Reminders and Resurrections: X-men #11

The following is my review of X-men #11, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

It’s no secret that death is a revolving door in comics. When most characters die or are killed off, it’s more like the superhero equivalent of taking a sick day. They step down in the most definitive possible way, allowing other characters to try and fill the void. More often than not, they fail miserably or the novelty wears off. Bucky Barnes didn’t stay Captain America for very long. And Dick Grayson couldn’t give the mantel of Batman back to Bruce Wayne fast enough. It would be annoying if it didn’t work so well at garnering attention. It’s like someone burning their house down to get the neighbors to help with some landscaping.

But not all death in comics carries the same weight. That sounds like a strange concept because in real life, death the third most definitive event there is after birth and taxes. In comics, however, the very concept of a character being dead is subject to more technicalities than modern banking regulations. Sometimes a character can be officially dead, yet in a state of limbo. Sometimes they can be technically alive, but they might as well be dead. Like quantum mechanics, it’s as baffling as it is convoluted. However, it does have some perks in that it makes it easier to bring certain characters back from the dead without burning any houses down. And X-men #11 takes advantage of that in a way that would make any lobbyist for the banking industry smile.

Death and resurrection has been a consistent theme since Lady Deathstrike returned to the X-books. She had been a disembodied ghost. Now she has taken over the body of young Columbian woman who happens to be the daughter of a rich crime lord. In many respects, Lady Deathstrike traded up because this body gave her the resources to start the Sisterhood of mutants. And as the story has unfolded, she has brought a number of deadly female villains into the mix. In the process, however, she ceded her control of the Sisterhood to Akrea, another disembodied menace that was supposedly killed. It’s a common thread that has made the Sisterhood a much more compelling threat than just another killer robot.

And the all-female X-men are still several steps behind the Sisterhood. In the past few issues, they’ve been outsmarted and outmaneuvered to a point where they would come off as inept of this were a typical buddy cop movie. But that’s not the underlying theme here. They’re dealing with an enemy that is very resourceful, very powerful, and very dedicated to hurting them in every possible way. It’s like giving a jaded ex-spouse a blank check and unlimited access to automatic weapons. That’s what makes the Sisterhood more interesting than the X-men at this point. They are master villains with an agenda that even competent heroes can’t keep up with.

While the X-men keep falling behind, the Sisterhood take full advantage of it by adding to their ranks. This involves spinning that revolving door of death a little faster. The first one to benefit is Selene Gallio, the Black Queen. She is one of those characters who was never killed off in some dramatic battle. Her fate was left ambiguous after Necrosha, which was the last event she appeared in. This ambiguity is only partially addressed when Emora and Lady Deathstrike bring her back to life. Necrosha is mentioned, offering some insight into her status. But not much is explained about how she ended up some disembodied spirit in a special containment room. It renders the impact of her return somewhat muted. However, it does succeed in adding to the ranks of the Sisterhood.

That muted impact goes back to death not carrying the same weight for some characters. Given Selene’s background with magic and death, her return doesn’t conjure the same emotions as the return of Captain America or Superman. And it’s not supposed to either. Even as a villain, Selene is not Captain America. She’s not even on the same level as Squirrel Girl. She’s a character who uses her power and dark persona to contribute to a story. She’s essentially the hotness that a habanero pepper leaves in that the hotness tends to be more noteworthy than the pepper itself.

The same can be said for the other female villain that the Sisterhood plans to bring back, Madelyne Pryor. But unlike Selene, Madelyne has more emotional weight following her. As the former wife of Cyclops and a clone of Jean Grey, she has been part of some very powerful moments in the history of X-men. She actually was the one that established the first Sisterhood of Mutants back during Matt Fraction’s run on Uncanny X-men. Her status is much less ambiguous than Selene’s and the X-men figure this out. They figure out what the Sisterhood is doing, but they’re still too far behind to stop them.

It has all the makings of a thrilling chase. It’s Jack Baur or Ethan Hunt trying to hunt down a team of highly skilled terrorists before they can strike. But this thrill is also heavily muted. They never even get around to bringing Madelyne Pryor back. It’s only set up for the next issue. The story loses focus when it diverts attention to another team of young X-men taking on an old army of Sentinels that Arkea resurrected. It also loses focus when the body that Lady Deathstrike has inhabited decides to turn against the Sisterhood. These developments don’t add much to the story. They’re more like distractions akin to the annoying pop-up ads that come up before a streaming video. So instead of taking advantage of this potential, the issue sacrifices it in favor of adding new plots. That’s like adding an extra racing stripe to a drag racer instead of a more powerful engine. It keeps the story from going as far as it could have.

