Extraordinary X-men #14: Nuff Said!

In the annuls of the X-men, Apocalypse is kind of like circumcision. His presence is kind of a ritual that nobody understands, he tends to leave a lasting impact on the parts of you that really count, and no matter how much you try to ignore him, he finds a way to remind you. Apocalypse Wars did a damn good job of that and not just because it created yet another dystopian future. Extraordinary X-men already has a time traveler and an AU version of Wolverine in it. They know they're fucked. Apocalypse just likes to remind them.

Some reminders are still more frustrating than others. That's what happened with Colossus in Apocalypse Wars. Apocalypse left a mark on him that's only somewhat less distressing than circumcision. Now, his teammate have to unfuck his situation, relative to being a team that lives in a fucking demon realm. In that sense, Extraordinary X-men #14 is doing what it can to make shit shine, but that doesn't mean it can't be entertaining as hell.

So what kind of entertainment value can we get from Iceman and Nightcrawler reaching out to their corrupted friend? Do they have a tender heart-to-heart? Do they all attend therapy together to work out their problems? Fuck no! Colossus kicks their asses. There's definitely entertainment value in that.

Granted, seeing heroes fight other heroes is getting old as fuck. The concept already made a billion-dollar movie. Isn't that enough? Well, at least this fight has a valid context. It's spins directly out of the fight that began in Apocalypse Wars. So it's not like Marvel just pulled another bullshit reason for heroes to fight heroes out of their ass. Colossus is still corrupted by Apocalypse so of course he's going to make it hard on Iceman and Nightcrawler. It's still somewhat generic, but at least it's entertaining and relevant.

If you're sick as hell of watching heroes fight other heroes, this issue does offer something a bit more basic. While Iceman and Nightcrawler go after Colossus, Storm and Magik go after another missing teammate in Sapna. This leads them to the less friendly parts of Limbo and since Limbo is already a fucking demon realm, that should tell you something. Naturally, the end up finding some monsters and magic-wielding assholes who try to get in their way. They even try taking control of Storm in the process. It's every bit as retarded as it sounds. Even in Limbo, demon-loving assholes have a death wish.

It makes for some much more satisfying forms of action that don't involve heroes fighting other heroes. Storm kicks up a big fucking tornado. Keep in mind, this is still Limbo. A tornado in a demon realm is like a flood of piss in a shit storm. It makes things messy, but in a much more awesome, much less stinky sort of way. It gives her and Magik the chance to ditch these generic D-listers so they can go back to jerking off to demon porn or whatever they do in Limbo.

It's not very elaborate. It's not very epic either, but it really doesn't have to be. Colossus fighting Nightcrawler and Iceman isn't supposed to be a fight scene from the Matrix. Storm and Magik's fight isn't supposed to be on par with a dick-measuring contest against the Hulk either. They're basic skirmishes and they're nothing special. They're not really that connected either. They're basically warm beer in that it doesn't taste as good as it could, but it'll still get the job done.

Aside from the fighting, there's another side-plot in between involving Forge and Apocalypse. This one does actually have some connections in that Apocalypse is the key to undoing this horsemen shit with Colossus. So there it does contribute meaningfully to the plot. However, this form of Apoclaypse isn't nearly as menacing or imposing as his predecessors so it's not like anyone is shitting themselves in his presence.

This doesn't stop him from busting Forge's balls. Despite being a old far that even Oscar Isaac couldn't make sexy, he's still trying to recruit new horsemen to do his bidding. He even tempts Forge by saying that becoming a horsemen will make Storm want to fuck him again. Not going to lie. That's pretty damn tempting.

Then, Forge does what may be the most awesome thing he could've done, short of inventing a form of beer that never causes a hangover. He duct tapes Apocalypse's mouth shut. It's even more satisfying than it sounds. Forge silenced a mutant tyrant demigod with fucking duct tape. Seriously, is there anything duct tape can't fix?

Perhaps Nightcrawler and Iceman should've brought some duct tape with them because they basically get their asses handed to them by Colossus. That's not too surprising. Colossus is strong enough to bench press a jumbo jet and almost tough enough to survive the comments section on a message board. Add Horsemen strength to the mix and they've got no fucking chance.

Even so, it makes for a dull battle. Nightcrawler and Iceman really don't put up much of a fight. There's no scrappy underdog, Mighty Ducks bullshit here. It's just them getting their asses kicked until some backup arrives. However, that backup is led by Glob Herman so it's not like the fight got that much more balanced.

Dull fights are easy to balance out though. It definitely helps to throw in a nice, meaningful conversation between Old Man Logan and O5 Jean Grey in the mix. Now to all you special kind of perverts out there, put your dicks away. It's not THAT kind of conversation. It's meaningful in that it shows just how well O5 Jean Grey can influence people without probing their minds.

Old Man Logan's love life does come up, but they focus on Storm, which makes more sense. They both have white hair after all. I'm sure that's a special porno genre somewhere. However, even though O5 Jean encourages Old Man Logan to get his wrinkly old cock wet again, he doesn't seem fond of the idea of pursuing another woman he's just going to get killed. It's not an unreasonable concern, given how Jeff Lemire has been developing Old Man Logan. It's still telling that O5 Jean brings it up, which makes the exchange feel meaningful and not nearly as lopsided as a fight against Colossus.

As for Storm's own struggles, she has more pressing concerns than who she lets into her panties. She's still on a mission with Magik to find Sapna. They escape the D-list demon lovers. Now, they're in another part of Limbo, which is like being on the other side of an asshole. It's not much of an improvement.

This doesn't stop things from getting more tense. This whole demon shit storm is Magik's mission more than it is Storm's. She's the one who took Sapna under her wing. She's the one who wants to find her and stop her from loving demons a bit too much. It makes for a nice little exchange between her and Storm, which brings out the less demonic part of Magik. At a time when she's often a glorified Uber driver for the X-men, that's pretty damn important.

