Scanned Thoughts: X-men #23

Some concepts are pretty hard to fuck up. Michael Bay has been trying for years to make people bored of watching shit blow up. He’s yet to succeed and he probably won’t for the foreseeable future. But even if these concepts can’t be fucked up, they can be rendered somewhat boring. Having an all-female cast of X-men is one of those concepts that just looks so inherently awesome on paper that it would take omega level ineptitude or negligence to make it boring. I won’t say that the all-female X-men has gotten quite that bad, but lately it has been less relevant than Rob Schneider’s acting career.

It’s not that the all-female X-men have been boring. They just have been stuck in a state of mediocrity and stagnation. Since X-men: Battle of the Atom, it really hasn’t played a major role in the world of X-men comics. This has rendered it downright forgettable and it hasn’t helped that the stories have fallen short as well. There’s a lot to love about this estrogen-rich cast, but little is done to make that love feel requited. Now G. Willow Wilson, the mastermind that made Ms. Marvel the most lovable thing since smores and hot chocolate, is taking a stab at the all-female X-men. X-men #23 has the same all-female cast of kick-ass X-women. They just need a stage and a story to show off their badassery in a way that will inspire hearts, stimulate minds, and tighten pants.

The stage for this story isn’t exactly exotic, unless I missed a meeting where someone decided that the Blackrock desert in Utah counts as exotic. I’ll just assume I was too drunk to attend that meeting because it’s not just some random desert where hipsters and rave fans like to go to get away from asshole police, overbearing parents, and Mormons. It’s also one of the many places Gambit likes to go and test out his new pick-up lines. It sounds out of place in a comic that’s supposed to be about strong women who don’t need a penis to be badass, but I don’t think the feminazis will be too upset when the women Gambit hits tell him to fuck off. To be fair, he tried to offer them a fucking Chakra massage. Maybe that would’ve worked when Naturo was still big, but these days it’ll get a guy rejected, slapped, and sued.

The shameless flirting for Gambit ends quickly, but it should still give Channing Tatum enough material to work with for the upcoming Gambit movie (I’m sure actresses hoping to play Rogue are already lining up). It goes to shit fast and not because of sexual harassment lawsuit. Out of nowhere, a strange storm that would have everyone at the Weather Channel shitting themselves forms over the desert. It’s the kind of storm that should trigger all kinds of WTFs since this is probably the most fucked up thing to happen to Utah since the Osmond family. But as it just so happens, Gambit knows a woman who can manipulate the weather and, as far as we know, he hasn’t disgusted her to the point where she blocks his phone calls.

He calls the Jean Grey Institute just as Jubilee is having a nice family moment with Shogo. He’s still a baby and he’s just learning to walk. Despite the dire situation, it’s a sweet little moment that has been lacking from this series lately. So when Gambit calls, it actually has more depth than a typical, “We’re fucked! Please send someone to unfuck us!” situation. While it would’ve been nice to see more motherly moments with Jubilee and Shogo, I can understand the sense of urgency.

In addition, Utah isn’t the only place facing environmental anomalies. While Jubilee is on the phone with Gambit, she noticed something wrong with Karoka, aka the institute’s front lawn. On the surface, it feels like one of those random sub-plots that has derailed previous arcs in this series. But this time, it feels like it could be connected since it is dealing with weather anomalies. It helps that it’s not quite as egregious as past issues, but like a bad cold sore on Courtney Love’s mouth, it’s still a sign that some of these flaws aren’t going to go away easy.

The X-women all respond to the call as quickly as possible. This includes Storm, Rachel Grey, Psylocke, and Monet. They arrive just in time to see this storm create a massive sink-hole that looks like something Rush Limbaugh made in his toilet. There have already been casualties, but not enough to make the typical citizen of the Marvel universe change their vacation plans. And they hope to keep it that way.

