Heart, Soul, and Zombies: New Mutants Dead Souls #1

The following is my review of New Mutants Dead Souls #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

From a purely pragmatic standpoint, teenagers are uniquely qualified to take on paranormal threats. Most adults, be they ordinary people or iconic superheroes, have a certain level of life experience to forge what they see as a sense of normal. It's part of the basic maturation process. As kids grow into adults, they refine their perspectives into what they consider rational, balanced, and proper.

That may serve them well in function within an ordinary, civilized society. As soon as demons and paranormal monsters enter the picture, those mature people are more likely to buckle under the pressure. Teenagers can be irrational and melodramatic, but by lacking a secure grasp on the real world, they're actually more capable when it comes to facing paranormal threats. This plays out in many memorable ways throughout Chris Claremont's initial in New Mutants. Matthew Rosenberg now attempts to do the same with New Mutants Dead Souls.

In terms of timing, the market is ripe for teen mutants fighting paranormal threats. Rosenberg is coming off a successful stint with Phoenix Resurrection and with the cancellation of Christina Strain's Generation X series, there is an opening for stories centered around teenage mutants taking on the kinds of threats that would overwhelm functioning adults. If those threats involve paranormal creatures that require the leadership of Magik, a teenage girl with a colorful history that involves demons, then the potential entertainment value is beyond dispute.

X-men comics are well-known for providing unique opportunities for young mutants to establish themselves. In a world still populated by time travelers and refugees from dystopian futures, those opportunities are important. New Mutants Dead Souls #1 establishes a new team with familiar faces to take on the kind of threats that often pass under the radar for most X-men. That doesn't imply that paranormal threats are less important. It just acknowledges that mutants are more likely to get attacked by killer robots than demons.

The makeup of the team also acknowledges that some X-men that attract paranormal threats more than others. The fact the team is led by Magik proves that Rosenberg understands what makes the New Mutants unique. Any team of mutants can come together and fight giant robots. It takes a special team with a demon-loving teenage girl as leader to come together and fight paranormal threats. New Mutants Dead Souls #1 doesn't attempt to complicate the concept or overlook the appeal. Anyone just looking to see mutants fighting monsters will get what they want.

Magik's team, which consists of Rictor, Boom-Boom, Strong Guy, and Wolfsbane, is full of familiar names for New Mutants. They're young, immature, and don't hesitate to fight back when someone throws an empty bottle at them. When the threats are paranormal and there's more room for recklessness, that's both expected and refreshing. In the case of New Mutants Dead Souls #1 the threat involves zombies and when it comes to the undead, reckless is most prudent approach, even though it tends to get messy.

The specifics of the threat start off basic. There's a small town in Alabama that sustained heavy casualties due to a hurricane. Some of those casualties died, but didn't stay dead. It's a localized issue that isn't quite on the level of requiring the Avengers to assemble in full force, but it warrants enough concern to send a team of team of teenage mutants right into the heart of the conflict. It's simple enough to challenge the New Mutants while also maximizing their youthful recklessness.

It's not too simple in terms of story, though. This zombie attack doesn't just happen because those corpses all made deals with Mephisto. There's a reason why the dead are rising and that's what the New Mutants have to figure out, but not before battling a horde of zombies that allows Adam Gorham's art to maximize the paranormal ambience. It has the feel of both a horror story and a superhero story, which proves to be a potent combination in terms of raw entertainment value.

There's plenty of setup and tense exchanges, but there's plenty of memorable action-packed moments that are every bit as satisfying as the best moments on The Walking Dead. There's Magik cutting zombies up with her sword, Boom-Boom blowing them up with cherry bombs, and Strong Guy ripping them apart. It's visceral and brutal, but what makes it uniquely satisfying is how it gets resolved.

It's not one of those conflicts that only ends when the last zombie gets its head blown off. There are other forces at work driving the attack and those forces aren't as obvious as someone having worked for the Umbrella Corporation. It's a mystery, but not one that requires much sleuthing. When one of the members on that team spends much of her spare time with demons, the traditional sleuthing process is both tedious and unnecessary.

While the final resolution does come off as a bit rushed, as do other parts of the story, New Mutants Dead Souls #1 is one of those stories that doesn't try too hard to set up future conflicts or over-emphasize the first. It still takes some time to do a little world-building, establishing some infrastructure with the team. They have a base of operations. They have a larger mission and that mission is something even a team of teenage mutants can get behind.

It makes for a story that feels complete and dense. A lot happens quickly. Even when it's a bit too quick in some areas, it still comes together in a concise, coherent manner. It's less an origin story and more a reminder, one that belabors how Chris Claremont's idea of having teenage mutants take on paranormal threats can be fun and entertaining. Rosenberg and Gorham take that idea and run with it, establishing a unique appeal with a colorful cast of characters that is sure to attract more than just zombies. Teenage mutants or not, that appeals to every age group on some levels.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Extraordinary X-men #9: Nuff Said!

Being a horseman for Apocalypse is kind of like being the guy who cleans up after an orgy. It’s a dirty, thankless job, but one that deserves respect. Apocalypse is to X-men what porn is to the internet. They’re inextricably linked and not just because Oscar Isaac will soon be able to seduce both Star Wars fans and X-men fans.

Whenever shit goes bad for the X-men, Apocalypse is there to make it worse. When shit is going good for the X-men, as rare as that might be, Apocalypse is there to fuck it up. He’s the living embodiment of Mondays, hangovers, and Brett Ratner for the X-men. Now, he’s set up shop in another dystopian future since the X-men can never have too much of those. I’m just going to mark the ways in which Apocalypse gives this dystopian future his personal touch in Extraordinary X-men #9. I doubt it’ll be as memorable as Age of Apocalypse, but since this isn’t 1995, I’m okay with that.

That said, did Age of Apocalypse have a big ass temple shaped like Apocalypse’s head? I think not. Take that, 1995! In a flashback to the moment when Colossus and a team of D-list X-men nobody gives more than half-a-shit about first arrived, this is the first thing they say. Compared to some of the other dystopian futures they’ve seen, it could be worse.

They quickly figure out that mutants aren’t just fucked in this dystopian future. They’re dead. Not near extinction, not dying, not sick. Fucking dead. Apocalypse said they had their shot. They should’ve been a bunch of xenophobic, slave-owning, elitists like the Inhumans. As such, Apocalypse determined, probably with the aid of Disney lawyers, that mutants had to go and they did. And Apocalypse isn’t known for making exceptions and that includes time travelers.

Enter Apocalypse’s horsemen, who we met in the first issue. They see mutants they’re like exterminators who just found out they missed a few rats. They know Apocalypse is a neat freak when it comes to the gene pool. That means Colossus and these kids need to be as dead as Josh Trank’s directing career. It leads to a quick, somewhat rushed fight, but that’s kind of fitting. These aren’t the X-men’s heavy hitters. This is Colossus and a bunch of kids on a field trip. They couldn’t be less equipped without bringing feather dusters and dildos to this battle.

