Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #6 - Handicapped Yet Still Awesome

I know there are a ton of Spider-Man comics out there with bigger names, bigger sales, and more mature plots. I also know that only following Marvel Adventures Spider-Man, a book marketed to kids, will leave limited opportunities to see blood, boobs, and big explosions (the three B's of most awesome comics). But what can I do? Ultimate Spider-Man is shit because the damn art looks like something schizoid drew while in mid-seizure and I still haven't been able to read 616 Spider-Man after One More Day. I used to have a healthy Spider-Man addiction with my comics. Now this is all I get. While my wallet may be grateful, it says a lot when the only palatable Spider-Man is the Marvel Adventures series.

It helps that this series is still pretty damn awesome despite not having the three B's and being a kids book. It also helps that in brings in a number of other familiar faces from the Marvel Universe from time to time and does a pretty damn good job of it as well. There are times when it missteps, like the previous issue. However, it usually finds a way to bounce back. The last issue fell short because it was too painfully obvious that this was a kids book. Unlike previous issues, it wasn't subtle enough. But it did move the story along and this issue picks up right from the events of that issue. That may not be a good thing, but at least Paul Tobin is respecting the continuity and not making deals with the devil to get around it. Fuck you, Mephisto!

The scars of the previous issue are literally felt when Peter walks into school the next day looking all beat up and bruised. These are the marks left by Bullseye, who worked Peter over pretty well two issues earlier and not in the Full Metal Jacket sort of way either. He rights it off as a hard fall for when he was taking pictures of Spider-Man. There's even a flashback describing it, even though any kid reading this will know it's bullshit. But that's not a bad thing. At least Tobin is attentive to detail despite the nanosecond attention spans of kids who forgot to take their Ritalin.

He and his girlfriend, Chat, play along with the story around friends like Gwen and Carter Torino (the new guy who happens to be the grandson of a crime lord). At least they try to until he reminds Carter that his family is a bunch of douche-bag gangsters. This is worse considering that Gwen has the hots for Carter and for whatever reason Carter is trying hard NOT to be his father's son. It's a plot that has been unfolding slowly over the past two issues, but it's been unfolding too slowly in many ways. It's like the 800-pound gorrilla in the room with the six foot boner humping a pineapple. You can't ignore it forever. That pineapple won't hold up forever.

Peter and Chat leave that problem behind (again) and focus on more pressing issues. The biggest issue is how is Peter going to be Spider-Man when he's got a busted arm? Is he really going to measure up when he's practically handicapped? Well in this case the benefit of dating a mutant shows. Just like in Ultimate Spider-Man, it helps to have a girlfriend with superpowers to pick up the slack. Chat shows this when they come across two thugs trying to mug a couple and she deals with it by sending an army of animals after the two guys, presumably to bite, piss, and drool over them. In some respects, it's slightly less desirable than a beating by Spider-Man. But it works and shows Peter's love life can be a benefit and not a liability as is so often been shown in those other shitty comics that Mephisto jerks off to.

While things are working out nicely with Chat and Peter, it's easy to forget that the one person who brought them together sort of got the raw deal. That person is Emma Frost. Yeah, that Emma Frost. In this series she's a teenager like Chat and like Chat, she had the hots for Peter (seriously, how can a dork like him get so many hot women wanting to jump his bone?). She's not quite her White Queen vindictive self yet, but she is still a bitch and she doesn't have the baggage she does in the current X-men comics. So in that sense this is the most balanced Emma Frost since Joss Whedon was still writing Astonishing.

Since her introduction to this series, she's taken on the role of a vigilante who isn't a stripper for once. Instead, she's a crime fighting detective who calls herself the Blond Phantom. It's a pretty hot title for a woman that most everyone in the Marvel Universe wants to bone, but she's a lot more watered down here in the sense she's still a teenager and she's friends with Chat. However, things have been strained between them lately and this has left her conflicted. It seems strange that Emma Frost would have that much of a heart, but since there was no Hellfire Club to make her a bigger bitch than she already is it makes sense.

Emma's appearance seems random, but it's a foreboding of things to come. That's not the only round of foreboding. Peter has to get a pep talk from Captain Stacy, who is one of the few who knows Peter's identity. He talks about how Peter has to stay out of the action for a while. When his arm is in a sling, that seems pretty damn obvious. But this is Peter Parker. He has to play macho for a bit. It's kind of pathetic, but when you remember this is a teenage Peter Parker we're dealing with here it's perfectly in character.

As soon as Peter finishes his little conversation with Captain Stacy, he gets a quick reminder of how much it sucks to be sidelined. He's on his way home when he comes across a traditional GTA style carjacking. He's obviously tempted to do something about it. That never happens and rather than be the Spider-Man everyone not named Jameson knows and loves, Daredevil comes in to steal his thunder. It's a nice way to bring in other Marvel characters as this series has been so prone to do. It's also a nice way to remind Peter just how much it sucks to be out of the action. It's like being benched in a football game. He's essentially Drew Bledso watching while some punk named Tom Brady takes his place.

