X-men #29 - Alien Clusterfuck (of Awesome)

In a world where Lou Dobbs is still given credibility, stories involving alien agenda still sends shivers up our spines. That or some people just have a shitty coke dealer. There has always been a place for these stories in comics, especially in the X-books. They aren't always as well done as they are with the Avengers, but we can always count on an equal amount of human/alien sex (see Miss Marvel or Xavier shacking up with Lilandra). But not every alien story involves writers finding ways to have humans fuck exotic aliens sadly. Some involve deception, trechery, and teenage girls whose frontal lobes are clearly not fully wired yet. This is the story that Victor Gischler has decided to tell for his final arc in adjectiveless X-men. It doesn't involve any alien nookie, but I suppose we'll have to stick with late not softcore porn on Cinemax for our xenophillic fix.

A story involving aliens and teenage girls with poor judgment is a somewhat fitting way for such a run to end. Gischler began his adjectiveless series with a teenage girl turning into a vampire and proceeding fuck it up every step of the way. Now he's ending it with another teenage girl fucking up an alien plot involving the Skrulls to a level that involves both poor judgment and killer robots. You can't get more basic in an X-book without doing an entire arc on the merits of spandex uniforms. Now I know I've had mixed reviews of Gischler's work, sometimes depending on how much I've had to drink before reading it. It hasn't been as top notch or influential as the work done by Kieron Gillen or Jason Aaron, but it has established an important theme of this series. It ties the X-men to conflicts involving the rest of the Marvel universe without having to do a shitty crossover mini. It's both simple and pragmatic, not unlike Paris Hilton minus the lousy sex tape. If this is truly the end of Gischler's run, then I think we can say that he's ending it with some of his best material because X-men Regenesis has provided a massive enema of awesome to this series. Here's hoping that he doesn't pull a Brett Favre and start flip-flopping on his return.

X-men #27 put Pixie in the middle of a Skrull conspiracy to steal a piece of tech from the FF. At first it seemed as though they were thwarted, but in true Skrull fashion they pulled a fast one that kept Pixie in the middle of the conflict and put her in a position to fuck it up even more. There may be few constents in this universe, but like the law of conservation you can usually rely on the law of bone-headed teenagers. When she found out the Skrulls were AWOL soldiers from Secret Invasion, she showed a bit of sympathy and tried to help them. This only ended up leading to a killer alien robot being awakened. The sad part is that's not even the worst damage that a teenager with poor judgment can incur. In X-men #28, the Skrull that screwed over both Pixie and his Skrull fellow cowards, Nazum, isn't content with being a cosmic level douche-bag. He has to take it a step further by taking a little boy hostage while he sicks the risen alien killer robots on his fellow Skrull, boasting how he'll be hailed as a hero and given all the sweet Skrull pussy he could want for returning home after having killed deserters. Even if it is a dick move, it is a pretty slick plan.

Pixie, who to this point has done nothing more than a glorified enabler for the Skrulls, claims to have a plan and needs Spider-Man's help to do it. Because who better to help than a guy who solves big problems by making deals with the devil? She teleports herself and Spider-Man into the risen ship while the X-men and the FF are left to take on the killer robots rampaging through downtown New York. It may seem like a lopsided plan, but given how Pixie has screwed up at this point it's probably best that the killer robot part of the plan be handled by adults not prone to the poor wiring of a teenager's brain. The only victims here are the innocent motorists of New York City traffic. But given that New Yorkers should be used to this shit by now, they should probably just treat it as an impromtu parade.

Inside the ship, Pixie and the AWOL Skrulls attempt to regain control. At one point the ship is on a crash course with the Statue of Liberty, but narrowly misses it before Glenn Beck can die from uncontrolled sobbing. The Skrulls discover that the main controls of the ship are locked and being guided from another area of the ship. Care to guess which part? In comics, it's usually safe to assume it's the same part of the ship that controls all the gizmos that go boom.Again, Nazum shows that despite being a complete douche-bag, he does have a pretty slick plan. He hopes to use the remaining missiles of the ship to deliver a royal fuck you to the planet Earth before returning home. This way he can improve his status as a deserter and possibly earn a trip to whatever the Skrull equivalent of Hawaii may be.

Nazum is in many ways the perfect example of the kind of villains that Gischler has employed in this series. Rather than use more famous baddies like Apocalypse or Sinister, he favors the kind of villains that are not established and more pragmatic. Going back to the vampire arc, Xarus wasn't just trying to crush the X-men because he was bored on a Saturday night with no weed. He thought he could unite mutants and vampires in a powerful partnership. Nazum is similar in that he's not just trying to get home. He wants to get home with some street cred rather than being identified as the deserter he truly is. It's still a dick move, but it's an overly pragmatic dick move given how Secret Invasion panned out.

Nazum has plenty going for him as well. With an alien weapons system at his fingertips, he also makes sure that the X-men and FF stay occupied. He's smart enough to know that killer robots are just a synonym for scrap in the Marvel universe. So it's no surprise when they successfully take down said robots and do it without breaking too much sweat to stain their ridiculously tight-fitting uniforms. So to keep them occupied, Nazum has them release an army of robot ants to swarm both teams. They're not as flashy as giant robot humanoids, but for anyone who has ever been bitten by an army of fire ants that your drunken buddies poured on you when you were passed out it's has the potential to sting like a bitch.

