Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #20

In my experience, personal vendettas can be more intoxicating than any drug. Even the most hopelessly addicted crackhead has nothing on some pissed off ex-cop father who makes it his life mission to torment the guy who slept with his daughter and convinced her to get a tattoo of Eminem on her ass. It’s an addiction for which there is no overdose or hangover. Succeeding in exacting the desired revenge brings a high that all the blow in Colombia can’t match. And that’s exactly the high that Maria Hill has been seeking in Uncanny X-men. She has convinced herself that arresting Cyclops and throwing him back in jail will somehow give her unlimited orgasms and she has spent much of the relaunched Uncanny X-men chasing his ass, ignoring other global threats and a looming Sentinel conspiracy. I would say she’s obsessed, but I’m a drunk. I’m in no position to judge. But I won’t shy away from criticism as I review Uncanny X-men #20. She has already been wiping her ass with the constitution. The Ron Paul in me just can’t let that go.

And I think it’s safe to say that Ron Paul would be pretty pissed off at the way Maria Hill is flat out ignoring Hijack’s constitutional rights. To be fair, Hijack deserves to have his balls busted to some extent. This is a guy who clearly didn’t listen to Edward Snowden when he flat out told the world that the government listened to every fucking phone call that everyone made, from telemarketers to phone sex. So when he made a call to Cyclops begging to come back, he might as well have invited Maria Hill to storm his room and interrogate his ass. At least this time she didn’t detain him like she did Goldballs. She just barks orders and bitches at him in an effort to extract Cyclops’s location, which he clearly doesn’t know. It doesn’t work, but lucky for him that Sentinel attack from the previous issue gets SHIELD’s attention. So they leave Hijack in peace, alone in his room. It’s not much of an improvement from what they did to Goldballs, but for a government operation I’ll take it. If only Congress were this efficient at improvement.

Maria Hill returns to the Hellicarrier, practically foaming at the mouth over the possibility of arresting Cyclops. She’s probably even hoping that the Sentinel attack softened them up. If she’s expecting that, then clearly she’s being overly optimistic. Cyclops is capable of being destroyed by many things. A killer robot isn’t one of them. A pissed off psychic ex-girlfriend? Maybe. But certainly not a killer robot. She talks about how Cyclops is a brilliant strategist who thinks 10 steps ahead of everyone else. And she’s right. Cyclops is that good. He led the entire mutant race for a while, beat Norman Osborn, and found time to satisfy Emma Frost in between. He’s pretty damn formidable and Maria Hill knows it. She thinks she can get the jump on him this time. I also once thought I could get out of a speeding ticket by doing a striptease to a female cop. It sounds like a good idea on paper, but not so much in practice.

Maria Hill doesn’t even get a chance to get one step ahead of Cyclops. Hell, she doesn’t even get half a step. Cyclops hits her with a psychic attack, courtesy of the Stepford Cuckoos. They effectively cut her off from her rage boner and give them a chance to have a little chat where she’s not in a position to do some Dick Cheney style interrogations. Cyclops just wants to know if SHIELD is responsible for the Sentinel attacks. The Cuckoos reveal that Maria Hill isn’t the one pulling the trigger. But Cyclops still considers her responsible because this shit is happening on her watch. She has all of SHIELD’s resources at her disposal and she’s not doing jack shit to stop innocent mutants from being attacked. That makes her at least partially responsible in Cyclops’s book. Plus, there’s still that issue of all those Sentinels that SHIELD had been hiding during X-men Battle of the Atom. Kind of hard to give her the benefit of the doubt.

But that’s not the only thing that the Stepford Cuckoos revealed. It would have been enough to just confirm that Maria Hill wasn’t the one behind the Sentinel attacks and that she’s still not entirely sure what the fuck is going on in her bloated government organization. The Cuckoos also reveal that Maria Hill is actually attracted to Cyclops. I honestly thought I was too stoned when I read this. But it’s really there. Maria Hill actually gets all warm and tingly between her legs when she thinks of this outlaw fugitive revolutionary. I don’t know why, but something about that makes me smile and gives me a boner. I don’t think I should be too surprised though. Cyclops is a man who has successfully satisfied both Jean Grey and Emma Frost. The power of his penis is undeniable. Why shouldn’t Maria Hill be drawn to it? I’m not a woman so I can’t offer a valid reason. I can only hope that when she gets him alone in a room with handcuffs and no cameras, some wonderfully pornographic things happen.

