X-men: Apocalypse - A Strong and Fitting Finale

The following is my review of X-men: Apocalypse, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Within the ever-evolving standards by which superhero movies are gauged, the X-men franchise has been on every end of the spectrum in terms of quality and relevance. This is fitting since, in many ways, the X-men launched the modern era of superhero movies in 2000. That first X-men movie acts as a bridge from the era of excessive camp in Batman and Robin to era of unshakable charm in Iron Man. For that reason, the X-men franchise will always have an important role in the history of superhero movies and cinema in general.

However, the standard that X-men sets in 2000 is not a standard that can apply to X-men: Apocalypse in 2016. Over a decade-and-a-half of maturation, evolution, and even regression at times makes a movie like this difficult to assess. On its own, it’s the capstone to a trilogy that began with X-men: First Class. In terms of the bigger picture, which encompasses the superhero genre as a whole, X-men: Apocalypse enters an era of cinema where the deck is stacked and the standards are exceedingly unfair. However, even within these circumstances, X-men: Apocalypse finds a way to succeed.

X-men: Apocalypse doesn’t attempt to reinvent the superhero movie. It doesn’t attempt to radically alter the formula for making a movie that entertains, inspires, and delights. It simply takes the formula, follows it to the letter, and lets the results speak for itself. Those results, even in a crowded market of heroes fighting heroes and villains acting as heroes, show in both the quality of the movie and the foundation it lays for the future.

Those who saw Captain America: Civil War and Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice will have a very different cinematic experience in X-men: Apocalypse. In 2016, it might be jarring because there are no heroes fighting each other and no Deadpool poking fun at overplayed superhero themes. In nearly any other year, going back to the Richard Donner era, this movie would check all the right boxes for a superhero movie and wouldn’t need to be graded on a curve. Even with such unreasonable standards, X-men: Apocalypse doesn’t shy away from the challenge.

It starts with a daunting threat in En Sabah Nur, the titular villain played by Oscar Isaac. On paper, he’s not a very complex villain. He doesn’t have the charisma of Tom Hiddleston’s Loki or Heath Ledger’s Joker. He’s basically the personification of Social Darwinism, the belief that the strong will survive and the weak must perish. It’s a simple personification and one that leaves precious little room for Isaac’s charisma, but it’s also perfectly consistent with every single iteration of Apocalypse, from the classic X-men comics to the ‘90s cartoon that inspired generations of X-men fans.

What X-men: Apocalypse does with its primary villain is the template for how the rest of this movie unfolds. It doesn’t try to reinvent Charles Xavier, Cyclops, or Jean Grey. At times, as is the case with Hugh Jackman’s brief cameo as Wolverine, it takes iconic moments right from the comics and brings them to life. These are moments presented in a way that has a distinct impact, even for those who have never read an X-men comic in their life.

It’s the complete opposite approach that Josh Trank used in the latest iteration of Fantastic Four. For X-men: Apocalypse, Director Bryan Singer and Producer Simon Kinberg focus on the elements of X-men that make it so iconic. It shows in everything from Apocalypse’s over-the-top personality to Jubilee’s sunglasses and yellow jacket. At times, X-men: Apocalypse feels like several episodes of the old ‘90s cartoon come to life. However, it manages to avoid falling into the same trap of excessive camp that destroyed Batman movies for a decade.

That’s not to say everything in X-men: Apocalypse stays true to the source material. Certain elements are entirely disconnected from the comics and have been since X-men: First Class. Jennifer Lawrence’s Mystique and Evan Peters’ Quicksilver are nothing like their comic or cartoon counterparts. In fact, they’re so different that they might as well be different characters altogether. Remarkably though, this actually improves the tone and themes of the movie.

The past 16 years of superhero movies are fraught with instances where following the comics storylines doesn’t always work. Technically, Roger Corman’s maligned and unreleased Fantastic Four movie is quite true to the source material. However, there are just as many instances, if not more, where ignoring the source material is detrimental, as every Deadpool fan who saw Wolverine: Origins can attest. The key is knowing when to deviate and X-men: Apocalypse follows the same deviations that the previous two movies established.

This means that Mystique is a complex character with motivations that don’t involve tormenting the X-men for reasons she never even tries to justify. This means that Quicksilver is a fun, entertaining, and likable character without a false accent. This means that Quicksilver can follow up follow up his show-stealing, speed scene from X-men: Days of Future Past with another show-stopping spectacle in this movie. These are elements that are entirely absent from the source material, but they work in X-men: Apocalypse because they provide something that the X-men mythos needs, but isn’t present in other mediums.

Singer and Kinberg pick and choose the elements of the source material to highlight and the elements to reject and overall, they choose wisely. The cast in X-men: Apocalypse is much richer than previous X-men movies. It doesn’t rely heavily on more obscure characters like Azazel, Darwin, or Angel Salvador. It reintroduces the X-men’s heavy hitters in Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Nightcrawler, who are given fresh life thanks to the acting talents of Tye Sherriden, Sophie Turner, and Kodi Smit-McPhee.

These are core characters to the X-men mythos. Without them, the X-men are missing a vital piece of their soul. Their presence and their portrayal help give X-men: Apocalypse the sense that it’s a complete X-men movie, not lacking in necessary elements nor trying to make up for them in other ways. It has all the ingredients and it makes use of them.

These ingredients include the continued dichotomy between Charles Xavier and Magneto, which retains the same complexity and constantly-shifting depth that began with Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen back in 2000. Both men have a vision for the mutant race. Both get opportunities to realize parts of that vision with Apocalypse acting as a catalyst. The clash of those visions, which forms the core of nearly every X-men movie that doesn’t involve Deadpool, brings out the core of what makes X-men work.

This core, along with the characters and themes around it, comprise only half the ingredients, though. The rest of X-men: Apocalypse succeeds or fails based on how those ingredients mesh in a plot. In this respect, the movie succeeds in every necessary way, but those looking for more advanced forms of success are just setting unreasonable expectations for a movie that doesn’t try to be more complex than it needs to be.

Apocalypse is the very antithesis of cunning and subtle. He doesn’t try to infiltrate or subvert his enemies. He’s the oldest, most powerful mutant who ever lived. He doesn’t have to resort to the tactics utilized by Hydra, Loki, or the Joker. He only has to use his power to influence and manipulate on a terrifying level that manifests in a massive spectacle that simply cannot be matched by civil wars or superhero brawls.

There is destruction. There is devastation. There is a conflict that consumes the entire planet, not just some airport in Germany or one generic American city. It’s over-the-top and excessive at times, but it’s also entirely appropriate for Apocalypse. What makes it work are the details behind the destruction. The way the young X-men get caught up in this conflict, the way Charles Xavier and Magneto’s visions clash, and the way the final confrontation unfolds all forge a plot that is concise, quick-paced, and coherent.

Not a frame is wasted. Every scene has a purpose. Every moment aids in the progression of the story. While that progression is rushed at times, the plot never gets derailed or chaotic. It never becomes overly elaborate or excessively dense. In a superhero movie built around destruction and spectacle, this is both an accomplishment and a necessity.

That’s not to say there aren’t some elements that slip through the cracks. X-men: Apocalypse employs a long list of iconic X-men characters. Not all of them get a chance to shine, but even those who don’t, such as Psylocke and Angel, don’t have their potential wasted or nullified. For these characters, X-men: Apocalypse is a teaser of sorts, showing off what they can do. For the brief moments they have, they do it well and leave the door open for future opportunities in other X-men movies.

It’s because of these elements that X-men: Apocalypse is unique in that it will confirm the bias of anyone who sees it with a specific intent. Those who are eager to hate it or are burned out on superhero movies can find a reason to not enjoy it. Those who are eager to embrace its excessive fan service and over-the-top spectacle will be able to do so. However, to hate X-men: Apocalypse requires a certain amount of short-sightedness.

What makes X-men: Apocalypse a landmark accomplishment for the X-men franchise has little to do with how it puts together a story and more to do with avoiding mistakes. When assessing the movie in this respect, there’s a certain context to consider when comparing it to other movies in the franchise. Those considerations include the following:

• Does this movie callously kill off major characters off-panel and never mention them again? No, it doesn’t.
• Does this movie include plot details that are wholly inconsistent with the timeline established by other movies? No, it doesn’t.
• Does this movie make egregious changes to a character, such as sewing Deadpool’s mouth shut? No, it doesn’t.
• Does this movie completely undermine iconic moments in the X-men mythos, such as Rogue choosing to cure her mutation or Jean Grey forcing someone to kill her instead of making a heroic sacrifice? No, it doesn’t.
• Does this movie attempt to hide the more colorful visuals of the mythos by making things more real and gritty? No, it doesn’t.

While the lack of flaws don’t necessarily make a movie great, they certainly give a movie a level of polish when seen in the context of its predecessors. X-men: Apocalypse has a level of polish that no X-men movie has achieved to date. It tells a concise, complete story with beloved, iconic characters through a cast of talented, charismatic actors. It checks all the right boxes and even includes a few bonuses, despite leaving a few holes for the cynical to exploit.

