Xtreme Satifaction From A Most Xtreme Era: X-men 92 #10

The following is my review of X-men 92 #10, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Every era has distinct spirit and style that defines it. Just as the Beatles define the 1960s and disco music defined the late 1970s, the edgy grit of the X-men helped define the 1990s. Along with Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and the OJ Simpson trial, the X-men embody an era where differences and extremes shoved their way into the mainstream. Mutants, being an over-arching metaphor for minorities, set the tone for this era and ran with it full-speed.

That time now seems so long ago as a new era driven by movie rights and the rival companies that fight over them takes hold. While the X-men still have a place in this era, it is nowhere near the prominence they enjoyed in the 1990s where toys, trading cards, and Pizza Hut promotions embraced all things X-men. X-men 92 doesn't come with those same promotions and it's not just because Pizza Hut has scaled back their marketing efforts. Even without those promotions, X-men 92 still carries with it that same spirit and style.

X-men 92 is series that simply cannot fit into an era where a talking raccoon with a machine gun generates the same interest as Wolverine. In another decade, it could be the gold standard for an entire franchise. Instead, it can only manage a short 10-issue series that capitalizes on the nostalgia and style of a bygone era. This doesn't give Chad Bowers and Chris Sims much to work with, but that doesn't stopped them from making every issue of X-men 92 count.

With X-men 92 #10, the limited narrative they've crafted reaches its premature conclusion. In many respects, its too premature to generate the same impact, even to those passionate X-men fans that cling desperately to the glory days of the mid-1990s. Despite these limits, Bowers and Sims still find a way to make X-men 92 #10 conclude in a way that feels epic, compelling, and dramatic to an extent that works beautifully in any era.

What begins in the Secret Wars tie-in culminates in this issue. It's not an overly elaborate plot. It doesn't have the same twists, turns, clones, retcons, and superhero civil wars that every plot after 2004 seems to mimic. That's not to say it's an overly simple plot either. It's not just the X-men fighting a killer robot. It's not just Wolverine snarling every other panel. There's a certain level of depth and drama that help heighten the emotions. For a series that draws from the fond memories of a cartoon that ended in 1997, that's quite an accomplishment.

The primary conflict, which has been building since the series began, involves a threat so big that even Apocalypse dreads it. It's the kind of extreme, over-the-top threat that emerged every other week in the '90s X-men comics. It's not too contrived either, building off the X-men's history with the Celestials. These space god robots definitely qualify as extreme and over-the-top, making them the perfect threat for this brand of X-men to face.

Beyond the threat, Bowers and Sims do what they can to resolve the outstanding plots that unfolded throughout the series. Given the tragically limited breadth of this series, this isn't too difficult. They resolve the side-plot with Cyclops and Jean Grey. They build off what they established with Dead Girl during the first major arc of the series. They take the time and effort to incorporate every one of these elements into the final resolution. That kind of impact reflects a genuine effort that isn't always obvious in a comic, be it a limited mini-series or a full-blown crossover event.

X-men fans from both the '90s and every other era will appreciate such efforts. They make for beautiful moments, some of which could easily fit right into the famous '90s cartoon. Moments like Cyclops and Jean Grey confronting Cable or Gambit finally sharing a moment with Rogue will warm the hearts of anyone who made watching that cartoon part of their Saturday morning. It's presented in a way that even those who never watched that cartoon can appreciate.

As nice as these moments are, they still only deliver a fraction of the dramatic weight that X-men 92 #10 delivers. Bowers and Sims really swing for the fences in resolving the Celestial conflict, taking Charles Xavier's dream and raising the stakes to a level that can only ever work in the final issue of a series. It goes beyond merely fostering peace between humans and mutants. More than anything else, it reveals the most important tenant of this dream and why it sets the X-men apart from their enemies, human and mutant alike.

For men like Charles Xavier, peace and understanding cannot be forced. It cannot be coerced, imposed, or telepathically forged. It has to be chosen and embraced. This is something that the Magnetoes, the Apocalypses, and the Sinisters of the world refuse to acknowledge. They don't trust ordinary humans to choose such a path. Charles Xavier has faith in humanity that they will make this choice when given a chance. That faith is ultimately rewarded in X-men 92 #10.

This reward still comes at a price, but one that is both fitting and satisfying. Bowers and Sims set it up in a way that feels right. It gives the impression that this is how Charles Xavier's dream must be realized. This is how that dream takes form and substance in the context of the X-men's overall narrative. It doesn't need to be tragic, but it doesn't need to be as fanciful as a Disney movie either. At a time when it's easy to be extremely cynical about human nature, the culmination in X-men 92 #10 offers a wonderfully refreshing perspective.

Even with a series that had so little time to grow and ends so abruptly, X-men 92 #10 manages to accomplish so much in such a short span of time. Given the scope and scale of the narrative, it's impossible to resolve every element without making a triple-sized issue, complete with bonus pages. Chad Bowers and Chris Sims still succeed in completing the X-men's narrative. Whether it's a cartoon from the mid-90s or a limited comic book series from 2016, it's still extremely satisfying. For X-men fans of all eras, especially the extremes of the '90s, it's astonishingly fitting.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

X-men 92 #7: Nuff Said!

Think of your favorite combinations. Chocolate and peanut butter. Bacon and eggs. Internet and porn. What makes them so potent? What makes them so awesome? We can't always quantify it, but we know damn sure that it's there. I feel the same way about X-men in space.

I get that their primary goal is to fight for peace and understanding against a bunch of human asshats who like throwing killer robots at them, but there's just something uniquely appealing about the X-men in space fighting aliens like the Brood. Since that's exactly what X-men 92 #7 offers, on top of teaming up with interstellar pop stars no less, I'm giddier than a school girl in a puppy farm. So if I sound like I'm high on crystal meth, that's only partially true at best.

A few folks are going to need some crystal meth because Lila Cheney's concert is dangerously close to becoming another Woodstock 99. Kids, if you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, Google it and then shoot me because now I feel old. Thanks to that asshat, Fabian Cortez, she and the X-men got teleported across the fucking universe, leaving a fuckton of angry concert-goers back in Westchester. In the grand scheme of things, that's almost as dangerous as a Sentinel attack.

Thankfully, the X-men have backup and those running this concert are slightly more competent than the dumb-asses who ran Woodstock 99. They manage to get X-Factor, a team that includes Havok, Polaris, and a whole lot of other characters who haven't been relevant for a decade, to show up and keep the peace. It's probably not as effective as killer robots, but definitely more preferable.

As for Lila and the X-men, they are cosmically fucked and for once it's not because of the Phoenix Force. They're stuck on a planet far, far away. There are no Gungans or Ewoks so that's something. Unfortunately, Lila is so burned out that she can't teleport them back to Earth and for once, it's not because her band ran out of cocaine. It's a bad situation, but at least they know who to be pissed at.

