Clear Skies and Clearer Understanding: Storm #11

The following is my review of Storm #11, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There are certain characters whose appeal we'll never understand. Can anyone truly claim they know why Andy Dick had his own show or why Rebecca Black had a hit single? On the other end of the spectrum are characters like Storm, whose appeal goes beyond any viral video or Twitter trend. She's as much an icon for the X-men as Wonder Woman is for the Justice League. It's gotten to the point where we can accept a world where the X-men can function without Wolverine, settling instead for clones or inverted enemies. But we can't accept a world where the X-men can function without Storm. Just ask Black Panther.

In many respects, Greg Pak's has done for Storm what Grant Morrison did for Superman in his All-Star Superman series. He makes concepts like killing giant robots or humiliating the Lex Luthors of the world secondary. Instead, he focuses on fleshing out the defining traits that make us love Ororo Munroe.

Throughout this series, he's touched on many core aspects of her character. There's Storm, the dedicated teacher. There's Storm, the dedicated humanitarian. And there's Storm, the woman who just lost her lover. But no matter which Storm she is, she's a character that commands love and respect. And she does it while looking sexier than Superman ever could. She doesn't even need an obscenely revealing costume designed by Rob Liefeld either. It's one of the many testaments to Storm's character.

So before Secret Wars blinds everyone to the simpler pleasures of refined, likable characters, Pak explores one more core trait to Storm's character in Storm #11. And it's a trait that truly epitomizes the concept of the X-men as a whole. The imagery of Charles Xavier's bald head or Wolverine's chest hair might be more defining to some. But for Storm, the act of reaching out to a scared and unstable young mutant is what defines the X-men.

It's this act that Storm has raised to an art form that Pablo Picasso himself would admire. And she has to push her skills in this craft to their very limit because she has to deal with the kind of unstable mutant that wouldn't even be welcome on the set of Jerry Springer. Kenji Uedo, once the least unstable member of Generation Hope, has returned and he's still as unstable as ever. And since nobody has cared about Hope Summers since Andrew Luck's rookie season, he's taking his anger out on Storm.

In this respect, he chose the perfect target. Storm is the very antithesis of who he is. In addition to being a blatant Akira rip-off, Kenji is the ugliest manifestation of mutants. He's obscenely disfigured, exceedingly unstable, and can't be controlled. On the other end of the spectrum, Storm embodies beauty that even Hallie Berry couldn't sufficiently capture and power so balanced that it can end famine and bring joy. They're still similar in the sense that they both have the power to unleash untold destruction. The main difference is that Storm chooses to use that power to bring peace while Kenji chooses to use that power to make the world his personal toilet bowl.

Beyond just the physical and personal struggles, Kenji attempts to break Storm's spirit down by touching on all those she has interacted with throughout this series. Every struggle that has helped emphasize why she's the most iconic and beloved X-man in history is brought into the fold. It's a perfectly structured act of convergence that DC Comics should take note of. It effectively raises the emotional and personal stakes for Storm. And true to the goddess we know and love, she rises to the occasion in ways that even an army of Hallie Berry's couldn't capture.

Storm exercises every level of her strengths. First, she shows off the kind of power she has over the elements. Kenji, being an immature mutant who hasn't destroyed enough killer robots to call himself an X-man, tries to break Storm by attacking all the friends and allies she reconnected with over the course of the series. Instead of breaking, she gives Kenji a lesson that he won't get outside of an old Catholic school. In an act that would make Spinal Tap proud, she turns the volume up on her powers to 11 and creates a dazzling weather display that effectively purges Kenji's Akira-inspired attacks off the world. However, it's her second attack that is truly defining.

She was still in a position to give Kenji the kind of discipline that even the most sadistic nun wouldn't condone. She has more than enough power to make him wish he was born without skin. However, she chooses not to fight him. Instead, she and the friends she made in this series connect with Kenji. In doing so, she shows him that she too has an ugly side. She has a history of making bad mistakes and not just because of her choice in haircuts. She may carry herself with a beauty and grace that would inspire countless Sir-Mix-A-Lot songs, but she is still as flawed as he is. She just chooses to be something greater.

This is what ends up winning the battle. She doesn't have to kill or even hurt Kenji. She just has to inspire him. This is what makes Storm who she is. This is why she embodies the best of what the X-men have to offer. Cyclops may have the love of hot telepathic women. Wolverine may have the chest hair and bad boy appeal. Charles Xavier may have wisdom and likeness of Patrick Stewart. But Storm has the heart.

It is the best possible conclusion for a series. Storm #11 effectively links all the elements that have been explored throughout this series into one, concise narrative that acts as a love letter to Storm fans of every era. She is the last remaining anchor in the world of X-men that champions their ideals. She has the kind of spirit and heart that the Inhumans will never be able to match, although they'll certainly try. There are so many traits that make Storm the ultimate X-man. It's impossible for any issue or series to cover them all, but this one made a truly worthy effort.

Final Score: 10 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #26

When it comes to the X-men, it’s hard for anything they face to feel overly exotic. This is a team that deals with aliens, gods, dictators, and religious bigots all in the same week. It’s hard to put them in a situation that’ll feel genuinely novel. That doesn’t mean the stories of these situations can’t be awesome. If people got tired of seeing their favorite characters follow a familiar formula with their adventures, the Simpsons wouldn’t have lasted over 25 years. And in the same way I enjoy the Simpsons, I enjoy seeing the X-men deal with crazy yet familiar challenges.

There’s nothing all that mind-blowing about the latest clusterfuck the X-women have encountered. They’re trapped in a deep, subterranean realm in the Black Rock Desert and one of them happens to be horribly claustrophobic. It sounds like both an adventure and an upcoming reality show on NBC. While it would suck as a reality show, it has done a good job of putting the X-women in a situation that brings out the strengths of their characters. Some have shown more strength than others. That’s hard to avoid in a team that has both Storm and Monet in its ranks. Nobody’s going to feel their mind and heart race in this story without the aid from some really good weed, but X-men #26 still has plenty to offer. But does it deliver? It does, but not in the way you might expect.

For a good chunk of this arc, the X-women have been stumbling around in this cave trying to figure out why it’s trying to become Earth’s latest rectal wart not caused by fracking. Somewhere along the line, they uncovered that it’s part of yet another Kree clusterfuck and this one didn’t even have the decency to give a hot blonde superpowers. It just created the kind of death trap that the X-men find themselves in at least once a month. At this point, they’re done playing Indiana Jones. They just want to get the fuck out before they have to outrun giant boulders. And since this cave is being fueled by Kree douche-baggery, it doesn’t make it easy for them.

