Misguided Matrimonial Bait-and-Switch: X-men Gold #30

The following is my review of X-men Gold #30, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

A superhero wedding is only as successful as the journey that leads to it. For some iconic romances, that fateful walk down the aisle is a matter of inevitability. Couples like Cyclops and Jean Grey, Reed Richards and Sue Storm, and Superman and Lois Lane reflect the ideals of star-crossed lovers. No matter what comes between them, be it death, retcons, or reboots, they always find a way back to one another. Their love may as well be as constant as the rising sun or Dr. Doom's ego.

For that reason, though, the wedding of Kitty Pryde and Colossus brings something unique to the trope of superhero nuptials. Theirs is a romance that didn't rely on destiny. They have to put effort into making their relationship work, by default. They overcome their share of obstacles without the luxury of being one of those comic book power couples. Those obstacles include death, being trapped in a giant space bullet, and multiple romantic entanglements. To say Kitty and Colossus have a lot of forces working against them is like saying the Hulk gets moody ever now and then.

Despite all those forces, Kitty and Colossus attempt to achieve the same romantic pinnacle as other iconic couples. Since X-men Gold began under Marc Guggenheim, the complications that frequently drive these two apart are steadily mended through an emotional, but compelling journey. In X-men Gold #30, they're finally set to complete that journey.

At least, that's how this big event is presented, both with the cover of the issue and the various issues that led up to it. The actual substance of this momentous affair is unexpected in its results and not necessarily in a good way. In fact, the events that play out are downright damaging. Even though a well-known X-men couple does get married, the moment ultimately comes off as empty and dispassionate.

That outcome is pretty jarring. Guggenheim borrows greatly from past weddings, going so far as to mention how close the ceremony is to the location of Cyclops and Jean Grey's wedding. Kitty and Colossus have everyone in the team supporting them. There aren't any ominous warnings about how their marriage will lead to a dystopian future. There aren't even any clones, Skrull agents, Legacy Virus outbreaks, or Sentinel attacks to disrupt the affair. There is nothing preventing this long-time couple from tying the knot.

It still doesn't happen, though. After all the love, support, and encouragement the X-men give the long-time lovers, Kitty gets cold feet and at the last possible second, no less. It's one thing for a bride to call the wedding off on the ride to the ceremony. Kitty actually waits until she's wearing her dress, down the aisle, in front of all her friends, and about to receive her wedding ring from Colossus.

Beyond turning a joyous occasion into a public spectacle of heartbreak, it paints Kitty Pryde as callous, indecisive, and emotionally inept. Considering that she's also the leader of the X-men, those kinds of deficiencies just don't make sense. Kitty's actions completely upend the over-arching story that has been unfolding between her and Colossus since the beginning of X-men Gold. It gives the impression that all the heartfelt moments they shared, all the drama that led up the proposal, and all the challenges they overcame to make it to this point carried little emotional weight.

It's one thing for a romance to go too fast and burn out. Kitty and Colossus aren't that kind of romance, though. They have a rich history together that leaves little ambiguity to the sincerity of their feelings for one another. They don't have the same excuses as most couples, superhero or otherwise. They didn't go too fast and their love never comes off as shallow. However, Kitty still finds an excuse to call it off and it's not a good one.

The reasons she gives Colossus are crass and impersonal. They are the kinds of musings that can easily be repeated by any bride that ever got cold feet and it would make just as much sense. Nothing about her decision for stopping the nuptials is specific to her and Colossus' relationship. Considering that she's the one who proposed to Colossus in the first place, it just makes Kitty out to be even more callous, if not downright dishonest.

It's not just a weak excuse to stop a wedding and irreparably undermine a long-standing relationship within the X-men mythos. It sends a message that every romance, even those involving superheroes, is too hard for anyone to make work and isn't worth trying. It's not enough to love someone. Even wanting to marry them to the point of planning a wedding isn't sufficient. There are just too many forces working against a couple seeking marriage and it just isn't worth risking, as though love and commitment are somehow more dangerous than an attack by Apocalypse.

If X-men Gold #30 had ended on that solemn note, it may still work because it reflects the precious rarity of iconic romances that make it to the altar. It's a depressing message, but one that carries enough weight to have an impact. However, given all the build-up and festivities surrounding this wedding, there's a sense that someone has to get married to salvage the moment. That's where Rogue and Gambit come in.

It's quite possibly the greatest bait-and-switch in the history of comics, turning the marriage of Kitty Pryde and Colossus into the marriage of Rogue and Gambit. While Rogue and Gambit are another one of those iconic X-men romances that overcome a great many obstacles, theirs is a romance that just began rebuilding itself in the pages of Kelly Thompson's Rogue and Gambit series. Instead of continuing that process, like Kitty and Colossus attempted in X-men Gold, they just skip right to the part where they get married.

While that may overjoy fans of the couple, this twist undermines that relationship almost as much. One couple can't go through with the wedding, despite all the planning and effort that went into it. Another, however, just randomly decides to do it on the spot, as though one couple is interchangeable with the other. It's like romances are TV dinners bought in bulk. If one doesn't turn out well, then another one is just as good.

There's no denying that superhero romances are wrought with melodrama and very few end in a successful marriage. That's exactly what makes them so noteworthy, though. X-men Gold #30 initially sends that message to some extent, but undercuts it by treating it as something any couple can do on a whim. It turns romance into a gimmick rather than a part of the ongoing story between characters and it's hard to have any emotional stakes in a gimmick.

Final Score: 3 out of 10

Musings on Mutant Matrimony: X-Men: The Wedding Special #1

The following is my review of X-men: The Wedding Special #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In real life, weddings are supposed to be a joyous, momentous occasion for couples, friends, and family. In superhero comics, weddings tend to have more mixed connotations. That's not just because deals with Mephisto have established that the world of superheroes is extremely unforgiving for couples who think their love can handle retcons, time travelers, and clone conspiracies. Most never even make it to the bachelor party. Only a handful ever establish themselves as a romance that even Mephisto can't corrupt.

Kitty Pryde and Colossus may not be on the same level as Reed and Sue Richards, but they're daring to make the effort. Considering the on-again/off-again nature of their relationship over the years, it carries more risk than most. That chaotic history includes moments where they've seen each other die and in relationships with other characters. It also includes instances where Kitty dates other men named Peter and even comes close to marrying one. That kind of history makes it difficult to elevate their love to the same level as other iconic superhero romances.

Despite all the inherent complications surrounding marriage in superhero comics, Kitty and Colossus enjoy a relationship that is one of the most sincere, genuine romances in comics. It doesn't try to be perfect. Their growth, as characters, isn't dependent on their relationship with one another. They're capable of holding their own as individuals. That makes them more prepared than most to take the matrimonial plunge.

X-men: The Wedding Special #1 acts as the last round of preparations before the big day. It's a giant-sized rehearsal of sorts, utilizing creative contributions from Marc Guggenheim, Kelly Thompson, and even the X-men's most famous scribe, Chris Claremont. There's no massive battle against an army of Sentinels. There's no surprise attack by the Shi'ar, the Skrulls, or the Purifiers. More than anything else, this issue makes the case that the marriage between Kitty Pryde and Colossus is worth rooting for.

Through three self-contained, character-focused stories, X-men: The Wedding Special #1 makes that case very well. It's a testament to the past, present, and future of Kitty Pryde and Colossus. One story shows where they came from. Another shows where they are in the present with their engagement. Another offers promise and hope for the future, albeit through strippers and karaoke. When presented together, it proves to be a potent combination.

The first story, written by the X-men legend Chris Claremont, acts as a slide-show of Kitty Pryde's journey to this monumental moment in her life. For those who haven't kept up with Kitty's eventful life, from training alongside Wolverine to getting trapped in a giant space bullet, this offers a comprehensive insight into who Kitty is. For those who know her story, it won't reveal anything too groundbreaking. There are no dark secrets or Skrull agents in this emotional recap.

However, it will add some extra personal insights that are worth adding, especially for a character who's about to get married. Kitty muses about how being a mutant has effected her life, from joining Excaliber to losing her father. These are all things that feel like something a young woman thinks about before her wedding. She doesn't approach it like some fairy tale princess, thinking everything is all rainbows and sunshine. She takes the good, the bad, and the hopeful all at once and she's stronger because of it. That's what makes her Kitty Pryde.

The second story, written by Marc Guggenheim, offers some insight into Colossus. It's not quite as comprehensive as Kitty's story in that it doesn't recall the journey he took to get to a point where he's about to marry the love of his life. It does provide more entertainment value, though, in the form of Colossus beating up a renegade demon who just got fired from a Las Vegas casino run by demons. It's as colorful and entertaining as it sounds, even if it is somewhat short.