They all seem to recognize that Fabian Cortez is an omega-level asshole. Even Death's Head, the guy who tried to kill Lila in the last issue, isn't inclined to make this shit storm worse because that would just help Cortez. So all in all, they're pretty fucked, but they're X-men. They're used to it. At least they're not sterilized or cloned or some shit like that.

That still doesn't mean they can't get more fucked over. They're X-men. They always find a way. It's kind of their thing and at least this time, the way doesn't involve a team of racist, xenophobic slave-owners. It involves their old blood-thirsty buddies, the Brood. On top of that, they're a new breed of Brood that seems to have more ways of maiming their enemies. I guess when you're a race of alien bugs, you can never have too many. It's still a classic threat that forces the X-men to be awesome. Again, nobody gets sterilized or time-displaced. I feel that's an accomplishment worth emphasizing these days.

Back on Earth, more backup arrives for X-Factor. When you're dealing with a crowd of pissed off, restless, half-sober concert-goers, you can never have too much. This time, it's Professor Xavier and Jubilee, who were lucky enough to be sitting in the cheap seats when Cortez and Death's Head attacked. They don't just offer another way of dealing with pissed off concert-goers. They also inform them about the kind of asshat they're dealing with here.

Those of you who didn't see the X-men cartoon, and shame the fuck on you if you haven't, may recall that Cortez did show up for a couple episodes. Xavier even offers a brief reminder of the shit he pulled. It's pretty damn important and establishes a solid connection between this series and that iconic cartoon. At a time when the only connections the X-men can make involve time travelers, that's a big fucking deal. For this series, it's just an extra layer of icing on a series that already has plenty.

So they know Cortez is behind this. They also know that he's an omega-level asshole who will choke a puppy if he gets too bored. So where the fuck is he now? Well, he was working with a secret team of Hellfire Club wannabes, including Gamemaster and Trevor Fitzroy, to fuck with the X-men. They've even had some minor success with Alpha Red. So he returns thinking he may get a fresh batch of puppies to strangle.

Well, he's in for a big fucking disappointment, albeit in the best possible way. It turns out, someone found out about his little club and they're familiar figures. If you read the Secret Wars tie-in to X-men 92, and shame the fuck on you again if you haven't, you'll know who they are. They were kind of assholes in that series. Here, they completely redeem themselves by mortally wounding Fitzroy. Hell, that alone makes them more heroic than 99 percent of the characters in Civil War II.

We get connections with the old X-men cartoon. We get connections with the Secret War tie-in. With all these connections, my erection can only get so hard. Well, I may have to take a trip to the ER in 4 hours because Chad Bowers and Chris Sims still aren't done with the connections. They decide my erection can get harder and throw in a new complication into the mix. That complication's name is Adam X.

Who the fuck is Adam X? If you read X-men comics at all in the 90s, you know this name and celebrate it the same way you do every Nirvana song. He and a few familiar mutant buddies, none of which are as extreme as him, decide that government stooges aren't enough to deal with this shit. They need some 90s-era overkill. I can't remember the last time I agreed more outside of a strip club.

As this overtly extreme shit storm is unfolding, the rest of the X-men are keeping things basic with their clash against the Brood. Some forms of awesome just don't need to be extreme. Even in the 90s, the X-men comics understood that. The X-men fighting to Brood is just a nice change of pace from fighting killer robots, time travelers, or racist xenophobic slave-owners. It's fun. It's flashy. It captures all the right elements that are awesome in any era. At a time when heroes can't stop fighting each other for bullshit reasons, this is more refreshing than a cold beer at a baseball game in July. In that sense, I guess my erection can get harder.

It's all so basic, helping to balance out the extreme shit we're getting back on Earth. It could've easily just devolved into another case of the X-men kicking alien ass and getting horny as fuck in the process. Well, Chad Bowers and Chris Sims find a way to throw a little twist into the mix. It's a twist that may strain my erection even more, but at this point I can't say I mind.

It turns out, these Brood they've been fighting aren't the same Brood they're used to. They're actually mutant Brood. That's right. In this world, mutants extend to aliens as well whereas mutants in the mainline comics are being sterilized or retconned. It's the kind of twist that makes Disney's lawyer's cry and it feels so good. These mutant Brood just had the misfortune of meeting Wolverine on a shitty day. That's what triggered the fight. Honestly, it's as simple a misunderstanding as you can get in any X-men comic.

Now, instead of wanting to maim each other, they decide to team up. It turns out, mutant Brood inspire just as much hate as mutant humans. That means mutants and Brood are prepared to work together. That means the Avengers and Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners have even fewer excuses.

So now the X-men have new friends in the form of mutant Brood. It sounds like a fucked up concept, but damn it if it doesn't work in an extreme sort of way, as the 90s often were. It's a concept that's going to have to work because guess who's hunting these mutant Brood in ways that would make a Sentinel jealous? It's another familiar face to the X-men and not in a good way. It's Gladiator of the Shi'ar. Rarely does he ever show up in a manner that doesn't warrant a firm punch in the jaw. The prospect of the X-men beating the shit out of Gladiator again is enough to make my dick an adamantium-laced weapon at this point. For that, I thank you Chad Bowers and Chris Sims.

So...is it awesome?

Space adventures, rock concerts, overly extreme characters from a decade that made extreme sports a thing? One of those alone is pretty fucking awesome by any objective measure. Put them all together, throw in a few twists, and you've got yourself an orgy of awesome with two strippers covered in bacon crease in the middle. It's as awesome as it sounds, even if it makes me damn hungry.

X-men 92 is only has three issues left before Marvel prematurely cancels it, as they tend to do with all things that are simply too awesome and/or don't promote the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. X-men 92 #7 makes every goddamn moment count and it does so without sterilizing anyone. The bar for awesome with the X-men these days may be pretty low, but Chad Bowers and Chris Sims are exceeding it anyways by miles on end. They don't need to fuck up the X-men, kill major characters, or piss on established relationships. They just focus on making shit awesome in every possible way. For that, I owe these guys a few beers. We all do.

Final Score: 10 out of 10

X-men 92 #6: Nuff Said!

Being an X-men fan sucks these days. Being without the internet sucks even more. So those X-men fans from the 90s, also known as the golden era of X-men, are fucked either way. We just can't win. Thanks to shitty movie rights deals, we're stuck in a state where the best the X-men have to offer is being butt-fucked by an Inhuman-tipped dick and it'll stay that way until Fox's lawyers get too drunk or something.

