Clear Skies and Clearer Understanding: Storm #11

The following is my review of Storm #11, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There are certain characters whose appeal we'll never understand. Can anyone truly claim they know why Andy Dick had his own show or why Rebecca Black had a hit single? On the other end of the spectrum are characters like Storm, whose appeal goes beyond any viral video or Twitter trend. She's as much an icon for the X-men as Wonder Woman is for the Justice League. It's gotten to the point where we can accept a world where the X-men can function without Wolverine, settling instead for clones or inverted enemies. But we can't accept a world where the X-men can function without Storm. Just ask Black Panther.

In many respects, Greg Pak's has done for Storm what Grant Morrison did for Superman in his All-Star Superman series. He makes concepts like killing giant robots or humiliating the Lex Luthors of the world secondary. Instead, he focuses on fleshing out the defining traits that make us love Ororo Munroe.

Throughout this series, he's touched on many core aspects of her character. There's Storm, the dedicated teacher. There's Storm, the dedicated humanitarian. And there's Storm, the woman who just lost her lover. But no matter which Storm she is, she's a character that commands love and respect. And she does it while looking sexier than Superman ever could. She doesn't even need an obscenely revealing costume designed by Rob Liefeld either. It's one of the many testaments to Storm's character.

So before Secret Wars blinds everyone to the simpler pleasures of refined, likable characters, Pak explores one more core trait to Storm's character in Storm #11. And it's a trait that truly epitomizes the concept of the X-men as a whole. The imagery of Charles Xavier's bald head or Wolverine's chest hair might be more defining to some. But for Storm, the act of reaching out to a scared and unstable young mutant is what defines the X-men.

It's this act that Storm has raised to an art form that Pablo Picasso himself would admire. And she has to push her skills in this craft to their very limit because she has to deal with the kind of unstable mutant that wouldn't even be welcome on the set of Jerry Springer. Kenji Uedo, once the least unstable member of Generation Hope, has returned and he's still as unstable as ever. And since nobody has cared about Hope Summers since Andrew Luck's rookie season, he's taking his anger out on Storm.

In this respect, he chose the perfect target. Storm is the very antithesis of who he is. In addition to being a blatant Akira rip-off, Kenji is the ugliest manifestation of mutants. He's obscenely disfigured, exceedingly unstable, and can't be controlled. On the other end of the spectrum, Storm embodies beauty that even Hallie Berry couldn't sufficiently capture and power so balanced that it can end famine and bring joy. They're still similar in the sense that they both have the power to unleash untold destruction. The main difference is that Storm chooses to use that power to bring peace while Kenji chooses to use that power to make the world his personal toilet bowl.

Beyond just the physical and personal struggles, Kenji attempts to break Storm's spirit down by touching on all those she has interacted with throughout this series. Every struggle that has helped emphasize why she's the most iconic and beloved X-man in history is brought into the fold. It's a perfectly structured act of convergence that DC Comics should take note of. It effectively raises the emotional and personal stakes for Storm. And true to the goddess we know and love, she rises to the occasion in ways that even an army of Hallie Berry's couldn't capture.

Storm exercises every level of her strengths. First, she shows off the kind of power she has over the elements. Kenji, being an immature mutant who hasn't destroyed enough killer robots to call himself an X-man, tries to break Storm by attacking all the friends and allies she reconnected with over the course of the series. Instead of breaking, she gives Kenji a lesson that he won't get outside of an old Catholic school. In an act that would make Spinal Tap proud, she turns the volume up on her powers to 11 and creates a dazzling weather display that effectively purges Kenji's Akira-inspired attacks off the world. However, it's her second attack that is truly defining.

She was still in a position to give Kenji the kind of discipline that even the most sadistic nun wouldn't condone. She has more than enough power to make him wish he was born without skin. However, she chooses not to fight him. Instead, she and the friends she made in this series connect with Kenji. In doing so, she shows him that she too has an ugly side. She has a history of making bad mistakes and not just because of her choice in haircuts. She may carry herself with a beauty and grace that would inspire countless Sir-Mix-A-Lot songs, but she is still as flawed as he is. She just chooses to be something greater.

This is what ends up winning the battle. She doesn't have to kill or even hurt Kenji. She just has to inspire him. This is what makes Storm who she is. This is why she embodies the best of what the X-men have to offer. Cyclops may have the love of hot telepathic women. Wolverine may have the chest hair and bad boy appeal. Charles Xavier may have wisdom and likeness of Patrick Stewart. But Storm has the heart.

It is the best possible conclusion for a series. Storm #11 effectively links all the elements that have been explored throughout this series into one, concise narrative that acts as a love letter to Storm fans of every era. She is the last remaining anchor in the world of X-men that champions their ideals. She has the kind of spirit and heart that the Inhumans will never be able to match, although they'll certainly try. There are so many traits that make Storm the ultimate X-man. It's impossible for any issue or series to cover them all, but this one made a truly worthy effort.

Final Score: 10 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Storm #10

There are some characters that find a way to be relatable, yet still have the kind of obscene power that makes gods, goddesses, and congressmen shit themselves. And I’m not talking about the kind of bullshit relatability that Spider-Man claims to have. Nobody not named Tom Brady can be a young, attractive white guy who bangs supermodels and still be relatable. And even though Peter Parker is the kind of guy who the Ted Cruzes and Hillary Clintons of the world would pander to in an election year, I find Storm to be much more relatable.

I know. That sounds like one of those things I say when I’ve had a few too many bong hits or lost a fight with a lawn gnome. But think about it. She’s an outsider who had to fight to survive under circumstances way more shitty than just making a mortgage payment. She’s very different in that she stands out in a crowd, but not to the point where the NYPD would subject her to a stop and frisk for reasons that don’t involve copping a feel. Yet still, she finds a way to be so loving and compassionate to all those around her, even when she’s surrounded by injustice and annoying teenagers.

Compared to that, her weather control powers are her second greatest abilities at best. Her solo series had given everybody so many reminders as to why she’s the most lovable and relatable X-men character in the Marvel Universe that nobody who isn’t in a coma has an excuse at this point. But Storm #10 still tries to reinforce it because damn it, it’s a point worth reinforcing.

It’s also a point that everyone in the Jean Grey Institute seems to understand. They know that when Storm arrives on the scene, everyone needs to step up their game. For a good chunk of this series, she’s gone on more than a few not-so-enjoyable excursions. One of them involved her getting wrongfully arrested. Luckily, she let the authorities off with a warning. So when she returns to the Jean Grey Institute, everybody stands up a little straighter because the bar for being a good X-man has once again been raised.

What follows is a brief, but meaningful exploration into the kind of life Ororo Munroe lives at the Jean Grey Institute when she’s not fighting Sentinels or inspiring others to worship her like the goddess she is at heart. That includes duties like teaching classes, answering emails, and sitting in on disciplinary hearings. It’s the kind of shit that goes on in real schools that don’t have a front yard that happens to be alive. It many sound menial, but it’s not beneath her. She never treats it as such.

That’s what makes her so much more lovable than most of the other heroes that get solo series and major movies. She’s willing to do these menial things and she finds a way to do them in a way that’s both graceful and awesome. That includes something as simple as clearing up a mold problem in the sewers and watering her plants. Storm doesn’t just accomplish these tasks with stunning efficiency. She does it with a grace and humility that makes her more worthy of worship than most every other god or goddess. How many other gods will take time out of their day to clean mold?

But the menial aspects of Storm’s duties at the Jean Grey Institute don’t last. They never do. After establishing that Storm is capable of handling her day-to-day duties with the divine beauty that we’ve come to expect, she faces a more typical X-men style problem. For once, this one doesn’t involve killer robots or corrupt mutant-hating diplomats. It involves some creepy, anime-porn inspired monster that shoots up from the sewer system that she just cleaned. I guess at a place like the Jean Grey Institute, this counts as a fairly typical Thursday afternoon.

