Aspirations For Inspiration: Champions #6

The following is my review of Champions #6, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Seeking to inspire others to do good is one of the most fundamental acts of heroism that any superhero can do. Superman inspires by embodying an ideal for humanity to aspire towards. Captain America inspires by embodying the patriotic spirit that emboldens and strengthens an entire nation. Deadpool inspires by embodying the power of tacos and machine guns. These are among the most basic traits of a hero and after Civil War II, the entire Marvel universe needs a refresher course.

That's what Mark Waid and Hamberto Ramos are doing with Champions, getting back to basic and showing the rest of Marvel's superhero community that there are better ways to do good and they don't require superhero civil wars. Ms. Marvel, Nova, Spider-Man, Cyclops, Hulk, and Viv Vision are all uniquely qualified to teach this lesson in that they're young, idealistic, and haven't been revealed as Skrulls or Hydra agents yet. Beyond being diverse, coming from many different backgrounds and even different time periods, they are essentially a disaffected generation that sees what's happening with established heroes and think there's room for improvement.

It's a common spirit that pervades inexperienced youth. They see the flaws of the older generation and think they can do better, but the cast of Champions accomplish much more than any hippie protest or online petition. They embody a spirit often gets muted by politics, bureaucracy, or one too many retcons. This eclectic cast of young heroes aren't quite that jaded just yet, if only because they haven't dealt with SHIELD or Maria Hill enough.

The first several issues of Champions show this diverse cast coming together and establishing a standard for how they conduct themselves as heroes. That standard proves quite effective, leading to some meaningful victories and a kiss involving the Hulk. However, as often happens with many efforts involving ambitious youth, they encounter a few challenges and Champions #6 establishes the scope of those challenges, complete with relevant social commentary.

Now it's debatable how important these undertones are to the underlying themes of the series. There are any number of rants, tirades, and bemoaning that can be levied against a series that unambiguously reflects a particular political affiliation. Any comic that risks being vocal about any relevant issue risks agitating a world that would turn Superman into a Nazi if he says the wrong thing in the wrong context. That's the power of hashtags, phony outrage, and too much free time.

Regardless of how anyone may feel about social commentary in a comic book, Champions #6 shows that a certain level of social appeal can go a long way. Waid and Ramos make it a point to show how the Champions have influenced the world as a whole. They demonstrate how the Champions have created an entire social movement for all the right reasons with all the right impacts.

The Champions aren't just saving the day from monsters, human traffickers, and internet trolls. They're inspiring others to get up, embrace the Champion's principles, and do something. Given how much it takes to drag people away from their cell phones and jobs, that's quite an accomplishment.

Given how detached other superhero teams have become from the people at large, such an impact carries a great deal of weight for the greater Marvel universe. If a bunch of teenagers, one of which is a robot and another of which is a time traveler, can have this kind of positive impact, then those with helicarriers and space stations have no excuse.

Beyond that impact, though, the story in Champions #6 is just as much about the unintended backlash to this new superhero team as it is their success. The team is still coming together and Waid gives them a chance to show that they're still teenagers in addition to being heroes. Having them train through a game of paintball makes for a fun, light-hearted tone that even those who whine about the book's social commentary can appreciate.

From the perspective of the larger narrative, this kind of team activity doesn't raise the stakes or heighten the drama. However, it does flesh out the various personalities on the team and shows how they interact. Despite the diversity, they function as well as any group of teenagers armed with superpowers and paintball guns. They're not necessarily a dysfunctional family, but they're not the Fantastic Four either.

Those more light-hearted elements get balanced out when Waid explores the first major backlash that the Champions inspire. Such a backlash is always bound to happen and most teenagers have to learn the hard way that no good deed goes unpunished in the real world. In this case, the punishment hardly fits the deed because the Champions have no way of knowing how those with greater authority than a bunch of teenagers opt to react to their impact.

This is where the Freelancers come in. They are, in essence, the counter-punch to the movement that Champions have inspired. Much of Champions #6 involves introducing this team and establishing how they're going to undermine everything the Champions have accomplished. Like the Champions, they're a bunch of jaded teenagers with superpowers. Unlike the Champions, however, they care less about social commentary and more about their bank statement.

Waid reveals this in a somewhat elaborate manner. At first, the Freelancers give the impression that they're just a bit less ethical than the Champions. By the end, though, they make clear that they'll gladly rub elbows with big oil companies, Hydra agents, and tobacco lobbyists to improve their living standards. They care less about being a hero and more about making the most money with the least amount of effort and/or ethical constraints.

In the context of the major themes surrounding Champions, the Freelancers are the perfect adversaries. Waid makes this abundantly clear in Champions #6. However, this clarity doesn't come with any larger plot developments. A paintball game of super-powered teenagers is fun, but does little to expand their story. The only ones who get any real progression are the Freelancers and while their mission is fairly clear, their respective personalities are under-developed and overly forgettable.

Champions #6 still accomplishes and important feat for the greater narrative. It establishes what the Champions are up against and how their new movement of less civil wars and more heroics is creating an impact. Waid and Ramos to mix that impact with the fun of a paintball game. While the entertainment value of paintball is beyond dispute, the larger implications of the Champions' story remains underdeveloped and unresolved.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

A Fan Among Heroes: All-New, All-Different Avengers Annual #1

The following is my review of All-New, All Different Avengers Annual #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The success of Deadpool proves there's a fertile market for a story that dares to be overly meta. It's not just about breaking the fourth wall or acknowledging the erratic sentiments of comic book message boards. The appeal of a meta-narrative acts as a mirror of sorts, reflecting the passions of fans, be they the healthy kinds and the not-so-healthy kinds.

Most fans agree that passions like Deadpool aren't exactly healthy. More often than not, they earn the same R-rating as his movie. That doesn't mean that a more PG-13 version of these passions is impossible. In fact, there's another character who embodies the best of these passions and doesn't need to make dirty jokes about it. That character, of course, is Kamala Khan.

There's a long list of reasons why Kamala Khan is such a lovable, endearing character. Chief among them is the fact that she's a fan. Before she becomes Ms. Marvel, she's just another passionate fangirl who loves superheroes and writes fan fiction . She is very much the embodiment of the passions of countless fans. That makes the setup in All-New, All-Different Avengers Annual #1 especially engaging because it offers insight into the fan fiction that reflects Kamala's passions for superheroes. That insight makes for a cartoonish yet uniquely entertaining narrative that inspires the fanboys and fangirls alike.

Some parts of that setup are built upon Ms. Marvel's current narrative. She's an Avenger now and rapidly ascending the ever-shifting hierarchy of the Marvel universe. She even manages to do it without time travel, clones, or someone dying. That alone is a testament to her strengths. Despite this, she is still a teenager and she is still woefully inexperienced. This means she constantly clashes with her teammates, especially her younger cohorts in Spider-Man and Nova.

This inexperience and immaturity, the foundation on which most teenage superheroes grow, makes her reaction to fan fiction stories about Ms. Marvel all the more entertaining. She can't be expected to just ignore the insanity that often manifests in fan fiction. She's a young hero who still isn't accustomed seeing her name associated with embarrassing, easily accessible media. After the events of  All-New, All-Different Avengers Annual #1, she'll likely need advice from Peter Parker.

The story is organized through several colorful, laughably cheesy stories written by multiple writers, including Mark Waid and G. Willow Wilson. They each act as a commentary of sorts on the colorful proclivities of fan fiction, such as tendencies to create bizarre romantic entanglements and making unpopular political statements. These stories never take themselves too seriously and aren't going to be confused with canon in this or any other universe. That's what gives them their charm.

It's because of that unique charm that these stories tend to evoke strong reactions. As some of these stories unfold, Kamala's reactions are almost as relevant as the story themselves. Take one story involving Ms. Marvel attaining the rank of Captain Marvel. At first, it plays out like a story that Kamala Khan would love. Then, an overtly politically incorrect twist at the end completely reverses her reaction. It's the kind of reversal that no competent editor will allow in a comic, but one that manifests all too easily in fan fiction.

Then, there's the story about She-Hulk and a love triangle. It's not a love triangle that would make it into an X-men movie, but it involves She-Hulk being woefully out-of-character in professing her love to a giant monster. It's as strange and entertaining as it sounds. It's also not-so-subtle commentary on the way love triangles play out, both in canon and in fan fiction. It doesn't take much to make them laughably absurd.

Despite this absurdity, it's the strange love story that involves Ms. Marvel, Miles Morales, and a world where everyone is an anthropomorphic animal that bothers Kamala the most. What makes this part of the story stand out is that, as quirky and cartoonish as it is, neither she nor Miles are completely out-of-character. It's another not-so-subtle comment about fan fiction. As crazy as it can be, it is possible for certain truisms to manifest within these absurdities.

