Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #35

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Clear Skies and Clearer Understanding: Storm #11

The following is my review of Storm #11, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There are certain characters whose appeal we'll never understand. Can anyone truly claim they know why Andy Dick had his own show or why Rebecca Black had a hit single? On the other end of the spectrum are characters like Storm, whose appeal goes beyond any viral video or Twitter trend. She's as much an icon for the X-men as Wonder Woman is for the Justice League. It's gotten to the point where we can accept a world where the X-men can function without Wolverine, settling instead for clones or inverted enemies. But we can't accept a world where the X-men can function without Storm. Just ask Black Panther.

In many respects, Greg Pak's has done for Storm what Grant Morrison did for Superman in his All-Star Superman series. He makes concepts like killing giant robots or humiliating the Lex Luthors of the world secondary. Instead, he focuses on fleshing out the defining traits that make us love Ororo Munroe.

Throughout this series, he's touched on many core aspects of her character. There's Storm, the dedicated teacher. There's Storm, the dedicated humanitarian. And there's Storm, the woman who just lost her lover. But no matter which Storm she is, she's a character that commands love and respect. And she does it while looking sexier than Superman ever could. She doesn't even need an obscenely revealing costume designed by Rob Liefeld either. It's one of the many testaments to Storm's character.

So before Secret Wars blinds everyone to the simpler pleasures of refined, likable characters, Pak explores one more core trait to Storm's character in Storm #11. And it's a trait that truly epitomizes the concept of the X-men as a whole. The imagery of Charles Xavier's bald head or Wolverine's chest hair might be more defining to some. But for Storm, the act of reaching out to a scared and unstable young mutant is what defines the X-men.

It's this act that Storm has raised to an art form that Pablo Picasso himself would admire. And she has to push her skills in this craft to their very limit because she has to deal with the kind of unstable mutant that wouldn't even be welcome on the set of Jerry Springer. Kenji Uedo, once the least unstable member of Generation Hope, has returned and he's still as unstable as ever. And since nobody has cared about Hope Summers since Andrew Luck's rookie season, he's taking his anger out on Storm.

In this respect, he chose the perfect target. Storm is the very antithesis of who he is. In addition to being a blatant Akira rip-off, Kenji is the ugliest manifestation of mutants. He's obscenely disfigured, exceedingly unstable, and can't be controlled. On the other end of the spectrum, Storm embodies beauty that even Hallie Berry couldn't sufficiently capture and power so balanced that it can end famine and bring joy. They're still similar in the sense that they both have the power to unleash untold destruction. The main difference is that Storm chooses to use that power to bring peace while Kenji chooses to use that power to make the world his personal toilet bowl.

Beyond just the physical and personal struggles, Kenji attempts to break Storm's spirit down by touching on all those she has interacted with throughout this series. Every struggle that has helped emphasize why she's the most iconic and beloved X-man in history is brought into the fold. It's a perfectly structured act of convergence that DC Comics should take note of. It effectively raises the emotional and personal stakes for Storm. And true to the goddess we know and love, she rises to the occasion in ways that even an army of Hallie Berry's couldn't capture.

Storm exercises every level of her strengths. First, she shows off the kind of power she has over the elements. Kenji, being an immature mutant who hasn't destroyed enough killer robots to call himself an X-man, tries to break Storm by attacking all the friends and allies she reconnected with over the course of the series. Instead of breaking, she gives Kenji a lesson that he won't get outside of an old Catholic school. In an act that would make Spinal Tap proud, she turns the volume up on her powers to 11 and creates a dazzling weather display that effectively purges Kenji's Akira-inspired attacks off the world. However, it's her second attack that is truly defining.

She was still in a position to give Kenji the kind of discipline that even the most sadistic nun wouldn't condone. She has more than enough power to make him wish he was born without skin. However, she chooses not to fight him. Instead, she and the friends she made in this series connect with Kenji. In doing so, she shows him that she too has an ugly side. She has a history of making bad mistakes and not just because of her choice in haircuts. She may carry herself with a beauty and grace that would inspire countless Sir-Mix-A-Lot songs, but she is still as flawed as he is. She just chooses to be something greater.

This is what ends up winning the battle. She doesn't have to kill or even hurt Kenji. She just has to inspire him. This is what makes Storm who she is. This is why she embodies the best of what the X-men have to offer. Cyclops may have the love of hot telepathic women. Wolverine may have the chest hair and bad boy appeal. Charles Xavier may have wisdom and likeness of Patrick Stewart. But Storm has the heart.

It is the best possible conclusion for a series. Storm #11 effectively links all the elements that have been explored throughout this series into one, concise narrative that acts as a love letter to Storm fans of every era. She is the last remaining anchor in the world of X-men that champions their ideals. She has the kind of spirit and heart that the Inhumans will never be able to match, although they'll certainly try. There are so many traits that make Storm the ultimate X-man. It's impossible for any issue or series to cover them all, but this one made a truly worthy effort.

Final Score: 10 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #34

There comes a point where someone has had so many bad days that they just say, “Fuck it!” And I’m not just talking about the kinds of days that involve a tax audit, a parking ticket, and a bar fight that ends with missing teeth. I’m talking about the days that will earn extra therapy for some and extra whiskey for others. For the X-men, I think they’ve gotten a handwritten thank-you letter from every distillery east of the Mississippi at this point. The New Xavier School closed down. Cyclops’ students hate his guts. Emma Frost has locked her panties for the foreseeable future. And Dazzler is still fuming about being screwed over by SHIELD and Mystique. Seeing as how the world is set to end with Secret Wars, they deserve a little more than an extra case of whiskey.