Rachel, Psylocke, and Monet’s escape attempts are a lot more ambitious than Indiana Jones, but the cave just doesn’t want to let a bunch of pretty women out of it. I want to say I can’t blame it, but this cave has already displayed a Robert Durst level of creepy so I’ll stop myself. They’re able to escape, but not without feeling they just spent a weekend in Tony Stark’s bungalow. Then Storm shows up and it’s no longer a balanced battle.

Now Storm is supposed to be the claustrophobic one here. In fact, she’s been dealing with that shit for a good chunk of this arc. She’s been dealing with it to the point where it starts to drag. Finally, she decides to kick that phobia in the dick and join her friends. It’s not just an awesome display of how she can dry-hump nature on a whim. It also makes for an emotional reunion. She actually takes the time to embrace her friends. It may sound like the premise of most lesbian porn, but it actually has heart. It still gives me a boner. That doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate it though.

The emotional reunion lasts about as long as a Van Halen reunion because that cave isn’t done being a Kree-fueled asshole. It decides it’s no longer content just being the topic of a National Geographic documentary. It’s going to take a page right out Ghostbusters and become a big rampaging monster that’s nowhere near as adorable as the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. Even though it’s in the middle of a fucking desert, that desert just happens to be the site of some hipster goth concert. So there are plenty of people to crush. I know this probably doesn’t need to be said, but fuck the Kree.

The X-men go to work doing what they do whenever they see a giant monster and/or killer robot. They even have a chance to meet up with Gambit, who has done basically jack shit in this story. For all we know, he was having a three-way with a couple of goth chicks. And he keeps on doing jack shit as Storm and Rachel Grey attempt to attack the rock monster. It immediately tries to give them the Ray Rice treatment. But these are the X-women. Even a cave monster has to worry about more than a four-game suspension and a dipshit casino security guard.

It doesn’t exactly make for an epic battle on part with the final battle in Terminator 2. Rachel Grey actually tries to be the one that delivers the finishing blow. She fails miserably and that’s kind of a running theme with her. She’s such a powerhouse, but she does so much nothing in every X-men comic she’s in that she might as well be Brett Favre’s backup. It’s a symptom of a much bigger problem involving Rachel Grey as a character, but one that’s no more egregious than usual in the face of a giant rock monster.

Despite another self-deprecating moment, Rachel Grey gets a nice save from Jubilee, who has tried to contribute to this story as best a mutant-vampire/teen mother can. She flies in on one of the X-men’s many mini-jets and catch’s Rachel because I guess she just hasn’t been marginalized enough. But being part of the X-women, it’s fitting that she shows up since she has been working behind the scenes with Beast to figure out why this cave is more fucked up than any hole in the desert that nobody besides Bear Gylles would go.

It makes for another emotional reunion followed by more hugs. Again, that moment gets ruined when the big fucking rock monster crushes Jubilee’s mini-jet. I’m pretty sure that warrants combing Beast’s fur for a week. Given all the jets the X-men lose, they’re probably numb to such horrors.

The X-women make another attack. This time, Jubilee offers some advice. This thing is a result of yet another Kree fuck-up. Instead of creating another Captain Marvel, it created a pissed off rock monster. So maybe it makes more sense to reach out to that rock monster or at least make it think happy thoughts before they kick its rocky ass. It’s not the same as Chuck Norris just cracking his knuckles and hoping the sound of his bones is enough to shatter the monster, but it does offer something a little deeper than the typical monster/giant robot fight.

It also has the added benefit of allowing Rachel Grey to reveal just what’s pissing this creature off so much. It adds some details about the Kree fuck-up that created it. Surprise, some dip-shit humans helped add to it. First, a Kree satellite crashed because I guess that’s what Kree technology is best at doing. Then some dip-shit humans tried to turn it into a weapon and made it into a monster instead. Then a Kree soldier arrives to piss off said monster. It’s not so much a tragedy as it is a comedy of douche-baggery.

At the very least, the X-women show it some level of mercy. Rachel Grey makes sure the creature is numb before Storm blows it the fuck up in the most spectacular way possible. It is a little overly efficient in that it basically shows that Rachel Grey should never be on the front lines of a giant monster fight. But the added details about this creature help give its destruction some weight, which is something we don’t normally get when the X-men destroy a monster/killer robot. We’re just content to see shit blow up. That’s all well and good for a Transformers movie, but depth helps make it meaningful.

The X-women finally have a chance to catch their breath and the would-be concert-goers can finally stop shitting themselves. This is usually the part where they just shrug their shoulders and go onto fight the next killer monster that comes their way. But again, we get a little extra added depth.

They stand in the ruins of the creature and muse over the douche-baggery and incompetence that created it. On some levels, it was a tragedy because this monster wasn’t rubbing elbows with the Red Skull or anything. It was a victim of another Kree-inspired shit storm. And the X-women had to be the ones to put it down. It makes the moment more bittersweet, but in a good way.

It also makes for a sweet moment between Storm and Jubilee back at the Jean Grey Institute. Even though it was probably her claustrophobia fucking with her, Storm had visions of Wolverine in that cave. It adds a little extra emotion to a story that involved giant rock monster, which in and of itself is an accomplishment. It also shows that Wolverine’s death still has impact, even if the lawyers at Marvel Studios wish it didn’t.

Jubilee even tries to honor the dead rock monster in some weird yet fitting way. She takes a piece of it and gives it to Karoka, the Jean Grey Institute’s resident lawn monster. It’s a nice way of ensuring they don’t completely shrug off the tragedy that created this monster. And it gives Karoka hope that one day another Kree fuck-up will turn a mountain into a big-titted woman rock monster. Let’s face it. At the rate the Kree fuck up, that’s bound to happen at some point.

In terms of the larger arc, this story has dragged at times. That’s not to say it dragged as much as the last Martin Scorsese movie, but the X-women spent a bit too much time stumbling around in the dark. However, this issue offered a nice payoff to all that stumbling. They finally got the fuck out of that cave and kicked ass as only X-women can. But they ended up doing more than just destroy a rampaging rock monster. That’s the kind of shit anyone can see on a Power Rangers rerun. They found time to inject a little heart into the struggle. Sure, it still ended with Storm exercising her inner goddess and shattering the monster in ways no megazord can boast, but there was more to it and that helped give the story its impact.

Beyond fighting a rock monster, there was still time for nice character moments. Even Karoka got in on the act. Sure, some characters like Rachel Grey might as well be extras on a Star Trek rerun at this point. However, the characters that did have moments made the most of them. This extra bit of emotion is what has made the X-women awesome and worthy of their own series. This arc didn’t play to all their strengths, but it did enough to be satisfying. I give X-men #26 a 7 out of 10. So now the Kree have found a way to fuck with humans and mutants alike. Can someone just put a big sign on the moon at this point and tell the Kree to fuck off until the Captain Marvel movie comes out? I think everyone in the Marvel universe is tired of their shit at this point. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Spider-Man and the X-men #6

Like peanut butter and jelly or Jack Daniels and coke, there are just some combinations that work. And for a long time, Wolverine and Spider-Man was among those combinations. It was right up there with Emma Frost and She-Hulk as the most fitting team-up. These two were like the ultimate buddy cop movie. They carried themselves so differently, but they found a way to make it work in the most awesome way possible. Then Wolverine had to go get himself killed and like David Spade without Chris Farley, we lost something.