The tension quickly disappears when Sapna finally shows up. It's not like they find her or fight off a demon horde to rescue her. She just shows up out of the darkness like a kid running from an army of creepy clown. It's random and a little contrived, but it's in a fucking demon realm. It's unreasonable to expect it to make that much sense. Still not as terrifying as an army of creepy clowns though.

Sapna's sudden return makes for a nice little moment between her and Magik, complete with a hug. It has the potential to be one of those moments from a Hallmark card or a bad Julia Roberts movie. Then, you remember that this is taking place in a fucking demon realm. Of course it's going to be short lived. This is where fuzzy bunnies and lovable kittens come to get eaten.

Sapna, proving she's already made out with one too many demons, promptly blasts Magik and Storm. Then, she takes Magik's Soul Sword and uses it to summon a monster right out of bad tentacle porn. It's not actually as terrifying as it sounds. In fact, it's downright muted because this is taking place in a fucking demon realm. Like Colossus kicking the ass of undersized opponents, it's really not that surprising. Sapna is a teenage girl who learned to connect with demons. Short of giving her an unlimited supply of heroin and Nirvana records, she was bound to get this fucked up at some point.

So...is it awesome?

Well, it definitely has its moments. Forge putting duct tape over Apocalypse's mouth alone makes this issue worth buying. A nice heart-to-heart between O5 Jean and Old Man Logan on ways for him to hook up with Storm is a nice bonus. Other than that though, not a whole lot really happens here. Iceman and Nightcrawler make no progress with Colossus. Storm and Magik are just pissing into the wind with Sapna. The art is solid and the action is decent, but not all that productive.

I do give points for solid character moments. Those moments are lacking or half-assed in many other comics these days. I can't give too many points for a story that really doesn't move forward by much. There is an ongoing plot here in Extraordinary X-men #14. There are parts of that plot that are interesting, even to a non-sober mind. It just doesn't do enough to warrant genuine awesome. If nothing else, it offers further proof that duct tape can solve 90 percent of all problems.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Extraordinary X-men #13: Nuff Said!

How fucked are you when your sanctuary is infested by demons? The answer to that question is the primary theme of Extraordinary X-men. Mutants go from having a large, peaceful protest in the middle of DC to being safer among demons than they are among humans. That's a whole new level of fucked that few things outside Japanese anime porn can match. They still blame Cyclops, but oddly ignore the fact that the Inhumans aren't doing jack shit about the big fucking fart cloud that's killing them. I'm guessing they know that demons are less menacing than Disney lawyers at this point.

As fucked as they are, there comes a point where setting up shop in a demon-infested realm is going to leave the X-men too fucked to function. They barely functioned enough to survive another trip to another dystopian future involving Apocalypse. How can they expect to survive in a domain where demons pop up more often than annoying cat videos? Extraordinary X-men #13 sets the stage for the X-men to get just a little more fucked. At this point, does it really matter? I'm hoping a non-sober mind like mine can make that determination.

That said, I think it's safe to assume that the mind of a demon-loving teenage girl isn't inherently sober. It's just not something anyone who values the integrity of their asshole to say out loud. To be fair, Magik has been more collected and coherent in recent months. Since befriending a fellow demon-lover in Sapna, she's kind of mellowed somewhat, albeit only to the extent that a demon-loving teenage girl can. I still think she needs some better weed, but it has made her less overtly evil compared to recent years. That or this is just the natural byproduct of not hanging out with Emma Frost quite as much.

The problem is that during Apocalypse Wars, Sapna disappears for reasons that aren't entirely clear to a non-sober mind. Since Magik isn't eager to hang out with Emma Frost again, she goes looking for her. She even finds a portal and Sapna's pet demon, Boogers. I'm usually reluctant to root for demon-loving teenage girls, but Jeff Lemire makes it pretty damn easy here. How can you not root for a girl a demon named Boogers? It's like rooting against breast implants and puppies.

While Magik is taking care of her personal shit, the rest of the X-men have their own shit to deal with. The aftermath of Apocalypse Wars actually has an impact here. Let me pause for a second to acknowledge why that's a big fucking deal. Keep in mind, the X-men are in this shit storm because they got massively screwed off-panel after Secret Wars. So the concept that the aftermath of a major event helps build the next story feels pretty damn novel when it really shouldn't. Yeah, that's where we are with X-men comics these days, but I digress.

Apocalypse Wars may be over, but Apocalypse still did some pretty nasty shit. He turned Colossus into a horseman and now he's missing. That lead the team to take the old, wrinkly version of Apocalypse from the 30th century back to the past in hopes that he'll help undo the shit he did to Colossus. Plus, they already have Old Man Logan on their team and he's worked out well. I guess they figure getting another grumpy old fuck from a future can only help. At a time when prominent X-men are either dead or time-displaced, I can't argue with that logic.

As they're looking for ways to make Apocalypse undo the shit he did to Colossus, Nightcrawler and Iceman are taking the more direct approach. They're out in the non-demon world that's dominated by racist xenophobic slave-owners and the Marvel Universe that supports them. They're looking for Colossus and they're focusing on Clan Akkaba, who have long had a boner for all things Apocalypse. They probably could enlist help from the Avengers, but they're probably busy sucking the dicks of every racist xenophobic slave owners on Attilan.

This ends up being a surprisingly heated fight, especially from Nightcrawler. He's still pretty fucked up after the first arc. He takes it out on Clan Akkaba here. Let's face it, there are far less healthy ways he could deal with his shit. Sure, Iceman keeps him from going full Wolverine berserker rage, but it's refreshing to see Nightcrawler kick some ass. It also is an indirect hint of sorts that he's not totally in line with Storm's way of doing things, which plays out in Civil War II. Again, for a team that gets fucked over off-panel a lot lately, this kind of coherence is pretty damn refreshing.

