Old, Gruff, and Gritty: Old Man Logan #46

The following is my review of Old Man Logan #46, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

It's never easy watching a beloved friend or family member succumb to the ravages of age. It's an inescapable fact of life, but if there's anyone who has a chance to escape, it's Wolverine. He's not supposed to age, decline, or lose his sex appeal. This is a man who survived having the adamantium ripped from his bones by Magneto, endured multiple battles with Apocalypse, and kept his dignity after the Punisher ran him over with a steamroller. However, it's because he's not supposed to get old that Old Man Logan has such unique appeal.

He's a version of Wolverine who is losing his battle against the ravages of time. He can still heal, but he can't be the same hero he's always been. Moreover, he can never be that hero again. His body and his spirit just won't allow it. That version of Wolverine is buried in the past. This version is looking less and less capable with each passing day.

Since taking over the series, Ed Brisson has been guiding Old Man Logan into the proverbial twilight of his story and there's a growing sense that the end is near for him. He can't heal like he used to. He can't fight with the same ferocity that once made him so dangerous. He's an old man and there's only so much he can heal from. On top of that, the adamantium in his bones is poisoning him so his clock is ticking faster than most.

It's a rare and difficult story to tell, an iconic hero getting older and less capable. Old Man Logan tells that story well and with Old Man Logan #46, Brisson takes him one step closer to the inevitable, but not before putting him in position to be the best there is at what he does. That also includes him teaming up with old allies, such as Alpha Flight. It's one of Wolverine's oldest affiliations that doesn't involve clones or other living weapons. It's somewhat fitting because Alpha Flight prepared him for the X-men. Now, they're helping him prepare for his final days.

The tone of the story is not as somber as it could've been. Old Man Logan is not necessarily broken up about his declining health. He's not dreading the dwindling time he has left or that the mainline version of Wolverine is coming back to take his space. Brisson presents Old Man Logan as a man resigned to his fate, but not in a way that feels grim. He's still Wolverine. He'll still throw himself into the middle of a battle and stab things, as only he can.

It does, however, create a unique backdrop for the part of the story that requires fighting and claws. It's a fairly generic situation by Alpha Flight standards. There's a small town in Canada that has been overrun by some purple alien plant monster. Not much is known or revealed about it, but it gives Old Man Logan and Alpha Flight a reason to team up. It has the common themes of an old school monster movie, complete with mysterious origins for the monster and brutal deaths for innocent townspeople.

By Wolverine standards, it's basically a typical Tuesday. However, a good chunk of the story is dedicated to reinforcing just how little time Old Man Logan has left. There's even one revealing scene between him and Puck where he reveals something that few versions of Wolverine would ever admit without the influence of powerful psychics.

It's not just that he can't heal and the adamantium in his body is killing him. He's tired. His exact words are, "I'm just so tired." He knows he's not the man he used to be. He also knows that if he keeps fighting like a young man version of Logan, people are going to get hurt, namely those cares about. He's at a point in his illustrious, brutal life where he's just ready to go. It's one of those things people expect old men to say, but not Logan.

Puck and the rest of Alpha Flight don't have a chance to respond, which is understandable when they're fighting an alien plant monster. Damian Couceiro manages to include some solemn reactions through a dark, but appropriate art style. There's a clear sense that Alpha Flight isn't just brushing Old Man Logan's dire condition off. They just don't get an opportunity to confront him about it and Old Man Logan makes clear that he doesn't want to talk about it.

This does have a meaningful impact on the battle against the alien plant monster. If a younger, less tired version of Wolverine were involved, then the drama just isn't there. Old Man Logan #46 isn't just Wolverine fighting another space monster with his fellow Canadian heroes. Brisson creates a predicament where every growl, slash, and grunt is pushing Old Man Logan closer to the brink. He can't win they day by just going into a berserker rage and stabbing everything with a feral grin on his face. He has to fight knowing that he's not going to heal from the wounds he incurs like he used to.

That makes Old Man Logan #46 and every subsequent issue more dramatic beyond the alien plant monsters. This isn't just another tease about a major hero dying and setting up a subsequent resurrection story. This is a character who is ready to die and doesn't want to come back. He wants to fight whatever battles he can before walking off into the light to rejoin his family. It's sad on some levels, but refreshingly real in a way that is atypical of superhero comics, especially those involving Wolverine.

There are many times in Logan's vast, convoluted history where his healing factor has been damaged and his ability to survive any battle is in question. However, Old Man Logan sets himself apart by conceding to his vulnerabilities to some extent. There's no certainty that he'll heal from his condition because it has less to do with his powers and more to do with juts being an old man. It's solemn, but it's not tragic in the sense that Old Man Logan is ready to die. He's just not done stabbing things yet.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Back To Brutal Basics: X-23 #1

The following is my review of X-23 #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

On paper, the arc of a superhero is supposed to move forward with progress and growth occurring along the way. In practice, however, there are a lot of setbacks, regression, and pitfalls, but not all of them involve dying and coming back to life every once in a while. Certain characters have an iconic status built on decades of evolution, eventually settling into a particular status quo that best reflects who they are and the breadth of their appeal. To that extent, Laura "X-23" Kinney is still evolving.

Her story can't be considered new anymore, having played a part in a major X-men movie and held down multiple solo runs from the likes of Marjorie Liu and Tom Taylor. She also can't be classified as old, either. Her growth has been rapid since her debut in the X-men: Evolution cartoon, but her story tends to undergo more shifts than most.

There are times when Laura seeks to avoid the violent conditioning she endured under her creators, seeking to build a normal life, to the extent that anyone related to Wolverine can have one. She also goes through periods where she attempts to channel those violent skills for heroic purposes, just like Wolverine has. After taking the mantle of Wolverine for a time under Tom Taylor, Laura is at a point where she no longer hides from her bloody past or her violent skills. However, she still has some growing to do and not just because she has a little sister and a pet wolverine.

This is the situation that Mariko Tamaki and Juan Cabal inherit in X-23 #1. Laura's past is still chasing her and her future is still in flux. She has more to lose now than she did before with Gabby in her life. Even though she's still a teenager, she can't afford to be as irresponsible as most teenagers, as the Peter Parkers and Kamala Khans of the world can attest. Between having the baggage of Logan's legacy and dealing with an overly-energetic sister with a pet wolverine, Laura has her work cut out for her.

Tamaki and Cabal still have her pushing forward. The stakes are pretty standard for any clone/daughter of Wolverine. There are still people in the Marvel universe who think it's a good idea to clone Logan and make living weapons. How anyone can still believe that will lead to anything other than a brutal death is laughable, if not absurd at this point. Nobody even tries to make excuses. They're just willing fodder for Laura's continued evolution.

While the setup is basic, involving a generic threat with ties to Alchemax, Tamaki doesn't focus too much on the slashing and stabbing that's standard for any X-23 series. Those moments are there. There's even a hulking lizard man thrown into the mix, which helps mix things up from the standard hired goons that Laura is known for decimating. However, the real meat of the story is in Laura's personal journey.

As she's navigating the standard Wolverine-styled action sequences with Gabby, she reflects on her upcoming birthday. Being a clone, that brings complications that have little to do with cake frosting. Laura starts out with mixed, but ambivalent feelings on the matter. She initially gives the impression that it's not a big deal. Gabby, as she's been doing since she showed up in All-New Wolverine, gets her to reconsider and is lovably adorable every step of the way.

