Scanned Thoughts: X-men #26

When it comes to the X-men, it’s hard for anything they face to feel overly exotic. This is a team that deals with aliens, gods, dictators, and religious bigots all in the same week. It’s hard to put them in a situation that’ll feel genuinely novel. That doesn’t mean the stories of these situations can’t be awesome. If people got tired of seeing their favorite characters follow a familiar formula with their adventures, the Simpsons wouldn’t have lasted over 25 years. And in the same way I enjoy the Simpsons, I enjoy seeing the X-men deal with crazy yet familiar challenges.

There’s nothing all that mind-blowing about the latest clusterfuck the X-women have encountered. They’re trapped in a deep, subterranean realm in the Black Rock Desert and one of them happens to be horribly claustrophobic. It sounds like both an adventure and an upcoming reality show on NBC. While it would suck as a reality show, it has done a good job of putting the X-women in a situation that brings out the strengths of their characters. Some have shown more strength than others. That’s hard to avoid in a team that has both Storm and Monet in its ranks. Nobody’s going to feel their mind and heart race in this story without the aid from some really good weed, but X-men #26 still has plenty to offer. But does it deliver? It does, but not in the way you might expect.

For a good chunk of this arc, the X-women have been stumbling around in this cave trying to figure out why it’s trying to become Earth’s latest rectal wart not caused by fracking. Somewhere along the line, they uncovered that it’s part of yet another Kree clusterfuck and this one didn’t even have the decency to give a hot blonde superpowers. It just created the kind of death trap that the X-men find themselves in at least once a month. At this point, they’re done playing Indiana Jones. They just want to get the fuck out before they have to outrun giant boulders. And since this cave is being fueled by Kree douche-baggery, it doesn’t make it easy for them.

Rachel, Psylocke, and Monet’s escape attempts are a lot more ambitious than Indiana Jones, but the cave just doesn’t want to let a bunch of pretty women out of it. I want to say I can’t blame it, but this cave has already displayed a Robert Durst level of creepy so I’ll stop myself. They’re able to escape, but not without feeling they just spent a weekend in Tony Stark’s bungalow. Then Storm shows up and it’s no longer a balanced battle.

Now Storm is supposed to be the claustrophobic one here. In fact, she’s been dealing with that shit for a good chunk of this arc. She’s been dealing with it to the point where it starts to drag. Finally, she decides to kick that phobia in the dick and join her friends. It’s not just an awesome display of how she can dry-hump nature on a whim. It also makes for an emotional reunion. She actually takes the time to embrace her friends. It may sound like the premise of most lesbian porn, but it actually has heart. It still gives me a boner. That doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate it though.

The emotional reunion lasts about as long as a Van Halen reunion because that cave isn’t done being a Kree-fueled asshole. It decides it’s no longer content just being the topic of a National Geographic documentary. It’s going to take a page right out Ghostbusters and become a big rampaging monster that’s nowhere near as adorable as the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. Even though it’s in the middle of a fucking desert, that desert just happens to be the site of some hipster goth concert. So there are plenty of people to crush. I know this probably doesn’t need to be said, but fuck the Kree.

The X-men go to work doing what they do whenever they see a giant monster and/or killer robot. They even have a chance to meet up with Gambit, who has done basically jack shit in this story. For all we know, he was having a three-way with a couple of goth chicks. And he keeps on doing jack shit as Storm and Rachel Grey attempt to attack the rock monster. It immediately tries to give them the Ray Rice treatment. But these are the X-women. Even a cave monster has to worry about more than a four-game suspension and a dipshit casino security guard.

It doesn’t exactly make for an epic battle on part with the final battle in Terminator 2. Rachel Grey actually tries to be the one that delivers the finishing blow. She fails miserably and that’s kind of a running theme with her. She’s such a powerhouse, but she does so much nothing in every X-men comic she’s in that she might as well be Brett Favre’s backup. It’s a symptom of a much bigger problem involving Rachel Grey as a character, but one that’s no more egregious than usual in the face of a giant rock monster.

Despite another self-deprecating moment, Rachel Grey gets a nice save from Jubilee, who has tried to contribute to this story as best a mutant-vampire/teen mother can. She flies in on one of the X-men’s many mini-jets and catch’s Rachel because I guess she just hasn’t been marginalized enough. But being part of the X-women, it’s fitting that she shows up since she has been working behind the scenes with Beast to figure out why this cave is more fucked up than any hole in the desert that nobody besides Bear Gylles would go.

It makes for another emotional reunion followed by more hugs. Again, that moment gets ruined when the big fucking rock monster crushes Jubilee’s mini-jet. I’m pretty sure that warrants combing Beast’s fur for a week. Given all the jets the X-men lose, they’re probably numb to such horrors.

The X-women make another attack. This time, Jubilee offers some advice. This thing is a result of yet another Kree fuck-up. Instead of creating another Captain Marvel, it created a pissed off rock monster. So maybe it makes more sense to reach out to that rock monster or at least make it think happy thoughts before they kick its rocky ass. It’s not the same as Chuck Norris just cracking his knuckles and hoping the sound of his bones is enough to shatter the monster, but it does offer something a little deeper than the typical monster/giant robot fight.