Cyclops, to his credit, doesn’t immediately resort to the power of his penis to get what he wants. He’s not without manners I guess, which after dating Emma Frost is saying something. He remains only partially convinced that Maria Hill isn’t involved. He works under the assumption that SHIELD is sophisticated enough to equip sensitive minds with psychic shielding and false thoughts. It’s not as paranoid as it sounds. But he leaves Maria Hill another step or so behind them by having the Stepford Cuckoos make everyone on the deck take a quick psychic nap. It’s not a terrible dick move. There are way worse things he could have done. But it does work. And it’s probably for the better too. Her panties are probably soaked at this point.

As nice as it is seeing Cyclops pwn Maria Hill and make her horny at the same time, there are other forces involved in this conflict that have fallen to the wayside in recent issues. A while back, Magneto took a brief trip to Madripoor and learned that Mystique and Sabretooth had set up shop. They essentially turned this outpost of decadence and vice into an all-mutant community, even using MGH to turn the resident humans into mutants. Magneto didn’t buy into it. In fact, he nearly blew their asses up. But that incident, which helped launch Magneto’s solo series, also revealed what happened to Dazzler after Mystique took her place. It would have been effective enough to just put her in a coma and lock her in a cell. But unlike Cyclops, Mystique has to go the extra mile when it comes to dick moves.

Magneto may have bailed, but Madripoor is still thriving under Mystique’s “mutants only” rule. We also find out that Blob, who was one of the many mutants who lost his powers after House of M, only got his powers back through MGH. And when he goes to get more, he finds out that the source of MGH is coming directly from Dazzler. By Mystique’s logic, this bitch betrayed mutant kind by rubbing shoulders with SHIELD. Putting her in a coma and using her to make MGH is probably the most merciful thing she could do. But Blob doesn’t just seem interested in getting more MGH and his eyes look like Bob Marley’s after spending three days in Amsterdam. It’s hard to really make out what’s going on in this scene. Maybe it’s just because I’m not sober, but he doesn’t seem entirely okay with keeping a pretty blond in a coma. I’m pretty sure this is how some illegal German pornos begin. Not much is revealed or hinted at, which makes this scene even more confusing. It leaves perverse minds like mine to make some pretty fucked up conclusions. I want to say I know where this will lead. I’m just afraid my dick will hate me if I’m wrong.

Beyond catching up with the Madripoor story that’s unfolding, Mystique rejoins SHIELD as Dazzler. It’s the first time in a while that this plot and the Sentinel plot are coming together. Those connections help make Uncanny X-men feel cohesive again, which is refreshing since recent issues gave the impression that it was like a drunk stumbling through a dark room covered in Legos while barefoot. I get that there are a lot of different themes to cover, but bringing the Madripoor story and the Sentinel story into the same narrative is more overdue than Wesley Snipes’ back taxes.

That new cohesion doesn’t mean that SHIELD is gaining any credibility. While Maria Hill might not be the ones orchestrating the Sentinel attacks, she is hoarding Sentinel hardware the same way Hugh Hefner hoards hot blondes. That doesn’t really lend much to her credibility. It also doesn’t help that she looks at these attacks the same way Oliver Stone looks at the JFK assassination. She thinks it’s a conspiracy by Magneto to start a mutant war. It’s only slightly more reasonable than the theory that lizard people conspired to kill JFK. But at least she’s trying.

For Cyclops, he hasn’t resorted to seducing Maria Hill just yet, although I’m sure it’s one of his backup plans. Once back at the New Xavier School, he breaks down the Sentinel attacks and comes to a very important conclusion. They’re not just attacks. They’re reconnaissance, attempting to break them down and uncover their weaknesses. Why else would they send killer robots that the X-men have spent years destroying? It’s way too smart and competent for a government organization like SHIELD. He also suspects that they’re using something akin to Cerebro to attract them. It’s the only way they could stay a step ahead of them.

