Scanned Thoughts: Amazing X-men #18

There are certain people who should never be given a certain kind of power. We all learned that the hard way through two terms of George W. Bush’s presidency. It’s not always an issue of power corrupting. It’s just an issue of bad combinations. Nitro on its own is fine. Glycerin on its own as fine. But when put together, shit can get pretty volatile. In that context, the power of Juggernaut is like weapons grade plutonium. There aren’t a whole lot of people who can or should ever have that kind of power. But some are less qualified than others.

Cain Marko was already horribly under-qualified during his stint as Juggernaut. So now that the power of Juggernaut is up for grabs again, the bar is set pretty damn low. That didn’t stop Cyttorak from trying to lower it even more when it called out to an army of known sociopaths to gorge on it. The X-men did their best to stop them, but in the end the Living Monolith was the lucky winner. As bad as Cain Marko was, making him the Juggernaut is like giving the Hulk nuclear weapons. It’s fucking overkill. But overkill can still be pretty damn awesome. Amazing X-men #18 is in a position to reinforce that while settling who gets to wear the goofy helmet. I guess all the unstoppable power in the world can’t overcome awful fashion tastes.

I won’t say the Living Monolith’s look as Juggernaut counts as an improvement, but it’s still pretty fucking terrifying. An average-sized Juggernaut was bad enough. A giant sized, Attack on Titan sized Juggernaut is overkill in a way that even Donald Trump would find excessive. He’s not just big. He’s armed with the unstoppable bloodlust of Cyttorak. He’s now powerful enough to tear the world a new asshole and make it constipated. It truly is a pants-shitting level of unstoppable, as it should be for any story involving Juggernaut.

The X-men are understandably shell-shocked. They entered this fight with the intention of preventing shit like this. Instead, they failed to stop the absolute worst case scenario that didn’t involve giving Blob a sponge bath. It’s as epic a failure the X-men have ever had without one of them being senselessly killed off. So how do they deal with it? How can they possible confront such an unstoppable threat? They’re not just going  to sit down over a camp fire and try to talk it out, right?

Well shave my balls, put makeup on my dick, and cast me in the next Pixar movie because that’s exactly what they do. Seriously, Storm decides to just sit down and lament. And it’s not over the fact they now have an overpowered Juggernaut to deal with. She laments about being in such a shitty mood lately. Ignoring for a moment that her lover just died, this is not a good time to dwell on shit like this. I was expecting someone to pick her up, but the rest of the X-men end up joining her. They even share fond memories of that special time when Storm shared Emma Frost’s fondness for nudity.

Look, I enjoy memories of a naked Storm as much as the next guy, but this is too much WTF for a crisis. I get that the X-men are overwhelmed by the threat of a Living Monolith Juggernaut. But this just really derails the plot. To be fair, Rockslide and Cain Marko point that out. It doesn’t make the volume of WTFs involved any less egregious.

Firestar actually starts a campfire while the Living Monolith is soaking in his new power and preparing to wipe his ass with the entire world. They just shrug it off while they review other overwhelming threats that they had to overcome. They all agree that none has been more powerful or sucked more ass than this. Sure, they’ve fought giant robots, but none of those robots had the power of the fucking Juggernaut.

They do eventually start spit-balling ideas, still managing to ignore the big ass Juggernaut just over the horizon. It makes me wonder why the fuck the Living Monolith doesn’t try to step on them like bugs. It’s like they’re daring him to come up with a way to stop him. Even with unstoppable power, that’s a dumb move. It’s not too dumb in the sense most of their ideas suck. However, it does give them a chance to address some of the personal issues that emerged at the beginning of the story. Storm was pretty harsh with Colossus in saying he should sit this one out. He disobeyed her, but she’s not in a mood to bust his balls. She ends up apologizing, but not before noting that he also had a nasty tendency to sacrifice himself when shit like the Juggernaut is involved. And after Wolverine’s death, they don’t need to deal with that shit again.

They keep on talking, going through more fucked up ideas like calling in Magik or asking the Scarlet Witch to help. Because it’s not like the Scarlet Witch hasn’t royally fucked up the Marvel universe on two separate occasions or something. I have to imagine at this point that the Living Monolith must be twiddling his thumbs or taking a piss because eventually, they do come up with a viable idea. And it doesn’t involve inversions, genocide, or getting seduced by Dr. Doom.

Colossus actually gets a little existential on Juggernaut, questioning his and Cyttorak’s motivations. He starts to sound like one of those hippie protesters that whine about rampant consumerism while waiting six hours in line to get a new iPhone, but he does make a valid point. Cyttorak gives power to Juggernaut because he wants destruction and chaos. But to what end? Has anyone even bothered to ask this question? Has Cytorrak ever asked himself this question? I know it sounds like I just had a few extra shrooms, but it’s not a bad question to ask.

It actually makes the idea of sitting around a camp fire and thinking about this shit have merit. It takes away some of the WTFs in that it produces something that’s genuinely worthwhile. They all agree that the key to stopping Juggernaut is to get Cytorrak to reassess his goals. They’re basically going to try and be a guidance counselor to a rebellious teenager. That’s only slightly less daunting than taking on the Living Monolith.

The X-men then finally get up off their asses and start doing something about this. While Colossus agrees to confront Cytorrak, most of the X-men decide to battle the Living Monolith. They figure he’s done twiddling his thumbs and is ready to start crushing shit. The battle is on a fairly epic scale and it’s got plenty of firepower with Storm, Nightcrawler, Iceman, Firestar, Northstar, and Rockslide. It’s still horribly one-sided though. They know they’re not going to stop a Juggernaut-powered Living Monolith. They just need to keep him occupied and not get killed. It’s still a basic tactic for the X-men in a Juggernaut fight, but it’s a classic for a reason.