Even without the context of other X-men movies, X-men: Apocalypse stands as a complete, concise superhero movie. Singer and Kinberg finally assemble all the right ingredients and cook them in all the right ways. It’s fitting that a franchise built on the concept of mutation must undergo the chaotic and unforgiving process of natural selection to find something that works. X-men: Apocalypse, both as a superhero movie and a cinematic spectacle, works in ways that even the most ardent Social Darwinist cannot deny.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

X-Men: Apocalypse Final Trailer [HD] - Snikt Motherfucker!

Just one month left! One month until we find out once and for all whether Fox can make an X-men movie that doesn't suck and doesn't rely on Ryan Reynolds' insane dedication to making a Deadpool movie. There are a lot of ways Fox can fuck this up. They've done it in the past and it's unreasonable to think they won't do it again. But I'm feeling a bit more upbeat and maybe a bit high. I'm willing to give any movie a chance that has Jennifer Lawrence, Sophie Turner, Alexandra Shipp, and Oscar Issac a chance to be awesome. The final trailer came out today and it even offers something that might give it some extra awesome to compete with Disney, aliens, and ninja turtles. One word people. Snikt!


Oh Hugh, I'm going to miss you. I think I speak for a lot of X-men fans and horny housewives when I say we are so going to miss you. Nuff said!

Possible X-men: Apocalypse SPOILERS!

I don’t normally do this, but I felt like I had to make a big fucking exception for this. First of all, I know this is going to rub a certain set of people the wrong way. To those people I say, go back to 1996. This is 2016. The internet is here and it’s here to stay. That means shit is going to be spoiled. Movies, TV shows, video games...all of it will be spoiled. If you like spoilers, stay off the internet. For some people, that’s just too fucking hard and too fucking bad.

That said, here’s the deal. Some major spoilers may or may not have leaked for X-men Apocalypse. It’s still a little more than two months before the release. That means someone is blowing someone else to get info on screenings, scripts, etc. Someone’s jaw must be sore because someone on the internet toilet/treasure trove known as 4chan has posted what appears to be a full run-down of the events of X-men Apocalypse.

Now full disclosure here. I have no fucking clue as to how valid this is. It may be an elaborate act of trolling. It might be someone who just happened to blow the right person at Fox. But since I’m in the business of sharing juicy details with X-men fans, here it is, courtesy of some help from the fine folks at the CBR message boards.

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Begins with "2001"-esque imagery of the birth of humanity with a narration by Xavier on the different approaches of science and religion to evolution, and how sometimes they can become one and the same, as we see a caveman become possessed by Apocalypse.

Cut to ancient Egypt. Apocalypse is in an old, withered body, as his followers wait outside his temple, chanting his name and praying for his ressurrection. The Four Horsemen, hooded figure with techno-stone suits, bring a man (Oscar Isaac) into the chamber. The priestress slashes the man’s neck, but he recovers. He’s a mutant with Wolverine-tier healing. He’s one of the followers.

The man is loaded into a tablet, Apocalypse in other, and Apocalypse transfers his consciousness into the mutant’s body, rendering him blue. As he celebrates, he is betrayed by his Horsemen, who seal him away in a tomb and bury it in a deep chamber within the pyramid. The horsemen then appear before the followers and claim En Sabah Nur is dead.

Cut to 1989, as archaeologists are excavating the tomb of En Sabah Nur, the "forgotten pharaoh", they find the chamber where he’s entombed. One of the archaeologists reads an inscription they’ve pieced together from their research and manage to open the tomb, through which Apocalypse emerges and feeds off of their life force to regain a semblance of his strength.

Apocalypse stumbles into modern day Cairo and is disgusted by what his kingdom has been reduced to. As he walks around, covered in a cloak, and happens upon Storm, a street urchin and pickpocket, when she creates a gust of wind to distract some passerbyes so she can snag and dash. Apocalypse follows her into a flophouse where she’s holed up and finds her going through the meager gains of the day. Storm is weak, barely able to conjure lighting, which Apocalypse dodges. He then uncloaks, revealing himself to her, caresses her face, and calls her "my child". Her hair begins to turn white.

This segues into a montage of war, destruction and chaos, which turns out to be a nightmare from Jean Grey. She’s a student at the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters, which is now a public institution. Jean wakes up, Xavier is by her bedside and comforts her. She tells him she saw the end of the world, but Xavier reassures her it was just a dream. They walk around the mansion, discussing their powers and how Jean came into becoming Xavier’s first student. Xavier says he had nearly lost hope, but Mystique taught him there was a better future worth fighting for, and Jean, to him, symbolizes that hope for tomorrow. Mystique, I should add, is kind of a mutant hero for saving the President. Jubilee is another student at the mansion and Jean’s roommate.

Cut to Russia. Storm, now powerful as fuck, approaches Caliban, a broker who provides mutant mercenaries for stuff like assassinations, sabotage and shit. Apocalypse arrives and demands someone strong and merciless. In comes Psylocke, who quickly sneaks upon Storm with her sword, and upon being disarmed, pulls out her psi-blade. They have a brief girl fight before Apocalypse stops and recruits her to be the second Horseman.

We then meet Scott Summers, who is brought into the Xavier School by his estranged older brother Alex Summers. Scott doesn’t want to be there and is a douche to Alex, Xavier, Jubilee and Hank McCoy, but gets interested in Jean and agrees to stay for a weekend. Hank is not particularly thrilled with Scott, since he’s all like "I’m superior to everyone", which reminds him of Magneto. Xavier says there is no more Magneto.

Cut to Erik Lensherr living in a small village in Poland with a wife and small daughter. He’s still wanted by the government and went off the grid, and the townspeople don’t know he has powers. He works at the local steel mill and leads a generally happy life. Apocalypse, Storm and Psylocke show up at the factor and Apocalypse disables everyone so he can try to bring Erik to his side, but Erik refuses, and even uses his magnetism to fend Storm and Psylocke off. Apocalypse leaves with a cryptic warning that his façade won’t last, and we see he left one worker awake to witness the whole exchange, including Erik using his powers.

Cut to Mystique in Germany, intercepting a truck transporting young mutants to an underground fight club where they’re forced to fight for high rollers. She is then intercepted by a military group led by William Stryker, who has become obsessed with capturing her since she let Wolverine go before Stryker could get to him, and because she changed public perception of mutants for the better. Mystique beats up his men and escapes.

At the fight club, we see Angel being pitted against Nightcrawler, who wins. The crowd wants Nightcrawler to finish Angel off, but Nightcrawler refuses. The club owner then decides to have them both executed nevertheless, but Apocalypse and his followers arrive and kill the bodyguards. Nightcrawler teleports away, while Angel pleads allegiance to Apocalypse and becomes Archangel and proceeds to slaughter the high rollers as a terrified Nightcrawler watches from afar.

At the X-Mansion, Scott makes an ass of himself during a class taught by Xavier and gets into a fight with Jean. She thinks he’s a douchebag, he thinks she’s a nerd and a teacher’s pet. It’s supposed to be cute, but honestly it just feels awkward.

Back to Poland, as Erik leaves for work (his wife’s name is Magda and the daughter is named Anya, for whoever asked). Erik arrives at the plant and slowly notices the men lining up around him, led by the guy that saw he’s a mutant. They jump him and hit him with a tire iron, knocking him out.

When Erik comes to, he’s tied up in front of his home, as the townspeople drag his wife and daughter out as they plead for help. He’s too weak from the blow on his head, and just pleads mercy, but the townspeople tie them to poles and aim arrows at them. Erik yells for them not to. They set his house on fire, accuse Erik of being a monster and an aberrator, and kill the wife and daughter via firing squad. It’s tense as fuck, almost R-rating tier, I don’t even know if that shit will be allowed in the PG-13 cut.

Erik is next on the execution. The townspeople intend to burn him at stake, but he begins crying and yelling and suddenly everything metal goes crazy. Erik then kills the lynch mob with their own metal belongings, like the prom scene from Carrie, but once again lets his accuser live to go and tell the tale. He then pulls his wife and daughter’s mangled corpses from the poles, slowly fixes their hair and clothes and gives them a funeral pyre, while sharing them a story from his childhood he had earlier promised the little girl he’d tell. Xavier senses his pain from afar and dread overcomes him.

Mystique arrives at the fight club and finds the massacrated bodies of the locals, with Nightcrawler staying behind to pray for each of their souls, as an act of forgiveness for what they put him through. She asks him what happened, and he relays his brief encounter with Apocalypse. Mystique then decides to take him back to the Xavier mansion.

Back in the town, it’s now deserted. Everyone has fled. Erik is alone in the steel mill, mourning his death, when Apocalypse returns. Erik accuses him of ruining his life, but Apocalypse spews out some sick logic of merely pulling a thread that would unravel sooner or later, and inflict pain upon Erik now that he can grow stronger from it rather than later when it would just consume him. Apocalypse then convinces Erik to become the final Horseman, and enhances his powers, allowing Erik to level the entire town.

