Friday, May 31, 2013

X-men Supreme Issue #76: Crowns of Tyrants PREVIEW and Emma Frost Pics

In every great story, be it an issue of Marvel comics or a fanfiction series, the biggest events often come when someone makes a bold, risky move. There have been many such moves in the history of Marvel comics and there have been plenty of moves in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series to date. Events such as Magneto's plot with the asteroid in Overlord or Charles Xavier pushing his powers to the limit during the Phoenix Saga have left a significant mark on the world of X-men Supreme. Sometimes those moves pay off in the long run, but not in the short run. Sometimes they pay off in the short run, but not in the long run. And in X-men Supreme Issue 75: Renegade the newest character to the X-men Supreme fanfiction series, General Nathan Grimshaw, made such a bold move that is only beginning to play out.

Since Robert Kelly became President of the United States, I have been making preparations for some major shifts in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. The introduction of my new characters, General Nathan Grimshaw and Jack Freeman, are going to play a huge role in the near and far future for X-men Supreme. The roles they play and the events they influence will be a major guiding force in the futre of this fanfiction series. What they do in the next issue and the issues that follow will set the tone for the future of X-men Supreme.

A big part of this risk involves getting Magneto involved in the affairs of X-men Supreme again. Last we saw him, he turned Robert Kelly's son into a mutant. He's been lying low since the Presidential election, but Magneto is not known for staying quiet. He's also not known to be subtle when provoked. He still has an entire nation of mutants at his disposal on Genosha along with the Brotherhood of Mutants. That alone makes him very dangerous. Now in the next issue, General Grimshaw and Captain Jack Freeman will brave that danger. But to what end? That's something that will be revealed soon enough. In the meantime, I've prepared an extended preview that should offer a brief hint of what you can expect in this volatile issue of X-men Supreme!

Rising up from his desk, Magneto closed his books and addressed his two subordinates. They were cutting into his valuable research time. Nearly his entire room was littered with texts, making it seem more like a library than a room for sleeping. These were all of the utmost importance and the Brotherhood was hindering rather than helping their cause.

“We’ve been over this before. I have no desire to repeat myself,” said the master of magnetism in a stern tone, “I put the Brotherhood in charge because I assumed you could handle the masses while I work on my research. Was I wrong in my assumption?”

“No sir,” said Alex, trying to sound reasonable, “But you instructed us to keep the peace on Genosha. We were able to do that with the resources on hand up until President Kelly decided to go all macho on us. The man is putting pressure on us and he’s just itching to see us crack!”

“That will not happen,” said Magneto strongly, “For all our sake, it better not.”

“I don’t want it to happen either, but we’re running out of ways to convince everyone that we actually have a plan.”

“We do have a plan. That’s exactly what I’ve been pursuing since I uncovered the alien craft.”

“Then perhaps a few details would help,” suggested Pietro as he thumbed through some of his father’s books, “I know you love keeping everyone in the dark, but we’ve got a lot of paranoid mutants out there looking for a reason to cause trouble. I don’t know what books like ‘A Critical Review on the Cambrian Explosion’ have to do with…”

“Put that down! That’s a very rare text!” barked Magneto, using his powers to wrestle it out of his son’s hands.

“Fine! Jeez, does everything have to be a secret?” groaned Pietro, who barely got his hands out of the way before Magneto directed the metal in the floor to snatch the book.

“When men like Robert Kelly are keeping our collective species on the brink, I would certainly say so. And this is no exception,” said Magneto as he took the book, “Make no mistake. I’m still pursuing what I know to be best for our kind. I just need time to see it through.”

“Yeah, like I haven’t heard that before,” muttered Pietro.

This comment earned him a penetrating scold from his father that was supplemented by some metallic shaking around the floor. It was enough to make even the defiant speedster tremble.

“It is nothing to scoff at, son. What I discovered on that alien craft has the potential to make this conflict that President Kelly is obsessing over obsolete! This is the future of the mutant race and this time there will be no need for war and genocide. It requires that I research forces that fwe have bothered to pursue and even fewer understand! And I’m close to uncovering the truth!”

“How close?” asked Alex, avoiding the same scolds as Pietro.

“Close enough to warrant the utmost secrecy! The last thing I want is someone like Robert Kelly or Charles Xavier to uncover my work. That is why I cannot relay any information to you or our citizens at the moment.”

“I take it that means no to the backup?” Pietro surmised, finally backing off a bit.

“If it gets too difficult, I’ll make arrangements. But for now, I need you to continue your security efforts. All will be revealed when the time is right and not a moment sooner.”

Alex and Pietro were disappointed. It would have been nice to have something concrete to go on, but that was not Magneto’s style. They were all in this together here on Genosha. They had to trust that this plan of his was going to work, for they had precious few alternatives.

“Now then…if you’ll excuse me, I must get back to my research,” said Magneto, turning away from his subordinates.

“Guess that means more double shifts for the Brotherhood,” sighed Alex.

“Oh joy,” groaned Pietro, “I can’t wait to tell Blob and the others we’re still working under a policy of wait-and-see-what-blows-up-first.”

“Learn to adapt, my son,” said Magneto as he gathered more books, “Secrecy may be frustrating, but you’ll find that it goes a long way towards getting things done.”

“Whatever,” muttered Pietro, “I still say it’s more trouble than it’s worth.”

Magneto was about to further scold his son’s arrogance, but he was interrupted by the sound of a blaring alarm. The entire citadel was wired with an advanced security system not unlike the one Charles Xavier used to guard his institute. So when something was amiss, it alerted everyone within the vast structure.

“Care to test that theory, Pietro?” said Alex, quickly going into full-alert mode.

“This doesn’t prove anything!” retorted the speedster before turning back towards Magneto, “What is going on, dad?!”

“The system is locking down every access point on the citadel. It can only mean someone was foolish enough to make themselves an unwelcome guest!” said the master of magnetism, sounding both frustrated and enraged.

“Seriously?!” scoffed Pietro, “Who the hell would be stupid enough to attack us in our own home?”

“Someone who likely doesn’t know I have a very low tolerance for stupidity in my home,” said Magneto sternly as he used his powers to retrieve his helmet, which was on a table next to his bed.

Setting his research aside, the old holocaust survivor stormed out of his quarters with Alex and Pietro following closely behind. He went to great lengths to keep his operations secret. Whoever dared disturb him in his own domain was going to face the wrath of the master of magnetism.

And no, I still haven't forgotten the pics section. I'm still hard at work gathering new artwork to help enhance the world of X-men Supreme. I'm still catching up on Emma Frost's section. As I've said before, she is a popular character for obvious reasons. I hope some fresh images of one of the X-men's most famous vixen will help begin their weekend on a high note!

Emma Frost Pics

Some big changes are ahead for the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. And it won't just be my new original characters that will play a part. X-men Supreme Volume 4: Politics of Fear will change the nature of the human/mutant conflict. That conflict has varied over the years in the comics and I intend to do the same with X-men Supreme. As such, it's important that everyone take the time to review each issue or send feedback. Please post it directly in each issue or contact me directly. I'm always open to chat! Until next time, take care and best wishes! Excelsior!


Thursday, May 30, 2013

Wolverine and the X-men #30 - Rivaled Awesome

In my experience, rivalries are good for only one thing and that’s giving people an excuse to dress like hobo clown and act like assholes. Whether it’s school, sports, or superheroes rivalries bring out the biggest, shittiest asshole in everybody. Some rivalries drive a story and an entire franchise. The Green Bay Packers have the Chicago Bears. The New York Yankees have the Boston Red Sox. Superman has Lex Luthor. Wolverine has Sabretooth. It can make for great stories and great drama, but at the end of the day one side will always come off as a douche-bag.

It could be argued that the rivalry between Sabretooth and Wolverine is a big part of what has made X-men awesome. Over the years they’ve fought, maimed, and even killed each other (at least until that shit was retconned). No matter what the circumstance, they’re always at each other’s throats. It’s gotten to the point where Marvel has struggled to find new reasons to have them want to kill each other. Well in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men, they manage to scrape together another reason and wouldn’t you know it? A hot redheaded woman is in the middle of it all.

Since the latter part of Rick Remender’s run on Uncanny X-Force, Sabretooth and Mystique have been bumping uglies in ways that would even give Matt Lauer a boner. And when they’re not swapping body fluids in ways that makes One Million Moms cry themselves to sleep, they’re plotting new ways to torment Wolverine. They already lubed his ass up by screwing with the Original Five mutants in All New X-men. Now in Wolverine and the X-men, they’re teaming up with the Hellfire brats to put together their own little school. But this isn’t a school that will teach kids quality academics, self-control, and tolerance. This is more like the school that will teach students how to hate, torture, and slack off. In other words it’s basically underfunded middle school in Baltimore.

