Scanned Thoughts: Amazing X-men #18

There are certain people who should never be given a certain kind of power. We all learned that the hard way through two terms of George W. Bush’s presidency. It’s not always an issue of power corrupting. It’s just an issue of bad combinations. Nitro on its own is fine. Glycerin on its own as fine. But when put together, shit can get pretty volatile. In that context, the power of Juggernaut is like weapons grade plutonium. There aren’t a whole lot of people who can or should ever have that kind of power. But some are less qualified than others.

Cain Marko was already horribly under-qualified during his stint as Juggernaut. So now that the power of Juggernaut is up for grabs again, the bar is set pretty damn low. That didn’t stop Cyttorak from trying to lower it even more when it called out to an army of known sociopaths to gorge on it. The X-men did their best to stop them, but in the end the Living Monolith was the lucky winner. As bad as Cain Marko was, making him the Juggernaut is like giving the Hulk nuclear weapons. It’s fucking overkill. But overkill can still be pretty damn awesome. Amazing X-men #18 is in a position to reinforce that while settling who gets to wear the goofy helmet. I guess all the unstoppable power in the world can’t overcome awful fashion tastes.

I won’t say the Living Monolith’s look as Juggernaut counts as an improvement, but it’s still pretty fucking terrifying. An average-sized Juggernaut was bad enough. A giant sized, Attack on Titan sized Juggernaut is overkill in a way that even Donald Trump would find excessive. He’s not just big. He’s armed with the unstoppable bloodlust of Cyttorak. He’s now powerful enough to tear the world a new asshole and make it constipated. It truly is a pants-shitting level of unstoppable, as it should be for any story involving Juggernaut.

The X-men are understandably shell-shocked. They entered this fight with the intention of preventing shit like this. Instead, they failed to stop the absolute worst case scenario that didn’t involve giving Blob a sponge bath. It’s as epic a failure the X-men have ever had without one of them being senselessly killed off. So how do they deal with it? How can they possible confront such an unstoppable threat? They’re not just going  to sit down over a camp fire and try to talk it out, right?

Well shave my balls, put makeup on my dick, and cast me in the next Pixar movie because that’s exactly what they do. Seriously, Storm decides to just sit down and lament. And it’s not over the fact they now have an overpowered Juggernaut to deal with. She laments about being in such a shitty mood lately. Ignoring for a moment that her lover just died, this is not a good time to dwell on shit like this. I was expecting someone to pick her up, but the rest of the X-men end up joining her. They even share fond memories of that special time when Storm shared Emma Frost’s fondness for nudity.

Look, I enjoy memories of a naked Storm as much as the next guy, but this is too much WTF for a crisis. I get that the X-men are overwhelmed by the threat of a Living Monolith Juggernaut. But this just really derails the plot. To be fair, Rockslide and Cain Marko point that out. It doesn’t make the volume of WTFs involved any less egregious.

Firestar actually starts a campfire while the Living Monolith is soaking in his new power and preparing to wipe his ass with the entire world. They just shrug it off while they review other overwhelming threats that they had to overcome. They all agree that none has been more powerful or sucked more ass than this. Sure, they’ve fought giant robots, but none of those robots had the power of the fucking Juggernaut.

They do eventually start spit-balling ideas, still managing to ignore the big ass Juggernaut just over the horizon. It makes me wonder why the fuck the Living Monolith doesn’t try to step on them like bugs. It’s like they’re daring him to come up with a way to stop him. Even with unstoppable power, that’s a dumb move. It’s not too dumb in the sense most of their ideas suck. However, it does give them a chance to address some of the personal issues that emerged at the beginning of the story. Storm was pretty harsh with Colossus in saying he should sit this one out. He disobeyed her, but she’s not in a mood to bust his balls. She ends up apologizing, but not before noting that he also had a nasty tendency to sacrifice himself when shit like the Juggernaut is involved. And after Wolverine’s death, they don’t need to deal with that shit again.

They keep on talking, going through more fucked up ideas like calling in Magik or asking the Scarlet Witch to help. Because it’s not like the Scarlet Witch hasn’t royally fucked up the Marvel universe on two separate occasions or something. I have to imagine at this point that the Living Monolith must be twiddling his thumbs or taking a piss because eventually, they do come up with a viable idea. And it doesn’t involve inversions, genocide, or getting seduced by Dr. Doom.

Colossus actually gets a little existential on Juggernaut, questioning his and Cyttorak’s motivations. He starts to sound like one of those hippie protesters that whine about rampant consumerism while waiting six hours in line to get a new iPhone, but he does make a valid point. Cyttorak gives power to Juggernaut because he wants destruction and chaos. But to what end? Has anyone even bothered to ask this question? Has Cytorrak ever asked himself this question? I know it sounds like I just had a few extra shrooms, but it’s not a bad question to ask.

It actually makes the idea of sitting around a camp fire and thinking about this shit have merit. It takes away some of the WTFs in that it produces something that’s genuinely worthwhile. They all agree that the key to stopping Juggernaut is to get Cytorrak to reassess his goals. They’re basically going to try and be a guidance counselor to a rebellious teenager. That’s only slightly less daunting than taking on the Living Monolith.

The X-men then finally get up off their asses and start doing something about this. While Colossus agrees to confront Cytorrak, most of the X-men decide to battle the Living Monolith. They figure he’s done twiddling his thumbs and is ready to start crushing shit. The battle is on a fairly epic scale and it’s got plenty of firepower with Storm, Nightcrawler, Iceman, Firestar, Northstar, and Rockslide. It’s still horribly one-sided though. They know they’re not going to stop a Juggernaut-powered Living Monolith. They just need to keep him occupied and not get killed. It’s still a basic tactic for the X-men in a Juggernaut fight, but it’s a classic for a reason.

While the X-men Living Monolith are now finally doing something meaningful, Colossus gets help from Rachel Grey and Pixie to call upon Cyttorak. He’s not exactly happy to see his former champion. He seems perfectly happy to have a new champion that happens to be the size of a skyscraper. Hell, I’m surprised he doesn’t have a full-on rage boner. But then Colossus starts asking him the same existential questions he asked his team earlier. Cain Marko is even there with him. Like a Jehovah’s Witness trying to convince a teenage boy to stop looking at internet porn, he tries to get Cyttorak to think about his next failed champion. It’s not entirely wrong, given his perfectly imperfect track record. And unlike Jehovah’s Witnesses, he doesn’t just slam the door in his face or turn the garden hose on him. So I guess the question resonates.

This might be the perfect opportunity to set Cyttorak down on the couch and help him have a nice Dr. Phil moment that he can later tell Oprah. Then Colossus gets a little too bold and offers a different challenge. He dares Cyttorak to give him more power than he’s ever given any one of his champions before. He then says he won’t use that power to cause chaos and destruction. He’ll use it to kill Cyttorak. First, let me just say that the universe isn’t big enough to contain Colossus’ balls anymore. Let’s get that out of the way. Second, this is either the craziest dare made since A Christmas Story or the smartest.

