Wolverine and the X-men #29 - Future Possibilities of Awesome

I treat time travel stories in comics the same way I treat the spiciness of hot sauce. A little mixed in adds an extra bit of kick to a story. A little more and it’s good, but still uncomfortable. But too much and you’re left gagging over the sink and shitting uncontrollably late into the night. Marvel has never shied away from fucking with the space time continuum in the same way Ozzy Osborne never shies away from free booze and a line of blow. They’ve been doing a damn good job of it in All New X-men and the ongoing Age of Ultron event. But between these two major stories and the upcoming X-men event, Battle of the Atom, I’m starting to think that Father Time’s asshole can’t take much more.

I would need several blogs just to list the various alternate realities, apocalyptic and otherwise, that Marvel has conjured over the years. Some are so bizarre and fucked up that they had to be the product of insomnia, brain damage, or excessive drug use. Conversely, some are so awesome that they deserve to be tattooed between Pamela Anderson’s breasts. Marvel has been rather liberal in how they allow these new realities to emerge, but in an era when every movie is a remake or based on a book I can’t fault them for doing shit they know will get fans to fork over their hard earned cash. The folks at Marvel have to eat and pay their pot dealer too.

Wolverine and the X-men has always had the future in mind to a point. Wolverine founded the school to teach a new generation of mutants in a school named after the woman he never got to bang. What started as a massive “fuck you” to Cyclops has become a thriving institution for mutants. However, it hasn’t always made for great stories. The previous Savage Land arc only gave me night terrors of my high school gym class while also reminding me that nobody gives a shit about Wolverine’s asshole brother. While the series itself is still a fun, vibrant part of the X-men universe, it is coming off a lousy arc and is in serious need of fresh life.

So what is Marvel’s solution? Time travel into the future! That’s what Wolverine and the X-men #29 does in a way that actually leaves Father Time’s asshole intact. Doc Brown sits this one out as it begins with a simple speech from Wolverine to the students of the Jean Grey Institute. Now I’m trying to imagine Wolverine giving a speech without cringing because this is a guy who is used to stabbing shit and trying to bone married women. Giving a speech to students that won’t make them tremble like seeing Christopher Walken read 50 Shades of Grey is hard to believe. But there is a reason behind this speech. He admits that he has no idea what the fuck he’s doing, but he’s doing it because it’s something that has to be done. That and it pisses off Cyclops. I’m sure that part is implied.

But before this feeble effort at public speaking began, Wolverine led his staff on a mission. Apparently, he’s not as sick of Dog Logan as some of the readers because after the shit in the Savage Land, he tries to hunt him down. They eventually track him to a small cabin in the Rocky Mountains where he has (and this should surprise no one) time travel gear. Dog is nowhere to be found, but Wolverine is still pissed. They don’t find any clues except some old metal box. But it’s one of those fancy boxes that can’t be opened. Wolverine’s claws don’t work. Beast’s fancy gadgets don’t work. Nothing works. Why does this matter? Unless it contains Dog Logan’s porno stash, I don’t see how it could.

Back in the near future, Wolverine finishes his speech. He even gets a little sappy on his students, saying the X-men are his family and he wants to protect his family at all costs. Never mind that he often runs off with the Avengers and goes on all sorts of solo adventures. Like the cheating Republican Congressman who claims to love his family while banging the shit out of his mistress, he says he wants to protect them. So to help preserve the future and past of the Jean Grey Institute, he organizes a little time capsule for the students to compile. It contains random shit including Kid Omega’s “Cyclops Was Right” shirt. While I’m still trying to get my hands on that shirt, it’s an unusual and somewhat redundant gesture when you think about it. The institute already has time-displaced X-men. A time capsule just sounds like dipping hot peppers in tobacco sauce. It’s not going to change the effect of jack shit.

This leads directly into yet another potential future for the X-men when they already have a fuckton of them. But for once, this future isn’t a dystopian future. Let me write that again so that readers know I’m not as stoned as they think I am. This future is NOT a dystopian future. Instead, it’s a future where the Jean Grey Institute is still intact. Mutants are still alive and not being hunted for target practice like baby seals in Sarah Palin’s back yard. I think this is worth emphasizing because most of the time when time travel is involved, the future is fucked. That’s what we got with Days of Futures Past. That’s what we’re getting right now with Age of Ultron. Yet this is not the case. So already I’m having to take a few extra bong hits to wrap my head around it, but I will say it’s a nice change of pace.

We get some insight into this new school. Somehow, there’s a Professor Xorn (or it could be another Magneto in disguise) making announcement about the training schedule at the institute. There’s a wide range of mutants crowding the institute grounds, some of which look like the kind of shit you see on a good LSD trip and others that just look like regular kids that probably have fucked up powers. There are even a few hints of the X-men having knocked up their teammates. There’s a Carmen Drake, Warren Worthington IV, Charlene Xavier, Rose Logan, and Summer Grey. Okay, so they’re not all that creative. But it does show that some of the X-men do manage to survive pregnancy and changing diapers.

And amidst this seemingly non-dystopian future, an old gray-haired Wolverine digs up the time capsule that we just saw get buried. Why does he have gray hair when he’s never been shown to age? I have no fucking clue and that’s probably one of those details Marvel is content to overlook. For a while Wolverine just muses about how he doesn’t remember burying this capsule, which is kind of the point while reiterating that he had no fucking idea what he was doing. There’s really nothing that we haven’t seen before, but for reasons that really aren’t that clear it inspires him to act on an impulse. So I guess the future doesn’t change him that much.