Being the heroic communist he is, Colossus helps the kids get away while he takes on Apocalypse’s horsemen himself. These are the same horsemen Apocalypse empowers to give natural selection a meth-fueled kick. So even if we hadn’t known he failed miserably in the previous issue, I doubt even Rocky Balboa would’ve bothered cheering for him here.

This means this story is going to be driven by Glob Herman, Ernst, Anole, and No Girl from here on out. I’ll give those who don’t read an X-men comic that doesn’t involve Wolverine stabbing something a moment to get their shit and leave. For those who stay, it’s not nearly as bland as it sounds. These may be D-listers, but they’re of the lovable variety. They’re like the opposite of Kid Omega and Hope fucking Summers.

They find out that in this future, Apocalypse as created these little dome-like cities that he totally ripped off from Kandor. These cities contain those who he deems fit for survival. I imagine that process was almost as intensive as a typical top 10 pick in the NFL draft. So unless there’s a Peyton Manning on their team, they’re fucked.

Flash forward a couple of days and the D-listers start exploring these worlds. One of them is Magika, a world where all of Marvel’s magical creatures dwell. It’s basically Harry Potter, My Little Pony, and Frozen. It seems so fanciful. They even meet a cute little creature named Moogum. Sure, he says mutants are already damned to the deepest pits of Brett Ratner’s septic tank, but he’s still cute.

Well, he doesn’t exactly stay that way. At first, Moogum pretends to help them. Then he reveals his true agenda. No, it’s not some elaborate conspiracy out of a shitty Dan Brown novel. Moogum just wants to eat them. Is it crude? Hell yeah. But does it make for some fun chase scenes you’ll never see in Scooby Doo? Hell yeah. It’s not an epic battle, but it shouldn’t be. This isn’t Wolverine on a drinking binge in New Orleans. These are D-list X-men who haven’t even fought evil clones yet. They’re still working their way up.

More time passes. Anole, Glob, Ernst, and No Girl keep traversing these worlds. Along the way, Glob laments how he’ll die a virgin and how he’ll never get a chance to lose it to Jean Grey. It may sound fucked up, but I won’t lie. I’d probably think the same in Glob’s position. I would also lament if I never saw Emma’s tits, but that’s just me.

They eventually end up in a world run by Iron Man robots that call themselves Stark-self. They’re basically what’s left of Tony Stark, who has been long dead, most likely due to liver disease or rectal trauma. He’s not exactly a friendly face, but after facing a kid-eating monster like Moogum, it’s an improvement. How sad is that? A killer robot is an improvement for a group of teenage X-men?

This time, the fleet of Iron Man robots don’t try to kill the X-men or try to shoot the Phoenix Force with a big ass gun. Instead, Stark-Self actually provides some valuable insight into what’s going on in this umpteenth fucked up dystopian future. Earth is basically no more. Apocalypse held these big ass trials in the past and basically cut out the parts of Earth that were worthy of survival and killed the rest. That means the Atlanteans, the Wakandans, the mystics, and Stark-Self survived. And yeah, even the fucking Inhumans survived. That’s right. Those xenophobic, slave-owning, Game of Thrones wannabes got to survive. Disney’s lawyers are just that powerful.

Aside from Apocalypse’s agenda-driven criteria, this is basically all that’s left of Earth. And mutants were determined long ago, with little debate with lawyers, to be unfit. So there’s no Phoenix Force or Secret War to save them. They just fucking die. Pretty sure everyone at Marvel Studios jerks off to that idea every night. But these young X-men manage to remind Stark-self that he was once a friend to the X-men. Sure, he shot a giant gun at the Phoenix Force and did jack shit when they were going extinct, but he was still a friend. Guilting a robot in a dystopian future into helping them is basically what the X-men have been reduced to and since Stark’s robots are slightly more advanced then dumb-ass Sentinels, they agree to help.

That’s not to say Stark-self offers to help these vulnerable kids fight for survival. That would be too generous, even for a living and sober Tony Stark. Instead, they provide No-Girl with a new robot body and send them off into other worlds. This leads to a nice training montage of sorts. It shows days, weeks, and months passing as these D-list X-men survive with an aptitude worthy of a C-plus, if not a B-minus. It’s not going to put them in the same league that will allow them to look at Storm’s ass or flirt with Jean Grey, but they definitely make the case that they at least deserve a chance.

It’s the kind of development we don’t see enough of these days, D-list characters moving up a grade. The Kamala Khans and Miles Morales of the world are exceptions, not the norms, and they got to build on brands that were already there. These kids have never worn an X-men uniform, never been turned into living weapons, and never got to team up with Deadpool. So seeing them grow into survivors is satisfying in a special sort of way. Sure, it’s kind of rushed, but it has to be.

And moments like Anole pointing out how Mole Men survive this world, but not mutants is incredibly poignant and incredibly said. It’s another testament to the current state of mutants for Marvel.

Finally, we reach the present time. The flashbacks and flash forward are over. The D-listers finally catch up with the A-listers. Now, they can start battling Apocalypse’s horsemen and it feels like a fair fight. This time, it definitely has all the makings of an epic clash. The X-men versus Apocalypse’s horsemen is like Wonder Woman and Power Girl in an oil wrestling contest. It’s hard to set up something that has the potential to be just that awesome. Now the rest of the X-men know that this is all that’s left of the world and Apocalypse is the dick that stuck it that world.

While the setup is epic, the details are somewhat light. But that’s not to say it’s rushed. That’s not even to say it’s finished. This is just the beginning of the battle. It doesn’t try to finish everything too quickly. There’s no comic equivalent of premature ejaculation, at least not yet. We just now know what led to this moment and how fucked this future is. No dystopian future is going to surprise any self-respecting X-men fan at this point, but context certainly helps.

The only other context this battle offers is just how overmatched the X-men are. Even with their A-listers, they’re in a fractured, fucked up world where Apocalypse has already purged mutants from existence in ways Disney executives can only jerk off to. So even with Storm leading the charge, she doesn’t exactly have the X-men in the strongest position to take on Apocalypse. She doesn’t overtly blame Cyclops for this, but you can tell she’s probably thinking it. In fact, I imagine everyone on the team will come up with at least six different ways to blame Cyclops for Apocalypse Wars when all is said and done.

So...is it awesome?

Well this issue fills in some blanks. It explores some colorful, fanciful worlds that can’t usually be explored without tripping balls on LSD. But in the spirit of 4/20 and all the stoners who celebrate it, I think that’s appropriate. In terms of actually moving the story forward and getting us closer to another classic clash between X-men and Apocalypse, Extraordinary X-men #9 doesn’t do much. Like the last 30 years of this country’s drug laws, the effect is limited. Unlike drug laws though, there is some meaningful contribution.