These truisms play right into the meta themes of this story. In the end, Kamala Khan's sentiments are similar to those of fans. A few intriguing reveals at the end shows that she's not alone. It creates a larger message of sorts, one that implies that superheroes are aware of the quirky fandoms they inspire. Sometimes those quirks reveal genuine insight for these characters. It doesn't have to involve the bizarre quirks of fan fiction, but they do help get the point across.

For the most part, however, the quirky little stories in All-New, All-Different Avengers Annual #1 don't factor too heavily into Kamla Khan's reaction. Some are just pure entertainment value of the most absurd kind. At a time when Marvel is exploring the dire, depressing issues manifesting in Civil War II, this offers a nice reprieve, even if it doesn't tell a wholly cohesive story.

The lack of cohesion keeps the narrative from gaining any depth. In a story that explores the absurdities of fan fiction, there's only so much depth that's possible, but not much is realized outside a couple stories. Some of those stories may be quirky. Some are more forgettable than others. There's still undeniable entertainment value to be had. There's also an important message to convey.

The internet can and will annoy superheroes every bit as much as the villains they face. With All-New, All-Different Avengers Annual #1, Kamala Khan learns this the hard way. It's just one of many steps she'll have to take in her quest to become a better hero.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Adolescence Is Everybody's Kryptonite: Spider-Man #1

The following is my review of Spider-Man #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Creating an iconic character is like trying to create another Mona Lisa. There's no formula to it. Nobody truly knows whether a character will become an icon any more than Da Vinci knew that his paintings would be the subject of a Dan Brown novel. It's these iconic characters that make up the backbone of the comic book industry and if modern comics has a Mona Lisa, then it is best manifested in the character of Peter Parker.

He's not just a character that Marvel and Disney milk for billions. He's a proverbial everyman who readers can relate to more than aliens from Krypton, warriors from Paradise Island, or talking raccoons with machine guns. Peter Parker embodies that uniquely close connection with readers wherein his heroics and his persona aren't larger than life. The strength and success of Peter Parker helped make him an icon. He turned Toby McGuire a Hollywood superstar. He turned Andrew Garfield into someone other than that guy who once dated Emma Stone. Peter's influence is beyond dispute.

In the same way the music industry looks for the next Elvis Presley, Marvel keeps trying to create another Peter Parker. The success of such efforts are varied at best. For every Kamala Khan, there's are multiple Ben Rileys. By most measures, the biggest success to date is Miles Morales. He may have been born from the defunct pile of ashes that was the Ultimate Universe, but the strength of his character has made him an icon in his own right and he managed to do it without resorting to clones.

With the end of Secret Wars, Miles Morales has now set up shop in the prime Marvel Universe. Now, absent of the baggage that made the Ultimate Universe the ultimate afterthought, he's free to develop on a new path in Spider-Man #1. That path follows a similar route to Peter Parker with a few unique twists along the way. While the destination is the same, the route might be a bit too familiar at times.

Miles Morales is in a very different place compared to Peter Parker. It's not just because he's a teenager, he's still in high school, and he hasn't been cloned yet either. He's still trying to establish himself in this world of female Thors, talking trees, and time-displaced X-men. On top of all that, he has to do that while trying to navigate high school, grades, and teenage hormones. The responsibilities placed on him couldn't be more unreasonable without demanding he master origami in the process.

This is the sort of balancing act that Superman, Batman, and Captain America never have to deal with. They're adults dealing with adult problems. What Miles deals with, and what Peter Parker once dealt with as well, are problems that actual people face as teenagers. Give any teenager superpowers and they'll still struggle being a teenager. Adolescences is everybody's kryptonite to some degree. This is what made Peter Parker relatable in his youth. This is what makes Miles Morales relatable in Spider-Man #1.

Brian Michael Bendis goes out of his way to emphasize Miles' struggles as a teenage boy over his struggles as Spider-Man. He spends most of the issue out of his costume, dealing with the frustrations and complications that come with being a teenager. This includes struggling with grades, dealing with irate teenage girls, and discussing midterms with parents. For countless teenagers, this is every bit as daunting as a battle against Galactus.

It's a typical part of a teenager's life and a part that most adults try to forget. Spider-Man #1 goes out of its way to capture that and for good reasons. It's one of the most important elements of Spider-Man's formula. While this keeps Miles grounded, as prescribed by the classic Peter Parker formula, it does have some shortcomings.

At times, the narrative tries too hard to make Miles Morales into a younger, non-clone version of Peter Parker. In the same way it's impossible to recreate the Beatles without John Lennon, it's not possible to make Miles exactly like Peter. It's one thing to have him struggle with school, grades, and women. This has been the basis of every Spider-Man movie and cartoon for nearly two decades. However, Miles Morales has a few key elements that set him apart and these elements are poorly developed in Spider-Man #1.

Miles doesn't life with his Aunt and Uncle. Miles' best friend doesn't have a rich father who occasionally puts on goblin masks and throws pumpkin bombs. Most notably, Miles isn't the nerdy white boy that shows like The Big Bang Theory have been glorifying for a decade. He's a half-black, half-latino kid in an urban area. Expecting his experiences to be the same as Peter Parker requires a certain ignorance of 100 years of American race relations or a complete rejection of every rant Bill O'Riley has ever made on the subject.

That's not to say that these differences are outright ignored. Miles' friendship with Genke, as well as his dealings with his parents, do help establish that Miles is not a Peter Parker clone. In any Spider-Man story, that counts for a lot. However, the failure to explore the elements that make Miles a different kind of Spider-Man is a significant shortcoming for the story.

Despite such shortcomings, Spider-Man #1 still sticks close enough to the formula to work. It still shows Miles functioning as both a teenager and as Spider-Man. When he finally does put on his costume, he confronts a threat that doesn't feel like it was pasted from old Steve Ditko art. There is sufficient intrigue to make Miles Morales' story worth following.

Brian Michael Bendis and Sara Pichelli follow the necessary formula to make Miles Morales feel like Spider-Man, but the finished product feels incomplete. It lacks the kinds of egregious flaws that would make that formula volatile. There's never a sense in Spider-Man #1 that Miles Morales is ready to make a deal with Mephisto. Miles is still a long way from Peter Parker in terms of iconic status and movie appearances, but with this issue, he takes another important step.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Ultimate (Overdue) Collapse: Ultimate End #5

The following is my review of Ultimate End #5, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

When Lindsey Lohan gets pulled over for another DUI, few are surprised. When DMX gets slapped with another paternity suit, few are shocked. These are events that people have become numb to because it's seen as all too common. Whatever innocence or reputation there once was is now as distant a memory as Vanilla Ice's music career. Sometimes it's just a product of new competition and an inability to keep up. Other times, it's a product of tragedy that can act as a cautionary tale for future generations.

When Kurt Cobain said, "It's better to burn out than fade away," he might as well have hand-written a warning note to Ultimate Marvel. At a time when flip-phones dominated the cell phone market, Ultimate Marvel was the hottest brand in comics. It became the gold standard for an entire industry. The quality of any superhero comic had to be measured against books like the Ultimates, Ultimate Spider-Man, and Ultimate X-men.

These books set the bar. They established what a great superhero comic ought to be. Then, like MC Hammer's bank account, it suffered a devastating decline from which it did not recover. If Ultimate Marvel were a drug addict, it would've overdosed years ago.

Now, after three failed relaunches and a complete destruction of everything that made Ultimate Marvel relevant, this world that once set the gold standard for Marvel is set to end. Fittingly enough, it's two most recognizable names, Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Bagley, act as the undertakers in its final issue. Ultimate End #5 is the last comic to carry the once-prominent Ultimate brand. But beyond being far more bitter than bittersweet, it fails once again to live up to that gold standard. In fact, it barely succeeds in living up to a copper standard.

Even as a tie-in for Secret Wars, Ultimate End as a whole only succeeds as a catalyst for putting Miles Morales in the mainline Marvel Universe, absent most of Ultimate Marvel's obscene amounts of baggage. And this success really only comes in Ultimate End #5. The previous four issues contributed next to nothing in this effort. All they did was put a bunch of 616 and Ultimate characters in the same domain, watch them bicker for reasons that are never fully explained, and pretend there's a plot.

It's the same tactic Michael Bay uses in movies that involve Megan Fox. The only difference is that Michael Bay movies make boatload of money and are actually entertaining at times. There's really not much entertainment value in Ultimate End. Other than Hawkeye getting deep-fried by Thor and Tony Stark literally arguing with himself, the story barely has the impact of a Simpsons rerun.

To this point, the 616 and Ultimate sides have just been bickering and arguing. It never feels sincere or dramatic. Every ounce of conflict in this story feels forced, as though there just had to be one last clash between 616 and Ultimate before Ultimate joined that big quarter bin in the sky. In addition to being forced, it's also rushed. If there is any chance at drama, it's glossed over in order to keep the conflict going. This story tries so hard to be a spectacle. It wants to be a fireworks show, but it's only armed with half a box of matches.