Mystique and Nightcrawler arrive at the X-Mansion, and Nightcrawler gets to know Jean and Jubilee, while the other students are afraid of him. Cyclops is a dick to Nightcrawler, which Beast remarks reminds him of how Havok was a dick to him. Mystique and Xavier reunite, and Mystique tells Xavier about Apocalypse. Xavier finds it suspicious, and decides to visit Moira McTaggert over at the CIA with Alex since she’s become an expert in mutant phenomena. Cyclops, that edgy rebel, rallies Jean, Nightcrawler and Jubilee to go blow some steam off at the mall, where they get into a fight with some local bullies and it’s all kinda’ silly.

At CIA headquarters, Xavier reunites with Moira. She doesn’t remember him because he wiped her mind, but is still attracted to him and respects his contributions for the mutant cause. She gives a basic infodrop on Apocalypse and we find out Stryker is also consulting with the CIA, and trying to get them to approve the Weapon X Program.

Quicksilver arrives at the X-Mansion searching for his father after hearing reports of Magneto destroying Poland and reunites with Beast and Mystique. Meanwhile, Xavier, Moira and Havok return to search for Apocalypse using Cerebro, but Apocalypse instead infects Xavier’s mind, forcing Havok to cut off the connection. Jean senses Xavier’s distress due to a telepathic link they share, and the young mutants return to the X-Mansion just as Apocalypse and the Horsemen attack it to kidnap Xavier and seize control of the Cerebro technology.

The young mutants attempt to intervene and shit goes south HARD, with Archangel killing Jubilee (she had a little bit of a flirt with Nightcrawler). Havok sacrifices himself to hold off the Horsemen while Beast and Mystique lead Moira and the young surviving mutants to the lower levels, but he is killed by Apocalypse, who proceeds to curbstomp the young mutants with his multiple powers. Apocalypse then leaves with the Horsemen and Xavier after Quicksilver manages to extract everyone to a safe location.

Apocalypse leads the Horsemen back to Cairo, where he excavates his pyramic, containing advanced technology including the transfer tablet. He then announces his plans to purge the Earth of the weak and create a better world from its ashes. Storm is uncomfortable when Apocalypse commits a massacre with his powers, to increase hisn own strength. His power, of course, is to transfer his mind to Xavier’s body. While being held captive, Xavier manages to reach out to Storm, who has been persecuted as a "witch" by all her life, and resents the human race for what they done to her because she’s "another innocent’ despite her being innocent and her own person, which Xavier points out she is doing right now. Xavier and Magneto also share a moment, with Xavier claiming Magneto’s grief is blinding him, and Magneto ignoring it. Psylocke and Archangel, though, are just psycho brutes.

The young mutants are scattered. Cyclops particularly takes Havok’s death hard and is comforted by Jean, while Mystique gives Nightcrawler some advice. Quicksilver is disheartened his father is among the Horsemen. Eventually, Mystique decides to pick up the dust and go rescue Xavier and stop Apocalypse. Beast decides to accompany her, and one by one the young mutants agree as well, and Moira decides to join them as well, resigning from the CIA. Meanwhile, Stryker uses Apocalypse’s massacre as proof mutants are dangerous and assembles a task-force codenamed "The Purifiers" to launch an all-out assault on Cairo, with a nuke being the last-ditch measure to prevent Apocalypse from fulfilling his plans.

Apocalypse’s secret weapon is the Horsemen themselves. Although they are not directly referred to as such, they embody the basic aspects of the biblican Horsemen. War (Magneto), Death (Archangel), Famine (Storm) and Plague (Psylocke, I guess?)

The X-Men suit up in prototype battlesuits developed by Beast and head to Cairo to rescue Xavier and battle Apocalypse and the Horsemen. They are intercepted by the Horsemen, who destroy the X-Jet, and crash-land in the derelict ruins ot a town in Cairo, where they battle the Horsemen. The Purifies also arrive, leading to a threeway battle, though the Purifiers are quickly disposed of. During the fight, Jean has a vision of Stryker launching the nuke, which in turns causes other countries to launch nukes as well as destroys the world, with Apocalypse as the sole survivor.

Mystique is taken out by Apocalypse, so Cyclops levels up and rallies the X-Men to fight the Horsemen. Through a combined effort, they take down Archangel (Nightcrawler delivers the final blow) and Psylocke (honor goes to Jean). Cyclops fights Storm while Quicksilver fights Magneto. Magneto can’t bring himself to kill Quicksilver upon learning he’s his father, while Cyclops manages to get through to Storm and she switches side.

When the other Horsemen are taken out, Apocalypse arrives, defeats them almost effortlessly, and begins tearing the world apart. Magneto realizes the error of his ways when he notices a young woman and her daughter, very similar to his own lost family, being vaporized in Apocalypse’s massacre. He turns the tables on Apocalypse and fights him, with Storm joining in, and eventually the other X-Men.

Apocalypse is weakened and retreats to his pyramid to transfer his consciousness to Xavier. He leaves his original body, but Xavier resists him, leading to a psychic battle. Cyclops blasts the pyramid’s defenses open and Jean uses her link to Xavier to help him battle Apocalypse in the astral plane, which also causes her to unlock her full powers.

Meanwhile, Stryker confronts Moira, accusing her of being a race traitor, and orders the launch. Moira alerts Magneto, who stops all the nukes in mid-air and dismantles them like he did in "First Class", but bigger. Nightcrawler saves Archangel from certain death as an act of forgiveness, while Quicksilver rescues Psylocke.

Apocalypse is so weakned by his battle with Xavier and Jean that he tries to return to the original body, but Mystique is impersonating it. Without the rapid healing, Apocalypse remains vulnerable both physically and mentally, and Xavier purges him out of Mystique’s mind, losing all his hair in the process. Apocalypse vanishes, unable to exist without a physical form, and all his followers lose their powers. Pyslocke escapes to go off on her own, while Nightcrawler allows Angel, now in control of his own emotions, to flee.

The X-Men have won, but the government is coming. On Xavier’s behalf, Cyclops destroys Apocalypse’s technology so they can consfiscate it, and they escape.

Back in the X-Mansion, Xavier and Magneto make amends over past mistakes, Mystique and Beast rekindle their relationship, and Mystique decides to stay behind. Cyclops and Jean kiss, Cyclops and Nightcrawler cement themselves as bros, and Magneto decides to leave to find his own place, but assures Xavier he’ll return one day, and "has one thing or two to teach these children". Quicksilver wants to go with him, but Magneto accepts him as a son, tells him he’d be proud to have Quicksilver as a member of the X-Men. Storm is also accepted into the Institute, as Jean’s roommate. As a gesture of kindness, she returns Jubilee’s locket, which she had taken after Jubilee was killed. Jean also displays greater telepathic and telekinetic powers than Xavier has predicted, and we have the tiniest foreshadowing of a Dark Phoenix lurking in the future.

The mutants are blamed for the destruction of Cairo and the full-scale assault on the world. A young politician, Robert Kelly, is amassing followers with his claims of mutant registration. Moira returns to the X-Mansion, having officially resigned from the CIA, and reveals that Stryker’s Weapon X Program has been approved, but she has stolen a copy of the files on Stryker’s first target: Wolverine.

Xavier assembles the X-Men: Cyclops, Jean Grey, Storm, Nightcrawler, Quicksilver, Beast and Mystique, and they depart to rescue Wolverine before Stryker gets to him.

Then we have a final stinger that didn’t really make much sense, of a government official of some sort doing cleanup on Cairo. He finds a lone, forgotten piece of Apocalypse’s technology and, upon touching it, his eyes become white, like Apocalypse’s.

So there you have it. This is what we can expect from X-men Apocalypse. Overall, I’m content with the fact that it doesn’t suck. That’s the most I think we can hope for with X-men movies, especially when the competition in Captain America: Civil War and Dawn of Justice will likely blow it the fuck out of the water. But still, an X-men movie that doesn’t fuck up as badly as X3 or Wolverine: Origins gets a seal of approval in my book. Nuff said!

X-Men: Apocalypse | Official Trailer [HD] | 20th Century FOX (Mutants Are Fucked)

The second and, presumably, final trailer for X-men Apocalypse came out. After seeing this, all I can say is this movie is going to get its mutant ass kicked by Captain America: Civil War. I love Sophie Turner, Jennifer Lawrence, and James McAvoy. I love X-men and will root for them over those who would try to replace them with bullshit Inhumans. But they're just not going to win 2016. Between Justice League, Captain America: Civil War, and a fucking Ninja Turtles movie that has Krang in it, I think I'm not crazy to say that X-men Apocalypse is fucked.

Overpriced, Chaotic, and Undeniably Entertaining: Deadpool #7

The following is my review of Deadpool #7, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The comic book industry has come a long ways since the days of Saturday morning cartoons, Richard Donner movies, and campy TV shows starring Adam West. There have been periods of growth, thanks to the tireless efforts of Sam Raimi and Christopher Nolan. There have been periods of darkness, thanks to the more forgettable efforts of Joel Shumacher and Brett Ratner. In the era of billion-dollar blockbusters and post-credits teasers, there have been very few constants. One of them is the irreverent humor of Deadpool.

