X-men Legacy #265 - Bucket List of Awesome

I think everyone should have a bucket list. You have to have some sense of what you want to do before you turn into maggot chow. I have shit like screw the hottest waitress in Los Angeles and smoke a joint on the White House lawn on my list. I'm sure it's no different with fictional characters. They have shit they want to do as well before they die or get rebooted out of existence, whichever comes first. They just never get a chance because let's face it. After you run around in skin-tight outfits waving your superpowered dick in everyone's face, there just isn't a sense of urgency. Well in the pages of X-men Legacy, that urgency is thrust into the picture with the force of a 1000 Sandra Fluke testimonies.

The previous issue of X-men Legacy brought a volatile situation right to the Jean Grey Institute's doorstep, which really is no more unusual than a fire drill considering the shit they've dealt with. Only instead of Exodus looking to flex his nuts, this time it was Weapon Omega and Mimic. They weren't looking to pick a fight, but they ended up doing so anyway because Weapon Omega must have had a bad dose of PCP or something that caused his powers to make him a walking time bomb. After some rather painful handshaking that turned into a schoolyard brawl, the X-men agreed to help Weapon Omega. The plan was simple by comic standards. They were going to have Mimic and Rogue absorb Weapon Omega to drain off his explosive potential. Then in a twist of physics that would make Stephen Hawking cringe (figuratively speaking) they ended up turning one bombastic mutant into three.

X-men Legacy #265 begins by detailing the immediate reaction of Rogue, Mimic, and Weapon Omega. I'm not sure how one is supposed to react when they find out they just became a walking bomb. I'm pretty sure there's an urge to shit your pants or pay an impromtu visit to your ex-girlfriend's house involved. For Beast, it quickly puts him on the spot. Even though he's been an insufferable douche-bag for the past few years, he's still the X-men's resident brainiac and he's the one that has to come up with a solution. It leaves the others to sweat it out. Rogue especially is worked up. Gambit, still showing an insatiable desire to get into her pants, tries to console her. Then Rogue tells Mimic she still has a thing going on with Magneto. I still don't get why she's not over her wrinkly scrotum fetish, but it makes little sense given the context of the situation and the presence of longtime flames like Gambit. I get that Gambit is an ass, but at least he doesn't have white hair on his balls.

While Beast is twiddling his thumbs, Rogue and Mimic are left to panic over how they'll be joining Weapon Omega in becoming a walking Chinese New Year. It leads them to start chatting on a more personal level. Now you would think that just having a casual chat when you've got an hour to live would be stupid, but it makes sense that you would want to keep yourself distracted. If you just keep lamenting over your impending death, you will run out of shit with which to fill your pants. It's actually very well done because it gives both Mimic and Rogue a chance to reflect on how their powers make them feel like meat puppets that act only as mediums for the powers of others. It's probably something they don't give a second thought when they know they're not going to die. In a situation like this, it's nice to have that kind of reflection and Gage depicts it perfectly here.

While reflections are all well and good, there's still plenty of incentive for the X-men to find a way to avoid having to rebuild a sizable chunk of their school (again). The next few scenes go over some failed attempts to eliminate or at least slow down the impending explosion. Gambit tries using his powers. Chamber tries using his. Even Husk gets involved, which is saying a lot since her character gets less attention than Todd Palin. All their efforts are failures. Rogue, Mimic, and Weapon Omega are still ticking time bombs. But hey, at least they're trying. It's not like they're working for the New Orleans Saints and need to use torn ACLs as incentives.

In between these failed attempts, the plot with Rogue and Magneto continues to linger. Now I could go on and on about how fucked that story is and why it should be shot like a deer at Ted Nugent's house, but I'll pop some Xanex and hold off. While Rogue is pondering his wrinkly ass, she has a nice talk with Toad. To this point Toad has been the institute's whipping boy, but it's easy to forget that he was once a member of the Brotherhood. He offers some nice insight to Rogue, explaining how Magneto may be an asshole but he's an asshole you feel safe around. He comes off as an abused dog at times, but he makes a point and gives Rogue something to think about. If it makes her panties wet, well then that's just one less meal we all have to worry about.

Beast and Rachel eventually do come up with a possible solution if you can call it that. It involves putting all three of them into a psychically induced coma. That way their bodies aren't active enough to blow up. In terms of solutions, this is right up there with amputation and cutting meat out of your diet. It's not a life worth living and it's a pretty shitty solution if ever there was once. Again, Beast does little to distract readers from the massive douche-bag he's been in recent years. Naturally, Rogue, Mimic, and Weapon Omega don't agree with that shit. They feel there has to be a better way than a coma. I'm pretty sure if you get a homeless guy drunk at three in the morning, he could come up with a better idea.