On top of the conflict being forced, the entire setup of Ultimate End was confusing and vague. There was no rhyme or reason as to how this particular group of 616 and Ultimate characters ended up in this segment of Battleworld. That made the conflict of the first four issues even more hollow. Ultimate End #5 finally offers an explanation of sorts, but it comes far too late to give the story any weight.

At the very least, the explanation offered in this story creates a solid connection with the overall narrative of Secret Wars. Miles Morales was one of the few survivors of the final incursion so he provided the catalyst for revealing the truth about this final Ultimate/616 conflict. That truth is still somewhat contrived. It basically amounts to a god-powered Dr. Doom taking a select group of 616 and Ultimate characters and throwing them into some random section of Battleworld the same way a kid throws a bunch of action figures in a microwave. It has only slightly more appeal than it sounds.

There is still a concerted effort on the part of Brian Michael Bendis to inject some dramatic weight into this moment. When both the Ultimate and 616 characters realize they're just melted bits of plastic in Dr. Doom's toy chest, it does end the meaningless conflict that has been unfolding for the past four issues. It just isn't in time for anyone to do much with it. If anything, it makes the first four issues of Ultimate End feel like one, prolonged missed opportunity.

Missed or not, the revelation triggers a montage of sorts that attempts to put the finality of the story into context. At the very least, it tries to focus on the happier times, absent the Ray Connors, the nerd Hulks, and the incest with the Maximoff twins. It does make for a solemn moment where we, the readers, are left to remember how rich and promising Ultimate once was. In doing so, however, it also reminds us just how drastically it declined as a whole. It's not just bittersweet. It's downright tragic.

Brian Michael Bendis can now say without reservation that he's the only Ultimate writer who resisted the urge to throw Ultimate Marvel into a blender. His work on Ultimate Spider-Man was the only sliver of the Ultimate universe that remained true to the overall themes of Ultimate Marvel. His efforts to remain true to those themes in Ultimate End are respectable. But like trying to make mullets a fashionable hair style again, his efforts can only go so far.

The ultimate tragedy of Ultimate End #5 is that it set goals that it had no chance of achieving. Like Homer Simpson attempting brain surgery, it was destined to get messy. It tried to encompass everything that once made Ultimate Marvel so appealing. It could only ever remind readers that this appeal ended years ago. Marvel just finally got around to making it official.

Final Score: 3 out of 10

CBR: X-POSITION With Brian Michael Bendis - My Questions Asked (And Then Some)

I'm at that point in my life where I've learned not to ask too many questions. I don't ask where McDonald's gets its beef. I don't ask how much money I spend at Taco Bell during drinking benders. And I certainly don't ask how many incriminating pictures of my dick the NSA probably has on file. But every now and then, I do have some burning questions that need asking.

Most of those questions involve comic books so I think my status with the NSA is safe. I used to ask numerous questions on Comic Book Resource's weekly X-POSITION column. More often than not, they didn't get posted. I suspected I might have asked too many questions about Emma Frost's bra size. But sometimes I manage to ask something intelligent. Needless to say, I had more than a few when Brian Michael Bendis stepped up to the plate this past week. Not saying I follow All-New X-men and Uncanny X-men closely, but I have reviewed every fucking issue to date. I think that shows I'm thorough with my questions. And for whatever reason, the comic book gods looked favorably upon me and let them get asked. I'll remember to sacrifice a goat and a rabbit at the alter I built in my bathroom.

CBR: X-POSITION With Brian Michael Bendis

MarvelMaster616 wants to know more about Iceman's current attitude toward Scott Summers and the recent conversation between present-day Cyclops and young Jean.

Some X-Men in the Jean Grey Institute seem willing to forgive Cyclops for what he did to Xavier. Others, namely Iceman, are still willing to hate him. Why is it that there's such a divide between these characters? How will it change as Cyclops continues with his revolution?
Well that's the thing. I'm going to jump ahead to what other people ask -- and they ask on my Tumblr, too -- "Why is Iceman being such a pill when he himself--?" I think there's an element when they're responding to Cyclops, and I'm talking about real world stuff too, when you see people responding strongly, they're really talking about themselves. They're mad at Cyclops, but really they're mad at themselves. Iceman is mad at himself for other things. Cyclops is going to take the hit. You see people do this all the time; projecting their blame and guilt onto other people. Some of it is that.

Other things -- this goes back to "Civil War" -- we like when you can place a question in the minds of the reader and you guys can have fun on the message board and yell at each other about it. I love it! That was the best part of "Civil War" -- Jeph Loeb saying, "Whose side are you on?" Oh my God! People are still yelling about it ten years later!

It's the same thing with this. When Cyclops is talked about amongst creators, a version of the argument people have online or a version of the argument the X-Men have goes on. That's just good drama. I like when you have the good guy and a bad guy stories and we don't even know if he's a good guy or a bad guy. There's a Walter White element here that's fun to explore . There is throughout literature, a history of characters where you don't know if you're supposed to be rooting for them or not, or if you're supposed to feel dirty for rooting for them. When it's there, you're a fool not to explore it to its full potential.

After The Trial of Jean Grey, Jean had a pretty emotional conversation with adult Cyclops. She said he became the man she hoped to be. Yet earlier in the series, she was horrified when she read his mind and confirmed that he killed Charles Xavier. Could you explain this change in perspective? Have events like Battle of the Atom reshaped her understanding of the man Cyclops became?
Yes. When you first get there you hear -- I'll tell you a story: that guy murdered another guy. You go, "Oh my God! That guy murdered another guy?" and then you find out all the details of it, like a murder trial. You start seeing things in context and you start understanding things more. There's also an element of -- she's very young. People forget that. You're not fully formed in what you want out of people. They're both children and you grow up to see, "Wow, you became this powerful leader," it's enticing. There are things about Cyclops that are very captivating, and she already liked him. So how would she not like that as well?

I wanted to talk about that. There was a lot of talk amongst us about the weird psycho-sexuality about there being the 16-year-old version of the love of his life out there. I was just so uncomfortable with all of it, and I liked the idea that Jean wouldn't have a problem expressing some feeling like that because she's young and doesn't know any better. There are no consequences for her, but I thought Scott's "Absolutely not." answer to her was heroic and the right thing to do, and shows us that Scott is still there. I also think Kitty observing this was on purpose, too. "I'm mad at Cyclops, but he's not a bad guy."

There were some people asking, "Will they or won't they" between young Jean and Old Scott. No! They're not! But there are some people who ask that and I just wanted to -- I don't want that to be a part of the conversation. I'm not interested in it, at all, on any level. So, I put an end to it. The young, dumb kid said something stupid and the adult said, "Absolutely not."

Also, people would say to me, "Isn't he just completely head over heels in love with young Jean Grey? Look at her and say, 'It's everything I've ever wanted, she's so young and pure.'" I was like, "Wow, no." In fact, I think older Scott Summers wouldn't be that interested in her at all. He's a completely different person than he was back then. That's my opinion and I just wanted to put it there. He's not interested in her like that.

It comes up a lot, and it's more or less people projecting their weirdness and their failed high school relationships on Scott Summers, but it was funny when for years they'd come up to me and say, "You know, if you want to be really ballsy, you should have them do it." I was like, "Wow, that's the opposite of ballsy to me." It's the dumbest, most salacious thing you could do and it says nothing. It means nothing. Sure, the Internet would be in my face for an hour, but I could do that any day. That is not the story I want to tell at all.

So not only did my questions get answered, I even prompted Brian Michael Bendis to go on an extended rant about the bullshit idea of O5 Jean hooking up with Adult Cyclops. I know I make a lot of shitty jokes that piss off feminists, but even have lines I won't cross. I know Marvel is okay with shit like cannibalism, spousal abuse, child abuse, and making deals with the devil. But an adult hooking up with a teenage version of his wife? That's just too creepy. Thanks for setting them straight and reminding us of our failed high school romances, Mr. Bendis.

But he didn't just stop with answering questions. Mr. Bendis decided to go even further to bitch slap the waterfall of bullshit that is the internet. That includes rumors of the X-men being canceled, which wouldn't be taken seriously were it not for the internet. But the internet also gives us porn so it balances out.

Just so we say it on the record -- it's coming from my mouth to the pages of Comic Book Resources -- the X-Men line is not cancelled. It is not near cancelled, no book that I'm writing is cancelled. We are planning, in fact, the day before New York Comic Con, I am going into Marvel -- just myself -- to sit and lock down all the things we have planned. That includes four or five big questions we're just going to lock down. That's going to happen.

The following Saturday, there's an X-Men panel! It is focused on "Death of Wolverine" because that is the X-Men event, and we do -- even when I was on "Avengers," we had a "Secret Invasion" panel, not an Avengers panel. It doesn't mean that Marvel hates the Avengers, it's the subject that will get people in. We will be covering and showing stuff, but Wolverine is an X-Man and it's an X-Men panel!