Spider-Man may grow up, get married, get unmarried, and run his own company. Superman may wear red underwear, marry Lois Lane, have his marriage to Lois Lane undone, and date Wonder Woman. Gwen Stacy might become relevant again, despite being dead since the disco era. Deadpool, however, remains committed to the same deranged, bombastic persona that has given Ryan Reynolds a chance to redeem himself after the Green Lantern movie. It's almost hard to imagine that Deadpool was once labeled a Deathstroke rip-off.

With a movie coming out and a growing to-do list in the comics, Deadpool #7 offers a giant-sized plate of chimichangas to those who have come to appreciate his not-so-unique brand of humor. Like Seth MacFarlane, Deadpool built his career on telling the kinds of jokes that got most kids sent to the principal's office in grade school. That humor might be labeled as immature by those who eat their chimichangas plain and with no guacamole on the side, but Deadpool always found a way to appeal to the inner 8-year-old in all of us.

Deadpool #7 does plenty to cater this appeal while offering plenty of bonus material in the process. Most of that bonus material is somewhat forgettable, but it doesn't take away from the overall entertainment value of the finished product. Deadpool is described by some of his own fellow mercs as "an unfocused, impatient, chaos monkey." In terms of an over-arching narrative, there couldn't be a more appropriate description of Deadpool without including taco meat and spent bullet casings.

There's no way around it. The story that unfolds in Deadpool #7 is chaotic and unfocused. For any other character in any other medium, this would seriously undermine the story. For Deadpool, however, it's entirely appropriate. In fact, it embodies the primary appeal about Deadpool. In the same way Michael Bay movies gratuitously exploit CGI and Megan Fox's sex appeal, Deadpool exploits the chaotic violence around him with an irreverent humor that has undeniable entertainment value.

Nobody is going to mistake the story that unfolds for Watchman or Saga. That said, there is an actual story within the circus-like chaos that is Deadpool's life. His profile is rising in the Marvel universe and not because of anything Ryan Reynolds is doing. He's expanded beyond being a one-man mercenary operation and assembled a team called the Merc for Money. On the surface, they look like cos-players who are the complete antithesis of Ocean's 11, but their colorful, cartoonish presence is entirely fitting for Deadpool.

Despite being the founder, leader, and visionary behind the Mercs for Money, Deadpool spends most of the main story in Deadpool #7 being distracted. It's not the kind of distraction caused by excessive sugar or a lack of Adderall either. Deadpool, like every other character that tried to leech off of Wolverine's popularity, has a fragmented memory. Unlike Wolverine though, Deadpool has a sense of humor about it and that sense of humor creates the bulk of the entertainment value.

Deadpool goes about his reckless and destructive business with a casual bravado that never feels arrogant or egotistical. He'll casually sit back in a car and chat about his issues while the Mercs for Money get into a gun fight with Hydra. He'll stop shooting his machine guns into an army of Hand ninjas in order to ask a few questions, even though he has an axe lodged in his skull. Such an overly casual approach to such violence might not win him any allies at local PTA meetings, but it will make for plenty of entertaining moments.

These moments aren't well-organized, nor should they be in a story that reflects the living chaos that is Deadpool. There are times when they're difficult to follow, even if they are appropriate within the context of a Deadpool story. There is still a cohesive theme in the end that helps tie the chaos together, albeit barely. It helps set up Deadpool's next mission in a way that promises more gratuitous violence. If that's the primary measure by which all Deadpool stories are judged, then this one certainly qualifies.

The main story in Deadpool #7 acts as a testament of sorts to the entertainment value of Deadpool's narrative. As a means of justifying the $9.99 price tag, it also comes with a number of bonus stories that explore stories from other members of the Mercs for Money. Some of these bonus stories are more entertaining than others. Most are fairly forgettable, but they do at least add some extra depth to Deadpool's team.

None of them are as colorfully deranged as Deadpool himself, but that might be for the best. The Marvel universe can barely contain one Deadpool and Ryan Reynolds can only capture the essence of one non-Van Wilder character at a time. These other characters certainly have potential and personality. They just aren't going to inspire the same level of creative cos-playing that Deadpool inspires at every comic con.

Deadpool's story is still the primary selling point in Deadpool #7 and that story checks all the necessary boxes. The forgettable bonus stories don't detract from this selling point in any way, but they aren't going to make anyone feel better about the bloated price. It's still an entertaining Deadpool story, complete with obscene violence and unrepentant immaturity. As the failure of Wolverine Origins definitively proved, we wouldn't have Deadpool any other way.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Deadpool | Red Band Trailer 2 [HD] | 20th Century FOX

Merry Christmas, everybody! For just one second, put down the eggnog and stop thinking about how you're going to return your shitty gifts and celebrate with something truly festive. By that, I mean Deadpool. I mean come on! He's wearing red. That's a Christmasy color, isn't it?

Because we're mindless consumers, we buy into all the shit that Hollywood sells us when it comes to superheroes. However, this is Deadpool. He's NOT a typical superhero and this shit ain't rated PG-13. I could explain more, but I'd rather let the wonderfully charismatic, former Mr. Scarlett Johannsen explain it. Enjoy!

X-MEN: APOCALYPSE Official Trailer: Apocalyptic Odds

In the old X-men Animated Series, also known as the GREATEST CARTOON EVER, Apocalypse had one line that best summed up what an evil badass he was. He said this:

"There is no freedom from me. There is only freedom through me!"

THAT'S Apocalypse. That's who he is. Of all the complex villains in X-men history, he's probably the most basic. He's a mutant with god-like power, a god-like ego, and a god-like grudge against the weak. Surely, Fox is incapable of fucking up a movie with a character like this. I want to believe it. But time and again, Fox has proven that they're capable of fucking up any character. Just ask Dr. Doom.

That said, I do concede that Fox has done a better job minimizing their fuck-ups with X-men than it has Fantastic Four. I think Bryan Singer is a douche, but he's WAY better than Josh Trank. Pretty sure that shit is beyond dispute.

Singer indirectly admitted he let shit get really fucked up in the X-men movies when he left to make Superman a deadbeat dad when he rebooted the entire X-men canon in X-men: Days of Future Past. Pretty much everything from that movies is now as meaningful as David Hasselhoff's music career. It's probably for the best. Aside from Mystique running around naked, those movies were basically an elaborate circle jerk of stories centered around Wolverine whining about a woman he never got to fuck.

Fox now has a clean slate to work with. They shit all over the clean slate they had with Fantastic Four. Now, this might be their last chance to prove they can't fuck it up. And the trailer finally came out this past week, minus Ivan Ooze. So will it work? Will Singer avoid Trank's mistakes? I don't know. All I know is that Sophie Turner looks fucking gorgeous.


Even if this movie finds a way NOT to suck, the cards are already stacked against it. X-men Apocalypse isn't just battling other Marvel movies next summer. It also has to deal with Batman v. Superman and Independence Day as competition. And Marvel has proven time and again that even their sub-par movies beat the shit out of Fox's best. This is a movie destined to get swallowed up by the collective efforts of the Justice League, the Avengers, and Jeff Goldbloom. So put on some adamantium-coated underwear, X-men fans. It's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

Deadpool Official Sneak Peek #1 (2016) - Ryan Reynolds Movie HD

Ryan Reynolds was once on top of the world. He was an A-list star, a Hollywood hot guy, and married to Scarlett Johanssan. Then, shit just started going wrong in so many ways. And I'm not just talking about the Green Lantern movie. Reynolds has a lot of crap in his career that he may never live down. Barakapool will be one of those things is one of them. But with an R-rated Deadpool movie set to come out in 2016, I like to think he's on the road to recovery. Today, that road begins with the teaser trailer to the Deadpool movie that we've all wanted, but Wolverine Origins denied us.


Will it make Wolverine Origins suck any less? No. But will it help make up for it? If it's awesome, fuck yes. Nuff said!

Fifty Shades of Jean Grey - Official Trailer (The Sexier Version)

Let's face it, somebody was going to do this sooner or later. I like to think that this was a nice summary of Jean Grey and Wolverine's relationship during their time together in X-men Supreme. Sure, it sucked in the movies and constantly fucks up the comics. But let's face it, it's still pretty fucking hot.

X-men: Days of Future (Undoing the) Past - A Painfully Detailed Review

When it comes to providing quality awesome to the fine folks to who follow this mess of drunken ramblings some call a blog, I am fully willing to put myself through plenty of punishment. I will endure hangovers, brain damage, and strange burn marks on my ass that I don't remember getting after blacking out at a rave in Miami. That's how dedicated I am. Now it's easier for me in some respects because sometimes pain gives me a boner. But what I just did is nowhere near as enjoyable as paying a couple of strippers to bite my nipple and choke me while I touch myself. Since I know some fans would be clamoring for it, I sucked it up and did it. I saw X-men: Days of Futures Past.

Now I had planned to see this movie at some point, preferably when it came out on cable so I could go to the bathroom during commercial breaks and throw up when I needed. But I decided to just bite the bullet, sneak some whiskey into a movie theater, and saw the movie so that I can at least give the impression that I know what the fuck I'm talking about when I discuss it. Sure, I left drunk, but I also left with a full assessment of this movie that was supposed to give the X-men movies a fresh start.

