CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR - Official Trailer #1 (2016) Marvel Superhero...

Let's face it, Disney owns our ass. They have Star Wars. They have Marvel. They have Frozen. They might as well buy their own mint at this point. Well, like a rich douche on Instagram, they insist on flaunting how much they own us every chance they get. Enter the first official trailer for Captain America: Civil War.

It's a movie that's not nearly as hyped as Age of Ultron and maybe that's a good thing. Besides, why does Disney need hype at this point? They have a fucking Star Wars movie coming out in a month. I think they're worried about frying our brains with pure awesome at this point. Having fried my brain enough by sitting through shitty Batman movies in the 90s, I'm okay with letting some hype build for this one.


Will this movie be as big as the original Avengers movie? Probably not. Will it top Star Wars? Definitely not. Will it still be awesome? After seeing this trailer, I'm going to go off on a limb and say fuck yes!

Marvel's Avengers: Age of Ultron - Trailer 3

At this point, I don't think I need to say jack shit about Avengers 2: Age of Ultron. It comes out on May 1st and that day is taking way too fucking long to get here. But Marvel released another trailer today. It revealed more juicy bits that should make fans everywhere squee. And I'm pretty sure Disney's accountants will be squeeing the most when all is said and done. Now sequels can be hit or miss. For every Dark Knight there are more Matrix Reloadeds. But that's not going to stop this movie from being the bigger than my dick at the Playboy Mansion. Enjoy!



Am I just really fucking high or was that the Soul Gem in Vision's head at the end? I'm just going to say I'm high and see for myself when the movie comes out. Nuff said!

Captain America: The Winter Soldier Review - All American Awesome

Let's not lie to ourselves, people. America just isn't as popular as it used to be. The days of the all-American patriot has been replaced by a shitty Congress, two failed wars, Fox News, and reality TV shows. Mention America in some parts of the world and often the response will be along the lines of, "America? You mean that crazy country that contains five percent of the population, consumes 25 percent of the resources, and elected George W. Bush twice?" It's just way too easy to be overly cynical. Whenever someone claims to be all American these days, it's only a matter of time before that person starts with the gay-bashing, xenophobic, holier-than-thou bullshit. But there is still one American icon who can say he's an all-American hero without sounding like a douche-bag. And his name is Captain fucking America.

Feeling patriotic yet?

This is just one of the many reasons I was more excited for Captain America: The Winter Soldier than I was for any other comic book movie since Avengers. I've got nothing against Iron Man or Thor. They're awesome in their own right. But one of them is a womanizing drunk and the other one is a cocky demigod who gets to soak Natalie Portman's panties. That doesn't really make me feel patriotic. That just makes me feel inadequate. But Captain America is more than just a pretty boy. He embodies the most awesome qualities about America. The shit that gets Glenn Beck and Lou Dobbs horny are all perfectly conveyed in Steve Rogers, minus the gay-bashing and racism. The ideals of America may be more corny than a re-run of Leave It To Beaver. Truth, justice, law, and freedom seem like good talking points or the title of a Country music album. But Steve Rogers doesn't just believe in this shit. He actually fights for it. And he fights in some pretty badass ways.

Now the first Captain America movie had a pretty basic fight. All those beautiful American ideals were under attack by the Red Skull, Hydra, and the Nazis. It's impossible to get more anti-American than this without taking a shit in an apple pie. That movie did a great job of showing why Steve Rogers embodies everything that's awesome about America. Plus, he beat the shit out of Nazis. It's hard for a movie to be awesome that doesn't involve beating the shit out of Nazis. But the enemy in Captain America: The Winter Soldier isn't as clear cut. And even though it says Winter Soldier in the title, he's not the villain here. This whole movie is basically built around making Captain America fight for all the ideals of America, even if it means getting his ass kicked. It's a different kind of movie and a different kind of threat. But the way it's presented is every bit as awesome.

Feeling patriotic now?

I'll start off by just coming out and saying it. Captain America: The Winter Soldier is fucking awesome. Of all the Phase 2 Marvel movies that have hit the theaters, this is the best. However, it's not better by much. Anyone who enjoyed Iron Man 3 and Thor: The Dark World will probably enjoy this movie for the same reasons. But what sets Captain America: The Winter Soldier apart is the bigger picture. Iron Man 3 and Thor: The Dark World only had a limited impact. They affected mostly the characters around them. What happened in those movies isn't really felt by the larger Marvel MCU. But what happens in Captain America: The Winter Soldier is something that will be felt by damn near everyone that isn't in outer fucking space. And maybe that's why the next movie in Phase 2 is Guardians of the Galaxy. Without reading from the whole damn script, what happens in this movie basically undermines everything Captain America, SHIELD, Nick Fury, and the Avengers have done to protect the world. It's like being the only Giants fan in cage with 100 deranged Eagles fans tripping balls on meth.