Kicking the asses of Apocalypse worshipers is entertaining enough. There are still some demon asses to kick as well. This is where Storm meets up with Magik to get in on the action. It even leads to a nice little moment of sorts where Storm makes clear that she's willing to help even the demon-loving members of her team. That's why she's so respected by X-men, Avengers, and Wakandan kings. Helping a fellow X-men search for their demon-loving protege? It probably beats hearing whiny teenagers bitch about the lack of wifi in Limbo.

She follows Magik into the portal she finds with Sapna's pet, Boogers. Having already ventured into an Apocalyptic future, jumping through demonic realms must seem downright boring. It makes for some great visuals. A bag of weed isn't even necessary to enjoy them, but it certainly doesn't hurt.

They eventually show up in an apocalyptic version of London, which I imagine isn't much different from how London is during rush hour these days. They don't find Sapna, but they do find a bunch of John Constantine wannabes and assorted demon creatures. Their first instinct, naturally, is to attack the beautiful women. Like angry Twitter trolls, they don't need a reason. They don't seem to know anything about Sapna, which kind of stalls the plot, but it means more Storm and Magik fighting demons. Who can't get behind that? Who, I ask?

We then find out there may be another reason why Storm decided to fight demons rather than stick around X-Haven. While fixing Cerebro and dealing with the injured students from Apocalypse Wars, Old Man Logan and Forge get into a heated dick-measuring contest. It doesn't involve demons or Apocalypse worshipers, but it's still pretty damn relevant.

Remember, these are two men who have either seen Storm naked or are inclined to want to see her naked. Storm did share a few meaningful moments with Old Man Logan earlier in this series. She has also made it clear that her panties are still quite dry around Forge. So these two do have a reason to resent each other. They don't say it outright, but it's pretty damn obvious. I would say it's petty, but we're talking about seeing Storm naked here. I'd say the stakes are pretty damn high. Does it contribute much to the story? Fuck no. Is it still entertaining and relevant? Fuck yes. So it balances out.

There are more relevant battles going on, although the stakes don't involve a naked Storm so their importance is debatable. Iceman and Nightcrawler attack another Clan Akkaba stronghold in Egypt. That goes about as well as a vacation to Afghanistan. The action here is a bit more muted. Then again, it doesn't involve who gets to see Storm naked, so that's to be expected. Nightcrawler doesn't get to go berserker this time, but only because they find some actual leads on Colossus. Not sure which is better for Nightcrawler's mental health, but it moves the story along.

It's a story that has a lot of moving pieces now. We've got Storm and Magik fighting demons in their search for Sapna. We have Nightcrawler and Iceman fighting Clan Akkaba in their search for Colossus. We have Forge and Old Man Logan wanting to strangle each other over who gets to see Storm naked. It's a little chaotic, but each fight has its own appeal. Like different flavors of vodka or different strands of weed, they each have something to offer. The X-men have always been good at providing a variety of awesome. It's just one of the many things that make them more appealing than any team of racist xenophobic slave-owners.

Another thing the X-men are good at providing, sometimes to an annoying degree, are ominous hints about shitty futures. Having just gotten back from one in Apocalypse Wars, that's the last thing the X-men need, other than more clones or time travelers. This time, however, the ominous hints are a bit more concise. It turns out Clan Akkaba read Apocalypse Wars too. They seem to be aware of the apocalyptic shit that's going to unfold. Some of that shit involves more dead X-men. So long as they get the dignity of dying on-panel, they can't be too disappointed. They sure as shit shouldn't be surprised either. Another apocalyptic future is basically just another Monday for the X-men these days.

So...is it awesome?

Well, there are some interesting and semi-interesting things going on here. There is a genuine aftermath to Apocalypse Wars and it isn't cast aside like a used condom in a whore house. That may not sound like much, but at a time when iconic characters killed killed off-panel, that's a bit more important these days. There are a few personal moments as well. Magik actually shows some emotion that doesn't just involve getting horny around demons. So that's a nice touch. Old Man Logan and Forge are on the brink of strangling each other over who gets to see Storm naked. That definitely has some entertainment value as well. Is it enough though?

Well, as most X-men fans can attest since Secret Wars, the bar is pretty fucking low right now. They're in a world where racist xenophobic slave-owners get preferential treatment. We can't expect X-men comics to be as thorough or as epic as they once were. If we get a story that's concise, diverse, and exciting, we need to embrace it. The fact that nobody else gets sterilized in this issue is a victory in and of itself. Extraordinary X-men #13 may only make your panties half-wet, but that's what we have to work with these days. When shit is this bleak, you make a shit sandwich and you enjoy it for what it is.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Present and Future Intrigue: Extraordinary X-men #12

The following is my review of Extraordinary X-men #12, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

A war in an apocalyptic future is like Deadpool being locked in a fireworks factory. Nobody is all that surprised when the destruction escalates. Any war is terrible, but there comes a point where people become numb to the devastation. By any measure, the X-men are operating on a foundation of devastation. They're fighting to save a dying race against the forces of bigotry, sterilization, and anger over movie rights. As a result, the impact of Apocalypse Wars is somewhat muted.

That's not to say the story doesn't have its moments. Jeff Lemire makes a considerable effort to craft an apocalyptic battleground that feels unique and distinct. He succeeds on some levels, having elevated the profiles of lesser-known mutants like Glob Herman, Anole, and Earnst. However, it's still another run-of-the-mill apocalyptic future. It's still another dire conflict that promises to make a dire situation even more dire. So how can a story like Apocalypse Wars have a meaningful impact in those circumstances?

Extraordinary X-men #12 attempts to create that impact. The setup is hardly ideal. Omega World is crumbling and yet another apocalyptic future threatens to consume the X-men once more. There are a lot of forces working against the X-men in this story. For once, none can be blamed on the Inhumans for. Despite these forces, Lemire manages to craft a solid, satisfying impact that successfully brings Apocalypse Wars to a close.

The key to this impact is ensuring the aftermath of Apocalypse Wars is not entirely muted. Lemire does this by striking an careful balance between resolving the ongoing conflict with Omega World while using this conflict to lay the foundation for the next story. By doing so, he makes it so Apocalypse Wars can't be completely forgettable. That's not to say it'll have the same impact as Secret Wars, the Dark Phoenix Saga, or the Chuck Austin run on Uncanny X-men, but the impact is there.