Let's start by getting one thing out of the way. X-men: Days of Futures Past is NOT as awful as X3 or Wolverine Origins or The Wolverine. But again, that's like saying punch in the jaw feels better than a kick in the balls. The bar for quality in the X-men movies has been set so fucking low that Homer Simpson has the athletic ability to jump it. So making a movie that didn't make fans want to violently shit out their intestines through their eye sockets wasn't very hard. However, that doesn't mean it was worth massaging Bryan Singer's ego.

Because that's really the impression I got when I saw this movie. X-men: Days of Futures Past was all about ego. There's a very salient scene that was blatantly spoiled in a trailer where Xavier and Magneto have this little exchange:

Xavier: You took the things that meant most to me.

Magneto: Well maybe you should have fought harder for them.

Then Magneto fucks up the plane to make his point, which is a pretty effective way to win an argument. But when I saw this, I got the sense that this same conversation happened at some point behind the scene.

Bryan Singer: You destroyed something that meant so much to me.

Brett Ratner: Well maybe you should have fought harder for it.

That really is what this is about. Singer himself stated outright that this movie was meant to fix the steaming mountain of shit that Brett Ratner created when he spewed out X3 through his colon. But let us not forget the context of that epic tragedy. Singer is the one that ditched the X-men movies. Ratner was just the dipshit Fox hired to try and replace him. Singer put Ratner in a position to desecrate his own mountains of shit and for what? So he could make a movie that turned Superman into a fucking deadbeat dad? I'm sorry, Mr. Singer, but you have nobody to blame but yourself for this shit.

And that is very much the same situation that Charles Xavier finds himself in. He just fucking up and quit, turning into a burned out Saturday Night Fever wannabe after he lost his team and his students. And it wasn't like Magneto took them from him. They all got drafted into the Vietnam War because back in the 60s and 70s, public lynchings of minorities were less tolerated so the the government did the next best thing and sent their asses to war. Yes, it's a dick move. But it's an even bigger dick move to not do dick about it.

It's only when Xavier and the rest of the surviving X-men in the dystopian world of 2023 concoct the plan to send Wolverine back to the past to give his younger self a good kick in the ass. This in and of itself reeks of the same bullshit that made X3 such an infuriating subject for drunken X-men fans. In the same way Wolverine was forced into the main role that Cyclops should have had in X3, Wolverine is forced into the main role that Kitty Pryde should have had in X-men Days of Futures Past. At the very least, this time Kitty Pryde still plays a significant role. Unfortunately, she plays the role Rachel Grey should've played, but that's to be expected since Rachel Grey's parents were fucking killed. So from the beginning, this movie walks the same shit-stained path of X3.

However, it doesn't stay on that path. X-men Days of Futures Past actually relies less on shitty action and more on actual plot. There is a greater emphasis on making character moments that actually bring out a little emotion. The problem is those emotions still ring hollow. At no point in this movie does it make anyone forget just how badly the previous X-men movies were fucked. These emotions feel like nothing more than teases, like a stripper only pretending to take her top off. They never feel totally sincere.

That's not to say there isn't a concerted effort, but they leave me more confused than touched. Like why the fuck would Mystique get all weepy and teary-eyed over the deaths of Emma Frost, Azazel, or Banshee? There was absolutely no material in this movie or in X-men First Class to establish that she gave more than a partial fuck about them. I understand that they're all mutants and they're all supposed to be one big happy mutant brotherhood, but it's hard to take those emotions seriously when we have to just assume that Mystique, a character who has given fewer fucks than anyone in the X-men comics for the past decade, was actually really close to her teammates.

That's another thing that made me wish I snuck in another bottle of whiskey into the theater. A lot of the characters from X-men First Class were dead before this movie even began. Apparently, they had all been captured and subject to Nazi style torture by Bolivar Trask. No flashbacks. No teaser scene. They're all just dead and that's supposed to be what sets Mystique on the path to killing Trask, which somehow ushers in the dark and dangerous future that needs to be undone.

And that's yet another thing. Mystique is supposed to have killed Trask in 1973. And somehow THIS was supposed to be the trigger point. Yet in that time, the events of X1, X2, and X3 were able to transpire. Xavier said it himself. Trask's death is what kickstarted the Sentinel program. Yet his X-men, with all their power, did absolutely jack shit about it in all that time. The X-men are many things, but they're not nearly as inept as the fucking government. It lacks so many details, the least of which involves Bolivar Trask being alive and black in X2. Those are details that can be ignored in some circumstances, but this movie is trying to squeeze itself into the same universe as every other X-men movie. And therein lies the biggest flaw of X-men Days of Futures Past.

In Singer's effort to save his baby and his ego, he forgets that there are a fuckton of inconsistencies that should've made X-men First Class a reboot from the get go. 

First off, why the fuck is Bolivar Trask in X2, black, and not dead?

Second, how the fuck did Xavier and Magneto team up in X3 to recruit a young Jean Grey when they were clearly mortal enemies?

Third, how was Xavier able to walk when he met a young Jean Grey in X3 and still wield his telepathic powers when this movie established that so long as he took this drug to treat his legs, he couldn't use his telepathy?

Fourth, how is it that Xavier and Beast developed a serum that effectively suppressed their powers back in fucking 1973, yet they claimed they couldn't help mutants like Rogue or Cyclops, who couldn't control their powers?

Fifth, if a cure for mutant powers was developed that long ago, why the fuck was it such a big deal in X3?

Sixth, if Emma Frost is dead, then who the fuck was that same diamond-skinned woman in Wolverine Origins?

Seventh, if the Sentinels had working models as far back as 1973, why the fuck didn't they ever show up sooner? William Stryker knew about them. Yet he didn't bother using them when he attacked the X-men in X2?

Eighth, after Magneto demonstrates his power by taking an entire fucking football stadium and plop it down around the White House, how is it that Richard fucking Nixon, of all Presidents, basically shrugs his shoulders when Mystique decides to stop him? This is Richard Nixon, the man who began the drug war and spied on anyone who he couldn't make his bitch. Yet he's not paranoid enough to come up with some insane weapon to stop mutants like Magneto?

I could go on. There are so many inconsistencies in this movie that the idea that it takes place int he same universe as the other X-men movies makes no fucking sense, no matter how much LSD or weed anyone ingests. The only thing that can be said about this movie is that it did succeed in one important way. It completely undid the events of every other X-men movie, from X1 to The Wolverine. None of that shit happened. In the end, Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Professor Xavier are alive. Rogue is still at the school and not swapping spit with Iceman, hinting that her powers aren't cured. The Xavier Institute is still intact and Wolverine didn't turn into a complete fucking pussy by ditching the team to run off and hump Mariko Yashida. I admit this did make the movie feel satisfying. All these other X-men movies that I hated with the passion of a billion lit farts have officially been nullified. However, the same problems still persist.

Characters like Rogue are still horribly underdeveloped and utterly different from their entire history in the comics. Cyclops is still just the pretty boy who acts as an obstacle to Wolverine humping whoever he wants to hump at the moment. Jean Grey is still this passionless, dead-eyed barbie doll that exists only to turn Wolverine into Edward Cullen. Storm still lacks the grace and charisma that she's supposed to have because it doesn't jive with Halle Barry's acting style. And since Singer is staying on board, there's no reason to believe this shit will change, even with the complete reboot that this movie created.

So what more can I say about X-men: Days of Futures Past that I can't say while sober? In terms of comic book movies, this one has to be graded on a reverse curve because every other X-men movie sucks so horribly that it's impossible to compare it to other movies like the Avengers or Captain America: The Winter Soldier. But it did at least attempt to catch up to the new, refined style of comic book movies by undoing the shitty movies that came before it. 

However, it tried way too fucking hard to make X-men First Class fit into the same world. It would have been much easier and opened so many new doors to just say, "Fuck it, X-men First Class is a reboot." But Singer just had to undo the shit that fucked up his precious X2. I can't give this movie too high or too low a score in that respect. Right now, I'll give it a 5 out of 10 because while it still sucked when it came to details, it did succeed in what it was supposed to do. Now we can all just cheer that X3, Wolverine Origins, and The Wolverine officially didn't happen. Then we can look forward to Singer fucking up this new timeline. For that, I'm going to need way more whiskey when I go into the theaters to see X-men: Apocalypse. Nuff said!

Wolverine: Days of Futures Past Trailer - Guest Starring The X-men

I can't make any jokes about certain issues. Genocide, racism, and rape are all touchy subjects and I'm no Danial Tosh. For me, the X-men movies are right up there. I've already made my sentiment clear in plenty of previous posts. I fucking hate every fucking X-men movie that Fox has shat out of their diseased twat. Bryan Singer took a big steaming piss on the concept with his first two movies. Brett Ratner took a massive shit that made it completely irredeemable. Brian K. Vaughn had a chance to reboot the whole thing and substantially unfuck it. But now Singer has come back and is intent on ensuring it remains fucked.