Despite this unrealized potential, the death and resurrection theme remains a consistent and compelling feature of X-men #11. More than anything, it establishes the Sisterhood as a powerful threat that will test the all-female X-men in ways nothing else has to this point. It can do without the ongoing side-plots with Jubilee, John Sublime, and the other students at the Jean Grey Institute. These are characters that have no history of dying and coming back to life yet. Selene and Madelyne Pryor do have that history. This along with their choice of attire makes them a much more compelling story and one where too much material was wasted for no good reason.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #11

There’s a great schism among comic book fans that sometimes turns into an all-out gang war. It happens whenever characters are killed and/or brought back to life. Some bitch and moan that it demeans a character’s death to just bring them back after a few years. Some bitch and moan that it demeans a character’s potential to keep them dead. Like the gay marriage debate, nobody is ever going to change anybody’s mind on these issues. But no matter how pissed off or outraged one side gets, these books just keep selling. And between the sales of Blackest Night and Civil War, major comic book publishers have no reason to stop. Now I don’t expect quite the same outrage in wake of the revelation in Brian Wood’s X-men that he’s bringing Madelyne Pryor and Selene back from the dead. But I’m sure there will be some people out there who will find a reason or a way to bitch and moan about it. So before I begin my review of X-men #11, let me just say fuck these people with an adamantium dildo.

The first lady to get the Jesus Christ treatment is Selene, the Black Queen. This probably isn’t going to surprise anyone. Her “death” wasn’t as final as Nightcrawler’s or Cable’s and neither one of those two stayed dead. She was last seen in the Necrosha event, which was built around reanimating the corpses of dead mutants. Her fate was somewhat ambiguous. And to bring her back, Emora and Lady Deathstrike break into a special vault hidden in a New York City bank that contains whatever invisible bits of the Black Queen that are still alive.

Now Necrosha is mentioned, which is a nice touch. But there’s no explanation whatsoever as to how she ended up in this vault, disembodied or otherwise. That may be too much to ask given the constraints of the story, but it’s telling that this vault is in fucking New York City and all it takes is a little black magic to bring her back. And I refuse to believe there isn’t some crazy psychopath in Marvel’s version of New York City that has too much free time and practices black magic.

I won’t say this method of brining the Black Queen back is entirely contrived. The mention of Necrosha and the mystical elements is basically par for the course with her. And since Emora the Enchantress is a fucking Asgardian goddess, she’s more than qualified to do something as simple as bring back the dead. I’m sure that’s something she did for shits and giggles as a teenager in Asgard. And it fucking works. The Black Queen re-appears to them in the flesh. She’s even naked, which is always a nice bonus. She doesn’t look all that trilled about being alive again. She’s the fucking Black Queen. I imagine being brought back from the dead is like that feeling drunks get after they recover from a hangover, which usually involves a desire to go out and get drunk all over again.

The resurrection of the Black Queen is a clear sign that the Sisterhood is several steps ahead of the all-female X-men. In the previous issue, they tried to chase them down in Dubai before they could do any more damage with Arkea. They didn’t necessarily fail, although Monet nearly got herself killed. However, they did get tricked into going in the wrong direction. Storm, Rachel, Psylocke, Monet, and Omega Sentinel end up storming some fancy yacht, which leads to somewhere between dick and jack shit. They don’t deny that they’ve been pwned, which is more than I can say for 85 percent of anyone on a message board. But they know they’re in trouble.

And it’s here where their mission gets a little more refined. It’s not as basic as a Power Rangers re-run where they just call upon zords and find the giant monster to destroy. It’s more like an episode of 24 or a Mission Impossible movie where the enemy is actually smarter than a bucket of horse piss. Monet, who happens to be an ex-cop, points this out and reasons that the Sisterhood isn’t just attacking them outright. They have a plan that is smarter than something that a Bond villain would come up with. That includes finding new recruits and ensuring they have enough firepower to take on the X-men. It’s mostly talk, but it’s meaningful talk that shows a level of refinement that is under-appreciated in comics. It’s no Downtown Abby, but it does make the plot a bit more engaging.

What isn’t as engaging is how the Black Queen adjusts to the world of the living again. And that’s to be expected to some extent. She’s the fucking Black Queen. She’s not the kind of person to be writing poems about roses and dancing in the fields naked celebrating the joys of life, although I wouldn’t mind seeing that. She just puts on her usual exceedingly sexy uniform, touches up her makeup, and catches up with what’s going on. She’s not all that impressed at first, but then Arkea shows up and lets her read her mind. And in an instant, she goes from superior alpha bitch to prison bitch. It may seem out of character for the Black Queen, but it’s not wholly unreasonable. Arkea already got a fucking Asgardian on her side. Getting the Black Queen to obey her really isn’t that much of a stretch. Plus, she’s tasked with killing the X-men. I don’t think she needs to be manipulated that much to help with that.