In the meantime, we still have X-men 92 to remind us that it didn't always suck this bad. X-men 92 has characters that are alive. It has little to no time-displaced X-men. It also has lovable, less whiny versions of the characters we know and love. Chad Bowers and Chris Sims taught us to love Cyclops and Jean Grey again in X-men 92 #5. Now, they're here to help us love other awesome shit from the 90s in X-men 92 #6. On top of that, we don't have to enjoy it with a shitty 56k modem. It really is the best of both worlds.

No matter what world you're in, it can only be a bit safer and a bit more awesome with Abigail Brand watching over it with SWORD. Turns out, she exists in the X-men 92 world. She even dresses like an extra in an old Janet Jackson video for good measure. In any decade, that should make anyone feel safer and hornier.

It also turns out that regardless of the decade or era, Abigail Brand is still Abigail Brand. That means she's still a hardcore, ball-busting bitch who will shoot someone in the dick if it protects Earth against alien threats. As it just so happens, an alien ship comes flying through, thinking it's a good idea to visit Earth without getting Abigail Brand's permission first. Don't know if that alien has a dick, but he/she/it will probably not keep it intact for much longer.

The destination of that alien ship? Where the fuck else? It's heading to Westchester and as it just so happens, it's in the middle of a concert called Lilapalooza. It sounds so 90s that it couldn't be more 90s without a mullet and parachute pants. The concert, in this case, is intended to be a human/mutant peace concert. Given how Woodstock 99 turned out, the X-men are taking a chance. They're also the ones providing security so anyone who thinks it's a good idea to set fire to a stage has to deal with Wolverine and Bishop. You literally can't get better concert security than that without hiring the Hells Angels on crack.

It's a fun, festive scene. Lila Cheney is an intergalactic pop star who comes from an era where the name Cheney doesn't immediately conjure images of waterboarding, pre-emptive wars, or Sith Lord level evil. She's singing songs that aren't about breaking shit and ex-boyfriends. The X-men aren't just keeping peoples' asses in line. They're enjoying the show while busting up wannabe groupies from sneaking backstage. Storm is even friends with Lila, making for nice moments that don't involve her blaming Cyclops for all the terrible shit in the world. Beats the shit out of getting sterilized and shot at by killer robots.

These are good times at a fucking rock concert where people aren't busy tweeting about it 85 percent of the time. That begs the question. Where the fuck is Jubilee? This is the kind of stuff that gives teenage girl's orgasmic-induced seizures in the 90s. Well, she's still kind of grounded and this is an era where that didn't just mean taking away your cell phone for a few days.

It turns out Xavier didn't appreciate her breaking curfew to go on a date with Chamber and getting turned into a fucking vampire as a result. Also, she kind of tried to eat her fellow students so that's kind of hard to overlook. Considering she just gets grounded, I'd say that's as reasonable as Charles Xavier can be in an era where changing the wifi password is considered child abuse. It also ensures she misses the concert so she's understandably pissed, but has no one to blame but herself. This will teach her to go out and enjoy being a teenager in an era before dick pics and Tinder!

Everything seems to be going well at the concert. Nobody is starting any fires. Nobody is getting their skull crushed in a mosh pit. Wolverine and Bishop even find time to talk about the future somewhat. Then again, nobody is sterilized by giant fart clouds from racist xenophobic slave-owners in Bishop's future so how apocalyptic can it really be at this point? Either way, this present is far more hopeful and uplifting.

It only starts to go to shit when that alien ship from earlier arrives. Considering that Woodstock 99 ended with fires, riots, and overpriced burritos, I'd say this is still more successful. The concert-goers probably just think this is part of the show or are too damn high from that crack they smoked. Remember, this is the 90s. Everyone still believes weed is evil and crack is cheaper.

At first, Lily tries to convince the audience that it's part of the show and/or a side-effect of crack. She's actually scared shitless because it turns out that, despite being an intergalactic pop star, there are still a few bounty hunters who want to kill her. If this is what happens to pop stars with too much power, then I worry for Taylor Swift's safety.

The bounty hunter in question is Death's Head, a villain that has so many over-the-top 90s features that he might as well have come out of an over-budget Michael Jackson music video. Sure, he looks like Darth Vader fucked a Transformer, but he's here to attack a cute pop star trying to foster peace at a rock concert. Evil like that just cannot stand.

The X-men, acting as security, are immediately inclined to kick Death's Head's ass. They have Wolverine, Bishop, and Rogue to throw at this guy. Pretty sure the staff at Woodstock 99 had pepper spray, night sticks, and used condoms. This is a much fairer fight is what I'm saying and this time, nobody can blame the destruction on shitty Limp Bizkit songs.

Unfortunately, the fight that unfolds doesn't last very long. Rogue gets in a few shots. Wolverine and Bishop get pissed off while concert-goers flee in terror and not because water costs 10 bucks. That's about it though. The fighting gets cut off because Abigail Brand shows up. While it's usually disappointing when an awesome battle gets cut off, Abigail Brand showing up often gives a damn good excuse so I can't be too disappointed.

Brand's presence in this fight means it's probably going to be over in time for an encore. That's when we get an unexpected complications thrown into the mix. It turns out, the X-men didn't do quite as good a job at keeping wannabe groupies/roadies out. One manages to slip through and he happens to be Fabian Cortez. Why is this a big fucking deal? He's one of the assholes who made up the wannbe Inner Circle that unleashed Alpha Red on the X-men a few issues back. Now, he's there to fuck with the X-men in an entirely different way.

This involves him using his powers to overload Lila Cheney's teleportation powers, which causes her to transport the X-men far and away from the cheering crowds who probably paid way too much for their tickets. Why would he do something like that? He's an asshole who probably got kicked out of a Guns n' Roses concert. Then again, does he really need a reason? He already helped unleash a fucking vampire against the X-men. Now, he's fucking with them in a whole new way. As long as it doesn't involve vampires, it shows he's making a genuine effort.

Turns out Cortez actually does have more imagination than a Power Rangers villain. The X-men, Lila, Brand, and Death's Head end up teleporting way the fuck away from Earth. They're not on Earth anymore. Cortez put Lila's powers into overdrive and like a crack head in withdraw, she's in no condition to take them back. At the very least, they're away from innocent concert-goers. That means Abigail Brand can kick Death Head's ass so he can't fuck their day up any more than it already is. I'd say it's a battle that's overly rushed, but it's Abigail Brand versus an ugly ass alien. I'm shocked it lasted as long as it did.

That takes care of one alien asshole. There's just one much bigger problem. This planet that Cortez sent them too has something that's way worse than some alien bounty hunter who tries way too fucking hard to be more awesome than Boba Fett. It's actually a planet overrun by the Brood. That's right. The horrific, flesh-eating aliens from the 90s who aren't from Independence Day are back and they've got a fresh plate of X-men to devour. It's a really shitty situation, but I argue it still beats being stuck on a planet where mutants are sterilized and racist xenophobic slave-owners are considered superheroes.

