Deadpool | Red Band Trailer 2 [HD] | 20th Century FOX

Merry Christmas, everybody! For just one second, put down the eggnog and stop thinking about how you're going to return your shitty gifts and celebrate with something truly festive. By that, I mean Deadpool. I mean come on! He's wearing red. That's a Christmasy color, isn't it?

Because we're mindless consumers, we buy into all the shit that Hollywood sells us when it comes to superheroes. However, this is Deadpool. He's NOT a typical superhero and this shit ain't rated PG-13. I could explain more, but I'd rather let the wonderfully charismatic, former Mr. Scarlett Johannsen explain it. Enjoy!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR - Official Trailer #1 (2016) Marvel Superhero...

Let's face it, Disney owns our ass. They have Star Wars. They have Marvel. They have Frozen. They might as well buy their own mint at this point. Well, like a rich douche on Instagram, they insist on flaunting how much they own us every chance they get. Enter the first official trailer for Captain America: Civil War.

It's a movie that's not nearly as hyped as Age of Ultron and maybe that's a good thing. Besides, why does Disney need hype at this point? They have a fucking Star Wars movie coming out in a month. I think they're worried about frying our brains with pure awesome at this point. Having fried my brain enough by sitting through shitty Batman movies in the 90s, I'm okay with letting some hype build for this one.


Will this movie be as big as the original Avengers movie? Probably not. Will it top Star Wars? Definitely not. Will it still be awesome? After seeing this trailer, I'm going to go off on a limb and say fuck yes!

New Avengers Trailer Arrives - Marvel's Avengers: Age of Ultron Trailer 2

We've seen one trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron. It was awesome enough to make me want to run down my street naked thanking the gods that I have something this awesome to look forward to in 2015. Unfortunately, the sheriff of my neighborhood is a humorless pussy and some asshole killjoy passed some law about indecent exposure. I don't know. All I do know is that a second trailer has come out and I've got an aching desire to test those indecent exposure laws again. Nuff said!

The Wolverine Trailer (And Why Movie Wolverine Is A Total Pussy)

It happened again today. Another trailer for another upcoming X-men movie came out. For me, that means one of two things. First, it means the executives at Fox are low on money for blow and hookers. Second, it means I need to stock up on hard liquor, weed, and Valium because every bit of news regarding X-men movies has made me want to shove C4 up my urethra, swallow several sticks of dynamite, and jump into a live volcano. But this is a blog about X-men and I wouldn't be a very responsible drunk of I didn't do a post about it.

First off, we already know what to expect with The Wolverine. If you've seen Batman Begins, you're not missing anything. Wolverine has suffered a huge loss, he's gone emo, he ditches the world he knows to find meaning, and ends up getting help from some stereotypical Asian guys. But unlike Batman, Wolverine does it in a way that somehow makes one of the most badass characters in the history of Marvel comics into a total pussy.

Let me start off by saying that I know I'm in the minority here. I am among those few X-men fans who absolutely hates the X-men movies. And I'm not just talking about Brett fucking Ratner or fucking Barakapool. I fucking hate Bryan Singer's movies. Yes, I know his movies paved the way for comic book movies everywhere. I know he's regularly praised for his brilliance and I do concede that he's done some great shit. I will gladly kiss his ass for the rest of my days for The Usual Suspects and House. But he's a fucking dipshit when it comes to comic book movies and he took X-men and butt-fucked it to a a point where the only good X-men movie we can get is X-men First Class, a movie that he was never involved in and didn't use his precious Wolverine.

This trailer in many ways highlights why Singer's X-men movies suck donkey balls and why there's no reason to hope that Days of Futures Past will be any better. First off, let's look at movie Wolverine and compare him to his comic counterpart. In the movies Wolverine meets up with the X-men, makes friends with Rogue, flirts with Jean, but then ditches the team at the end of the first movie. He comes back in the second movie, basically does jack shit aside from throw temper tantrums, tries to bone Jean Grey again, and basically distracts from every single side-plot. And in X3, he's supposed to now be teaching the team. He tries to bone Jean Grey again, but only ends up having to murder her ass and fails to keep Cyclops and Xavier from getting killed. And what does he do after all this tragedy? Well according to this trailer and the other trailer, he fucking leaves!

That's right. At a time when the X-men have lost Charles Xavier and two of the most capable X-men, he fucking up and leaves! And why? Because he's still pining for Jean Grey? Well here's one major detail that separates his boner for Jean in the movies compared to the comics. He knew Jean Grey for only a few days. I need to emphasize this. HE KNEW JEAN GREY FOR ONLY A FEW FUCKING DAYS! He left at the end of X1. She died at the end of X2 shortly after he returned. And she returned in X3 just so he could kill her. Yet somehow she's now the love of his fucking life? Never mind that they never got to hook up in the comics outside of AUs and never mind that she fucking married Cyclops, who was basically killed off to make room for Wolverine. How the fuck is Jean suddenly this epic love affair with Wolverine when he didn't even know the first thing about her? I mean look at X1 and X2. He had more screen time with Rogue than he did with Jean and now in this trailer he's having a vision of her? That's the kind of shit we expect from Edward Cullen. Not Wolverine.

On top of that, I need to reiterate something else. He fucking ditched the X-men at the end of X3! They are probably hurting a great deal after so many deaths, but he doesn't see fit to stick around and help? He just goes all emo and runs off to Japan? Since when the fuck did Wolverine, the badass hero who was supposed to have a sense of honor, get so sensitive that he just ditches a bunch of young mutants who need him badly because of some woman he barely fucking knew?! That's not badass. That's not just a dick move either. That's just being a flat out pissant little bitch!

Compare that with recent events in the comics. Professor Charles Xavier and Jean Grey died too. But in the comics, Wolverine actually stuck around and developed a close personal relationship with both. And when they did die with Jean in Planet X and Xavier in Avengers vs. X-men, he didn't fucking leave. He stayed with the X-men and became a leader even though he knows he's not good at it. Just read his fucking speech in Uncanny Avengers #1. That's fucking Wolverine. If that Wolverine met his movie version and found out that he just ditched the X-men, he wouldn't just murder his ass. He would piss on the remains.

Don't get me wrong. I love Hugh Jackman. I love Femke Jenssen. But the characters they played were fucked. Wolverine was a total fucking pussy. And Jean Grey in the movies was nothing more than a walking dick warmer for Wolverine that he never got to try out. And yet we're somehow supposed to respect him as this badass? I would respect a fucking Kardashian before I respect someone like that!

And I do blame Bryan Singer. He's the one who got the ball rolling on this shitty incarnation of Wolverine. He's the one who basically turned the X-men movies into glorified Wolverine movies and nothing more. And now he's the one trying to turn another epic X-men story, Days of Futures Past, into a movie. I have absolutely no confidence in him, nor do I have confidence in the future of X-men movies. I believe the only way this could ever be fixed is if Days of Futures Past becomes to X-men what Batman and Robin was to Batman movies. Bryan Singer needs to become the new Joel Shumacher so that he will never be allowed to touch another X-men movie, or comic book movie, until the end of time. He's already bombed on Jack the Giant Killer. Just one more bomb and he can be done with this shit so someone else can take over. At this point, I would give Joel Shumacher another shot at directing a comic book movie than I would Bryan Singer.

