Deadpool | Red Band Trailer 2 [HD] | 20th Century FOX

Merry Christmas, everybody! For just one second, put down the eggnog and stop thinking about how you're going to return your shitty gifts and celebrate with something truly festive. By that, I mean Deadpool. I mean come on! He's wearing red. That's a Christmasy color, isn't it?

Because we're mindless consumers, we buy into all the shit that Hollywood sells us when it comes to superheroes. However, this is Deadpool. He's NOT a typical superhero and this shit ain't rated PG-13. I could explain more, but I'd rather let the wonderfully charismatic, former Mr. Scarlett Johannsen explain it. Enjoy!

Deadpool Official Sneak Peek #1 (2016) - Ryan Reynolds Movie HD

Ryan Reynolds was once on top of the world. He was an A-list star, a Hollywood hot guy, and married to Scarlett Johanssan. Then, shit just started going wrong in so many ways. And I'm not just talking about the Green Lantern movie. Reynolds has a lot of crap in his career that he may never live down. Barakapool will be one of those things is one of them. But with an R-rated Deadpool movie set to come out in 2016, I like to think he's on the road to recovery. Today, that road begins with the teaser trailer to the Deadpool movie that we've all wanted, but Wolverine Origins denied us.


Will it make Wolverine Origins suck any less? No. But will it help make up for it? If it's awesome, fuck yes. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Origins II #1

I know I give Wolverine a hard time on this blog. Sometimes it seems like I take an extra bong hit and jerk off every time Wolverine makes an ass of himself or gets upstaged by Cyclops in the comics, but that's not the case. I take an extra bong hit and jerk off for whatever the fuck reason I want, thank you very much. But lately, a lot of Wolverine's story has been tied up in his work with the Jean Grey Institute, his constant bickering with Cyclops, and a supremely shitty movie that basically turned him into Edward Cullen without the sparkling. It's easy to forget that Wolverine is still one of the most awesome comic book characters ever. I certainly haven't forgotten and given all the brain cells I've killed over the years, nobody has any excuse. So I did even more extra bong hits when I heard that Kieron Gillen was returning to the X-books to write a sequel to Wolverine Origins, a mini-series by Paul Jenkins that any self-respecting Wolverine fan needs to own. It basically goes back to the very shit that made Wolverine so awesome in the first place. For that and many other reasons, reading and reviewing Origins II #1 was a reminder that awesome still exists in an era where Bryan Singer has fucked Wolverine up for a generation of comic book fans.

At this point in his life, James Howlett, the man who would become the Wolverine that Hugh Jackman would use to soak the panties of female X-men fans, has ditched a typical human life. Wolverine has just killed Rose, the woman who established the precedent for him falling in love with pretty redheads that didn't love him back. It also set the precedent for him stabbing pretty redheads, but that's not the point here. Her death basically drove him batshit with guilt because at this point in his life, he hadn't gotten used to killing people. Just wait until he tears through hoards of Weapon X soldiers and Hydra agents. He'll learn to kill with a goddamn smile and a boner, but he's just not there yet. It follows closely after the events of the first Origins, which may be jarring to some since that shit came out over a decade ago. But it's not Marvel's fault that many people have attention spans only as long as Miley Cyrus's last music video.

Now in the wild and wiping his ass with leaves, he spends his day hunting down other weaker animals for food in the wild Canadian wilderness. And he even does it while wearing nothing but a fucking loin cloth. At temperatures that would cause most peoples' nuts to fall off, he's as comfortable as Pamela Anderson at a fake tits convention. He's not Weapon X yet. He's not an X-men yet. He's not even Wolverine yet. He's living as an animal, ruled by instinct and survival. He's basically a proto-Wolverine and yet he's still as awesome as the man he later becomes.

But the story isn't just pre-Wolverine hunting for food in his underwear. That would be a pretty boring ass story, except for women who are tired of masturbating to Tarzan wannabes. Throughout this issue, there's sort of an over-arching narration. It's not Wolverine's thoughts. It's not clear who the fuck it is, but it doesn't have to be anyone. It helps explain a situation that would otherwise be just a guy hanging out with a pack of wolves. This isn't the fucking Jungle Book. This is Wolverine and his story with these wolves would not make the cut in a crappy Disney G-rated movie.

These wolves are basically Wolverine's new family. Having reverted to his most primal instincts, he now gets along quite nicely with equally primal animals, like wolves. The wolf even has a name, Grey Scar. It sounds like the name of a heavy metal band, shady pharmaceutical company, or a fucked up scar that Jackie Chan probably had at some point in his career. But it's still a badass name for a wolf. And this wolf is basically the head of a pack that has adopted Wolverine as one of its own. So yes, it is a lot like the Jungle Book, but the Jungle Book never showed anyone gutting a dear and gorging on its blood. That shit is just too PG-13 for Disney's tastes, but it gets the point across. Wolverine has built a new life with a new family. That life is still violent and bloody, but it's awesomely fitting.

Everything seems to be going well. It's a simple life devoid of redheads incessantly cock-teasing him, asshole adopted fathers, and shitty adopted brothers like Dog Logan making his life miserable. It's one of those "back to nature" moments that's meant to make us long for a simpler existence that doesn't require us to pay taxes, work in cubicles, or stand in line at the DMV. It sounds good on paper, but it sucks for everyone who doesn't have Wolverine's ability to heal and his ability to be a badass hunter.

However, in the same way he tends to give the finger to Cyclops, Captain America, and anyone else who tries to give him orders, he goes against the sentiment of his pack when they come across a large white bear. His pack leaves it while Wolverine decides to investigate. Considering a bear is big and strong enough to maul three normal men and six adult wolves, its a clear sign of human stupidity that would make Charles Darwin himself bang his head against the wall. Wolverine just has to tempt natural selection and look into this mysterious bear. It's clear what's so fucking special about this bear. The narration is a big vague and nobody even says a fucking word in this comic. So it's a story that has to be processed with a sober mind sadly.

As Wolverine stalks the bear, he makes Charles Darwin bang his head against the wall for another set of reasons. He finds out that the bear isn't exactly Winnie the Pooh or a disgruntled circus bear for that matter. It's just hungry as fuck and apparently a really shitty hunter. Natural selection is already poised to send this bear to the same place it sent a T-Rex, but Wolverine took pity on it in a way a pack of hungry wolves never would. He tried to help it by leaving it fruit, but he might as well have tried to serve light beer to Ozzy Osborne. It just wasn't going to do the trick. He eventually gives up and returns to his pack, but it shows that he's still more man than wolf, albeit with some of the stupider tendencies in men.