So...is it awesome?

Abigail Brand shows up and kicks ass. The X-men go to a rock concert that doesn't involve 95 percent of the audience holding their phones up and recording shitty-quality video. Aliens show up and start blowing shit up. If you can't find entertainment value in at least one of those things, then adjust your meds or get to a fucking emergency room because you're half-way towards a coma.

It's fun. It's entertaining. It has awesome, endearing characters. It's actually fun to read like a comic book should be. These days, comics that don't have Squirrel Girl or Kamala Khan are just a round of bad makeup away from going all emo goth. X-men comics, especially, have become thinly veiled Prozac commercials so X-men 92 #6 is so refreshing in that it reminds us of a time when comics were actually fun. What a fucking concept, right?

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Updating An Iconic Romance: X-men 92 #5

The following is my review of X-men 92 #5, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There's something to be said about the state of romance in the Marvel Universe when Deadpool's marriage to Shiklah, a shape-shifting succubus, is the most stable relationship. Gone are the iconic love stories of Reed/Sue, Spider-Man/Mary Jane, and Bruce Banner/Betty Ross. In its place are shallow to mid-level romances/flings involving Carlie Cooper, Emma Frost, Namor, and whoever Tony Stark is dating. That's not to say that these characters can't foster meaningful relationships. It's just that they're a long ways from being iconic.

One relationship that tends to get deconstructed more than most is that of Cyclops and Jean Grey. Even in a franchise where Wolverine and Deadpool draw the most attention and/or gratuitous violence, these two are still the X-men's premier romance. They go back to the earliest days of the Stan Lee/Jack Kirby era. Theirs is a romance that survived life, death, resurrection, and clones. Very few relationships not involving Peter Parker can make such a claim.

Despite the strength of this relationship, it is often the first iconic romance that Marvel attempts to undermine. If it's not Chris Claremont trying to hook Jean Grey up with Wolverine or Grant Morrison trying to hook Cyclops up with Emma Frost, there's some other conflict that is forced between these two to drive them apart. It may succeed in the short-term, but much like the Phoenix that solidified this couple's iconic status, Cyclops and Jean Grey find each other in the long-run. With a love story that spans over 50 years of comics, Deadpool and Shiklah have a lot of catching up to do.

It's for that reason that X-men 92 #5 offers such an important insight. Chad Bowers and Chris Sims, unburdened by the contrivances of Chris Claremont and Grant Morrison, have a chance to explore this iconic couple in ways that aren't possible due to cosmic forces, death, and time-displacement. Their efforts result in a concise, unique narrative that feels exceedingly modern for a romance that began in the pre-hippie portion of the 1960s.

The setup itself isn't exactly new for Cyclops and Jean Grey. The two are sharing a quiet, romantic moment in a secluded cabin. That moment includes some references to recent events in X-men 92, namely Cyclops' decision to leave the X-men and build a life that doesn't involve clashing with Wolverine every five minutes. He still misses his old life, as does Jean. Then, they decide to snuggle up for a little overly-subtle loving, only to wake up in the distant future.

It may sound like the kind of random shift usually reserved for Deadpool comics, but it's perfectly reflective of the era and context of X-men 92. During this era, Cyclops and Jean Grey do actually travel to the future just like this, which ends up being an instrumental story in the history of Cable. This story is similar, but has a few badly-needed updates that make it feel right at home in 2016.

Bowers and Sims actually do something in this story that feels appropriate now, but would've been a revolutionary concept back in the early '90s. They make the Cyclops/Jean relationship one of true equals. At no point in the story does Jean Grey need rescuing. At no point in the story does Cyclops rely on Jean for his character development. Nobody even faints in this story, which is a radical departure from the old X-men cartoon, where Jean seemed to faint at least once an episode.

This is a remarkable, if not overdue shift for this relationship. Unlike other superhero romances that involve one super-powered man and one ordinary woman, Cyclops and Jean Grey are equals on paper, but are rarely allowed to be equals in practice. They may each have powers, but there are too many stories where Jean Grey needs rescuing or Cyclops can only show depth if his lover is in trouble. X-men 92 #5 finally makes use of that equality. Overdue or not, it realizes the potential of the Cyclops/Jean relationship that has always been there, but is rarely explored.

They end up needing that potential. The story that takes them to the future requires that neither of them faint. They deal with Sinister, evil clones, robot Deadpools, and dinosaurs armed with optic blasts. It's as quirky and fun as it sounds. Every step of the way, Cyclops and Jean Grey support each other. They don't argue, berate, or complain. They make each other stronger and, at one point, cheer each other on. It's a case study in how a healthy relationship functions, with or without superpowers.

Beyond the functional relationship dynamics, Bowers and Sims also inject some emotion and sentiment into the story. Following the same mold of Cable's original origin story, Cyclops and Jean share a few moments with a young and un-grizzled Cable. They also learn that this conflict links into some of the other conflicts that have been unfolding in X-men 92 since Secret Wars so those larger connections are there as well.

The only issue that keeps all these connections and emotions from really having an impact is the limited length of the story. While this story is fairly concise, it comes off as one of those stories that needs to have multiple parts. It never feels overly rushed, but it never gets a chance to add more details to the story. Bowers and Sims still make the most of every moment and they do it without anybody fainting.

X-men 92 #5 isn't just a reminder that Cyclops and Jean Grey are one of Marvel's most storied romances. It highlights the traits of how a true superhero romance can function. It doesn't always have to involve someone rescuing someone. It doesn't have to involve the never-ending will-they-or-won't-they-hook-up dynamic that is the basis of one too many sitcoms. It doesn't have to involve overly contrived love triangles either, which Bryan Singer and Brett Ratner overdid to an egregious extent in the X-men movies. It is actually possible for two characters to be together, support each other, and be functional heroes.

It's one of those things that shouldn't be such a novel concept. However, when compared to the current state of romance in the Marvel universe, it's a breath of fresh air. It's strange that this kind of freshness comes from a series inspired by a '90s cartoon. Then again, at a time when half the X-men are time-displaced and Captain America is in league with Hydra, X-men 92 #5 is a badly needed reprieve.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

X-men 92 #5: Nuff Said!

Remember the days when Marvel had all these iconic romances that gave generations of fans all kinds of feels? That's not a rhetorical question. I really want to know if anyone actually remembers that time and not just because I went to one too many raves in the late 90s. It's true though. There was a time when Marvel did celebrate its iconic romances instead of letting Mephisto fuck them up. Now, Deadpool, who is married to a fucking Succubus, has the most stable marriage in the Marvel universe. Let THAT sink in for a minute.