I get that this drunken rant is just that. A rant. I also know that Byran Singer is never going to read this shit and neither is Hugh Jackman or anyone at Fox. But I'm just putting it out there. Singer's X-men movies suck! His Wolverine sucks! His Jean Grey sucks! And this movie and Days of Futures Past is destined to suck if he keeps doing the same shit. And until that changes, I have no hope that we can ever have a decent X-men movie in the way. Instead, we're only going to be stuck with shit like this.

Nuff said!

Iron Man 3: A Threequel That Doesn't Suck!

The end of a movie trilogy has always been looked upon in the same way a fly looks at a piece of cow shit. You know one is going to be drawn to the other. You can't avoid it. The best you can do is hold your nose and hope that the fumes don't incur too much brain damage. Some call it the Godfather 3 syndrome. I call it overpaid movie types spending too much money on blow and not enough on making sure the damn story actually works. I'm not against Hollywood types doing blow. Hell, TMZ would go out of business if it stopped. But there's a little something us functioning crack heads called moderation and it pays off if you're not a complete fucking retard.

That brings us to Iron Man 3, the first movie in Marvel's Phase Two segment of its movies and the last in the trilogy that kicked off Phase One. Iron Man was in many ways the movie that set the standard for Marvel movies. It didn't just turn Robert Downey Jr. from a recovering coke head to a massive superstar. It showed that comic book movies can be both awesome, profitable, and entertaining. It did for Marvel what the internet did for porn. It created an exciting new medium for awesome that soaked the panties of a generation of comic fans.

Yet it's because these movies were so good that the third sequel was in great danger of burning out. When the bar is raised so high, it's only natural that someone ends up hitting their or flat out choking to death (see X3). Even when they don't choke, threequels can be so sub-par that they can taint the whole trilogy (again, see X3). So the stakes for Iron Man 3 couldn't be higher. But I'm both happy and drunk to report that this is not the case.

That's right. It was all uphill from here.

It's true. Iron Man 3 is awesome. Yes, it is a threequel and it's awesome. Praise Odin, Galactus, and whatever crazy deity those blue cat people worshiped on Avatar. For once, Hollywood didn't fuck up a threequel. I would not have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes while semi-sober. But it's true. Iron Man 3 actually succeeded where X3, Superman 3, Spider-Man 3, and Godfather 3 failed. It's basically Marvel Studio's way of saying "Suck it, Fox!"

Let's start with the premise. Iron Man 3 took one of the most recognizable Iron Man villains, the Mandarin, and one of the best Iron Man stories from the comics, Extremis, as source material. That would be like X3 using Apocalypse and NOT fucking up the Phoenix Saga. But it's not just the source material that is rich in awesome. The events of Avengers have left an indelible mark on Tony Stark. Apparently, flying a nuclear bomb into a wormhole has a way of fucking some people up. He's basically a wreck now, suffering from the same post traumatic stress disorder that most anyone would suffer from if they went through something so fucked up. He can't sleep. He's drowning himself in work. And he's doing a shitty job of keeping his girlfriend/partner, Pepper Potts, happy. Then again, I guess when you're Gweneth Paltrow and you're the most hated, pompous celebrity in Hollywood, that's not much of a stretch.

But the world after the events of Avengers has also been fucked up. I mean what do you do when you've been invaded by aliens and gods? Well one organization seems to know what to do. You fucking profit from that shit! It's insane how realistic that sounds, but that's exactly what the Advanced Idea Mechanics, or AIM as any self-respecting Marvel fan would know, plan to do. And that's where the Mandarin comes in. He's basically Bin Ladin, Khadafi, and Kim Jong Ill with better sunglasses and a beard. He also may be one of the most racist character you'll ever come across in the comics, but he's basically this evil guy with an Asian-sounding name who wants to destroy America. Why? Because fuck America, that's why! That's what it pretty much boils down to in the comics.

Yep. Nothing raised about this.

But it's worth noting here that the movie does something unique with the Mandarin that helps soften the blow to anyone inclined to bitch about racism. I won't give it away, but I will say that it establishes a sense of theatricality in the movie. I'm not talking about M. Night Shyamalan twists here. If you're hoping for a twist that's going to blow your fucking mind, go back to hoping for Batman fans to forgive Joel Shumacher because it's not going to happen.

Throughout Iron Man 3, nothing is quite as it seems. It's hard to tell just what forces are at work at times, but unlike other movies that try to throw too many curve-balls that end up missing the plate and hitting the batter in the balls, those forces do get revealed. It helps create a bigger picture throughout the movie that actually sends a message that doesn't just involve the benefits of sending high tech robots to kill other high tech robots. It gives the sense that the world within the world is an act. People will manipulate the fears and outrage of the masses to accomplish a goal. Even when that goal is as basic as making money, the sheer breadth of it speaks to the depths of both greed and the need for control.

This is where AIM comes in. They are, in many ways, the ultimate villain of the modern era. They are not some blood-thirsty foreign army or some rogue terrorist group. It isn't enough for them to just make fancy shit that they can sell to people that are eager to blow shit up. They need to control both the supply and the demand of war. That's where Aldrich Killian and Maya Hansen come in. Aldrich is the leader of AIM and Maya is a chick Tony boned in the past who came up with Extremis, proving once again that most of the evil in the world can be traced back to ex-girlfriends. They seek to use Extremis, a bold new drug that started simply as a means of enhancing the human body and helping wounded war veterans heal, as the ultimate weapon of war. It's devious, but not unrealistic. You have to think that the guys at Fox News and the Vatican have entertained some plans like this at one point.

It all comes back to Tony Stark, but in this movie he can't just beat this threat by making a better Iron Man. In fact, for most of this movie he's either not in his Iron Man suit or he's using a suit that has been badly damaged. Early on in the movie, his instability and his arrogance get the better of him. His house blows up. His girlfriend gets abducted. Jarvis goes off line. And he's basically stuck in some random town in the middle of Tennessee (the part without Elvis impersonators) trying to piece everything together. He essentially has to rebuild himself and not just Iron Man. And that's part of what makes the story itself compelling. He's a badly wounded guy with serious anxiety issues trying t pull himself together. All the while, he's still the same lovable prick. Only a guy like Robert Downy Jr. can pull that shit off and make it so entertaining.

In the end, this battle comes to a very definitive and very satisfying conclusion. It's made clear that the suit is not the only thing that makes Iron Man who he is. Tony Stark and Iron Man are one in the same. Take away the suit and the house and he's still Iron Man. Stick him in the middle of nowhere and force him to team up with some random kid and he's still Iron Man. Take away that glowing chest plate and he's still Iron man. That's the main message of this movie and it delivers that message perfectly.

You'll never be this awesome. Ever.

