Wars of Hearts, Minds, and Psychics: Jean Grey #8

The following is my review of Jean Grey #8, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In a perfect world, a friendly rivalry brings out the best and worst of two characters. Since no world is perfect, especially one that has Loki and shape-shifting aliens in it, that kind of friendliness is next to impossible. In the Marvel universe, rivalries between heroes and villains are widespread, common, and a vital part of its mythos. There isn't too much complexity in the sense that the dynamics are fairly clear-cut. The two characters are on opposing sides. They hate each other and want their side to triumph. Anyone who watches professional wrestling can understand that.

It's only when two heroes develop a rivalry that the narrative gains a layer of dynamics that can't be fleshed out by seeing Captain America fight the Red Skull for the billionth time. These rivalries often pit two characters who are on the same side against each other, sometime to the point where they undermine their own heroic efforts. For Jean Grey and Emma Frost, that point is far behind them and they've long since entered uncharted territory of bitterness.

These aren't just two characters who occasionally disagree with how to conduct themselves as superheroes. These are two characters who have actually hurt each other, physically and emotionally, on multiple levels. Going back to the early days of the Phoenix Saga during Chris Claremont's run on Uncanny X-men to Grant Morrison's run on New X-men, these two have a long and varied list of reasons to hate each other.

Even though Jean Grey ends up dead, there's a sense that these two are destined to clash again. With Jean Grey #8, the beginning of the Psych War arc, the wait is finally over. Dennis Hopeless pits a teenage, time-displaced Jean Grey against Emma Frost at a time when she shows little hesitation in sparking wars between the X-men and Inhumans. It may not involve the same dramatic elements that Morrison or Claremont utilized, but the stakes feel every bit as high.

From the beginning, Jean Grey #8 follows similar themes that Hopeless has established in previous issues. The time-displaced Jean Grey, in her effort to prepare for the Phoenix Force, finds herself in a situation she's completely unprepared to handle. Her being a teenager gives her a pass to some extent, but that only goes so far when the stakes are cosmic and the egos involved include Emma Frost. There's really no amount of preparation that can prepare anyone for that kind of struggle, regardless of how much time travel is involved.

In a sense, Jean is in a unique position to offer commentary on the events that led to her most recent death. Her venture into the mind of Emma Frost, her future rival, sends her on an abridged journey through those moments, eventually culminating in a direct encounter with the former White Queen during a lurid, yet familiar situation. It's the context of that encounter, though, that establishes the stakes and the drama for the Psyche War arc.

It's a rare, but increasingly common theme throughout her solo series. The time-displaced Jean ventures into a world that's destined to kill her, but with a different set of perceptions, compared to her older self. While being an immature teenager does plenty to skew anyone's perceptions, it still has the advantage of lacking the baggage of the older Jean Grey that perished. That's an important factor for the Morrison-era X-men because that same baggage played a significant role in causing her death.

Hopeless doesn't ignore those factors as the time-displaced Jean traverses Emma's mind and the memorable moments from the world of New X-men. In a sense, that baggage takes form and substance with the ghost of the older Jean Grey. The previous issue establishes her presence with the teenage Jean and not in a very friendly way either. The two Jean Greys from two different eras are constantly at odds, arguing and yelling at one another in various moments that would strain anyone's mental health.

That constant clash, which becomes a lot more heated as they fight through Emma Frost's mind, establishes an important distinction for Psyche War and for Jean Grey's ongoing story, as a whole. The Jean Grey of the past is still very much at odds with the Jean Grey of the future and not just because she ends up dead. Even though both Jean Greys share the same goal in avoiding the fate of the Phoenix Force, they're not on the same page in terms of methods. If anything, they trip over one another in their conflicting efforts.

It raises the stakes in the ongoing struggle while also revealing how ill-prepared Jean Grey is for the challenge before her. It gives the impression that she has never had a true grasp of the Phoenix, despite her being its most iconic host, going back to the Claremont era. It also makes the role Emma Frost plays feel more personal, especially as it sets the stage for a more heated battle that won't just involve psychic attacks.

The situation, context, and tensions are all there for Jean Grey and Emma Frost. The journey to their clash never gets derailed or subverted. However, even with so many critical ingredients, the lack of heated drama leaves the overall story in Jean Grey #8 feeling muted. While it doesn't try to fight the entire battle between these intensely passionate characters all at once, it stops short of probing the open wounds between them.

They never berate each other over past failures. There's no heated exchange on how Emma affected Jean's marriage to Cyclops. There are all sorts of emotional sub-plots that didn't find their way into the conflict. While the door is left open for these sub-plots, the story still lacks the connecting emotions that give all its potent ingredients the necessary impact.

Psych War still has plenty of potential to make this latest clash between Jean Grey and Emma Frost as dramatic as it deserves to be. Jean Grey #8 is just the first step in that effort. These are two of the most powerful psychics in the Marvel universe and they just happen to have a long list of reasons to resent each other. Anything less than an omega-level clash just won't cut it.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Before The Ashes: Jean Grey #1

The following is my review of Jean Grey #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

When she's not dying, coming back from the dead, or being on the wrong end of a love triangle, Jean Grey is one of those characters whose story often gets defined by others. This is understandable because in many respects, she's the heart and soul of the X-men. She embodies the hope, drive, and passion that guides them. She makes such strong connections to those around her, be they teammates or rivals, that it's hard for her to exist in isolation. From the famous Phoenix Saga to her most recent death in Planet X, she serves as an emotional catalyst for the X-men as a whole.

