Scanned Thoughts: X-men #26

When it comes to the X-men, it’s hard for anything they face to feel overly exotic. This is a team that deals with aliens, gods, dictators, and religious bigots all in the same week. It’s hard to put them in a situation that’ll feel genuinely novel. That doesn’t mean the stories of these situations can’t be awesome. If people got tired of seeing their favorite characters follow a familiar formula with their adventures, the Simpsons wouldn’t have lasted over 25 years. And in the same way I enjoy the Simpsons, I enjoy seeing the X-men deal with crazy yet familiar challenges.

There’s nothing all that mind-blowing about the latest clusterfuck the X-women have encountered. They’re trapped in a deep, subterranean realm in the Black Rock Desert and one of them happens to be horribly claustrophobic. It sounds like both an adventure and an upcoming reality show on NBC. While it would suck as a reality show, it has done a good job of putting the X-women in a situation that brings out the strengths of their characters. Some have shown more strength than others. That’s hard to avoid in a team that has both Storm and Monet in its ranks. Nobody’s going to feel their mind and heart race in this story without the aid from some really good weed, but X-men #26 still has plenty to offer. But does it deliver? It does, but not in the way you might expect.

For a good chunk of this arc, the X-women have been stumbling around in this cave trying to figure out why it’s trying to become Earth’s latest rectal wart not caused by fracking. Somewhere along the line, they uncovered that it’s part of yet another Kree clusterfuck and this one didn’t even have the decency to give a hot blonde superpowers. It just created the kind of death trap that the X-men find themselves in at least once a month. At this point, they’re done playing Indiana Jones. They just want to get the fuck out before they have to outrun giant boulders. And since this cave is being fueled by Kree douche-baggery, it doesn’t make it easy for them.

Rachel, Psylocke, and Monet’s escape attempts are a lot more ambitious than Indiana Jones, but the cave just doesn’t want to let a bunch of pretty women out of it. I want to say I can’t blame it, but this cave has already displayed a Robert Durst level of creepy so I’ll stop myself. They’re able to escape, but not without feeling they just spent a weekend in Tony Stark’s bungalow. Then Storm shows up and it’s no longer a balanced battle.

Now Storm is supposed to be the claustrophobic one here. In fact, she’s been dealing with that shit for a good chunk of this arc. She’s been dealing with it to the point where it starts to drag. Finally, she decides to kick that phobia in the dick and join her friends. It’s not just an awesome display of how she can dry-hump nature on a whim. It also makes for an emotional reunion. She actually takes the time to embrace her friends. It may sound like the premise of most lesbian porn, but it actually has heart. It still gives me a boner. That doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate it though.

The emotional reunion lasts about as long as a Van Halen reunion because that cave isn’t done being a Kree-fueled asshole. It decides it’s no longer content just being the topic of a National Geographic documentary. It’s going to take a page right out Ghostbusters and become a big rampaging monster that’s nowhere near as adorable as the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. Even though it’s in the middle of a fucking desert, that desert just happens to be the site of some hipster goth concert. So there are plenty of people to crush. I know this probably doesn’t need to be said, but fuck the Kree.

The X-men go to work doing what they do whenever they see a giant monster and/or killer robot. They even have a chance to meet up with Gambit, who has done basically jack shit in this story. For all we know, he was having a three-way with a couple of goth chicks. And he keeps on doing jack shit as Storm and Rachel Grey attempt to attack the rock monster. It immediately tries to give them the Ray Rice treatment. But these are the X-women. Even a cave monster has to worry about more than a four-game suspension and a dipshit casino security guard.

It doesn’t exactly make for an epic battle on part with the final battle in Terminator 2. Rachel Grey actually tries to be the one that delivers the finishing blow. She fails miserably and that’s kind of a running theme with her. She’s such a powerhouse, but she does so much nothing in every X-men comic she’s in that she might as well be Brett Favre’s backup. It’s a symptom of a much bigger problem involving Rachel Grey as a character, but one that’s no more egregious than usual in the face of a giant rock monster.

Despite another self-deprecating moment, Rachel Grey gets a nice save from Jubilee, who has tried to contribute to this story as best a mutant-vampire/teen mother can. She flies in on one of the X-men’s many mini-jets and catch’s Rachel because I guess she just hasn’t been marginalized enough. But being part of the X-women, it’s fitting that she shows up since she has been working behind the scenes with Beast to figure out why this cave is more fucked up than any hole in the desert that nobody besides Bear Gylles would go.

