X-men: Days of Future (Undoing the) Past - A Painfully Detailed Review

When it comes to providing quality awesome to the fine folks to who follow this mess of drunken ramblings some call a blog, I am fully willing to put myself through plenty of punishment. I will endure hangovers, brain damage, and strange burn marks on my ass that I don't remember getting after blacking out at a rave in Miami. That's how dedicated I am. Now it's easier for me in some respects because sometimes pain gives me a boner. But what I just did is nowhere near as enjoyable as paying a couple of strippers to bite my nipple and choke me while I touch myself. Since I know some fans would be clamoring for it, I sucked it up and did it. I saw X-men: Days of Futures Past.

Now I had planned to see this movie at some point, preferably when it came out on cable so I could go to the bathroom during commercial breaks and throw up when I needed. But I decided to just bite the bullet, sneak some whiskey into a movie theater, and saw the movie so that I can at least give the impression that I know what the fuck I'm talking about when I discuss it. Sure, I left drunk, but I also left with a full assessment of this movie that was supposed to give the X-men movies a fresh start.

Let's start by getting one thing out of the way. X-men: Days of Futures Past is NOT as awful as X3 or Wolverine Origins or The Wolverine. But again, that's like saying punch in the jaw feels better than a kick in the balls. The bar for quality in the X-men movies has been set so fucking low that Homer Simpson has the athletic ability to jump it. So making a movie that didn't make fans want to violently shit out their intestines through their eye sockets wasn't very hard. However, that doesn't mean it was worth massaging Bryan Singer's ego.

Because that's really the impression I got when I saw this movie. X-men: Days of Futures Past was all about ego. There's a very salient scene that was blatantly spoiled in a trailer where Xavier and Magneto have this little exchange:

Xavier: You took the things that meant most to me.

Magneto: Well maybe you should have fought harder for them.

Then Magneto fucks up the plane to make his point, which is a pretty effective way to win an argument. But when I saw this, I got the sense that this same conversation happened at some point behind the scene.

Bryan Singer: You destroyed something that meant so much to me.

Brett Ratner: Well maybe you should have fought harder for it.

That really is what this is about. Singer himself stated outright that this movie was meant to fix the steaming mountain of shit that Brett Ratner created when he spewed out X3 through his colon. But let us not forget the context of that epic tragedy. Singer is the one that ditched the X-men movies. Ratner was just the dipshit Fox hired to try and replace him. Singer put Ratner in a position to desecrate his own mountains of shit and for what? So he could make a movie that turned Superman into a fucking deadbeat dad? I'm sorry, Mr. Singer, but you have nobody to blame but yourself for this shit.

And that is very much the same situation that Charles Xavier finds himself in. He just fucking up and quit, turning into a burned out Saturday Night Fever wannabe after he lost his team and his students. And it wasn't like Magneto took them from him. They all got drafted into the Vietnam War because back in the 60s and 70s, public lynchings of minorities were less tolerated so the the government did the next best thing and sent their asses to war. Yes, it's a dick move. But it's an even bigger dick move to not do dick about it.

It's only when Xavier and the rest of the surviving X-men in the dystopian world of 2023 concoct the plan to send Wolverine back to the past to give his younger self a good kick in the ass. This in and of itself reeks of the same bullshit that made X3 such an infuriating subject for drunken X-men fans. In the same way Wolverine was forced into the main role that Cyclops should have had in X3, Wolverine is forced into the main role that Kitty Pryde should have had in X-men Days of Futures Past. At the very least, this time Kitty Pryde still plays a significant role. Unfortunately, she plays the role Rachel Grey should've played, but that's to be expected since Rachel Grey's parents were fucking killed. So from the beginning, this movie walks the same shit-stained path of X3.

However, it doesn't stay on that path. X-men Days of Futures Past actually relies less on shitty action and more on actual plot. There is a greater emphasis on making character moments that actually bring out a little emotion. The problem is those emotions still ring hollow. At no point in this movie does it make anyone forget just how badly the previous X-men movies were fucked. These emotions feel like nothing more than teases, like a stripper only pretending to take her top off. They never feel totally sincere.