The impact manifests within the context of solid visuals, courtesy of Hamberto Ramos' artwork. The battles that unfold are colorful, flashy, and not overly dark, which is an accomplishment for any story taking place in a dystopian future. It's all too easy for things to get grim and gritty when dealing with a threat like Apocalypse. Lemire and Ramos resist this urge. They understand there's only so many times an X-men story can rip off Days of Future Past.

The content of those battles is fairly refined, taking on some personal dynamics along the way. We get a tense battle between Teen Jean and a Venom-powered Old Man Logan. We get a harsh, violent, flashy battle between Magik and an Apocalypse-powered Colossus. There are real personal stakes to go along with the usual takes that come with any apocalyptic future. It further ensures that the impact of Apocalypse Wars isn't as stale as every other dystopian future the X-men encounter.

However, the greatest strength of the impact in Extraordinary X-men #12, and Apocalypse Wars as a whole, comes from the intrigue it creates for future conflicts. The ending isn't going to shock anyone on the same level as a Game of Thrones season finale, but it will generate interest in the conflicts to come. Some of it is generic ominous foreboding, the kind the X-men can probably surmise without a telepath. Other elements, however, are less ominous and have more to do with how Storm chooses to lead her team through this conflict.

If there's one character that really shines though the dystopian drudgery in Apocalypse Wars, it's Storm. She is the leader of the X-men now that Cyclops and Charles Xavier are dead, discredited, and everything in between. She doesn't carry herself like a placeholder either. She's not just keeping the chair warm for Cyclops, Wolverine, or any other X-men character that might rank higher in the pecking order. She makes clear that she is the leader now, which means she must be the one that makes tough decisions.

She certainly makes one in Extraordinary X-men #12. That decision will, the X-men remain jinxed with inhuman levels of bad luck if that's not too loaded a term, come back to haunt her. Even so, she makes this decision without hesitation, as anyone expects of a strong leader. It's not a decision that her team wholly agrees with. In fact, Lemire makes it a point to show some dissention within the team. It's another element that is sure to add fuel to the X-men's hapless luck, which has already forced them to seek refuge in a demon-laden dimension for safety.

In terms of resolving the final issue of Apocalypse Wars, Extraordinary X-men #12 completes this story in a fairly concise, if not somewhat rushed manner. The personal angles are strong, but lack drama. There aren't a lot of passions beyond simply wanting to escape yet another dystopian future. Some moments have the potential to flesh out heavier emotions, but that potential goes unrealized. It's like Wolverine only drinking half-a-beer. It doesn't feel complete in terms of character moments.

This is striking because one of the primary strengths of Extraordinary X-men as a whole is its focus on these character moments. It's within this series that the impact of the X-men's Inhuman-fueled bad luck is explored. Moments with characters like Storm, Old Man Logan, Teen Jean, and even Glob Herman are a big part of the overarching themes in this series. They're not entirely absent from Apocalypse Wars, but they are woefully underplayed.

Even so, Extraordinary X-men #12 does feel complete in terms of tying together a cohesive narrative. That narrative is made stronger thanks to Storm's hard decisions and the inevitable consequences of those decisions. It ensures that the greater impact of Apocalypse Wars will only be clear once those consequences are explored in later issues. It's part finale and part teaser trailer. At a time when teaser trailers are 90 percent of every mass media campaign, that's entirely fitting.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Extraordinary X-men #12: Nuff Said!

How many apocalyptic futures does anyone have to see before they just say, "Fuck it! I'm joining Skynet." If anyone is in a position to answer that question, it's the X-men. They face a new apocalyptic future every other week and on their off-weeks, they face another plague or sterility plot. They don't have good days is what I'm saying. They haven't since their last cartoon got canceled. I don't know how close they are to just throwing their hands up and sucking the dick of the nearest Inhuman, but I imagine they're close.

Apocalypse Wars promises to bring them even closer. I'm sure they're already licking their lips with Death of X coming up. Once again, the X-men are in an apocalyptic future. Once again, they have to fight one of their teammates who has been corrupted. I guess it's Tuesday for the X-men. For Extraordinary X-men #12 though, it's the end of Apocalypse Wars. Can it feel like more than a typical Tuesday? Well, that's why I'm here.

These days, before lunch on a typical Tuesday, Magik has to get caught up in some sort of demon-centric shit storms. This is no exception. She and her magic mojo is the only way the X-men have to get escape this apocalyptic future for their semi-apocalyptic present. To do that though, she has to take the express lane to the future. Along the way, that express lane has a few stops. One of them offers some disturbing hints to the next dystopian future that'll fuck over the X-men because I guess they really can't have too many.

This one is a bit more personal though. It involves Sapna, the semi-creepy girl Magik began training at the start of this series. Apparently, being trained by a mutant demon queen with a habit of killing things with a big fucking sword isn't a healthy influence. She ends up turning the entire world into a kingdom of death. It would be so dire if the X-men didn't get futures like this at least once a week, but the fact it has personal ties to Magik does add intrigue.

Intrigue is a bit less important in the other dystopian future that's currently fucking over the X-men. Storm and Nightcrawler finally managed to reach Apocalypse in the last issue. Then, Nightcrawler decides it's a good idea to kill Apocalypse in his weakened state. I don't think any mostly-sober mind would disagree with that logic. The problem is killing Apocalypse means killing Omega World. That might be a good idea too if they weren't fucking trapped in it.

Luckily for Storm, Apocalypse is almost as durable as Keith Richards and Nightcrawler kind of sucks at killing immortal mutant demigods. While he's intent on killing Apocalypse while he doesn't have Oscar Isaac's sex appeal to protect him, Storm makes clear that they need to keep him alive to save their asses and Colossus. So I guess Nightcrawler forgot about that detail too. Again, I still can't fault him for his logic in killing a mutant tyrant.