He gets a cheap thrill out of seeing Daredevil. He also gets some extra motivation as well. He goes back to Chat who is already feeling the stress of being Spider-Man's backup. She can't even pick out a costume or a codename. She's ill-prepared to be Spider-Man's replacement. In other words, she is JaMarcus Russel of the Oakland Raiders, completely unfit to step up only not an overweight drug addict. Now excuse me while I change my name and address to avoid crazy Raider fans.

Flash forward a day and his school is on a field trip to see something called the Octavious exhibit, a tribute to the world of Doctor Octavious before he went batshit insane. Yeah, like nothing can go wrong there. Again, it's not very subtle. This is a kids comic. Paul Tobin can't afford to be too smart with kids who probably haven't learned how to find Switzerland on a map yet. This may qualify as being too obvious even for kids because I doubt even they would be surprised when Doctor Octopus comes storming in looking to be the douche bag we all know and love.

This isn't something a bunch of animals can solve by biting and pooping. So Peter does exactly what Captain Stacy warned him not to do, showing yet again how little respect even teenage heroes have for the authorities. Despite his injuries, he suits up and goes to attack Doc Ock. Now too his credit, this is pretty badass because he's able to hold his own. Anytime a hero goes into fight handicapped they deserve a little cred. Not only that, he still manages to pull off his trademark one-liners. To be able to do that through what has to be some burning pain shows this Spider-Man is way more badass than the poorly drawn Ultimate or devil loving 616 version.

However, being badass isn't enough to win a fight. Spider-Man does need help with this one and he gets it. This time it's not from Chat's animals. It's from the friend who once screwed her over, Emma Frost. She finally makes the call, patches things up with her BFF, and Emma suits up as the Blond Phantom to come help Peter. At first Doc Ock isn't impressed. His reaction is the kind of reaction that would piss a ton of feminists off, but Emma proves to be remarkably cool and assertive as fans of hers know her to be. That alone makes this Emma Frost more in line with her character than the bombastic butchering Matt Fraction is doing with his current Uncanny run.

She not only flaunts her power by showing that her mind can basically bitchslap Doc Ocks until he believes he's five-year-old girl who just pissed himself at day care. He also shows that she can distract him and without flashing him her boobs (which would have been far more appropriate if this wasn't a kids comic). It works out nicely. Doc Ock is distracted by a pretty girl, Spider-Man sees a window to move in and punch Doc Ock out cold, and that's that. Emma doesn't even let Peter say thank you. She just gives him a kiss and runs off.

Now there are a lot of great rewards to being a hero in Marvel Comics. Those rewards can be praise, redemption, and respect. But there are a great many who would gladly sacrifice that and a few limbs for a kiss from Emma Frost. That only makes readers love and hate Peter Parker even more. Once again, he attracts more hot tail than a rich rock star underwear model with a doctorate from Yale. Some guys have all the luck.

It's a great way to end the story. Spider-Man beats the bad guys despite his injuries and gets a kiss form a hot blond. Overall, that's a pretty solid victory if ever there was one. Of course Chat doesn't like it. Another woman kissing her boyfriend doesn't sit well, even if it is a friend. It doesn't help that Peter can't wipe that goofy grin off his face. Who wouldn't be grinning after a kiss from Emma Frost? It's only fitting he get brought down a peg before his ego gets too big.

It all makes for an issue that feels very complete. This issue didn't hide from the previous issue even if it did suck. It also moved some long-standing plots forward, even if it wasn't by much in some areas. It even offers a compelling plot point that is underutilized even in the mainstream comics. It shows what Spider-Man has to do when Peter Parker is injured. It's great stuff that will make some think "Why the fuck do they tell this only in the fucking kids books and not the main books?" Well unlike those main books, this one doesn't suck.

There's not a lot to hate about this book. It shows equal amounts of Peter Parker and Spider-Man. It throws in some relationship drama and highlights the rough logistics of being a hero that so often go unnoticed. And it has Emma Frost. If that's not enough for you, then you're just being difficult. As I said earlier, it's easy for this series to bounce back from a lousy issue. This one certainly did and in a very big way. Paul Tobin once again shows that you don't need deals with the devil or shitty anime art to make a good Spider-Man comic. You just need Peter Parker, the women that love him, and some web-swinging action and that's it!

The final score for Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #6 is a well-deserved 5 out of 5. If you're a Spider-Man fan, you'll have little to be disappointed about here. If you're still bitter about One More Day and the shitty art of Ultimate, this is more than enough to scratch that spider itch. Nuff said.

Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #5 - Mellow Awesome

Call me picky or bitter, but the Marvel Adventures Spider-Man series continues to be the only Spider-Man series I follow. One More day in 616 and the goofy ass art in Ultimate (coupled with the shit storm of Ultimatum) has rendered this book the only readable Spider-Man book in the whole Marvel catalog. Even if it is pure bitterness, it's not like the Marvel Adventure series is without merit. Ever since this series started developing it's own continuity, the stories it has churned out have been remarkably well-told. Paul Tobin hasn't been half-assed about this limited G-rated kids series. He's actually giving enough of a damn to make this series enjoyable and develop Peter Parker in a unique way that is free of the bullshit the other series have spewed onto the pages. It's a given you're not going to see some epic Clone Saga storyline that involves Peter Parker wrestling with clones, saving prostitutes, cussing out Norman Osborn, or going with Gwen Stacy to Victoria's Secret to pick out her favorite brand of edible panties. You'll basically see stories that are cute, simple, and focused. If that's not perverted or violent enough for you I suggest you join your local S&M club. You'd be surprised how understanding they are, just stay away from lit candles with wax.

The previous issue was another solid entry that had Spider-Man go up against Bullseye. It wasn't as bloody as it probably could have been. Had it taken place in 616 or Ultimate, this story could have easily turned into another shock book. Since this book was marketed to kids, it had to be restrained and that's not necessarily detrimental. I love a good blood bath and some flashes of tits as much as the next guy, but I'll gladly opt for an enjoyable story that doesn't butcher the characters or try to reinvent the formula for booze. Each of those are fine the way it is.

Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #5 literally picks up from the last pages of Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #4. Spider-Man just finished his battle with Bullseye and he looks like he just got back from a 5 day bender in Tijuana and was on the wrong side of a Donkey Show. He's so fucked up he can't even make it back home or get in touch with his girlfriend. So he does what most guys do after an unpleasant time south of the boarder. He passes out on the floor of some unknown building. So long as the building isn't a crack house or a male whore house, he should be okay (to a point).

While Peter is getting in touch with his old friend, Agony McNutshot, another story starts to unfold. As has been a trend in many Marvel Adventure comics, writer Paul Tobin likes to spread the spotlight to other secondary characters so that Peter isn't the only star. In previous issues it was usually a larger name like Wolverine or Bullseye. Here, it's a complete unknown. The guy getting the focus looks like a dorkier version of Wolverine mixed with an old school, pre-Scientology version of John Tarvolta. He's shown to be a nice, normal guy with a loving wife and a dog. Except his a collector for the Torino crime family. You know...mob work. A guy being that nice in that kind of work is like a Christian priest in a gay S&M club. Wait, he's Catholic? Okay, bad example. But you get my point.

They guy seems to be good at his job, but he doesn't seem to like it. Seriously, he carries on as if it's like he's cleaning up shit off the floors at a McDonalds. I used to have a job like that too and it only involved occasional threats of violence and intimidation. How a guy gets caught up in that line of work and be so G-rated sounds like a made-for-TV-movie staring Robert DeNiero produced by Disney.

Baring for a moment the many flaws in that premise, the plot with this happy-go-lucky mob employee helps lead the story to the Torino crime family. They were the ones that hired Bullseye in the first place and obviously they did not get their money's worth. So what's their solution? Put a two million dollar bounty on his head. It seemed like that would have saved them some cash if they tried that beforehand, but then again the mob is best known for ruthlessness and Al Pacino movies, not financial savvy.

Now this is where the book's flow gets a little disjointed. In the first few pages it already showed Peter passed out on the floor of an old building looking like he lost a fight with a lawnmower and a methed out Mike Tyson. The message was clear. Bullseye fucked him up good. But then later on we get a flashback scene of how he got there. It's nothing too extreme. He's just crawling through the rain, trying to get home. But he can't make it so he passes out. It feels like this shit should have been the beginning. Do we really need to know the details of how he got to that building? Unless he had to run away from some pit bulls and avoid creepy homeless guy holding an "I'll bet you $1 that you'll read this sign" then it feels unnecessary and out of place. It's dramatic yeah, but has about as much impact as Linsey Lohan giving a lecture on sobriety.

The next scenes make a bit more sense though. Since Spider-Man is sort of passed out he can't check in with his girlfriend, Sophie. Usually when a boyfriend doesn't check in that means he's either getting hammered or dropping the hammer on another flesh nail, but Sophie is thankfully the trusting type and understands that if Peter isn't calling. That usually means his spider powers did not effectively guard him from a routine ass kicking.

