CBR: X-POSITION With Brian Michael Bendis - My Questions Asked (And Then Some)

I'm at that point in my life where I've learned not to ask too many questions. I don't ask where McDonald's gets its beef. I don't ask how much money I spend at Taco Bell during drinking benders. And I certainly don't ask how many incriminating pictures of my dick the NSA probably has on file. But every now and then, I do have some burning questions that need asking.

Most of those questions involve comic books so I think my status with the NSA is safe. I used to ask numerous questions on Comic Book Resource's weekly X-POSITION column. More often than not, they didn't get posted. I suspected I might have asked too many questions about Emma Frost's bra size. But sometimes I manage to ask something intelligent. Needless to say, I had more than a few when Brian Michael Bendis stepped up to the plate this past week. Not saying I follow All-New X-men and Uncanny X-men closely, but I have reviewed every fucking issue to date. I think that shows I'm thorough with my questions. And for whatever reason, the comic book gods looked favorably upon me and let them get asked. I'll remember to sacrifice a goat and a rabbit at the alter I built in my bathroom.

CBR: X-POSITION With Brian Michael Bendis

MarvelMaster616 wants to know more about Iceman's current attitude toward Scott Summers and the recent conversation between present-day Cyclops and young Jean.

Some X-Men in the Jean Grey Institute seem willing to forgive Cyclops for what he did to Xavier. Others, namely Iceman, are still willing to hate him. Why is it that there's such a divide between these characters? How will it change as Cyclops continues with his revolution?
Well that's the thing. I'm going to jump ahead to what other people ask -- and they ask on my Tumblr, too -- "Why is Iceman being such a pill when he himself--?" I think there's an element when they're responding to Cyclops, and I'm talking about real world stuff too, when you see people responding strongly, they're really talking about themselves. They're mad at Cyclops, but really they're mad at themselves. Iceman is mad at himself for other things. Cyclops is going to take the hit. You see people do this all the time; projecting their blame and guilt onto other people. Some of it is that.

Other things -- this goes back to "Civil War" -- we like when you can place a question in the minds of the reader and you guys can have fun on the message board and yell at each other about it. I love it! That was the best part of "Civil War" -- Jeph Loeb saying, "Whose side are you on?" Oh my God! People are still yelling about it ten years later!

It's the same thing with this. When Cyclops is talked about amongst creators, a version of the argument people have online or a version of the argument the X-Men have goes on. That's just good drama. I like when you have the good guy and a bad guy stories and we don't even know if he's a good guy or a bad guy. There's a Walter White element here that's fun to explore . There is throughout literature, a history of characters where you don't know if you're supposed to be rooting for them or not, or if you're supposed to feel dirty for rooting for them. When it's there, you're a fool not to explore it to its full potential.

After The Trial of Jean Grey, Jean had a pretty emotional conversation with adult Cyclops. She said he became the man she hoped to be. Yet earlier in the series, she was horrified when she read his mind and confirmed that he killed Charles Xavier. Could you explain this change in perspective? Have events like Battle of the Atom reshaped her understanding of the man Cyclops became?
Yes. When you first get there you hear -- I'll tell you a story: that guy murdered another guy. You go, "Oh my God! That guy murdered another guy?" and then you find out all the details of it, like a murder trial. You start seeing things in context and you start understanding things more. There's also an element of -- she's very young. People forget that. You're not fully formed in what you want out of people. They're both children and you grow up to see, "Wow, you became this powerful leader," it's enticing. There are things about Cyclops that are very captivating, and she already liked him. So how would she not like that as well?

I wanted to talk about that. There was a lot of talk amongst us about the weird psycho-sexuality about there being the 16-year-old version of the love of his life out there. I was just so uncomfortable with all of it, and I liked the idea that Jean wouldn't have a problem expressing some feeling like that because she's young and doesn't know any better. There are no consequences for her, but I thought Scott's "Absolutely not." answer to her was heroic and the right thing to do, and shows us that Scott is still there. I also think Kitty observing this was on purpose, too. "I'm mad at Cyclops, but he's not a bad guy."

There were some people asking, "Will they or won't they" between young Jean and Old Scott. No! They're not! But there are some people who ask that and I just wanted to -- I don't want that to be a part of the conversation. I'm not interested in it, at all, on any level. So, I put an end to it. The young, dumb kid said something stupid and the adult said, "Absolutely not."

Also, people would say to me, "Isn't he just completely head over heels in love with young Jean Grey? Look at her and say, 'It's everything I've ever wanted, she's so young and pure.'" I was like, "Wow, no." In fact, I think older Scott Summers wouldn't be that interested in her at all. He's a completely different person than he was back then. That's my opinion and I just wanted to put it there. He's not interested in her like that.

It comes up a lot, and it's more or less people projecting their weirdness and their failed high school relationships on Scott Summers, but it was funny when for years they'd come up to me and say, "You know, if you want to be really ballsy, you should have them do it." I was like, "Wow, that's the opposite of ballsy to me." It's the dumbest, most salacious thing you could do and it says nothing. It means nothing. Sure, the Internet would be in my face for an hour, but I could do that any day. That is not the story I want to tell at all.

