Old, Gruff, and Gritty: Old Man Logan #46

The following is my review of Old Man Logan #46, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

It's never easy watching a beloved friend or family member succumb to the ravages of age. It's an inescapable fact of life, but if there's anyone who has a chance to escape, it's Wolverine. He's not supposed to age, decline, or lose his sex appeal. This is a man who survived having the adamantium ripped from his bones by Magneto, endured multiple battles with Apocalypse, and kept his dignity after the Punisher ran him over with a steamroller. However, it's because he's not supposed to get old that Old Man Logan has such unique appeal.

He's a version of Wolverine who is losing his battle against the ravages of time. He can still heal, but he can't be the same hero he's always been. Moreover, he can never be that hero again. His body and his spirit just won't allow it. That version of Wolverine is buried in the past. This version is looking less and less capable with each passing day.

Since taking over the series, Ed Brisson has been guiding Old Man Logan into the proverbial twilight of his story and there's a growing sense that the end is near for him. He can't heal like he used to. He can't fight with the same ferocity that once made him so dangerous. He's an old man and there's only so much he can heal from. On top of that, the adamantium in his bones is poisoning him so his clock is ticking faster than most.

It's a rare and difficult story to tell, an iconic hero getting older and less capable. Old Man Logan tells that story well and with Old Man Logan #46, Brisson takes him one step closer to the inevitable, but not before putting him in position to be the best there is at what he does. That also includes him teaming up with old allies, such as Alpha Flight. It's one of Wolverine's oldest affiliations that doesn't involve clones or other living weapons. It's somewhat fitting because Alpha Flight prepared him for the X-men. Now, they're helping him prepare for his final days.

The tone of the story is not as somber as it could've been. Old Man Logan is not necessarily broken up about his declining health. He's not dreading the dwindling time he has left or that the mainline version of Wolverine is coming back to take his space. Brisson presents Old Man Logan as a man resigned to his fate, but not in a way that feels grim. He's still Wolverine. He'll still throw himself into the middle of a battle and stab things, as only he can.

It does, however, create a unique backdrop for the part of the story that requires fighting and claws. It's a fairly generic situation by Alpha Flight standards. There's a small town in Canada that has been overrun by some purple alien plant monster. Not much is known or revealed about it, but it gives Old Man Logan and Alpha Flight a reason to team up. It has the common themes of an old school monster movie, complete with mysterious origins for the monster and brutal deaths for innocent townspeople.

By Wolverine standards, it's basically a typical Tuesday. However, a good chunk of the story is dedicated to reinforcing just how little time Old Man Logan has left. There's even one revealing scene between him and Puck where he reveals something that few versions of Wolverine would ever admit without the influence of powerful psychics.

It's not just that he can't heal and the adamantium in his body is killing him. He's tired. His exact words are, "I'm just so tired." He knows he's not the man he used to be. He also knows that if he keeps fighting like a young man version of Logan, people are going to get hurt, namely those cares about. He's at a point in his illustrious, brutal life where he's just ready to go. It's one of those things people expect old men to say, but not Logan.

Puck and the rest of Alpha Flight don't have a chance to respond, which is understandable when they're fighting an alien plant monster. Damian Couceiro manages to include some solemn reactions through a dark, but appropriate art style. There's a clear sense that Alpha Flight isn't just brushing Old Man Logan's dire condition off. They just don't get an opportunity to confront him about it and Old Man Logan makes clear that he doesn't want to talk about it.

This does have a meaningful impact on the battle against the alien plant monster. If a younger, less tired version of Wolverine were involved, then the drama just isn't there. Old Man Logan #46 isn't just Wolverine fighting another space monster with his fellow Canadian heroes. Brisson creates a predicament where every growl, slash, and grunt is pushing Old Man Logan closer to the brink. He can't win they day by just going into a berserker rage and stabbing everything with a feral grin on his face. He has to fight knowing that he's not going to heal from the wounds he incurs like he used to.

That makes Old Man Logan #46 and every subsequent issue more dramatic beyond the alien plant monsters. This isn't just another tease about a major hero dying and setting up a subsequent resurrection story. This is a character who is ready to die and doesn't want to come back. He wants to fight whatever battles he can before walking off into the light to rejoin his family. It's sad on some levels, but refreshingly real in a way that is atypical of superhero comics, especially those involving Wolverine.

There are many times in Logan's vast, convoluted history where his healing factor has been damaged and his ability to survive any battle is in question. However, Old Man Logan sets himself apart by conceding to his vulnerabilities to some extent. There's no certainty that he'll heal from his condition because it has less to do with his powers and more to do with juts being an old man. It's solemn, but it's not tragic in the sense that Old Man Logan is ready to die. He's just not done stabbing things yet.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Mixing, Mashing, and Monsters: Weapon H #1

The following is my review of Weapon H #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In an era of reboots, remakes, and re-castings, the bar for what constitutes overdone or overused seems to rise every year. Taking a chance and trying something new is just too risky and expensive. It's safer and easier to go with an established trend, even if it means leeching off its popularity to a point where it's so intentional that no one bothers joking about it. While it may frustrate those hoping for something new, it's hard to argue the power of the market. As long as it sells, it doesn't matter how uncreative it seems.