Jeff Lemire isn’t just letting the X-men’s heavy hitters flex their nuts. He’s getting D-list X-men characters and giving them a chance to join the C-list. After reading Extraordinary X-men #9, I can’t honestly say that these characters have failed miserably. Now I’m not saying Glob Herman or Ernst are going to be on Bryan Singer’s short list for future X-men movies, but they at least deserve some credit at a time when fucking Squirrel Girl gets her own series.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Apocalyptic Catalyst: Extraordinary X-men #8

The following is my review of Extraordinary X-men #8, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

We’ve all had times in our lives where we wish we had a time machine, a fast-forward button, or a mute button. Experiences like divorce, tax audits, and puberty often remind us that time is quite merciless when it comes to revealing our fate. The X-men understand this better than most. While the timeline might be more flexible in the Marvel universe, it tends to be double-decker highway where nearly every exit leads to yet another apocalyptic future.

The argument could be made that the present time in Extraordinary X-men qualifies as an apocalyptic future and it doesn’t take a strong legal team to prove it. As it stands, the X-men have been exiled from their own world, forced to relocate to the demon-infested realm of Limbo. Sadly enough, Limbo is safer for mutants than the current Marvel Universe thanks to the influence of the Inhumans, the Terrigen Mists, and Fox’s army of lawyers. On top of that, mutants have been sterilized yet again. This comes shortly after the X-men fought so hard to kick-start the growth of their species again. So not only is the present time somewhat apocalyptic, it’s downright regressive.

This is the situation the X-men find themselves in as Apocalypse Wars unfolds, beginning with Extraordinary X-men #8. Jeff Lemire spent the first couple arcs assembling a team of X-men who have to navigate this semi-apocalyptic present in hopes of avoiding a fully-apocalyptic future. Fittingly enough, and not just because it coincides with a movie, Apocalypse himself becomes involved in this struggle. It’s a struggle that will involve more time travel and timeline tampering, but so long as it doesn’t involve clones or cosmic forces, there’s still a chance it can be coherent to an acceptable degree.

The story, as a whole, manages to avoid getting overly convoluted. Jeff Lemire keeps things simple and concise in igniting the conflict that instigates Apocalypse Wars. He utilizes familiar characters who have a history with Apocalypse, namely Sugar Man. He builds on the dynamics between characters established in previous arcs, namely those among Colossus and a few young, D-list caliber X-men. All the right ingredients are there. The final product just feels undercooked.

The strength of Extraordinary X-men as a whole is built around character drama during times of crisis. From a purely logistical standpoint, the crisis for the X-men couldn’t get much worse. Any crisis where a demon-infested realm is considered a safe haven is a special category of bad. Beyond the logistics, however, the crisis helps bring out sentiment within certain characters that probably wouldn’t arise if mutants, humans, and Inhumans were holding hands and singing U2 songs.

In this case, it’s Storm whose sentiment helps convey the emotional undertone of Apocalypse Wars. She’s the reluctant leader of the X-men now with Charles Xavier, Wolverine, and Cyclops dead. Being a reluctant leader, she laments about the future of mutants in a world where Inhumans get to cut to the front of the line at Disney World and mutants are kicked out for light coughing. She’s not focused or determined like Cyclops. She’s not a wise visionary like Charles Xavier. She’s very much conflicted about how and where she’s leading the X-men. It brings out the best in Storm, but also reflects just how bad it has gotten for the X-men as a whole.

Storm’s emotional undertones quickly give way to the main conflict in Extraordinary X-men #8. At first, it doesn’t seem all that apocalyptic. It involves Sugar Man, a nightmarish version of Pac Man who has never been more than visual or physical inconvenience to the X-men. However, Hamberto Ramos manages to make this conflict feel exciting beyond the typical formula of apocalyptic trash talk mixed with flashy backdrops.

What helps gives this clash a few extra dimensions of intrigue is the cast that gets involved. Storm and the heavy hitters of the X-men eventually do show up, but it’s the team of D-list rookies that include Anole, No Girl, Ernst, and Glob Herman that get to throw the first punch. They went on this mission not expecting to deal with Sugar Man, time machines, or apocalyptic futures. If they’re going to be more than rookies in the X-men, then it’s something they better get used to quickly.

They don’t get much time to adapt because the time travel elements soon enter the story. This is where things start to get apocalyptic with Extraordinary X-men #8. The details are minor and a bit rushed, but the presence of these young, inexperienced X-men creates different stakes that can’t easily be matched in an Inhumans comic.

These younger X-men figuratively, and quite literally as the story unfolds, have to gain the kind of experience that equips them to take on threats like Apocalypse. They don’t get a chance to show that experience, but they at least promise to help rather than obstruct their elder X-men, which would be a novelty for X-men comics of the past few years.

It used to be a primary theme, taking younger mutants and molding them into X-men. That theme fell to the wayside once time travel and sterilization plots got involved. Having D-list X-men work their way up to the C-list gives Apocalypse Wars a welcome dynamic. They don’t get to cut off Sugar Man’s tongue like Old Man Logan, but they hint that they’re not that far off from having that honor.

The structure of the story in Extraordinary X-men #8 is functional and concise. However, it still suffers from a lack of refinement, which has plagued the series since it began. The plot feels rushed and lacking in detail. There’s no major revelation or insight that gives added weight to the story. In terms of impact, it’s downright monotone. It’s like trying to get excited for vanilla ice cream with no toppings. It’s palatable, but not all that savory.

These shortcomings don’t derail Apocalypse Wars. Extraordinary X-men #8 isn’t meant to deliver the knock-out punch for this event. It’s just meant to get the story to strap on the gloves and get in a few light jabs. The fact it can land some of those jabs in yet another story about time travel and dystopian futures is an accomplishment in and of itself.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Extraordinary X-men #8: Nuff Said!

Don’t lie. There are times in your life where you wish you had a time machine, a fast-forward button, or even a mute button. Who among us doesn’t wish they could’ve skipped through most of high school with their soul intact? Well, it’s not a longing fantasy for the X-men. They’ve been involved in so much time travel bullshit that they probably have their own support group, complete with PSA announcements.

Time Travel has almost never worked out for the X-men, but it was vital in undoing X3 from the movies so it’s not without merit. Now, with Apocalypse Wars starting in Extraordinary X-men #8, the X-men are willing to gamble that fucking with the time stream will help them unfuck themselves. Short of going back in time and mind-fucking every lawyer Fox ever employed, the chances are slim at best.

And who has the unenviable task of playing these shitty odds? It’s Storm. At the very least, if the odds kick her ass, she’s able to lose with grace and sex appeal. Ask Hallie Berry about how important that is. She’s still musing over how fucked the mutant race is and how she’s trying to keep the school going, despite being stuck in Limbo. She worries that mutants will go down in history as a rectal wart on humanity while the Inhumans will go down as an extra breast. It’s not an unreasonable concern.