It makes for another emotional reunion followed by more hugs. Again, that moment gets ruined when the big fucking rock monster crushes Jubilee’s mini-jet. I’m pretty sure that warrants combing Beast’s fur for a week. Given all the jets the X-men lose, they’re probably numb to such horrors.

The X-women make another attack. This time, Jubilee offers some advice. This thing is a result of yet another Kree fuck-up. Instead of creating another Captain Marvel, it created a pissed off rock monster. So maybe it makes more sense to reach out to that rock monster or at least make it think happy thoughts before they kick its rocky ass. It’s not the same as Chuck Norris just cracking his knuckles and hoping the sound of his bones is enough to shatter the monster, but it does offer something a little deeper than the typical monster/giant robot fight.

It also has the added benefit of allowing Rachel Grey to reveal just what’s pissing this creature off so much. It adds some details about the Kree fuck-up that created it. Surprise, some dip-shit humans helped add to it. First, a Kree satellite crashed because I guess that’s what Kree technology is best at doing. Then some dip-shit humans tried to turn it into a weapon and made it into a monster instead. Then a Kree soldier arrives to piss off said monster. It’s not so much a tragedy as it is a comedy of douche-baggery.

At the very least, the X-women show it some level of mercy. Rachel Grey makes sure the creature is numb before Storm blows it the fuck up in the most spectacular way possible. It is a little overly efficient in that it basically shows that Rachel Grey should never be on the front lines of a giant monster fight. But the added details about this creature help give its destruction some weight, which is something we don’t normally get when the X-men destroy a monster/killer robot. We’re just content to see shit blow up. That’s all well and good for a Transformers movie, but depth helps make it meaningful.

The X-women finally have a chance to catch their breath and the would-be concert-goers can finally stop shitting themselves. This is usually the part where they just shrug their shoulders and go onto fight the next killer monster that comes their way. But again, we get a little extra added depth.

They stand in the ruins of the creature and muse over the douche-baggery and incompetence that created it. On some levels, it was a tragedy because this monster wasn’t rubbing elbows with the Red Skull or anything. It was a victim of another Kree-inspired shit storm. And the X-women had to be the ones to put it down. It makes the moment more bittersweet, but in a good way.

It also makes for a sweet moment between Storm and Jubilee back at the Jean Grey Institute. Even though it was probably her claustrophobia fucking with her, Storm had visions of Wolverine in that cave. It adds a little extra emotion to a story that involved giant rock monster, which in and of itself is an accomplishment. It also shows that Wolverine’s death still has impact, even if the lawyers at Marvel Studios wish it didn’t.

Jubilee even tries to honor the dead rock monster in some weird yet fitting way. She takes a piece of it and gives it to Karoka, the Jean Grey Institute’s resident lawn monster. It’s a nice way of ensuring they don’t completely shrug off the tragedy that created this monster. And it gives Karoka hope that one day another Kree fuck-up will turn a mountain into a big-titted woman rock monster. Let’s face it. At the rate the Kree fuck up, that’s bound to happen at some point.

In terms of the larger arc, this story has dragged at times. That’s not to say it dragged as much as the last Martin Scorsese movie, but the X-women spent a bit too much time stumbling around in the dark. However, this issue offered a nice payoff to all that stumbling. They finally got the fuck out of that cave and kicked ass as only X-women can. But they ended up doing more than just destroy a rampaging rock monster. That’s the kind of shit anyone can see on a Power Rangers rerun. They found time to inject a little heart into the struggle. Sure, it still ended with Storm exercising her inner goddess and shattering the monster in ways no megazord can boast, but there was more to it and that helped give the story its impact.

Beyond fighting a rock monster, there was still time for nice character moments. Even Karoka got in on the act. Sure, some characters like Rachel Grey might as well be extras on a Star Trek rerun at this point. However, the characters that did have moments made the most of them. This extra bit of emotion is what has made the X-women awesome and worthy of their own series. This arc didn’t play to all their strengths, but it did enough to be satisfying. I give X-men #26 a 7 out of 10. So now the Kree have found a way to fuck with humans and mutants alike. Can someone just put a big sign on the moon at this point and tell the Kree to fuck off until the Captain Marvel movie comes out? I think everyone in the Marvel universe is tired of their shit at this point. Nuff said!

