X-men #14 - Revelations of Awesome

So the X-men mythos has been moving forward at a breakneck pace lately. It's been going so fast that if Lindsey Lohan were driving it, it would have killed no fewer than 500 pedestrians and injured 1000 more. With Fear Itself, Schism, and the Dark Angel Saga unfolding in other books it's easy to overlook some of the other stories that have been unfolding in the X-books. Somewhere within this maze of awesome, Chris Yost has been telling a kick-ass story called X-men First To Last. It started with Giant Sized X-men, a book I gave high marks to for telling a story in both the present and the past that came together so nicely that Stephen Hawkings could use it in his next equation for a unified theory. Since then it's been unfolding in the adjectiveless X-men series, which by and large had been an underwhelming book after Mutants vs. Vampires sizzled. Between this and all the other awesome shit the X-books are churning out, my wallet has been pissing in my coffee for spending so much on X-men comics. But for awesome this great, drinking my own piss is a small price to pay!

X-men First To Last has been like two comics in one. It tells a story of the current X-men and the First Class X-men (the real First Class and not the shitty movie that just ripped off the name). Both eras are bound by a mysterious group of enemies calling themselves the Evolutionaries. They're like 80s rock bands that pretended to be gods, except these guys actually are gods and probably get better poon. Part of the mystery surrounding this stories is that these powerful god-like beings visited the X-men in the past when they were still growing into their skin-tight spandex. They came with the intent of killing every human in order to save every mutant. I don't get the logic either. Apparently having god-like power means you can kick logic's ass and nail it's girlfriend. But somehow, they were stopped and everybody forgot about it. That is until Cyclops was having one of his sweet Jean Grey fantasies and remembered just in time to see the Evolutionaries return.

The last issue started tying both eras together by revealing that the Evolutionaries sought out someone to speak for all mutant-kind. Charles Xavier wouldn't cooperate because he just had this thing about genocide. It didn't jive with him. After calling him a pussy, they went for Magneto. He wanted to get a message out to all mutants and to do that he needed a psychic. So what did he do? He abducted a pre-blonde, pre-Hellfire Club, pre-stuck up bitch Emma Frost when she was still a drooling brunette in an insane asylum. He planned on using her to show the Evolutionaries that he was the mack-daddy of homo superior, thus allowing them to do what he just tried and failed at doing in the first battle with the X-men. It sounds a bit lazy, but when super-powerful space gods offer a chance to do your dirty work it's pretty damn stupid not to take advantage of it. That's like the entire Swedish gymnastics team offering you a lifetime gig as personal gigalo and turning it down.

X-men #14 continues with another flashback to show just who these Evolutionaries are and where they came from. It was revealed in the last two issues that they were there when homo sapiens first manifested. Now they're showing how they got their super-cool space-god look that allows them to fuck with evolution the same way kids fuck with ants. They're armed with Celestial technology, which is like the blood of Jesus mixed with the sweat of Mohammed blended with the hair of Zeus. They aren't assholes about it either. They believe that what they're doing is actually for the betterment of mutants and they'll thank them for it. Just as an abusive father says his kids will one day thank him for how he beat the shit out of them. Okay, I take it back. They are assholes.

Whether it's two million years ago or the present, the Evolutionaries make it clear that they can pack some serious heat. At the end of the last issue, they confront Magneto. And if you've been following the story in the First Class era, you know he was more his old asshole self during that time. He actually worked with the Evolutionaries. So when they confronted him, it wasn't clear if he would fight them or embrace them. It's almost like being torn between hating Paris Hilton yet still wanting to nail her. But like everyone else whose name isn't Scott Summers, Magneto doesn't remember what happened with the Evolutionaries. So he does what comes naturally. He unleashes his trademark Magneto badassery. But against the Evolutionaries, he might as well be trying to beat them with feather duster.

When they were done with them, they went after Emma Frost (who was starting to remember her role in the First Class era) and demanded that she fork over her fuck buddy. Normally, she would be crass and crude about it in a way that still made you want to bone her. But against the Evolutionaries, even the power of sex appeal can only go so far.

It offers a nice segway into the past. Just as the Evolutionaries are threatening to undo all that fancy plastic surgery that makes Emma so bonerific, we see how Magneto and his old school Brotherhood abducted pre-surgery Emma from the insane asylum. The First Class tried to stop them, but Magneto was not about to pass up a chance to eliminate the human race with the help of space gods bearing gifts of genocide. He brought down the house on the X-men in ways my old frat parties could only dream of. It forced Jean Grey to save their asses, which is something I know some fans miss seeing. Her being the strong one and the Emma being the crazy one. At one point they try to wrestle Emma away from Magneto's dirty, possibly perverse clutches. Mastermind makes sure they leave with their prize, which leaves them as vulnerable as an anorexic supermodel who just puked up her steamed celery lunch/dinner.