All this is happening while the all-female X-men are trying to catch up. Right now, they’re more behind the curve than Forest Gump in a nuclear physics class. But they’re not stumbling around in the dark like a drunk looking for their cell phone. They continue to show real detective skills that prove once again that having a penis or being Batman isn’t necessary to solve crimes. They find out through their sources that someone with a fuckton of money bought some remaining genetic material from Madelyne Pryor and it happens to be the same person that bought access to the Black Queen’s vault. Since they already figured out that Lady Deathstrike is now inhabiting the body of an exceedingly rich woman whose family has strong criminal ties. It doesn’t take any real detective skills to figure out just how fucked they are.

And if it sounds strange that somebody would actually buy the remains of dead mutants, that’s actually addressed. Apparently, there’s actually a market in the Marvel universe for mutant memorability. But they don’t just stop at napkins, clothes, or used tampons. They go so far as to sell genetic material to collectors, fanboys, and people who just like to hoard weird shit. It sounds fucked up. But after watching just one episode of Pawn Stars, I find it painfully believable. And because of this fucked up human tendency to hoard weird shit, it’s going to bring the Goblin Queen back to life. It makes me wonder how the fuck the human race isn’t extinct yet.

It’s a very exciting prospect. The all-female X-men now know what the Sisterhood is up to and it’s a race against time to stop them. This is an enemy that’s smart, resourceful, and cunning. It should be an epic struggle. That’s exactly why the story goes downhill way too fucking fast when that plot is just flat out abandoned. And instead, we catch up with fucking John Sublime. He’s still at the Jean Grey Institute and under constant watch. He has a little chat with Kid Omega that really contributes absolutely nothing to the story other than reminding readers that he was once a villain. I’ve killed a lot of fucking brain cells in my life and even I still remember that. And if I don’t need a reminder, then this scene is a fucking waste.

Things get slightly back on track with the Sisterhood, but only for the length of a single bong hit. As Typhoid Mary is sparring with Lady Deathstrike and pondering the kind of shit she has gotten herself into, the body that Lady Deathstrike inhabited suddenly takes over. The woman, Ana Cortes, suddenly breaks free and is able to overcome Lady Deathstrike’s control. And the first thing she does is ask Typhoid Mary to kill her. She’s even more overwhelmed by this shit than Typhoid Mary and would rather just die than deal with someone like Akrea and the Black Queen.

While I can’t say I blame her, this sudden shift only fucks up the flow of the plot even more. There is some decent action when Ana attacks Typhoid Mary, but it’s all very underwhelming. And when Arkea shows up, her first response is to gut herself. Again, it’s underwhelming because it’s so sudden and has had no build-up whatsoever. For all the promise of a clash between the Sisterhood and the X-men, it’s like a bad LSD trip. It goes from riding a unicorn with naked bikini models to chasing giant raccoons while wearing a speedo. It makes no sense and kills the momentum of the story.

It’s a disappointing turn of events and it isn’t helped by attempting to squeeze even more sub-plots into the mix. A few issues ago, Arkea resurrected a bunch of rusted Sentinels from the ocean floor and had them attack a beach. For the X-men, fighting a bunch of rusted Sentinels is like playing Resident Evil with cheat codes. It kills any sense of thrill. There is some action. Jubilee leads a team that includes Mercury, Hellion, Roxy, Pixie, and Cipher against these rusting pieces of junk. It’s colorful and flashy. But like seeing the same horror movie in broad daylight, it really doesn’t have much impact.

The only major twist it can manage is Jubilee disappearing in the end. The explanation for it is pretty piss poor. They manage to rough up the Sentinels, Bling saves Mercury, and everything else is basically a typical Tuesday for the X-men. But Jubilee just disappears and there’s not much hint as to why. Now it could end up tying into other parts of the story. But as it stands, it’s more disconnected and disjointed than the beta version of Windows Vista. It offers none of the impact shown by the Sisterhood arc and generally feels as though it takes away completely from the actual story. Anyone reading this comic while drunk or high will probably have already lost interest by now.