It’s perfectly logical. It also has the benefit of narrowing down the assholes involved considerably. The amount of people who know how to build, let alone utilize, a device like Cerebro is shorter than the list of those who’ve seen Queen Elizabeth naked. Charles Xavier and Magneto worked together to build it. Guys like Tony Stark have the hardware to put it together. But since he’s easily distracted by naked alien women (and who can blame him?) they cross him off the list. That leaves the big furry douche himself, Hank McCoy. After reviewing All New X-men #25, I did so much Beast bashing that I don’t think I have the energy to restate all the reasons why he’s a total fucking asshole. I’ll only say that I can definitely see him unleashing Sentinels and putting innocent mutants at risk just to piss off Cyclops.

Cyclops has no problem envisioning this too so he takes Magik and teleports to the Jean Grey Institute for a little chat. Again, Cyclops is about as welcome as a bed bug infestation. He doesn’t attack them or anything. He just demands to speak with Beast. It’s understandably tense, but this is shit we’ve seen on multiple occasions now. Cyclops shows up, everyone at the Jean Grey Institute gets pissed, and Cyclops leaves with his balls a little bigger. It’s starting to get old, but there is more than just pwnage to address this time. Both schools have an interest in finding out who the hell is throwing Sentinels at them like spam emails for cheap Viagra. And since Beast has shown he’s more than capable of fucking up the timeline, Cyclops just needs to make sure he’s not fucking up more than that.

That’s when another plot that has been abandoned for the past few issues comes into play. This time it’s Cyclops’s broken powers. Unlike the Dazzler plot, it hasn’t been explained or been made interesting for that matter. Readers only have so many fucks to give about plots that began 20 issues ago and this is one of them that’s running dangerously low. But it does have quite an impact when Cyclops’s powers flare up and start going off in a way I’m sure the Jean Grey Institute is used to by now. In addition, it also alerts Maria Hill and SHIELD that he’s out in the open again. So once again, he’s basically fucked himself over. He’ll need to find a way to make his balls even bigger to get himself out of this shit.

Whatever hole Edward Snowden is hiding, I hope he manages to slip out long enough to read this comic. I think it would put a smile on his face. On the day after tax day when the government conducts its annual fiscal sodomy on its citizens, I can’t think of a more appropriate comic to enjoy. I know that SHIELD is not the IRS, but I suspect SHIELD is what the IRS wishes it could be in their dirtiest of dreams that don’t involve a Kardashian. So when Cyclops still finds a way to piss off Maria Hill while making her wet in the panties, I just can’t help but love it. I don’t mean to sound too anti-government. I know I’m probably pissing off everyone in the NSA. But after dutifully paying my taxes, I think I’ve earned right to tell them to fuck off, at least for one day and Uncanny X-men #20 just makes it more satisfying. That’s why I give it a 9 out of 10. If only Cyclops’s randomly volatile optic blasts were pointed at IRS or the Federal Reserve. It might not undo his crimes, but it’ll probably make Maria Hill want to bone him even more. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #20 - The Awesome Is NOT Over

Not too long ago, I poured my heart and soul into a review of Uncanny X-men #544. That issue was the final issue of Uncanny x-men before a relaunch. That shit was a big fucking deal because Uncanny X-men had been one of those series that had been coming out in some form or another since the days when Jack Kennedy was bending Marilyn Munroe over a sink so she could help him solve the other missile crisis in his pants. It was a powerful, emotional issue that took place in wake of an awesome event in Schism where the X-men were divided. Some left. Some stayed. It send a message that the world of Uncanny X-men was forever different and there was no going back. I got so emotional writing that review that I got drunk, cried like a baby, and called up one of my ex-girlfriend to vent my feelings. It ended up with some awesome pity sex so for that I deemed the end of Uncanny X-men fitting and appropriate.

Fast forward less than two years. I still have enough brain cells to remember that review and that issue. In that time I reviewed every issue of the relaunched Uncanny X-men and for the most part, it was a joy that led to more drunken rants and more pity sex. But now it's ending yet again. Uncanny X-men is having yet another final issue, stopping after just 20 issues to make way for All New X-men. It sure as hell isn't much time to develop a history. Hell, this shit was all written during the same presidential term and I'm shocked nobody in Congress blamed Barack Obama for what happened to the X-men after Schism. But the powers that be at Marvel have seen that fanboys and consumers are stupid enough to buy extra copies of any issue with a #1 on the cover so they'll take any excuse to relaunch a book. It may take away from the impact, but fuck if it doesn't make great business sense.