While this benefits the X-men, it also means she rarely gets a chance to grow on her own. Her story is often too tied to those of her teammates that she just can't forge her own path. Even after she and the original five X-men come to the future in All-New X-men, she continues to follow the path of her team.

It almost seems like a gross oversight that Jean Grey has never gotten her own solo series. Other characters such as Doop, Pixie, and even her arch-rival Emma Frost got a solo series at one point. Overdue or not, Dennis Hopeless and Victor Ibanez use Jean Grey #1 to finally give her a chance to tell her own story.

It's a story that emerges out of unfamiliar circumstances for Jean. She isn't just a teammate and guiding force anymore. She's the leader of a team that's taking guidance from Magneto, of all people. By X-men standards, these circumstances couldn't be more unfamiliar without the influence of the Cosmic Cube.

Even so, Jean's personal agenda is the same as it was in the early issues of All-New X-men. She seeks to avoid a future where she ends up dead, resurrected, dead again, and a topic of awkward conversation between Wolverine and Cyclops. Hopeless makes the story personal by exploring Jean's mentality and personal sentiments. There have been plenty of scenes with Jean lamenting, fighting, and complaining about her situation. The idea of her just taking a moment to process feels both novel and overdue.

That's not to say she's able to process everything. She's still a time-displaced teenage girl who learns that she dies multiple times, may or may not have destroyed a planet, and has at least one evil clone. Not even the mental fortitude of Reed Richards can process something like that, but that helps mold the overall tone of the story. Jean Grey, despite all her overwhelming burdens, is all too human when it comes to matters of life, death, rebirth, and evil clones.

From the beginning, Jean Grey #1 emphasizes Jean's humanity. Those not familiar with her humanity or the many obstacles, cosmic and non-cosmic alike, that strain it get a few major highlights of her story. The ones that stick out most for Jean, as a character, are those surrounding her multiple deaths and various resurrections. This is where Hopeless establishes a critical theme for her and the series, as a whole.

Jean Grey doesn't just want to avoid becoming the woman who ends up dying multiple times and inspiring multiple retcons. She actively hates that person. She doesn't see her future self as someone she aspires to be. She sees her as a painful reminder, one that actually gives her nightmares. Granted, it is a bit melodramatic in that it overlooks a lot of the good her future self did, but she's a brooding teenager so it's perfectly appropriate.

On top of these musings and dreads, Jean gets a chance to be a typical hero. Whether by coincidence or cosmic karma, she's having lunch in Kyoto, Japan just as the Wrecking Crew is doing a heist. It's admittedly contrived. Even those involved admit that. It also gives Jean a chance to show just how powerful she has become. It emphasizes that, despite how much she hates her future self, she's still a hero at heart.

The perspective and style in Jean Grey #1 feels very personal. Even if the action is predictable, Ibanez's art makes it flashy. It also sets the stage for the over-arching narrative that puts Jean on a collision course with the Phoenix Force. Given the status of the Phoenix Saga as one of the greatest X-men stories ever told, it raises both the stakes and the risks.

It's an unfortunate byproduct of such a dramatic and iconic story. Any effort to expand or explore that story tends to undermine, complicate, or convolute it to some degree. Sometimes it's for the better, as Chris Claremont proved with Inferno. Sometimes, it just comes off feeling too forced, as proven in Avengers vs. X-men. However, in the case of Jean Grey, it's a story that cannot and should not be avoided.

The foundation is already in place. The events of The Trial of Jean Grey proved that what the Phoenix did and what it can potentially do is still relevant. Jean, despite her best efforts, cannot avoid this part of her past and future. During the battle with the Wrecking Crew, she gets a harsh, but overdue reminder that her story and that of the Phoenix Force is inextricably linked.

While some details of the narrative in Jean Grey #1 are still contrived, the underlying themes and overall tones remain strong. They carry the necessary dramatic weight that is so critical to any story involving Jean Grey and the Phoenix Force. Hopeless crafts a story that makes it easy to sympathize with Jean. He makes it easy to root for her. For a character who is often the victim of so many dramatic tragedies and insipid love triangles, it's a welcome and overdue change.

The series still has a lot to prove. The prospect of more complications with the Phoenix Force and even more teenage melodrama ensures Jean Grey has many opportunities to falter. Whether or not Hopeless and Ibanez can avoid that cosmic trap remains to be seen, but they still succeed in reminding everyone why Jean Grey is the heart of the X-men.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Storm #3

I know I give ex-girlfriends a lot of shit on this blog. To be fair, some do plenty to earn it. But I understand there are some that are actually civil when it comes to breakups. These women might as well be on the endangered species list with the tiger and the spotted owl. That’s what makes them so precious. In terms of ex-girlfriends, having someone like Storm could either be really good or really bad. Most people who get on Storm’s bad side live every waking moment terrified that a lightning bolt will get shoved up their ass at any given moment. But unlike most gods, she’s merciful and understanding. She’s had her share of love interests in the past. She’s done a lot in recent times to make Wolverine her most passionate interest, which is fitting since he’s about to die. But of all the lovers Storm has had, few have been more complicated and confusing as Forge. For a time, they had the kind of chemistry that would’ve made them the tabloid equivalent to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Then they had to become Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. It’s been a long time since they’ve interacted. Hell, Storm has been married and divorced in that period. Now in Storm #3, their paths are set to cross again. I don’t expect Storm to be the kind of vindictive ex-girlfriend who dedicates her every breath to emasculating all men around her. But even if she did, who would I be to question a goddess like her?