It acts as a tie-in story, of sorts, to the ongoing events of X-men Gold. It also provides a closer look at the kind of person Colossus is and the kind of man Kitty will be marrying. He sets himself apart from his more free-spirited teammates, like Gambit and Nightcrawler. He establishes himself as the kind of guy who isn't into bachelor parties or the Las Vegas lifestyle. He's just a gentle, soft-hearted guy who can still beat up a demon when he has to.

Given how many men named Peter that Kitty Pryde has dated, it's worth making clear that Colossus is the right Peter for her. He isn't the kind of character who will impress a woman with his attitude, charisma, or style. He's a man of action. Whether he's fighting a demon or spending a night in Las Vegas with his fellow X-men, what he says and does lets everyone know the kind of person he is. Gambit may have more personality and Nightcrawler may have more charisma, but Colossus shows that he's the kind of man any woman would be proud to marry. Kitty Pryde just happens to be that lucky woman.

The last story, written by Kelly Thompson, follows Kitty on her bachelorette party. Unlike her future husband, hers doesn't involve Las Vegas or attacking demons. It does, however, involve a visit from an old friend/enemy from an iconic moment in X-men lore. It makes for a brief fight, but one that isn't meant to derail Kitty's night or her wedding. In a world where time travelers and clones are known to interfere in romances, that's almost seems strange.

Instead, the fight only acts as another reminder of sorts, one meant to inspire Kitty to make her marriage with Colossus work. It's something that's worth fighting for. It's something that's worth all the loss, heartache, and struggle they've endured. It also reminds her that loving someone means being vulnerable and not just to Mephisto. She can either recoil in fear or become stronger. Being one of the X-men and having Storm plan her bachelorette party, Kitty certainly comes out stronger.

In terms of a prelude, X-men: The Wedding Special #1 achieves something important for Kitty and Colossus. It may very well be the most important thing it can possibly achieve for a superhero wedding. It reaffirms why these two iconic characters are getting married and why they're worth rooting for. The love between them may not be as famous, but it's every bit as genuine.

It acts as a reflection of the emotional journey these characters have taken together. While there's some attempt at conflict, it's fairly minor and somewhat forgettable. There's an effort to tie these stories into other happenings in recent X-men comics, but those ties are fairly loose and not really critical to the overall story.  

X-men: The Wedding Special #1 still succeeds in the most important way for Kitty Pryde and Colossus. It gives emotional and dramatic weight to their upcoming wedding. In a world where every marriage is a few deaths, resurrections, and retcons away from destruction, that counts for a lot. These are two characters who are strong as individuals, but when they're together, they become something truly special. That bodes well for any marriage, superhero or otherwise.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Nightcrawler #7

When the aftermath of a major story begins before the major story even ends, it’s the comic book equivalent of premature ejaculation. It’s awkward, unpleasant, and sometimes leaves stains that are difficult to explain to a dry cleaner. But it’s also one of those things that’s best to just overlook to spare ourselves the shame and indignity. Marvel already announced months ago that Wolverine is going to die. It’s a spoiler beyond a spoiler in that they didn’t even try to hide it. Marvel understands that in the era where no secret or nude picture is safe from the internet, it’s pointless to try. The problem is that the ongoing Death of Wolverine event got delayed and it’s now getting to the point of blue balls because some comics are already set to deal with the aftermath. I don’t want to speculate the kind of semen stains this could end up leaving, but I’m content to assume it’s nothing a little stain remover can’t fix.

There are a lot of characters who will be affected by Wolverine’s death. The man had a lot of friends and more than a few fuck buddies. But if ever Wolverine was going to have a wing man at a club, it would be Nightcrawler. He is to Wolverine what spay tan is to Snookie in that they’ve always been close and they’ve always sought solace in one another. Now in Nightcrawler #7, the impact of Wolverine’s death hits him hard and this guy who only recently came back from the dead has to find a way to deal with it again. I guess guys with blue skin just can’t catch a break unless they’re in a James Cameron movie.

It’s certainly sad for Nightcrawler and not just because he didn’t get to hook up with Navi princess. The timeline here is unclear because, as I said, this takes place after Death of Wolverine #4, which got delayed. So we don’t know the details of Wolverine’s death. We just know that enough time has for the Jean Grey Institute to go into morning, hoping that nobody tries to blow up the institute during that time. And Nightcrawler, never one to sleep off a perfectly sad night, is too restless. He narrates with some insightful, detailed inner dialog. It has just the right voice. It has all the right emotions. It’s just sad as hell because his friend is dead. So anyone who is only partially drunk at this point might want to stop right now to save their buzz.

The inner monologue, which is so easy to fuck up in comics these days, does a great job of establishing Nightcrawler’s mentality. He doesn’t just describe how depressing the Jean Grey Institute is now with Wolverine being dead. He starts talking about who he is, how he’s dealt with death in the past, and how other cultures deal with death. Yet he does it in a way that doesn’t feel like a History Channel documentary. And yes, before Pawn Stars the History Channel used to actually have documentaries about things like death.

This helps him process how he and others deal with death, providing just the right context, even though it still feels out of place chronologically. But instead of building a pyramid or carving out an anatomically incorrect statue, Nightcrawler does something a little different. He goes to the Danger Room and starts loading up holograms that document some of Wolverine’s greatest hits. This includes battles going all the way back to the All-New, All-Different days from the fashion abyss that was the bell-bottom wearing 70s. It seems so long ago. Attitudes towards mustaches and pubic hair have changed so much. But even though it shows nothing new or unique, Nightcrawler’s insight helps give it just the right context. He makes clear how much he admires Wolverine’s ability to be a total badass and still charm the hell out of pretty redheads. Who wouldn’t admire a guy like that? And he hadn’t even gone out drinking with Wolverine at this point.

Nightcrawler continues to sift through more Danger Room simulations that cover more of Wolverine’s defining moments. That naturally includes defining moments like the Phoenix Saga and since this is Chris Claremont writing here, he’s going to throw in a few remarks about how much Wolverine wanted to bone Jean Grey. Never mind how he was heavily involved with Storm at the end. Chris Claremont has never let reality and shitty X-men movies get in the way of his nerd boner for this pairing. Even so, he makes sure it doesn’t last more than four hours by focusing on how Wolverine struggled with emotions and how Jean’s death affected Wolverine. Again, it’s nothing new. It’s not even that groundbreaking. It just helps add to the emotions.

The other important event he covers is the Morlock Massacre. This was an event that affected both him and Wolverine profoundly. Unfortunately, the narrations are a bit lacking here. It again shows Wolverine in his classic glory before he dedicated 95 percent of his energy to hating Cyclops. It only helped establish how his path diverged from Wolverine’s for a time as a result of this infamous battle. It might bore the hell out of those who are familiar with this story that came out during the Regan Administration, but it’s still an important event for Nightcrawler in this context.

As relevant as these events are for Nightcarwler and Wolverine, the narration starts to feel a bit too much like a clip show at some point. He starts going over how he recovered from the Morlock Massacre and joined Excaliber with Kitty Pryde. If this were a thread on a message board, it would definitely get the mods to lock it because it feels off-topic here. It stops being about Wolverine and more about, “Wow, that time in my life sucked ass.” I get that the death of a friend can make someone like Nightcrawler reflect about where he came from. Unless alcohol is involved, it really doesn’t help when musings become more disorganized my sock drawer.

Things stay off-topic for a while. Nightcrawler keeps narrating, but it doesn’t provide the same emotional insight as before. He’s basically like that voice on a movie trailer, describing how he eventually reunited with the X-men. All was good for a time. He and Wolverine went on road trips getting drunk and hitting on Japanese hookers. Then Hope fucking Summers had to enter the picture and Nightcrawler had to die saving her ungrateful ass. Even though this is an event that happened within the past decade, it still doesn’t add much. It only reminds me of how an awesome guy like Nightcrawler ended up dying because of an annoying brat like Hope fucking Summers. I know I shouldn’t still be bitter, but some asshole brats deserve it.

Things finally get back on track when Nightcrawler does something other than remember all those fun times when Wolverine kicked ass or when he got screwed over. This time it involves an ordinary day when he and Wolverine are out and about, probably looking for more pretty Japanese girls or redheads. Then for reasons that I can only attribute to a lack of whiskey, Wolverine knocks Nightcrawler’s image inducer off in the middle of a crowded street in broad daylight. He talks about being a bit cautious after having recently died, but Wolverine basically says, “Fuck that! You’re alive. Embrace who you are. Now let’s go get some whiskey.” That last part was implied. But what makes this more meaningful than another flashback is how for once, Wolverine inspired Nightcrawler to have faith. For a guy whose faith is restricted to bartenders and beautiful women, that’s pretty profound.

