Wolverine: Days of Futures Past Trailer - Guest Starring The X-men

I can't make any jokes about certain issues. Genocide, racism, and rape are all touchy subjects and I'm no Danial Tosh. For me, the X-men movies are right up there. I've already made my sentiment clear in plenty of previous posts. I fucking hate every fucking X-men movie that Fox has shat out of their diseased twat. Bryan Singer took a big steaming piss on the concept with his first two movies. Brett Ratner took a massive shit that made it completely irredeemable. Brian K. Vaughn had a chance to reboot the whole thing and substantially unfuck it. But now Singer has come back and is intent on ensuring it remains fucked.

I could go on and on about why these movies are so fucked. I could talk about how James Marsden turned Cyclops into the same fucking character he plays in every movie where he's just the pretty boy who loses out to some other guy who steals his girl, his livelihood, and his life. I could talk about how Jean Grey was given the personality of a comatose chimp. I could talk about how Rogue became the exact opposite of everything that made her awesome in every other X-men medium. I could talk about how every movie turned Wolverine from the ultimate badass to a walking vagina that disgust even Edward Cullen. But I won't. I don't have the strength or the liver capacity to review the long list of reasons these X-men movies suck. It usually just comes down to Bryan Singer not giving enough fucks about characters not named Wolverine. And even when he does care, his only method seems to be making Wolverine into a fucking pussy. But I digress.

Fox and Singer still aren't done fucking the X-men up beyond all recognition. They've got this movie coming out called Wolverine: Days of Futures Past. Actually, they claim it's called "X-men" Days of Futures Past. But we all know that's bullshit on a stick. This is not an X-men movie. It's just Wolverine with the X-men playing a supporting role. Because Singer knows that all worked SO fucking well in X3 where they took the greatest X-men story of all time, the Phoenix Saga, and made it all about fucking Wolverine. Now they're going to take the second greatest X-men story of all time, Days of Futures Past, and make it about fucking Wolverine. That's like someone who just shot themselves in the foot choosing to shoot their other foot just because they want to finish the job. It's like snorting anthrax and then getting an small pox enema. There's no fucking excuse. And the latest trailer basically confirms that this piece of shit movie is going to be another X3. It's not an X-men movie. It's just another bullshit Wolverine movie.



I don't think I need to say anything else. I know this movie is going to make a metric fuckton of money that it doesn't deserve. Even if every fucking person who sees it hates it, Fox will turn a profit and that's all the excuse they need to make another one. They don't own these characters. They just own the rights. That is the extent of the amount of fucks they give. And short of a total fucking reboot, every X-men movie is destined to be completely and utterly fucked. Nuff said.

X-men Days of Futures Past Trailer - Needless Hope

I don't claim to be without flaws. I know my flaws are long enough to earn me a spot on the Jerry Springer All-Pro team, but I don't minimize my major flaws or trivialize my numerous minor flaws. I like to think that I'm an honest drunk. And because of that, I get pissed off at people who think their biggest flaw is some contrived bullshit that can't be used to beat them over the head. So naturally, I'm extremely pissed off at the X-men movies.

I've already made my sentiment about these movies painfully clear on this blog. I despise them on a scale that would make Uatu the Watcher shit himself in awe. I could do several blogs listing all the ways the X-men movies suck worse than anything Joel Shumacher could ever produce. There's the bullshit characterization, the shitty character deaths, the piss poor pacing, the horribly underdeveloped relationships, bad acting on the part of otherwise awesome actors, and stories that take a big steaming shit on some of the most iconic comics of all time. The X-men movies actually did something that I thought was impossible. They turned Wolverine into a total fucking pussy despite Hugh Jackman doing everything he could to look badass enough for the part. And any X-men story turns the one of the most badass characters in all of fiction into a whiney pussy who gets all weepy over a woman he barely fucking knows for a few days deserves to be treated with the same contempt as that asshole kid in grade school who likes to take a shit in other kids' backpacks. That guy knows who he is and we know why we should hate him.

But it's not enough that the X-men movies took a massive shit on the Phoenix Saga, also known as the greatest X-men story ever told. Now Bryan Singer is back and may potentially take an equally massive shit on Days of Futures Past, also known as the second greatest X-men story ever told. He's already given the finger to the source material, once again making fucking Wolverine the central character that goes back in time instead of Kitty Pryde. I guess Singer forgot how badly that worked out when X3 tried to shove Wolverine into Cyclops's role with the Phoenix Saga. He probably thinks that he can thrust Wolverine into more places than a lesbian sex addict ina dildo factory and past movies have shown that the results are more fucked than a used condom at Ron Jeremy's house. While this movie is being billed as a soft reboot of sorts in an effort to fix X3 while not admitting that anyone fucked up, I have very little hope for it.

None the less, a trailer has finally come out. And in this trailer, "hope" is billed as the most important component to the X-men movies. "We need you to hope again" is somehow supposed to be all it takes to make the X-men movies not suck. I say that adding hope to these movies is like trying to take a piss to put out a forest fire. It just isn't enough.

This trailer doesn't change my conclusion. It's basically a bunch of flat characters with iconic names being thrust into a story that is going to be centered around making Wolverine the focus of fucking everything with Charles Xavier and Magneto playing minor supporting roles. But that's just the sentiment of a drunken lifelong comic book fan. I'm sure this shit will make a fuckton of money and it'll be declared a success, no matter how many people it pisses off. That's by far the biggest flaw. I'm sorry young burned out 70s Charles Xavier, but hope just isn't going to cut it. Nuff said!