Scanned Thoughts: Star Wars #3

There are some winning formulas that just work under any circumstances. There’s peanut butter and jelly, beer and buffalo wings, or pussy and weed. It’s simple and it can be crude, but why the fuck does it matter? It still works. Star Wars was revolutionary for its time, but it still followed a winning formula. That formula just got more awesome when aliens, Death Stars, and sexy women in metal bikinis were added to the mix. It doesn’t need to be radically altered. It just needs to stick with what works.

That’s exactly what Marvel’s new Star Wars series has done. It doesn’t try to make senate hearings more interesting. It doesn’t try to create goofy characters that are annoying as fuck. It just puts Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewie in another clash with the Empire. And it fucking works. It picks up where Episode IV left off and maintains a raging space boner every step of the way. It’s led to light saber battles, an AT-AT hijacking, and prisoner rescues. At this point, my erection can only get so hard. If I have to call a doctor after Star Wars #3, I’m okay with that. A winning formula is just that worth it.

The potency of that formula is beautifully demonstrated, like using napalm to cook a plate of bacon. Han and Leia have jacked an AT-AT to lay waste to an Imperial base. Luke jacked a land speeder so he could ride around and use Storm Troopers as target practice. And at some point, they found time to free a bunch of imperial slave prisoners. Oh yeah, and Darth Vader is there to make sure it’s not too easy for them. This situation basically has everything. There’s auto theft, liberating slaves, and a pissed off Darth Vader. Seriously, there couldn’t be more going on without Leia giving Jabba the Hut a lap dance.

As fun as it is to fuck up an Imperial base, Hank and Leia understand they need to get the fuck off the planet. Like a house party that’s about to get raided by the cops, they have to be content with the damage they’ve already done. The problem is that they left C3PO in charge of protecting the Millennium Falcon. That’s like having a sick puppy guard a bunch of sleeping chickens against a pack of hungry wolves. C3PO has a lot of charming qualities. Fighting a bunch of scavengers trying to rip the Millennium Falcon apart ain’t one of them.

Lucky for him, fighting is one of Chewbacca’s greatest strengths in addition to making furry enthusiasts really horny. Despite being on the wrong end of one of Darth Vader’s attacks earlier, he survived and roughed up the scavengers before C3PO could further reinforce his reputation as a robot pussy. It’s very satisfying. Chewbacca is like Groot with a blaster and he’s more huggable. Now that Star Wars is owned by Disney, I imagine that counts for a lot.

That’s one problem solved, but Han and Leia still have plenty others that are more pressing. An AT-AT might be a badass Imperial weapon, but it’s a big fucking target and the Imperial have a lot of guns. Plus, they’re in the middle of a fucking weapons factory. Like trying to rob a gun store, they’re playing with a stacked deck. Luke is learning that the hard way too, but he’s in something that’s way more maneuverable than an AT-AT. The problem is he’s also in a fucking weapon’s factory. That means the Storm Troopers have land speeders too. The only advantage he has going for him is that Storm Troopers crash in weapons factories as easily as they do on Endor.

The action is intense and well-paced. The tension of the situation is beautifully vivid. It’s not the same climactic battle scene against the Death Star, but it isn’t intended to be. This is about the Rebels trying to kick the Empire when it’s down. So far, they’re doing a hell of a job and looking pretty damn awesome while doing it. This is the kind of epic space battles that made Star Wars awesome and George Lucas filthy fucking rich. Whether it’s 1977 or 2015, it’s awesome.

Han and Leia might have some big guns on their side with an AT-AT. But big guns don’t mean jack shit when the other side has Darth fucking Vader. He’s still pissed about the Rebels and in dire need of avenging the destruction of the Death Star. Since the Imperials are taking too long with their fancy weapons, Darth Vader decides to do it himself. They’ve got an AT-AT. He’s got a light sabre and the Force. Sounds like a fair fight.

And Darth Vader usually wins those fair fights in ways that don’t seem fair. He already found out that the Imperials were useful for something in that they stopped the meltdown of the factory’s core. That means the Rebels’ attack will amount to no more than a few puke stains on a frat house wall, which is way better than burning the whole fucking house down. He tells Chewy that they’re in deep shit and they need the Millennium Falcon. They’ll probably need more than that because Vader is able to clip one of the legs of the AT-AT, proving once again that the Imperials have a strange fetish for building weaknesses into their badass weapons.

It makes for another obscenely badass moment for Darth Vader. An entire army of Storm Troopers armed with tanks and cannons couldn’t bring down an AT-AT. But Darth Vader, armed only with a light sabre and a complete disregard for Imperial property, is able to take it down. This is not the same Anakin Skywalker that was utterly pussified in the prequels. This isn’t even the same Darth Vader that tried to get his son to join him. This is just a badass Sith Lord looking to fuck up his enemies as only a badass Sith Lord can do. He couldn’t have re-established his badassery any better without choking a Gungan.