Magneto does not give the X-men a chance to come after him. This is the Magneto of old. He's not inclined to be merciful to the X-men or make friends with them in an effort to nail Rogue. He's perfectly fine with sending a whole building crashing down on Charles Xavier and his X-men. It's Magneto in his most basic form and it's worth bringing up because this is a Magneto that hasn't really been shown in over a decade. Since House of M, he's been a very watered down villain. So much so that he's not much of a villain anymore. He parades around as this reformed, loyal associate for Cyclops. But lest we forget, this guy once had a hard-on for burying the X-men under rubble. I think that's a powerful image to show because some readers might not remember that shit and unlike me, it isn't because they killed so many brain cells with booze.

This leads to yet another wonderful segway back into the present. Remember how the Evolutionaries made Magneto look like one of Michael Vick's old dogs? Well he was able to channel some of that inner badass that once allowed him to lay waste to the X-men and fight back against the Evolutionaries. It keeps them intact, which is a small victory at best. But the Evolutionaries quickly turn it back around. They encourage Magneto to take charge like he did back in the day and kill Cyclops. He seemed to have no problem with it during the First Class era. Why not finish the job? Apparently, the Evolutionaries haven't been keeping up with Uncanny lately. If they had they would have known that Magneto is now Cyclops's biggest cheerleader minus the pom-poms and strained pelvic muscles.

In addition to Magneto getting the Joe Pesci treatment, we revisit Cerebro where Toad and a few curious mutants have been harassing Celeste. And it isn't just because she's in a sexy school girl's uniform. This isn't anime porn. This also began in the last issue. Toad was around for the First Class battle as well. So he's got plenty of reasons to be curious and he and his cronies make it clear that they want the truth. They want it in the Jack Nicholson style manner, minus the cocaine. Seeing as how the Evolutionaries are kicking everybody's ass, the truth would be a decent consolation prize even if it means not shitting right for the rest of their lives.

Another plot that began in the last issue, but was glossed over more than John Boehner's eyes after watching Old Yeller. The X-men's science team, namely Prodigy and Madison Jefferies, were working on something under Cyclops's order. They were trying to get some sort of machine working. They were light on specifics, but it didn't really matter because some of Toad's friends showed up to make sure it wouldn't get completed. It seems pretty damn counterproductive. I'm assuming they're aware that the Evolutionaries are kicking the X-men's ass and they want to make it worse? But again, they don't remember. Nobody besides Cyclops remembers. So while this scene may seem a little off (which is probably the only time this issue seems off), it still has a purpose. We probably won't know that purpose until the end.

We go back to the past, minus the clean segway this time. But it picks up right where the last First Class moment left off so it's not too big a deal. It was a given that they survived Magneto thrusting a giant fucking building over their heads. Otherwise the story in the present would be completely fucked. Once again, Jean Grey shows she's good for more than just dying every so often for the X-men. She protects them so they can hatch a plan. Xavier discovers that Magneto is taking the drooling, probably drugged Emma Frost back to the Xavier Institute to use Cerebro (and possibly feeling her up along the way since this is the pre-reformed Magneto). So Cyclops and Angel plan to fly out ahead so they can show that while Magneto may think he's the mack daddy of mutants, they're not his hos.

While Angel and Cyclops race towards Magneto, he arrives at the Xavier Institute with the Brotherhood and the still straight-jacketed Emma Frost. It's probably the least sexy thing Emma Frost has worn in two decades. She's also more out of it than a stoner who just watched all three Matrix movies while high. She seems to have no fucking clue that she's about to participate in mass genocide. That doesn't seem to bother Magneto. Once Emma is strapped into Cerebro, he sends a message to every mutant he can.

In this scene we also get a nice treat. With this message, Magneto reaches some familiar faces. We see Storm before she shacked up with Black Panther, Wolverine when he was still wearing the kitten-scratch mask, and Namor before he dedicated his life towards banging hot blondes. Mystique and Sinister show up as well to show that both good guys and bad guys are hearing this shit, which opens the door to another striking possibility. It wasn't just Cyclops and the Original Five who didn't remember the Evolutionaries. The whole fucking mutant race knew and somehow just plain forgot. That's like going out for a night on the town with Charlie Sheen, banging every Sports Illustrated swim-suit model, and solving the energy crisis and then just forgetting the next morning. And worst of all, there's no hangover to indicate that you had a great fucking time and there's no hooker in your bed complaining about how you kept wanting her to call you 'celestial sex god.'