Before they can think about killing tyrants or surviving yet another dystopian future, the X-men have to stop Apocalypse's horsemen first. One of them happens to be Old Man Logan infused with a the Venom symbiote and its main target is a teenage Jean Grey. Pretty sure that's how 90 percent of tentacle porn starts out. In this case, however, it doesn't get quite that disturbing.

Iceman, fresh off kicking Deadpool's ass, helps O5 Jean connect with the mind of the symbiote. It's as disturbing as it sounds, but it works. It gives O5 Jean yet another chance to be more badass than most teenage girls dare to be. It's another step in an ongoing trend to make O5 Jean the kind of Jean Grey that doesn't need rescuing every other issue and doesn't faint the second someone breathes on her too hard. Time-displaced or not, it's definitely a step up from tentacle porn. It also frees Old Man Logan, who is old, grumpy, and pissed off. That means the fight is actually even now.

Then, the X-men remember that they have Glob fucking Herman on their team and it's not as even as they think. Nothing against Glob, but he's not exactly the kind of guy who can go multiple rounds with the horsemen of Apocalypse. There's no shame in that though. Few who aren't experienced X-men or survived dating Emma Frost are equipped for such a feat. At the very least, it serves to piss Old Man Logan off even more and just like that, the fight is even again.

It's bound to get uneven again at some point, as most battles involving Apocalypse do. That's all the more reason for Magik to get her demon-loving ass in gear. However, she still has to deal with yet another horrific vision of another horrific future where someone she tried to help fucks the world over. Sapna's future daughters say it's because Magik didn't guide her properly that she took her frustrations out on the whole fucking world. They're still assuming that a demon-loving teenage girl is a healthy influence for another teenage girl with a death fetish, but I guess less shitty options are the only options the X-men get these days.

It's still a personal issue for Magik and unfortunately, we don't get much of a reaction from her. She's just like, "Oh, one of my demon pupils went crazy and killed the world? Meh. I'll fix that later." Granted, Magik isn't one for melodrama, but it's still somewhat lacking. At the very least, it sets up another intriguing conflict for the X-men down the line. Sure, it involves another dystopian future, but can we really expect anything else at this point?

We sure as shit can't expect the X-men to defeat an Apocalypse-powered Colossus with limited manpower and Glob Herman as backup. Even a pissed off Old Man Logan has his limits. It makes for some pretty intense action that allows Hamberto Ramos to really kick ass with his art. At this point, Colossus kicks more ass than Apocalypse has during this entire event. Considering how whiny and reserved he's been since Avengers vs. X-men, it's a welcome change.

It only gets uneven again when Magik arrives, this time in the X-men's favor. Colossus may have the power of a horseman. Magik has a demon sword and the strength of a pissed off teenage girl. It's not a fair fight and makes for a nice spectacle to say the least. Considering that this is a story involving Apocalypse and shitty futures, that's perfectly appropriate and downright satisfying.

Colossus is defeated. Omega World is still falling apart around them, but they still won. That counts for something, right? Moral victories are the best the X-men can hope for these days, especially in a world dominated by Fox lawyers and Inhumans. I'm sure Marvel is tempted to just let the X-men die here so they can make way for more shitty Inhumans comics, but I guess they know on some levels they can't screw themselves too much.

Storm and Nightcrawler show up again, this time with a wounded Apocalypse. Their first instinct is to kill him. That's a perfectly reasonable instinct if ever there was one. However, Storm makes clear that they need him to save Colossus. It's a tough sell, letting Apocalypse live and taking him back to the past. It doesn't matter though. She's the fucking leader of the X-men now so what she says goes. Plus, Omega World is still falling apart so arguing with Storm isn't a productive use of time.

Thanks to Magik, they go back to the past. They escape yet another dystopian future. All should be good again, right? Well, they're still stuck living in a fucking demon realm while Inhumans wave their dicks in the face of every mutant in the world so I guess it's all relative. However, there is one minor issue that fucks up the present more than the future. Colossus didn't exactly land in the same place as them.

This naturally pisses off the X-men. The problem is, they can't be pissed off enough to kill Apocalypse because he's still the key to saving Colossus. Tactically speaking, that's pretty damn smart. He just ensured that he can keep fucking with the X-men in the present and not just the future. It's hard to respect someone like Apocalypse, but even I admit that's pretty damn cunning.

So where exactly did Colossus land? Well, Apocalypse shows again that he's pretty damn cunning. Lemire also nicely sets up the next conflict on top of Magik having to stop a teenage mutant with a death fetish. Colossus, still a horseman at this point, pops right in at a Clan Akkaba rally. That's like magically dropping me into a whiskey distillery. It's wonderfully appropriate in that it's bound to lead to all sorts of crazy shit that may or may not screw a few people over. Provided Colossus keeps his pants on more than I would if I spent too much time in a whiskey distillery, it opens the door to some intriguing conflicts.

So...is it awesome?

Well there's a lot of shit going on in Extraordinary X-men #12 and for the non-sober crowd, it's hard to keep up with at times. That said, Jeff Lemire manages to keep things fairly concise. The chaos never gets too overwhelming, even for a non-sober mind. The conflict ends. The X-men save their asses, even if they can't save this fucked up future. However, they do set the stage for the next shit storm and they won't even have to time travel for it. That alone has me plenty intrigued.

Some characters really get to shine here. Storm, Nightcrawler, and Magik all do their part. Others kind of just take up space, but not in a bad way. Everyone finds a way to contribute in Extraordinary X-men #12. There's not a whole lot of drama, but there is a lot of action, a lot of intrigue, and a lot of apocalyptic shit to go around. It's refined, concise, and coherent. These days, that might as well be worth its weight in adamantium.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

All-New X-men #11: Nuff Said!