I feel bad that some people online are making other people online nervous or feel bad with half-truths or just misreading, "Oh my God! There's no X-Men on the cover of this book, Marvel hates the X-Men!" There are characters that Disney has an investment in their future. But the X-Men are a very vital part of publishing and are treated so all the way through. There's no one working on this book that isn't an A-List talent. The art is amazing top to bottom. The best artist that was working on DC that wasn't working at Marvel was Andrea Sorrentino. The minute they became available, I was offered him. To me, that says everything! They didn't say put him on "Guardians," which is obviously the book. They said, "How about him and you doing an X-Men project?" and I said, "I know which one to do where he can do everything that he does!"

He also addressed one of my chief concerns from as far back as X-men: Battle of Atom. It involves whether or not the shit the O5 X-men do in the future actually means anything in the long run. Some have theorized that the moment they came to the future, they created a divergent timeline. Yes, another divergent timeline because that's exactly what Marvel needs. Marvel needs another timeline the same way I need another DUI. Thankfully, that's not the case here.

Yes, and I'll further the mind-blowing with the following -- I know that some people have just decided, flat-out, no matter what we say, that this is a splinter timeline or this is a separate timeline. They are not. They are from issue #8 of "Uncanny X-Men," the end. Not from a different line of X-Men, not from a separate universe. There was no splintering. This is the Marvel Universe, they've traveled to the future in linear fashion, but time is not linear.

Most people get their time travel logic from "Back to the Future." That is good. That is great, I love that. But there are other philosophies of time travel that we are hinting at from "Age of Ultron" all the way through that are worth exploring, that bring us much more interesting storytelling; scarier storytelling. Some of it will be revealed in the "All-New X-Men" and "Uncanny X-Men" Annuals with Eva, who -- as you see from the solicitations -- will be traveling through the Marvel Universe, both past and future. She will see things and find things out about time travel, about herself, about the Marvel Universe that will affect her personally and reveal things about the nature of the world that will frustrate the hell out of or excite many readers.

I normally don't read these X-Positions expecting to get more than just a little extra insight into the comics that make being stoned so enjoyable. But somehow, Brian Michael Bendis found a way to make it more awesome without the aid of weed. I never thought I would be able to type those words with a straight face. So from the bottom of my heart and on behalf of my sperm count, thank you, Mr. Bendis! Now please continue making awesome comics. Nuff said!

All-New X-men #31 Preview - Ultimate Frustrations

I look at Marvel’s Ultimate universe the same way I look at Chernobyl. It’s a once lively place that has since become a desolate wasteland of death that's only good for shitty horror movies and shitty Die Hard movies. It’s like a dog that should have been put down years ago, but a handful of people are still sentimental enough about it to keep it on life support. Anyone who thinks Ultimate Marvel would still be going on if Brian Michael Bendis weren’t still writing Ultimate Spider-Man is smoking way more potent shit than me. That being the case, I would like those people to meet me at a Baltimore strip club this Saturday if possible.

But Ultimate Spider-Man alone has not been enough to make people give enough fucks about Ultimate. After its third re-launch in five years, one of its three titles have already been canceled and the November 2014 solicits strongly imply that another is getting axed after just 12 issues. It’s really fucking pathetic. It’s like Jeff Goldblum trying to stay relevant. There was a time when it was a hot name, but that time is way fucking over. Now in order to squeeze out what few fucks fans have left to give, Marvel is trying another crossover event. Apparently the final issue of Cataclysm selling only 25k wasn’t a clear enough sign that that even the power of Galactus can’t do anything to revitalize this decaying piece of shit. But this time, they’re taking only a marginally different approach. They’re having the All-New X-men crossover with Ultimate in hopes that its top selling mojo will rub off. Sure, it’s like trying to get rich by bathing in condoms used by Donald Trump, but Ultimate is just that desperate.

I could go on and on about how shitty Ultimate Marvel has become. I’ve done it on this blog plenty of times and even blacked out afterwards because it really is that frustrating. But All-New X-men has shown time and again that it can make the best of seemingly shitty situations. It also showed that it can actually pull off a crossover in a way that feels awesome and relevant. The Trial of Jean Grey showed that O5 X-men have more to offer than just insight the fucked up mind of teenaged time travelers. It also helps that Brian Michael Bendis wrote both All-New X-men and Guardians of the Galaxy. Now we’ll see if he can work the same magic with Ultimate. If he pulls this off, Harry Houdini himself will have to rise from the grave and kiss Bendis’ ass.

The first step in the process is to get the O5 X-men to the perpetual shit storm of suck that is Ultimate. A preview released by Newsarama shows just that without getting too overwhelmed by the lingering stench from Cataclysm.

Newsarama: All-New X-men #31 Preview

ALL-NEW X-MEN #31
BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS (W) • MAHMUD ASRAR (A)
Cover by STUART IMMONEN
AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. VARIANT BY MIKE DEL MUNDO
• ICEMAN UNLEASHED! Young Bobby Drake takes to the offensive!
• For someone who’s said she doesn’t find him particularly pleasant to be around, Laura seems to have taken an odd interest in Warren.
32 PGS./Rated T …$3.99

It’s not much, but it actually does go to the trouble of detailing the circumstances of this crossover. It plays directly off the events of Cataclysm and does so in a way that spares readers the indignation of having to read such a mediocre story. All anyone needs to know is that there was a portal to 616 that allowed Galactus to enter the Ultimate universe. Now someone is fucking with that portal again from the 616 side and the O5 X-men are likely going to get caught up in it.

While my stomach still churns at the idea of another shitty Ultimate story, I am smoking an extra joint or two to help me stay optimistic. Ultimate as a whole is shit, but Brian Micheal Bendis still puts the necessary effort to make it feel less shitty through Miles Morales. That’s way more than anyone else has been able to say since the Bush Administration. He cares enough about the Ultimate universe to wade through the rivers of shit that have overflowed this once fertile plain of awesome and I believe he can use what he’s accomplished in All-New X-men to make it at least slightly less shitty.

More than anything else, this crossover is a chance to show the O5 that as shitty as their future may be, it’s nothing compared to how shitty Ultimate has become. Ultimate is a world where mutants are failed science experiments, are on the brink of extinction, and are relegated to living in what amounts to a shitty nature preserve in the desert. They really don’t have anything going for them whatsoever. They have no future and no hope unless their name is Kitty Pryde. This is especially true for O5 Jean Grey, who will hopefully encounter a version of herself that never died yet still became a monster that nobody likes or trusts anymore. By the end of this crossover, the O5 X-men will have no more excuses to bitch and moan about their future. No matter how bad it turned out for some of them, it’s not even a fraction as shitty as what happened in Ultimate. Nuff said!

The Cataclysmic Destruction of Marvel's Ultimate Universe

The following is a feature article I wrote for PopMatters.com entitled, The Cataclysmic Destruction of Marvel's Ultimate Universe.

When an iconic celebrity fails because of forces beyond their control, it’s a tragedy. But when that same celebrity fails because of something they did deliberately and intentionally, it’s something far worse. These icons sometimes come out of nowhere and become the most powerful name of the industry. Sometimes they work hard to establish a reputation and a brand that makes them special. And when they fall, whether it happens suddenly or gradually, it’s deeply distressing.

In many ways, Marvel’s once prominent Ultimate line was once the A-list celebrity of the comic book industry. They emerged at the turn of the millennium as the gold standard of modern comics. They had a unique brand that was so refined that it raised the bar for the entire industry. For nearly half a decade, any comic bearing the Ultimate brand was usually a top 10 or top 20 seller. That same comic could expect critical acclaim while garnering a great deal of intrigue from fans. It was a remarkable feat that redefined comics for a new generation.

Then in what felt like a series of violent blows that left it permanently concussed, the Ultimate went into a period of decline where that once iconic brand wasn’t just undermined. It was shattered like a brick thrown through a pane of glass. But it didn’t happen all at once. There was no one single moment where this decline became a full-fledged collapse. Some will point to the end of Ultimates 2 and the departure of Mark Millar. Some will point to the arrival of Jeph Loeb and the poor reception garnered by his work on Ultimates 3. Some will point to Ultimatum and the massive destruction and death that devastated so much of what the line had built. Some will point to death of Peter Parker and his subsequent replacement with Miles Morales. But in the end there is no one event, person, or moment that led to the destruction of the once powerful Ultimate brand. Every publishing endeavor is a collective effort. As such, every downfall is a result of a collective failure.