While the X-men Living Monolith are now finally doing something meaningful, Colossus gets help from Rachel Grey and Pixie to call upon Cyttorak. He’s not exactly happy to see his former champion. He seems perfectly happy to have a new champion that happens to be the size of a skyscraper. Hell, I’m surprised he doesn’t have a full-on rage boner. But then Colossus starts asking him the same existential questions he asked his team earlier. Cain Marko is even there with him. Like a Jehovah’s Witness trying to convince a teenage boy to stop looking at internet porn, he tries to get Cyttorak to think about his next failed champion. It’s not entirely wrong, given his perfectly imperfect track record. And unlike Jehovah’s Witnesses, he doesn’t just slam the door in his face or turn the garden hose on him. So I guess the question resonates.

This might be the perfect opportunity to set Cyttorak down on the couch and help him have a nice Dr. Phil moment that he can later tell Oprah. Then Colossus gets a little too bold and offers a different challenge. He dares Cyttorak to give him more power than he’s ever given any one of his champions before. He then says he won’t use that power to cause chaos and destruction. He’ll use it to kill Cyttorak. First, let me just say that the universe isn’t big enough to contain Colossus’ balls anymore. Let’s get that out of the way. Second, this is either the craziest dare made since A Christmas Story or the smartest.

Cyttorak must be either crazy or dumb because he accepts Colossus’ challenge. It’s actually a pretty amazing moment. The X-men aren’t just out to fight Juggernaut this time. They’re out to stop him at the source. They’re not fighting the symptoms anymore. They’re fighting the disease. It is a change to the classic formula that past Juggernaut battles have followed, but it’s a meaningful change. It took a while to get to it, but it’s starting to feel like it really has worth to it.

It succeeds in one key part. It removes the power of Juggernaut from the Living Monolith. That’s one huge problem solved. It’s a visceral, powerful moment that involves the Living Monolith getting knocked flat on his ass. Even though he didn’t get a chance to do a whole lot of damage as Juggernaut, it’s still pretty damn satisfying. If only he hadn’t been twiddling his thumbs while the X-men contemplated a way to screw him over, his defeat might have more impact. But he was already a douche before he became Juggernaut. Kicking his ass at any stage is still satisfying.

The only problem is that Cyttorak decided to take a page out of Darth Vader’s playbook and change the deal. Instead of giving this power to Colossus, he decided that he didn’t trust giving an X-man all that power. He must have read the original Phoenix Saga and knows it doesn’t end well. So instead, he gave Cain Marko the power he was going to give Colossus. Now Cain Marko has to be the one to destroy Cyttorak, if he still gives a shit at this point. Again, it’s both crazy and brilliant. Even if Cyttorak loses, Cain Marko is still unstoppable and the X-men are fucked. I’m guessing this means he can look forward to another massive rage boner.

Before this issue even began, it had a pretty epic foundation to build from. It was X-men versus Juggernaut. It’s right up there with Wolverine in a dick-measuring contest with Cyclops in terms of classic X-men themes. So far, the story has utilized a pretty basic yet pretty compelling method for carrying out this classic struggle. A new Juggernaut is about to emerge and the X-men try to stop it. But in this issue, the X-men dared to try a different approach. In a world where people riot over changes to the Coca Cola recipe, that can be dangerous. And I think what the X-men did here worked, at least in part.

I admit the idea of the X-men sitting around a camp fire and lamenting how fucked they are while a hulking Juggernaut rampages doesn’t appeal. It’s like watching Jerry Springer without any fights or strippers. It was one of those WTF moments akin to watching a couple of cops play Candy Crush on their phones while a gang war is going on. I understand that some cops won’t respond to anything that doesn’t involve giving out bullshit traffic tickets, but I hold the X-men to a higher standard. At least with this issue, they did get their shit together. And by finding another way, they actually made this classic struggle more intriguing. It took a while and it dragged like my dick on a hot summer day at a baseball game, but there was a solid payoff in the end. And it did offer a few revealing moments for certain characters. I give Amazing X-men #18 a 6 out of 10. I truly do wish that problems could be solved with a camp fire and a cooler full of beer. And I see the merits of taking a moment to think about dealing with a recurring problem. But like masturbation, there’s a time and a place for everything and it can get pretty damn awkward when people try it in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Amazing X-men #17

If the success of NASCAR has taught us anything, it should be that a good race will appeal to any demographic, no matter how drunk or white trash. When there’s something worth racing for, there’s an event worth watching. But the X-men deal with prizes that are way more valuable than a bottle of victory champagne, a shiny trophy, or even a kick-ass car that goes 250 miles-per-hour. That shit is all nice and goes well with any contest. But when the prize is becoming the unstoppable Juggernaut, beer and chicken wings just aren’t enough to cover the spectacle.

And it has been a hell of a spectacle so far in Amazing X-men. I won’t say it’s worthy of a pay-per-view fight between two naked porn stars over a dildo, but it’s getting very close. Cyttorak has been itching for a new avatar and he’s sent out notices to every power-hungry wannabe he can, including Cain Marko. I guess Cyttorak has a soft spot for nostalgia. He’s created a pretty fucked up race to get the gem and be the one to wear the goofy fish bowl helmet. The X-men are trying to end that race on a technicality at the very least and they’re doing it after sidelining Colossus. There’s a lot at stake. There has been plenty of action and a touch of drama. But like any good sporting event that’s worth watching while drunk, there has to be a winner. Amazing X-men #17 finally reveals the winner and the only cheering at this point is Cyttorak.

The X-men had to fought long and hard to stop a crop of prospective sociopaths looking to exercise their sociopathic tendencies from getting the gem. They weren’t exactly running up the score like a mismatched college football game. Then Cain Marko, the Coca Cola classic of Juggernauts, showed up to throw his hat in the ring, courtesy of Vanisher. He might not be as unstoppable as he once was, but he’s still capable of making the X-men’s job more difficult. Even without the power of Cytorrak, he shows he’s capable of kicking ass and looking a lot less goofy without the helmet.