That's not to say the movie is without flaws. Unlike Iron Man 2, you won't see Black Widow or Nick Fury showing up. There's no teaser either about new Marvel characters entering the movie universe. Everything is strictly Iron Man here. Even the after-credits teaser offers no insight. In addition, it can come off as a bit convoluted at times. But again, it doesn't force you to ignore the finer details like a Dark Knight Rises would.

Overall, nobody is going to put Iron Man 3 above Avengers. It's just not as epic. It can't be as epic by default. But if ever there was a template with which to effectively close out a trilogy, this would be it. This movie gets to the essence of who Iron Man is and doesn't try to do anything overly radical with it. It just takes some of the best elements that make Iron Man who he is and runs with it. For that, I give Iron Man 3 an emphatic 5 out of 4.5. It's a satisfying movie to complete a satisfying trilogy. It may not make you think Gweneth Paltrow is any less annoying, but it will make you love Robert Downy Jr. and it will make you love Iron Man. Now excuse me while I go give the finger to every other threequal that sucked. Nuff said!

Avengers Movie News: Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch Joining the Cast?

I know this isn't a site people go to for movie news. This is a site where people go to so they can see a semi-functioning drunk review comics. But every so often, some news comes along that I feel is worth reporting because it is either so big that it deserves to be reported on no matter how drunk I am or it's just so WTF that it must be brought up. This is the latter.

Spinoff: Quicksilver and Scarlett Witch Confirmed for Avengers 2

In case there was any doubt that writer/director Joss Whedon was referring to Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch last week when he teased there’s “a brother-sister act” in The Avengers 2, we now have confirmation.

According to Entertainment Weekly, an unnamed source states the twin children of Magneto will indeed join Earth’s Mightiest Heroes in Marvel’s 2015 sequel. When the question was posed to studio President Kevin Feige, he would only say, “I’m not confirming or denying. The draft could change six months from now.”

Of course, that does confirm Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch appear in Whedon’s first take on the script, which the writer acknowledged is “an evolution, and that goes on in editing,  it goes on all through shooting and it never stops. [...] You do come to a point where you all agree, OK … I’ve got these two characters — my two favorite characters from the comic book, a brother-sister act, they’re in the movie, that’s exciting — you lock certain things in. But then, there’s a certain fluidity …”

Judging by Whedon’s enthusiasm, it seems likely Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch will be among those things locked in throughout the development process.

While Fox owns the film rights to the X-Men franchise, Feige indicated in April 2012 that, presumably because of the characters’ long histories with the Avengers — they joined the team within a year of their introduction as X-Men villains — Marvel could use Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch as well.

“It’s a little complicated,” he said, “but if they [Fox] want to use them in the X-Men movie they could, [but] if we want to use them in The Avengers movie, we could.”

The Avengers 2 opens May 1, 2015.

Make no mistake. Avengers 2 has the capacity to set a standard of awesome that would make the universe shit itself. Marvel Studios has a wealth of characters and history to draw from, even with many characters belonging to other studios (fuck you, Fox and Sony). Yet they're risking multiple orgasms from lawyers by bringing in Quicksilver and the fucking Scarlett Witch? Two characters who for the past decade are best known for fucking things up with the Avengers rather than helping them? And then there's the incest. By Odin's divine shit, the fucking incest.

The image this panel burns in your mind will never go away. EVER.

How the fuck did someone wake up one day at Marvel studios and say, "Gee, you know what would be awesome? Putting two characters with incestuous tendencies and a knack for fucking up reality in our biggest franchise!" Anyone who said that should have either been fired or drug tested.

Now I have nothing against Quicksilver and the Scarlett Witch. I understand they have a history with the Avengers. But throwing them in a movie where lawyers make sure that the X-men (which Fox has the rights to) never dare touch Marvel's greedy hands just seems needlessly complicated when there are already a long list of Avengers characters to explore.

Is anyone out there really going to argue in a sober state of mind that Quicksilver and the Scarlett Witch are bigger names than Miss Marvel, Black Panther, Wasp, Ant Man, or She-Hulk? There is way too much fucking material for Marvel to work with on a movie this big so they have no fucking excuse. Now don't get me wrong. I am going to be among those waiting in line to see Avengers 2, but it won't be for Quicksilver and the Scarlett fucking Witch. If decades down the line Marvel has sodomized enough lawyers to get the X-men rights back from Fox, I would fully support a bigger crossover. But not like this. Nuff said!

Wolverine Trailer - Blood, Babes, and Ninjas

I have a love-hate relationship with the X-men movies and by that I mean I love it when I'm not reminded of how much I hated how these movies were butchered. Of all the comic book movies and yes, I'm including the Dolph Lungern Punisher and Nicholas Cage's Ghost Rider, I found the X-men movies to be the most disappointing. It's one thing to be underwhelmed by a movie. It's quite another to feel like you just had a quart of molten iron shoved up your ass. That's how I feel about the X-men movies.

And I'm not just talking about X3 and Wolverine "Who the fuck came up with Barakapool?" Origins. It's blasphemy among some fans, but I think Singer fucked the dead donkey with his approach to X1 and X2. His approach was basically fuck the comics. Just make use the characters and try to leech off the inherent awesome of Patrick Stewart and Hugh Jackman. As much as I love those two, that shit only goes so far in a movie. You actually have to have a fucking story and unless your Michael Bay, that story has to have some sort of meaning to it. The X-men movies didn't really have that. Wolverine just falls in love with some chick he knows for less than a few days, Nightcrawler completely fucking disappears after one movie, and Rogue proves that you can solve all your problems with drugs. Real fucking genuine, Singer! Maybe you should piss off Spider-Man fans by having Doc Ock take over Peter's body! Oh wait...bad example.

But like a guy who keeps waking up hung over at an S&M club in Amsterdam, I keep coming back for more. Matthew Vaughn's X-men First Class actually proved that an X-men movie can still work. It took a novel approach of actually telling a story that the comics never even bothered to tell until recently, namely the history of the friendship between Xavier and Magneto. It still had some pretty fucked up twists on certain characters, but it also had Emma Frost and a naked Mystique so that's a win in my book. Now Fox hopes to capture that same magic with The Wolverine.

Granted, the bar is NOT that high. You could just have two hours of Hugh Jackman taking a shit and eating a burger and it would still be better than fucking Barakapool. It's based on one of the best eras of Wolverine comics, namely the Chis Claremont and Frank Miller run in the 80s that had Wolverine in Japan. It's a defining story for Wolverine and one that has everything you could want in a movie. There's ninjas, hot chicks, and more violence than a drunk Chris Brown at a strip club. It also has Hugh fucking Jackman. This movie has no excuse not to be awesome and this trailer shows that if Fox fucks this up somehow, then they're beyond redemption. Nuff said!

Iron Man 3 Trailer (With Plenty of Backup)

We're getting close to that time of year again, my fellow fanboy! It's that time when the weather isn't trying to freeze your nuts off on a daily basis and the cocaine-fueled orgy that is Hollywood prepares to corrupt America's youth with more senseless entertainment. As one of those proud youths, I say corrupt away motherfucker!