It’s profound enough for Nightcrawler to attempt to use the Danger Room to construct a fitting monument. He could go about it any number of ways. He could have a bar and brewery in his name. He could have a strip club full of nothing but redheads and Asians called “Wolverine’s Bitches.” Or he could just have one big garage of motorcycles. Wolverine would love all of that. Instead, Nightcrawler chooses something more heartfelt.

His monument is not exactly the Great Pyramids of Giza, but it is fitting. It’s just a simple house with beer, pool tables, TVs, and filled with friends. Yes, it’s as corny as it sounds. It almost feels like it was ripped from the finale of a bad 70s sitcom. But it works. It has everything Wolverine cherished. It has good friends, motorcycles, and beer. It might not have Jean Grey and Mariko naked covered in whiskey, but it’s still right up there.

But as nice and as fitting as it feels, it evokes too many painful emotions for Nightcrawler. These emotions help him conclude that Wolverine doesn’t need no stinking monument. He was content with whiskey, steak, and good friends. He was not the kind of guy who would surround himself with holograms and pretend they’re real. He would rather get out into the real world, find real people to stab, and real beer to drink. He didn’t just think about the shit he could do. He went out and fucking did it. That’s the kind of guy Nightcrawler remembers. Sure it took him one too many flashbacks to realize it, but it got the job done.

When he finally leaves the Danger Room and ditches the fancy holograms, he meets up with Rachel Grey. It just wouldn’t be fitting enough if a pretty redhead didn’t get involved at some point in a story about remembering Wolverine. They share a nice moment. It’s nothing too epic, but it works well within the context of the story. There’s another jab at how badly Wolverine wants to bone Jean Grey. Even though that would constitute necrophilia at this point, this is Chris Claremont. If X3 wasn’t enough to disgust him with the concept, then nothing will. And sure, it’s debatable how dead Jean Grey is at this point. But the it helps make the moment more satisfying.

This is one of those issues that can be either really heartwarming or a total buzz kill. And because it’s taking place before we even know how Wolverine takes his dirt nap, it does have an odd impact. It’s like walking into a retirement home with a boner. It just feels out of place. It was still nice in that it hit all the right emotions. It covered the full spectrum of Nightcrawler and Wolverine’s friendship. In just reading this issue, anybody is able to appreciate just how close these two were. It doesn’t go so far as to come off as a gay romance novel. It goes just far enough to offer the right perspective on somebody mourning the loss of a friend. There’s not much action and a lot of what happens covers shit that most X-men fans already know or have seen ripped off. But this issue isn’t meant to be epic in that sense. It isn’t meant to have Nightcrawler battle the forces of Hell or get Mystique to go more than five minutes without trying to shoot somebody. It’s meant to show him mourning for his dead friend. And sure, Nightcrawler of all people should know that death in the Marvel universe is about as absolute as a promise from Tony Soprano. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be emotional in all the right ways. Nightcrawler #7 gets a 7 out of 10. Nightcrawler lost his friend, but at least he can take comfort knowing that Wolverine is in Heaven, enjoying endless three-ways with all the Japanese and redheaded twins he wants. And he should take comfort in that. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Nightcrawler #1

With so many characters dying and coming back from the dead in comics, I often wonder how they deal with it. I imagine it happens often enough for there to be a full-fledged support group. Maybe it even inspired a few self-help books with titles like, “Answering Annoying Questions About Death,” and, “Holy Shit! Netflix Has Every Episode of Star Trek?!” But for some characters, they’re just better equipped. And for the X-men, I would put Nightcrawler right below Jean Grey in terms of his ability to deal with returning from the dead. He’s lovable, he’s humble, and he’s awesome in ways that were nicely demonstrated in the pages of Amazing X-men #5. Now the living legend himself, Chris Claremont, has returned to the X-books to chronicle Kurt Wagner’s adjustment to this new world of X-men in Nightcrawler #1. I still imagine he’ll be more impressed with Netflix and the iPhone 5S than he is that Cyclops is a fugitive and Wolverine named a school after Jean Grey.

He must have gotten over the shock pretty quickly because he’s already back in the swing of things. And for him, that means training with Wolverine in the Danger Room. He has no time to be deadpanned about time-displaced X-men, Cyclops being a wanted fugitive, and a new generation of mutants emerging all over the world. I imagine one of the perks of being dead is not having to work out as much. It must have been nice being able to eat a mountain of bacon and not gain an ounce. Now he has to stay in shape, but he hasn’t lost his touch.

What has been lost, however, is Wolverine’s healing factor. This is something Nightcrawler even acknowledges in his string of Claremont-style monologues. I know Claremont-haters don’t like how he tends to overuse them, but I say fuck those people because they work beautifully here. They nicely detail Nightcrawler’s thoughts as he’s fighting Wolverine, noting how he still is as skilled as ever, but now is vulnerable in a way he’s never seen him. It’s just one of the many changes he’s going to have to get used to. I still imagine he’ll have a harder time getting used to the idea of Peyton Manning being a Denver Bronco.

One thing that hasn’t changed, however, is Wolverine’s knack for losing his temper in the middle of a fight. Even without his healing, he’s still prone to getting more pissed off than a nun in a dildo factory. And as Nightcrawler shows that death hasn’t degraded his skills in any way, Wolverine gets a rage boner and pops his claws. He doesn’t get too stab-happy with Nightcrawler though. Storm steps in and unleashes a miniature typhoon to get Wolverine to calm the fuck down. She probably implicitly added that if he ever wants to see her naked again, he’ll ditch the claws and do some yoga.

Beyond the unnecessary reminder that Wolverine has poor anger management skills, this outburst also reveals to Nightcrawler the extent to which Wolverine has lost his healing. He mentions how he’s not used to seeing Wolverine bleed. It seems mundane, but in many ways it symbolizes just how much things have changed since he died. It leads to a nice moment between Nightcrawler and Storm about having an anchor to keep their shit together. For me, it’s booze and comics. For Wolverine, it used to be his healing. For Nightcrawler, just being alive should be enough to keep himself grounded. But given how often people come back to life in the Marvel universe, that shit is going to wear off faster than a buzz a Mormon convention.

The Danger Room is still familiar territory for Nightcrawler. He’s not going to see anything there that he hasn’t seen since days when Jean was still alive and Beast wasn’t a massive douche-bag. The Jean Grey Institute is a big place and not just because it has a front yard that’s alive. It’s very different from the Xavier Institute he remembers. Plus, the Xavier Institute was still a smoldering pile of rubble when he was last alive so this is quite a change. But he still embraces this change in ways that would disgust most republicans. He muses about how much the team has grown, how many friends they have lost, and far the X-men have come. It’s a sentiment that is nicely conveyed in the Claremont-style monologues. Again, there will be those that find them annoying. I imagine these are the same people whose ideas of a buzz is an extra cup of coffee so I won’t take their sentiment seriously.

Beyond the musings, this new institute is still a school just like the last one. And unlike the world he died in, this new world has a growing population of mutants. That means when the bell rings, the halls become crowded by a sea of mutant teenagers. It’s like a war zone, but not quite as dangerous. It makes for some nice moments where some of the students welcome Nightcrawler back to the land of the living, showing once again just how lovable this guy is. Cyclops should take notes from him. He sure as hell needs it.

But while he hangs out on the ceiling and waits for the chaos to pass, he gets a psychic visit from Rachel Grey that later turns into a non-psychic visit in Nightcrawler’s new loft. Since they didn’t get a chance to interact much in Amazing X-men, it’s nice for the former Excalibur teammates to catch up. It also gives them a chance to mention Kitty Pryde and Cyclops’s new school. They don’t touch on it that much. Nightcrawler just got done fighting Wolverine and navigating halls filled with teenage mutants. He doesn’t need to deal with that shit just yet. But it’s nice to see it acknowledged because it is one of those things that’s tempting to gloss over like the hidden fees in a cell phone contract. It doesn’t get addressed in this issue and that’s fine. Nightcrawler has more pressing issues to attend to.

What could be more important than confronting a fugitive Cyclops and a defector Kitty Pryde? How about a pretty blond with a nice rack named Amanda Sefton? I’m pretty sure Hugh Hefner and Nightcrawler would agree. Pretty blonds take priority over everything. Nightcrawler takes a quick trip with a bunch of his bamfs to Manhattan where he drops in on his long-time yet rarely mentioned girlfriend. And it’s not like Cast Away where she has run off, settled for someone barely half as awesome as him, and punched out his kid. She’s still single and doesn’t hesitate to give him a big, “Welcome back to the world of the living you handsome devil!” kiss. It’s another nice moment that could have easily been made into a shitty moment. But like catholic priest at a little league game, Chris Claremont resists the temptation.