He then travels up to a space station being manned by Eye Boy, who is actually Eye Man now but Wolverine refuses to call him anything else. In the previous arc we saw Eye Boy finally grow half a testicle and show that he’s not a pussy. Well in the future he apparently puts all those extra eyes of his to good use by being a monitor of sorts for the X-men. It’s a fitting job for someone like him, but it does mean dealing with assholes like Wolverine.

After paying him a visit, Wolverine demands to use the time travel gear locked in the vault at the station. Eye Boy says no fucking way and some of the robot guards, called Arcangels, decide to agree with him. Wolverine, once again showing that age hasn’t changed his violent inclinations, decides to rip them to shreds and Eye Boy reluctantly helps him. It’s a nice bit of action, but it’s a little overly basic. Wolverine says he wants to send a message to the past. Apparently, he’s barred from ever time traveling himself (Age of Ultron gives a pretty good reason why), but he still can’t resist fucking with the time stream.

Wolverine then gives another speech that is hard to imagine him saying out loud without cringing. He talks about how so much shit happened to the students over the years and questions whether it was worth it. He even mentions some future events (and Jean of course) and is intent on warning himself. Given how everything turned out, I’m not sure why the fuck he would risk it all for just a message. But he does so anyways. He sends a message back into the past in the form of a little capsule with a note and key inside. He ends up burying it right where Wolverine attempted to bury the time capsule. I don’t know if that counts as irony, but I guess clarity is a luxury that most time travel stories can’t afford.

In addition, Wolverine isn’t the only one looking to fuck up the future. And if you were like me in that the previous arc made you never want to see Dog Logan again, prepare to be disappointed. Because after running away from Wolverine like a pussy, he met up with the folks at the Hellfire Club (who are still fucking kids mind you) and decided to join them. While he would probably fit right in with him, the utter lack of respect his character has garnered makes it difficult to give a fuck.

As for what was in that unbreakable box, it wasn’t exactly Ozzy Osborne’s drug stash. It was just a couple of toy boats that Wolverine and Dog Logan played with as kids. That’s it. There was no ominous future tech or any clear message that might have actually had an impact. It’s just a couple of old toys. Of all the shit Wolverine sends to his past self, that’s it? No winning lotto numbers? No Superbowl picks? No locks of Jean Grey’s hair? I think that warrants plenty of WTFs, but I’m not even sure it matters if you still don’t give a shit about Dog Logan.

But Dog isn’t the only one that joins the Hellfire Club. Someone who a number of readers might actually give a shit about decides to join as well. Idie, the lovably innocent young girl who may or may not be right-wing Christian bigot, decides to set Broo free and join the Hellfire Club. She still thinks she’s a monster and won’t let anyone convince her otherwise. I want to say she’s taking the whole Catholic guilt thing way too far, but it’s hard not to feel bad for her. She still thinks she’s a monster and still has to live with the fact that she follows the same religion as Rick Santorum and Michelle Bachmann.

In the end Father Time’s asshole is still left slight sore, but compared to what he’s endured lately with Age of Ultron and All New X-men I doubt he’ll notice. I’m not really sure what to make of an issue like this. It’s not an arc or a one-shot. It’s sort of like an epilogue to the previous arc and a prelude to the next arc. Maybe it’s just the weed talking, but I’m a bit confused. Never-the-less, it was a fun issue that stood on its own without getting too convoluted. And for a time travel story, that’s saying something.

For once, this glimpse into the future didn’t involve a full blown apocalypse. There was no dystopia where giant robots, alien overlords, or mutated insects ruled the planet. This time the future was actually somewhat appealing. The world was intact. Mutants were still alive, thriving, and not rotting in concentration camps. There were even hints that some of the X-men survived long enough to have some kids. While the issue was somewhat coy with who managed to get freaky and live long enough to see it through, it was still a pretty appealing future that was more intact than anything Marvel has shown lately.

But as appealing as the future may have been, I’m still not sure what the fuck the point was of burying the time capsule or the shit in that box. I was hoping that we had seen the last of Dog Logan after the previous arc. We really did not need to see that asshole again. His entire character still amounts to “I hate Wolverine and will do anything to fuck him up.” Even Sabretooth is more intelligible than him. At least Sabretooth can say that he knocked up Mystique. Him joining the Hellfire kids, who are also more intelligible, doesn’t come off as that appealing. It just means we have to deal with Dog Logan’s sorry ass again.

I don’t want to discount this issue solely on the basis of a character I don’t like. I still find Dog Logan more appealing than Hope fucking Summers. This issue did have some nice elements that we haven’t seen in a time travel story in quite a while. I’m guessing that this is one of those futures that is just one of the many possible futures. I doubt Marvel will ever revisit it because like that bitchy masseuse with the nice rack who is never satisfied with the tip you give her, they refuse to give a happy ending. We don’t know just how happy this future is, but it’s left wide open for interpretation and given the twisted minds of comic book fans these days I’m sure fans will come up with any number of fucked up ideas.

I admit that I wasn’t really looking forward to another time travel story in a Marvel comic, even if it was just a one-shot. This issue wasn’t terrible. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It had some nice moments and some nice little teasers. But the prospect of more Dog Logan and the Hellfire kids made it hard to be excited about, even with the aid of magic mushrooms and tequila. It doesn’t take away from some of the more emotional moments like Wolverine’s speech or his musings about the future. So I give Wolverine and the X-men #29 a 3 out of 5. So what does the future hold now? Well, at least they have one future where they aren’t completely screwed over. But there is one thing I am sure of. In the future, people still won’t give a shit about Dog Logan. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue 74: Dark Messenger is LIVE!