It has become routine for the summer movie season to be ushered in by a big name comic book movie. Last year we had the Avengers and fuck, you can't get much bigger than that. This year we have the end of yet another comic book movie trilogy and hopefully it's less X3 and more Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

I'm talking about Iron Man 3, the first Marvel movie to take place after the events of the Avengers. We already know Tony Stark is more fucked up than his alcoholism can cope with. We've had plenty of time to digest the earlier previews that show shit blowing up and the Mandarin trying his best to make audiences forget that it's a white guy playing an Asian character. But today Marvel has released a more detailed trailer that offers some additional insight that can be best summed up in one word...backup!

Iron Man was the first Marvel movie to usher in the era of the Marvel movieverse. It set the tone for a long streak of awesome that would eventually culminate in Avengers. But Marvel says that shit was only Phase 1. This is Phase 2 bitches! And Phase II requires more than just one guy in an Iron Man suit for reasons that are too awesome for any trailer. While I'm not the most patient drunk in the world, I understand that awesome shit is worth waiting for. But still, May 3rd better hurry the fuck up and get here! Nuff said!

Amazing Spider-Man Movie Review: Unamazed and Underwhelming

I know this is later than Bristol Palin's last period. I know the Amazing Spider-Man movie came out a week ago and since then pretty much everybody, their brother, and their third cousin has reviewed or offered their input. I would have been among those, but this annoying shit called life got in the way. I won't say what it involved, but let's just say I wasn't in a position to make it to a movie theater last week and I may still have a bounty on my head in certain towns in Mexico. But I finally did manage to see it and since I have no other reviews this week, I figured I would at least let this horse finish the race.

Amazing Spider-Man was billed a fresh, juicy reboot. The first three Spider-Man movies with Tobey McGuire and Kirsten Dunst made more money than the gross national product of Cambodia and earned more than its share of praise. I personally enjoyed all three of them. Some were better than others, but they were all movies you could sit through completely sober and still come out feeling good. Rather than risk making a Superman IV, Sony and Columbia pictures decided to just start from scratch again. This upset some people, but I thought it was a good decision. There's no use drawing out a series until it starts rotting like a cheese sandwich left in a parked car in Phoenix, Arizona. I think Batman and Robin as well as the X-men movies have shown how horribly that shit can go bad. Instead, Amazing Spider-Man was going to be different by keeping Peter Parker young and in high school while swapping Mary Jane for Gwen Stacy. It's basically a redhead for a blonde. Hugh Hefner would call that a fair trade.

Who needs redheads anyways?

Unfortunately, rebooting the series also meant retelling Spider-Man's origin story, which is only slightly more well-known than the story of Jesus Christ. It also meant watching the same growing pains we saw in the first Spider-Man movie, albeit without Toby McGuire posing shirtless in front of the mirror. I guess Sony and Columbia decided they weren't going to win over the 50 Shades of Gray crowd with Andrew Garfield, but even if they did retell the origins story that doesn't mean the movie can't be good, right?

Well I'm sad to say that if all reboots were graded on a curve, Amazing Spider-Man would be that drooling, paste-eating kid in the classroom that set it. This movie wasn't awful. I didn't vomit uncontrollably like I did when I saw the third X-men movie. But this movie had so many facepalm moments that even I couldn't get drunk enough to enjoy it. They had the right actors. Andrew Garfield has a good presence on screen and Emma Stone is among one of the best rising stars that hasn't been busted for cocaine yet. Dennis Leary even took a break from fantasizing about every member of the New York Yankees suffering from explosive diarrhea to play Captain George Stacy. They just had a horrible script and a horribly disorganized plot.

Still not enough facepalms

The biggest problem had to do with Peter Parker's portrayal. In the comics, the first three movies, and pretty much every other major incarnation of Spider-Man, Peter Parker has been a scrawny geek who would be the last man alive to soak the panties of any of his female peers. Toby McGuire captured that persona well in the first Spider-Man movie. You really did believe that he was a nerd. Andrew Garfield never at any point sold that vital part of Peter Parker's character.

Instead, they opted to make Peter cooler. He didn't wear glasses. He wore contacts most of the time. He didn't walk around and run to catch up with buses that left him behind. He used a skateboard. And I can't remember the last time I met a science nerd who was into skateboarding. I met one girl in college who had the periodic table tattooed on her lower back as a tramp stamp. That's about it. Also, Peter was often bullied and made fun of in the comics. That happens here, but only because he tries to fight back against bullies. At one point he tries to stop Flash Thompson, Spider-Man's everyday douche-bag, when he's picking on someone else. So he was basically trying to play hero before he got his powers. That may be admirable, but that's a trait of Captain America and not Peter Parker.

Moreover, when Peter finally does get his powers, he comes off as the least likeable hero since the fucking Whizzer. A single spider bite not only gives him spider powers, but it teaches him how to fight. With no training whatsoever, he starts beating up assholes on a subway. At least in the previous movie, Peter got some experience as a wrestler. He doesn't get any of that shit here. Suddenly, he's so incredibly competent in his abilities to fight, you almost can't root for him because it's an insult to every hero and villain that ever put themselves through hell so they could learn to kick ass.

Real heroics takes years of training and a multi-billion dollar trust fund.

In addition to Peter's skills being completely contrived, his interactions with Gwen Stacy were pitiful. I'm not saying the dialog between him and Mary Jane in the first three Spider-Man movies was fucking Shakespeare, but at least it was coherent. Here's how their dialog went.

Peter: So um you want to...

Gwen: Want to?

Peter: You know how...

Gwen: Yeah...I mean, sure.

Peter: So we can...

Gwen: Why not?

Gwen and Peter's conversations were so jumbled and retarded that I know kindergarteners that are more intelligible. Fuck, the Hulk was more intelligible in both his movies. Every time they were on screen together, I had to take a shot of bourbon that I sneaked into the theater (I can't be the only one that does that) so that my ears wouldn't start bleeding. Even at his most awkward in the comics, Peter is at least articulate when he's not making wise-cracks. He's supposed to be smart. He sounds fucking brain damaged in every moment with Gwen.

Yet for reasons that make less sense than quantum mechanics, Gwen falls for him. There's really no reason or chemistry between them. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why the fuck she would be into him. Even after he revealed that was Spider-Man (at this point, fuck spoiler warnings), her reaction and demeanor was pretty much the same. In the comics Gwen and Peter had chemistry because Gwen was a sweet girl who saw through his nerdy exterior. If you didn't now anything about their history, you would be confused as to why she would be into him. He didn't save her life like he did with Mary Jane in the first movie (at first). He didn't try to impress her all that much. She just fell into his lap. Unless you've got a $100 bucks hanging out of your zipper at a strip club, that shit doesn't happen.

There's nothing you can say or do that won't make me want to jump your bone.