However, Nazum did make a critical mistake in this carefully thought out dick move of his. Aside from forgetting that the girl he tricked could teleport, he also took a hostage in the form of a little boy who probably spends his time either playing Angry Birds on his iphone or corrupting his innocence with Call of Duty co-op missions. So when Spider-Man shows up to rough him up, the boy ends up getting a hold of the fancy gizmo that the Skrulls went to such lengths to steal in the previous issue. Like any boy that sees a fancy gizmo with lots of buttons, he starts pressing them. He could be setting the ship to self destruct or he could be flushing the toilets. The point is that kids can fuck up your plans and any woman who has experienced a broken condom knows this all too well.

Pixie, still in need of making up for her faux pas thus far, steps in and tears the gizmo from the kid like any teenage girl would tear her vibrator out of the hands of a kid that found it while rummaging through her purse. Once Spider-Man webs up Nazum, she teleports both him and the kid back to the bridge where she hands the gizmo over to the Skrulls who didn't plan this elaborate dick move. She tells them to guide the main ship to the river while using the escape pods to get home. Unlike Nazum, they're not assholes so they do as their told and crash the ship into the river. Let's face it, it's probably not the weirdest thing to be dumped into a New York City river. If anything, it'll help cover up the dead bodies, used condoms, and crack pipes that are probably floating around.

The Skrull deserters successfully leave with Nazum tied up and ready to be fed to the Skrull equivalent of Guantanamo Bay, minus the free health care. It leaves at least some hope for alien/human relations in that some aliens are not total douche-bags that will screw humanity over the first chance they get. More importantly, Pixie's attempt to help the Skrulls actually paid off. That's right, in the end her bone-headed teenage judgment served her well and she was able to mitigate a fucked up situation that she herself fucked. It could definitely have gone a lot smoother and it's incurred a healthy bit of damage that New York City taxpayers will have to handle, but fuck the taxpayers. She beat a Skrull! That's all Storm needs to offer her a job with the X-men's security team. Since Jubilee left to shack up with her vampire buddies, they need a new teenage member with poor judgment to lead the team into new adventures. Because when you don't have someone who will fuck up several times before they succeed, shit just gets too boring.

So we've reached the end of another era of X-men. It may not be the most flashy or the most historic, but Victor Gischler definitely accomplished some quality shit with this series. He helped establish an X-books that really made it feel like the X-men were a part of the larger Marvel universe. It wasn't always the most epic and it didn't always play out as well as it could have. In some ways this book is a victim of the overall growth of the X-books. As the quality has improved, the bar has been raised and while this series did reach it a few times it didn't do so on a consistent basis. This book just had too many mediocre moments early on, but Gischler definitely pulled things together towards the end and arcs like this show just how great this series can be.

What makes this issue and this arc good is they Gischler keeps the story focused. It doesn't try to juggle too many different plot threads. This is a story about Pixie getting caught up in a Skrull affair and trying to right some of the bone-headed mistakes she made. For the most part she succeeded, more than any other teenager that I've seen in real life. Moreover, she does it while the X-men, Spider-Man, and the Fantastic Four all play a part as well. Granted, that part is not extremely deep. They're largely extras in this struggle, but given the nature of this book it works out nicely. Gischler's dialog is very easy to follow and the resolution feels satisfying. What it lacked was the major twist that the previous issue had, which I guess is hard to match in an issue dominated by killer robots and hostage situations. But in the end there is still a sense of progression. Now that Jubilee has left and Generation Hope has been canned, Pixie is in need of a new gig and why not the X-men's security team? She proved herself here and she deserves it. And unlike other cute teenage girls, she didn't have to suck any dicks to get it.

The end of this arc and the end of Gischler's run keeps me optimistic about the future of this series. That or maybe I had a few extra shots of tequila, but the logic is still valid. The adjectiveless X-men may not be the most hyped X-book, but it offers something unique and this issue as well as this arc epitomize what it can do. It wasn't the best arc Gischler's done, but it's definitely up to the standards that he managed to rise during the latter part of his run. For his last issue, I give X-men #29 a 4 out of 5. Thank you, Mr. Gischler! You gave us vampires, mutants, aliens, and killer robots. I think that counts as a success for any comic writer. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-Force #16 - A Saga of Awesome

I know I've made an ass of myself on a routine basis on this blog. Sometimes I write shit when I'm drunk that wouldn't make sense to a nuclear physicist on LSD, let alone comic fans. But that's not nearly as egregious as having to put off something that I've usually been so good about. When a comic series comes along that sets new standards in awesome, I'll forgo food, sleep, and sex (not beer, never beer) to praise it. Uncanny X-Force has been one of those books that just gut checks you with consistent awesome so much that by the time the Dark Angel Saga began your stomach was already behind your spine. Then when the Dark Angel Saga actually began, your spine was more mangled than the Elephant Man's dick. It's been by far the best story to come out of Uncanny X-Force to date and given all the high marks I've dished out with this series, that's saying a lot. Under normal circumstances, Uncanny X-Force #16 would have been at the top of my review list. However, the circumstances last week weren't normal. We had shit like Regenesis and Schism to deal with. That and I had to squeeze X-23 into the mix. Now since God was too cheap to make the weeks a day longer, I had to put the Uncanny X-Force #16 on hold. I know it's an affront to the comic gods, but I've already sacrificed three goats and six chickens so I assume they're pleased for the moment. Now I'm ready to give my review and hopefully I'm not too hung over from Regenesis (figuratively speaking).