I could go on and on about why these movies are so fucked. I could talk about how James Marsden turned Cyclops into the same fucking character he plays in every movie where he's just the pretty boy who loses out to some other guy who steals his girl, his livelihood, and his life. I could talk about how Jean Grey was given the personality of a comatose chimp. I could talk about how Rogue became the exact opposite of everything that made her awesome in every other X-men medium. I could talk about how every movie turned Wolverine from the ultimate badass to a walking vagina that disgust even Edward Cullen. But I won't. I don't have the strength or the liver capacity to review the long list of reasons these X-men movies suck. It usually just comes down to Bryan Singer not giving enough fucks about characters not named Wolverine. And even when he does care, his only method seems to be making Wolverine into a fucking pussy. But I digress.

Fox and Singer still aren't done fucking the X-men up beyond all recognition. They've got this movie coming out called Wolverine: Days of Futures Past. Actually, they claim it's called "X-men" Days of Futures Past. But we all know that's bullshit on a stick. This is not an X-men movie. It's just Wolverine with the X-men playing a supporting role. Because Singer knows that all worked SO fucking well in X3 where they took the greatest X-men story of all time, the Phoenix Saga, and made it all about fucking Wolverine. Now they're going to take the second greatest X-men story of all time, Days of Futures Past, and make it about fucking Wolverine. That's like someone who just shot themselves in the foot choosing to shoot their other foot just because they want to finish the job. It's like snorting anthrax and then getting an small pox enema. There's no fucking excuse. And the latest trailer basically confirms that this piece of shit movie is going to be another X3. It's not an X-men movie. It's just another bullshit Wolverine movie.



I don't think I need to say anything else. I know this movie is going to make a metric fuckton of money that it doesn't deserve. Even if every fucking person who sees it hates it, Fox will turn a profit and that's all the excuse they need to make another one. They don't own these characters. They just own the rights. That is the extent of the amount of fucks they give. And short of a total fucking reboot, every X-men movie is destined to be completely and utterly fucked. Nuff said.

X-men: Days of Futures Past - Decoding Whether It Will Suck

I've avoided talking about the upcoming X-men: Days of Futures Past movie on this blog and for good reason. Every time I start talking about the X-men movies, I get so worked up I need three shots of heroin just to keep the veins in my neck from exploding. I've made no secret of my sentiment towards the X-men movies. I think they all suck more balls than Jenna Jameson in her prime. But I know I can't ignore this shit. It's going to give off a shitty stench no matter what I say or don't say. But I wouldn't be much of an X-men fan and this wouldn't be much of a blog if I didn't at least mention this movie. And at the request of someone from The Hollywood Reporter, I think I have something I can share with my wonderful readers that doesn't involve a shot of heroin.

Longtime X-Men fans have bemoaned the fact that this summer’s X-Men: Days of Future Past sends Wolverine back in time to prevent a particularly dystopian future instead of Kitty Pryde, who served that role in the original comic version of the story. But what if there’s more going on than people suspected?

Read More At The Following Link:

'X-Men: Days of Future Past': Decoding CinemaCon's Time-Traveling Clip (Analysis)

X-men Days of Futures Past Trailer - Needless Hope

I don't claim to be without flaws. I know my flaws are long enough to earn me a spot on the Jerry Springer All-Pro team, but I don't minimize my major flaws or trivialize my numerous minor flaws. I like to think that I'm an honest drunk. And because of that, I get pissed off at people who think their biggest flaw is some contrived bullshit that can't be used to beat them over the head. So naturally, I'm extremely pissed off at the X-men movies.

I've already made my sentiment about these movies painfully clear on this blog. I despise them on a scale that would make Uatu the Watcher shit himself in awe. I could do several blogs listing all the ways the X-men movies suck worse than anything Joel Shumacher could ever produce. There's the bullshit characterization, the shitty character deaths, the piss poor pacing, the horribly underdeveloped relationships, bad acting on the part of otherwise awesome actors, and stories that take a big steaming shit on some of the most iconic comics of all time. The X-men movies actually did something that I thought was impossible. They turned Wolverine into a total fucking pussy despite Hugh Jackman doing everything he could to look badass enough for the part. And any X-men story turns the one of the most badass characters in all of fiction into a whiney pussy who gets all weepy over a woman he barely fucking knows for a few days deserves to be treated with the same contempt as that asshole kid in grade school who likes to take a shit in other kids' backpacks. That guy knows who he is and we know why we should hate him.

But it's not enough that the X-men movies took a massive shit on the Phoenix Saga, also known as the greatest X-men story ever told. Now Bryan Singer is back and may potentially take an equally massive shit on Days of Futures Past, also known as the second greatest X-men story ever told. He's already given the finger to the source material, once again making fucking Wolverine the central character that goes back in time instead of Kitty Pryde. I guess Singer forgot how badly that worked out when X3 tried to shove Wolverine into Cyclops's role with the Phoenix Saga. He probably thinks that he can thrust Wolverine into more places than a lesbian sex addict ina dildo factory and past movies have shown that the results are more fucked than a used condom at Ron Jeremy's house. While this movie is being billed as a soft reboot of sorts in an effort to fix X3 while not admitting that anyone fucked up, I have very little hope for it.

None the less, a trailer has finally come out. And in this trailer, "hope" is billed as the most important component to the X-men movies. "We need you to hope again" is somehow supposed to be all it takes to make the X-men movies not suck. I say that adding hope to these movies is like trying to take a piss to put out a forest fire. It just isn't enough.

This trailer doesn't change my conclusion. It's basically a bunch of flat characters with iconic names being thrust into a story that is going to be centered around making Wolverine the focus of fucking everything with Charles Xavier and Magneto playing minor supporting roles. But that's just the sentiment of a drunken lifelong comic book fan. I'm sure this shit will make a fuckton of money and it'll be declared a success, no matter how many people it pisses off. That's by far the biggest flaw. I'm sorry young burned out 70s Charles Xavier, but hope just isn't going to cut it. Nuff said!

The Wolverine Trailer (And Why Movie Wolverine Is A Total Pussy)

It happened again today. Another trailer for another upcoming X-men movie came out. For me, that means one of two things. First, it means the executives at Fox are low on money for blow and hookers. Second, it means I need to stock up on hard liquor, weed, and Valium because every bit of news regarding X-men movies has made me want to shove C4 up my urethra, swallow several sticks of dynamite, and jump into a live volcano. But this is a blog about X-men and I wouldn't be a very responsible drunk of I didn't do a post about it.

First off, we already know what to expect with The Wolverine. If you've seen Batman Begins, you're not missing anything. Wolverine has suffered a huge loss, he's gone emo, he ditches the world he knows to find meaning, and ends up getting help from some stereotypical Asian guys. But unlike Batman, Wolverine does it in a way that somehow makes one of the most badass characters in the history of Marvel comics into a total pussy.

Let me start off by saying that I know I'm in the minority here. I am among those few X-men fans who absolutely hates the X-men movies. And I'm not just talking about Brett fucking Ratner or fucking Barakapool. I fucking hate Bryan Singer's movies. Yes, I know his movies paved the way for comic book movies everywhere. I know he's regularly praised for his brilliance and I do concede that he's done some great shit. I will gladly kiss his ass for the rest of my days for The Usual Suspects and House. But he's a fucking dipshit when it comes to comic book movies and he took X-men and butt-fucked it to a a point where the only good X-men movie we can get is X-men First Class, a movie that he was never involved in and didn't use his precious Wolverine.

This trailer in many ways highlights why Singer's X-men movies suck donkey balls and why there's no reason to hope that Days of Futures Past will be any better. First off, let's look at movie Wolverine and compare him to his comic counterpart. In the movies Wolverine meets up with the X-men, makes friends with Rogue, flirts with Jean, but then ditches the team at the end of the first movie. He comes back in the second movie, basically does jack shit aside from throw temper tantrums, tries to bone Jean Grey again, and basically distracts from every single side-plot. And in X3, he's supposed to now be teaching the team. He tries to bone Jean Grey again, but only ends up having to murder her ass and fails to keep Cyclops and Xavier from getting killed. And what does he do after all this tragedy? Well according to this trailer and the other trailer, he fucking leaves!

That's right. At a time when the X-men have lost Charles Xavier and two of the most capable X-men, he fucking up and leaves! And why? Because he's still pining for Jean Grey? Well here's one major detail that separates his boner for Jean in the movies compared to the comics. He knew Jean Grey for only a few days. I need to emphasize this. HE KNEW JEAN GREY FOR ONLY A FEW FUCKING DAYS! He left at the end of X1. She died at the end of X2 shortly after he returned. And she returned in X3 just so he could kill her. Yet somehow she's now the love of his fucking life? Never mind that they never got to hook up in the comics outside of AUs and never mind that she fucking married Cyclops, who was basically killed off to make room for Wolverine. How the fuck is Jean suddenly this epic love affair with Wolverine when he didn't even know the first thing about her? I mean look at X1 and X2. He had more screen time with Rogue than he did with Jean and now in this trailer he's having a vision of her? That's the kind of shit we expect from Edward Cullen. Not Wolverine.

