Scanned Thoughts: X-men #26

When it comes to the X-men, it’s hard for anything they face to feel overly exotic. This is a team that deals with aliens, gods, dictators, and religious bigots all in the same week. It’s hard to put them in a situation that’ll feel genuinely novel. That doesn’t mean the stories of these situations can’t be awesome. If people got tired of seeing their favorite characters follow a familiar formula with their adventures, the Simpsons wouldn’t have lasted over 25 years. And in the same way I enjoy the Simpsons, I enjoy seeing the X-men deal with crazy yet familiar challenges.

There’s nothing all that mind-blowing about the latest clusterfuck the X-women have encountered. They’re trapped in a deep, subterranean realm in the Black Rock Desert and one of them happens to be horribly claustrophobic. It sounds like both an adventure and an upcoming reality show on NBC. While it would suck as a reality show, it has done a good job of putting the X-women in a situation that brings out the strengths of their characters. Some have shown more strength than others. That’s hard to avoid in a team that has both Storm and Monet in its ranks. Nobody’s going to feel their mind and heart race in this story without the aid from some really good weed, but X-men #26 still has plenty to offer. But does it deliver? It does, but not in the way you might expect.

For a good chunk of this arc, the X-women have been stumbling around in this cave trying to figure out why it’s trying to become Earth’s latest rectal wart not caused by fracking. Somewhere along the line, they uncovered that it’s part of yet another Kree clusterfuck and this one didn’t even have the decency to give a hot blonde superpowers. It just created the kind of death trap that the X-men find themselves in at least once a month. At this point, they’re done playing Indiana Jones. They just want to get the fuck out before they have to outrun giant boulders. And since this cave is being fueled by Kree douche-baggery, it doesn’t make it easy for them.

Rachel, Psylocke, and Monet’s escape attempts are a lot more ambitious than Indiana Jones, but the cave just doesn’t want to let a bunch of pretty women out of it. I want to say I can’t blame it, but this cave has already displayed a Robert Durst level of creepy so I’ll stop myself. They’re able to escape, but not without feeling they just spent a weekend in Tony Stark’s bungalow. Then Storm shows up and it’s no longer a balanced battle.

Now Storm is supposed to be the claustrophobic one here. In fact, she’s been dealing with that shit for a good chunk of this arc. She’s been dealing with it to the point where it starts to drag. Finally, she decides to kick that phobia in the dick and join her friends. It’s not just an awesome display of how she can dry-hump nature on a whim. It also makes for an emotional reunion. She actually takes the time to embrace her friends. It may sound like the premise of most lesbian porn, but it actually has heart. It still gives me a boner. That doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate it though.

The emotional reunion lasts about as long as a Van Halen reunion because that cave isn’t done being a Kree-fueled asshole. It decides it’s no longer content just being the topic of a National Geographic documentary. It’s going to take a page right out Ghostbusters and become a big rampaging monster that’s nowhere near as adorable as the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. Even though it’s in the middle of a fucking desert, that desert just happens to be the site of some hipster goth concert. So there are plenty of people to crush. I know this probably doesn’t need to be said, but fuck the Kree.

The X-men go to work doing what they do whenever they see a giant monster and/or killer robot. They even have a chance to meet up with Gambit, who has done basically jack shit in this story. For all we know, he was having a three-way with a couple of goth chicks. And he keeps on doing jack shit as Storm and Rachel Grey attempt to attack the rock monster. It immediately tries to give them the Ray Rice treatment. But these are the X-women. Even a cave monster has to worry about more than a four-game suspension and a dipshit casino security guard.

It doesn’t exactly make for an epic battle on part with the final battle in Terminator 2. Rachel Grey actually tries to be the one that delivers the finishing blow. She fails miserably and that’s kind of a running theme with her. She’s such a powerhouse, but she does so much nothing in every X-men comic she’s in that she might as well be Brett Favre’s backup. It’s a symptom of a much bigger problem involving Rachel Grey as a character, but one that’s no more egregious than usual in the face of a giant rock monster.

Despite another self-deprecating moment, Rachel Grey gets a nice save from Jubilee, who has tried to contribute to this story as best a mutant-vampire/teen mother can. She flies in on one of the X-men’s many mini-jets and catch’s Rachel because I guess she just hasn’t been marginalized enough. But being part of the X-women, it’s fitting that she shows up since she has been working behind the scenes with Beast to figure out why this cave is more fucked up than any hole in the desert that nobody besides Bear Gylles would go.