In the midst of vengeful gods dishing out holy hammers and the X-men going through a Van Halen style split, it's not completely outrageous that a story like the Dark Angel Saga would slip under the radar. Hell, this thing started before either of those excessivly hyped events began and this one didn't need to buy commercial time during late-night reruns of South Park on Comedy Central to generate buzz. The story has been so awesome that it hasn't needed that shit. Rick Remender has spent the last few issues taking this story from just another arc in an already awesome series into a full fledged saga. I'm guessing that's partly because Dark Angel Arc just sounded stupid.

Dark Angel definitely made his presence known in the last issue. He not only confronted X-Force after they returned from their little romp in the Age of Apocalypse. He took the very reason why they went there in the first place (well, aside from giving Wolverine a chance to bone an alternate version of Jean Grey). He stole the Celestial life seed, burned half of Wolverine's body off, and abducted Psylocke while the rest of the team got away. Overall, I would call that a pretty nice haul. A piece of Celestial technology and a hot Asian chick that likes purple thongs? Hell, that's like coming back from Las Vegas with a million bucks, a private jet, and a porn star without herpes!

Uncanny X-Force #16 picks up with X-Force trying to play the role of herpes for the new Apocalypse. Arcangel is large and in charge with Clan Akkaba. They have the World in their possession along with Psylocke. So it really isn't all that surprising when X-Force shows up to confront them. They escaped in the last issue. They didn't stay away for long with this issue. The World is kind of Fantomex's home and the way Arcangel is using it is sort of akin to breaking into someone's house, burning all the furniture, piling up the ashes, and then taking a bit shit on them. So yeah, he's going to fight for it.

While the bullets start flying, Arcangel confronts his prisoner/girlfriend. He's almost like Rick James minus the burns from crack pipes. Unlike Rick James, Arcangel doesn't just use her imprisonment to boast about how awesome he is. In fact, Arcangel really doen't sound much like Apocalypse. He looks like him and is basically taking over for him, but he's not a carbon copy and that's refreshing because Rick Remender could have easily just made him Apocalypse and it would have worked. This works too, it's just more awesome. Arcangel talks to Psylocke about how he's become something greater, not unlike Wolverine did in Age of Apocalypse. Psylocke, like AOA Jean Grey, refuses to believe that the man she loves is gone. It makes for a powerful moment.

At the same time, X-Force is preparing their assault. They have both the World and Arcangel's palace to deal with. That's like the 405 at rush hour before standing in line at the DMV. They are insurmountable obstacles, but that's what X-Force does best! Well that and shoot creepy Apocalypse-looking kids in the head, but that's besides the point.

Deadpool and Fantomex lead the charge, but they quickly wish they hadn't. As they're clawing their way towards Arcangel's love nest, Age of Apocalypse Blob shows up. It's not as random as it sounds. He showed up in the last issue to indicate that he followed Dark Beast back because apparently the food just sucks that much in a world ruled by Apocalypse. He looks like he has genital warts all over his body, but he quickly shows that he's pretty badass when he does jumps and lands on Fantomex. I'll repeat that just so the readers know what this implies. Blob sat his fat ass down on Fantomex, leaving Deadpool to crack all sorts of wonderful butt and poop jokes that I think Uncanny X-Force has sorely been lacking. Blob, being big as a house and just as slow, is just the butt of Deadpool's joke (not mean to be a pun, but oh well). He's eventually shut up when Deadpool drive a sword into his mouth. It shuts him up, but it doesn't remove Fantomex from his ass. It's not nearly as gay as it sounds.

While Fantomex is giving Blob a prostate exam, Wolverine wakes up back in the ship. Keep in mind he had half his fucking body burned off a few issues ago. They also have Famine (the creepy Civil War boy that half of all Country music is based off) as a prisoner, who manages to break free from captivity. He leaves Wolverine to rot while he joins the battle. As a result, he pulls a Stephen King's "Thinner" on Age of Apocalypse Blob. As a result he withers into the worst case of man boobs ever. Again, Deadpool can't resist making a joke of this. But as for Famine, he doesn't turn Blob into one of the Olson twins. Wolverine apparently wasn't wounded enough after having half his body blown off. He returns to Famine and while he couldn't be blamed for killing him, he did make Blob thin again so for that he only gets his arms chopped off. By Wolverine's standards, that's akin to a slap on the wrist.

So X-Force is advancing and lopping off limbs along the way. They're insatiable desire to cock-block Arcangel hasn't been thwarted just yet. He still has Psylocke by his side. He shows somewhat more hospitality than Rick James by letting her out and leading her to the heart of his palace where he's keeping the life seed. Along the way, they share a moment of sorts. Arcangel is still clearly influenced by Apocalype's douche-bag mindset. He believes evolution will make everybody's dick that much bigger and he's the badly advertised penis pills that will make it happen. Psylocke is still intent on saving the man she loves and the odd thing is that Arcangel doesn't deny that the love is still there. He's just beyond it and not in the way Charlie Sheen claims during his last divorce.

Yet as powerful as this moment is, Arcangel is still a tyranical bastard. When Genocide's mother comes screaming at him for turning her son into a monster, he doesn't hesitate to slide her in half. He does it with the same casualness as most people have when they order a pizza. It's bloody as hell, but it sends a powerful message. Arcangel is still a powerful, sadistic son-of-a-bitch and like Ron Jeremy in a locker room he's not afraid to flaunt it.