It also helps that Laura and Gabby aren't the only clones dealing with identity issues and birthday drama. After meeting up with Beast at the Xavier Institute, they cross paths with the Stepford Cuckoos. As it just so happens, they're celebrating their birthday. That helps make birthdays, in general, a bigger issue and one that acts as a catalyst for the story, albeit indirectly.

As is often the case with plots involving clones and living weapons, there's a larger agenda unfolding behind the scenes, even before the stabbing starts. It involves Alchemax, but it also involves the Stepford Cuckoos as well. Tamaki even digs a bit into the Cuckoos' history, some of which hasn't been referenced since the latter end of Grant Morrison's run on New X-men. It helps raise the stakes and complicates Laura's new mission. Unlike lizard men throwing trucks, this isn't an issue she can resolve with her claws.

While the connection between Laura's mission and the Cuckoos is established, things don't get violent that quickly. Things even diverge somewhat as Laura debates the merits of birthdays while the Cuckoos reveal some affiliations that would probably not sit well with any former living weapon. There's a distinct sense of inevitability that emerges once the agenda of the Cuckoos emerge. Even though part of it still involves celebrating a birthday, it seems unavoidable that they're going to clash with Laura and Gabby.

That conflict doesn't manifest initially and that's not necessarily a bad thing. X-23 #1 spends more time exploring how Laura sees herself as she continues to navigate a world where she's technically an escaped lab experiment. Her reservations about making a big deal about her birthday reveal that she still struggles with an identity crisis on some levels. She keeps trying to forge her own path, but can't escape the fact that she's a clone. The Stepford Cuckoos are in the same boat, although their efforts don't come off nearly as healthy.

It's a struggle that has been plaguing Laura since her creation, but the fact that she's at a point where she's uncertain about the merits of birthdays still counts as progress on some levels. While the details surrounding the plot are still fairly standard, X-23 #1 still succeeds in sending the message that Laura is still evolving and she's even making progress. Having a quirky little sister with a pet wolverine actually helps more than it complicates things.

Some of that progress still comes off as only partial, though. While X-23 #1 does plenty to create new conflicts, it leaves a lot of unanswered questions. There's no explanation as to why Laura is going by X-23 instead of Wolverine. There's also little in terms of connections to the larger X-men continuity. Even though Laura and Gabby are current members of X-men Red, this affiliation has no real impact.

The story still succeeds enough in terms of putting Laura on a new path, one that will likely affect how she approaches future birthdays. Her growth, as a character, is beyond dispute at this point. She is every bit as entrenched in the X-men comics as Logan, Deadpool, and Doop. She still has plenty of room to grow and if she can just start seeing the world the same way Gabby sees snack food, then she'll be just fine.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Life After Logan #1

The recent (temporary) death of Wolverine has raised some very somber and very important questions. Chief among them is how exactly will the Marvel Universe function without it’s favorite hard-drinking, stab-happy Canadian with a thing for redheads, whiskey, and African goddesses? It’s a question many thought they would never have to answer, especially since a sizable chunk of Marvel’s sex appeal comes from Hugh Jackman’s ability to make Wolverine sexy in the movies. But now, in wake of Death of Wolverine, that difficult question has to be answered. It has been explored in other comics to some extent. But no comic to date has taken a big picture view on how the Marvel Universe will work with a dead Wolverine. That’s exactly what Life After Logan #1 is supposed to explore. The problem is, there is a precedent for it and it’s pretty shitty. Wolverine has been killed off in other major AUs, namely X-men Forever and Ultimate. In both cases, it failed miserably. X-men Forever got canceled and the less said about Ultimate, the better. Could the third attempt be the charm? If not, then we can probably already start the countdown to Wolverine’s inevitable resurrection.

That being said, I think it’s safe to assume that Cyclops is the one counting down the slowest. He is the first character whose reaction is explored in wake of Wolverine’s death. On the surface, that sounds a little off because it’s akin to exploring the reactions of Eagles fans after the Cowboys lose. Of the many, many people Wolverine has pissed off in his life, few have been more victimized by his assholery than Cyclops. And unlike Sabretooth, it’s hardly deserved. But it’s for that reason why his reaction is worth exploring.

Cyclops narrates his reaction through some intimate, insightful thoughts about Wolverine. He doesn’t skip straight to the part where he mourns a fallen X-man. He acknowledges that Wolverine was a massive douche who cared more about beer than he ever did about keeping the X-men together. All those responsibilities fell on Cyclops’ shoulders and Wolverine respected those responsibilities by trying to bang his wife. Cyclops made himself the responsible one and his reward for that was being labeled a dork while the hard-drinking, womanizing, movie-ruining asshole got to be cool. Yet still, Wolverine’s death affected him.

After acknowledging what a dick Wolverine was, Cyclops starts to reflect on the ways Wolverine was actually a friend. This leads to a string of nice flashbacks to some of the most important moments in X-men history, such as the aftermath of Jean Grey’s first (but certainly not her last) death. It reveals a nice moment where Wolverine actually tries to encourage Cyclops to keep being that responsible guy that nobody likes but everyone respects. It’s a moment that shows as big a dick as Wolverine could be, he was still a friend.

This played out in less tragic flashbacks as well, such as when Wolverine had the adamantium ripped out of his body. It led to another nice moment between these two where they reflect on how tough it is to keep fighting, but they do it anyways and not just because it means encountering more pretty redheads. Cyclops acknowledges in these moments that Wolverine had his vulnerabilities and he had a sense of humanity, once he got beyond the attitude, the drinking, and the womanizing. Wolverine’s still a dick, but he’s a respectable dick in the tradition of Dr. House.

These flashbacks and these moments that Cyclops shared with Wolverine all lead to an important realization that really makes his reaction feel genuine. In addition to acknowledging Wolverine’s faults and strengths, Cyclops acknowledges how badly he has fucked up, going all the way back to Jean’s second death. Granted, he’s not wholly responsible for what happened in Schism or Avengers vs. X-men, but he accepts responsibility as he always has. And as Wolverine taught him, he doesn’t have the luxury of quitting. He’ll keep fighting like Wolverine did, minus the heavy drinking. He may try to do a little womanizing along the way. Redheads, blonds, and psychics just can’t resist him. But I think Wolverine wouldn’t have it any other way.

It makes for a beautiful, deeply personal moment for Cyclops. It couldn’t be more fitting unless beer was involved. And remarkably, Cyclops decides that Wolverine deserves the extra effort in his death. So after he reflects on all the ways Wolverine has influenced his life, he decides to honor in the most appropriate way possible. He goes out to a biker bar, beats the shit out of some thugs, and gets himself a nice cold beer.

Now I think it’s safe to say that Cyclops has made an appropriate tribute to Wolverine. He reflected on all the ways they hated and respected one another. He remembered all the hard lessons he learned from him. And he found a way to incorporate beer and bar fights. He couldn’t have honored his fallen friend/rival any better. I have to say this sort of thing makes a drunk weep.

The next two characters whose reactions are explored involve a lot less tears and that’s not a bad thing. Nobody likes getting emotional without tequila being involved. Unlike Cyclops, Wolverine had a much more typical friendship with Colossus and Nightcrawler. These were the kinds of friends he would go out drinking with, laughing and carrying on with stories about killer robots, evil mutants, and Asian hookers. That means they’re going to be a lot less conflicted when it comes to dealing with Wolverine’s death. That also means they’re willing to go the extra distance to pay tribute to him.