On paper, Weapon H sounds like a concept that is 95 percent gimmick and only 5 percent story. It combines Wolverine and the Hulk. The results are exactly what they sound like. In the pages of Weapon X, it emerges as a daunting threat from people who still aren't convinced that any effort to create a living weapon in the Marvel universe is anything other than an elaborate death wish. The idea that anything anything good could come from combining Wolverine and the Hulk sounds like the kind of thinking that requires repeated head trauma from Juggernaut.

Even if the concept seems basic and shallow, it somehow finds a way to be compelling. Greg Pak, who created Weapon H in the pages of Weapon X, uses the full range of his X-men and Hulk pedigrees to create a character who deserves to be more than just a gimmick. Weapon H is one of those characters that anyone who believes that Wolverine and the Hulk are too exposed can find an excuse to discount.

However, Pak finds a way to set Weapon H up for a compelling story that starts to unfold in Weapon H #1. It's story that has to take chances by being based on such a simple premise, combining Wolverine and the Hulk into a single character. It faces more obstacles than most in its effort to be compelling. Combined with the art of Cory Smith, it has more going for it than the concept may suggest.

In one issue, it establishes a narrative and a character that never feels too much like the Hulk or too much like Wolverine. Pak goes out of his way to put Weapon H on his own path. It's not entirely unique in that there are some elements that Hulk and Wolverine fans alike will recognize, but the story never feels too familiar or predictable beyond the messy monster battles. That's one element that can never be overdone.

Fighting monsters, however, is a very small part of the story in Weapon H #1. It may be too small to some extent, but necessary in order to establish who Weapon H and his alter ego, Clay, is in this story. He's not the smart, yet meek man with anger management issues like Bruce Banner. He's not a hard-drinking, womanizing brute like Wolverine either. He's a trained soldier who made the mistake of thinking a living weapons program wouldn't screw him over and leave him with lasting scars.

However foolish that assumption might seem to anyone who knows anything about the history of living weapons in the Marvel universe, Clay still carries himself like an honorable man and a dutiful soldier. These same traits are what helped him survive the events in Weapons of Mutant Destruction that play out in Weapon X and Totally Awesome Hulk. They're also what motivates his actions in this new phase of his story.

Clay is hardened at this point. He knows he's a target and not just because living weapons tend to draw out the worst kinds of people for the worst reasons. He also knows there are plenty of things that need smashing and stabbing. He doesn't put on a cape or a goofy costume and go out looking for it. He understands it's bound to come to him, which is why he tries to keep a low profile. He works odd jobs, pretending he doesn't speak English or Spanish. He avoids populated areas or established trails. He basically does what Bruce Banner does, but without as much whining.

That, in and of itself, makes Clay and Weapon H more appealing. His situation is bad, but he doesn't spend half his story lamenting or complaining about it. He's a trained soldier. He grits his teeth and toughs it out, fighting whatever problems come his way, including the non-monster variety. At a time when many soldiers aren't given the Captain America treatment, Clay's story feels more real, even when he eventually has to fight a monster.

To some extent, that kind of realism undercuts the monster-fighting spectacle of the story. A good chunk of that story is dedicated to telling the story Clay's family, who think he's dead. This is where the overall flow of the narrative loses some momentum. There's an effort to establish drama among Clay's wife and kids, but it comes off as flat. Their moments take away valuable time from what could otherwise be utilized for fighting monsters.

Along with Clay's family, there's another sub-plot involving Roxxon, one of the few organizations in the Marvel universe that are bold or foolish enough to get involved in living weapons. While there's a legitimate reasons within the context of the story as to why they would be interested in a claw-wielding Hulk, it only comes off as some generic evil plot from a James Bond villain. If nothing else, Roxxon gives Weapon H something other than monsters to smash.

There's certainly plenty of potential for smashing in Weapon H, as a whole. Clay's story is just beginning. Both Pak and Smith lay a solid foundation for a character who could easily be overlooked as just another rip-off/mash-up. However, Weapon H never attempts to replace the Hulk, Wolverine, or any other character. He doesn't even attempt to subvert their stories in pursuit of his own. He tries to chart his own path within the Marvel universe. That shouldn't be such a novel concept, but it's frustratingly rare in the current era of superhero saturation.

There's enough appeal with Clay and Weapon H to make the story in Weapon H #1 feel compelling. While there are plenty of familiar elements derived from established characters, Pak succeeds in making the story feel unique and personal. It just doesn't have enough spectacle or monsters to feel exciting or nuanced. That can certainly change, but he's going to have to fight more monsters if he wants to catch up to Wolverine and the Hulk.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Origins II #1

I know I give Wolverine a hard time on this blog. Sometimes it seems like I take an extra bong hit and jerk off every time Wolverine makes an ass of himself or gets upstaged by Cyclops in the comics, but that's not the case. I take an extra bong hit and jerk off for whatever the fuck reason I want, thank you very much. But lately, a lot of Wolverine's story has been tied up in his work with the Jean Grey Institute, his constant bickering with Cyclops, and a supremely shitty movie that basically turned him into Edward Cullen without the sparkling. It's easy to forget that Wolverine is still one of the most awesome comic book characters ever. I certainly haven't forgotten and given all the brain cells I've killed over the years, nobody has any excuse. So I did even more extra bong hits when I heard that Kieron Gillen was returning to the X-books to write a sequel to Wolverine Origins, a mini-series by Paul Jenkins that any self-respecting Wolverine fan needs to own. It basically goes back to the very shit that made Wolverine so awesome in the first place. For that and many other reasons, reading and reviewing Origins II #1 was a reminder that awesome still exists in an era where Bryan Singer has fucked Wolverine up for a generation of comic book fans.