The X-men Supreme fanfiction series is ready to continue with a fresh new one-shot arc. For a while now, I've been focusing on larger multi-issue stories. I understand those can be hard to follow at times so I'm hoping to be more concise with this new issue. I always make an effort to create a fanfiction series that offers a wide range of stories, characters, and arcs. WIth the recent election of Robert Kelly as President of the United States, a lot of those arcs have been somewhat political. There's definitely a place for that in the world of X-men, but as I said previously part of the appeal of X-men is the diversity of stories offered. That diversity includes stories that involve forces that are more nefarious than politics, if you can believe that.

Throughout the history of Marvel comics, the X-men have been no strangers to magic. I knew when I began the X-men Supreme fanfiction series that I wanted a few major arcs centered around magic. That's what led me to craft the ongoing story surrounding Nightcrawler and his girlfriend, Amanda Sefton, and the secrets that she and her mother guard. From the beginning, I've linked Nightcrawler's history with certain mystical elements. His mysterious father, Azazel, took magic very seriously. He made it clear to his son that there are threats in the world that he must be ready to confront. Unfortunately, he died before he could reveal the nature of these threats. Now one of them has found its way to his girlfriend, Amanda. And that threat has a name and she's already shown up recently in the pages of X-men Supreme. Her name is Selene Gallio.

She has already made her presence felt in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series as the Black Queen of the Inner Circle. She was the one that lured the Phoenix Force into Jean Grey during the Phoenix Saga and she held her own against the Phoenix Force in the final battle. But her story goes beyond the Inner Circle and the Phoenix. She is now ready to reveal some of her dark agenda to the X-men and it begins with a daring clash in this latest issue and Nightcrawler's girlfriend is at the center of it all.

X-men Supreme Issue 74: Dark Messenger

The X-men Supreme fanfiction series is a large and diverse universe with many powerful forces causing conflict for the X-men. There are many stories for me to tell in this series. I have big plans for all of them, but for them to be as awesome as they need to be it is important that fans and readers take the time to provide feedback. If I don't know I'm doing something wrong, then I won't be able to fix it. So please take the time to post comments in this and every other issue of X-men Supreme. Or you can always contact me directly if you wish. As always, I deeply appreciate those who do take the time to provide feedback. Please know that I make an effort to respond to it in kind. I hope everyone continues to enjoy the X-men Supreme fanfiction series! Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

Uncanny X-Force #4 - Old Plot Holes And New Drama

What do you get when you take a strong black woman, an angry black man from the future, an hot Asian ninja chick, a Canadian midget and put them in a comic? First off, you get a comic that would make the average Fox News viewer or Glenn Beck supporter shit themselves. Second, you get the cast of Uncanny X-Force. No one could ever claim that this series doesn’t have a diverse cast with a gritty backdrop. But what exactly does this mix create? After three issues, three reviews, and many bong hits I’m still not sure.

This series has been among the re-launched X-books that has not been up to par with the quality of the other books. And I say that not because of the cast. I say that because the story is all over the fucking place. What happens is exciting and action-packed, but it’s lacking on details. We don’t know what the hell happened to Bishop or how the hell he ended back in the past. We don’t know what the hell is going on with the Fantomex twins, but we’re pretty sure it demonstrates a creepy level of incest/masturbation not seen since the Maximoff twins in the early Ultimate comics. Now I’m usually a very patient guy. That’s one of the many benefits to being a drunk. I always have ways to pass the time. But with so many other X-books raising the bar, this series that Rick Remender made synonymous with constant awesome has been getting left behind.

However, there is still a story to be told here. A new team of X-Force led by Storm and Psylocke has plenty of appeal, if for no other reason than to see two pissed off women fight for reasons that don’t involve a jaded ex. They started out just seeking a mutant that was getting people high with her powers. They ended up fighting Spiral and Bishop. There was some rather random developments with the Fantomex twins, but the less explored there the better. Uncanny X-Force #3 started putting the pieces in place, but it still lacked the details. With Uncanny X-Force #4, shit is ready to start blowing up again and without the aid of crystal meth no less.

The explosions begin with Bishop tracking down Spiral and Ginny to a subway station. I could probably make a fuckton of insensitive race jokes about an angry black man hunting down a couple of white women, but I’d rather not make friends with the KKK or end up on Al Shaprton’s shit list. I’ll just say that Bishop is still packing some strange new power (which hasn’t been explained) and he’s dead set on attacking Ginny (which also hasn’t been explained). I imagine there will be some serious delays on the subway because of this and for once it won’t be because some drunk fell on the tracks and tried to pick a fight with an oncoming train.

An equally destructive, albeit one that won’t affect anybody’s commute, is also unfolding in Bishop’s mind. At the end of the previous issue, Psylocke finally managed to break into Bishop’s mind, which apparently had been warped to a point where his thoughts manifested around angry bears. I’m not sure if that’s because of doing too much time travel or if Bishop was mauled by a bear as a child, but we get some very nice action scenes that show Psylocke kicking ass in the mental world as well as she does in the physical world.

But beyond the fact that Psylocke is undeniably hot when she’s kicking ass, she also learns that this may actually not be a result of Bishop just being fucked up. There’s another presence in his mind. It’s a very light tease that is not expanded on in the slightest, but at the very least it will offer some comfort to Bishop fans who think his character has been more shat upon than the handicapped toilet at the Buffalo Wing Factory. He’s not in control here. Another force is influencing him. Yet I’m sure that would not stop the Avengers from blaming him for all the shit he does and throwing him in a jail cell next to Cyclops.