Storm makes quick work of it. She’s not some cute anime school girl. She’s Ororo fucking Munroe. But in doing so, she also reveals that this creepy anime wannabe is actually a familiar face. It’s Kenji Uedo, also known as the most butt-ugly batshit character from the Generation Hope days. He’s been listed as dead for a while. But in a universe occupied by Jean Grey, he should know by now that’s no excuse. It turns out he’s back and the only way he could get the X-men’s attention was attacking them. That or his email was going too damn slow. He might still be using Yahoo.

Being the kind and understanding woman she is, Storm resists the urge to finish Kenji off again and rushes him to the infirmary. It’s there where she reveals in the most polite manner possible that he’s supposed to be dead. He died back on Utopia after he went ape shit and tried to kill everybody in ways that even tentacle porn doesn’t depict. As a result, he’s wearing a strait jacket. For what this asshole deserves, he should consider himself lucky.

This doesn’t stop Storm from being kind and comforting to Kenji. She gives him a chance to explain himself and he comes off as sincere. He’s weak, scared, and nothing at all like the Akira rip-off who fell in love with a brain in a jar (not a joke, by the way). It’s almost believable. He even has a reason for how he came back to life.

This asshole named Harmon, who Storm clashed with earlier in this series, used his exotic body to give his busted up physiology an upgrade. It’s pretty sick in a way that probably gives Sinister a boner. But it’s both believable and consistent with the recent events of the series. It’s not overly forced or contrived. It works. Compared to most resurrections that involve clones or shape-shifting aliens, it’s a huge plus. That doesn’t mean Storm is going to be his Oprah and hug him like a sick puppy. He’s still going to be on lockdown while a couple of telepaths monitor his mind. As kind and compassionate as Storm is, she understands it’s never wise to trust creepy teenage boys with a history of homicidal douche-baggery.

Other elements from previous issues in this series come into play as well. A few issues back, Storm met up with Callisto and a group of run-aways living in the sewers. It turns out they’re also having a nasty mold problem and they don’t have Storm’s powers to clear it up while looking sexy as hell in the process. So they either have to pick up a sponge or learn to live with it. There’s some nice quips about how shit was easier in the sewer when they had Morlock powers to rely on. It’s still the sewers though. Mutant powers can only go so far. Not having them also really sucks with scary shit starts attacking, as Callisto learns the hard way.

In addition to Callisto, another one of Storm’s friends from earlier in this series calls up and says shit is starting to stink. Forge, who actually had the privlidge of seeing Storm naked at one point, reveals that he also had a mold problem while working in Kenya. But windex and paper towels can’t clear this shit up because apparently, it’s not ordinary mold. It’s the kind that fuels a legion of Kenji Uedo style monsters.

It started with mold in the Jean Grey Institute, which Storm easily took care of. Now that shit has found its way to some of Storm’s other recent hangouts. It’s a nice bit of convergence for a series that has been remarkably concise in making Storm awesome in so many different ways. She’s had to battle her share of assholes along the way, but none quite like this. Any army of monsters that originated from an unstable teenage boy is bound to be disturbing than any killer robots.

When Storm hears about this, she quickly connects the dots. She knows Kenji Uedo has to be the source and she doesn’t need a Batcave, a Fortress of Solitude, or a Cerebro to figure that shit out. She understands that the best way to help her friends and allies is to go to the source. So she’s not just awesome and lovable. She’s also competent. That not as common as it should be. Look at Peter Parker’s long list of fuck-ups for proof of that.

She eventually does arrive at the source, but it’s a bit too late to unfuck the situation. More Akira-inspired monstrosities emerge and they’ve already got Rachel Grey and Beast. Kenji Uedo is still coming off as innocent. He’s trying to fight it off and doing a pretty shitty job. A metal chair might be marginally effective in a WWE match. It’s not nearly as effective is a big fucking tentacle monster. Still, I give the kid points for at least giving the impression he’s not the same asshole.

He loses those points pretty damn fast when he eventually gets sucked up into the monster and not like a cute school girl in a short skirt. As it absorbs him, he starts to talk like his old self again. That means he’s channeling his inner douche-bag again, sounding like a deranged artist who would make a statue of Paulie Shore out of dead baby seals if he could. Now it’s not clear if he’s still somewhat innocent in all this. That lack of clarity is somewhat confusing. The line between where Kenji Uedo ends and this oversized Akira rip-off begins is not easily defined. Maybe that’s on purpose, but it’s still overly obscure and lacks emotional impact.

Even so, Storm tries to be the kind and loving person she is at heart and reaches out to Kenji. She’s way more merciful and kind that Kenji deserves, but that only helps reinforce the traits that make her so awesome. This kid has already gone on multiple Godzilla-style rampages. He’s already carried himself with the kind of douche-baggery that would’ve made him a perfect cast member on the Jersey Shore. But she’s still willing to give him a chance. In an era where being caught with a tiny bag of weed means jail time for most people, that says a lot about Storm.

It also says a lot about Kenji when he basically spits in the face of Storm’s compassion. This is both a dick move and incredibly stupid. She’s a fucking weather goddess. She can use a tornado to do root canal on him if she wants. Even so, he’s got batshit insanity on his side so the battle feels more even than it is on paper. He wants to re-establish his douche-baggery in a story that re-established all the less obvious traits that make Storm awesome. In both instances, they succeed.

It would be easy at times to accuse Storm of being too competent and kind. Then again, that would be like saying a certain Playboy model is too beautiful. It’s not a valid complaint. But this issue does something besides give Storm a new challenge to overcome with the kind of grace and swag that she wields. It showed how she conducts herself as headmaster of the Jean Grey Institute. It also shows that for all the respect and authority she wields, she earns every fucking bit of it.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Kenji Uedo has done everything possible to be unworthy of such respect. He was the chief asshole prior to Avengers vs. X-men and since he was on a team with Hope fucking Summers, that’s saying something. He makes a concerted effort to be sympathetic in this issue. He even ties it into some of the recent conflicts Storm has been dealing with. But given his history and his personality, it’s just hard to give his words any credibility. So it was hard to be surprised to see him go full tentacle porn in the end.

It was still nice to see Storm give him a chance. Granted, he pissed that chance away like a bad cup of coffee, but it once again demonstrated the kind of character Storm is. It also nicely tied in a few other stories that had been explored in previous issues. This sense of cohesion and the many respectable moments Storm brought make this series special. It’s special because she’s a special character that Marvel will never be able to replace with some bullshit Inhuman rip-off. I give Storm #10 an 8 out of 10. Kenji Uedo is a dick an a total Akira rip-off. Ororo Munroe is a loving, compassionate goddess that combines the heart of an angel with the badassery of an army of Amazon warriors. Nuff said!

A Larger Legacy: Wolverines #1

The following is my review of Wolverines #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Certain people can never be replaced. There can be no Beatles without John Lennon. There can be no Nirvana without Kurt Cobain. There can be no Saved By The Bell without Screech. That doesn’t stop some from trying, but those attempts can never live up to the original. Like Steve Young trying to replace Joe Montana or Arron Rogers trying to replace Brett Favre, fans will always come up with new shortcomings. And if they can’t, they'll imagine a few because it’s often a coping mechanism.

The death of Wolverine is not quite the same as the death of Kurt Cobain or Brett Favre’s retirement, but he’s a character that casts the biggest shadow in all of X-men. There’s no denying his history and his legacy. No other character has had quite the impact. No other character can say they made Hugh Jackman a household name. And no other character can say they survived two terrible solo movies and still found a way to stay awesome. So how does a legacy like that continue?