On top of that, I need to reiterate something else. He fucking ditched the X-men at the end of X3! They are probably hurting a great deal after so many deaths, but he doesn't see fit to stick around and help? He just goes all emo and runs off to Japan? Since when the fuck did Wolverine, the badass hero who was supposed to have a sense of honor, get so sensitive that he just ditches a bunch of young mutants who need him badly because of some woman he barely fucking knew?! That's not badass. That's not just a dick move either. That's just being a flat out pissant little bitch!

Compare that with recent events in the comics. Professor Charles Xavier and Jean Grey died too. But in the comics, Wolverine actually stuck around and developed a close personal relationship with both. And when they did die with Jean in Planet X and Xavier in Avengers vs. X-men, he didn't fucking leave. He stayed with the X-men and became a leader even though he knows he's not good at it. Just read his fucking speech in Uncanny Avengers #1. That's fucking Wolverine. If that Wolverine met his movie version and found out that he just ditched the X-men, he wouldn't just murder his ass. He would piss on the remains.

Don't get me wrong. I love Hugh Jackman. I love Femke Jenssen. But the characters they played were fucked. Wolverine was a total fucking pussy. And Jean Grey in the movies was nothing more than a walking dick warmer for Wolverine that he never got to try out. And yet we're somehow supposed to respect him as this badass? I would respect a fucking Kardashian before I respect someone like that!

And I do blame Bryan Singer. He's the one who got the ball rolling on this shitty incarnation of Wolverine. He's the one who basically turned the X-men movies into glorified Wolverine movies and nothing more. And now he's the one trying to turn another epic X-men story, Days of Futures Past, into a movie. I have absolutely no confidence in him, nor do I have confidence in the future of X-men movies. I believe the only way this could ever be fixed is if Days of Futures Past becomes to X-men what Batman and Robin was to Batman movies. Bryan Singer needs to become the new Joel Shumacher so that he will never be allowed to touch another X-men movie, or comic book movie, until the end of time. He's already bombed on Jack the Giant Killer. Just one more bomb and he can be done with this shit so someone else can take over. At this point, I would give Joel Shumacher another shot at directing a comic book movie than I would Bryan Singer.

I get that this drunken rant is just that. A rant. I also know that Byran Singer is never going to read this shit and neither is Hugh Jackman or anyone at Fox. But I'm just putting it out there. Singer's X-men movies suck! His Wolverine sucks! His Jean Grey sucks! And this movie and Days of Futures Past is destined to suck if he keeps doing the same shit. And until that changes, I have no hope that we can ever have a decent X-men movie in the way. Instead, we're only going to be stuck with shit like this.

Nuff said!

Newsarama Update: What We Know About "X-men Days of Futures Past"

It's been a while since I talked about anything related to the X-men movies. I sort of have to because anytime I start talking about X-men movies I black out and wake up face down on my kitchen floor with all my booze gone and a stabbing pain in my ass. That's what happens when Fox and Marvel collectively gangbang the movies into oblivion with shit like X3 and Wolverine Origins. I mean what the fuck were they on when they came up with fucking Barakapool? There are some drugs that even I won't touch and that would be one of them.

But whether this shit kills my liver or not, it doesn't change the fact that these movies make a fuckton of money and Odin knows that the big wigs at Fox and Marvel can never have enough imported blow. While X-men First Class was an upgrade purely because it didn't follow any of the shit storms kicked up by the previous movies, Bryan Singer is looking to take it a step further with X-men First Class: Days of Futures Past. He's looking to do the exact opposite of what Brett Ratner did and NOT fuck up one of the most beloved stories in the history of X-men. That shouldn't sound too hard on paper, but given how Singer himself says he hated X3 he knows he's got a lot of unfucking to do.

Nope. Still not enough to undo X3. Nice try though.

Thankfully, Singer appears to be pulling out all the stops. He's not just bringing the X-men First Class crew back into the fold. He's bringing in other X-men veterans like Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian "Gandalf" McKellen. Apparently, the X-men alumni are just as eager to put X3 behind them as the rest of the universe. It's making for a crowded movie with a ton of star power who will likely be fighting for screen time, bonuses, and Eastern European hookers. As such, Newsarama recently did a nice article compiling everything we know so far about this movie. And after reading it, I've concluded we still don't know jack shit.

Newsarama: What We Know About X-men: Days of Futures Past

X-Men: Days of Future Past is a little under 18 months away, and director Bryan Singer is announcing casting news via his Twitter account on a regular basis, with what feels like everyone who showed up for a frame in the first few X-Men movies returning for this one.
So let's take a look at what we know so far, along with a little bit of speculation as to what could be next. 

WHO'S IN

A lot of people.

No, seriously: Days of Future Past is effectively of a direct sequel to 2011's X-Men: First Class, so it's not a shock that much of the main cast from the '60s-set film — Michael Fassbender (Magneto), James McAvoy (Charles Xavier), Jennifer Lawrence (Mystique) and Nicholas Hoult (Beast) — are all back. 

But the time traveling nature of Days of Future Past means that a lot of the contemporary X-Men from the original three films — the first two directed by Singer, and the third by Brett Ratner — are also returning. Hugh Jackman will play Wolverine for the seventh time (counting his memorable First Class cameo), and Ian McKellen (modern-day Magneto) and Patrick Stewart (modern-day Xavier) are also on board, according to Singer.

This past weekend, three more X-alumni were added to the already large Days of Future Past cast: Anna Paquin (Rogue), Shawn Ashmore (Iceman) and Ellen Page (Kitty Pryde). The latter's inclusion seems especially notable, given the important part that Kitty Pryde played in the "Days of Future Past" comic book story that serves as inspiration to the film.

Though that's already a lot of X-Men, there's no indication that Singer is stopping here. Someone like James Marsden (Cyclops), who's playing a big role in the 30 Rock wrap-up, sure seems like a possibility given his importance to the franchise, but there's been no word yet on his involvement. (And yeah, his character died in The Last Stand, but a) time travel, and b) X-Men characters have been known to come back from the dead once or twice.) 

Halle Berry (Storm) may seem like a long-shot to return for what is likely a small part, but she is one of the many big names in Movie 43, so really anything is possible. Rebecca Romijn — the original movie Mystique — had a quick First Class appearance, so no reason to count her out, either.

There's even been word that Alan Cumming, who appeared in 2003's X2: X-Men United as Nightcrawler but did not return for The Last Stand, is interested in returning.

"Enough time has elapsed that I would like to go back to it," Cumming was quoted by NME via ComingSoon.net. "I haven't gotten the call. Someone told me that Nightcrawler doesn't appear in the story but I don't know, I think they would have called by now."

Also in the "no word either way" category: Kelsey Grammer, The Last Stand's Beast (but with younger Beast confirmed to be playing a role, maybe?); and plenty of First Class cast members like Caleb Landy Jones (Banshee), Lucas Till (Havok) and Zoë Kravitz (Angel Salvadore)

Also, hey: Along with the bonanza of returning characters, it's likely that the movie will introduce a couple of new-to-movie characters, right? Purely speculating here, but given the nature of the story, might noted time-travelers Cable or Bishop be a possibility? Or maybe Rachel Summers — a product of the "Days of Future Past" comic book story?

WHO'S OUT

Inevitably, a few X-Men wont be in Days of Future Past (as unlikely as that may seem right now). It's looking at this point that Famke Janssen, who played Jean Grey in the first three movies, is not planned to return. In a recent interview with Collider promoting Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Janssen said, "If you run into Bryan Singer, just tell him I’ve been sitting by the phone, I’ve been hearing rumors of all these people getting cast; what about me? I’m waiting." 

Yet there have been multiple reports that Janssen will cameo as Jean Grey in this year's The Wolverine, so don't count her out yet. (Yes, she also died in The Last Stand. It's Jean Grey we're talking about.) 

January Jones also doesn't seem optimistic about a Days of Future Past role — quoted by MovieWeb as saying "I don't think Emma [Frost]'s in this one" — news likely to please the many fans less than enthused by her performance in First Class.

WHAT'S THE STORY?

Days of Future Past is one of the most famous X-Men stories of all time, originally appearing in 1981's Uncanny X-Men #141-#142. It presents a bleak alternate future where most of the X-Men are dead, and mutants are hunted even worse than they are in the mainstream Marvel timeline. 

It's all because the X-Men failed to stop the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, led by Mystique, from killing the anti-mutant Senator Robert Kelly. That caused all sorts of major problems for homo superior, and prompted the adult "Kate" Pryde to transports her mind back in time into her younger body to warn the X-Men about the consequences of the assassination. The story also served as the introduction of Rachel Summers, the alternate future daughter of Cyclops and Jean Grey that remains an important part of current X-Men comics.

In a newly published interview with Empire, Singer made it clear that time travel is an important part of his story, and that he even consulted with James Cameron. 

"You have to create your rules and stick with them," Singer told the UK film magazine. "That's why Terminator and Back To The Future work so well. And there are certain mechanisms in X-Men, certain powers, perceptions and characters, that make this possible."

Singer also made clear that the movie will indeed take cues from the comic, albeit in a way that makes sense for the format.