That's not to say there isn't a concerted effort, but they leave me more confused than touched. Like why the fuck would Mystique get all weepy and teary-eyed over the deaths of Emma Frost, Azazel, or Banshee? There was absolutely no material in this movie or in X-men First Class to establish that she gave more than a partial fuck about them. I understand that they're all mutants and they're all supposed to be one big happy mutant brotherhood, but it's hard to take those emotions seriously when we have to just assume that Mystique, a character who has given fewer fucks than anyone in the X-men comics for the past decade, was actually really close to her teammates.

That's another thing that made me wish I snuck in another bottle of whiskey into the theater. A lot of the characters from X-men First Class were dead before this movie even began. Apparently, they had all been captured and subject to Nazi style torture by Bolivar Trask. No flashbacks. No teaser scene. They're all just dead and that's supposed to be what sets Mystique on the path to killing Trask, which somehow ushers in the dark and dangerous future that needs to be undone.

And that's yet another thing. Mystique is supposed to have killed Trask in 1973. And somehow THIS was supposed to be the trigger point. Yet in that time, the events of X1, X2, and X3 were able to transpire. Xavier said it himself. Trask's death is what kickstarted the Sentinel program. Yet his X-men, with all their power, did absolutely jack shit about it in all that time. The X-men are many things, but they're not nearly as inept as the fucking government. It lacks so many details, the least of which involves Bolivar Trask being alive and black in X2. Those are details that can be ignored in some circumstances, but this movie is trying to squeeze itself into the same universe as every other X-men movie. And therein lies the biggest flaw of X-men Days of Futures Past.

In Singer's effort to save his baby and his ego, he forgets that there are a fuckton of inconsistencies that should've made X-men First Class a reboot from the get go. 

First off, why the fuck is Bolivar Trask in X2, black, and not dead?

Second, how the fuck did Xavier and Magneto team up in X3 to recruit a young Jean Grey when they were clearly mortal enemies?

Third, how was Xavier able to walk when he met a young Jean Grey in X3 and still wield his telepathic powers when this movie established that so long as he took this drug to treat his legs, he couldn't use his telepathy?

Fourth, how is it that Xavier and Beast developed a serum that effectively suppressed their powers back in fucking 1973, yet they claimed they couldn't help mutants like Rogue or Cyclops, who couldn't control their powers?

Fifth, if a cure for mutant powers was developed that long ago, why the fuck was it such a big deal in X3?

Sixth, if Emma Frost is dead, then who the fuck was that same diamond-skinned woman in Wolverine Origins?

Seventh, if the Sentinels had working models as far back as 1973, why the fuck didn't they ever show up sooner? William Stryker knew about them. Yet he didn't bother using them when he attacked the X-men in X2?

Eighth, after Magneto demonstrates his power by taking an entire fucking football stadium and plop it down around the White House, how is it that Richard fucking Nixon, of all Presidents, basically shrugs his shoulders when Mystique decides to stop him? This is Richard Nixon, the man who began the drug war and spied on anyone who he couldn't make his bitch. Yet he's not paranoid enough to come up with some insane weapon to stop mutants like Magneto?

I could go on. There are so many inconsistencies in this movie that the idea that it takes place int he same universe as the other X-men movies makes no fucking sense, no matter how much LSD or weed anyone ingests. The only thing that can be said about this movie is that it did succeed in one important way. It completely undid the events of every other X-men movie, from X1 to The Wolverine. None of that shit happened. In the end, Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Professor Xavier are alive. Rogue is still at the school and not swapping spit with Iceman, hinting that her powers aren't cured. The Xavier Institute is still intact and Wolverine didn't turn into a complete fucking pussy by ditching the team to run off and hump Mariko Yashida. I admit this did make the movie feel satisfying. All these other X-men movies that I hated with the passion of a billion lit farts have officially been nullified. However, the same problems still persist.