However, Bishop seems blissfully unaware of the fact that a hot Asian woman is fighting giant bears in his mind. He’s still got a hard-on for fighting Spiral and Ginny, but not in the Catholic way thankfully. Spiral, who is drained from running and teleporting, decides to leave Ginny behind and confront Bishop head on. She’s got six arms and he’s only got some fucked up force in his mind with a bear fetish. It should be a fair fight on paper. Hell, I would bet money on it and probably lose my rent money for the next two months. But it still isn’t as epic as Psylocke kicking mental ass.

I would have loved to see how this battle played out, but instead we get one page (one completely wasted page in my drunken option) of Fantomex fighting…well, another Fantomex. This is another one of those gaping plot holes that involves a creepy level of incest/masturbation/a completely new form of fucked up that even a Tijuana hooker wouldn’t do. Fantomex (the one with the penis) is pining for Psylocke despite having a female version of himself to bone. So they decide to go after her. At least they’re within the same neighborhood, but before they can make any meaningful contribution to the story the evil Fantomex (it’s as fucked up as it sounds) barges in and knocks him off the roof.

I’m not trying to be anti-Fantomex here, but the way he and his split personality has been handled in this series makes him hard to give a shit about. This guy is still a douche and he’s not helping his case by essentially boning himself. It also doesn’t help that he’s had absolutely no effect on the story at hand here. I get that he’s still got a hard-on for Psylocke, but if he’s not even going to play a part in the story then why waste the ink? That’s like pouring paint thinner on chicken wings. It can only do damage.

Thankfully, that’s the last we see of Fantomex and his twisted tastes in incest. We go right back to the battle between Bishop and Spiral. It’s not a very epic battle, especially for an X-Force comic. But it is well-done in that it conveys the visceral grit that I credit the series for maintaining despite the plot holes. Whether because of his warped mind or those convenient bear powers that have only been partially explained, Bishop manages to subdue Spiral. But as he’s showing off his fancy new powers, Storm and the rest of the team arrive. Storm didn’t think that just attacking Bishop’s mind was going to do the job. They need a more direct approach and that happens to be X-Force’s specialty.

For Storm, the direct approach doesn’t mean a punch to the face or a kick in the nuts. It means a big fucking lightning bolt right down an enemy’s spine. While she more than any other character tried to approach Bishop as a former X-man and not the guy who ended up shooting Charles Xavier in the fucking head, she finally came to the conclusion that the only solution to this problem was lightning. Seeing as how Wolverine solves all his problems with his claws and Storm may be boning him, that makes perfect sense. And just to make sure Bishop is completely emasculated, Puck knocks him out. Because a man who gets shocked by an angry black woman and punched out by a Canadian midget just isn’t getting back up if he knows what’s good for him.

While Bishop may have to deal with much smaller testicles moving forward, his defeat at least offers something more compelling than just Storm, Psylocke, and Puck kicking his ass. For a moment, he snaps out of his bear-rage or whatever the fuck it’s called and seems to be disoriented. This lends further credence to Psylocke’s earlier revelation that there’s another presence inside Bishop’s head. It doesn’t fill in the still gaping plot hole, but it at least provides some of the materials to do so. And I’d rather get the duct tape and wood to fix a problem than to have the contractor just piss on the hole in my wall and drive off.

With Bishop now subdued along with his manhood, the team turns their attention to Spiral. Psylocke, still itching for a fight, confronts her. But Spiral isn’t in much a mood to fight. First she lost Ginny and then she got her ass kicked by Bishop. You can’t blame her for not wanting to fight. So instead of more mindless action, we get some much needed drama. It makes Sprial come off as less of a total douche and reveals that Psylocke is still dealing with some serious issues after her last stint in X-Force. Thankfully, Storm is there to console her in a way that I know fanfiction writers will go crazy with. I only ask that you hold off on it until we know for certain that the plot holes in his series won’t be filled. Okay, perhaps that was a poor choice of words.

So the fighting is over. Bishop is down. Spiral is all tuckered out. But that doesn’t stop Puck from doing a little boasting. The guy may be small, but he talks like he’s seven feet tall. And I guess someone must have caught this shit on a cell phone and posted it to youtube because Wolverine later finds out at the Jean Grey Institute that this little mission caused a public raucous. It seems somewhat trivial, but considering how Wolverine urged Psylocke to be discrete early on in this series this definitely has the potential to piss him off. And usually good stories happen when Wolverine is pissed off.

There are still way too many plot holes that have not been filled or are only partially filled, but one that does finally get some attention is Ginny herself. From the get-go, we really haven’t learned much about her. She’s come off as some scared little girl that Spiral is protecting for reasons that come off as creepy, but not quite in the Catholic sort of way. She is the one who was the source of that strange drug craze that Wolverine sent Psylocke to investigate. But she hasn’t shown that she’s more fucked up than any young girl who is still learning how to use a tampon.

Well that finally changes. Having run off from Spiral, just as she was instructed, she ends up at a bar in a hotel. Usually when an underage girl goes to a bar in a hotel, nothing good comes of it. Well this is no exception. Because after asking for a drink like an alcoholic who endured one too many AA meetings, she reveals that she’s still fucking with minds and using it to get booze. But I have to say it’s a lot more logical than just making people dance like idiots.