It’s a beautiful moment that could have easily turned into a, “Let’s celebrate your new lease on life by having the kind of sex that make the Pope shit himself,” type moment. But even Chris Claremont can only resist so much temptation. Nightcrawler’s first issue back just wouldn’t be complete if he wasn’t attacked by some killer robot or raging monster. To omit that from a new series about character that has been MIA for so long would be the kind of blasphemy that gets people executed in Saudi Arabia. So Nightcrawler and Amanda’s romantic and pre-pornographic moment is interrupted when some random Iron Man rip-off blasts through the wall in start’s shooting. It’s a real mood-killer, but one I imagine Nightcrawler hasn’t forgotten. And it wasn’t like Amanda didn’t have a target on her back when Nightcrawler was still alive so if nothing else, it shows that at least some things haven’t changed.

The battle that follows is pretty generic, but it’s nicely fleshed out. The art is flashy and it’s well-organized. Nightcrawler goes through his typical tactics, teleporting Amanda away from the danger before returning with the bamfs to take on this mini-Sentinel. He doesn’t have any claws, guns, or major weapons. A man doesn’t exactly bring that sort of shit on a visit to his girlfriend unless there are divorce papers involved or unless she’s into some ridiculously kinky shit. But like the Danger Room scene with Wolverine, Nightcrawler shows that he hasn’t lost his touch. Now this is one instance where even I’ll concede that Claremont’s love of monologue boxes does get a little excessive. But it still works in adding something extra to the scene. It’s not all that epic. It’s just a simple, well-designed fight between Nightcrawler and something he can blow up.

As the battle unfolds, Nightcralwer is overmatched and outgunned for most of it. But like Jack Bauer in a room full of terrorists, the odds are better than they seem. He also has help from the bamfs, which basically act like his own personal pokemon clones. They don’t bring much to the table, but they do help Nightcrawler gain the upper hand. After doing a bit of rope-a-dope for a while, he manages to frustrate and eventually outsmart Mr. I-Love-Cockblocking-Guys-Reuniting-With-Their-Girlfriends. Nightcrawler doesn’t do anything fancy. He just buries the guy under a pile of rubble. He probably could have done it drunk, but I guess he was saving the drunken escapades for Amanda.

Now I’m all for watching Nightcrawler kick ass. The man has been dead for seven years and I’ve missed this almost as much as I’ve missed Arrested Development, Christian Bale as Batman, and Terminator movies that don’t suck. But it would have been nice to see a villain that doesn’t look like he was copied from an old Mega Man game. Between Azazel being stuck on Earth and Mystique still running around, there are plenty of villains that would love to cock-block Nightcrawler from his reunion sex with Amanda Sefton. This character just has no appeal. Maybe that appeal will come in future issues, but for now he’s more forgettable than Jim Carey’s last three movies.

After Nightcrawler makes quick work of the overly generic threat, Amanda shows up. She even found time to change into her sexy Daytripper uniform. She’s as confused as I am about who this asshole is and why she would choose to attack at a time when their tongues were getting reacquainted. But she seems to suspect this is something that targeted her specifically so it’s something she wants to handle without calling in the rest of the X-men. Being a gentleman and all the more deserving of the keys to her panties, Nightcrawler offers to assist her as she looks into this. They then disappear for a visit to Amanda’s mother, Margali Sefton. As if the wannabe Mega Man villain wasn’t a big enough cock-block. Now Nightcrawler has to both hunt down this villain, who mysteriously disappears, and confront his girlfriend’s mother. Nightcrawler probably doesn’t wish he was dead again yet, but at the rate he’s going he’s well on his way.

Well we didn’t get to see Nightcrawler’s reaction to Netflix or the new iPhone. But a good chunk of this first issue was fittingly dedicated to seeing him and the rest of the X-men react to his return. It wasn’t glossed over. It wasn’t half-assed either. There was genuine, honest emotion for Nightcrawler and his friends. It gave this issue a more personal touch. Given all the history that Chris Claremont gave Nightcrawler during his legendary tenure on the X-men comics, that’s more than fitting. We didn’t see reactions from everybody, but that wasn’t necessary. Between Storm, Rachel, and Amanada Sefton, all the appropriate emotions were conveyed. The villain was still generic as hell, cut and pasted from a shelved Michel Bay movie. But it kick-started a new adventure for Nightcrawler while showing his girlfriend that death hasn’t affected his ability to kick ass. Nightcrawler made his triumphant return in Amazing X-men. In Nightcrawler #1, his new life officially begins and it’s pretty damn awesome so far. I give this comic a 9 out of 10. Killing off characters in comics is so sad and wasteful. Bringing them back doesn’t have to be a hassle. It can be fun, entertaining, and meaningful. If anything, this issue gives Marvel even fewer excuses for keeping Jean Grey dead all those years. Nuff said!

The Legacy of Uncanny X-men

The following is a special feature that I wrote for PopMatters.com to commemorate the 50th anniversary of X-men.

What does it mean to be hated and feared for being different? Minorities throughout history have had to ask this difficult question and confront the equally difficult answer. Every society in every era has had minorities of some kind. It can be based on class, race, ethnicity, religion, gender, or sexual orientation. But the common thread for every minority is hatred and fear from those that doesn’t understand them and at times doesn’t even attempt to. This common human experience that has spanned the ages is why the X-men have resonated with audiences after 50 years.

Before the X-men, there had been plenty of superheroes. However, superheroes at the time rarely reflected the struggles of humanity. Superheroes were meant to be embodiments of human ideals. They were defined by their ability to overcome these struggles with power and resolve that sets them apart from normal humans. This common theme has been reflected throughout history, long before the era of comic books and billion dollar blockbuster movies. The epic heroes of mythology, from Hercules to Gilgamesh, were personifications of human ideals. But heroes like the X-men focused on a different set of ideals while confronting the much harsher realities.

Stan Lee and Jack Kirby created the X-men in 1963 and billed them as “The Strangest Heroes of All.” On the surface, however, they weren’t all that strange. There was nothing very unique about the powers wielded by Cyclops, Marvel Girl, Iceman, Beast, and Angel. But one of the key features that set them apart was their youth. Like Spider-Man, they were teenagers. They weren’t mature adults dealing with a mature world. They were five confused teenagers who found out that they were very different. And because they were different, they would be doomed to a life of fear and persecution.

The X-men weren’t the first team of teenage superheroes, nor would they be the last. However, they were the first to tap into that universal experience of being a young, vulnerable minority. And this came at a time when minority relations in the United States and throughout the world were undergoing significant change. It’s no coincidence that the X-men resonated during a time when the Civil Rights movement was unfolding. The struggles of minorities were finally being confronted and today, they’re still being confronted. That’s a big reason why the X-men have endured for 50 years.

But it is more than just the minority themes that have made the X-men resonate. It’s easy to forget for many fans that it took a while for the X-men to become one of the most successful franchises in comic book history. The original run of Uncanny X-men by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby did not generate a great deal of interest and even faced cancellation at times. Then Giant Sized X-men #1 came along and a writer named Christ Claremont took the X-men into a bold new era that solidified their position in comic book lore.

And it wasn’t enough to just explore the struggles of minorities. The X-men were pioneers in creating strong, enduring characters that also happened to be minorities. Characters like Storm, Kitty Pryde, and Northstar became more than just heroes. They ushered in a wave of diversity that helped set the X-men apart from other superhero teams. They weren’t like the Justice League or the Avengers. The added diversity of the X-men created a team that did more than embody the struggles of minorities. It created a sense of unity between these different races, ethnicities, and backgrounds. And almost as much as their mutant powers, this unity was among the X-men’s greatest strength.

That unity was fueled by the dream of Professor Charles Xavier. From the very beginning, the X-men were motivated by his dream of peaceful coexistence between humans and mutants. To the average person, such a dream seems overly idealistic and unattainable. And no matter how powerful the X-men were as a team, it seemed they could never achieve this impossible dream. It seems almost unheroic in a sense. Superman achieves the impossible all the time and is beloved by the people despite having power that would otherwise garner fear and hatred. But the reason Charles Xavier’s dream resonates with the X-men and the readers isn’t because it’s impossible. It’s because pursuing peace and understanding is far more difficult than succumbing to hatred in fear.

This hatred and fear has manifested in many daunting threats throughout the history of the X-men. From killer Sentinels to Magneto’s Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, they embody this fear and hatred of a minority and the natural inclination to respond with violence. In many ways, this is what makes the villains the X-men face every bit as compelling. Unlike the Joker or Lex Luthor, it’s easy to understand the motivations of characters like Magneto. Bryan Singer, the director of the first two X-men movies, compared their differing ideology to that of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X. One seeks peace while the other seeks to exact vengeance for crimes committed against a minority. It’s easy to understand both sides and unlike traditional villains, it can’t be resolved by just throwing someone in jail or killing them.