That loss still hurts, but it hasn't stopped Spider-Man from honoring his fallen friend. He's been trying to do just that in Spider-Man and the X-men as a teacher at the Jean Grey School. For the most part, he's either failed miserably or found a way to piss off all of Wolverine's old friends. But he's done it in a way that has been fun and entertaining, even if it has lacked depth and refinement. I admit a part of me reads this and thinks, "I'd much rather see Spider-Man and Wolverine kick the Kingpins ass and then bang a dozen redheaded strippers." Instead, I'm reading about Spider-Man tripping over his ass trying to find a mole in the Jean Grey Institute and continually pissing off Storm in the process. It has been entertaining, but it just hasn't been the same. Spider-Man and the X-men #6 is supposed to up the stakes. But it still has a long ways to go before it can be on the same level as Spidy and Wolverine getting drunk at a bar.

That said, it’s not too many levels down after Spidy finds out who that mole was that Wolverine wanted him to fine. And as it just so happens, that mole was working with Sinister, the only X-men villain who can make Norman Osborn seem less creepy without impregnating Gwen Stacy. At the end of the previous issue, Ernst finally revealed to Spider-Man that she had been the one looking to screw the X-men over. But she didn’t do it just so she could take a nice steaming shit on Wolverine’s grave. She did it for a friend.

I can write that with a straight face because even though she worked with Sinister, she doesn’t come off as a total dick. She reveals that she helped Sinister because he promised to create a new body for her disembodied friends, No Girl. It’s a surprisingly serious and sincere motivation in a story that has been about as serious as a physics lecture by Sarah Palin. It adds some much needed balance, even as Spider-Man jokes with Sinister while he’s tied down to a gurney. Yes, he jokes even in the face of Mr. Sinister. He’s Spider-Man. Even a deal with Mephisto can’t keep him from making these kind of shitty wise-cracks, but that’s a big part of why we still love him despite Andrew Garfield’s attempts to change that.

All joking aside, Spider-Man is exceedingly screwed in ways he probably hasn’t been since the last time he banged Black Cat. The only ones who have any idea he’s in trouble and give enough of a shit to do about it are his students, who he’s been trying to motivate with laughably limited success. But being teenagers, they’re inclined to get a little curious when their teacher disappears. Being curious in a way that would get most teenagers pregnant by their junior year, they decide to do more than just tweet about it and investigate.

They find out that someone roughed Spider-Man up and not with pumpkin bombs or metal arms either. Since one of them has the tracking skills and the head of a shark, they can sniff him out. And since teenagers aren’t prone to thinking things through, hence the prevalence of shitty tattoos and body piercings, they decide to go after it. And since they have mutant powers, they’re less inclined to be stopped. Who the fuck would try to stop a guy with rocky skin and a girl who looks like a shark?

Back at Sinsiter’s lab, Spider-Man is still trapped and still making jokes. He doesn’t even get too pissed at Ernst. Most teachers I know would’ve gone Catholic School on her ass at this point. But all the joking doesn’t make what Sinister reveals any less disturbing. Despite being a pasty-faced dick, he does fulfill his end of the bargain. He gives No Girl a new body. He just does it in a way that makes him both a dick and a dick with a twisted sense of humor.

The new body he gives her happens to be a clone of Storm. Granted, it’s not the worse body he could’ve given her. He could’ve put her in the body of Rosanne if he wanted. Instead, he put her in a badass weather goddess’ body. I would’ve preferred the body with the boobs of Emma Frost and the ass of Captain Marvel, but that’s just me. What makes it a dick move is that he adds something else that he didn’t tell Ernst. He adds a little fine print to the user agreement that allows him to control her. So she has a body, but she might as well be the pinkie toe instead of the brain. It’s not much of an upgrade.

It still puts Spider-Man in a shitty situation. Him against a clone Storm is not a fair fight. Given his history with clones, he’s probably better off trying to fuck her than fight her. But his students are coming to his rescue, albeit with the competence of a Comcast customer service rep. They’re able to track him down to a mall of all places, which I guess is a nice change of pace from the typical abandoned warehouse. But they only find it just in time to see that Sinister cloned more than Storm. He cloned the rest of the Jean Grey Institute staff as well, including Wolverine.

Even though they’re clones, they still present an unfair fight for Spidy’s students. It still sets up a fairly epic clash. That’s not something I usually say when Spider-Man is involved in a fight with clones. That’s usually a good sign. Any battle involving Spider-Man and clones is taboo for the same reason anything involving star athletes and strip clubs is taboo. But it helps that emotions with Ernst and No-Girl add weight to the battle. Otherwise, it would just be a battle about Sinister being a dick.

The battle is nicely detailed and eventually Spider-Man is freed so he can participate. He gets a chance to give his students what amounts to a pop quiz that’s only slightly less nerve-racking than a Calculus quiz. These students that he’s been trying to motivate in a ways that won’t make Wolverine throw up in his grave actually rally behind him. He’s able to guide them in a way that allows them to one-up these rip-off X-men. Hellion and Eye Boy especially shine, turning clone Iceman’s powers against him. It may or may not be a result of Spider-Man’s teaching, but he definitely deserves a gold star.

But the most intense part of the battle is still with No Girl and Ernst. Sinister doesn’t seem to care that much that his clones are getting their asses kicked by a bunch of teenagers who can probably still count the number of Sentinel attacks they’ve experienced on one hand. He’s more than happy to just watch his creations torment Ernst. He’s probably hiding a huge erection. But that boner quickly gets killed when Spider-Man conveniently tricks a clone of Firestar to burning away the DNA samples that Ernst collected for him. Spider-Man even is a dick about it, but in the most satisfying possible way. Given Sinister’s capacity for doing twisted shit, a dick move like this is both warranted and satisfying.

The battle gets a little less detailed from here. The rest of the team doesn’t really do much while what’s left of Sinister’s clone army continues to rampage. The main struggle is still with No Girl and Ernst. It’s here where we find out that Spider-Man’s efforts to teach these renegade, hormonal mutant teenagers actually succeeded on some levels. His preaching about power and responsibility actually resonated with them. Usually, a message doesn’t resonate with a teenager unless food or internet access is involved. That’s what makes it so meaningful.