It also has the added benefit of allowing Rachel Grey to reveal just what’s pissing this creature off so much. It adds some details about the Kree fuck-up that created it. Surprise, some dip-shit humans helped add to it. First, a Kree satellite crashed because I guess that’s what Kree technology is best at doing. Then some dip-shit humans tried to turn it into a weapon and made it into a monster instead. Then a Kree soldier arrives to piss off said monster. It’s not so much a tragedy as it is a comedy of douche-baggery.

At the very least, the X-women show it some level of mercy. Rachel Grey makes sure the creature is numb before Storm blows it the fuck up in the most spectacular way possible. It is a little overly efficient in that it basically shows that Rachel Grey should never be on the front lines of a giant monster fight. But the added details about this creature help give its destruction some weight, which is something we don’t normally get when the X-men destroy a monster/killer robot. We’re just content to see shit blow up. That’s all well and good for a Transformers movie, but depth helps make it meaningful.

The X-women finally have a chance to catch their breath and the would-be concert-goers can finally stop shitting themselves. This is usually the part where they just shrug their shoulders and go onto fight the next killer monster that comes their way. But again, we get a little extra added depth.

They stand in the ruins of the creature and muse over the douche-baggery and incompetence that created it. On some levels, it was a tragedy because this monster wasn’t rubbing elbows with the Red Skull or anything. It was a victim of another Kree-inspired shit storm. And the X-women had to be the ones to put it down. It makes the moment more bittersweet, but in a good way.

It also makes for a sweet moment between Storm and Jubilee back at the Jean Grey Institute. Even though it was probably her claustrophobia fucking with her, Storm had visions of Wolverine in that cave. It adds a little extra emotion to a story that involved giant rock monster, which in and of itself is an accomplishment. It also shows that Wolverine’s death still has impact, even if the lawyers at Marvel Studios wish it didn’t.

Jubilee even tries to honor the dead rock monster in some weird yet fitting way. She takes a piece of it and gives it to Karoka, the Jean Grey Institute’s resident lawn monster. It’s a nice way of ensuring they don’t completely shrug off the tragedy that created this monster. And it gives Karoka hope that one day another Kree fuck-up will turn a mountain into a big-titted woman rock monster. Let’s face it. At the rate the Kree fuck up, that’s bound to happen at some point.

In terms of the larger arc, this story has dragged at times. That’s not to say it dragged as much as the last Martin Scorsese movie, but the X-women spent a bit too much time stumbling around in the dark. However, this issue offered a nice payoff to all that stumbling. They finally got the fuck out of that cave and kicked ass as only X-women can. But they ended up doing more than just destroy a rampaging rock monster. That’s the kind of shit anyone can see on a Power Rangers rerun. They found time to inject a little heart into the struggle. Sure, it still ended with Storm exercising her inner goddess and shattering the monster in ways no megazord can boast, but there was more to it and that helped give the story its impact.

Beyond fighting a rock monster, there was still time for nice character moments. Even Karoka got in on the act. Sure, some characters like Rachel Grey might as well be extras on a Star Trek rerun at this point. However, the characters that did have moments made the most of them. This extra bit of emotion is what has made the X-women awesome and worthy of their own series. This arc didn’t play to all their strengths, but it did enough to be satisfying. I give X-men #26 a 7 out of 10. So now the Kree have found a way to fuck with humans and mutants alike. Can someone just put a big sign on the moon at this point and tell the Kree to fuck off until the Captain Marvel movie comes out? I think everyone in the Marvel universe is tired of their shit at this point. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #23

Some concepts are pretty hard to fuck up. Michael Bay has been trying for years to make people bored of watching shit blow up. He’s yet to succeed and he probably won’t for the foreseeable future. But even if these concepts can’t be fucked up, they can be rendered somewhat boring. Having an all-female cast of X-men is one of those concepts that just looks so inherently awesome on paper that it would take omega level ineptitude or negligence to make it boring. I won’t say that the all-female X-men has gotten quite that bad, but lately it has been less relevant than Rob Schneider’s acting career.

It’s not that the all-female X-men have been boring. They just have been stuck in a state of mediocrity and stagnation. Since X-men: Battle of the Atom, it really hasn’t played a major role in the world of X-men comics. This has rendered it downright forgettable and it hasn’t helped that the stories have fallen short as well. There’s a lot to love about this estrogen-rich cast, but little is done to make that love feel requited. Now G. Willow Wilson, the mastermind that made Ms. Marvel the most lovable thing since smores and hot chocolate, is taking a stab at the all-female X-men. X-men #23 has the same all-female cast of kick-ass X-women. They just need a stage and a story to show off their badassery in a way that will inspire hearts, stimulate minds, and tighten pants.