There’s not a whole lot they can do at this point to avoid the cosmic clusterfuck that Secret Wars brings. But that doesn’t mean they can’t face the upcoming incursion without saying they gave the middle finger to their circumstances. At this point, who really gives a shit about the Schism or the shit that went down after Avengers vs. X-men? Are there really any fucks left to give at this point? I say no and Uncanny X-men #34 offers a previous sliver of time between now and Secret Wars to get their shit right. Some take advantage of it. Some don’t. Like everyone who thought the iPhone would fail, those that don’t have any excuses at this point.

And if anyone is good at exploiting the fuck out of a situation, it’s Mystique. If the world is ending, her only concern is how much debt she can run up in the meantime. She’s already run up quite a bit with the shit she did to Dazzler and the shit she’s doing in Wolverines. Yet she still finds time to steal the identity of a famous Bollywood actress and crash in her mansion, complete with all the luxuries that movie stars can enjoy. Say what you will about Mystique, but she knows how to enjoy herself. She would be the ultimate wingman on a trip to Vegas.

Naturally, her love of exploiting the shit out of everyone else’s clusterfucks gets the attention of Cyclops. He’s a guy who could use Mystique’s approach of not giving enough of a shit to enjoy her time before the world ends, but he’s a little more ambitious. And he’s more than a little curious about how Mystique may or may not fuck with those ambitious. Given her history, it’s probably the most reasonable thing he’s done since letting Emma Frost buy the porno.

Mystique is her usual sassy, devious self and it’s still sexy as hell. She doesn’t feel threatened by Cyclops in the slightest. In fact, she treats him the same way Game of Thrones fans treat message boards, using every opportunity to troll the hell out of him. That includes shape-shifting into his ex-girlfriends, teasing him with the Phoenix, and bringing up his recent breakup with Emma Frost. It’s basically anti-therapy. She’s trying to make Cyclops feel he needs to start shooting heroine.

To his credit, he doesn’t book the first flight to Tijuana. He’s able to endure Mystique’s trolling and stay serious. He basically asks her the same question Mystique fans have been asking since Messiah Complex. What the hell is her problem and why the fuck has she become a total sociopath? She’s not quite a King Joffrey level cunt, but she’s trying way too hard. It’s a problem because there was actually a time when Mystique had more depth than that. Cyclops even points that out to her. Since he’s in a similar state, being despised by everyone and on Maria Hill’s shit list, it’s a relevant question for both of them.

It’s slightly less relevant for Dazzler in the sense that she doesn’t really give a damn why Mystique is acting like a total cunt. She just wants payback for the shit she put her through. Mystique did more than just troll her. She knocked Dazzler out, drugged her, took her place, and used her to create MGH. Unless Mystique hated disco more than anyone else in history, she has no excuse for that shit. And Dazzler wants to bring her to justice.

Unfortunately, that means getting a favor from Maria Hill. And she tends to give out favors the same way the Gordon Ramsey gives out compliments. Lucky for Dazzler, Maria owes her one. She was so busy being angry/horny at Cyclops that she didn’t notice that Mystique had taken her place. Dazzler wants Maria to use SHIELD resources to find her. At first, Maria Hill responds as anyone at the DMV would, telling her to pick a number and be ready to fuck off. However, Maria Hill shows some uncanny understanding that is usually absent from the DMV. She gives Dazzler some info while Dazzler gives her advice on Cyclops. Basically, she tells her to keep her panties on. Whether or not she takes this advice is completely up to her.

The conversation between Mystique and Cyclops isn’t quite as tense at first. Cyclops makes some legitimate observations about their respective situation. They were both affected by the death of Charles Xavier and Wolverine. They’re both branded criminals and everyone they ever cared about now hates their guts. If this were a romantic comedy, they would be dry humping by now. However, the conversation takes an unexpected turn.

It happens when some of Cyclops’ observations are no longer as legitimate. Mystique tries trolling him again and like everyone who got into an argument with a creationist on a message board, Cyclops made the mistake of feeding her. She hints that they had a fling at one point. But outside bad fan fiction, that shit never happened and that tips Mystique off that this isn’t Cyclops. He may talk like him, but keeping a straight face at the mention of them boning is a dead giveaway.

Meanwhile, Dazzler still isn’t done asking Maria Hill for favors. Like Willie Nelson asking for an extension on his taxes, she’s really pushing her luck. But what she asks for isn’t that unreasonable. She just asks that the students from the New Xavier School get a pass. Just because Cyclops rescued them doesn’t mean they should be criminals. Maria Hill is not the IRS so she does show a rare bit of understanding. If only all government officials could be so reasonable. She even throws in some free ice cream if she can bring in Mystique. When is the last time any government employee offered ice cream? The DEA should take notice.

This deal provides all the right incentives. It leads to a beautiful convergence of sorts when it’s revealed who the Cyclops imposter was. It wasn’t another shape-shifter. It was actually Dazzler all along and the Stepford Cuckoos provided the illusion. And since the New Xavier students had an incentive as well, Dazzler brought them along for the ride. That means that for once, Mystique was the victim of deception. It’s the second greatest form of irony, ranking just behind being called an asshole by Kanye West.