This leads them to Japan where they hope to carry out one of Wolverine’s most important traditions one last time. And no, it didn’t involve making his way through every massage parlor in a weekend. It involves paying a visit to Mariko Yashida’s grave, which Wolverine did every year. Now that he’s dead, it’s up to Colossus and Nightcrawler to pay one last visit on Wolverine’s behalf. But it isn’t that easy. It can never be that easy with Wolverine, unless beer is involved. As it just so happens, Mariko’s grave is guarded by a bunch of ninjas. And Wolverine tore through ninjas the same way he tore through six-packs. So naturally, Colossus and Nightcrawler will have to go through them to pay tribute to their friend. It’s probably not as much fun as Cyclops enjoying a good bar fight, but it’s right up there.

It actually doesn’t get too hostile at first. The ninjas actually do let them in to see the grave. Sure, they also completely surround them like pack of wolves at a bacon factory, but that only saves Colossus and Nightcrawler the trouble of weeding them out. They do the first part of what they came to do. They take the sword Mariko gave Wolverine and stick it in her grave. Now I’m not all that versed in the kinds of Japanese culture not depicted in anime porn, but I’m pretty sure that’s one of those gestures that could be easily misconstrued as an insult. To Colossus and Nightcrawler, sticking the sword in the grave was a way for Wolverine to connect with Mariko one last time. For the ninjas, they might as well have let a pack of dogs take a shit on it.

This allows Colossus and Nightcrawler to do the second part of what they came to do. Wolverine has now been honored and can rest in peace with Mariko. Now they can get to the part where they beat up ninjas. Unlike Cyclops, they don’t find a way to incorporate beer into this tribute, but that doesn’t make it any less fitting. They take to battling ninjas with the same delight that Wolverine did. Despite being surrounded and out in the open, Colossus and Nightcrawler hold their own in a nicely detailed fight that has all the organized delight of a Rihanna music video. It doesn’t bring a tear to my eye, but it still makes for some nice moments that I’m sure Wolverine himself would appreciate.

So Wolverine has been honored with beer, gestures at the grave of Markio, and beating up ninjas. What more could be done to honor his memory without mixing his ashes with whiskey? Well, not every reaction explored here is a tribute. There’s still room for characters just learning to cope with Wolverine’s death. One of those characters is Armor, one of the many cute teenage girls that Wolverine connected with over the years in completely non-pervy way. Sure, some still thought he should be made a sex offender for hanging around so many cute teenage girls, but he left a good impression on them all and Armor was no exception.

Being a teenage girl, coping is not one of those skills that she’s going to be inherently good at. She can’t be responsible like Cyclops, Colossus, and Nightcrawler. She has to be a little more pissed off, which means creating a Danger Room scenario where she can beat the shit out of all Wolverine’s enemies. I admit if I had a Danger Room, I would probably do the same when I’m pissed off, except I would beat the shit out of all my old high school teachers. I’m not going to say it’s healthy. I’m not even going to say it’s fitting. But in the spirit of exploring how Armor is reacting to the death of someone she cared about, I’d say it’s appropriate. And besides, we already saw beer and ninjas used to honor Wolverine. Why not complete the cycle by beating the shit out of his enemies?

Even though these enemies are just simulations, they’re still Wolverine’s enemies. That means Armor is going to be overmatched. A pissed off teenage girl is powerful, but Wolverine’s enemies are just slightly beyond their ability to overwhelm everything in their path. This leads to Hellion showing up to shut down the program before she was left with a Wolverine-level hangover.

In the process, he reveals that the beer Armor was holding wasn’t part of the hologram. She actually stole that from Wolverine’s stash. If he were still alive, that would be considered an effective method of suicide. But in his absence, it’s a tribute of sorts and part of how Armor is trying to cope. Again, it’s not rational and it’s definitely going to piss off One Million Moms for promoting underage drinking, but for a teenage girl, it still works. It can’t be more harmful than some of the other medications teenagers take these days.

This leads to an emotional moment with Armor and by that I mean she ends up punching Hellion in the face. To be fair, he was asking for it when he made a joke about Wolverine’s fondness for teenage girls. It wasn’t a wholly inaccurate joke, but he was still asking for it. They both get a little pissed off. They’re teenagers. They’re prone to overreacting in fucked up ways. But it still brings out all the right emotions. Armor talks about how she sensed it when Wolverine died and how his essence is part of her powers now. It’s not clear how accurate that is. It might just be typical teenage melodrama. It still helps Armor’s tears feel genuine and, to his credit, Hellion isn’t a total ass about it.

In the end, the two teens console each other. Sure, Hellion turns it into an opportunity to get into Armor’s panties. He’s a teenage boy. It would be a much bigger cause for concern if he didn’t try something like that in this situation. Armor politely rejects him and while it sucks for Hellion’s penis, it helps them come to an understanding. It also prevents Armor from drinking the beer and taking her first step towards Wolverine-level alcoholism. Some might be disappointed, but it’s hardly surprising. Marvel won’t even let characters smoke anymore. There’s no way they would let an underage girl drink. Even they’re not that eager to piss off One Million Moms.

Even if Wolverine will inevitably return, if only to appease the women and gay men who want to sleep with Hugh Jackman, this issue conveyed all the right emotions from a diverse set of characters. It succeeds in giving everybody that warm and fuzzy feeling inside that’s usually matched only by a good bottle of whiskey. Everything felt genuine. The thoughts and emotions displayed by these characters was appropriate and fitting. I imagine when Wolverine comes back, he’ll gladly buy all of them a bear, even Armor. They’ve earned it.
At times, the story was somewhat limited. Anybody who doesn’t like stories built around a narrow set of emotions won’t be missing much by skipping this and renting a Transformer movie. This issue isn’t really presented as a critical component to the Death of Wolverine saga. It’s more a bonus feature or an epilogue. It really doesn’t try to be much more than that. While it may lack ambition, it still works as well as can be expected for any story that involves a bar fight and ninjas. I give Life After Logan #1 an 8 out of 10. It’s still not clear how long the Marvel Universe can last without Wolverine. There’s only so much legacy and replacement characters like X-23 and Daken can do. For now, they’re doing enough to stave off a heroin-level Wolverine withdrawal. Anyone could start vomiting violently at any moment, but for now I think the aftermath Wolverine (temporary) death warrants a salute and a cold beer. Nuff said!

A Fitting (But Incomplete) End: Death of Wolverine #4

The following is my review of Death of Wolverine #4, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

How does one go about killing an iconic character? It used to be such a difficult, almost profane question to ask. But over the past decade or so, Marvel and DC have made that question about as difficult as asking who they should cut from their fantasy football team. The death of iconic characters used to be a rare event that needed to be handled with the utmost care. The Death of Superman in the early 90s established the blueprint for such an event and its success, for better or for worse, established the precedent that so many would follow.

But since the Death of Superman, a lot has changed. Bill Clinton's affairs with interns is no longer news. Brett Favre finally retired from the NFL. Mel Gibson no longer has the clean image he once enjoyed. And in that time, Marvel and DC have killed, resurrected, and replaced so many characters that it's really not much of an event anymore. People look at the death of a major character the same way they look at jury duty. They just roll their eyes, suck it up, and wait for it to play out. But that doesn't mean it can't be a compelling story. Death of Wolverine #4 attempts to trigger those same emotions that events like Death of Superman once triggered among fans. It succeeds only in part, but it still manages to feel fitting.