The stage for this story isn’t exactly exotic, unless I missed a meeting where someone decided that the Blackrock desert in Utah counts as exotic. I’ll just assume I was too drunk to attend that meeting because it’s not just some random desert where hipsters and rave fans like to go to get away from asshole police, overbearing parents, and Mormons. It’s also one of the many places Gambit likes to go and test out his new pick-up lines. It sounds out of place in a comic that’s supposed to be about strong women who don’t need a penis to be badass, but I don’t think the feminazis will be too upset when the women Gambit hits tell him to fuck off. To be fair, he tried to offer them a fucking Chakra massage. Maybe that would’ve worked when Naturo was still big, but these days it’ll get a guy rejected, slapped, and sued.

The shameless flirting for Gambit ends quickly, but it should still give Channing Tatum enough material to work with for the upcoming Gambit movie (I’m sure actresses hoping to play Rogue are already lining up). It goes to shit fast and not because of sexual harassment lawsuit. Out of nowhere, a strange storm that would have everyone at the Weather Channel shitting themselves forms over the desert. It’s the kind of storm that should trigger all kinds of WTFs since this is probably the most fucked up thing to happen to Utah since the Osmond family. But as it just so happens, Gambit knows a woman who can manipulate the weather and, as far as we know, he hasn’t disgusted her to the point where she blocks his phone calls.

He calls the Jean Grey Institute just as Jubilee is having a nice family moment with Shogo. He’s still a baby and he’s just learning to walk. Despite the dire situation, it’s a sweet little moment that has been lacking from this series lately. So when Gambit calls, it actually has more depth than a typical, “We’re fucked! Please send someone to unfuck us!” situation. While it would’ve been nice to see more motherly moments with Jubilee and Shogo, I can understand the sense of urgency.

In addition, Utah isn’t the only place facing environmental anomalies. While Jubilee is on the phone with Gambit, she noticed something wrong with Karoka, aka the institute’s front lawn. On the surface, it feels like one of those random sub-plots that has derailed previous arcs in this series. But this time, it feels like it could be connected since it is dealing with weather anomalies. It helps that it’s not quite as egregious as past issues, but like a bad cold sore on Courtney Love’s mouth, it’s still a sign that some of these flaws aren’t going to go away easy.

The X-women all respond to the call as quickly as possible. This includes Storm, Rachel Grey, Psylocke, and Monet. They arrive just in time to see this storm create a massive sink-hole that looks like something Rush Limbaugh made in his toilet. There have already been casualties, but not enough to make the typical citizen of the Marvel universe change their vacation plans. And they hope to keep it that way.

This is where Storm comes in. Being Marvel’s ultimate weather wizard, she takes to the skies and attempts to use her powers to contain this storm. It’s another chance for her to demonstrate why she’s the most awesome character in X-men and why she alone is better than any shitty Inhumans replacement. But in demonstrating her awesome, she reveals in her thoughts that this is no ordinary storm. She’s like an extra on a Transformers movie, struggling to make sense of it all. It’s confusing, but still a kick-ass spectacle that’s both sexy and empowering. So even feminazis can jerk off to this one as well.

The problem is that this exotic storm ends up being too much, even for Ororo Munroe’s exotic form of awesome. When winds aren’t enough, she tries to solve the problem with lightning. While this might work for Toad in a shitty X-men movie, it doesn’t work for this and it ends up making shit worse. Then again, it wouldn’t be all that exciting if there weren’t a few complications anyhow so this helps add to the spectacle. There’s even a little slight about Storm being off her game since Wolverine died. It’s a shitty thing to say, but it might be accurate and it helps add some extra drama to the conflict, something else this series has been lacking lately.

Rachel, Psylocke, and Monet attempt to help Storm before this exotic weather system that must have come from Roland Emmerich’s worst nightmare. But in doing so, they make another unfortunate discovery that shows why lightning didn’t work as well as it did against Toad. This storm isn’t just some random effect of Mother Nature having a bad hangover. This storm actually has a mind. That means Storm’s effort to control it might have been the equivalent of someone pouring a bucket of cow piss on a sleeping roommate’s head to wake them up. I know from experience that tends to generate some very nasty reactions. And this one is no different because the storm ends up throwing her into the crater.

It sounds overly simple on paper and it is. A storm with a mind of its own isn’t the most novel concept to come along in X-men. How can it be when this is the same series that gave rise to mutants named Negasonic Teenage Warhead? But it still feels fresher than anything we’ve seen from this series in a while now. It’s not trying to fix previous stories or completely change the tone of the series. It’s just doing something different and making it work. If only the Hangover movies could’ve done the same with the sequels.

But it isn’t just the new ideas and fresh take on old concepts that make this story feel refreshing. There’s some actual drama thrown into the mix, which has been by far this series’ biggest shortcoming as of late. That drama takes the form of a claustrophobia-induced delusion that Storm has of Wolverine. It gives additional weight to the sentiment that Storm has not been the same since his death. It makes for a nice moment that should have Wolverine fans smiling in ways that the Daken and inverted Sabretooths of the world just can’t match.