At first, it looks like he’s going to help the X-men. It probably would’ve been more likely for PETA to sponsor a hot dog eating contest. Sure, he was able to take out a few would-be Juggernauts trying to get their hands on the gem of Cyttorak. Then he turned on the X-men, showing that he’s been Skyping with Hank McCoy because he claims they murdered Xavier. And yes, it’s the same Xavier he’s tried to murder on multiple occasions. I honestly want roll my eyes, but Hank McCoy has numbed me to this bullshit. It’s not like Xavier died yesterday. Cain Marko is just picking a really bad time to make this an issue. I guess being unstoppable doesn’t make someone proactive.

Cain Marko does complicate the battle, but it still has plenty of other ongoing complications. There are still other wannabe Juggernauts and a few Cyttorak-powered monsters looking to make the X-men miserable. They’re doing an okay job, but then Storm reminds them that she tends to get pissed when she’s miserable. And when she gets pissed, lightning tends to find vulnerable asses. She shows that the smart people know when to get the fuck out of her way. But one in particular isn’t quite that smart and decides to keep annoying her. He’s wearing a cloak so we don’t know who he is, but he’s someone who does make his presence known for a reason. Storm just make sure it hurts.

Storm isn’t the only one dealing with prospective Juggernauts not named Cain Marko. Firestar isn’t quite as badass as Storm, but she’s a pretty redhead who can burn her enemies to a crisp in a non-Jean Grey sort of way. That counts for something. What doesn’t count is her actually trying to reason with one of the prospective Juggernauts. She actually tries to convince him to walk away first, using reason and appealing to logic. That shit doesn’t even work on a message board. Did she really expect it to work against a sociopath?

Okay, so Firestar is not as efficient or competent as Storm. But she still has plenty of firepower and she’s able to use it against this asshole who won’t listen to reason. It just feels as though she could’ve skipped a couple steps so she could help her friends against Cain Marko. But I guess that would’ve made too much sense.

It’s during this fight that made too little sense that another complication enters the battle, but one that doesn’t involve poor reasoning skills. Before this battle began, Storm made it a point to sideline Colossus. She said outright that she didn’t trust him. Not only was he a former avatar for Juggernaut, he was also a member of the Phoenix Five who never really paid or apologized for what he did. He just waltzed back into the Jean Grey Institute and they accepted him.

While it was way overdue for him to face some shit for his role as Juggernaut, Colossus didn’t like being sidelined for this mission. He listened at first, but he had to know on some levels that a super-strong guy like him can’t stay away from a battle that involves Juggernaut. So he convinced Pixie to teleport him to the temple. And he shows up just in time to lend Firestar a hand. He also does it without appealing to reason. He just lets the guy get in one measly punch while Pixie sends him to some hostile hellish landscape, most likely downtown Detroit. It effectively takes one complication out of the equation, but Colossus’ presence adds another and is sure to piss off Storm. And as she’s already shown, she’s dangerous when she’s pissed off.

The crop of prospective Juggernauts is getting thinner, but Cain Marko is still the front-runner. The problem is even he goes about it in a laughably inefficient way. He goes out of his way to yell at the X-men for murdering Charles Xavier and again, the Jean Grey Institute staff admit that Cyclops did it in cold blood. They conveniently leave out the part where he was drunk on Phoenix Force. They also leave out the part where the Avengers and Charles Xavier were actively attacking him. It’s not like he killed him in his sleep or something. I guess these guys have been talking to Hank McCoy too much as well.

It’s another one of those aftermaths that’s way too fucking overdue. Like Storm calling Colossus out for his role in Avengers vs. X-men, Cain Marko took his sweet fucking time getting upset about this. Yet he chooses now of all times to take it out on someone? And he takes it out on those who actually tried to save Xavier? It really fucks with the flow of the battle.

But it doesn’t stay fucked up for long. Thanks to Rockslide, he’s able to shut Cain Marko up by crashing one of Cyttorak’s monsters into temple. It’s almost as effective as playing a One Direction song really loud over a stereo. It still comes a bit too late. At the very least, Rockslide helps lighten the mood. I think he knows as well as every X-men fan at this point that whining about who killed Charles Xavier is fucking old.

The problem is that crashing a monster into the temple isn’t enough to keep Cain Marko from the gem of Cyttorak. And the strange guy in the robe that Storm has been battling isn’t being slowed down either. He even drops a hint on who he is and that’s enough to change Storm’s mood from being pissed off to being in need of more lightning. It gets a little choppy, but it effectively sets up the final lap for the race to become the new Juggernaut.

This is where Colossus starts to contribute. Maybe this can count as his way of apologizing for being a member of the Phoenix Force and helping Cyclops commit the egregious crime of using cosmic power to create a global utopia. Because for some reason, his atonement must be that big. He takes on Cain Marko in what is probably the most visceral fight in the story to date. These are the two most notable Juggernauts going at it, trying to beat each other into submission. Cain Marko wants to wield its power. Colossus wants to destroy it. This is the kind of fight that has all the right meaning and emotions. It’s like the first Die Hard movie, minus Alan Rickman’s slick accent.

As awesome as the fight between Colossus and Cain Marko is, neither of them ends up getting what they want. Remember that guy Storm was fighting? Well he decides he’d rather work smart and not hard, something I’m sure Cyttorak appreciates immensely. So while the competition is busy beating the shit out of each other, he manages to take the gem. It’s a dick move, but I wouldn’t call it cheating. Even the NFL wouldn’t fine him for this. He just took advantage of his enemies’ oversights. That’s not cheating. Hell, that’s how investment banks get rich.

As this mysterious stranger is transforming into the new Juggernaut, Pixie coordinates with the rest of the X-men to get them the fuck out of the temple. They now understand that the race is over. They don’t stop to ask Pixie why the fuck she got caught up in this or why Colossus thought it was a good idea to undermine Storm’s direct order. I’m sure those questions are on their minds, but they really don’t have the time to make a big deal of it. When they’re in a collapsing temple, they just don’t have time for details. Just ask Indiana Jones.