Despite what the title says, the big enemy here isn't the Winter Soldier. In fact, he might as well be one of Kanye West's pit bulls. He's really nothing more than muscle. Granted, he's a badass, tough, ass-kicking muscle that gives Cap a fight every bit as tough as the Red Skull. But it's the assholes pulling his strings that are the real bastards. And in a revelation that shouldn't count as a spoiler to anyone who knows anything about Marvel comics in any capacity, Hydra is the one who tied those strings. That whole "cut off one head and two more take its place" isn't just a long-winded battle cry. It actually still applies here. But they've actually stepped up their game compared to the first Captain America movie. They're now working smarter and not harder. And that's where the big theme for Captain America: The Winter Soldier comes in.

Still not as evil as Nazis.

Captain America came from an era where the line between good and evil was very clear. America is good. Nazis are evil. It's so simple that it could be explained with a beer and cockroach. A lot of Cap's morals and ideals were forged in the World War II era. But in The Winter Solder, he's in a very different era with very different threats. The line between good and evil is really blurry. One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter. And as we saw in Iron Man 3, it's way too fucking easy to manipulate people into following some deranged sociopath who might just be a drunk. Hydra takes full advantage of this. It's even stated outright. When they try to take someone's freedom away, they fight back. So it's just much easier to convince them to give that freedom up. That saves them the trouble of building big ass war planes and bombing the shit out of major cities. It's probably not as fun and way more tedious, but it fucking works.

It may sound pretty fucked up, but is it really? We live in an era where basic human rights like privacy, freedom of association, and shooting a gun at an empty beer can for shits and giggles are being pissed on every day. Ask any minority who has ever been caught smoking weed how much their freedoms are valued. They'll probably tell America to fuck off and even Captain America couldn't blame them. He basically sees how SHIELD is now starting to operate in ways that the NSA only wishes they could operate. They're trying to basically create weapons so effective that they can kill anybody they want who just might be a threat. Never mind this bullshit about habeus corpus, getting a warrant, or innocent until proven guilty. After Loki launches an alien invasion, that's reason enough to shit all over the constitution. Some might call that an overreaction. I just call that too many people shitting themselves in terror at once.

At times, it seems SHIELD is the enemy. But SHIELD is not the enemy here. Hydra is the enemy. They're just an enemy that's a lot tougher to fight. That's why most of the action in The Winter Soldier involves running, sneaking, and general spy shit. It doesn't have the same class as James Bond and it shouldn't. Steve Rogers isn't some womanizing, smart-mouth drunk in a fancy suit. He's Captain fucking America. Even a few flirtations with Black Widow can't keep him from his mission to stop Hydra and save the ideal that is America. Let me say that again. Even flirtations from Scarlett Johannsen in a Black Widow costume can't distract this guy from his mission.

Suck it, James Bond!

Now this may be disappointing to some. In the first Captain America movie, there were plenty of romantic overtones and sub-plots with him and Agent Carter. And there are a few hints of that between Cap and Black Widow in this movie. But not much comes from it. All of those sub-plots are secondary for the most part. Black Widow is basically an ally and one of the few Captain America has. This actually might be better for her because it makes Black Widow much more than just a romantic interest. She demonstrates just how different she is from Captain America. She's a spy who lives in a world of lies. But in the end, she has to basically take a page from Cap's playbook and embrace the truth. And when a beautiful woman like Black Widow embraces the truth, that just makes her even sexier.

As if she needed it.

It's a nice and welcome change of pace from Iron Man 3 and Thor 2, which relied heavily on romantic sub-plots. This didn't have that. This just had Captain America teaming up with Black Widow, Nick Fury, Maria Hill, and his new buddy Falcon to take down Hydra before they could turn SHIELD against them. It's exciting, action-packed, explosive, sexy, and engaging. Every battle and every explosion is very well-done and nicely organized. Shit just doesn't randomly blow up Michael Bay style. And it's no over-the-top fighting on the level of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. It's the kind of action that feels perfectly appropriate for a comic book movie and more than fitting for a battle with Captain America.