There’s a real sense of heart and sadness in this moment, something that has always brought out the best in Storm. She’s dealt with a lot of tragedy in the past, especially recently. But she’s always found a way to become stronger as a result. That’s what makes her one of Marvel’s best female characters. Tragedy doesn’t make her weaker. It pisses her off and gives her more incentive to kick ass. That’s something most men can’t say with a straight face and this moment alone is what makes this issue worth buying.

While Storm is clawing her way out of the crater and punching her phobia in the balls, the mystery of this storm is unfolding in other ways. Back at the Jean Grey Institute, Jubilee and Beast are still involved. It’s not yet established that the storm in Utah is affecting Karoka, but since these kinds of coincidences are the comic book equivalent of a shitty poker face, it’s safe to assume there’s a connection. Knowing he’s about to go on trial for his douche-baggery very soon, Beast decides to give Karoka a checkup, but only after he throws up. It’s as disgusting as it sounds. For those not experienced in dry-heaves during a hangover, it might be one of those scenes that’s worth skipping.

Karoka’s health is definitely a concern for the X-men and whoever is unlucky enough to have to mow the front lawn. But Storm’s condition is a much greater concern for the rest of the X-women. After she drags the exotic storm into the crater with her, they conclude she’s probably outmatched now that they’re in an environment that’s not exactly healthy for someone with severe claustrophobia. So Rachel, Monet, and Psylocke go in after her because like the marines, badass X-women don’t leave anyone behind.

This was a fairly solid issue. I’m not going to say my dick was throbbing to the point where I had to picture John Goodman naked, but I was able to walk out of my comic book store with an awkward boner and I think that’s a good enough indicator. This story was cohesive and concise in that it didn’t attempt to do too much. It didn’t get derailed by any WTF moments, which have been plaguing this series for a while now. It didn’t get too bold either. Nobody is going to read this issue and think they took one too many hits of LSD. But considering the precedent, this issue worked as well as it could have.

This comic succeeded in taking these all-female X-men characters and putting them into a conflict. That conflict was still light on details and not every character got a chance to be awesome, but it still felt like a story that hit all the right chords. That’s something haven’t been able to say about this series for a while. The pacing is still a bit slow and some plots were more underdeveloped than others, but this now feels like a series that I can actually look forward to again and not just because badass X-women make my penis happy. I give X-men #23 a 7 out of 10. My penis and I don’t usually agree on much, but I think we’re on the same page with this comic. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #18

I’m no stranger to awkward situations. Give me someone else who has answered the door at three in the morning in pair of women’s underwear and explained to a police officer why there’s a goat in the front yard and I’ll have someone who has at least a faint understanding of dealing with awkward situations. The X-men certainly have more than their share, albeit without farm animals and inappropriate uses of women’s underwear. Hell, they live with time displaced versions of themselves and their future children. That shit has to be awkward to the point of therapy. It’s because of that I wonder just how much therapy someone like Rachel Grey has had since arriving from a shitty, dystopian future. She could probably put several families of psychologists through college. But it must work because she has managed to keep her shit together, even after some awkward moments with her time-displaced mother. She’s an active contributor on Storm’s all-female X-men squad, but she hasn’t had too many awkward situations to deal with. Now with a new arc and a new era in X-men #18, she has a chance to be very uncomfortable. At least in her case, wearing women’s underwear won’t add to the awkwardness.

As it just so happens, I’m not the only one who doesn’t care for unexpected visitors. A while back, Rachel Grey lost all her appetite for unexpected visitors not delivering pizza. In the infamous “End of Greys” storyline by Chris Claremont, the Shi’ar dropped in unexpectedly and without any pizza to exterminate Jean Grey’s entire family. It was a dick move of cosmic proportions, akin to burning down the whole Amazon rain forest over a splinter. But it was a defining moment for Rachel Grey and for reasons not entirely clear, that painful moment is revisited in the form of a flashback. The purpose isn’t clear, but it’s by far the most dramatic moment Rachel Grey has had since returning from space. That alone is pretty fucking sad. She’s the daughter of Cyclops and Jean Grey for crying out loud. She should be way more than another pretty redhead that Wolverine has yet to bone.

The flashback doesn’t really relate to anything Rachel and her fellow X-women are doing initially. She’s still basically the beta telepath on a team that already has Monet and Psylocke. She’s not even the cutest because Jubilee is on the team as well. All she does is point out that they’re about to fly into a cloud of giant super-viruses, courtesy of AIM. They weren’t content being watered down in Iron Man 3 so they’re taking it out on the X-women. That’s like trading a punch in the jaw for a kick in the balls.

It makes for a generic battle that’s fun and full of nice quips. Every X-women here has their own voice and they all come off as distinct, something that has been somewhat erratic throughout this series. I still don’t know what the fuck this has to do with an “End of Greys” flashback, but it’s still a team of beautiful X-women taking down a cloud of greenish goop in an entertaining if not unspectacular sort of way. And I’m all for that.