Aside from bad characterization and equally bad jokes about PMS, the overall flow of this movie looks like it was organized by a fucking drunk with carpel tunnel syndrome. The whole movie was ridiculously choppy. It would go from scene to scene in such a chaotic way that you can actually tell that there was more that was chopped out to keep the movie from being longer than the last Lord of the Rings movies. I normally don't notice that shit in a movie because most movies are coherent enough to at least make it looks like they're not cut together with scotch-tape. But this one was so painfully apparent that no amount of alcohol could mask it.

Now I know I'm ranting a bit here, but that's not to say that this movie didn't have it's moments. It had a lot of solid premises that had a great deal of potential. This movie actually utilized the complicated history of Peter Parker's parents, which definitely added some family elements that weren't shown in previous movies. It also had a great villain in the Lizard. If there was one highlight, it was definitely the journey of Curt Conners as he became the big menace that Peter had to deal with. But good ideas are only as good as the way in which they're portrayed and they were portrayed horribly here. I can't overlook that nor drink enough to make me forget.

Amazing Spider-Man may have not been awful, but given the benchmark the other three movies set it was painfully underwhelming. Sony and Columbia had a clean slate here and they essentially cobbled together a bunch of Spider-Man associated imagery and packaged it as a movie without giving much thought to the actual story. I doubt they give three licks of a Lion's scrotum because this movie is going to make them a fuckton of money no matter what critics say. However, the tag-line of this movie (which was never even said out loud mind you) is that with great power comes great responsibility. The folks that made this movie had the power to do this story we all know and love justice and they were just flat out irresponsible. They may be able to sleep in a pile of money while supermodels suck their dicks, but they're no better than the Lizard in this movie. That's why I give this movie a 2 out of 5. It's not Batman and Robin, but it's by far the weakest comic book movie I've seen since Green Lantern.

There's still hope for this series. This movie wasn't so bad that I would not give the sequel a chance. But it needs to go through some major fucking improvements to make up for this shit. There's a lot of story to tell with Spider-Man. They got the reboot out of the way and now they need take it 10 steps further. There are any number of ways they could make this awesome. Given how badly this turned out, they have the responsibility to use as many of those ways as possible for the sequels.

When in doubt, add another hot chick.

Captain America - Patriotic Awesome

It's been a damn good year for Marvel's movie division. As I blogged earlier this year, Thor was a godly orgy of awesome complete with Natalie Portman's ass to make it all the more sweet. This movie, like Iron Man before it, is assembling a massive load of C4 caliber awesome to help build up the impending nuclear blast of pants-shitting awesome that is the Avengers movie. But like any self-respecting Marvel fan knows, you can't have the Avengers without Captain America. That's where Marvel's Captain America: The First Avenger movie comes in.

Now this movie wasn't without controversy and some of it was fairly warranted. The man who got the role of Steve Rogers, Chris Evans, is no stranger to Marvel movies. He also played Johnny Storm in the two maligned Fantastic Four movies, two movies that despite solid visuals had about as much depth as a two-year-old's fingerpainting. I've yet to see both movies fully sober and Chris Evan's flat performance was only the 5th thing wrong with that movie. But unlike some fans, I believe in second chances so I gave Chris Evans the benefit of the doubt with Captain America.

The movie starts out in the present with a scene all Cap fans should be familiar with. SHIELD, having too much free time and money on their hands, search an arctic wasteland for ruins of something deemed more precious than gold or the Grateful Dead's secret stash. They end up finding Captain America encased in ice and from here, we go from the present to the past. This is where most of the movie takes place, but it's not just one big flashback. If anything, the present is the prelude. The real meat of the story takes place in the 1940s where Steve Rogers is a sickly kid from Brooklyn and everyone else is busy shitting their pants over the prospect of Nazis taking over the world.

In these early parts of the movie, we don't get straight into the action. We actually get a glimpse into the kind of man that Steve Rogers really is. He's not some tragic figure who pisses and moans about everything. He's a guy who God slacked off on when crafting his body, but he doesn't let that stop him. He's willing to pick fights with guys who can kick his ass and he's willing to lie in order to get into the army to go fight the Nazis. He's basically the anti-George W. Bush.

One of the most powerful scenes in this area is when Professor Erskin, the man behind the super soldier formula, does a quick test to find his first specimen. He takes a grenade and throws it into a crowd of recruits. It's a bit of a dick move, but it makes a point. While all the other macho men tighten their assholes and adjust their panties, the sickly and weak Steve Rogers dives right on top of the grenade. I don't care who you are, but that shit takes balls and it proves more than anything that Steve Rogers is the man for the job.

So Steve gets his shot at the Super Soldier serum. And low and behold, it works. He becomes the strong, tough guy that used to beat the shit out of him. Except he doesn't let it go to his head. He uses his skills to chase after the goons from Hydra, who have secretly become the kind of force that Hitler could only have jerked off to in his sleep. They succeed in killing Professor Erskin, which pretty much puts Captain America on a collision course with these assholes that would dominate the rest of the movie.

At first, he doesn't get his shot. Rather than send him into the field to kick ass against the Nazis, the politician of the 40s show they're as shameless as the politicians of today. They send Cap on a PR campaign to beef up support for the war. They dress him up in what looks like the Captain America costume my old roommate wore to a Halloween party, which he later pissed in when he got drunk. But that's another story. Naturally, Steve Rogers doesn't care for this shit so when nobody is willing to throw him into the field, he throws himself into the field. With balls as tough as adamantium, he single-handedly frees over 400 prisoners from Hydra including his old buddy Bucky Barnes. This finally gets the point across. He's not a showman. He's a soldier and he's ready to kick some ass.

His chief opponent is the Red Skull, who throughout the movie is working to tap a power that if you stayed after the credits for the Thor movie you will recognize. Somehow, this guy got his hands on the fucking cosmic cube and is preparing to use it to sodomize the world on a level not seen since boy bands hit it big in the late 90s. There isn't much depth to the guy. He sees himself as a demigod, drunk with power. He doesn't get the same treatment that Steve Rogers gets in that we never find out what makes him tick. That's a bit of a shame because there's no denying that the son-of-a-bitch is motivated. He makes it a point to beat the shit out of Captain America any chance he gets. This is what leads to the big climax of the movie when Cap has to stop the Red Skull from bombing the entire eastern seaboard of the US with cosmic cube powered bombs.

It makes for a heroic finale, but the best parts happen when the credits stop rolling! Like with Thor and Iron Man, we get some extra scenes. However, this time it's a lot more than just a teaser. It's a full blown trailer for the Avengers movie! If you see this trailer and your brain is still intact, you're either comatose or dead! THAT'S how awesome it is.

So what can I say about Captain America overall? Well for one thing, it made me feel patriotic again. After a decade of George W. Bush, my love for America was ranked at about the same place as my love for my back scratcher. America doesn't give us a lot of reasons to love her these days, but Captain America epitomizes what makes America awesome. Chris Evans fully redeems himself from Fantastic Four. He depicts both the hero and the man with Steve Rogers. He leads a story that's full of action, personal drama, and depth. Moreover, the details in this movie closely connect with the other Marvel movies. Howard Stark shows up as does the cosmic cube and references to Norse mythology. It's a beautifully coherent and beautifully crafted story that sets the stage for the Avengers movie. For that, I can only say that Captain America accomplishes everything it set out to accomplish. For that, I give it a 5 out of 5. It's not quite as good as Thor, but it's within spitting distance! If you want to see the next step to the Avengers movie and get a sneak peak while you're at it, you owe it to yourself to see this movie! If you start agonizing over the prospect of waiting until next summer to see Avengers, then don't worry. That's to be expected! Nuff said.