It's true. There was actually a time when Cyclops and Jean Grey stood as one of Marvel's bedrock romances. It was right up there with Reed/Sue and Spider-Man/Mary Jane, two romances that also got shafted coincidentally. The 90s were a great time for this romance. Then, Bryan Singer and Brett Ratner decided Jean Grey has to be Wolverine's ultimate fuck toy and tried to build movies around that premise. It's a decision that taints just how awesome Cyclops and Jean Grey are as a couple. X-men 92 #5 offers a very overdue reminder of that era. It's an era that, in addition to better party drugs, I miss dearly. That's why I intend to be extra sentimental in this review.

There's definitely plenty of sentiment and the sexy kind no less. Remember, this is a world where Jean Grey didn't die, Cyclops never married a clone, and Emma Frost never mind-fucked anybody. It's a world where Cyclops and Jean Grey are just two people in love, trying to find peace in a world that can't resist the urge to throw killer robots at them. They seem to have found it in a nice, secluded cabin in Alaska, in front of a roaring fireplace. It's the perfect setting for an epic romance, a porno, or both.

There's more than just sentiment though. There's also the inescapable void of not being X-men anymore. Cyclops and Jean Grey left after the Secret Wars tie-in, entrusting Storm to lead the team. That gives them much more time for love and sexy fun, but Jean may not be ready to end her superhero days. She probably wants to do more than just faint at least once in every fight. Cyclops, not being a douche that went evil in this world, is willing to support her because that's what guys do for their women. They don't make deals with Mephisto. They show love and support. Take notes, Peter Parker!

So with all this love and support, the future seems bright. Then, Cyclops and Jean Grey go to sleep and the future kicks them in the ass. By that, I mean they wake up in the year 3992. I know. Even my ass is sore after that.

They're greeted by a semi-familiar face in Rachel Grey, who is the Phoenix in this time. Granted, she's a weak and old Phoenix, but still way more boneable every Inhuman not named Kamala Khan. She still has enough power to use the Phoenix Force to bring Cyclops and Jean Grey into the future, uniform and all. I guess she realizes that they can't save the future while wearing ugly ass Christmas sweaters.

Now it's not quite clear if this version of Rachel is their future daughter. They don't make that abundantly clear early on, but Jean Grey trusts her and that's good enough for Cyclops, who isn't all that fond of anything related to the Phoenix. In his defense, it did nearly kill his girlfriend so who can blame him?

After Jean establishes some trust, they learn that their future is more fucked than they hoped. Turns out Apocalypse, who showed up at the end of the Secret Wars tie-in, took a giant apocalyptic shit on the world, as he tends to do in most X-men related worlds. Half the world died. The rest are basically Apocalypse's bitches. So no, it's not a very pleasant future. I'd still rather live there than one with the fucking Inhumans.

They meet Clan Asakani, who are all too eager to accept help from two X-men. Apparently, Rachel used the Phoenix Force to get help against overwhelming odds. She got Cyclops and Jean Grey as a result. Can't say I disagree with its choice. While Cyclops is somewhat reluctant to take part in another Apocalypse shit storm after having retired, Jean Grey convinces him to join this fight and help Rachel. She doesn't even need to flash him her tits. That's the extent of their love in this world. It's a beautiful thing.

So they set off into the Savage Land towards the Sinister Citadel where Apocalypse's alpha bitch, Mr. Sinister, resides. It leads to a nice little montage of Cyclops and Jean Grey navigating the rigors of this apocalypitc shit storm, complete with T-rexes armed with Cyclops blasts and robot Deadpools. Together, with the aid of Rachel and Blaquesmith, they kick more ass than they've kicked together in over a decade. Again, it's a beautiful thing. Both the 90s kid and the jaded 2016 adult in me can't help but smile.

As nice as the montage is, it's still somewhat rushed. I honestly wanted to see more of Cyclops fighting an army of robot Deadpools. Who the fuck wouldn't? We live in an era where Cyclops dies off-panel and the only Jean Grey we can get is time-displaced. It's still way better than nothing, but I was a greedy little brat in the 90s and that greedy little brat wants more.

Even without a more detailed montage, we get some nice moments in between. Blaquesmith reveals that Rachel Grey is running out of strength and they're running out of time. Once her strength gives out, they'll be sent back to the past. It's basically a much simpler setup than any of the shit storms Beast created in the mainline comics.

That adds even more urgency to the battle at hand. They reach Sinister's Citadel and what do they find? An army of failed Cyclops/Jean clones waiting to kill them. Admit it. You're not surprised in the slightest. Sure, they're failed clones and they're ugly as fuck. They're still more likable than every Inhuman not named Kamala Khan. It makes for another fun fight that's a bit more detailed.

On top of that, Jean Grey never faints. Yes, fans of the old show. She never faints or yells, "Scott!" I'll give X-men fans everywhere a moment to let that sink in for all the right reasons.

They finally reach Sinister. That's when they learn a very unpleasant truth. Turns out, Rachel was working with Sinister the whole time. However, she did it for very non-Sinister reasons. Hell, even Sinister did it for non-Sinister reasons. What do I mean by that? Well, it turns out he doesn't like being Apocalypse's alpha bitch. So he comes up with a plan to kick Apocalypse's ass and he can't complete that plan without Cyclops and Jean Grey. Since Rachel and pretty much everyone else on the planet left alive by Apocalypse's shit storm agrees, she helps him. Even Cyclops can't blame her for that shit.

The result of that help? Well, it actually answers one of the burning questions that the cartoon never got around to answering. It reveals the origin of Cable. In this world, he's not the son of Cyclops and a Jean Grey clone. He's the son of Cyclops and the real Jean Grey. That's a big fucking upgrade by any measure. It also means Jean Grey gets to meet her son, minus the birthing pains. Talk to any woman whoever gave birth and find out just how big a deal that is.

Despite the hostility between Cyclops and Sinister, they still take a moment to welcome their son and future badass, Apocalypse-killing mutant messiah into the world. It's a nice moment that actually creates connections that the old cartoon never got around to making, probably due to budget cuts or Fox executives who think a plot like this doesn't glorify Wolverine enough. That alone makes this issue special.

So the plan is complete. Rachel helps Sinister create the ultimate weapon against Apocalypse. So now what? Do they shake hands, call a truce, and help Cyclops and Jean Grey make less ugly sweaters? Fuck no. Rachel uses what's left of the Phoenix Force to burn Sinister to a crisp. Can anyone honestly say they wouldn't do the same thing? Especially after all the shit he did to her parents?