In a ways, the X-men are already at an advantage. They have already shown that they can still function without Wolverine. Even Wolverine himself is at an advantage because he had so many supporting characters, ranging from friends like Jubilee to enemies who wanted to bathe in his blood like Lady Deathstrike. There is sufficient manpower to fill that void, but, his legacy still leaves a big void that has to be filled at some point. Wolverines #1 is the first concerted effort at this feat. It’s every bit as daunting as the challenges Steve Young and Aaron Rogers faced, but the results are promising in some unexpected ways.

Wolverine’s story did not end with his death. In fact, his death served as a catalyst for a larger story involving characters affected by Weapon X. Some of these characters are intimately familiar with Wolverine, in some cases literally. Others are brand new characters who constitute a devil’s reject type cast of Weapon X characters. And all these characters have to come together in this story. On paper, it sounds chaotic and messy. But when put into practice, it works with surprising efficiency.

The ability of these characters and this story to fill the void left by Wolverine doesn’t necessarily come from their history or the scope of the conflicts they face. It comes from the extent to which these characters display a unique level of depth. They’ve all been affected by Wolverine’s death. Some have been affected by other events, such as Avengers and X-men: AXIS. These collective effects are what brought them into this conflict. Now, they have to work together to resolve it.

And they’re not exactly doing this in the spirit of honoring Wolverine’s memory either. The new Weapon X characters that were introduced in wake of Wolverine’s death each have knowledge of special words that can kill Sabretooth, Lady Deathstrike, Daken, Mystique, and X-23 in a single breath. It’s the ultimate leverage that doesn’t involve being friends with Tony Soprano. It’s also fitting in that it’s the exact kind of conflict Wolverine often got caught up in time and again. It really does feel like they’re trying to fill his shoes, albeit under the threat of sudden death.

The conflict itself is also fitting in that it brings all these characters back to where Wolverine’s life ended. It feels like a direct continuation of the story that led to his death, not missing a beat even as a whole host of new and unknown characters enter the picture. It feels like these characters are just one bad joke away from maiming each other, but for the moment they’re a team with a common goal. They even have a common enemy in Sinister, who has also hired the Wrecking Crew to help provide the standard Wolverine-level violence. It essentially forces them to stop being so vindictive and bitter so they can function. It has the feel of an overly violent reality show that isn’t staged and doesn’t cause significant brain damage.

Even though violence is as part of any conflict involving Wolverine, this is secondary for much of the story. There’s much more effort put into establishing who these characters are and how they carry themselves in a world where Wolverine is dead. It sounds like one of those fruitless endeavors, like trying to make Adam Sandler’s last three movies watchable. But somehow, it works. Characters like Lady Deathstrike and Daken are in an unfamiliar position, living in a world where they’re not defined by their hatred of Wolverine. It helps give them some new dynamics as characters. These dynamics aren’t fully explored, but the door has been opened.

That’s not to say there still isn’t room for the gratuitous violence that accompanies many Wolverine stories. Blood is still shed. Limbs are still ripped off. Eyes are still gouged out. And this is just some of the stuff Mr. Sinister does without breaking a sweat. It’s the kind of violence that would be inappropriate in an Archie comic, but it works perfectly in a Wolverine comic. Even though he’s dead, this still feels like a real Wolverine comic. He may be dead, or at least as dead as the nature of comics will allow him, but his story is still unfolding.

This is the biggest accomplishment of Wolverines #1. It continues Wolverine’s story and his legacy in a way that’s compelling and meaningful. It does get a little crowded with so many characters and the pacing does feel somewhat choppy since it builds on stories that came from other comics. But it’s a story that has the right setting, the right cast of characters, the right circumstances, and the right amount of violence. If it were a cup of coffee, Starbucks would grossly overcharge for and it would still be worth it. In many ways, that is the best way to honor Wolverine’s memory.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverines #1

Having a great legacy is like having a big penis. Many men seek it, few achieve it, and those that do cast a large shadow. Those that attempt to honor that legacy within that massive phallic shadow have a lot to live up to. I believe Steve Young was constantly measuring his dick every day after he took over for Joe Montana on the 49ers. He may still do it to this day, if only to assure himself that he can wear briefs without shame. Anybody attempting to carry on Wolverine’s legacy will have plenty of measuring to do. But in wake of his death, that’s exactly what a group of friends and enemies (mostly enemies) must do. And if I were them, I’d be stuffing my pants with rolls of quarters already.

Wolverine is dead, at least for now. But his legacy left a lot of unresolved conflicts. Now it’s up to Mystique, X-23, Daken, Lady Deathstrike, and an inverted Sabretooth to finish the job. Not all of them liked Wolverine. Some of them slept with him. Some of them dedicated a good chunk of their lives to killing him. But for reasons that can only be attributed to confusion and boredom, they’ve taken it upon themselves to carry on. Wolverines #1 is the beginning of that journey and like Steve Young, they need to earn the right to have their legacy be part of his. And it can’t just be accomplished with loose underwear and lots of whiskey either.

That’s not to say that a team of pro-bowlers can’t help. They’ve already got a mission and they’ve drafted a few newcomers to the team as well in Shogun, Neuro, Endo, Skel, and Junk. These are all basically Weapon X cast-offs, the late round draft picks that nobody wants. They want help from Wolverine’s frenemies to get the fuck out of the Weapon X business once and for all and they’re not afraid to use these special “control words” that kill them instantly. It’s like a team-up/hostage situation. Basically, it’s like every team-up that ever involved Deadpool.

This new team continues a story that has been unfolding in the aftermath of the Death of Wolverine for a while now. So it’s only fitting in a sense that this new struggle begins where Wolverine’s life ended. These two teams that could kill each other at any moment end up at the same base in Nevada where Wolverine met his end. It’s a shitty place to be right now. It’s like John Lennon’s tomb for Beatles fans. But this is where they’re going to find what they’re looking for.

What they’re looking for isn’t clear at first, but there’s a distinct mood amongst the team. None of them come off as heroes and none of them trust each other. They treat each other the same way co-stars treat Shia Lebouf. They work together and tolerate each other, but they make clear that they’re willing to murder each other the moment they have a reason. This same mood also highlights some recent changes in certain characters, most notably Sabretooth, who is still inverted from the events of AXIS. Few still buy him being a hero, but being inverted might actually help this situation because aside from X-23, there aren’t many other heroes. We don’t need a team of assholes carrying on Wolverine’s legacy. Anyone who wants to root for a team of assholes can just stick to rooting for the Dallas Cowboys.

Despite all the tension and bad blood between these characters, they still come off as a coherent team with a common goal. And remarkably, they don’t immediately give each other reasons to kill each other. In fact, they end up getting a very good reason to work together because before entering the base, they see the Wrecking Crew showing up. It’s not exactly Dr. Doom and an army of Doombots, but it is a complication that is best resolved with claws. Given their connections to Wolverine, it’s a good way to honor his memory.

The teams enter the ruins of the base before the Wrecking Crew can arrive, if only to give them time to sharpen their claws. This also gives them time to have a few interesting chats along the way. It may sound out of place, but it actually helps provide additional depth to who these characters are, something that many Wolverine comics overlook with a typical, “Let’s not and say we did,” approach. And with some of these characters being so new and/or inverted, it’s important to establish their personalities.

That’s not to say these characters get the depth of a Stanley Kubrick movie, but the interactions help establish a sense of dynamics, even among those such as Sabretooth and Lady Deathstrike. It even gives the new guys a chance to bust the balls of the experienced Wolverine-haters. Sabretooth may be inverted, but Lady Deathstrike has no such excuse. Now that Wolverine’s dead, she has to find a new reason for existing that doesn’t involve looking hot in a kimono. It’s something to think about, but none of them get much time because the Wrecking Crew does eventually catch up with them. It’s still a Wolverine comic. At some point, someone has to start breaking shit.