I don't know if this is a metaphor for how shitty human beings are at fending for themselves in the wild or if this is just a sign of Wolverine's capacity for making shitty mistakes because of his instincts. This is where not having any fucking dialog sort of makes the story confusing. The message is still clear and it's still much more compelling than a typical story of Wolverine decapitating several Hydra henchmen. It's just too vague, especially for those of us who don't read comics sober. And I'm pretty sure that counts as discrimination in some states.

Whatever the message, the story continues to play out through the eyes of a wolf pack. A few days go by. All is happy with Wolverine and his wolf family. They cuddle, lick each other's hair, maul unsuspecting prey, and mark their territory with their piss. I imagine Led Zepplin used to do the same thing with their groupies. But then one day they're out in the forest hunting when one of the wolves howls out a distress call. Remember that bear that Wolverine took pity on? Well that bear didn't have much pity for him or his family. Once that bear found their den, he helped himself to all the sweet, succulent meat of the other wolves.

It's bloody, it's tragic, and it's definitely the kind of shit that would never make the cut in the Jungle Book. It's one of those things that shouldn't have an impact. I'm sure there are bears out there right now mauling entire packs of wolf cubs, but this has an impact because so much time has been spent making readers give a damn about Wolverine and his wolf family. And it fucking worked. Anyone who saw Bambi as a kid might have painful flashbacks, but that's nothing a few extra bong hits can't help.

Needless to say, Wolverine is pretty pissed off. He just got done killing a pretty girl he really cares about and who may or may not eventually let him touch her boobs. Now this new family that he cares about just got mauled by some douche-bag creature that he actually tried to help. It's as if karma took the form of a hooker and an IRS agent and proceeded to fuck Wolverine over in the worst possible ways. It leads to some much more visceral action that we're supposed to all associate with Wolverine. It's still the kind of bloody shit that Animal Planet goes to great lengths to water down, but it highlights a basic primal reaction from a guy who runs on basic primal action like I run on whiskey. It seems a little too basic, but it works because this is still a man in the process of becoming Wolverine.

That process gets sped up pretty damn quickly. This isn't as simple as just pouncing on a deer, slitting its throat, and gorging on the bloody flesh that comes off the bone. This is a fucking bear that just got its fill of baby wolves. It's like fighting Mike Tyson after he has done six lines of blow. And this is a Wolverine that doesn't have adamantium bones or any significant combat training. So it's not as fair a fight as it would be if it took place on one of Wolverine's off-days from pissing off Cyclops and Captain America. He gets more bloodied than Rocky after 10 rounds with Ivan Drago. It's bloody, but it's pretty fucking awesome. It goes on for multiple pages with some very graphic and very very well-drawn carnage. Again, it's basic and detailed to the point of being excessive. There's no words or narration. It's just Wolverine fighting a bear. That's pretty damn awesome in and of itself, but it's not going to soak anyone's panties.

When the fighting eventually ends, there are no winners. It's like getting Rick James and Chris Brown high on crack and unleashing them in a Tijuana whore house. Nothing good could possibly come of it. The bear is dead. Wolverine is more bloodied than the entire cast of Saving Private Ryan at the end. And his wolf family is still dead. Maybe this is another metaphor for Wolverine's life. He fights and bloodies everyone that fucks with him, but in the end it doesn't undo how badly he is fucked over or bring back the loved ones he has lost. It's pretty fucking depressing in the grand scheme of things. Then again, Wolverine has had a pretty depressing life and this isn't even top 10. But it still gets the point across. It's a little esoteric for those just wanting to read a story about Wolverine fighting and killing things. Those are the same people that give Michael Bay no incentive to include some actual fucking story in his movies. So fuck those people.

It is depressing, but it still feels satisfying. While Wolverine is lying bloodied and battered, the lone wolf that had been stalking his family's den earlier dropped by to scavenge on the corpses. He stabs the little shit in the head before he can get the satisfaction. That lone wolf is probably the least sympathetic character in the entire story, but one that might as well be Wolverine in the future. Given all the lone wolfing he's done, he is setting himself up to really hate himself. It ends in the same way the previous Origins ended, with him surrounded in a pool of blood from his loved ones. It's the all too tragic story of Wolverine's life and while it's hard to feel too bad for a guy who grows up to bone Mystique and Storm, it's a story that should remind people why Wolverine is so awesome in the first place.

So there was no talking in this comic. There was only the kind of narration that came off as a mix between Morgan Freeman and Martin Sheen. But that's okay because this issue was a massive exercise in action speaking louder than words. I know everybody hears that shit from their boss, their girlfriend, their parents, or their parole officer. More often than not, it's just a polite way of calling someone a lazy dipshit. However, in this instance, it conveyed a special kind of insight into the twisted psyche that is Wolverine. At his heart, he is an animal. He functions like an animal and this was a period in his life where he ditched the human world completely and embraced the animal. And in many ways, being an animal offered many parallels to being human. I don't know if that's just a hidden message that humans are a pack of blood-thirsty wolves at the end of the day, but it makes for a great story and one that has a touch of heart. PETA lovers may cry and vomit. Wolverine fans may cry and cheer. For that reason, I give Origins II #1 a 7 out of 10. It doesn't do much or do anything for Wolverine's character that hasn't been done before, but it does make him awesome again. It's like reminding someone it's still possible to jerk off to old episodes of Charlie's Angels. It's not just nostalgia. It just shows that some shit never stops being awesome. Nuff said!

Wolverine and the X-men #27 - Classes in Awesome

There are some things you're just better off not remembering. If you go to a frat party in college, get blackout level drunk, and wake up in another zip code with a fat transvestite prostitute in your bed and a dead goat on your floor then you're probably better off going to your grave not knowing the details. The same logic applies to comics, albeit with less shame and strange bite-marks on your balls. Sometimes you have a great story and a great arc, but there's one particular issue that is best left completely ignored. You could just make up a story at how the editors got drunk or dealt some bad blow and just skipped an issue by mistake. It's probably for the best.

I think this is the best way to approach Wolverine and the X-men #26. It was basically the late-term aborted love-child of an otherwise great arc that was developing in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men. There's so much awesome potential for a story about Wolverine taking the Jean Grey students to give them a memorable lesson in survival. Because if you can survive an unforgiving jungle full of dinosaurs, raptors, and assorted Jurassic Park rejects, then handling killer robots should be a breeze. It was off to a great start, but then Jason Aaron had to completely ditch that story and go off on a completely unnecessary tangent from the pages of Wolverine Origins and tell us the story about Dog Logan. It's like a sequel to Battlefield Earth. It's completely unnecessary and ruins what was otherwise a fine concept, minus the corruptive influence of the Church of Scientology.

Now I'm all for stories about Wolverine's sordid past. It's been the basis for so many great X-men stories in the past. But like masturbation, there's a time and a place for it. You don't tell a Wolverine story in the middle of an arc that has little to do with it in the same way you don't masturbate in a crowded subway car. It's best to just hold your dick, be patient, and wait for a more appropriate time and/or a strip club.