There's nothing terribly epic about the setting. Wolverine doesn't go up against all his greatest enemies again and he doesn't face some overwhelming new enemy. Instead, he goes up against Dr. Abraham Cornelius. On paper, this doesn't sound like the kind of enemy that should be the one who successfully kills Wolverine. But from a conceptual standpoint, he is perfect for that role.

In many ways, Abraham Cornelius is the man most responsible for turning James Howlett into Wolverine. He is Dr. Frankenstein and Wolverine is his monster, minus the neck bolts. He's the man who is behind the greatest turning point in Wolverine's exceedingly long, horrendously complicated life. So him being the final enemy Wolverine faces works on so many levels. It's not quite full-circle. Wolverine's life can never be a perfect shape, but the concept still fits.

Where the concept breaks down is the actual details of the struggle. There's nothing terribly epic about it. If it were a big battle scene, it would barely qualify as a dramatization in a World War II documentary on the History Channel. Dr. Cornelius doesn't really throw much at Wolverine. The biggest threat Wolverine faces is some generic, Weapon X knock-off that's more forgettable than the last three Adam Sandler movies. It's a threat that's not really intended to take him down. And this is where the greatest weakness of the story is exposed.

When broken down into its basic elements, there's one uncomfortable detail. Wolverine didn't really have to die. The conflict he faces here is basically a dime a dozen for him. He finds an old relic of his past, seeks to destroy it, and succeeds. His lack of a healing factor isn't really relevant here. What he does to stop Dr. Cornelius wasn't the only way. It wasn't like he needed to sacrifice himself like Jean Grey, Superman, or Charles Xavier had to in their big deaths. What he did felt forced. He wasn't terminally ill. He wasn't critically wounded. He just opted for the one tactic that would kill him. It's like having a self-destruct button on a car and using it on a simple flat tire.

Even if what Wolverine did felt forced, the purpose behind his actions do carry some weight. This goes back to Dr. Cornelius being the driving force behind this conflict and everything that made Wolverine who he is. Wolverine did what he had to do to prevent Dr. Cornelius from making more living weapons like him. As inefficient as it was, he still succeeds in keeping the test subjects involved from suffering like he did. It's noble, it's heroic, and it's honorable. And he did it without hitting on married women or smoking a cigar. It is as fine a moment as Wolverine can have.

In the end Wolverine saves the lives of would-be victims when he had a chance to save his own. That has been one of the most common themes for Wolverine in his long, convoluted history. He seeks to stop those who would try to create monsters like him. And he had to succeed here because Dr. Cornelius said outright that he would never stop trying to recreate Wolverine. He believes that this is his only way of changing the world for the better. It's exactly as crazy and senile as it sounds. It still works, but it also feels forced.

As fitting as Wolverine's final battle might have been, it still comes off as emotionally flat. And it's not just because his death felt forced or unnecessary. There's a moment where Dr. Cornelius, with his dying breath, asks Wolverine what he accomplished. It sounds like a loaded question since Wolverine is older than a number of countries in the world, but it's meant to make him recall how far he's come from test subject to X-man. There are a lot of moments in that legacy and not nearly enough of them got touched on. There is an effort, but it feels incomplete. It's like only the first 10 pages in a 500 page photo album.

While the details might be lacking, there are enough of them to get the point across. If the goal of this issue was to have Wolverine die with a sense that he accomplished enough to die honorably, it succeeded. But if the goal was to do so in a way that felt epic and worthy of his character, then it came up short. Death of Wolverine #4 doesn't have enough details to feel like the truly definitive end for Wolverine. It's impossible to make a life like Wolverine feel truly complete. His character and his history is so big and so profound that it just cannot be done. But in an era where characters like Bucky Barnes can come back to life, maybe that's the point. It doesn't have to be big or detailed. Like a good Apple product, it just has to work.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Death of Wolverine #4

Well, it's finally here people. Once again, a major comic book company is killing off one of its major characters in a highly publicized event intended to boost sales and generate interest and/or troll Fox, depending on how accurate certain rumors are. We all knew it was coming. Marvel announced that Wolverine would die months ago. Since then, I've made my position pretty clear. One, he's not going to stay dead. If Marvel can bring back Bucky freakin' Barnes, they can bring back Wolverine. Two, these death gimmicks are shameless and shallow, but they work and we have nobody to blame but ourselves. And three, we'll keep seeing more death gimmicks like this so long as we keep forking over our hard earned money to buy into them.

It's because of these three points that I really can't get too worked up about Wolverine's upcoming death. It's not being set up like the deaths of Jean Grey, Johnny Storm, or Charles Xavier. We know it's coming. We know what to expect. It's only a matter of how well it's done. I'm not going to assume anybody is going to be satisfied with it. This is Wolverine, the guy who made Hugh Jackman the actor no less than 40 percent of the female population wants to bone. Killing him is not going to be satisfying for a lot of people, no matter how awesome the story. But it is what it is and I'm just the drunk who tries to determine whether it's a decent story. So as I review Death of Wolverine #4, I'm going to do my best to keep all this in mind. Fair warning though. I tend to treat death in comics the same way I treat pimples on my ass. They're unsightly and ugly, but unavoidable. It's just a matter of how we deal with them.

In that sense Wolverine deals with Dr. Cornelius in the most appropriate way possible. By that, I mean he ditches any an all sense of stealth and cunning. He just barges through the front door like the DEA at Tommy Chong's house, kills anyone dumb enough to get in his way, and fights as though he still has his healing factor. I know it's the same brutality we've seen from Wolverine since the Carter Administration, but this being his last battle, it feels right and satisfying even if it isn't spectacular. This is Wolverine at his most pure, taking on the ghosts of his past in the bloodiest, messiest way possible. Damn I'm going to miss this.

When he arrives, he finds Dr. Conrelius in the middle of doing what he does best. For some reason, somebody thought this guy who created the utter uncontrollable killing machine that is Wolverine deserved another shot. So now he's working on yet another breed of of Weapon X. And he's doing this in addition to putting a bounty on Wolverine's head. So not only does this guy have a death wish, he wants to carry it out in the messiest, most expensive way possible. That might make sense with Donald Trump or the Koch brothers, but this is just needlessly dumb.

That said, it is still fitting in a few ways. Wolverine still represents the first and probably the most successful living weapon that Weapon X ever created. Every knock-off or derivative not named X-23 has been pretty shitty by comparison. It's like Apple making only one perfect iPhone and having it be a huge success. Should they just shrug their shoulders and stop trying to make another? Fuck no. That's not just bad for business. That would be too damn humble for too many people.

It sets up what could have been a powerful moment where Wolverine confronts the man who made him Wolverine. And while there is some heated emotion here, it feels incomplete for lack of a better word. Dr. Cornelius does put some perspective into what he's doing and it's not the typical, "I do it because I'm bored and someone was dumb enough to give me a lot of money," excuse. He sees what he's doing as correcting his greatest failure. He really doesn't want to go down in history as the guy who created something as awesome as Wolverine and failed miserably to control him. He wants to at least get one knock-off right before he dies. It's not exactly a Bill Pullmen in Independence Day type speech, but it does have some merit.

To do this, he has all these nameless test subjects who are subject themselves to the same shit Wolverine went through. They don't have names. They really don't offer much and Wolverine doesn't even say much about them. They're just meat bags to Dr. Cornelius. And he makes clear that he'll go through as many of them as he needs to. Needless to say, Wolverine has a big problem with that. However, the emotions of how much this pisses him off really aren't sufficiently conveyed. He basically looks at Dr. Conrelius with a, "Really? This is the excuse you're gonna make? Fuck, I need some whiskey." That last part was implied.