So not only did my questions get answered, I even prompted Brian Michael Bendis to go on an extended rant about the bullshit idea of O5 Jean hooking up with Adult Cyclops. I know I make a lot of shitty jokes that piss off feminists, but even have lines I won't cross. I know Marvel is okay with shit like cannibalism, spousal abuse, child abuse, and making deals with the devil. But an adult hooking up with a teenage version of his wife? That's just too creepy. Thanks for setting them straight and reminding us of our failed high school romances, Mr. Bendis.

But he didn't just stop with answering questions. Mr. Bendis decided to go even further to bitch slap the waterfall of bullshit that is the internet. That includes rumors of the X-men being canceled, which wouldn't be taken seriously were it not for the internet. But the internet also gives us porn so it balances out.

Just so we say it on the record -- it's coming from my mouth to the pages of Comic Book Resources -- the X-Men line is not cancelled. It is not near cancelled, no book that I'm writing is cancelled. We are planning, in fact, the day before New York Comic Con, I am going into Marvel -- just myself -- to sit and lock down all the things we have planned. That includes four or five big questions we're just going to lock down. That's going to happen.

The following Saturday, there's an X-Men panel! It is focused on "Death of Wolverine" because that is the X-Men event, and we do -- even when I was on "Avengers," we had a "Secret Invasion" panel, not an Avengers panel. It doesn't mean that Marvel hates the Avengers, it's the subject that will get people in. We will be covering and showing stuff, but Wolverine is an X-Man and it's an X-Men panel!

I feel bad that some people online are making other people online nervous or feel bad with half-truths or just misreading, "Oh my God! There's no X-Men on the cover of this book, Marvel hates the X-Men!" There are characters that Disney has an investment in their future. But the X-Men are a very vital part of publishing and are treated so all the way through. There's no one working on this book that isn't an A-List talent. The art is amazing top to bottom. The best artist that was working on DC that wasn't working at Marvel was Andrea Sorrentino. The minute they became available, I was offered him. To me, that says everything! They didn't say put him on "Guardians," which is obviously the book. They said, "How about him and you doing an X-Men project?" and I said, "I know which one to do where he can do everything that he does!"

He also addressed one of my chief concerns from as far back as X-men: Battle of Atom. It involves whether or not the shit the O5 X-men do in the future actually means anything in the long run. Some have theorized that the moment they came to the future, they created a divergent timeline. Yes, another divergent timeline because that's exactly what Marvel needs. Marvel needs another timeline the same way I need another DUI. Thankfully, that's not the case here.

Yes, and I'll further the mind-blowing with the following -- I know that some people have just decided, flat-out, no matter what we say, that this is a splinter timeline or this is a separate timeline. They are not. They are from issue #8 of "Uncanny X-Men," the end. Not from a different line of X-Men, not from a separate universe. There was no splintering. This is the Marvel Universe, they've traveled to the future in linear fashion, but time is not linear.

Most people get their time travel logic from "Back to the Future." That is good. That is great, I love that. But there are other philosophies of time travel that we are hinting at from "Age of Ultron" all the way through that are worth exploring, that bring us much more interesting storytelling; scarier storytelling. Some of it will be revealed in the "All-New X-Men" and "Uncanny X-Men" Annuals with Eva, who -- as you see from the solicitations -- will be traveling through the Marvel Universe, both past and future. She will see things and find things out about time travel, about herself, about the Marvel Universe that will affect her personally and reveal things about the nature of the world that will frustrate the hell out of or excite many readers.

I normally don't read these X-Positions expecting to get more than just a little extra insight into the comics that make being stoned so enjoyable. But somehow, Brian Michael Bendis found a way to make it more awesome without the aid of weed. I never thought I would be able to type those words with a straight face. So from the bottom of my heart and on behalf of my sperm count, thank you, Mr. Bendis! Now please continue making awesome comics. Nuff said!

Worthy of Unworthiness: Thor #1

The following is my review of Thor #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The concept of being worthy is as ambiguous as the concept of being weird. In the same way the concept of being weird breaks down considerably at a Marilyn Manson concert, the concept of being worthy breaks down when the standards become skewed. Since worthiness is the main basis by which Thor is able to wield his enchanted hammer, Mjolnir, its standards are often undefined. This may or may not be on purpose because defining such an ambiguous term is like trying to nail pudding to a tree. Its very nature alone makes it impossible. But that doesn’t mean it’s completely without substance.

That substance is the driving force of the story within Thor #1. The main concept of this re-launched title was already spoiled when Marvel announced that Thor would become a woman. The nuts and bolts of this concept still need to be screwed into place. The events of Original Sin did plenty to skew the standards of worthiness, almost as much as the NSA skews the standards of legality.

With one little whisper, the contents of which remain a mystery, Thor is no longer worthy to wield Mjolnir and a good chunk of this story is spent lamenting about it. That’s not to say he acts like a child that just lost his favorite teddy bear. The very idea that he is no longer worthy is more damaging than no longer having the most awesome hammer in the universe that isn’t used to smash watermelons. It creates a tense and somewhat solemn narrative for him and the other Asgardians, who are just as confounded by Thor’s inability to lift his hammer. It calls into question their own understanding of what it means to be worthy, further adding to the ambiguity.