Cyttorak must be either crazy or dumb because he accepts Colossus’ challenge. It’s actually a pretty amazing moment. The X-men aren’t just out to fight Juggernaut this time. They’re out to stop him at the source. They’re not fighting the symptoms anymore. They’re fighting the disease. It is a change to the classic formula that past Juggernaut battles have followed, but it’s a meaningful change. It took a while to get to it, but it’s starting to feel like it really has worth to it.

It succeeds in one key part. It removes the power of Juggernaut from the Living Monolith. That’s one huge problem solved. It’s a visceral, powerful moment that involves the Living Monolith getting knocked flat on his ass. Even though he didn’t get a chance to do a whole lot of damage as Juggernaut, it’s still pretty damn satisfying. If only he hadn’t been twiddling his thumbs while the X-men contemplated a way to screw him over, his defeat might have more impact. But he was already a douche before he became Juggernaut. Kicking his ass at any stage is still satisfying.

The only problem is that Cyttorak decided to take a page out of Darth Vader’s playbook and change the deal. Instead of giving this power to Colossus, he decided that he didn’t trust giving an X-man all that power. He must have read the original Phoenix Saga and knows it doesn’t end well. So instead, he gave Cain Marko the power he was going to give Colossus. Now Cain Marko has to be the one to destroy Cyttorak, if he still gives a shit at this point. Again, it’s both crazy and brilliant. Even if Cyttorak loses, Cain Marko is still unstoppable and the X-men are fucked. I’m guessing this means he can look forward to another massive rage boner.

Before this issue even began, it had a pretty epic foundation to build from. It was X-men versus Juggernaut. It’s right up there with Wolverine in a dick-measuring contest with Cyclops in terms of classic X-men themes. So far, the story has utilized a pretty basic yet pretty compelling method for carrying out this classic struggle. A new Juggernaut is about to emerge and the X-men try to stop it. But in this issue, the X-men dared to try a different approach. In a world where people riot over changes to the Coca Cola recipe, that can be dangerous. And I think what the X-men did here worked, at least in part.

I admit the idea of the X-men sitting around a camp fire and lamenting how fucked they are while a hulking Juggernaut rampages doesn’t appeal. It’s like watching Jerry Springer without any fights or strippers. It was one of those WTF moments akin to watching a couple of cops play Candy Crush on their phones while a gang war is going on. I understand that some cops won’t respond to anything that doesn’t involve giving out bullshit traffic tickets, but I hold the X-men to a higher standard. At least with this issue, they did get their shit together. And by finding another way, they actually made this classic struggle more intriguing. It took a while and it dragged like my dick on a hot summer day at a baseball game, but there was a solid payoff in the end. And it did offer a few revealing moments for certain characters. I give Amazing X-men #18 a 6 out of 10. I truly do wish that problems could be solved with a camp fire and a cooler full of beer. And I see the merits of taking a moment to think about dealing with a recurring problem. But like masturbation, there’s a time and a place for everything and it can get pretty damn awkward when people try it in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Amazing X-men #17

If the success of NASCAR has taught us anything, it should be that a good race will appeal to any demographic, no matter how drunk or white trash. When there’s something worth racing for, there’s an event worth watching. But the X-men deal with prizes that are way more valuable than a bottle of victory champagne, a shiny trophy, or even a kick-ass car that goes 250 miles-per-hour. That shit is all nice and goes well with any contest. But when the prize is becoming the unstoppable Juggernaut, beer and chicken wings just aren’t enough to cover the spectacle.

And it has been a hell of a spectacle so far in Amazing X-men. I won’t say it’s worthy of a pay-per-view fight between two naked porn stars over a dildo, but it’s getting very close. Cyttorak has been itching for a new avatar and he’s sent out notices to every power-hungry wannabe he can, including Cain Marko. I guess Cyttorak has a soft spot for nostalgia. He’s created a pretty fucked up race to get the gem and be the one to wear the goofy fish bowl helmet. The X-men are trying to end that race on a technicality at the very least and they’re doing it after sidelining Colossus. There’s a lot at stake. There has been plenty of action and a touch of drama. But like any good sporting event that’s worth watching while drunk, there has to be a winner. Amazing X-men #17 finally reveals the winner and the only cheering at this point is Cyttorak.

The X-men had to fought long and hard to stop a crop of prospective sociopaths looking to exercise their sociopathic tendencies from getting the gem. They weren’t exactly running up the score like a mismatched college football game. Then Cain Marko, the Coca Cola classic of Juggernauts, showed up to throw his hat in the ring, courtesy of Vanisher. He might not be as unstoppable as he once was, but he’s still capable of making the X-men’s job more difficult. Even without the power of Cytorrak, he shows he’s capable of kicking ass and looking a lot less goofy without the helmet.

At first, it looks like he’s going to help the X-men. It probably would’ve been more likely for PETA to sponsor a hot dog eating contest. Sure, he was able to take out a few would-be Juggernauts trying to get their hands on the gem of Cyttorak. Then he turned on the X-men, showing that he’s been Skyping with Hank McCoy because he claims they murdered Xavier. And yes, it’s the same Xavier he’s tried to murder on multiple occasions. I honestly want roll my eyes, but Hank McCoy has numbed me to this bullshit. It’s not like Xavier died yesterday. Cain Marko is just picking a really bad time to make this an issue. I guess being unstoppable doesn’t make someone proactive.

Cain Marko does complicate the battle, but it still has plenty of other ongoing complications. There are still other wannabe Juggernauts and a few Cyttorak-powered monsters looking to make the X-men miserable. They’re doing an okay job, but then Storm reminds them that she tends to get pissed when she’s miserable. And when she gets pissed, lightning tends to find vulnerable asses. She shows that the smart people know when to get the fuck out of her way. But one in particular isn’t quite that smart and decides to keep annoying her. He’s wearing a cloak so we don’t know who he is, but he’s someone who does make his presence known for a reason. Storm just make sure it hurts.

Storm isn’t the only one dealing with prospective Juggernauts not named Cain Marko. Firestar isn’t quite as badass as Storm, but she’s a pretty redhead who can burn her enemies to a crisp in a non-Jean Grey sort of way. That counts for something. What doesn’t count is her actually trying to reason with one of the prospective Juggernauts. She actually tries to convince him to walk away first, using reason and appealing to logic. That shit doesn’t even work on a message board. Did she really expect it to work against a sociopath?