At this point in his life, James Howlett, the man who would become the Wolverine that Hugh Jackman would use to soak the panties of female X-men fans, has ditched a typical human life. Wolverine has just killed Rose, the woman who established the precedent for him falling in love with pretty redheads that didn't love him back. It also set the precedent for him stabbing pretty redheads, but that's not the point here. Her death basically drove him batshit with guilt because at this point in his life, he hadn't gotten used to killing people. Just wait until he tears through hoards of Weapon X soldiers and Hydra agents. He'll learn to kill with a goddamn smile and a boner, but he's just not there yet. It follows closely after the events of the first Origins, which may be jarring to some since that shit came out over a decade ago. But it's not Marvel's fault that many people have attention spans only as long as Miley Cyrus's last music video.

Now in the wild and wiping his ass with leaves, he spends his day hunting down other weaker animals for food in the wild Canadian wilderness. And he even does it while wearing nothing but a fucking loin cloth. At temperatures that would cause most peoples' nuts to fall off, he's as comfortable as Pamela Anderson at a fake tits convention. He's not Weapon X yet. He's not an X-men yet. He's not even Wolverine yet. He's living as an animal, ruled by instinct and survival. He's basically a proto-Wolverine and yet he's still as awesome as the man he later becomes.

But the story isn't just pre-Wolverine hunting for food in his underwear. That would be a pretty boring ass story, except for women who are tired of masturbating to Tarzan wannabes. Throughout this issue, there's sort of an over-arching narration. It's not Wolverine's thoughts. It's not clear who the fuck it is, but it doesn't have to be anyone. It helps explain a situation that would otherwise be just a guy hanging out with a pack of wolves. This isn't the fucking Jungle Book. This is Wolverine and his story with these wolves would not make the cut in a crappy Disney G-rated movie.

These wolves are basically Wolverine's new family. Having reverted to his most primal instincts, he now gets along quite nicely with equally primal animals, like wolves. The wolf even has a name, Grey Scar. It sounds like the name of a heavy metal band, shady pharmaceutical company, or a fucked up scar that Jackie Chan probably had at some point in his career. But it's still a badass name for a wolf. And this wolf is basically the head of a pack that has adopted Wolverine as one of its own. So yes, it is a lot like the Jungle Book, but the Jungle Book never showed anyone gutting a dear and gorging on its blood. That shit is just too PG-13 for Disney's tastes, but it gets the point across. Wolverine has built a new life with a new family. That life is still violent and bloody, but it's awesomely fitting.

Everything seems to be going well. It's a simple life devoid of redheads incessantly cock-teasing him, asshole adopted fathers, and shitty adopted brothers like Dog Logan making his life miserable. It's one of those "back to nature" moments that's meant to make us long for a simpler existence that doesn't require us to pay taxes, work in cubicles, or stand in line at the DMV. It sounds good on paper, but it sucks for everyone who doesn't have Wolverine's ability to heal and his ability to be a badass hunter.

However, in the same way he tends to give the finger to Cyclops, Captain America, and anyone else who tries to give him orders, he goes against the sentiment of his pack when they come across a large white bear. His pack leaves it while Wolverine decides to investigate. Considering a bear is big and strong enough to maul three normal men and six adult wolves, its a clear sign of human stupidity that would make Charles Darwin himself bang his head against the wall. Wolverine just has to tempt natural selection and look into this mysterious bear. It's clear what's so fucking special about this bear. The narration is a big vague and nobody even says a fucking word in this comic. So it's a story that has to be processed with a sober mind sadly.

As Wolverine stalks the bear, he makes Charles Darwin bang his head against the wall for another set of reasons. He finds out that the bear isn't exactly Winnie the Pooh or a disgruntled circus bear for that matter. It's just hungry as fuck and apparently a really shitty hunter. Natural selection is already poised to send this bear to the same place it sent a T-Rex, but Wolverine took pity on it in a way a pack of hungry wolves never would. He tried to help it by leaving it fruit, but he might as well have tried to serve light beer to Ozzy Osborne. It just wasn't going to do the trick. He eventually gives up and returns to his pack, but it shows that he's still more man than wolf, albeit with some of the stupider tendencies in men.

I don't know if this is a metaphor for how shitty human beings are at fending for themselves in the wild or if this is just a sign of Wolverine's capacity for making shitty mistakes because of his instincts. This is where not having any fucking dialog sort of makes the story confusing. The message is still clear and it's still much more compelling than a typical story of Wolverine decapitating several Hydra henchmen. It's just too vague, especially for those of us who don't read comics sober. And I'm pretty sure that counts as discrimination in some states.

Whatever the message, the story continues to play out through the eyes of a wolf pack. A few days go by. All is happy with Wolverine and his wolf family. They cuddle, lick each other's hair, maul unsuspecting prey, and mark their territory with their piss. I imagine Led Zepplin used to do the same thing with their groupies. But then one day they're out in the forest hunting when one of the wolves howls out a distress call. Remember that bear that Wolverine took pity on? Well that bear didn't have much pity for him or his family. Once that bear found their den, he helped himself to all the sweet, succulent meat of the other wolves.