"It has a lot of aspects of the comic," Singer said. "The actual comic of Days Of Future Past had a whole ton of stuff going on, so it’s like any of these things; you have to distill it. But I think the fans will be pleased that some of the most exciting parts of Days Of Future Past are going to be connected to this movie."

Comic book superstar Mark Millar is a creative consultant on Fox's Marvel movies, and a few months back implied that the movie will have something important to the "Days of Future Past" comic book story but not yet really seen in the movies: Sentinels, the giant mutant-hunting robots long a part of X-Men lore.

“You've got robots, you've got time travel, you've got superheroes," Millar said in an interview with SFX. "It's got everything in one film."

At the time, Matthew Vaughn — the director of First Class — was still scheduled to direct Days of Future Past, so any or all of that may no longer apply. Speaking of Vaughn, back in 2011, he spoke with HitFix about his speculative plans for a First Class sequel. (Keep in mind that First Class took place in 1962 during the Cuban Missile Crisis, 13 months before John F. Kennedy was assassinated.)

"I've got some ideas for the opening for the next film," Vaughn said. "I thought it would be fun to open with the Kennedy Assassination, and we reveal that the magic bullet was controlled by Magneto.  That would explain the physics of it, and we see that he's pissed off because Kennedy took all the credit for saving the world and mutants weren't even mentioned."

Though Vaughn is no longer directing the film, now that we know Days of Future Past is the inspiration of the film, could it be that it's not Robert Kelly's assassination that the X-Men are trying to foil, but rather a much less fictional politician?

It's just speculation for now, but at the rate things are going, we'll likely learn a lot more about Days of Future Past between now and its scheduled July 18, 2014 release date. 
So what are we to make of this information? Fuck if I know. I still abide by the drunken logic that the only way X-men movies can ever be made palpable again is if X3 and Wolverine Origins is completely rebooted and denied like the moon landings for the rest of eternity. Days of Futures Past might be a way to actually accomplish that, but doing so might just make too much sense. The X-men movies are notorious for giving the source material a big middle finger. X2 was the only time they actually managed to get away with it partially, but more often than not Fox and Marvel eventually fuck it up. And I'm going to keep assuming they'll do that with Days of Futures Past until proven otherwise. Nuff said!

X-men First Class Trailer - Just Because

I know I've been among the most cynical when it comes to X-men movies. My eyes still haven't recovered from the cocaine fueled gang-rape that was X3. I've been completely repulsed by the every concept of an X-men movie ever since. But seeing as how people still go to see them, Marvel and Fox are naturally going to keep making them. Now a while back I went on a long rant over the news that X-men First Class wouldn't actually contain the First Class. Maybe I'm weird, but when you call something X-men First Class why not actually follow it? There's a term for calling a movie a name just to evoke a certain response. That term is being a dick.

Whatever the bullshit surrounding the premise of a movie titled X-men First Class, Marvel and Fox are actually going through with it. They have to. They need to keep making X-men movies or they lose the rights. That means they don't have to worry about quality. So long as people see them it doesn't mean shit. That's Hollywood for you. But rather than go on another rant, I'll leave it up to the viewers to decide. If you can watch the X-men First Class trailer without being reminded of the horrors of X3, I envy you.

X-men First Class Details - Officially Shit

Well after months of speculation, some details about the upcoming X-men First Class movie have finally emerged. It's been a fucked up couple of weeks with new cast members being used that seem like someone opened up a Marvel Dictionary, got a secretary piss faced drunk, spun her around on a chair, and then had her randomly point out characters to use. That list now includes C and D-listers like Darwin, Banshee, Havok, Angel Salvador, and Azazel (Nightcrawlers father) along with more established names like Magneto, Mystique, and Professor Xavier. All the while there has been intense speculation on who will play Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Storm. Because seriously, you can't have a movie called X-men First Class with the characters most associated with the First Class right?

WRONG SHITHEAD!

Those are Singer's (implied) words, not mine. With filming set to begin next month, Singer finally spilled on the details and some of them may disgust fans about half as much as X3 while requiring the others who actually see this movie to have a blood-alcohol content of no less than .15 in order to make it through. Here are some tidbits from an interview by Screenrant.

• X-Men: First Class is not like the “X-Men: First Class” comics, hence the significant character differences.
• It takes place in the 1960s where Kennedy is still president.
• Equality and racism are key issues with Martin Luther King and Malcolm X dominating mainstream media with the Civil Rights movement (foreshadowing (even mirroring) the mutant situation to come).
• Director Matthew Vaughn is very interested in the setting and what Singer describes as the “James Bond tech of the time”, as Harry puts it.
• Shooting will begin with Charles Xavier attending Oxford University.
• We’ll get to see classic X-Men costumes, much more similar to the comics than we’ve seen in previous movies.
• The movie will be the franchise’s most international yet, with shooting taking place in the U.S. and England, and the story also involving at least The Soviet Union as well.
• We’ll get a first look at some X-Men: First Class costumes within a month.
• Cyclops and Jean Grey are NOT in the movie. Havok definitely is and Lucas Till will be playing him.
• January Jones is Emma Frost and there’s no truth to Rosamund Pike’s involvement.
• Singer is excited about them getting Nicholas Hoult as Beast because of a fortunate delay in start date for Mad Max: Fury Road.
• Kevin Bacon’s villain is in fact, Sebastian Shaw. Yes, that means Hellfire Club is in X-Men: First Class.
• Singer explains the 1960s setting is perfect for the Hellfire Club, from the characters to costumes.
• There are other characters that will be in the film that they’re keeping secret. Could it be more mutant X-Men or more likely, other members of the Hellfire Club?

So here are a few highlights. This movie takes place in the sixties and Emma Frost is part of the Hellfire Club with Sebastian Shaw. Yet as some will recall, Emma showed up in the Wolverine Origins movie as one of the prisoners. And that movie took place in the 70s or 80s (it's hard to tell because the movie was so fucked up). Also, anybody who knows anything about the X-men characters knows that Havok, Alex Summers, is the younger brother of Cyclops, Scott Summers. Unless someone does a retcon of the Wolverine movie (which nobody will really give a shit if they do), something's gotta get fucked up here.

It's not that these ideas are inherently bad, but why the fuck would anyone call this movie First Class if it's an Origins movie? First Class implies that the story involves the First Class. That's Cyclops, Marvel Girl, Angel, Beast, and Iceman. No way around it. There was a whole fucking comic series about it for over a year! I get that movies take a lot of liberties from books, but you don't call the Godfather books Willy Wonka and get away with telling a completely different story.

Bryan Singer set his comic movies apart by essentially not paying much attention to the source material. This worked to some extent with the first two movies because he set it up to make it novel and fresh for both comic fans and non-comic fans alike. However, that kind of shit has a very low margin for error. It takes only one X3 to render this entire movie universe completely fucked. Add Wolverine Origins into the mix and it's essentially super-fucked if that were an appropriate term. What's the point of another origins story if every movie that comes after it is basically going to end up sucking anyways? Add to that, the assholes making it have the audacity to call it First Class when they could have just as easily called it X-men Origins and nobody would be bitching about it the way I am right now.

Even without Cyclops and Jean Grey in it, there's still a big problem with telling the story of Charles Xavier's origin with Magneto. In X3 Xavier is going to get fucking killed! So again, everything he does in this movie or whatever other prequels Fox shits out mean precisely dick. Because in the end, he's going to get killed by Jean Grey in a way that has no drama, no punch, no impact, and no redeeming qualities. It's not like the death of Darth Vader in Star Wars in that at least his death was a major turning point in the Star Wars movies. Xavier's death, like that of Cyclops and Jean Grey, is muddled in the fucked up horrors that is X3. Until that movie is expunged from existence, all subsequent X-men movies are shit.

There are only a few faint glimmers of hope with this movie. Director, Matthew Vaughn, stated a while back that this movie could draw parallels to the Star Trek movie that came out last year. That movie was not a reboot. It was in continuity with the other films, but the time line was essentially reset because characters from the future came back and essentially altered the past forever in what some call a quasi-reboot. If First Class has something similar then that may open the door for X3 at least being partially forgotten, but the fact it will still have happened requires that this and every subsequent movie be awesome on such great levels that it may have to date rape the forces of the impossible to stand a chance.

Perhaps I'm still overly bitter about X3, but as an X-men fan it's seriously disheartening when the X-men movie franchise feels like the most fucked franchise in all of comic movies. Hulk got a reboot after only one movie and now Superman and Spider-Man are getting reboots without the studios trying to salvage the shitty movies that came before them with prequels. Why is it that the X-men franchise has to go through four movies that imploded with two more in the pipeline (X-men First Class and Wolverine Origins II) to endure? It's like trying to cut your losses at a blackjack table by continuing to bet more and more despite losing with every possible hand.

The only hope for the X-men movies at this point is a reboot, but so long as the studio is obsessed with making prequels it may be years if not decades until that finally happens. By then I'll probably be dead from alcohol poisoning or I'll have long since been committed. And any fans who were hoping for redemption after X3 would have long since stopped giving a fuck. So I think it's safe to say that there's a 95 percent chance that the X-men movie franchise is completely and utterly fucked for the next decade. Nuff said.