But fighting a cloud of AIM cast-offs is the kind of shit the X-women do on a weekend when there are no good movies out. Another more pressing conflict happens to be unfolding and, semi-fittingly enough, it involves aliens. And since it involves aliens, it’s going to have to involve Agent Abigail Brand and the fine folks at SWORD. It’s been a while since Brand showed up with her uncanny ability to induce boners and make all the assholes within a five mile radius clench. She even reveals herself to be a Game of Thrones fan, thus making her even sexier and more intimidating. My penis is happy to see her again is all I’m saying.

Agent Brand, however, is not happy to have her Game of Thrones time interrupted by an unannounced alien that showed up unconscious at SWORD’s doorstep. The alien issue in this case is Deathbird and she’s not crashing their base because she got too drunk and forgot where her car was parked. This is a Shi’ar woman who likes to throw parties in the middle of inter-stellar wars. She also has a history with Rachel Grey, which helps provide a connection to the “End of Greys” flashback. It’s a weak connection, but like a nipple slip from Jessica Alba, it’s better than nothing.

SWORD contacts the X-women specifically because Rachel has a history with her. She’s actually Rachel’s aunt, but only by marriage thanks to Deathbird’s ability to exploit Vulcan’s fondness for alien pussy. I’m not judging here. I can only say that in Vulcan’s defense, dangerous alien women have a special allure that some men can’t resist.

That’s not to say Rachel is on good terms with her Aunt. It’s hard to be on good terms with someone who had a hand in the slaughter of her whole family. But she’s remarkably casual about agreeing to help out, going along with her fellow X-women to SWORD’s sub-orbital base, Peak. They even meet Cecilia Reyes there so she can give Deathbird a free assessment and not even charge a co-pay. This is somewhat confusing and not just because I had to wrestle with my insurance company just to see a doctor for a case of strep throat. They’re treating this alien like she’s just some cute college girl who got too crazy at a frat party and passed out in front of an emergency room. This is a woman who would probably arm-wrestle Gladiator for saying her ass looks fat. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

It becomes even more confusing when Rachel Grey agrees to help read Deathbird’s mind to figure out how the hell she ended up at SWORD in the first place. As the earlier flashback showed, this is someone who had a hand in the complete eradication of her entire family bloodline. Yet that seems to bother her less than having to wear a dirty pair of sox. It’s completely devoid of drama in a situation where there should at least be some. She could have at least tattooed a few dicks on Deathbird’s face to show she’s at least somewhat upset with the shit she’s done.

Instead, she just shrugs that shit off and teams up with Monet and Psylocke to read Deathbird’s mind. It makes for some colorful and interesting memories. It shows that Deathbird is a functional rageaholic, pitching fights and getting into plenty of trouble that a typical 12-step program won’t help with. It’s flashy, but lacking on details. I’m all for a story about a hot alien woman getting into trouble. It’s the basis of some of my favorite pornos. But even those need a little detail to spark my intrigue.

Rachel and her fellow telepaths are just as confused. They know Deathbird has gotten herself into a few too many bar fights. They just don’t know the circumstances and assume it had nothing to do with someone pinching her ass. Before they can even get a few helpful hints, SWORD is hit with more alien visitors in the form of a massive swarm of alien bugs. It’s almost like a metaphor for beautiful women that show up at a doorstep. They usually are there because some really fucked up shit is chasing them. I contend that a swarm of alien bugs isn’t quite as daunting as an ex-cop father with anger management issues, but it’s close. These little pests are called Sidrian Hunters. Since SWORD and the X-men are almost as used to killer aliens as they are killer robots, they don’t start shitting themselves. They just know this is going to be more frustrating than they thought. It still would help to have at least some drama, but I guess that’s asking for too much.

Things go to shit pretty quickly, but Agent Brand and the X-women still play it as cool as Tom Brady in the fourth quarter of a close game. The lights go out and the Sidrian Hunters infiltrate the base. It’s another flashy and fairly satisfying dose of action. It’s not all that different from the big green cloud of AIM goop from earlier, but at least these bugs have more personality. It’s still just as fun watching Storm hit them with lightning while Agent Brand unleashes her Game of Throne style violence. It doesn’t have to have a lot of drama to be satisfying, but it’s about as memorable as Rob Schneider’s acting career.

That doesn’t keep the battle from intensifying. The Sidrian Hunters are still able to get in pretty deep, making their way through SWORD’s defenses and a pissed off Agent Brand. It has much more detail than the earlier battle, making it a more enjoyable spectacle. These are not Sentinels or Skrulls. They didn’t even bring anal probes or attack Independence Day style. They came directly to SWORD, right on the heels of Deathbird. That means they’re not there to land on the White House lawn and demand that they be allowed to impregnate Sigorney Weaver. They’re there because of Deathbird. It’s a logical connection, but one that is also lacking details. I know I sound like one of my old English teachers, but I don’t grade on a fucking curve or force anyone to read boring ass books from the Victorian era that nobody cares about.