There's just one missing element to Dr. Conrelius' experiment and actually, it helps make sense of why he would do something so stupid with respect to getting Wolverine involved with this, knowing Wolverine's first inclination will be to cut off his balls and rip out his heart. He needs Wolverine's healing factor so that his subjects can survive the adamantium bonding process. That seems to be the key. There's just one big problem and Wolverine demonstrates it for him clearly. His healing factor is gone. This kind of throws a big fucking wrench into his plan. Again, not much really comes of this in terms of impact. Dr. Conrelius just looks at is with a, "Oh well, guess I'll have to find another way." The flat emotions here are kind of making it hard for the story to have much impact without the aid of some good ecstasy. Since that shit is hard to come by and expensive as hell, it basically just clears the way for more killing.

This leads to what amounts to Wolverine's final major battle. It's not against Sabretooth, Lady Deathstrike, or all the redheaded hookers he didn't tip. It's just some random new Weapon X knock-off that Dr. Conrelius calls Major Sharp. He's not all that menacing. He could easily be an extra on a 50s era B-grade horror movie. Not much is revealed about him. It's nowhere nearly enough for anyone to give more than three hundredths of a shit about him. But he serves his purpose. He gives Wolverine someone to fight while Dr. Conrelius continues with his experiments. Because honestly, he's done so much dumb shit at this point, why would he stop?

He still finds a way to say some meaningful shit along the way. He points out the differences between Major Sharp and Wolverine. He talks about wanting to make something perfect and without flaws. That means making a living weapon that doesn't maim everybody who made him. He thinks this is the only way to fix his mistake and change the world for the better. Because using this same science to cure all disease, end poverty, and heal those who have been mortally wounded just isn't enough. It gives some depth, but not nearly enough to give enough noteworthy shits.

It really isn't too epic a battle. Major Sharp is no Sabretooth. Hell, he's not even Daken on a bad hair day. He just gives Wolverine a good workout until Wolverine tricks him into breaking the barrier that's protecting Dr. Conrelius. It's the kind of tactic that is in no less than half the World War II shooters for X-box. Even grade-school kids could see this shit coming. For a guy like Dr. Cornelius who is smart enough to make Wolverine, he has no fucking excuse. It makes the fight feel even less epic because it's too predictable. But it still helps move shit forward because dragging it along at this point would only add to the stupidity.

And this is where Wolverine's fate is finally sealed. To this point, this battle has unfolded in the same way as every other battle has. Wolverine breaks into a facility, fucks up the experiment, and seeks to murder the asshole responsible. Even without his healing factor, this is one of those battles he would usually survive and still have the energy to get drunk at the nearest bar afterwards. But instead, he makes a fateful choice that changes everything in a way that ensures his date with the Grim Reaper.

It starts when Dr. Conrelius bolts. He triggers the adamantium infusion process on the nameless saps who somehow got tricked into being test subjects. I imagine they probably thought they were buying a time share. Rather than have them go through what he went through, Wolverine stops it by cutting the tanks and letting the liquid adamantium pour out all over him. And to make sure the test subjects survive, he gives them what's left of the healing agent that Kitty Pryde used on him in a previous issue.

Now at this point, he has to know he's dead. But at the same time, I can't help but wonder what the fuck he was thinking. Couldn't it have just been easier to pull the damn plug? Did he have to just break open the tanks?  It really feels like he just went for the messiest possible solution when he didn't have to. It's conveyed as a noble sacrifice, but it comes off as one of those reckless mistakes that costs him his life. It's tragic in the context of drunk driving. For Wolverine though, it just feels unnecessary. That's not to say it isn't fitting. He gave his life to stop more Weapon X victims. What makes it feel flat is that he really didn't need to give his life to stop it. He just did it anyways.

With death now set to dry hump his ass to the afterlife, he staggers forward before the adamantium can harden. He's somehow able to catch up to Dr. Cornelius, who was wounded by a shard of glass. He's still trying to get away, but the underpaid helicopter pilot probably knows a bit more about Weapon X's history than Wolverine does. So he just bolts and leaves Dr. Conrelius to die. That makes him by far the smartest person in this whole story. It really negates the need for any more struggles. Wolverine doesn't have to slowly torture him to death like he probably wants. He probably can't in his current state anyways. He and Dr. Cornelius are just left to die. It's as exciting as it sounds.

So there's really not much left to do at this point. There's no inner musings. There's no sad thoughts about everything Wolverine will be leaving behind. Again, it really limits the emotional impact here. There are so many things that could have been explored in Wolverine's final moments. And to some extent, we get that. After Dr. Conrelius whines about what kind of legacy Wolverine is leaving behind, we get a very short montage of how far he's come. It's not much and doesn't even begin to cover the extent of his life. I want to say it's better than nothing, but it's too close to nothing. It still sends the right message in that Wolverine feels like he can die knowing that he's accomplished enough. That makes his death as honorable as a guy like him ever could've hoped for.

Now I guess this is the part where I try to read a eulogy of sorts. I've never had to give one while sober so I'm not going to start now. I'll just say that Wolverine's death here was fitting, but unnecessary. There was nothing about what he did here that made his death unavoidable. There were plenty of ways he could've stopped Dr. Cornelius and still saved those test subjects. Instead, he chose the most reckless tactic possible. He beat Cornelius and got himself killed in a way that might have had some poetic justice, but it still felt forced. It wasn't epic. It wasn't this huge battle against overwhelming odds. I'm not saying that it had to be that way. Him dying at the hands of Galactus would've been a lot less satisfying than this. However, it still feels like the kind of death that really didn't need to happen. For a character like Wolverine who has survived way worse shit on the weekends, it just doesn't feel epic enough.

It leaves me somewhat torn. This series was built on the premise that Wolverine would die in a way that would close the book on his journey in a meaningful way. In that sense, it succeeded. Wolverine's journey ended in the same way it began, fighting Weapon X. It didn't feel too crass. It wasn't like Wolverine died from choking on a pretzel. He died destroying the very thing that made him Wolverine. In that sense it works, but only in a very shallow sort of way. It doesn't really hit all the right emotions, but it does hit enough to not be a total disappointment. I give Death of Wolverine #4 a 6 out of 10. It's good. It's not great, but it's good. It won't make fans cry like they did when they found out they actually paid to see Wolverine Origins in the theaters, but it does give a sense of closure.

For that, I'll raise a glass of whiskey and thank Wolverine for all the awesome he brought us in life. In death, his impact will surely carry on that legacy of awesome. Now I'll just have to figure out what I'm going to drink once he eventually gets resurrected. Because let's face it, if Bucky freakin' Barnes can come back from the dead, so can Wolverine. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Death of Wolverine #3

After a joint and a few drinks, I’ve often thought about how I would like to exit this world. And I’m not just talking about the moment I go. I still want to go by drowning in a tub of whiskey right after a three-way with Jessica Alba and Megan Fox. But in terms of my funeral, I’ve had my share of ideas. First and foremost, I want to make sure that all my ex-girlfriends, high school teachers, guidance counselors, parole officers, and traffic cops are invited. Second, I want to make sure I’m buried face down so they can all kiss my ass. I don’t think that’s too reasonable. I imagine Wolverine didn’t give much thought to his own funeral before he lost his healing. Now I imagine he’s already planning to have every redheaded and Asian hooker in Madripoor attend his funeral wearing nothing but a thong and covered in whiskey. But even if he has been planning it, he’s still fighting to survive. That hasn’t been easy now that somebody has put a price on his head and that of every other Weapon X reject. That bounty has sent him on a one-way trip to the Grim Reapers toilet bowl. With Death of Wolverine #3, he’s one step closer to that final flush. I just hope the hookers are paid off and the beer is still cold.

