Worthy of Unworthiness: Thor #1

The following is my review of Thor #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The concept of being worthy is as ambiguous as the concept of being weird. In the same way the concept of being weird breaks down considerably at a Marilyn Manson concert, the concept of being worthy breaks down when the standards become skewed. Since worthiness is the main basis by which Thor is able to wield his enchanted hammer, Mjolnir, its standards are often undefined. This may or may not be on purpose because defining such an ambiguous term is like trying to nail pudding to a tree. Its very nature alone makes it impossible. But that doesn’t mean it’s completely without substance.

That substance is the driving force of the story within Thor #1. The main concept of this re-launched title was already spoiled when Marvel announced that Thor would become a woman. The nuts and bolts of this concept still need to be screwed into place. The events of Original Sin did plenty to skew the standards of worthiness, almost as much as the NSA skews the standards of legality.

With one little whisper, the contents of which remain a mystery, Thor is no longer worthy to wield Mjolnir and a good chunk of this story is spent lamenting about it. That’s not to say he acts like a child that just lost his favorite teddy bear. The very idea that he is no longer worthy is more damaging than no longer having the most awesome hammer in the universe that isn’t used to smash watermelons. It creates a tense and somewhat solemn narrative for him and the other Asgardians, who are just as confounded by Thor’s inability to lift his hammer. It calls into question their own understanding of what it means to be worthy, further adding to the ambiguity.

That ambiguity is downright frustrating at times because the concept of worthiness is now somehow so skewed that even Odin, the man responsible for using worthiness as the sole criterion for wielding Mjolnir, cannot lift it. That would be like Donald Trump not being allowed to fire anybody. It’s a major blow that sends a major message. The problem is that the ambiguity of that message limits its impact.

The only real substance offered by this new crisis of unworthiness comes from a threat that’s completely unrelated to it. While everyone else is struggling to understand what worthiness even means, Malekith launches an invasion at some underwater facility with an arm of Frost Giants. It’s as generic and plain as a threat Thor can face without including corn flakes and vanilla ice cream, but it’s a threat that creates the most meaningful impact because it demonstrates just how unworthy Thor has become.

Armed with his hammer, Thor can usually handle Malekith and Frost Giants with ease and still have plenty of energy to snuggle with Natalie Portman. This time, he might as well be fighting a pack of hungry wolves with a feather duster. He tries to compensate by attacking with an ax, but that ax is no Mjolnir. The battle isn’t too lopsided, but Thor’s unworthiness is still on full display for all to see. He’s sloppy, he’s unfocused, and he’s overmatched. He’s essentially become this year’s version of the Oakland Raiders. If he can’t handle Malekith and a few Frost Giants, then his season is as lost as the Raiders.

This is the most powerful message of the story, revealing the extent of Thor’s unworthiness. While the concept remains painfully ambiguous, it’s at least slightly clearer why Thor is no longer fit to be wielding it. If Mjolnir were a judge on American Idol, Thor would have been one of those contestants that left the stage in tears. However, this message is only powerful to the extent that the battle with Malekith forced it. The generic nature of this threat, which basically amounts to Malekith seeking something he and his Dark Elf buddies lost long ago, makes it too easy to gloss over. It still serves its purpose, but it’s still the least compelling part of this story.

The intent of this story isn’t to just shock the world into revealing that Thor is now a woman. Its purpose is to establish just how unworthy Thor and the other Asgardians have become. In this, the story succeeds, even though it does little to clarify the whole concept of unworthiness. Like the concept of weirdness, it’s one of those things that will remain forever undefined. It isn’t until the end where the woman now worthy enough to wield Mjolnir shows up and demonstrates her worthiness. But unlike Thor’s defeat, it lacks the same impact.

This woman basically acts as one of those shadowy figures that show up in every spy movie, not revealing her identity or even hinting who she might be. She just shows up on the moon, grabs the hammer, and just like that she’s Thor. It’s conveyed as one of those ongoing mysteries that won’t be resolved in the beginning. While this does offer intrigue, it doesn’t give many reasons to really care much about this character or even understand why they’re more worthy than Thor or Odin. It doesn’t even matter that she’s a woman. She could just as easily be just some random guy and it would have the same impact.

That’s not to say the impact isn’t meaningful. The mystery-woman says it herself. The world needs a Thor. It doesn’t matter if a man or woman has that title. A hammer doesn’t care which body parts its wielder has, only that it can hit the nails at the right angle. That takes away from the whole novelty of Thor now being a woman, but it doesn’t take away from the more tragic themes explored in this book. Thor struggling with his unworthiness helps make the story in Thor #1 compelling. The new woman who becomes Thor might as well be an afterthought. It might not make this story completely unworthy. But like grading a test on a curve, it still skews the concept as a whole.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Original Sin #1

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Iron Man: Rise of Technovore - Marve + Anime = Awesome

Some things just go together perfectly. Peanut butter and jelly. Chicken wings and beer. Fake boobs and porn stars. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Some of these combinations are obvious to anyone who ever smoked too much weed and got the munchies or skilled enough to use internet porn. But a combination like Marvel and anime? That's one of those combinations that doesn't immediately come to mind. But when you think about it you're like, "Holy fuck! Why didn't I think of that?! I'm either smoking too much weed or not smoking enough!"