X-men #26 - Bloodbath of Awesome

I have a simple rule when it comes to vampires in comics. As long as they don't act like hippies and fucking sparkle, I'll give them a chance. I'll be the first to say I'm pretty sick of the vampire craze inspired by Twilight. I wouldn't make so many jokes about Robert Pattinson's penis if I wasn't annoyed by the world's annoying fascination with these pussy moistening blood suckers. However, vampires are a part of pop culture despite Stephanie Meyer's evil influence. Before she was getting her period, Marvel was telling stories about vampires and telling them quite well. It wasn't until the Curse of the Mutants story arc last year that vampires returned to the Marvel universe in a big way and the current arc of Victor Gischler's adjectiveless X-men almost makes you overlook how sick you are of vampires...almost.

While the first issue for this arc started off slow, disappointing, and full of Jubilee's whining, it has definitely picked up. The X-men's security team, led by Storm and all the reasons she has to be pissed for being married off to Black Panther is in search of Jubilee. In the last issue they found her and the vampires that abducted her. A fight broke out as is often the case with anyone who tries to pull a teenage girl away from a vampire's grasp. In that sense they're not unlike R. Kelly minus the urine. Jubilee made her position clear when she yelled at the X-men for fighting against the people who were trying to help her. It's easy to forget that she's new to being a vampire and hasn't quite mastered the whole urge-to-suck-peoples-blood-and-kill-them instinct. Razio promises to help her. Unfortunately, Razio has a long list of enemies and by long list I mean they all stormed his stronghold in the South China Sea D-Day style.

This is where the story picks up. Among those seeking a big fat paycheck from Razio's head is Deadpool. Even though he's part of X-Force, he's still a mercenary and he's gotta make a living. If for no other reason than to buy tacos and bullets. Thankfully, Domino has a history with him and she also has killer boobs. So she manages to confront Domino before he barges into the base and starts shooting. At first, he's hesitant to pass up a big payday. Then Domino offers to go on a date with him and he agrees to help. I'll admit it. For a date with Domino and a chance to tap that ass, I would brave an incoming army of supervillains. 

But it'll take more than just Deadpool's insanity or Domino's boobs to protect them from this onslaught. Both the X-men and the Forgiven have dispatched their heavy hitters into the fray, looking to hold off the assault. It's definitely the kind of shit that will ruin your Sunday, but this timing is pretty fucked up. Both Razio and Storm notice it. Whenever an army of villains looking for a fat payday show up at your doorstep foaming at the mouth, someone usually has their dick in your business. So like competent leaders in a book that is clearly trying to avoid being another mutant/vampire mash up, they proceed cautiously. Storm, not ready to leave Jubilee behind with Razio, stays in the base with Psylocke. She must think his hold on teenage girls is more unhealthy than Robert Pattinson's hair gel. They all watch the fireworks unfold and without popcorn no less.

The action here is pretty heavy, much more so than the previous issue. This isn't a scuffle built on some misunderstanding. These are the X-men and the vampires they were looking to slaughter having to fight off an invasion of money, grubbing mercenaries. It's almost like lobbyists descending on Congress, but without quite as much bloodshed and substantially less hookers. Like said lobbyists, these guys came packing heavy hardware. But that shit is a fucking coke can compared to Colossus. He didn't get to strut his stuff in Uncanny X-men #8, so he gets to make up for it here by snapping a tank in half. And on panel no less! Sure, he gets an unfortunate surprise when someone phases through him like a ghost and makes him feel like that girl from the Exorcist, but it's still pretty badass on new fewer than a hundred different levels.

The Forgiven show that they can kick plenty of ass as well and without sparkling or showing off their fangs. The same vampires that gave the X-men a run for their money in the previous issue show they can more than measure up against an army of money grubbing bounty hunters not named Dog. One of them, Black Axe, not only shows that he has a kick-ass nickname, but he's also smarter than the average bounty hunter. The Forgiven seem to rely not just on being hippie vampires, but outsmarting those who think they can become Buffy with just a crucifix and a stake. When one of the talkative targets decides to wield his ball and chain (not a dick metaphor I'm sure), he ends up making himself look like an idiot by causing an entire cliff to collapse. It's a more creative way to beat an enemy and that much more satisfying.

Despite the overwhelming odds, things seem to be going well for both the X-men and the Forgiven. You get the sense that Storm should get some Doritoes and Razio should get one of Ted Nugant's pets and enjoy the show. But they still don't feel like taking it easy just yet. There's still a significant debate to have regarding Jubilee. She's still adamant about trusting Razio. Storm has trusted vampires before and nearly had her head bitten off as a result. Guys like Dracula leave a bad impression so Storm is not too enthused about Jubilee's decision, but she makes clear that she's not going to let her use it as an excuse to be a complete brat (which she has been for several issues now).