As kids, we tend to be overly simplistic in our logic. If it means we don't get a cookie or can't watch cartoons, it's inherently evil. The same logic applies to our understanding of villains. We see Lex Luthor, Apocalypse, or the ugly ass girl in a Disney movie and immediately assume they're the villain. We're usually right, but these days that childish logic just isn't enough. If it were, Family Guy wouldn't have been canceled twice.

Dennis Hopeless is kicking that logic in the balls with Apocalypse Wars. He is rewriting our understanding of who Apocalypse is. He makes the case in the pages of All-New X-men that any kid growing up around the Sand Stormers is bound to become a genocidal asshole. It's just a matter of inspiring the genocidal tendencies in any kid. Now, Kid Apocalypse and O5 Beast are trying to change that. Fate, destiny, and dick-fighting over movie rights are working against them. All-New X-men #11 shows how much they succeed or fuck up. I'm not used to rooting for Apocalypse, but if I just picture a younger Oscar Isaac, I find it's easier.

Not going to lie. I really am rooting for Kid Apocalypse this time and my inner woman doesn't need to picture Oscar Isaac naked to justify it. In the last issue, Dennis Hopeless put time and effort into showing Kid Apocalypse getting to know the boy who is destined to become the Big Bad Asshole Apocalypse. It's more time and effort than some people spend on their hygiene. It doesn't just paint Apocalypse in a new light. It gives Kid Apocalypse a fuckton of incentive to save this kid before he becomes that big bad asshole he doesn't want to be.

This means working with young En Sabah Nur to save O5 Beast in a way that won't end with someone embracing genocidal tendencies. This already leaves them half-fucked. Young En Sabah Nur explains how the Sand Stormers don't fuck around. They arrange meetings in places so tough to defend that Zack Snyder can make multiple movies out of it. That means they have to walk into a trap with their dicks hanging out and a big target on their ass. I'm still rooting for Kid Apocalypse, but even I can see how fucked they are.

There's no Solid Snake style stealth or elaborate Mystique level deception. Kid Apocalypse and young En Sabah Nur ride right into the trap where they find O5 Beast in a semi-crucified state. That is to say he isn't dead, but probably wishes he were. I won't say he deserves worse because he isn't quite the same douche as his adult self, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't appreciate this moment to some degree.

Kid Apocalypse and his non-genocidal counterpart easily free him. It's too easy, essentially confirming that they are definitely walking into a trap. This is like every James Bond movie ever made. It's going to all go to shit at some point before they start passing out martinis. They already went swimming with a topless girl in the last issue so it's only a matter of time before they endure a heavy punch to the dick.

As such, nobody whose attention span is longer than Dory from Finding Nemo can say they're surprised when the trap is sprung. It's not quite the same spectacle as a typical Zach Snyder movie, but it is fitting. The creepy old blind guy who spends way too much time in tents with teenage boys shows up and uses a little Dr. Strange type magic to capture En Sabah Nur. That means he's going back to the Sand Stormers where his genocidal proclivities will be back on track. Not saying it's a very elaborate trap, but it gets the job done. Work smart, not hard. It applies just as much to Ancient Egypt as it does to the 21st century.

Naturally, Kid Apocalypse is pissed. Lucky for him, the Sand Stormers are nice enough to throw some troops at him, thinking they have a chance at containing a pissed off teenage boy. Clone or no clone, even the ancients have no excuses. Pissed off teenagers can never be contained. Not in this era and not in any era. When that teenage boy just sees his hopes at fixing his fucked up destiny, he's extra pissed.

However, it's because Kid Apocalypse connected with his younger self that his anger feels more meaningful than a typical teenage temper tantrum. He comes so close to getting En Sabah Nur away from the asshole Sand Stormers. Then, some creepy old guy with magic fucks everything up. He's right to be pissed. It's usually hard rooting for pissed off teenagers in any situation, but it's amazingly easy this time around. It's a testament to the time and effort that Hopeless put into Kid Apocalypse.

Despite doing exactly what everyone in the universe expected and falling into the Sand Stormer's trap, Kid Apocalypse is determined to save his younger self. He didn't come this close, go swimming with a topless girl, and connect with his younger self to just throw his hands up. That's something the Inhumans do. That's not what X-men do.

However, this leads a tough argument with O5 Beast and yes, O5 Beast does find a way to come off as a total ass. While Kid Apocalypse's destiny remains in flux, O5 Beast remains right on track to become the asshole we know and despise. He basically tries to tell Kid Apocalypse that it's no use. Not only that, they may tear the timeline one too many assholes. On top of that, if he saves his younger self, he might not even exist. Kid Apocalypse doesn't give a shit. Unlike O5 Beast, he's actually willing to make a noble, genuine sacrifice. Compare that to O5 Beast's older self, who joined the fucking Inhumans.

It's a great moment for Kid Apocalypse. It makes me root for him even more. We know now that a big part of Apocalypse's douche-bagger came from just spending too much time with the Sand Stormers. He wants to create a better future for him. How much good could someone like Apocalypse do if he got the chance? Not going to lie. That's an intriguing thought. Maybe he would make it so that every teenage boy has a chance to go swimming with a topless girl. How much better would that world be?

The Sand Stormers are intent on denying us that world. They truly are assholes. Ba'al is getting ready to put young En Sabah Nur through some ritual that will help make him a man, but we all know that's just code for making him pro-genocide. I get that every culture has manhood rituals. I just think that any ritual beyond spankings, tea-bagging, and drinking dog piss are excessive.

Kid Apocalypse must feel the same way because he comes storming in, trying to disrupt the ritual in the most blunt way possible. Again, there are no tactics, no subtlety, and no cunning of any kind. Again, he's a pissed off teenage boy. You can't expect a lot of cunning from that.

That's not to say there aren't some tactics involved. While Kid Apocalypse is doing what pissed off teenage boys do, O5 Beast is trying to be productive. That involves finding the Third Eye of Horus, which brought them to this time in the first place. He also has to avoid the creepy old guy/mystic as well. He better clench his asshole tight is what I'm saying.