Eventually, they do come up with a better idea (resisting the urge to give Beast the finger). Rather than knock themselves into a coma, they propose another power swap. This time they intend to essentially short each other out so to speak. It's like plugging a vibrator into a transformer. It seems like a good idea, but you know it's gonna short something out. Since Beast can't come up with anything else, he allows them to give it a shot and wouldn't you know it? The shit works! Rogue and Mimic are no longer walking time bombs. They no longer have to worry about not living long enough to piss on Dick Cheney's grave. However, their original problem isn't solved. Weapon Omega is still set to blow. So essentially, they're right back to wear they started.

Eventually, Weapon Omega makes the shitty choice to allow someone to put him into a coma. It's not a choice he takes lately and he clearly doesn't like it. But it's a choice that has to be done if he doesn't want to...you know, blow the fuck up. Rachel offers to make it quick, but since Mimic is his friend he offers to copy Rachel's powers and do the deed himself. It's a very dramatic moment between two friends. I'm sure it's a moment that someone out there will turn into slash fanfiction, but in this instance it's more than understandable. These two guys are buddies. It's not a pleasant moment when one of them has to put the other in a coma without a good batch of heroin and Christos Gage captures it perfectly.

When all is said and done, Weapon Omega is effectively neutralized. Beast, probably in an effort to make up for his shitty ideas, contains him in a special stasis tube that looks way too much like a coffin. Now that Weapon Omega's fate is essentially in limbo, it leaves Mimic with some fucked up choices. Rogue, being in a good mood after finding out she's not going to die, consoles Mimic and offers him a shot at the Jean Grey Institute. Since he has nowhere else to go and his buddy is here, it seems like the most fitting place. Plus he doesn't have any gray hairs on his balls so if he can get flirty with Rogue, maybe he can put an end to that bullshit relationship. Besides, Cyclops's Extinction Team has a mimic of their own in Hope. Since Wolverine can't stand the thought of his dick not being as big as Cyclops's, he has to have one too and now they do. And just in time for Avengers vs. X-men no less! I'd call that an bittersweet win if not quite epic.

X-men Legacy has taken on all sorts of tones over it's illustrious history. Going all the way back to Mike Carey's visionary run, this series has been everything from character focused soap opera to a deep space adventure complete with aliens that look like giant pubic lice. A big part of X-men Legacy's appeal is the wide range of awesome it provides. The last arc provided a well-scripted brawl with Exodus. This arc is very different in that it doesn't involve enemies or fighting. It involves a more personal touch. There was some action, but most of it was in the previous issue. This issue had mostly talking, planning, and lamenting over the possibility of blowing up worse than Mel Gibson in a synagog. It wasn't as wildly entertaining as previous issues, but what it lacked in action it made up for with the personal touch.

The biggest strength of this issue was the heart. Mimic and Weapon Omega are buddies. They both didn't ask to become walking time bombs. Mimic wanted desperately to save his friend, but in the end Weapon Omega was willing to make the necessary sacrifice to avoid becoming that bomb. It made for an emotional yet open ended story that could definitely be revisited down the line. The Jean Grey Institute even yielded a new instructor out of the conflict. With Avengers vs. X-men set to link up with this series, it couldn't have come at a better time. While the emotion with Mimic and Weapon Omega was well done, the stuff with Rogue seemed a bit underplayed. Her obsessing over whether or not to call Magneto got old several issues ago. For a relationship that is sickening on a necrophiliac level, it's been dragged out way too fucking much.

The variety offered by X-men Legacy continues to be a great appeal. Christos Gage has worked in more than his share in his brief run. He's had the kind of mindless action that ADD first graders would enjoy and the kind of heartfelt drama that gives Twilight fans pussy boners. Now that X-men Legacy is poised to tie in with Avengers vs. X-men, it'll be interesting to see how Gage handles this series. If this issue is any indication, it shows he has the range to cover both personal stories and stories that involve blowing shit up. I give X-men Legacy #265 a 4 out of 5. Shit didn't blow up here, but if you're a lover of bromance stories or stories with gay connotations then this comic is for you! Nuff said.

X-men Legacy #264 - Ticking Time Bomb (of Awesome)

Consistency is a beautiful thing. Whether it's the purity of a fresh line of blow or the smoothness of a strippers ass, it's one of those rare natural phenomenon that is beautiful wherever it manifests. It very rarely manifests in comics. Consistently awesome comic series are about as rare as child stars that become well-adjusted adults. But every so often there's a fluke like Neil Patrick Harris that bucks the trend. X-men Legacy has been one of those consistently awesome X-books that you can always rely on to have a certain level of awesome. It has it's hiccups, but it's always quick to balance itself out. Mike Carey began that legacy and Christos Gage has since taken over and run with it.