That ambiguity is downright frustrating at times because the concept of worthiness is now somehow so skewed that even Odin, the man responsible for using worthiness as the sole criterion for wielding Mjolnir, cannot lift it. That would be like Donald Trump not being allowed to fire anybody. It’s a major blow that sends a major message. The problem is that the ambiguity of that message limits its impact.

The only real substance offered by this new crisis of unworthiness comes from a threat that’s completely unrelated to it. While everyone else is struggling to understand what worthiness even means, Malekith launches an invasion at some underwater facility with an arm of Frost Giants. It’s as generic and plain as a threat Thor can face without including corn flakes and vanilla ice cream, but it’s a threat that creates the most meaningful impact because it demonstrates just how unworthy Thor has become.

Armed with his hammer, Thor can usually handle Malekith and Frost Giants with ease and still have plenty of energy to snuggle with Natalie Portman. This time, he might as well be fighting a pack of hungry wolves with a feather duster. He tries to compensate by attacking with an ax, but that ax is no Mjolnir. The battle isn’t too lopsided, but Thor’s unworthiness is still on full display for all to see. He’s sloppy, he’s unfocused, and he’s overmatched. He’s essentially become this year’s version of the Oakland Raiders. If he can’t handle Malekith and a few Frost Giants, then his season is as lost as the Raiders.

This is the most powerful message of the story, revealing the extent of Thor’s unworthiness. While the concept remains painfully ambiguous, it’s at least slightly clearer why Thor is no longer fit to be wielding it. If Mjolnir were a judge on American Idol, Thor would have been one of those contestants that left the stage in tears. However, this message is only powerful to the extent that the battle with Malekith forced it. The generic nature of this threat, which basically amounts to Malekith seeking something he and his Dark Elf buddies lost long ago, makes it too easy to gloss over. It still serves its purpose, but it’s still the least compelling part of this story.

The intent of this story isn’t to just shock the world into revealing that Thor is now a woman. Its purpose is to establish just how unworthy Thor and the other Asgardians have become. In this, the story succeeds, even though it does little to clarify the whole concept of unworthiness. Like the concept of weirdness, it’s one of those things that will remain forever undefined. It isn’t until the end where the woman now worthy enough to wield Mjolnir shows up and demonstrates her worthiness. But unlike Thor’s defeat, it lacks the same impact.

This woman basically acts as one of those shadowy figures that show up in every spy movie, not revealing her identity or even hinting who she might be. She just shows up on the moon, grabs the hammer, and just like that she’s Thor. It’s conveyed as one of those ongoing mysteries that won’t be resolved in the beginning. While this does offer intrigue, it doesn’t give many reasons to really care much about this character or even understand why they’re more worthy than Thor or Odin. It doesn’t even matter that she’s a woman. She could just as easily be just some random guy and it would have the same impact.

That’s not to say the impact isn’t meaningful. The mystery-woman says it herself. The world needs a Thor. It doesn’t matter if a man or woman has that title. A hammer doesn’t care which body parts its wielder has, only that it can hit the nails at the right angle. That takes away from the whole novelty of Thor now being a woman, but it doesn’t take away from the more tragic themes explored in this book. Thor struggling with his unworthiness helps make the story in Thor #1 compelling. The new woman who becomes Thor might as well be an afterthought. It might not make this story completely unworthy. But like grading a test on a curve, it still skews the concept as a whole.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

X-men Supreme Issue 105: Bleeding Hearts PREVIEW

In every great comic book series and every great story in general, there are certain villains that raise the stakes just by being present. Since I began the X-men Supreme fanfiction series, I've utilized many major X-men villains. I've used plenty of familiar faces like Magneto, Weapon X, the Inner Circle, and Mr. Sinister. I've even created one unique to X-men Supreme in the Cambrian. A big part of what makes X-men such an endearing mythos is the quality of their villains. But there's one villain in particular that I think has a very powerful presence, yet hasn't been heavily utilized in X-men. That villain is Selene, the Black Queen.

She's been part of a handful of stories in the X-men comics. However, her character and her motivations have not been heavily explored. Since I introduced Selene in the Phoenix Saga, I've given her history and the threat she brings to the X-men a bit of an overhaul. I've only lightly touched on that history, but it's about to take center stage in the X-men's next major challenge. Their still struggling to find their place in this world governed by a fragile treaty between Genosha and the rest of the world. They got a much-needed boost from Emma Frost and her new Academy of Tomorrow. But every now and then, the X-men have to face a much less complicated threat and this is one of them.

The first hint of this threat has already reared its head. In X-men Supreme Issue 103: Shifting Tides, the X-men found out that Sinister was up to no good again. He put Rogue, Gambit, and Psylocke in a difficult position in the middle of the day in a busy public street. And it was already revealed back in X-men Supreme Issue 71: Election Day that Sinister and Selene were working together in more ways than one. One has vast mystical talents. The other has vast scientific talents. Put them together and you've got a very volatile threat that will test the X-men in ways they've yet to be tested in this fanfiction series. And that threat begins in the next issue. As such, I've prepared a preview of what can be expected from this familiar yet daunting threat.

“Okay Maximoff, how did I piss you off this time?” said Logan, “Make it quick. This place still stinks of your old man.”