Characters like Rogue are still horribly underdeveloped and utterly different from their entire history in the comics. Cyclops is still just the pretty boy who acts as an obstacle to Wolverine humping whoever he wants to hump at the moment. Jean Grey is still this passionless, dead-eyed barbie doll that exists only to turn Wolverine into Edward Cullen. Storm still lacks the grace and charisma that she's supposed to have because it doesn't jive with Halle Barry's acting style. And since Singer is staying on board, there's no reason to believe this shit will change, even with the complete reboot that this movie created.

So what more can I say about X-men: Days of Futures Past that I can't say while sober? In terms of comic book movies, this one has to be graded on a reverse curve because every other X-men movie sucks so horribly that it's impossible to compare it to other movies like the Avengers or Captain America: The Winter Soldier. But it did at least attempt to catch up to the new, refined style of comic book movies by undoing the shitty movies that came before it. 

However, it tried way too fucking hard to make X-men First Class fit into the same world. It would have been much easier and opened so many new doors to just say, "Fuck it, X-men First Class is a reboot." But Singer just had to undo the shit that fucked up his precious X2. I can't give this movie too high or too low a score in that respect. Right now, I'll give it a 5 out of 10 because while it still sucked when it came to details, it did succeed in what it was supposed to do. Now we can all just cheer that X3, Wolverine Origins, and The Wolverine officially didn't happen. Then we can look forward to Singer fucking up this new timeline. For that, I'm going to need way more whiskey when I go into the theaters to see X-men: Apocalypse. Nuff said!

X-men: Days of Futures Past - Decoding Whether It Will Suck

I've avoided talking about the upcoming X-men: Days of Futures Past movie on this blog and for good reason. Every time I start talking about the X-men movies, I get so worked up I need three shots of heroin just to keep the veins in my neck from exploding. I've made no secret of my sentiment towards the X-men movies. I think they all suck more balls than Jenna Jameson in her prime. But I know I can't ignore this shit. It's going to give off a shitty stench no matter what I say or don't say. But I wouldn't be much of an X-men fan and this wouldn't be much of a blog if I didn't at least mention this movie. And at the request of someone from The Hollywood Reporter, I think I have something I can share with my wonderful readers that doesn't involve a shot of heroin.

Longtime X-Men fans have bemoaned the fact that this summer’s X-Men: Days of Future Past sends Wolverine back in time to prevent a particularly dystopian future instead of Kitty Pryde, who served that role in the original comic version of the story. But what if there’s more going on than people suspected?

Read More At The Following Link:

'X-Men: Days of Future Past': Decoding CinemaCon's Time-Traveling Clip (Analysis)

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine #1

Comic book relaunches have been going around more frequently than cases of the clap at a Tijuana whore house. The hope is that by simply slapping a pretty new #1 on a book, it will sell better. And while it seems shallow and shameless, it fucking works. I’m sure the sales teams at Marvel and DC Comics are still shaking their heads at how often this works, but I’m also sure they don’t give a shit. For whatever reason, new #1s get people to throw money at a book as if it were a stripper with a new boob job. And Wolverine’s solo series has had more than its share of boob jobs in recent years. It has been relaunched almost as often as North Korean executions. While I roll my eyes and grab a fresh bottle of vodka at the news of every relaunch, I try to keep an open mind. Now a new Wolverine #1 promises to tell a new kind of Wolverine story, one where he has no healing factor and is painfully vulnerable. The final arc of his last series had him reject an opportunity to get his healing factor back. So now he can’t regrow limbs or keep a boner for six straight hours. While that may suck on the surface, it opens the door to many possibilities for Wolverine and I’m trying to stay sober to see some of them realized in Wolverine #1. Emphasis on trying.