It all goes downhill for Mystique from there. The Stepford Cuckoos paralyze her so that she can’t attack. Goldballs disarms her as only he can. Then David Bond uses a stereo to give Dazzler just what she needs to give Mystique the ultimate finger. It’s not as sexy as it sounds, unless you find getting blasted out the window sexy. In a world where some people find Cher sexy, I’m sure that’s a thing. But nobody is more satisfied by this than Dazzler. Hell, I’d be shocked if her panties were dry after this.

With Mystique defeated and turned over to SHIELD, Dazzler decides to celebrate. For her, that doesn’t mean a case of whisky and a bag of blow. It means performing a fucking rock concert that would make Lady Gaga herself envious. I’m not usually one for celebrations that don’t involve whiskey, but I think Dazzler has earned this. She was so badly screwed over by Mystique that she could’ve re-enacted a few gruesome Game of Thrones scenes with Mystique and she would’ve been justified. But she chose not to. She’s still an X-man at heart. She’s just an X-man who also happens to be a fucking rock star. Even Wolverine can’t say he ever had that much skill.

Once the show is over, Maria Hill catches up with her and they basically seal the deal. Dazzler did her part. Maria did hers as well. She didn’t even give her more paperwork to fill out. If only she worked for a traffic court. And since she seems to be in an unusually good mood, she offers Dazzler her old job back. I’m pretty sure that SHIELD has a clause that says nobody can be fired for being screwed over by a shape shifter. Hell, I’m pretty sure that was the first thing their union fought for.

It’s not clear if Dazzler takes Maria Hill up on her offer. But she also makes another point. She says that Cyclops is no longer the mutant that can protect young mutants. And that’s the freshest kind of bullshit there is. I guess nobody told Maria that Cyclops saved young mutants who had been wrongfully arrested for healing innocent people or were shot for no reason by cops. Where the fuck was SHIELD when that happened? Where the fuck was the Jean Grey Institute? And she says he’s not that guy? I don’t know if her rage boner for Cyclops has given her brain damage, but this is the most full of shit any government employee has been that didn’t involve parking tickets.

There’s a much more balanced conversation between the New Xavier School students. They leave the concert and get a bite to eat, which is understandable. Rocking out works up an appetite for both food and other crazy shit. They then talk about what they’re going to do now that their records are clean. They all come to the perfectly reasonable conclusion that just being mutants doesn’t mean they need to be X-men. Cyclops ditched them and the Jean Grey Institute didn’t do shit for them when they were in trouble. So Hijack comes up with an idea. However, it’s not clear what that idea is. Since he looks like he just got a blowjob from Jessica Alba, I’m guessing it’s not entirely fucked. But I’ve been wrong before.

Let’s face facts. There were and still are a metric fuckton of loose ends to resolve for Secret Wars. Anyone expecting Marvel to go all obsessive compulsive and close every one of them like Sheldon Cooper on crack was expecting too much. But let’s give credit to where credit is due. This issue was able to tie up a lingering, drawn out loose end in a simple, concise way. Dazzler’s rage boner against Mystique has finally been quelled and Maria Hill’s rage boner/normal boner for Cyclops has been at least partially quelled. It was satisfying in a way that usually involves lube and weed, but this one allowed me to keep both my hands and my lungs clean.

There are still much larger loose ends to tie up, but this issue provided a template of sorts on how to do it right. Take a long-standing vendetta, mix in a little deception, and throw in some overtly sexy innuendo and the end result is a damn good story/James Bond movie. Dazzler fans can finally break out the disco ball and the roller skates. She really kicked ass in this issue. Even though the world as she knows it ends with Secret Wars, she can now go into it with the satisfaction that she kicked Mystique’s ass and taught a valuable lesson to teenagers. She couldn’t have accomplished more without access to Warren Buffet’s credit card. I give Uncanny X-men #34 a 9 out of 10. Whether she’s an outdated disco queen or a punk rock prototype found only at an Ozzy Osborne concert, Dazzler is awesome. She’s not awesome enough to make disco popular again, but she’s worth giving a shit about. Her awesome may be the only thing that fans of One Direction and Marilyn Manson can agree on. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #26

When it comes to the X-men, it’s hard for anything they face to feel overly exotic. This is a team that deals with aliens, gods, dictators, and religious bigots all in the same week. It’s hard to put them in a situation that’ll feel genuinely novel. That doesn’t mean the stories of these situations can’t be awesome. If people got tired of seeing their favorite characters follow a familiar formula with their adventures, the Simpsons wouldn’t have lasted over 25 years. And in the same way I enjoy the Simpsons, I enjoy seeing the X-men deal with crazy yet familiar challenges.

There’s nothing all that mind-blowing about the latest clusterfuck the X-women have encountered. They’re trapped in a deep, subterranean realm in the Black Rock Desert and one of them happens to be horribly claustrophobic. It sounds like both an adventure and an upcoming reality show on NBC. While it would suck as a reality show, it has done a good job of putting the X-women in a situation that brings out the strengths of their characters. Some have shown more strength than others. That’s hard to avoid in a team that has both Storm and Monet in its ranks. Nobody’s going to feel their mind and heart race in this story without the aid from some really good weed, but X-men #26 still has plenty to offer. But does it deliver? It does, but not in the way you might expect.

For a good chunk of this arc, the X-women have been stumbling around in this cave trying to figure out why it’s trying to become Earth’s latest rectal wart not caused by fracking. Somewhere along the line, they uncovered that it’s part of yet another Kree clusterfuck and this one didn’t even have the decency to give a hot blonde superpowers. It just created the kind of death trap that the X-men find themselves in at least once a month. At this point, they’re done playing Indiana Jones. They just want to get the fuck out before they have to outrun giant boulders. And since this cave is being fueled by Kree douche-baggery, it doesn’t make it easy for them.