The Wrecking Crew are basically playing the part of killer robots/Nazis. But their presence is still secondary compared to what’s going on with the characters. Those such as X-23 and Daken are already established. We know their personalities. One is a messed up clone/teenage girl who has a thing for time-displaced X-men. The other is Wolverine’s even more fucked up son who will fuck anything with a pulse. But they both carry themselves in a serious, genuine way that we didn’t see with their first encounter. Granted, they’re not trying to kill each other this time, but it still feels like progress.

That progress turns to results when they finally find what they’re looking for. Fittingly enough, it’s the adamantium casing that is Wolverine’s unofficial tomb. He’s still in the exact same state he was during his death. Now his enemies and friends and a few assholes that he would’ve beat up in between drinking binges are after it. Something about that just feels so right. It couldn’t have been more fitting without someone bringing a case of beer.

So now it’s clear what everyone is after. Wolverine’s dead adamantium-covered body is still very valuable, if only as a centerpiece for a shrine where pretty redheads get in free. It’s not clear how this is the key to helping these new Weapon X rejects. They all clearly have enough problems. One of them, Endo, actually tries to get advice from Mystique about holding herself together. And if someone is looking to Mystique for advice, then that’s a bad sign. That’s like going to MC Hammer for investment advice. It’s another instance of these characters who are one bad joke away from murdering each other getting a little personality. It’s a nice touch, but the arrival of the Wrecking Crew fucks that up. However, they do so in the most appropriate way possible.

There’s a time and a place for good character development. But there’s also a time and a place for mindless violence. Since this comic isn’t a Michael Bay movie, the mindless violence is fitting because it doesn’t feel like it dominates the story. The Wrecking Crew are just the guys with matches lighting the firecrackers. It helps get Wolverine’s frienemies and the Weapon X rejects into a more uncomfortable situation. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. No awesome story ever came from comfortable circumstances. This isn’t a reality show featuring douche-bag rich kids complaining about a dig in their BMW. This is a fucking Wolverine comic and the action helps give it that feel. Someone at Fox better be taking notes from this shit.

But the Wrecking Crew on their own cannot provide the kind of visceral action that will soak the panties of mourning Wolverine fans. That’s fair because they always have been a semi-pro team and/or the Cleveland Browns of bad guys. So who could provide a sufficient “We’re fucked” moment? How about Mr. Sinister? Saying that name, which has a history of fucking up a great many characters not named Wolverine, should get some excited. But seeing him show up just as X-23 and Daken find Wolverine’s body should require a fresh pair of panties.

It turns out Sinister was the one that hired the Wrecking Crew. He likes to work smart and not hard. That means getting asshole henchmen like the Wrecking Crew to do some of the dirty work so that he can claim his prize and carry himself in ways that would make a pimp cry tears of joy. He’s at the top of a very short list of characters who can use Wolverine’s body for more than just a pretty conversation piece in a Japanese massage parlor. That makes his arrival the perfect, “Fuck yeah!” moment in this comic.

It’s still not enough for Sinister to just show up and laugh his ass off while his enemies and fans collectively shit themselves. He has to go the extra mile because he’s fucking Sinister, both in name and in action. So rather than start small by desecrating Wolverine’s body with non-alcoholic beer or balls of Cyclops’ pubic hair, he rips Daken’s arm off and rips an eye out. Let me say that again just so it’s understood. Sinister ripped off Daken’s arm and tore out one of his eyes. And he did it with a smile that would make Freddy Kruger himself tremble. It’s as awesome and brutal as it sounds. Now why would he need to do this? Does he really need a reason? He’s fucking Sinister. Like Chuck Norris, his badass name is the only reason he needs.

X-23 does her best to wipe that grin off Sinister’s face, but she might as well be giving an ethics lesson to Gordon Gecko. He ends up tossing her aside like a used condom at a brothel and leaves with both Wolverine’s body and Daken’s dismembered body parts. It’s brutal, but he still finds a way to do it like a motherfucking boss. He leaves behind a very bloody and very uncomfortable Daken. It’s at this point X-23 reveals Daken doesn’t have his healing factor so this isn’t exactly something he can walk off. Even so, I’ll still bet this sort of thing gives Daken a boner somehow.

This issue hit the ground running, throwing all these Wolverine-esque characters into the fire in the same way I throw hot sauce on a plate of chicken wings. It should’ve become a mindless slaughter, as many of Wolverine’s battles often do. But that didn’t happen here. There was actually a concerted effort at giving each character depth and mixing some personal moments into the expected slaughter. Sure, it got gratuitous once guys started losing eyes and limbs. That may be inappropriate in a My Little Pony comic, but it works perfectly in a Wolverine-inspired story.

This issue felt like a genuine, sincere continuation of Wolverine’s legacy. He may be dead (or as dead as anyone can be in comics these days), but his story is still continuing. And it’s continuing in a compelling way. He’s got friends and enemies looking to continue his battles and it’s actually presented in a way that feels exciting, intriguing, and fun. How can it not be when it involves Daken getting a limb ripped off? The pacing is a little erratic, but not to the point where it has to be read sober. That’s why I give Wolverines #1 gets an 8 out of 10. I still miss Wolverine. But if his death means there are still those prepared to carry out his legacy of brutality and depravity, then I think it’s safe to say Wolverine can rest in peace…or at least for as long as Marvel allows him to rest.

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine and the X-men #12

Some people have multiple personalities that change as often as Lady Gaga’s dress sense. One day they’re loving and caring. The next they’re angry and hostile to the point of wanting to snap the neck of puppies. These people are usually not the kind of people who should be in positions of power where their authority is wielded on the whim of whatever meds they are or aren’t taking. That’s part of what makes someone like Storm such a perfect headmaster for the Jean Grey Institute. More than any other X-man, she has been the emotional and spiritual rock for generations of mutants. Her loving, compassionate grace is more consistent than Peyton Manning on game day.

But what happens when that rock of stability turns into a badly hung over Wolverine? That’s exactly what the inversion has done to Storm in the events of Avengers and X-men: AXIS. Thanks to yet another case of the Scarlet Witch’s bullshit, she and some of the other X-men have gone evil. Now she’s about as compassionate as a hungry grizzly that shits typhoons. And she is still the head of the Jean Grey Institute. May Odin and every other god in the Marvel universe have mercy on the poor souls of the students.

Almost as jarring as Storm going evil is Kid Omega suddenly not being the insufferable douche-bag he’s been for the last decade. He certainly went out of his way to exercise his douche-baggery in the events leading up to Wolverine’s death. He took over the Phoenix Corporation, quit the Jean Grey Institute, and generally shrugged off Wolverine’s death the same way Chuck Norris shrugs off a hangover. Now he’s partying it up at the Hellfire Club. It’s basically like an orgy at the Playboy mansion and cocaine bender with Charlie Sheen. An douche-bag teen should be in heaven, but that’s not how Kid Omega feels anymore.

He’s at this party, surrounded by the kind of rich assholes he would love to mind-fuck just to give himself a boner. Yet he doesn’t feel inclined to do any of that shit. His inner monologue details the extent of his inversion, something that has been explored in other tie-ins. It’s been explored better because all it really shows here is that Kid Omega is no longer exercising his douce-bag tendencies, but it’s still nice to see the nuts and bolts of the inversion.

What isn’t nearly as nice is seeing the Hellfire Brats again. Yes, the pre-pubescent asshats who turned the entire concept of the Hellfire Club into an exercise in absurdity/pedophilia are still alive and I’m still pissed off about it. And no, they haven’t changed at all. They’re still the same insufferable assholes. But they do at least remind Kid Omega that he tends to cause a lot more property damage at these parties. Hell, he did just that a few issues ago on his own birthday. But now he might as well be the bathroom attendant cleaning vomit off the floor from guys who can’t handle their blow. It does help reinforce the extent of Kid Omega’s inversion, but it doesn’t make seeing the Hellfire Brats again any less infuriating.