Now as Ultimate embarks on yet another re-launch after yet another destructive event where yet another iconic character was killed, the sheer scale of the decline in Ultimate is more apparent. That time when Ultimate had such a strong and trusted brand seemed so long ago. But what made that brand and what subsequently destroyed it can never be fully known by those working outside of Marvel’s inner offices. There remains at Marvel, and in nearly every prominent company to some degree, a culture of selective arrogance. What this means is that at no point in certain endeavors, past or future, can anyone within this culture ever admit that a decision was a mistake. No matter how much they upset customers or how poorly their products are received, they cannot and will not apologize because that would undermine the overall vision. But in the case of Ultimate, a little humility might be warranted if only this once.

First and foremost, it’s important to recall what made the first few years of Ultimate such a profound experience for the industry. It wasn’t just that Marvel wanted these books to be the gold standard where the characters weren’t bogged down with decades of continuity. Each book took iconic characters from Captain America to Peter Parker and repackaged them in a fresh, mature, and engaging manner. Fans of these characters could read stories about them that offered a different perspective than what had been offered in the mainline comics. That perspective was mature in that it had refined themes that kids and adults alike could relate to. There was nothing about Ultimate that was inconsistent with the message that the Avengers, the X-men, Spider-Man, and the Fantastic Four had been conveying for decade. It was just updated, like an old car that got a fresh coat of paint and a new engine. But this alone didn’t make it such a great success.

Circumstances also played a major factor in the early success of the Ultimate brand. It began at a time when Marvel’s mainline comics were struggling. This was also an era before the movies and after the success of the 90s animated cartoons where some fans just hadn’t kept up. Efforts like Heroes Reborn and the Onslaught Epic only went so far. So when Ultimate emerged, it timed the market perfectly. However, in some ways it became a victim of its own success. By injecting new energy into the industry, it allowed the mainline comics to eventually catch up. Events like Civil War brought the mainline comics back to a level where Ultimate could no longer dominate.

With the mainline comics improving, the original brand for Ultimate was deemed insufficient. Being the gold standard and just having more modernized version of these iconic characters wasn’t enough anymore. So instead of refining that standard, another concept was adopted. Now Ultimate could no longer be the place where iconic characters could simply evolve in a different world. It had to be a place where anything could happen that wouldn’t normally happen in the mainline comics. This was the main justification for the massive destruction and slew of deaths that struck Ultimate in a short span of time. While this justification has been reiterated and reinforced, it is still fundamentally flawed. And that flaw is what triggered its downfall.

The flaw itself has to do with the conflicting messages that this new Ultimate brand conveys. Marvel may frame their vision a certain way, but that’s not how fans interpret it. Like a visitor to another country that doesn’t realize they’re speaking the wrong language, the powers that be don’t seem to realize the implications of this message. They say, “Dead means dead. Death matters in Ultimate.” But fans interpret that as, “We kill the characters you love, keep them dead, and offer no hope of ever bringing them back. So don’t bother getting attached to them.” It shouldn’t take a telepath on the level of Charles Xavier to see why that’s a problem for a lot of fans. It also shouldn’t take a marketing guru to see that killing iconic characters and keeping them dead is a poor strategy. The critical and commercial success of DC’s Blackest Night and Brightest Day series effectively disproves that argument.

Another popular branding that the new Ultimate comics were given has to do with novelty. Instead of just taking iconic characters and developing them in a bold new world, they had to become so different that they essentially nullified the very premise under which they were created. It was justified as, “We do things that can’t otherwise be done.” But fans interpret this as, “We just do whatever we want because we know we can get away with it.” That doesn’t give the impression of a bold vision. That gives the impression of reckless abandon and utter disregard. That may work for certain art forms, such as professional wrestling and base jumping, but it doesn’t work for something like Ultimate. It’s like a once accomplished brain surgeon trying to perform surgeries while drunk and blindfolded. They can do it, but the patients are the ones that suffer. And in this case, the patients are both the characters and the fans that went through the trouble of becoming emotionally invested in them.

In addition, the very concept of being able to do things in Ultimate that can’t be done in the mainline comics is fundamentally flawed. Marvel holds the rights to these iconic characters. That means they can do with them whatever they want. They can make Captain America President in the mainline comics. They can kill Wolverine, Daredevil, and Magneto in the most gratuitously callous way possible. They can make Quicksilver and the Scarlett Witch engage in an incestuous relationship. They can do anything they want. But they don’t because they understand that it’s not a good idea on some levels. And if it isn’t a good idea in the mainline comics, then it’s not a good idea in Ultimate. Just because someone is better able to get away with murder doesn’t make murder any less wrong.

The very idea that Ultimate provides something novel and different itself is a fallacy. Anybody who has ever fallen victim to fad diets or get-rich-quick schemes knows all about catch-phrases like “It’s new! It’s proven! And it works!” It comes back to a very simple lesson that most kids learn at a young age. Just because something can be done doesn’t mean that it should be done. In fact, this important lesson is enshrined in the pages of Ultimate Spider-Man where Peter’s Uncle Ben tells him that “With great power comes great responsibility.” And by that standard, Marvel has been incredibly irresponsible with Ultimate to the point where it constitutes full-blown hypocrisy.

The current Ultimate comics are built on a damaged foundation riddled with the corpses of iconic characters that many fans have grown to love over the past half-century. When Disney paid $4 billion for Marvel, they weren’t just buying the name of the company or the creators that made it great. They were buying the characters that are the core of Marvel’s success. And Ultimate has treated those characters with a recklessness that would probably constitute gross negligence if they were children.

This is best highlighted in the way characters like Nightcrawler, Dr. Strange, Wasp, Charles Xavier, and most recently Captain America were killed. There was no emotional weight to their deaths. They were just thrown away with the utmost callousness. It happened in a way that would be like a professional football team executing half their players in front of their fans after the final game of the season. And in wake of such inglorious slaughter, that selective arrogance still leads the powers that be to believe that this void can be filled with the likes of Miles Morales, Jimmy Hudson, Derek Morgan, Monica Chang, Ray Connor, and Mach Two. With the exception of Miles Morales, none of these characters inspire the passion that manifests in fan clubs, cos-players, and sales.

But beyond the death, the scale of the destruction in Ultimate has left devastating scars in another way. It essentially nullified many of the stories, sub-plots, and developments that helped make Ultimate so compelling early on. The drama between Giant Man and Wasp, the return of Charles Xavier to the X-men, and the relationship dynamics within the Fantastic Four were rendered meaningless. Nothing they did mattered in the end because the scale of the destruction made everything they did completely pointless. There’s no progression like there usually is in the mainline comics. Every story or character sub-plot was essentially voided, as if Galactus himself shot it with the Ultimate Nullifier. So it isn’t just the future of Ultimate that is destroyed. Its glorious past is also undermined.

This is where the tragedy that is Ultimate Marvel becomes something far worse. After yet more destruction and death in Cataclysm: The Ultimates’ Last Stand, it continues to press on like damaged ship that’s already partially flooded. It gives the impression that Marvel is content with Ultimate being a shadow of its former self. But there’s nothing respectable about that. It would be akin to watching a successful actor throw their career away, get addicted to heroin, lose all their money, and be content knowing that they’re constantly on the brink of destruction. Even if this isn’t the case, the continuation of Ultimate Marvel seems predicated on one more element of flawed logic that basically amounts to, “We’re doing it for the sake of doing it.” Like taking medicine that has already been proven to not work, Ultimate is a habit that has lost its impact.

In the end, all these mitigating factors conspired to what can be appropriately labeled as a truly ultimate tragedy. The Ultimate comics had something that worked. Then for reasons that fail every test of logic, it was abandoned in favor of something that doesn’t work without the aid of selective arrogance. It speaks poorly to the so-called House of Ideas when those ideas are restricted to “Let’s kill more iconic characters” and “Let’s just keep being different for the sake of being different.” Again, it’s impossible to know the inner workings of Marvel. But it is possible to judge Ultimate Marvel on its critical, cultural, and commercial merits. And by these standards, Ultimate Marvel has collapsed in a way that cannot be quantified. If there is a lesson to be learned from the legacy of Ultimate Marvel, it’s that great power and great responsibility don’t just fall on the shoulders of heroes. They also fall upon the shoulders of those the fans trust with this ultimate power.

Cataclysmically Flat: Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand #5

The following is my review of Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand #5, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

When death and destruction become routine to the point of being expected, does it lose all meaning? Is it at all possible for death and destruction to still resonate when it has been applied so callously that it is devoid of emotional weight? These are questions that most comic book fans don't want answered or even asked. But Marvel seems determined to give a definitive answer with their once dominant Ultimate comics. It's not enough that previous events like Ultimatum, Ultimates 3, and Death of Spider-Man have already addressed these questions to a significant degree. It's also not enough that the answers given are deeply unsettling to many of the fans that had a considerable emotional investment in the Ultimate comics. Like jamming a rusty knife into an already infected wound, Marvel insists on taking this issue as far as they can get away with. And in Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand #5, the point that is made has already been belabored to the point where it undermines any possible meaning meaning.