That said, the movie isn't without its flaws. The scale is epic and the battles are awesome. But at times, the plot does drag. It mostly happens in the early parts of the movie, but it quickly picks up. In addition, Winter Soldier is really under-developed. He has some nice moments, but they're all quite lacking. He's not nearly as bad as Malaceth in Thor 2 or the Mandarin in Iron Man, but his impact on the story really is secondary to Hydra. He mostly serves as an extra source of emotion for Captain America and that emotion really doesn't resonate that well in the end.

But the flaws in this movie are too few and easily overshadowed by all the shit it does right. The story isn't as basic as the first Captain America movie. It shows an evolution of the plot and an evolution of the threats the Marvel movieverse is dealing with. And like every other Marvel movie to date, there is a post-credits scene that sets up Age of Ultron. However, I didn't find it all that mind-blowing. I might have just been too sober. But if anyone had to leave early, don't feel bad. Not much was missed.

So where does Captain America: The Winter Soldier rank in Marvel's already impressive library of awesome movies? Well, it's not better than Avengers. That bar is simply way too fucking high. And in some ways it's not better than the first Captain America movie or the first Iron Man movie for that matter. But it's a movie that definitely deserves to be in the conversation in terms of Marvel's best work. It took all of the awesome elements that fans of the previous movies have come to expect and served them with a bottle of whiskey and a plate of bacon. It's as satisfying a movie as anyone could ask for without seeing Scarlett Johannsen in a thong. But she's in a skin-tight outfit a number of times so it's still pretty damn close. I give Captain America: The Winter Soldier an 8 out of 10. See this movie. Embrace your inner patriot. It'll remind us all that America can still be pretty fucking awesome. Nuff said!

Iron Man: Rise of Technovore - Marve + Anime = Awesome

Some things just go together perfectly. Peanut butter and jelly. Chicken wings and beer. Fake boobs and porn stars. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Some of these combinations are obvious to anyone who ever smoked too much weed and got the munchies or skilled enough to use internet porn. But a combination like Marvel and anime? That's one of those combinations that doesn't immediately come to mind. But when you think about it you're like, "Holy fuck! Why didn't I think of that?! I'm either smoking too much weed or not smoking enough!"

That was the feeling I got after watching Iron Man: Rise of Technovore. This neatly packaged little direct-to-Blu-Ray feature really didn't generate much fanfare. It didn't have Rorbert Downey Jr. and Gweneth Paltrow whoring themselves to the Hollywood elites at the behest of studio heads in need of more cocaine money. It was just a simple anime feature, courtesy of an ongoing partnership between Madhouse and Marvel. On its own, it doesn't sound like it's worth breaking out your best vodka. But when you look at the details, you'll either end up drooling with a raging boner or you'll be pissed off to no end that nobody did this sooner.

Here are the basics. This story takes place within the framework of the Avengers movies. It appears to take place either before Avengers or it could take place after. It has the Sam Jackson version of Nick Fury, Black Widow, and Hawkeye. It also has James Rhodes, aka War Machine. It even has a guest star in the Punisher, a guy who hasn't been relevant in the Marvel movies since Tom Jane failed miserably at making a decent Punisher movie and ended up doing a show about being a male prostitute. That's a lot of fucking star power from the outset. But it doesn't rely on star power alone.

Although with anyone looking like Sam Jackson, it probably could.

The story is well thought out. It introduces a new, very anime-ish version of Technovore. It isn't just some hulking monster that eats technology that probably came from Bill Gates's worst nightmare that didn't involve watching Steve Jobs bang his wife. It's actually a creature born from events that began in the first Iron Man movie.

Say what you want about Obidiah Stane and Iron Monger. Yes, he was a somewhat shitty villain for the first movie, but he served his purpose well. But we find out in this movie that he left behind a son that he treated like shit. And like so many others kids with daddy issues, he decides he's going to scheme ways to fuck over the world for denying him a decent childhood. But unlike most kids with daddy issues, he actually has a way to do that. That way is Technovore.

It's not just Iron Man versus some evil twisted kid. This is anime. Unlike us drunken westerners, the Japanese actually put some effort into telling a deeper story. I know that sounds strange to us Americans. It's like not putting steak sauce on our steak. But it actually works better at establishing a sense of drama and emotion that you won't see on any of the Saturday morning cartoons we're all used to. I'm not saying there isn't a place for a more basic kind of animated entertainment. I'm just saying it's nice to have an outlet that actually feels like it's meant for people with hair on their chest and/or vagina.