This possibility is made all the more striking when the Evolutionaries seem pleased with Magneto's efforts. They sense that he did indeed reach all of mutant-kind. They were looking for someone to speak for everybody and Magneto, being the arrogant prick that he was during this time, made an over-the-top statement that was almost on par with LeBron jumping ship on Cleveland. Some aren't on board with this. Emma Frost, despite being more wacked out of her mind than David Lee Roth after visiting a Mexican pharmacy, voiced her disapproval about mass genocide. Keep in mind, this is before Sebastian Shaw sank his teeth (among other parts of his body) into her. That didn't stop Mastermind from attacking her mind and shutting her the hell up, something Emma Frost would never do again. It sends enough of a message to the Evolutionaries. They found their guy and they're ready to give humanity the same treatment that Saudi Arabia would give Elton John and Lady Gaga if they ever dared visit.

So while the word was spreading in the past, the present had Cyclops escape from hiding and confront the Evolutionaries. He knows better than the others that there's no beating the Evolutionaries. They might as well be Glenn Beck's therapist. There's just no winning with their brand of crazy. At the same time, Toad and his buddies are still harassing Celeste in ways that are actually pretty humane for a cute girl in a school girls outfit. I've seen 13-year-olds from my old middle school be more cruel to a girl dressed like that. But Toad finally gets what he's been fighting for (as impossible as that may seem given how many times he's had his ass kicked). He gets Celeste to broadcast psychically the truth they've all been seeking. Just as Magneto reached every mutant in the past, Celeste now reaches them in the present. It's parallel so beautiful you could jerk off to it. Hell, there's already a cute girl in a school girl's outfit to get you going! But beyond that, it finally lifts the mystery that's been lingering over everybody except Cyclops since the beginning of this story.

So now they remember. They know what Cyclops did and they aren't too happy about it. Even if the guy is nailing Emma Frost, they can't have too much respect for someone who keeps secrets that involve uber-powerful space gods. Among those now in the know, Magneto has the truth. He remembers that he once had a chance to end the battle against humanity and avoid all the crazy bullshit he went through since the first battle in Uncanny. Seeing as how he's fucked him over in ways that Ukrainian gymnast couldn't match, no one would blame him for wanting to finish what he started. The truth is out. Now the X-men don't just have the Evolutionaries standing against them. They have a very pissed off Magneto as well. It's as if someone ripped your arms off and then Hulk Hogan challenged you to an arm-wrestling match. You couldn't get more fucked unless you had a suitcase of hundred dollar bills in a Bankok brothel.

We're almost there, folks! Set aside your Scooby Snacks because the secrets are coming out! If I sound giddy, it's not because I'm high or mixed Red Bull with smack again. This is how I get when the comics I read craft strong, coherent stories that come together as nicely as a freshly baked batch of brownies (weed optional). X-men First to Last had to really do something in order to stand out from the other stellar stories that have been unfolding throughout the Marvel universe. It definitely succeed by taking the past and the present and uniting them in what can only be described as an orgy of awesome. This comic took the mystery of what had been building and finally brought it to the surface. Now Magneto, Emma, and everyone knows what happened with the Evolutionaries and it's something worth being pissed about. Yet there's still just enough unanswered questions to set the stage for a climax that if it were any more heightened it would be banned by the DEA for being too awesome.

The basis of this arc is awesome enough, but putting it together is a hell of a challenge. Telling two stories in the past and present and finding a way to keep them both coherent while being linked it like trying to juggle poison tipped daggers while walking a tight-rope over a lake of lava. It could very easily devolve into an incoherent clusterfuck, but Chris Yost manages to keep it together. The ability for this story to use both the First Class and the contemporary X-men in a solid, believable way is nothing to scoff at. Whatever minor criticisms there may be, they're greatly outshined by the sheer completedness of this story. And there's still one issue left! The potential for greater awesome is still there, which in and of itself should get any X-men fan's heart racing like a lap dance in Bankok.

I did mention minor criticisms. They are there. This issue was packed with action, which is to be expected at this point in the story. Not all the action seemed to fit. That scene in the lab didn't seem all that necessary, but it followed the underlying theme of the story in a way that it's really hard to notice unless you're dead set on being an asshole about it. I've given a lot of high marks to a few X-books lately. I honestly never thought with a sober mind that Marvel would be delivering this kind of quality in their X-books. My wallet may hate me, but I'm not complaining! X-men #14 gets a 5 out of 5. It's yet another layer of icing on the sweet cake that is X-men. Nuff said!