The relaunch of Uncanny X-men may not have been long, but it had some pretty awesome moments. And some of those moments actually took place in the major tie-ins with Avengers vs. X-men, a shitty event that stunk up various X-men and Avengers comics over the course of six months. Uncanny X-men under Kieron Gillen's brilliant pen found a way to shine through the shitty smell. But now that Avengers vs. X-men is over, it's left to follow deal with the aftermath like so many other books. And it also has to close out its series yet again to make way for a new series that Marvel knows will boost sales because we consumers are just that stupid. I can be as cynical as I want, but the fact remains that shit works and Marvel is a business last I checked. You tend to do shit that works and makes you money. All that blow and strippers don't pay for themselves.

But thanks to Gillen's pedigree and past experience with closing out Uncanny X-men, there's plenty of reason to have hope and I'm not referring to the bitchy rip-off character either. Moreover, this is Kieron Gillen's last take on this title before Brian Michael Bendis takes over and Gillen heads over to write the Iron Man series. It's basically exchanging getting regularly reviewed by a drunk to writing a drunk. I feel both honored and used, making it all the more important that this review count! Mr. Gillen, if you're reading this, consider this my last drunken hurrah!

Uncanny X-men #20 focuses on three general plots. It shows Cyclops in jail (before he gets fitted with that fancy power-suppressing headgear we saw in Avengers vs. X-men Consequences), Danger paying a visit to Unit in the brig of a now defunct Utopia, and Colossus sitting in the ruins of one of the Phoenix Five's world-hunger beating greenhouses. It's not exactly the kind of shit you expect to focus on for what's supposed to be another final issue of Uncanny X-men. Granted, these are all plots that Kieron Gillen has dealt with in his run, but it's still leaving out some pretty significant details like Emma Frost, Namor, Magneto, Storm, Psylocke, and how hot the psychic sex between Emma and Namor was when they humped during the siege of Wakanda. Okay, maybe that last part was just my on perverse curiosity, but you get the idea. Gillen only focuses on so much with this issue, but as he's shown many times throughout his Uncanny X-men tenure he knows how to make each drop of ink count.

The first issue he addresses is the most pressing issue for the extinction team. Cyclops, the guy who put this ominously named team of X-men together, is now in jail for crimes against humanity and/or creating a global utopia. I still don't know when that became a crime, but I've given up trying to figure that out. This takes place before Avengers vs. X-men Consequences so it allows Cyclops to get a quick visit from Kate Kildare, who earlier in Kieron Gillen's run became the X-men's official PR rep. It was an impossible job, akin to head of tourism for Iraq. But she made it work to some extent. Now she visits Cyclops to inform him that he now is viewed in the same mold as Dr. Doom. Going Dark Phoenix will do that to a guy's rep, even though he tried to help the world in a way Doom could never be bothered with. But she didn't just visit to tell him how screwed he is. That would make too much sense. Gillen throws a major twist into this little story and one that involves the kind of gender bending you won't find outside a gay bar in San Francisco.

It turns out that Kate Kildare isn't exactly Kate Kildare. She's Sinister. As in, the same Sinister who made himself an entire species and tried to control the Phoenix Five during Avengers vs. X-men. That little stunt got him and his own little mock-up of Victorian style England burnt to a crisp by cosmic flame. But if a guy is smart enough to make himself into his own fucking species, he's smart enough to have a backup plan. Well that plan involved taking the form of the X-men's PR rep, boobs and all. It's not just shocking. It's surprisingly logical for a guy who has taken on a woman's body before and somehow made it sexy.