At this point, no more reinforcement is needed to show that Kid Omega is not his usual asshole self. But we get it anyways, even though most of us are starting to get sick of it and looking for more potent weed. After rubbing elbows with the Hellfire Brats, Kid Omega meets up with some old friends from the Jean Grey Institute, including Idie and Broo. For some reason, they actually accepted his invitation to a party at the Hellfire Club. That would be like Reed Richards agreeing to go to a strip club with Dr. Doom. It should raise more than a few red flags, but that’s besides the point.

Their reactions to Kid Omega’s invitation and attitude are funny. I’d be shocked too if I met my old algebra teacher and found out he became peaceful, non-violent hippie who didn’t hide a bottle of whiskey under his desk in between classes. It just falls too flat. Kid Omega attempts to paint it as something Wolverine would’ve wanted. But given how he’s gone out of his way to piss all over Wolverine’s grave in recent issues, it really has no impact. It’s not terrible. It’s not egregious, given the inverted circumstances. It’s just not all that interesting without the aid of LSD.

But guess what is more interesting? How about Storm doing whatever the fuck she wants to do, even if it means swapping spit with some guy she doesn’t know who happens to be at the party with another woman? That’s the sort of shit we would expect from Emma Frost or Mystique, but not Storm. Even if her lover did just die, this is now how she usually copes. Hell, if I recall, she was still at the stage where she was sleeping with Wolverine’s jacket and his empty bottles of whiskey. Now she’s already at that stage where she’s getting over a tragedy by getting under whoever moistens her panties. I’m shocked and incredibly turned on.

She doesn’t just kiss the guy either. She actually kisses the woman too. So yes, Storm has now basically become her own porno fantasy and my penis couldn’t be happier. There doesn’t need to be any monolog for this shit. Her actions are more than enough to reveal the extent of her inversion. This is not the same loving, compassionate Storm that so many people love and respect. This is a Storm who operates by the, “I’ll do and fuck whatever and whoever I want in that order.” It’s shocking, but sexy as fuck.

This surprises Kid Omega and probably gives him a hell of a boner. He doesn’t really do much. To be fair, he’s not in a position to do much either. This is Storm. This is one woman even Kid Omega doesn’t fuck with outside his darkest masturbatory fantasies. She makes it clear that she’s here to do whatever the fuck she wants to do and if he doesn’t like it, he can go suck a tornado’s dick. And when a couple of bouncers show up to try and kick her out, she kindly turns them away by kicking their asses.

Again, no monologue is needed for this shit. Storm’s actions do plenty to send the right message. This is an inverted Storm. She doesn’t give a flying fuck anymore. And anyone who dares fuck with her buzz can expect a concussion and a full-blown monsoon up their ass. It’s jarring, especially after all the grace and elegance she demonstrated in recent issues. And maybe this reveals some of the flaws within AXIS itself because it flips these characters so severely that it really doesn’t feel genuine anymore. This Storm might as well be an evil clone. But seeing as how there are enough Madelyne Pryors in the Marvel universe, I’m not going to say the concept is completely without merit.

Kid Omega is pretty shell shocked, but even in his inverted form, nobody really gives a shit about his opinion. It’s when the other students from the Jean Grey Institute that shit really gets serious. They calmly ask Storm if she’s okay. She responds by hitting them with a fucking hurricane. Now even for an inverted Storm, that’s pretty extreme. That’s like fighting an ant hill with napalm. There’s no discussion or debate either. She just tells them to fuck off and then helps herself to money in one of the cash registers. It’s another instance where the inversion becomes so extreme that it fails to have the same impact. We get it. She’s not herself. But there’s a fine line between being inverted and an evil clone. This story is basically dry-humping that line. It still gives me a boner, but only to an extent.

Finally, Kid Omega decided to do something. Unfortunately, doing something for him usually means doing something that ends up pissing everybody off. Even in his inverted form, Kid Omega finds a way. He uses a little telekinetic gun-slinging, along with some traditional mind-fuck to calm Storm the fuck down before she goes Hurricane Katrina on all of them. It works, but only to the extent that it pisses off the Hellfire Club’s insurance company. It doesn’t snap Storm out of her inversion. In fact, she decides to thank him for stopping her by punching him in the jaw. And even if it’s misguided in these circumstances, nobody would argue that Kid Omega hasn’t done plenty to earn 100 punches just like it.

It’s this moment that’s really the most telling. By having Storm and Kid Omega clash, it establishes a clear dichotomy with this inversion. Basically, an inverted Storm is way more powerful than an inverted Kid Omega. An inverted Storm is also way sexier and way easier to jerk off to. Anybody who denies that is lying through their teeth. And it’s this moment where Storm stands over an emasculated Kid Omega where we see just how strong these inversions truly are. It should make everybody a lot less inclined to piss Storm off, regardless of whether she’s inverted.

After Storm successfully shrinks Kid Omega’s balls the size of a peanut, she ditches him. This leaves Kid Omega behind with a very irritated group of Hellfire Brats. They told him to not fuck up another one of their parties. And even though this wasn’t his fault, he’s the one that gets the blame. It’s not fair, but nobody is going to feel too sorry for this kid. Let’s face it. Even if this party had gone as well as any traditional Hellfire orgy, he would have found a way to fuck up another one. As far as I’m concerned, Storm just saved them all and the insurance company a lot of frustration.

Even if nobody feels sorry for Kid Omega, it does put him in a position to better-understand what’s going on. He seems to know that something is very fucked up with him and Storm, but he still hasn’t connected the dots. And he’s supposed to be an omega level telepath, even though that label has become about as meaningless as an honorary degree from Arizona State. But even without the knowledge of Dr. Doom and the Scarlet Witch’s spell, he has a better idea of what’s going on here. He basically know knows what we all knew several issues ago. He’s way behind the curve and he’s really not in a position to do much else about it. So in that sense, not much gets accomplished other than ruining another perfectly good orgy.

I look at this story the same way I look at a dog that accidentally ate a bag of weed. It’s a spectacle, but not in the same sense that clown car crashing into a bakery is a spectacle. The strength of this story is its ability to make the concept of an evil Storm and a non-douchey Kid Omega entertaining. It works, but only in the sense that a firecracker works. It has its moments. It’s fun from a very shallow standpoint. It’s just not much more than that.

There’s no real impact on the ongoing events of AXIS. There’s nothing profound revealed about Storm, Kid Omega, the Hellfire Club, or the recent death of Wolverine. It’s just highlighting the fucked up nature of an evil Storm and a non-douchy Kid Omega. In this, Wolverine and the X-men #12 succeeds. It doesn’t make that concept feel fucked up to the point that no amount of bong hits can make it entertaining. It’s not going to leave anybody’s jaw on the floor either. Those who fantasize about Storm being a dominatrix might have something to work with here, but I imagine those fantasies have no place outside seedy European clubs. I give this comic a 6 out of 10. It’s good. It neither induces vomiting nor inspires multiple nerdgasms. For those who don’t have access to a clown car or know a good bakery, this comic will do the job. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine and the X-men #11

Mourning the loss of a loved one is like the antithesis of masturbation in that there’s no wrong way to do it and nobody really enjoys it. I imagine it doesn’t suck quite as much in the Marvel universe because death is such a revolving door that for some characters, their loved ones might as well treat it as one of Brett Favre’s temporary retirements. Some may argue this limits the emotional impact of death. I think it’s refreshing because death sucks enough in real life. We don’t need it to suck as much in comics. That doesn’t mean it still won’t suck for Wolverine’s loved ones. His death has just started to reverberate throughout the X-men comics like letter from the IRS at Willie Nelson’s house.