In my recent review of Uncanny Avengers #8, I preached the value of patience when following a comic. I still stand by those words. Awesome is always worth waiting for, but there was a caveat. It has to at least be hinted at or implied that being patient will pay off in the long run. If it doesn’t, that’s like buying a stock that offers no indication that it’ll make you any money. That shit may work for the Bernie Madoff’s of the world, but it doesn’t work for comic.

After four issues, this new iteration of Uncanny X-Force still has gaping plot holes and few hints as to when they’ll be filled or even if they’ll be filled. We still don’t have a fucking clue how Bishop came back from the future, what that other presence in his head might be, what crazy presence is driving Ginny, what the fuck the Fantomex clan is trying to do other than raise the bar for incest in comics, or how this new X-Force team is going to function. I want to believe that an effort will be made, but I also want to believe that Sarah Palin will one day realize why people call her an ill-informed dipshit and we know that’s not happening. I may be a drunk, but even I understand when something ceases to be practical at some point. That’s why I don’t make bongs out of dead rats and old blenders.

Despite these astonishing gaps, this issue did at least put all the major characters in the same general area. I guess that counts for something because the issue wasn’t all over the place like it had been in previous issues. And at least the hint of some strange psychic presence in both Bishop and Ginny offers some clues as to other forces being at work. But those forces were poorly explored and still left me scratching my head and searching for another joint.

However, I will give some credit to this issue being more concise. We now know that Ginny isn’t exactly and innocent bystander. And the drama surrounding Spiral, Psylocke, and Storm was nicely done. I’m sure there are any number of fanfiction writers who could make that scene into a casual lesbian orgy. Puck also went out of his way to look awesome so there’s definitely some merit there, but this series still has a long ways to go and I’m not sure I have the patience to wait much longer. Guess I’ll just need more weed in the meantime. I give Uncanny X-Force #4 a 3 out of 5. If you’re picking up this book hoping for answers, you’re going to be disappointed. If you’re picking up this book to see beautiful women and vertically challenged Canadians kick ass, you should get some enjoyment out of it. Nuff said!

Uncanny Avengers #8 - Exceedingly Detailed Awesome

I don’t pretend to be an expert in minority relations. I generally operate under the “don’t be a dick” principle and the “don’t justify bigotry with ancient mythology” philosophy. I like to think that has served me pretty well over the years. I’ve never really had any problem with a particular race, religion, ethnic group, gender (when ex-girlfriends aren’t involved), or sexual preferences (again, when girlfriend’s aren’t involved). And while I may not be qualified, I still think I’m perfectly credible in saying that Alex Summers is fucking awful when it comes to minority relations.

Let’s look at his situation. His brother is basically scapegoated for the shit that happened in Avengers vs. X-men and his first reaction is to whine about it. Captain America comes to him hoping to form a new team of Avengers and X-men to avoid shit like this and once again, Havok’s first reaction is to whine about it. Later on when he tries to do a little PR work to improve human/mutant relations, his main argument involves whining about the use of the word mutant. See the pattern? Rather than do what his brother did and actually rally mutants to his cause (when he wasn’t banging hot telepaths), he just whines. When your tactics are on par with a three-year-old, you suck. That’s all there is to it.

But maybe I’m being too harsh on Havok. It’s not like he’s had an ideal situation. He is trying to lead this team at a time when the Red Skull is back and armed with Charles Xavier’s powers. He managed to pull his team out of that shit storm, but now the Apocalypse Twins have emerged from the ashes of Rick Remender’s Dark Angel Saga. They have already laid waste to a Celestial. Now they’re setting their sights on Earth again and Kang the Conqueror is somewhere pulling the strings and probably jerking off with delight. There’s trial by fire and then there’s just having a really shitty sense of timing. Havok, were he not already the lesser of three brothers, would have the worst.

Yet Havok’s poor leadership skills have been part of what has made Uncanny Avengers so entertaining. It started slow, but it has really picked up in recent issues as the team continues to bitch and moan. The X-men and Avengers aren’t used to working together. That didn’t stop Wasp from trying to jump Havok’s bone, but the general sentiment of the team is they’re about as unified as the Korean peninsula right now. And at the end of Uncanny Avengers #7, the Apocalypse Twins arrived so they better unify their asses pretty damn quick.

The twins make their presence felt in Uncanny Avengers #8 by raining holy hell on Rio de Jinero. After knocking out SWORD with their Celestial ship (which they stole by the way), the debris is on a collision course with a densely populated area. Thor does his best to save as much of Rio’s most precious resource, namely beautiful women that wear thongs and don’t mind topless sunbathing. But even the God of Thunder knows he’s fucked. As he’s trying to hammer away the debris, he recalls how it was his drunken ass that led him to forking over the magic axe that ended up killing the Celestial and allowed the twins to take the ship in the first place. It’s like that kid whose lunch money you took back in grade school coming back as a trained Navy SEAL and body builder asking that you pay up. And as Thor is finding out, that price hurts like hell either way.

Thankfully, Thor won’t have to live with the burden of being the asshole that indirectly killed thousands of thong-loving Brazilians. In the previous issue, Sunfire chose to stay on the crippled space station as it crashed down to Earth. Here, we find out why. It wasn’t some bullshit act of atonement meant to make up for being a former horsemen of Apocalypse. It was actually strategic in that by staying on board, he was able to go thermonuclear to a point that allowed him to vaporize the debris. It effectively saves Rio and earns him some adulation (and maybe a few thongs from grateful women). They then fly up to the Celestial ship together where they learn that it was hijacked, Grand Theft Auto IV style, minus the part where they ran over a hooker. Being a former horsemen of Apocalypse, Sunfire knows they’re up against some serious shit and Thor knows he needs to stop getting into bar fights with demigods.