A slightly less shocking twist involves Danger and Unit, the walking dick-joke who was the subject of Kieron Gillen's recent Uncanny arc that led into Avengers vs. X-men. Since then, Unit has been secretly controlling Danger in the same way oil companies control the Department of Energy. Danger clearly isn't okay with this, especially since she's actually responsible for managing all the X-men's prisoners, Unit included. But now that the Extinction Team are fugitives and Utopia is just a tourist attraction for tourists who are amazingly cheap, there's no reason for Unit to be there anymore. So he basically taunts Danger, saying he's leaving and she can't do jack shit about it. But before he leaves, he will release her from his control and the control she's endured for much of her existence. On the surface, it sounds like a gift. But somehow Unit manages to make it sound like a final fuck you.

Unit certainly interprets it as such. After Unit causes her to shut down just long enough to escape, never revealing his true plan in the process, Danger awakens and is understandably pissed. So like one of Donald Trump's ex-wives that was stupid enough to sign a pre-nup, she goes off on an angry rampage worthy of any creature that bears boobs of any kind. She's effectively free and the first thing she does with that freedom is open all the cells in the brig to release the prisoners. That's certainly not what most people would do with newfround freedom. Usually a fresh cheeseburger, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a hooker is the perfect epitome of freedom. But I guess freeing prisoners works. It doesn't just show how pissed Danger is. It shows how fucked up she can be now that she's free. I'm not sure what kind of stories this will lead to, but I'm pretty sure it's going to make for more shitty mutant PR.

Someone else who has a good reason to be pissed off is Colossus. This is another plot that Gillen has been developing for much of his run. During Fear Itself, Colossus refused to believe that his little sister, Magik, had turned into the kind of demon seed that in the real world would earn her a reality show on Bravo. So he sacrificed himself to the Cytorrak so that he could become the new Juggernaut. It cost him his girlfriend, his humanity, and his ability to look human outside a Raiders game. Yet he did it because that's just the kind of guy his is. Well Magik revealed during Avengers vs. X-men that she gave about as many fucks about his sacrifice as Rick Santorum gives about gay rights. She basically tells him she knew he would be fucked up by Cytorakk and just sat back, laughed her as off, and watched Colossus make an ass of himself. Now that he's also a wanted fugitive, he finally snaps and attacks his little sister. In any other circumstance, a guy beating up his little sister would be horrifying. When said little sister takes the fight to Limbo and openly taunts her brother, even the most ardent feminazi would root for Colossus.

In the end, Gillen throws yet another twist into the mix. While in Limbo, Magik reveals that she had the ability to remove the Cytorrak curse on him all along. That means he could still be swapping body fluids with Kitty Pryde, but she just couldn't be bothered to help him. She proves her point by actually doing it and then basically telling him she wanted to teach him a lesson. That lesson was simply to not sacrifice himself to someone who has since lost their fucking mind and that the little sister he once knew is as dead as Todd Akin's credibility. It all boils down to her not deserving his sacrifice and this is what she went through to prove her point. It's excessive, wasteful, and cruel. That kind of shit will get you promoted at Halliburton, but it isn't a very effective teaching tool.

This marks a pretty powerful moment for these two characters. For quite some time, Colossus has been a dedicated brother to his little sister. It's been one of the defining features of his character. But this scene essentially shatters that dynamic. Magik is not his sweet, innocent sister anymore. She's a demon seed who is beyond saving and she doesn't give a damn about it. On some levels, it's a metaphor for a little girl that was once so sweet, but then she discovered that she could manipulate men by wearing thongs and giving out blowjobs at the mall. In essence, she's not innocent anymore. Now we already knew that about Magik. Any reader that thought she could still be saved is high on something you can't get outside a Mexican pharmacy. But Colossus didn't realize it and the fact he has definitely leaves a solid impact.

The impact of Sinister's little revelation is just as potent, albeit less flashy. He spends some time essentially mocking Cyclops, explaining the failsafe he implemented while hatching his little let's-see-how-much-I-can-control-the-Phoenix-without-getting-burned plot. Before his Victorian kingdom got scorched, he paid a visit to Kate Kildare and did to her what Ted Nugant does to wounded deer. He then took her place, but made it so his persona was locked away in a manner that was undetectable even to the Phoenix. Once the Phoenix torched his kingdom, that persona activated. It wasn't just for his own survival. Sinister is also a man/woman who loves to just mock his enemies when they're utterly fucked. So even though his crimes and bullshit are too long to list, Cyclops is the one in jail. Paying him a visit just rubs it in his face in a way that has to be more satisfying than three way at the Playboy Mansion on Christmas.