I admit I was very excited for this issue. The prospect of seeing the Black Queen and the Goblin Queen share the same comic was just too awesome for my brain and my penis to process. And while this issue did deliver the Black Queen and set up the Goblin Queen’s return, it threw a lot of unnecessary crap in the mix that was more forgettable than Brittney Spears’ first marriage. Was it really necessary to see John Sublime taking a walk with Kid Omega? Was it really necessary to make a big deal about the young X-men fighting off a bunch of rusted old Sentinels? I say fuck no and even if it was warranted, it didn’t have to completely disrupt the momentum of the story. That’s what makes X-men #11 so disappointing. It had so many great elements going for it. But like a guy trying to do his taxes while giving his girlfriend oral sex, it’s just too much. While I’m still excited for the next issue, I can only give X-men #11 a 5 out of 10. The Black Queen was naked in this issue and that’s worth something. But there was way too much trivial shit that got in the way of the actual story. It essentially cock-blocked readers like me and I get enough of that shit at college frat parties. Nuff said!

X-men #11 - Rebuilding Awesome

Life is all about second chances (and beer). We all fuck up at some point. We all wake up with our asses sore with note stapled to our left butt-cheek at some point in our lives. What makes life worth living is dusting yourself off, wiping the blood from your asshole, and taking another plunge into the shit-storm that is daily life. That brings me to X-men #11. That may sound like an odd transition, but bear with me. There is a point and it’s not just drunken ramblings (mostly anyways).

A while back, I was giving mixed reviews to the new X-men series that was launched under Victor Gischler’s pen. I had my ups and downs with the Curse of the Mutants arc, but it ended up tripping over a cowpie in the end. I kept following it into the next arc, which started very promising. Then it resorted to using lizard people, shitty art, and a less-than-stellar crossover with Spider-Man. I didn’t even finish the arc. I couldn’t make it through the next issue without falling asleep. They weren’t terrible, but they were boring as hell and there were much better X-books to choose from.

Now that cure for insomnia is over and X-men is back with another story. This time it’s a one-shot. It involves Jubilee, who was the only saving grace from Curse of the Mutants. It doesn’t involve gimmicky crossovers or trips through the New York City sewer. For that reason, I’ve decided to give this series a second chance. It may have underperformed or just been outshined by so many other quality titles, but it’s still an X-book so I’m willing to give it a fair shot. I’ll only be half-drunk reviewing this issue. You’ll see why at the end!

X-men #11 might as well have been the fifth issue of the Wolverine and Jubilee mini. It starts with Jubilee, who is now a vampire in addition to being a former mutant teenage girl. She has more issues than the entire Kardashian family and now that she has control of herself, her friends try to cheer her up by throwing a birthday party. For someone who is now part of the undead, that’s like reminding the beef in a cheeseburger of the day it was slaughtered.

Jubilee is understandably bemused. Cake and party hats may work for eight-year-olds, but not teenage vampires still fuming over the last two Twilight movies. So Jubilee leaves everybody else to gorge on the cake. Wolverine in a marked change of pace from the Wolverine and Jubilee mini (which you should totally get if you haven’t already) decides to give her some space. This doesn’t stop Professor Xavier from giving her a little pep talk. That’s right! Xavier, the guy who has basically been a glorified extra for the past few years, actually has a few words with one of his students. It shouldn’t be that jarring, but it is. That’s either because it’s overdue or Marvel’s foresight is just that bad.

Xavier’s way of cheering Jubilee up involves a little story time. Somehow that’s supposed to work just as well on a confused teenager as it is a seven-year-old whining for her binkie. Go figure. At least the story doesn’t involve pink ponies. It involves a recollection of Xavier’s days as a traveler. Back when he had the use of his legs and wasn’t regarded as a dick for keeping secrets from his students, he was a strapping (yet bald) young man looking for adventure. One of his adventures led him to Kenya, where he was investigating reports of animal mutilations. And unlike the alien stories from the American Midwest, it didn’t involve anal probing.

The Professor’s investigation leads him to a rowdy bar. He boldly goes in without a gun. That’s like bare-backing a prostitute in Brazil with blisters on her snatch. But he’s a young Charles Xavier, damn it! He lives (and will later be crippled by) this kind of danger! He doesn’t even finish one beer before he comes across a suspicious loudmouth who knocks over tables and beats the shit out of a guy who accused him of cheating at cards. In other words, he could be any guy you ever went drinking with in downtown Philadelphia. But Xavier is psychic so he’s pretty sure he’s onto something.

For a moment it looks like a classic Kenyan bar fight is about to break out. Then a tough-looking Russian woman enters the bar and said loudmouth suddenly loses all feeling in his scrotum. Her name is Svetlana and Xavier finds out that she’s been investigating the animal mutilations as well. She seems to think it involves more than just cannibals with too much free time. She’s a mercenary that was paid to figure out what the hell is going on and if necessary, shoot it. You know someone is desperate when they hire a woman that can castrate a man with her eyebrows.