Once they get outside, they find out along with Colossus, Storm, and Cain Marko who the new Juggernaut is. It’s hard to really say there’s a worst possible wielder when most of them end up with permanent rage boners anyways. But I think Ahmet Abool, the Living Monolith, definitely qualifies as the top five asshole that nobody wants to become Juggernaut. He doesn’t just look goofy as hell with that big dome on his head. He’s a giant fucking statue who was unstoppable to begin with. I think at this point, it’s okay for both Cain Marko and the X-men to honor Charles Xavier’s memory by fighting the urge to shit themselves.

I guess it’s safe to say the race is over and the victory party can begin, at least for the Living Monolith. I guess his idea of a party is the same as Godzilla’s. Him gaining the power of Juggernaut would be like giving the New England Patriots the defense of the 1985 Chicago Bears. It’s overkill to an extreme, but it’s an awesome extreme. Even Cain Marko has to admit that this is a shitty outcome and Cytorrak is a real asshole. But it still makes for a fun, action-packed story. It sets up what’s sure to be a victory party that’s as destructive as a Led Zepplin concert.

As eventful as it was, there was less drama this time. That’s understandable given the context of the story, but there wasn’t a whole lot of impact to Colossus showing up. Even after Storm made it clear that she didn’t trust him to not fuck shit up, he showed up and everybody just shrugged it off. There was still some drama, but it felt a bit too forced with Marko going all Hank McCoy about the death of Charles Xavier. Overall, there isn’t much complexity to this story. There really can’t be in a story that involves a fight against Juggernauts and living monoliths. That’s what makes it work. I give Amazing X-men #17 an 7 out of 10. So now a big fucking statue has the power of Juggernaut. If it weren’t such a blatant rip-off of Ghostbusters 2, it might actually be terrifying. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Amazing X-men #16

The lure of power is like the lure of a big-titted woman with Pamela Anderson’s breasts and Nicki Minaj’s ass. It’ll attract the right kind of people and the wrong kind of people, but it’s the wrong kind of people who will do the craziest shit to get it. Following that logic, the power of Juggernaut is like an entire army of nymphomaniac clones of Jessica Alba, Hallie Berry, and Scarlett Johannson. It’s been unleashed on the world and will only serve one. Cyttorak is like a crack addict and a compulsive gambler on a bender in Vegas who needs a new avatar to scratch that itch, but he’s willing to offer takers way more than a blowjob. Colossus already had a bad experience with this guy and he barely managed to escape without getting crabs. Now in Amazing X-men #16, a long list of new Juggernauts that range from a typical sociopath to the kind of person who would’ve participated in a circle jerk with Pol Pot and Hitler are lining up to be the new Juggernaut. I don’t have any crack at the moment, but I’ve got plenty of popcorn so I can enjoy the show.

Even crack might not be as strong as the lure of Juggernaut’s power. While the X-men are trying to prevent anyone from wearing that goofy helmet again, Cyttorak is calling out to every power-hungry asshole in the world. To them, the lure of Juggernaut’s unstoppability is like catnip dipped in crystal meth. They don’t need to understand it or obsess over the risks. They just need to know it’s there for the taking and how many people they’ll have to kill to get it. It’s not like Cain Marko set the bar that high anyways. If nothing else, being Juggernaut gives them the ability to bang She-Hulk and that alone should provide extra incentive.

This certainly promises to complicate the X-men’s efforts to stop Cyttorak. That shit has already become pretty damn complicated thanks to some big demonic creature that looks like it got cut from the last Devil May Cry game. It’s basically a guard dog for the Temple of Cyttorak. But instead of harassing postal workers, it tries to rip intruders to shreds and pick its teeth with their bones. I guess for Cytorrak, it’s an appropriate defense mechanism. I still would like to have something like this to keep the Jehovah’s Witnesses from visiting, but that might be asking for too much.

Being so appropriate, it makes for a nice battle with the X-men. It’s not epic on the level of a drinking contest between Wolverine and Ozzy Osborne, but it fits the scope of the conflict. Nobody is going to think that the X-men having to fight a giant monster guarding Juggernaut’s power is underwhelming. It also doesn’t try to do anything beyond that and it shouldn’t. We’ve seen what happens when stories go beyond their scale. The last two Transformers movies are proof of that.

This battle against the monster actually ends up being a secondary concern because some of those power-hungry psychopaths that Cyttorak called out to show up. In fact, it turns out they were there before the X-men. They just waited for the X-men to occupy the big ass creature inside because they didn’t want to waste any bullets or manpower. That, my friends, is called working smart and not hard.

This forces the X-men to leave Rockslide to take care of the monster. Yes, that’s the same Rockslide that has the maturity of a high school freshman with an attitude problem. Maybe this counts as his detention for his shitty grades. I still say it’s better than having to take study hall with my old algebra teacher. But now we’ve got a more complicated battle between the X-men and a diverse set of enemies. I’m going to need more popcorn for this.

As enjoyable as this unfolding battle has been, there’s still room for a little melodrama. Even the last Godzilla movie took the time to add a personal touch. And this one is actually pretty damn relevant. Colossus, who happened to be the previous Juggernaut, was ordered by Storm to sit this battle out in the previous issue. She made clear that he’s still on a short leash and she hasn’t forgotten that he has a nasty history with Cyttorak. He didn’t take it well to say the least, but he did honor Storm’s request.