What finally gives this battle some weight is a revelation at the end from Cecilia Reyes. She doesn’t begin to speculate why these Sidrian Hunters are after Deathbird, but she does reveal that Deathbird is pregnant. That definitely adds a new dimension to this otherwise generic battle against a bunch of killer space bugs. It’s still lacking in details with respect to why anyone in the X-men should give a shit, but at this point I don’t think that should surprise anybody. That theme has already been well-established. That doesn’t mean I’m not intrigued. Anytime a beautiful alien women shows up pregnant, there’s usually an interesting story about it and sometimes it can be as sexy as it is disturbing. What? I can’t be the only guy who finds alien women sexy.

A lot of interesting new concepts emerged in this comic, but they were only slightly fleshed out. It’s like throwing ice cream, chocolate fudge, and whiskey into a blender, but not turning it on. It’s basically partial cock-blocking because only to the extent that it delays rather than hinders a chance at awesome. The tone, characterizations, and setting all work fairly nicely, albeit not in a particularly spectacular manner. Those who got real sick of the Shi’ar after The Trial of Jean Grey will probably start dry heaving, but those who missed Abigail Brand’s crass yet bonerific personality will rejoice. The lack of drama and follow-through are the two major shortcomings in this issue, but all the minor details and overall setting are spot on. I give X-men #18 a 6 out of 10. I’m all for beautiful women fighting an invasion of killer aliens. I’m even for plugging Game of Thrones. I’m even for beautiful alien women getting knocked up. But for the love of Odin, could Rachel Grey get at least somewhat pissed at the assholes that killed her family? Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #17

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Uncharted and Off-Track: X-men #16

The following is my review of X-men #16, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Even in the era of GPS and Google Maps, it’s easy to get lost. Even if the destination is clear and there have been successful trips before, there’s always a chance of getting off-track and those chances are worse than anyone cares to admit. It usually isn’t the first wrong turn that gets things going in the wrong direction. It’s the fifth, sixth, and tenth turns that changes the situation from merely being off-course to being in another time zone. For the situation surrounding the all-female X-men, it’s hard to know what time zone they’re in, but their watches are clearly not synchronized.

When this new, female-centric X-men series began, the destination for the story was fairly clear. And for the most part, it reached that destination safely on numerous occasions. This series wasn’t just about an all-female team of X-men. It created a unique team dynamic that gave the story a unique context. However, that dynamic has faltered in recent issues and X-men #16 is a culmination of one too many wrong turns and a few too many missed turns. If this story were on a road trip, it would be in the wrong state by now.

Initially, this story was built around one fairly simple conflict. The biological father of Shogo, Jubilee’s adopted son, has returned to claim him. It was a conflict that fit nicely into the overall narrative of the series because it began with Jubilee rescuing Shogo. That conflict might provide a simple foundation, but everything built on top of it lacks structure and refinement, like a gingerbread house that doesn’t have enough frosting. There’s a clear attempt to turn this conflict into something that explores other side-plots going on throughout the all-female team, such as the presence of Storm’s future daughter, Kymera, and the training of younger mutants like Hellion into a more capable team of X-men. While these are plots worth exploring, they end up detracting from the main conflict. At times, it feels like they’re in the wrong X-men comics.

Some of these plots, like Kymera, are appropriate to explore in some respect. There’s just only so much that can be explored while the main focus is supposed to be on rescuing Jubilee and protecting Shogo. Kymera’s foresight into the future should give her and Storm so many things to discuss. Who is her father? Who lives and who dies? Do Cyclops and Wolverine ever mend the Schism? Will Deadpool ever shut up? None of this comes up. Everything is centered around the conflict with Shogo and Jubilee. While this keeps the story focused, it essentially hijacks this unresolved story. It would be like someone having the power to see into the future, but the only thing they use it for is to check the weather for the next football game.

It also doesn’t help that Shogo’s father, who calls himself The Future, doesn’t come off as a character worth hijacking these other plots. He operates under the principle of shoot-random-people-and-wing-it-from-there. He’s supposed to be this extremely dangerous crime lord with access to weapons and personnel that would impress even the Kingpin, but he decides to go about retrieving his son in the most inefficient and messy way possible. There doesn’t appear to be any underlying motivation to his actions or his desire to get Shogo. He gives the impression that he just doesn’t like anyone taking things that belong to him, be it his Sunday newspaper or infant son that he did nothing to protect. He doesn’t even show the slightest affection for his son. He just wants him back because Shogo is his, not because he wants to know the joys of fatherhood.

This further limits the emotional impact of the conflict. The Future is painfully generic as a character and a threat. In addition, the all-female X-men don’t even go about attacking him in a very efficient way. They think they’ve done enough preparation, but when they encounter an exotic defense system that involves turning the vegetation against them. It’s nowhere near as epic as the walking trees in Lord of the Rings and only serves to slow the narrative down even further.