This is where Storm comes in. Being Marvel’s ultimate weather wizard, she takes to the skies and attempts to use her powers to contain this storm. It’s another chance for her to demonstrate why she’s the most awesome character in X-men and why she alone is better than any shitty Inhumans replacement. But in demonstrating her awesome, she reveals in her thoughts that this is no ordinary storm. She’s like an extra on a Transformers movie, struggling to make sense of it all. It’s confusing, but still a kick-ass spectacle that’s both sexy and empowering. So even feminazis can jerk off to this one as well.

The problem is that this exotic storm ends up being too much, even for Ororo Munroe’s exotic form of awesome. When winds aren’t enough, she tries to solve the problem with lightning. While this might work for Toad in a shitty X-men movie, it doesn’t work for this and it ends up making shit worse. Then again, it wouldn’t be all that exciting if there weren’t a few complications anyhow so this helps add to the spectacle. There’s even a little slight about Storm being off her game since Wolverine died. It’s a shitty thing to say, but it might be accurate and it helps add some extra drama to the conflict, something else this series has been lacking lately.

Rachel, Psylocke, and Monet attempt to help Storm before this exotic weather system that must have come from Roland Emmerich’s worst nightmare. But in doing so, they make another unfortunate discovery that shows why lightning didn’t work as well as it did against Toad. This storm isn’t just some random effect of Mother Nature having a bad hangover. This storm actually has a mind. That means Storm’s effort to control it might have been the equivalent of someone pouring a bucket of cow piss on a sleeping roommate’s head to wake them up. I know from experience that tends to generate some very nasty reactions. And this one is no different because the storm ends up throwing her into the crater.

It sounds overly simple on paper and it is. A storm with a mind of its own isn’t the most novel concept to come along in X-men. How can it be when this is the same series that gave rise to mutants named Negasonic Teenage Warhead? But it still feels fresher than anything we’ve seen from this series in a while now. It’s not trying to fix previous stories or completely change the tone of the series. It’s just doing something different and making it work. If only the Hangover movies could’ve done the same with the sequels.

But it isn’t just the new ideas and fresh take on old concepts that make this story feel refreshing. There’s some actual drama thrown into the mix, which has been by far this series’ biggest shortcoming as of late. That drama takes the form of a claustrophobia-induced delusion that Storm has of Wolverine. It gives additional weight to the sentiment that Storm has not been the same since his death. It makes for a nice moment that should have Wolverine fans smiling in ways that the Daken and inverted Sabretooths of the world just can’t match.

There’s a real sense of heart and sadness in this moment, something that has always brought out the best in Storm. She’s dealt with a lot of tragedy in the past, especially recently. But she’s always found a way to become stronger as a result. That’s what makes her one of Marvel’s best female characters. Tragedy doesn’t make her weaker. It pisses her off and gives her more incentive to kick ass. That’s something most men can’t say with a straight face and this moment alone is what makes this issue worth buying.

While Storm is clawing her way out of the crater and punching her phobia in the balls, the mystery of this storm is unfolding in other ways. Back at the Jean Grey Institute, Jubilee and Beast are still involved. It’s not yet established that the storm in Utah is affecting Karoka, but since these kinds of coincidences are the comic book equivalent of a shitty poker face, it’s safe to assume there’s a connection. Knowing he’s about to go on trial for his douche-baggery very soon, Beast decides to give Karoka a checkup, but only after he throws up. It’s as disgusting as it sounds. For those not experienced in dry-heaves during a hangover, it might be one of those scenes that’s worth skipping.

Karoka’s health is definitely a concern for the X-men and whoever is unlucky enough to have to mow the front lawn. But Storm’s condition is a much greater concern for the rest of the X-women. After she drags the exotic storm into the crater with her, they conclude she’s probably outmatched now that they’re in an environment that’s not exactly healthy for someone with severe claustrophobia. So Rachel, Monet, and Psylocke go in after her because like the marines, badass X-women don’t leave anyone behind.