The story has plenty of gripping moments, like War Machine being seriously injured and Iron Man having to reason with an obviously disturbed kid. But one other thing anime loves to do is throw in violent action that can be pretty gruesome, even when it doesn't involve tentacle rape. When shit starts blowing up here in this feature, people actually die. Blood is actually shed. It's not like that watered down shit you see on the action cartoons aired on Disney XD. This is visceral shit and it feels so good.

Not only is the violence more detailed, but the style of animation is more refined. There's greater depth to each image. It's an anime made for adults. That means the characters talk like adults and the cleavage of the women isn't obscured like some Iranian censorship plot. Pepper Potts is in a bikini at one point and looks absolutely bonerific. And Black Widow in anime form looks every bit as hot as Scarlett Johanssen. I've always said that cartoons need more boobs. It sucks that we have to rely on the Japanese to give it to us in our cartoons, but it doesn't make the boners any less satisfying.

You'll NEVER see a shot like this on the Disney Channel.

That's not to say that the story is without flaws. Probably the most glaring flaw (and possibly the only flaw) of Iron Man: Rise of Technovore is the pace of the story. It feels rushed and underdeveloped at times. After the first attack by Technovore, SHIELD spends most of the movie just hunting down Tony Stark. He wasn't behind it. They don't even accuse him of being involved. But for some reason Nick Fury thinks it's necessary to treat Iron Man like a criminal. It makes no god damn sense and it really never feels right. While it does make for some great action scenes and nice boob shots for Black Widow, it lacks the refinement that would otherwise make this story truly awesome.

Even with this flaw, Iron Man: Rise of Technovore is an amazing achievement. It is a neat little package that perfectly demonstrates how anime and Marvel can work. It tells a great story, has some awesome animation, and captures the same energy that made the Avengers movie a historic achievement in awesome. If I had to score this like I would a comic, I would give it a 4.5 out of 5. Even if you don't like cartoons and only watch the movies because the comics are too damn confusing, you'll find a lot to love about this. When you finish watching it, you'll have the urge to visit Marvel's main office, slap the first person you see across the face, and yell, "What the fuck are you waiting for?! Make more Marvel anime!" That's perfectly normal. Nuff said!

Avengers: The Movie - Assembling Awesome

There are very few things in this world that are worth waiting five years for. This is America. Usually, if we have to wait for more than a day we tend to say, "Fuck it, I'm going to a bar." For shit we're stuck waiting for, we tend to get easily distracted if we have to wait more than a year. This is a country where you could find the cure for cancer and solve world poverty, yet you will be completely forgotten the next day if news breaks that one of the Kardashians is in rehab. Yet as ADD as this country is, there is some shit we'll gladly wait for. The Avengers movie is a movie that's been building up hype for five fucking years ever since Sam Jackson had a brief two-minute part at the end of the Iron Man movie and after the fucking credits no less. Well now it's finally here and is really worth the wait? Well after having just seen it and after having endured my share of distractions over the past five years (most of them coming from titty bars), I can safely say that yes. It was so fucking worth it!

There's only so much I can do to dissect a two hour movie and explain all the ways in which it is awesome. I'll try to squeeze in as many as possible, but how much explanation do you really need? If you've seen the trailers, you've seen a good chunk of what it can deliver. Like most trailers, it tries to squeeze in as much as the good stuff as possible. The good stuff is usually shit that explodes, shit that laments over impending doom, and shit that has tits or a nice ass. The Avengers trailer is no different. Don't believe me? Look at the trailer and tell me I'm wrong.

But the trailer only tells one half of the story. I know, it's shocking...a heavily hyped movie that offers more depth than what you see in the trailer. But it's true. That big battle scene from the trailer was only the culmination of a story that hit the ground running and ran so fucking hard that if it had nipples they would be bleeding like a porn star after running 10 consecutive marathons. If you've been following the other Marvel movies such as Iron Man, Iron Man II, Thor, the Incredible Hulk (the new one and not the one that involved killer poodles), and Captain America then you'll see the story flow seamlessly. Even if you didn't see those movies (and welcome back from whatever cave in Mars you've been in for five years if you haven't), it's a very understandable story.