Rachel, Psylocke, and Monet’s escape attempts are a lot more ambitious than Indiana Jones, but the cave just doesn’t want to let a bunch of pretty women out of it. I want to say I can’t blame it, but this cave has already displayed a Robert Durst level of creepy so I’ll stop myself. They’re able to escape, but not without feeling they just spent a weekend in Tony Stark’s bungalow. Then Storm shows up and it’s no longer a balanced battle.

Now Storm is supposed to be the claustrophobic one here. In fact, she’s been dealing with that shit for a good chunk of this arc. She’s been dealing with it to the point where it starts to drag. Finally, she decides to kick that phobia in the dick and join her friends. It’s not just an awesome display of how she can dry-hump nature on a whim. It also makes for an emotional reunion. She actually takes the time to embrace her friends. It may sound like the premise of most lesbian porn, but it actually has heart. It still gives me a boner. That doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate it though.

The emotional reunion lasts about as long as a Van Halen reunion because that cave isn’t done being a Kree-fueled asshole. It decides it’s no longer content just being the topic of a National Geographic documentary. It’s going to take a page right out Ghostbusters and become a big rampaging monster that’s nowhere near as adorable as the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. Even though it’s in the middle of a fucking desert, that desert just happens to be the site of some hipster goth concert. So there are plenty of people to crush. I know this probably doesn’t need to be said, but fuck the Kree.

The X-men go to work doing what they do whenever they see a giant monster and/or killer robot. They even have a chance to meet up with Gambit, who has done basically jack shit in this story. For all we know, he was having a three-way with a couple of goth chicks. And he keeps on doing jack shit as Storm and Rachel Grey attempt to attack the rock monster. It immediately tries to give them the Ray Rice treatment. But these are the X-women. Even a cave monster has to worry about more than a four-game suspension and a dipshit casino security guard.

It doesn’t exactly make for an epic battle on part with the final battle in Terminator 2. Rachel Grey actually tries to be the one that delivers the finishing blow. She fails miserably and that’s kind of a running theme with her. She’s such a powerhouse, but she does so much nothing in every X-men comic she’s in that she might as well be Brett Favre’s backup. It’s a symptom of a much bigger problem involving Rachel Grey as a character, but one that’s no more egregious than usual in the face of a giant rock monster.

Despite another self-deprecating moment, Rachel Grey gets a nice save from Jubilee, who has tried to contribute to this story as best a mutant-vampire/teen mother can. She flies in on one of the X-men’s many mini-jets and catch’s Rachel because I guess she just hasn’t been marginalized enough. But being part of the X-women, it’s fitting that she shows up since she has been working behind the scenes with Beast to figure out why this cave is more fucked up than any hole in the desert that nobody besides Bear Gylles would go.

It makes for another emotional reunion followed by more hugs. Again, that moment gets ruined when the big fucking rock monster crushes Jubilee’s mini-jet. I’m pretty sure that warrants combing Beast’s fur for a week. Given all the jets the X-men lose, they’re probably numb to such horrors.

The X-women make another attack. This time, Jubilee offers some advice. This thing is a result of yet another Kree fuck-up. Instead of creating another Captain Marvel, it created a pissed off rock monster. So maybe it makes more sense to reach out to that rock monster or at least make it think happy thoughts before they kick its rocky ass. It’s not the same as Chuck Norris just cracking his knuckles and hoping the sound of his bones is enough to shatter the monster, but it does offer something a little deeper than the typical monster/giant robot fight.

It also has the added benefit of allowing Rachel Grey to reveal just what’s pissing this creature off so much. It adds some details about the Kree fuck-up that created it. Surprise, some dip-shit humans helped add to it. First, a Kree satellite crashed because I guess that’s what Kree technology is best at doing. Then some dip-shit humans tried to turn it into a weapon and made it into a monster instead. Then a Kree soldier arrives to piss off said monster. It’s not so much a tragedy as it is a comedy of douche-baggery.

At the very least, the X-women show it some level of mercy. Rachel Grey makes sure the creature is numb before Storm blows it the fuck up in the most spectacular way possible. It is a little overly efficient in that it basically shows that Rachel Grey should never be on the front lines of a giant monster fight. But the added details about this creature help give its destruction some weight, which is something we don’t normally get when the X-men destroy a monster/killer robot. We’re just content to see shit blow up. That’s all well and good for a Transformers movie, but depth helps make it meaningful.

The X-women finally have a chance to catch their breath and the would-be concert-goers can finally stop shitting themselves. This is usually the part where they just shrug their shoulders and go onto fight the next killer monster that comes their way. But again, we get a little extra added depth.

They stand in the ruins of the creature and muse over the douche-baggery and incompetence that created it. On some levels, it was a tragedy because this monster wasn’t rubbing elbows with the Red Skull or anything. It was a victim of another Kree-inspired shit storm. And the X-women had to be the ones to put it down. It makes the moment more bittersweet, but in a good way.

It also makes for a sweet moment between Storm and Jubilee back at the Jean Grey Institute. Even though it was probably her claustrophobia fucking with her, Storm had visions of Wolverine in that cave. It adds a little extra emotion to a story that involved giant rock monster, which in and of itself is an accomplishment. It also shows that Wolverine’s death still has impact, even if the lawyers at Marvel Studios wish it didn’t.