As Thor and Sunfire explore the Celestial ship, the rest of the Uncanny Avengers assemble to investigate. They make their way to the North Pole where Arcangel established the Metropolis of Akkaba, a city entirely dedicated to serving Apocalypse. It’s basically North Korea, but with a slightly less insane leader. The mere fact that Wolverine knows of the city is cause for concern because it reveals that he’s got a few dirty little secrets that don’t involve locks of Jean Grey’s hair or other bastard kids he’s fathered because of his aversion to condoms. Not everything involving X-Force has been revealed, but both the Avengers and his fellow X-men suspect that Wolverine is being more of an ass than usual.

It further adds to Rick Remender’s tendency to link events from this series to his legendary run on Uncanny X-Force. I often say that comics that make sense are as rare as child star that doesn’t become a total fuck-up. But for every Amanda Bynes, there’s a Neil Patrick Harris. And this book takes it a step further by actually exploring the consequences for Wolverine’s bullshit. In the same way not wearing a condom will leave you either diseased or screwed, keeping secrets from your teammates at a time when the X-men and Avengers still don’t trust each other is like doubling down in blackjack when you’re broke. It’s a shitty idea. Rogue even confronts him about it, pointing out that the Apocalypse twins resemble Angel. I personally don’t see the resemblance, but both she and Wasp make it clear they know someone is hiding something. And like that nasty taste in the burger you got from some asshole at a fast food joint, it’s important to know what you’re biting into.

While Wolverine is getting surrounded by women in the exact opposite way most men prefer, we find out that Captain America crashed landed in the worst possible place that doesn’t involve a dentist office or a proctologist office. He was among the many who jumped into an escape pod when the Celestial ship crashed into SWORD and while everyone else probably landed on a nice nude beach in France, he ended up in Sudan. And for anyone who doesn’t keep up with the news (and you’re completely forgiven if you don’t), Sudan is about as pro-America as PETA is pro-KFC. And since Captain America is wearing the freakn’ flag, he might as well be a walking strip of bacon in Elvis’s kitchen.

Cap ends up having to run for his life, as is often the case in Sudan when there are more loaded assault rifles than porn. He gets wounded along the way and has to duck for cover. There’s some nice narration here, which Remender has used throughout this series. I know some fans don’t like that in a comic. If you happen to meet those fans, please give them the courtesy of punching them in the jaw because when done right, as Remender shows here, it’s pretty awesome. It adds an extra bit of drama while revealing how Captain America’s strategic mind operates.

He believes that it was no accident that he landed in Sudan. Nobody’s luck could be that shitty, even in the Marvel universe. He suspects somebody wanted him to end up here. That’s what leads him to some fancy looking box that he just happened to come across that was intended for him. Is it overly convenient? Probably, but if someone intended for him to end up in Sudan, it’s not completely illogical, like so many of Marvel’s other stories. We don’t exactly find out what is in the box. It’s another fucking cliffhanger, but it’s far from the most frustrating cliff-hanger that Marvel has done (looking at you, Age of Ultron).

In addition to giving us insight with Cap, the internal narration helps offer some insight into the Apocalypse Twins. To this point we only know that they’re the result of Arcangel not being evolved enough to use a damn condom when he was Apocalypse. We also know that Kang, who for some reason is completely MIA, took them into the future. Now we find out through their musing that they come from a very shitty future where the Red Skull, who already mind-fucked a lot of people into attacking mutants, ended up mind-fucking the whole world and the entire mutant race.

Now the Apocalypse Twins are looking to undo that by finishing what Arcangel started. On Akkaba, they have already allowed thousands of former mutants who lost their powers after M-Day to populate the city. They are all like citizens of North Korea, conditioned to serve Apocalypse. The twins don’t demonstrate the same asshole demeanor that Apocalypse did or even the demeanor that Kim Jong Ill once did. They offer telling hints at how Kang fucked things up with time again and they were intent on fixing it. But as with most things that involve Apocalypse, fixing and blowing shit are often mutually exclusive. Hell, he probably doesn’t even have different words for it.

After they finish their pondering, they confront Thor and Sunfire, albeit via hologram. They continue to reveal more juicy details, informing Thor that the Ax of Jarnbjorn (yet another unpronounceable Asgardian weapon) was used to kill anyone who attempted to ascend to the throne of Apocalypse. So yeah, that bar fight a few issues ago had some pretty fucked up consequences. And why is killing future Apocalypse’s a bad thing? Well, without Apocalypse, Kang finally succeeds in establishing his dynasty. It’s a very potent “fuck you” to Thor, who used that axe to begin with. But they even take it a step further, revealing that Wolverine killed both that creepy kid Apocalypse and Arcangel. It’s yet another “fuck you” that probably won’t help with team unity, which was already more fragile than Lindsey Lohan’s sobriety.

And since the twins are on such a roll with the fuck yous, they keep at it. They systematically kill every single one of those followers that were worshiping them earlier. They considered it an act of mercy, which I’m sure even Kim Jong Ill would have disagreed with were he still alive and only mildly sane. But it’s not as crazy as it sounds. They boasted towards Thor and Sunfire that some very nasty, Ragnarok-style shit about to happen. And they would rather their followers not suffer through it. Is it still a dick move? Hell yes. But does it make the most twisted kind of sense? I’m sorry to say it does and I never like agreeing with the Kim Jong Ills of the world.