It makes for an intense, dramatic battle. Kid Apocalypse takes on Ba'al and there's no ambiguity here. We know who to root for. Even if he does have hidden genocidal tendencies, Ba'al makes clear throughout Apocalypse Wars that he's still the bigger asshole. He doesn't just inspire genocide in others. He probably jerks off to it every night. There are some great moments with Kid Apocalypse. He makes clear that he's willing to nullify his own existence in order to change the future and save his younger self. It may or may not be a futile effort, but it's hard to deny the kid's passion and heart.

That's why it's so damn heartbreaking when O5 Beast once again steps in to be the necessary asshole. He stops Kid Apocalypse in the middle of the fight, having retrieved the relic, and transports them back to the future. On some levels, it is a reasonable recourse. They've probably done enough damage to the timeline, giving young En Sabah Nur some time away from the Sand Stormers. They need to get the fuck back before Beast can claim he's fucked up the timeline as both an adult and time-displaced teenager.

While reasonable on some levels, it's still a dick move. It still basically ends the battle too abruptly. Kid Apocalypse doesn't get a chance to say goodbye to his younger self. We don't get a hint of what kind of person Apocalypse would be if he didn't have the Sand Stormers encouraging genocidal hobbies. The drama is there, but the way they just up and leave feels so abrupt. It's an overly simplistic resolution to a conflict that had grown so dramatic.

I'm still rooting for Kid Apocalypse. However, if you read this and still don't think Beast is a douche, then you're just being difficult.

They return to the present. Near as they can tell, the timeline is intact. That may be necessary at a time when Marvel is fucking around with cosmic cubes and retcons, but it's still bittersweet. It still feels rushed and forced. That doesn't take away from the dramatic impact on Kid Apocalypse. He finally knows with more certainty that being a genocidal asshole isn't innate. It takes nurturing from assholes like the Sand Stormers and O5 Beast just doomed his younger self to a live with those assholes. That, in some respects, makes O5 Beast an even bigger asshole. It's sad, but that's what we've come to expect from O5 Beast.

So...is it awesome?

Well before I answer, let me say this. Hank McCoy is a dick, regardless of whether or not he's time displaced. All I'll say about his O5 self is that at least he pretends to have a reason for being a dick. It's not always a good reason, but unlike my old gym teacher, I do give points for trying. The reason he gives in All-New X-men #11, which effectively dooms Kid Apocalypse, is lacking. Then again, it isn't exactly a new reason. Changing the future and fucking up the timeline is kind of what the O5 do every second they exist in the future. So it's not like he pulled the reason out of his ass. He's not a televangilist.

Even so, Dennis Hopeless still manages to give All-New X-men #11 a heavy impact. He succeeds in using Apocalypse Wars to rewrite our understanding of who Apocalypse is. Granted, it didn't end up fucking over the timeline. However, the timeline is fucked enough thanks to the O5, Inhumans who predict the future, and deals with Mephisto. I can't really blame him for not wanting to fuck it up even more. The impact might be somewhat muted in the end, but it still has more kick than a light beer or the last two Seth Rogan movies. Hopeless proves that it is possible for Apocalypse to be a more well-rounded character. That's a hell of an accomplishment and he didn't even need Oscar Isaac's sex appeal to do it.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Extraordinary X-men #11: Nuff Said!

Let's face it. We're all conditioned to root for the cute teenage girl in any story that involves a monster, serial killer, creepy old man. Naturally, Apocalypse Wars panders to this sentiment, as every slasher movie has since the mid-70s. Extraordinary X-men already caters to every sentiment X-men fans have ever had about apocalyptic futures and for the most part, it works. It doesn't suck on the level of a Matrix sequel or Wolverine Origins. It doesn't break much new ground either, which has kept the story from being interesting. So far, it's biggest accomplishment is creating sexual tension between Old Man Logan and Storm while establishing how much Glob Herman wants to bone O5 Jean.

Those accomplishments are respectable in the same way that losing a dick measuring contest with Ron Jeremy is respectable. Except now Jeff Lemire is dumping some habanero sauce into the mix. He threw a Venom-powered Old Man Logan into the conflict alongside an Apocalypse-infused Colossus. With O5 Jean still so young and vulnerable, like every camp counselor ever at Crystal Lake, I'm sufficiently intrigued by what Extraordinary X-men #11 has to offer.

Like most overly innocent teenage girls, O5 Jean tries to reason with the monster first. She goes into Old Man Logan's mind, hoping to help him fight the Venom symbiote. The fact she does this fully clothed may give her an advantage in a slasher movie, but against a version of Wolverine, she might have been better off flashing him her tits. She tries to be genuine, heartfelt, and encouraging. She's Jean Grey. That's one of her strengths. This not being the first moment she's shared with Old Man Logan, her effort has real depth to it.

However, she still might have been better off flashing him her tits. This isn't just Wolverine. This is Old Man Logan. He's killed all his friends before without the aid of a symbiote. O5 Jean might as well give flowers to Jason Vorhees. It's only going to make shit messier.

Despite sincere effort, Old Man Logan is now old, grumpy, and fueled by a venom symbiote. Like giving a racist a Twitter feed, it doesn't bode well for anyone. O5 Jean is forced to fight him while the rest of the X-men fight the other horsemen of Apocalypse. It sets up a battle that is epic in principle, but not in execution. Hamberto Ramos' art makes it colorful and pretty, but other than O5 Jean's efforts to save Old Man Logan, it feels somewhat muted. It's still more exciting than typical chase in a slasher movie, but Oscar Issac's performance in X-men: Apocalypse has set a higher bar and this one doesn't quite reach it.

That's quite a feat for a battle that involves a horsemen version of Deadpool. Except, Apocalypse Wars takes a page right out of the Wolverine Origins playbook and reveals that his mouth got sewn shut so he couldn't unleash unholy pestilence and/or bad poop jokes. Short of adopting the draft strategy for the Cleveland Browns, there aren't many worse models to follow so anyone who actually paid to see Wolverine Origins may have traumatic flashbacks.