By that I mean he honored it for no more than 15 minutes. After the team leaves, he decides Storm’s orders are fucked and tries to convince Pixie to teleport him to the temple. At first, she refuses. She’s not exactly inclined to help Colossus, whose sister once took part of her soul. That would be alike agreeing to help clean an ex-girlfriend’s gutters. It ends up making for a nice moment of vulnerability with Colossus. He shows his weakness in the face of so much strength. It’s part of what makes him so likable as a character. Pixie, despite being a teenage girl, is still capable of being reasonable. So long as nobody tries to take another piece of her soul, she’s willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

That bit of melodrama isn’t any longer than it has to be. That’s a good thing because there are still way too many awesome battles going on to waste time hearing Pixie whine. These battles aren’t mindless slap fights either. There’s even an attempt to explore other issues, like when Nightcrawler confronts Northstar about being pissed at the Scarlet Witch’s earlier presence at the Institute. It’s not an unreasonable issue to have, even during a battle. It’s just one that doesn’t get resolved because they end up getting their asses kicked by a woman named Man-Killer, who is basically a less charming version of She-Hulk.

But those attempts aren’t overdone. The focus is still on the fighting and the new enemies the X-men are up against. That’s refreshing because it usually takes a gentle breeze or a strong cup of coffee to make these kinds of stories go way off-track. Not only does it stay cohesive, there’s still an effort to mix in a little humor when Iceman points out just how many villains have mental shields now. It’s like telepaths have saturated the market like Frozen and too many people are sick of it to be affected anymore.

Most of these battles against these new enemies result in the X-men getting pwned, but it’s not completely unbalanced. Firestar manages to avoid becoming another Princess Peach with her new enemy. It helps keep the battle from getting too predictable while still being something I guy like me can follow while stoned. It’s still not overly epic, but it doesn’t have to be. Firestar punching Crossbones in the face should be entertaining enough for anybody.

As these battles against these new enemies unfold, Rockslide is still stuck dealing with the temple’s oversized guard dog. He’s still an immature dick about it, but that’ to be expected. He is a little overwhelmed at first, but he eventually lets his balls hang a bit and gets in a few shots. It’s another way to keep the fight properly balanced. It even impresses the creature, who tries to tempt Rockslide with Juggernaut’s power. Because what could possibly go wrong with giving unstoppable power to an immature teenage boy? He might as well give him an unlimited supply of illegal fireworks.

It all makes for a balanced struggle on both fronts and when something like the power of Juggernaut is at stake, that’s exactly how it should be. Some of the new enemies got in a few lucky blows early on, but the X-men fight respond as they so often do. Nobody says or does anything too memorable though. This is where not trying to be too epic has its drawbacks. Nobody is going to look at this as an iconic moment 25 years in the future. It’s like vanilla ice cream. It doesn’t have any exotic flavors, but it’s still good.

There are also other twists that help mix things up a bit. More hideous Devil May Cry rejects swarm the intruders, attacking anyone who was hoping that seizing unstoppable power would be as easy as picking up a pizza. It shows that the new enemies responding to Cyttorak’s call didn’t work smart enough, leaving Storm as the one who has to take care of these beasts. It complicates the struggle for both sides, but helps add to overall the entertainment value because who doesn’t love watching Storm pwn a swarm of hideous monsters? That’s what goddesses do every other Sunday.

Before the battle starts to drag, the situation escalates. The X-men are able to subdue some of the would-be Juggernauts, but some have more trouble than others. Nightcrawler and Northstar are dangerously overmatched by Man-Killer. I’m pretty sure their balls shrank just by being near her. And Iceman and Rachel have a hard time subduing Jinn. They’re all starting to get impatient. They know if that they keep dicking around, someone is just going to take Juggernaut’s power and laugh their ass off all the way to the nearest bank.

This ends up happening, courtesy of an all-too familiar figure. Of all these potential Juggernauts to make a grab for this unstoppable power, one manages to outsmart them all. And his name is Cain Marko. Yeah, he’s a douche-bag who holds a grudge, but there’s a reason why he was such an effective Juggernaut. He was both strong and smart. In this case, that means using Vanisher, a mutant who has stayed as far away from this sort of shit as possible, to appear in the temple. I want to say that’s cheating, but I can’t argue with results. As Bill Belichick has shown, cheaters do sometimes win.

There was a lot of action and a lot of fighting here. In some cases, it felt like the last half-hour of a Jackie Chan movie. That’s no at all a bad thing. There were a lot of enemies attacking all at once, hoping to get a taste of that sweet Juggernaut nectar. It’s easy for a battle like this to become more mindless and chaotic than a Power Rangers rerun. But that didn’t happen here. Everything remained concise and focused. It never went overboard. It never tried too hard to be epic. It was plenty perfectly balanced and as satisfying as a cold beer on a hot summer day.

It shouldn’t sound like such a novel concept. It really shouldn’t. But with so many comics these days trying to be the next Phoenix Saga, few are content with just focusing on making the story as awesome as it needs to be. It’s like they’re trying to cook a steak for Gordon Ramsey and put so much care into the presentation that they never took the time to make sure the steak actually tasted good. I think if Gordon Ramsey tasted this story, he wouldn’t break any dishes. He wouldn’t give it its own restaurant either. This story is still lacking and a bit disorganized at times, but it’s still as satisfying as a juicy steak can be. I give Amazing X-men #16 an 8 out of 10. This book just plain worked and sometimes that’s the most reasonable standard we can have in this age of reboots, re-launches, and retcons. The only serious flaw this book had was that it made me hungry for a steak. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Amazing X-men #15

When it comes to the many villains of the X-men comics, Juggernaut is to X-men what Tequila is to alcohol. It can be good in brief shots, but it doesn't take much to get really fucking sick of him and never want to have anything to do with the guy again. He's not a very interesting character, even if he is powerful as fuck. He's got an attitude that would fit right in with the Oakland Raiders, albeit with much greater offensive output. I'm not saying that Juggernaut is a bad character. I'm just saying he hasn't been relevant since he banged She-Hulk.