After getting a glimpse of the future, Wolverine has to know on some level that his rivalry is going to fuck with him in the present. I don’t know how that bullshit lock box he opened in the previous issue is supposed to help, but the new Hellfire school is already making a move. It recruited the innocent yet possible future Glenn Beck supporter Idie. It promises to be the first of many kicks in the balls for Wolverine.

True to his nature, Wolverine reacts as he always does when someone undermines the sanctity of his students and his balls. He lashes out in multiple levels of pissed off. He teams up with Rachel Grey, who to this point has been basically a background character who hasn't so much as mentioned the fact that her time displaced mother is at the school, to pay the Hellfire kids a visit. But anyone who knows anything about how cunning kids can be shouldn't be surprised when they find out the kids aren't there. Rachel even calmly explains to him that even kids are stupid enough to confront him when he's got a rage boner. That doesn't stop Wolverine from threatening them over a camera while the kids presumably laugh and go back to drinking from their sippy cups. Now that they have established a new rival school, complete with one of Wolverine's former students, they can safely lay claim to a significant portion of Wolverine's balls.

But enough about Wolverine's balls. There are still other pressing issues surrounding Idie's departure that have yet to be addressed. The whole reason why Idie has gone all emo is because Broo got shot in the head because of her. Now Broo is back to being a mindless, blood-thirsty Brood. He's basically like Farah Abrams if she thought that eating people would extend her 15 minutes of post-sex tape fame. In order to treat Broo's condition, Beast cashed in a favor from his current fuck buddy, Abigail Brand. She actually agreed to let Dr. Xanto Starblood, a sociopath alien version of the Crocodile Hunter, examine Broo in hopes of treating him. All I can say to that is Beast's penis must be very powerful if he can get Brand to agree to this shit.

Unfortunately, Beast's penis may not be as powerful as Cyclops's. Starblood makes clear that he has plenty of experience with the Brood, dissecting them and probably jerking off while they devour entire species. He basically says that Broo's current condition is perfectly healthy. In fact, his previous condition was the anomaly. By repairing his damaged brain after being shot in the head, he has basically been healed in the way faith healers only wish they could. It's both a grim diagnosis and a subtle "fuck you" that undermines Beast's balls.

That's a bit too many ball references for now so we'll now focus on the other ramifications of Idie's departure. Storm and Kitty Pryde are now seriously questioning their credentials as teachers after seeing her leave. So now they're trying to piece together where they went horribly wrong and do so with way more effort than my teachers ever did when they found out that one of their students fucked up. It isn't just distressing that she ditched them for the Hellfire Club. It's that the Hellfire Club was actually able to recruit her. That's like a player for the New York Yankees being a scout for the Boston Red Sox and secretly luring players away while drawing dicks on the team photos. It leads them to only one conclusion. They have a traitor in their midst. I would also conclude that they take time to explain what the Hellfire Club does to cute girls, using pictures of Emma Frost and Selene as a prime example, but that might have been too much.

And the staff isn't the only one curious about who the traitor may be. Kid Omega, who has long had a fetish for getting involved with shit that annoys the X-men, had been evesdropping over the entire conversation. He's clearly not content with trying (and failing) to bone O5 Jean Grey. He needs to find out what happened to Idie and why she left. I don't know if it's because he's trying to bone her too or if he just wants to show up the rest of the X-men. Or he may just be bored. Kid Omega is one of those characters that doesn't need a reason other than "fuck you." So whatever that reason may be, he hunts down some answers and in this case one of the bamfs has them.

It turns out that the bamfs are also easily bored and incredibly nosy. One of them happened to be hiding in the background when Idie tied Broo up to the Jean Grey statue out front before leaving. But in doing so it revealed more than what we saw in the previous issue. It turns out that Idie didn't just leave because being in the X-men was bad for her soul or that the excessive Catholic guilt had finally driven her crazy. She knows it was the Hellfire Club that shot Broo. Now she wants to infiltrate them and fucking kill their miserable asses. For a teenage girl who has otherwise been shown to be a meek version of Michelle Bachmann, that is pretty damn badass.

This revelation also helps make Idie a lot more compelling than she came off in the previous issue. Ever since she joined the Jean Grey Institute after Schism, she's basically been a whiney little religious nut insisting that she and all mutants are monsters. But here she's finally showing some grit that teenage girls usually don't show unless boy bands are involved. She already killed once in the pages of Schism. She's willing to do it again with the assholes that shot Broo. I still say it makes her less psychotic than One Direction fans.

This seals the deal for Kid Omega. He now is intent on going to the Hellfire Academy to find Idie. However, he must have been too loud with his thoughts because the rest of the X-men pick up on them. It would have been easier if they just picked up on his masturbation fantasies involving O5 Jean Grey and Kitty Pryde. This leads them to conclude that he's the traitor and in their defense, that makes way too much sense to scoff at. Kid Omega tries to explain that he wants to help Idie, but for someone who has a history of waving his dick in the faces of authority he doesn't exactly have much credibility.

Back with Beast and Starblood, the prognosis isn't good. Beast refuses to accept Starblood's assessment of Broo's condition while Starblood uses that sentiment to belittle him. I normally would label this a dick move, but given what a dick Beast has been lately I'll give him a mulligan. And he's not just content with fucking over Beast either. Starblood apparently has had a plan to fuck them all over and he did so with help from the Hellfire Club.

While Beast is trying to keep Broo from maiming him, an unexpected guest teleports into SWORD's station. He calls himself the Philistine, which sounds like some hipster rock band from Portland, but he's packing heavy hellfire heat and uses it to transport Starblood away from SWORD and even takes Broo with him as an added "fuck you." It's a bit random and a bit overly convenient, but I'm willing to assume that the Hellfire Kids were just waiting for the moment where Beast's balls would be most pained. And I think they definitely captured that moment perfectly here.

As Starblood makes his escape along with a good chunk of Beast's ego, Kid Omega has to make his escape as well. Regardless of whether or not he's actually innocent to some degree is a moot point now. Instead of trying to plead his case and actually coordinate with the X-men, he grabs one of the bamfs and teleports away. You want to feel some level of sympathy for the kid, but this is Kid Omega. He probably could have stuck around and earned the trust of the other X-men to help Idie. But he's a teenager with an ego almost as big as his porn collection. He's not going to think things through, nor should he when he's that much of a pick.

With no other choice except to go undercover at the Hellfire Academy, Kid Omega meets up with the same guy who helped get Idie to the Hellfire Club, ie the real fucking traitor. And who could it be? It's Toad. Yeah, it's as shocking as it sounds. I mean why shouldn't the guy that Wolverine has turned into a glorified janitor and treated like shit over the years betray the X-men? To be fair, he almost always sided against the X-men. But if he's going to betray the team, he also needs help from a pretty girl along with Starblood. So that is now the crowd that Kid Omega is joining. Even if he is going to try and help Idie, I have little doubt that an asshole like him will fit right in.

If the last issue was billed as a prelude to a prelude, then this issue is the official prelude. If that doesn't sound confusing, then you need better weed or you need to ease off the shrooms. The pace of Wolverine and the X-men has been all over the place since the end of Avengers vs. X-men. At times it basically steps off the trail to focus on something aside from who wants to blow up the Jean Grey Institute this month. Well this issue basically got the series back on that familiar trail, setting the stage for a new arc featuring the Hellfire Club. But this time it doesn't just involve a bunch of homicidal little kids. It involves some threats that are actually intimidating and familiar.

Just being back on track and not throwing more Dog Logan in our faces made this issue awesome. It also threw in a few surprises that may not blow your brains into the next time zone, but it will raise a few eyebrows in a good and non-pornographic way. Idie comes out of this issue as not being the emo religious zealot that the Catholic Church preys upon (also in a non-pornographic way for once). She's actually looking to bitch slap the assholes who deceived her and shot Broo. For a cute little girl like her, that's pretty awesome. It proves once again that even cute girls can have the kind of rage that will turn your colon inside out. But Toad's betrayal was a bit less surprising. He was the fucking janitor that everyone treated like shit. It would have been more surprising if he didn't jump at the chance to fuck with the X-men when the Hellfire kids showed up.

But as nice as it was to get this series back on track, it still suffers from the same host of problems that have plagued this series in recent times. Jason Aaron introduces a lot of interesting side-plots. However, he has an uncanny habit of ditching them the same way Bernie Madoff ditched SEC inquiries. What happened to the romantic sub-plot with Storm and Wolverine? What happened to the contents of that box from the past issue? What happened to future Wolverine's intent to warn his past self? Was all that shit just fodder or does Marvel have access to way more potent weed? I'm guessing it's a combination of the two.