Always one to follow the psycho-bitches, Xavier trails Svetlana and her mercenary he-bitches. She leads them to top of a mound that looks like the site of the last Rob Zombie music video. Once he follows them to the top of the mound, he joins them in an area that looks like Ted Nugants basement after he’s spent a month in a wildlife preserve. It shows they’re on the right path and they should prepare to shit themselves if they find whoever was capable of doing this to Africa’s most dangerous predators. 

They don’t find this super-predator. Like any other predator, it finds them. Except it is a he and he kicks the ass of all of Svetlana’s men. He does it with just a stick too. That’s like Luke Skywalker beating the Death Star with a pocket knife. But Svetlana wouldn’t qualify as a tough-nosed bitch if she ran away screaming.

The fight doesn’t last long. The mysterious man who looks like a young Jet Li or an anorexic Rambo makes quick work of Svetlana. It turns out she’s not the super-bitch she comes off as. She’s still beaten with the same stick. I’m not sure if this is Gischler’s way of showing gender equality, but it sends the right message. This guy can kick some serious ass.

Xavier, being the curious young psychic, peers into his brain and discovers that this guy isn’t handy with a stick. His name is Raizo Koda. It sounds like a Japanese shaving kit, but he’s older than my grandfather’s underwear and in ten times as better shape. It turns out he wasn’t just slaughtering animals to channel his inner Teddy Roosevelt. Svetlana and her may have stumbled on a small vampire settlement. Now these aren’t the kind of vampires that set traps like pedophiles with candy and windowless vans. They just want to be left alone. Raizo is sticking his neck out for his buddies and leading Svetlana away. He reaches out to Xavier, who helps by telepathically urging them to take a vacation. Maybe get themselves a case of vodka, go ice fishing, and strangle a grizzly. You know, a real Russian holiday!

The moral of the story for all the boys and girls out there is that vampires is people do. Heroic people just like the X-men who stick their fangs out for friends and beat up some asshole mercenaries who don’t know how to mind their own business. He’s not like Dracula or Xarus. He’s his own vamp and he’s pretty badass too. Jubilee respects guys like that and it does help turn that teenage angst into regular teen drama. It doesn’t solve her problems, but it does make her feel better. So when Xavier offers to join her in her party, she accepts. It’s a nice moment that may have been redone in countless sitcoms, but it still gives the same warm and fuzzy feeling to messed up teenage girls everywhere. At least they’re not vampires...and they don’t sparkle!

So in the end we’re left with a pep talk, a trick down memory lane, and the most redundant birthday surprise ever. Let’s face it, these aren’t going to make your asshole clench from shock and awe. It’s not going to bore you to death either. There is a solid story here and it does help progress from what transpired in Curse of the Mutants. Jubilee needed a lesson in how to shrug your shoulders when life gives you the finger. The story about Xavier’s Kenya adventure wasn’t ground-breaking, but it wasn’t contrived either. It fits into his character and it makes a point, one from which Jubilee can draw inspiration. It’s also a long overdue issue where Charles Xavier, the guy who literally put the X in X-men, actually has a prominent role. Given the events of the past few years, that’s a lot more jarring than it should be.

This issue is decent within it’s own context. It’s not meant to be on the same scale as Curse of the Mutants. It’s more of an aside issue, in other words it’s got a touch of filler. All the action is in the form of a flashback. It helps that the issue is eventful, but only to a point. There’s only so much buzz you can get from a flashback that’s basically an after-school special for a troubled teenage vampire. It’s like watered down beer. It won’t get you as high as you want and you’ll have to piss a lot later on, but it’ll still get you high.

I’m glad Marvel is trying to give Jubilee more face time. She’s become more prominent in the past year than she has in the past decade. Somehow Marvel found a way to continue this while giving a chance for Charles Xavier to show that before he got his legs busted up, he was quite the badass. He’s like a young, white Charles Barkley. He can still connect with his students and help them in their own right. For that, he deserves credit.

Overall, I’m glad I gave X-men #11 another chance. This book doesn’t make me forget the lackluster issues that preceded it, but it does give me hope that this title can still succeed. It has some hefty competition from the likes of Uncanny X-Force, Uncanny X-men, and X-men Legacy. But at least it isn’t being left in the dust. However, it still has a ways to go. For a final score, I give X-men #11 a 3 out of 5. This title has a lot of potential with Chris Yost coming aboard for a bit and with the upcoming events surrounding Schism. I’m ready for Marvel to make good use of it rather than relegate it to capitalizing on the popularity of vampires. 

Nuff said!