Lady Deathstrike should also hope that her insurance is paid off because just when it looked like she would bathe in Wolverine’s blood while pleasuring herself to the sounds of his screams, Kitty Pryde showed up. She then made sure that Lady Deathstrike got a quick physics lesson as to why phasing powers kick much more ass than overgrown nails. Even for guys like me who slept through physics class, it’s pretty enlightening. It’s also fitting, having Kitty show up in Madripoor to help Wolverine when she’s had so few chances to interact with them. To be fair, she’s the one that ditched him in favor of the New Xavier School. But that doesn’t mean she’ll pass up an opportunity to kick Lady Deathstrike’s ass. Some opportunities just can’t and shouldn’t be squandered.

While Kitty Pryde succeeds in taking advantage of that opportunity, Wolverine certainly wishes she had done it sooner because Lady Deathstrike still had plenty of time to rough his ass up. She even took out one of his eyes. It’s the kind of injury that would even send the toughest badass to the emergency room in search of some morphine or at least some prescription weed. But Kitty Pryde came prepared, knowing Wolverine has a talent for letting himself get fucked up. She brought with her something called regen serum, which sounds like a cheap item from World of Warcraft. But it works. It helps Wolverine heal, eye and all. It works so well that it feels like the biggest cop out since the Sopranos finale.

Now I understand why this was done. Wolverine still needs to stay alive just long enough to kick the ass of whoever put the bounty on his head. And unlike some people, he can’t expect Roger Goddell to come down on some petty bit of justice. So now the Marvel universe apparently has this regen serum shit. We don’t know where it came from, who made it, or if it has the kind of side-effects that include rectal swelling. It’s just thrown in to keep Wolverine going. Yes, it’s more contrived than a Tyler Perry movie, but it does serve a purpose here and it’s not more egregious than it needs to be.

Once he’s healed up, he and Kitty Pryde head off to Japan so they can catch up. Let’s face it, Madirpoor is for people who want to party in a place that’s less conservative than Tijuana. It’s not known for peace and quiet. Japan, ignoring all the anime porn and crazy game shows, is much more inviting. It makes for a nice moment where Wolverine fills Kitty in on his investigation, all the way up to what Lady Deathstrike revealed in the previous issue. I’m sure there was a conversation about her working with the O5 X-men and whether Cyclops is keeping his hands off O5 Jean, but it’s not the most pressing issue.

What makes the conversation more meaningful than a glorified synopsis is how Wolverine gets a little emo at one point. He starts wondering if this bounty on his head is just the beginning for how he’ll spend the rest of his painfully mortal life. He even contemplates saving them the trouble and making sure nobody gets that bounty. It’s the first time since James Mangold’s shitty movie where he’s been downright suicidal. Kitty Pryde scolds him for it, but it works in that it shows how willing Wolverine is to accept his mortality. In a mini called “Death of Wolverine,” that sort of thing should be a given.

It quickly stops getting emo and gets way more creepy when Kitty Pryde stops being supportive and tries to jump his bone. It’s actually not quite as creepy as it sounds, even though I know it’s probably the subject of at least a dozen pieces of smut fan fiction. Actually, it’s not Kitty trying to jump his bone. It’s Ogun, the disembodied spirit that Lady Deathstrike warned him about in the previous issue. He’s somehow found a way to possess Kitty Pryde and now he wants to use her to kill and maybe hump Wolverine. Okay, maybe that’s actually a lot creepier.

Whatever the perversions, it leads to a nicely detailed fight. In the process Ogun actually reveals that Kitty originally came to Japan looking for him and that’s when he possessed her. So was in control even when she showed up to beat up Lady Deathstrike. I’m pretty sure getting possessed by Ogun is right up there with being mugged by a transvestite hooker in terms of ways to fuck up a trip. And while Wolverine is usually pretty reluctant to hurt his students, he does make exceptions for assholes like Ogun.

The battle eventually takes them into a shrine where Wolverine channels his inner Akira Kurasowa fan. Again, it just wouldn’t be an epic Wolverine story if he didn’t get to play Samurai at one point. It allows him and Ogun to clash with swords in ways that should make certain anime fans very horny. The action isn’t quite as visceral as his previous battle with Lady Deathstrike. Nobody gets an eye taken out or any brutal shit like that. Part of that is because Kitty Pryde doesn’t really like being controlled by a disembodied spirit and Wolverine notices this. He’s not going to get her to cut out Wolverine’s other eye because he apparently doesn’t know that tough, stubborn women can’t be controlled. Some people are just really slow learners I guess.

Eventually, Kitty Pryde is able to force him out, but he ends up jumping into another body. That means he doesn’t have time to treat her to some noodles and a Japanese spa. But before he goes after him, Kitty drops some new info for Wolverine that really hurls the shit towards the fan. While Ogun was controlling her and presumably jerking off whenever she had to go to the bathroom, she picked up on a familiar name, Abraham Cornelius. It’s a name that is to Wolverine what environmental regulations are to oil companies.

It’s also a name that changes the undertones of the story itself. It’s one thing for Wolverine to just run around and clash with old enemies like Sabretooth, Viper, and Lady Deathstrike. But Abraham Cornelius is a different kind of enemy. He’s the one who opened the many holes through which Wolverine has been fucked throughout his life. He helped make Wolverine who he is and not just by giving him metal bones. Him being a part of this makes it far more emotional than any battle with Sabretooth can ever be.

But before he can get to Cornelius, Wolverine has to deal with Ogun first. He tracks him down to some dirty chemical factory because so many stories about death and tragedy have to take place in a dirty factory of some kind. When he finds him, Ogun has already killed Cyber and is now possessing some guy in a suit with a devil mask. He could almost be mistaken for a tobacco lobbyist. But instead of daring him to go skinny dipping in a tank of acid, Ogun reveals what Cornelius has been up to. He’s the one who put out the bounty and he’s become somewhat of a hoarder for all things Weapon X related. It makes me wish that some people would stick to hoarding toe nails, paper clips, and cats.

Ogun actually ends up being both useful and cunning in a very asshole kind of way. First, he gives Wolverine the location of Cornelius’ facility, thereby saving him the trouble of slaughtering everyone in the Pacific Rim to get to him. Then, he orders that Wolverine skip the part where he tries to beat his spirit out of some stranger and just leave. If he doesn’t, he’ll just kill the innocent guy he’s possessed and shrug it off the same way Chuck Norris shrugs off stubbed toe.

It’s not just to fuck with Wolverine either. It’s purely survival. Ogun admits that possessing Kitty Pryde took it out of him. Let’s face it, dealing with difficult young women will take it out of anybody, disembodied or otherwise. If Wolverine just leaves, he’ll survive to fight another day. He’s a real pussy, but he’s smart enough to not pick fights he can’t win. Wolverine accepts, even rejecting the offer of more regen serums to sweeten the deal. Apparently, he doesn’t want to take on Cornelius without shedding a little blood. It just wouldn’t be badass enough, even if it might save his life.