But as disappointing as the Dog Logan interlude was, there's still a worthwhile story to follow and damn it I'm going to try and enjoy it! So with help from a case of whiskey, a fresh batch of weed I got from some shady guy named Fabio, and a little paint thinner I've done my best to kill the brain cells associated with Wolverine and the X-men #26 so I can enjoy Wolverine and the X-men #27 without it's influence. I'm not sure how well it worked, but I've been peeing blood for three days and for some reasons there are semen stains on my neighbors cat. I'm not going to speculate how it got there, but I will use what brain cells I have left to assess Wolverine and the X-men #27.

There's no needless flashback this time to get things going. Instead, we get something we probably should have gotten in the first issue of this arc, which was a quick glimpse of the rest of the Jean Grey Institute staff. Like any ordinary school, they get together in the teacher's lounge and presumably bitch about which students they would like to throw out the nearest window. At least, that's what the teachers did in my school. But they're basically just lofting about, wondering why Wolverine hasn't checked in. They all make the shit-brained assumption that he's okay and has everything under control. Because taking a bunch of teenagers to the Savage Land with a guy who has poor impulse control and a knack for drawing trouble can't possibly end in disaster, can it? Perhaps they have more in common with the teachers at my old school in that they smoke all the confiscated weed they get. Even if it's fucking stupid, at least Jason Aaron takes the time to acknowledge that the rest of the staff is aware of Wolverine's activities, as blissfully ignorant it may be.

All readers really need to know about the previous issue is that Dog Logan blames everything on Wolverine the same way the Nazis blame the Jews and managed to tie him up in adamantium restraints while he goes off to torment his students. This doesn't seem like too fair a fight because when we last saw them (and they were completely ignored in the previous issue, mind you) they were basically handling themselves as you would expect of a bunch of teenagers, namely without maturity or efficacy of any kind. But while they completely rejected Kid Omega's attempt to be a leader (and who could blame them?), they aren't fucking up as much as you would expect a normal group of teenagers. After all, they do have the benefits of superpowers.

It also helps that some of them received pep talks from Wolverine prior to their arrival in the Savage Land. In the same way Wolverine chatted with some of the mutants a couple issues ago, he did the same with the likes of Genesis and the new girl, Sprite (the mutant not the drink). He basically did a little motivating or at least tried to get Genesis to ignore the fact that Fantomex basically liked about his life from the beginning. But that didn't stop Genesis for taking on a hoard of angry Neanderthals or getting some playful flirtation from Sprite. He may be the incarnation of a mutant tyrant, but he's still a teenager and a teenagers urge to bone is just as strong as their urge to survive.

Other students are managing as best they can without a leader or the typical common sense that usually comes along with being an adult. Kid Omega may have failed at being a leader, but he's still an omega level psychic. That makes him a pretty capable, albeit reckless force for survival. But in the spirit of making shit even harder for teenagers without forcing them to take standardized tests, they have to face even more than just dinosaurs. They also happen to encounter an army of killer robots looking to dissect them and measure their genitals. No, that's not a joke. They actually say that shit. See? I'm not the only one that makes dick jokes about comics! Suck it, One Million Moms!

As fun as dick jokes may be, this shit is pretty random. Jason Aaron is known for throwing those kinds of things in his comics, but he usually has limits. I admit this confused me after I finished laughing at the dick joke, but he does at least try to explain where these robots came form. Apparently, they were sent at the guidance of a guy named Iron Mask. He's exactly what you think he is. And if you think he's some deranged Clint Eastwood wannabe with a bunch of cos-players who happen to have robots at their disposal, then congratulations you're both right and we have the same pot dealer!

It's fun, but fucked up. I make a strong distinction between comics you can read drunk and comics you have to read sober. Some comics have a twisted theme and that's fine, but if shit is random then just can't read it drunk even if it is awesome. Now Iron Mask seems way more appealing than Dog Logan ever did, but it is still pretty damn random. At the very least, we get to see Shark Girl take the pep talk she got from Wolverine and put it to good use. Because when you're a hot Brazilian chick that is part shark, you have no excuse not to be awesome.

Whether Iron Mask was just a convenient ploy or part of a greater scheme, Dog Logan takes full advantage of it by stepping into the fight and offering to help the students. It's not enough to just hurt and torment them. He doesn't just need to piss Wolverine off. He has to one-up his ass. And if he can show that he's a more capable teacher, then that will both piss him off and humiliate him. It may sound needlessly elaborate, but speaking as someone who knows how cunning bullies can be I can attest to this tactic. Armed with his weapons from the future, Dog Logan leads the way with the Jean Grey Institute students and even helps further discredit Wolverine's credentials as a teacher by revealing that he killed their father. He left the part out where he said his father was a complete asshole, but I guess lying to teenagers is a vital skill for any teacher.

Dog Logan's lesson appears to be going well and setting the stage for more Wolverine humiliation, but Iron Mask and his Clint Eastwood cos-players aren't too thrilled about Dog using them to act out his sibling rivalry. He's just an honest thug looking to make a living poaching dinosaurs. I'm not sure what kind of black market there are for dinosaurs, but I guess in the Marvel universe some people want to make burgers out of them. So to turn the tide, he decides to team up with the neanderthals that the students were beating up on earlier. They figure that a random partnership between Wolverine's wayward brother and his dip-shit students requires an equally random partnership. It's twisted logic, but in a Jason Aaron comic it's perfectly reasonable.

And it works too. Dog Logan's Wolverine pwnage takes a very bad turn when he and the Jean Grey students start getting bitch-slapped by a bunch of cavemen and wild west wannabes. I'm pretty sure that if Wolverine was there to see it, he would laugh his ass off and say "Not so easy teaching teenagers, is it motherfucker?" I admit I would probably do the same. It's not good for Dog's revenge and it's certainly not good for the students, who are basically caught in the crossfire. This was just supposed to be a simple lesson in survival in an unforgiving dinosaur-laden wasteland. I mean who aside from a six-year-old with common sense could have figured out that it could have gone this horribly wrong?

At the very least, it results in Kid Omega getting punched in the face. This alone makes the comic worth buying because who doesn't enjoy seeing a doughe-bag get punched in the face? That doesn't solve the problem of him putting these kids in the crossfire of these wild west assholes or make prove that he's better than Wolverine in the slightest. All it does is piss him off enough to say, "Fuck it! I'm just gonna kill you all and hope that'll solve my problems!" It makes for a rather unsatisfying ending, even if it does result in Kid Omega being punched in the face. But compared to how little this arc has done to make anyone give three fifteenths of a shit about Dog Logan, it's still servicable.