Wolverine and the X-men #11 continues to follow Melita Gardner, one of Wolverine’s ex-girlfriends that didn’t wind up dead somehow, as she compiles stories and pictures for a book she’s writing to celebrate Wolverine’s life and the fact she got to bone him without dying. She’s already interacted with the students and staff of the school he helped found and they’ve recounted some fun stories, many of which ignore certain unflattering details like Wolverine’s whiskey stash, his temper, and his tendency for hitting on married women out of respect. Hopefully that means they don’t forget those shortcomings when he eventually returns, most likely in time for his next shitty solo movie at Fox. And hopefully, Melita doesn’t let that stop her from doing her job. That would make her more dedicated than half the people at CNN.

Much of Melita’s story and the work she’s been doing on this book has been built on flashbacks. Lots and lots of flashbacks. While flashbacks are usually a good way to make a comic difficult to read while stoned, the nature of the story here makes it work. Melita has triggered many in interviewing the folks at the Jean Grey Institute. But there’s still room for her own flashbacks. It’s hard to believe, but she did actually date Wolverine for a while and she actually survived. I know I said that already, but I think it’s worth repeating. Melita dated Wolverine, survived, and didn’t swear revenge on him. That makes her one of the most mature relationships he’s had in recent years. It also makes a flashback of her and Wolverine when they were together feel fitting. It even shows that in terms of ex-girlfriends, she’s a freakin’ unicorn in terms of ending things on good terms.

In the present, Melita is still seeking out stories about Wolverine from those who knew him best. She spent all of last issue exploring the Jean Grey institute. Now she seeks out others he worked with. In the same way Wolverine gets around every bar and Japanese whore house, he’s also had quite a few crossovers. Spider-Man is by far one of the characters he’s worked with the most and Melita makes it a point to get in touch with him (through Peter Parker, of course). While Wolverine’s reputation among the X-men is solid, his reputation with Spider-Man is slightly more complicated and not just because they’re both so fond of sexy redheads.

But the meeting doesn’t just lead to another flashback. It actually gets even more emotional than Melita’s flashback. It’s easy to forget in this era when we know celebrities die every time they start trending on Twitter that word doesn’t always travel as fast. The news of Wolverine’s death hasn’t exactly leaked out. It’s not like a reporter found him lying dead in a tub of whiskey. So that means those not in the X-men, like Spider-Man, wouldn’t know about his death. And when Melita reveals it, this makes for another emotional moment that hits all the right chords.

But it doesn’t get too depressing. This is where can do more than just confuse the hell out of stoners and drunks. Spider-Man recounts to Melita one of his many crossovers with Wolverine, but he singled out a battle against an army of Doombots as the story most worth telling. I can’t say I blame him. Any memory that involves busting up Doombots with Wolverine is a memory worth cherishing. But it’s a memory that does more than just mix in some action. It actually involves a meaningful conversation between Spider-Man and Wolverine about the merits of him starting the Jean Grey Institute and what kind of example a hard-drinking, temperamental Canadian would set. It’s not just fitting. It’s downright relevant and shows that even when he’s in the middle of fighting armies of Doombots, Wolverine can inspire more than just violence and redhead fetishes.

It’s a good flashback during an emotional moment. That’s exactly why it’s somewhat jarring when it skips right ahead to Melita and Spider-Man confronting Kid Omega. I won’t say that’s completely random. Kid Omega is someone who was heavily influenced by Wolverine and not always in a good way. In fact, they both influenced one another in way too many bad ways, but it was part of what made them both better as characters so I’m not going to get too picky about the details. I’m too drunk for that.

Regardless of what those details might be, Kid Omega is still an omega-level prick. While others are reacting to the death of Wolverine, Kid Omega threw a big ass party. And even after everybody passed out, he decided to deal with it by sitting on his ass and watching movies. Laziness is a good reaction to many things. The death of a friend isn’t one of them.

Needless to say, Meltia and Spider-Man don’t take kindly to him. At the same time, Kid Omega does offer a very different take on Wolverine. Whereas others share fond memories and relevant flashbacks, Kid Omega offers none of that shit. He basically spits on Wolverine’s fresh corpse, saying he was just a killer at heart who pretended to be a school headmaster. And that school he ran might as well have been a training ground for kids destined to scare the shit out of ordinary people. It leads to Melita and Spider-Man each taking turns shutting him up, but that doesn’t make what he says less relevant.

Kid Omega is a dick so what he says about Wolverine shouldn’t be taken with the same credibility as Bill Maher’s last drug test. But what he says is somewhat valid. Wolverine was, at his core, a killer. He always reverted to his killer instincts in some form or another. Even when he tried being a peaceful headmaster, he still went out on missions that involved him stabbing people. It is a disconnect, but Spider-Man rightly points out how full of shit Kid Omega is in using it as the sole basis for judging Wolverine. Part of what made Wolverine such a hero was that he fought so others wouldn’t have to. That makes him awesome in ways that most asshole teenagers can never understand.

So meeting with Kid Omega didn’t lead to a flashback or give Melita a balanced perspective for her book, but it did offer some insight. She and Spider-Man leave in what I imagine to be a pretty pissed off state of mind. They end up parting ways, agreeing that Kid Omega is full of shit and deserves more than a few spankings. But that only makes getting a better perspective more important.

And who better to give that perspective than Storm? It’s a moment that has been building since the previous issue, two of Wolverine’s ex-lovers meeting and recounting the life of a man they one loved. This isn’t like Jerry Springer when two angry ex-girlfriends to at one another in a way college students can cheer for and/or jerk off to. These two women both loved Wolverine dearly and Storm happened to be the one Wolverine was actively dating when he died. It sounds crazier than anything Kid Omega could say, but it is possible for two women who dated the same man to bond and Storm gives her the best possible perspective Wolverine could hope for that doesn’t involve a bartender.

It leads to another flashback. This one is a lot less complicated than the one Spider-Man recounted. It’s as basic a recollection as anyone can have with Wolverine. Storm goes on a trip to Japan with Wolverine, they get attacked by ninjas, and they kick the asses of said ninjas. It’s practically a dinner date for Wolverine and the women he loves. Hell, it might even count as foreplay. It doesn’t come off as overly romantic, but it shows that Wolverine and Storm could kick a lot of ass together. They could battle an army of ninjas, still catch a movie, and then make sweet love on top of Mount Fuji. It’s as romantic and as awesome as it sounds. It is also by far the most meaningful flashback in this whole arc.

Beyond the flashback, Storm makes a very powerful point that effectively tells Melita all she needs to know about Wolverine. This is a man who will fight, stab, and swear his way through any battle. But he’s also willing to trust others to be just as awesome. He trusted Storm to hold her own against an army of ninjas, just as he trusted her give horny every time they were behind closed doors. It’s a special kind of trust that most killers and stab-happy drunks don’t give, but he gave it to those he cared about. It’s a powerful message and one that could only be delivered by Storm. It gives Melita just the right perspective she needs to make her book work. As the woman whose love for Wolverine was probably the most genuine, it makes for such a satisfying moment.

Leave it Kid Omega to cheapen that moment. Melita and Spider-Man must have made a couple of brain cells semi-functional because Kid Omega finally decided to deal with Wolverine’s death in a somewhat less-douchy way. For him, that means traveling to the Savage Land and leaving a monument for him. Sure, it’s a shitty monument. A rocking chair is hardly a monument to Wolverine. If he really gave a damn, he would leave a giant case of whiskey. But still, it’s better than nothing and probably the most Wolverine could’ve expected from Kid Omega.

The main theme of this story isn’t built around funerals, vengeance, or killer robots. For once, the death of a major character is explored in a way that feels genuine. The X-men aren’t setting out on some mission to turn Sabretooth into a rug. They’re just recounting how he affected their lives and Melita Gardner provides a perfect perspective for that mission. Some of the stories she explores are cheesy, but they all hit the right emotional chords. Even Kid Omega’s brief sliver of emotion felt genuine. That alone gives this story the depth it needs to be awesome. It’s still lacking in some areas and the constant flashbacks are somewhat jarring. But it feels like a much healthier way to deal with the death of a character. That’s why I give Wolverine and the X-men #11 an 8 out of 10. In a comic book world where every great loss seems to require more therapy than anyone could reasonably provide, this is probably as healthy and competent a recourse as we’ll get. And it didn’t even require Oprah or Dr. Phil. Nuff said!