Wolverine’s first major act in this new life without his healing factor is actually somewhat jarring. At the end of Wolverine #12, he flat out said “The Wolverine is dead.” Yet he starts Wolverine #1 as if he blacked out when he said that because he’s back to slicing up killer robots and taking shots that would shatter Chuck Norris’s ribcage. What the fuck happened? Did I go on a cocaine bender in Costa Rica again and miss a whole Wolverine mini-series? Sadly, I didn’t. Wolverine is back in action thanks to a kick-ass new battle suit that is made to look exactly like his old uniform. It’s not an Iron Man rip-off. Tony Stark’s lawyers stop jerking off at the prospects of suing the Jean Grey Institute. All it does is allow him to keep being Wolverine.

Now I’m perfectly okay with this. I want Wolverine to keep being Wolverine. But he’s already back in action after saying outright “The Wolverine is dead?” I still feel like I got blacked out drunk and missed the part where he said, “Fuck that, I’m just getting a kick-ass new uniform.” Also, he’s now working with a small team that isn’t the X-men who appear to be helping him. I’m a bit too drunk right now to identify them, but it still feels just as jarring and I wouldn’t mind an explanation for when I sober up.

His teammates include such creatively named figures like Lost Boy, Pinch, and Fuel. That sounds like a sex toy when said a certain way, but for whatever reason they’re helping Wolverine break in his new suit. In the process Wolverine also has to deal with some of the more cumbersome aspects of this new way of operating. Now that he’s relying on a suit to keep his ass durable, he needs to fuel it. And that’s what Fuel helps him with. The fact that she happens to be a pretty girl is just a bonus. It allows Wolverine to cop a feel so I guess that’s refreshing in some respects. Wolverine just wouldn’t be Wolverine if he didn’t get to fool around with pretty girls. To take that away from him would be like making James Bond a Mormon.

And it’s also just as refreshing to see that this suit still allows Wolverine to be the best he is at what he does. His mission isn’t exactly clear, but it involves killer robots and armed faceless guards trying to shoot him. Since this is the beginning of a new volume of Wolverine, it just wouldn’t be right if he didn’t get to sink his claws into something that exploded. It makes for some appropriately visceral action. However, it would be a lot more exciting if there was some context. I’m not sure if this is an actual mission or if this is just how Wolverine chooses to spend his Monday mornings. I still think it’s healthier waking up hung over and getting a coffee enema.

There is at least some effort given to providing that context. As Wolverine and these three new friends of his that few will give half a fuck about, a typical mysterious nobody that people will give even fewer fucks about is watching the whole thing like a pervert hiding in Scarlet Johanssen’s closet. He calls himself “The Offer.” It sounds like the name of a secret whore house in Texas, but it sends the necessary message. He’s the guy who apparently gave Wolverine this new armor of his. I guess Wolverine must have stolen Tony Stark’s imported cognac because I’m pretty sure he would have given him some armor just for something to do in between three-ways with Playboy centerfolds. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but it does mean he has Wolverine on his payroll and that’s intriguing for some people. I guess these are the same people that never saw the body count he left with Weapon X.

Now as little sense as this makes in the grand scheme of things, it is at least consistent with Wolverine traditions. Someone is always trying to use him and exploit him. He’s like a drug-addict stripper that can’t seem to get her shit to get her shit together. It’s different in some respects because now Wolverine needs help from someone to keep being the Wolverine he has always been. What makes it bullshit is that it still directly contradicts the whole “The Wolverine is dead” speech and ignores that he has some very smart allies that would probably do this without screwing him over. I guess Wolverine’s only reason would be “Now where’s the fun in that?”

Speaking of his allies, Wolverine does attempt to explain himself in a flashback with Storm. They’re just out having a drink at a bar, discussing how fucked up things will be now that he’s killable. His explanation for his words basically amounted to “I was being melodramatic and was probably fucked up on pain killers.” It’s as unsatisfying as it sounds, unless those pain killers were provided along with the comic. Yet being the man she is currently boning, Storm expresses sincere concern for him. She’s the one that urges him to try something like armor, if only to protect the future he still has. So at least that idea didn’t come from nowhere.