When you purposefully kill brain cells, it usually helps to have a damn good reason. An open bar at a private party in Mardi Gras is right up there with a good reason. And making up for a piss poor comic in an arc is another. And I think this issue, while still leaving a few things to be desired, constitutes a pretty good reason. After reading this issue, I think those brain cells I destroyed to forget about the previous issue didn't die in vain. The quality of this issue and the fun it brought to the table epitomizes what makes Wolverine and the X-men such a quality X-book. It's not a book for telling more stories about Wolverine's fucked up past. It's a book to tell stories about young mutants at a school where surviving life-or-death situations in a dinosaur-infested jungle is as typical as a game of dodge ball in gym class, but with fewer emotional scars. And this issue told that story very well.

By focusing on the students rather than Dog Logan, we get a much more compelling story. These kids were tripping over their own ass just trying to handle the dinosaurs. Now they have to pull their shit together and face a Dog Logan that's equipped with kick-ass weapons from the future. And since it usually takes the promise of survival, money, or pussy to motivate teenagers, it made for a much more satisfying helping of action. Wolverine and his petty feud with his asshole brother was secondary. The focus was on the students, as it damn well should have been from the beginning.

It was still a bit chaotic at times. The action and the power Dog Logan wields made for scenes that were hard to follow at times and a bit choppy. And the ending left much to be desired since it was just Dog Logan whining like a little bitch at how Wolverine is responsible for all his problems. He's basically no more compelling a character than the Christian nutbags that claim homosexuals are the cause of all things unholy. I'm not saying Wolverine isn't somewhat responsible for Dog being an asshole, but he takes it way too fucking far and doesn't do it in a way that's makes him a worthy villain.

For comics that show a certain level of consistency, I'm willing to give them a mulligan whenever an issue comes along that sucks Bangkok crack whore. Wolverine and the X-men #26 was bad, but Wolverine and the X-men #27 got shit back on track. And any comics that can pull itself out a shit pile without stinking too much deserves plenty of extra credit. This issue had all the necessary elements to make it a solid Wolverine and the X-men book, even though it was chaotic by Jason Aaron standards. I give this issue a 4 out of 5. Overall, the message of this book and this arc is pretty simple. Less bland, generic, I-hate-Wolverine characters and more irresponsible, irrational teenagers make for better comic and/or a better porno. Nuff said!

Wolverine and the X-men #26 - Not-So-Flashy Flashbacks

I often reference how much I hated high school on this blog. And let me just say in a semi-sober mind that I'm not exaggerating when I say how much it sucked. In many ways it is the primary source of my drinking problem, my maturity problem, and my ex-girlfriend problem. One of my biggest fantasies that don't involve Halle Berry, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johanssen, and Femke Jennsen in thongs covered in baby oil is going back to my old high school and punching every one of my old teachers in the jaw (including the dead ones). It wasn't just that they sucked at their jobs and made it a point to emotionally damage vulnerable teenagers. They just didn't go out of their way to teach me and my fellow peers the life skills we needed to survive in the real world. As a result, I had to learn those skills from comic books, violent video games, reality TV, and drinking. And people still wonder why I'm so fucked up?

That's why I'm often jealous of the students at the Jean Grey Institute in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men. Like all teenagers, they still find an excuse to bitch and moan about their lessons. But at least their lessons have some real-world applications. Most people may never need to destroy a giant mutant-hunting robot, but that is the kind of skill that translates into various other abilities. I mean can you imagine how awesome that would look on a resume? You could say "Really? Harvard Business School? Well I learned how to kill a motherfucking killer robot and survive in the motherfucking Savage Land!" That alone should get you a six-figure salary and a blowjob from the hot secretary.

Wolverine and the X-men #25 was dedicated to Wolverine showing a group of inexperienced and obscenely immature teenagers how to survive in a shitty situation in the Savage Land. It made for both a fun story and a means of putting my own schooling to shame. It was fun because the students, which included Shark Girl, Eye-boy, Kid Omega, and Idie, fared about as well as Forest Gump at a physics lecture. It was also fun because Wolverine, even after he realized he may have fucked up his lesson plan, hit an unforeseen snag when a relic from his past (and the Wolverine Origins series that you should totally fucking read), Dog Logan, decided to show up again and fuck him up. While his reason for doing so at a time like this makes about as much sense as giving a meth head a job at a pharmacy, it still made for a fun story. And the lessons learned will be way more useful than fucking algebra, that's for sure.

The story continues in Wolverine and the X-men #26 with a quick history lesson for all those who didn't read Wolverine Origins. Wait...did I say quick? Fuck, I mean to say a needlessly long string of flashbacks. They don't just focus on Dog Logan's hatred for Wolverine. It goes much further than that. It shows Dog Logan as this unfortunate little boy with an asshole father who drank heavily and beat him if he looked at him cross-eyed, yet somehow still found a way to convince women to bone him. If this is supposed to earn Dog any sympathy, it fails miserably. It's basically the most generic and basic daddy issues you could give a boy. There's no need for a full blown flashback to make that point.

But this is what we're treated to for a good chunk of the first issue. We don't get to see any of the students struggling in the jungle or Kid Omega being a complete douche. Instead, we see Dog Logan telling his side of the story in Wolverine Origins. If you read that book, you don't get anything you don't already know. Dog Logan's asshole father somehow seduced Wolverine's mother and knocked her up. This led to young Wolverine popping his claws at a young age when kids are still getting used to erections. This led him to kill Dog's asshole father and a whole bunch of other people. Yet somehow Cyclops end up in jail for killing Charles Xavier? Sorry, I know I'm belaboring that issue, but I think it's worth bringing up.

I also think it's worth belaboring that these flashbacks really don't tell us anything new. All they do is give more back story to Dog and it's not the least bit compelling. He's a scoundrel with an asshole father who blames all his problems on Wolverine. You couldn't get much more basic if the shit was printed on a piece of used toilet paper. I'm not saying it isn't well-done in the sense that it fits Dog's history into Wolverine's past, but it was way too drawn out. If given the choice between learning more about Dog Logan and seeing Kid Omega get mauled by a dinosaur, I definitely go with Kid Omega.

By the time the story finally reaches the present time, the battle that ended the previous issue finally begins. And if you still give a damn at this point, it's still as bloody and violent as you would want it to be. Dog came prepared for this battle, armed with what looks like a smaller version of Thor's hammer that you might see a cos-player use. However, this shit isn't made out of aluminum foil and PVC pipe. It's made out of a special material meant to damage adamantium. Where did he get that shit? Well that's not ignored. He claims he got it in the future, which isn't as fucked up as it sounds since he got a visit from his future self in the previous issue. But that's not all he brought and I'm not just talking about futuristic sex bots that I'm sure are available in every Wal-Mart.