It boils down to a little something you could probably fit in your glove box. SHIELD is working with a new and potentially limitless source of power from a tiny little glowing cube called Tesseract, or the cosmic cube if you know anything about anything about Marvel comics. Following the events of Thor, Erik Selvig, the physicist who was grossly outshined by Natalie Portman, has been helping SHIELD tap it. Well that turns out to be a horrible fucking idea because during a test, it opens up a gateway that allows Loki to emerge. Despite being thrown off the Bifrost Bridge by Thor, he's as alive as a cockroach in a crack den and understandably pissed. Since he lost his chance to be king of Asgard, he'll settle for enslaving the Earth and ravaging it in the same way stoners ravage a bag of Doritos. I can think of some much better ways to cope with defeat, but none of them are nearly as awesome.

Armed with a special staff given to him by a shadowy alien figure that claims command of the Chitauri, he takes control of Dr. Selvig and Hawkeye to steal the Tesseract. Like Loki, they seem interested in taking the Tesseract and will gladly help Loki sucker punch the planet Earth to get it. Now why an advanced alien species is stupid enough to trust the god of mischief is beyond me, but I guess being an advanced alien species must get pretty fucking boring. Maybe they should focus some of that alien know-how on better weed, but that's their problem. With the most powerful relic on the planet in the hands of a disgruntled god, Nick Fury (the Sam Jackson Fury and not the David Hasselhoff Fury) starts assembling the Avengers. He enlists help from Captain America, whose only way of coping with this crazy modern world of iphones and internet porn by hitting a punching bag, and Tony Stark while he's in between cocktails. He even gets Black Widow to take a break from crushing Russian gangsters with her legs to recruit Bruce Banner. No one mentions how Bruce suddenly turned from Edward Norton to Mark Ruffalo, but like the Ashley Olson's eating disorder it's just not shit they like to talk about. The important part is Banner says yes and he agrees to help.

Seriously, who would say no to this?

What follows for a good chunk of the movie is the Avengers basically bickering and getting along about as well as Pat Robertson in a gay bar. It certainly doesn't help when Thor drops in looking to bring his wayward brother to justice for usurping the throne of Asgard, but it makes for a pretty awesome fight scene with Iron Man and Captain America. It doesn't sound too interesting on the surface, dedicating a good chunk of a big budget movie to just having a bunch of superheroes with overly bloated egos argue about whose dick is big enough to screw Loki over. But Joss Whedon makes this shit work. When you think about it, beings this powerful probably should clash. It would be even more disturbing if they all just got along, went out for beers, and took turns hitting on waitress. They're not exactly a team that was trained to work together. They were essentially cobbled together because Nick Fury was in over his head and didn't know how the fuck to handle shit that involves a renegade Asgardian god. The interpersonal dynamics really help flesh each character out. Some that really haven't been fleshed out like Black Widow and Hawkeye get some much needed backstory. It makes things all the more satisfying when shit starts to get heavy.

And yes, it does get pretty fucking heavy. Loki isn't just content with stealing from SHIELD. He needs some extra rare materials to make the Tesseract open the gate he needs to let the Chitauri in so he can grab a drink and watch them fuck up the planet. To do that, he uses his control over Hawkeye and a few tricks that involve pretending to surrender so he can further fuck with the Avengers. Along the way he helps expose a mystery that really twists the dynamics of the movie and of SHIELD in general. It turns out that they weren't researching the Tesseract to tap it's unlimited energy to give every man, woman, and child on Earth free electricity and cell phones that don't die out in the middle of a Mardi Gras wet T-shirt contest (still haven't forgiven Samsung for that). They were going to take a page right out of the Red Skull's playbook in Captain America and use it to make weapons. For reasons that are entirely understandable, the Avengers have a problem with this and Nick Fury doesn't apologize for it.

What? You didn't see me winking when I said I would use it for peace?

This secret threatens to undermine the whole order that SHIELD is trying to maintain in defending the world. To be fair, Nick Fury does offer a pretty valid reason. In previous movies like Thor, alien visitors and gods with way too much fucking time on their hands pretty much decimated an entire town. Granted it was in New Mexico and few outside of a few cattle rancher lobbyists gave a shit, it showed just how woefully unequipped they were. So why not develop the kind of doomsday weapons that tell guys like Loki and the Red Skull "You really want to piece of this, motherfucker?" Even if his reasons are valid, the Avengers aren't too keen on trusting a guy who only has one good eye and a shitty poker face. So when shit goes down, they decide to strike out on their own and end Loki's shit themselves.