A Fitting (But Incomplete) End: Death of Wolverine #4

The following is my review of Death of Wolverine #4, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

How does one go about killing an iconic character? It used to be such a difficult, almost profane question to ask. But over the past decade or so, Marvel and DC have made that question about as difficult as asking who they should cut from their fantasy football team. The death of iconic characters used to be a rare event that needed to be handled with the utmost care. The Death of Superman in the early 90s established the blueprint for such an event and its success, for better or for worse, established the precedent that so many would follow.

But since the Death of Superman, a lot has changed. Bill Clinton's affairs with interns is no longer news. Brett Favre finally retired from the NFL. Mel Gibson no longer has the clean image he once enjoyed. And in that time, Marvel and DC have killed, resurrected, and replaced so many characters that it's really not much of an event anymore. People look at the death of a major character the same way they look at jury duty. They just roll their eyes, suck it up, and wait for it to play out. But that doesn't mean it can't be a compelling story. Death of Wolverine #4 attempts to trigger those same emotions that events like Death of Superman once triggered among fans. It succeeds only in part, but it still manages to feel fitting.

There's nothing terribly epic about the setting. Wolverine doesn't go up against all his greatest enemies again and he doesn't face some overwhelming new enemy. Instead, he goes up against Dr. Abraham Cornelius. On paper, this doesn't sound like the kind of enemy that should be the one who successfully kills Wolverine. But from a conceptual standpoint, he is perfect for that role.

In many ways, Abraham Cornelius is the man most responsible for turning James Howlett into Wolverine. He is Dr. Frankenstein and Wolverine is his monster, minus the neck bolts. He's the man who is behind the greatest turning point in Wolverine's exceedingly long, horrendously complicated life. So him being the final enemy Wolverine faces works on so many levels. It's not quite full-circle. Wolverine's life can never be a perfect shape, but the concept still fits.

Where the concept breaks down is the actual details of the struggle. There's nothing terribly epic about it. If it were a big battle scene, it would barely qualify as a dramatization in a World War II documentary on the History Channel. Dr. Cornelius doesn't really throw much at Wolverine. The biggest threat Wolverine faces is some generic, Weapon X knock-off that's more forgettable than the last three Adam Sandler movies. It's a threat that's not really intended to take him down. And this is where the greatest weakness of the story is exposed.

When broken down into its basic elements, there's one uncomfortable detail. Wolverine didn't really have to die. The conflict he faces here is basically a dime a dozen for him. He finds an old relic of his past, seeks to destroy it, and succeeds. His lack of a healing factor isn't really relevant here. What he does to stop Dr. Cornelius wasn't the only way. It wasn't like he needed to sacrifice himself like Jean Grey, Superman, or Charles Xavier had to in their big deaths. What he did felt forced. He wasn't terminally ill. He wasn't critically wounded. He just opted for the one tactic that would kill him. It's like having a self-destruct button on a car and using it on a simple flat tire.

Even if what Wolverine did felt forced, the purpose behind his actions do carry some weight. This goes back to Dr. Cornelius being the driving force behind this conflict and everything that made Wolverine who he is. Wolverine did what he had to do to prevent Dr. Cornelius from making more living weapons like him. As inefficient as it was, he still succeeds in keeping the test subjects involved from suffering like he did. It's noble, it's heroic, and it's honorable. And he did it without hitting on married women or smoking a cigar. It is as fine a moment as Wolverine can have.

In the end Wolverine saves the lives of would-be victims when he had a chance to save his own. That has been one of the most common themes for Wolverine in his long, convoluted history. He seeks to stop those who would try to create monsters like him. And he had to succeed here because Dr. Cornelius said outright that he would never stop trying to recreate Wolverine. He believes that this is his only way of changing the world for the better. It's exactly as crazy and senile as it sounds. It still works, but it also feels forced.

As fitting as Wolverine's final battle might have been, it still comes off as emotionally flat. And it's not just because his death felt forced or unnecessary. There's a moment where Dr. Cornelius, with his dying breath, asks Wolverine what he accomplished. It sounds like a loaded question since Wolverine is older than a number of countries in the world, but it's meant to make him recall how far he's come from test subject to X-man. There are a lot of moments in that legacy and not nearly enough of them got touched on. There is an effort, but it feels incomplete. It's like only the first 10 pages in a 500 page photo album.

While the details might be lacking, there are enough of them to get the point across. If the goal of this issue was to have Wolverine die with a sense that he accomplished enough to die honorably, it succeeded. But if the goal was to do so in a way that felt epic and worthy of his character, then it came up short. Death of Wolverine #4 doesn't have enough details to feel like the truly definitive end for Wolverine. It's impossible to make a life like Wolverine feel truly complete. His character and his history is so big and so profound that it just cannot be done. But in an era where characters like Bucky Barnes can come back to life, maybe that's the point. It doesn't have to be big or detailed. Like a good Apple product, it just has to work.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Death of Wolverine #4

Well, it's finally here people. Once again, a major comic book company is killing off one of its major characters in a highly publicized event intended to boost sales and generate interest and/or troll Fox, depending on how accurate certain rumors are. We all knew it was coming. Marvel announced that Wolverine would die months ago. Since then, I've made my position pretty clear. One, he's not going to stay dead. If Marvel can bring back Bucky freakin' Barnes, they can bring back Wolverine. Two, these death gimmicks are shameless and shallow, but they work and we have nobody to blame but ourselves. And three, we'll keep seeing more death gimmicks like this so long as we keep forking over our hard earned money to buy into them.

It's because of these three points that I really can't get too worked up about Wolverine's upcoming death. It's not being set up like the deaths of Jean Grey, Johnny Storm, or Charles Xavier. We know it's coming. We know what to expect. It's only a matter of how well it's done. I'm not going to assume anybody is going to be satisfied with it. This is Wolverine, the guy who made Hugh Jackman the actor no less than 40 percent of the female population wants to bone. Killing him is not going to be satisfying for a lot of people, no matter how awesome the story. But it is what it is and I'm just the drunk who tries to determine whether it's a decent story. So as I review Death of Wolverine #4, I'm going to do my best to keep all this in mind. Fair warning though. I tend to treat death in comics the same way I treat pimples on my ass. They're unsightly and ugly, but unavoidable. It's just a matter of how we deal with them.

In that sense Wolverine deals with Dr. Cornelius in the most appropriate way possible. By that, I mean he ditches any an all sense of stealth and cunning. He just barges through the front door like the DEA at Tommy Chong's house, kills anyone dumb enough to get in his way, and fights as though he still has his healing factor. I know it's the same brutality we've seen from Wolverine since the Carter Administration, but this being his last battle, it feels right and satisfying even if it isn't spectacular. This is Wolverine at his most pure, taking on the ghosts of his past in the bloodiest, messiest way possible. Damn I'm going to miss this.

When he arrives, he finds Dr. Conrelius in the middle of doing what he does best. For some reason, somebody thought this guy who created the utter uncontrollable killing machine that is Wolverine deserved another shot. So now he's working on yet another breed of of Weapon X. And he's doing this in addition to putting a bounty on Wolverine's head. So not only does this guy have a death wish, he wants to carry it out in the messiest, most expensive way possible. That might make sense with Donald Trump or the Koch brothers, but this is just needlessly dumb.

That said, it is still fitting in a few ways. Wolverine still represents the first and probably the most successful living weapon that Weapon X ever created. Every knock-off or derivative not named X-23 has been pretty shitty by comparison. It's like Apple making only one perfect iPhone and having it be a huge success. Should they just shrug their shoulders and stop trying to make another? Fuck no. That's not just bad for business. That would be too damn humble for too many people.