By this standard, I would say Beast counts as an infidel because he keeps busting Storm’s balls for some of the exceedingly noble shit she’s been doing lately. First, she dared to help a village that had been under the thumb of a ruthless dictator. Then, she located a bunch of missing teenagers that Callisto had been looking after and decided to leave them in her hands. This all seems too Cyclops-like to Beast so he complains, but as always nothing comes of it. He just reminds her that doing the right thing and being awesome sometimes has consequences and his balls are too fragile to take some of those consequences. But that’s his problem.

Beyond being a douche, he does give her something of substance beyond his constant whining. Someone wants Storm to visit Kenya to oversee the deployment of a new technology that will combat drought. It’s pretty exciting because if it works, it means her homeland would be free of famine and U2 fundraisers forever. Having once been worshipped as a goddess back in Kenya, she has plenty of reasons to go and getting away from Beast’s bitching is definitely top five.

She returns to Kenya, recounting all the ways it’s near and dear to her along the way. Anyone not familiar with her history won’t have to rely entirely on Wikipedia for once, which might be jarring for some readers. She’s then greeted by an elder named Esther Shira, who was among those who worshipped her. It’s not every day someone gets to actually meet the goddess they worshipped without the aid of potent hallucinogens. Usually, that takes the fun out of it, but Storm’s beauty and grace more than makes up for it. Esther provides a kind and welcoming face for Storm and the villagers, who I imagine wouldn’t hesitate to worship her again if she could ensure they never had to listen to another U2 concert again.

At first, it’s shaping up to be a nice, pleasant visit to her homeland. Then Storm meet’s Esther’s son, Noah, who’s kind of an asshole. He’s not an Iceman-caliber asshole, but at least he has an excuse. He’s helping with the new irrigation system, which apparently had its water cut off three years ago because someone didn’t get their bribe or someone just felt like being a dick. Not going to start accusing Iceman or Beast, but I’m not removing them from my list of top suspects. Whatever the reason, it provides a decent context as to why this town wants this new technology to work. It would help them sleep easier at night knowing their likelihood of going hungry isn’t contingent on how much of a dick someone is willing to be.

Then Storm’s trip home gets even less pleasant because Esther reveals who is responsible for providing this technology. It’s not the Gates foundation or Warren Buffet. It’s her old flame, Forge. I’m sure Storm was hoping that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were the ones behind this, but that might have been asking for a bit too much. It makes for an awkward, yet somewhat hollow moment. But it’s a moment that has been a long time in the making.

I say it’s hollow because as awkward as it was, it didn’t really have much of an emotional impact. It was basically, “Oh…my ex is here. Okay then, now I want to kick Beast’s ass.” It undermines the history between these two characters. Granted, that history is somewhat buried and hasn’t really been a factor since the Reagan administration. But for a time, Storm and Forge were a pretty serious relationship. Now their paths finally cross again after she’s been married, a queen, and re-adopted her Mohawk hair style.

It’s not completely random either. Forge actually decided to test this technology in this village because Storm told him about it back when they were together. And he specifically didn’t mention his name when he sent Storm the invitation. I don’t want to say that’s a dick move because he’s trying to feed starving people here. I’ll just say that he’s lucky Storm is so understanding because inviting an ex is usually like inviting a hungry pit bull to bacon factory.

Despite the minimal emotional impact, Forge gets right down to business. He starts demonstrating his technology, which is capable of creating a small storm cloud over a field. It’s basically the kind of shit Storm can do in her sleep. The problem is when he tries to turn it up, he triggers the kind of shit she would conjure if she found Sinister choking a baby kitten. There’s very little balance in between. It’s like my shower, which has only two settings: arctic blast and devil piss. He says it needs calibrating, but the blessings of a goddess certainly couldn’t hurt. Storm tells him that nature is all about balance and by fucking with that balance, he’s going to get way worse than a few lightning bolts up his ass. Most people probably pray for that whenever they need to call tech support for Verizon.

But making this technology work isn’t the only conflict here. Some, namely that prick Noah, aren’t too keen about getting this kind of help, even if it’s from a goddess. I would say that’s a dick move, but he and Forge do make some valid points. With the exception of stoners and S&M enthusiasts, nobody likes having to rely on outsiders to survive. Noah thinks relying on this technology could make them the equivalent of crack heads. Forge makes clear that he intends to let the village control this technology, not some poorly-managed foundation run by rock bands looking for good PR. There’s not a lot of trust and given Forge’s history, that’s not entirely unreasonable. It still feels like a shitty excuse to refuse a way to combat famine. There are many legitimate complaints about not accepting handouts, but even the Koch brothers would agree that preventing famine deserves an exception.

Whatever their reservations, Storm still decides to help. Preventing famine in her home country is kind of important to her. She starts helping Forge out, but this is where she starts recalling all the reasons why trusting her ex-boyfriend might not be the best way to aid her people. She starts reminding him of some of the shit he pulled back in the day and she doesn’t just focus on the nasty stuff that probably made it into Penthouse. It makes for a much more volatile test and volatile by Storm standards means hiding in the basement like doomsday preppers for those of us with less divine standards.

She starts listing more instances where Forge fucked up. He tries to make the same excuses that so many others made, saying he wasn’t in his right state of mind. If that excuse doesn’t work for Cyclops, it sure as hell doesn’t work for Forge. Storm then makes clear that if for any moment she suspects his asshole inclinations factor into this technology of his, she’ll make sure it fails before it can screw over the innocent people it’s supposed to help. And being her ex, he can expect her to be extra careful when judging him. That means Forge better have an adamantium cup protecting his balls.