Yeah, that is finally confirmed for the most part. Rachel is the future daughter of Cyclops and Jean Grey. No cloning or genetic experiments necessary. Just good old fashioned lovemaking and birthing pains. They don't get a chance to really have any family time though. That's kind of unavoidable because to kill Sinister, Rachel uses what's left of the Phoenix Force, which had been keeping Cyclops and Jean Grey in the future. So once she uses that up, they fade. It makes for a sad moment where young Cable doesn't get to know his parents very well. It's tragic, but if Disney movies have taught us anything, it's that losing parents is the first step towards being a total badass.

For Cyclops and Jean Grey, their time in this future is over. However, the Phoenix must have been off its game because they don't end up back in their cozy little cabin. They end up in some other fucked up time, facing an entirely different group of mutants claiming to be the X-men. Is it a desirable destination? No. Is it better than ending up in those ugly ass sweaters again? Yeah, I'd say so.

Keep in mind, Cyclops and Jean Grey made it through this without any fainting or love triangles. Chad Bowers and Chris Sims accomplished something that even Bryan Singer couldn't accomplish without a fuckton of money from Fox. That alone is a testament to what this comic accomplishes.

So...is it awesome?

Aside from ugly Christmas sweaters, X-men 92 #5 contains the kind of awesome that I thought died on December 31st, 1999. It has everything the mainline comics lack in terms of characterization and romance. There's action, there's romance, and there's family. Sure, there's time travel as well, but it's the kind of time travel that lacks Marty McFly style incest or Beast-level douche-baggery. Hell, I'll French kiss Blaquesmith while sober before I accept any time travel bullshit from Beast.

More than anything else, X-men 92 #5 shows Cyclops and Jean Grey fighting together as equals. They never have to save each other. Nobody faints. Jean never yells "SCOTT! and Cyclops never yells "JEAN!" It actually improves on the X-men 90s cartoon, which for X-men fans is like making Emma Frost's tits bigger. There's a lot to love here. There's romance, drama, and Cyclops punching Deadpool in the jaw. It's the kind of awesome that works in 1992, 2016, and every year in between. So in overall terms of Chad Bowers and Chris Sims' efforts to make Cyclops and Jean Grey awesome again, the results truly speak for themselves. I officially owe these guys a beer, a joint, and whatever the fuck my dealer can get me.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

X-men 92 #4: Nuff Said!

In a perfect world, X-men 92 would be the top-selling Marvel comic and Inhumans comics would barley qualify as toilet paper in a third world country. Sadly, we don't live in a perfect world. Good things happen to shitty comics and shitty things happen to great comics. By every measure of my drunken X-men fandom, X-men 92 is flawless. It has the spirit and heart that the X-men hasn't had since the Clinton Administration, long before the world became consumed with clouds of Inhuman farts. So it's sad to see it not getting the respect and love it deserves.

That still won't stop me from enjoying X-men 92 while it lasts, which might not be for very long given how Marvel instinctively spits on any comic that doesn't give a blowjob to their in-house movie franchises. Just ask the Fantastic Four. X-men 92 has been crafting an enjoyable story about a new threat to the X-men involving vampires, a renewed Inner Circle, and no sterilization plots. Seriously, what's not to like? X-men 92 #4 hopes to add to this list. At a time when even Oscar Isaac's sex appeal can't save the X-men, it can't be long enough.

Storm had to have known that her first stint as leader of the X-men was going to ball-bustingly frustrating, but fighting mutant vampires and the anti-Edward Cullen that leads them? Pretty sure she's earned herself to the right to kick Cyclops in the balls for leaving the team when he did. I think even Jean would give her a pass.

Alpha Red has turned the X-men and most of their student body into vampires. Some of Alpha Red's hidden buddies have infected Cerebro for good measure and Beast now has to rely on Dead Girl, a D-list mutant who would never get a chance to shine without being retconned into an Inhuman, to save the day. This, my friends, is the standard that X-men 92 sets. No sterilization or extinction plots needed. It shouldn't be this refreshing. It really shouldn't.

The battle unfolds. It's not the kind of battle that gets past the censors on a 90s-era Saturday morning cartoon where selling toys takes priority over awesome at times. It's just X-men versus vampires. It's as awesome as it sounds on paper and then some. It's also a chance for Storm to show that she can do more than make mother nature look sexy as hell.

The battle itself isn't all that elaborate, but it doesn't have to be. It already has a number of complications, Wolverine being the uncontrollable asshat being one of them. Alpha Red finds out the hard way that turning Wolverine into a meat puppet tends to end poorly for those that value their limbs. Storm also shows she can be every bit as tactical as Cyclops, using U-go Girl to teleport most of the vamperized mutants to the Danger Room, where she puts them in the middle of a Blade movie. It's a tactic I'm sure Cyclops would approve of. Jean Grey might even be inclined to kiss Storm. I don't even think Cyclops would mind. His penis sure as hell won't.

This brief, but tactically refined battle gives Dead Girl a chance to do her part. She's expected to win the other side of the battle within Cerebro. No pressure for a girl who is barely old enough for her junior prom. Then again, I'm a guy who ditched his prom to play Mario Kart so what do I know? She enters Cerebro to encounter the program that hacked the Institute, which is called Darkhold. It sounds like a badass masturbation technique, but it's really just a corrupt program with a strange bit of charm. In other words, it's basically Ryan Secrest.

The visuals here are twisted, but fitting. X-men 92 doesn't shy away from its 90s-roots. That means embracing the pixilated, dial-up era quirks of the time. Sure, kids today may think anything without a hashtag isn't worth their attention. I say fuck those kids and their hashtags. This gives a lesser known mutant a chance to explore a fucked up computer reality that isn't a total Matrix rip-off.

Dead Girl is in over her head in a hilariously disturbing way. She also has to work with a sense of urgency because that army of mutant vampires aren't as eager give up their immortal lives as you might think. A vampire version of Rogue and Gambit manage to break into Cerebro and fuck things up a bit. Instead of debating on who gets to star in their own HBO show, they debate on who to eat. Chamber decides to shine for the first time in nearly two decades and takes them down. It's a satisfying moment, not to mention a much better love story than Twilight or the last season of True Blood.

The rest of the battle is getting chaotic and even a little confusing, but not enough to make the boner in my pants go away. Jubilee, who was the first one to get turned, starts to burn out like Vanilla Ice. Wolverine is still resisting the urge to be a meat puppet. Psylocke and Bishop revert back to their X-Force methods to battle the rest of the mutant vampires. There's a lot going on and there's only so much an unsober mind can keep up with.

However, it's still Alpha Red leading the charge. This is his shit storm. He kicked it up and his old man, Dracula, is trying to clean up the mess. So there are some old-school Shakespearean, I-need-to-one-up-my-father-to-compensate-for-my-penis type themes. It's not going to put Chad Bowers and Chris Sims on par with the old Bard, but it does add some personal elements to what is otherwise a mutants vs. vampires brawl.