It’s a nice scene that highlights the continued interaction between Storm and Wolverine, which really took on a new kind of drama during the Killable arc. But it was somewhat lacking of emotional resonance. Wolverine’s flip-flopping on “The Wolverine is dead” really kills the sense of drama. And even when he entertains the idea of growing old and needing boner pills to get it up, it just rings hollow. For a guy who now has to find a whole new way to be the best he is at what he does, that’s pretty fucking underhanded.

That’s not to say that Wolverine doesn’t take it seriously. Since Storm is letting him see her naked on a regular basis, he does apparently commit himself to learning new ways to be Wolverine. That involves getting help from some of his allies, but not someone like Tony Stark who can build a pretty damn good suit of armor, unless he tries to use it to shoot cosmic forces. He catches up with Black Widow, someone I’m sure he has seen naked at some point as well. And she helps him re-connect with the joys of shooting a gun. Even though he still has adamantium claws, it couldn’t hurt to diversify his killing skills. That or he just wants to cop a sympathy feel from Black Widow. Nobody would blame him if he did. It doesn’t look like much comes of this at first, but Wolverine does show that he can get the job done with more than just his claws. It’s called multi-tasking and it’s not just some bullshit that bosses in offices make up.

Back in the present, Wolverine’s new suit of armor gets its first major test. The mission was apparently to free some random Hand ninja. Considering how many Hand ninjas Wolverine has killed over the years, I get the sense that’s like sending Pat Robertson to save Richard Dawkins from falling off a cliff. Yet his new armor is able to withstand the rigors and he manages to escape with the Ninja and his team. In the process it reveals that this test run for his armor took place in space aboard some big ass space station. That’s like taking a brand new car to a demolition derby and winning.

But when they get back to Earth, they don’t immediately go and celebrate with a cold beer and a joint. The man who gave Wolverine his suit, The Offer, had been showing off his new skills to a prospective business partner that claimed to have ties to Sabretooth. However, The Offer seems to think that dealing with one former living weapon is troubling enough. So he stops treating him like a banking lobbyist at a congressional fund raiser and more like some asshole that tried to cop a feel from a stripper at a strip club. He finds out that the man isn’t really in league with Sabretooth. He’s a reporter for the Daily Bugle, the same paper that likes to shit on Spider-Man and spit on mutants. So this will not end well for him.

And it doesn’t. As soon as The Offer informs Wolverine, he takes care of it the same way Ted Nugant takes care of squirrels on his lawn. He shoots him in the fucking head. It’s bloody and gratuitous, but it’s fucking Wolverine. Anything else would just be an insult to his character. It seems to give the message that Wolverine is no longer going to rely on his claws. He’s okay with using a gun and a suit of armor. It’s acceptable, but it still lacks impact and a sense of logical progression. In the end I’m still left scratching my head at how he can go from “The Wolverine is dead” to “I’ll just shoot motherfuckers instead of stab them.”

So I guess we can say that whole "The Wolverine is dead" mantra was bullshit. He’s not dead. He’s just finding a new way to be Wolverine. And so what if it rips off Tony Stark? That brainy pussy hound can stand to let someone borrow his ideas and unless he has friends in the RIAA, Wolverine should be allowed to keep being the best he is at what he does. This issue proved that he could still do that, although now he’ll need help from a gun. While I’m sure this brings tears of joy to the Ted Nugant’s of the world, this transformation to this new Wolverine is still poorly refined and poorly detailed. We don’t get a sense of just how the fuck he ended up with The Offer and his buddies or how losing his healing has affected his relationships with the rest of the X-men. It’s like I got so stoned that I missed an issue in between, but I managed to sober up long enough to confirm that this was not the case. And since Wolverine #1 forced me to sober up to confirm that it was as disconnected as I thought, I can only give it a 5 out of 10. It still has Wolverine being the kind of badass that will shoot a guy in the head and gain the same satisfaction as Jack Bauer and John McClane. It just does a piss poor job of showing how he got to this point. Nuff said!