It's bloody, it's tragic, and it's definitely the kind of shit that would never make the cut in the Jungle Book. It's one of those things that shouldn't have an impact. I'm sure there are bears out there right now mauling entire packs of wolf cubs, but this has an impact because so much time has been spent making readers give a damn about Wolverine and his wolf family. And it fucking worked. Anyone who saw Bambi as a kid might have painful flashbacks, but that's nothing a few extra bong hits can't help.

Needless to say, Wolverine is pretty pissed off. He just got done killing a pretty girl he really cares about and who may or may not eventually let him touch her boobs. Now this new family that he cares about just got mauled by some douche-bag creature that he actually tried to help. It's as if karma took the form of a hooker and an IRS agent and proceeded to fuck Wolverine over in the worst possible ways. It leads to some much more visceral action that we're supposed to all associate with Wolverine. It's still the kind of bloody shit that Animal Planet goes to great lengths to water down, but it highlights a basic primal reaction from a guy who runs on basic primal action like I run on whiskey. It seems a little too basic, but it works because this is still a man in the process of becoming Wolverine.

That process gets sped up pretty damn quickly. This isn't as simple as just pouncing on a deer, slitting its throat, and gorging on the bloody flesh that comes off the bone. This is a fucking bear that just got its fill of baby wolves. It's like fighting Mike Tyson after he has done six lines of blow. And this is a Wolverine that doesn't have adamantium bones or any significant combat training. So it's not as fair a fight as it would be if it took place on one of Wolverine's off-days from pissing off Cyclops and Captain America. He gets more bloodied than Rocky after 10 rounds with Ivan Drago. It's bloody, but it's pretty fucking awesome. It goes on for multiple pages with some very graphic and very very well-drawn carnage. Again, it's basic and detailed to the point of being excessive. There's no words or narration. It's just Wolverine fighting a bear. That's pretty damn awesome in and of itself, but it's not going to soak anyone's panties.

When the fighting eventually ends, there are no winners. It's like getting Rick James and Chris Brown high on crack and unleashing them in a Tijuana whore house. Nothing good could possibly come of it. The bear is dead. Wolverine is more bloodied than the entire cast of Saving Private Ryan at the end. And his wolf family is still dead. Maybe this is another metaphor for Wolverine's life. He fights and bloodies everyone that fucks with him, but in the end it doesn't undo how badly he is fucked over or bring back the loved ones he has lost. It's pretty fucking depressing in the grand scheme of things. Then again, Wolverine has had a pretty depressing life and this isn't even top 10. But it still gets the point across. It's a little esoteric for those just wanting to read a story about Wolverine fighting and killing things. Those are the same people that give Michael Bay no incentive to include some actual fucking story in his movies. So fuck those people.

It is depressing, but it still feels satisfying. While Wolverine is lying bloodied and battered, the lone wolf that had been stalking his family's den earlier dropped by to scavenge on the corpses. He stabs the little shit in the head before he can get the satisfaction. That lone wolf is probably the least sympathetic character in the entire story, but one that might as well be Wolverine in the future. Given all the lone wolfing he's done, he is setting himself up to really hate himself. It ends in the same way the previous Origins ended, with him surrounded in a pool of blood from his loved ones. It's the all too tragic story of Wolverine's life and while it's hard to feel too bad for a guy who grows up to bone Mystique and Storm, it's a story that should remind people why Wolverine is so awesome in the first place.

So there was no talking in this comic. There was only the kind of narration that came off as a mix between Morgan Freeman and Martin Sheen. But that's okay because this issue was a massive exercise in action speaking louder than words. I know everybody hears that shit from their boss, their girlfriend, their parents, or their parole officer. More often than not, it's just a polite way of calling someone a lazy dipshit. However, in this instance, it conveyed a special kind of insight into the twisted psyche that is Wolverine. At his heart, he is an animal. He functions like an animal and this was a period in his life where he ditched the human world completely and embraced the animal. And in many ways, being an animal offered many parallels to being human. I don't know if that's just a hidden message that humans are a pack of blood-thirsty wolves at the end of the day, but it makes for a great story and one that has a touch of heart. PETA lovers may cry and vomit. Wolverine fans may cry and cheer. For that reason, I give Origins II #1 a 7 out of 10. It doesn't do much or do anything for Wolverine's character that hasn't been done before, but it does make him awesome again. It's like reminding someone it's still possible to jerk off to old episodes of Charlie's Angels. It's not just nostalgia. It just shows that some shit never stops being awesome. Nuff said!

Savage Wolverine #2 - Baited Awesome

Beautiful women can be a confusing mix of contrasts to both a man's brain and his penis. Some of them claim they want to be appreciated more for their personality and intellect than their tits and ass. Some claim there's too much pressure for them to look beautiful, whereas butt-ugly rock stars and Hugh Hefner can still get more pussy than a door-to-door gynecologist. Yet I've often been extremely confused when some of the women make these arguments while wearing push-up bras and thong underwear.

Now I know I'm going to have my balls busted by angry feminists who think this generation of men should pay for the bullshit generations past, but men and women are wired differently. I know. That's not politically correct and anyone who says that is brushed off as someone who listens to Sean Hannity too much. But as someone who fantasizes about Sean Hannity and men like him suffering endless bouts of explosive diarrhea, I can say without hesitation that I'm not against all the tenants of feminism. I just acknowledge the cold hard fact that men are wired differently than women. They cherish the visual appeals of big breasts, a tight ass, and lips that you could use as a pool toy.