Okay, so Firestar is not as efficient or competent as Storm. But she still has plenty of firepower and she’s able to use it against this asshole who won’t listen to reason. It just feels as though she could’ve skipped a couple steps so she could help her friends against Cain Marko. But I guess that would’ve made too much sense.

It’s during this fight that made too little sense that another complication enters the battle, but one that doesn’t involve poor reasoning skills. Before this battle began, Storm made it a point to sideline Colossus. She said outright that she didn’t trust him. Not only was he a former avatar for Juggernaut, he was also a member of the Phoenix Five who never really paid or apologized for what he did. He just waltzed back into the Jean Grey Institute and they accepted him.

While it was way overdue for him to face some shit for his role as Juggernaut, Colossus didn’t like being sidelined for this mission. He listened at first, but he had to know on some levels that a super-strong guy like him can’t stay away from a battle that involves Juggernaut. So he convinced Pixie to teleport him to the temple. And he shows up just in time to lend Firestar a hand. He also does it without appealing to reason. He just lets the guy get in one measly punch while Pixie sends him to some hostile hellish landscape, most likely downtown Detroit. It effectively takes one complication out of the equation, but Colossus’ presence adds another and is sure to piss off Storm. And as she’s already shown, she’s dangerous when she’s pissed off.

The crop of prospective Juggernauts is getting thinner, but Cain Marko is still the front-runner. The problem is even he goes about it in a laughably inefficient way. He goes out of his way to yell at the X-men for murdering Charles Xavier and again, the Jean Grey Institute staff admit that Cyclops did it in cold blood. They conveniently leave out the part where he was drunk on Phoenix Force. They also leave out the part where the Avengers and Charles Xavier were actively attacking him. It’s not like he killed him in his sleep or something. I guess these guys have been talking to Hank McCoy too much as well.

It’s another one of those aftermaths that’s way too fucking overdue. Like Storm calling Colossus out for his role in Avengers vs. X-men, Cain Marko took his sweet fucking time getting upset about this. Yet he chooses now of all times to take it out on someone? And he takes it out on those who actually tried to save Xavier? It really fucks with the flow of the battle.

But it doesn’t stay fucked up for long. Thanks to Rockslide, he’s able to shut Cain Marko up by crashing one of Cyttorak’s monsters into temple. It’s almost as effective as playing a One Direction song really loud over a stereo. It still comes a bit too late. At the very least, Rockslide helps lighten the mood. I think he knows as well as every X-men fan at this point that whining about who killed Charles Xavier is fucking old.

The problem is that crashing a monster into the temple isn’t enough to keep Cain Marko from the gem of Cyttorak. And the strange guy in the robe that Storm has been battling isn’t being slowed down either. He even drops a hint on who he is and that’s enough to change Storm’s mood from being pissed off to being in need of more lightning. It gets a little choppy, but it effectively sets up the final lap for the race to become the new Juggernaut.

This is where Colossus starts to contribute. Maybe this can count as his way of apologizing for being a member of the Phoenix Force and helping Cyclops commit the egregious crime of using cosmic power to create a global utopia. Because for some reason, his atonement must be that big. He takes on Cain Marko in what is probably the most visceral fight in the story to date. These are the two most notable Juggernauts going at it, trying to beat each other into submission. Cain Marko wants to wield its power. Colossus wants to destroy it. This is the kind of fight that has all the right meaning and emotions. It’s like the first Die Hard movie, minus Alan Rickman’s slick accent.

As awesome as the fight between Colossus and Cain Marko is, neither of them ends up getting what they want. Remember that guy Storm was fighting? Well he decides he’d rather work smart and not hard, something I’m sure Cyttorak appreciates immensely. So while the competition is busy beating the shit out of each other, he manages to take the gem. It’s a dick move, but I wouldn’t call it cheating. Even the NFL wouldn’t fine him for this. He just took advantage of his enemies’ oversights. That’s not cheating. Hell, that’s how investment banks get rich.

As this mysterious stranger is transforming into the new Juggernaut, Pixie coordinates with the rest of the X-men to get them the fuck out of the temple. They now understand that the race is over. They don’t stop to ask Pixie why the fuck she got caught up in this or why Colossus thought it was a good idea to undermine Storm’s direct order. I’m sure those questions are on their minds, but they really don’t have the time to make a big deal of it. When they’re in a collapsing temple, they just don’t have time for details. Just ask Indiana Jones.

Once they get outside, they find out along with Colossus, Storm, and Cain Marko who the new Juggernaut is. It’s hard to really say there’s a worst possible wielder when most of them end up with permanent rage boners anyways. But I think Ahmet Abool, the Living Monolith, definitely qualifies as the top five asshole that nobody wants to become Juggernaut. He doesn’t just look goofy as hell with that big dome on his head. He’s a giant fucking statue who was unstoppable to begin with. I think at this point, it’s okay for both Cain Marko and the X-men to honor Charles Xavier’s memory by fighting the urge to shit themselves.

I guess it’s safe to say the race is over and the victory party can begin, at least for the Living Monolith. I guess his idea of a party is the same as Godzilla’s. Him gaining the power of Juggernaut would be like giving the New England Patriots the defense of the 1985 Chicago Bears. It’s overkill to an extreme, but it’s an awesome extreme. Even Cain Marko has to admit that this is a shitty outcome and Cytorrak is a real asshole. But it still makes for a fun, action-packed story. It sets up what’s sure to be a victory party that’s as destructive as a Led Zepplin concert.

As eventful as it was, there was less drama this time. That’s understandable given the context of the story, but there wasn’t a whole lot of impact to Colossus showing up. Even after Storm made it clear that she didn’t trust him to not fuck shit up, he showed up and everybody just shrugged it off. There was still some drama, but it felt a bit too forced with Marko going all Hank McCoy about the death of Charles Xavier. Overall, there isn’t much complexity to this story. There really can’t be in a story that involves a fight against Juggernauts and living monoliths. That’s what makes it work. I give Amazing X-men #17 an 7 out of 10. So now a big fucking statue has the power of Juggernaut. If it weren’t such a blatant rip-off of Ghostbusters 2, it might actually be terrifying. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Amazing X-men #16

The lure of power is like the lure of a big-titted woman with Pamela Anderson’s breasts and Nicki Minaj’s ass. It’ll attract the right kind of people and the wrong kind of people, but it’s the wrong kind of people who will do the craziest shit to get it. Following that logic, the power of Juggernaut is like an entire army of nymphomaniac clones of Jessica Alba, Hallie Berry, and Scarlett Johannson. It’s been unleashed on the world and will only serve one. Cyttorak is like a crack addict and a compulsive gambler on a bender in Vegas who needs a new avatar to scratch that itch, but he’s willing to offer takers way more than a blowjob. Colossus already had a bad experience with this guy and he barely managed to escape without getting crabs. Now in Amazing X-men #16, a long list of new Juggernauts that range from a typical sociopath to the kind of person who would’ve participated in a circle jerk with Pol Pot and Hitler are lining up to be the new Juggernaut. I don’t have any crack at the moment, but I’ve got plenty of popcorn so I can enjoy the show.