X-men #12 - Retroactive and Proactive Awesome

After reading a book like Giant Sized X-men #1 my expectations for the next part are well...giant so to speak. The story that Chris Yost started in Giant Sized X-men was special and not just because he told a great story in the present. He was able to tell an equally great story in the past with the Original Five. That's like juggling knives, giving Joan Rivers a face lift, and teaching Sarah Palin advanced calculus. It was a story that could have easily been two separate comics, one in the present and one in the Original Five era. It probably would have been decent, but it wouldn't have been nearly as awesome. Mixing the past and the present in a story is difficult enough. Mixing it with the X-men's history, which is more convoluted than Apple's user agreements, is cock-smashingly hard.

Giant Sized X-men #1 was not a stand-alone issue. It was set up to continue in the adjectiveless X-men series. Now I'm glad Marvel is doing this because for a while this X-men series had been so underwhelming that it might as well have come with a free sample of Ambient. X-men #11 was a nice shift. I reviewed the issue and wasn't completely put to sleep as a result. Chris Yost is giving Victor Gischler a breather, which seems overdue. He's continuing the story with the Evolutionaries in X-men #12. So for the first time since the early parts of Curse of the Mutants (before it crashed and burned) I was excited about this series. Between this and Fear Itself, I needed a boat-load of heroine to keep me calm.

Before anyone picks up this issue, go out and get Giant Sized X-men #1. Not that it's completely necessary to read this issue, but that comic was so good that to read this without reading the comic that came before it is worthy of more shame than all the bestiality in Tijuana. That comic introduced the Evolutionaries, a group of badass looking super-beings who see fit to judge an entire species as it evolves. It's like American Idol with Charles Darwin as the judge. If your species is deemed stagnant, you get voted off and that usually involves a touch of genocide. So it's only slightly worse than being scorned by Simon Cowell. The Neo attacked the X-men in the present and found this out the hard way. In the past, the Evolutionaries showed up to the Original Five and tried to do the same to homo sapians. It obviously didn't work. Jean Grey of all people did something to prevent it. Now the Evolutionaries are back and they're looking to correct their mistake.

X-men #11 starts out in the past. The very distant past before the Original Five were proplasm floating around in their parents' loins. In the caveman era that the Texas School Board refuses to acknowledge, an oddly dressed group of super-beings are overlooking the newly evolved homo sapians. It's not clear if these are the same Evolutionaries, but they sure as hell act like them. They act like the Celestials int that they're playing the role of ultimate judge. If a species doesn't evolve, they're fucked. It's evolution 101 with tacky costumes.

Flash forward to the future, which happens to be the past in the context of the comics. By the way, if your head starts hurting when trying to make sense of time in Marvel comics don't worry. That's normal. A line of blow usually does the trick (sorry, but aspirin just doesn't cut it). Charles Xavier tries to reason with the Evolutionaries while the original five, who are still immature teenagers at this point, resist the urge to impersonate John Rambo. Xavier gives the Evolutionaries his peaceful approach. Humans are dicks at times, but he prefers to co-exist with them rather than wipe them out. It seems so reasonable, but the Evolutionaries deem that counter-productive to their survival.

Now the rest of the team isn't in the mood to moderate a debate. The Evolutionaries want to kill all humans and that doesn't sit well because some like Bobby and Warren still have parents. And as it just so happens, their parents are human. So as you can imagine, they're not going to be nearly as reasonable. Bobby being the youngest decides to be the most immature as is often his role. He tries to attack the Evolutionaries head on. He might as well be hammering a nail with a feather. The Evolutionaries are about as thrilled as Donald Trump in line at the DMV.

Yet to their credit, they don't turn on the X-men. Remember, they're trying to help the mutant race. They make that clear even as the rest of the team joins the battle. Remember, this is the First Class. They're not quite used to dealing with cosmic threats just yet. This is pre-Phoenix Jean. Beast and Angel get into the act. Cyclops takes a few shots as well. The Evolutionaries take it like cross between Chuck Norris and Ghandi. They don't fight back, but they do make it clear they're no punching bags. At one point they knock Beast and Angel back, but they don't play too rough. They make it clear they could kill them all while casually yawning and humming the opening theme to House. But they don't.

This is part of what makes the Evolutionaries so compelling. They're not some dangerous force seeking outright destruction. They genuinely believe they're helping the mutant race. The X-men attacking them is an inconvenience that they could easily brush aside, but they don't. A cosmic power in comics usually looks down at humans the same way a kid looks down at ants. Their motives here are different and intriguing. It puts a different twist on this fight.