Once everything is in place, Loki uses Tony Stark's own massive building that would easily compensate for even the smallest of dicks to open a portal. From there, the Chitauri hit New York almost as hard as the news about Tim Tebow being traded to the Jets. What follows is the kind of epic battle scene that Michael Bay probably jerks off to every night. It's even more satisfying than the previews imply, mostly because the movie dedicated so much time to setting up the dynamics between the Avengers. Plus, it's funny as hell to see the Hulk slam Loki around like a rag doll. Seeing it in 3D makes it all the more engaging. You couldn't ask for a better drawn out battle scene if Joss Whedon himself offered to pack your neighbor's garage with C4 and offered you a front row seat before blowing it up. It's the Avengers taking on an alien hoard and every moment is so immensely satisfying that if it were a hooker, Bill Gates would go bankrupt if he paid by the hour.

Overall, there's so much to love about this movie that I would need several blogs to list it all. Comic book movies have had their ups and downs over the years. Men like Joel Shumacher and Brett Ratner have tried their best to completely destroy the genre, but Joss Whedon and all the fine folk at Marvel have done a great job of giving those douche-bags the finger and showing them how you make a kick ass comic book movie. Watching the Avengers, it should give fans a true appreciation of how far we've come. And I'm not just talking about the five years of movies that built up the continuity that culminated in this one. A lot has happened since the days when comic movies were underfunded and not taken seriously. Now with this movie, it feels like the genre can finally spit on the critics and flex it's muscle.

We've come so far.

The Avengers isn't a perfect movie, but no movie is perfect no matter how many shots of Scarlett Johanssen's ass it tries to squeeze in. Some people will find some shit to be disappointed in. I personally thought it was bullshit when they killed Agent Coulson, but there is simply too much to love about this movie. It is the epitome of comic book excellence. For a long time, Marvel has been playing catch-up with DC since they had great movies like Superman all the way back in the 70s. Now with Avengers, they can finally say they have one-upped their asses and they are now the new standards in awesome. It is a great power for them to bear and hopefully they understand the responsibility of what they've done here. They can easily fall into the same trap as the Wolverine Origins and Superman Returns of the world, but with Avengers they have shown that they can do this shit right and do it well. I give the Avengers a perfect 5 out of 5. If there's even one cell of your body that enjoys comic movies, action movies, thrillers, or just shit that assaults your senses with weapons grade awesome then the Avengers is a movie you must see before you consider your life complete. Nuff said!

X-23 #20 - Girls Night Awesome

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Fear Itself #4 - Assembling The Awesome

Four books in and Marvel has managed to keep me hooked like a Bankok transvestite hooked on meth with Fear Itself. I'll be honest. I didn't expect it to be as engaging. Big events involving the Avengers tend to get more convoluted and bloated than the Octomom when she's PMSing. Events like Secret Invasion and Siege have been needlessly complicated to me. They lack coherence. Fear Itself, like it's predecessors, has every other writer and their second cousin doing a spin-off book. However, the main title has kept things unified. You can follow just the main title and not get so lost that you wake up naked in an Amsterdam slum with toothless whore snorting blow off your ass. It's more basic without being too bland or mindless. It's just what Marvel has been missing in an event.

At the same time, the basic nature of Fear Itself has been a source of criticism. It's not unwarranted either. It's a book that has Nazi killer robots. That's as campy as it sounds. Yeah, it ditches the convoluted political undertones of Civil War. But Nazi killer robots? That's the kind of shit you would expect writers in the 60s to come up with during a bad LSD trip. I've still given Fear Itself high marks, but I have my reservations about how deeper this series can go and maintain the quality. So far I've been impressed. I want to keep being impressed. It feels good in a comic. Not as good if it came with a free bag of weed, but I'll settle for Marvel just keeping the damn thing interesting

Fear Itself #3 ended with some powerful moments. The battle against the killer Nazi robots in Washington DC went bad real fast. The Serpent grew his army by giving the wonderful gift of magic hammers to a collection of dangerous, pissed off superhumans who in turn used it to unleash an unholy terror on the entire planet. That terror feeds the Serpent the same way undeserved media attention fuels Charlie Sheen. As Earth's mightiest heroes weaken, the Serpent grows stronger. All the while, Odin is being a divine prick. He's shut off Asgard from Earth and basically insulated himself while all of humanity suffers. He knows what's going on. He knows just how fucked the world is and he's not doing a damn thing about it. He was nice enough to send Thor back with his hammer to help, but he still did it in a way that makes him a god-level dickcheese.