For some, these lost side-plots may not bother anyone. In fact, I'm sure some may think I'm being petty with how Aaron isn't addressing these plots. And maybe I am petty in some respects, but when discerning between awesome comics and comics that are just good enough to read while taking a shit, I have a duty to the fine readers to this blog. With that, I give Wolverine and the X-men #30 a score of 3.5 out of 5. At least, it starts to move the series forward in a meaningful way. But it does so while still tripping over the same pot holes. I'm okay with that for now, but anyone who has done a sobriety test on uneven pavement knows that it's just a matter of time before you fall flat on your face. Hopefully, that doesn't happen with Wolverine and the X-men. Nuff said!

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

X-men #1 - Girl Powered Awesome

Between Marvel NOW and DC’s New 52, I think I speak for most fans when I say I’m getting burned out by all these relaunches and not in a good way. I don’t mind being burned out on tequila or weed. At least when you’re blacked out on that shit you either have a chance at getting laid or becoming famous on the internet. Just ask David Hasselhoff. Marvel has overhauled so many of their books, relaunching nearly every major title to the point where there’s only one book numbering in the triple digits (X-Factor) and that book is ending as well. So what could possibly make yet another relaunched title appealing?

Four words: all female X-men team. That’s right, Marvel. When in doubt, throw a bunch of tits into a series. Yes, it’s shallow. Yes, it will piss off the feminists out there. But if you’re honest about your love of tits or the fact that women in comics have them, you’ll see the appeal. Because that’s what Brian Wood is giving us in a relaunched adjectiveless X-men title. He already showed some potential when he wrote towards the latter end of the previous adjectiveless series. But at that point there were too few fucks left to give on the part of fanboys and the series ended.

Now some of you may be sober enough to remember that we already had a reluanched ajectiveless X-men a few years ago when Victor Gischler tried to cash in on the vampire craze with Curse of the Mutants. I’m not sure if I have enough brain cells to recall, but it did have its moments. The most lasting impression this series did in my drunken opinion was turn Jubilee into a vampire and do it in a way so that she didn’t become Bella fucking Swan.

But along the way, Jubilee faded into the background once more and hasn’t been active in recent X-men events. Well now Brian Wood is promising to bring her back into the fold with a team of X-women that include Rogue, Rachel Grey, Kitty Pryde, Storm, and Psylocke. It’s a premise that is the basis for no fewer than thirty percent of the masturbation fantasies among male X-men fans and gay female X-men fans. There are enough books involving characters with dicks. So why not give the ladies a shot at captivating readers in ways beyond mere boners?

This new series promises to give Brain Wood a fresh start with the X-men and his “no dicks allowed” policy already gives it a unique backdrop to work with. It's a little vague at first in that it gives a brief lesson in the history of life that would make a creationist's head explode. We don't know who is narrating yet (but it is revealed later on), but he basically explains how there were two siblings of primordial goop in the early days of the planet. And one of those siblings was an asshole in that it cast the other one out so that it could be the Darwinian life seed of the planet. It proves once again that fighting with your siblings isn't just natural. It's a biological imperative.

Skip the rest of the biology lesson and give creationists a moment to clean their brains off the floor and we meet up with our old gal pal, Jubilee. Last we saw her, she joined a team of vampires to learn how to be Twilight style hippies that don't kill other humans, minus the fucking sparkling. Well someone must have had some kick ass blow since then because now Jubilee is on her own, on the run, and caring for an infant. Where did this infant come from and why is it so adorable? That's not clear, but what is clear is that someone is after her and it isn't MTV looking to make another reality show. Or maybe it is and if that's the case, both the X-men and the Avengers need to beat the shit out of whoever is running MTV these days.

I've often noted the parallels between the Jean Grey Institute and my old high school. And at times I admit those comparisons may be a little extreme, but one thing I do credit Marvel with doing since they introduced the Jean Grey Institute is including some bits of realism. It is a school and as such, it has all the crazy shit you would expect to find in a school. That includes teenagers beating each other up for no reason aside from looking at each other cross-eyed. That's what happens with Mercury and Bling, which Rachel Grey has to come in and break up. Two teenagers beating each other up in the pages of an X-men comic may seem trivial, but for anyone who has survived high school, it's as real as last Thursday.

In addition to evoking painful memories of high school, this scene introduces us to the core cast of X-women that will be making up this estrogen-laden team. They're not giddy school girls talking about how hot Robert Pattinson looked in the last Twilight movie. They're teachers and administrators trying to run a school. Teenage mutants make that difficult in the same way quantum mechanics makes physics a pain in the ass. Then they get a call from Jubilee and they have an entirely new pain in the ass to deal with.

After arriving via plane from Europe, Jubilee hops a train. And some creepy R. Kelly motherfucker is following her every step of the way. So rather than just wait at the train station like reasonable adults, the X-women say "fuck it!" and hop the train themselves. Why? Because they fucking can, that's why. Rogue, Kitty Pryde, and Storm use their powers in simple yet effective ways to board the train, all while ensuring none of the passengers so much as spills their coffee. Kitty is the first one to meet Jubilee and reacts as most would expect to react when they see a teenage girl with a baby.

Once Rogue and Storm catch up, Jubilee offers an explanation that's only slightly more believable than a teenage girl that says the condom broke and the abortion clinic was closed for nine months. Apparently, this baby is an orphan like her. She rescued her from an orphanage that was the site of some terror bombing and/or a meteorite and/or Dr. Doom being too bored with internet porn. Now she's on the run because that creepy R. Kelly motherfucker earlier is after her and she believes the only way to protect the baby is at the Jean Grey Institute.

It's a welcome touch of novelty because usually when a story involves a teenage girl and a baby, it's either a reality show or some anti-sex bullshit from the religious right that is trying to control women's vaginas. But what makes it more compelling is that Jubilee is an orphan as well. She has a connection with this baby and it shows in how she treats it. Wood and Oliver Coipel's art conveys that sense of drama nicely and that sort of shit is rare in an X-book not written by Brian Michael Bendis. But as is often the case with babies and teenage girls, there is often more to the story than it seems. And it shows in the way the baby seems to fuck with the train's electronics.

As adorable as the baby may be, she managed to fuck up the whole train just by touching the speaker system. It finally forces a little action into this issue in the form of a train going out of control like a drunk Jeff Gordon on the New Jersey Turnpike. It allows Rogue to finally do more than just bitch at the Scarlet Witch like she has been doing in Uncanny Avengers and stop the train in a nicely drawn out action sequence. Yes, it's somewhat basic. Stopping a renegade train in the Marvel universe is akin to a cop citing a drunk for public urination. But given that this time the train was derailed by a fucking baby, I think that adds a little more intrigue. As if we didn't need enough reasons to not want to sit near a baby on a train.

While some of the all-female cast is busy meeting up Jubilee, the R. Kelly motherfucker that has been stalking her does something completely unexpected. He flies to the Jean Grey Institute and surrenders. They don't even try to tear his balls off or threaten to throw his brain in a blender. He just up and surrenders. In the process, we find out that said motherfucker is John Sublime. For those of you who missed the pop quiz last week, John Sublime isn't exactly a man or a mutant. He's a glorified pack of primordial goo that occasionally takes the form of a guy who looks like he should be a registered sex offender. But beyond his creep factor, he does offer an explanation that ties in nicely with that creationist-killing prologue from earlier.

Once Rachel and Psylocke contain him in a completely non-pornographic way, he explains that his sister has returned. And his sister happens to be that other blob of protoplasmic goo that he kicked out a billion years ago. And anyone who has ever had a sibling knows that no amount of time heals the vindictive wounds of an angry sibling. Now she's back and he's probably shitting whatever primordial goo shits. He also mentions that she can possess machines the way he possesses people. So that little trick with the train is now even more distressing.

But as Rachel and Psylocke are interrogating Sublime, Jubilee arrives at the institute with the baby in hand and doesn't seem to know that this baby just derailed a train. She gets a warm welcome from her fellow X-men and a nice clean room. The baby, however, wasn't content with just derailing a train. Sublime also makes clear that his sister is dangerous and he's not equipped to handle her, which I'm guessing is code for him being too lazy as well. And the baby shows that by using Jubilee's cell phone to pull off more mischief. Because kids just can't be satisfied with a little destruction. They have to go all out to satisfy their ADHD mentality.