Being the good girlfriend she is, she doesn't resort to whining to the police or blowing Peter's identity. She starts making calls to her old friend, the Blond Phantom, and Wolverine from the X-men. Both say they'll keep an eye out for him. Since she's the girlfriend here, that's simply not fast enough. Sophie has shown plenty of times to be dedicated if not obsessive to being Peter's guardian angel. That alone makes her one of the best girlfriends Spidey has ever had in any comic. I know that's saying a lot, but this is my review and I'm sticking to it!

She even calls Gwen Stacy, which brings up another ongoing plot. Gwen continues her streak of attracting the wrong kind of men at every turn in being hot and heavy with Carter Tornio, the son of the Tornio's top boss. Apparently they were studying and by studying I don't mean the fun kind. I mean the boring kind with books and clothes still on. However, when Gwen's father (who is a cop mind you) gets home she reacts as if they're in the middle of shooting porn for a Japanese TV show and rushes him out as if he's he one with the weed. Even if it is a messy relationship, Carter still hasn't impregnated her with goblin twins so he's still not the worst guy Gwen could be with.

The search continues and we revisit our friendly mob guy (who they're calling Flip now) with a heart of gold. He's in the middle of roughing up some rough biker type who can't seem to pay his bills. He's armed with a lead pipe so he can't have a heart of too much gold. Maybe silver or whatever funky metal China needs to import too much of at the moment, but not gold. Since the guy can't pay, he gives Flip something else of value. He tells him he knows where Spider-Man is. Now as a guy who looks like a standard deviant, you would think he would try to follow him and look into getting that sweet two million dollar bounty that could have settled this debt. But for reasons that aren't entirely clear or logical, he doesn't and just gives the address to Flip. He's either the worst thug wannabe or the dumbest.

With time now a factor, Sophie meets up with her Blond BFF and uses her loyal animal hoards to track her boy toy. But first, she has to do a favor for her friend. Apparently, friendship isn't enough to warrant free service. In that sense she's like a prostitute, but given that Sophie has made friends with Emma Frost that's actually not too unbelievable. So with the help of Sophie's animal hoards, they're able to collect what are described as "love letters" when it may just as easily be photos somebody shot at a frat party that involved nudity, crazy glue, and any number of dicks being drawn on a face. Either way, they get what they need so they can now move onto Peter.

The animal hoards continue to work their magic. They lead Chat closer to her wounded boyfriend while Flip is already on his way. It becomes a race against time and seems to be setting the stage for a good struggle. It seems Flip is going to beat Chat to the punch and that two million bucks is as good as his. Chat races to catch up and when she finally gets there, she sees Flip standing over Spider-Man. Except he's not carving him up like a Thanksgiving turkey. He's helping him by patching him up.

No that's not a misprint and no I'm not high (for the most part). This mob collector who a few pages ago was threatening some guy with a pipe just up and had a change of heart despite the promise of two million dollars. He starts patching Spider-Man up and doesn't fight Sophie for him. He claims some inner voice was telling him to ignore the two million and help the kid. Now for a great many people who don't work for the mob, that's perfectly believable. But this guy does work for the mob. He's a collector and was right in the room when the two million dollars was offered. I know this is a G-rated comic and all, but this is pushing it even by comic standards. Does Paul Tobin really want the reader to believe that Flip's inner voice telling him help Spider-Man was louder than the voice saying "Holy shit! It's Spider-Man! I'm fucking rich as shit!" when confronted with this opportunity? I've seen some crazy shit (including a man wearing a woman's dress made completely out of duct tape), but even I can't believe that shit.

That's essentially the end of the action. Flip helps Sophie get Spider-Man into Blond Phantom's car, says goodbye, and goes home to his loving wife to tell her he's quit his job and is unemployed. Yet they're still all smiles. Again, it's too unbelievable even for a comic. A man telling his wife he's out of work and they're both smiling? Either they're high or it's the most fucked up marriage in the history of marriage. There's no other insight offered from here on out. Flip's wife doesn't say something like "Aww, I'm sorry sweetie. Guess I'll have to work overtime now" or "Sorry babe, no romance without finance." The book just ends. It doesn't even show where Sophie takes Peter to heal up. For a series that has finished strong since it's inception, this is as week as it gets without being an offensive lineman for the Detroit Lions.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not jumping ship on Marvel Adventures Spider-Man. This book still has a long way to go before it's anywhere near as fucked up as 616 or Ultimate. But this issue was a pretty big disappointment. I can appreciate the kind of story Tobin is trying to tell here, but usually he's able to make these stories seem like they aren't part of some G-rated series. He's able to be tactful in a ways that keeps it awesome. This issue boarded on the grounds of being a fucking fairy tale. A mob collector turns into a saint while Sophie spends most of the issue being a worried girlfriend. As for Spider-Man, he's basically out cold the whole issue. Now that's not too bad because he did get a lot of action in the previous issue, but everything in between feels like filler laced with sugar to match a horribly bland taste.