X-men Legacy has a unique charm amongst the X-books. It doesn't directly follow Cyclops's team or Wolverine's team after the events of Schism. It doesn't get involved in the lingering bitterness or dick-measuring contest that drives so many of the other plots. It's unique unto itself. The fact it takes place at the Jean Grey Institute is a happy coincidence. You could easily see these kinds of stories unfolding on Utopia and unfolding nicely. Gage is able to make the most of the situation, mixing in equal parts action and character development. You can't get much more balanced without being a Korean gymnast.

The previous arc of X-men Legacy was an emotional brawl between the Legacy crew and Exodus. For reasons that can only be justified through the use of very powerful drugs, Exodus sought to undo the schism and reunite the X-men even if they kicked and screamed the whole way. While the X-men was able to subdue them with the help of Generation Hope, it put a real dent in their morale because the battle essentially made Cyclops's dick seem just a little bit bigger in that dick-measuring contest I mentioned earlier. Not only that, Rogue got demoted from her leadership position for getting Utopia involved after Wolverine told her not to. Even if it spared them additional destruction, he can take a lot of shit. He can take being burnt to the bone and sent to hell. He just can't take insubordination when it leads to making Cyclops look good.

X-men Legacy #264 picks up shortly after that rather demoralizing moment for Rogue. She's hanging out with Cannonball at the Jean Grey Institute, blowing off steam by flying around at high speeds and having a casual chat. It sounds like a fucked up way to have a conversation, but it works. Rogue actually has some emotional moments here and they don't involve Magneto's wrinkly ball sack for once. She laments over how she misses Nightcrawler and how she doesn't have a family to fall back on (at least one that doesn't want to kill her). It's a really genuine sentiment that you can't find in too many places besides X-men Legacy.

This casual, emotional moment of reflection is interrupted as is so often the case in comics. Last time it was Exodus, who ranks about a 8.0 on the fucked-up-o-meter. This time it's a threat not quite as dangerous. It's Weapon Omega and Mimic, who literally come crashing in like a drunk driver that stole a drag racer. It doesn't cause too much damage, but it does get Rogue and Cannonball's attention. Beast and Iceman join in as well, knowing when shit impacts around the Jean Grey Institute it's usually a bad sign. And Weapon Omega and Mimic aren't exactly friends. Most recently, they were still on the payroll for Norman Osborn and when Norman Osborn is signing your paychecks you have about as much credibility as Rush Limbaugh on women's rights.

Unlike Exodus, though, Mimic and Weapon Omega didn't come looking for a fight. Mimic actually arrived looking for help. Both Mimic and Weapon Omega have similar powers in the sense that they feed off the mutant abilities of others. For Mimic it just makes him a walking copyright lawsuit. For Weapon Omega, however, it makes him walking time bomb that need only be poked and prodded enough to go off. Some like Iceman are skeptical over the prospects of helping the same people who help Norman Osborn get his coffee. Rogue and Beast are a bit more understanding. Unfortunately, Weapon Omega quickly shows he's past the point of nausea and throwing up. He's officially on a PCP trip, thinking as coherently as a brain dead grizzly with the aggression of a hungry tiger.

Once again, the Jean Grey Institute is subjected to some undue damage. Weapon Omega goes on a roid rage style rampage that includes interrupting a class Chamber was teaching that included loving one's self and sex. And he does it without resorting to the same bawdy displays as Lady Gaga. It's a nice class and one you actually feel bad about Weapon Omega disrupting. It's one of those little details that help make good stories awesome because if they were just learning algebra, you probably wouldn't give a shit if someone came crashing through the wall. Hell, you may wish for that on a daily basis in high school. But I digress.

Chamber helps contribute to the battle against Weapon Omega by firing off a few blasts of his own. This helps soften him up a bit more so Rogue and Cannonball can lure him away from the students. Gambit, Frenzy, and Rachel eventually catch up as well and with a little telepathic nudge they're able to wrestle him away from his power trip. It completes a very well-organized battle, which wasn't quite as volatile as the battle against Exodus but it made up for it in other ways. That's another aspect about X-men Legacy that has made it such a consistent book lately. Not every battle involves two sides simply slugging it out. There's purpose behind that battle, at least more purpose than a mere dick-measuring contest. The pants stay up in this battle. They're not trying to subdue someone. They're trying to help him and unfortunately that requires roughing him up a bit. Reminds me somewhat of gym class in grade school, only slightly less horrific.