Thor Movie Review - Awesome Worthy of Gods

The summer of 2011 has arrived and you know what that means! The women start wearing less, men start to stink more, and Hollywood unleashes an all our barrage of their biggest films. It's the time of year where all the big studios are like crack whore going through relapse and the only way to survive is to try and bilk movie-goers of every possible red scent. It's a time when us mindless consumers of pop culture enjoy an abundance of action, drama, boobs, explosions, bloodshed, monsters, comedy, and gimmicks and that's just from Adam Sandler movies. To kick things off this summer, Marvel kicks things off with a wad of C4 to ass with Thor. Since Marvel actually started making their own shit under Marvel Studios and not licensing it to asshole third parties like Fox, they've been hitting grand slams that have left comic fans more satisfied than a hippie at a hemp factory.

Last Summer they had Iron Man II. This movie took the star power of Robert Downy Jr., Mickey Rourke, and Scarlett Johannsen to deliver a satisfying if not somewhat predictable thriller. The predictability and gimmick aspects were countered by the overlying continuity the Marvel movies have established. That's what has set them apart from the other superhero movies of the past. These stories are all tied together and will culminate in a cocaine fueled gangbang of awesome, otherwise known as the Avengers movie. Thor is just the next step and it's a big step towards kicking more ass.

Like the Iron Man and Incredible Hulk movies before it, the Thor movie is set up so that the audience doesn't have to know dick about the comics in order to understand what's going on. It takes a similar formula from Iron Man II in that it uses some big name actors like Anthony Hopkins as Odin and Natalie Portman as Jane Foster. Because Hollywood has since realized that any movie with Natalie Portman is sure to attract any young man with a functional penis. There's even something for the Twilight crowd in Chris Helmsworth, who has a tendency to walk around with his shirt off. There are some scenes where all the Bella Swan wannabes out there will need to change their panties. But between the bonerific actresses and studly men, there is a story to be told.

The Thor movie does have the expected and somewhat eye-rolling origins angle. But you can't really roll your eyes this time because the visuals of Asgard, Earth, and all the vivid scenery that were once only depicted in comic books flashes across the screen (and in 3D if you're not a cheap bastard). It's far more stunning than anything in Iron Man or Hulk. The architecture of Asgard and the realm of the Frost Giants is so wonderfully rendered it feels like a comic book pumped with whatever shit Barry Bonds was on.

If you're able to stop drooling over the visuals, the story hits the ground running by showing what an arrogant daddy's boy Thor is. He's not unlike Tony Stark in the first Iron Man movie, over-privileged and an overbearing dick. On the day he's supposed to be crowned king, a couple of sneaky Frost Giants manage to infiltrate the palace. Thor, pissed off that his coronation has been delayed, wants to silence the Frost Giants once and for all even if it means breaking that treaty that Odin lost his damn eye to forge. He manages to convince Volstagg, Hogun, Fandrall, Sif, and Loki to join him on a Bruce Willis style mission. To say it screwed the pooch would be like saying Word War II was a pillow fight. It leads to an action-packed fight, but Odin has to be the one to step in and he's understandably pissed.

As a result of his pig-headedness and douche-baggery, Odin strips Thor of his godly powers and casts him down to Earth. He also casts down his hammer, Mjolnir, but makes sure that nobody can lift it unless they are worthy. And for breaking a treaty, disobeying his father, and being a self-important jackass it's pretty obvious even to an inanimate object that Thor isn't worthy.

From here, Thor crosses paths with Jane Foster. In this movie she's an astrophysicists as opposed to an EMT in the comics. Now this seems a little off because I've met astrophysicists before. I've yet to meet any of them who looked anything close to Natalie Portman. I understand that this is a movie, but even the guys at Marvel probably understand that it's hard to make an astrophysicists super-hot without triggering a few bullshit detectors. But she's Natalie Portman. She won a fucking Oscar for crying out loud. She still fills the role, albeit in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way.

Foster and Thor hit it off immediately. However, Thor goes through some growing pains in terms of being a mortal. He seems to believe that all he has to do is go find his hammer and he can go home. He's willing to blow through SHIELD, giving our old friend Agent Colson from Iron Man I and II a few headaches. We even get to see Hawkeye for the first time. Granted, he's not given much facetime. This is Thor's movie after all, but it's nice to see a few other Avengers that Joss Whedon will put his golden touch on when the time comes. Even with his trusty bow and arrow, Thor still makes it to his hammer only to find out that he can't life it. He's not worthy yet. It's a very humbling experience and one that leaves him more frustrated than all the X-men fans who saw X3.

While Thor is being humbled, we also get another story surrounding Loki. There's a reason he's the God of Mischief. He's the kind of guy who will fuck with you in no fewer than ten different ways and even when it's painfully obvious that he's full of shit, he'll find ten more ways to keep the mischief going. That's what makes him a god. Without getting into too many details, his mischief is tied into every major mishap within this movie. However, what's really remarkable about it is Loki doesn't come off as a completely manipulative douche-bag. What he did was a simple trick that turned into something that even he didn't expect. When a few painful secrets come to light, you almost feel for the guy. It doesn't make trying to crown himself the new All-Father any less a dick move, but everything he does has a purpose behind it and it's not just to blow shit up (although that is a big part of it towards the end).

Loki's mischief eventually leads to an epic confrontation with Thor that goes from the deserts of New Mexico to the rainbow bridge of Asgard. There's action and heart every step of the way. Jane Foster, who seems so utterly obsessed with crunching the numbers when she isn't hitting Thor with her car, learns that there's some magic to the universe. It can't all have fancy names that guys like Albert Einstein can rub in everyone's face. There's something deeper and some of that extends to her attraction to Thor. And let's face it, the guy is a heavily muscled god. Any woman with a partial interest in men would find that attractive to the point of needing to change her panties again.

Overall, it's the most satisfying Thor experience you can get without having Odin himself cram it in your head. There's a perfect balance of the fantasy world of Asgard and the real yet less awe-inspiring world of Earth. You've got it all. Hot women, hot men, action, drama, romance, magic, technology, killer robots, plot twists, and mystery. If that's not enough for you, then you're just being an ass. It's a superhero movie. Don't expect it to read like some artsy foreign film. It's over-the-top, yet wonderfully balanced fun. Plus, it's in 3D! There really is something for everyone to enjoy. You couldn't ask for more if it came with a free joint with every ticket.

Oh, and you'll definitely want to stay till after the credits! Just like with Iron Man I and II, there's an extra scene featuring our old friend Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury. It's yet another link to the upcoming Avengers movie that is poised to blow the minds of the next ten generations of comic fans. This comes in addition to the other hints that will likely come with the Captain America movie, which is set to come out later this summer.