This was a fairly solid issue. I’m not going to say my dick was throbbing to the point where I had to picture John Goodman naked, but I was able to walk out of my comic book store with an awkward boner and I think that’s a good enough indicator. This story was cohesive and concise in that it didn’t attempt to do too much. It didn’t get derailed by any WTF moments, which have been plaguing this series for a while now. It didn’t get too bold either. Nobody is going to read this issue and think they took one too many hits of LSD. But considering the precedent, this issue worked as well as it could have.

This comic succeeded in taking these all-female X-men characters and putting them into a conflict. That conflict was still light on details and not every character got a chance to be awesome, but it still felt like a story that hit all the right chords. That’s something haven’t been able to say about this series for a while. The pacing is still a bit slow and some plots were more underdeveloped than others, but this now feels like a series that I can actually look forward to again and not just because badass X-women make my penis happy. I give X-men #23 a 7 out of 10. My penis and I don’t usually agree on much, but I think we’re on the same page with this comic. Nuff said!

X-men #23 - Internationally Imported Awesome

X-men Regenesis has been like a long overdue enema. It feels uncomfortable as hell at first, but when you see all the shit that it clears out you wonder how you ever let it get that fucked up. Every X-men comic has benefited from Regenesis in some way. Few have benefited as greatly as Victor Gischler's adjectiveless X-men. His series was once the forgotten, abused, and readily ignored step-child of the X-books. It wasn't a bad book by any stretch, but it wasn't going to steal your attention and hold it in a death grip either. It was mediocre at best and forgetable at worst. X-men Regenesis changed that and it didn't need to use a vampire gimmick this time.

Gischler's X-book has always been sound on paper, much like the first script for Battlefield Earth. It's supposed to show the X-men interacting with the greater Marvel universe. It's done this, albeit with mixed results that can't quite compare to the depravity of Battlefield Earth. But X-men Regenesis gave it a fresh lease on life by actually setting up a team with which to associate the book. Storm takes the lead as she probably should have done from the beginning. You just aren't as likely to fuck with someone who can literally shoot a lightning bolt up your ass. Others such as Psylocke, Colossus, Domino, Warpath, and vampire Jubilee joined as well. It's the kind of team that has a unique identity, but are still distinctly X-men. Plus, they have a vampire in their ranks for crying out loud. You can't have a good X-book without catering to the tween crowd now can you?

The first arc of Regenesis style X-men has been a surprising dose of thrills, political intrigue, and giant robots. All are perfect ingredients for an X-book or a Michael Bay film, minus the $200 million budget. It started with a black market deal for sentinels that ended up in the hands of a small oddly named country of Puternicstan, who with the lead of a Hillary Clinton wannabe unleash their stolen sentinels on the equally oddly named country of Symkaria. Since the X-men like to involve themselves in all things sentinel (or they just see fighting robots as a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon), they get involved. Along the way, they cross paths with War Machine. At first he tells the X-men to back off. Storm, being a freakin' queen last I checked, smiles and nods before giving him the finger once he turns his back. They eventually cross paths again and start working together, but by then it was too late. Puternicstan launched their attack and the first pages of X-men #23 show Storm's team leading the charge to take them down before robot wars become too trendy.

The one setting this trend is the Hillary Clinton-esque governor of Puternicstan I mentioned earlier. She's shown to have bigger balls than all the candidates in the GOP (which I know may not be saying much, but you get the picture). She's actually bold enough to launch an attack with robots on their neighbor. Some might call that ballsy, but even those with penises have a problem with that. While she watches the X-men fight her sentinel army, one of her own generals tries to stop her. Apparently having a penis doesn't automatically make you okay with starting a war. Unfortunately, the governor's vagina is that much more powerful because she has her own people contain the traitorous bastard. Somewhere out there, radical feminists are masturbating to this scene. And I have no desire to deprive them so I'll simply shut up for a moment.