Back with X-Force, they end up dealing with another Age of Apocalypse escapee who apparently didn't think living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland was as awesome as it sounded. AOA Iceman, who rarely gets a chance to act badass in 616, shows off how much more endowed he is by growing into a fucking titan. This comes after Fantomex escapes from AOA Blob's bowels and dives for the nearest water source. I'm pretty sure he still considers facing a giant Iceman an upgrade. Deadpool once again ends up having to fight him, cracking more jokes along the way. In fact, this issue has more Deadpool jokes than any previous Uncanny X-Force issue before it. It's hard to believe that Rick Remender would wait this long to exploit them, but the timing is perfect! Deadpool just shut up Blob while throwing some butt jokes into the mix. Why not do the same with Iceman?

All these over-the-top battles laced with ass and poop jokes continue to unfold while the World continues to play the part of Arcangel's personal greenhouse. Dark Beast and Genocide are still inside, watching and trying hard not to masturbate at the sight of millions of years of evolution going by before their eyes. In addition, there's another shot of a very particular lab area that was revealed in a previous arc. Remember that kid Apocalypse that Fantomex shot in the head? Well, apparently he felt like such an asshole about it that he strated making another Apocalypse clone in the World. This clone is being guarded by Weapon Ultimate, which Dark Beast and Genocide don't seem to notice. Nothing happens with it just yet, but it serves as a nice reminder that the whole Apocalypse legacy shit may be more fucked up than it already is.

At the same time, just showing it and not doing anything with it is kind of annoying. That seems to be the theme of this book. In between the awesome action sequences, there are hints of moments but they're just preludes. I'm sorry, but that's like watching the trailer of a movie and claiming you've seen it. I love trailers too, but a sneak peak is better! Please, Mr. Remender? Waiting month to month for this series is painful enough!

While we don't get any progress on that conflict, the battles against Iceman and Arcangel are getting progressively worse. In the battle against AOA Iceman, Deadpool continues to make wisecracks that piss off Iceman. As a result, Iceman does what no one in Marvel has done before. He shuts him up. That's right, someone actually shut Deadpool up. Sure, he had to freeze him and break him into countless pieces, but that's besides the point. Fantomex thinks he's dead, but come on. It's Deadpool. He's harder to kill than Wolverine and there's no way Marvel would off their comic relief! It's just bad business tactics. Plus, he's on the cover of future issues so that kind of spoils it.

As for Psylocke, after she sees Arcangel dice Genocide's mother to pieces she finally stops nagging and starts fighting. Usually, this is the point where a man's scrotum starts collapsing, but Arcangel has the power of Apocalypse on his side. That means for once, hardcore woman is just not enough. He knocks her out in a way that date rapists can only dream of and takes him to the heart of his temple. I can just see all the adult fanfiction writers having fun with this!

With Psylocke out for the count, pretty much everyone starts to fall apart. After seeing Deadpool shattered, Fantomex does something that I could make so many awesome French jokes from. He runs away. That's right, he fucking runs! Meanwhile, Deathlok (the unofficial member of the team) tried to infiltrate the World and take on Genocide. That was more lopsided than the last Manny Paccio fight. Deathlok gets a hard lesson in why it sucks to be part machine. Like every iphone, his hardware is basically jail-broken and he's back to being a killer cyborg again. There's a Terminator joke somewhere in here, but I'll hold off out of respect for the passing of Steve Jobs.

So X-Force is failing. Fantomex has turned into a big pussy and done a diservice to pussy Frenchmen everywhere. All the while Deadpool is in pieces physically for a change and not just mentally. Wolverine is still clawing his way up, but it's not in time to stop Arcangel from making his mark on the unconscious Psylocke. And no, that's not another date rape reference. Using the same life seed he showed her earlier, he starts giving her an Apocalypse style make over. And it isn't just because he wants Psylocke to see how awesome it is to have Apocalypse style power. He wants to make her his bride. That's right. This whole stunt with Arcangel taking Psylocke was an elaborate wedding proposal. It's romantic in an insanely creepy way. Not creepy in the Stephanie Meyer tradition. More like just creepy in tattooing your girlfriend's head on the tip of your dick. Not sure if that's the best analogy, but I hope it gets my point across.

I've never been one for weddings, but this is one that might be worth staying sober for! It's one of the many ways this is more saga than arc. It's not enough to just pit X-Force against Arcangel after Apocalypse has made him his bitch. Rick Remender has to add more dramatic elements to the mix. The Psylocke/Angel relationship was basically ignored until Uncanny X-Force began. Now it's taking on the kind of epic struggle that gives Twilight fans pussy boners. Arcangel doesn't just want his girlfriend to understand how awesome he is as the new Apocalypse. He wants her to join him as his bride. The sad part is it still isn't the most outrageous marriage proposal ever done. I'm pretty sure Larry King has pulled far more elaborate stunts. Even so, making Psylocke a part of this ego trip for Arcangel adds that special emotional element that further entrenches this saga as one of the best to come along that doesn't involve a fiery cosmic parrot.