But I think enough time has passed from that boner-killing incident to bring him back into the picture. Since Colossus hung up his dome-shaped helmet, Juggernaut hasn't been a factor in the X-men comics. But there's never a shortage of anyone seeking the power to be an unstoppable asshole. We just have to hope that Justin Bieber never gets his hands on that power. Amazing X-men #15 is set to bring Juggernaut back into the world of X-men. Now there's no Charles Xavier and no Cain Marko to hate him. That means the slate it clean to be another unstoppable asshole to take on the mantle.

It's a bit mantle full of fucked-up situations and grotesque bloodlust. And since some fans have probably suppressed memories of the inglorious way Colossus' stint at Juggernaut ended after Avengers vs. X-men, it helps to get a bit of a refresher course in his history. There's some nice flashbacks about Cyttorak, the mystical god-like being that grants his avatars with unstoppable power. It's nothing that can't be gleaned from Wikipedia, but it uses pretty pictures and badass depictions of the creature himself. So I say it's still worth showing, even if it can be easily skipped by most X-men fans. We know what fuels the Juggernaut. We know Cain Marko was once Juggernaut and Charles Xavier had to fight him. So why should we give a shit about a new Juggernaut?

Well one important detail to remember from this little flashback is that Cyttorak is one of those gods that loves being worshipped the same way Donald Trump loves hair gel. Like a good blowjob, he just can't get enough of it. Since Colossus gave up his helmet, there's nobody left to give Cyttorak his divine brand of fillatio. So being the determined, competent god-like begin, Cyttorak creates another gem and sends it somewhere it can be found. It would probably be most effective if it made it appear as an overpriced piece of jewelry in a sore that Paris Hilton shops at, but that might be too competent. So he has it appear in some Indiana Jones style ancient ruins for a bunch of cut-throat tomb robbers to find. Again, far be it from me to question the decisions of a deranged god, but I still think there are far more effective ways in finding someone seeking to be unstoppable assholes. Maybe next time Cyttorak should just try hosting a reality show. That would work just as well.

This activity doesn't go unnoticed either. Enter Cyttorak's last unstoppable prison bitch, Colossus. He's been basically gotten through his stint as Juggernaut unphased. Not only did everybody completely absolve him of any responsibility for what he did as Juggernaut or as one of the Phoenix Five, but he seems to have suffered no ill-effects. It even led to him boning Domino on a regular basis. Sure, he lost Kitty Pryde, but she's now boning another guy named Peter so I still think that counts as only a partial defeat. However, some of those ill-effects finally catches up with him at the worst possible time.

Shortly after a secret booty call from Domino, he has a vision of the new gem of Cyttorak. It's probably the worst possible mood killer that doesn't involve a surprise visit from grandparents or a Mormon intervention. Domino, who is not on good terms with the X-men at the moment, is as confused as she is naked. This doesn't stop Colossus from channeling his inner artist to do a quick painting of the new location of the gem of Cyttorak. And when a mystical gem takes priority over a naked Domino, it's a bad sign that a nasty shit storm is coming.

As it just so happens, magic is a hot topic around the Jean Grey Institute. With Piotr's sister rubbing elbows with Cyclops and being about as stable as spoiled rich teenage girl with a boob job and a crack addiction, the institute is in need of a new magic master. There aren't exactly applicants lining up around the block. Pixie is the only one with marginal skill. It's so marginal that they invite the fucking Scarlet Witch to visit and give her lessons. I guess a woman responsible for the near-extinction of a race and the inversion of the entire X-men is welcome, but a guy like Cyclops who tried to use the Phoenix Force to fix all the world's problems is not. That's 10 steps beyond a double standard, but I digress.

The Scarlet Witch isn't much of a teacher because Pixie's spell fails miserably and hilariously on Rockslide, who has quickly become the Toad of the X-men. But her involvement certainly bodes well for her ability to contribute in an issue like Juggernaut, where magic is the main source of all the property damage and broken bones. That said, if the X-men's options are only Pixie and the Scarlet Witch, they're already fucked in an unstoppable way.

Armed with the vision that ruined his afterglow with Domino, Colossus confronts Storm. It doesn't take much to convince her that this is a big fucking deal that needs to be dealt with in a big fucking way. However, she surprises Colossus when she tells him she's benching him for this fight. Because for the first time since Colossus just randomly showed up at the institute's front door, Storm reveals that she doesn't entirely trust him to handle a situation like this.

Now this sort of conversation is more overdue than Half-Life 3. When Colossus returned to the Jean Grey Institute, nobody batted a fucking eye. Finally, someone is reminding him that he was not only once the avatar for Cyttorak. He was once a fugitive who fought alongside Cyclops. Wolverine might have trusted him fully, but Storm can't afford to be that forgiving now that Wolverine is dead. She tells him he is being held to a different standard because so few on the team can say they were once Juggernaut who ended up becoming a wanted fugitive after waging war on the Avengers. It's way too fucking reasonable to be a dick move.

As late as it is, it still evokes some overdue emotions. This is the kind of conversation that they should've had back when Colossus first returned. He was part of the Phoenix Five. He was once Juggernaut. The X-men shouldn't just brush that sort of shit off. And Storm, while it does come off as cold, has a damn good reason for keeping him out of this. It's just a shame it took this fucking long to address. But I'm too high to whine about it anymore so I'll drop it.

Storm assembles a fairly robust team to take on this new Juggernaut or at least stop someone from becoming a new avatar. It's basically the same team that took on the Wendigo, including Iceman, Northstar, Rockslide, Nightcrawler, Storm, Firestar, and Rachel Grey. It's not exactly the most powerful team ever assembled, but they have a telepath that can get the job done. They don't seem all that worried either. There's almost a casual approach taking on the unstoppable Juggernaut. As far as they're concerned, it's as simple as knocking off the helmet and letting the pretty redhead do the rest. That might work for a True Blood rerun, but chances are something is going to fuck this plan up badly.