Now Wolverine has Cornelius’ location and Ogun can go back to possessing cute school girls when they’re taking a shower. It makes for one really creepy final shot of Cornelius and in a comic that already had Kitty Pryde trying to hump Wolverine, that’s saying something. Cornelius has to know that putting a bounty on Wolverine’s head means he’s going to have to face him at some point. Unless he has a death wish, he’s going to prepare for it. So the guy who gave Wolverine his metal bones is now set to be the guy who takes him down. I don’t know if that counts as karma, but it’s as fitting as it is creepy.

So the stage is now set for Wolverine’s final battle and shockingly enough, the guy he’s up against isn’t Sabretooth. That’s a major relief because the recent onslaught of Wolverine/Sabretooth fights has flooded the market to Justin Bieber-level proportions. And like the last five Adam Sandler movies, they’ve all been very disappointing. This fight promises to be different. This fight promises to pit Wolverine against the asshole most responsible for creating him, Abraham Cornelius. It feels fitting because in many ways, this guy did way more to shape Wolverine’s life than a dozen Sabretooths, but they’ve never had a chance to resolve their differences in that classic, brutal, Wolverine-type way. He’s had to go through ex-wives, old rivals, and former students to get to this fight. Now it’s almost upon us and this issue at the very least made it feel like it might not suck. Death of Wolverine #3 gets an 7 out of 10. I’ve got the beer in the cooler. I’ve got the cute red-headed hookers paid for and ready. Wolverine, my friend, your arrangements are complete. Now go kick this old geezers ass and go out in the most awesome way possible. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Death of Wolverine #2

Everybody has a way in which they hope to leave this world. Personally, my ideal death involves a tub full of whiskey, a naked Jessica Alba, and several large bacon and extra cheese pizzas. I’m not sure exactly how each of those things would be utilized. But I’m confident that if they’re all present at the time of my death, then I’ll be able to say I died happy. In that sense, the only similarity Wolverine and I probably share in our ideal passing is a tub of whiskey. But for the moment, that’s a secondary death wish because he’s entering what will likely be his last struggle, at least until sales dip low enough to warrant a retcon. He’s gotten a shitty prognosis from Reed Richards. He just found out that Viper has put a price on his head the size of a Powerball jackpot. Not having his healing factor is finally set to kick his ass for one last time. The countdown to him finally dry-humping the grim reaper continues in Death of Wolverine #2. I just hope at some point somebody close to him prepares the whiskey and the tub.

If indeed Wolverine’s ticket to unlimited nap time is about to get punched, then it makes sense that he take advantage of what time he has left. Naturally, that attracts him to Madripoor. It’s like Las Vegas, the way people wish it were where cops still bust hookers and harass potheads. In other words, it’s the closest thing Wolverine is probably going to get to heaven. So as he starts searching for Viper, the asshole that put the price on his head that Nuke tried to collect in the previous issue, he finds a way to squeeze in a trip to Madripoor. It’s not just a great place to do the kind of shady business that involves hitmen and ninjas. It’s a great place for cheap beer and reasonably priced prostitutes. In that sense I guess Wolverine and I have similar concepts of heaven.

Now in a ridiculous disguise that makes him look like Tom Cruise on a cocaine bender, he makes contact with Koro, one of Viper’s many male bitches. He must not have seen Mission Impossible because he doesn’t see through Wolverine’s disguise. He just sees a guy with a goofy beard getting cute with a pretty blond and a pretty redhead. I guess by Madripoor standards, Wolverine is blending in perfectly. The fact that it’s probably the same thing he would do on a Thursday night is just a bonus.

He claims he has something of value worth selling to Viper and he’s been jumping through all the necessary hoops to see her. I imagine it’s like trying to get an interview with one of the Koch brothers, but that only gives him more time for booze and hookers. Again, it’s a nice bonus. It also keeps Wolverine in character. To say that he’s not a convincing arms dealer would be like saying Kristen Stewart’s acting is a little flat. He’s not Tony fucking Stark. He’s Wolverine. But being in Madripoor, it sets up an environment where this sort of deal isn’t as fucked up as it sounds.

So what could Wolverine possibly be selling that could get him a meeting with Viper? The man does have connections. He could have Captain America’s shield, Nick Fury’s eye-patch, or Emma Frost’s panties. While I’m sure Emma’s panties would get quite a premium, he has something that’s just slightly more pragmatic in one of Iron Man’s old helmets. Koro, being a responsible underling, tests it to make sure it’s not a fake. I’m sure there are just as many fake knock-offs of Iron Man helmets as there are fake knock-offs Emma Frost panties. But it proves legit, giving Wolverine the leverage he needs. I still say that Emma Frost’s panties would have been just as useful.

Koro takes him to Viper, hoping that maybe she’ll let him cop a feel for getting quality merchandise. Unfortunately for him and his penis, Viper is not a dumbass because she sees right through Wolverine’s bullshit disguise. To be fair, Viper knows Wolverine a lot better in that she actually married the guy at some point, but only in the weakest Las Vegas style sense of the word. Koro can basically kiss his ass and his balls goodbye at this point, but he did his part.

Like any ordinary bitter ex-wife, Viper releases an army of armed underlings to attack Wolverine. I’m sure many bitter ex-wives wish they could do the same. However, it works about as well as a restraining order on a stalker. Wolverine takes care of these guys with so much ease I’m pretty sure he yawned at some point. I’m sure Viper did too because after he’s done maiming them, she just rolls her eyes and decides to be reasonable. And all it cost her was the lives of several underlings. Compared to the body count Wolverine usually leaves, I’d say that’s a bargain.

The talk is only partially productive in that Wolverine doesn’t find what he’s looking for. It turns out Viper isn’t the one who put a fuckton of money on his rotting corpse. He’s just a middleman with an awesome rack. She subcontracted the hit that Nuke tried to collect. She didn’t say much about who hired her other than he’s a real asshole who is really ambitious when it comes to being an asshole. Wolverine wants to know more. He should know by now that getting anything useful out of an ex-wife usually means going through an army of lawyers. But for him, that means going through Sabretooth, who Viper just so happens to have captured and poisoned so that she could keep him as a pet. I still say dealing with the lawyers would be far worse.

What follows is yet another horribly generic clash between Wolverine and Sabretooth. This comes after we had just such a clash in Wolverine #12, which was more underwhelming than Tony Romo’s last three seasons combined. This one isn’t quite as disappointing because it doesn’t waste 12 issues building it up. It’s just Wolverine and Sabretooth attacking one another. Unlike their last bullshit battle, Sabretooth actually gets a few hits on him, taking out one of Wolverine’s eyes. It’s not quite as satisfying as it sounds, but it’s far more visceral than any previous clash.

Now I get why Wolverine and Sabretooth keep clashing. Wolverine is dying and Sabretooth wants to be the first one to piss on his corpse. I also get why they don’t outright maim each other. Their battles are like rivalry games in college football. They’re a guilty pleasure that we all enjoy to some extent, but they rare turn out as epic as we hope. Not every game can be last year’s match between Alabama and Auburn. This is another case where Wolverine and Sabretooth just fight for the sake of adding a little extra blood. It’s not terribly epic, nor is it intended to be. But it’s understandable why it’s added.

This time, however, the clash doesn’t end with some bullshit kick to the balls or punch in the jaw. This time, Wolverine gets an assist before he loses another eye and it comes from Lady Deathstrike of all people. This is a woman who would probably pleasure herself to the sight of Wolverine and Sabretooth maiming each other. But she must have misplaced her vibrator because she takes down the chained and handicapped Sabretooth with ease. Now this is definitely more satisfying than seeing Wolverine and Sabretooth play out another one of their classic slap fights. Plus, it’s refreshing to see Sabretooth defeated by something more forceful than a fucking punch in the jaw.