Sublime makes clear that the X-men are making a big fucking mistake by not locking that baby in a cell next to Loki. And the baby ends up proving him right by using Jubilee's cell phone to access Hank's lab. And from there, Sublime's sister with a billion-year grudge emerges in the body of Omega Sentinel. That body also takes a female form, which is entirely appropriate given the context of this story. It's a form that might or might not give you boner, but it makes clear that Sublime isn't entirely bullshitting the X-men when he says that this is a dangerous new threat and they're royally fucked if they don't do something about it. And isn't that key in any new comic series? Setting up a situation that threatens that one or many will be utterly fucked?

Usually when women are at main characters of a story, the plot either revolves around men they want to bone/marry, clothes, looks, or the Spice Girls. Feminazis have been pointing it out for years and there is some kernel of truth to it. A lot of these stories basically portray women as a walking ball of hormones obsessively seeking their own version of Ryan Gosling to make babies with when they're not shopping for a new dress that they may or may not wear more than once. Even as someone with a working penis, I find that pretty fucking bland. So reading X-men #1 with its all-female X-men cast was refreshing in that it gave the X-men's most prominent female characters an awesome story that gave the finger to typical stereotypes while also giving me a raging boner.

Brian Wood's work on the X-books always showed potential, but being able to start fresh with a new team on a book with a very different premise has finally realized that potential. He didn't just bring Jubilee back into the fold. He added some genuine emotion into the story along with a touch of dry humor about the frustrations that come along with running a school of teenage mutants and time displaced X-men. I may come off as an unfeeling drunk at times, but get a few beers in me or a few good joints and I'm capable of genuine feeling. Other than All New X-men and Uncanny X-men, not many X-books give me that feeling that Donald Trump probably gets when someone writes him a check for eight figures. I found myself actually caring about this mystery baby and Jubilee's struggles to take care of a child. And she didn't even need a fucking reality show on MTV to make it compelling. That along makes X-men #1 a win.

This issue was a solid first issue in that it didn't just establish a new cast. It established a new threat with John Sublime and his sister that the X-women are now caught up in. It's the kind of threat that is different from what they face in the other X-books, yet you don't get the sense that it's trying to capitalize on a fad like the last X-men #1 kept trying to capitalize on the vampire craze. Well Twilight is over, Kristen Stewart's career is in the shitter, and fans are hungry for something different. And this book delivers that something that provides a new avenue for awesome.

It would be too easy for a book featuring only X-women to become nothing more than a poor man's Playboy or jerk off material for teenage boys with no internet connection and no underwear magazines. But Wood made the story compelling and that has elevated this book in ways that make it a worthy relaunch for a series with a concept that should keep the National Organization for Woman from bitching at Marvel for more than once a month. The only thing keeping this issue from being perfect is the lack of explanations on what Jubilee has been up to since she joined her vampire crew. It's not even clear in this issue that she is still a vampire. I'm not sure if Brain Wood is going to explore that in future issues, but for now he's set up a foundation as hard as my dick. And for that, I give X-men #1 a 4.5 out of 5. Ladies and effeminate men, this is the book you've been waiting for. It's an all-female crew dealing with more than just all-female problems. More than anything else, this comic proves that unless you're Cyclops, you don't need a penis to get the job done. Nuff said!

Friday, May 24, 2013

X-men Supreme Issue 75: Renegade is LIVE!

The next landmark issue of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series has arrived! The 75th issue of this fanfiction series is poised to be special. In all my years of reading comic books, I've seen how both Marvel and DC Comics make a big deal when a series reaches a certain number. I want to treat the 75th issue of X-men Supreme in the same way. This issue will include a few very important moments that will have far-reaching implications for the future of this fanfiction series. I've already announced the revealtion of two original characters that will be completely unique to the world of X-men Supreme. But it's the role these characters will play that will make them special.

I already announced the first character in the preview I revealed last week. His name is General Nathan Grimshaw. Now in the history of the X-men and in the Marvel universe in general, heroes haven't had a good relationship with high ranking military men. General Nathan Grimshaw is going to be a different kind of office. Don't expect him to be an ally, but don't expect him to be an enemy either. He has his own agenda and that agenda is not like what others such as Colonel John Wraith have had. That agenda will lead him to clash with the X-men, which will set the stage for some very important events in X-men Supreme Volume 4: Politics of Fear and beyond.

But General Grimshaw isn't the only one I plan to introduce. In this latest issue I'm also proud to reveal Captain Jack Freeman! This original character is someone else who will have a major impact on the events of X-men Supreme. But who is Jack Freeman? What role will he play in the events of this issue and in future events of the X-men Supreme Fanfiction series? You'll get a brief taste both in this issue and the next. Enjoy!

X-men Supreme Issue 75: Renegade

I'm still astonished at how the X-men Supreme fanfiction series has sustained itself for 75 issues. I have so many stories I want to tell that sometimes it feels like I can't get to all of them. The world of X-men Supreme has been challenging yet fun to write and with the emergence of my own characters, there is so much left to explore. And as always, I strongly value the imput of those who take the time to provide feedback for this fanfiction series. Please know that I'm always open to chatting with anyone who contacts me and I always appreciate it when someone leaves a comment for an issue. I deeply appreciate all those who have supported this fanfiction series and I hope it continues as X-men Supreme continues to grow. Until next time, take care and best wishes! Excelsior!


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Uncanny X-men #6 - Multiple Levels of Awesome

The first day of school is like a recurring national tragedy for most teenagers. It's basically the beginning of a nine month prison sentence where you'll be harassed, judged, molded, and controlled by teachers, peers, and government sponsored administrators who want to make sure you fit the mold of a future taxpayer/soldier. I always remembered feeling like a deer locked in Ted Nugant's basement on the night before the first day of school. I knew that I was destined for slaughter, but at least with the dear it was over in the span of time it took Nugant to load his gun. For students, that slaughter lasted nine fucking months.

I imagine the first mission for an X-man is a lot like the first day of school. You're woefully unprepared. You're inexperienced and overwhelmed. And you'll probably be judged in a way that will make you want to crawl into a ball, tuck your dick between your legs, and cry like a girl who just watched her uncle burn her My Little Pony correction. I would argue that missions with the X-men are still not as bad as gym class, algebra, and chemistry. But sometimes the missions have a way of being so fucked up that some students would be begging for a calculus exam.

That's the sentiment I think the students of the new Xavier Institute feel. After the events of Uncanny X-men #5, the school is finally coming together. So far Brian Michael Bendis has done an excellent job setting the stage for this school while capturing all the necessary drama from O5 Angel's defection to the student's learning why the Danger Room is dangerous. But before these students can even get their first lesson, Magik shows some strange symptoms that are extreme even for a teenage girl.

Now I've been fairly ambivalent about Magik since she became a demon-loving sociopath during Matt Fraction's run. But there is no denying that she is one of Cyclops's heavy hitters. She's a teenage girl with the power of Hell at her fingertips. You couldn't get a much more potent weapon without giving Dr. Doom unlimited amounts of weapons grade plutonium and crystal meth. She was one of the only ones whose powers didn't seem to be affected by the Phoenix Force. But in Uncanny X-men #5, we found out that wasn't exactly the case. And Dormammu, who happens to have a demon vacation home in Limbo, didn't much appreciate it. So Magik unwittingly transported the team and the new students to Limbo to battle demons. I'll finally say it. I think that is worse than my high school gym class. However, my gym teacher still looks striking similar to Dormammu.

But Uncanny X-men #6 doesn’t go straight to the bowels of Hell/Limbo from the onset. That would be too much for a world that still gives Pat Robertson his own TV show. One of the ongoing stories that has been unfolding since this series began is new mutants manifesting all over the world with new powers. The past few issues haven’t explored that, but Bendis shows in the first few pages of this issue that he has no intention of ditching that aspect of the story. This time it isn’t some whiney teenager though. It’s some 30-year-old guy named David whose girlfriend broke up with him via text message and is now moving out. For men of all ages, this is a low-point that only hard liquor and a box of tissues can solve. But rather than cry like a baby as his now ex-girlfriend drives off, David finds out he has a power that allows him to control her car and bring her back. She’s obviously pissed and confused, but it’s yet another new mutant who is going to be vulnerable after an ex-girlfriend busts his balls. In other words, he’s perfect future X-men material!

We then go from one hell to another. Now in Limbo, the team and the inexperienced teenage mutants who managed to get their asses kicked by the Danger Room in the previous issue are staring down Dormammu and a demon-possessed Magik. Compare that to the Original Five’s first mission, which involved only a giant robot and a guy with a bucket for a helmet. I think it’s fair to say they’re behind the curve. And Dormammu makes it clear that he’s not going to go easy on them just because their kids. In fact, he’s going to basically use them to fuck with Magik because that’s just the kind of guy he is. In this sense, giant robots don’t seem so bad.