Ernst, knowing she betrayed the X-men and aided one of their worst enemies, takes responsibility for her shit and does the right thing. She attacks her friend in a beautifully emotional moment. The themes of power and responsibility really shine here, something that teenagers usually don’t say outside of a made-for-TV Disney movie. But it still feels genuine and in a story that involves clones, that’s saying a lot.

Once Ernst subdues No Girl, she joins up with the others to take on Sinister and his clone army. It’s more than a little messy. She just ripped the brain out of the head of a clone of Storm. Sadly, we don’t get any gruesome details. Those with a weak stomach can breathe a sigh of relief. Those who aren’t afraid to eat pizza they find between couch cushions can sigh in disappointment.

It’s even more disappointing when the battle against Sinister is essentially cut off. Once No Girl is back to being a brain in a jar, we don’t get any more details. The story basically just skips ahead to the aftermath. For a battle that had been pretty visceral, despite involving clones, that’s a pretty big disappointment. Then again, Sinister was now facing a team of unified pissed off teenagers. He had to know he was outmatched at that point.

However the battle ends, the aftermath is still somewhat compelling. Spider-Man has a nice chat with Storm, which is saying something in and of itself given how she’s made it clear in this series that she finds Spider-Man only slightly less annoying than head lice. But during this chat, he talks about what he tried to teach these mutant teenagers. More importantly, these mutant teenagers show the Jean Grey Institute that they appreciated this lesson. They even used it in a real-world situation. How many teenagers who appreciate an algebra lesson an say that?

It makes for a nice bit of insight for each character. These are all D-list X-men characters who don’t usually get a chance to be awesome. But the way they talk to Storm and the Jean Grey Institute staff about their experience with Spider-Man makes them worth giving a few fucks about. They actually show that they’re not just teenagers with powers. They’re capable of using these powers to kick Sinister’s ass, beat up clones, and help civilians. That’s way more progress than most teenagers get without getting drafted.

Their heroics genuinely impress the Jean Grey Institute staff. What impresses them even more is that they actually stick up for Ernst. Whether inspired by Spider-Man or just being less dickish than most teenagers, they urge them not to expel Ernst for working with Sinister. Even Storm admits that she wouldn’t have been the first X-men to work with him. Hell, if they can let Emma Frost join the X-men after the shit she’s done, they have no excuse for ditching Ernst. It’s a nice moment and one that highlights the progress these young mutants have made. It’s more progress than they would’ve gotten by just fighting giant robots too. That’s what makes it unique and meaningful.

They still get disciplined, but not in a way that’ll make them drop cherry bombs down toilets. Spider-Man even goes out of his way to commend his students for being so responsible. They managed to be responsible in the face of evil clones. By Spider-Man’s standard, they’re the mutant equivalent of a playoff caliber football team. He gives them a nice speech and even goes out of his way to apologize to No Girl for thinking she was the mole. It’s probably the most serious tone that Spider-Man has used in this series and its fitting.

It’s also fitting that in the spirit of responsibility, they start helping Spider-Man with his patrols. That’s right. As an extra credit assignment of sorts, they get to become the beta version of Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends. They get to fly with him throughout New York and fight crime. All I’ll say about that is it beats the hell out of study hall.

So in the end, was this series as entertaining as a classic Wolverine/Spider-Man team-up? In my soberish opinion, no. It is not. But then again few things are and this issue came tantalizingly close. It's in the same zip code, even if it isn't in the same neighborhood. This series has been chaotic and uncoordinated at times. It has made a noble effort to capture the fun, entertaining experience that Wolverine and the X-men once had. It only succeeded in part in that respect, but it succeeded in plenty others that helped make up for it.

This issue completed a story that got more side-tracked Keanu Reeves' career. Spider-Man came to the Jean Grey Institute to find a mole. He found that mole, which led to a clash with Sinister and extensive property damage. It wasn't as epic as it could've been, but it was still entertaining. Spider-Man still comes off as the least qualified teacher at the Jean Grey Institute, but that's part of what made it so entertaining. And like a drunken boxer that somehow lands a lucky hit, he managed to get the job done. He got through to his students and even the Jean Grey Institute staff found him less annoying. It may have had the tone of a Looney Toons rerun, but it still had heart and it made for a satisfying conclusion to this series. I give Spider-Man and the X-men #6 a 7 out of 10. I still miss stories about Spider-Man and Wolverine being the ultimate buddy-cop team-up. But if Spider-Man can team-up with shark girls, eye boys, and disembodied brains while Wolverine enjoys his death vacation, I think that'll tide me over in the interim. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Storm #10

There are some characters that find a way to be relatable, yet still have the kind of obscene power that makes gods, goddesses, and congressmen shit themselves. And I’m not talking about the kind of bullshit relatability that Spider-Man claims to have. Nobody not named Tom Brady can be a young, attractive white guy who bangs supermodels and still be relatable. And even though Peter Parker is the kind of guy who the Ted Cruzes and Hillary Clintons of the world would pander to in an election year, I find Storm to be much more relatable.

I know. That sounds like one of those things I say when I’ve had a few too many bong hits or lost a fight with a lawn gnome. But think about it. She’s an outsider who had to fight to survive under circumstances way more shitty than just making a mortgage payment. She’s very different in that she stands out in a crowd, but not to the point where the NYPD would subject her to a stop and frisk for reasons that don’t involve copping a feel. Yet still, she finds a way to be so loving and compassionate to all those around her, even when she’s surrounded by injustice and annoying teenagers.

Compared to that, her weather control powers are her second greatest abilities at best. Her solo series had given everybody so many reminders as to why she’s the most lovable and relatable X-men character in the Marvel Universe that nobody who isn’t in a coma has an excuse at this point. But Storm #10 still tries to reinforce it because damn it, it’s a point worth reinforcing.

It’s also a point that everyone in the Jean Grey Institute seems to understand. They know that when Storm arrives on the scene, everyone needs to step up their game. For a good chunk of this series, she’s gone on more than a few not-so-enjoyable excursions. One of them involved her getting wrongfully arrested. Luckily, she let the authorities off with a warning. So when she returns to the Jean Grey Institute, everybody stands up a little straighter because the bar for being a good X-man has once again been raised.

What follows is a brief, but meaningful exploration into the kind of life Ororo Munroe lives at the Jean Grey Institute when she’s not fighting Sentinels or inspiring others to worship her like the goddess she is at heart. That includes duties like teaching classes, answering emails, and sitting in on disciplinary hearings. It’s the kind of shit that goes on in real schools that don’t have a front yard that happens to be alive. It many sound menial, but it’s not beneath her. She never treats it as such.