Over the years, the message of the X-men has evolved. However, the underlying theme has remained the same. It could still be argued that mutants are an improper allegory for minorities. Unlike mutants, other minorities don’t cause mass destruction with telekinesis, optic blasts, or ice beams. And unlike other minorities, mutants don’t realize how different they are until adolescence. Puberty itself is already a dramatic enough transformation, but what mutants experience is far more chaotic. And that inability to predict or control these powers creates a legitimate concern. Anyone living in the Marvel universe would rightly share that concern. However, the X-men remind people in both the real and fictional world that no matter how chaotic or dangerous these changes may be, there are still human beings behind these changes.

As a child, my favorite time of day was the hour after school where I would come home and watch cartoons. And the two cartoons I watched the most were the Spider-Man and X-men animated series. And one episode of the X-men cartoon best embodied this message of focusing on the humanity rather than the superficial traits around them. In Season One, Episode 13, “The Final Decision,” Bolivar Trask and Senator Robert Kelly are preparing an army of Sentinels led by Mastermold to protect humanity from the mutant race. But at one point, Mastermold disobeys its creator when it tells them, “Mutants are human.” This machine, which is devoid of all fear and hatred, comes to an inescapable conclusion that humans cannot or will not confront. No matter how different a mutant is or how dangerous they may be, they are still human. And because they are human, they are part of the same world and part of the same struggle.

This moment best reflects the core message of the X-men and that message is more important today than it has ever been. Regardless of anyone’s race, gender, class, sexual orientation, or ability, they are all still human. They live, love, suffer, and die. They have human parents and human problems. The divisions that people impose on themselves or others are arbitrary because at the end of the day, we’re all still human. And we can accomplish much more together than we ever could on our own.

This is the message that the X-men embody. Charles Xavier’s dream is as relevant today is it was 50 years ago. They are more than just a team of superheroes. They do more than just save the world from dangerous super-villains. They carry out acts of heroism despite the knowledge that many still hate and fear them. They seek to live peacefully in a world where so many have rejected them. Without them, it would be too easy for mutants or minorities of any kind to become alienated and separate themselves from the world. But the X-men remind everybody that this world is big enough for everybody. It doesn’t take heroes to embrace those who are different as human. It only takes a dream and inspiration.

For 50 years, the X-men have told stories that have inspired generations of readers. And in the real world, the struggles of minorities will continue. So long as society remains imperfect and human beings remain flawed, there will be many struggles for those who are hated and feared because of their differences. That’s why the core message of the X-men will always be important. And as the world grows and faces challenges too big for any one group of people, it is all the more vital that humanity to come together in understanding rather than remain divided by fear and hatred.

The Wolverine Trailer (And Why Movie Wolverine Is A Total Pussy)

It happened again today. Another trailer for another upcoming X-men movie came out. For me, that means one of two things. First, it means the executives at Fox are low on money for blow and hookers. Second, it means I need to stock up on hard liquor, weed, and Valium because every bit of news regarding X-men movies has made me want to shove C4 up my urethra, swallow several sticks of dynamite, and jump into a live volcano. But this is a blog about X-men and I wouldn't be a very responsible drunk of I didn't do a post about it.

First off, we already know what to expect with The Wolverine. If you've seen Batman Begins, you're not missing anything. Wolverine has suffered a huge loss, he's gone emo, he ditches the world he knows to find meaning, and ends up getting help from some stereotypical Asian guys. But unlike Batman, Wolverine does it in a way that somehow makes one of the most badass characters in the history of Marvel comics into a total pussy.

Let me start off by saying that I know I'm in the minority here. I am among those few X-men fans who absolutely hates the X-men movies. And I'm not just talking about Brett fucking Ratner or fucking Barakapool. I fucking hate Bryan Singer's movies. Yes, I know his movies paved the way for comic book movies everywhere. I know he's regularly praised for his brilliance and I do concede that he's done some great shit. I will gladly kiss his ass for the rest of my days for The Usual Suspects and House. But he's a fucking dipshit when it comes to comic book movies and he took X-men and butt-fucked it to a a point where the only good X-men movie we can get is X-men First Class, a movie that he was never involved in and didn't use his precious Wolverine.

This trailer in many ways highlights why Singer's X-men movies suck donkey balls and why there's no reason to hope that Days of Futures Past will be any better. First off, let's look at movie Wolverine and compare him to his comic counterpart. In the movies Wolverine meets up with the X-men, makes friends with Rogue, flirts with Jean, but then ditches the team at the end of the first movie. He comes back in the second movie, basically does jack shit aside from throw temper tantrums, tries to bone Jean Grey again, and basically distracts from every single side-plot. And in X3, he's supposed to now be teaching the team. He tries to bone Jean Grey again, but only ends up having to murder her ass and fails to keep Cyclops and Xavier from getting killed. And what does he do after all this tragedy? Well according to this trailer and the other trailer, he fucking leaves!

That's right. At a time when the X-men have lost Charles Xavier and two of the most capable X-men, he fucking up and leaves! And why? Because he's still pining for Jean Grey? Well here's one major detail that separates his boner for Jean in the movies compared to the comics. He knew Jean Grey for only a few days. I need to emphasize this. HE KNEW JEAN GREY FOR ONLY A FEW FUCKING DAYS! He left at the end of X1. She died at the end of X2 shortly after he returned. And she returned in X3 just so he could kill her. Yet somehow she's now the love of his fucking life? Never mind that they never got to hook up in the comics outside of AUs and never mind that she fucking married Cyclops, who was basically killed off to make room for Wolverine. How the fuck is Jean suddenly this epic love affair with Wolverine when he didn't even know the first thing about her? I mean look at X1 and X2. He had more screen time with Rogue than he did with Jean and now in this trailer he's having a vision of her? That's the kind of shit we expect from Edward Cullen. Not Wolverine.

On top of that, I need to reiterate something else. He fucking ditched the X-men at the end of X3! They are probably hurting a great deal after so many deaths, but he doesn't see fit to stick around and help? He just goes all emo and runs off to Japan? Since when the fuck did Wolverine, the badass hero who was supposed to have a sense of honor, get so sensitive that he just ditches a bunch of young mutants who need him badly because of some woman he barely fucking knew?! That's not badass. That's not just a dick move either. That's just being a flat out pissant little bitch!

Compare that with recent events in the comics. Professor Charles Xavier and Jean Grey died too. But in the comics, Wolverine actually stuck around and developed a close personal relationship with both. And when they did die with Jean in Planet X and Xavier in Avengers vs. X-men, he didn't fucking leave. He stayed with the X-men and became a leader even though he knows he's not good at it. Just read his fucking speech in Uncanny Avengers #1. That's fucking Wolverine. If that Wolverine met his movie version and found out that he just ditched the X-men, he wouldn't just murder his ass. He would piss on the remains.

Don't get me wrong. I love Hugh Jackman. I love Femke Jenssen. But the characters they played were fucked. Wolverine was a total fucking pussy. And Jean Grey in the movies was nothing more than a walking dick warmer for Wolverine that he never got to try out. And yet we're somehow supposed to respect him as this badass? I would respect a fucking Kardashian before I respect someone like that!

And I do blame Bryan Singer. He's the one who got the ball rolling on this shitty incarnation of Wolverine. He's the one who basically turned the X-men movies into glorified Wolverine movies and nothing more. And now he's the one trying to turn another epic X-men story, Days of Futures Past, into a movie. I have absolutely no confidence in him, nor do I have confidence in the future of X-men movies. I believe the only way this could ever be fixed is if Days of Futures Past becomes to X-men what Batman and Robin was to Batman movies. Bryan Singer needs to become the new Joel Shumacher so that he will never be allowed to touch another X-men movie, or comic book movie, until the end of time. He's already bombed on Jack the Giant Killer. Just one more bomb and he can be done with this shit so someone else can take over. At this point, I would give Joel Shumacher another shot at directing a comic book movie than I would Bryan Singer.

I get that this drunken rant is just that. A rant. I also know that Byran Singer is never going to read this shit and neither is Hugh Jackman or anyone at Fox. But I'm just putting it out there. Singer's X-men movies suck! His Wolverine sucks! His Jean Grey sucks! And this movie and Days of Futures Past is destined to suck if he keeps doing the same shit. And until that changes, I have no hope that we can ever have a decent X-men movie in the way. Instead, we're only going to be stuck with shit like this.

Nuff said!