The Wolverine Trailer (And Why Movie Wolverine Is A Total Pussy)

It happened again today. Another trailer for another upcoming X-men movie came out. For me, that means one of two things. First, it means the executives at Fox are low on money for blow and hookers. Second, it means I need to stock up on hard liquor, weed, and Valium because every bit of news regarding X-men movies has made me want to shove C4 up my urethra, swallow several sticks of dynamite, and jump into a live volcano. But this is a blog about X-men and I wouldn't be a very responsible drunk of I didn't do a post about it.

First off, we already know what to expect with The Wolverine. If you've seen Batman Begins, you're not missing anything. Wolverine has suffered a huge loss, he's gone emo, he ditches the world he knows to find meaning, and ends up getting help from some stereotypical Asian guys. But unlike Batman, Wolverine does it in a way that somehow makes one of the most badass characters in the history of Marvel comics into a total pussy.

Let me start off by saying that I know I'm in the minority here. I am among those few X-men fans who absolutely hates the X-men movies. And I'm not just talking about Brett fucking Ratner or fucking Barakapool. I fucking hate Bryan Singer's movies. Yes, I know his movies paved the way for comic book movies everywhere. I know he's regularly praised for his brilliance and I do concede that he's done some great shit. I will gladly kiss his ass for the rest of my days for The Usual Suspects and House. But he's a fucking dipshit when it comes to comic book movies and he took X-men and butt-fucked it to a a point where the only good X-men movie we can get is X-men First Class, a movie that he was never involved in and didn't use his precious Wolverine.

This trailer in many ways highlights why Singer's X-men movies suck donkey balls and why there's no reason to hope that Days of Futures Past will be any better. First off, let's look at movie Wolverine and compare him to his comic counterpart. In the movies Wolverine meets up with the X-men, makes friends with Rogue, flirts with Jean, but then ditches the team at the end of the first movie. He comes back in the second movie, basically does jack shit aside from throw temper tantrums, tries to bone Jean Grey again, and basically distracts from every single side-plot. And in X3, he's supposed to now be teaching the team. He tries to bone Jean Grey again, but only ends up having to murder her ass and fails to keep Cyclops and Xavier from getting killed. And what does he do after all this tragedy? Well according to this trailer and the other trailer, he fucking leaves!

That's right. At a time when the X-men have lost Charles Xavier and two of the most capable X-men, he fucking up and leaves! And why? Because he's still pining for Jean Grey? Well here's one major detail that separates his boner for Jean in the movies compared to the comics. He knew Jean Grey for only a few days. I need to emphasize this. HE KNEW JEAN GREY FOR ONLY A FEW FUCKING DAYS! He left at the end of X1. She died at the end of X2 shortly after he returned. And she returned in X3 just so he could kill her. Yet somehow she's now the love of his fucking life? Never mind that they never got to hook up in the comics outside of AUs and never mind that she fucking married Cyclops, who was basically killed off to make room for Wolverine. How the fuck is Jean suddenly this epic love affair with Wolverine when he didn't even know the first thing about her? I mean look at X1 and X2. He had more screen time with Rogue than he did with Jean and now in this trailer he's having a vision of her? That's the kind of shit we expect from Edward Cullen. Not Wolverine.

On top of that, I need to reiterate something else. He fucking ditched the X-men at the end of X3! They are probably hurting a great deal after so many deaths, but he doesn't see fit to stick around and help? He just goes all emo and runs off to Japan? Since when the fuck did Wolverine, the badass hero who was supposed to have a sense of honor, get so sensitive that he just ditches a bunch of young mutants who need him badly because of some woman he barely fucking knew?! That's not badass. That's not just a dick move either. That's just being a flat out pissant little bitch!

Compare that with recent events in the comics. Professor Charles Xavier and Jean Grey died too. But in the comics, Wolverine actually stuck around and developed a close personal relationship with both. And when they did die with Jean in Planet X and Xavier in Avengers vs. X-men, he didn't fucking leave. He stayed with the X-men and became a leader even though he knows he's not good at it. Just read his fucking speech in Uncanny Avengers #1. That's fucking Wolverine. If that Wolverine met his movie version and found out that he just ditched the X-men, he wouldn't just murder his ass. He would piss on the remains.