His entrance drew the attention of Wanda, Pietro, Blob, and another mutant with bronze skin that Logan didn’t recognize. They were all anxiously huddled around a table in the corner and the former living weapon’s entrance did little to help.

“Does this guy even understand the concept of a simple hello?” said Blob.

“This isn’t Texas, Freddy. Not everyone is keen on manners,” grumbled Pietro.

“If you’re not used to it by now, then you’re not trying hard enough,” said Wanda as she turned around to confront the feral mutant, “And unfortunately, we need him for this.”

“Says you,” scoffed the speedster.

Wanda ignored Pietro and Blob’s comments. Neither seemed too happy about this meeting. However, Wanda didn’t appear enraged like she usually was when she called for a private meeting. Logan still assumed it involved something that could get really bad really fast.

“Thank you for coming on such short notice. You know I wouldn’t invite you unless I was completely out of options,” said Wanda.

“Nice to see you too, your highness,” said Logan dryly, “So what’s this about? If you ain’t yelling at me yet, I’m guessing you’ve got a hell of a problem.”

“Indeed we do, although I’m not sure how bad it is at this point,” she said, “It involved one of our acolytes, Scanner. She was assaulted early this morning.”

“Assaulted how? We talking about a spat over the latest shipment of Swiss chocolate or something worse?” said Logan.

“I honestly couldn’t tell you. Blob found her lying unconscious outside a restaurant. She didn’t have any marks on her, but she was clearly hit by something.”

“I ain’t saying she wasn’t, but people get hit every day. What makes this Scanner girl so special? She got something that makes her an easy target?”

“For one, she’s a vital part of our team. Her powers allow her to scan for and detect mutants through their unique psionic signature. We need her to keep track of all the mutants on our island and others beyond our borders. That’s why we’ve had our resident healer, Elixir, treat her. But as you can see, the results have been mixed so far.”

Wanda led the feral mutant to the table where Elixir, Blob, and Pietro were watching over the young mutant. While Elixir was trying to heal her, Scanner lay completely still and looked very pale. Whatever Elixir was doing, it didn’t seem to be working.

This mutant, Scanner, certainly looked like she had been on the wrong end of a fight. She appeared weak and the clothes she was wearing were a bit tattered. It reminded him somewhat of how he looked when he had been on the receiving end of Cyclops’s optic blasts. However, that wasn’t the most telling clue.

“Something doesn’t smell right,” he said as he whiffed the air around her.

“You gonna tell me what I ate for lunch again or something?” scoffed Blob.

“I ain’t got that kind of time, lard-ass,” said Logan as he turned to Elixir, “Bronze boy, you say you’ve been healing her?”

“Uh…yeah, as best I can,” he said, sounding nervous in the face of an X-man.

“I take it you got some powers that help you heal most folks from bumps, bruises, and that sort of thing. So if someone comes to you with a shaving cut, you can make go away quicker than any overpriced aftershave, right?”

“I like to think my powers are better than that, but yeah. That’s what I do,” he said.

“So pretend for a sec you’re a doctor and not some kid who lost a fight with a tanning bed. In your professional opinion, is her body fully healed?”

Elixir hesitated briefly. This was Wolverine he was talking to. His exploits were as legendary as his temper. Answering incorrectly was foolish at best, but not as foolish as lying. So with this in mind, he answered as honestly as possible.

“In terms of pure physiology…yeah, her body is the picture of health,” he answered.

“That’s all I need to know from you. And assuming you ain’t full of shit, that means it ain’t just her body that got attacked,” said Logan as he turned back towards Scanner.

“What do you mean? Are you saying someone attacked her mind?” asked Wanda intently.

“We have a psychic who can deal with that sort of crap. Quentin Quere is a douche-bag, but he would notice and make a big deal of it,” said Blob.

“It ain’t her mind that got hit,” said the feral mutant, “More like her spirit.”

“Spirit?” scoffed Pietro, “Are you a Jedi now or something? What could possibly attack her spirit?”

“Not what…who,” he snarled.

Ignoring the speedster’s skepticism, Logan leaned in to capture more scents. Whatever still lingered was limited at best. However, some scents lingered more than others. One of them was this cold, nauseating musk that hung over her. It smelled like a mix of fire, brimstone, and death. It was very distinct and evoked a deep anger in him, as if his nose remembered it even though his brain did not.

He kept following the scents intently. As he did, Scanner finally emerged from her unconscious state. She was still clearly very weak. However, some strength had returned to her and she let out a faint gasp.

“The Black…Queen.”

Logan didn’t need to sniff anymore. Those words told him everything he needed to know. Now he knew who was behind this and it could only mean trouble.

“Black Queen? What the hell does that mean?” said Pietro.

“That like an evil version of Dairy Queen?” said Blob.

“Do you have to relate everything to food?” said the speedster dryly.

Ignoring her brother’s remarks, Wanda took this more seriously.

“Do you know what that means, Logan?” she asked him, “If there’s someone running around my island attacking spirits, I need to know about it.”

“It’s worse than that. This shit just got a lot bigger than your damned island,” snarled the feral mutant.

“What do you mean? Who is the Black Queen?”