Jubilee even tries to honor the dead rock monster in some weird yet fitting way. She takes a piece of it and gives it to Karoka, the Jean Grey Institute’s resident lawn monster. It’s a nice way of ensuring they don’t completely shrug off the tragedy that created this monster. And it gives Karoka hope that one day another Kree fuck-up will turn a mountain into a big-titted woman rock monster. Let’s face it. At the rate the Kree fuck up, that’s bound to happen at some point.

In terms of the larger arc, this story has dragged at times. That’s not to say it dragged as much as the last Martin Scorsese movie, but the X-women spent a bit too much time stumbling around in the dark. However, this issue offered a nice payoff to all that stumbling. They finally got the fuck out of that cave and kicked ass as only X-women can. But they ended up doing more than just destroy a rampaging rock monster. That’s the kind of shit anyone can see on a Power Rangers rerun. They found time to inject a little heart into the struggle. Sure, it still ended with Storm exercising her inner goddess and shattering the monster in ways no megazord can boast, but there was more to it and that helped give the story its impact.

Beyond fighting a rock monster, there was still time for nice character moments. Even Karoka got in on the act. Sure, some characters like Rachel Grey might as well be extras on a Star Trek rerun at this point. However, the characters that did have moments made the most of them. This extra bit of emotion is what has made the X-women awesome and worthy of their own series. This arc didn’t play to all their strengths, but it did enough to be satisfying. I give X-men #26 a 7 out of 10. So now the Kree have found a way to fuck with humans and mutants alike. Can someone just put a big sign on the moon at this point and tell the Kree to fuck off until the Captain Marvel movie comes out? I think everyone in the Marvel universe is tired of their shit at this point. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #33

What’s the difference between simple bad luck and a full-blown shit storm? It’s subtle, but only to the extent that certain kinds of Earthquakes are subtle. Bad luck is fleeting. Bad luck is some dip-shit at Starbucks putting too much cream in an espresso. It’s annoying, but it’s over as soon as someone spits that disgusting concoction out on the nearest barista. A shit-storm is a bit more elaborate. It leaves a stench the same way bathing in John Goodman’s septic tank leaves a stench. It lingers, it taints, and it stinks in ways that can induce seizures.

To say that the mess Cyclops left after dissolving the New Xavier School was a shit-storm would be the most polite way of putting it. He found a way to do it in a manner that pissed everyone off, including his ex-girlfriend. He just really dove head-first into it, leaving plenty of other characters with a noticeable stench. He’s got a lot to clean up and it’s not going to be solved with a simple bottle of Febreeze. So I’m sure a lot of X-men fans are curious about how he’s going to go about it. I admit I’m curious about that story as well. Well unfortunately, that’s not the story we get in Uncanny X-men #33. In fact, we don’t get jack shit in terms of progress regarding the closure of the New Xavier School. We only get a simple one-shot story involving Kitty Pryde and Magik. It’s as entertaining as it sounds, except for those hoping for lesbian porn.

It’s not completely random. While Cyclops was announcing to his students that the New Xavier School would be closing, Magik grabbed Kitty and teleported her away. She didn’t give a reason. She probably knew Kitty would make the kind of scene that even a demon child like her couldn’t stop. Or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, they ditched this monumental moment and this is the story that happened.

It’s completely irrelevant to the plot revolving around Cyclops shutting down the New Xavier School. In fact, that shit doesn’t even get mentioned. But to be fair, they really don’t have time to contemplate it because Magik just happened to teleport Kitty to Monster Island. It’s basically like the Savage Land on crack. At the very least, Magik was honest about saying she would do something stupid if she stayed to listen to Cyclops’ announcement. And in Monster Island, she has plenty of opportunities to vent. Is it health? Fuck no. But is it fitting? Fuck yes.

However, Magik then reveals that she’s not just there to blow off steam, although that would be a perfectly legitimate reason for a demon-powered teenager. She claims she took her to Monster Island to find a mutant who happens to be in trouble. If that sounds obscenely contrived, then take a deep breath. That last bong hit didn’t kill too many brain cells.

Exactly how the fuck does this mutant tie into the ongoing conflict surrounding Cyclops and the New Xavier School? How does this mutant contribute anything to the story that took a big fucking turn in the previous issue? Spoiler alert: he or she contributes less than jack shit. There really is nothing else to it. They’re just there to help a missing mutant. Kitty and Magik are almost casual about it. Magik fights off the monsters as though she’s painting her nails and Kitty is just calmly talking to her as though she’s waiting in line at a Wal-Mart. She doesn’t ask about Cyclops or what’s happening to the New Xavier School. She just shrugs her shoulders and goes along with it.

Now I’m not saying that helping an innocent mutant makes for a shitty story. Hell, that’s probably the simplest, most basic kind of X-men story there is. There’s just absolutely nothing appealing about it in the context of recent events. I love watching a rerun of the Simpsons as much as the next guy, but if I see a rerun at a time when I was hoping to see a new episode of Family Guy I’m still going to be disappointed. So in a sense, this whole story fucks itself before it even has a chance to get going.

Circumstances aside, this story that nobody wanted or asked for still progresses as coherently as is possible on a place like Monster Island. Magik keeps fighting off armies of blood-thirsty monsters. Eventually, the monsters realize that fighting a demon-powered teenage girl is not good for their long-term health. So they decide to back the fuck off. Something about that is inherently logical. Even monsters on an island dominated by monsters would rather not deal with a pissed off teenage girl. This is why parents drink and why therapists are overpaid.