Newsarama Update: What We Know About "X-men Days of Futures Past"

It's been a while since I talked about anything related to the X-men movies. I sort of have to because anytime I start talking about X-men movies I black out and wake up face down on my kitchen floor with all my booze gone and a stabbing pain in my ass. That's what happens when Fox and Marvel collectively gangbang the movies into oblivion with shit like X3 and Wolverine Origins. I mean what the fuck were they on when they came up with fucking Barakapool? There are some drugs that even I won't touch and that would be one of them.

But whether this shit kills my liver or not, it doesn't change the fact that these movies make a fuckton of money and Odin knows that the big wigs at Fox and Marvel can never have enough imported blow. While X-men First Class was an upgrade purely because it didn't follow any of the shit storms kicked up by the previous movies, Bryan Singer is looking to take it a step further with X-men First Class: Days of Futures Past. He's looking to do the exact opposite of what Brett Ratner did and NOT fuck up one of the most beloved stories in the history of X-men. That shouldn't sound too hard on paper, but given how Singer himself says he hated X3 he knows he's got a lot of unfucking to do.

Nope. Still not enough to undo X3. Nice try though.

Thankfully, Singer appears to be pulling out all the stops. He's not just bringing the X-men First Class crew back into the fold. He's bringing in other X-men veterans like Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian "Gandalf" McKellen. Apparently, the X-men alumni are just as eager to put X3 behind them as the rest of the universe. It's making for a crowded movie with a ton of star power who will likely be fighting for screen time, bonuses, and Eastern European hookers. As such, Newsarama recently did a nice article compiling everything we know so far about this movie. And after reading it, I've concluded we still don't know jack shit.

Newsarama: What We Know About X-men: Days of Futures Past

X-Men: Days of Future Past is a little under 18 months away, and director Bryan Singer is announcing casting news via his Twitter account on a regular basis, with what feels like everyone who showed up for a frame in the first few X-Men movies returning for this one.
So let's take a look at what we know so far, along with a little bit of speculation as to what could be next. 

WHO'S IN

A lot of people.

No, seriously: Days of Future Past is effectively of a direct sequel to 2011's X-Men: First Class, so it's not a shock that much of the main cast from the '60s-set film — Michael Fassbender (Magneto), James McAvoy (Charles Xavier), Jennifer Lawrence (Mystique) and Nicholas Hoult (Beast) — are all back. 

But the time traveling nature of Days of Future Past means that a lot of the contemporary X-Men from the original three films — the first two directed by Singer, and the third by Brett Ratner — are also returning. Hugh Jackman will play Wolverine for the seventh time (counting his memorable First Class cameo), and Ian McKellen (modern-day Magneto) and Patrick Stewart (modern-day Xavier) are also on board, according to Singer.

This past weekend, three more X-alumni were added to the already large Days of Future Past cast: Anna Paquin (Rogue), Shawn Ashmore (Iceman) and Ellen Page (Kitty Pryde). The latter's inclusion seems especially notable, given the important part that Kitty Pryde played in the "Days of Future Past" comic book story that serves as inspiration to the film.

Though that's already a lot of X-Men, there's no indication that Singer is stopping here. Someone like James Marsden (Cyclops), who's playing a big role in the 30 Rock wrap-up, sure seems like a possibility given his importance to the franchise, but there's been no word yet on his involvement. (And yeah, his character died in The Last Stand, but a) time travel, and b) X-Men characters have been known to come back from the dead once or twice.) 

Halle Berry (Storm) may seem like a long-shot to return for what is likely a small part, but she is one of the many big names in Movie 43, so really anything is possible. Rebecca Romijn — the original movie Mystique — had a quick First Class appearance, so no reason to count her out, either.

There's even been word that Alan Cumming, who appeared in 2003's X2: X-Men United as Nightcrawler but did not return for The Last Stand, is interested in returning.

"Enough time has elapsed that I would like to go back to it," Cumming was quoted by NME via ComingSoon.net. "I haven't gotten the call. Someone told me that Nightcrawler doesn't appear in the story but I don't know, I think they would have called by now."

Also in the "no word either way" category: Kelsey Grammer, The Last Stand's Beast (but with younger Beast confirmed to be playing a role, maybe?); and plenty of First Class cast members like Caleb Landy Jones (Banshee), Lucas Till (Havok) and Zoë Kravitz (Angel Salvadore)

Also, hey: Along with the bonanza of returning characters, it's likely that the movie will introduce a couple of new-to-movie characters, right? Purely speculating here, but given the nature of the story, might noted time-travelers Cable or Bishop be a possibility? Or maybe Rachel Summers — a product of the "Days of Future Past" comic book story?

WHO'S OUT

Inevitably, a few X-Men wont be in Days of Future Past (as unlikely as that may seem right now). It's looking at this point that Famke Janssen, who played Jean Grey in the first three movies, is not planned to return. In a recent interview with Collider promoting Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Janssen said, "If you run into Bryan Singer, just tell him I’ve been sitting by the phone, I’ve been hearing rumors of all these people getting cast; what about me? I’m waiting." 

Yet there have been multiple reports that Janssen will cameo as Jean Grey in this year's The Wolverine, so don't count her out yet. (Yes, she also died in The Last Stand. It's Jean Grey we're talking about.) 

January Jones also doesn't seem optimistic about a Days of Future Past role — quoted by MovieWeb as saying "I don't think Emma [Frost]'s in this one" — news likely to please the many fans less than enthused by her performance in First Class.

WHAT'S THE STORY?

Days of Future Past is one of the most famous X-Men stories of all time, originally appearing in 1981's Uncanny X-Men #141-#142. It presents a bleak alternate future where most of the X-Men are dead, and mutants are hunted even worse than they are in the mainstream Marvel timeline. 

It's all because the X-Men failed to stop the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, led by Mystique, from killing the anti-mutant Senator Robert Kelly. That caused all sorts of major problems for homo superior, and prompted the adult "Kate" Pryde to transports her mind back in time into her younger body to warn the X-Men about the consequences of the assassination. The story also served as the introduction of Rachel Summers, the alternate future daughter of Cyclops and Jean Grey that remains an important part of current X-Men comics.

In a newly published interview with Empire, Singer made it clear that time travel is an important part of his story, and that he even consulted with James Cameron. 

"You have to create your rules and stick with them," Singer told the UK film magazine. "That's why Terminator and Back To The Future work so well. And there are certain mechanisms in X-Men, certain powers, perceptions and characters, that make this possible."

Singer also made clear that the movie will indeed take cues from the comic, albeit in a way that makes sense for the format.

"It has a lot of aspects of the comic," Singer said. "The actual comic of Days Of Future Past had a whole ton of stuff going on, so it’s like any of these things; you have to distill it. But I think the fans will be pleased that some of the most exciting parts of Days Of Future Past are going to be connected to this movie."

Comic book superstar Mark Millar is a creative consultant on Fox's Marvel movies, and a few months back implied that the movie will have something important to the "Days of Future Past" comic book story but not yet really seen in the movies: Sentinels, the giant mutant-hunting robots long a part of X-Men lore.

“You've got robots, you've got time travel, you've got superheroes," Millar said in an interview with SFX. "It's got everything in one film."

At the time, Matthew Vaughn — the director of First Class — was still scheduled to direct Days of Future Past, so any or all of that may no longer apply. Speaking of Vaughn, back in 2011, he spoke with HitFix about his speculative plans for a First Class sequel. (Keep in mind that First Class took place in 1962 during the Cuban Missile Crisis, 13 months before John F. Kennedy was assassinated.)

"I've got some ideas for the opening for the next film," Vaughn said. "I thought it would be fun to open with the Kennedy Assassination, and we reveal that the magic bullet was controlled by Magneto.  That would explain the physics of it, and we see that he's pissed off because Kennedy took all the credit for saving the world and mutants weren't even mentioned."

Though Vaughn is no longer directing the film, now that we know Days of Future Past is the inspiration of the film, could it be that it's not Robert Kelly's assassination that the X-Men are trying to foil, but rather a much less fictional politician?

It's just speculation for now, but at the rate things are going, we'll likely learn a lot more about Days of Future Past between now and its scheduled July 18, 2014 release date. 
So what are we to make of this information? Fuck if I know. I still abide by the drunken logic that the only way X-men movies can ever be made palpable again is if X3 and Wolverine Origins is completely rebooted and denied like the moon landings for the rest of eternity. Days of Futures Past might be a way to actually accomplish that, but doing so might just make too much sense. The X-men movies are notorious for giving the source material a big middle finger. X2 was the only time they actually managed to get away with it partially, but more often than not Fox and Marvel eventually fuck it up. And I'm going to keep assuming they'll do that with Days of Futures Past until proven otherwise. Nuff said!