It makes for another emotional reunion followed by more hugs. Again, that moment gets ruined when the big fucking rock monster crushes Jubilee’s mini-jet. I’m pretty sure that warrants combing Beast’s fur for a week. Given all the jets the X-men lose, they’re probably numb to such horrors.

The X-women make another attack. This time, Jubilee offers some advice. This thing is a result of yet another Kree fuck-up. Instead of creating another Captain Marvel, it created a pissed off rock monster. So maybe it makes more sense to reach out to that rock monster or at least make it think happy thoughts before they kick its rocky ass. It’s not the same as Chuck Norris just cracking his knuckles and hoping the sound of his bones is enough to shatter the monster, but it does offer something a little deeper than the typical monster/giant robot fight.

It also has the added benefit of allowing Rachel Grey to reveal just what’s pissing this creature off so much. It adds some details about the Kree fuck-up that created it. Surprise, some dip-shit humans helped add to it. First, a Kree satellite crashed because I guess that’s what Kree technology is best at doing. Then some dip-shit humans tried to turn it into a weapon and made it into a monster instead. Then a Kree soldier arrives to piss off said monster. It’s not so much a tragedy as it is a comedy of douche-baggery.

At the very least, the X-women show it some level of mercy. Rachel Grey makes sure the creature is numb before Storm blows it the fuck up in the most spectacular way possible. It is a little overly efficient in that it basically shows that Rachel Grey should never be on the front lines of a giant monster fight. But the added details about this creature help give its destruction some weight, which is something we don’t normally get when the X-men destroy a monster/killer robot. We’re just content to see shit blow up. That’s all well and good for a Transformers movie, but depth helps make it meaningful.

The X-women finally have a chance to catch their breath and the would-be concert-goers can finally stop shitting themselves. This is usually the part where they just shrug their shoulders and go onto fight the next killer monster that comes their way. But again, we get a little extra added depth.

They stand in the ruins of the creature and muse over the douche-baggery and incompetence that created it. On some levels, it was a tragedy because this monster wasn’t rubbing elbows with the Red Skull or anything. It was a victim of another Kree-inspired shit storm. And the X-women had to be the ones to put it down. It makes the moment more bittersweet, but in a good way.

It also makes for a sweet moment between Storm and Jubilee back at the Jean Grey Institute. Even though it was probably her claustrophobia fucking with her, Storm had visions of Wolverine in that cave. It adds a little extra emotion to a story that involved giant rock monster, which in and of itself is an accomplishment. It also shows that Wolverine’s death still has impact, even if the lawyers at Marvel Studios wish it didn’t.

Jubilee even tries to honor the dead rock monster in some weird yet fitting way. She takes a piece of it and gives it to Karoka, the Jean Grey Institute’s resident lawn monster. It’s a nice way of ensuring they don’t completely shrug off the tragedy that created this monster. And it gives Karoka hope that one day another Kree fuck-up will turn a mountain into a big-titted woman rock monster. Let’s face it. At the rate the Kree fuck up, that’s bound to happen at some point.

In terms of the larger arc, this story has dragged at times. That’s not to say it dragged as much as the last Martin Scorsese movie, but the X-women spent a bit too much time stumbling around in the dark. However, this issue offered a nice payoff to all that stumbling. They finally got the fuck out of that cave and kicked ass as only X-women can. But they ended up doing more than just destroy a rampaging rock monster. That’s the kind of shit anyone can see on a Power Rangers rerun. They found time to inject a little heart into the struggle. Sure, it still ended with Storm exercising her inner goddess and shattering the monster in ways no megazord can boast, but there was more to it and that helped give the story its impact.

Beyond fighting a rock monster, there was still time for nice character moments. Even Karoka got in on the act. Sure, some characters like Rachel Grey might as well be extras on a Star Trek rerun at this point. However, the characters that did have moments made the most of them. This extra bit of emotion is what has made the X-women awesome and worthy of their own series. This arc didn’t play to all their strengths, but it did enough to be satisfying. I give X-men #26 a 7 out of 10. So now the Kree have found a way to fuck with humans and mutants alike. Can someone just put a big sign on the moon at this point and tell the Kree to fuck off until the Captain Marvel movie comes out? I think everyone in the Marvel universe is tired of their shit at this point. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #23

Some concepts are pretty hard to fuck up. Michael Bay has been trying for years to make people bored of watching shit blow up. He’s yet to succeed and he probably won’t for the foreseeable future. But even if these concepts can’t be fucked up, they can be rendered somewhat boring. Having an all-female cast of X-men is one of those concepts that just looks so inherently awesome on paper that it would take omega level ineptitude or negligence to make it boring. I won’t say that the all-female X-men has gotten quite that bad, but lately it has been less relevant than Rob Schneider’s acting career.