When shit finally settles down, the X-men are able to contain Weapon Omega in an isolation chamber. It allows Beast to channel his inner Dr. House and run a few tests. He discovers that Weapon Omega's problem is not unlike what happens when you feed a room full of New York Jets and Philadelphia Eagles fans large helpings of baked beans. The energy builds up, getting to a point where it cannot be held in and should the full power be unleashed it would cause mass death and destruction. If you don't think a fart can be that dangerous, then clearly you haven't gotten drunk in a Philadelphia bar during Monday Night Football when the chef had a surplus of refried beans. Weapon Omega absorbs the energy from mutants not unlike Mimic, except he stores the more explosive kind of energy. He's absorbed so much of it that it not only sends him into fits of homicidal rage. It has primed him to explode. There's another analogy for raging football fans, but I think I've gone into enough details.

So they have a mutant with explosive potential locked in a school meant to keep mutants safe. I have to imagine that somewhere in the Marvel Universe Cyclops is laughing his ass off while he's boning Emma Frost. The initial plan is to evacuate the school, get Weapon Omega as far away as possible, and let him blow up in peace. Remarkably, Weapon Omega is okay with this plan. He seems to understand that there's only so much hope for a guy that packs enough energy to blow up an entire school of mutant children. But Mimic and Rogue aren't as eager to let him blow himself up. They come up with a plan to use their absorption powers to siphon off the energy he's absorbed so he's not so explosive. It sounds like a perfectly reasonable plan by most comic standards. The physics are fucked up enough to make Einstein roll over in his grave, but it's better than nothing.

This is where another one of those special X-men Legacy twists come in. They don't happen in every issue. Hell, they don't happen in every arc. When a twist comes along that you don't see coming, it's a beautiful thing when done right. If the writer is good, it'll put a smile on your face and a boner in your pants. If it's done wrong, it'll confuse you more than the last two season of Lost. This time, Christos Gage does it right. Usually, when a couple of characters attempt to give the finger to physics it works out in comics to a certain extent. It's one of those random assumptions that are so rarely question. However, that doesn't happen here.

While Beast makes it clear that he's not convinced of this theory in the same way Rick Santorum isn't convinced of evolution, Rogue and Mimic decide to try it anyways. They coordinate their efforts to drain Weapon Omega's energy, but rather than help him they only triple the crisis. By that I mean they make it so they're now also walking time bombs just like Weapon Omega. See what happens when you try to fuck with physics? Physics will fuck back and she's not gentle either!

The conflicts and enemies the X-men face in Legacy are often as colorful as they are diverse. Exodus was a very basic kind of threat. He was just an overpowered psycho with the reasoning capacity of a horny gorilla. But the threat in this issue is very different. It's not a simple good guys have to stop a bad guy who didn't take his meds. It involves a threat where there's no overt enemy, just a couple of guys badly in need of help and less options than this year's flock of republican primary candidates. It makes for very different stakes and a very different kind of conflict. Weapon Omega comes off as someone who had a few too many hits of a crack pipe and is in serious danger of frying what's left of his brain cells. Now I'm tempted to call him a pussy for not being able to hold his rock, but I'll concede it's a genuine conflict that Gage does extremely well.

Going back to my point about balance, this issue has everything that makes X-men Legacy so enjoyable. It hasn't been caught in the web of Avengers vs. X-men yet. It's further distanced from the events of Schism than the other books, giving it a unique feel that you can enjoy without having to jam ice picks in your brain out of frustration from having to tie in all the other stories from other comics. It's a basic X-men story with all the right intricacies. It has personal moments with Rogue and Weapon Omega. It has a few surprises along the way as well. The ending just brought it all together and you couldn't get much more satisfied without a box of tissues and a fresh bottle of lube.

The more Christos Gage impresses with this series, the more comfortable I am saying he's met the high standards set by Mike Carey. I admit I was really skeptical that he could measure up to what Carey did with this. Usually when I get humbled, it involves me waking up somewhere in my underwear with a phone number pinned to my ass. This is a much better kind of humbling and my pants actually stay on! For this, I'm grateful to Mr. Gage and I'm grateful that this comic has continued the high standards that make X-men Legacy so enjoyable. That's why I give X-men Legacy #264 a 5 out of 5. There are a few basic assumptions we can make about life. We can assume Rick Santorum will say something ridiculously asinine and bigoted. We can assume Rush Limbauh will say something that will offend minorities everywhere. And we can assume X-men Legacy will have a high standard for awesome that will often be met. I'm perfectly comfortable with at least one those assumptions. Nuff said!