Thursday, September 15, 2016

All-New X-men #13: Nuff Said!

Let's face it. We love redemption stories almost as much as we love underdog stories. Why else would Disney be inclined to give is three Mighty Ducks movies? That same part of us that roots for the psycho killer in a slasher movie also wants to see the bad guys redeem themselves. It worked for Return of the Jedi and everything since then has been trying to match it.

Sadly, Kid Apocalypse is no Darth Vader and O5 Iceman is no Neil Patrick Harris. There are no shitty prequels that hint that either of them may be more than just unlucky and under-developed. Kid Apocalypse had a chance to change his fate during Apocalypse Wars. He fucked that up, courtesy of O5 Beast. Now, he's back in the future and still doomed to become the genocidal asshat whose movie failed to out-gross Deadpool. It's a sad state of affairs to say the least, but just because he's screwed doesn't mean O5 Iceman has to share the same fate.

In All-New X-men #13, Kid Apocalypse attempts to cope with his shitty state by doing something awesome. He's going to try and get O5 Iceman laid. What kind of future genocidal madman do such a thing? The awesome kind, that's who.

With help from Idie, Kid Apocalypse sets out on a new mission that probably won't change his future, but it will help his friend get laid so it's not a total loss. They take O5 Iceman to Miami, a very gay-friendly city. I would know. I've yet to find a city that as many gay clubs as they have ass bleaching services. It's like one never-ending Lady Gaga concert. It's basically perfect for O5 Iceman to channel his inner Clay Akin and not have to worry about the Todd Akins of the world.

It's a chance O5 Iceman should be positively giddy over. Hell, he's giddy about most other shit. His entire history with the X-men involves him being an immature little shit. This time, however, he's more nervous than I am when I have to take a sobriety test the day after St. Patrick's Day. It's actually pretty revealing in that it brings out a different side of Bobby Drake. It's one who doesn't come off as a poor man's Spider-Man for once. He even reveals his bad history with dating women. It's probably the most personal he's ever gotten in a comic without being psychically manipulated by Emma Frost.

As nice as it is to see O5 Iceman show a little depth beyond being a half-rate class clown, he doesn't really put much energy into his first gay outing. Despite Idie going out of her way to introduce him to a few open-minded studs, he chickens out faster than vegan at a butcher shop. They manage to make him at least talk to these guys, which is usually not too hard for O5 Iceman. He ends up talking about cheese and McNuggts. It's not nearly as gay as it sounds.

If anything, it's downright forced. For someone who claims to finally be out and proud, he shows the same awkwardness around men as he does with women. I want to have sympathy for him, but as a man who finds Brad Pitt attractive, I can only offer so much.

So if O5 Iceman isn't going to cooperate, Kid Apocalypse is still going to find a way to be awesome. That means he's going to forget about how O5 Beast fucked him over and dance his troubles away in a gay club in Miami. By the horribly skewed standards of the Marvel universe, this is probably the healthiest way I've ever seen a future tyrant deal with his issues.

O5 Iceman can learn a thing or two from Kid Apocalypse. That's right. The future tyrant of the mutant race has valuable lessons for O5 Iceman at this point. That's the state he's in right now. How sad is that? He continues to ignore these lessons and tries to ditch the two awesome friends who are trying desperately to get him laid. Some people are just ungrateful fucks I guess.

He does manage to finally talk to someone in ways that don't involve what kind of fast food he enjoys. He lets Idie and Kid Apocalypse dance their problems away while he brags about his exploits with the X-men to a guy at a bar. I imagine the exploits of a superhero are intriguing to people of every major orientation. It beats listening to someone talk about that time their ex threw lit firecrackers in your car.

Then, just as it seems O5 Iceman is going to have his first Glee moment, he freaks out again. He goes all icy and makes a total fool of himself. I know O5 Iceman has a knack for being foolish, but at least he generally avoids being pathetic while he's at it. He doesn't avoid it this time. I may not be gay, but even I know freaking the fuck out is a dick move.

He ends up running out of the club as quickly as he can and into the back ally, which is stupid because that's how half of all horror movies and 85 percent of all porn, gay or straight, starts out. Lucky for him, he doesn't run into a guy in a hockey mask with a chainsaw. He just runs into a cute guy his age named Romeo. With a name like that, you get the feeling this can only end in tragedy.

It doesn't start out too tragic though. Again, O5 Iceman manages to have a meaningful conversation with a fellow gay guy. This time, he doesn't create a big fucking blizzard to kill everyone else's boners. I guess that counts as progress. They share some awkward man-love stories, none of which involve Ted Haggard or Catholic priests, so they seem to have some healthy similarities. Could this be O5 Iceman's chance to finally get a real taste of quality man love?