There's nothing groundbreaking or shocking about the conclusion of this event. Galactus has invaded the Ultimate universe. He has already laid waste to the entire state of New Jersey and now he's preparing to devour Earth. And at the very last minute, some of the remaining heroes in Ultimate find a way to save their planet. It's a story that has played out many times before in many different ways. The ways shown in this story aren't very novel. And once again, the resolution comes at a high cost in the form of yet more death.

That seems to be the only currency that Ultimate Marvel accepts these days. But this isn't even the kind of death that can't happen in the mainline comics. That idea, which was supposed to be Ultimate's biggest selling point, falls completely flat in this instance. In the same way a heavy gambler already in debt starts betting with the clothes on their back, the cost of the resolution in this story has become meaningless. In the end more characters died and more destruction was unleashed. It's actually not that cynical to take a "so what?" approach in the context of Ultimate Marvel. In a world that has already been destroyed and littered with the dead bodies of iconic characters, there really is no emotional weight.

But this isn't just because Ultimate has already been the site of so much death and destruction. That alone isn't what limits the impact of Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand #5. What really undermines is just how big the conflict is and how little most of the characters contribute. Even though this event is called "The Ultimates' Last Stand," the Ultimates don't do much. Most of the actions are done by Reed Richards, who abruptly reversed his transition into a villain, and Kitty Pryde. The Ultimates as a whole never really made a stand. They might as well have been spectators sitting in the middle of a track during a demolition derby.

It wasn't just their lack of contributions either. Even when there's a concerted effort to inject drama and emotion into the story, it still falls flat. This is best shown in the way Reed Richards tries to encourage Kitty Pryde as she battles Galactus. He gives her this Braveheart speech about how she was meant for this epic battle to save the world and everyone she loved. But in the end, that speech might as well have been ended with him saying, "Psyche!" Because in the end she just amounted to a giant distraction in the most literal and figurative sense. So the rhetoric behind this seemingly passionate battle was as hallow as an empty egg-shell. In a sense that's a good metaphor for Cataclysm as a whole what the Ultimate universe has become. It favors concept over character, style over substance, and shock over intrigue. In the same way the energy boost from a cup of coffee wears off, the impact of this concept wore off long before this story even began.

But beyond the impact, the actual details of the story left the narrative disconnected and chaotic. Part of what made Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand so intriguing from the beginning was how it spun directly out of the events of Age of Ultron. It effectively widened the gateway to Marvel's mainline universe that Spider-Men first opened. But that link that instigated this conflict did nothing else. While Reed Richards and Miles Morales traveled to this other universe, the solution it led them to didn't come off as something that made the trip necessary in the first place. Why would Reed or anyone need to travel to another universe to come up with the idea to shove Galactus into the N-Zone? There may indeed be a very good reason, but that reason is lost in the lack of refinement. It's like an undercooked piece of meat that is hard to chew and potentially dangerous to digest.

That's not to say there isn't a story worth telling in Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand. The visuals and presentation have plenty of appeal. The voices for certain characters are nicely done. But not enough of those voices were heard. Any character not named Reed Richards, Kitty Pryde, and Miles Morales experienced little progression. Every other character, due to their lack of contributions, offered nothing else to the story. All they did was look shell-shocked and take up space. They might as well been kids touring a slaughter house.

In many respects, Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand #5 came up to the plate with the team already down by a dozen runs. If it occurred six years ago at a time when the Ultimate comics weren't so burned out by death and destruction, the impact would be much greater. But even without playing in unfair circumstances, the narrative lacked refinement. With so few characters contributing and the lack of progression in the story, it had little chance of resonating. In the end it just added to the damage Ultimate has already endured and any hope it offers rings hollow. Reed Richards claimed at the end of the story that by surviving this onslaught, anything was possible. He may be right to some extent, but for now those possibilities extend only to more death and more destruction and little hope of anything else.

Final Score: 3 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Cataclysm - The Ultimates' Last Stand #2

In every major comic book event or blockbuster movie, the world always seems to be on the brink of coming to an end. Earth is like that crazy drunk in a bar who fights every night, but in the context of events like Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand he might as well be picking fights with an army of ninjas and Chuck Norris clones. The guy is asking for it because Ultimate has already distinguished itself as that sandbox all the retarded kids shit in because the powers that be thought it would be a good idea to just let stupid ideas run wild in this once awesome comic book series. Now Cataclysm is like that same drunk trying to flirt dry hump the President's daughter. It has finally gone too far and now Galactus has arrived to put Ultimate Earth out of its misery. Cataclysm: the Ultimates' Last Stand #1 brought Galactus to Ultimate Earth and pretty much everyone was more overmatched than a squirrel fighting a hungry wolf. Now in Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand #2 they have to make sense of it before Galactus destroys more than New Jersey. Because if they could limit the destruction to permanently destroying memories of every season of the Jersey Shore, I think that would count as a win.

This whole event reeks of disaster porn, but at least there has been a concerted effort made to give it a personal touch. And since Brian Michael Bendis is the one piloting this crashing jet, it makes sense that Miles Morales would provide that touch. Like the previous issue, he provides the insight and the point of view. But unlike the previous issue, he puts himself in a position to make some ridiculously stupid decisions, like swinging from a helicopter to attack Galactus. He might as well be a flea trying to take down Mount Rushmore. The rest of Ultimate Earth's mightiest heroes are tempted to join his foolishness, but Iron Man urges them to stand down. Being the one of the few smart guys who hasn't lost his fucking mind, he encourages SHIELD to stop annoying Galactus so they can come up with a smarter plan. I don't know how much smarter it can be against a force like Galacuts, but at least it shows they're smarter than fleas.

The only one who doesn't seem to get the message is Miles, foolishly rides the helicopter all the way to Galactus's head. He doesn't do much damage in the same way spitting in the ocean doesn't cause flooding outside Al Gore's head. It would be funny if it weren't so futile, but it's not pointless. It still adds that important personal touch that the Ultimate comics have been missing more than castrated bull misses his nuts. He's still the perspective of sorts through which the story is told. It doesn't make it any less futile.

He ends up having to be saved by Thor before Galactus casually flicks him off like a booger. He then meets up with the Ultimates and the Fantastic Four. But they don't exactly have an attack plan. They just know from Iron Man that shooting at it is about as effective as teaching calculus to a brain damaged cat. They're all pretty pissed that they just lost New Jersey and the possibility of a Clerks 3 movie. But they understand that it's probably a good idea to listen to the smart guy who makes the fancy suit of armor.

We then get a nice mix of action and narration, which is something else that the Ultimate Universe has been lacking more than a logical argument from Glenn Beck. While the Ultimates are busy saving as many civilians as they can from Galactus's rampage, Iron Man explains to them that they're not just dealing with some giant man who hated everywhere Snookie ever lived. They're dealing with something from another universe. He knows this because he was involved when Peter Parker from 616 crossed over with Ultimate in Spider-Men. It not only provides a logical connection to this story and Spider-Men, it ensures that he doesn't just pull this knowledge out of his ass like Bill O'Riley.

It's actually pretty detailed, which is something I haven't seen in an Ultimate comic since President Obama's approval rating was over 50 percent. He points out that Galactus has an energy signature similar to the one he detected when Peter Parker from 616 entered their world. From this information, he logically infers that Galactus came from the same universe as Peter Parker. It's so logical that a creationist would burst into tears. All the while, there's some awesome heroics going on in the background that makes it sound less like a quick lecture in alternate universe physics and more like an epic fucking battle.

Since they can't just shoot Galactus with bombs, they decide to look for more information. And once again, the story connects nicely with Spider-Men in that Iron Man and Monica Chang pay a visit to Quentin Beck from 616, who was stranded in Ultimate after the events of Spider-Men and thrown in prison. Seeing as how he was an asshole in both world's, it's hard to feel bad for him. But at the very least, he does identify Galactus and lets them know that the Reed Richards in his world saved them from Galactus. This pisses Iron Man off because Reed Richards in Ultimate is the kind of colossal douche who blows up Washington DC. I'm sure if he just blew up K-street and Congress, it wouldn't have been as bad. But he just had to go for overkill.

Now as nice as these connections are, it may be confusing for those who didn't read Spider-Men or don't know the circumstances surrounding it. Anyone who smoked too much weed may be like, "Whoa...Mysterio is in prison in the Ultimate Universe? My carpet looks like my ex-girlfriend's pubic hair? Green Bay isn't even Green?" It's one of the trade-offs with making these sorts of connections. Dumb-ass stoners or casual fans who ditched Ultimate after it started sucking elephant balls might be confused. However, I still think it's a trade-off worth making.