Even as the first big blockbuster of the summer, Thor sets the bar ridiculously high. It does so much and does it so well that it's hard to imagine another movie short of Avengers ever topping it. I can safely say without a speck of bullshit that Thor is the best movie that Marvel has ever made. It's better than Iron Man or Hulk. I would put it right up there with the Spider-Man and Batman movies s well. Thor may not be a superhero that shows up on lunch boxes and T-shirts the same way as Spider-Man, Hulk, or Wolverine. But this movie demonstrates why he's one of Marvel's heaviest hitters both literally, figuratively, and everything in between. That's why I give it a perfect 5 out of 5. If you are a comic fan of any type or just a fan of big blockbuster movies, you should get off your ass and see this movie! Nuff said.

X-men First Class Trailer - Just Because

I know I've been among the most cynical when it comes to X-men movies. My eyes still haven't recovered from the cocaine fueled gang-rape that was X3. I've been completely repulsed by the every concept of an X-men movie ever since. But seeing as how people still go to see them, Marvel and Fox are naturally going to keep making them. Now a while back I went on a long rant over the news that X-men First Class wouldn't actually contain the First Class. Maybe I'm weird, but when you call something X-men First Class why not actually follow it? There's a term for calling a movie a name just to evoke a certain response. That term is being a dick.

Whatever the bullshit surrounding the premise of a movie titled X-men First Class, Marvel and Fox are actually going through with it. They have to. They need to keep making X-men movies or they lose the rights. That means they don't have to worry about quality. So long as people see them it doesn't mean shit. That's Hollywood for you. But rather than go on another rant, I'll leave it up to the viewers to decide. If you can watch the X-men First Class trailer without being reminded of the horrors of X3, I envy you.

Official: Jon Favreau Drops Out of Iron Man 3

I know it's been a while since I posted movie news of any kind. It's not like there's nude oil wrestling going on in the comic movie department. It's all been standard. Marvel Studios is doing well, the stage is set for the Avengers movie, and the cast and supporting films are coming together. Then yesterday someone dropped a bomb that will make some fans shit their pants. Jon Favreau, the guy who brought Iron Man to life on the big screen in a way that was fifteen different kinds of awesome, has dropped out of directing Iron Man 3.

CBR: CONFIRMED - Jon Favreau Passes on Iron Man 3

This is big news because many comic fans have been down this road before. A director comes on board and brings an iconic comic series to life in an awesome way. The first two movies are epic, wetting the appetites of all those who seek comic book awesome. Then when the time comes around to commit to a third movie, the director pulls out faster than a high school football star from an under-aged cheerleader when her homicidal dad starts banging on the bedroom door. The result is a third movie that isn't just sub-par. It sucks elephant balls and gargles rhinoceros jizz.

Case and point, the movie that dare not speak it's name to X-men fans (X3). Bryan Singer was so generous. He gave us two fantastic movies that brought the X-men to life in a new way. Then he jumps ship on X3 so he can make a shitty Superman movie that turns the world's most iconic hero into a deadbeat dad. And we're left with Brett fucking Ratner, a guy about as qualified to do a comic book movie as he is fly the space shuttle. The result was a movie that pissed off comic fans so much that effigies of Ratner are still being burned. His name is now so tainted that if he comes within 50 feet of an X-men property comic fans are legally entitled to throw rocks at his balls. This guy destroyed the X-men series. The films that followed X3 have declined in quality faster than a Tuna sandwich kept near a radiator in the basement. So what's that say about Iron Man 3?

It's been a long standing rule since the Godfather trilogy. When the first two movies are good, chances are the third will be terrible. There are very few exceptions and usually the chances are better when the same director stays aboard. Spider-Man 3 wasn't a masterpiece, but it sucked way less compared to X3. Now Iron Man has a tough mountain to climb. History is working against it. Fate is not on the side of awesome. It will take some time to see how it comes together, but comic fans everywhere have reason to worry. Nuff said.

Iron Man 2 Review - Solid Awesome

Well I went to a late night showing of Iron Man 2 amidst a crowded theater and a line that stretched out the doors. But this was one of those movie events you just have to see because it radiates awesome on so many levels. Now it's a common theme for movie sequels to be a big deal, especially ones coming off the heels of a first movie that was so successful. Many times they can fizzle out, coming off as so contrived it feels like the producers just took some bums off the street, gave them a case of tequila laced with LSD, and had them hammer out a plot that the studio could slap together with some flashy gimmicks to make more money. Iron Man 2 doesn't have that problem. It feels like someone put more work into it than your standard sequel. It was going to make money no matter how good it was, but it's comforting when it's good enough to warrant this title as an awesome successor.

Iron Man 2 picks up about six months from where the first movie left off. In that time Tony Stark has revealed to the world that he is Iron Man and since then, he's been using his suit to trot around the world blowing shit up and making peace with an iron fist. Most people know this line from the previews.

"I have successfully privatized world peace."

That's not an bullshit statement. He's effectively cut out the middle man when it comes to peace making, namely the government. As such, he's got no bureaucrats up his ass telling him where and when he can kick ass. Of course, the government doesn't like that. Congress led by Senator Gary Shandling accuse him of making them look bad (as if that's hard for anyone who has ever had to go to the DMV) and demands he give the Iron Man suit to the military. Of course he says no and this opens up one of the major themes to the movies.

From the beginning Robert Downy Jr. plays up all of Tony Stark's charming personality and by charming that also implies his douchebag tenancies. He really gives a sense that Tony Stark may not be privatizing peace just because it's the right thing to do. It often comes off as an ego trip, a guy trying to carve a legacy for himself because he didn't like the one he had in the last movie. It does come off as selfish and altruistic at the same time and few actors could pull that kind of thing off. Downy does it as easily as a line of cocaine and it makes for great movie magic.

Downy's brilliance is well complimented by the awesome sexiness that is Scarlett Johansson. She takes on the role of a "Legal Assistant" who helps Tony in transferring the role of CEO to Pepper Pots. Of course, she's too hot for that shit. She's really a badass secret agent named Natasha Romanov, aka the Black Widow, working for Nick Fury (played by the super cool Sam Jackson) and SHIELD. Her job, other than looking hot, seems to be tempting Tony Stark's piss poor will-power and giving him some lousy advice about what to do if he's dying. She also analyzes him for his potential role in the Avengers initiative (hinting at yet another movie down the road), which is less than stellar. She eventually joins in the ass-kicking, looking super skilled and super hot in the process. Some of the things she can do with her legs are deadly, but seriously you might just envy the men who died like that because what better place to leave this world than between Scarlet Johansson's thighs? Not a bad way to go out.