Done ladies? Okay, back to the X-men. They're also sort of iffy on the whole launching a robot war thing. In the last issue Warpath and Psylocke caught up with Domino, who managed to avoid being dissected and sold to necrophiliacs. With her help they manage to find a low level scientist that they hope can help them find the off switch for these sentinels. Because scientists in the Marvel universe have more brain cells than those in the Matrix or the Terminator universe. They actually go out of their way to ensure that their killer robots have off switches. I can only assume that scientists in certain fictional universes get drunk on the job more often than I do and that's why simple shit like this slips their mind.

They find out that there is in fact a central control area where they can end this shit. Unfortunately, the governor of Puternicstan has brains in addition to her vagina. So that means she has alarms go off when someone starts busting their way into the master control room. She ends up sending her security forces to go slow them down. It may sound like your typical throw-your-henchmen-at-the-heroes-to-be-humiliated type command, but she also hasn't forgotten that time is on her side. She's already launched the sentinels. Domino, Warpath, and Psylocke have no hope of getting backup from their friends. On top of that the sentinels do land a few lucky blows, namely against War Machine since he doesn't fight sentinels as often in his spare time. SO that screws up the X-men's mojo. So that means they need to find that off switch and find it fast.

While they're fighting their way through, the battle with Storm, Colossus, Jubilee, and War Machine continues taking some unexpected turns. Despite War Machine's inexperience in fighting robot mutant killers, he's able to pick himself up and salvage at least some of his dignity. A battle against the X-men and sentinels is rarely fair, but in a year where the Detroit fucking Lions made the playoffs it's not unheard of that unexpected twists emerge. You could argue that Jubilee, who isn't even a mutant anymore, hot wiring a sentinel and crashing it into the ground is novel. It adds to a beautifully organized battle scene in the skies that's much nicer to drool over than the bland Eastern European government buildings that the others are fighting in. But this only sets up another twist.

It's worth reminding that Victor Gischler was the one that turned Jubilee into a vampire. Pretty much every story surrounding Jubilee's vampirism has come from Gischler. Now say what you will about the decision to do this. Yeah, maybe Marvel was trying to appeal to the Twilight crowd without getting too gay. But Jubilee's character has taken on some amazing twists since she became a blood sucker. Her being a vampire has led to far more novel stories than her just being a mutant. That's my opinion and if you disagree than we can agree to disagree and share a bong hit. Except you have to buy the weed.

That said, when Jubilee crashes the sentinel she encounters someone unexpected. He's not someone who has any part in the whole Puternicstan conflict. He claims he's been watching Jubilee, presumably in the same way horny teenage girls watch Robert Pattinson take his shirt off on the beach through a pair of binoculars (or maybe that's just my ex-girlfriend). Who is this guy? It's not clear, but he does resemble a character that was introduced in a previous issue of Gischler's adjectiveless X-men. He was a vampire that Xavier encountered back in the day when he wasn't mind wiping students and imprisoning Danger. He claims that he can show Jubilee a whole new world. I'm sure that's code for "I'm getting in your panties tonight and there's nothing you can do about it." But whatever the subtext, Jubilee completely disappears after this scene.

She couldn't have picked a worse time to disappear either. By now the sentinels are swarming around Storm, Colossus, and War Machine. The governor of Puternicstan is trying to one-up Hillary Clinton and hit the X-men with a healthy dose of overkill. They start landing some lucky blows. Yes, even mindless robot killers can get lucky every now and then and not in a very fetish sounding way. Even Storm gets herself in trouble when one of the sentinels grabs her. Yet all this time War Machine is contributing absolutely nothing. For a crossover book, he's really not affecting much. He's just adding some guns to the fight, but who needs guns when you've got a guy with Juggernaut's power and a chick with lightning? He's basically an afterthought that really can't change the tide of this battle. Suddenly that off switch is sounding very appealing.