During the battle as Dog roughs up Wolverine, he mentions how it's easy to buy shit in the future when people pay top dollar for mutants. That hints that the future for mutants is pretty fucked. That or the future children of the Kardashians are so fucked up they can only be entertained by hunting mutants. I'm guessing it could be a mix of both. Whatever the case, it allows him to buy a few more goodies like poison that actually fucks up guys with a healing factor and three little balls that probably came from Chuck Norris's scrotum that put Wolverine in a world of pain. It's not quite as satisfying as seeing Wolverine blast Cyclops. But it's right up there.

It would have been much more satisfying if we didn't end up getting more flashbacks. I get that Jason Aaron is trying to fill in the blanks with Dog, who has been MIA in Wolverine's life for so long that not having an explanation would be too fucked up even for him. But still, way too much time is wasted on giving a refresher course on Dog Logan's background. If it was a class, it was a class you either come to piss faced drunk or skipped altogether. We're just reminded that Dog Logan became your typical wild man once his father was killed. Then while he's getting pissed faced drunk, some unlucky schmuck mentions that he crossed paths with a young Wolverine who has become a full blown wolf man. That gives Dog Logan all the excuse he needs to start a bar fight and find his wayward little brother.

More needless flashbacks go by. And this could all be ink dedicated to showing Kid Omega getting mauled by a dinosaur or vice versa. It's pretty frustrating at this point, but in the end it does lead to an important detail about Dog Logan's life that explains how he ended up in a position to kick Wolverine's ass in the first place. After he won the bar fight and fucked all the wives, daughters, and sisters of the men he beat, he made his way to a mine where he was told Wolverine was hiding. It could have become another sibling brawl the likes of which we only wished we saw with the Kardashians. But this one actually has something better and something that won't make you lose faith in the human race.

That mine Dog found contained something called Time Diamonds. They're exactly what they sound in that they're diamonds that help him travel through time. That's how he was able to find all those exotic weapons he used to wound Wolverine. You get the sense that with all the ways the space time continuum has been fucked in the Marvel universe it actually makes sense that it would shit out something like this. How Dog managed to traverse being thrown around through time could have made for a great series in and of itself, but instead we get pages of fucking flashbacks.

But once the flashbacks are finally over, we get back to the fighting. Overall, it's a fight that Wolverine is losing and for once he can't blame Cyclops (although he probably will find a way to do so at some point). While the battle is pretty well-done, the finer details aren't all there. Neither of these guys are all that articulate, but all Dog does is whine about how much he hates Wolverine and how much he wants him to suffer. Fuck, he could have been swapped with Sabretooth at this point and it wouldn't have made a difference. Even though Jason Aaron went to great lengths to tell Dog's story, it still ends up feeling less compelling than the bar brawl we saw earlier.

At the very least, the ends offers a telling hint of just how effective Wolverine's lesson plan for the students ends up being. Dog reveals to Wolverine that he's a shitty teacher in that the students he teaches end up getting maimed in the future. It's more than just typical trash talk in that it reinforces the point that Wolverine isn't a teacher. His job is to stab shit and fuck hot women. When he's out of both, he shouldn't be the one starting a school. And to prove just how much he sucks at his job, Dog is prepared to use his time diamonds to bring in more crazy threats for the students he brought to the Savage Land...which, by the way, we still don't see. After wasting so much ink on flashbacks, we're just left to wonder how Dog will make the students wish they were taking a calculus exam. I don't know about most other readers, but I still would prefer seeing Kid Omega fighting dinosaurs.

I don't claim to have the greatest attention span in the world. The only time I'll ever need medications for ADHD is if I have to take a test that determines whether or not I'll get to bone Heather Graham. But I do lose interest in shit when it ditches anything resembling a coherent plot and redirect my energy towards something more productive like how to jerk off blindfolded or how to make a bong out of a used cell phone. Wolverine and the X-men #25 did such a great job of establishing a fun, enjoyable story that involved a bunch of immature teenagers trying to survive in a jungle while Wolverine confronted one of his many issues not related to his drinking. This issue had plenty to work with in terms of continuing that story and it essentially ditched half of it.

I enjoyed Wolverine Origins. I enjoyed how Marvel developed the backstory they finally gave Wolverine  after years of keeping his life a mystery. I understand that there are plenty of readers who didn't care for it and plenty more that never even read it. But that really isn't a reason to waste precious ink essentially retelling the story in the pages of this issue. Dog Logan hates Wolverine and has daddy issues that would make Sigmund Freud cum in his pants. We get it. We don't need to essentially negate the need to read Wolverine Origins to know why. We just need to know that he fucks up Wolverine's lesson plan. In that sense Dog Logan succeeds, but in terms of the overall story it done at the cost of the larger story.

We didn't get to see anything develop with the students. And once again, we didn't get to see jack shit about what happened back at the Jean Grey Institute. Kitty and Iceman's date might as well have been ten years ago and that kiss from Wolverine and Storm might as well have been a druken make-out session with your sister because it's basically being ignored. And for what? A reminder that Dog Logan is an asshole who wants to torment Wolverine? If there weren't already a million of those characters running around in Marvel comics, it might be compelling. But even if it was, it wasn't worth taking a whole issue to focus on one assholes burning need for vengeance. We get enough of that shit already.

There were still some enjoyable elements from Wolverine and the X-men #26. It was still an action-packed book. And I'm still glad that Marvel dug into the history of Wolverine and brought out a character like Dog to work into a new plot. But too many flashbacks and the all too common I-blame-you-for-fucking-my-life-up rhetoric made this comic way too bland. I can only give Wolverine and the X-men #26 a 2 out of 5. Another man from Wolverine's past wants to kill him. This just in, the sky is still blue, the grass is still green, and boobs are still awesome. Do we really need another reminder? Nuff said!

Marvel Infinite Comics Announcement - More is Awesome!

A week ago, Marvel cruelly teased fans again by giving them reasons to endlessly drone on the possibility of a New 52 style reboot. I imagine for some fanboys that's like getting an overdue boob job or putting down a dog. Now I pointed out how fucking retarded a reboot would be after the Marvel NOW! relaunch, but that didn't stop some from speculating endlessly when they saw this.