And for the coup de grace fuck you, the Apocalypse twins ditch Thor and Sunfire before they can try to stop them. At around the same time, the Uncanny Avengers arrive. So to throw a little icing on the cake, they proceed to blow the Metropolis of Akkaba up in a way that would give Michael Bay wet dreams for the next five years. But they look at it as more than just solving their problems through explosions. By revealing some of Thor and Wolverine’s dirty secrets, they do the work of a billion failed press conferences. They know that if the X-men and Avengers can’t get their shit together, then no one can stop them. It may be the most well-thought out plan against both teams in Marvel history and it has multiple “fuck yous” built right into it. Blowing them up (which they probably assume they’ll survive) is just an extra shot of tequila to go along with the cake.

Reading this book gave me the impression that Rick Remender was showing off his multi-tasking skills. It’s like that guy in a bar after a few drinks where he demonstrates his ability to shoot pool with one hand while pleasuring two women with the other. You know he’s showing off and being an arrogant prick about it, but you still can’t help but admire him. And I admire Remender in the same way here. Recent issues have either been mostly all talk or all action. You have a boring ass press conference with one issue and a brawl between Thor and Apocalypse the next. It’s downright bipolar at times, but this issue added some lithium to the mix by mixing both talk and action. And the resulting combination is as awesome as peanut butter, chocolate fudge, and whiskey.

All the plots that Rick Remender threw into the pot from the very beginning of this series are finally starting to mix. It’s like authentic Cajun gumbo. Once all the ingredients stop moving and the chunks get softer, it takes on a more appealing consistency. The Apocalypse Twins aren’t just thrown into that pot. Remender actually takes time to explore who these two are, what their agenda is, and why they’re doing all this crazy shit that involves killing a Celestial and scaring the thong bikinis off everyone in Rio. Some may say the whole narration elements are best left for Chris Claremont’s heyday. I say fuck everyone who thinks that because Rick Remender really makes it work here, adding some emotional flare to a plot that is finally rewarding the patience of the dedicated readers who have followed this story from the beginning and squandered many bags of good weed to compensate.

What made Uncanny X-Force so awesome has finally found its way into Uncanny Avengers. This issue in many ways represents what I was originally hoping for when this series was first announced. A team of X-men and Avengers have to work together to overcome threats that neither team is equipped to handle on their own and Rick Remender throws in some of those juicy Uncanny X-Force elements to make it work. Those elements finally came out here in that not only were the events of Uncanny X-Force referenced, but the lingering discontent of the team was thoroughly explored. The secrets Wolverine kept about X-Force are finally starting to reveal themselves and it has come back to bite them all in a way that is both awesome and compelling.

While the details may finally be coming together, one glaring detail is somewhat glossed over in this issue. That detail is Kang. We’ve seen him working behind the scenes for a number of issues now, but now he’s MIA like a crack head armed with Warren Buffet’s credit card. He was mentioned, but his absence is somewhat striking given the attention to detail given to every other element of the story. I have all the faith that the Catholic Church only wish it had that Remender will reveal Kang’s role later on in the arc, but for now it is an omission that can only be ignored with the aid of potent weed.

Such a slight omission does little to take away from the overall quality of Uncanny Avengers #8. This issue has everything we were led to believe it would have from the beginning. It took eight freakin’ issues to get it, but in the same way it’s worth traveling to Mexico to get uncut blow it is worth waiting eight issues for a comic of this quality. Remender’s focus on using words to both disrupt the unity of the team and skillfully weave a tale of awesome earns this issue a 4.5 out of 5. If you didn’t have the patience to wait for an issue this awesome, then you need to up your Adderall dosage. Some comics are just worth blowing your pharmacists and fucking up your brain chemistry and this is one of them. Nuff said!

Iron Man 3: A Threequel That Doesn't Suck!

The end of a movie trilogy has always been looked upon in the same way a fly looks at a piece of cow shit. You know one is going to be drawn to the other. You can't avoid it. The best you can do is hold your nose and hope that the fumes don't incur too much brain damage. Some call it the Godfather 3 syndrome. I call it overpaid movie types spending too much money on blow and not enough on making sure the damn story actually works. I'm not against Hollywood types doing blow. Hell, TMZ would go out of business if it stopped. But there's a little something us functioning crack heads called moderation and it pays off if you're not a complete fucking retard.

That brings us to Iron Man 3, the first movie in Marvel's Phase Two segment of its movies and the last in the trilogy that kicked off Phase One. Iron Man was in many ways the movie that set the standard for Marvel movies. It didn't just turn Robert Downey Jr. from a recovering coke head to a massive superstar. It showed that comic book movies can be both awesome, profitable, and entertaining. It did for Marvel what the internet did for porn. It created an exciting new medium for awesome that soaked the panties of a generation of comic fans.

Yet it's because these movies were so good that the third sequel was in great danger of burning out. When the bar is raised so high, it's only natural that someone ends up hitting their or flat out choking to death (see X3). Even when they don't choke, threequels can be so sub-par that they can taint the whole trilogy (again, see X3). So the stakes for Iron Man 3 couldn't be higher. But I'm both happy and drunk to report that this is not the case.

That's right. It was all uphill from here.

It's true. Iron Man 3 is awesome. Yes, it is a threequel and it's awesome. Praise Odin, Galactus, and whatever crazy deity those blue cat people worshiped on Avatar. For once, Hollywood didn't fuck up a threequel. I would not have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes while semi-sober. But it's true. Iron Man 3 actually succeeded where X3, Superman 3, Spider-Man 3, and Godfather 3 failed. It's basically Marvel Studio's way of saying "Suck it, Fox!"