Fear Itself #4 follows this divine dick move. Thor arrives where this shit began in Broxton. This time the locals aren't so generous with their welcome. They no longer give a damn about all the tourism dollars that having Asgard nearby will bring. Thor's buddies have triggered a global fear event and now he's about as welcome as the gay pride parade in Saudi Arabia. Thor just shrugs his shoulders and flies off into the sea of pants-shitting terror that the Serpent has unleashed.

We then get a nice assessment of just how far the Serpents reach has gone. All over the world, the lucky bastards who got a hold of his hammers are having a blast and scaring people to no end. With every pair of pants that are shat, the Serpent grows stronger. It makes for a truly global scale conflict, the kind that should be legally required of every Marvel event. Odin picks up on this as well. He still comes off as a dick, but he also comes off as being genuinely scared of the Serpent. His power is basically terror with the personality of a cranky old man who is sick of having to rely on pills to get a semi anymore. He's basically willing to throw Earth and everyone on it under the bus. I get it. People don't worship Odin anymore or kill in his name, but he still comes off as an asshole. He also offers a pretty cryptic warning. Mankind's faith will basically be crushed. So the Richard Dawkins of the world may finally get their wish.

It's not like the Avengers' spirits aren't already wounded. If you'll recall, Bucky Barnes got roughed up in a way that only every Nazi in the Call of Duty games can relate to. It was a cryptic ending, but it's not so cryptic now. Bucky Barnes died. And this time Marvel didn't polybag it and use it as a lame sales gimmick (see Ultimate Spider-Man for how shitty those gimmicks can be). For this, I'm somewhat relieved. I'm also somewhat curious because if Marvel isn't making a big deal of this that either means Bucky isn't truly dead or they're just undoing the elaborate story that brought him back. Given how Marvel has used death as a gimmick more times than the last ten Friday the 13th movies, it's hard to tell. But it plays into the basic nature of the story.

Iron Man, Fury, Black Widow, and Steve Rogers (the REAL Captain America) all stand over and take a moment to mourn their loss. It's not glossed over. It's not overly emotional either. Black Widow is the only one that cries and why shouldn't she? She was boning the guy. But before Bucky 'died' he did offer the Avengers the first clue. He revealed the Serpent as the main douche-bag behind this global display of douche-baggery. Now the Avengers know who to take their angst out on.

So with Bucky fallen, Steve Rogers ditches the old knock-off costume which might as well have been Captain America lite and dawns his classic look. It only took a few years since he was 'killed' off. Sure, we elected a black president since then, but still it's not among the brain cells I've destroyed. So that lends little credence to Bucky's death. But I'm willing to overlook that because in his old costume, Cap can now assemble Thor and Iron Man as the big three. Since Thor is now back, they know who they're up against and they're ready to start kicking his ass.

Before his asshole can even clench, the Serpent ups the ante. All that delicious fear strengthens him the same way democratic scandals strengthen Ann Coulter's evil. From a simple lake, the Serpent goes out of his way to scar for life some casual fisherman and rise up his own little castle. I say little by god standards because it's probably big enough to get Donald Trump to raise an eyebrow. Just not big enough to make him ditch that stupid hair. It shows that the Serpent has arrived and he's got style with him now. Every other one of his minions feels it and like a kid who was just fed a box of sugar cookies, they're even more hyped up.

The big three each fly off into battle. Thor goes right for the Serpent. Captain America goes after Sin, who was responsible for Bucky's so called 'death.' I'll stop using those goofy quotes when it starts getting believable. They're met with the kind of resistance you would expect. Serpent's forces are playing like the New England Patriots against the Detroit Lions. It's not even close. But their presence does more than just add another body to the crossfire. It inspires everyone to kick more ass. However, it's what Iron Man does that's a bit more curious.

Rather than find the nearest fight and start blowing shit up, Iron Man does something that may or may not be all that productive. He flies out to confront Odin. Now keep in mind that Stark is a man of science. He takes the whole concept of Asgardian gods and magic about as seriously as Paris Hilton takes a lecture on quantum mechanics by Stephen Hawking. He demands to speak to Odin, calling him out in the sense that mankind no longer burns his effigies or worships him. So he decides to make an offering of his own. By offering I mean he chucks a bottle of booze.