This is not to say the battle doesn't have its moments. In addition to O5 Jean's effort with Old Man Logan, the young mutants who shined in earlier issues get to shine again against Colossus. Glob Herman still doesn't do much to make O5 Jean want to bone him, but Ernst really kicks ass here and it's always somewhat satisfying when a D-lister kicks a little ass. Sure, Colossus is a horseman and he's able to fight back and remind them that they're still a long ways from teaming up with Wolverine, Captain America, or even Squirrel Girl. Still, they get to accomplish more than most teenagers not named Kamala Khan.

While the battle in the future rages, there is also another ongoing side-plot in the past. This one involves Magik and her new student, who has powers that allow her to domesticate demons. In terms of a teacher/student relationship, it couldn't be a more fitting dynamic outside a Batman comic or a bad porno. However, that dynamic comes to an unexpected and somewhat forced end.

For reasons that are somewhat vague, Magik's new student decides to leave. She claims she just started having nightmares of killing her teacher. She's young. I don't think she understands that every teenager feels that way about certain teachers at some point. Granted, her dreams involve real demons, but it still feels abrupt and shallow. There is some heartfelt words in her goodbye note to Magik, but they're hardly Pixar level heartfelt. Anyone who saw Inside Out last year is not going to be very moved.

Back in the future, there's still plenty of battle to go around and it's not the kind of battle that would ever make it into a Pixar movie. Sensing that fighting Old Man Logan/Venom without O5 Jean willing to flash her tits is a losing battle, Nightcrawler and Storm decide to skip a couple steps and fight the source of this shit storm.

It also gives Nightcrawler a chance to show that his balls have descended again, which is important since he's dealing with Storm and he gave her a lot of reasons to question the integrity of those balls earlier in the series. He wants to prove himself by helping her take down Apocalypse. Short of getting nude pictures from Emma Frost, I can't think of a better way for any X-man to prove himself.

Nightcrawler and Storm channel their inner Indiana Jones, minus the Crystal Skull, and navigate Apocalypse's lair. It's full of the same traps and shit that Indiana Jones faces every other Thursday, but it also has Moon Knight standing in their way. Pretty sure Indiana Jones would have problems with that. There are just some obstacles that can't be overcome by a whip and an awesome hat.

It does give Nightcrawler another chance to prove himself and he succeeds. He's able to fight off Moon Knight and I'm a bit more convinced that his balls have at least partially descended. It's hard to say whether Storm is convinced, but I think she's more confident. Probably still would've helped if he got some nude pics of Emma Frost, but one step at a time I guess.

Finally, they reach Apocalypse. I won't say it's anti-climactic, but I will say that without Oscar Isaac, it's hard to have the right impact. He's not that imposing. He looks like a Vegan with food poisoning. It's like he spent most of his future in a shitty retirement home in Mississippi. He claims to be the heart of Omega World and I guess that's pretty strenuous. While this does provide a legitimate reason why he's not as imposing as before, it also limits the scale of the battle that follows.

That's not to say Apocalypse is a pushover though. Even at his weakest, he can still kick more ass than most people not named Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. In some respects, it makes the battle between him and Storm much more even. That doesn't stop Apocalypse from reminding her that mutants had their shot and they fucked up. He already decided that they shouldn't survive. She's just pissing into the wind at this point and blaming Cyclops for it. Can't say he's entirely wrong in his sentiment either.

Now the final battle against Apocalypse and the ongoing battle with his horsemen is escalating. It's all coming together in a final clash to decide the future. It's the kind of shit that gives X-men an appeal that the racist, Xenophobic, slave-owning Inhumans will never have. This battle might not be on the same level as Secret Wars, Messiah Complex, or even Deadpool fighting off squealing Ryan Reynolds fans. It is somewhat generic, but it's still a battle that has all the classic elements of an X-men vs. Apocalypse clash. It doesn't have Sophie Turner, Jennifer Lawrence, or Oscar Isaac to give it some extra personality, but other than sewing Deadpool's mouth shut, it doesn't fuck up the formula too much.

It only becomes overly fucked when Nightcrawler shows up, having failed to save the ark of mutant embryos that instigated this shit storm in the first place. So how does he make up for it? He fucking impales Apocalypse with his sword. Okay, I'll say it now. Nightcrawler's balls are back and I'll gladly fondle them to make up for all the times I called him a whiny little bitch. Sure, stabbing a weakened Apocalypse is like winning a fight against a hung over Jackie Chan. It's still a badass feat none-the-less.

Unfortunately, it also means that the X-men are now fully fucked. They're stuck in the future, remember? Apocalypse is the heart of Omega World. If he does, what happens to Omega World? Same thing that happens when you rip the heart out of anything. Nightcrawler may have doomed the X-men, but at least he'll die with a full set of balls and I guess that's something.

So...is it awesome?

Well there's a lot of apocalyptic action and ominous foreboding, but that's fairly typical for the course for the penultimate issue of a major story. Shit is dire and grim. Again, it's the penultimate issue. It would be weird if the X-men didn't face a grim scenario where they are about to die, get exiled in the future, or be stuck in a locked cage with Deadpool for all eternity. There aren't a whole lot of revelations and there aren't a lot of tie-ins with the other X-men comics. It's not overly complicated or convoluted either, which is as rare as a decent Johnny Depp movie these days. So Extraordinary X-men #11 doesn't drop an atomic shit bomb or anything.

That said, it's not going to make anyone's panties wet. The character drama and personal moments that highlighted earlier issues aren't as intense. The clash with Apocalypse feels underwhelming. This is a guy who had to be taken down by the Phoenix in X-men: Apocalypse. Yet here, he's taken down by a sword that World of Warcraft fans probably have laying in their closet somewhere? Not saying that kills the story, but nobody can say their assholes clenched at any point during this battle. With one issue left though, Apocalypse Wars still has plenty going for it. The fact it resorts to sewing Deadpool's mouth shut gives me cause for concern though.

Final Score: 6 out of 10