Even crack might not be as strong as the lure of Juggernaut’s power. While the X-men are trying to prevent anyone from wearing that goofy helmet again, Cyttorak is calling out to every power-hungry asshole in the world. To them, the lure of Juggernaut’s unstoppability is like catnip dipped in crystal meth. They don’t need to understand it or obsess over the risks. They just need to know it’s there for the taking and how many people they’ll have to kill to get it. It’s not like Cain Marko set the bar that high anyways. If nothing else, being Juggernaut gives them the ability to bang She-Hulk and that alone should provide extra incentive.

This certainly promises to complicate the X-men’s efforts to stop Cyttorak. That shit has already become pretty damn complicated thanks to some big demonic creature that looks like it got cut from the last Devil May Cry game. It’s basically a guard dog for the Temple of Cyttorak. But instead of harassing postal workers, it tries to rip intruders to shreds and pick its teeth with their bones. I guess for Cytorrak, it’s an appropriate defense mechanism. I still would like to have something like this to keep the Jehovah’s Witnesses from visiting, but that might be asking for too much.

Being so appropriate, it makes for a nice battle with the X-men. It’s not epic on the level of a drinking contest between Wolverine and Ozzy Osborne, but it fits the scope of the conflict. Nobody is going to think that the X-men having to fight a giant monster guarding Juggernaut’s power is underwhelming. It also doesn’t try to do anything beyond that and it shouldn’t. We’ve seen what happens when stories go beyond their scale. The last two Transformers movies are proof of that.

This battle against the monster actually ends up being a secondary concern because some of those power-hungry psychopaths that Cyttorak called out to show up. In fact, it turns out they were there before the X-men. They just waited for the X-men to occupy the big ass creature inside because they didn’t want to waste any bullets or manpower. That, my friends, is called working smart and not hard.

This forces the X-men to leave Rockslide to take care of the monster. Yes, that’s the same Rockslide that has the maturity of a high school freshman with an attitude problem. Maybe this counts as his detention for his shitty grades. I still say it’s better than having to take study hall with my old algebra teacher. But now we’ve got a more complicated battle between the X-men and a diverse set of enemies. I’m going to need more popcorn for this.

As enjoyable as this unfolding battle has been, there’s still room for a little melodrama. Even the last Godzilla movie took the time to add a personal touch. And this one is actually pretty damn relevant. Colossus, who happened to be the previous Juggernaut, was ordered by Storm to sit this battle out in the previous issue. She made clear that he’s still on a short leash and she hasn’t forgotten that he has a nasty history with Cyttorak. He didn’t take it well to say the least, but he did honor Storm’s request.

By that I mean he honored it for no more than 15 minutes. After the team leaves, he decides Storm’s orders are fucked and tries to convince Pixie to teleport him to the temple. At first, she refuses. She’s not exactly inclined to help Colossus, whose sister once took part of her soul. That would be alike agreeing to help clean an ex-girlfriend’s gutters. It ends up making for a nice moment of vulnerability with Colossus. He shows his weakness in the face of so much strength. It’s part of what makes him so likable as a character. Pixie, despite being a teenage girl, is still capable of being reasonable. So long as nobody tries to take another piece of her soul, she’s willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

That bit of melodrama isn’t any longer than it has to be. That’s a good thing because there are still way too many awesome battles going on to waste time hearing Pixie whine. These battles aren’t mindless slap fights either. There’s even an attempt to explore other issues, like when Nightcrawler confronts Northstar about being pissed at the Scarlet Witch’s earlier presence at the Institute. It’s not an unreasonable issue to have, even during a battle. It’s just one that doesn’t get resolved because they end up getting their asses kicked by a woman named Man-Killer, who is basically a less charming version of She-Hulk.

But those attempts aren’t overdone. The focus is still on the fighting and the new enemies the X-men are up against. That’s refreshing because it usually takes a gentle breeze or a strong cup of coffee to make these kinds of stories go way off-track. Not only does it stay cohesive, there’s still an effort to mix in a little humor when Iceman points out just how many villains have mental shields now. It’s like telepaths have saturated the market like Frozen and too many people are sick of it to be affected anymore.

Most of these battles against these new enemies result in the X-men getting pwned, but it’s not completely unbalanced. Firestar manages to avoid becoming another Princess Peach with her new enemy. It helps keep the battle from getting too predictable while still being something I guy like me can follow while stoned. It’s still not overly epic, but it doesn’t have to be. Firestar punching Crossbones in the face should be entertaining enough for anybody.

As these battles against these new enemies unfold, Rockslide is still stuck dealing with the temple’s oversized guard dog. He’s still an immature dick about it, but that’ to be expected. He is a little overwhelmed at first, but he eventually lets his balls hang a bit and gets in a few shots. It’s another way to keep the fight properly balanced. It even impresses the creature, who tries to tempt Rockslide with Juggernaut’s power. Because what could possibly go wrong with giving unstoppable power to an immature teenage boy? He might as well give him an unlimited supply of illegal fireworks.

It all makes for a balanced struggle on both fronts and when something like the power of Juggernaut is at stake, that’s exactly how it should be. Some of the new enemies got in a few lucky blows early on, but the X-men fight respond as they so often do. Nobody says or does anything too memorable though. This is where not trying to be too epic has its drawbacks. Nobody is going to look at this as an iconic moment 25 years in the future. It’s like vanilla ice cream. It doesn’t have any exotic flavors, but it’s still good.

There are also other twists that help mix things up a bit. More hideous Devil May Cry rejects swarm the intruders, attacking anyone who was hoping that seizing unstoppable power would be as easy as picking up a pizza. It shows that the new enemies responding to Cyttorak’s call didn’t work smart enough, leaving Storm as the one who has to take care of these beasts. It complicates the struggle for both sides, but helps add to overall the entertainment value because who doesn’t love watching Storm pwn a swarm of hideous monsters? That’s what goddesses do every other Sunday.

Before the battle starts to drag, the situation escalates. The X-men are able to subdue some of the would-be Juggernauts, but some have more trouble than others. Nightcrawler and Northstar are dangerously overmatched by Man-Killer. I’m pretty sure their balls shrank just by being near her. And Iceman and Rachel have a hard time subduing Jinn. They’re all starting to get impatient. They know if that they keep dicking around, someone is just going to take Juggernaut’s power and laugh their ass off all the way to the nearest bank.