I'll still follow this series. Where the fuck else am I going to get my Spider-Man fix? But this issue was a big disappointment. It has a decent premise and Tobin didn't do anything too radial to ruin it in the tradition of One More Day or the Clone Saga. But he did choke on the very high bar he himself set. It's not even one of those "it seems like a good idea at the time" stories. It's more of a "let's see how G-rated we can get without being too lame" kind of moment and in that sense it's an idea that fails. So for Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #5, I give it a score of 2 out of 5. I'm confident the next issue will be better, but this is an issue I would rather forget and exchange for credit to by more X-Force books (preferably with Domino naked). If that's not possible, I can only wait and hope that Marvel Adventures continues to be one of the most solid Spider-Man books on the market even if that's like saying it's the least smelliest piece of shit. Nuff said.

Marvel Adventures Spider-Man - Awesome, Fun, and with Extra Berserker Rage

One of the knocks comics routinely gets these days is that they're for kids. It's like somehow if you reach an age where you're old enough to drive and convince the guy at the liquor store you're 21, some magic gland in your brain activates and that makes you completely disinterested in comics. I think medical science has long since disproved this bullshit theory and Marvel has routinely proved with it's Marvel Adventure series that even a comic directed towards kids can still be pretty awesome.

Until they fix that seizure inducing art on Ultimate Spider-Man, Marvel Adventures will be my soul source for Spider-Man awesome for the foreseeable future. I know the landmark One Moment In Time came out this past week, but I couldn't make it through that book without wanting to shit bowling balls through my mouth (spoilers: it sucks rhino jizz). But Marvel Adventures has no such taint. Paul Tobin has kept Spider-Man in his element and it's made for some wonderful stories with some intriguing twists. Those stories continue here in Spider-Man #3 while throwing in a few guest stars to share in the awesome of this series.

It starts out with Spider-Man and his girlfriend, Chat, paying a visit to the Blond Phantom Detective Agency that's run by Chat's gal pal, Emma Frost. Apparently, she's been hired by some fancy cosmetics company wants to make a gel inspired by Wolverine's badass persona and they're paying the agency big bucks to spy on him and make sure that using his likeness won't turn into another Tiger Woods style debacle. Granted, this sounds like a major WTF moment where I would make a drug reference to the writer, but in the context of this series it actually works pretty damn well and you don't need some extra potent weed to wrap your head around it. Far as I'm concerned, it's a success!

So Spider-Man and Chat have their jobs, but before they can begin they have to make it through that other great obstacle in Peter Parker's life...High School. Here another plot that began a few issues ago is brewing. Carter Tornio, who has ties to the Tornio crime family, is looking to start a Spider-Man appreciation society. This certainly puts Peter in an awkward position because he's been looking to bring down this kid's family. Yet for some reason, Carter has this 'hero worship' thing going on as he describes it. Either he's got some serious parenting issues or he's scheming on behalf of his old man. That's not clear, but what is clear is that Peter is about as comfortable as a horse in a glue factory. Not only is this kid sending him mixed messages about his intentions, he's also showing a lot of interest in Gwen Stacy. That adds to what is already a growing level of tension that captures the classic high school drama that readers know, love, and still have nightmares about.

But enough of the high school shit. The bulk of this comic is spent with Spidy seeking out Wolverine and that's where the true awesome resides. He gets some added help from Chat and her army of willing animals as he scours the city after school, looking for Wolverine and making sure that it's okay for some soulless cosmetics company to make billions off using his name. It may very well be the least heroic act anyone has ever done in the history of a comic book.

From here, the action is purely observational. He finds Wolverine casually walking the streets of New York in his leather jacket and overall badass persona. As Peter starts watching him, he sees a few guest stars pop into the picture. Wolverine meets up with Storm and Shadowcat briefly and apparently in this universe he's not too familiar with the X-men because he has to pick his jaw up off the ground when he sees them use their powers. It seems a bit unnecessary for a guy that can stick to walls, but Tobin makes it work.

But Wolvie isn't just out to mingle with friends. It doesn't take long for him to flash his badassery. When he parks his motorcycle right in front of this very nice car that happens to be owned by a very mean-looking thug, fists start flying. It's not much of a fight for Wolverine because he ends it quickly by just shedding his claws and shredding the douche-bag's precious car. For anyone who has ever had to park around some super expensive car that's taking up more than one space, this should bring a smile to your face.

That fight ends quickly and Wolverine goes back to mingling with his X-buddies. Peter and Chat continue to follow him and wouldn't you know it, Jean Grey makes an appearance. Considering her status in the comics is always in question and any medium she does appear in tends to fuck her up beyond recognition (looking at you Forever and post-Ultimatum Ultimate) this is a refreshing sight. The presence of Jean in the Marvel Adventures universe is a welcome addition and it showcases the friendship between Logan and Jean that has so often been overshadowed by a certain fiery parrot. Hopefully, this isn't the last time she shows up in the Marvel Adventures universe.