In the end, Sinister sums things up nicely for Cyclops and for Kieron Gillen's run. Cyclops went to great lengths to protect mutants and ensure the survival of his race. Yet in the end, he lost everything. The world hates him, his friends hate him, and he's in jail. He won the battle, but Sinister is still free and in a new body with a nice set of boobs to play with. On a great many levels, that's a victory. He also indicates that he's got plans beyond playing with his new boobs. He doesn't give any clue as to what those plans are and that's a pretty glaring omission in a book that focuses on only a select number of details yet is still supposed to close out a series. Cyclops gets the message, but in the end it really doesn't have much impact. Of course it isn't over. Of course Sinister isn't going to cease his bullshit. Does yet another final issue of Uncanny X-men need to spell that out? I say no. Fans could have easily assumed Sinister survived in some way and found a way to give himself boobs. It's an unceremonious way for Gillen to end his run, but it gets the message across at the very least.

When Kieron Gillen first ended an era of Uncanny X-men, he had a pretty tall order. He had to wrap up decades of material in a way that both satisfying and appropriate to justify a relaunch. Against odds that would make a Las Vegas bookie cum in his pants, Gillen succeeded. But the odds for making the ending for this series after a mere 20 issues left bookies everywhere with relatively unstained underwear. There was clearly a conscious effort on Gillen's part to tie up a number of loose ends that he had been developing from his Uncanny X-men run. He managed to resolve a couple, but others were left untouched. Emma Frost didn't show up. Namor never showed up. Magneto and Storm didn't show up. They weren't even mentioned. So even though Gillen did an admirable job resolving the plots that he addressed, it still left the book feeling rather incomplete.

Even so, the book was still satisfying on some levels. It effectively filled a particular gap between Avengers vs. X-men #12 and Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1. It also effectively resolved the Magik/Colossus conflict with an emotional yet devious resolution that should make anyone who ever had nasty siblings feel a bit better about their situation. It also threw in a fairly satisfying twist with Kate Kildare turning out to be Mr/Mrs. Sinister, but offered little in terms of implications. The scene with Danger and Unit was a bit less satisfying, but it got the job done. It still didn't address the future of Utopia, the Extinction Team, or the bigger picture Gillen had established in Uncanny. You get the sense that he just ran out of ink, but he did well with what he had to work with as he so often does.

In the end, the issue itself feels incomplete. It doesn't have the same feeling as Uncanny X-men #544, not by a long shot. The end does offer some sense of a new beginning that makes a relaunch for All New X-men marginally understandable. However, it lacks the definitive feel that Gillen so effectively established previously. It will raise an eyebrow, but it won't induce any boners. It will spark some curiosity for All New X-men and Avengers vs. X-men Consequences, but it won't make readers foam at the mouth in anticipation for what comes next. It's just a solid comic that doesn't have the feel of a comic that should cap off yet another volume of Uncanny X-men. As such, I give Uncanny X-men #20 a 3.5 out of 5.

I sincerely wish I could give Kieron Gillen's last Uncanny X-men book a perfect score. Hell, if I had to score Kieron Gillen's entire run on Uncanny X-men, I would give it an unequivocal 5 out of 5. Coming off what Matt Fraction established, Gillen took Uncanny X-men to a level of quality it hadn't seen since the days of Chris Claremont. I can honestly say that I haven't been more satisfied with an Uncanny X-men run in over a decade. It's hard to believe that this series was once a level below used toilet paper during Chuck Austin's run. Kieron Gillen didn't just make Uncanny X-men awesome again. He made every issue and every arc his own event. It was awesome enough to make readers become sexually aroused by any British accent under any circumstances. Now that Kieron Gillen is moving on to Iron Man, I bid him a fond farewell with a heavy heart and fresh bottle of tequila. Thank you for so much awesome, Mr. Gillen! You will be missed by the fans of Uncanny X-men! If our paths should ever cross, I owe you several rounds and two lap dances from the strippers of your choosing! Nuff said!