This ends up happening, courtesy of an all-too familiar figure. Of all these potential Juggernauts to make a grab for this unstoppable power, one manages to outsmart them all. And his name is Cain Marko. Yeah, he’s a douche-bag who holds a grudge, but there’s a reason why he was such an effective Juggernaut. He was both strong and smart. In this case, that means using Vanisher, a mutant who has stayed as far away from this sort of shit as possible, to appear in the temple. I want to say that’s cheating, but I can’t argue with results. As Bill Belichick has shown, cheaters do sometimes win.

There was a lot of action and a lot of fighting here. In some cases, it felt like the last half-hour of a Jackie Chan movie. That’s no at all a bad thing. There were a lot of enemies attacking all at once, hoping to get a taste of that sweet Juggernaut nectar. It’s easy for a battle like this to become more mindless and chaotic than a Power Rangers rerun. But that didn’t happen here. Everything remained concise and focused. It never went overboard. It never tried too hard to be epic. It was plenty perfectly balanced and as satisfying as a cold beer on a hot summer day.

It shouldn’t sound like such a novel concept. It really shouldn’t. But with so many comics these days trying to be the next Phoenix Saga, few are content with just focusing on making the story as awesome as it needs to be. It’s like they’re trying to cook a steak for Gordon Ramsey and put so much care into the presentation that they never took the time to make sure the steak actually tasted good. I think if Gordon Ramsey tasted this story, he wouldn’t break any dishes. He wouldn’t give it its own restaurant either. This story is still lacking and a bit disorganized at times, but it’s still as satisfying as a juicy steak can be. I give Amazing X-men #16 an 8 out of 10. This book just plain worked and sometimes that’s the most reasonable standard we can have in this age of reboots, re-launches, and retcons. The only serious flaw this book had was that it made me hungry for a steak. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Amazing X-men #15

When it comes to the many villains of the X-men comics, Juggernaut is to X-men what Tequila is to alcohol. It can be good in brief shots, but it doesn't take much to get really fucking sick of him and never want to have anything to do with the guy again. He's not a very interesting character, even if he is powerful as fuck. He's got an attitude that would fit right in with the Oakland Raiders, albeit with much greater offensive output. I'm not saying that Juggernaut is a bad character. I'm just saying he hasn't been relevant since he banged She-Hulk.

But I think enough time has passed from that boner-killing incident to bring him back into the picture. Since Colossus hung up his dome-shaped helmet, Juggernaut hasn't been a factor in the X-men comics. But there's never a shortage of anyone seeking the power to be an unstoppable asshole. We just have to hope that Justin Bieber never gets his hands on that power. Amazing X-men #15 is set to bring Juggernaut back into the world of X-men. Now there's no Charles Xavier and no Cain Marko to hate him. That means the slate it clean to be another unstoppable asshole to take on the mantle.

It's a bit mantle full of fucked-up situations and grotesque bloodlust. And since some fans have probably suppressed memories of the inglorious way Colossus' stint at Juggernaut ended after Avengers vs. X-men, it helps to get a bit of a refresher course in his history. There's some nice flashbacks about Cyttorak, the mystical god-like being that grants his avatars with unstoppable power. It's nothing that can't be gleaned from Wikipedia, but it uses pretty pictures and badass depictions of the creature himself. So I say it's still worth showing, even if it can be easily skipped by most X-men fans. We know what fuels the Juggernaut. We know Cain Marko was once Juggernaut and Charles Xavier had to fight him. So why should we give a shit about a new Juggernaut?

Well one important detail to remember from this little flashback is that Cyttorak is one of those gods that loves being worshipped the same way Donald Trump loves hair gel. Like a good blowjob, he just can't get enough of it. Since Colossus gave up his helmet, there's nobody left to give Cyttorak his divine brand of fillatio. So being the determined, competent god-like begin, Cyttorak creates another gem and sends it somewhere it can be found. It would probably be most effective if it made it appear as an overpriced piece of jewelry in a sore that Paris Hilton shops at, but that might be too competent. So he has it appear in some Indiana Jones style ancient ruins for a bunch of cut-throat tomb robbers to find. Again, far be it from me to question the decisions of a deranged god, but I still think there are far more effective ways in finding someone seeking to be unstoppable assholes. Maybe next time Cyttorak should just try hosting a reality show. That would work just as well.

This activity doesn't go unnoticed either. Enter Cyttorak's last unstoppable prison bitch, Colossus. He's been basically gotten through his stint as Juggernaut unphased. Not only did everybody completely absolve him of any responsibility for what he did as Juggernaut or as one of the Phoenix Five, but he seems to have suffered no ill-effects. It even led to him boning Domino on a regular basis. Sure, he lost Kitty Pryde, but she's now boning another guy named Peter so I still think that counts as only a partial defeat. However, some of those ill-effects finally catches up with him at the worst possible time.

Shortly after a secret booty call from Domino, he has a vision of the new gem of Cyttorak. It's probably the worst possible mood killer that doesn't involve a surprise visit from grandparents or a Mormon intervention. Domino, who is not on good terms with the X-men at the moment, is as confused as she is naked. This doesn't stop Colossus from channeling his inner artist to do a quick painting of the new location of the gem of Cyttorak. And when a mystical gem takes priority over a naked Domino, it's a bad sign that a nasty shit storm is coming.

As it just so happens, magic is a hot topic around the Jean Grey Institute. With Piotr's sister rubbing elbows with Cyclops and being about as stable as spoiled rich teenage girl with a boob job and a crack addiction, the institute is in need of a new magic master. There aren't exactly applicants lining up around the block. Pixie is the only one with marginal skill. It's so marginal that they invite the fucking Scarlet Witch to visit and give her lessons. I guess a woman responsible for the near-extinction of a race and the inversion of the entire X-men is welcome, but a guy like Cyclops who tried to use the Phoenix Force to fix all the world's problems is not. That's 10 steps beyond a double standard, but I digress.

The Scarlet Witch isn't much of a teacher because Pixie's spell fails miserably and hilariously on Rockslide, who has quickly become the Toad of the X-men. But her involvement certainly bodes well for her ability to contribute in an issue like Juggernaut, where magic is the main source of all the property damage and broken bones. That said, if the X-men's options are only Pixie and the Scarlet Witch, they're already fucked in an unstoppable way.

Armed with the vision that ruined his afterglow with Domino, Colossus confronts Storm. It doesn't take much to convince her that this is a big fucking deal that needs to be dealt with in a big fucking way. However, she surprises Colossus when she tells him she's benching him for this fight. Because for the first time since Colossus just randomly showed up at the institute's front door, Storm reveals that she doesn't entirely trust him to handle a situation like this.