Don't get me wrong. I love Hugh Jackman. I love Femke Jenssen. But the characters they played were fucked. Wolverine was a total fucking pussy. And Jean Grey in the movies was nothing more than a walking dick warmer for Wolverine that he never got to try out. And yet we're somehow supposed to respect him as this badass? I would respect a fucking Kardashian before I respect someone like that!

And I do blame Bryan Singer. He's the one who got the ball rolling on this shitty incarnation of Wolverine. He's the one who basically turned the X-men movies into glorified Wolverine movies and nothing more. And now he's the one trying to turn another epic X-men story, Days of Futures Past, into a movie. I have absolutely no confidence in him, nor do I have confidence in the future of X-men movies. I believe the only way this could ever be fixed is if Days of Futures Past becomes to X-men what Batman and Robin was to Batman movies. Bryan Singer needs to become the new Joel Shumacher so that he will never be allowed to touch another X-men movie, or comic book movie, until the end of time. He's already bombed on Jack the Giant Killer. Just one more bomb and he can be done with this shit so someone else can take over. At this point, I would give Joel Shumacher another shot at directing a comic book movie than I would Bryan Singer.

I get that this drunken rant is just that. A rant. I also know that Byran Singer is never going to read this shit and neither is Hugh Jackman or anyone at Fox. But I'm just putting it out there. Singer's X-men movies suck! His Wolverine sucks! His Jean Grey sucks! And this movie and Days of Futures Past is destined to suck if he keeps doing the same shit. And until that changes, I have no hope that we can ever have a decent X-men movie in the way. Instead, we're only going to be stuck with shit like this.

Nuff said!

Wolverine Trailer - Blood, Babes, and Ninjas

I have a love-hate relationship with the X-men movies and by that I mean I love it when I'm not reminded of how much I hated how these movies were butchered. Of all the comic book movies and yes, I'm including the Dolph Lungern Punisher and Nicholas Cage's Ghost Rider, I found the X-men movies to be the most disappointing. It's one thing to be underwhelmed by a movie. It's quite another to feel like you just had a quart of molten iron shoved up your ass. That's how I feel about the X-men movies.

And I'm not just talking about X3 and Wolverine "Who the fuck came up with Barakapool?" Origins. It's blasphemy among some fans, but I think Singer fucked the dead donkey with his approach to X1 and X2. His approach was basically fuck the comics. Just make use the characters and try to leech off the inherent awesome of Patrick Stewart and Hugh Jackman. As much as I love those two, that shit only goes so far in a movie. You actually have to have a fucking story and unless your Michael Bay, that story has to have some sort of meaning to it. The X-men movies didn't really have that. Wolverine just falls in love with some chick he knows for less than a few days, Nightcrawler completely fucking disappears after one movie, and Rogue proves that you can solve all your problems with drugs. Real fucking genuine, Singer! Maybe you should piss off Spider-Man fans by having Doc Ock take over Peter's body! Oh wait...bad example.

But like a guy who keeps waking up hung over at an S&M club in Amsterdam, I keep coming back for more. Matthew Vaughn's X-men First Class actually proved that an X-men movie can still work. It took a novel approach of actually telling a story that the comics never even bothered to tell until recently, namely the history of the friendship between Xavier and Magneto. It still had some pretty fucked up twists on certain characters, but it also had Emma Frost and a naked Mystique so that's a win in my book. Now Fox hopes to capture that same magic with The Wolverine.

Granted, the bar is NOT that high. You could just have two hours of Hugh Jackman taking a shit and eating a burger and it would still be better than fucking Barakapool. It's based on one of the best eras of Wolverine comics, namely the Chis Claremont and Frank Miller run in the 80s that had Wolverine in Japan. It's a defining story for Wolverine and one that has everything you could want in a movie. There's ninjas, hot chicks, and more violence than a drunk Chris Brown at a strip club. It also has Hugh fucking Jackman. This movie has no excuse not to be awesome and this trailer shows that if Fox fucks this up somehow, then they're beyond redemption. Nuff said!