There’s no question that Magik is badass and dangerous. The battle against the monsters here is nothing spectacular. It’s fairly generic. It’s not overly rushed either. It’s just predictable. I can’t say it does anything wrong. I don’t think anybody would expect an island of monsters to give someone like Magik any trouble. But again, the circumstances of this story just limit the impact.

Once the monsters back the fuck off and leave the teenager girls to the guidance counselors and principals of the world, Magik and Kitty Pryde proceed to look for this missing mutant. Along the way, Magik and Kitty do have some meaningful conversations. Magik explains that she’s not just doing this because slaughtering monsters is how she blows off steam, although that’s probably part of it. She says that when the X-men are at each other’s throats like Cyclops and Wolverine fighting over an old pair of Jean’s panties, she likes to go off and help mutants in need. It’s how she reminds herself that the X-men are worth fighting for. It’s probably the most healthy coping skill a messed up teenager has ever done in any circumstance and it doesn’t even require a prescription. It makes a twisted bit of sense, even if the impact is still limited.

Kitty doesn’t add much. She just chooses not to argue. When a fucked up teenage girl is doing the right things, she understands that it’s usually a good idea not to say a damn thing. So he just follows her along and helps her search for this mutant. And like 70 percent of all the X-men’s search efforts, it leads them to a creepy cave. I guess it’s still better than mad scientist’s lab or Graydon Creed’s basement, but it’s right up there.

Inside the cave, they find this missing mutant. And it turns out to be a mutant that’s far more adorable than Matthew Malloy or Hope fucking Summers. It’s a little girl who looks like she tried to cos-play as an alien from Star Trek and failed miserably. She’s not deformed. She’s not whining like Matthew Malloy. She’s just scared, confused, and adorable. It helped make Frozen a billion dollar movie so why not use it here?

Kitty Pryde, being the one who isn’t plagued by demonic forces, reaches out to the young girl. Their exchange is every bit as adorable, utilizing the classic X-men heroics. This girl is scared and hungry, but she quickly connects with Kitty the same way most children connect with a puppy. It might not be a story about Cyclops and Havok opening up their own pizza place, but even the non-Disney fans have to enjoy this on some level. Except the sociopaths, this moment should touch the hearts of every X-men.

This exchange quickly goes from cute to terrifying when the little girl, who calls herself Bo, reveals that her father left her on this island as finger food for monsters. Even Darth Vader would say that’s pretty fucking harsh. He could’ve at least given her a chance to join the dark side. She says her father told her that her powers killed her mother. But he might just be a massive dick. A man who leaves a little girl on an island of monsters certainly fits most of the criteria.

The girl starts getting emotional and understandably so. Thinking about an asshole father who left her on an island of monsters probably would upset anyone at any age. The problem is a crying little girl is like a dinner bell for some monsters. And one of them just happens to be nearby. It’s not as bad as a Sentinel, but it’s still right up there.

However, there isn’t much of a battle this time. Magik doesn’t get a chance to skin this monster alive and make cute puppets to cheer Bo up. Instead, Bo shows off the powers that brought out the massive dickhead in her father. She shoots off a few fancy energy blasts, probably pissing off a few Dazzler fans in the process. These blasts end the battle in an effective, albeit unspectacular way. It still takes out the monster, along with Kitty and Magik. It also explains why Bo was able to survive on Monster Island. With a power like that, capable of taking out monsters that startle her, she could probably survive on Monster Island as easily as I could survive at a Wal-Mart.

Kitty and Bo have another adorable conversation. Kitty once again shows the classic skills of a good X-man, talking to the young mutant girl with kindness and compassion. She explains to her that she’s a mutant. She has powers and her father was a total asshole about it. Even though she and Magik just experienced the business end of those powers, she’s not mad. I’m sure Kitty has endured way worse when she’s gotten in Wolverine’s way before he’s had his morning beer. It’s the complete opposite reaction of her asshole father and it goes a long ways towards making the little girl feel at ease.

It’s still worth saying that Bo is incredibly adorable. I know this story is still completely out of place. But after the bullshit story surrounding Matthew Malloy, Bo is a welcome upgrade. She’s more representative of the issues mutants face. They have scary powers that their parents don’t understand. The X-men go out of their way to help them. It’s a perfect display of what the X-men are all about. It’s simple and basic, even if it’s out of place. And even if I were an angry drunk, I couldn’t help but adore this girl and this story on some levels. Then again, I tend to get overly emotional when I’m drunk, as plenty of traffic cops can attest.

Having endeared themselves to this little girl, Magik teleports her away from Monster Island and to the Jean Grey Institute. They then introduce Bo to Storm and Nightcrawler, who welcome the little girl with open arms. Even though her powers leave them feeling hung over, minus the beer buzz, they both embrace her in another tender moment. It essentially proves that Magik’s approach to dealing with the X-men’s internal struggles is effective. Just running off to help an innocent mutant does in one day what a year of group therapy can’t and is probably way cheaper. It also gives Kitty Pryde and Magik a way to re-connect. It’s still awkward with Kitty having dated her brother, but there’s still friendship there. Magik should just be glad her name isn’t Petra. Then there might be too much sexual tension for that friendship to work.