The destruction of the AT-AT puts Han, Leia, and the slaves they freed at a huge disadvantage. They’re all forced to dust themselves off, get out of the wrecked vehicle, and outrun a pissed off Darth Vader with an army of Storm Troopers at his back. It’s a day that couldn’t be made worse without a visit from the IRS. Darth Vader even makes clear that there will be no prisoners this time. They’re overstocked on body bags and they’re looking to fill them with Rebels.

Luke manages to finally catch up before Darth Vader gets there. He’s able to give Han and Leia some room to escape while he takes one last shot at condemning the Imperial’s little frat house. Leia is against it, but Luke doesn’t listen. I guess he hasn’t been with Disney long enough to respect a princess’ authority. So he decides to go after the core. The problem is Darth Vader senses this and decides to go after him as well. It’s still not as bad as being chased by the IRS, but it’s right up there.

Another epic chase follows, carrying many of the same elements as the epic Death Star run. Darth Vader is chasing Luke, who is on his own to deliver the killing blow. Vader tries to shoot him down while he tries to stay on course. It might not be on the same scale, but fuck if it doesn’t exude the same awesome. There’s plenty of shooting, plenty of destruction, and plenty of Imperial assholes getting caught in the crossfire. So it has something for everyone to enjoy.

Even with Darth Vader jacking a ship and trying to shoot him down, Luke manages to get to the core and take it out with the land speeder. He doesn’t need to use the Force this time. He just needs to have a reckless disregard for Imperial property. That in and of itself doesn’t make it a great feat. What makes this feat truly meaningful is that he leaves the exploding facility feeling saddened, thinking he isn’t the Jedi his father was. Keep in mind, he still doesn’t know his father was a badass Jedi who ended up becoming a Sith Lord. As far as he’s concerned, he just pissed away an opportunity to honor his memory. That shit means something. It’s like pissing away an opportunity to make out with a hot cheerleader at a party. It’s something a lot of men end up regretting.

While blowing up the factory officially made the mission a success, they still need to get their asses off the planet and out of Imperial territory. And they have to do it in a Millennium Falcon that C3PO let a bunch of scavengers fuck up. Luke manages to meet up with Han, Leia, and the prisoners on the ship. They then take off just in time to confront a fleet of Star Destroyers. Since they don’t have any other weapons to hijack, they decide to make a run for it. They’re content with the damage they’ve done for one day and make the jump to light speed. Leia even manages to bust Han’s balls a bit because that shit hasn’t gotten old yet.

So the Rebels escape, but Darth Vader survives once again. In fact, he barely has a scratch. Compared to blowing up the Death Star, blowing a factory counts only as a minor rectal itch. But beyond the destruction, Darth Vader comes to an important conclusion that will later play out in the Empire Strikes Back. He figures out that Luke is the last hope for the rebellion and Obi Wan was trying to protect him. It’s an important realization and one that will eventually cost him and Luke a hand. It also helps give even more meaning to a conflict that has had so much.

So Han, Luke, Leia, and the rebels win the day. They freed a bunch of Imperial slaves, blew up one of their factories, and survived an encounter with Darth Vader. By rebel standards, it’s the equivalent of winning a football game and then having a three-way with a couple of cheerleaders afterwards. It’s still bittersweet for Luke, who is a long ways away from being the last hope of the rebellion. But he’s still a rookie. Even Peyton Manning sucked as a rookie.

But his whining isn’t just typical self-pity. While this battle is over, another conflict is already unfolding back on Luke’s home planet. And it involves the now-abandoned house of Obi-Wan Kanobi. Not much is revealed, but after the epic struggle that just transpired I’m not sure my heart or my penis could take anymore. It sets up some interesting possibilities. I’ll need to catch my breath for them, but I think it’s safe to say this was a good day for a galaxy that needed it.

Let me just say this because it needs to be said. To all the bitter Star Wars fans who still can’t get over the fact they actually paid to see Attack of the Clones that didn’t like this story on principle...fuck off. I get that the Star Wars brand took a Jar Jar sized shit as a result of the prequels. I really do. But that didn’t destroy the brand entirely. More than anything else, this issue re-established everything that makes Star Wars awesome. In addition, it added something meaningful to the mythos by exploring this underdeveloped period in the saga. And it turned out to be very meaningful.

Han and Leia are still a long ways from bumping uglies, but that spark of chemistry still showed. Luke is still a long ways away from being the Jedi that beat Darth Vader, despite losing a hand. But he showed that he’s still on that righteous path. And Darth Vader shows that he can still kick ass on a galactic scale. It doesn’t matter if someone saw the first movie 10 times back in the 1970s or just bought the whole set on Blu-Ray. This issue gives everyone a reason to squee like Ron Swanson at a bacon-eating contest. It’s the rebels battling the Empire while C-3PO acts like a pussy. It’s Luke Skywalker fighting Darth Vader on his path to becoming a Jedi. Star Wars fans, this is as good as it gets without Leia in a chain bikini. Embrace it. I give Star Wars #3 a 10 out of 10 and my highest recommendation. The Force truly is strong with this one. It brings tears to my eyes and various other fluids from my dick, but in the best possible way. Nuff said!