Old Man Logan shows up to help share those concerns. It leads to a moment with all sorts of wonderful feels, and not just the kind you feel in your pants. It’s the first time Old Man Logan dares to get a little closer to his new teammates, which is saying something since he fucking killed these same teammates in his world. But the moment has with Storm is so sweet and not just because it’s dripping with romantic and sexual tension. Yeah, Old Man Logan is an old fart, but he’s an old fart with a functioning dick.

It’s one of the few times this series actually makes a relevant connection to the X-men comics that came before the entire mutant race was fucked over off-panel. Storm and Wolverine were romantically involved before Wolverine’s death. Now here she is, facing a non-clone version of the man she loved. It’s a powerful moment, at least until Forge comes in to cock-block Old Man Logan. I’m pretty sure he can expect to be missing a nut if this becomes a trend.

Cock blocking aside, Forge does have important news to share. He reveals that Cerebra detected about 600 fresh mutant signatures. In a world where the giant Inhuman fart known as the Terrigen Mist is killing their kind, this is pretty fucking important. They don’t know how it’s happening. They don’t know if it’s some Inhuman prank done in obscenely poor taste, but it’s something they need to investigate. And since the odds are already shitty enough, Storm decides to send some of the younger mutants with the team.

Now on the surface, this sounds like one of those moves that Peter Parker would make when a clone of Gwen Stacy is flashing him her tits. But keep in mind, the X-men are stretched thin and low on manpower. They can’t exactly have students wasting time learning advanced math and 18^th century French poetry. They need to get off their asses and fucking contribute, which will already put them above 90 percent of the college students I’ve known.

The team that ends up investigating consists of Colossus, Glob Herman, Anole, Ernst, and No Girl. They’re basically a scout team with a first stringer whose only role is to stop them from fucking up too bad. It’s not as good a role as being Domino’s personal gigolo, but I’m sure Colossus will take it.

They arrive in Tokyo where mutants and giant robots aren’t even the 10^th weirdest thing people see on a daily basis, nor is it the most inconvenient. Anyone who has been on a Tokyo subway can confirm this. So there are no riots or pitchforks to worry about. They can just focus on finding the source of the new mutants.

So what will they find? Will it be a warehouse of 600 mutant underwear models whose powers force them to stay naked? Sorry, but like I said, the odds the X-men are dealing with are totally fucked. They end up finding Sugar Man hiding out in some Japanese wharf. And anyone who knows Sugar Man, also known as butt-ugly version of Pac Man, knows that he’s usually the first warning that Apocalypse is about to fuck shit up.

It’s not exactly a meth-fueled Magneto so I’d say he’s still a reasonable threat for the young X-men to take on. It leads to some decent action that involves Sugar Man getting attacked by Colossus and a Sentinel. It’s not exactly an epic brawl that will teach these young X-men valuable lessons in ass-kicking. Remember, Sugar Man is the preseason. Apocalypse is the fucking Super Bowl.

Even if he is a nightmare version of Pac Man, Sugar Man does reveal he’s fighting for something important. He managed to isolate 600 mutant embryos in isolation from the big Inhuman farts plaguing the world. So that explains the mutant signatures and why he’s being uglier than usual in protecting them. It’s probably the best thing he could’ve done for mutant kind without making Emma Frost’s tits bigger.

The problem is the attack by the X-men triggered a failsafe for the embryos. He might be ugly and evil as fuck, but he understands the value of having a backup. So he set a machine to send his embryos somewhere safer than even Rick Santroum could ever imagine. Assuming, of course, his concept for safety is every bit as fucked as Rick Santorum’s, Colossus and the young X-men try to stop it. Again, the X-men’s shitty luck and shittier odds work against them.

Cerebra manages to get out a distress call to the rest of the X-men. In short order, this brings in Magik, Storm, Iceman, O5 Jean, Old Man Logan, Forge, and Nightcrawler. Now it’s a bunch of pro bowlers playing against a bunch of pre-season waiver pickups. That means Sugar Man is fucked and he doesn’t realize it in time to stop Old Man Logan from chopping his tongue off. Is it gross? Yes. Is it satisfying as hell to see someone like Sugar Man silenced so violently? Hell yes.

Unfortunately, cutting Sugar Man’s tongue off doesn’t stop the machine. The X-men are a long ways away from ever being that lucky. So instead, the machine goes off and Colossus’ team disappears, along with the 600 mutant embryos. They disappear, but since they’re not Cyclops, they’re not going to just get fucked over off-panel. I’m sure Marvel is saving that for some other bullshit retcon.

A quick scan of Sugar Man’s disgusting mind reveals that he sent the embryos to the future because I guess they don’t have Dr. Who reruns in Age of Apocalypse. It is dystopian, after all. Since being stuck in the future tends to suck elephant balls, as the O5 X-men can attest, they decide to go to the future to get him. Forge hot wires the machine while Magik is forced to stay behind. They need someone to watch over the Jean Grey Institute, which is still stuck in Limbo. It might as well be someone who is disturbingly comfortable around demons.

Some LSD-inspired artwork gives us a decent time travel sequence. When it passes and everyone’s brain’s stop melting, the X-men find themselves approximately 1,000 years in the future. They’re in an I Am Legends version of New York City, minus the vampire creatures. Since there are no flying cars or mutant/Inhuman love fests in the streets, it’s safe to assume this future is dystopian on some level.

They do catch up with Glob, Anole, and No Girl. However, it turns out that they fucked the timeline a little too hard and they ended up being stuck in the future for years. So now they’re grown up, older, and a lot less cute. But they don’t exactly show that they’ve matured much in however much time has passed. That might be too jarring, even in a series built on a foundation of bullshit retcons.

There is one notable absence though. Colossus is missing. So what the fuck happened to him? Well, since the X-men’s luck is so fucked, they find out the hard way. He shows up, blasts Cerebra, and reveals that he’s become a horseman of Apocalypse. Having been a vessel for the Phoenix Force just a few years ago, I think it’s safe to say that Colossus is getting around more than a joint at Tommy Chong’s house.

And he’s got other horseman too. This includes Moon Knight, Venom, and Deadpool. Because why not? Deadpool has a $700 million movie. To not include him in a big Apocalypse event would just be irresponsible from a business perspective. Beyond that though, there’s nothing all that shocking about these horsemen other than they promise to fuck the X-men up even more. Like Jenna Jameson after a gangbang, are they even going to feel it at this point?

So...is it awesome?

In terms of busting Forge’s balls and showing the inherent power of white hair? Sure, I’ll grant Extraordinary X-men #8 that. But in terms of overall story? Sorry, but busting balls only goes so far for me. It’s not like the story isn’t coherent and concise. It just doesn’t do anything that would make me want to pay closer attention to it. Maybe if it was printed on Emma Frost’s tits, I would be more intrigued. Since it’s not, I can only neither condemn nor praise it.