Colossus probably believes this more than anyone. He's certainly not happy about being benched, but he obeys Storm's decree initially. He decides to sit outside of Wolverine's office, which has since become a shrine of sorts where students leave flowers and beer cans. He's clearly thinking about giving the finger to Storm's order and throwing himself into the line of fire against the Juggernaut. He even gets some encouragement from a young student named Trance. She reminds him that Wolverine was probably benched from an important mission at least once a week by Cyclops. He honored that decree the same way baseball players honor the MLB's anti-steroid policy. It's a powerful and very negative message that's sure to piss off the moral crusaders. That's probably a good sign that it's the right thing to do.

Storm's team arrives at the exact location that Colossus envisioned. It's here where the story starts to slow down and drag somewhat. There's no big clash. There's no major fight that breaks out. They just hang around the exterior of the structure and then enter just in time to see a hideous Cyttorak-style monster that looks like an oversized booger. This should be horrifying, but the team reacts the same way most people react to news of another sex scandal involving a Congressman. It really has very little weight to it all.

This is kind of the main shortcoming of this story. It's dragging at this point and it's not doing anything that'll make anyone's balls sore in the morning. The X-men try to track down Cyttorak and a new Juggernaut, but they just end up facing some generic monster that could've easily been a rejected Godzilla enemy. It doesn't fall completely flat, but nobody's panties are going to be soaked by this battle just yet. That doesn't mean a dry pair shouldn't be kept handy.

Even if this monster is about as scary as a mutated My Little Pony villain, it's still a battle that Colossus wants to be part of. It's at this point he decides to channel the rebellious spirit of Wolverine and do something about it. And like Wolverine, he needs a cute teenage girl to help him. That sounds a lot creepier than it actually is, but it helps tie the story into Pixie's ongoing pursuit of being the X-men's new magic expert. She doesn't look quite as intimidating as Piotr's sister, nor does she look as good in black leather pants, but she's now Colossus' best bet to show that he can be trusted again. And it's hard not to root for a guy who's boning Domino.

There are some comics where after I read them, I can already predict how assholes on message boards will complain. Internet trolls are nothing if not predictable. This comic does a lot of things right, but I just know there will be a certain segment of fans that bitch and moan at how the story moved too slow. That's not entirely untrue. It did unfold slowly. It had to because it set up a number of situations and focused on a number of ongoing dramas rather than just get to the part where Juggernaut starts smashing shit. That's not a bad thing. Hell, that's probably the best way to approach a story like this, but that's going to be lost on some people. These are the same people that will whine about Han or Greedo shooting first until the end of time. Their complaining is irrelevant.

What is relevant here is how this issue too its time. It got choppy in some areas and rushed in others, but it did something very important. It set up certain characters to ensure that people gave a shit about what happened to them. That's what separates a story that's forgotten after one or two bong hits and a story that will soak the panties of those awaiting the next issue. This story has a lot of things going for it. But unlike the Juggernaut, it's not unstoppable. It hasn't built up a lot of momentum yet, but it has so much going for it that I'm going to brace myself anyways. Amazing X-men #15 gets a 7 out of 10. I don't know who will end up being the new Juggernaut or why he or she will want to crush the X-men. I just know if their ordeal ends with them hooking up with Domino, it'll count as a success. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Amazing X-men #12

Some have argued with varying degrees of coherence that whenever the X-men go up against enemies that are either alien or based on magic, it undermines the core themes of their stories. It’s not entirely wrong. How exactly does battling an army of Wendigo further peace and understanding between humans and mutants? That’s like trying to solve global warming by creating a Taco Bell meal that doesn’t induce diarrhea. That’s not to say such endeavors aren’t worthwhile. They just seem out of place. I don’t believe that every X-men story needs to have the same theme. Every superhero needs to mix shit up a bit every now and then. I’m sure even Hugh Hefner feels the urge to bang an ugly fat chick every now and then. And the X-men have a rich history of battling magical foes like the Wendigo and Juggernaut while making it look pretty damn awesome. It’s for that reason that the Wendigo arc in Amazing X-men has had its share of moments. It has yet to have that moment that feels like the first hit on a crack pipe, but it has definitely built towards it. Amazing X-men #12 promises to finally deliver on that high. And with the price of crack skyrocketing these days, the price of a comic makes it much more cost-effective.

The battle against the Wendigo has been a case study in how shit just keeps getting worse and worse. First, they had to just contain the spread of the Wendigo plague. For a while, they did that by guarding the Canadian border in ways that some Republicans only wish we could do with the Mexican border. But like outdated immigration policies, this backfired when the curse began spreading. This means that innocent little girl that Northstar has being trying to protect needed to be saved again after being reunited with her father. It was a touching moment in a story full of monsters, which made this all the more disheartening, even if it doesn’t do a good job of playing up those emotions. On top of that, Northstar’s sister got attacked as well. So that means shit is getting worse and not for reasons the Family Research Council might think.

This shittier turn isn’t restricted to the border either. The battle against Tanaraq, the overly generic monster that’s behind the Wendigo attacks, is not going well either. How bad does it get? Guardian ends up getting eaten by Tanaraq. And that’s right up there with somebody getting an acid enema in terms of shit going bad. It’s a more detailed battle that has been going on since the previous issue. It’s not quite as refined as detailed as it could be, but it’s solid enough to get the point across. That point is basically that Tanaraq has kicked their asses and gotten a nice snack out of it. So it’s definitely turning into a productive day for him.

The stench of this shit storm just keeps on spreading because apparently, the X-men haven’t reached their daily quota of being screwed over. Colossus, Rachel, Sasquatch, and Nightcrawler were tasked with guarding the portal to the spirit realm before Tamaraq can come through. They fought valiantly before, but like an overworked cook at McDonald’s, it’s only a matter of time before they start slipping. But instead of an undercooked burger or semen in the ketchup, Nightcrawler ends up getting bitten and Colossus ends up getting stabbed. So now they’re about to become Wendigo, essentially rolling out the red carpet for Tamaraq. I still consider that more preferable to finding semen in my ketchup.