Well over the weekend while I was sleeping off a hangover, Marvel finally added some clarity while dashing the hopes of some fans who constantly bitch about the need for a reboot. But even they have to admit that the announcement was still pretty awesome. Avengers vs. X-men sucked the asshole of a constipated rhino, but it introduced something called Infinite Comics and those comics were pretty fucking awesome. In an era where people value their smart phone almost as much as they value their liver, it makes perfect sense to create comics that are perfectly adapted to the digital medium. Well now Marvel is taking that shit a step further! And this is how:

SXSW 2013: Marvel Infinite Comics

Today at the South By Southwest Interactive Festival in Austin, Texas, Marvel announced the addition of weekly Infinite Comics to their publishing slate. These comics treat mobile devices as a new canvas and that take advantage of the technological opportunities inherent in them. Fans have gotten a taste of this format before with the AVENGERS VS. X-MEN and GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY Infinite Comics, but this new initiative promises to push the burgeoning medium to new places.

“What we’re doing with Infinite Comics is developing a new language for telling comic book stories," says Marvel Editor-in-Chief Axel Alonso. “We’re getting more and more sophisticated as we move along. We see a progress with each venture, and an expanding of capabilities. The technology improves and allows us to do things that we weren’t able to do before."

Four leading Marvel characters will receive their own 13-part, weekly Infinite Comic story, totaling up to 52 weeks of new Infinite Comics, one released every Tuesday. WOLVERINE: JAPAN'S MOST WANTED kicks off the program, written by Jason Aaron and Jason Latour, with art by Paco Diaz. The latest Wolverine epic begins on July 9, providing a perfect jumping on point for anyone who enjoys this summer's film, "Wolverine."

The Infinite Comic marks seminal Wolverine writer Jason Aaron's return to the character's solo adventures.

“The reason we’ll be involving the monthly writer of each of these comic book stories we’re going to be telling through Infinite is that they’re all part of continuity," explains Alonso. "You know it’s as relevant to that particular character as anything you’ll find on the comic book stands that Wednesday."

The subjects of the subsequent Infinite Comics series remain under wraps for now.
“It’s not that certain characters are better in print and others aren’t," explains Peter Phillips, the Senior Vice President & General Manager of Marvel’s Digital Media Group. "I think this is an alternative way of storytelling. This is always about using digital for continued innovation. We’re always trying to extend that conversation with and for our fans."

"We’re at the forefront of developing a new language for comics," continues Alonso. "If we go back to the way comics were told, it started with a horizontal strip of panels and evolved into a comic book page. [Then] you could go vertical or horizontal and page design was a part of the process. Now we’ve taken it to the tablet and the handheld media and you’re seeing how, even in a short year or so that we’ve been doing [Infinite Comics], how we’re evolving this and getting better."

Wolverine and the X-men #25 - Savage Lessons in Awesome

When I was a kid, I loved field trips in school. It didn't just mean getting out of a classroom where underpaid, overworked teachers read from a government-prepared lesson plan that slowly killed my will to live. It meant actually being in the world that I would later need booze and weed to cope with. And I always had a strong appreciation for that real world experience. Sure, some of them ended with me taking a piss on a fish tank at an aquarium or throwing oranges at a gorilla, but it beat the hell out of taking tests on material I would never have to use again in my adult life.

I imagine the field trips with the X-men are a lot more pragmatic, a lot more exciting, and don't involve getting suspended when you leave monkey shit in your teacher's purse. There's no way around it really. Aspiring X-men need to get out in the world and experience the fucked up threats that will attempt to wipe them out every other week. And since you can't exactly schedule a trip to a place where killer robots will attack (although I'm sure Wolverine is working on it), you can go to some of the more exotic locales in the Marvel universe to hone your skills. It's not the same as a trip to the zoo where you can sneak in booze, but it's right up there.

Jason Aaron's Wolverine and the X-men has attained a new level of awesome thanks in large part to its emphasis on the teaching aspect of the X-men's mission. Ever since the Jean Grey Institute was opened, he has taken time to show how Wolverine and his staff struggle to teach a new generation of mutants how to function in a world that enjoys throwing killer robots at them. In the most recent issue, that task gained some new complications as some of that staff can no longer keep it in their pants and started hooking up. Kitty is now swapping frosty semen with Iceman and Wolverine is now getting tipped in pussy after giving Storm a haircut. Yet as important as it is to get their loins wet, they still have students to teach.

But as with every great teacher, there must also be a great obstacle. Those obstacles usually involve having to deal with kids more interested in smoking pot and screwing everything with a pulse, but for Wolverine that obstacle comes in the form of one of the many relics from his past that want to see him die a terrible horrible death. That obstacle’s name is Dog Logan and anyone who has read Wolverine Origins knows why he wants Wolverine dead. But for some reason that isn’t clearly explained, he’s been biding his time by hanging out in a cabin, eating meat from animals he hunts, and presumably jerking off reruns of I Love Lucy. It takes a visit from his time traveling future self to get him off his ass to hunt down Wolverine, who he’s told is in the Savage Land. I won’t go off on another rant about how overplayed the whole time travel gimmick has been, especially since the events of All New X-men. I’ll just say that if Dog needs a visit from the future to become relevant again, either he has piss poor motivation or Marvel stopped caring about how much they fuck with the space time continuum.

This latest time fuck promises to complicate what Wolverine deems to be a very important mission to a select group of students from the Jean Grey Institute that include Idie, Kid Omega, Glob Herman, Shark Girl, Genesis, the eye guy, and some new chick with silvery skin that could fly. It may sound like Fox’s latest reality show, but it actually accounts for a nice slice of the student body of the Jean Grey Institute.

They arrive in the Savage Land where they’re greeted with the warmth of jungle humidity and hungry dinosaurs. He then explains to them that this is the ultimate pass/fail class. They’re expected to not just survive in the Savage Land, but to work together along the way. If one of them fails, then all of them fail. It’s enough to almost make algebra class appealing…almost. And Wolverine doesn’t make it easy for them either. Once he gives them their assignments, he proceeds to attack a T-Rex and ditch them. It’s a dick move, but still not as bad as my freshman gym teacher.

Now why is Wolverine doing this? In the previous issue, he got a kiss from Storm and possibly some pussy. He should not be feeling this vindictive in the slightest. Well unfortunately, the effects of Storm’s pussy is not really explored in this issue. But through a convenient flashback, we see Wolverine having a conversation with the new and improved Beast. He basically tells them that these kids need a trial by fire. Between Cyclops’s revolutionary team and the Hellfire Club, they need these kids to be ready to hold their nose when the shit starts hitting the fan.

It’s still a dick move, but Wolverine isn’t wrong. The pages of Wolverine and the X-men have already revealed some pretty fucked up threats and it would be fucking stupid to not prepare the kids in some obscene sort of way. In addition, we also find out what happened to Broo. While others were swapping spit with fuck buddies in the previous issue, Broo woke up from his coma and was understandably pissed. Unfortunately, we didn’t get to see Idie’s reaction or anyone’s reaction. We just find out that Broo is stuck in an angry, feral state and now Idie is lugging him around like a dog that needs to be put down. Bring him to the Savage Land is a questionable decision, but at least we get some connections to the previous issue. There really isn’t much mention of anything else from that issue otherwise. The issue still feels a little choppy as a whole, but those small connections help tie it together at least on some level.

