Scanned Thoughts: Inferno #3

What’s the difference between being a dick and being truly evil? Well, it’s not a clear line. Being a dick is something we’re all capable of doing. We pee on the seat of a public toilet. We yell at a barista for not putting enough foam in our latte. We cut someone off in traffic just to make them honk their horn. We’ve all been guilty of shit like that at least once in our lives, usually on a Monday or after our favorite team is eliminated from the playoffs. But being evil requires an extra level of assholery. The difference between Dr. Doom and Dr. House is a matter of scale. And in the Inferno section of Battleworld, Magik has tipped the scale in ways that would shock a diabetic sumo wrestler.

There’s no way around it. Magik has gone beyond dry-humping the devil. She’s made him sign a pre-nup and gave him a forced circumcision. She’s now the Queen of Limbo and she’s basically a slightly more likable version of King Joffrey. Yet Colossus is still trying to save her while pleasuring Domino on the side. Hey, we can’t say the man isn’t ambitious and dedicated. But Magik keeps giving Colossus more and more reasons to drown his sorrows in Domino’s cleavage. She’s gotten so damn evil that Colossus now has to team up with Madelyne Pryor to take her down. Not to be outdone, Magik decides to turn Nightcrawler into a her own personal demon horse. I usually give somewhat of a pass to cute blonde girls, but I make an exception for this version of Magik. Colossus has a chance to make that exception in Inferno #3, but fuck if he’s just too damn dedicated.

But dedication alone just won’t cut it. He knows if he’s going to save his sister, he’s going to need a lot more than that. It’s why he teamed up with Madelyne Pryor. Fight crazy psycho bitch with crazy psycho bitch. It works with ex-girlfriends. Why shouldn’t it work with demon-possessed sisters?

There’s just one major problem and sadly, I’m not talking about a wardrobe malfunction with Madelyne. With Colossus leading the charge, they make it to Magik’s central lair in Limbo. The thing is she’s not there. She’s gone and not because she’s taking a shit either. She’s just flat out gone. Colossus is understandably confused while Madelyne Pryor is pleasantly surprised. She didn’t want to save Magik. She just wanted the throne and she just happened to arrive to find it vacant. That’s like walking into a shitty motel room and finding a cooler full of cold beer on the bed. Colossus is still pissed and Domino has to remind him that Madelyne went out of her way to lead them here, but he still looks like he needs a cold beer or a fresh bottle of vodka.

There’s some tense moments with Colossus and Domino, some of it very sexual, but they quickly find out that Magik has a very good reason for not being there. Armed with a demon-infused Nightcrawler, she teleports her army right to the front door of the X-men’s headquarters. So it’s not enough that she corrupted Nightcrawler. She has to use him to take a big demonic shit on the X-men’s home. There’s being a sadistic bitch and then there’s just being plain evil. Even my most vindictive ex-girlfriend had her limits. Magik has essentially spat on those limits and shot them with a bazooka.

What makes this attack all the more devious is that it took Colossus, Domino, and Madelyne Pryor out of the equation. By invading Limbo with their forces, they’ve essentially trapped themselves there. Now they can’t aid the X-men in any capacity. It’s a tactic that Starcraft fans of all kinds can respect.

While this adds to Colossus’ frustration, Madelyne is remarkably okay with it. She wanted Magik’s throne. Well, now she has it. She even claims they succeeded in helping Magik because they got her out of Limbo. She’s not the same overpowered psycho bitch in the real world as she is in Limbo. For Madelyne, that means she’ll either kill the X-men or get her ass kicked. I’m pretty sure either outcome will make her panties wet. I gotta say, psycho bitch or not, that’s pretty fucking brilliant. She can be both strategic and sexy. General Patton himself would approve.

But even Patton would probably say that the rest of the X-men outside Limbo are fucked. When Magik comes in riding a demonic Nightcrawler, she goes to work kicking a lot of ass. The X-men are caught completely off-guard. I’m pretty sure that no Danger Room scenario prepares them for Colossus’ crazy sister attacking with a demon-corrupted Nightcrawler.

The battle that unfolds is pretty fucking epic. It finally gives a chance for a few other notable X-men characters to show up. Cyclops and Jean Grey are among them, who only showed up briefly in the first issue. Others like Psylocke, Captain Britain, Banshee, Storm, Rogue, and Mystique show up. They don’t say much, but they do help contribute to the scale and scope of the battle. And finding out that Magik turned Nightcrawler against them gives it some dramatic weight that just adds frosting on top of the awesome.

The battle unfolds pretty quickly and is somewhat rushed at times. It still takes time to highlight Magik’s efforts to become an even bigger cunt, tormenting the likes of Captain Britain and Rogue. And she does it with the glee of a toddler in an oversized ball pit. There’s no internal conflict. There’s no ambiguity. She’s just an evil, sadistic cunt.