While this battle is going on, the others have fought their way to the master control room. The Hillary Clinton wannabe tries to stop them, but then Domino knocks her out by making her kiss the butt of her gun (not a lesbian joke). She had Domino captured. She knocks her out. Sounds fair. Then Psylocke is able to get in touch with Madison Jefferies back on Utopia, who helps her decipher the systems that the fine folk of Peternicstan have used to hijack the sentinels. If it's programmed like typical Eastern European hardware, I can only assume that the ability to use Windows Vista without pulling your hair out renders you overqualified for the task. Jefferies helps Psylocke enter the shut-down code and that's what ends the battle. It sounds a bit overly easy, but if you just wanted the X-men to destroy all the robots then you're just greedy. Despite the words of Gordon Gecko, that's just not good in this context.

But it doesn't stop with shutting down the sentinels. Once all is calm, the comic flashes forward a bit. We find out that War Machine actually does prove useful in some areas. He calls in some favors from his buddies at NATO to clean up the mess in Puternicstan. They also arrest the Hillary Clinton wannabe and put her on trail. It's not the flashy kind of heroics that you would see in Uncanny X-men or Wolverine and the X-men. It's treated like a security threat with law, lawyers, and governments. It's more exciting than it sounds and it succeeds in setting the tone for this book. I suppose even political junkies that watch C-SPAN need a comic to call their own these days.

But the mission isn't over. In fact, the stage was already set for the next conflict in this series several pages back. When Storm returns to Utopia, she reports to Cyclops that they looked everywhere and couldn't find Jubilee. I'm pretty sure that her running off with a mysterious boy that may or may not be trying to get into her pants is a concern, but her own well-being is probably just as great a concern. And Storm makes it clear that she's not going to consider her mission a success until she finds Jubilee. She's just that kind of woman and if that guy actually does manage to screw with Jubilee, then I'm sure Storm will see to it that Mother Nature renders him a eunuch.

Some may find this ending annoying. I, for one, enjoyed it and not because I tend to read my comics while I'm drunk. This first arc succeeded as the first arcs of Uncanny X-men and Wolverine and the X-men succeeded. It firmly established the theme of the series. From the beginning of the arc to the end, Gischler made clear that this was a unique brand of X-men. They take on the kind of security threats that could upset the ever so fragile order that the X-men kind of need. But this series set itself apart. Before everything with Puternicstan was resolved, the conflict for the next arc was set into motion. And wouldn't you know it? Vampire Jubilee, the same Vampire Jubilee that Gischler created with his first arc, is at the center of it. So not only is the plot for this arc resolved, but the conflict for the next arc has already begun. It's like a preview within an ending. It may confuse some, but if it doesn't get you excited for the next issue then you're either too high or just a dick.

Compared to recent arcs of adjectiveless X-men, this was by far the best. It was an improvement on every level. It wasn't perfect. I have a hard time placing it on the same level as Wolverine and the X-men or Uncanny X-men because those two books have an established tradition of awesome. X-men still has the baggage of mediocrity to overcome. It definitely made strides here. It was complete on some levels. These books are supposed to utilize the greater Marvel universe and War Machine was kind of lost in this issue. But the theme was still in place and Gischler made it work through a solid mix of politics, social commentary, and robots blowing up. That's basically a metaphor for X-men as a whole.

I'm really glad that this series has improved. When I first heard about this series, I was excited at the prospect of the X-men having a book solely dedicated to utilizing other characters from the Marvel universe. But that excitement was overshadowed by the quality X-books that completely outshined it like Uncanny X-Force and Schism. There was really little reason to follow this book, but Regenesis has made the most compelling argument yet for X-men fans to add this to their pull list. It has Storm leading the X-men, other Marvel heroes joining them, and the potential for more killer robots. Seriously, what more do you need? That's why I give X-men #23 a 4.5. It's back to basics with X-men. They fight killer robots and save misguided teenagers. So what if one of them is a vampire now? She's basically the best blood-sucker on the market until the next season of True Blood begins. Nuff said!