To his credit, Forge keeps up his end of the bargain. He’s able to calibrate the machine and makes sure it works in a way that won’t punch Mother Nature in the jaw. The problem is that Noah, the second biggest asshole in this series after Beast, isn’t satisfied with that. He wants Forge to make it so they still have the option to fuck with the weather if they’re so inclined. Maybe they think a gentle rain just isn’t enough. Maybe they’ll just get bored one day and decide to unleash a hurricane at some neighboring village that gave them a dirty look. Forge doesn’t like it, but he’s not in a position to oppose him. For Storm, however, Noah can safely assume he’s more fucked than a wounded deer in front of Ted Nugant’s house.

Storm doesn’t wait for anyone to reason with Noah. She lives with Beast and Iceman. She knows when douchebags can’t be reasoned with. So she does what she has to do and destroys the machine before Noah can claim it. This rightly upsets Forge and Esther, but Storm rightly points out that nobody trusts each other enough with this gear. She then lists all the ways it could be horribly misused and after Noah expressed an interest in having that option, she’s perfectly justified in destroying it. The threat of famine sucks, but the threat of fucking up the weather sucks even worse and for way more people. It’s a difficult decision that even gods struggle to make, but it’s one Storm makes and she does it with a grace worthy of a goddess. I know I should be used to that by now in this series. I really should. But like a cold beer on a hot summer day, it never gets old.

Storm leaves Forge to continue working with Noah in hopes they’ll rebuild the machine and the trust they’ll need to run it. It’ll also give Esther plenty of time to punish Noah for being such an asshat. It makes for one last nice moment between Storm and Forge. They don’t go so far as to have any makeup sex, although I’m sure the thought crossed Forge’s mind. Storm isn’t even ready to have the, “Let’s just be friends,” talk either. But she makes clear that she doesn’t hold grudges and she’s willing to give friendship a chance. Whereas most goddesses would smite infidels and laugh while they suffer, Storm is willing to be friends with them. I’m pretty sure that puts her several rungs above every other god ever worshipped, but that really shouldn’t surprise anyone at this point.

Having a good ex-girlfriend is like having an inoperable but benign tumor. It can be horribly uncomfortable and unsightly, but it’s better than the alternative. Now Storm certainly has reasons to be a lousy ex-girlfriend to Forge. Their history has been troubled at times, albeit not to the degree that Tom Cruise’s last marriage, but she’s not one to hold a grudge. For any ex-girlfriend to say that is like hearing a cop say, “Meh, don’t worry about all those unpaid parking tickets.” It’s both liberating for forge and symbolic for Storm. It once again shows that she’s a goddess worthy of worship. She’ll take the moral high ground and look dead sexy doing it.

And like previous issues, she’s willing to go out of her way to take on heroic tasks that don’t involve killer robots. Helping a poor African village create a better irrigation system to avert famine might not be as impressive as hitting a Sentinel with a few dozen bolts of lightning, but it’s every bit as heroic. It’s the kind of shit Bono fights for when he’s not pissing off ITunes users. This issue didn’t hit the same emotional chords as the first two, but it’s still a quality story about Storm being awesome. Storm #3 gets an 8 out of 10. Forge is in an elite club of men, having dated a beautiful woman and not been subject to their bitter wrath. His balls should thank him every day for that because there are too many men in this world, especially those who have never heard of a pre-nup, who can’t say the same. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Storm #2

I don’t claim to be an expert on women. I can only claim to be an expert in finding ways to piss them off. Any man claiming to be an expert in women is either lying, delusional, or mistakes having a fuckton of money as charm. It’s for that reason I think comics that focus on one female character are so hard to make awesome. Most comic book writers are men. I’m sorry feminazis, that’s just the reality. Bitching about it won’t change that. But there are so many powerful women in comics that it’s easy to forget that many of them were created by men. And even when women get a chance to write them, it doesn’t always work out. That’s why I think we’re in a golden age of female comic characters. Between Captain Marvel, X-23, Elektra, and Ms. Marvel, there is a wealth of strong female characters to go around. I’m sure feminazis will still find a reason to bitch about it, but they should at least give Storm a pass. She’s one of the most powerful and endearing characters in the history of Marvel and after what I can only describe as a crack-induced oversight, she has her own solo series again. The first issue was a testament to all the things that make Storm awesome. Storm #2 now has the task of adding a little shine to that testament. In the past, I would be skeptical at best. But in this wonderful age of wonderful comic book women besides Wonder Woman, I’m going to try and be optimistic without the aid of cocaine.

It’s much easier for Storm to be optimistic. In the previous issue, she roughed up a few angry militia types in an area where the local government gives human rights the same priority as used toilet paper. It also pissed of Hank McCoy, which is always a bonus these days. Whereas I would celebrate such a feat with 30 strippers and a case of whiskey, Storm has simpler tastes in that she opts to have a lunch date with Wolverine over beer and a burger. So not only is she a goddess, she appreciates beer and burgers. Anyone not worshipping this woman yet has no fucking soul.

They talk about the incident and how it pisses off Beast, which I imagine counts as foreplay for them. Wolverine comments that she’s being a little reckless than usual and while it does give him a boner, he does worry because that’s his job and she’s just going to upstage him. Storm claims it might be him influencing her, but that only gives her a pussy boner so I guess the feeling is mutual. Rather than arguing like most couples would, Storm gets up and asks Wolverine to dance a little. Wolverine comments she’s always had a bit of a bad girl inside her and not just because she used to be a thief. He’s probably not wrong either. When the owner of the restaurant tells them no dancing, she gives him the Johnny Manziel treatment and does it anyways. And unlike Manziel, not even the NFL would dare fine her.