This tension is somewhat secondary to the more pressing concerns that Razio has. The mere fact that their counterattack against the onslaught of bounty hunters is going so well is cause for concern. He and Storm seem to understand that when shit is going this smoothly, some much bigger shit is about to hit the fan. And wouldn't you know it? They turn out to be right. It's another law of physics in comics. If shit goes smoothly, shit is about to get heavy.

It's a classic tactic that would be so cliched if it didn't work so well. The rest of the X-men and the Forgiven our stuck outside taking on the onslaught of bounty hunters. Domino, still obligated to let Deadpool see her naked for his help, coordinates with the others to bring the battle to a stalemate. But in doing so, they pretty much keep themselves occupied from whatever real threat is going on inside. I'm pretty sure there's a whole section about this tactic in the Art of War, but I'll leave that book to generals and investment bankers. All we as comic book readers need to know is that it worked. The X-men and the Forgiven are divided and distracted. That means we can find out who's really behind this shit.

Who could it be? A monster? A well known Dr. Doom style villain? A hot chick with a Buffy hard-on? Well, it's not as groundbreaking as that I'm afraid. Inside the base, a psychic bomb goes off that neutralizes Psylocke and Storm ends up getting gassed in a way you would only experience by being stuck in a cab with an angry New York Jets fans after leaving a wing eating contest. It's all courtesy of neatly dressed enemy with a very gay looking mask that looks like it was a rejected design for V for Vendetta. It may not look very intimidating, but the asshole behind it managed to neutralize the X-men and seriously wound Razio. That shit has to count for something.

The mystery villain doesn't say much. He/she/it seems content to let actions speak louder than words. Those actions have a clear message, "You're fucked and I outsmarted you. Now watch me jack off." That last part was implied. However, not everyone is down for the count. Jubilee, the fucked up teen who Razio couldn't convince to drink sheep's blood a few issues ago, is still on her feet. She's the only one left to take on this creature that just took down the X-men and the Forgiven. It doesn't seem like a fair fight until you realize that this is a fucked up teenager who has been pissed off by her friends and her captors and still has the added aid of renegade teenage hormones. If I were the mystery villain, I would rather kidnap Lois Lane and wave my dick in the face of Superman than take on Jubilee at the moment. That and you have to admit she looks pretty badass with a katana.

Going back to what I said about being sick of vampires earlier, I'll add to that sentiment one simple truth. Awesome stories trumps all cliches. Victor Gischler has been on his longest winning streak since this series began and I couldn't be more happy about it. This was a series that started strong, but was mired in mediocrity while other X-books like Uncanny X-Force outshined it. I can't overstate how impressed I've been with Gischler since he took over after X-men Regenesis. This issue highlights so many aspects of what makes this series great. We've got an onslaught from the Assassins Guild, a guest appearance from Deadpool, a mysterious new foe in the Claw, and Jubilee stepping up to show that she can kick more as as a vampire than she ever could as a mutant. It feels like a book that captures other elements of the Marvel universe and makes this series truly awesome.

Just a few issues ago, I criticized this arc for being too detached. An entire issue was dedicated only to Jubilee and Razio's crew of hippie vampires. While that issue was still a bump in the road, it certainly helped in setting the stage for what Razio is up against. He and his vampire crew show that they've got some bite in them that doesn't just involve blood sucking. His history is pretty extensive and his motivations have been built up nicely over the past few issues. The tension with Storm is certainly an added bonus and one that plays up her history with vampires (namely as Dracula's squeeze). It culminates in a conflict that is predictable in some ways, but plays out in a way that's still very entertaining. Even if you hate vampires and have nightmares of Stephenie Meyer trying to rip out your soul, you'll find something to love about this issue.

This is quickly becoming one of my favorite arcs that Gischler has put together since his run began. It still has a ways to go. It left a lot of room for mystery surrounding who is attacking Razio. One could argue it's too much room and too ambiguous, but if it isn't enough to excite you about the next issue then you're just being a douche. X-men #26 is full of action, suspense, mystery, and Deadpool cracking jokes. It's everything you want in a comic of this nature. For that, I give it a 4.5 out of 5. I'm leaving half a point off so that there's room for improvement with the big conclusion. This is a big moment for this series and for Jubilee. She hasn't been this awesome since the 90s or this bonerific for all your fetish types. The world may be sick of vampires, but seeing as how they're not going away anytime soon we might as well enjoy the ones that are least likely to remind us of Twilight. Nuff said!