This brawl starts going against the non-bloodsucking crowd and Alpha Red's daddy issues start to overwhelm Dracula. The only one who can tip the balance at this point is Dead Girl. Yes, the fate of the X-men and the mutant race rests on Dead Girl, a character most know so little about, they probably mistake her Linsey Lohan's career. It's enough to make your asshole clench just enough to worry, but it's also kind of refreshing that a D-list character like this is getting a chance to kick ass in a way no mutant could ever manage in the modern, Inhuman-dominated world that Marvel's legal team favors.

It's here where X-men 92 gains some complexities that probably wouldn't have meshed well with the non-stoner Saturday morning cartoon lovers of the 90s. Dead Girl that the Darkhold can use Cerebro to unleash a wave of energy that will destroy all vampires and save the X-men. It all sounds like a great deal, but Beast, once again showing that he can be a douche in any universe, urges caution. He rightfully points out that this sort of thing might come with a few side-effects and not just the kind that require a trip to the ER after 4 hours. I normally don't agree with Beast and this is no exception, but I do concede that the man has a point. It's just not a point that warrants being a total douche.

It makes for a powerful moment with Dead Girl, who has to wrestle with Beast urging her to hestsitate and Storm urging her to save the X-men. It's as if Beast is channeling Marvel and Disney's legal team. It's a moment where a young mutant has to make a fateful and difficult decision. It's the kind of moment where the X-men are at their best. And, in a beautifully appropriate moment that is ripped off from House of M in the best possible way, Dead Girl makes her choice. She agrees to let the Darkhold unleash the energy that'll purge the X-men 92 universe of all non-sparkling vampires. It effectively undoes Alpha Red's shit storm, ensuring Jubilee is back to being Jubilee and nobody has to put up more with more Twilight jokes on this blog. I'm sure they're all greatly relieved.

That's not to say her decision is devoid of impact. There are hints that what she does has major ramification, as is often the case for anything and everything the X-men do. That usually starts the countdown for when this decision will come back to bite Dead Girl in the ass, but it gives weight to her choice. She doesn't just flip a switch and everyone is back to singing songs and dancing the Macarena. There are other potential issues and that's what makes it powerful.

Just one of those powerful moments comes courtesy of Dracula and Alpha Red. Yes, their father/son struggle is as basic as a Game of Thrones rerun, minus the gratuitous nudity and genital mutiliation. However, Bowers and Sims still make sure to give dramatic weight to this moment. Because of hte Darkhold, Alpha Red is doomed to turn into dust before he can devour Stephanie Meyer. It's a cruel fate and one that leads to a powerful moment with Dracula. He isn't the kind of father who is inclined to spit on his dead son's ashes. So I guess in that sense, this moment isn't like Game of Thrones.

Storm even becomes part of this moment, offering some level of consolation to Dracula. Granted, this is fucking Dracula. This guy deserves consolation the same way Bill Gates deserves a fucking tax break. However, the man still lost his son and just one issue ago, Dracula did want to marry Storm. Granted, most men want that, dead or undead. It's still a tense, conflicted moment where Storm offers some perspective. It's a skewed perspective since her species didn't just get their asses kicked. Given how fucked that species is in the mainline comics, I think she's earned it. Vampires owe us that much after Twilight.

So the day is saved. Storm's first mission as leader of the X-men is a success. She saved her friends and kept them from a cruel future full of Twilight jokes. She still probably wants to kick Cyclops in the balls, but everything else at this point would just be icing on the cake. However, this doesn't spare her from one last tense exchange with Beast. Again, Beast insists on being a douche to those who have to make hard decisions. He does it with Cyclops. He's a total fucking asshat because of it. However, he does make at least some valid points, saying that what Storm did today could bite them in their already-ripened asses. Such is the life of the leader of the X-men and unlike Cyclops, Storm can't bury her sorrows between Jean Grey's legs. In other words, she has a LONG road ahead of her.

So...is it awesome?

It's chaotic, quick-paced, and confusing at times. Oh, and it's also pretty fucking awesome. Can't forget about that. X-men 92 #4 doesn't attempt to overly complicate the formula for what makes X-men awesome. A threat to the human and mutant race emerges. They step up and kick it in the balls. That's X-men at their finest. That's what the old cartoon perfected and it was able to do so without Oscar Isaac's sex appeal. That in and of itself is a big fucking accomplishment.

At the same time, however, X-men 92 #4 doesn't shy away from added complexities. It doesn't try to be exactly like the old cartoon and it shouldn't. This isn't the fucking 90s anymore. Nicholas Cage isn't an A-lister, America Online sucks, Apple is better than Microsoft, and the current Marvel cartoons suck. This issue dares to add some uncertainty within the X-men while still maintaining the playful, upbeat spirit that has been crushed under the Inhuman-fetish boot in the mainline Marvel universe. The X-men don't just save the day. They contemplate the future moving forward. That alone makes X-men 92 the most mature and refined X-men title to come along in decades. I don't miss Nicholas Cage movies, but I do miss this kind of X-men to death.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

X-men 92 #3: Nuff Said!

Life is unfair as fuck. Some things never get the respect they earn while other things get way more than they deserve. And I'm not just talking about Bernie Sanders either. It feels like it doesn't matter how awesome X-men 92 is in terms the quality, refinement, and scope of its story. It's just never going to succeed in a market where everyone is lining up to suck the Inhumans' xenophobic, slave-owning dicks. And that's an injustice on par with the cancellation of Firefly, but that's the world we live in I'm afraid. We can only hope to cope with weed and whiskey.

This gives guys like me all the more reason to enjoy X-men 92 while it lasts and make no mistake, it won't. Marvel will look for an excuse to cancel this series early. It's a series that neither glorifies the Inhumans nor hypnotizes readers into buying Avengers merchandise. It's not going to last if Disney's lawyers have anything to say about it. And that's bullshit because this series has brought a new Inner Circle into the mix, complete with an evil communist vampire monster. X-men 92 #3 promises to add more icing on top of a multi-layered cake and without sterilization plots. So please, enjoy it with me because Marvel will cancel something this awesome because it will please their Disney overlords. Extra weed and whiskey isn't necessary, but it certainly couldn't hurt.

Disney overlords aren't the only one watching the events of X-men 92 closely. It has actually caught the attention of the multiverse. Ignoring how one too many of those universe are probably dystopian futures ruled by Inhumans, killer robots, and Ted Cruz, the vampires of this universe see what's going on in X-men 92 with Alpha Red. While I'm sure they're as shocked as everyone that nobody is sucking any Inhuman dick, they're also curious as to what's going on with this latest mutant vs. vampires conflict. I don't know if vampires have anything on par with weed and whiskey, but I'm sure they're ready to watch like a horny meth head watching Game of Thrones.