After a nice little dance that should keep Storm/Wolverine fans squealing until Labor Day, Wolverine says he has to go back to his binge drinking and super-secret missions. I have a hard time believing any of that shit is more appealing than spending quality time with Storm. But before he leaves, she shows him that she can be a bad girl and the best possible ways. It’s the kind of gesture that should keep Storm/Wolverine fans squealing until Labor Day in 2017. It also sucks in a way because the Storm/Wolverine relationship that began after Avengers vs. X-men really hasn’t gotten a lot of development until recently. And as it just so happens, Wolverine is set to die so this blossoming relationship has an expiration date on par with milk from Wal-Mart. It’s tragic, but at least they’re getting in nice moments like this. We can’t have the makers of Prozac getting too excited.

With her lover now off on his super-secret stabbing missions, Storm is left on her own. She can do anything she wants. She’s a fucking weather goddess. But while some would use their absent lover as an excuse to bang half the fire department, Storm decides to use her powers to find a missing girl. Why? Does she even need a reason? Like I said, she’s a fucking weather goddess. I don’t dare question how she spends her free time because I enjoy not having a lightning bolt shoved up my ass.

But helping a missing girl isn’t just some random act she decides to do in the same way I might randomly decide to dip bacon in a can of baked beans. A missing girl is something that resonates with her personally because she was once one of them. It’s hard to imagine that the goddess so worthy of worship now was once a pickpocket in Cairo. It’s like imagining Marlon Brando when he weighed under 250 pounds. A nice flashback captures all the emotions and struggles that she dealt with. She had to watch fend for herself after watching her own mother die from under a pile of rubble yet she still became this kickass X-woman/goddess. She makes the people who bitch that they didn’t have cable growing up sound like real assholes.

The girl she hopes to find is named Angie and her story is the kind of shit that Nancy Grace built her career on. She lived in a shelter, got involved with an abusive asshole boyfriend of the Ike Turner variety, and just disappeared. Since she just turned 19, the police are taking a “Let’s not and say we did,” approach to finding her so they could focus on more important things like harassing minorities with weed. That means it’s up to Storm to find this girl and she has nothing to go on but Angie’s old cell phone. Being a goddess, she can succeed where the police fail to give a shit and look damn sexy doing it.

She’s able to convince Beast to stop being a douche-bag for at least three minutes and help her use the phone to track Angie’s possible location. He may make shitty excuses to Cyclops and Wolverine, but even he’s not a big enough douche to fuck around with Storm. With his help, Storm finds out that she’s somewhere in the sewer systems of Manhattan. That makes sense because that’s the only place that doesn’t cost twenty bucks just to get into. It’s still not a pleasant place for Storm. She still has severe claustrophobia on the same level that I have a severe phobia of running out of beer. But that isn’t really a factor and that’s somewhat of a disappointment because a dark sewer is the kind of thing that would make most claustrophobics shit themselves. There’s still some nice internal monologue to provide more insight into Storm’s motivation for finding this missing girl, but she’s still way too comfortable than anyone should be in a New York City sewer, claustrophobic or otherwise.

It gets extremely uncomfortable very quickly when her search for Angie leads her directly to Callisto, who is about as welcoming to visitors as North Korea. It also doesn’t help that Storm and Callisto have a history. And by that I mean her history is almost on the same level as the history between Giants fans and Eagles fans. They don’t need to start arguing which team is going to suck worse this year. They just start fighting.

It’s a volatile, but somewhat tame fight. It contains some nice references to past X-men stories involving the Morlocks. It also provides a more personal kind of action that goes beyond just blowing up killer robots. However, anyone who doesn’t know that history very well is just going to see a couple of mutants fighting for no fucking reason. Even for those who do know their history, the way the fight just happens feels off. It’s like a bar fight that starts when everyone is still sober. It might be personal, but it has little purpose.

Storm naturally gains the upper hand, forcing Callisto to get help from some friends of hers that look like Voldermort cos-players. But they still know they’ve got no chance against Storm. I’ll say it again. She’s a fucking weather goddess. They might as well be a bunch of grasshoppers trying to take down Godzilla. Knowing this, they wisely run. Storm follows them, probably assuming that these people are using girls like Angie for ritual sacrifices to some lesser god with the head of a llama and the body of a squid.

But when she catches up to them, she finds something completely different. Not only are there no ritual sacrifices going on, but Angie is there and she’s incredibly pissed at what Storm did to Callisto. She even finds out that what she thought could be an evil ritual chamber is actually the equivalent of a college dorm. And she just fucked it up without even giving them the courtesy of a keg party. It’s an awkward moment on par with showing up to a job interview in a bikini.

After the awkwardness passes, the shit storm settles down and Callisto gives an explanation. She says these kids weren’t kidnapped. They were just scared runaways that needed a safe place to stay. And since the Morlocks are long gone/massacred, Callisto has a void in her life to fill. So instead of getting six dozen cats and moving to the mountains, she agrees to take in these runaways and protect them. It’s probably the nicest thing she’s ever done that didn’t involve winning an arm wrestling contest for charity. The problem is it makes Callisto’s reason (or lack thereof) for picking a fight with her all the more fucked up. She knows Storm well enough to understand she’s not the kind of person who just comes looking for missing teenagers to make them more miserable than they already are. It makes their fight completely unnecessary. All it accomplishes is making a mess without the fun of a party.