That’s what makes her so much more lovable than most of the other heroes that get solo series and major movies. She’s willing to do these menial things and she finds a way to do them in a way that’s both graceful and awesome. That includes something as simple as clearing up a mold problem in the sewers and watering her plants. Storm doesn’t just accomplish these tasks with stunning efficiency. She does it with a grace and humility that makes her more worthy of worship than most every other god or goddess. How many other gods will take time out of their day to clean mold?

But the menial aspects of Storm’s duties at the Jean Grey Institute don’t last. They never do. After establishing that Storm is capable of handling her day-to-day duties with the divine beauty that we’ve come to expect, she faces a more typical X-men style problem. For once, this one doesn’t involve killer robots or corrupt mutant-hating diplomats. It involves some creepy, anime-porn inspired monster that shoots up from the sewer system that she just cleaned. I guess at a place like the Jean Grey Institute, this counts as a fairly typical Thursday afternoon.

Storm makes quick work of it. She’s not some cute anime school girl. She’s Ororo fucking Munroe. But in doing so, she also reveals that this creepy anime wannabe is actually a familiar face. It’s Kenji Uedo, also known as the most butt-ugly batshit character from the Generation Hope days. He’s been listed as dead for a while. But in a universe occupied by Jean Grey, he should know by now that’s no excuse. It turns out he’s back and the only way he could get the X-men’s attention was attacking them. That or his email was going too damn slow. He might still be using Yahoo.

Being the kind and understanding woman she is, Storm resists the urge to finish Kenji off again and rushes him to the infirmary. It’s there where she reveals in the most polite manner possible that he’s supposed to be dead. He died back on Utopia after he went ape shit and tried to kill everybody in ways that even tentacle porn doesn’t depict. As a result, he’s wearing a strait jacket. For what this asshole deserves, he should consider himself lucky.

This doesn’t stop Storm from being kind and comforting to Kenji. She gives him a chance to explain himself and he comes off as sincere. He’s weak, scared, and nothing at all like the Akira rip-off who fell in love with a brain in a jar (not a joke, by the way). It’s almost believable. He even has a reason for how he came back to life.

This asshole named Harmon, who Storm clashed with earlier in this series, used his exotic body to give his busted up physiology an upgrade. It’s pretty sick in a way that probably gives Sinister a boner. But it’s both believable and consistent with the recent events of the series. It’s not overly forced or contrived. It works. Compared to most resurrections that involve clones or shape-shifting aliens, it’s a huge plus. That doesn’t mean Storm is going to be his Oprah and hug him like a sick puppy. He’s still going to be on lockdown while a couple of telepaths monitor his mind. As kind and compassionate as Storm is, she understands it’s never wise to trust creepy teenage boys with a history of homicidal douche-baggery.

Other elements from previous issues in this series come into play as well. A few issues back, Storm met up with Callisto and a group of run-aways living in the sewers. It turns out they’re also having a nasty mold problem and they don’t have Storm’s powers to clear it up while looking sexy as hell in the process. So they either have to pick up a sponge or learn to live with it. There’s some nice quips about how shit was easier in the sewer when they had Morlock powers to rely on. It’s still the sewers though. Mutant powers can only go so far. Not having them also really sucks with scary shit starts attacking, as Callisto learns the hard way.

In addition to Callisto, another one of Storm’s friends from earlier in this series calls up and says shit is starting to stink. Forge, who actually had the privlidge of seeing Storm naked at one point, reveals that he also had a mold problem while working in Kenya. But windex and paper towels can’t clear this shit up because apparently, it’s not ordinary mold. It’s the kind that fuels a legion of Kenji Uedo style monsters.

It started with mold in the Jean Grey Institute, which Storm easily took care of. Now that shit has found its way to some of Storm’s other recent hangouts. It’s a nice bit of convergence for a series that has been remarkably concise in making Storm awesome in so many different ways. She’s had to battle her share of assholes along the way, but none quite like this. Any army of monsters that originated from an unstable teenage boy is bound to be disturbing than any killer robots.

When Storm hears about this, she quickly connects the dots. She knows Kenji Uedo has to be the source and she doesn’t need a Batcave, a Fortress of Solitude, or a Cerebro to figure that shit out. She understands that the best way to help her friends and allies is to go to the source. So she’s not just awesome and lovable. She’s also competent. That not as common as it should be. Look at Peter Parker’s long list of fuck-ups for proof of that.

She eventually does arrive at the source, but it’s a bit too late to unfuck the situation. More Akira-inspired monstrosities emerge and they’ve already got Rachel Grey and Beast. Kenji Uedo is still coming off as innocent. He’s trying to fight it off and doing a pretty shitty job. A metal chair might be marginally effective in a WWE match. It’s not nearly as effective is a big fucking tentacle monster. Still, I give the kid points for at least giving the impression he’s not the same asshole.

He loses those points pretty damn fast when he eventually gets sucked up into the monster and not like a cute school girl in a short skirt. As it absorbs him, he starts to talk like his old self again. That means he’s channeling his inner douche-bag again, sounding like a deranged artist who would make a statue of Paulie Shore out of dead baby seals if he could. Now it’s not clear if he’s still somewhat innocent in all this. That lack of clarity is somewhat confusing. The line between where Kenji Uedo ends and this oversized Akira rip-off begins is not easily defined. Maybe that’s on purpose, but it’s still overly obscure and lacks emotional impact.

Even so, Storm tries to be the kind and loving person she is at heart and reaches out to Kenji. She’s way more merciful and kind that Kenji deserves, but that only helps reinforce the traits that make her so awesome. This kid has already gone on multiple Godzilla-style rampages. He’s already carried himself with the kind of douche-baggery that would’ve made him a perfect cast member on the Jersey Shore. But she’s still willing to give him a chance. In an era where being caught with a tiny bag of weed means jail time for most people, that says a lot about Storm.

It also says a lot about Kenji when he basically spits in the face of Storm’s compassion. This is both a dick move and incredibly stupid. She’s a fucking weather goddess. She can use a tornado to do root canal on him if she wants. Even so, he’s got batshit insanity on his side so the battle feels more even than it is on paper. He wants to re-establish his douche-baggery in a story that re-established all the less obvious traits that make Storm awesome. In both instances, they succeed.

It would be easy at times to accuse Storm of being too competent and kind. Then again, that would be like saying a certain Playboy model is too beautiful. It’s not a valid complaint. But this issue does something besides give Storm a new challenge to overcome with the kind of grace and swag that she wields. It showed how she conducts herself as headmaster of the Jean Grey Institute. It also shows that for all the respect and authority she wields, she earns every fucking bit of it.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Kenji Uedo has done everything possible to be unworthy of such respect. He was the chief asshole prior to Avengers vs. X-men and since he was on a team with Hope fucking Summers, that’s saying something. He makes a concerted effort to be sympathetic in this issue. He even ties it into some of the recent conflicts Storm has been dealing with. But given his history and his personality, it’s just hard to give his words any credibility. So it was hard to be surprised to see him go full tentacle porn in the end.