This issue was as basic as an issue of X-men could possibly get. Take a couple X-men, put them in a hostile environment, and have them rescue a scared young mutant whose parents happen to be dicks. This is a script so simple that Stan Lee could recite it verbatim while drunk. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that script. There’s nothing inherently wrong with how it’s done in this issue. It just feels out of place, like watching an episode of Game of Thrones out of order. There’s still plenty to enjoy, especially if it involves a Lanister in a brothel. But it doesn’t really contribute much to the bigger picture.

There were so many hard emotions and major changes at the end of the previous issue. There was a powerful story that was just starting to unfold. But instead of seeing that story, we get this fun little adventure with Kitty Pryde and Magik. Don’t get me wrong. I love Kitty Pryde and Magik. I’m sure there’s an alternate universe where they go down on each other over the Red Skull’s rotting corpse. It just doesn’t really add much. It’s plain. It’s simple. It works. But it doesn’t do anything that the X-men haven’t done since the Kennedy Administration. I give Uncanny X-men #33 a 6 out of 10. It’s good in that it follows that tried and true formula correctly. It just felt out of place. There’s a time and a place for two women to fight monsters and it doesn’t always have to be in anime porn. It might have been the right place, but it wasn’t the right time. If I want that kind of filler, I’ll go back to eating at McDonald’s. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Storm #10

There are some characters that find a way to be relatable, yet still have the kind of obscene power that makes gods, goddesses, and congressmen shit themselves. And I’m not talking about the kind of bullshit relatability that Spider-Man claims to have. Nobody not named Tom Brady can be a young, attractive white guy who bangs supermodels and still be relatable. And even though Peter Parker is the kind of guy who the Ted Cruzes and Hillary Clintons of the world would pander to in an election year, I find Storm to be much more relatable.

I know. That sounds like one of those things I say when I’ve had a few too many bong hits or lost a fight with a lawn gnome. But think about it. She’s an outsider who had to fight to survive under circumstances way more shitty than just making a mortgage payment. She’s very different in that she stands out in a crowd, but not to the point where the NYPD would subject her to a stop and frisk for reasons that don’t involve copping a feel. Yet still, she finds a way to be so loving and compassionate to all those around her, even when she’s surrounded by injustice and annoying teenagers.

Compared to that, her weather control powers are her second greatest abilities at best. Her solo series had given everybody so many reminders as to why she’s the most lovable and relatable X-men character in the Marvel Universe that nobody who isn’t in a coma has an excuse at this point. But Storm #10 still tries to reinforce it because damn it, it’s a point worth reinforcing.

It’s also a point that everyone in the Jean Grey Institute seems to understand. They know that when Storm arrives on the scene, everyone needs to step up their game. For a good chunk of this series, she’s gone on more than a few not-so-enjoyable excursions. One of them involved her getting wrongfully arrested. Luckily, she let the authorities off with a warning. So when she returns to the Jean Grey Institute, everybody stands up a little straighter because the bar for being a good X-man has once again been raised.

What follows is a brief, but meaningful exploration into the kind of life Ororo Munroe lives at the Jean Grey Institute when she’s not fighting Sentinels or inspiring others to worship her like the goddess she is at heart. That includes duties like teaching classes, answering emails, and sitting in on disciplinary hearings. It’s the kind of shit that goes on in real schools that don’t have a front yard that happens to be alive. It many sound menial, but it’s not beneath her. She never treats it as such.

That’s what makes her so much more lovable than most of the other heroes that get solo series and major movies. She’s willing to do these menial things and she finds a way to do them in a way that’s both graceful and awesome. That includes something as simple as clearing up a mold problem in the sewers and watering her plants. Storm doesn’t just accomplish these tasks with stunning efficiency. She does it with a grace and humility that makes her more worthy of worship than most every other god or goddess. How many other gods will take time out of their day to clean mold?

But the menial aspects of Storm’s duties at the Jean Grey Institute don’t last. They never do. After establishing that Storm is capable of handling her day-to-day duties with the divine beauty that we’ve come to expect, she faces a more typical X-men style problem. For once, this one doesn’t involve killer robots or corrupt mutant-hating diplomats. It involves some creepy, anime-porn inspired monster that shoots up from the sewer system that she just cleaned. I guess at a place like the Jean Grey Institute, this counts as a fairly typical Thursday afternoon.

Storm makes quick work of it. She’s not some cute anime school girl. She’s Ororo fucking Munroe. But in doing so, she also reveals that this creepy anime wannabe is actually a familiar face. It’s Kenji Uedo, also known as the most butt-ugly batshit character from the Generation Hope days. He’s been listed as dead for a while. But in a universe occupied by Jean Grey, he should know by now that’s no excuse. It turns out he’s back and the only way he could get the X-men’s attention was attacking them. That or his email was going too damn slow. He might still be using Yahoo.

Being the kind and understanding woman she is, Storm resists the urge to finish Kenji off again and rushes him to the infirmary. It’s there where she reveals in the most polite manner possible that he’s supposed to be dead. He died back on Utopia after he went ape shit and tried to kill everybody in ways that even tentacle porn doesn’t depict. As a result, he’s wearing a strait jacket. For what this asshole deserves, he should consider himself lucky.

This doesn’t stop Storm from being kind and comforting to Kenji. She gives him a chance to explain himself and he comes off as sincere. He’s weak, scared, and nothing at all like the Akira rip-off who fell in love with a brain in a jar (not a joke, by the way). It’s almost believable. He even has a reason for how he came back to life.