Eventually, it's Xavier who stops the X-men's attack, which by the way is taking place completely inside his study. If you missed it, you're not high. It's just disorienting. The background kind of fades into that bullet time that you see in animes. When the Evolutionaries figure out that Charles Xavier doesn't speak for all mutant kind, they decide that talking to him isn't a productive use of their time. So they leave. Xavier tries to plead with them, but they don't listen. He might as well be trying to teach modesty to Kim Jong Ill. So when they leave, the X-men are left scratching their heads. But Xavier being the world's greatest psychic at that time (again, it's pre-Phoenix Jean) knows what they're up to. They need to find the leader of all mutant kind.

Before he can clarify, the story goes back to the present on Utopia. Here, the Evolutionaries remind Cyclops how many times humanity and even other mutants have tried to fuck the mutant race. They mention the sentinels, the Legacy Virus, and House of M. They're not entirely wrong in saying that mutants have screwed the pooch to the point where the pooch is utterly traumatized and begging to be put down. However, Cyclops still points out that they're alive and the mutant race is no longer doomed to extinction. He continues to tell everyone to not attack. This doesn't go over well, even with Bobby and Angel. Emma is exceptionally pissed even though she has no right to be.

As an aside, it's worth pointing out that Emma chides Cyclops for keeping secrets about the Evolutionaries. Never mind the fact that he didn't remember up to this point, but in one of the most recent arcs in Uncanny she was doing the exact same thing. She kept a pretty nasty secret about Sebastian Shaw and flat out lied to him about how she handled it. This comes after Cyclops came clean about X-Force. She's a complete hypocrite here. I'm not sure if Chris Yost read those issues of Uncanny, but it makes Emma look more a bimbo than just a bitch.

Cyclops basically delivers a blanket order via the telepaths. No one is to attack the Evolutonaries. He basically tries to do what Charles Xavier did in the past. He tries to reason with them that human kind need not go the way Windows phones. Seeing as how Xavier couldn't reason with these guys, it really isn't all that surprising that Cyclops doesn't succeed. Keep in mind, the Evolutionaries were deceived. They're a bit more pissed now than they were during the First Class days. So when Cyclops fails to make a decent argument, they counter his argument with their first real attack. Lucky for Cyclops, Wolverine of all people pushes him out of the way. Now Wolverine could have let Cyclops die, which would mean he would have Jean all to himself when she comes back from the dead. But he didn't. That's why Wolverine is awesome despite being a prick at times.

Once the Evolutionaries start firing, shit gets real. They ditch the passive aggressive approach from the First Class era and adopt the Bush Doctrine. They go from gentle blue to burning orange. The X-men get Cyclops out of the way so he can't issue any more hippie commands. Sparks start flying. Shit starts blowing up and it looks pretty fucking sweet. Seeing as how Emma Frost gave the order and she's banging the leader, everyone listens to her. It's not logical, but it shows you the power of a hot chick with big boobs.

Cyclops makes it clear that he respectfully disagrees with Emma in a way that may or may not make his dick hate him until the end of time. While the rest of the team is fighting off the Evolutionaries, Arcangel flies him back to his girlfriend before she becomes too drunk with power. She tries to get Pixie to teleport him away. Then he reminds her that he's the one with the working memory here. He knows a bit more about this than anyone else. He says once again in a way that will prevent Emma from sewing her legs shut forever that they need to get a certain him away from Utopia. But who could that him be?

The answer to this question like most everything in the Karate Kid movies is found in the past. Remember that spokesmen for all of mutant kind that the Evolutionaries asked for and didn't get? Much like a quality service at a Best Buy during a shift change? Well they found another after Xavier proved uncooperative. They figure this one is a lot more open to the idea of wiping out humanity. It's Magneto and his old school Brotherhood of Mutants. He has the attention of the Evolutionaries. They might as well be Santa Clause to him because if he's even remotely interested in being a bigger prick, the Evolutionaries would be more than happy to oblige. It's a great way to end the issue and it raises the stakes for the next issue.

So the story unfolds, asses are kicked in both the present and past, and the mystery deepens at the end. It sets the stage for an interesting conflict between the past and present. In the past Magneto was an enemy, an unrepentant douche-bag who wanted nothing more than to see humanity wither away like a bad case of crabs. In the present, he's not quite as big a douche-bag. He's still not the friendliest guy to be around, but he's on the side of the X-men. He actually takes orders from Cyclops when in the past he wouldn't take an order from Taco Bell. If he's supposed to speak for mutant kind, then both humans and mutants are in more trouble than a million-dollar sports car on the set of a Michael Bay movie.