However, this scene also highlighted and issue I usually don’t discuss on this blog and that’s the artwork. I love pretty pictures as much as the next drunk and most of the time I don’t expect the quality of Jim Lee or Mark Bagley with every issue. That would be like wanting every hooker to look like Pamela Anderson. But unlike hookers, I’m willing to look past mediocre art. But when it’s downright crappy, I do take notice. And this is one instance where the absence of Chris Belacho is really felt. The background of Limbo and the depiction of Dorammu here is atrocious and it spans the whole length of the book. It’s not horrible, but it’s difficult to look past even with the aid of my best weed. The inks are smeared, the colors are weak, and Dromammu looks more like a lion’s nutsack than a fiery demon. It doesn’t take away from the story, but it is painfully apparent.

As you might expect, the new mutants are busy shitting themselves, Magik is in full demon mode. She’s a teenager too, but she’s one of those teenagers that has firepower to go along with those irrational instincts. And that leads to some petty insults followed by some standard attacks. It’s not much in the sense that its wordy when it should be a big orgy of hellfire. Cyclops definitely adds to it by showing off his new fucked up powers. Because of the art it’s hard to appreciate how badass they are, but I’m guessing that blasting Dormammu helped soak the panties of both Emma Frost and Tempus (in a good way that is). It also shows why he’s still the leader and still as badass as Wolverine, minus the body hair.

However, these initial blasts don’t amount to much. In fact, they barely amount to anything other than weakening Cyclops and pissing off Magik’s demon side. She tries sending everyone back to the non-hellish world, but fails. There’s more talking here, which basically amounts to Dormmamu fucking with Magik while the new mutants whine like little pussies. But to be fair, they have every right to. I’m normally inclined to poke fun at characters in comics that act like future prison bitches, but in this instance Bendis actually creates a setting where such bitching is justified. These aren’t experienced X-men staring down Limbo. These are inexperienced teenagers. Unless they had gym class with me in high school, they’re not prepared for this.

And while I won’t poke fun at the young mutants, I will point out that there was way too much talking here. Bendis is great with mixing dialog and action. In this instance it didn’t mix as well as it has for most of the series. But I look at it as a bad batch of pot brownies. Even though they turn out bad, they can still get you high. So I don’t think it takes too much away from the plot. It causes it to drag for a bit.

But Bendis doesn’t let it drag for long. In the same way he touched on an ongoing theme in Uncanny X-men with a new mutant, he takes a break from hellish storylines to follow another plot that has been unfolding across multiple issues. It’s no secret that SHIELD and the Avengers got their asses served to them with a side of fries several issues ago. And Maria Hill takes pride in the sanctity of her ass so she’s not about to let this shit go.

With help from everyone’s favorite non-female SHIELD agent, Phil Coulson, she muses over the mutant issue while analyzing the sentinel that attacked in Uncanny X-men #1 (yet another great example of the connectivity in this series). In addition to having a nice ass, she’s smart enough to know that what they’re doing with mutants and with Cyclops ain’t working. And since the Uncanny Avengers can’t stop trying to strangle one another, SHIELD needs another approach to dealing with mutants and one that involves better analyzing the situation rather than treating Cyclops the same way they treat Hydra. It’s one of those things that should be common sense, but in the world of SHIELD sometimes common sense takes some pwnage to utilize.

Back in the hellish world that doesn’t involve the ex-girlfriend, the Stepford Cuckoos come to another hard conclusion that may also count as common sense. Dormmamu isn’t going to let them go and these young mutants are too chicken shit to be effective against his demon armies. So the only solution is to mind-fuck them to the point where they are no longer afraid and are ready to kick the devil in the balls while singing Journey songs. Now normally I’m morally opposed to mind-fucking unless it involves kinky sex antics from Emma Frost. But when it turns a bunch of whiney teenagers into a bunch of determined, badass X-men in training I think it’s not only justified. It’s necessary. It usually takes years for teenagers to overcome their innate fear of being inadequate. If a simple mind fuck helps them skip a few steps, then why not? It’s either that or whine while a demon uses them as toilet paper.

The talking finally stops and the fighting finally begins. And despite the poor artwork, it’s still a sight to behold. Both the veteran X-men and the new X-men fight together in their first major clash. It’s a big moment for this series in that Bendis has spent a number of issues just getting this team together and getting them into a base. Now they’re taking it to the next level and fighting as a team and against Dormammu’s mud demons no less. While it may still be a tough trial-by-fire for a group of new X-men, it should definitely make fighting killer robots in the future that much easier.

That’s not to say there isn’t some talking during this fight. However, it involves characters not participating in the fight. As the battle in Limbo is unfolding, Maria Hill is holding a little interview that is part of this new common sense approach to dealing with mutants. She claims she wants mutants to be treated equally as well, but doesn’t trust a team where Magneto is whispering into the ear of Cyclops. That’s not unreasonable in the slightest, but she still makes it clear that she doesn’t trust Cyclops and doesn’t trust what this revolution of his entails. So she needs someone to help her improve mutant relations without risking the Avengers getting pwned. And who might be willing to help?

Thankfully, we don’t have to wait until the next issue to find out. In fact, we didn’t even have to wait until this issue. It was already announced in future solicits that Dazzler would be joining SHIELD and would show up in the pages of Uncanny X-men. Well in this scene we find out how she gets caught up with SHIELD. After proving herself in the pages of Xtreme X-men and showing that she’s a capable leader in X-Terminator, she’s ready to become more than a glorified Lady Gaga parody. And in a series that already has a number of hot blonds on the team, I guess another couldn’t hurt.

In this day and age, the ability to multi-task is almost as valuable a survival skill as the ability to secure your next meal. It’s not to just be able to wrestle a bear while satisfying a woman. You have to be able to balance your checkbook, cook your meals, maintain your schedule, meet deadlines, stay in shape, and still have the energy to knock up or be knocked up to secure your bloodline. The people that don’t do that become Charles Darwin’s bitch. And reading Uncanny X-men, I get the sense that Brian Michael Bendis is trying to do overcompensate by making Drawin his bitch in ways that Kirk Cameron only dreams of. And the end result is pretty fucking awesome.

Uncanny X-men #6 didn’t just continue the story that Bendis has been developing with Magik and Dormammu for the past couple issues while exploring the mindset of a bunch of teenage mutants who have more pubic hair than experience. He established two new plots and found ways to make it mesh with the story he was already telling. We don’t just get yet another new mutant. We get some reactions from SHIELD, who were still clearly butthurt from the pwnage Cyclops gave them a few issues ago. But more importantly, we get a plan that brings Dazzler into the mix. Having thoroughly enjoyed her development in Xtreme X-men under Greg Pak, I’m just giddy like a chipmunk on crystal meth at the prospects of Bendis bringing her into Uncanny.

Very few writers can effectively balance multiple plots in a comic without it becoming an outright clusterfuck. Brian Michael Bendis is one of those few who can do so on a consistent basis and he’s been demonstrating that to great effect in both this series and All New X-men. He’s giving this team of X-men a very different set of circumstances compared to the All New X-men crew or even the previous Extinction Team. This is a team that isn’t seen as heroes, but Cyclops is still making an effort to do what he was trained to do by Charles Xavier. He’s trying to protect new mutants from the general douche-baggery of the world while teaching a new generation of mutants. Sure, he was the one that killed Xavier in a Phoenix-fueled rage, but if Wolverine can kill his own son and still rub elbows with Captain America, then I say bygones!

The balance in this issue was the highlight. However, there were some lowlights that kept it from being perfect. I usually don’t comment on the art of a book, but I’m really missing Chris Belecho’s style after seeing this issue. Not that it’s bad, but at times it looks link the inks were smeared with bull semen. Don’t ask me how I know what those smears look like. Also, certain scenes like Dormammu’s boasting made the story drag at times. It felt like it took way too fucking long for the team to get their act together and attack Dormammu. It’s like two drunks acting like they’re going to fight, but instead just stand around insulting each other’s’ mother. That’s okay for a bar fight. Not for a comic.

Overall, Uncanny X-men #6 maintains the high quality that Brian Michael Bendis has established with his X-books. That kind of consistency is rare in this day and age. The ADHD nature of comics, writers, and fans make consistent books as rare as a child star that doesn’t grow up to be a total fuck-up. I won’t say that Uncanny X-men is as awesome as Neil Patrick Harris, but I will say it’s in the same ballpark. I give Uncanny X-men #6 a 4 out of 5. If anything, we should take one vital lesson from this issue. Mind-fucking someone may be wrong in most circumstances, but it’s probably the only way to make a bunch of whiney teenagers into effective contributors. And for that, I deem it both justified and awesome. Nuff said!