But it isn’t just the slow pace of the story that makes it feel lost and disorganized. Many conversations and actions are just too predictable. Jubilee’s argument with The Future could have been cut and pasted from an old Superfriends cartoon. The Future plays into every villainous stereotype, making no effort whatsoever to create any sense of depth. All Jubilee can do is give a typical Braveheart style speech, minus the painted face and mooning. It doesn’t create any strong emotions. It doesn’t create any tension either. It’s might as well be an excuse to get the X-men out of the Jean Grey Institute and fight something besides killer robots and resurrected enemies.

That’s not to say the conflict is without merit. While the plot might be slow and the dialog might be forgettable, the story never loses sight of the main theme of the story. The focus is still on the X-men fighting to retain custody of Shogo. It’s a conflict that offered plenty of reasons for excitement in the beginning. But as this story drags, the excitement wanes. That doesn’t make the conflict any less meaningful. Jubilee has undergone numerous conflicts in adopting Shogo as her son. Many of those conflicts have made for some of the most compelling stories in this series, but this one is just poorly developed and poorly organized.

The details might be lacking, but nobody gets mischaracterized and nobody does anything that completely undermines their established personality. X-men #16 certainly feels like an X-men comic, albeit a very disorganized and underwhelming X-men comics, but it doesn’t feel like the same X-men comic that had been built around this powerful, all-female cast. Like hippie protesters, it tries to do too much and only ends up next to nothing.

Final Score: 4 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #10

There are some things that men are inherently petrified of and for most of human history, religion and government have conspired to exploit those fears, sometimes with the help of big business. Chief among those fears involves women. And no, I’m not talking about the mysterious workings of the female orgasm or the innate discomfort men endure whenever a woman discusses her period. I’m talking about the overwhelming fear that in some dark meeting place in some remote location, the women of the world conspire to use every man’s boner against him. It’s paralyzing, knowing that women can control men by simply controlling their penises. I personally have much more pressing fears, namely my landlord and the DEA. But I admit this fear has crossed my mind a few times. Yet it’s because of that fear that the concept of an all-female team of supervillains is so awesome. That team has been assembling for the past few issues in Brian Wood’s X-men. And X-men #10 promises to put that team one step closer to turning every man’s penis into a puppet string. In other words, be afraid men with working balls. Be very afraid.

Considering how chaotic and disorganized the previous issue was, it’s nice to get a quick recap from the perspective of Lady Deathstrike, who kicked up this shit storm from the beginning. The basic details are simple, but important to recall. Lady Deathstrike took over the body of a rich Columbian woman with a nice ass named Ana Cortes. She tried to break into the Jean Grey Institute to learn more about Arkea, the crazy primordial sister of John Sublime. She managed to obtain a sample of Arkea from Emora the Enchantress and even gave Akrea a new body with her assistant Reiko. And in return for serving Arkea, they would get some kick-ass cybernetic upgrades. It’s not completely unreasonable. I’m sure there are plenty of men and women alike who would sell their souls to Mephisto himself to get the latest iPhone a year in advance.

This recap helps add some context to Monet, who got her ass kicked by the Enchantress in the previous issue. She found out that hard way that perfection only goes so far against magic, especially when it’s being wielded by a hot blond demigod with a great rack and a pussy boner for Thor. She got roughed up so badly that she was declared dead by the authorities in Dubai, who I guess were on a coffee break from arresting rape victims who reported their crimes. I wish that shit actually happens. But Monet doesn’t have to deal with Middle Eastern justice. She is awakened by Gabriel Sheppard, who has been assisting the X-women since the Sisterhood returned. He helps her recover her balance, but not her pride. He also takes it upon himself to ensure that Akrea doesn’t spread like the clap at Flavor Flav’s birthday party. He’s basically a glorified janitor for the X-women. I think radical feminists everywhere will give their tentative seal of approval for this moment.

Monet then meets up with Storm and the rest of the X-women, who are still trying to track down spikes in Arkea’s activity. They’re the ones that put her down before so they’ve taken it upon themselves to deal with her again, even though she has made friends with a fucking Asgardian. And now they have Monet helping them. She adds a bit of muscle, but beyond that it helps solidify her new role with the team.

It’s easy to forget after a few too many bong hits that she only recently came back to the X-men and admits she hasn’t exactly been using her time wisely. I take that to mean she spent too much time in overpriced spas and watching Downtown Abby rather than helping her fellow X-men save the world. It has been a while since Monet has had this kind of role and while I think she’s basically the Kristen Stewart of the X-men at the moment, it’s nice to see that she’s willing to put the extra effort into being part of the team again.

With Monet adding her knack for perfection to the X-men’s arsenal, Arkea understands something that the rest of the Sisterhood can’t seem to wrap their heads around. Pissing off the X-men is a bad idea. It’s like beating up on a polar bear’s cub and stealing their food. Even for someone as powerful as Akrea, she understands that the Sisterhood needs to be more resourceful if they’re to stand a chance. She also makes it clear that she’s the alpha female of this team at the moment. Lady Deathstrike, Typhoid Mary, and Enchantress bitch about it at first, but Arkea makes it clear that she has the plan and the resources necessary to turn that angry polar bear against the X-men. And if they want to be around to see it, they need to quit their bitching and obey her. There’s something very S&M about her attitude, but neither I nor my penis will argue with results.