It's this visual appeal that makes characters like Shanna the She-Devil in the pages of Savage Wolverine so appealing. Wolverine's name may be in the title, but you can guarantee that the male readers of this book will scrutinize the images of Frank Cho's artwork on Shanna far more than they will with Wolverine. They'll do it for the same reason they'll buy a subscription to Sports Illustrated only to get the swimsuit issue. While the brain does most of the thinking, the penis has power of attorney. It's for that reason that the premise of a Wolverine story that involves him teaming up with Shanna has so much appeal and makes plenty of sense. Wolverine is a battle hardened survivor with a feral side while Shanna is a battle hardened survivor with a feral side and tits. Feminists may not like it, but you can't fuck with that sort of logical coherence unless you're a creationist.

Savage Wolverine #1 took Wolverine away from his duties at the Jean Grey Institute and the Avengers and brought him back to his roots. He found himself in the unforgiving landscape of the Savage Land where a couple of SHIELD agents enlisted help from Shanna to locate alien artifacts on a forbidden island. Well, this artifact clearly didn't want to be found because it led them to crash land in the middle of the fucking jungle where a tribe of blood-thirsty (and possibly racist) savages want to carve off their skin and sacrifice it to their bull god. The SHIELD agents didn't stand a chance, but Shanna and Wolverine's paths eventually crossed and now they're in it together. They hadn't had a chance to bone yet, but you definitely get the sense it's on their to-do list.

But before any boning can be contemplated, a new complication enters the conflict and that complication’s name is Amadeus Cho. If it sounds rather random to anyone who hasn’t been reading Hulk comics, it is. I guess the brutal slaughter of the SHIELD agents in the previous issue left a void that threatened Marvel’s usual slaughter quota. But Cho is a very odd and very different choice compared to the SHIELD agents and that’s a good thing. For one, it means we don’t have to read the same damn story of a bunch of unfortunate agents shitting themselves as they try to survive in a brutal jungle with racist archetypes chasing them in hopes of using their blood as anal lube. We don’t get much of an explanation on why he ended up in the Savage Land, but then again we didn’t get much explanation on why Wolverine ended up there as well so at least the plot gaps are consistent. And if you do happen to be racist or an avid listener of Rush Limbaugh, you should enjoy watching a bunch of jungle savages try in vain to beat Cho with sticks.

We then finally pick up where the last issue left off, which was basically Wolverine plummeting to the jungle floor after being mauled by a pterodactyl. I know it’s usually wrong to feel a certain level of glee in someone’s misfortune, even if they are fictional, but since Wolverine can heal I don’t think it will make Jesus cry. And like the previous issue, Frank Cho uses some internal monologues with Wolverine to help give a better description of the pain he’s in. For a man with serious anger issues and an inability to tame his penis around married women, his thoughts are pretty coherent. Wolverine may be in a fuckton of comics, but we rarely see this kind of narration so it helps give this series something unique. But as articulate as his thoughts may be, it eventually drifts back to hot women with nice tits. He remembers Shanna is in trouble and for her sake and that of his penis, he ignores the pain and runs off to help her.

This is usually where you expect to get all badass and be that character that so many fans complain is overexposed. You assume he’ll swoop in, save the day, shed plenty of blood, and soak the panties of any woman within a half-mile radius. In a comic with Wolverine’s name in the title, it’s hard not to expect that shit. But that actually doesn’t happen this time. Instead, Frank Cho adopts this radical idea that a guy who just fell from the sky with poor impulse control and no sense of strategy actually might not fare too well against an army of hungry pterodactyls. While he manages to catch up with Shanna, who is still in one piece while battling these hungry creatures that make creationists cry, he does a shitty job of fighting them off. He only manages to get himself hurt even more. It takes Shanna picking up a gun left by a SHIELD agent and shooting them before Wolverine’s ego and balls are permanently wounded.

This may sound like a rather unspectacular display of action, but it actually provides a different approach to Wolverine that doesn’t often get told in a world where so many of the writers at Marvel have a man-crush on Wolverine that would make any gay man jealous. Frank Cho actually shows Wolverine as being clumsy, incompetent, and overmatched. And this isn’t fucking Apocalypse he’s facing. These are just hungry dinosaurs. They’re just a level above the masked guards that James Bond uses as target practice. Yet it makes perfect sense that a man who vehemently hates guys like Cyclops who actually strategize and has serious anger management issues would struggle. It’s only here that we actually see it. I’ve berated Marvel many times, drunk and sober, about shit not making sense. This is one instance where they actually make sense in a way that is pleasantly surprising.

Back with Amadeus Cho, he’s clearly gotten bored with roughing up the angry natives. At least that proves he’s not a member of the KKK because they would probably never get tired of that shit. As he’s assessing his situation, he finds out about the dampening field surrounding the island that was mentioned in the previous issue by the SHIELD agents. It has negatively affected his ability to communicate with the outside or tap the full extent of his powers. His AI, Calvin (basically a more nerdy version of Jarvis from Iron Man), informs him of the artifact that’s causing all the disruptions. His best bet is to find it, get rid of it, and get his ass back home in time watch She-Hulk take a shower. He also notices that some of the natives have marks from dead SHIELD agents so he can expect to be as welcome as a bad case of herpes.