There's a lot of quality awesome in both the present and past with this book. It doesn't feel like it's on the same scale as Giant Sized X-men #1, but it still feels like a great comic injected with whatever steroids are keeping Sylvester Stallone ripped. The mystery surrounding the Evolutionaries is a great plot and Chris Yost developed it very well. I can't find too many flaws without really nit-picking. The only caveat some readers may have is that the fight between the Original Five and the Evolutionaries took place completely within Xavier's office. There wasn't as much action, or at least that's how it seemed when compared to the fight in the present. It was still plenty epic and it's no reason to dock any points from this book.

There's no way around it. X-men #11 and Giant Size X-men #1 are great books that compliment each other perfectly. They still have that amazing two stories for the price of one deal. One is in the present and one is in the past. Both work perfectly in unison. They offer just the right insight and progression. It's a tough balancing act for any book to follow and by succeeding, this book more than earns a 5 out of 5. It's quite possibly the best book in the new adjectiveless X-men series yet. Given how underwhelming the last few stories have been, I'll go so far to say as this book has raised the bar. Since there is more story left to tell, there's a chance it could be raised again with the next issue. Nuff said!

Giant Size X-men #1 - Giant Sized Awesome

Don't look now, but Marvel's playing the nostalgia card again. Like any business running out of ideas, it seems they can't go more than a few months without utilizing imagery from the past to stir up sales in the present. So when some people see a title like Giant Size X-men on the racks, they're inclined to roll their eyes. However, this is one occasion when those who use their eyes in such a profane manner ought to have them gouged out and fed to whatever is keeping the herpes in check for the girls on the Jersey Shore.

Now I admit I was also a bit perplexed when I heard about this. The X-books already had an annual for Uncanny. Granted, it was more underwhelming than a motivational speech on good judgment by George W. Bush. But still, it was an annual and it filled it's purpose while not sucking too horribly. Now Marvel has another oversized one-shot issue and their balls are so big they're willing to use a title like Giant Size. It's like stuffing your pants with a cucumber and asking a few out-of-work Swedish models if they want to ski down your northern slopes. However, Chris Yost is writing it. Given his pedigree for bringing awesome to the X-men includes X-Force, X-23, X-men Evolution, and Wolverine and the X-men it's a damn good reason to look closer at that bulge in Marvel's pants and quit wondering if it's some kind of malignant tumor.

With Fear Itself kicking the shit out of Marvel's main books, the X-men are basically waiting impatiently in the wings until they can whip their dicks out with their big Schism event. In the meantime, there's still room for some kick-ass stories. This one ties directly into the adjectiveless X-men series that gave us Curse of the Mutants. Now I've reviewed this series a number of times. I've never felt the urge to frame it and put it next to the framed panties I stole from Jessica Alba's dressing room. The stories have been billed as big, but they've always fizzled out like an expired bottle of coke (the drink and not the blow). Now Chris Yost has earned the respect of X-fans by delivering consistent awesome more often than a Navy SEAL armed with an M-16 and a metric ton of C4. So if anyone can give respectability to this adjectiveless series, it's him.

His giant sized story begins with a brief lesson in evolution. Now it's a lesson that would probably only fly with the Texas School Board, but it covers an important moment in the history of man. It shows the first few human babies being born. For the ape men of the time, it's like giving birth to two kids with an asshole in their forehead and a middle finger sticking out their ass. The ape men try to kill the newborns the same way the Mafia teaches manners to their rivals. They end up getting whacked by a strange blue light. We don't see what it is, but I'm sure if those ape men wore pants they would be shitting them.

Fast forward to the present day. Cyclops is dreaming. And much to the chagrin of his barbie doll girlfriend, Emma Frost, he's not dreaming of a hot blonde licking chocolate syrup off his balls. He's dreaming of Jean Grey, you know that redhead who Marvel tries to keep dead even though fans bitch about it every chance they get? Yep! It's her! And she's trying to warn Cyclops of something. She's trying to get him to remember. If that's not enough to piss Emma Frost off, she can't even sense it. Usually when Jean crosses his thoughts, she makes a big deal about it. Not this time. She just urges him to keep sleeping. Never mind that Utopia is being attacked by an advanced group known as the Neo. He deserves his rest. That or she gets hot when her home is under attack. It may be a little of both.

Cyclops forgoes the chance to have some morning sex with Emma Frost (seriously, how many other men would turn that down?) and joins up with the rest of the X-men. It's a fight that has numerous X-men involved including Dazzler, Iceman, Angel, Psylocke, and pretty much anyone who doesn't appreciate giant green humanoids stomping over their home turf. It's a classic X-men style fight that Cyclops quickly takes under his command. It's a battle that gets ugly fast, containing all sorts of colorful super-powered villain that for some reason think attacking all mutant kind is a good idea. It doesn't sound so foolish considering all mutant-kind is concentrated on one little island. And whose fault is that? No wonder Emma didn't want to wake Cyclops.