The only thing that takes away from this satisfaction is that they let Sabretooth go. Now that doesn’t surprise me with Wolverine. He has a long history of just letting Sabretooth walk away, knowing he’s probably going to strangle a few puppies until they get to fight again. But Deathstrike surprises me and not just because she’s supposed to be the kind of vindictive woman who would rip out a man’s spine through his scrotum. She says his weakness saves him. I get that she has this crazy concept of honor and all, but even vindictive women aren’t that crazy.

Sabretooth’s undeserved mercy aside, Lady Deathstrike does actually have a reason for being there and it’s not just to pleasure herself while Wolverine suffers. Apparently, the same asshole who put a price on Wolverine’s head put one on her head as well. That keeps her from trying to crush Wolverine’s neck with her vagina while castrating him with her claws. For once, it seems like they’ll have to work together to save their own asses. It might even mean Wolverine can make peace with Lady Deathstrike before he cashes his chips in. It would be so fitting, which is exactly why it doesn’t happen.

As soon as Lady Deathstrike notices that Wolverine isn’t healing, she goes back to being Lady Deathstrike. But instead of slowly torturing him to death in ways that give her multiple orgasms, she intends to take his life and use it as leverage to take the hit off hers. It’s incredibly devious, but one that’s perfectly consistent with her history of being a vindictive bitch. Given her history with Wolverine, it’s fitting that she demonstrates this once more before he dies. Still doesn’t make up for her bullshit excuse for letting Sabretooth go.

But Lady Deathstrike doesn’t get a chance to be this devious. In a ridiculously random yet incredibly satisfying turn of events, Kitty Pryde shows up and phases right through Lady Deathstrike’s chest. It’s as contrived as it sounds, but not in a bad way. Kitty Pryde is another one of those characters who has a long history with Wolverine. And remarkably, she doesn’t want to kill him. It makes total sense for her to show up before he dies. It just doesn’t happen as naturally as it should. Even so, I’ll still find a way to enjoy Kitty Pryde pissing off Lady Deathstrike and I don’t even need weed, although it still helps.

At this point, I’m sure Wolverine misses his healing factor more than I miss college frat parties. The damage is really starting to pile up. Between his bones poisoning him to death and brawls with Sabretooth, he’s like a football player taking one too many concussions. It won’t be much longer before he’s a mindless drooling vegetable. Maybe that’s why he’s in such a hurry to get himself killed and bang as many Madripoor hookers as he can along the way. Whatever his reasons, his journey to dry hump the grim reaper had a nice sense of progression with this issue. Even though not much happened in the grand scheme of things and all the bloody fights ended on technicalities, it still moved the story forward in a meaningful way, just not by much. That’s really all that can say about this issue. It’s not the climactic battle, but it’s bloody as hell and Kitty Pryde shows up. That gives it some merit. I give Death of Wolverine #2 a 6 out of 10. It’s not terribly compelling, but it is entertaining. Even as he nears death, Wolverine finds a way to beat up Sabretooth and hook up with a couple of hot girls. All I can say to that is damn, I’m going to miss him for however long Marvel keeps him dead. I’m sure all the hookers and bartenders in Madripoor are going to miss him even more. Nuff said!

Making Death Matter: Death of Wolverine #1

The following is my review of Death of Wolverine #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Over the years, death in comic books has become about as relevant as Lex Luthor's barber. It has gotten to a point where funerals in comics might as well double as goth club meeting. People show up, act all sad and depressed, and just pretend they'll never be happy again until the inevitable retcon/resurrection. People can joke and complain all they want about these kinds of stories. Yes, they are gimmicks. Yes, they are overdone. However, they have one quality that makes them viable. They trigger enough of an emotional reaction to get fans to buy it. So long as people enjoy making money from comics, these sorts of stories will continue.

That's not to say that stories surrounding death can't be good. What sets stories like Death of Superman apart from stories like Final Crisis is extent to which it creates an emotional impact. That is what has allowed deaths like Gwen Stacy and Ben Parker to have such a compelling influence on the overall narrative. Conversely, it is also what has led to the cheapening of death with the likes of Jean Grey and Bucky Barnes, but the emotional impact still matters. And Death of Wolverine #1 attempts to lay the foundation for that impact. The results are not conclusive, but they are promising.

Wolverine has been functioning without his healing factor for nearly a year now. It has gotten to a point where he seems to have gotten a handle on things. He's shown that he can continue to be the best there is at what he does without relying on his healing factor. However, this issue establishes that the sheer rigor that comes along with killing armies of ninjas, fighting Sabretooth to the death every other month, and drowning enough whiskey to kill half the Scottish army is taking its toll. He's not given a death sentence just yet. But Reed Richards does warn him that if were as young as he looked, then he probably wouldn't live long enough to collect Social Security.

The extent of this toll is the main highlight of this issue. Wolverine isn't his normal brutish self, treating the advice of his doctor the same way Homer Simpson treats advice from his nutritionist. There are powerful moments that show just how much just being Wolverine is wearing on him. He can no longer be the tenacious fighter that helped him survive two World Wars and two separate runs on X-men by Chris Claremont. For the first time in his long history, Wolverine is nearing his physical and mental limits. It's a strange yet compelling spectacle. It's not unlike Brett Favre's final season where his physical limitations finally caught up to his passions.

While this sets a clear tone for the overall narrative, it does feel somewhat muted at times. Wolverine might be ailing without his healing factor, but there isn't much depth given to the extent of that ailment. He still snarls, spits, and swears like anyone would expect him to. He also still fights, even when it's not in his best interests to do so. But when he has to confront multiple threats that now know he's vulnerable, there isn't a genuine sense of struggle.

Now normally, it wouldn't be reasonable to expect such a struggle from Wolverine. This is a man who treats a sudden attack from AIM or the Hand the same way most people treat a hangnail. But when someone like Nuke comes along hoping to collect a fat bounty on his head, the struggle feels a bit too much like it would if he still had his healing. It might be a typical Tuesday for Wolverine prior to losing his healing, but that's exactly why a greater sense of struggle is so important to the narrative.

That's not to say Wolverine's struggles in this issue don't have an impact. The battles he fights here are just preludes to a much larger battle that's being funded by the same person who put the bounty on Wolverine's head. It nicely establishes what is set to be Wolverine's final battle, at least until his inevitable resurrection and return. At the moment, it's nothing too novel or radical. But it does hit the right emotional chords, albeit not all of them.

But that's where the whole Death of Wolverine concept is fatally flawed. It might not even be possible to hit all those emotional chords because the revolving door that is death in comics ensures that Wolverine is not going to stay dead indefinitely. No matter what Marvel claims, it a bad business practice to throw away such a valuable asset. DC did it with Superman and cashed in. And if Marvel can't even keep Bucky Barnes dead, then there's little chance they'll be able to keep Wolverine dead.

Even if Wolverine's death is destined to be temporary, the story in Death of Wolverine #1 offers a compelling foundation for an emotionally charged story. This firmly established to be Wolverine's final battle, at least for a while. Like the movie Snakes on a Plane, there is little ambiguity with respect to the content of the story. The success or failure of the story hinges on its ability to generate the right emotional impact. It might not be possible to evoke all right emotions due to the nature of death in comics, but this issue does succeed in laying the foundation. It might be a foundation built on unstable shores, but it's one that could still support a strong story.

Final Score: 7 out of 10