New Mutants Forever #4 - Ancient and Modern Awesome

When it comes to any media, there are certain traditions and patterns that are older and more cliched than jokes about Tom Cruise's chances of ever winning an Oscar. Whether it's comics, movies, or TV there are some formulas that just work. Usually the key ingredients to those formulas involve but aren't restricted to Nazis, hot blondes, and old world pagan cultures that weren't as uptight about the occasional orgy. They won't craft these elaborate literary masterpieces that would cause Shakespeare to rise from the grave and challenge the writer to a duel, but they are entertaining and they do tell a decent story. Chris Claremont is known for using certain cliches from time to time. His Forever series has been somewhat of a celebration of these cliches. New Mutants Forever is one such celebration that involves the equivalent of a solid DJ, better drinks, and more uncut cocaine.

Since this mini began is has told a rather condensed tale about the New Mutant series that picked up from the work Claremont did with this series in 1987, a time when many readers were still a glob of mindless sperm cells swimming around in their father's hairy sack. Like his other Forever series, this one continues like he never left. At his age he's getting paid to pretend his living in the past. For many people in that age bracket, it's a pretty sweet deal. And Claremont has taken full advantage of it, showing that he's kicking senility's ass and still churning out plenty of awesome. The first three issues of New Mutants Forever set up a strong plot involving the Red Skull, Amara Aquilla's homeland of Nova Roma, and Doug Ramsey being turned into one of the Red Skull's minions. He hasn't been able to involve the full range of New Mutant characters like Wolfsbane, Magneto, or the rest of the Hellfire Club. But it's still been a damn good story. It involves Nazis, Ancient Rome, mind control, and beautiful women. It's that same formula I mentioned earlier and so far Claremont has made it work.

New Mutants Forever #4 tries to milk that formula the same way video game makers incessantly suckle at the teat of World War II. In the last issue Selene was leading the New Mutants in an effort to investigate what was happening on Nova Roma. They walked straight into a mix of orgies and shit storms, basically a weekend at Rick James's house. They met the mind-controlled Dough Ramsey and Amara. Doug had gotten the Barry Bonds treatment from the Red Skull and seemingly killed Warlock, forcing Selene and the others to retreat. While Doug should have been feeling good about himself for doing his master's bidding, he felt like shit and started having regrets. Then Warlock showed up and made it clear that he didn't take kindly to being beat up. So now Doug has to fight off mind-control and a pissed off friend. It blurs the line between multi-tasking and schizophrenia.

Cypher fights Warlock with the full assumption that the Red Skull is watching his every move. And he's right. The Red Skull is watching and fantasizing about making Amara his love slave. He's essentially a Nazi version of Kanye West and creepy it may be, who can blame him for wanting a hot blonde as a queen? It doesn't help that Amara's starting to fight old Red's control as well. For any Nazi, losing control over a beautiful women like tantamount to calling Hitler a sissy.

Cypher fights the control off better and does get the upper hand on Warlock. And Warlock is smart enough to pick up that he's fighting his friend here. This puts him in a classic "does not compute" position that Windows Vista users should be very familiar with. He starts figuring out what Doug is doing and is on the verge of blurting it out like that guy at a wedding who blurts out the last four guys the bride went down on at her baccalaureate party. Then Amara shows up and torches Warlock. She takes some heat of her own in the process, but comic readers in this day and age should be desensitized to pretty blonds getting beat up. This is the post Jerry Springer era after all. Warlock ends up leaving the fight to most likely reboot so for the moment Cypher's cover isn't blown. Plus, he gets to carry an unconscious blond so that's a nice bonus.

Warlock flees and reappears with Magik and Cannonball to regroup. They're met by Selene, the usually sadistic Black Queen who so far has proven to be several levels below the Red Skull. In the last issue she was soundly humiliated by getting poisoned with the Red Skull's version of Michael Jackson's Jesus Juice. She bounced back and is out for revenge. So she leads Warlock, Magik, and Cannonball to an underground lair where the Nova Romans have formed their equivalent of the French Resistance. They also get a history lesson of how Selene used to rule Nova Roma and her influence carries as much weight as her bra (if she wore one). She helped fight off past invaders before, sending them all running back in a mix of horror and sexual arousal. There's something about having to surrender to a woman with a full boner that makes defeat all the more humiliating.

Once Selene rallies the troops, they strike back at the Red Skull. What comes next is a decent battle scene, but it's not quite as epic as it should be. It's no Saving Private Ryan, but it does leave a ton of Nazi storm troopers in a mangled mess so if you hate Nazis or just watch too much Fox News this should put a smile on your face. It also has the New Mutants showing some balls against the Red Skull, who has had the upper hand for pretty much this whole mini. Now that they have an army behind them, the New Mutants are understandably more confident.

This still doesn't do Cypher much good, who is trying to break free of the Red Skull's influence. It's only now starting to dawn on him that looking as red as Ricky Martins ass after a meth bender and as deformed as Joan Rivers's pre-Botox face has it's downside. It's bound to make family pictures and prom photos very awkward. The Red Skull is watching this struggle the whole time and he delights in it the same way Freddy Kruger delights in a vulnerable teenagers with parent issues and poor grades.

Cypher's outburst doesn't go unnoticed and not just with the Red Skull either. Warlock reveals that he's been keeping an eye on Cypher like a kid with binoculars outside a college sorority house. Now given that Cypher helped beat Warlock to a digital pulp earlier you would think a rematch would be in order. But the scene that unfolds here is a little bit of a mystery.

Warlock reaches out to Cypher and offers help, but he doesn't really say it. He just approaches Cypher, he starts talking, and then they talk about fighting back. It's a confusing scene and one of the first that Claremont seems to have underdeveloped. Warlock doesn't even say anything yet Cypher just laments how he's become a freak and wants to fight back. It feels like some of the conversation got cut out. It's like a momentary blackout when you're trying to talk to a hot girl at a club and you're so buzzed you forget the conversation and keep talking like it never stopped. Usually, that sort of thing turns a girl off quicker than a discussion of the latest treatments for herpes. In this issue it's just confusing.

However they magically conjured a plan, Cypher and Warlock put it into action. Warlock mysteriously vanishes from the panels and Cypher goes into his John Rambo mode. He fights his way into the Red Skull's throne room and unloads on him like a PETA supporter at a Ted Nugent concert. The fight scene that follows is pretty awesome. Cypher shows some cajones, but as he says himself this is a guy that went toe-to-toe with Captain America. He's a teenager who endured a botched makeover and a mind raping, not a super soldier and it shows.

The Red Skull goes for the haymaker by trying to inject Cypher with the same non-FDA approved drug that turned him into little miss red sunshine to begin with. That's when Cypher channels his inner Captain America and turns the tide. While the Red Skull may be a hell of a fighter, the man is old enough to be Eleanore Roosevelt's personal gigolo. Cypher has youth on his side and that seems to give him the edge.

Then something unexpected and twisted happens. Chris Claremont may be using a lot of old cliches here, but the man is a legendary X-men writer for a reason. He knows how to blow a reader's brains away in no fewer than twenty different ways. Just as Cypher has the Red Skull down for the count, Magma steps in and takes him out with a good old fashioned Benedict Arnold.

And to add insult to injury, a shadowy hand takes the needle the Red Skull was going to use against him and injects Cypher with another dose. Even with the Red Skull in the same room, that's over the top. And the man that shadowy hand belongs to isn't Amara or the Red Skull. It's the man who was supposed to be their ally and who helped Cypher get into the Red Skull's domain in the first place, Tiberius Rex. So now he has a hulked out version of Cypher on the Red Skull's steroids and a hot mind-controlled blond by his side. He is essentially living the American and Roman dream (minus the orgy), setting the stage for a very different battle in the final issue.

Going back to those old formulas I mentioned, Chris Claremont topped this issue off with a good old fashioned twist. Put together in a story containing Nazis, hot blonds, exotic cultures with looser attitudes towards sex, and crazy genetic experiments and you've got all the necessary ingredients for pure awesome! And Claremont, like a skilled chef, put them together in all the right ways. The story is like the cake and the execution is like the frosting. If you have diabetes, reading this may send you into a coma although for awesome comics it's more than worth it.

Now I've given high marks to every issue of New Mutants Forever thus far and there's plenty here that warrants a similar high score. However, this issue did have a few major missteps. The scene with Cypher meeting up with Warlock again was jumbled and confusing. It didn't make sense especially with Warlock not even taking part in the fight against the Red Skull. It seemed too rushed. Another misstep were the inner monologues. While Chris Claremont is known for showing a lot of thought bubbles, this time he used them too much to just have the characters explain what they're doing. I don't mind thought bubbles describing the feelings and emotions of a character, but when someone starts narrating their actions that's usually a symptom of psychosis or a symptom someone is trying to act out Family Guy in real life.