That was the feeling I got after watching Iron Man: Rise of Technovore. This neatly packaged little direct-to-Blu-Ray feature really didn't generate much fanfare. It didn't have Rorbert Downey Jr. and Gweneth Paltrow whoring themselves to the Hollywood elites at the behest of studio heads in need of more cocaine money. It was just a simple anime feature, courtesy of an ongoing partnership between Madhouse and Marvel. On its own, it doesn't sound like it's worth breaking out your best vodka. But when you look at the details, you'll either end up drooling with a raging boner or you'll be pissed off to no end that nobody did this sooner.

Here are the basics. This story takes place within the framework of the Avengers movies. It appears to take place either before Avengers or it could take place after. It has the Sam Jackson version of Nick Fury, Black Widow, and Hawkeye. It also has James Rhodes, aka War Machine. It even has a guest star in the Punisher, a guy who hasn't been relevant in the Marvel movies since Tom Jane failed miserably at making a decent Punisher movie and ended up doing a show about being a male prostitute. That's a lot of fucking star power from the outset. But it doesn't rely on star power alone.

Although with anyone looking like Sam Jackson, it probably could.

The story is well thought out. It introduces a new, very anime-ish version of Technovore. It isn't just some hulking monster that eats technology that probably came from Bill Gates's worst nightmare that didn't involve watching Steve Jobs bang his wife. It's actually a creature born from events that began in the first Iron Man movie.

Say what you want about Obidiah Stane and Iron Monger. Yes, he was a somewhat shitty villain for the first movie, but he served his purpose well. But we find out in this movie that he left behind a son that he treated like shit. And like so many others kids with daddy issues, he decides he's going to scheme ways to fuck over the world for denying him a decent childhood. But unlike most kids with daddy issues, he actually has a way to do that. That way is Technovore.

It's not just Iron Man versus some evil twisted kid. This is anime. Unlike us drunken westerners, the Japanese actually put some effort into telling a deeper story. I know that sounds strange to us Americans. It's like not putting steak sauce on our steak. But it actually works better at establishing a sense of drama and emotion that you won't see on any of the Saturday morning cartoons we're all used to. I'm not saying there isn't a place for a more basic kind of animated entertainment. I'm just saying it's nice to have an outlet that actually feels like it's meant for people with hair on their chest and/or vagina.

The story has plenty of gripping moments, like War Machine being seriously injured and Iron Man having to reason with an obviously disturbed kid. But one other thing anime loves to do is throw in violent action that can be pretty gruesome, even when it doesn't involve tentacle rape. When shit starts blowing up here in this feature, people actually die. Blood is actually shed. It's not like that watered down shit you see on the action cartoons aired on Disney XD. This is visceral shit and it feels so good.

Not only is the violence more detailed, but the style of animation is more refined. There's greater depth to each image. It's an anime made for adults. That means the characters talk like adults and the cleavage of the women isn't obscured like some Iranian censorship plot. Pepper Potts is in a bikini at one point and looks absolutely bonerific. And Black Widow in anime form looks every bit as hot as Scarlett Johanssen. I've always said that cartoons need more boobs. It sucks that we have to rely on the Japanese to give it to us in our cartoons, but it doesn't make the boners any less satisfying.

You'll NEVER see a shot like this on the Disney Channel.

That's not to say that the story is without flaws. Probably the most glaring flaw (and possibly the only flaw) of Iron Man: Rise of Technovore is the pace of the story. It feels rushed and underdeveloped at times. After the first attack by Technovore, SHIELD spends most of the movie just hunting down Tony Stark. He wasn't behind it. They don't even accuse him of being involved. But for some reason Nick Fury thinks it's necessary to treat Iron Man like a criminal. It makes no god damn sense and it really never feels right. While it does make for some great action scenes and nice boob shots for Black Widow, it lacks the refinement that would otherwise make this story truly awesome.

Even with this flaw, Iron Man: Rise of Technovore is an amazing achievement. It is a neat little package that perfectly demonstrates how anime and Marvel can work. It tells a great story, has some awesome animation, and captures the same energy that made the Avengers movie a historic achievement in awesome. If I had to score this like I would a comic, I would give it a 4.5 out of 5. Even if you don't like cartoons and only watch the movies because the comics are too damn confusing, you'll find a lot to love about this. When you finish watching it, you'll have the urge to visit Marvel's main office, slap the first person you see across the face, and yell, "What the fuck are you waiting for?! Make more Marvel anime!" That's perfectly normal. Nuff said!