But the point of this issue isn’t to dwell on relationship issues and who is boning who. The point is to show how this random assortment of students from the Jean Grey Institute handles themselves in the fucked up situations that only X-men encounter. It makes for some entertaining and colorful action of mutant teenagers fighting hungry dinosaurs. It an overly simple premise, but it’s still fun as hell. What actually makes their struggle even more fun is that they really don’t handle themselves like X-men. They handle themselves like teenagers, namely by incessantly complaining about how life isn’t fair and when their lunch break is. Some, like Glob Herman, actually enjoy it more than regular class. Others, like Kid Omega, are just annoyed as hell by it. It’s the full range of responses from immature teenagers and if you can get over the painful flashbacks they may cause from your own horrific teen years, there’s plenty to enjoy.

As the hapless students of the Jean Grey Institute continue to struggle, we get another quick flashback. It takes place aboard the X-jet on their way to the Savage Land. Along the way, Wolverine confronts Kid Omega who is being his usual douche-bag self. Here, we get another light tie-in to recent issues, namely the psycho circus issue. In that issue, Kid Omega actually helped save the X-men. And this is from a kid who regularly belittles them like a drunk Mel Gibson during Passover. Wolverine also pointed out that in one of his last living acts, Charles Xavier nominated Kid Omega to be class president. He essentially dared him to step up and be more than a raging douche-bag and you know what happens to douche-bags when somebody dares them. Hell, get enough liquor in them and you can get them to lick a tiger’s balls.

It’s another nice little connection to an earlier issue of Wolverine and the X-men and one that helps highlight Kid Omega in a way beyond what a raging douche he is. He’s a character that has played a major role in this series since it began. Usually, he’s just the asshole that reminds readers of the guy who always claimed to bang the entire cheerleading squad in high school. But while he has all the means to become a painful rectal wart for the X-men, he’s stuck with the school. Wolverine points this out to him and dares him to be the leader that Charles Xavier dares him to be. For a character whose sole purpose has been to piss people off since he was introduced, that’s a pretty big dare and one his character sorely needs.

Flash back to the present and Kid Omega tries to make good on the dare. He stands up and decides to take charge of his fellow students. He starts barking orders, taking on the role of a leader. He tells them to scout around, find food, and locate firewood. Overall, they’re not unreasonable requests. However, he makes them in such a way that his fellow students look at him the same way they look drunk hobo taking a piss in the middle of the road. He’s no Cyclops, that’s for sure. It’s shows that being a leader isn’t easy, but watching someone like Kid Omega fail at it is wildly entertaining.

Rather than listen to Kid Omega’s bullshit, they all separate. Genesis flies up into the trees with the new girl, Idie seeks shelter with Broo under a rock, Shark girl starts looking for food, and Glob Herman is in the process of throwing up the maggot-filled dinosaur meet he ate. Again, these are all reactions that are perfectly logical for teenagers. Some become all emo and hide under a rock. Some try to eat their problems. For some, it’s too much and they start throwing up. Maybe Jason Aaron is trying to send a message here about adolescence. I think most of us get that being a teenager sucks and these are pretty extreme examples, but that’s part of what makes the story and the whole premise of this assignment so much fun. Because no matter how old you are, seeing teenagers trip over themselves endlessly is fucking hilarious.

However, Wolverine has since stopped laughing. He’s been keeping an eye on his students from afar. I assume he was banging his head against a tree at times watching these kids fumble about in a land more unforgiving than a thousand calculus classes. He starts to question that maybe it wasn’t a good idea to throw a bunch of teenagers into the Savage Land. He of all people should know the only outcome could be that of a slasher or a porno. But as he’s contemplating cutting this lesson short, he gets shot and for once it isn’t from Cyclops. Dog Logan, following the advice of his future self, has finally caught up with his old rival. He’s prepared to draw out this twisted assignment even more and make sure Wolverine has all the more reasons to grade on a curve. If only all my old teachers had a homicidal family member from their past. I would have been a straight-A student in school and I might actually have a career that affords me more booze and comic money. Alas, we’ll never know.

Since it began, Wolverine and the X-men established itself as a book that is as ridiculous as it is fun. Jason Aaron has used this series to tell the kinds of stories that are high on absurdities while throwing in a touch of drama wherever he can. It helps make for a book that doesn’t get too serious or too convoluted. The whole premise of this issue revolved around a twisted survival class in a land where anything that doesn’t run fast enough is a dinosaur’s lunch. There’s no mutant revolution or world-threatening menace that needs to be destroyed. It’s just about a bunch of students who are forced to come together and screw up in a way you would expect of most kids when tasked with something so utterly ridiculous.

Whereas the previous issue helped refocus the story on some of the relationship dramas that have been unfolding between the panels, Wolverine and the X-men #25 refocused the story on the students. That was the whole point of this series and the founding of the Jean Grey Institute, to get back to the whole schooling aspect of the X-men. This issue nicely depicts the natural chaos that comes along with tasking inexperienced kids with any complex task, let alone a life-or-death struggle. Moreover, it helps bring into context some of the other recent events in the X-books such as the events surrounding Uncanny X-Force, Cyclops’s new team in Uncanny X-men, and the Hellfire Club attacks. The time for these kids to learn survival skills is now damn it! And while it was chaotic and disorganized, it was done in a way that was completely appropriate. Chaos and disorganization seem to be what Jason Aaron does best.

What wasn’t quite as good were some of the details that Aaron glossed over, namely with Broo and the events of the previous issue. Aside from Broo becoming an enraged dog in need of neutering, nothing from the previous issue carried over. There was no mention of any of the relationships that were developed. Storm wasn’t mentioned. Kitty and Bobby weren’t mentioned. I get that the main focus of this issue was the students, but the lack of continuity between this issue and the first is pretty jarring even by Wolverine and the X-men’s twisted standards.

Another detail that bothered me was Dog Logan himself. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad Jason Aaron reached into the deep bag of shit that is Wolverine’s history and retrieved this old story. It hasn’t really been touched on since Wolverine Origins and the Savage Land is the perfect setting for him and Dog to clash. But using time travel to get Dog off his lazy ass just seemed twisted for the sake of being twisted. Has he really just been sitting on his ass, eating deer meat, and watching TV Land all this time? Why the hell is a visit from his future self the only thing necessary to get him off his ass? I know from Wolverine Origins that Dog has his reasons for wanting to feed Wolverine to a T-Rex. What I don’t understand is why now of all times when not long ago he had his fucking legs broken for trying to cheat at an alien casino.