I imagine that innocent girl, Amber, would disagree and not just because she’s never been to a McDonald’s that made the mistake of hiring a chronic masturbator. She’s scared and alone after having been rushed into the woods to escape the Wendigo. But when Northstar went back to find his sister, he ended up getting bit as well. Now he and Aurora are set to turn into Wendigo and all that poor little girl can do is run. I imagine this is one of those things she’ll be telling her therapist one day.

The presence of the little girl hasn’t been vital to the story. There’s nothing she does that helps the X-men battle the Wendigo in any ways. However, her presence doesn’t at all hurt the story. It actually does more to help because she maintains that human connection to the conflict that is so often lost in these monsters vs. mutants stories. While she doesn’t get a lot of emotional development, her being this innocent victim that the X-men try desperately to help adds some humanity to their struggle. That way it doesn’t feel too much like a mutants vs. monsters story. If nothing else, this little girl will grow up to avoid the William Strykers of the world.

At this point, everything seems have fallen to the deepest part of the shit tank. It couldn’t possibly get any worse without Nazis showing up. When Storm, Firestar, Snowbird, and Rockslide wake up in the Spirit Realm, they’re greeted by the second worst sight before Nazis. They’re chained to a rock and facing down a horde of angry monsters that Tamaraq probably hasn’t fed since the Nixon Administration. It really is a situation where it feels like it can’t get any worse.

This might be a jinx in most instances, but in this case that doesn’t happen because things finally start improving. Unfortunately, it comes courtesy of Iceman. I know I’m being more than a little petty when I bash him on this blog the way I’ve been doing with Beast for years. But let’s face it, Iceman has earned it. But I’m not afraid to say he does contribute in a meaningful way when he shows up with a pack of those snow creatures he met earlier and frees them. He even brings that nature god that Tamaraq chained up in order to make himself so powerful. So that means they finally have a way take him on and ensure nobody gets eaten again. However, Storm makes it clear that the X-men tend to get shafted when they trust gods so they make one condition. They have to make the X-men gods in order to help with this fight.

Now if that sounds like a wholly unreasonable request, don’t put down the joint. It is. But when someone like Storm makes it, this hardly qualifies as unreasonable. It’s more a, “This is how it’s going to work and fuck anyone who says otherwise,” kind of request. And wisely, the nature god does as she asks. And I can say with as sober a mind as I can manage that the results are divinely awesome.

Just before Tamaraq is about to pass through the portal that Rachel and the others can no longer guard, Storm leads another attack with Firestar, Iceman, and Rockslide. But this time, they’re packing god-level power. It’s the kind of power that makes them look infinitely more badass, even Iceman. Yes, I admit Iceman looks badass in this battle. It makes me sick to my stomach just typing that out loud, but I’m okay with attributing that to the last three burritos I ate if nobody gives me crap about it.

This god-level power makes for an epic, detailed, satisfying attack against Tamaraq that a visual orgy of awesome. This menacing creature that has done so much to upset US/Canadian relations really had this coming. And after shit got so bad for a while, this changes the tone of the struggle in all the right ways. It put a smile on my face and a boner in my pants. It couldn’t have been better without also putting a cold beer in my hands.

It’s still not as lopsided a fight as the X-men would prefer. Tamaraq is still able to fight back, despite facing god-powered X-men. The Wendigo curse had spread so far that his power levels are Dragonball Z level immeasurable. So what could possibly stop him at this point? More god-powered X-men? The answer, in this case, is actually even more satisfying.

Remember that snack break Tamaraq took? The one where he decided Guardian would be a nice meal. Well, that turned out to be dumber than going on Morgan Surlock’s diet in Super-Size Me. Apparently, Tamaraq forgot to chew because Guardian was still in one peace, which meant he had enough strength to not just avoid being digested. He actually punched his way right out of Tamaraq’s stomach in ways that would make Ridley Scott try to sue him. Sure, it means Marvel will probably incur a lawsuit, but fuck if it isn’t satisfying.

Things get a little rushed from here on out. The Wendigo Curse is lifted. We see the afflicted X-men transform back into a picture of health, but we don’t see much from the other victims. However, we do get to see Amber again and that makes for a nice touch. We even get to see the X-men helping some of the other kids whose parents were afflicted because the X-men understand that some kids haven’t grown old enough to become bigots. They might as well do their part before parents, schools, and Fox News starts to indoctrinate them.

It also marks the last time Wolverine gets to share in the victory party with his fellow X-men. Since this issue takes place before Death of Wolverine, it’s somewhat bittersweet. Everybody gets to recover and Wolverine gets to have one last battle with his Alpha Flight buddies. He even takes time to thank his fellow X-men for pulling his ass out of the fire after yet another ill-fated trip to Canada. It’s kind of sad, but it’s nice to know that he got to enjoy a triumph like this before he died. I just hope he and Colossus shared an extra big bottle of vodka when all was said and done.

I know Marvel comics has never shied away from subtle forms of blasphemy, but it helps that they find a way to make it satisfying. This battle that had all the right elements of a mutants vs. monsters battle, complete with the tried and true formulas of pre-Twilight werewolf movies. As a bonus, some of the X-men actually became gods for a while to kick the ass of the monster behind the Wendigo plague. Yet it wasn’t godly power that ended the fight. It was a guy who got eaten. Something about that is just so immensely satisfying that I feel like I just got a free lap dance. And I didn’t even ruin my pants. It’s a solid end to a story that has been choppy at times. It remained somewhat choppy here, but not to the point where it made the ending less satisfying. It has monsters. It has gods. It has mutants. It has cute little girls being rescued. It couldn’t have more without Storm and Rachel Grey wearing a G-string. Amazing X-men #12 gets a 9 out of 10. We all have a soft spot for monster movies that occasionally deal in gods. And whenever something comes along that massages that spot like an expensive Thai hooker at a spa in Las Vegas, then it’s something ot be treasured. Nuff said!