Storm, once again showing the kind of humility that the Sarah Palins of the world never dare show, offers her sincere apology and helps clean up the mess she made. She doesn’t try to throw money at them either or make excuses. She actually uses her bare hands. When has Sara Palin ever used her bare hands for anything other than writing notes on shit she’s too lazy to remember? I’m not just saying I would vote for Storm over any woman. I’m saying there wouldn’t need to be a vote in the first place.

Before she leaves, Storm decides she still hasn’t been awesome enough. She charges their batteries and says she’ll have other X-men bring them supplies that will make living in the sewer feel less like living in the sewer. Even though Callisto was a total ass who picked a totally unnecessary fight with her, Storm shrugs it off and trusts her to look after these kids. Most people usually don’t trust those who pick fights with them for no reason. But most people are a compassionate weather goddess who looks good in a mohawk.

Just to make sure there are no lose ends like a truly benevolent goddess, Storm convinces Beast to stop being a douche for three more minutes. He agrees to keep monitoring Callisto in these kids, just in case someone comes along to pick a fight for much less trivial reasons. He even manages to get Angie’s asshole ex-boyfriend arrested. It’s been a while since Beast has done something that doesn’t make me want to punch a baby seal. It’s refreshing, but he still has a long fucking way to go.

Having found a missing girl and aided a group of runaways stuck living underground, I think Storm can officially say she’s had a productive day. She didn’t get to destroy any robots or fuck up any repressive dictatorships, but she still made a positive difference on the lives of others. She has more than earned a chance to catch up with Wolverine again and have a little personal time before he runs off to stab more shit again. It’s a genuinely good day in the life of Ororo Munroe and a good day for Wolverine as well. She was bad when she needed to be bad and good when she needed to be good. For once, my penis, my brain, and my heart are in total agreement. Storm is awesome.

Remarkably, I didn’t need any cocaine to make this comic awesome. This was one of those rare books that can be enjoyed both sober and stoned. Like the first issue, it captures so much of what makes Ororo Munroe one of the most lovable, endearing characters in comics. She’ll go out of her way to rescue a run-away girl. Then she’ll go out of her way to help said girl when she finds out that she doesn’t need rescuing. She’ll fight when she needs to fight. She’ll help when she needs to help. And most importantly, she’ll find just the right time to be damn sexy. She’s the perfect blend of the woman a guy would want to marry and the woman they would want to have a one night stand in Vegas with. Of all the powerful women in the Marvel universe, Storm is the most worthy of being worshiped, loved, and respected while being divinely bonerific. This issue shows why and more than anything else, shows that Wolverine can die happy knowing he died as Storm’s lover. Storm #2 gets a 9 out of 10. There may never be a woman in real life as awesome as Storm. We’re all pitiful lumps of shit compared to a goddess like her. But I think feminists and Fox News anchors can agree that Ororo Munroe sets a high standard and looks pretty damn awesome while doing it. Nuff said!

Worthy of Worship: Storm #1

The following is my review of Storm #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Mankind has worshipped a long list of gods, goddesses, spirits, and reality TV stars over the centuries. It can be argued to no end whether such entities are worthy of worship and some of those arguments have turned into all-out holy wars. But it’s not an unreasonable notion to consider, assessing what makes a powerful deity worthy of worship.

There are a great many characters in the Marvel universe that have all the defining characteristics of a deity, along with all the crippling personality flaws of former child stars. There are beings that can blow up buildings, control thoughts, and fly wherever they want without being harassed by the TSA, but not all are worthy of worship. Some are even worthy of the exact opposite because they end up abusing their powers in ways rivaled only by Zeus, minus the numerous illegitimate offspring.

Then, there is Ororo Munroe of the X-men. If ever there were a standard by which gods and goddesses would be deemed worthy of worship, she would be the one to set it. Storm has done a lot to endear herself to many since she was introduced as part of the All-New All-Different X-men. She is a leader, a friend, an ally, and a lover. She was even a queen for a time. She takes on these roles while wielding the power of the elements, something that would warrant worship by default in most eras of human civilization. And Storm #1 helps reveal that she deserves that worship and then some.

Storm has always had a high profile with the X-men and the Marvel Universe as a whole, but there are times when the responsibility of this profile obscure the personality that has become adored by so many. This story has her taking a step back from those responsibilities so she can just be the caring, compassionate woman she is at heart. For her, that involves more than just hugging random strangers, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or buying carbon credits to offset her carbon footprint.

Storm wields the power of the elements. That means she can visit some poor village in a third world country and use her powers to prevent an incoming tsunami that would have otherwise created a humanitarian crisis worthy of a celebrity telethon. She doesn’t do this because it’s part of a mission or because Hydra has somehow hijacked the weather. She does it because it’s the compassionate, moral thing to do. It shouldn’t be such a novel concept, but it is and that’s a big part of what endears her to others. The village cheers and embraces her. They stand ready to worship her for saving them and she doesn’t even demand that they sacrifice an animal in her name. It helps set her apart from far less compassionate gods throughout history.

But it isn’t just the amazing feats that Storm accomplishes that makes her worthy of worship. She’s also capable of far simpler acts that don’t involve manipulating the elements of nature. In addition to saving villages, she’s a teacher at the Jean Grey Institute and that often involves dealing with troubled teenage mutants who are in the process of figuring out that the world isn’t that compassionate. One of these students essentially calls Storm out, arguing that the X-men often blur the lines between training mutants to use their powers and just training them to be X-men. It’s not an unreasonable criticism to make. Not every mutant wants their lives to revolve around Danger Room training, killer robot Sentinels, and evil clones. It’s an issue that isn’t often raised and Storm does something that most worshipped beings don’t do in that she listens.