It's still incredible that a story this awesome can thrive in the midst of big events like Schism, Fear Itself, and DC's new 52. I admit these overly hyped stories did somewhat drown the Dark Angel Saga because hype or no hype, they were all awesome in their own right. It's one thing to be a diamond amidst a pile of shit. It's quite another to be the same diamond on a necklace worn by your typical rap star. It's much harder to stand out and I guess the biggest criticism you can levy against Uncanny X-Force #16 is that it really didn't stand out. This saga is at it's mid point and it definitely shows. None of the battles shown are a full blowns showdown at the OK Corral. They're awesome, but they come off as preludes. In addition the transition from this issue and the previous issue was a little shaky. It didn't feel as smooth as the previous issues, but it still moved the story forward with the same nut-busting impact that has made this saga so incredible. For that, Rick Remender deserves both credit and a free line of blow.

Uncanny X-Force #16 maintains the same quality as the previous issues, but it doesn't exceed it. Sure, the extra dose of Deadpool helps and the butt jokes definitely add to it. However, it doesn't raise the bar because so much of it is built towards the next issue. Everything from Fantomex retreating like a pussy to Psylocke getting stabbed by the life seed was just preparation. I'm all for it and I'll be waiting outside a comic shop for the next issue like a groupie at Kid Rock's house. I just think a little more meat on the bone would have helped. In the end I give this issue a 4.5 out of 5. It's still the same caliber of awesome you would expect from this saga and this series. It just doesn't move forward all that much, but at least you get to see Blob sit on Fantomex. That's worth the $3.99 price right there! Nuff said!

X-men #15.1 - A Fraction of Awesome

I must have taken a bad hit of acid because for some reason, there are still some .1 issues coming out from Marvel. Seriously, I thought Marvel was done with this shit. I took the time to review Uncanny X-men #534.1 and it was a solid piece of work, if for no other reason because Namor likened his bedroom skills with women to earthquakes (so does Charlie Sheen, but nobody takes him seriously). But aside from that issue, the .1 issues have been a real snoozer. They've been nothing more than one-shot issues that don't really catch readers up on what's going on in the books or set the stage for any larger events. They're basically just a reminder that some of us suck at math and have to rely on blackmailing calculus teachers to get a passing grade.

So when I found out that adjectiveless X-men was releasing a .1 issue, I was left scratching my head. I'm fresh off a runners high with X-men after Chris Yost's X-men First To Last story. That was a story that was awesome in two different time periods without the use of a flux capacitor. Take that Doc Brown! The idea that a .1 issue could follow up a story like that is on par with Michele Bachmann winning the Iowa caucus. Okay, bad example, but you get what I mean. That's not to say I go in expecting it to be awful, but Chris Yost raised the bar into the fucking exosphere. It's really not reasonable to expect a .1 issue to get within pissing distance of that level, but I still gave it a shot. I mean why the fuck not? It's X-men. Short of dipping it in moose piss, I'll give it a look.

This .1 issue starts off as many of the .1 issues do. It pulls a random moment out of the massive ass of the Marvel continuity, offering no hints as to when it takes place in relation to other events, and tells a story. In a ways that's a good thing because it means you don't need to earn a PHD just to catch up with what's been going on. You just need to know who Cyclops, Wolverine, and the X-men are. Well even with this issue, that may not help because the main focus is Danielle Moonstar. New Mutant fans should know who she is. She's been part of that book since the Reagan years, but she gets as much visibility as any Native American in the United States (translation, between some and precisely dick). So for once, Marvel is shining the spotlight on an underused character. For that, they deserve a pat on the back and a few ticks on their state sanctioned diversity card.

The setting is as morbid as you would expect for a Native American. There's an old Native American woman named Awanata that seemed to take one too many hits of peyote and was showing the kind of signs that you won't see outside the Exorcist. Now it's not entirely clear what's going on, but it is clear that she's become such a danger that Dani says they have to encase the woman in a brick tomb. The sad part is that it's still a nicer burial than most Native Americans get these days.

Dani isn't alone in this grim endeavor that may require a fresh prescription of Prozac. Cyclops, Storm, Gambit, and Pixie are with her. They're assisting Dani in dealing with this touchy issue of burying an old woman alive. She's about as thrilled about it as you would expect, but not nearly as thrilled as the woman's husband, who looks like one of those old spokesman for cigarette billboards. Now I'm not going to go on some tirade about how husbands burying their wives alive says a lot about how fucked up gender relations are. That would be too easy and I know the feminazis of the world would say I don't go far enough. So I'll just skip it and point out that the old man isn't a complete dick. He does this with a heavy heart and the woman requested that she be buried alive like this so no, it's not that excuse you hear drunken rednecks who like to beat their wives use. The guy has a way to justify it.

The story is pretty standard. Way back before Native American's got fucked out of what was left of their land, a hoard of demons attacked their down. Now they don't explain where the fuck the demons came from. For all we know they were the disembodied souls that would later inhabit Oakland Raiders fans and like teenagers armed with baseball bats and firecrackers, they decided to be assholes. Since nobody was powerful enough to stop them, the woman did the most logical thing this side of Deadpool's left hemisphere. She used a spell to swallow the demons and contain them inside her. If nothing else, she made a case for being the future star of the movie Deep Throat.

Now the old woman is about to get gang banged by Father Time, thus releasing all those angry demons. Now this is not the X-men's expertise even though Dani has a history with this shit, they've got nothing but a spell-book and Pixie's less than refined familiarity with the mystic arts. In other words, they need help. That help arrives on a bitching motorcycle with a flaming skull and a leather jacket that cool enough to freeze the universe and heat up the world's panty supplies. What I mean to say is Ghost Rider shows up. It's X-men. They do crossover shit with these books so it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise, but fuck me in the neck if it isn't badass.