After getting some badly needed information from Mysterio, they decide they'll need to venture into 616 for help since this is their monster. They venture to a special site where the Ultimate version of Amadeus Cho, who looks like a Krillen rip-off from Dragonball Z, has been studying the portal that Mysterio used to enter Ultimate. It was bound to happen at some point. Ultimate is going to cross over with 616 again. Now there was a time when Marvel was dead set against ever crossing over the two universes. Joe Quesada himself once said if they did that, then they would be out of ideas. Well considering how badly Ultimate has sucked so much ass, I think those words were nothing short of prophetic. Now I could list all the ways a crossover story with Ultimate at this point would just shovel more shit on the shit pile. But I think the pile is so big at this point that it's pointless.

There's a big debate of sorts as to who gets to go to 616, a world that isn't in the process of being destroyed. Iron Man first makes the argument that he should go and it makes a pretty decent amount of sense, but they then logically argued that he needs to stay in Ultimate because he's their top egghead now. And they can't afford to lose him. Again, it's another instance of logic that would give Richard Dawkins a boner and make creationists cry. So then someone else has to go and Miles Morales volunteers.

This is hardly surprising. Again, it's Brian Michael Bendis who is writing this shit. And it's Miles who is providing the narration and perspective for this story. It makes sense that he should be the one to travel to another world to help save his own. Plus, Peter Parker already came to his world. It's only fair that he return the favor. It's the perfect plan. But in Ultimate, there's no such thing.

Before Miles can boldly spark yet another crossover in a world where so many are already sick to death of them, Ultimate Reed Richards shows up. Like I said earlier, he's a colossal douche in Ultimate, so much so that Thor hits him with his hammer the moment he shows up. Now that's not to say that Reed was always like this in Ultimate. The story of how he became said douche is a long, horribly written story that's right up there with Adam Sandler's last movie in terms of how bad it is. And for that reason, I'm okay that they're somewhat glossed over.

But Reed didn't just show up to become an even bigger douche. Sure, he blew up Washington DC. But he has a vested interest in Galactus not devouring the planet. He also points out that at the molecular level, he is still Reed Richards and he would be recognized as such in 616. So if he went there, he could access all of 616 Reed's hardware and intel. The rest of the Ultimates hate the idea of trusting him more than the Tea Party hates the idea of watching President Obama succeed. Again, the use of logic here is uncanny. That and they're kind of working on a time limit here with Galactus attempting to devour their world. Under these circumstances, they have to be willing to work with a colossal douche-bag.

So the Ultimates now have a plan. The only ones missing from the action are the X-men, or what's left of them. That's the fucked up thing about this event and Ultimate in general. There are no X-men. There are just a bunch of mutants basically going through the same stories we already read when Matt Fraction told them five years ago with his Utopia story. The difference here is that this version sucked much worse. For some reason, Ultimate Jean Grey is standing with them after mind-raping and trying to kill some of her friends. And for other reasons that make no fucking sense, they still act like they're X-men when they might as well be cos-players.

This is one part of the story where the logic breaks down. All these X-men wannabes do is just comment on how it looks like the world is about to end and nobody really gives a shit about mutants in the Ultimate universe. It's not wrong. But all they do is just stand around and look more deadpanned than a stoner at a 7-Elevan that just ran out of chips. I get that Marvel wants to involve every aspect of the Ultimate universe. This is just a piss poor way of doing it.

There's a good reason why I don't usually review Ultimate comics on this blog anymore. I hate having to grade them on a curve because Ultimate has been built on upon a foundation of soft, steaming pile of whale shit for the past four years. Grading Ultimate is like grading Paris Hilton's IQ test. That said, I'll still concede that Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand #2 was an improvement. But saying its an improvement is like saying the sewer water in India is cleaner. It's a shitty reference point so to speak. But what made this issue better than the first was that it took a step back from the flashy, end-of-the-world bullshit that we've seen in every Michael Bay movie ever made and added some personal touches. Some of it was random, like Ultimate Reed showing up and Ultimate Jean Grey being among the people she recently tried to murder and mind rape. But given how fucked up Ultimate is to begin with, I think it's too much to ask to be that refined. Like a pool with a big turd in the center, the best anyone can do is swim around it. I give Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand #2 a 8 out of 10. If this took place six years ago, it might be on the level of a young Jenna Jameson. Now it might as well be on the level of Liza Minelli. Nuff said!

Epic Destruction: Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand #1

The following is my review of Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

It used to be a real challenge to sufficiently convey the epic scale of a story. Now with the advent of CGI and Photoshop, it’s possible for anyone with moderate to advanced computer skills to operate on a scale equivalent to a heavyweight prize fighter in boxing. This has made it so people don’t have to overly use their imagination to put a story into a certain context. However, it has also made it so the concept of epic scale is graded on a reverse curve. It has gotten to the point where if it were a course in college, getting a mere C-minus would require the kind of effort that usually warrants an A.

In Marvel’s Ultimate comics, that grading scale has become so horribly skewed that even the biggest overachievers in every Ivy League school in the world would be turned off by it. Throughout its history, the Ultimate comics have raised the bar for epic storytelling. There was even a time when it contained some of the most epic stories in contemporary comics. However, that might as well have been a lifetime ago when AOL was still the most popular internet service and Apple’s stock price was under ten dollars a share.

Since then, Ultimate Marvel has become a victim of its own distorted scale. Events like Ultimatum, Death of Spider-Man, and President Captain America have left it in a state of stagnation where the narrative seems to be in a state of constantly healing from old festering wounds. But now Marvel seeks to recapture the sense of epic scale that once made Ultimate Marvel one of the most compelling narratives in comics. Cataclysm: The Ultimates’ Last Stand isn’t just another bit of disaster porn in a universe where Marvel has the luxury of horribly maiming its characters both physically and mentally. It actually is part of a much larger story that ties directly into Age of Ultron. That story already began with a prelude of sorts in Hunger, which showed Galactus entering the Ultimate universe in his never-ending quest to sate his hunger. Now he’s like a hungry wolf who just had a steak ripped from his mouth before he could fully gorge and Ultimate Earth represents a much thicker, juicer steak.

The very premise itself is epic in a way that simply would not work in Marvel’s mainline comics. The Ultimate comics is essentially a wounded duck where half the flock has been shot down by hunters equipped with machine guns. The Fantastic Four, S.H.I.E.L.D., the X-men, and the Ultimates are all considerably weaker, ravaged by years of ineptitude, ego, and utterly unheroic behavior. They are completely unequipped to deal with a threat like Galactus and for most of Cataclysm: The Ultimates Last Stand #1, this is painfully apparent.

From the moment of his arrival, Galactus barely breaks a sweat. S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Ultimates throw everything they have at him and Galactus still manages to destroy the entire state of New Jersey as if it were an appetizer at dinner. But that isn’t what gives this issue an appropriate sense of scale. The story of Galactus’s arrival is told through the eyes of Miles Morales, who has been one of the few bright spots within an Ultimate series that has otherwise been in increasingly forgettable. In Age of Ultron, he saw a vision of Galactus entering the Ultimate universe. So it’s fitting that his perspective is the one that establishes the narrative. He may be a teenager, but who else other than an overwhelmed teenager could offer a fitting perspective of an attack by Galactus?

This perspective is what helps make Cataclysm: The Ultimates Last Stand #1 resonate in a way that recent Ultimate events, such as Hunger, have failed to accomplish. It’s not enough to just throw the characters of Ultimate into a story that involves cities blowing up and beloved characters dying. Miles’s perspective makes the story more engaging. It’s not like just standing outside the bathroom while a massive bar fight breaks out during a football game. There is actually sense of personality that is perfectly complemented by the detailed artwork of Mark Bagley, who helped establish the style of Ultimate Marvel during its earliest days. So even if that skewed grading scale was applied, this issue would earn an A-minus in terms of presenting a sufficiently epic story.

But it’s only an A-minus because aside from Miles, there’s not much else that this issue offers in terms of plot. Galactus shows up and starts destroying Ultimate Earth. The heroes in Ultimate that haven’t been killed, gone crazy, or turned evil do their best to fight back. However, there’s never a point in the story where it seems like they’re doing anything more than throwing sand in the face of an angry grizzly bear. It still has the same problem that like Hunger had from the very beginning. Ultimate Marvel has just become so damaged in recent years that the threat of global destruction simply has little emotional impact. It’s like another beloved child star getting arrested for drugs. It’s so common that the strongest reactions are still tempered to the point of it being bland.