It’s not that the all-female X-men have been boring. They just have been stuck in a state of mediocrity and stagnation. Since X-men: Battle of the Atom, it really hasn’t played a major role in the world of X-men comics. This has rendered it downright forgettable and it hasn’t helped that the stories have fallen short as well. There’s a lot to love about this estrogen-rich cast, but little is done to make that love feel requited. Now G. Willow Wilson, the mastermind that made Ms. Marvel the most lovable thing since smores and hot chocolate, is taking a stab at the all-female X-men. X-men #23 has the same all-female cast of kick-ass X-women. They just need a stage and a story to show off their badassery in a way that will inspire hearts, stimulate minds, and tighten pants.

The stage for this story isn’t exactly exotic, unless I missed a meeting where someone decided that the Blackrock desert in Utah counts as exotic. I’ll just assume I was too drunk to attend that meeting because it’s not just some random desert where hipsters and rave fans like to go to get away from asshole police, overbearing parents, and Mormons. It’s also one of the many places Gambit likes to go and test out his new pick-up lines. It sounds out of place in a comic that’s supposed to be about strong women who don’t need a penis to be badass, but I don’t think the feminazis will be too upset when the women Gambit hits tell him to fuck off. To be fair, he tried to offer them a fucking Chakra massage. Maybe that would’ve worked when Naturo was still big, but these days it’ll get a guy rejected, slapped, and sued.

The shameless flirting for Gambit ends quickly, but it should still give Channing Tatum enough material to work with for the upcoming Gambit movie (I’m sure actresses hoping to play Rogue are already lining up). It goes to shit fast and not because of sexual harassment lawsuit. Out of nowhere, a strange storm that would have everyone at the Weather Channel shitting themselves forms over the desert. It’s the kind of storm that should trigger all kinds of WTFs since this is probably the most fucked up thing to happen to Utah since the Osmond family. But as it just so happens, Gambit knows a woman who can manipulate the weather and, as far as we know, he hasn’t disgusted her to the point where she blocks his phone calls.

He calls the Jean Grey Institute just as Jubilee is having a nice family moment with Shogo. He’s still a baby and he’s just learning to walk. Despite the dire situation, it’s a sweet little moment that has been lacking from this series lately. So when Gambit calls, it actually has more depth than a typical, “We’re fucked! Please send someone to unfuck us!” situation. While it would’ve been nice to see more motherly moments with Jubilee and Shogo, I can understand the sense of urgency.

In addition, Utah isn’t the only place facing environmental anomalies. While Jubilee is on the phone with Gambit, she noticed something wrong with Karoka, aka the institute’s front lawn. On the surface, it feels like one of those random sub-plots that has derailed previous arcs in this series. But this time, it feels like it could be connected since it is dealing with weather anomalies. It helps that it’s not quite as egregious as past issues, but like a bad cold sore on Courtney Love’s mouth, it’s still a sign that some of these flaws aren’t going to go away easy.

The X-women all respond to the call as quickly as possible. This includes Storm, Rachel Grey, Psylocke, and Monet. They arrive just in time to see this storm create a massive sink-hole that looks like something Rush Limbaugh made in his toilet. There have already been casualties, but not enough to make the typical citizen of the Marvel universe change their vacation plans. And they hope to keep it that way.

This is where Storm comes in. Being Marvel’s ultimate weather wizard, she takes to the skies and attempts to use her powers to contain this storm. It’s another chance for her to demonstrate why she’s the most awesome character in X-men and why she alone is better than any shitty Inhumans replacement. But in demonstrating her awesome, she reveals in her thoughts that this is no ordinary storm. She’s like an extra on a Transformers movie, struggling to make sense of it all. It’s confusing, but still a kick-ass spectacle that’s both sexy and empowering. So even feminazis can jerk off to this one as well.