For those of you who don't know, Marvel just released a new Ghost Rider #1 so there's no need to catch up on his insanely complicated history. He's a flaming skull, motorcycle riding, supernatural demon hunter who likes to cleanse sin in a way that the Westboro Baptist Church would blow up and orphanage for. Hence, he's perfect for the task at hand. And wouldn't you know it? As soon as he arrives, everything goes to shit. That hastily constructed tomb? Well, it didn't hold. Apparently, bricks just don't cut it against demons. So that poor old woman couldn't handle it and she makes the kind light show that's only somewhat less spectacular than a Lady Gaga concert (but not by much).

I get that X-men is all about crossovers and using other Marvel characters and I won't say that this is random, but it's a bit too convenient. It's not like Curse of the Mutants or even that shitty Spider-Man arc where the X-men had a reason to crossover with these characters. In this they just happen to be in the right place at the right time with Ghost Rider. Not that coincidences are egregious, but in this story it has just the slight stench of bullshit. It doesn't completely disrupt the flow of the story. Any time an old lady goes nuclear, it's a sight to behold. However, the setup just feels too shallow.

Now the demons are released and like your typical Rob Zombie music video, carnage ensues. They call themselves the Atahsaia, which sounds like a sushi bar in Pittsburgh. They want vengeance. Fuck the explanation. They just turn from your typical Clint Eastwood knockoffs to a bunch of extras from an Ozzy Osbrone concert and start attacking. The X-men and Ghost Rider don't take time to make friends. They just start fighting back, blasting the shit out of their demonic colons. It's a nicely done spectacle, one that isn't overblown or underscored. If you like flashy shit or you're just high, you'll enjoy staring blandly at these pages for the next three hours or so.

Since these are demons, it's not as simple as just blowing their heads off and scrubbing the blood stains off with bleach. If demons were that easy to kill, the Vatican would be out of a job and Apple would have an app for it. So Pixie is still clinging to that spell book the old man gave her earlier. And Ghost Rider, not content with just looking badass, rides up to Dani and tells her to get on. Now I know Ghost Rider is familiar with demons and has experience stopping them, but by and large when a guy in a leather jacket on a motorcycle asks you to get on a bike you either make sure your ass is nice and loose or you run away screaming at the top of your lungs. But this is X-men so Dani gets on. Way to send a good message to kids, Marvel!

Ignoring the horrible message about trusting strangers on motorcycles, Dani follows Ghost Rider as he uses those demon-killing rider skills of his to open a pit to Hell. And by Hell I don't mean the 405 Freeway at rush hour or Tijuana prison. I mean the actual Hell. Marvel is pandering to the evangelical crowd now and hopefully in a way that Glenn Beck won't bitch about. Now it's not clear why the hell Dani needed to go with him. Did he just want to have a pretty teenage girl with him while he made a pit stop in Hell? Is that the demon equivalent of being a douche? Even if it is, it takes good old Sesame Street style teamwork to corral the demons in the hell pit. Ghost Rider does the rest, leading them in while Dani just looks pretty and probably gives them the finger while she's at it. It's a simple yet reasonable way to fight off a demon infestation.

Once they're in the pit, Pixie puts that spell book to good use and seals up the hell hole. Once again, the visuals here are great. It's not underdone or overwhelming. But at the same time you don't hear the demons whining or moaning like most evil spirits tend to do. They also don't vow revenge or reveal why the fuck they were so intent on attacking the town in the first place. That seems like a big ass plot hole, but it doesn't matter a great deal because they just get defeated in the end. Still, it would be nice to know why they deserved to go back to hell. Them just being demons works for Pat Robertson, but not your typical comic book reader.

Furthermore, there's still no fucking clue as to why Dani had to tag along with Ghost Rider. What was he role in this aside from just dragging the X-men out into the middle of bumfuck nowhere to fight demons? This is billed as her story and she really doesn't do dick in it. A few extra details would be nice even though it plays out fairly smoothly, if not too smoothly.

At this point I'm ready to dock major points from the book for being so damn incomplete. Seriously, why did the demons attack? What the hell was their motivation? Is Marvel just going to leave that plot hanging? I wouldn't put it past them if they did, but wax my chest and call me Jim Morrison they did offer an explanation. Remember that sweet old guy who was so sympathetic? Well it turns out he was the one that summoned those demons. He did it for a dick reason as well. He wanted to send those to another tribe, but they just said 'fuck it' and attacked his. So in the end it was just some schmuck's competence. Fair enough, but then Ghost Rider says his punishment is to rebuild his town. Okay...that's about as badass as betting on the dealer in a game of black jack. It leaves Dani visibly upset and somewhat betrayed, but there's really not much they can do about it. The comic ends with the old man looking like an asshole and the X-men leaving behind a decimated town. Believe it or not, it's less shitty than it sounds.

I wanted to like this comic. I really did. It wasn't bad. It wasn't even mediocre. It's a decent X-men comic all around that does a good job of crossing over with Ghost Rider. It's entertaining and even heartfelt at times. I'm even glad that a character like Danielle Moonstar got a chance to strut her stuff. She didn't even have to sleep with Cyclops or get a boob job like Emma Frost to do so. But the story just wasn't that deep and there wasn't a whole lot of heart. The writing and the plot came off as bland, offering no ties to other ongoing X-men stories and offering little development for any of the characters. Danielle isn't that different even though she's the star. You would never know this shit happened to her if you picked up an issue of New Mutants. It's just a self-contained story that really doesn't give readers too many reasons to keep reading.