It sets up what could have been a powerful moment where Wolverine confronts the man who made him Wolverine. And while there is some heated emotion here, it feels incomplete for lack of a better word. Dr. Cornelius does put some perspective into what he's doing and it's not the typical, "I do it because I'm bored and someone was dumb enough to give me a lot of money," excuse. He sees what he's doing as correcting his greatest failure. He really doesn't want to go down in history as the guy who created something as awesome as Wolverine and failed miserably to control him. He wants to at least get one knock-off right before he dies. It's not exactly a Bill Pullmen in Independence Day type speech, but it does have some merit.

To do this, he has all these nameless test subjects who are subject themselves to the same shit Wolverine went through. They don't have names. They really don't offer much and Wolverine doesn't even say much about them. They're just meat bags to Dr. Cornelius. And he makes clear that he'll go through as many of them as he needs to. Needless to say, Wolverine has a big problem with that. However, the emotions of how much this pisses him off really aren't sufficiently conveyed. He basically looks at Dr. Conrelius with a, "Really? This is the excuse you're gonna make? Fuck, I need some whiskey." That last part was implied.

There's just one missing element to Dr. Conrelius' experiment and actually, it helps make sense of why he would do something so stupid with respect to getting Wolverine involved with this, knowing Wolverine's first inclination will be to cut off his balls and rip out his heart. He needs Wolverine's healing factor so that his subjects can survive the adamantium bonding process. That seems to be the key. There's just one big problem and Wolverine demonstrates it for him clearly. His healing factor is gone. This kind of throws a big fucking wrench into his plan. Again, not much really comes of this in terms of impact. Dr. Conrelius just looks at is with a, "Oh well, guess I'll have to find another way." The flat emotions here are kind of making it hard for the story to have much impact without the aid of some good ecstasy. Since that shit is hard to come by and expensive as hell, it basically just clears the way for more killing.

This leads to what amounts to Wolverine's final major battle. It's not against Sabretooth, Lady Deathstrike, or all the redheaded hookers he didn't tip. It's just some random new Weapon X knock-off that Dr. Conrelius calls Major Sharp. He's not all that menacing. He could easily be an extra on a 50s era B-grade horror movie. Not much is revealed about him. It's nowhere nearly enough for anyone to give more than three hundredths of a shit about him. But he serves his purpose. He gives Wolverine someone to fight while Dr. Conrelius continues with his experiments. Because honestly, he's done so much dumb shit at this point, why would he stop?

He still finds a way to say some meaningful shit along the way. He points out the differences between Major Sharp and Wolverine. He talks about wanting to make something perfect and without flaws. That means making a living weapon that doesn't maim everybody who made him. He thinks this is the only way to fix his mistake and change the world for the better. Because using this same science to cure all disease, end poverty, and heal those who have been mortally wounded just isn't enough. It gives some depth, but not nearly enough to give enough noteworthy shits.

It really isn't too epic a battle. Major Sharp is no Sabretooth. Hell, he's not even Daken on a bad hair day. He just gives Wolverine a good workout until Wolverine tricks him into breaking the barrier that's protecting Dr. Conrelius. It's the kind of tactic that is in no less than half the World War II shooters for X-box. Even grade-school kids could see this shit coming. For a guy like Dr. Cornelius who is smart enough to make Wolverine, he has no fucking excuse. It makes the fight feel even less epic because it's too predictable. But it still helps move shit forward because dragging it along at this point would only add to the stupidity.

And this is where Wolverine's fate is finally sealed. To this point, this battle has unfolded in the same way as every other battle has. Wolverine breaks into a facility, fucks up the experiment, and seeks to murder the asshole responsible. Even without his healing factor, this is one of those battles he would usually survive and still have the energy to get drunk at the nearest bar afterwards. But instead, he makes a fateful choice that changes everything in a way that ensures his date with the Grim Reaper.

It starts when Dr. Conrelius bolts. He triggers the adamantium infusion process on the nameless saps who somehow got tricked into being test subjects. I imagine they probably thought they were buying a time share. Rather than have them go through what he went through, Wolverine stops it by cutting the tanks and letting the liquid adamantium pour out all over him. And to make sure the test subjects survive, he gives them what's left of the healing agent that Kitty Pryde used on him in a previous issue.

Now at this point, he has to know he's dead. But at the same time, I can't help but wonder what the fuck he was thinking. Couldn't it have just been easier to pull the damn plug? Did he have to just break open the tanks?  It really feels like he just went for the messiest possible solution when he didn't have to. It's conveyed as a noble sacrifice, but it comes off as one of those reckless mistakes that costs him his life. It's tragic in the context of drunk driving. For Wolverine though, it just feels unnecessary. That's not to say it isn't fitting. He gave his life to stop more Weapon X victims. What makes it feel flat is that he really didn't need to give his life to stop it. He just did it anyways.

With death now set to dry hump his ass to the afterlife, he staggers forward before the adamantium can harden. He's somehow able to catch up to Dr. Cornelius, who was wounded by a shard of glass. He's still trying to get away, but the underpaid helicopter pilot probably knows a bit more about Weapon X's history than Wolverine does. So he just bolts and leaves Dr. Conrelius to die. That makes him by far the smartest person in this whole story. It really negates the need for any more struggles. Wolverine doesn't have to slowly torture him to death like he probably wants. He probably can't in his current state anyways. He and Dr. Cornelius are just left to die. It's as exciting as it sounds.

So there's really not much left to do at this point. There's no inner musings. There's no sad thoughts about everything Wolverine will be leaving behind. Again, it really limits the emotional impact here. There are so many things that could have been explored in Wolverine's final moments. And to some extent, we get that. After Dr. Conrelius whines about what kind of legacy Wolverine is leaving behind, we get a very short montage of how far he's come. It's not much and doesn't even begin to cover the extent of his life. I want to say it's better than nothing, but it's too close to nothing. It still sends the right message in that Wolverine feels like he can die knowing that he's accomplished enough. That makes his death as honorable as a guy like him ever could've hoped for.

Now I guess this is the part where I try to read a eulogy of sorts. I've never had to give one while sober so I'm not going to start now. I'll just say that Wolverine's death here was fitting, but unnecessary. There was nothing about what he did here that made his death unavoidable. There were plenty of ways he could've stopped Dr. Cornelius and still saved those test subjects. Instead, he chose the most reckless tactic possible. He beat Cornelius and got himself killed in a way that might have had some poetic justice, but it still felt forced. It wasn't epic. It wasn't this huge battle against overwhelming odds. I'm not saying that it had to be that way. Him dying at the hands of Galactus would've been a lot less satisfying than this. However, it still feels like the kind of death that really didn't need to happen. For a character like Wolverine who has survived way worse shit on the weekends, it just doesn't feel epic enough.

It leaves me somewhat torn. This series was built on the premise that Wolverine would die in a way that would close the book on his journey in a meaningful way. In that sense, it succeeded. Wolverine's journey ended in the same way it began, fighting Weapon X. It didn't feel too crass. It wasn't like Wolverine died from choking on a pretzel. He died destroying the very thing that made him Wolverine. In that sense it works, but only in a very shallow sort of way. It doesn't really hit all the right emotions, but it does hit enough to not be a total disappointment. I give Death of Wolverine #4 a 6 out of 10. It's good. It's not great, but it's good. It won't make fans cry like they did when they found out they actually paid to see Wolverine Origins in the theaters, but it does give a sense of closure.

For that, I'll raise a glass of whiskey and thank Wolverine for all the awesome he brought us in life. In death, his impact will surely carry on that legacy of awesome. Now I'll just have to figure out what I'm going to drink once he eventually gets resurrected. Because let's face it, if Bucky freakin' Barnes can come back from the dead, so can Wolverine. Nuff said!