Now this sort of conversation is more overdue than Half-Life 3. When Colossus returned to the Jean Grey Institute, nobody batted a fucking eye. Finally, someone is reminding him that he was not only once the avatar for Cyttorak. He was once a fugitive who fought alongside Cyclops. Wolverine might have trusted him fully, but Storm can't afford to be that forgiving now that Wolverine is dead. She tells him he is being held to a different standard because so few on the team can say they were once Juggernaut who ended up becoming a wanted fugitive after waging war on the Avengers. It's way too fucking reasonable to be a dick move.

As late as it is, it still evokes some overdue emotions. This is the kind of conversation that they should've had back when Colossus first returned. He was part of the Phoenix Five. He was once Juggernaut. The X-men shouldn't just brush that sort of shit off. And Storm, while it does come off as cold, has a damn good reason for keeping him out of this. It's just a shame it took this fucking long to address. But I'm too high to whine about it anymore so I'll drop it.

Storm assembles a fairly robust team to take on this new Juggernaut or at least stop someone from becoming a new avatar. It's basically the same team that took on the Wendigo, including Iceman, Northstar, Rockslide, Nightcrawler, Storm, Firestar, and Rachel Grey. It's not exactly the most powerful team ever assembled, but they have a telepath that can get the job done. They don't seem all that worried either. There's almost a casual approach taking on the unstoppable Juggernaut. As far as they're concerned, it's as simple as knocking off the helmet and letting the pretty redhead do the rest. That might work for a True Blood rerun, but chances are something is going to fuck this plan up badly.

Colossus probably believes this more than anyone. He's certainly not happy about being benched, but he obeys Storm's decree initially. He decides to sit outside of Wolverine's office, which has since become a shrine of sorts where students leave flowers and beer cans. He's clearly thinking about giving the finger to Storm's order and throwing himself into the line of fire against the Juggernaut. He even gets some encouragement from a young student named Trance. She reminds him that Wolverine was probably benched from an important mission at least once a week by Cyclops. He honored that decree the same way baseball players honor the MLB's anti-steroid policy. It's a powerful and very negative message that's sure to piss off the moral crusaders. That's probably a good sign that it's the right thing to do.

Storm's team arrives at the exact location that Colossus envisioned. It's here where the story starts to slow down and drag somewhat. There's no big clash. There's no major fight that breaks out. They just hang around the exterior of the structure and then enter just in time to see a hideous Cyttorak-style monster that looks like an oversized booger. This should be horrifying, but the team reacts the same way most people react to news of another sex scandal involving a Congressman. It really has very little weight to it all.

This is kind of the main shortcoming of this story. It's dragging at this point and it's not doing anything that'll make anyone's balls sore in the morning. The X-men try to track down Cyttorak and a new Juggernaut, but they just end up facing some generic monster that could've easily been a rejected Godzilla enemy. It doesn't fall completely flat, but nobody's panties are going to be soaked by this battle just yet. That doesn't mean a dry pair shouldn't be kept handy.

Even if this monster is about as scary as a mutated My Little Pony villain, it's still a battle that Colossus wants to be part of. It's at this point he decides to channel the rebellious spirit of Wolverine and do something about it. And like Wolverine, he needs a cute teenage girl to help him. That sounds a lot creepier than it actually is, but it helps tie the story into Pixie's ongoing pursuit of being the X-men's new magic expert. She doesn't look quite as intimidating as Piotr's sister, nor does she look as good in black leather pants, but she's now Colossus' best bet to show that he can be trusted again. And it's hard not to root for a guy who's boning Domino.

There are some comics where after I read them, I can already predict how assholes on message boards will complain. Internet trolls are nothing if not predictable. This comic does a lot of things right, but I just know there will be a certain segment of fans that bitch and moan at how the story moved too slow. That's not entirely untrue. It did unfold slowly. It had to because it set up a number of situations and focused on a number of ongoing dramas rather than just get to the part where Juggernaut starts smashing shit. That's not a bad thing. Hell, that's probably the best way to approach a story like this, but that's going to be lost on some people. These are the same people that will whine about Han or Greedo shooting first until the end of time. Their complaining is irrelevant.

What is relevant here is how this issue too its time. It got choppy in some areas and rushed in others, but it did something very important. It set up certain characters to ensure that people gave a shit about what happened to them. That's what separates a story that's forgotten after one or two bong hits and a story that will soak the panties of those awaiting the next issue. This story has a lot of things going for it. But unlike the Juggernaut, it's not unstoppable. It hasn't built up a lot of momentum yet, but it has so much going for it that I'm going to brace myself anyways. Amazing X-men #15 gets a 7 out of 10. I don't know who will end up being the new Juggernaut or why he or she will want to crush the X-men. I just know if their ordeal ends with them hooking up with Domino, it'll count as a success. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #543 - Heavyweight Awesome

No man with even semi-regular balls will admit to crying under any circumstance. I'm a man, but I have an inherent lack of shame and modesty. Just ask every bartender that ever had the misfortune of watching me take a piss on a pool table. Or any unlucky bastard who had to hold me up while I cried endlessly about the cancellation of 24. Some things are worth shedding a tear over. If you don't, then you're not a macho man. You're a douche-bag. When a comic book series like Uncanny X-men starts off in 1963 and runs non-stop until 2011 for over 500 issues only to stop at issue 544, that's shit worth getting a little teared up. I have relatives who aren't as old as Uncanny X-men. There's little doubt that the X-books have been more chaotic than every explosion in every Michael Bay movie. There have been spin-offs, spin-offs of spin-offs, relaunches, relaunches of relaunches, and so much other shit that's impossible to keep track of even with the aid of the internet. But Uncanny X-men has always remained the same. Well that's changing soon and with Uncanny X-men #543, the last true arc of this amazing series will come to a close. Now whether I'm drunk or sober, I'm going to get choked up here so please don't think less of me. I just get a little emotional when I review books that have been so awesome for such a long time.

The last major arc of Uncanny X-men ties directly into the events of Fear Itself. For the most part, the X-men have been pretty detached from the series. The only way they got involved was because Juggernaut decided to use his new Asgardian mojo from the Serpent to pay a little visit to San Francisco and it isn't just for the fancy cheese shops on Castro Street. He's there to strike fear in both humans and mutants, hoping that they shit their pants enough to start turning on one another. For the most part, he's succeeded. Cyclops has thrown everything he possibly can at Juggernaut. The old method of knocking off his helmet and mind-fucking him into submission didn't work. The last issue showed Cyclops going over a long list of plans that amounted to jack shit. Then he got desperate enough to enlist help from Illyana Rasputin, whose as crazy as anyone who ever hung out with Charlie Sheen for too long. She led her brother and Kitty Pryde into the realm of Cytorakk in hopes of using Juggernaut's own power against him. It's a lot like asking Kim Jong Ill go a little crazier so he makes the assholes in Iran look less crazy. But when you're up against a guy like Juggernaut, you can never have too much crazy!