For Wolverine and Shanna, they don’t get to enjoy that kind of boredom. After they recover from their battle against the angry Pterodactyls, they begin to discuss their plan to infiltrate the temple and disrupt that artifact. And by discuss I mean coordinate with the same efficiencies as two drunk monkeys trying to hump a coconut. Wolverine can’t get Shanna to shut up and Shanna can’t resist pointing out how short he is, comparing him to Hugh Jackman in a very nice reference to the movies. She even finds a way to throw in a little poop joke about drinking jungle water. And whenever a hot chick makes a poop joke, it’s a very special thing.

These two clearly aren’t on the same page and the possibility of Wolverine getting into Shanna’s panties are dwindling at a surprising rate. It actually makes for some nice drama on top of the action to show that their partnership isn’t following the usual plot you would expect, given Wolverine’s luck with women. It’s another example of Wolverine not being depicted as the alpha dog he usually is. It also gets progressively worse when it starts raining (it’s a fucking jungle, mind you) and they end up falling down a cliff. And Wolverine, looking more like Homer Simpson than an X-man, tumbles down in a way that is as humiliating as it is hilarious.

When they land, both Shanna and Wolverine’s pride is almost as wounded as Mante T’eo’s credibility. But they don’t have time to sulk because they just happened to land in the den of some angry raptors and like an off-duty cop whose home you just stumbled into while drunk, they’re not too pleased. And this time, Shanna doesn’t have any big ass guns (not counting her tits) to fight off these aggressive creationist nightmares. It’s a fairly typical situation in the Savage Land. It seems like you can’t take a piss in a bush without it being home to some flesh-eating monster. But what makes it entertaining is how Frank Cho sets it up. It’s like the Three Stooges, except there are two and one of them has a great rack. It’s as entertaining as it sounds.

As Wolverine and Shanna are making the same mistake, Amadeus Cho is trying desperately to stop the angry natives from making more. He’s been remarkably patient with them, not using his power to slaughter them and use their bones to make dildoes. Yet they remain painfully slow at realizing that hitting him with fucking sticks isn’t working. It’s like trying to reason with Ann Coulter. It’s a losing battle. But eventually, Cho does manage to get his translator working. This allows him to communicate with the chief of the natives. It’s a little sluggish at times and the whole Elvish language used to depict the natives talking really doesn’t make for an interesting conversation. But when he does finally crack their language code, he makes clear that he comes in peace and is powerful as fuck. Their natural reaction is to worship him as a god.
Now I’m trying not to make too many comments on race here because I’m already on thin ice with Al Sharpton, but this is something that has the potential to piss a few people off. You’ve got a population of people who fit the stereotypical depiction of a savage and an enlightened westerner armed with superpowers shows up and they worship him as a god. Maybe some people won’t take as much offense to that as they will a speech about women’s rights by Todd Akin, but it is somewhat clichéd and a bit of a dick move. However, it could have been much more offensive so I’m not going to make a bigger deal of this than I need to.

The prospect of Amadeus Cho being worshipped by the natives as a god ends up being more exciting than Shanna and Wolverine escaping the raptor den. The action isn’t quite as entertaining as the earlier battle against the pterodactyls. They’re still comically uncoordinated, but they escape and continue making their way to the artifact. They continue to bicker as well. You get the sense that boning is now no longer as high up on their to-do list as initially thought. But it still makes for a rather bland ending to the issue. They just fight off more dinosaurs, struggle to get along, and basically continue down the same path they were when they began. But they don’t know that Cho beat them to the punch. So there are still plenty of reasons to look forward to the next issue and there are plenty of memorable moments in this one. The ending just isn’t one of them.

I often hear fans bitch and moan about how Wolverine is so overexposed. Those same people also frequently bitch and moan about how he’s made out to be too perfect in the sense that he’s a badass, he’s overly competent, and he gets to bone way too many hot chicks. To some extent they have a point. Wolverine does get almost as much love as Emma Frost’s tits at Marvel. But that extent is only as long as Tim Tebow’s passing stats last year. Because this comic, in what may be a subtle middle finger to the Wolverine-haters, tells a Wolverine story that doesn’t make him out to be Marvel’s alpha male. It’s a story where Wolverine is incompetent, clumsy, and downright stupid at times. Hell, the way he’s carrying himself, Shanna’s panties are getting dryer by the second. And you know what? It actually feels like this is how Wolverine is supposed to be depicted. This is how you would expect someone to carry himself who heals from anything, has poor impulse control, and couldn’t strategize even if Jean Grey’s pussy depended on it.

Savage Wolverine is quickly turning into a Wolverine comic for fans who don’t like Wolverine. It’s similar to how the movie Bad Santa was a movie for people who really hate Christmas. While that movie had touching messages like “Shit Happens When You Party Naked,” this comic has a clear message in that a beautiful woman will use your ass as bait for hungry dinosaurs if you’re going to be a dick. Both are good messages, but Wolverine’s new role as bait offers something different compared to previous Wolverine titles. When I first heard about this book, I made many of the same assumptions my fellow Marvel addicts made in that will likely be just another Wolverine title that tries to find new ways of making him seem awesome. Well, that’s not what Frank Cho is doing here. He’s showing a different side of Wolverine in that while he can survive in a jungle, he would have long since become T-Rex shit were it not for his healing. He gets pwned more in this issue than he has in any comic where Cyclops hasn’t shot him and given his recent actions, that’s saying something.