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The Wolverine Trailer (And Why Movie Wolverine Is A Total Pussy)

It happened again today. Another trailer for another upcoming X-men movie came out. For me, that means one of two things. First, it means the executives at Fox are low on money for blow and hookers. Second, it means I need to stock up on hard liquor, weed, and Valium because every bit of news regarding X-men movies has made me want to shove C4 up my urethra, swallow several sticks of dynamite, and jump into a live volcano. But this is a blog about X-men and I wouldn't be a very responsible drunk of I didn't do a post about it.

First off, we already know what to expect with The Wolverine. If you've seen Batman Begins, you're not missing anything. Wolverine has suffered a huge loss, he's gone emo, he ditches the world he knows to find meaning, and ends up getting help from some stereotypical Asian guys. But unlike Batman, Wolverine does it in a way that somehow makes one of the most badass characters in the history of Marvel comics into a total pussy.

Let me start off by saying that I know I'm in the minority here. I am among those few X-men fans who absolutely hates the X-men movies. And I'm not just talking about Brett fucking Ratner or fucking Barakapool. I fucking hate Bryan Singer's movies. Yes, I know his movies paved the way for comic book movies everywhere. I know he's regularly praised for his brilliance and I do concede that he's done some great shit. I will gladly kiss his ass for the rest of my days for The Usual Suspects and House. But he's a fucking dipshit when it comes to comic book movies and he took X-men and butt-fucked it to a a point where the only good X-men movie we can get is X-men First Class, a movie that he was never involved in and didn't use his precious Wolverine.

This trailer in many ways highlights why Singer's X-men movies suck donkey balls and why there's no reason to hope that Days of Futures Past will be any better. First off, let's look at movie Wolverine and compare him to his comic counterpart. In the movies Wolverine meets up with the X-men, makes friends with Rogue, flirts with Jean, but then ditches the team at the end of the first movie. He comes back in the second movie, basically does jack shit aside from throw temper tantrums, tries to bone Jean Grey again, and basically distracts from every single side-plot. And in X3, he's supposed to now be teaching the team. He tries to bone Jean Grey again, but only ends up having to murder her ass and fails to keep Cyclops and Xavier from getting killed. And what does he do after all this tragedy? Well according to this trailer and the other trailer, he fucking leaves!

That's right. At a time when the X-men have lost Charles Xavier and two of the most capable X-men, he fucking up and leaves! And why? Because he's still pining for Jean Grey? Well here's one major detail that separates his boner for Jean in the movies compared to the comics. He knew Jean Grey for only a few days. I need to emphasize this. HE KNEW JEAN GREY FOR ONLY A FEW FUCKING DAYS! He left at the end of X1. She died at the end of X2 shortly after he returned. And she returned in X3 just so he could kill her. Yet somehow she's now the love of his fucking life? Never mind that they never got to hook up in the comics outside of AUs and never mind that she fucking married Cyclops, who was basically killed off to make room for Wolverine. How the fuck is Jean suddenly this epic love affair with Wolverine when he didn't even know the first thing about her? I mean look at X1 and X2. He had more screen time with Rogue than he did with Jean and now in this trailer he's having a vision of her? That's the kind of shit we expect from Edward Cullen. Not Wolverine.

On top of that, I need to reiterate something else. He fucking ditched the X-men at the end of X3! They are probably hurting a great deal after so many deaths, but he doesn't see fit to stick around and help? He just goes all emo and runs off to Japan? Since when the fuck did Wolverine, the badass hero who was supposed to have a sense of honor, get so sensitive that he just ditches a bunch of young mutants who need him badly because of some woman he barely fucking knew?! That's not badass. That's not just a dick move either. That's just being a flat out pissant little bitch!

Compare that with recent events in the comics. Professor Charles Xavier and Jean Grey died too. But in the comics, Wolverine actually stuck around and developed a close personal relationship with both. And when they did die with Jean in Planet X and Xavier in Avengers vs. X-men, he didn't fucking leave. He stayed with the X-men and became a leader even though he knows he's not good at it. Just read his fucking speech in Uncanny Avengers #1. That's fucking Wolverine. If that Wolverine met his movie version and found out that he just ditched the X-men, he wouldn't just murder his ass. He would piss on the remains.

Don't get me wrong. I love Hugh Jackman. I love Femke Jenssen. But the characters they played were fucked. Wolverine was a total fucking pussy. And Jean Grey in the movies was nothing more than a walking dick warmer for Wolverine that he never got to try out. And yet we're somehow supposed to respect him as this badass? I would respect a fucking Kardashian before I respect someone like that!

And I do blame Bryan Singer. He's the one who got the ball rolling on this shitty incarnation of Wolverine. He's the one who basically turned the X-men movies into glorified Wolverine movies and nothing more. And now he's the one trying to turn another epic X-men story, Days of Futures Past, into a movie. I have absolutely no confidence in him, nor do I have confidence in the future of X-men movies. I believe the only way this could ever be fixed is if Days of Futures Past becomes to X-men what Batman and Robin was to Batman movies. Bryan Singer needs to become the new Joel Shumacher so that he will never be allowed to touch another X-men movie, or comic book movie, until the end of time. He's already bombed on Jack the Giant Killer. Just one more bomb and he can be done with this shit so someone else can take over. At this point, I would give Joel Shumacher another shot at directing a comic book movie than I would Bryan Singer.

I get that this drunken rant is just that. A rant. I also know that Byran Singer is never going to read this shit and neither is Hugh Jackman or anyone at Fox. But I'm just putting it out there. Singer's X-men movies suck! His Wolverine sucks! His Jean Grey sucks! And this movie and Days of Futures Past is destined to suck if he keeps doing the same shit. And until that changes, I have no hope that we can ever have a decent X-men movie in the way. Instead, we're only going to be stuck with shit like this.

Nuff said!

Friday, May 17, 2013

Cable and X-Force #8 - Present and Future Awesome

I’ve often wondered what aliens would think of the human race if they ever visited Earth. Part of me thinks that they’ll incinerate the entire planet down to the sub-atomic scale the moment they see the first two seasons of the Jersey Shore and meet the likes of Andy Dick, Pat Robertson, and Kim Jong Un. But another part of me (usually the one that’s not sober) tries to have a more optimistic view of aliens. Maybe when they arrive they’ll be just as fond of football, beer, and boobs as men like me.

For that reason, I relate to the creepy yet cool alien that was introduced in the pages of Cable and X-Force #7. This alien, despite looking like a cross between a shaved monkey and a cold sore on Tommy Lee’s scrotum, comes off as the kind of alien I would have a beer with. When Domino and Boom Boom freed him in the previous issue, his first inclination wasn’t to vaporize them or use them in some twisted breeding experiment as most would be inclined to do. He ended up toying with them, laughing at their pitiful human remarks. So he chose to protect them as they escaped from a high security prison that Colossus was too chicken shit to leave. Plus, he did it while keeping Boom Boom in her bikini. You have to respect that on some levels.

An alien with a fondness for beautiful women in bikinis is just one aspect of Cable and X-Force that makes it appealing. Cable and his team are on the run from the authorities, the X-men, the Avengers, and the imaginary voices in Michelle Bachmann’s head. Yet the amount of fucks they do not give could not be measured with multiple universes. This is because Cable is having visions of the future and those visions are about as appealing as a weekend locked in an Indian public bathroom that hasn’t been cleaned in a decade. That is what led him to both break an alien out of prison and hijack one a ship from SWORD. Yeah, it’s that bad.

The future inches closer in Cable and X-Force #8 as our friendly, bikini-loving alien has Domino, Forge, Dr. Nemesis, and the bikini-clad Tabitha captured in his ship. As you might expect, SWORD is not very happy with this and sends a fleet of attack ships to confront him. But the alien isn’t as interested in them as he is his Domino. I admit she would probably draw my attention more than attacking space ships, depending on what she was or wasn’t wearing. The alien is genuinely curious. Why would X-Force free him when he has already dangerous enough to make it on Abigail Brand’s shit list. Then again she seems like the kind of woman who would put you on her shit list if you looked at her cross-eyed. So that’s still a pressing issue that hasn’t been resolved. But that doesn’t seem to bother Domino, nor should it. When you’ve got a rack like hers, not much should bother her.