While this epic battle of unstoppable forces is unfolding, another side-plot developed with Emma Frost and for once it didn't involve her dressing up in a thong (tragic, I know). Both she and Hope Summers were hit with the equivalent of a roofie enema after their battle with Juggernaut. When Emma Frost woke up, she went a little crazy and had another vision of the Phoenix Force. It wouldn't be the first time either (see Second Coming #2). Since she's boning the guy that the Phoenix used to bone, her first inclination is to kill the mutant messiah. Now it's not clear if the Serpent is making her do this or Emma Frost is just that fucked up, but it was a pretty twisted scene that provided yet another annoying Jean Grey tease. Now I've made whole blog posts about how these Jean Grey teases are fucking annoying as hell. Marvel is already naming the new institute after her. I get that they're going to move mountains to keep her dead, but they shouldn't be dicks about it. And wouldn't you know it? That's the first plot Uncanny X-men #543 addresses. Way to go Marvel! Spend what few issues you have left of Uncanny doing more bullshit Jean/Phoenix/Hope teases!

Emma has clearly lost her fucking mind. Standing over Hope's bed, she looks like one of those girls you meet at a rave who had one too many ecstasy tablets. Her face is bland, her eyes are glossy, and she's looking up at all the shining lights as if she's co-starring with Jesus in a bukkake video. Again, it's not entirely clear that this is a product of the Serpent's fear inducing bullshit. Or maybe this is just her acting on the shit she saw in Second Coming #2. Either way, she comes off as one of those crazy beautiful women who lose their minds in between bouts of bulimia. It's not quite as egregious as Starfire's portrayal in Red Hood and the Outlaws #1, but it's within spitting distance.

From a woman getting too hormonal to a guy whose balls are too big for his own scrotum, Juggernaut continues his march on San Francisco. To this point every plan Cyclops has thrown at this guy has failed miserably. Being an unstoppable Juggernaut just isn't enough. Having Asgardian power is just excessive. It's like chugging a red bull after snorting a pound of meth. So finally, Cyclops shows that he has bowling ball sized testes as well and confronts Juggernaut. Whether by plan or by dumb luck, the unstoppable douche-bag gets a sudden hit from Cytorakk. Apparently, he doesn't like that Juggernaut is double dipping with his powers. So it appears that visit from Illyana had paid off. For some reason, gods of other dimensions just can't say no to teenage blond psychopaths. Can't say I blame him either.

Getting his Cytorakk power short-circuited wasn't enough though. Cytorakk also had to choose a new avatar with which to kick unstoppable amounts of ass with. It was supposed to be Illyana because let's face it, an unstoppably strong teenage girl would be a boon for feminism. Once again, those without a penis are left high and dry because Colossus is the one now wielding Juggernaut's unstoppable power. While we may never know how awesome Illyana could have been as the new Juggernaut, it's hard to deny that Colossus looks pretty damn awesome with it. He was strong enough to handle 100 tons and Kitty Pryde's bitching before. Now he has Juggernaut's power. That means the odds are finally even! The X-men can stop getting their asses handed to them and Colossus can dish out the necessary punishment that Greg Land's art makes into such a spectacle.

In addition to orgy of colors inundating the readers retinas, there's also some interesting inner musings with Colossus. He vivdly describes the feeling of becoming an unstoppable force. It's like an ordinary person suddenly tapping into the brain of Charlie Sheen and being overwhelmed by it's power and corruptive effects. Colossus, the usually gentle Commie-loving Russian, becomes a real Juggernaut with absolutely no regard about tearing shit down. In a ways he seems to understand Juggernaut now. It adds more to the ball-busting destruction that fills the page with an unstoppable power vs. godly force brawl. It's what you would imagine a bar fight between Zues and Odin would be. It's every bit as awesome as it sounds and Greg Land's writing along with Kieron Gillen's inner mologues just make it seem so damn perfect.

So the X-men finally have something to throw at Juggernaut that might actually slow him down. Yet for reasons that are completely understandable, Kitty Pryde is pissed at Cyclops. She and Illyana return from the realm of Cytorakk and she's not a happy camper. She's inclined to castrate Cyclops more than Emma Frost already has for making her boyfriend the meat puppet to a malevolent power. He could bring up that his wife ended up going through the same crap so she shouldn't be giving him shit, but I guess he's not that much of a dick...yet. He also points out that using Colossus was not part of his many plans. He took on this power so Illyana wouldn't have to. It makes him a good brother and an idiot because as Illyana states outright, pitting unstoppable power against a godly force is like putting a pyromaniac in a room with TNT. Alone they're dangerous enough. When thrown against one another, shit's going to start blowing up.

Colossus, despite being more unstoppable than Apple's user agreements, manages to drive Juggernaut 500 miles away from San Francisco, presumably before they destroy all the pot dispensaries. They end up in a dry lake bed where that explosive potential that Illyana mentioned starts to go critical. Since Cyclops can't resist watching his plans blow up, he gets Pixie to teleport him to the site. There it looks like Colossus and Juggernaut are going to beat each other to the point where time and space itself collapsed under the sheer power of their power. But like a riot in LA, it ends before shit really goes crazy. In the middle of this critical mass ball of awesome building up from their battle, Juggernaut is transported away courtesy of the Serpent.

Now it may sound like a cheap way to end a fight, but in this instance it actually does make sense and even fits this arc into the greater fabric of Fear Itself. If you read Fear Itself #6, you know what I mean. In that issue, the Seprent recalled all his hammer-wielding minions for a final assault on Asgard. Juggernaut was one of them. Well now we know the how and when. Sure the timing was a little convenient. If he had waited just a little bit longer then maybe that lake bed would create a new grand canyon that the state of Nevada could turn into yet another tourist attraction. Too bad because it looks like they'll have to stick with casinos and legal brothels. Oh well, maybe next time Nevada! Timing aside, this moment adds a great bit of continuity to Fear Itself. It's one of those finer details that makes both this arc and the Fear Itself series all the more awesome.

From an explosive situation with Juggernaut to another bombshell, we check back in with Emma as she prepares to kill the mutant messiah. Given the events of Schism, we already know that Hope survives and Emma is still Emma. So what stopped her? Was it her undying love for Cyclops or yet another instance of her abandoning her devious past? Fuck no! Not this time! This time, it's Namor. That's right, that scene where he tried to bone her in Uncanny X-men #541 wasn't for nothing this time. Despite being busy in his own Fear Itself crossover, he's able to find time to go back to Emma Frost and stop her from killing the mutant messiah. Like any woman in a murderous mindset, she doesn't make it easy for him. But as is often the case with both Emma and Namor, playing rough often turns into a juicy kiss. And this is enough to break Emma out of whatever fear driven spell she was under. That's right. Namor didn't even need to demonstrate the power of his penis as Cyclops would probably have to in order to subdue Emma. He just had to kiss her and that was it. Emma is understandably mortified, but Namor is understanding as hard as that is to fathom. He also reminds her again that Cyclops wasn't there for her. It doesn't matter what he's doing. If a woman he wants to bone is in trouble, he comes to her aid.