After X-men First to Last, it's a hell of a downgrade but that was to be expected. This issue does succeed in some areas. It follows the formula of this new adjectiveless X-men series, which is to tell stories that have the X-men interacting with the greater Marvel universe. In this case, it was Ghost Rider and for the most part it worked. This was the kind of plot where Ghost Rider definitely added to the story. He just didn't add enough to make it genuinely awesome. There was no lasting impact by the end. There wasn't much background given for Ghost Rider so you have no idea where the hell he's coming from. At least with Blade and Spider-Man, they had a reason to cross paths with the X-men. This story just made it seem too coincidental. The action was still solid and the dialog and characterization was spot on, but it wasn't done to the point where you're wiping the drool off the side of your face while trying to put your eyes back in your head.

X-men #15.1 isn't the worst .1 issue that Marvel has come out with. It's not the best either, but it's definitely above average. It could have been a lot worse. It could have been more boring and unnecessary that it ended up being. It may just be the lingering awesome left from First to Last, but X-men #15.1 deserves a decent mention in the annuls of X-men. It's a story that's easy to forget, but it's still entertaining to read. I give this issue a 3 out of 5. I'm still not completely jaded on the adjectiveless X-men series. I know I've given some pretty fucked up reviews for some of the issues, but I'm ready and waiting for the series to unfuck itself. Nuff said!

Punisher MAX #8 - Grusome Awesome

Before I type another sentence, allow me to post a fair warning in case anyone from the Religious Right or some other morality toting pussy gets some broken glass in their vagina. Punisher MAX is a mature and graphic comic. It in no way is meant for kids. In this book they do not censor swear words. When people say fuck they don't bleep it out with this f$%# shit. What they say is pure an unabated. In addition, it isn't tactful about hiding nudity. If there is a shot of tits in the panel, they show actual tits. There's none of that conveniently placed steam or random covering bullshit. It's all there for the eyes to see. If someone can't handle that, then they shouldn't read this comic and should find seek counseling to help them become less of a pussy.

If you can get around the graphic details, Punisher MAX is an awesome comic. For years Garth Ennis wrote the grimmer grittier version of the Punisher that in no way was connected to the 616 universe. It made for some of the best Punisher stories of the past decade. Then Jason Aaron took over and he took what Ennis did a step further. He didn't just restrict the MAX universe to the Punisher. He brought in other characters like the Kingpin and Bullseye. The last arc showed Wilson Fisk brutalizing his way towards becoming the crime lord he's so well known for being in the 616 universe. Needless to say, it wasn't pretty. The man actually let his own son get his throat slit and he didn't shed a tear doing it. That should offer a clue as to just how brutal this title is. But if what Fisk did was considered brutal, Aaron's portrayal of Bullseye one-ups him at least 1000 times over and throws in some deranged psychosis for good measure.


Most people know Bullseye from the 616 universe as a cocky, arrogant, highly skilled assassin. Well most of that still applies here. In the previous issue he took out a whole room of people with nothing but a small gun he had concealed in his ass. No, that's not a dirty joke. The man literally kept a gun in his ass and shit it out when he needed to do the job. If you're not too grossed out by that, you'll have a small understanding of just how deranged this guy is and it doesn't stop there.

Now Bullseye is on assignment from the Kingpin, who is still reeling from his first encounter with the Punisher. In order to do this assignment, Bullseye doesn't just want to find him and kill him. He wants to get into Frank Castle's head. It makes sense on the surface, but the way he carries it out is fucked up on at least a million different levels. It really doesn't make him like his 616 counterpart and that's both a good and bad thing. What he does here is he's trying to get into Castle's mind by re-enacting the way in which Castle lost his family. To do that he basically took a family hostage, killed the father, and started playing house in his own made-up world. It's pretty crazy and a bit on the corny side. But it makes for some entertaining moments. It helps lighten the mood on some of the other darker elements going on with Kingpin and the Punisher.


As stated earlier Fisk is still reeling from the last attack that left his son dead. While he seems to brush it off as simply as a man brushes off the death of a goldfish, the same cannot be said for his wife, Vanessa. In the Kingpin arc she was portrayed in a somewhat different manner. She seemed to love Fisk, but she was also under no illusion. She knew what Fisk was doing and she didn't care. She even encouraged him at times, asking that he kill those she was suspicious of. She's made a radical turn since the death of her son, which is also kind of strange because Fisk mentioned she didn't even want kids to begin with. Now she's a fucked up drunk who is pissed at everyone and everything for the loss of her son. Furthermore, Fisk doesn't seem to care. That's to be expected, but Vanessa's character had a lot of potential back in the first arc and it seems to be wasted somewhere here. Now she's already walking the same path her 616 version did, becoming disillusioned by what Fisk is doing. It's understandable, but if the point was to give these characters a MAX-like twist Aaron failed to do so here with Vanessa. However, he more than makes up for it in how he handles Frank Castle.


There's no inconsistency between Ennis and Aaron. Frank Castle is still a sadistic badass who will torture, maim, and disembowel anybody who gets in his way. Usually, he goes out of his way to avoid hurting cops or authority figures. Not so this time. He has with him a dirty cop who has information on getting to Fisk and to make him talk, Castle begins cutting off body parts and stapling them to the wall. It's the kind of torture that Jack Baur would smile at. You would think even a dirty cop wouldn't be stupid enough to taunt Castle, but this guy has the kind of weapons grade stupidity that North Korea would kill for. He doesn't say anything and Castle just keeps hacking away. It's the brutality anyone should expect of the Punisher.