It does have plenty of moments. Bringing Sugar Man back into the mix was a nice touch. Seeing him get his tongue cut off certainly helps make my day. Beyond that though, I can’t say this story did anything to make time travel, the dystopian futures, or shitting all over the entire mutant race feel less overdone. The extra story with Magik was a nice bonus, but Extraordinary X-men #8 doesn’t exactly need a warning for heart patients or those with bladder issues. And at a time when Oscar Isaac can basically name his own price, I think Apocalypse deserves better.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Extraordinary X-men #7: Nuff Said!

A part of me is glad that telepathy doesn’t exist in the real world. If it did, anyone who scanned my mind would be bombarded by the equivalent of porno spam and Super Bowl beer ads. And I’m not entirely convinced that telepathy could make me enjoy getting shit faced and reviewing comics any less. But for the X-men, having to telepathically repair a damaged mind is the equivalent of an oil change and a tire rotation. And wouldn’t you know it? Nightcrawler’s mind is due at the same time the rest of the team is taking a trip to the LSD-inspired expanse that is Weirdworld. Extraordinary X-men #7 promises some pretty exotic locales. I may need something stronger than beer in order to fully appreciate it as I write this review.

The first locale is pretty exotic, but it’s not Weirdworld. It’s Nightcrawler’s mind. He’s got Mystique for a mother, Azazel for a father, and Rogue as an adopted sister. His mind is NOT going to be normal is what I’m saying. Even the Pope would forgive him for having unholy thoughts about Rogue every now and then, but these are not the thoughts O5 Jean and Storm experience.

They enter Nightcrawler’s mind in an effort to get him to shut the fuck up with the apocalyptic ramblings. They can leave that shit to Ted Cruz and Glenn Beck. They arrive in a familiar, Claremont-inspired memory where Nightcrawler is being chased by pitchforks and torches. O5 Jean is even decked out in a new Marvel Girl style uniform. I consider it a downgrade compared to her last uniform, but it’s not like she’s dressed like Power Girl or Starfire. She doesn’t need to give Nightcrawler any more unholy thoughts as they chase him. I’m sure he’s gotten enough of those from Rogue.

Being in Nightcrawler’s mind, the laws of physics are drunk off their ass and probably high too. That means Storm’s powers aren’t as potent as usual. This means O5 Jean, a teenage girl in a goofy costume, has to be the one to lead them through Nightcrawler’s mind to save them. Not saying Nightcrawler should be scared shitless. I’m just saying that putting a teenage girl in the driver’s seat in a life-threatening situation is a gamble at best.

Back in Weirdworld, another exotic locale where teenagers and adults alike are unequipped to deal with the weirdness, the X-men catch up with Sunfire. This is a big fucking deal because apparently, he helped Cyclops in doing whatever horrific crime that’s so horrific nobody can say what the fuck it is. It could’ve made for a very telling moment. Instead, we get only slightly more than jack shit.

There’s no answers here. There’s not much drama either. Magik just whines at him for doing what he did with Cyclops, but this is Magik. I’m sure she has the same reaction with the pizza guy when he’s 10 minutes late. Sunfire just reveals that they were trying to get as many mutant refugees as possible to X-Haven, but they ended up in Weirdworld instead. Why? Well why the fuck does there need to be a valid reason? They’ve already fucked over the mutant race and Cyclops’ character off-panel. I guess they think actual reasons for events in a story fell out of fashion with razor scooters and boy bands.

Instead of reasons, we just get more Weirdworld style attacks. This time, it comes from ghosts. Why? Well, in Weirdworld, reasons are even less necessary so it gets a pass. It only gives Old Man Logan another chance to remind everyone he’s too old for this shit. I say it’s a point worth belaboring.

The laws of physics seemed fucked on both ends. It gets downright disorienting in Nightcrawler’s mind, who decides that the stoner crowd has run out of shiny shit to stare at. So everything turns upside down when they arrive on a pirate ship with Nightcrawer, another nice homage to the Chris Claremont contributions to Nightcrawler’s story. It’s disorienting, but I can say on behalf of stoners it definitely make shit more interesting. If you get motion sickness, you might not agree. But it fits nicely with the overall theme of this issue, namely that real world physics are boring as hell.

The X-men continue fighting the ghosts in Weirdworld and being a demon-loving teenage girl, it’s Magik’s job to take care of this shit. So she tracks down the source, albeit in the most contrived way possible. She finds the evil wizard who is conjuring these ghosts because I guess there always has to be an evil wizard in this shit. Magik and the wizard have a chat and by chat, I mean Magik stabs him. In a series where Wolverine stabs his way out of problems for the same reason most people end up rebooting their computers, it’s not exactly ground-breaking.

There is a slight hint that the new mutant Magik made friends with last issue might need stabbing too, but the scene itself is so inanely unepic that it has little impact. Introduce some random wizard, stab him, and solve the problem. That’s pretty much as dramatic as it gets here. Even stoners can’t find that too interesting.

Inane or not, stabbing the wizard solved the problem. The ghosts are no longer attacking mutants. They’re all safe and sound, at least as much as they can be in Weirdworld. All that tension that was teased surrounding Sunfire and his allegiance with Cyclops? They seemed to have forgotten about that real fucking fast because they don’t even mention it. They just welcome him and the refugees to X-Haven because why actually explore that drama? It’s not like that ever makes a story actually interesting, right? That’s why movies like Titanic and Avatar tanked at the box office, right? Excuse me while I rest my omega level sarcasm.

So that’s one exotic locale they’re done with. In Nightcrawler’s exotic mindscape, Storm and O5 Jean keep following their friends fucked up thoughts. They end up in a more recent, non-Claremont era memory that happened only a week ago. They see Nightcrawler rescuing some young mutants from a couple of thugs dragging them out in the woods. They’re not wearing clown masks so it’s not as creepy as it sounds, but it is every bit as brutal. Nightcrawler manages to save these mutants, but he learns something else that fucks him up and it couldn’t be any worse than finding a sex tape between Mystique and Sabretooth.

It turns out these mutants were being taken to a mass grave. They weren’t being chased out of the city or protested against. They just decided that the Nazis were onto something and decided that mass graves were a viable solution to mutant issues. And seeing this kind of fucked Nightcrawler up, as it would most people.

Now I want to sympathize with Nightcrawler, but this is a guy who has fucking died for crying out loud. He’s died and he’s probably seen more than his share of horrific shit. He hangs out with Wolverine. He’s bound to see more than a few dead bodies. So for this to fuck him up to the point of getting overly biblical feels kind of forced, but not at all unwarranted. It provides at least some of the drama that we never got with Weirdworld.

This seems to be the jolt O5 Jean and Storm need to get out of Nightcrawler’s head. And for whatever reason, revisiting that has made him marginally sane again. There’s not much else other than O5 Jean giving Nightcrawler a hug. That’s not completely unwarranted either. She’s been overly fond of hugs since Brian Michael Bendis’ run began. It still feels forced, as though this somehow resolves all the crazy shit surrounding Nightcrawler’s state and Weirdworld. But it’s not as contrived as it could’ve been.