This helps reveal in Storm another defining quality not common among gods. She has an uncanny sense of humility. She’s not just willing to stop a tsunami using tornados without demanding worship or sacrifice of any kind. She’s willing to walk alongside the very people she protects, helping them clean up the damage done to their village and even taking time to pose for pictures. There are B-list celebrities that aren’t that generous to their fellow man, some of which even charge hefty fees for a photo. Storm earns every bit of adulation she gets, carrying herself both as a goddess and just an ordinary woman with a big heart.

However, all these demonstrations of power and compassion wouldn’t be complete without showing she’s still as tough as the weather she controls. What makes her feats in this village all the more remarkable is that it’s in a part of the world that seeks to do to mutants what Uganda is doing to homosexuals. Storm is beloved by the people, but not by the local government.

This government claims they can take care of their own people and don’t need someone who can control the weather. For some reason, they think that means forcing innocent villagers away from their homes to make room for an overpriced resort for rich people. Storm, despite protests from her fellow X-men, makes it clear that she is not the kind of goddess that takes kindly to such acts. She doesn’t wait for a rapture or a second coming either to make them pay for their actions, showing that even a compassionate goddess can be vengeful when necessary.

Storm has so many qualities, both as a person and as a hero, that make her worthy of worship. Storm #1 serves as a simple, concise story that illuminates these qualities in all the right ways. It provides insight into Storm perceives herself and how she is perceived by others. It effectively conveys all the qualities that make her such a great X-man and a great hero in general. It is a testament to a goddess that doesn’t need temples, worship, prayers, or sacrifice. Her own actions speak to her divine nature and this issue delivered her message loud and clear.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Storm #1

It’s an exciting time to be a minority in America and a shitty time to be a Fox News pundit. Against the wishes of uptight religious zealots and incontinent old white people, minorities are making progress. Some of it has shown in comics recently. Marvel celebrated its first gay wedding a few years ago. It has a black/hispanic Spider-Man and soon, there will be a black Captain America to go along with a female Muslim Ms. Marvel. I can already hear Glenn Beck bitching and moaning about it and it’s a beautiful thing. But with all these new developments, it’s easy to miss that Storm has been pissing off these uptight, racist, misogynistic assholes for decades. She is one of the most prominent characters in all of X-men. She’s a leader, a lover, a friend, and a badass weather goddess that nobody dares piss off. Yet she has rarely had her own solo series to call her own. Meanwhile, Wolverine has had a fuckton of solos where his biggest contributions to minority relations is boning foreign women. Now as Marvel finding out that there is a market for badass women, it has decided to give Storm another shot at a solo series. I want to applaud this move, but then I realize it’s fucking 2014 and this is one of those things that should’ve happened a couple decades ago. But since I was high as fuck for most of the 90s, I’ll look past it and embrace Storm #1 as yet another sign that the Fox News crowd are losing.

It seems everything Storm does is an affront to everything Rush Limbaugh stands for. She casually flies into a poor foreign country wearing clothes that show off her beauty. She does so with a grace and power that would make every man’s balls shrink in shame. And she arrives with the intent to stop a natural disaster that would irreparably harm dozens of innocent people utilizing a special power that only she wields. She couldn’t possibly be more opposed to right-wing assholes without including free birth control. What makes it all the more awesome is that there’s a nice string of inner monologue offering insight into how she wields this power over the elements and how she perceives herself. She acknowledges that she has been a goddess in the eyes of many, but that doesn’t stop her from maintaining her humility. I think that’s her subtle way of saying, “Kiss my ass, Zeus!”

She then proves that she’s capable of utilizing her god-like powers to do more than just seduce mortals and churn out illegitimate demigods. In a display that would probably make Greenpeace cry tears of joy, she single-handedly diverts an incoming tsunami. She doesn’t do it with creative engineering or rapid evacuations either. She does it with fucking tornados. It’s exactly as awesome as it sounds. And the villagers share my sentiment. As they watch her save their village and their lives, one of them even smiles and greets her.

It makes for a beautiful moment with the girl. After the tsunami is diverted and the village is saved, the little girl runs up to Storm and hugs her. But unlike every other god or goddess in the history of the world, she actually responds. She doesn’t even demand that she sacrifice a chicken. She just does this because she has the power and it’s the right thing to do. What a fucking concept, right? The whole village cheers her. I doubt any of the other gods they had ever worshipped ever did something like this and took the time to pose for pictures as well. It shows just how inadequate our gods truly are, but I don’t mind in the slightest because Storm makes it look so damn awesome.

This could have been the most awesome religious moment that Mel Gibson didn’t profit from, but like the Richard Dawkins of the world, a cold dose of reality ruins the moment. This time it comes in the form of some asshole in a uniform with a big gun claiming this place, which is apparently called Santo Marco, has a strict no-mutant policy in the same way that Uganda has a strict no-gays policy. It’s a real dick move to someone who just saved hundreds of lives. It would be like telling a doctor who just performed life-saving surgery on a thousand orphans to piss off, but that’s exactly what he does. Storm could have easily gotten Old Testament on his ass, but she chose not to because she’s not that kind of goddess. For her, fire and brimstone is so 18^th century.

Storm returns to the Jean Grey Institute with her head held high and why not? She saved so many innocent lives and did a great thing for the world. It would take a monumental douche to not let her take the time to appreciate that. Unfortunately, the Jean Grey Institute still employs Hank McCoy. He just has to prematurely end her good mood, but not because she was rude to the asshole with the big fucking guns. One of their students is acting up. Considering how many teenagers attend the Jean Grey Institute, that’s like telling her that a skunk’s rotting corpse smells terrible. However, one student in particular is causing trouble and for once it isn’t Kid Omega. And since Wolverine isn’t around to solve the problems with his claws, he needs Storm’s help. I guess if anyone is going to deal with the shit storm of a teenager, it might as well be a goddess like Storm.