This is also where Ivan Danko, aka Whiplash, comes in. Ivan, who is wonderfully portrayed by Mickey Rourke, sees through Tony's charm. He's one of those villains who naive viewers think he's just an asshole looking to make trouble, but if you watch for more than two seconds you'll see there's some truth behind the madness. Danko has the resources to prove his point. His father worked for Tony's father, Howard Stark, and was essentially shafted. He was like a stray dog someone would bring into their home because he looked lost and abused, but the second he took a shit on the rug they kicked him to the curb. The general idea here is that dog had a puppy and it grew up to be a vicious little mutt that went back to bite the previous owner in the balls. That vicious mutt is Danko.

He showed everybody that Iron Man isn't invincible and made his own suit using technology left to him by his father. He ended up using it quite well at that, taking on Tony and messing him up in broad daylight in front of a global audience. It was the superhero equivalent of pulling down his pants and showing the world he had hemorrhoids. From here, Danko gets the attention of Justin Hammer, the other big villain of the movie who Tony Stark has gone out of his way to discredit and humiliate as an incompetent, dim-witted competitor in the world of weapons manufacturing. He's such a jackass to this guy you almost want him to get Danko's help because nobody deserves that kind of lampooning, even if they are a rich bastard.

While Hammer and Danko start working together, Stark is going down a path of self-destruction that Keith Richards himself might step back from. In the last movie his love of decadence was well-demonstrated, but it's different this time around. This time, Tony is suffering from blood toxicity caused by the chest plate that's keeping him alive. So he doesn't believe he's going to be alive much longer. What's the most logical thing to do in that respect? What else? Get pissed faced drunk, throw a party, destroy your house, and completely alienate your friends in the process. This is where the guy who always defends him, James Rhodes, basically strikes out and takes one of Tony's suits to the military where they make it into War Machine.

It all comes to ahead at the end when Danko once again makes Hammer look like an incompetent tool, hijacking his new Iron Man knock-offs and attacking Stark's expo. It makes for some great explosions, some kick-ass fighting, and general over-the-top action that one would expect from a film taken from the annuls of Marvel Comics.

So what does the final product come to? Well it definitely rides the tidal wave of hype and manages not to fizzle out, so there's that. But compared to the first film, there wasn't much of an improvement. In fact, in some ways it felt a lot more disjointed. The action, dialogue, and plot didn't flow nearly as well or as naturally as it did in the first movie. At times the cinematography reads like it was edited by a 15-year-old crack addict with carpel tunnel syndrome. The dialogue was also pretty off at times. It sounded nowhere near as conversational as the last movie or most movies for that matter. When the characters talked, it sounded like they were reading it from a teleprompter and not trying to add a personal touch. I get that this is a movie of big explosions and pretty technology, but that alone an awesome movie does not make.

Then there were the little things. Gwenth Paltrow's portrayal of Pepper Pots didn't change much from the last movie and that in and of itself isn't a bad thing, but you expect a wee bit more progress in the character than this. She sounded downright whiny and bitchy at times, like a spoiled rich girl complaining that her daddy was having fun without her. Granted, she still had great chemistry with Downy, but she lacked the maturity she had in the first movie. Mickey Rourke's performance was solid too, but at times his character came off as flat. When he spoke, it didn't have much personality behind it. He sounded as though he was overacting at times, like he was not really into the character and trying too hard to be like the comic book. There's a limit to that because his lines were limited and when he did speak, it was short and contrived. You get the sense there was depth to Danko's character, but Rouke never got to flesh it out. Now while Scarlet Johansson's portrayal of Black Widow was sheer hotness, it takes more than boner-inducing looks to pull off a character. She came off as flat as Rouke at times. Plus, she didn't even have an accent! How can you do Black Widow and not have that distinct Russian accent? Rouke made it work well. Why couldn't Johansson?

Take all these peeves, throw them into a blender with the rest of the movie, mix it all up, and you'll get something you won't chug every day like chocolate milkshake laced with crack. But you'll get something that's bearable and tasteful, enough to make you glad you indulged and enough to make you want to indulge again. But it's nowhere near the sheer ecstasy of other kick-ass sequels like The Dark Night, X2, or Spider-Man 2. It is still awesome in it's own light. It stands on it's own as a worthy successor to the first Iron Man. And wouldn't you know it? There was one last scene after the credits that hinted at the next big Marvel movie. I'll give you a hint. It involves a guy with a hammer who talks like he's spent one day too many at a Renaissance fair. Nuff said.

So what's the final verdict? For all it's faults and successes, Iron Man 2 gets a 3.5 out of 5. It has plenty of charm, but not the revolutionary imagining that the first one did. It keeps the appetite hungry for more, building further to the eventual Avengers movie set to come out in a few years. There's a lot to love and it's perfectly acceptable to say that Iron Man 2 is kick-ass awesome and one of the best movies of the year so far.

Spider-Man 4 - RIP

It's official. Yesterday Sony Pictures announced the fourth installment of the Spider-Man franchise is no more. Both Sam Raimi and Toby Maguire have walked out and the studio has instead decided to reboot the series. We pause briefly to allow Spidey Nation to mourn as it seemed a fourth movie was well on it's way. The third movie, despite not being as praised as the first two, left the door open and now it has been shut forever. It's a sad day, but also a day of confusion.

CBR: Spider-Man 4 No More

It has been no secret that the Spider-Man movie has been struggling lately. Reports have been coming out about delays and disagreements over what direction the series would take. Most notably, there were reports that Sam Raimi wanted to use Vulture (rumored to be played by John Malkovich) in the last movie, but was rebuked. Now after being rebuked again, he's walking out and taking the continuity of the movie with him. What's more surprising is that there were few indications it had gotten this bad. While the creative disagreements were well known, nobody imagined they were to the point where the movie would be halted. It has comes as quite a shock, but now it appears we'll have a reboot to look forward to.

It seems ironic because the Spider-Man movies have been the one franchise that are least in need of a reboot. Compared to the other series like X-men, Hulk, and Superman this movie has been consistent quality across the board. It hasn't had a "Batman Forever" flop and it hasn't evoked the same kind of fan rage as "X-men 3: The Last Stand." Spider-Man had what none of the other franchises really had. They had a stable acting cast, a stable director who had the trust of the fans, and a consistent story that was true to the comics yet still fresh. That kind of consistency is not easy to build and even harder to maintain.

With a reboot, it's tantamount to trying to capture lightning twice. It's a long shot. It took years to get a fresh start with the Batman franchise and fans are still waiting for Superman to get a reboot. The X-men movies are in far greater need of a reboot than Spider-Man. While the first two did well, the third X-men movie was almost universally panned by fans and is still the butt of many jokes among comic readers. Yet they still saw fit to continue the series with Wolverine Origins, which also didn't live up to the hype and was not well-received despite doing okay at the box office (even if movies like The Blind Side did better). Now more prequels are in the mix like First Class and Deadpool, all of which are working within a continuity that not many like because the ending is already known with X3. A reboot would inject fresh life into a struggling series. Yet instead, a series that isn't struggling as much is getting a reboot. How's that for irony?

Either way, Spider-Man movies are officially a concern. How are they going to reboot the series without re-telling the story? How are they going to make it feel like a movie we haven't seen before? How are they going to capture the magic that the first movie captured? It's not going to be easy. Only time will tell.