So...is it awesome?

The drunk in me wants to give a definitive answer. The sober mind in me wants to hold off because the story as a whole feels so incomplete. Usually, I’d let the drunk me kick the sober me’s ass, but I’ll have to call it a push here. There is some heavy drama. There are some heart-warming moments in Extraordinary X-men #7, albeit of the Schindler’s List variety. The art and visuals are very well-done, but there are a lot of missing details here and for once, they don’t just involve people whining about Cyclops.

Between the plot in Weirdworld and the plot in Nightcrawler’s fucked up head, every resolution feels rushed and unrefined. So there were mass graves in Germany? So there’s a wizard in Weirdworld? Like the side-effects to boner pills, these aren’t the kinds of things that should be glossed over. While it never gets too confusing, it never feels all that complete either. Extraordinary X-men #7 has the rest setting. But like Elton John at the Playboy Mansion, it ends up feeling soft.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Extraordinary X-men #6: Nuff Said!

Let’s not keep lying to ourselves. Marvel is in the process of shitting explosive diarrhea all over the X-men while the Inhumans jerk off in the corner. They have utterly fucked over the entire mutant race and they didn’t even have the decency to do it on-panel. They turned Cyclops into the Red Skull and they made bashing him more trendy than K-pop. There’s a lot about Extraordinary X-men that are bound to make X-men fans violently ill. But since I’m used to hang overs and vomiting, I’ve taken it upon myself to give you wonderful people the reviews you want. That means swimming through another pool of Cyclops-bashing, mutant marginalizing shit for Extraordinary X-men #6. Yes, I’m just that dedicated.

Mutants are fucked. There’s no way around it and the war between Disney and Fox’s lawyers will ensure it continues. So where can the X-men go to vent their Cyclops/Ratner hating frustration? How about Weirdworld? It’s like the Savage Land, but on a blend of crack and LSD. It’s another holdover from Secret Wars. Why, you might ask? One word…Rhinosaurs.

It’s as awesome as it sounds, except for cantankerous old fucks like Old Man Logan. He’s annoyed as hell. Magik is as giddy as a school girl in a room full of kittens. She and the X-men go to work venting their pent up frustrations on these giant monsters. Is it good for their mental health? No. Is it still an awesome sight? Fuck yes.

But why the fuck are they in Weirdworld in the first place? It’s like Mordor. One does not just walk into it for a casual stroll. Sadly, we don’t get an immediate answer and in the era of on-demand movies and binge-watching, that’s just unacceptable. However, we do get a continuation of the Nightcrawler plot that began in the first arc. He’s still fucked up and sounding like a drunk version of a televangelist. They talk about efforts to help him, but it’s another one of those plots that’s so full of holes that it’s hard to give a shit about. I’d much rather see more Rhinosaurs.

As much as I love Rhinosaurs, I’ll settle for demons. The X-men are still stuck in Limbo for other reasons that got lost in the 8-month time skip, along with any fucks given about coherent narratives. But Limbo is still practically a resort with slot machines and hookers for Magik. She even manages to make a friend in Sapna, the young mutant she saved in the first arc. They actually do some nice demonic bonding. They even name a demon together. Replace the demons with unicorns and it the perfect premise for a Disney movie.

They start exploring Limbo. Magik makes clear that as long as she has the Soulsword, she’s the Queen Bee of this realm. However, along the way, she finds out there are holes to other realms where she might not be queen. And any vindictive teenage blond who makes friends with demons can’t have that.

Flash forward back to the present. Fuck any transitional material or coherence. That shit’s for babies and Rand Paul supporters. We’re back in Weirdworld just in time for Colossus to pull off a fastball special with Old Man Logan. So I guess it’s not a total loss. We still don’t know why the fuck they’re in Weirdworld, but it’s clear they didn’t just come because they don’t want to wait for the next Jurassic World movie. There is supposed to be a point here. But like so many other things in this series, it got lost in the mix like a condom at Bristol Palin’s house.

Flash back again. To hell with transitions and coherence. More confusion and more random, unrelated narrative works better, right? Well, maybe in some fucked up alternate universe. Hell, that might be on par with Tolken in Weirdworld. But here it just means having to read this book sober and I can’t support that.

It’s not a complete waste though. It has Colossus trying to care for someone other than his demon-loving sister. He decides it’s time to whip some of the younger mutants into shape. They’re living in Limbo and in a world where Marvel has given a billion middle fingers to mutants. They need to start training and he needs to deal with teenagers who don’t rub elbows with demons.

Colossus isn’t the only one who tries to expand his horizons. Iceman also takes a moment to share his new, gay side with another resident homosexual at the Jean Grey Institute in Anole. Yes, it’s really happening. Iceman is starting to act on his new gay status. You hear that? It’s One Million Moms and every bullshit family values group gasping in horror and shielding their kids’ eyes. And anytime religious bigots get horrified is a happy day for those of us who actually have a sense of humanity.

So I love this scene and I hope there are more like it. Iceman hasn’t been this relevant since he swapped minds with Emma Frost. Let him have this, Marvel. You’ve taken everything else from the X-men. Please don’t throw shit on this and use it to spit on Fox’s legal team.

More confusing flash-forward follow. It’s still confusing. It’s still chaotic. I feel like it was organized by a vindictive roommate with OCD. These side-stories with Weirdworld aren’t terrible. They don’t make me want to puke dirt and shit bricks. Like mayonnaise and chili peppers, they just don’t fit together. There’s still some kind of mission going on in Weirdworld. We just haven’t been given a reason to give any fucks about it yet. Sure, there’s a giant wall of fire involved. But is that really more awesome than Rhinosaurs? I think not.

How about another flashback because why the fuck not? The non-sober crowd has already given up at this point. At the very least, we get some semblance of reason for going into Weirdworld. Apparently, a plane carrying mutants was transported to Weirdworld because I guess it beat landing in Los Angeles and dealing with the traffic. She wants the X-men to bring the mutants back from Weirdworld and that’s perfectly logical. But at this point in the story, there are only so many fucks left to give. It doesn’t fill in any of the many gaping plot holes, but it doesn’t create new ones either. And I guess that’s the best we can hope for with X-men these days.

There is at least one detail that forces us to give a few extra fucks. One of the mutants the X-men need to rescue is a familiar face. On top of that, he’s one of the mutants that was friendly with Cyclops so that must mean he ate a live puppy for breakfast. It’s another bit of Cyclops-bashing. Like the last three seasons of American Idol, this shit has gotten old and played out. You enjoy screwing over the X-men, Marvel. We get it. You’re getting dangerously close to waving your dick in our faces.