It was still nice to see Storm give him a chance. Granted, he pissed that chance away like a bad cup of coffee, but it once again demonstrated the kind of character Storm is. It also nicely tied in a few other stories that had been explored in previous issues. This sense of cohesion and the many respectable moments Storm brought make this series special. It’s special because she’s a special character that Marvel will never be able to replace with some bullshit Inhuman rip-off. I give Storm #10 an 8 out of 10. Kenji Uedo is a dick an a total Akira rip-off. Ororo Munroe is a loving, compassionate goddess that combines the heart of an angel with the badassery of an army of Amazon warriors. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Amazing X-men #18

There are certain people who should never be given a certain kind of power. We all learned that the hard way through two terms of George W. Bush’s presidency. It’s not always an issue of power corrupting. It’s just an issue of bad combinations. Nitro on its own is fine. Glycerin on its own as fine. But when put together, shit can get pretty volatile. In that context, the power of Juggernaut is like weapons grade plutonium. There aren’t a whole lot of people who can or should ever have that kind of power. But some are less qualified than others.

Cain Marko was already horribly under-qualified during his stint as Juggernaut. So now that the power of Juggernaut is up for grabs again, the bar is set pretty damn low. That didn’t stop Cyttorak from trying to lower it even more when it called out to an army of known sociopaths to gorge on it. The X-men did their best to stop them, but in the end the Living Monolith was the lucky winner. As bad as Cain Marko was, making him the Juggernaut is like giving the Hulk nuclear weapons. It’s fucking overkill. But overkill can still be pretty damn awesome. Amazing X-men #18 is in a position to reinforce that while settling who gets to wear the goofy helmet. I guess all the unstoppable power in the world can’t overcome awful fashion tastes.

I won’t say the Living Monolith’s look as Juggernaut counts as an improvement, but it’s still pretty fucking terrifying. An average-sized Juggernaut was bad enough. A giant sized, Attack on Titan sized Juggernaut is overkill in a way that even Donald Trump would find excessive. He’s not just big. He’s armed with the unstoppable bloodlust of Cyttorak. He’s now powerful enough to tear the world a new asshole and make it constipated. It truly is a pants-shitting level of unstoppable, as it should be for any story involving Juggernaut.

The X-men are understandably shell-shocked. They entered this fight with the intention of preventing shit like this. Instead, they failed to stop the absolute worst case scenario that didn’t involve giving Blob a sponge bath. It’s as epic a failure the X-men have ever had without one of them being senselessly killed off. So how do they deal with it? How can they possible confront such an unstoppable threat? They’re not just going  to sit down over a camp fire and try to talk it out, right?

Well shave my balls, put makeup on my dick, and cast me in the next Pixar movie because that’s exactly what they do. Seriously, Storm decides to just sit down and lament. And it’s not over the fact they now have an overpowered Juggernaut to deal with. She laments about being in such a shitty mood lately. Ignoring for a moment that her lover just died, this is not a good time to dwell on shit like this. I was expecting someone to pick her up, but the rest of the X-men end up joining her. They even share fond memories of that special time when Storm shared Emma Frost’s fondness for nudity.

Look, I enjoy memories of a naked Storm as much as the next guy, but this is too much WTF for a crisis. I get that the X-men are overwhelmed by the threat of a Living Monolith Juggernaut. But this just really derails the plot. To be fair, Rockslide and Cain Marko point that out. It doesn’t make the volume of WTFs involved any less egregious.

Firestar actually starts a campfire while the Living Monolith is soaking in his new power and preparing to wipe his ass with the entire world. They just shrug it off while they review other overwhelming threats that they had to overcome. They all agree that none has been more powerful or sucked more ass than this. Sure, they’ve fought giant robots, but none of those robots had the power of the fucking Juggernaut.

They do eventually start spit-balling ideas, still managing to ignore the big ass Juggernaut just over the horizon. It makes me wonder why the fuck the Living Monolith doesn’t try to step on them like bugs. It’s like they’re daring him to come up with a way to stop him. Even with unstoppable power, that’s a dumb move. It’s not too dumb in the sense most of their ideas suck. However, it does give them a chance to address some of the personal issues that emerged at the beginning of the story. Storm was pretty harsh with Colossus in saying he should sit this one out. He disobeyed her, but she’s not in a mood to bust his balls. She ends up apologizing, but not before noting that he also had a nasty tendency to sacrifice himself when shit like the Juggernaut is involved. And after Wolverine’s death, they don’t need to deal with that shit again.

They keep on talking, going through more fucked up ideas like calling in Magik or asking the Scarlet Witch to help. Because it’s not like the Scarlet Witch hasn’t royally fucked up the Marvel universe on two separate occasions or something. I have to imagine at this point that the Living Monolith must be twiddling his thumbs or taking a piss because eventually, they do come up with a viable idea. And it doesn’t involve inversions, genocide, or getting seduced by Dr. Doom.

Colossus actually gets a little existential on Juggernaut, questioning his and Cyttorak’s motivations. He starts to sound like one of those hippie protesters that whine about rampant consumerism while waiting six hours in line to get a new iPhone, but he does make a valid point. Cyttorak gives power to Juggernaut because he wants destruction and chaos. But to what end? Has anyone even bothered to ask this question? Has Cytorrak ever asked himself this question? I know it sounds like I just had a few extra shrooms, but it’s not a bad question to ask.

It actually makes the idea of sitting around a camp fire and thinking about this shit have merit. It takes away some of the WTFs in that it produces something that’s genuinely worthwhile. They all agree that the key to stopping Juggernaut is to get Cytorrak to reassess his goals. They’re basically going to try and be a guidance counselor to a rebellious teenager. That’s only slightly less daunting than taking on the Living Monolith.

The X-men then finally get up off their asses and start doing something about this. While Colossus agrees to confront Cytorrak, most of the X-men decide to battle the Living Monolith. They figure he’s done twiddling his thumbs and is ready to start crushing shit. The battle is on a fairly epic scale and it’s got plenty of firepower with Storm, Nightcrawler, Iceman, Firestar, Northstar, and Rockslide. It’s still horribly one-sided though. They know they’re not going to stop a Juggernaut-powered Living Monolith. They just need to keep him occupied and not get killed. It’s still a basic tactic for the X-men in a Juggernaut fight, but it’s a classic for a reason.