Now why is that significant? I know getting drunk solves a great many problems with life, but what good could it possibly do here? Well keep in mind Tony Stark is a recovering alcoholic. In the history of Marvel comics, few people have been made more a jackass by booze than Tony Stark. He seemed to get sober and stay sober. Now he's basically sacrificing that for Odin. It's symbolic, something that adds some complexity to what is admittedly a basic arc. It's a nice touch that revisits a story that hasn't been touched on in a while.

It's not clear what Stark is trying to accomplish. The fights with Captain America and Thor are much more basic. Captain America makes it clear that he's going to take on Sin and she makes it clear that she's ready to kill Captain America a second time if he has to. When Thor confronts the Serpent, he no longer looks like a grizzled old man who just got fired from his Santa Clause gig for being drunk on the job. He actually looks like a dashing young 80s make porn star, complete with a mustache. It shows just how much power he's attained. When Thor confronts him, he drops a few more little secrets. He says that Odin is his brother and he usurped the title of All-Father from him. It presents a rather interesting question. Is Odin really the true All-Father? Or is Serpent? While you're digesting on that, he also claims that Thor is his nephew. Well if Odin is his brother, isn't that a given?

This scene was an opportunity to throw in more mystery or expand on others. It was already known to a point that Serpent was someone who was once in the running for the All Father gig. Then somewhere along the way Odin got the better of him and wasn't very nice about it either. This is where the whole simple approach to Fear Itself falls a little flat. None of this is very ground breaking. It moves the story forward, but it won't shock anyone more than an ant crawling along your toenail. The only intriguing part is how Serpent is so power that he's able to knock Thor around like a pinball with minimal effort.

When he lands, Thor finds himself caught between two of the Serpents hammer-wielding buddies. Both Thing and Hulk got their new Asgardian toys in the past few issues. They haven't really demonstrated them in this title yet (although they have shown up in the spin-offs, but I'm too busy/drunk to review those at the moment). Now the two of them are about to take on Thor and rather than shit his pants like the rest of the world, Thor prepares to take them on. It's hard to tell whether this is the beginning of a new battle or just the middle of the first one. I guess it could be either, but the comic ending here feels a little abrupt. It's not the worst way it could have ended, but like Kim Kardashian's sex tape it leaves plenty to be desired.

After reading this comic, it's worth bringing up it's basic nature once more. It's not a very complicated story. Nor is it full of many twists or turns. The Serpent being related to Thor is somewhat of a twist, but it's nothing too groundbreaking. This being the middle of the story, it's likely some of those revelations are still waiting in the wings. Even if they are, a few hints or even a light tease wouldn't hurt. Readers like me aren't overly demanding. Not every money shot has to be full frontal. A simple nipple slip is more than enough to add some extra intrigue. This issue really didn't have that. It was an oversized brawl with some of Marvel's biggest names. It did offer some dramatics with Steve Rogers dawning his Captain America costume again and Tony Stark falling off the wagon again with alcoholism. But again, it's pretty basic. It's nothing you need to write a college theses on.

It would be easy to criticize Fear Itself for simply being too basic. Some critics and fans have already said this. I could say this, but I won't. That's because Fear Itself isn't pretending to be more than it is. Yeah, Marvel's hyping it up. But they're not trying to polish a pile of shit and call it chocolate pudding. Fear Itself is exactly what it's billed to be, a large-scale battle with the Avengers and the Serpent. That's really all it needs to be and Marvel isn't trying to make it into anything else. So in that sense I can't say the simple nature of the book is a flaw. It's a welcome return to basics that make this one of the most accessible Marvel events in recent memory. Then again, my memory is fucked from years of pot smoking so maybe I'm not the best source for that.

Fear Itself #4 still doesn't offer the same impact as the previous three issues. It's the midpoint so it's going to get a little forgettable at times. The story doesn't necessarily drag, but it doesn't fall flat either. It's still coherent, which in and of itself is an accomplishment. There are no huge revelations that will blow your mind and there aren't any hints at future revelations. That doesn't mean they won't come. However, on it's own this issue simply delivers the core basis of Fear Itself. For that I give Fear Itself #4 a 4 out of 5. It's an awesome addition to an event that has delivered as promise. It's a great time to be a Marvel fan or to get into the mainline universe. Matt Fraction has done something really special here and he deserves all the praise and a few Brazilian hookers on the side. Nuff said!