Unfortunately for Cable, he doesn’t have a rack like Domino’s. That means he’s going to be bothered/pissed when he arrives at the now damaged prison to find out his team has been abducted by a potentially dangerous alien with a soft spot for pretty Earth women. He’s also going to be bothered/pissed when SWORD confronts him. They tend not to appreciate it when someone frees a dangerous prisoner under their guard. And since they confront him with a big fucking ship, he has no choice but to surrender. Even Colossus, who just stood around like a pussy while the alien got away, gets taken as well. Even if you’re not on Brand’s shit list, she’s not afraid to use the guilt-by-association approach.

Abigail Brand may be a harsh, unfair bitch, but she usually has reasons for being that way. Once she takes Cable and Colossus into custody, she goes through the trouble of explaining those reasons and unlike most vindictive women, they’re actually good ones. We finally find out just who this alien is and why he was locked up. His name is Kliktok the Cruel and aside from being guilty of having a goofy name, he’s also guilty of committing mass slaughter in 12 different star systems. Why? I assume the reason he gives amounts to “Fuck you and suck my six-foot alien dick.” And apparently SWORD had agreed to hold him so that other alien systems could debate on how the torture him to death. Because apparently, the alien justice system is as advanced as the Spanish Inquisition.

Sadly, this means that the alien that I thought I could have a beer with turned out to be a total genocidal asshole. I know I shouldn’t be too surprised, but one of these days I really hope Marvel introduces us to an alien that isn’t afraid to get drunk and fondle boobs. At least with this alien, we have a dangerous threat that only a group X-Force can deal with. You may be able to reason with mutant-hating bigots to a point, but not a genocidal alien. It helps answer a question that was a bit of a plot hole in the last issue and this certainly helps, although it means I’ll have to find someone else to share my beer with.

So Abigail Brand has a good excuse for being pissed. But what about Cable? Why the fuck would he want to free an asshole like Kliktok? Well he actually has a good excuse as well and to get the point across to someone of Brand’s bitchy inclinations, he uses his telepathy to show her part of that horrific vision of the future. And it actually fits in perfectly with the details Brand just gave. He reveals that the aliens that were fighting over how to torture Kliktok couldn’t hold their wad and decided to attack Earth, murder 6 million people, and then torture Kilktok. That essentially means that it’s Brand’s fault for agreeing to hold this alien asshole in the first place and by freeing him from his prison cell, Cable essentially took the target off of Earth.

Again, we finally have a few lingering plot holes filled. Cable’s visions of the future finally actually mean something other than, “we’re fucked and we have to do crazy shit that involves putting Tabitha in a bikini.” Not that I mind the bikini, but it really does help the story in a big way when these sorts of plot holes are filled in. Not only that, they make fucking sense. That means I can read this comic drunk and sober and still get it. And I always give extra points to that, almost as much as I give hot blonds in bikinis.

Since Brand really is the one that fucked up in the first place, she agrees to help Cable. She even lets him and Colossus ride along in her private space ship so that they can catch up with Kiktok and save the rest of the team. However, she makes it clear to them that she wants them punished for their bullshit. Never mind that they may have just saved 6 million lives. They still freed an alien prisoner and fucked up a secure prison. Not only that, they’re still wanted for the shit they pulled in the previous arc. It’s not a fair deal in the slightest, but it’s probably the fairest deal anyone will ever get from Abigail Brand without boning her.

Back with Kliktok, he’s still learning the intricacies of dealing with human women with a great rack. He’s starting to get hostile with Domino, although he hasn’t resorted to probing just yet (although I’m sure it’s on his list). But Domino keeps her cool in a way that just makes you love her even more. She really does shine while the rest of the team is out cold for most of the issue. She shows no fear in the face of an alien mass murderer and why should she? She always has luck on her side. And in this case it helps that Forge planted a bomb in Kliktok’s ship that goes off before he can take them into deep space for more extensive probing. It’s a great moment that feminists will love and men can still jerk off to.

And it isn’t just a bomb going off that Kilktok has to deal with. Now that his ship is crippled, he has to deal with Brand. Her ship is able to catch up with his and now he’s in deep shit once again. And for once, Colossus actually contributes this time in ways that don’t involve whining like a little prison bitch who ran out of band aids to stop the bleeding from his asshole. He still keeps droning on about how this shit is his fault. I’ve long since stopped trying to make sense of his whining, but what does make sense is throwing him into the vacuum of space and having him ram a hole right into Kliktok’s ship. They call it a Spaceball Special and it’s the first time Colossus has shown some testicular strength in quite a while.

Colossus helps add to his still damaged reputation by putting those big muscles of his to good use and beating the shit out of Kliktok. That alien dared to strangle a woman he recently boned. Even if he is a whiney little bitch now, you just don’t do that to a guy like Colossus. It’s a satisfying way to finally get Colossus involved in a story without him whining like a little bitch. He still has a long ways to go before I can respect him again, but this certainly helps.

With Kliktok down, they proceed to toss him to an incoming armada of alien ships. These were the same ships that Cable saw in his vision that would have torched Earth in the same way Sarah Palin torches nature preserves. So that effectively averts that horrible future while ensuring that Kliktok is fucked in whatever holes he has.

But there’s still the matter of X-Force having to turn themselves in after returning to Earth. Abigail Brand made it clear that she was not inclined to let them walk free. Well maybe the X-men would have shown some respect for the law, but these aren’t the X-men. They’re X-Force. They’re already fugitives. They are to SWORD what Mexican immigrants are to Lou Dobbs. And they’re not content to be deported back to prison cells. So in the most kind manner possible, they kick Abigail Brand out of her own ship. If they weren’t on her shit list before, they can be certain they are now near the very top.

Once X-Force ditches her, Brand calls SWORD so they can pick her up. But while floating in space, she also has time to phone the Uncanny Avengers. Because it’s not enough for her to just be pissed enough to make X-Force pay for their bullshit. She needs help making them regret being on her shit list. The first one she talks to is Havok, who Cable already pwned in the last arc. Well now he’s going to get another shot and he’ll also have the full faith and support of Abigail Brand. So even though Cable and X-Force saved 6 million lives, they’re still going to be treated like fugitives. That’s gratitude for you.

So I guess that Kliktok the Cruel wasn’t the kind of alien that guys like me could hang out and have a beer with. He’s yet another alien sociopath who likes to destroy entire worlds, piss on the ashes, and jerk off on the corpses. If real aliens had lobbyists, they would probably blacklist this book until the end of time. However, I’m perfectly fine with Kliktok not being one of those cool aliens I can hang out with. His role in this story and this overall arc came together perfectly in this issue. It may have taken a while, but Cable and X-Force #8 is officially the new high point of this series and I couldn’t be more satisfied.

Shit finally came together in a way that made a wonderful world of sense. We finally see the purpose behind Cable’s visions. We see why X-Force had to free this alien. We see why this alien was locked in a prison cell so deep that he was probably making Jimmy Hoffa his prison bitch. We see Colossus still being a whiney little bitch, yet he actually managed to contribute in a meaningful way. We even get to see Domino be her awesome self and with her clothes on no less. That’s quite an accomplishment for a series that started out more incoherent than my last trip to Amsterdam. Not only that, Tabitha stayed in her bikini. I definitely give this book bonus points for that.

When an arc comes together in such a nice, coherent way it brings a tear to my eye and a shot of tequila to my lips. But when an arc also offers some nice teasers for what the next story may be, more tears and more tequila start flowing. My liver my hate it, but my heart has priority in matters of comics. The Uncanny Avengers, a series that also has been improving lately, is about to get involved in a way that will most likely include Havok being a total douche-bag and X-Force pwning their asses. I know that shit has already been done in books like Uncanny X-men, but I’m still not sick of it so I’m still excited about it.

This book was concise, refined, and everything that I hoped it would be from the beginning. A killer alien and visions of the future is a great backdrop for X-Force. If this book does have a flaw, it’s Abigail Brand being too nice at times in helping Cable. That and Colossus heaping all this needless guilt on himself is getting old fast. If he just spent a little more time between Domino’s legs, he might actually salvage parts of his balls. But he hasn’t and because of that he’s still like that guy at a party who only drinks light beer. Never-the-less, Cable and X-Force #8 is by far the best issue to date thus far. I give it a 4.5 out of 5. Maybe one day X-Force will meet an alien that is fun to hang out with and will also keep Tabitha in her bikini. But until that day, let’s just hope that aliens don’t make friends with Al Sharpton. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue #75: Renegade PREVIEW and New Character Revealed!

The X-men Supreme fanfiction series is nearing yet another milestone. The 75th issue of this epic fanfiction series is almost here! It still amazes me that X-men Supreme has been going on for this long. Watching this series unfold before my eyes has been an amazing experience and I hope those who have been following this fanfiction series feel the same way. As X-men Supreme has unfolded, I've explored many familiar characters and even a few not-so-familiar characters from the world of X-men and Marvel comics. There are still plenty more I've yet to introduce, but so far I haven't attempted to create any characters of my own for this fanfiction series. Well with the 75th issue, that changes.