Let's start with the premise. Iron Man 3 took one of the most recognizable Iron Man villains, the Mandarin, and one of the best Iron Man stories from the comics, Extremis, as source material. That would be like X3 using Apocalypse and NOT fucking up the Phoenix Saga. But it's not just the source material that is rich in awesome. The events of Avengers have left an indelible mark on Tony Stark. Apparently, flying a nuclear bomb into a wormhole has a way of fucking some people up. He's basically a wreck now, suffering from the same post traumatic stress disorder that most anyone would suffer from if they went through something so fucked up. He can't sleep. He's drowning himself in work. And he's doing a shitty job of keeping his girlfriend/partner, Pepper Potts, happy. Then again, I guess when you're Gweneth Paltrow and you're the most hated, pompous celebrity in Hollywood, that's not much of a stretch.

But the world after the events of Avengers has also been fucked up. I mean what do you do when you've been invaded by aliens and gods? Well one organization seems to know what to do. You fucking profit from that shit! It's insane how realistic that sounds, but that's exactly what the Advanced Idea Mechanics, or AIM as any self-respecting Marvel fan would know, plan to do. And that's where the Mandarin comes in. He's basically Bin Ladin, Khadafi, and Kim Jong Ill with better sunglasses and a beard. He also may be one of the most racist character you'll ever come across in the comics, but he's basically this evil guy with an Asian-sounding name who wants to destroy America. Why? Because fuck America, that's why! That's what it pretty much boils down to in the comics.

Yep. Nothing raised about this.

But it's worth noting here that the movie does something unique with the Mandarin that helps soften the blow to anyone inclined to bitch about racism. I won't give it away, but I will say that it establishes a sense of theatricality in the movie. I'm not talking about M. Night Shyamalan twists here. If you're hoping for a twist that's going to blow your fucking mind, go back to hoping for Batman fans to forgive Joel Shumacher because it's not going to happen.

Throughout Iron Man 3, nothing is quite as it seems. It's hard to tell just what forces are at work at times, but unlike other movies that try to throw too many curve-balls that end up missing the plate and hitting the batter in the balls, those forces do get revealed. It helps create a bigger picture throughout the movie that actually sends a message that doesn't just involve the benefits of sending high tech robots to kill other high tech robots. It gives the sense that the world within the world is an act. People will manipulate the fears and outrage of the masses to accomplish a goal. Even when that goal is as basic as making money, the sheer breadth of it speaks to the depths of both greed and the need for control.

This is where AIM comes in. They are, in many ways, the ultimate villain of the modern era. They are not some blood-thirsty foreign army or some rogue terrorist group. It isn't enough for them to just make fancy shit that they can sell to people that are eager to blow shit up. They need to control both the supply and the demand of war. That's where Aldrich Killian and Maya Hansen come in. Aldrich is the leader of AIM and Maya is a chick Tony boned in the past who came up with Extremis, proving once again that most of the evil in the world can be traced back to ex-girlfriends. They seek to use Extremis, a bold new drug that started simply as a means of enhancing the human body and helping wounded war veterans heal, as the ultimate weapon of war. It's devious, but not unrealistic. You have to think that the guys at Fox News and the Vatican have entertained some plans like this at one point.

It all comes back to Tony Stark, but in this movie he can't just beat this threat by making a better Iron Man. In fact, for most of this movie he's either not in his Iron Man suit or he's using a suit that has been badly damaged. Early on in the movie, his instability and his arrogance get the better of him. His house blows up. His girlfriend gets abducted. Jarvis goes off line. And he's basically stuck in some random town in the middle of Tennessee (the part without Elvis impersonators) trying to piece everything together. He essentially has to rebuild himself and not just Iron Man. And that's part of what makes the story itself compelling. He's a badly wounded guy with serious anxiety issues trying t pull himself together. All the while, he's still the same lovable prick. Only a guy like Robert Downy Jr. can pull that shit off and make it so entertaining.

In the end, this battle comes to a very definitive and very satisfying conclusion. It's made clear that the suit is not the only thing that makes Iron Man who he is. Tony Stark and Iron Man are one in the same. Take away the suit and the house and he's still Iron Man. Stick him in the middle of nowhere and force him to team up with some random kid and he's still Iron Man. Take away that glowing chest plate and he's still Iron man. That's the main message of this movie and it delivers that message perfectly.

You'll never be this awesome. Ever.

That's not to say the movie is without flaws. Unlike Iron Man 2, you won't see Black Widow or Nick Fury showing up. There's no teaser either about new Marvel characters entering the movie universe. Everything is strictly Iron Man here. Even the after-credits teaser offers no insight. In addition, it can come off as a bit convoluted at times. But again, it doesn't force you to ignore the finer details like a Dark Knight Rises would.

Overall, nobody is going to put Iron Man 3 above Avengers. It's just not as epic. It can't be as epic by default. But if ever there was a template with which to effectively close out a trilogy, this would be it. This movie gets to the essence of who Iron Man is and doesn't try to do anything overly radical with it. It just takes some of the best elements that make Iron Man who he is and runs with it. For that, I give Iron Man 3 an emphatic 5 out of 4.5. It's a satisfying movie to complete a satisfying trilogy. It may not make you think Gweneth Paltrow is any less annoying, but it will make you love Robert Downy Jr. and it will make you love Iron Man. Now excuse me while I go give the finger to every other threequal that sucked. Nuff said!