Logan didn’t have time to explain who the Black Queen was and why she was bad news. Whenever she made a move, nothing good came of it. There was no telling what kind of madness she was up to, but it likely involved something that needed stabbing.

“I need to call the X-men!” said Logan as he stormed out of the throne room.

“You’re not seriously running off without giving us any answers, are you?” said an annoyed Wanda Maximoff.

“Watch me!”

In addition, I've also been keeping busy with non-X-men related projects. This includes my first ever major DC Comics story, "Strangers In Paradise." I haven't been updating it as frequently as I have X-men Supreme, but it's a story I intend to make as awesome as possible. So in case you missed it, here's the latest update on this ongoing story.

Strangers In Paradise

Chapter 4: Daze Gone By

There are so many diverse threats that the X-men take on. I didn't want to limit those threats here in X-men Supreme. I want this team of X-men to take on the dangerous humans, mutants, aliens, and mystical beasts that have helped shape them into the icons they are today. It helps create a rich diversity within this fanfiction series that I hope adds to its appeal for X-men fans and comic book fans of all types. In my efforts to make sure that the X-men Supreme fanfiction series appeals to as many people as possible, it's vital that I continue to get feedback from readers. If I slip up somehow, I want people to let me know. Please do so by placing comments in the comments section in each issue or contact me directly. I'm always happy to chat and I try to respond to every single email I get. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

Scanned Thoughts: Death of Wolverine #3

After a joint and a few drinks, I’ve often thought about how I would like to exit this world. And I’m not just talking about the moment I go. I still want to go by drowning in a tub of whiskey right after a three-way with Jessica Alba and Megan Fox. But in terms of my funeral, I’ve had my share of ideas. First and foremost, I want to make sure that all my ex-girlfriends, high school teachers, guidance counselors, parole officers, and traffic cops are invited. Second, I want to make sure I’m buried face down so they can all kiss my ass. I don’t think that’s too reasonable. I imagine Wolverine didn’t give much thought to his own funeral before he lost his healing. Now I imagine he’s already planning to have every redheaded and Asian hooker in Madripoor attend his funeral wearing nothing but a thong and covered in whiskey. But even if he has been planning it, he’s still fighting to survive. That hasn’t been easy now that somebody has put a price on his head and that of every other Weapon X reject. That bounty has sent him on a one-way trip to the Grim Reapers toilet bowl. With Death of Wolverine #3, he’s one step closer to that final flush. I just hope the hookers are paid off and the beer is still cold.

Lady Deathstrike should also hope that her insurance is paid off because just when it looked like she would bathe in Wolverine’s blood while pleasuring herself to the sounds of his screams, Kitty Pryde showed up. She then made sure that Lady Deathstrike got a quick physics lesson as to why phasing powers kick much more ass than overgrown nails. Even for guys like me who slept through physics class, it’s pretty enlightening. It’s also fitting, having Kitty show up in Madripoor to help Wolverine when she’s had so few chances to interact with them. To be fair, she’s the one that ditched him in favor of the New Xavier School. But that doesn’t mean she’ll pass up an opportunity to kick Lady Deathstrike’s ass. Some opportunities just can’t and shouldn’t be squandered.

While Kitty Pryde succeeds in taking advantage of that opportunity, Wolverine certainly wishes she had done it sooner because Lady Deathstrike still had plenty of time to rough his ass up. She even took out one of his eyes. It’s the kind of injury that would even send the toughest badass to the emergency room in search of some morphine or at least some prescription weed. But Kitty Pryde came prepared, knowing Wolverine has a talent for letting himself get fucked up. She brought with her something called regen serum, which sounds like a cheap item from World of Warcraft. But it works. It helps Wolverine heal, eye and all. It works so well that it feels like the biggest cop out since the Sopranos finale.

Now I understand why this was done. Wolverine still needs to stay alive just long enough to kick the ass of whoever put the bounty on his head. And unlike some people, he can’t expect Roger Goddell to come down on some petty bit of justice. So now the Marvel universe apparently has this regen serum shit. We don’t know where it came from, who made it, or if it has the kind of side-effects that include rectal swelling. It’s just thrown in to keep Wolverine going. Yes, it’s more contrived than a Tyler Perry movie, but it does serve a purpose here and it’s not more egregious than it needs to be.

Once he’s healed up, he and Kitty Pryde head off to Japan so they can catch up. Let’s face it, Madirpoor is for people who want to party in a place that’s less conservative than Tijuana. It’s not known for peace and quiet. Japan, ignoring all the anime porn and crazy game shows, is much more inviting. It makes for a nice moment where Wolverine fills Kitty in on his investigation, all the way up to what Lady Deathstrike revealed in the previous issue. I’m sure there was a conversation about her working with the O5 X-men and whether Cyclops is keeping his hands off O5 Jean, but it’s not the most pressing issue.

What makes the conversation more meaningful than a glorified synopsis is how Wolverine gets a little emo at one point. He starts wondering if this bounty on his head is just the beginning for how he’ll spend the rest of his painfully mortal life. He even contemplates saving them the trouble and making sure nobody gets that bounty. It’s the first time since James Mangold’s shitty movie where he’s been downright suicidal. Kitty Pryde scolds him for it, but it works in that it shows how willing Wolverine is to accept his mortality. In a mini called “Death of Wolverine,” that sort of thing should be a given.