While I enjoyed Frank Cho’s approach to characterizing Wolverine, there were parts of this comic that dragged. The side-story with Amadeus Cho was a nice touch, but it seemed needlessly spaced out by having him fuck with the natives until he could translate their language. Aside from just flexing his powers, he didn’t really do much. In addition, there wasn’t a whole lot of progress made in Wolverine and Shanna’s mission to find that ancient artifact. They basically just tripped over their own asses for most of the issue. It was entertaining and all, but it really didn’t move shit forward. And the ending was pretty weak and pretty abrupt. So while the theme of the book and the action was enjoyable, it was poorly organized and didn’t come together very well in the end.

If you liked Savage Wolverine #1, then Savage Wolverine #2 will give you even more reasons to enjoy it. Despite the rather chaotic pace of the story, Frank Cho’s artwork is as beautiful as ever and the sight of Wolverine getting mauled by dinosaurs has yet to get old. The strong dialog also adds plenty of value to this issue and the movie references are a nice bonus and give women more reasons to want to bone Hugh Jackman. Savage Wolverine is quickly turning into a different type of Wolverine comic and for all the right reasons. I give Savage Wolverine #2 a 3.5 out of 5. At the rate this comic is going, Wolverine actually might not get laid in the end. That would be a monumental milestone in the history of Marvel and a clear victory for anyone whose girlfriend cheated on him with a tattoo laced biker wanted in four states. But most importantly, it also sends a clear message to the Wolverine haters that they can stop bitching and moaning now. And like shows sponsored by Glenn Beck, this world needs less bitching and moaning. Nuff said!

Wolverine #1 - Renumberd and Still Awesome

Let's not bullshit ourselves. We all know that issue #1 of any comic book is by default a gimmick. It's cheap, it's underhanded, and it insults the intelligence of certain fans. But damn it if it doesn't work! Last month X-men #1 (the non-Claremont/Byrne one) topped the sales charts with over 100,000 sold. It was not only the best selling book that month. It was the only book that sold over 100,000. In an economy like this with print media dying faster than spotted owls nesting near Ted Nugent's house, that's huge. That's like a typrwriter outselling the Ipad. So it stands to reason that if it works well for X-men, it should work well for the X-men's most famous character, Wolverine. Fanboys may hold their noses at the prospect of another #1 gimmick, but even if it smells like gorilla shit laced with mule piss that's not going to stop them from checking it out. It can't stink too much if it works.

Wolverine #1 isn't what you call necessary. The ongoing series, which has been penned by Jason Aaron, was doing well enough on it's own. Granted, it wasn't selling like pictures of Justin Bieber going down on Paris Hilton, but it was a quality book. Now since the Wolverine Origins series ended and X-men relaunched, at least the timing was right even if there were no ongoing stories in Wolverine to really warrant a #1. Even so, Marvel is going through with it damn it and they're going to try and make it awesome! It's not just pulled out of Aaron's ass though. It does have some build-up.

Before this book came out, a brief one-shot preview issue came out called Wolverine Goes to Hell. It sounds like a cheap knock-off of Jason Goes to Hell from the Friday the 13th series, but this doesn't suck quite as much. It essentially does a brief prologue, showing Wolverine heading down what appears to be the path to Hell. Apparently all the killing, drinking, philandering, and cursing don't go over well with God so he's going to the other place. It's hardly surprising, but there's hardly an explanation as to how he ended up there. That's a story that Wolverine #1 picks up on.

It starts with a quick flashback. Wolverine pays a visit to his old friend, John Wraith. Now Wraith is a pastor of all things, which is sort of like Ted Nugant becoming a PETA supporter. The two men talk and reflect on the steps of a church. If this were another Wolverine comic they would be either at a bar or a strip club, but given recent news about the church this actually may be more appropriate. The key to their conversation involves Logan talking about how good things are for once. Hope has returned, he has a new girlfriend named Melita with kinky tastes(from the Weapon X comics in case you missed it), and he's got his place with the X-men on Utopia. Yet for some reason that bugs him. Some people are just too difficult to satisfy. Imagine how Melita feels.

Once the flashback ends, the action begins. Pastor Wraith (still sounds weird to say) is giving his usual god talk when someone comes running into the church with a wounded woman in his arms. Usually when someone comes into a church with a woman in his arms, she was either caught standing in line at an abortion clinic or they claim she's having a vision of the Virgin Mary in a cheese sandwich. But this woman has claw marks on her arms and that's a dead giveaway even to a superstitious religious nut.

Wraith goes onto show that he hasn't completely obeyed his vows as a pastor. He retrieves some of his old holy hardware (translation: really big ass guns) and heads off hunting for the son-of-a-bitch who gutted one of his congregation before they could pay their dues in the collection plate. He doesn't have to look too long. The asshole who took the Old Testament too seriously shows up and takes him down. He doesn't look very holy either. He looks like one of the Sandpeople from Star Wars and shows Wraith that even if God is all-powerful, bugs are still nasty motherfuckers.