Sadly, the mood is ruined when a demon moth creature attacks. No, that's not a metaphor for an impromptu Trump rally. A demon moth creature actually attacks for no reason, out of nowhere, and completely without context. It's as contrived as it sounds.

This is where the story about O5 Iceman's first night out as an open gay guy basically goes to shit. Instead of seeing him go through some actual personal growth, we see him, Idie, and Kid Apocalypse fight a demon moth creature. At a time when the X-men are based in a fucking demon realm, this is like ninjas attacking Jack and Rose on the Titanic. It makes no fucking sense.

It's a bad night for O5 Iceman. It's a bad night for the X-men in general, having to fight another demon moth. There can't be too many ways to make it worse, right? Well, there is one way. How about an appearance by the fucking Racist Xenophobic Slave Owners whose other name I refuse to acknowledge on this blog? Yeah, those fuckers who Marvel keeps trying to push show up because apparently, the first gay guy O5 Iceman connects with happens to be one of them.

While this blog may give other impression, I'm actually a pretty calm and forgiving guy. I try not to get too petty and pissed off over certain people who aren't Fox News anchors. I can only try so much with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. I'm sorry, but I just can't be reasonable with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners.

Romeo ends up putting down the demon moth in the least entertaining way possible. Turns out he's an empath of sorts and he uses that to calm the damn thing down whereas Wolverine would've just stabbed it. The difference is one is boring as fuck and the other is totally badass, yet Marvel still wonders why nobody likes the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners as much as the X-men?

On top of that, Romeo actually busts O5 Iceman's balls and not in a sexy way for attacking the demon moth. Well it's not like the fucking thing tried to hug them when it showed up. What the fuck was he supposed to do? I wish O5 Iceman had pointed that out, but it's too late. Romeo still tries to argue that his kind don't hate mutants. They just can't be bothered to do jack shit about the big fucking cloud that's poisoning them. Really? If that's not hate on some levels, then I'll quit drinking tonight.

So thanks to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, everything that was interesting about this comic and all the boners it may have inspired are gone. O5 Iceman still gets Roemo's number, but I imagine it's going to be hard building a relationship around someone who rubs elbows with Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. Dude, their giant fart cloud is killing his friends and his entire fucking race. I know love is supposed to conquer all, but love has its limits when genocide and legal issues over movie rights come into play. it awesome?

This comic is bound to piss off every anti-gay, family values, religious asshole from here to Mississippi. I can already here them crying like school girls in a room of spiders saying, "How dare a superhero comic not conform to my bullshit religious values! Now I have to have unpleasant conversations with my children! Why? WHY must I be inconvenienced like this?" It makes Glenn Beck cry. It makes Rick Santorum sick. It makes Mike Huckabee angry. In that sense, this book is a gift to the human race.

As an actual comic, however, it falls somewhat flat and the presence of the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners doesn't help. I get that there's some Shakespearean appeal to falling in love with someone from a forbidden society. Hell, the guy's name is Romeo for crying out loud. That appeal ends when one of the families belongs to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners whose fart cloud is poisoning all of Iceman's friends and fellow X-men and they're not doing jack shit about it. But I digress.

Other than fighting a demon creature, O5 Iceman and Romeo don't really don't accomplish much other than being able to form coherent sentences with one another. That's good for a one night stand, gay or straight. It's shitty for pretty much everything beyond that. I like that O5 Iceman gets a chance to play the field, but the fact that the only like-minded stud he could find in Miami was a Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owner is pretty fucked.

Final Score: 4 out of 10


  1. How old are these kids? Don't they check ID in the bar in the Marvel U?

  2. I'm surprised you didn't mention how the freak out scene is basically ... um ... "pre-ejactulation." HAHAH

  3. Hi buddy, it me again. I have last time completly forgot to tell here something.
    It about how you wrote that Inhuman scum (thats how i call them) didnt doin anything about their poison gas, i just want to clarified one thing abot it: Inhuman scum actually refuse, REFUSE to do anything about it.
    So you are completly right about that hate (so you dont need to quit drinking tonight)and i have another reason for seeing Inhuman scum as villains.

    Ps. I saw that you readin that Superman/X-men Evolution crosover. Me too and i like it.

  4. I think jack that the demon moth could have come from Limbo. After all Maddie is doing things in the back ground and is coming soon

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