It quickly stops getting emo and gets way more creepy when Kitty Pryde stops being supportive and tries to jump his bone. It’s actually not quite as creepy as it sounds, even though I know it’s probably the subject of at least a dozen pieces of smut fan fiction. Actually, it’s not Kitty trying to jump his bone. It’s Ogun, the disembodied spirit that Lady Deathstrike warned him about in the previous issue. He’s somehow found a way to possess Kitty Pryde and now he wants to use her to kill and maybe hump Wolverine. Okay, maybe that’s actually a lot creepier.

Whatever the perversions, it leads to a nicely detailed fight. In the process Ogun actually reveals that Kitty originally came to Japan looking for him and that’s when he possessed her. So was in control even when she showed up to beat up Lady Deathstrike. I’m pretty sure getting possessed by Ogun is right up there with being mugged by a transvestite hooker in terms of ways to fuck up a trip. And while Wolverine is usually pretty reluctant to hurt his students, he does make exceptions for assholes like Ogun.

The battle eventually takes them into a shrine where Wolverine channels his inner Akira Kurasowa fan. Again, it just wouldn’t be an epic Wolverine story if he didn’t get to play Samurai at one point. It allows him and Ogun to clash with swords in ways that should make certain anime fans very horny. The action isn’t quite as visceral as his previous battle with Lady Deathstrike. Nobody gets an eye taken out or any brutal shit like that. Part of that is because Kitty Pryde doesn’t really like being controlled by a disembodied spirit and Wolverine notices this. He’s not going to get her to cut out Wolverine’s other eye because he apparently doesn’t know that tough, stubborn women can’t be controlled. Some people are just really slow learners I guess.

Eventually, Kitty Pryde is able to force him out, but he ends up jumping into another body. That means he doesn’t have time to treat her to some noodles and a Japanese spa. But before he goes after him, Kitty drops some new info for Wolverine that really hurls the shit towards the fan. While Ogun was controlling her and presumably jerking off whenever she had to go to the bathroom, she picked up on a familiar name, Abraham Cornelius. It’s a name that is to Wolverine what environmental regulations are to oil companies.

It’s also a name that changes the undertones of the story itself. It’s one thing for Wolverine to just run around and clash with old enemies like Sabretooth, Viper, and Lady Deathstrike. But Abraham Cornelius is a different kind of enemy. He’s the one who opened the many holes through which Wolverine has been fucked throughout his life. He helped make Wolverine who he is and not just by giving him metal bones. Him being a part of this makes it far more emotional than any battle with Sabretooth can ever be.

But before he can get to Cornelius, Wolverine has to deal with Ogun first. He tracks him down to some dirty chemical factory because so many stories about death and tragedy have to take place in a dirty factory of some kind. When he finds him, Ogun has already killed Cyber and is now possessing some guy in a suit with a devil mask. He could almost be mistaken for a tobacco lobbyist. But instead of daring him to go skinny dipping in a tank of acid, Ogun reveals what Cornelius has been up to. He’s the one who put out the bounty and he’s become somewhat of a hoarder for all things Weapon X related. It makes me wish that some people would stick to hoarding toe nails, paper clips, and cats.

Ogun actually ends up being both useful and cunning in a very asshole kind of way. First, he gives Wolverine the location of Cornelius’ facility, thereby saving him the trouble of slaughtering everyone in the Pacific Rim to get to him. Then, he orders that Wolverine skip the part where he tries to beat his spirit out of some stranger and just leave. If he doesn’t, he’ll just kill the innocent guy he’s possessed and shrug it off the same way Chuck Norris shrugs off stubbed toe.

It’s not just to fuck with Wolverine either. It’s purely survival. Ogun admits that possessing Kitty Pryde took it out of him. Let’s face it, dealing with difficult young women will take it out of anybody, disembodied or otherwise. If Wolverine just leaves, he’ll survive to fight another day. He’s a real pussy, but he’s smart enough to not pick fights he can’t win. Wolverine accepts, even rejecting the offer of more regen serums to sweeten the deal. Apparently, he doesn’t want to take on Cornelius without shedding a little blood. It just wouldn’t be badass enough, even if it might save his life.

Now Wolverine has Cornelius’ location and Ogun can go back to possessing cute school girls when they’re taking a shower. It makes for one really creepy final shot of Cornelius and in a comic that already had Kitty Pryde trying to hump Wolverine, that’s saying something. Cornelius has to know that putting a bounty on Wolverine’s head means he’s going to have to face him at some point. Unless he has a death wish, he’s going to prepare for it. So the guy who gave Wolverine his metal bones is now set to be the guy who takes him down. I don’t know if that counts as karma, but it’s as fitting as it is creepy.