While the presence of other X-characters is nice, this less-than-destructive plot can't go on forever. Somebody has to screw up and a fight has to break out. That happens pretty quickly because Spider-Man soon finds out that while Wolverine is pretty friendly with the X-ladies, he doesn't take kindly to being followed around by a kid in a suit. In his typical Wolverine brand of overreacting, he confronted Spider-Man in a way only he can. And by confront I mean with claws and several levels of pissed off.

So Spidy has some 'splaining to do. He manages to say just enough to spare him a healthy dose of Wolvie berserker rage. But before all is said and done, another string of guest stars enter. This time, it isn't the X-men. It's actually the same douche-bag thugs that Wolverine screwed over last time. Apparently, they were late for their latte and still steaming about their car being shredded. So when they see Spidy and Wolverine, they're understandably stoked as douche-bags so often are about getting a little payback.

What follows next is a classic Spider-Man/Wolverine team up. Just the mere mention of those words should stimulate the enlarged awesomeness gland hard wired into every fanboy's brain. Take a wise-cracking high school kid and team him up with a razor clawed badass and you've got a perfect mixture of awesome. This time the thugs don't just go away either. They came prepared to fight with chains, brass knuckles, and what not. Anyone without powers would have soiled their underwear from such a sight, but Spidy and Wolverine make it awesome and fun. In many ways it's a perfect statement of why the Marvel Adventure universe is so great and certain elements of the 616 continuity suck harder than Paris Hilton at an NBA all-star game.

The fight is nicely played out over the next few pages. While Wolverine holds his own, Spider-Man ends up getting a little overwhelmed. Some Spidy fans may cry foul when seeing their favorite web-head get beat down by a bunch of powerless thugs, but it's important to remember that in Marvel Adventures Spidy is still just a teenager. He's still refining his superhero act. That means along the way he's going to have some growing pains and sometimes those pains come in the form of being overwhelmed, knocked to the ground, and stomped on by a bunch of self-indulgent thugs. In this case that's not an exaggeration. That's what actually happened.

Now you would expect at one point that Logan comes over and helps the kid out. But since he's too busy enjoying the beatdown, another familiar Marvel face comes in and helps Spider-Man out. Again, it's not an X-man. It's actually not even a hero this time. It's a guy who's been popping up in the last few issues of this series. He wasn't in costume before. Now he is. That's right, it's Bullseye and just when it looks like Spidy is going to require a trip to the emergency room, Bullseye shows off his skills by hitting each thug with a perfect suprisingly non-lethal strike (it's a kids comic, did you really expect there to be blood?).

Spider-Man is understandably confused, but he can't be too upset since Bullseye spared him from a world of pain. He doesn't get much a chance to thank him either. Bullseye doesn't stick around. He picks up and leaves the scene, but not before he makes the standard bad guy ominous threat that he'll be back and next time he won't be so kid friendly. It helps set the stage for the next story and sets up Bullseye to be Spidy's next foe. If this doesn't hook you on this series, then you need to more crack in your diet.

So the fight is won and the bad guys are gone. Spider-Man is still woozy, but manages to catch up with Chat and Wolverine. The Blond Phantom is even nice enough to join as well. Everything seems to have worked out. Wolverine finds out about this whole hair gel plot and offers to go along with it, but not without taking advantage of it as he's so prone to do. He manages to talk Emma into buying him dinner, which by default asks her out on a date. She accepts and Peter along with the rest of every man in comic fandom is left fuming with envy. How a guy like Wolverine gets all the hot poon in Marvel is beyond unfair, but it's perfectly in line with who he is and you can't ask for much more than that when it comes to ending this comic.

I know I already said it earlier, but it's worth saying again. Marvel Adventures is an awesome series and Paul Tobin does a bang-up job writing these stories. This comic brought together all the elements of what makes this series great. Not only did it tell a novel and compelling story, moved the overall plot with Peter and his life as Spider-Man along within the context of this unique continuity. It gives readers plenty of incentive to pick up the next issue and appeals to those classic Marvel lovers who cherish every Spider-Man/Wolverine team up. It's certainly an improvement over the last issue and offers a complete package demonstrating just how great this series can be.

Even though this is marketed as a kids comic, it has all the elements that make other comics like Blackest Night and X-Force so awesome. Because of this I cannot give it anything less than a perfect 5 out of 5. I truly couldn't find many flaws in it. Everything is put together perfectly. It actually makes the reader wish Tobin would add in more books to the Marvel Adventures series. If this is the only series where we can have no One More Day style retcons, a live Jean Grey, and a world that isn't utterly destroyed for shock value (glares at Ultimatum) then there's no reason not to pick it up and celebrate it! Marvel Adventures Spider-Man is awesome and deserves all the respect the mature comics garner. Fuck One More Day. Fuck One Moment in Time. Fuck Ultimatum. Nuff said.

Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #2 - Awesome for All Ages

It's been quite a while since I've followed a Spider-Man comic. Despite being one of my favorite comic series after X-men, I've found little awesome to celebrate in the pages of Marvel's latest releases. I'm among those disgruntled fans who saw One More Day and was so disgusted that I can't even look at a 616 Spider-Man comic without going into convulsions. Maybe I'm weird, but when the writers and editors completely undo 20 years of continuity because they ran out of ideas for a married Spider-Man I get a little pissed. It seemed the only viable Spider-Man comic after that was Ultimate, but then another One More Day caliber shit storm hit the fan called Ultimatum and that fucked everything up just as bad. It's not that Ultimate Spider-Man makes me sick to my stomach. It's the fact that the art is so fucked up it's like a manga comic fucked a stick figure and shit out a bunch of deformed images. Compared to the iconic imagery of Mark Bagley, it's a hell of a downgrade and it's also hard to take a comic book seriously when you can't look at the art without rolling your eyes at how lame it is.

But all is not lost for a comic book Spider-Man. Recently, the Marvel Adventures line launched an ongoing series of Spider-Man and the Avengers (but the comic is titled Super Heroes) that take place in a fresh continuity that caters to all ages. Under the pen of Paul Tobin it's basically like Ultimate, just not on a bigger scale. While that may seem like a turn-off for some, it doesn't stop the books from being awesome and Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #2 demonstrates that in a way that an 8-year-old and an 80-year-old can relate to and not in an Ancient Greek kind of way.

The issue starts off innocently enough. Teenage Peter Parker is carrying some groceries when he get the attention of a dog that looks strikingly similar to Lockjaw, the adorable pet of the Inhumans. The dogs name Attila an even greater clue, but that doesn't come into play. What does come into play is that the dog is snatched by some thugs riding on a motor scooter. It sounds pretty lame and it is. I mean seriously, who steals a fucking dog? Where's the money and street cred in that? It's contrived, no doubt about it. But it serves a purpose. It gets Spider-Man in costume and into hero mode.


Naturally, Peter helps the pretty lady owner of the dog (who looks like Crystal of the Inhumans by the way) and beats the thugs to a pulp. It's hardly surprising and anything but an epic battle, but then again this is an all ages comic. You can't exactly have the guys gang up on the woman and try to rape her. That's more in line with the MAX series. But the conflict isn't without danger. During the fight, a little girl gets caught in the crossfire and Spidy has to be the hero and save her. This being a kid comic, he does just that and the girl is nice and cute about it. If this were Ultimate she would probably be a scantily dressed teenage skank and while I have nothing against those kind of women, this actually does work better.


At least they maintain the theme of Spider-Man being on the shit list of the police. They still treat him like a criminal so that's one theme they maintain despite the age appeal. That's one less reason for the older readers to roll their eyes and bitch. At least the little girl is grateful, showing once again that kids can have far better manners than adults in uniform. Thanks to the kid Spider-Man is free to return the dog to it's owner, but wouldn't you know it? The owner is gone? Either she is part of the Inhumans or she's just a very shitty owner.

So to find her, Peter enlists the help of his current girlfriend, Sofia. For those of you wondering "Wait...who the fuck is Sofia?" That's one of the unique twists to this series. Gwen Stacy is alive in this, but there are other characters like Sofia who is a friend of a teenage Emma Frost that revealed to her Peter's identity. In the comics that led up to this, she grew close to Peter and they became boyfriend and girlfriend. It helps that Sofia is a mutant that can talk to animals so she understands Peter in a way other lovers haven't. She's not the most interesting character thus far, but she has some depth and she's got good chemistry with Peter to make this kiddy universe that much more unique.


So Sofia (who also goes by the codename Chat), tries to help Peter by talking to the dog and locating the owner. It's not successful. Apparently dogs don't have very good communication skills. They think in terms of which scents smell good and which trees are fun to pee on. They're practically on the same level as stoned college students. So they're basically stuck and have to go to school with this animal, hoping the owner will turn up.

While this plot is unfolding, another story develops involving the Torino crime family. Like Sophia, the Torinos are a unique manifestation in this all ages continuity. They're a crime family that Spider-Man has been harassing to no end and like most mobs, they don't like that. So they're putting out increasingly bigger bounties on the guy and one of them is a familiar looking guy with a bald head who boasts he never misses. If you think that sounds like Bullseye, give yourself a gold star and a hit of ecstasy. There's no subtlety here. Tobin has to make this comic have broad appeal and that means no complex character plots. It kind of kills any sense of mystery, but it's pulling some rehashed old plot out of old comics and trying to make it seem new. As the old saying goes, you can't make shit shine.