So who is the mutant in question? Who was bold enough to actually team up with the so-evil-that-it-had-to-happen-off-panel version of Cyclops? It’s Sunfire. Yeah, he’s a C-lister at best and hasn’t been relevant since Jerry Springer was still on the air. But he’s alive, he’s in Weirdworld, and his causing this big fucking firestorm. And Storm is hoping Old Man Logan can deal with him if he says anything nice about Cyclops. Yeah, this is what the X-men have been reduced to. Pretty soon, a dick in the face might be an upgrade.

So...is it awesome?

At the very least, it tries to be. Jeff Lemire has every character’s voice down perfectly. Old Man Logan sounds like Old Man Logan. Storm sounds like Storm. And Iceman sounds like the all-new, all-gay Iceman. That’s Extraordinary X-men’s greatest strength, but one of its precious few. This issue had a solid concept, but was so chaotic and disorganized at times it felt like a kid that forgot to take his Ritalin. It was hard to follow and plenty rushed, but it didn’t completely fuck up. If Extraordinary X-men #6 was a drunk, it wouldn’t get arrested. But it would stumble home with more than a few bruises on its face.

Extraordinary X-men as a series still has a lot of flaws, but this comic didn’t add to them. That’s really the most we can hope for at this point. Like the Fantastic Four movies, we just have to settle for something that doesn’t suck more than it already does. The disorganization and forgettable plot keeps it from being all that thrilling. It still functions for the most part and plays to its strengths. It just needs a lot more of them if it’s going to justify all the Cyclops-bashing.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

Basic, Bland, and Incomplete: Extraordinary X-men #5

The following is my review of Extraordinary X-men #5, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

If a chain is only as strong as its weakest link, then a story is only as strong as its biggest flaw. Every story has to skip a few details. Sometimes it's necessary to ensure a concise, coherent narrative. But like Ash found out at the end of Evil Dead 2, a casual oversight can have serious consequences. It doesn't always involve invading demon hordes. But in the case of Extraordinary X-men, it can lead to evil clone monsters. As Spider-Man can attest, evil clones rarely pan out well.

When Marvel opted to do an 8-month time-skip after Secret Wars, there were bound to be a few details that got lost in the mix. Details like Jessica Drew getting knocked up and Kamala Khan joining the Avengers offered more intrigue than confusion. But there's a fine line between genuine intrigue and chorus of "Huh?!" And in Extraordinary X-men, nobody even tried walking that line. They essentially did the swan dive over the line and into the deep end of a pool of hungry sharks.

From the final issue of Brian Michael Bendis' run in Uncanny X-men #600 to the first issue of Jeff Lemire's run in Extraordinary X-men #1, the shift in tone is akin to watching Saving Private Ryan after watching Happy Gilmore. It's not just that mutants are in a new state of turmoil. It's that the journey into this turmoil happened off-panel.

For the first four issues, only a handful of clues have been offered, most of which involve Cyclops becoming the most despised person associated with the X-men since Chuck Austin. The limited scope of these clues have hindered the Lemire's narrative, but have still offered points of intrigue. The narrative here is still developing. It's just trying to develop with one hand tied behind its back, a broken ankle, and a severe concussion.

Extraordinary X-men #5 is intended to solidify this new foundation for the X-men. It has successfully, albeit messily, brought all the necessary characters into the right place. But it's still building top a foundation with some major cracks in it. By the end of the story, those cracks don't get any smaller. That building still wouldn't pass an inspection without a hefty bribe. At the very least, however, it is coherent and it doesn't create any new cracks.

The conflict here is basic X-men 101. Sinister has unleashed a monster by mixing mutant and Inhuman DNA. That monster threatens humans and mutants alike. The X-men come together and stop it. It's every bit as basic as Captain America punching the Red Skull in the face. There's nothing novel of innovative about it. But for the first arc in this series, that's entirely appropriate.

It at least tries to come off as something more dramatic. It actually teased the possibility that some of the gaping plot holes in this narrative would be filled in, revealing that Sinister's monster may or may not be Cyclops. But in the same way that sending money to a Nigerian prince rarely pays off, this effort yielded nothing. Like seeing the promiscuous teenager die first in a slasher movie, it surprised no one when this monster just turned out to be a clone.

There was no dramatic weight whatsoever. There was painfully little context. Sinister claims he's trying to help save the mutant race and improve it. For some reason, he still thinks clones are a good idea this time. He's like someone who refuses to upgrade from VHS tapes. It's hard to really take him seriously. His charisma and cunning, which helped make him one of the X-men's most devious villains, just wasn't there.

If there is a sliver of drama in this story, it comes from Storm. This fight against another Sinister-bred clone gives Storm the chance to establish herself as the new leader of the X-men. And she does this to great effect. She's able to coordinate with her teammates to take down the monster. She also emphasizes protecting the same humans that hate mutants now more than ever. This isn't just appropriate for the X-men. It's required. Storm is able to check all the boxes that Halle Berry couldn't in X3.

Under Storm's leadership, the X-men effectively establish that they're not going to curl up in a fetal position and led an Inhuman dominated world kick them into submission. They're still going to be X-men. That's all well and good. But once again, the lack of a context completely robs this moment of any drama. It's like watching only the last two episodes of Breaking Bad. Without knowing the details of the story that led up to this, it's impossible to appreciate the breadth of the story.

When Extraordinary X-men began, it teased that something had gone horribly wrong during the 8-month gap between mutants and Inhumans. We know nothing about this conflict. We only know that at some point, Cyclops got himself killed and somehow managed to become the most hated non-clone mutant of all time. It's conveyed as a mystery, but it basically comes off as the kind of trolling that is best restricted to Walking Dead message boards.

This isn't like the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men or House of M. These conflicts all happened on-panel and as part of major events. This phantom war with the Inhumans happened entirely off-panel and the story forces readers to assume that Cyclops just did something so horrible that he would've been better off just driving a truck of puppies off a cliff. It tries to be a mystery, but in Extraordinary X-men #5 it just comes off as an excuse to circumvent the major flaws in the narrative.

Absent an understanding of the conflict that created this situation, Storm's speech that the X-men were back basically amounts to scapegoating. And that's exactly the kind of thing the X-men are supposed to oppose. Her speech might have rallied the team, but it has less depth than a commercial for car insurance.

Extraordinary X-men #5 succeeds in the basics, but not much else. The inherent flaws in the narrative render it impotent in terms of having an impact. However, these flaws don't completely undermine the potential of the story. There is still time to fill in these gaping plot holes to help give weight and context to this series. But like watching Tom Brady in a two-minute drill, it feels like that time is passing faster than it should.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Extraordinary X-men #5: Nuff Said!

There are some people you just can't really feel sorry for. Is anybody really going to have much sympathy for Gweneth Paltrow when she whines about her private jet being late? Other than those who can afford private jets, hell no! We're going to see that as an indirect kick in the nuts. For that same reason, it's hard for some fans to sympathize with Cyclops.