So the stage is now set for Wolverine’s final battle and shockingly enough, the guy he’s up against isn’t Sabretooth. That’s a major relief because the recent onslaught of Wolverine/Sabretooth fights has flooded the market to Justin Bieber-level proportions. And like the last five Adam Sandler movies, they’ve all been very disappointing. This fight promises to be different. This fight promises to pit Wolverine against the asshole most responsible for creating him, Abraham Cornelius. It feels fitting because in many ways, this guy did way more to shape Wolverine’s life than a dozen Sabretooths, but they’ve never had a chance to resolve their differences in that classic, brutal, Wolverine-type way. He’s had to go through ex-wives, old rivals, and former students to get to this fight. Now it’s almost upon us and this issue at the very least made it feel like it might not suck. Death of Wolverine #3 gets an 7 out of 10. I’ve got the beer in the cooler. I’ve got the cute red-headed hookers paid for and ready. Wolverine, my friend, your arrangements are complete. Now go kick this old geezers ass and go out in the most awesome way possible. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #25

We've all been on road trips where we know we're driving into a big fucking storm that's looming over the horizon. We look at it the same way we look at pigeons coming out of a car wash. We know it's coming and we know it's going to piss us off, but we have to keep driving. It's not always possible to wait it out. We're either short of gas or owe way too much money to a Tijuana brothel. Both the X-men and Avengers are on such a trip and the storm in question came directly from the asshole of the Red Skull. It's been teased, taunted, and tempted since Uncanny Avengers began, but it's finally happening in the form of an event called Avengers and X-men: AXIS. The Red Skull has gone full Nazi on the mutant race. He's already taken Magneto. Now Rogue, Havok, and the Scarlet Witch are getting a taste of authentic Nazi style torment in a classic Nazi concentration camp. Uncanny Avengers #25 promises to finally stop with the teasing and give us our first glimpse of some real titties. I know Marvel hasn't always delivered on their teases, but I'm always willing to give them a chance just as I'm always willing to give titties a chance.

There's really no teasing with the Red Skull though. This guy is a total uber-Nazi. He's not subtle about how much of an asshole he's willing to be. He showed up in the previous issue just as Havok, Rogue, and the Scarlet Witch rescued Magneto from his death camp. He makes it an obscenely unfair fight, exploiting the powers of Charles Xavier to mind-fuck fuck them into submission. It's like winning a game with cheat codes, but then again that has never bothered a Nazi before so why should it bother the Red freakin' Skull?

But it's not enough to just win easy with a TKO via telepathy. Magneto still has his helmet, ensuring he stays coherent enough for the Red Skull to troll him in the worst possible way. He practically covers his dick in steak sauce and waves it in front of a hungry grizzly, taunting Magneto at how he's going to use the Scarlet Witch to create his Eternal Reich, which is basically the kind of Reich that Hitler would want if someone gave him a barrel of crystal meth and a hit of LSD. He even has the balls to demand that Magneto bow in submission in exchange for keeping his daughter's mind (mostly) intact. It's a given that he'll never keep his promise, but the fact he has the balls to even pose such an option demonstrates the kind of Nazi he really is.

Magneto's response is expected. He doesn't make deals with Nazi assholes. He lets the Red Skull rough him up just enough to keep him distracted so he can use Ahab's metal spear to fuck up his already fucked up face. I want to say it's satisfying. But seriously, who the hell brings metal weapons to any battle against Magneto? The guy was standing right there. It's like giving a pile of cocaine to the Grateful Dead. What the fuck did they think was going to happen?

By breaking the Red Skulls concentration, Havok, Rogue, and the Scarlet Witch are free and ready to kick some Nazi ass. To this point, they've all had their assess handed to them by the Red Skull's S-men. I like to call them Nazi X-men, but that's just me. They've all done plenty to deserve the kind of ass-kicking that should only be reserved for the O.J. Simpsons and Scott Petersons of the world and like Bristol Palin's last period, they're overdue. It's not that terribly epic and it's not as one-sided as many probably wish it were, but it feels more balanced than any battle with the S-men to date and that's saying something.

It really doesn't end up needing to be epic. In fact, it really doesn't try to be because a much greater is established when the Scarlet Witch begins to narrate the scene. It's actually even more overdue than the S-men getting their asses kicked, having the Scarlet Witch offer a little insight. So much of this shit storm began when she lost her shit. Her perspective matters a whole hell of a lot when they've been dealing with the aftermath since George W. Bush's second term. Her perspective here gives some powerful weight to the fight, exploring how she hates being around her father and how she hates the effect she has on him. She knows what he wants to do to the Red Skull and everyone like him and she while she understands why he wants to do it, she would rather not become as fucked up as he is. Just being around him is too damn tempting to be that kind of an asshole. It's like me being around fireworks when I'm drunk. Nothing good comes of it.

Well no amount of fireworks can do the damage that the Scarlet Witch endures when she comes face-to-face with something that actually puts her on the same page as her father. No woman with severe daddy issues ever likes to be too understanding of their, but witnessing Nazi atrocities can nullify a lot of those issues. She gets a look at the kind of mind-raping torture that the Red Skull is subjecting to mutants and just like that, this becomes a Sunday picnic with her and her father. Except this is a picnic where they get to kill Nazis. That's a pretty awesome picnic.

This effectively drops napalm on a forest fire because it pisses the Scarlet Witch off enough to make the battle against the S-men as unbalanced as we all wish it had been from the beginning. For a while, it had been a stalemate with only Ahab throwing a few quips at Rogue, no doubt out of anger that he won't show him her tits. But once Magneto and the Scarlet Witch enter the fight again, the S-men might as well be trying to win a fight against the 1985 Bears armed only with a feather duster and a dildo. I'm not going to say it's as satisfying as I hoped it would be. I'll just say that it's still possible to jerk off to for anyone without too much whiskey in their system.