But Bullseye is just half the story. The other half involves a teenage boy named Carter Torino. As the name implies, he's an heir to the Torino family. Despite that name, he's remarkably well-adjusted. Anybody whose watched the Sopranos knows that kids in mob families tend to get fucked up pretty extensively. This guy looks painfully normal and not in a good way. It does make for a potentially interesting plot though because when he joins Peter's school, Peter is the lucky guy who has to show him the ropes. Seriously, they couldn't draw this up any better if they had pain mixed with flakes of gold and silver.


To make matters even more awkward for Peter, Carter hits it off with Gwen Stacy. Mob kids just can't seem to resist pretty blonds and Gwen just can't resist attracting psychopaths and having their demon babies. Carter puts on the charm and Gwen seems to fall for it as you would expect any ditzy blond. It's a far cry from the sweet girl of the 616 comics or the edgy girl of the Ultimate comics. It seems like something that's just thrown in there to make Peter bang his head against the wall. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but a little subtlety wouldn't make this comic X-rated. Tobin seems too cautious for his own good here.


So there's a missing dog that looks like Lockjaw and a kid from the Torino mob family going to Peter's school. It sounds like quite a plot that could lead to a very interesting conflict. Halfway through the comic you're left wondering what this is going to lead to. Well unfortunately, this is where the comic once again takes another turn that leaves those two little plots on the back burner. The story that basically overtakes the rest of the issue involves a visit from Shang-Chi, also known as Iron Fist. Apparently he does high school assemblies now and he just happens to be giving one in Peter's school when all this is going. Not that I have anything against getting the greater Marvel universe involved, but this is just another contrived plot. I know I say the world contrived a lot, but until I find something that works better this is what I'll keep on saying.


What happens next is fairly predictable, but that doesn't make the action any less enjoyable. Shang-Chi gets some unexpected visitors during his assembly. As is often the case, Ironfist is on the shit list of a lot of ninjas. Perhaps they don't like him wearing such bright colors, but whatever the reason they want to kick his ass and once again they do their best to try. Not to be outdone, Spider-Man gets in on the action and the fight that follows is classic beat-em-up.


It's not over too quickly and it doesn't drag either. For the students in the assembly, they watch on as if it's a staged event. I admit I would probably do the same. How many chances do you get to watch ninjas getting their asses kicked in a high school assembly? It sure would have made high school a lot less boring, that's for sure. Peter channels his inner Karate Kid and earns some praise from Shang-Chi in the process. It makes for a satisfying fight that kids and adults alike can appreciate it.


The problem is the comic runs out of ink at this point. There's no further development with the dog or Carter Torino or Bullseye. Spider-Man just fights the ninjas with Ironfist and that's it. Even though the fight was fun, it essentially cock-blocks the story. Whoever was interested in seeing where the first two plots set up in the beginning were going they end up being disappointed. Apparently, they weren't as interesting as ninjas. It's not entirely flawed logic. It has been scientifically proven time and again that ninjas make a comic more awesome. It's not without it's charms here either, but just doesn't fit the plot. If only the Torino crime family was a family of ninjas then Tobin would have something. Unfortunately, the issue ends on an incomplete note and basically leads readers onto follow the next issue. It's not really a cliffhanger, but it's still a semi-effective tease.


Now it bears repeating that this is a kids comic. It is drawn like a kids comic and it carries itself as such. Despite this, there is plenty of appeal here and the art is worlds above the migraine inducing work of Ultimate Spider-Man. Tobin's dialogue is also pretty crisp here as well. He has a solid feel for these characters and is able to give them a decent voice that doesn't feel bland or boring. Even so, the plot is spotty and the contrived aspects of the story keep it from being truly special. It says a lot about the other Spider-Man comics that this is probably the most well-crafted and the least painful to follow. That takes away nothing of what Tobin has done here and ensures the series has the pull it needs to keep readers interested.

For what Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #2 brings to the table, it earns a respectable 3 out of 5. It has it's flaws and it suffers from messy storytelling. But it's a solid title and demonstrates the great potential in the Marvel Adventures line. Since Ultimate has been utterly ruined, it leaves readers like me hoping that this line gets expanded to include other facets of the Marvel universe like X-men, the Defenders, the Fantastic Four, and SHIELD. There's a great deal of potential here and there's also a solid market for an alternative from 616. Ultimate once filled that void, but thanks to Ultimatum it's about as meaningful as Paris Hilton's views on foreign policy. Paul Tobin is on the verge of doing something special here and this series is definitely worth following, if for no other reason than to have a Spider-Man universe that is fun, entertaining, and not soul-crushingly lame. Nuff said.