Let's face it. This is a guy is basically the Hugh Hefner of mutants. He's banged both Jean Grey and Emma Frost. He's pwned Wolverine more times than a bar tab. And he's led the entire mutant race back from the brink of destruction on more than one occasion. So when he gets fucked over off-panel in Extraordinary X-men, there will be those who will jerk off to his misery. The problem is that even ardent Cyclops-haters have to admit screwing him over off-panel has made the story in Extraordinary X-men more chaotic than a meth-fueled gangbang at Ron Jeremy's house. Now, Marvel looks to add the last bit of lube in screwing Cyclops over completely in Extraordinary X-men #5. And it's my job to show whether Cyclops haters will have either semi or a raging boner.

The first part of that job involves taking care of the obvious. Remember that shocking ending in the previous issue that apparently showed Cyclops returning as one of Sinister’s experiments? Well somebody kick Peter Parker in the balls because it’s a fucking clone. And it’s not just because O5 Jean scanned his mind. It says so in the fucking intro. So there’s no ambiguity here. This thing is just another clone and since it’s not nearly as sexy as Madelyne Pryor, the X-men’s first instinct is to kill it. If only Spider-Man’s instincts were that sharp.

A standard Power Rangers style monster battle ensues. It’s really not much different from a Sentinel battle. There’s lasers, destruction, and people yelling “JEAN!” Hamberto Ramos’ art is solid, but it really doesn’t add much to it. They’re fighting a monster. There’s no drama. No emotion. It’s as basic as mid-80s porn.

And part of that basic setup involves the X-men protecting civilians while fighting this the Cyclops/clone/monster. It might be overlooked and belabored in a Superman movie, but it’s how the X-men have always done business. They try to protect those who would otherwise use them as target practice. It’s what makes them who they are. Again, this shit is standard and there’s nothing that really makes it stand out.

So what about the asshole that created this monster? Well, Sinister did get his head chopped off so that should end it right? Fuck no. This is Sinister. Cutting his head off is no more inconvenient than popping a zit. He just picks himself up (literally), puts himself in a new body, and prepares to fight back. The problem is the guy he’s fighting is Colossus. And Sinister also hurt his sister. On top of that, this Colossus is packing a manly new beard. So yeah, this is going to be a lot more inconvenient for Sinister than he thought.

The X-men are still trying to channel their Cyclops-hate into this monster. They’re also still trying to protect the civilians so they don’t have another reason to bring back internment camps. Iceman is among those doing rescue and as luck would have it, one of the civilians he rescues is an Inhuman. The same Inhumans who are responsible for fucking over the entire mutant race and without the aid of Dr. Doom.

It’s another fitting, but basic moment for the X-men. They will help those who hate them. They’re able to discern humans and Inhumans from those responsible for the atrocities against them. That alone disqualifies them from joining the Republican Party. But again, this is what the X-men do. Unless it involves Cyclops, they’re willing to exercise basic human decency.

That decency doesn’t extend to a Cyclops clone monster though. The X-men do have their limits and Old Man Logan tends to spit on those limits. Never one to pass up a chance to stab Cyclops, he manages to recover from a heavy shot he took earlier and deliver at least part of the killing blow. He may be old, but I’m pretty sure he had to hide a boner here. Not only was he stabbing Cyclops, but a version of Jean Grey was present. I don’t care how old and impotent he is. That’s going to bring out the best in Logan, old man or otherwise.

However, gutting the Cyclops clone monster didn’t solve the problem as easily as Old Man Logan hoped. It just turned him into a ticking time bomb. Knowing mutants can’t afford another incident that blows up in their face, O5 Jean and Storm finish the job by turning it into a late New Years fireworks show. Colossus and Magik do their part too by cutting Sinister’s head off…again. It might not be the most epic conclusion to the battle, but it checks all the necessary boxes. That seems to be the standard now. Let everyone else in the Marvel universe grow and evolve. Let’s keep the X-men stuck in fucking 2005.

Sinister is dead(ish). The Cyclops clone monster is dead/exploded. The X-men can finally catch their breath and clean up as best they can. That includes rescuing Nightcrawler, who got the ball rolling on this shit storm when he got himself captured. He still sounds like someone who took one too many hits of LSD, but he still sounds more sane than a standard Comcast customer service rep so I’m guessing he’ll be fine. His incessant need to quote bible passages like a stoned version of Jimmy Sawaggert is just one of the many unanswered questions. I guess that’s some shit that all happened off-panel.

The last step in any successful X-men operation is making sure the public doesn’t see this as mutants choking live puppies. It’s another lesson that Spider-Man could definitely use in addition to the X-men’s handling of clones. Storm, with help from Iceman, gets on a stage and delivers a speech to the news cameras. She basically says Cyclops is horrible, the X-men are back, and they’re not going to take this shit anymore. There’s nothing she says that other X-men haven’t said on multiple occasions with much better rhetoric. But it gets the point across.

That point, however, would probably feel less bland if it wasn’t built entirely around some shit that happened with Cyclops off-panel. This is still, by far, the greatest weakness in this series and in most other X-books since the relaunch. We still have no fucking clue what Cyclops did, but everyone in the Marvel universe, including his own friends, act like he bathes in a pool of dead kittens and jerks off on their corpses. The fact it took a basic incident like this for them to be fucking X-men again just makes it seem forced and petty. And in this age of affluenza, we don’t need more of that shit.

So Storm delivers her speech. It turns out everyone can rally around Cyclops hatred. Even SHIELD offers to help. Sure, they’re still stuck having their school in Limbo, but they’re back to being X-men. And both O5 Jean and Old Man Logan opt to stick around. It’s not all that surprising. O5 Jean convinced Old Man Logan to come with her to X-Haven to fight demons and Cyclops monsters. It sure as hell wouldn’t take much to get him to stick around with the X-men. It’s Old Man Logan’s only weakness besides bar tabs. Cute redheads with puppy-dog eyes get him every time. In terms of weaknesses, it’s much more understandable than kryptonite.

So...is it awesome?

In short, only in the absolute most basic possible way. Extraordinary X-men #5 does the absolute minimum for a coherent X-men story. The team comes together, fights a monster threatening the people who hate them, and they succeed. They also manage to slightly improve their standing and all they had to do was fight another giant monster. That’s par for the course for the X-men. Hell, that’s basically every Tuesday. They succeeded in this most basic of challenges, but not a fraction more.

This arc is anything but complete and only marginally satisfying. Like a half-eaten Big Mac that has been sitting in the fridge for a week, it only delivers the most basic level of taste. Again, the blatant and unrelenting Cyclops-bashing really undermines the story here. So much of this shit was set up off-panel and the only hints we got was whining not seen since Star Wars fans first saw Jar Jar. This issue isn’t bad. This series as a whole isn’t bad. It’s just frustrating, incomplete, contrived, and petty as fuck. But it still does all the classic X-men shit we know and love and that might be the best we can hope for at this point.

Final Score: 6 out of 10