Again, the Scarlet Witch's insight into this struggle is what really gives it some emotional weight. She muses about how much hatred Magneto deals with and how much it affects her. She even feels tempted to try and calm him down before he starts to make the Hulk feel inferior. But against the S-men and the Red Skull, she holds back and allows Magneto to be the kind of Nazi-killing badass he strives to be. Sure, it makes him the kind of guy nobody wants to be around on a bad day, but it does ensure that Nazis and their buddies have something to fear and I think that's a fair trade-off.

Once the Scarlet Witch helps him rough up the S-men enough, Magneto defeats them as only he can. It's not as bloody or as brutal as it could've been. Then again, he's not a Nazi so that much is to be expected. With the S-men out of the way, he turns his attention to the Red Skull. Now with this, he could take all the metal within a 10 mile radius and force it up the Red Skull's ass while forcing him to watch a Justin Beiber concert. That would be pretty fitting for a Nazi of his caliber. Or Magneto could just beat the living shit out of him with his fists and enjoy the satisfying feeling of beaten Nazi flesh on his hand. Both would be equally satisfying, but he choose the latter and it's a beautiful sight. A Nazi getting the shit punched out of him by someone they tormented is almost on the level of 100 nude pictures of Jennifer Lawrence. Almost, being the key word there.

It's so satisfying that Havok, Rogue, and the Scarlet Witch don't try to stop him at first. But the Scarlet Witch, who understands her father's rage better than anyone, does attempt to keep him from going overboard. It sounds like a crazy notion, somebody going overboard when beating up the ultimate Nazi. But the Scarlet Witch sees in her father someone who just loves doing the right thing for all the wrong reasons. He claims he's doing this to avenge Charles Xavier, but it's painfully clear that he just loves beating the shit out of Nazis. While that's completely understandable, it doesn't make him much better than 99 percent of the guys who ever played a game of Wolfenstein.

Even after getting beaten up, the Red Skull continues to troll Magneto in ways most people wouldn't even do on a Fantasy Football message board. He goes so far as to say that Xavier's greatest fear was that he would die and leave the X-men in his care. He just had that little faith in him. So the Scarlet Witch really has no chance at stopping him from shutting the Red Skull up by crushing his fucking head with a pile of bricks. Sure, it disappoints his daughter and would probably make Charles Xavier cry. But fuck if it isn't more satisfying than a bag of cocaine and a three-way with a couple of Playboy playmates in Charlie Sheen's room.

Nobody is really that surprised by what Magneto did. Hell, if anything I think they're surprised he didn't beat up the Red Skull a little longer so he could really enjoy it. But they're still disgusted and horrified. It could be argued that he's no better, using this kind of violence and brutality to stop assholes like the Red Skull. I still think an exception needs to be made for Nazis on the level of the Red Skull. There's only so much non-violent hippie crap can do against a guy who likes to bathe in the blood of minorities and jerk off on their corpses. But because of the Scarlet Witch's musings, it has all the right emotional impacts. It's not just Magneto beating a Nazi to death. It's an insight into just how much Nazi atrocities have fucked him up and everyone he loves.

It could've made for a somewhat inglorious end to this latest Nazi atrocity, but that just wouldn't be fitting enough for someone as cunning or as ballsy as the Red Skull. Despite having his head crushed and his S-men defeated, the Red Skull is still in a perfect position to kick up a Nazi-style shit storm. In fact, he's in an even better position than before because for some reason, Magneto beating him to death awakened Onslaught. That's right, this much maligned relic from the 90s has returned, minus the shitty boy bands and dial-up internet. And now he's armed with the Red Skull's Nazi-style douche-baggery. It's essentially the first shot for AXIS, Marvel's next big crossover event. And after facing the Red Skull in Onslaught form, I'm sure everyone in the Marvel universe will miss battling Thanos.

This issue did something important that the last issue probably should've done. It explored the pants shitting horror of Nazi atrocities from the Scarlet Witch's perspective. We already know how Magneto feels about Nazis. We already know how he deals with atrocities the same way the Hulk deals with anger issues. But the Scarlet Witch, who makes clear on multiple occasions that she doesn't want to wade into her father's Nazi-hating douche-baggery, is someone who has never had to confront Nazi level bullshit. Now she has and it helped make this story feel both satisfying and gripping. Plus, she finally beat the shit out of the S-men and those assholes were due.

The ending made it kind of pointless because it just did exactly what the Red Skull wanted, but that didn't make the emotions and the impact less meaningful. It still gets me very horny for the events of AXIS and I think the appearance of the new Red Skull/Onslaught design should have everybody seeking a clean pair of underwear. I give Uncanny Avengers #25 an 8 out of 10. The Scarlet Witch has finally learned the same lesson that Magneto and every Battlefield player has already learned. Nazis are assholes and it's okay to get really pissed off at them, so long as she doesn't tear reality another asshole, this might be the healthiest way to deal with her many issues that don't involve therapy and overpriced prescription drugs. Be that as it may, I still think weed would be better for her. Nuff said!