But in a ways his actions take a backseat to what's going on with the Kingpin. He's being warned left and right about hiring Bullseye and he's not listening. Add to that, Vanessa Fisk is being an irrational bitch. Even a guy as powerful as a crime lord cannot take everything going at him at once.


Now this is where the issue takes yet another turn for the bizarre. The plot with Bullseye is already fucked up enough. The man is clearly two globs of shit short of a cow pie, but Vanessa Fisk is ready to give him a run for his money. She comes out screaming at Wilson, crying at how he's the one that killed their son. That's a little unfair (as if anything can be fair from a guy as cruel as Fisk) because Fisk didn't technically execute their son. It was a rival crime lord who basically held a knife to his throat and cut it. Yet for some reason Vanessa says he's the one that killed him? At this point the reader may wonder if they've taken a hit of LSD because it doesn't stop there. Vanessa's yelling eventually subsides and out of nowhere, she asks Fisk to fuck her. And yes, those are her exact words. It's a MAX comic, remember? They don't use pussy ass euphemisms when it comes to bumping uglies.


From here, the LSD trip wears off and things get back to normal. And by normal I mean Frank Castle has since cut off two more fingers and an ear from the dirty cop he's interrogating. It's a pretty bloody scene and Castle isn't batting an eye. In this sense he and Fisk are kind of similar. They have no problem exacting unspeakable cruelty on people. Their expressions remain eerily similar every step of the way. I'm not sure if this is just the artist being lazy or if it's meant to be an over-arching theme in the book. Whatever the case, it's pretty damn gruesome.


What's even more outrageous is the man still hasn't talked yet. He isn't telling Castle how to get to the Kingpin. At some point he knows he's going to run out of digits and he's just making it harder on himself. In a ways it feels like Aaron is just trying to stretch this scene out, but the brutality only escalates. Since losing fingers and an ear isn't enough for this guy, he goes for the home run. He goes to a digit no man can stand losing and even the ballsiest of henchmen crack under the strain. Anyone who has ever seen torture on shows like 24 might often thing "If they want to really torture the guy, why not just go for his dick or balls or something? Wouldn't that work better?" Well in Punisher MAX, look no further. That's exactly what Castle does and squeamish men will feel an unpleasant clench at the mere sight of it.


The man finally does talk. He reveals that Fisk has become really paranoid since their last encounter is and keeping his movements secret so as to avoid detection. It also explains why he's willing to hire someone as crazy as Bullseye to take care of him. To Frank Castle, that means he's applying the right kind of pressure and that's going to work to his advantage. Since Fisk seems to be getting so powerful, it's nice to see a little crack in his armor. That was one of the shortcomings of the previous arc and it seems to be shifting gears here.

This plot with Castle as well as the plots with Fisk and Bullseye all coincide near the end in a beautiful coming together of bloody and brutal awesome. Bullseye finishes his reenactment of Castle's family and Vanessa Fisk makes her move while she's fucking Wilson. In one page, the hostage family is executed, Vanessa tries to shoot Wilson, and Castle kills the dirty cop with a bullet to the head. It's by far the strongest part of the issue. There's no loose ends or beating around the bush. There's just pure, brutal Punisher MAX style awesome.

The end result, however, is somewhat ironic. Bullseye is strangely unsatisfied by having an innocent family murdered in front of him. He says he feels nothing. Either he's a lousy actor or he's more fucked up than than previously hinted at because he tells the Kingpin's henchmen they have to do it again. As if that wasn't screwed up beyond all recognition, Vanessa's attempt to kill Wilson fails and in spectacularly lame fashion. She just shoots him in the shoulder and he doesn't seem to wince. I know it's a comic book and all and Fisk is a tough guy, but this is seriously pushing it. There are major veins in the arm and even a tough guy should at least flinch a little. But for Fisk it's like being bitten by a mosquito. There's nothing else to it and he doesn't even react that violently with Vanessa. It just seems like a real whimper when there should have been a bang. But there is an underlying message to it all. Vanessa makes the point that even for everything Fisk has gained, his paranoia and brutality will ultimately leave him with nothing. It's a powerful message that doesn't seem to phase him, but does set the tone for just how messed up his world is becoming as the Kingpin of crime.


There's a lot to love about this comic. There's a lot to love about any comic that thumbs it's nose at the censors and lets all the blood, guts, and tits hang free for everyone to see. But it isn't just gratuitous for the sake of being gratuitous. There's a real story here, one that doesn't just follow Frank Castle. It's an eerie insight into the fucked up minds of a ruthless crime lord and a bat-shit insane assassin. Their plots along with Castle's make for a very compelling story and all the blood and brutality just adds to the overall awesome.

Yet there's still some room for improvement. The characterization of Vanessa Fisk has been wildly inconsistent from the previous arc to this arc without much substance in between and Bullseye's insanity is being a bit overplayed. But it's not so detrimental that it brings down the whole series. There's enough awesome to compensate and taken all together, Punisher MAX #8 gets a 4 out of 5. It's the only comic where readers can get a raw, uncensored view of the awesome that is the Marvel universe. If only they would adopt this style to others. Punisher MAX is it's own special world and it should stay that way, hopefully bringing in as many other Marvel heavyweights to share in the awesome along the way.