One of the most difficult challenges in fanfiction is creating good original characters that help complement the story and don't detract from it. I've read many stories over the years that have attempted to create original characters and most of the time they fail. They either become too Gary Stu/Mary Sue or they completely distract from the other characters. I get that writers of all kinds are very passionate about the characters they create on their own, but the characters themselves can't be come the sole focus of the story. And that's going to be the challenge for X-men Supreme as I introduce not one but two original characters that you won't find anywhere outside the X-men Supreme fanfiction series.

These characters are not those who will take sides immediately. They are characters who are a direct result of the recent events in X-men Supreme Volume 4: Politics of Fear. With President Robert Kelly now in office and eager to confront the mutant menace, many are going to be vying for his influence. Men like Reverend William Stryker already have a tenuous place in his inner circle and that someone is going to have a bold agenda. What lies ahead for the X-men and the new President will shape the course of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series moving forward. For a brief peak at what you can expect, check out this extended preview that introduces a brand new character to the world of X-men Supreme!

“Nice job, Mr. President. I think that went well,” said his Director of the Interior.

“Yes, I think the people will respond favorably to you asserting more control on the military,” said his female public relations officer, “Polls show that the majority of the public are wary of the military acting without restraint on Genosha.”

“I’m glad they’re happy. I don’t think I’ll be able to say the same to my military advisers,” said President Kelly as he loosened his tie, “I’ll probably make a few enemies by halting their plans.”

“They’ve grown too comfortable dealing with a weak president,” said his chief of staff, “It’s better you do this now and assert your strength. It’ll embolden our efforts to get the new mutant legislation passed in the long run.”

“I hope so, but I doubt that’ll be nearly as easy. None of my supporters seem to like some of the amendments I’ve made to the Mutant Registration Act.”

“Give it time, sir. You’ll just have to do what all good politicians do and persuade them that this way is the best way to move forward,” said another one of his assistants.

They made it sound so easy. None of them were wrestling with political opponents, media pundits, and a mutant son. They had no idea how hard this process was. President Kelly already found himself proceeding more carefully than he originally intended. As much as he hated to admit it, the pundits were right to believe his son had something to do with it. But that wasn’t going to stop him from combating the mutant issue. He was just going to have to go about it more carefully than his critics were comfortable with.

Chief among those critics was Reverend William Stryker. While the rest of the President’s advisers showed approval for his speech, he remained in the corner along with a few of his disgruntled military advisers. They were among those  who weren’t getting along with the new president as well as they had hoped.

“Moving forward? More like reversing course,” scoffed Stryker, “Tell me, does becoming president turn everybody into such an unprincipled farce?”

“Speak for yourself, Reverend. You weren’t the one who had to reprimand ten irate military officers,” said the Secretary of Defense, who had been looking upon the new president with equal disdain, “I took this job because I honestly thought he was going to confront Magneto. All he’s doing is giving our enemies greater opportunity to act.”

“So much for personal loyalty,” muttered the reverend, “I go through all that trouble to downplay that incident during the Inauguration Day ceremony and now he won’t even consider my objections to these amendments of his.”

“I’m still can’t believe you pulled that off, but you have my gratitude. I can’t tell you how rough it was getting Stryfe into custody. I had to call another favor from White Cell again to send him to NORAD. The damn freak wouldn’t stop ranting and rambling about wars the whole way.”

“A prelude of things to come, I’m sure,” said Stryker, “The question long can he keep this up without suffering the inevitable backlash? It’s going to look mighty unpleasant when his so-called comprehensive reform on the mutant issue fails to stop the spread of wickedness.”

“If he doesn’t find a way to regain the trust of his military, it’s going to be even more than unpleasant. A disgruntled army and growing outside threats are the key ingredients to bringing down any superpower.”

“God help us all if Robert doesn’t grow a spine and stand up to the wicked.”

Reverend Stryker’s gaze hardened as he, the Secretary of Defense, and various other military officials watched President Kelly go over the speech with his advisers. As much as he wanted to walk over and tell him how flawed his speech truly was, he understood that his status here was fragile. He didn’t officially have a position on the President’s staff. He was basically just another adviser that was entirely expendable. He simply couldn’t risk his position in the White House at this point.

While the Reverend and the Secretary of Defense watched from afar, the door to the Oval Office opened and a new figure walked in bearing a full military uniform that denoted a high rank. Nearly every military official tensed at his presence, even the Secretary of Defense.

“Ooh boy, looks like God sent help of a different kind,” said the secretary.

“What do you mean? Who is that?” said Stryker suspiciously.

“Someone who is going to make our jobs a hell of a lot tougher,” he answered ominously.

Reverend Stryker’s gaze narrowed on the new figure while the rest of the defense staff remained tense. They watched as this highly decorated military officer practically barged past President Kelly’s advisers and addressed him.

“Mr. President, I need to speak with you,” he said in a tone that commanded respect even from the leader of the free world.

“And who might you be? I don’t remember seeing you on my defense staff,” replied the President.

“That’s because I’m not part of your staff…not at the moment, anyways,” he replied, “My name is General Nathan Grimshaw.”

“Grimshaw? Why does that sound familiar?” said Kelly suspiciously.

“Trust me, you’ve heard it before. And if it’s not too much trouble, I need you to wrap this up and meet me in the War Room immediately. There is a new development on Genosha that demands our immediate attention.”

Making an original character for the X-men Supreme fanfiction series is definitely going to be a challenge. I'm under no illusions that some fans may not like these characters or my efforts to inject my own creations into X-men. I understand that. But I hope that readers out there will give these characters a chance to help further the stories of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. And since these characters are my own creations, I sincerely hope that some will take the time to provide feedback or contact me if they have any concerns. I really do want to make this work and I'm open to any kind of suggestion or input that will help the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. Until next time, take care and best wishes, true believers! Excelsior!


Thursday, May 16, 2013

All New X-men #15 Cover (Warning: Will Make You Sick)

I try not to give much stock to covers of comics. I know they're basically just a miniature billboard from companies that say, "Hey! Buy me no matter how shitty the contents may be!" But every now and then a cover comes along that is too sickening to ignore. Case and point, All New X-men #15

I just threw up through my eyes.
Yeah, that's Beast and Jean. I'm disgusted too. I've imagined many sick things while jerking off while high on blow. But this is too sick. I've got nothing against Beast. I've got nothing against Jean Grey. But them together is just wrong and that's coming from a drunk that swallowed a piece of already chewed cum that he took from a strippers snatch.

This is what the soliciation says:

• Love is in the air!
• Cyclops heart and future start to fade before his eyes.
32 PGS./Rated T+ …$3.99

So basically, it amounts to Bendis torturing O5 Cyclops. All those years of him banging Emma Frost and karma has to come back to fuck with him at some point. That said, this is the kind of shit I worried about when All New X-men was announced. By fucking with the time stream, Bendis could continue the trend of writers having utter disdain for established relationships like Cyclops/Jean or Peter/Mary Jane. Throwing two characters together like this isn't just wrong. It's the kind of shit that makes you think less of people, both fictional and otherwise. Beast knows Jean is in a fucked up place and he knows outright that Cyclops loves her. Hooking up with Jean would be a dick move on par with fucking up the space time continuum. Not only that, he was the same asshole yelling at Cyclops in the first issue of All New X-men.

In addition, this issue is supposed to be the issue where O5 Jean finally confronts Rachel Grey according to Bendis. We don't know what that meeting will entail, but given how shit like this has been avoided it would be pretty fucked up if it got glossed over. However, Marvel has a talent for glossing over shit that boarders insanity so I wouldn't put anything past them.

Maybe these are just my own fucked up tastes, but this kiss along with an issue dedicated to breaking Cyclops's heart sounds like the kind of shit that would undo all the good that All New X-men has done under Bendis since it began. And that would be a fucking tragedy on the level of the Hindenburg. I can only take some comfort in the knowledge that covers can often be deceptive.

Suck it, KKK!
Yeah, this is the best recent example. That kiss is very misleading in that it didn't exactly happen the way you think. I could go into details, but I'm too drunk and I still have vomit on my shirt. But there was also this.

Suck it, Hefner!
This amounted to nothing as well. And in the long run it did jack shit. I hope this is the case with this cover and I hope Bendis won't take the One More Day approach with Jean Grey. We already saw how shitty that can turn out in the pages of X-men Forever, a series that got canceled early. For a series on the level of All New X-men, we don't need that kind of bullshit. Nuff said!