Some amongst the team weren't around to get acquainted with the Neo. I admit I haven't been keeping up with them either. I opted out of their mailing list back when mailing lists were determined to be more outdated than eight-track tapes. They don't have a Twitter feed either so Cyclops gives the team and the readers a general overview. They're basically an off-shoot of mutants. They're like vampires minus the fans, bloodlust, and Twilight jokes. They're stronger and more powerful, but they're also xenophobic. They're like the North Korea of super-beings. They live in clans and for the past few years, they've experienced no births. The reason they give for attacking is they discovered that mutants had one with Hope. That gives them all the reason they need to attack the entire mutant race. It's actually a valid reason. If one group is having new births and the other isn't, then natural selection will eventually kick the ass of the one that isn't.

Cyclops urges the X-men to only use non-lethal attacks even though the Neo have absolutely no problem with fucking them all up. And who can blame them? They're in the same position as the X-men during the Messiah Trilogy. They know their species is fucked and they have to do whatever it takes to get them unfucked. If that means attacking all mutant kind, so be it. It's survival. Cyclops understands this and prefers NOT to be responsible for the further decimation of a species. Let's face it, he doesn't need that shit on his conscious. The rest of the X-men don't quite get it, but the fight continues and it escalates quickly.

Then something unexpected happens. Cyclops goes into one of his famous mental breakdowns/seizures. It seems to come out of nowhere, but it actually relates to that dream he had about Jean earlier. That dream didn't just involve her wearing her old Dark Phoenix outfit with edible panties underneath. It was old memories that had somehow been hidden. Only Jean found a way to preserve them and now Cyclops is remembering and getting a splitting headache in the process. It's basically like anybody remembering their freshman year of high school, but not quite as painful.

These memories take the story into the past. Not just a few years back into the past. I'm talking back into the Kirby/Lee era of Uncanny X-men. You want to talk about shit that gets better with age, there's just no beating the first class no matter what that badly named movie Fox is putting out would have you believe. The events that link to the current crisis on Utopia go all the way back to the X-men's first mission against Magneto and his Brotherhood of (Evil) Mutants. They were a lot less subtle back in the 60s I guess, but even in their old costumes they look pretty bad ass.

Now this part of the story doesn't just help add to the story in the present. It's a nice insight into the REAL first class of X-men. Ever since the X-men First Class comic was canceled (a date in which I mourn by sacrificing a goat and three chickens), the stories about the classic X-men have been few and far between. It may sound like bullshit nostalgia, but where else other than shitty fanfiction can you read a pre-Phoenix Jean Grey, a pre-Arcangel Angel, a pre-cat Beast, and a pre-Emma Frost's plaything Scott Summers? I usually make a lot of jokes about nostalgia, but for X-men First Class I make an exception. It adds a whole new element to this story, mixing two different eras in a beautifully organic way.

The battle unfolds just like it did back in the day. The X-men take on Magneto in an effort to prevent him from seizing control of nuclear weapons. Magneto wants to wage war with humanity and for some reason, Xavier and his students have a problem with this. If he could see what his future self has become, I'm sure 60s Magneto would crush his own helmet and fly head first into Richard Nixon's ass. As was often the case in that era, good was poised to triumph over evil. Then a giant robot attacked. Okay, maybe that still happens on a regular basis in 2011, but it still has that solid First Class feel to it.

One classic battle turns into another as the X-men fight their first sentinel. It's like a teenager who finds his first porno. It gets more awesome each time. It's not glossed over. The X-men in this fight were young. They aren't the uber-competent super team that goes toe-to-toe with Apocalypse in between oogling Emma Frost. There are a couple of pages worth of strategy. Just like in the present, Cyclops's leadership skills are still competent enough to take down a giant robot. The Original Five still shines. But just when it seems they're about to cap off their first Sentinel, Xavier tells them to pull back. It's like a parent interrupting the kid after he's found his first porno. It doesn't go over well with the team, but Cyclops is still the same stern SOB he is in the present. He gives them an order and they follow it.

It's probably a safe assumption that Jean, Warren, Bobby, and Hank annoy the hell out of Cyclops all the way back to the institute. Keep in mind, they're still teenagers. If they're not annoying one another, they're either high or dead. Once they get back, Professor Xavier explains himself. His reason isn't entirely rational, even to a teenager. Their mission was to stop Magneto. They did that. To hell with the giant mutant hunting robot. That was enough. Cyclops disagrees. He believes that humanity will hunt them and they have to strike back. It turns into a difficult moment because Xavier mentions that he had a similar conversation with Magneto.