While the X-men Living Monolith are now finally doing something meaningful, Colossus gets help from Rachel Grey and Pixie to call upon Cyttorak. He’s not exactly happy to see his former champion. He seems perfectly happy to have a new champion that happens to be the size of a skyscraper. Hell, I’m surprised he doesn’t have a full-on rage boner. But then Colossus starts asking him the same existential questions he asked his team earlier. Cain Marko is even there with him. Like a Jehovah’s Witness trying to convince a teenage boy to stop looking at internet porn, he tries to get Cyttorak to think about his next failed champion. It’s not entirely wrong, given his perfectly imperfect track record. And unlike Jehovah’s Witnesses, he doesn’t just slam the door in his face or turn the garden hose on him. So I guess the question resonates.

This might be the perfect opportunity to set Cyttorak down on the couch and help him have a nice Dr. Phil moment that he can later tell Oprah. Then Colossus gets a little too bold and offers a different challenge. He dares Cyttorak to give him more power than he’s ever given any one of his champions before. He then says he won’t use that power to cause chaos and destruction. He’ll use it to kill Cyttorak. First, let me just say that the universe isn’t big enough to contain Colossus’ balls anymore. Let’s get that out of the way. Second, this is either the craziest dare made since A Christmas Story or the smartest.

Cyttorak must be either crazy or dumb because he accepts Colossus’ challenge. It’s actually a pretty amazing moment. The X-men aren’t just out to fight Juggernaut this time. They’re out to stop him at the source. They’re not fighting the symptoms anymore. They’re fighting the disease. It is a change to the classic formula that past Juggernaut battles have followed, but it’s a meaningful change. It took a while to get to it, but it’s starting to feel like it really has worth to it.

It succeeds in one key part. It removes the power of Juggernaut from the Living Monolith. That’s one huge problem solved. It’s a visceral, powerful moment that involves the Living Monolith getting knocked flat on his ass. Even though he didn’t get a chance to do a whole lot of damage as Juggernaut, it’s still pretty damn satisfying. If only he hadn’t been twiddling his thumbs while the X-men contemplated a way to screw him over, his defeat might have more impact. But he was already a douche before he became Juggernaut. Kicking his ass at any stage is still satisfying.

The only problem is that Cyttorak decided to take a page out of Darth Vader’s playbook and change the deal. Instead of giving this power to Colossus, he decided that he didn’t trust giving an X-man all that power. He must have read the original Phoenix Saga and knows it doesn’t end well. So instead, he gave Cain Marko the power he was going to give Colossus. Now Cain Marko has to be the one to destroy Cyttorak, if he still gives a shit at this point. Again, it’s both crazy and brilliant. Even if Cyttorak loses, Cain Marko is still unstoppable and the X-men are fucked. I’m guessing this means he can look forward to another massive rage boner.

Before this issue even began, it had a pretty epic foundation to build from. It was X-men versus Juggernaut. It’s right up there with Wolverine in a dick-measuring contest with Cyclops in terms of classic X-men themes. So far, the story has utilized a pretty basic yet pretty compelling method for carrying out this classic struggle. A new Juggernaut is about to emerge and the X-men try to stop it. But in this issue, the X-men dared to try a different approach. In a world where people riot over changes to the Coca Cola recipe, that can be dangerous. And I think what the X-men did here worked, at least in part.

I admit the idea of the X-men sitting around a camp fire and lamenting how fucked they are while a hulking Juggernaut rampages doesn’t appeal. It’s like watching Jerry Springer without any fights or strippers. It was one of those WTF moments akin to watching a couple of cops play Candy Crush on their phones while a gang war is going on. I understand that some cops won’t respond to anything that doesn’t involve giving out bullshit traffic tickets, but I hold the X-men to a higher standard. At least with this issue, they did get their shit together. And by finding another way, they actually made this classic struggle more intriguing. It took a while and it dragged like my dick on a hot summer day at a baseball game, but there was a solid payoff in the end. And it did offer a few revealing moments for certain characters. I give Amazing X-men #18 a 6 out of 10. I truly do wish that problems could be solved with a camp fire and a cooler full of beer. And I see the merits of taking a moment to think about dealing with a recurring problem. But like masturbation, there’s a time and a place for everything and it can get pretty damn awkward when people try it in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Amazing X-men #17

If the success of NASCAR has taught us anything, it should be that a good race will appeal to any demographic, no matter how drunk or white trash. When there’s something worth racing for, there’s an event worth watching. But the X-men deal with prizes that are way more valuable than a bottle of victory champagne, a shiny trophy, or even a kick-ass car that goes 250 miles-per-hour. That shit is all nice and goes well with any contest. But when the prize is becoming the unstoppable Juggernaut, beer and chicken wings just aren’t enough to cover the spectacle.

And it has been a hell of a spectacle so far in Amazing X-men. I won’t say it’s worthy of a pay-per-view fight between two naked porn stars over a dildo, but it’s getting very close. Cyttorak has been itching for a new avatar and he’s sent out notices to every power-hungry wannabe he can, including Cain Marko. I guess Cyttorak has a soft spot for nostalgia. He’s created a pretty fucked up race to get the gem and be the one to wear the goofy fish bowl helmet. The X-men are trying to end that race on a technicality at the very least and they’re doing it after sidelining Colossus. There’s a lot at stake. There has been plenty of action and a touch of drama. But like any good sporting event that’s worth watching while drunk, there has to be a winner. Amazing X-men #17 finally reveals the winner and the only cheering at this point is Cyttorak.

The X-men had to fought long and hard to stop a crop of prospective sociopaths looking to exercise their sociopathic tendencies from getting the gem. They weren’t exactly running up the score like a mismatched college football game. Then Cain Marko, the Coca Cola classic of Juggernauts, showed up to throw his hat in the ring, courtesy of Vanisher. He might not be as unstoppable as he once was, but he’s still capable of making the X-men’s job more difficult. Even without the power of Cytorrak, he shows he’s capable of kicking ass and looking a lot less goofy without the helmet.

At first, it looks like he’s going to help the X-men. It probably would’ve been more likely for PETA to sponsor a hot dog eating contest. Sure, he was able to take out a few would-be Juggernauts trying to get their hands on the gem of Cyttorak. Then he turned on the X-men, showing that he’s been Skyping with Hank McCoy because he claims they murdered Xavier. And yes, it’s the same Xavier he’s tried to murder on multiple occasions. I honestly want roll my eyes, but Hank McCoy has numbed me to this bullshit. It’s not like Xavier died yesterday. Cain Marko is just picking a really bad time to make this an issue. I guess being unstoppable doesn’t make someone proactive.

Cain Marko does complicate the battle, but it still has plenty of other ongoing complications. There are still other wannabe Juggernauts and a few Cyttorak-powered monsters looking to make the X-men miserable. They’re doing an okay job, but then Storm reminds them that she tends to get pissed when she’s miserable. And when she gets pissed, lightning tends to find vulnerable asses. She shows that the smart people know when to get the fuck out of her way. But one in particular isn’t quite that smart and decides to keep annoying her. He’s wearing a cloak so we don’t know who he is, but he’s someone who does make his presence known for a reason. Storm just make sure it hurts.