The teenager in question is a girl named Creep and she’s as much of a bitch as her name implies. Her powers involve turning everywhere she goes into a swamp, which sounds about as useful as body odor on date. And for some reason, she’s not fitting in at the Jean Grey Institute. I guess making everyone feel like they’re in a fucking swamp isn’t a good way to make friends. Storm tries to go from goddess to counselor, as she often has to do, but this is where it gets a little more personal and not in the ways that would make a good article in Hustler.

Creep goes off on this rant that puts into question the entire premise of the Jean Grey Institute. She claims they just take in mutants and indoctrinate them into this whole X-men ideology the way Rick Santorum wishes schools would do for his fucked up ideology. She calls out Storm for basically just being part of the X-men’s mission and not practicing what Xavier preached with respect to using their powers. She’s not entirely wrong either, although she does sound like she’s just bitching and pissed off. Normally, having a heated argument with Storm is a good way to get a few dozen lightning bolts up the ass, but when that argument has some merit, she will listen. It’s yet another quality that makes her better than any other god or goddess ever worshipped.

She actually takes Creep’s criticisms seriously and in an act that no god or politician ever dreams of doing, she actually decides to change it. So despite running the risk of pissing off some warlord who uses captured prisoners for target practice, Storm returns to Santo Marco and helps them clean up the damage done by the tsunami. Naturally, they’re all overjoyed to see her. And this time, she doesn’t just rely on her powers to make people want to worship her. She actually gets her hands dirty, picking up garbage and helping to rebuild homes. The idea of any god or goddess getting their hands dirty when they can be off starting wars or inspiring suicide bombers sounds so outrageous, but it shouldn’t be. And that’s the biggest impact of this story.

At times, Storm has been a stern leader who will inspire anyone to spit in the devil’s face and oppose any asshole who gets in her way. At times, she has been a loving caretaker that everyone turns to when they need a good hug and a pep talk, assuming Wolverine’s method of applying whisky and profanity to every problem doesn’t work for everyone. For a time, she was even a queen, even though it required a bullshit marriage that couldn’t end fast enough. But this story shows that at her heart, Storm is a just an overall loving, caring person that seeks to do the right thing for the right reasons. Again, that shouldn’t sound so outrageous, but in this age of fallen heroes and pissed off anti-heroes, it might as well be as revolutionary as it is awesome.

As expected, someone eventually comes along to put a stop to all this compassion and charity. For once, it isn’t Hank McCoy. The same asshole from earlier who kicked Storm out of the country because she happened to be a mutant wants her to leave again. And just because he has a death wish, he demands that everyone in the village leave to in order to make room for some fancy resort for rich people. For some reason, Storm has a big problem with that. And instead of respecting shady business deals and bullshit politics, she decides to kick their asses. An army of thugs versus a fucking weather goddess? That sounds about as fair as it needs to be. She already stopped a natural disaster and saved hundreds of lives. She might as well save more lives by beating the shit out of armed thugs in the process, as if she hasn’t proven herself to be awesome enough.

Her deeds should be celebrated. Of course, Beast finds a way to be annoyed by it because he has to deal with the authority figures bitching and moaning about how anyone could have the audacity to protect innocent people. He’s got his work cut out for him, but the rest of the X-men approve of her badass approach to helping the poor and needy. Even Creep, the girl who whined at her earlier is impressed. It’s probably not going to go over well with the Ugandas of the world. They’ll probably use this as an excuse to make even harsher anti-mutant laws and they’ll probably have the full support of the Pat Robertsons of the world, but that won’t stop Storm from being badass on a divine level. And if Beast doesn’t like it, he can kiss her ass.

And she’s still not done being awesome. After returning to the Jean Grey Institute again, she confronts Creep and admits something no god or goddess has ever admitted before: she has a valid point. Creep clearly isn’t fitting in. She doesn’t belong at the Jean Grey Institute. She wants to go back home to her family and Storm gladly escorts her. If at this point the gods anyone else worship don’t seem like assholes by comparison, I don’t know what more Storm can do without ending world hunger or erasing every season of the Jersey Shore from public memory. She’s not just a goddess. She’s a compassionate, badass X-man capable of being awesome on a truly divine level.

There aren’t a lot of people or things in this world I think are worthy of worship that don’t involve efficient means of delivering alcohol and weed into my blood stream, but I would put Storm right up there with Jack Daniels in terms of figures worthy of worship. This whole issue is a testament to why she’s not just one of the greatest X-men of all time, she’s a damn fine human being capable of the kind of compassion that would make Ayan Rand shit herself. She has the power and grace of a goddess, but wields the humility and heart of a thousand Mother Theresas. What other god, fictional or otherwise, warrants that kind of worship? And like some gods that demand a goat sacrifice just to stave off plagues, Storm doesn’t demand worship. She just sees suffering in the world and uses her powers to heal it. On top of it all, she has a great ass. That makes her a true goddess in every sense of the word. Storm #1 gets a divine 10 out of 10. Now I know I’m going to offend a lot of religious people by saying this, but it needs to be said. Compared to Storm, the gods of every other major religion suck. Not because of their power or how many adherents they have, but because Storm actually earns the right to be called a goddess and she does it while looking sexy as hell. Nuff said!