These details don’t take away from just how fun the issue is. The character interactions between the students was done beautifully. The way this twisted field trip played out was wildly entertaining. And seeing Kid Omega get frustrated to the point where he wants to melt Wolverine’s brain is always good for a laugh. The subtle details may be lacking, but the larger details that help make it so entertaining really make this issue work. I give Wolverine and the X-men #25 a 4 out of 5. However this story turns out, I think each student of the Jean Grey Institute will gain some valuable life lessons about survival and how not to deal with a hungry dinosaur. They’ll certainly get more out of it than I ever got in school. And they’re still probably safer in the Savage Land than they’ll ever be in my old gym clash. Nuff said!

X-men First Class Details - Officially Shit

Well after months of speculation, some details about the upcoming X-men First Class movie have finally emerged. It's been a fucked up couple of weeks with new cast members being used that seem like someone opened up a Marvel Dictionary, got a secretary piss faced drunk, spun her around on a chair, and then had her randomly point out characters to use. That list now includes C and D-listers like Darwin, Banshee, Havok, Angel Salvador, and Azazel (Nightcrawlers father) along with more established names like Magneto, Mystique, and Professor Xavier. All the while there has been intense speculation on who will play Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Storm. Because seriously, you can't have a movie called X-men First Class with the characters most associated with the First Class right?

WRONG SHITHEAD!

Those are Singer's (implied) words, not mine. With filming set to begin next month, Singer finally spilled on the details and some of them may disgust fans about half as much as X3 while requiring the others who actually see this movie to have a blood-alcohol content of no less than .15 in order to make it through. Here are some tidbits from an interview by Screenrant.

• X-Men: First Class is not like the “X-Men: First Class” comics, hence the significant character differences.
• It takes place in the 1960s where Kennedy is still president.
• Equality and racism are key issues with Martin Luther King and Malcolm X dominating mainstream media with the Civil Rights movement (foreshadowing (even mirroring) the mutant situation to come).
• Director Matthew Vaughn is very interested in the setting and what Singer describes as the “James Bond tech of the time”, as Harry puts it.
• Shooting will begin with Charles Xavier attending Oxford University.
• We’ll get to see classic X-Men costumes, much more similar to the comics than we’ve seen in previous movies.
• The movie will be the franchise’s most international yet, with shooting taking place in the U.S. and England, and the story also involving at least The Soviet Union as well.
• We’ll get a first look at some X-Men: First Class costumes within a month.
• Cyclops and Jean Grey are NOT in the movie. Havok definitely is and Lucas Till will be playing him.
• January Jones is Emma Frost and there’s no truth to Rosamund Pike’s involvement.
• Singer is excited about them getting Nicholas Hoult as Beast because of a fortunate delay in start date for Mad Max: Fury Road.
• Kevin Bacon’s villain is in fact, Sebastian Shaw. Yes, that means Hellfire Club is in X-Men: First Class.
• Singer explains the 1960s setting is perfect for the Hellfire Club, from the characters to costumes.
• There are other characters that will be in the film that they’re keeping secret. Could it be more mutant X-Men or more likely, other members of the Hellfire Club?

So here are a few highlights. This movie takes place in the sixties and Emma Frost is part of the Hellfire Club with Sebastian Shaw. Yet as some will recall, Emma showed up in the Wolverine Origins movie as one of the prisoners. And that movie took place in the 70s or 80s (it's hard to tell because the movie was so fucked up). Also, anybody who knows anything about the X-men characters knows that Havok, Alex Summers, is the younger brother of Cyclops, Scott Summers. Unless someone does a retcon of the Wolverine movie (which nobody will really give a shit if they do), something's gotta get fucked up here.

It's not that these ideas are inherently bad, but why the fuck would anyone call this movie First Class if it's an Origins movie? First Class implies that the story involves the First Class. That's Cyclops, Marvel Girl, Angel, Beast, and Iceman. No way around it. There was a whole fucking comic series about it for over a year! I get that movies take a lot of liberties from books, but you don't call the Godfather books Willy Wonka and get away with telling a completely different story.

Bryan Singer set his comic movies apart by essentially not paying much attention to the source material. This worked to some extent with the first two movies because he set it up to make it novel and fresh for both comic fans and non-comic fans alike. However, that kind of shit has a very low margin for error. It takes only one X3 to render this entire movie universe completely fucked. Add Wolverine Origins into the mix and it's essentially super-fucked if that were an appropriate term. What's the point of another origins story if every movie that comes after it is basically going to end up sucking anyways? Add to that, the assholes making it have the audacity to call it First Class when they could have just as easily called it X-men Origins and nobody would be bitching about it the way I am right now.

Even without Cyclops and Jean Grey in it, there's still a big problem with telling the story of Charles Xavier's origin with Magneto. In X3 Xavier is going to get fucking killed! So again, everything he does in this movie or whatever other prequels Fox shits out mean precisely dick. Because in the end, he's going to get killed by Jean Grey in a way that has no drama, no punch, no impact, and no redeeming qualities. It's not like the death of Darth Vader in Star Wars in that at least his death was a major turning point in the Star Wars movies. Xavier's death, like that of Cyclops and Jean Grey, is muddled in the fucked up horrors that is X3. Until that movie is expunged from existence, all subsequent X-men movies are shit.

There are only a few faint glimmers of hope with this movie. Director, Matthew Vaughn, stated a while back that this movie could draw parallels to the Star Trek movie that came out last year. That movie was not a reboot. It was in continuity with the other films, but the time line was essentially reset because characters from the future came back and essentially altered the past forever in what some call a quasi-reboot. If First Class has something similar then that may open the door for X3 at least being partially forgotten, but the fact it will still have happened requires that this and every subsequent movie be awesome on such great levels that it may have to date rape the forces of the impossible to stand a chance.

Perhaps I'm still overly bitter about X3, but as an X-men fan it's seriously disheartening when the X-men movie franchise feels like the most fucked franchise in all of comic movies. Hulk got a reboot after only one movie and now Superman and Spider-Man are getting reboots without the studios trying to salvage the shitty movies that came before them with prequels. Why is it that the X-men franchise has to go through four movies that imploded with two more in the pipeline (X-men First Class and Wolverine Origins II) to endure? It's like trying to cut your losses at a blackjack table by continuing to bet more and more despite losing with every possible hand.

The only hope for the X-men movies at this point is a reboot, but so long as the studio is obsessed with making prequels it may be years if not decades until that finally happens. By then I'll probably be dead from alcohol poisoning or I'll have long since been committed. And any fans who were hoping for redemption after X3 would have long since stopped giving a fuck. So I think it's safe to say that there's a 95 percent chance that the X-men movie franchise is completely and utterly fucked for the next decade. Nuff said.

X-men First Class May Have Their Director

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