Storm isn’t the only one dealing with prospective Juggernauts not named Cain Marko. Firestar isn’t quite as badass as Storm, but she’s a pretty redhead who can burn her enemies to a crisp in a non-Jean Grey sort of way. That counts for something. What doesn’t count is her actually trying to reason with one of the prospective Juggernauts. She actually tries to convince him to walk away first, using reason and appealing to logic. That shit doesn’t even work on a message board. Did she really expect it to work against a sociopath?

Okay, so Firestar is not as efficient or competent as Storm. But she still has plenty of firepower and she’s able to use it against this asshole who won’t listen to reason. It just feels as though she could’ve skipped a couple steps so she could help her friends against Cain Marko. But I guess that would’ve made too much sense.

It’s during this fight that made too little sense that another complication enters the battle, but one that doesn’t involve poor reasoning skills. Before this battle began, Storm made it a point to sideline Colossus. She said outright that she didn’t trust him. Not only was he a former avatar for Juggernaut, he was also a member of the Phoenix Five who never really paid or apologized for what he did. He just waltzed back into the Jean Grey Institute and they accepted him.

While it was way overdue for him to face some shit for his role as Juggernaut, Colossus didn’t like being sidelined for this mission. He listened at first, but he had to know on some levels that a super-strong guy like him can’t stay away from a battle that involves Juggernaut. So he convinced Pixie to teleport him to the temple. And he shows up just in time to lend Firestar a hand. He also does it without appealing to reason. He just lets the guy get in one measly punch while Pixie sends him to some hostile hellish landscape, most likely downtown Detroit. It effectively takes one complication out of the equation, but Colossus’ presence adds another and is sure to piss off Storm. And as she’s already shown, she’s dangerous when she’s pissed off.

The crop of prospective Juggernauts is getting thinner, but Cain Marko is still the front-runner. The problem is even he goes about it in a laughably inefficient way. He goes out of his way to yell at the X-men for murdering Charles Xavier and again, the Jean Grey Institute staff admit that Cyclops did it in cold blood. They conveniently leave out the part where he was drunk on Phoenix Force. They also leave out the part where the Avengers and Charles Xavier were actively attacking him. It’s not like he killed him in his sleep or something. I guess these guys have been talking to Hank McCoy too much as well.

It’s another one of those aftermaths that’s way too fucking overdue. Like Storm calling Colossus out for his role in Avengers vs. X-men, Cain Marko took his sweet fucking time getting upset about this. Yet he chooses now of all times to take it out on someone? And he takes it out on those who actually tried to save Xavier? It really fucks with the flow of the battle.

But it doesn’t stay fucked up for long. Thanks to Rockslide, he’s able to shut Cain Marko up by crashing one of Cyttorak’s monsters into temple. It’s almost as effective as playing a One Direction song really loud over a stereo. It still comes a bit too late. At the very least, Rockslide helps lighten the mood. I think he knows as well as every X-men fan at this point that whining about who killed Charles Xavier is fucking old.

The problem is that crashing a monster into the temple isn’t enough to keep Cain Marko from the gem of Cyttorak. And the strange guy in the robe that Storm has been battling isn’t being slowed down either. He even drops a hint on who he is and that’s enough to change Storm’s mood from being pissed off to being in need of more lightning. It gets a little choppy, but it effectively sets up the final lap for the race to become the new Juggernaut.

This is where Colossus starts to contribute. Maybe this can count as his way of apologizing for being a member of the Phoenix Force and helping Cyclops commit the egregious crime of using cosmic power to create a global utopia. Because for some reason, his atonement must be that big. He takes on Cain Marko in what is probably the most visceral fight in the story to date. These are the two most notable Juggernauts going at it, trying to beat each other into submission. Cain Marko wants to wield its power. Colossus wants to destroy it. This is the kind of fight that has all the right meaning and emotions. It’s like the first Die Hard movie, minus Alan Rickman’s slick accent.

As awesome as the fight between Colossus and Cain Marko is, neither of them ends up getting what they want. Remember that guy Storm was fighting? Well he decides he’d rather work smart and not hard, something I’m sure Cyttorak appreciates immensely. So while the competition is busy beating the shit out of each other, he manages to take the gem. It’s a dick move, but I wouldn’t call it cheating. Even the NFL wouldn’t fine him for this. He just took advantage of his enemies’ oversights. That’s not cheating. Hell, that’s how investment banks get rich.

As this mysterious stranger is transforming into the new Juggernaut, Pixie coordinates with the rest of the X-men to get them the fuck out of the temple. They now understand that the race is over. They don’t stop to ask Pixie why the fuck she got caught up in this or why Colossus thought it was a good idea to undermine Storm’s direct order. I’m sure those questions are on their minds, but they really don’t have the time to make a big deal of it. When they’re in a collapsing temple, they just don’t have time for details. Just ask Indiana Jones.

Once they get outside, they find out along with Colossus, Storm, and Cain Marko who the new Juggernaut is. It’s hard to really say there’s a worst possible wielder when most of them end up with permanent rage boners anyways. But I think Ahmet Abool, the Living Monolith, definitely qualifies as the top five asshole that nobody wants to become Juggernaut. He doesn’t just look goofy as hell with that big dome on his head. He’s a giant fucking statue who was unstoppable to begin with. I think at this point, it’s okay for both Cain Marko and the X-men to honor Charles Xavier’s memory by fighting the urge to shit themselves.

I guess it’s safe to say the race is over and the victory party can begin, at least for the Living Monolith. I guess his idea of a party is the same as Godzilla’s. Him gaining the power of Juggernaut would be like giving the New England Patriots the defense of the 1985 Chicago Bears. It’s overkill to an extreme, but it’s an awesome extreme. Even Cain Marko has to admit that this is a shitty outcome and Cytorrak is a real asshole. But it still makes for a fun, action-packed story. It sets up what’s sure to be a victory party that’s as destructive as a Led Zepplin concert.

As eventful as it was, there was less drama this time. That’s understandable given the context of the story, but there wasn’t a whole lot of impact to Colossus showing up. Even after Storm made it clear that she didn’t trust him to not fuck shit up, he showed up and everybody just shrugged it off. There was still some drama, but it felt a bit too forced with Marko going all Hank McCoy about the death of Charles Xavier. Overall, there isn’t much complexity to this story. There really can’t be in a story that involves a fight against Juggernauts and living monoliths. That’s what makes it work. I give Amazing X-men #17 an 7 out of 10. So now a big fucking statue has the power of Juggernaut. If it weren’t such a blatant rip-off of Ghostbusters 2, it might actually be terrifying. Nuff said!