Now it doesn't seem like much, but it is a profound moment. It shows that even during the early days, Cyclops and Xavier didn't see eye-to-eye. Cyclops is a fighter. That's how he's trained. Magneto is a fighter as well, albeit with slightly more genocidal tendencies. Now some may call this retconning because Cyclops in the past was always a loyal follower of Xavier. And he still is here. But that doesn't mean he agrees with everything. He and Xavier start to debate. Hank and Bobby act like it's a fight between parents. Now a fight between parents is either boring as hell or traumatizing. We never find out which it is hear because there's a blinding blue flash, which if you read the first few pages should seem familiar.

From the flash, we go back to the present and we find out who the blue light belongs to. They call themselves the Evolutionaries. They look like a half-rendered agent from the Matrix, only ten times more badass. They come claiming that they want to ensure the survival of the mutant race. Somehow, Jean made him forget about these creatures and stop whatever sort of help they offered. It probably involved shit that explodes or maims. Whatever it was, the Evolutionaries seem to remember it more than Cyclops. When they see him in the present, they say he lied to them. So suddenly the Neo are no longer that pressing. In fact, they're about to become as menacing as a terminally ill chipmunk.

Oddly enough, the Evolutionaries aren't too miffed about being lied to. Their purpose now is the same as it was when they showed up to the first class. They want to protect the mutant race. To do that, they deem that the Neo have ceased to evolve. They also present a clear threat to the mutant race. So with power that's not entirely clear, they do to the Neo what OJ Simpson does to cheating wives. They takes care them and doesn't need Johnny Cochran to clear their names. So all at once and all over the world, the Neo are completely wiped out. They blow up like ants under a magnifying glass. It isn't just on Utopia. Every Neo in every colony all over the world dies. And the Neo don't even break a sweat in the process. That's both badass and fucked up at the same time.

The fight with the Neo ends ugly and the X-men can't do shit about it. They just watch them melt away the same way they would watch a rat drown. It's not every day the X-men watch an entire race go extinct. It hits them a little harder because they've been on the receiving end of a lot of attempted genocides. They're like the Jews in that they're more inclined to feel empathy for the victims. But the Evolutionaries aren't done yet. In both the past and the present, they make the same statement. They want to protect the mutant race. In order to do that, they have to kill all humanity. It sounds cold, but think back to Second Coming and Xtinction Agenda. More often than not, it's humans who try to kill of the mutant race. So while it seems so devious, it has a sick logic to it.

And this, my fellow fanboys, is what justifies the Giant in Giant Size X-men. By the end of this comic you don't just get one long, drawn out story in the present. You get two stories, one of them that takes place in the past and is tied to the present in a profound and insightful way. It's fits together so nicely that you could build pyramids out of it. It feels like two comic in one, an issue of X-men First Class mixed with the current adjectiveless X-men series. Anyone who bitches about the $4.99 price needs to take a finance course and learn the definition of value because this book has that in abundance.

There are new concepts mixing with old ones in a uniquely creative way. The Evolutionaries don't come off as these powerful new foes that the X-men must overcome. They're a much more difficult foe in that they don't think they're doing something wrong. They're actually trying to help the X-men and their kind. In their own twisted logic, they deem it necessary to wipe out all of humanity. It puts the X-men in an awkward position because it's humanity that's often fucking them over. They're the reason they have to live on a tiny island in San Francisco. It's a difficult situation to be in and one that opens the door to so many possibilities. How do the X-men even fight something like this? Past or present? It sets the stage for a great story and one that has elements that old school fans and new school fans can unite over.

I honestly can't find too many flaws in this book. It's very nicely refined from the dialog to the art to the progression of events between the past and the present. If there are any shortcomings it's that it doesn't feel like enough characters are involved. Sure, you get glimpses of some characters in the background, but they really don't seem like part of the bigger picture. It makes the scope of the story seem more narrow than it really is. I know it's difficult for writers to include every character, but in a book titled Giant Size X-men it commands a bigger scope. There are still a few issues of this arc left so there are plenty of chances for Chris Yost to include more.

I still can't dock points off a book for simply not throwing too many characters into a scene. Unless you're really that petty, there's so much more to love about this issue. If you're a fan of the classic X-men, you'll find something to love. If you're a fan of the more contemporary X-men, you'll find something to love. There's so much love to go around it's almost like being in Hugh Hefner's bedroom. With that in mind, I give Giant Size X-men #1 a perfect 5 out of 5. This is one of those rare one-shots that's worth waiting for every year. If you're an X-men fan, past or present, you owe it to yourself to get this book. Nuff said!