And like Game of Thrones, stopping an evil incursion of monsters requires an alliance with someone only slightly less evil than King Joffrey. Storm, now the leader of the X-men, has to get help from fucking Dracula of all people to save Jubilee. If this sounds familiar, then don't worry. You're not as high as you think you are. Like the mainline comics, Storm does have a history with Dracula. And yes, that history involves Dracula wanting to marry and bone her. Honestly, who can blame him? He's fucking Dracula. He's in a better position than most to get a goddess for a wife.

That history is still somewhat glossed over in that it was never touched on in the old cartoon. And since the cartoon had numerous variations on X-men stories, mostly to make them more suitable for a Saturday morning cartoon, it leaves a number of blanks. On top of that, this is a fairly similar approach to what the X-men did in the Curse of the Mutants arc. That arc was not exactly obscure. The iPhone existed during that arc so we're in painfully familiar territory here. What could X-men 92 possibly do to make it interesting?

Well clench your asshole fanboys, Chad Bowers and Chris Sims know what tickles your fancy. As expected, Dracula tries to get Storm to marry him again in exchange for his help. Storm's response should make feminists, liberals, and even some republicans squee. Storm basically says, "Do I look like Bella fucking Swan to you?!?!?" and unleashes her weather goddess powers. I'm pretty sure that killed Dracula's boner in an instant and gave me one in half the time. If anyone had any doubts whatsoever whether Storm was qualified to be leader of the X-men, kick those doubts in the balls and spit on their graves.

Storm kicks a lot of ass and she's used to it. Unfortunately, all those new students the X-men took in at the beginning of X-men 92 aren't quite as used to it. They're not quite at that level where they see a killer robot and think, "Ah fuck, it's going to be one of those days again." They're just students trying to live their lives without the threat of killer robots. Is that so much to ask?

Well, now they need to add vampires to their list of shit they want to avoid. Because after waking up from her coma in the previous issue, Jubilee has been busy, hungry, and probably pretty horny. A bunch of young students are running for their lives while others were too slow and got bit. Now they're vampires too. It's like a zombie invasion, minus the smell of rotting flesh. It's not an army of killer robots or an attack by the Brotherhood. But again, it's still a familiar conflict. It's still as fun as before, but not much beyond that.

Before this becomes a slasher movie where all the pretty girls with loose morals get slaughtered, Beast and Xavier step in and try to contain the situation. The institute is equipped to battle Sentinels, not vampires. But that doesn't stop them from contributing, using the institute's defenses to save the students they can. It's probably the most competent Beast has been in over a decade and he's not bitching about Cyclops. That alone should make X-men 92 worth the price.

They should be equipped to deal with this to some degree. Xavier even gets help from Chamber, who has more incentive than most to stop this. He was so close to copping a feel from Jubilee. He can't do that if she's undead. He just doesn't have that kind of fetish. Unfortunately, Xavier gets knocked out once again by some telepathic attack. And this comes after he got taken out by Cassandra Nova in the first arc. Starting to think Xavier is getting rusty in his old age.

That or the situation just got infinitely more fucked when Alpha Red shows up. Well in this case, I guess we'll say it's a little of both. Because yeah, Alpha Red does show up. And he's been even busier than Jubilee. That clash between him, the X-men, and Omega Red's Russian thugs...it didn't go well. Now they're all fucking vampires, including Wolverine. Now add a thirst for blood on top of his insatiable desire for whiskey, violence, and married women.

Even Curse of the Mutants didn't leave them this fucked. In that story, only Jubilee and Wolverine got turned into vampires. This finally gives this arc an extra level of ball-busting impact that it needed. It's still painfully familiar, but it's hard not to clench your asshole just a little bit harder when seeing a team of vampire X-men show up.

Naturally, the students at the institute don't stand a fucking chance. Alpha Red, having both X-men and their enemies on his side, break into the school with the same ease as I break into my liquor cabinet. They make their way to Cerebro, casually brushing off any of the Institute's defenses along the way. It's a lopsided battle, but it probably should be. The X-men are tough enough, but vampire X-men? Fuck, even Apocalypse would slightly shit himself at such a notion.

As things get increasingly fucked at the Xavier Institute, the remaining non-vampire X-men learn something from Dracula that adds an extra level of complicated fucks. It turns out that Alpha Red isn't just a secret Soviet super-weapon. He's Dracula's son. Specifically, he's an anti-Jon Snow type son who thought having an immortal father sucked so he tried to make himself more powerful with the help of Russian scientists. All that did was turn him into a monster and make him smell like cheap vodka. But it still made him pretty damn menacing. He managed to turn most of the X-men into vampires. You gotta give him props for that. It also adds a few extra layers to Alpha Red and in the post-Twilight era of vampires, that's always a bonus.

Now knowing he has a chance to give his asshole son a spanking, Dracula agrees to follow the X-men back to the Xavier Institute. They arrive just in time to see that it's now basically a level of Resident Evil. The X-men are vampires. Most of the students are vampires. The whole institute is just one Sookie Stackhouse away from being one big vampire orgy. Alpha Red certainly has a boner going. He's got daddy issues, but now he's got vampire X-men to help him. Beats the shit out of family therapy I guess.

Storm tries to end this shit before Capcom sues their ass. She once again shows off her badass goddess skills by breaking the creepy cloud cover and hitting these vampires with a nice dose of sunlight. Unfortunately, that doesn't work. It doesn't even make them sparkle. Apparently, Alpha Red used some sort of convoluted magic shit to remove that pesky weakness from vampires. Is it a little convenient and contrived? Yes. But does it set up a much bloodier battle between the X-men and vampire X-men? Fuck yes.

So...is it awesome?

Well if you thought the shitty finale to True Blood had destroyed all possibility of vampire stories, then kick your own ass, bang your head against the wall, and rejoice! X-men 92 #3 just proved you wrong. This isn't True Blood. This isn't Twilight. This isn't some watered down Ann Rice shit. This is mutants vs. vampires and it's as awesome as it sounds. There's no bullshit love story here. And nobody fucking sparkles. It's mutants fighting vampires. Like fighting giant robots, it's just one of those simple plots that just fucking works.

That's not to say it's a perfect plot. If you read Curse of the Mutants several years ago, you'll see plenty of parallels. You might even see one too many. Jubilee being a vampire? X-men turning into vampires? It's been done and done well. X-men 92 #3 doesn't improve upon it, but it doesn't make it worse either. It still kicks plenty of ass and busts plenty of balls. And again, nobody fucking sparkles.

Final Score: 7 out of 10