Now if Matt Fraction had been writing this, I suspect the scene would have gone down differently. He made it a habit of merely glossing over the Namor/Emma relationship and always using it to somehow reify his beloved Cyclops/Emma relationship. Kieron Gillen took it a bit further. He actually showed that Namor has something to offer Emma Frost besides sex and it's something that Cyclops hasn't provided. Gillen actually took this plot and made it seem meaingful and not just filler in between Cyclops/Emma bed scenes. For this I applaud Kieron Gillen. It's been a long time since the Cyclops/Emma relationship actually faced some tension. I think it's way overdue because one of the reasons Marvel writers have always justified breaking up Cyclops and Jean Grey was because they didn't face enough tension. Yet they were so unwilling to show that same tension with Cyclops/Emma that I was on the verge of shouting HYPOCRISY from the highest building. I certainly hope something more comes of this because let's face it, Namor loves his blonds and the Cyclops/Emma relationship hasn't gone anywhere for years. Please, Mr. Gillen! Pretty please!

Cyclops/Emma might not be the only relationship facing a major threat. After Colossus/Juggernaut returns to San Francisco, he gets chewed out by his girlfriend. Now at first it's hard to understand why the hell Kitty would be so upset about her boyfriend saving the city from Juggernaut. Then she rightly points out that he's willing to throw himself at something like Cytorakk for his sister despite the fact that his sister has become quite the bitch. He's so willing to throw his ass into the fire that he doesn't seem to be making an effort to come back to her. At the risk of having my ex-girlfriend's hunt me down, I'll side with Kitty. Making himself the new Juggernaut and becoming part of this naturally corruptive power is kind of a dick move for any boyfriend. Since it's already been confirmed that Kitty Pryde is joining Wolverine's team after Schism while Colossus stays with Cyclops, we know how this shit will end. Looks like Kitty will have to find another Russian stud to bone.

So that's two unstoppable forces contained. That leaves only ones which may be the most unstoppable of them all: government. In the previous issue Mayor Sadie showed that she was perfectly willing to attack Utopia if it meant preserving her city. She could have used the excuse that the Serpent's fear was effecting her, but that's a pretty lame ass excuse at this point. Cyclops isn't buying it so he has a telepath paralyze her and then he threatens her in a way nobody usually threaten's politicians without ending up in Guantanamo Bay. He basically tells her that mutant aren't going to be victims on his watch and he could kill her and make it look like an accident if she tried shit like that. Emphasize kill because this isn't Magneto who's talking. This is Cyclops. I get that he's a dick sometimes, but this is a new extreme. One that seems somewhat of a lead-in to what he does in Schism. Again, it adds a great sense of continuity for this Fear Itself tie-in. As I've said before, it's the little things that separate good comics from truly awesome comics.

As Cyclops leaves, Mayor Sadie asks him if he would have listened to the Serpent if it offered mutants safety in exchange for screwing over San Francisco. He says without hesitation that he didn't. Listening to evil voices just doesn't work with him. It didn't work with Apocalypse so why would it work with the Serpent? Now the cynical readers may interpret this as him just lying through his teeth. I don't see that. Since threatening her life made him such an asshole, he has to do something to redeem himself.

It's a powerful moment and one that shows Cyclops crossing lines that he doesn't usually cross, but he's still a long ways away from beign Magneto. That doesn't mean the anti-Cyclops crowd won't have plenty to work with in bashing him. However, he hasn't become an outright villain or anything. Does he deserve to have his balls busted by someone other than Emma Frost at this point? Absolutely. But does he deserve to be painted as the new Magneto? Fuck no. Kieron Gillen walked a fine line here and so did Jason Aaron in Schism. Cyclops is still Cyclops, but after an issue like this the man needs to be humbled. That's what Schism has promised to do in a profound way and this issue really helps reinforce why that event is necessary.

Now I'm starting to get weepy again. Or maybe it's just the booze. Cyclops being an asshole at the end ensures I can't get too emotional for this being the end of the final arc of Uncanny X-men. It seems as though the theme for Fear Itself finally permeated the X-books with this issue. Granted, it didn't happen until the end, but at least it happened. Part of the teasers for Fear Itself asked "Do you fear what you've become?" with Cyclops as part of the teaser. Well here, we get a glimpse of what he's becoming. He goes from a competent leader and role model to threatening the mayor of San Francisco and having one of his buddies become the new Juggernaut. He's definitely become the Cyclops that will eventually cross those lines we see him cross in Fear Itself. So after reading this issue and re-reading Schism so far, it feels quite seamless. It feels like a true progression of Cyclops's character and since he's been a mainstay of Uncanny for so long, it's fitting that the book ends just as he makes this transition.

This book had so much over-the-top action with just enough drama squeezed in thanks to the Namor/Emma and Kitty/Colossus scene. The completion of this arc makes it a wonderful addition to the Fear Itself library, but the only thing that keeps it from being truly awesome is how vague it is in terms of Serpent's influence. There are some hints like those with Emma Frost in how her fear nearly drives her to kill Hope Summers. But that's about it. We don't get any sense that the same fear started pushing Cyclops to being the total dick he was at the end with Mayor Sadie. If Fear Itself was supposed to show Cyclops setting himself up for what would happen in Schism, it didn't do a good enough job. Not saying it wasn't good, but it just wasn't good enough. Kieron Gillen writes Cyclops's character so well, but it's the circumstances around him that didn't seem to fall in line. It would have been nice to know just how much or how little the fear from Fear Itself was effecting others like Cyclops. It would have made the impact of Schism even more powerful. If nothing else, it made for an epic battle that tied in nicely to the events that unfolded in Fear Itself #6. So for that, it's still plenty awesome.

So there's only one issue of Uncanny X-men left and it's basically an epilogue issue. I'll probably be doing some binge drinking the night after it comes out. Even though Uncanny X-men is relaunching, it still feels like a solemn end to such a legendary series. The final arc ends with Cyclops, the once lovably uptight teenager from the First Class, turning into the dick that would eventually cause the big schism with the X-men. It's a dark way for the final arc of the series to end. But it fits in nicely with the overall tapestry of the X-books. It was only a few details shy of being perfect. Therefore, I give Uncanny X-men #543 a 4.5 out of 5. There's only one issue left people! Stock up on booze and Prozac because it's going to be a sad moment. I'll be here, presumably a little drunk to review it. Until then, this issue is a fitting example of the kind of awesome that Uncanny X-men has delivered over the past 48 years. Nuff said!