This asshole named Harmon, who Storm clashed with earlier in this series, used his exotic body to give his busted up physiology an upgrade. It’s pretty sick in a way that probably gives Sinister a boner. But it’s both believable and consistent with the recent events of the series. It’s not overly forced or contrived. It works. Compared to most resurrections that involve clones or shape-shifting aliens, it’s a huge plus. That doesn’t mean Storm is going to be his Oprah and hug him like a sick puppy. He’s still going to be on lockdown while a couple of telepaths monitor his mind. As kind and compassionate as Storm is, she understands it’s never wise to trust creepy teenage boys with a history of homicidal douche-baggery.

Other elements from previous issues in this series come into play as well. A few issues back, Storm met up with Callisto and a group of run-aways living in the sewers. It turns out they’re also having a nasty mold problem and they don’t have Storm’s powers to clear it up while looking sexy as hell in the process. So they either have to pick up a sponge or learn to live with it. There’s some nice quips about how shit was easier in the sewer when they had Morlock powers to rely on. It’s still the sewers though. Mutant powers can only go so far. Not having them also really sucks with scary shit starts attacking, as Callisto learns the hard way.

In addition to Callisto, another one of Storm’s friends from earlier in this series calls up and says shit is starting to stink. Forge, who actually had the privlidge of seeing Storm naked at one point, reveals that he also had a mold problem while working in Kenya. But windex and paper towels can’t clear this shit up because apparently, it’s not ordinary mold. It’s the kind that fuels a legion of Kenji Uedo style monsters.

It started with mold in the Jean Grey Institute, which Storm easily took care of. Now that shit has found its way to some of Storm’s other recent hangouts. It’s a nice bit of convergence for a series that has been remarkably concise in making Storm awesome in so many different ways. She’s had to battle her share of assholes along the way, but none quite like this. Any army of monsters that originated from an unstable teenage boy is bound to be disturbing than any killer robots.

When Storm hears about this, she quickly connects the dots. She knows Kenji Uedo has to be the source and she doesn’t need a Batcave, a Fortress of Solitude, or a Cerebro to figure that shit out. She understands that the best way to help her friends and allies is to go to the source. So she’s not just awesome and lovable. She’s also competent. That not as common as it should be. Look at Peter Parker’s long list of fuck-ups for proof of that.

She eventually does arrive at the source, but it’s a bit too late to unfuck the situation. More Akira-inspired monstrosities emerge and they’ve already got Rachel Grey and Beast. Kenji Uedo is still coming off as innocent. He’s trying to fight it off and doing a pretty shitty job. A metal chair might be marginally effective in a WWE match. It’s not nearly as effective is a big fucking tentacle monster. Still, I give the kid points for at least giving the impression he’s not the same asshole.

He loses those points pretty damn fast when he eventually gets sucked up into the monster and not like a cute school girl in a short skirt. As it absorbs him, he starts to talk like his old self again. That means he’s channeling his inner douche-bag again, sounding like a deranged artist who would make a statue of Paulie Shore out of dead baby seals if he could. Now it’s not clear if he’s still somewhat innocent in all this. That lack of clarity is somewhat confusing. The line between where Kenji Uedo ends and this oversized Akira rip-off begins is not easily defined. Maybe that’s on purpose, but it’s still overly obscure and lacks emotional impact.

Even so, Storm tries to be the kind and loving person she is at heart and reaches out to Kenji. She’s way more merciful and kind that Kenji deserves, but that only helps reinforce the traits that make her so awesome. This kid has already gone on multiple Godzilla-style rampages. He’s already carried himself with the kind of douche-baggery that would’ve made him a perfect cast member on the Jersey Shore. But she’s still willing to give him a chance. In an era where being caught with a tiny bag of weed means jail time for most people, that says a lot about Storm.

It also says a lot about Kenji when he basically spits in the face of Storm’s compassion. This is both a dick move and incredibly stupid. She’s a fucking weather goddess. She can use a tornado to do root canal on him if she wants. Even so, he’s got batshit insanity on his side so the battle feels more even than it is on paper. He wants to re-establish his douche-baggery in a story that re-established all the less obvious traits that make Storm awesome. In both instances, they succeed.

It would be easy at times to accuse Storm of being too competent and kind. Then again, that would be like saying a certain Playboy model is too beautiful. It’s not a valid complaint. But this issue does something besides give Storm a new challenge to overcome with the kind of grace and swag that she wields. It showed how she conducts herself as headmaster of the Jean Grey Institute. It also shows that for all the respect and authority she wields, she earns every fucking bit of it.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Kenji Uedo has done everything possible to be unworthy of such respect. He was the chief asshole prior to Avengers vs. X-men and since he was on a team with Hope fucking Summers, that’s saying something. He makes a concerted effort to be sympathetic in this issue. He even ties it into some of the recent conflicts Storm has been dealing with. But given his history and his personality, it’s just hard to give his words any credibility. So it was hard to be surprised to see him go full tentacle porn in the end.

It was still nice to see Storm give him a chance. Granted, he pissed that chance away like a bad cup of coffee, but it once again demonstrated the kind of character Storm is. It also nicely tied in a few other stories that had been explored in previous issues. This sense of cohesion and the many respectable moments Storm brought make this series special. It’s special because she’s a special character that Marvel will never be able to replace with some bullshit Inhuman rip-off. I give Storm #10 an 8 out of 10. Kenji Uedo is a dick an a total Akira rip-off. Ororo Munroe is a loving, compassionate goddess that combines the heart of an angel with the badassery of an army of Amazon warriors. Nuff said!