The problem is that this exotic storm ends up being too much, even for Ororo Munroe’s exotic form of awesome. When winds aren’t enough, she tries to solve the problem with lightning. While this might work for Toad in a shitty X-men movie, it doesn’t work for this and it ends up making shit worse. Then again, it wouldn’t be all that exciting if there weren’t a few complications anyhow so this helps add to the spectacle. There’s even a little slight about Storm being off her game since Wolverine died. It’s a shitty thing to say, but it might be accurate and it helps add some extra drama to the conflict, something else this series has been lacking lately.

Rachel, Psylocke, and Monet attempt to help Storm before this exotic weather system that must have come from Roland Emmerich’s worst nightmare. But in doing so, they make another unfortunate discovery that shows why lightning didn’t work as well as it did against Toad. This storm isn’t just some random effect of Mother Nature having a bad hangover. This storm actually has a mind. That means Storm’s effort to control it might have been the equivalent of someone pouring a bucket of cow piss on a sleeping roommate’s head to wake them up. I know from experience that tends to generate some very nasty reactions. And this one is no different because the storm ends up throwing her into the crater.

It sounds overly simple on paper and it is. A storm with a mind of its own isn’t the most novel concept to come along in X-men. How can it be when this is the same series that gave rise to mutants named Negasonic Teenage Warhead? But it still feels fresher than anything we’ve seen from this series in a while now. It’s not trying to fix previous stories or completely change the tone of the series. It’s just doing something different and making it work. If only the Hangover movies could’ve done the same with the sequels.

But it isn’t just the new ideas and fresh take on old concepts that make this story feel refreshing. There’s some actual drama thrown into the mix, which has been by far this series’ biggest shortcoming as of late. That drama takes the form of a claustrophobia-induced delusion that Storm has of Wolverine. It gives additional weight to the sentiment that Storm has not been the same since his death. It makes for a nice moment that should have Wolverine fans smiling in ways that the Daken and inverted Sabretooths of the world just can’t match.

There’s a real sense of heart and sadness in this moment, something that has always brought out the best in Storm. She’s dealt with a lot of tragedy in the past, especially recently. But she’s always found a way to become stronger as a result. That’s what makes her one of Marvel’s best female characters. Tragedy doesn’t make her weaker. It pisses her off and gives her more incentive to kick ass. That’s something most men can’t say with a straight face and this moment alone is what makes this issue worth buying.

While Storm is clawing her way out of the crater and punching her phobia in the balls, the mystery of this storm is unfolding in other ways. Back at the Jean Grey Institute, Jubilee and Beast are still involved. It’s not yet established that the storm in Utah is affecting Karoka, but since these kinds of coincidences are the comic book equivalent of a shitty poker face, it’s safe to assume there’s a connection. Knowing he’s about to go on trial for his douche-baggery very soon, Beast decides to give Karoka a checkup, but only after he throws up. It’s as disgusting as it sounds. For those not experienced in dry-heaves during a hangover, it might be one of those scenes that’s worth skipping.

Karoka’s health is definitely a concern for the X-men and whoever is unlucky enough to have to mow the front lawn. But Storm’s condition is a much greater concern for the rest of the X-women. After she drags the exotic storm into the crater with her, they conclude she’s probably outmatched now that they’re in an environment that’s not exactly healthy for someone with severe claustrophobia. So Rachel, Monet, and Psylocke go in after her because like the marines, badass X-women don’t leave anyone behind.

This was a fairly solid issue. I’m not going to say my dick was throbbing to the point where I had to picture John Goodman naked, but I was able to walk out of my comic book store with an awkward boner and I think that’s a good enough indicator. This story was cohesive and concise in that it didn’t attempt to do too much. It didn’t get derailed by any WTF moments, which have been plaguing this series for a while now. It didn’t get too bold either. Nobody is going to read this issue and think they took one too many hits of LSD. But considering the precedent, this issue worked as well as it could have.

This comic succeeded in taking these all-female X-men characters and putting them into a conflict. That conflict was still light on details and not every character got a chance to be awesome, but it still felt like a story that hit all the right chords. That’s something haven’t been able to say about this series for a while. The pacing is still a bit slow and some plots were more underdeveloped than others, but this now feels like a series that I can actually look forward to again and not just because badass X-women make my penis happy. I give X-men #23 a 7 out of 10. My penis and I don’t usually agree on much, but I think we’re on the same page with this comic. Nuff said!