Not one to stop at kicking the mans ass, this mysterious hooded jerk-off has to shoot to the top of the douche-bag Olympics. With Wraith down for the count, he rubs nitric acid in the wound by setting fire to Wraith's church with all the people still inside. It's about as evil as you can get, even in a comic book. Wraith, even with his history of douche-baggery, doesn't let it stand and goes after the guy. Again, these people haven't paid their dues to the collection plate. A good pastor simply cannot let that slide. But he's shit outta luck this time. The perp inflicts the same wounds he did on the woman he killed earlier, this time on Wraith. He then reveals himself to be Wolverine, except he's all demonified (don't know if that's a word, but it damn well ought to be). He's looking evil as hell and pretty badass, showing Wraith is more screwed than Job.

So Wolverine's old buddy gets screwed over. It's only natural his girlfriend be the next target. Melita hasn't shown up much since she and Logan hooked up in Weapon X. For those who are too lazy to Google her history, she's actually a reporter and playing Lois Lane to Wolverine's Superman (if Superman drank and was a lot hairier). Now being Wolverine's girlfriend always has risks associated with it and among those risks is the near inevitability of death catching up to her. For whatever reason, this doesn't seem to bother Melita.

She enters this story with a lot less spectacle. He's not a nun by any stretch. She's sitting at her desk working like everyone else, dividing her time between writing stories and working on shitty blogs when her boss isn't looking. That's when some of Logan's old friends (enemies) show up. Naturally, they're after Melita. However, she shows that she has the balls (along with the hot ass) to be Wolverine's girlfriend and fights back in a way that would probably give her man a hell of a boner if he saw it.

She goes on the run and naturally, Wolverine's old pals chase her. They try to corner her, mindful of the fact that she's not a mutant. She's just a hot chick armed with some weapons Wolverine gave her just in case. Well those weapons don't exactly work as well as they should. She ends up getting cornered by a woman who looks like a cross between a dominatrix and a bad Final Fantasy character. Then a shameless ripoff of Resident Evil comes into play and a motorcycle come crashing into the building, crushing the dominatrix and saving Meltia. Since another Resident Evil movie is coming out soon, this has to be the least subtle cross-promotion in the history of comics.

It helps that the biker chick in question is even hotter than Milla Jovovich. She's Mystique, who is the absolute last person anyone would ever want to be saved by. But Melita doesn't have enough experience as Logan's girlfriend to know that so she's got no choice but to go along with her. Now this raises some interesting questions. Wolverine left Mystique to die in the "Get Mystique" arc and would love nothing more than to see him rot in Hell while she laughed her ass off at him for all eternity. But for some reason, she wants to help Melita and claims the people after her hate Logan even more than she does. Since Mystique always has an angle to play, it's hard to even speculate what she could possibly have to gain by helping out rather than sitting back and watching Logan's loved ones suffer. Perhaps she just wants to reserve that right for herself.

With Mystique's help, Melita gets away. The freak-show gangsters hired to take her have to report to their superiors they failed. Thankfully, they're no Cobra Commanders. In fact, the faces behind this plot aren't all that intimidating. They're essentially a collection of old Japanese retirees that look about as intimidating as box of puppies. But seeing as how Wolverine has many ties to Japan, many of them of a very unpleasant nature, it does't come completely out of left field. They don't look like your typical badass Weapon X knock-offs, but they know enough about Wolverine to go after him and that's badass enough (just barely).

While Melita's riding with Mystique, she asks the same questions that readers have been asking since the beginning of the issue. What the fuck is going on and when is Mystique going to get naked again (the latter question being implied of course)? She asks where Wolverine is. Mystique responds with some Lost-style foreboding. Somehow Wolverine's body and his soul aren't in the same place anymore. Okay, it's not completely as subtle as Lost, but it's still pretty ominous. I mean, it has to be if the title of the arc is Wolverine Goes to Hell, right?

Well any sense of subtlety is lost in the next scene when Wolverine is shown in the inner rectum of Hell itself. He's still naked. Let's face it, the ladies deserve some exposed man meat as well with all the tits and ass comics throws around for the guys. He's not in a very sexy position though. If anything, he looks like one of those cute anime girls just before they get horribly raped by a tentacle-dicked creature. It's not sexy and it may even be a little homoerotic in some ways. But it's still pretty badass and shows just how fucked Wolverine is (hopefully NOT in more than one way).

Now in terms of #1 issues, this is no masterpiece. But it's not a piece of crap either. It's too good to just be called a gimmick. It's not good enough to be called a historic moment in comics either. It takes a story that began with the prologue issue and sets up a thrilling, horror style comic that Wolverine fans should appreciate and general fans of horror should find titillating. It seems a little off-pace at times because it starts with a flashback and you don't see Wolverine in the present time until the end. But it still makes good use of the moments in between. The characterization of Mystique, Melita, and Wraith is solid. There's a lot of mystery to unfold. The only underwhelming part is the supposed villains behind Melita's attempted abduction. Not that it had to be Mephisto or anything, but for a story that involves Hell it seems out of place.

Overall, there's a lot to enjoy about this comic. It's as solid a #1 can get even without living up to the gimmick. It does more than just not suck. It sets the stage for a new series and does a pretty decent job of it. So for the final score, Wolverine #1 gets a 4 out of 5. It's a great jumping on point and it has enough story to keep the reader intrigued enough for the second issue. Between this and X-men #1 it's a great time to get into the X-books! I would say fans would be wise to join in now, but with how often comic companies pull this shit there's no rush. Nuff said.