The X-men still have allies of their own, namely John Sublime. He’s the one that initially warned the X-men about Arkea and he’s the one that helped them defeat her. It would have been perfectly fine if that was the extent of his role, but for some reason there has to be this fucked up romantic sub-plot between him and Rachel Grey. This is what really left me scratching my head with the previous issue and for once it wasn’t because I was in withdrawal. At no point in this series or any previous X-men series did Rachel and Sublime flirt, kiss, or even make dirty jokes to one another. Yet they talk to each other like two people who have been going out on dates, dry humping in the back seat of a car, and texting naked pictures of themselves to one another on a weekly basis. Maybe this shit all happened off-panel, but even if it did it has absolutely no emotional resonance.

I know I’m basically repeating the same criticism I had in X-men #9, but the same goddamn problem persists in this issue. Why the fuck would Rachel Grey have any sort of inclination to John Sublime or vice versa? Granted, Rachel has Jean Grey’s rack and Cyclops’s sex appeal, but to portray them as a serious love interest is like Adam Sandler trying to play a part in an M. Night Shyamalan movie. It doesn’t work and it isn’t compelling in the slightest. I’m okay with love interests forming in any comic, but only if there’s some actual fucking development.

The conversation with Rachel and Sublime was a complete waste of time. Storm and Monet’s next lead on the Sisterhood wasn’t much better. But at least they got to dive out of a moving jet and hang out on a fancy yacht owned by Lady Deathstrike’s meat puppet, Ana Cortes. They claim they tracked Akrea’s single to the ship, but they find jack shit when they arrive. So really it accomplishes almost as much as Sublime and Rachel’s overly contrived relationship. It just shows that the X-women are still failing miserably to track the Sisterhood. At least their actions make some fucking sense.

Speaking of strategies that make sense, Arkea makes it clear that she has a bold and downright crazy plan to deal with the X-women and it doesn’t involve using Cyclops’s penis. Now safe within another Sisterhood hideout, she makes good use of the information that Lady Deathstrike stole from the Jean Grey Institute by finding a few familiar females that also have an incentive to horribly maim the X-men. And she wants to bring both of them into the Sisterhood. But who could be powerful enough or dangerous enough to take on the X-men? How about Madelyne Pryor and fucking Selene Gallio, the Goblin Queen and the Black Queen.

So now we know who this whole resurrection plot is referring to. I suspected that Madelyne Pryor would be a strong candidate, but Selene? Fuck, that’s like adding napalm and gasoline to a fire. It’s so awesome and dangerous that even the Sisterhood has reservations about bringing them aboard. These are two women that have a history of trying to unleash zombie hoards and make deals with demons. Then again, I suspect the same for some of my ex-girlfriends so maybe they’re tapping into just the right kind of womanpower. It’s enough to evoke both fear and excitement from the brain to the genitals.

Sadly, we don’t get to see Akrea and the Sisterhood recruit the Goblin Queen and the Black Queen back from the dead. Instead, we only see some of the younger X-men, as led by Jubilee, hanging out on a nice tropical beach. But they’re not there to work on their tan or take pictures of topless sunbathers. At the end of the previous issue, Akrea did a little something extra to keep the X-men busy. She reactivated a bunch of rusted old Sentinels that were withering away on the ocean floor. They’re even coordinating with Omega Sentinel, who also is trying to establish herself in the X-men like Monet. She’s just playing it on easy mode by going after the Sentinels.

And they do eventually arrive. The Sentinels show up on the beach like a shark attack, but they’re still old and rusted. So the prospect of the young X-men fighting them doesn’t give the impression that they’re in a lot of danger. They’ve got plenty of firepower and training to take down these things. It’s not just playing the game on easy mode. They might as well be using cheat codes. I would much rather see the Goblin Queen and the Black Queen showing up on the final page. Instead, I only see another Sentinel attack. It’s like watching a rerun of my favorite porno after I’ve jerked off. It really doesn’t do much other than remind me I need to wait a while before the real fun can begin.

This issue didn’t bring a whole lot of new developments to the table, but it did move the story forward in a more concise manner. It also revealed who would be resurrected to join the Sisterhood and the prospect of Madelyne Pryor and Selene Gallio joining the fray is just too awesome for my penis to articulate. Even though we don’t get to see them, the mere possibility that those two could join an already bonerific team of villainous women makes this issue worth-while. However, the WTF involved in the Rachel Grey/John Sublime sub-plot and the rusted old Sentinels attacking a beach just fell flat. It’s not going to keep me from getting excited about the future of this series. But it only allows me to give X-men #10 a 5 out of 10. Two more dangerous women who look awesome in a thong are about join the Sisterhood. On behalf of my penis and all men who admire devious women, I say thank you Marvel. Nuff said!