Nobody makes an effort to reach out to her like Colossus would and why should they? She twisted the soul of Nightcralwer and turned him into a World of Warcraft boss battle. There’s no redemption from that shit. On top of that, she’s trying to break the force field that’s keeping the rest of Limbo taking a massive demonic shit on the whole world. The X-men can’t be kind anymore so Cyclops does what he does best besides pissing off Wolverine. He rallies the X-men to him and urges them to fight the demon army. It’s still somewhat rushed, but the epic scale is never in doubt.

While the X-men do rally around Cyclops in a way they probably wish they had during Avengers vs. X-men, they quickly encounter a complication. Some of the X-men ended up abandoning their posts, leaving parts of their base vulnerable. They thought Magik couldn’t get there because of the shielding and to an extent they’re right. They just didn’t account for her having a giant teleporting Nighcrawler monster to help get her through. Again, who can blame him? Who could really anticipate Magik being this much of a cunt?

Armed with Nightcrawler’s teleportation powers, Magik teleports inside the building and confronts Beast and Dr. Strange. After giving them a brief moment to shit themselves, they attack. Keep in mind, the rest of the X-men are occupied with her demon army. From a pure strategic standpoint, this is pretty fucking smart. Most teenagers can barely strategize enough to win a game of dodge ball. Magik may be a cunt, but she’s a very cunning cunt.

Back in limbo, the situation is still pretty tense. It gets so tense that Domino has to take Colossus aside to give him a little pep talk that may or may not involve shoving her boobs in his face to calm him down. She keeps her top on sadly, but she’s able to give Colossus some badly needed perspective. It’s exactly concise, but it delivers a clear message. This battle is about more than his desire to save his sister. There’s a lot more at stake and being pissed off about it isn’t going to help, especially when they’re trapped in Limbo.

It leads to a nice, romantic moment that feels perfectly in line with the relationship Colossus and Domino have developed to this point. It still feels like some issues are left unresolved, namely how Colossus can still hope to save his sister after the shit she’s done. For that, even Domino’s boobs might not be enough.

Before things with Domino and Colossus get too R-rated, Madelyne Pryor drops in to inform them that the situation with the X-men has entered a new level of shit. The force field that held Magik’s demonic forces back is down, thanks to her sneak attack against Beast and Dr. Strange. Now the full force of her army can invade and crush the X-men. At this stage of the game, she’s gotta be feeling pretty good. If tormenting the X-men makes her giddy, she’ll need a shit-ton of heroin to bring her down.

Cyclops, who is bound by a wheelchair mind you, still tries to return to the base and stop her. Even without his legs, he’s still determined to fight. But he probably wishes he had the Phoenix Force or something like it because Magik makes clear that she’s won and his neck is ripe for snapping. I’m sure Doom would approve.

This all seems to be going to shit really fast. It comes dangerously close to being too fucked and not in the classic Die Hard way either. However, there’s one last twist that adds a few shit stains to the underwear of this story. There are actually other forces involved beyond demons, Limbo, and crazy psycho bitches. What could possibly be more powerful than demons and psycho bitches? How about Sinister?

It fits beautifully. He’s a man who makes clones of crazy psycho bitches on the weekends. And he hints that he’s been pulling a few strings through this demon-powered shit storm. He doesn’t offer much more than that, but his presence alone is like putting lace panties on Beyonce’s ass. It just makes something that’s already beautiful more tantalizing.

As a whole, this issue felt like getting a lap dance from a sexy demon who later sucked out your soul through your dick. And yet, it would still be worth it. This series, with its excessive use of demons and demon-loving women, has found a way to be more fun than a plate of bacon and a bottle of Jack Daniels. It deals with some pretty dark themes. It’s hard to get much darker than demon armies invading from hell. Yet it still finds a way to be fun. That’s like making a vacation to North Korea fun. It’s quite an accomplishment.

It didn’t do anything to try and redeem Magik, nor did it try. It’s taken a while, but it’s finally gotten to the point where even Colossus is willing to concede that his sister has become an evil, sadistic bitch. It also expanded the scope and scale of the battle, getting more of the X-men involved and putting them in in a Lord of the Rings style struggle. It came dangerously close to getting pretty damn hopeless, but the twist at the end with Sinister threw in an extra shot of tequila. Of all the Secret Wars tie-ins for X-men, this one is setting itself apart in all the right ways. It might not make pretty girls think twice about hooking up with demons, as the Kardashians have shown. But it’ll still make for an awesome story. I give Inferno #3 an 8 out of 10. Now maybe Colossus will stop trying to save his sister and give her an overdue spanking. Maybe he can do the same for Domino afterwards, but in a way she’ll enjoy. Nuff said!