These shortcomings are not easily brushed aside so I must taper the score. However, the twist at the end with Amara and Tiberius did keep it from going too low. There's still plenty of reason to pick up the final issue if for nothing else to enjoy one last dose of Al Rio's excellent artwork in this series. So for New Mutants Forever #4 I give it a 4 out of 5. There's no reason why Chris Claremont can't take all these cliched elements and bring them together in one last final show of awesome. With X-men Forever getting the axe soon and this being a mini, the old X-men legend this caliber of awesome will be fleeting. So like a good line of cocaine, enjoy it while it lasts! Nuff said.

New Mutants Forever #2 - Brazilian Carnival and Nazis

I know this book came out last week, but cut me a break. It was hard to find. New Mutants Forever is one of those titles that nobody is giving any attention or going out of their way to promote. In essence, it is the Stephen Baldwin of comic books. Chris Claremont is an X-men writing legend and he's been trying to expand that legend with X-men Forever and this mini, New Mutants Forever. While X-men Forever has the problem of trying to do to much and doing it poorly, New Mutants Forever tries to do just enough and does it right (so far anyways). The first issue was a real treat, bringing the old school New Mutants back into the fold with the Hellfire Club, including Magneto and Emma Frost, and throwing in a twist at the end that was the equivalent of a jackhammer to the eye socket. Amara and Doug, Magma and Cypher for all you codename minded people, were abducted by forces from Amara's home city of Nova Roma and the asshole behind it was none other than the Red Skull. Yeah, that Red Skull. It's a Forever title damn it! It can get away with prying other characters from other Marvel titles!

The next issue has to measure up to a bar that was set pretty damn high. Few probably came into New Mutants Forever expecting a twist like that. With the second issue, it's impossible to pull a twist like that again without revealing the Red Skull is working for fucking Cobra Commander or something. Since that's not Chris Claremont's style, that's not to be expected. However, it does amp up the expectations of this book and this series as a whole. Usually Chris Claremont measures up, especially when it comes to the X-men. But if there's one thing X-men Forever has proven, it's that he is capable of tarnishing his own legacy.

The second issue starts off with some nice eye-candy. In the previous issue, not all the New Mutants participated in the battle against the Red Skull. Roberto and Warlock were not there for the fight. They were down in Roberto's home country of Brazil enjoying the sexy and obscenely suggestive Carnival that is so well known to those who watch Brazilian porn. So the guy blew off the New Mutants for a chance at attending a party of dancing, partying, and shaved pussy. Most honest guys would admit they would have done the same.

While the glorious celebration of debauchery is going on, Roberto's mother is in a bit of trouble. She's being chased by some very non-Brazilian looking thugs and you know they're not Brazilian because they're not all that sexy. Even for a woman who looks old enough to be knitting sweaters in her spare time, Roberto's mom sure can kick ass. Warlock, who is in the disguise of a guy who looks like a cross between Fabio and a gay porn star, traces the signal to find out where she is.

It is probably the only time Warlock can pull off one of this bizarre body/machine contortions and not draw any attention. During Carnival in Brazil where Lady Gaga could probably casually walk down the street and act like she's under-dressed, a stunt like this turns about as much heads as a C-SPAN marathon. With Warlock's help, Roberto arrives to save his mother but not before she gets shot. That's how you know these guys are Nazi thugs. They always do something that earns them no sympathy for when they have to get their asses kicked. Sunspot and Warlock deliver, helping make up for the lack of action they saw in the first issue and beat down on the Nazi's in a style all Call of Duty fans would appreciate.

Once the Nazi's are taken care of, they get Sunspot's mother some needed medical treatment. Since Sunspot's family is rich and all, even by non-Brazilian standards, she gets the kind of care only Dick Cheney would enjoy in a lopsided health care system. She gets a clean bill of health, much to Sunspot's relief. While she's recovering, she makes the connections between this event and what happened in the previous issue.

The last issue introduced an unfolding mystery on Nova Roma, Amara's home city. Amara's father tried to seek help from the New Mutants (which ended up getting completely fucked up, but I already went over that in a previous review) while the DaCosta family tried to get support from the Brazilian government. The bad guys working against them did not like that so like all Nazis, their solution is to exterminate it. That's how she ended up getting chased and shot. So now the burden is on Sunspot and the New Mutants to take care of the rest. It's either that or go to the government. When given the choice between a bunch of super-powered teenagers and the government, it's a pretty clear choice. At least the super-powered teenagers are only emotionally unstable and not completely unstable on top of being grossly incompetent.

The story then finally picks up with Amara and Doug, who were last seen as captives of the Red Skull. This is still the case and the Red Skull is smart enough to give them power suppressing collars as well. They quickly find out that they're not alone in their imprisonment either. A very strapping young man named Tiberius Sum is in the cell with them and he quickly captures Amara's fancy, much to Doug's chagrin. He claims to be another one of the Red Skull's captives, but the man's name is Tiberius. That's the same name of a perverted old Roman Emperor who used to have pre-pubescent boys nibble on his body so he could get his rock off. Not a good name to take, even by liberal Roman standards. But that doesn't stop Amara from trusting him, or wanting to jump is bone either.

Never one to let his prisoners get comfortable, the Red Skull makes his appearance to Doug and Amara. Rather than do the standard evil boasting that often involves blatantly revealing his plan, the Red Skull skips right to his epic douche-baggery. He starts by using the collars to shock Amara and Tiberius (the non perverted version) and then grabs Doug by the neck. He doesn't drop any hints to what he's doing or why he's doing it. He basically comes off as a guy just looking to be an overall asshole. That's not to say he doesn't do a good job of it though. With Doug in his hands, he injects him with a needle that does not seem to contain pure Brazilian cocaine. Instead, it puts Doug through a gruesome transformation, one that turns him into a mini-Red Skull. So in essence Red Skull is making all those around him look just like him. It's a very Nazi thing to do even if it is fucked up.

Al Rio's art really shines here. He goes from something that's very grotesque to some nice scenery to so that readers have a moment to swallow their bile. The story pans out over Nova Roma, which looks like something straight out of the History Channel minus the Peter King narration and shitty sound effects. This is where the events of the first two issues come together. Selene, Sam, and Illyana decided to make their trip to Nova Roma at the end of the first issue while Sunspot and Warlock decided to do the same in this issue. They just happen to appear right next to each other in the same damn alley of the city. Yeah, it's pretty contrived, but it's a comic book. This shit happens no matter who is writing it. At least it brings the team together in a way that feels semi-fluid. Stranger coincidences have happened I guess.

They don't have to go too far to get to the action though. Within a few panels of meeting one another, they find what they're looking for. It's another surprise, but not one nearly as mind-blowing as the end of the previous issue. Just as Selene is about to lead an assault on the palace of Nova Roma, they're confronted by Amara, Doug, and Tiberius. Except they're not exactly happy to see them. They've been indoctrinated as the Nazis would call it. Doug is now his in his new Red Skull look, Tiberius is sporting a swastikas on his toga, and Amara is in a new sexy Nazi get-up that proves once and for all that even assholes like the Red Skull can have some damn sexy fashion sense. It sets the stage for a clash between the New Mutants and their brain washed friends. It's about as exciting as it sounds, even if it seems cliched. Compared to the first issue, it evokes more of a shrug than a gasp. It's still pretty awesome though and gives just enough reason to check out the next issue (if you can find it).

So again, the Forever titles show that it is possible for nostalgia to still be pretty awesome. While New Mutants Forever isn't getting the same attention X-men Forever is, one could make the argument that this is the better book. The art is solid, the story is better structured, and the twists and turns have really set this book apart from other New Mutant stories. Chris Claremont once again shows that when it comes to Marvel's marry band of mutants, he's always going to be one of the best. He still uses some techniques that went out of style before Kurt Cobain overdosed in 1994 like excessive thought bubbles and wordy narration, but it's not overdone here and feels like a real New Mutants story that fits just as well in 2010 as it would have in 1988.

There were some surprises, but nothing compared to the surprises of the first issue. In addition, this issue did nothing to answer any questions or even so much as hint at the answers. The Red Skull's plan is still completely unknown. There wasn't even a hint of what he was after. Everything he did just seemed to have no reason behind it other than being the arrogant jerk he's always been. That's probably the book's greatest shortcoming. The characterization and story of the New Mutants is great, but the story about the challenges they're facing is underdeveloped. There are still three issues to flesh this out, but a few hints sure would have helped.

There's still a lot to enjoy with this book. That's why I give New Mutants Forever #2 a 4.5 out of 5. Chris Claremont still has it! He's outlasted Michael Jackson and Nirvana with his comic book brilliance. Here's to hoping he'll outlast the likes of Lady Gaga and Kanye West as well! Nuff said.