Like de-caffinated coffee, the impact of Cataclysm: The Ultimates Last Stand #1 is limited. However, the circumstances of the story that tie it into the aftermath of Age of Ultron, which is still unfolding, give the plot some badly needed emotional weight. For once, Ultimate feels like a part of a greater narrative that involves more than just destroying things that can’t be readily destroyed in Marvel’s 616 comics. It gives the impression that this will fundamentally change the nature of Ultimate Marvel in a way that involves more than just global destruction and shock tactics. The gravity of the story is still muted, but the scope is refreshingly fitting.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Cataclysm - The Ultimates' Last Stand #1

Break out the barf bags and camp out at the nearest toilet because I’m about to review another Ultimate book. I know it has been a while since I’ve even mentioned anything related to Ultimate comics and for good reason. The Ultimate comics have been such a clusterfuck over the past few years that if it were actual garbage, it would be hazardous to hold near an open flame. It has basically consisted of Miles bitching about being Spider-Man, the Ultimates acting like assholes, and the X-men basically telling the same fucking story about Utopia that was told only a few fucking years ago. Even if all the toilet paper on the planet ran out, I wouldn’t use this crap because I have too much respect for my ass and the shit that comes out of it. But now Marvel is promising more upheavals with Cataclysm: The Ultimates' Last Stand. It picks up right from where Age of Ultron ended with Galactus entering the Ultimate universe. And he’s got the munchies like a motherfucker and he’s going to gorge on Ultimate Earth. Given how fucked Ultimate Earth has been in recent years, it’s an act of mercy. Never-the-less, I have a sincere hope that this will somehow lead to an overhaul of the Ultimate comics that will make it so I can think about them without becoming violently ill. So here I go with my review of Cataclysm: The Ultimates’ Last Stand #1 and if at some point anyone experiences explosive diarrhea, don’t worry. That’s normal with Ultimate.

In addition to explosive diarrhea, it’s also painfully common in the world of Ultimate that Spider-Man sucks at keeping his identity secret. Peter Parker may be dead, but Miles Morales has adopted his tendency to be way too careless with who he shows is under the mask. His friend, Genke, already knows and it’s not clear whether he’s even whispering when he’s talking to Miles about being Spider-Man. That’s like my weed dealer singing out the names and addresses of his customers on a crowded street. It can’t end well. But beyond Miles’s knack for having friends who are very bad at keeping their voices down, they discuss one of the scenes that took place in Age of Ultron #10. When time broke, Miles saw Galactus appear briefly in the Ultimate universe. For whatever reason, he didn’t stick around and his journey was later captured in the mini-series Hunger, which was almost as forgettable as the Star Wars prequels. But since this Miles is still as confused as a baby in a topless bar at what he saw.

In that sense, he shouldn’t be nearly as surprised/horrified as everyone else when Galactus returns and starts laying waste to everything around him. Not only that, he does it with a casual look on his face that reminds me of how I look when I’m fixing a sandwich. Shit starts blowing up. People start running and screaming in horror. Genke then urges Miles to get into costume and attack the giant skyscraper-sized man in the funny hat that’s currently destroying everything around him. Either Genke has way too much confidence in Miles or he’s just trying to make a clean getaway.

Miles still successfully suits up and goes after Galactus, who is basically asking the same questions. How the fuck do Spider-Man powers stack up against a guy this big and this powerful? Never mind the fact that he doesn’t know that this is fucking Galactus, the devourer of worlds from 616. This guy dines on planets in the same way I dine on Doritos after several bong hits. At the very least, Brian Michael Bendis provides some solid inner monologue to give insight into the mentality of a kid going up against Galactus. It adds a kind of personal element that the Ultimate books have been allergic too for way too fucking long. The problem is that Miles doesn’t even get a chance to finish his thought before Galactus unleashes his first attack and since he’s motherfucking Galactus, it’s pretty damn intense and pretty damn awesome.

If this sort of attack was going on in 616, it would be much more epic. And the beautiful artwork of Mark Bagely certainly gives it a very epic feel and Brian Michael Bendis gives Miles a solid voice. However, this isn’t 616. This is fucking Ultimate. This is a world where this kind of destruction is so routine and so frequent that I wouldn’t be surprised if people just started yawning instead of screaming. This isn’t the first time I’ve pointed this out in reviewing an Ultimate comic, but there’s just no emotional weight with these books anymore. Ultimate has overused plots about destruction and death so much that it might as well be as threatening as a feather. In a series where Nightcrawler, a fucking teleporter, died from drowning, there’s just no way to any kind of destruction will have any kind of impact anymore.

While the destruction may make for a boring plot, it doesn’t go unnoticed by SHIELD. Apparently, Galactus’s first attack was to wipe out all of New Jersey. I’m guessing the guys at Marvel aren’t fans of the New Jersey Devils, Kevin Smith movies, and the Jersey Shore. That or I guess they just want to show off Galactus’s power by destroying the one state that contains the largest per capita of annoying douche-bags. I’m honestly trying not to root for Galactus, but this is making it really hard.

Again, the artwork and epic scale of the battle here is awesome. But nobody is going to be on the edge of their seat. SHIELD launches an attack against Galactus and Galactus still looks like he’s just making a sandwich. It’s not a fair fight in the slightest. SHIELD might as well be throwing cotton balls at Galactus. They don’t make a single dent and like Ellen DeGeneres at a male strip club, there’s nothing too arousing or surprising. It just looks awesome. But depending on how many joints have been smoked, that may be more than enough.

The destruction keeps getting worse and worse, yet the impact still falls flatter than Al Gore’s voice at an economics lecture. But the focus isn’t only on the destruction. If SHIELD can’t even scratch Galactus and Spider-Man has no hope of contributing, he still does what Peter Parker would have done and tries to save the people. It’s a nice touch in what could have otherwise been developed as hardcore disaster porn. Since Ultimate began, Spider-Man has been one of the least douchebag heroes around and to his credit, Miles has kept that tradition going. But if Galactus is going to devour the entire fucking world, saving these people is no different than rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Then again, neither he nor anyone else in Ultimate know what they’re dealing with so they don’t know how fucked they are.

It may have taken the loss of an entire fucking state, but the Ultimates finally do arrive on the scene. It’s Ultimate so I can only assume they were too busy being assholes to get there fast enough. And unlike 616, they’re not nearly as stacked with powerful talent as 616. They have three quarters of the Fantastic Four, Thor, Spider-Woman, Iron Man, Hawkeye, and Captain America. They might as well be an NFL team without any offensive playmakers, like the Jasonville Jaguars. It’s not a fair fight to say the least. Then again, I don’t think it’s supposed to be a fair fight. I get the sense that the appeal of this battle is the same appeal of a battle between a puppy and a grizzly bear. It’s so horrific, yet it’s impossible to look away.

The battle intensifies and once again, we’re blessed with some incredible imagery and well-crafted action sequences. It’s the kind of Bendis/Bagley magic that once made Ultimate something that was actually more appealing than a giant a rectal wart. The Ultimates put up a much better fight than SHIELD. And for the first time in the whole issue, Galactus actually flinches. Granted, Galactus still looks like a guy stuck in traffic on a hot summer day, but it’s a much more compelling battle than just watching SHIELD throw expensive jet fighters at him.

And it’s not all just shooting and shit blowing up. While this battle is unfolding, Tony Stark is trying actually trying to figure out just what the fuck they’re up against. It’s actually somewhat fitting because 616 Tony Stark played such a major role in the events of Age of Ultron. Now his Ultimate counterpart, who is still basically an overly happy drunk, is picking up on his mess. The Ultimates have faced Gah Lak Tus, but that was basically a warm of cosmic bugs. This is the motherfucking he’ll-eat-your-whole-fucking-planet Galactus so it’s a much more daunting challenge to say the least.

As fitting as it may be, it’s not entirely clear how Stark figures out that Galactus is from another version of Earth. I’m sure there’s some sort of elaborate explanation of technobabble to go along with it, but then again that would take away from Bagley’s pretty artwork and we can’t have that. However he figured it out, it doesn’t do any of the Ultimates good. Once Galactus is sufficiently annoyed, he blasts them the fuck away while Tony Stark informs SHIELD that this Galactus is from another Earth. Not only that, this Galactus isn’t just out to destroy New Jersey. He’s out to destroy everything. And just like that, the whole Ultimate universe knows how fucked they are.

Reading a story like Cataclysm is like watching the 10^th Friday the 13^th movie. At this point most people are so familiar with the setup and so desensitized to the destruction that like Elton John at the Playboy Mansion, it’s hard to feel anything. The impact is really muted. The issue consists largely of the remaining Ultimate characters that haven’t been maimed, turned evil, or been fucked up beyond the point of being useful shitting themselves at the prospect of facing a threat like Galactus. But I do admit I take a perverse pleasure in seeing the most powerful entity from 616 fuck up the world of Ultimate after it has spent the past few years taking a massive steaming shit on everything that once made it great. It’s like tracking down that asshole bully from high school that everyone hated and kicking his ass while waiting in line for his herpes medication. That and the visuals with Bendis and Bagley, the Bert and Ernie of Marvel Comics, were a sight to behold. So for those who have a sadistic side or just the unapologetic Ultimate fans who for some reason haven’t been utterly disgusted by this series, there’s plenty to enjoy here. Overall, I give Cataclysm #1 a 6 out of 10. It’s fun to see the fallout from Age of Ultron continue and to see the Ultimate world collectively shit itself. And it’s done in a way that’s fairly entertaining without having to waste too many barf bags. Nuff said!