Avengers: The Movie - Assembling Awesome

There are very few things in this world that are worth waiting five years for. This is America. Usually, if we have to wait for more than a day we tend to say, "Fuck it, I'm going to a bar." For shit we're stuck waiting for, we tend to get easily distracted if we have to wait more than a year. This is a country where you could find the cure for cancer and solve world poverty, yet you will be completely forgotten the next day if news breaks that one of the Kardashians is in rehab. Yet as ADD as this country is, there is some shit we'll gladly wait for. The Avengers movie is a movie that's been building up hype for five fucking years ever since Sam Jackson had a brief two-minute part at the end of the Iron Man movie and after the fucking credits no less. Well now it's finally here and is really worth the wait? Well after having just seen it and after having endured my share of distractions over the past five years (most of them coming from titty bars), I can safely say that yes. It was so fucking worth it!

There's only so much I can do to dissect a two hour movie and explain all the ways in which it is awesome. I'll try to squeeze in as many as possible, but how much explanation do you really need? If you've seen the trailers, you've seen a good chunk of what it can deliver. Like most trailers, it tries to squeeze in as much as the good stuff as possible. The good stuff is usually shit that explodes, shit that laments over impending doom, and shit that has tits or a nice ass. The Avengers trailer is no different. Don't believe me? Look at the trailer and tell me I'm wrong.

But the trailer only tells one half of the story. I know, it's shocking...a heavily hyped movie that offers more depth than what you see in the trailer. But it's true. That big battle scene from the trailer was only the culmination of a story that hit the ground running and ran so fucking hard that if it had nipples they would be bleeding like a porn star after running 10 consecutive marathons. If you've been following the other Marvel movies such as Iron Man, Iron Man II, Thor, the Incredible Hulk (the new one and not the one that involved killer poodles), and Captain America then you'll see the story flow seamlessly. Even if you didn't see those movies (and welcome back from whatever cave in Mars you've been in for five years if you haven't), it's a very understandable story.

It boils down to a little something you could probably fit in your glove box. SHIELD is working with a new and potentially limitless source of power from a tiny little glowing cube called Tesseract, or the cosmic cube if you know anything about anything about Marvel comics. Following the events of Thor, Erik Selvig, the physicist who was grossly outshined by Natalie Portman, has been helping SHIELD tap it. Well that turns out to be a horrible fucking idea because during a test, it opens up a gateway that allows Loki to emerge. Despite being thrown off the Bifrost Bridge by Thor, he's as alive as a cockroach in a crack den and understandably pissed. Since he lost his chance to be king of Asgard, he'll settle for enslaving the Earth and ravaging it in the same way stoners ravage a bag of Doritos. I can think of some much better ways to cope with defeat, but none of them are nearly as awesome.

Armed with a special staff given to him by a shadowy alien figure that claims command of the Chitauri, he takes control of Dr. Selvig and Hawkeye to steal the Tesseract. Like Loki, they seem interested in taking the Tesseract and will gladly help Loki sucker punch the planet Earth to get it. Now why an advanced alien species is stupid enough to trust the god of mischief is beyond me, but I guess being an advanced alien species must get pretty fucking boring. Maybe they should focus some of that alien know-how on better weed, but that's their problem. With the most powerful relic on the planet in the hands of a disgruntled god, Nick Fury (the Sam Jackson Fury and not the David Hasselhoff Fury) starts assembling the Avengers. He enlists help from Captain America, whose only way of coping with this crazy modern world of iphones and internet porn by hitting a punching bag, and Tony Stark while he's in between cocktails. He even gets Black Widow to take a break from crushing Russian gangsters with her legs to recruit Bruce Banner. No one mentions how Bruce suddenly turned from Edward Norton to Mark Ruffalo, but like the Ashley Olson's eating disorder it's just not shit they like to talk about. The important part is Banner says yes and he agrees to help.

Seriously, who would say no to this?

What follows for a good chunk of the movie is the Avengers basically bickering and getting along about as well as Pat Robertson in a gay bar. It certainly doesn't help when Thor drops in looking to bring his wayward brother to justice for usurping the throne of Asgard, but it makes for a pretty awesome fight scene with Iron Man and Captain America. It doesn't sound too interesting on the surface, dedicating a good chunk of a big budget movie to just having a bunch of superheroes with overly bloated egos argue about whose dick is big enough to screw Loki over. But Joss Whedon makes this shit work. When you think about it, beings this powerful probably should clash. It would be even more disturbing if they all just got along, went out for beers, and took turns hitting on waitress. They're not exactly a team that was trained to work together. They were essentially cobbled together because Nick Fury was in over his head and didn't know how the fuck to handle shit that involves a renegade Asgardian god. The interpersonal dynamics really help flesh each character out. Some that really haven't been fleshed out like Black Widow and Hawkeye get some much needed backstory. It makes things all the more satisfying when shit starts to get heavy.

And yes, it does get pretty fucking heavy. Loki isn't just content with stealing from SHIELD. He needs some extra rare materials to make the Tesseract open the gate he needs to let the Chitauri in so he can grab a drink and watch them fuck up the planet. To do that, he uses his control over Hawkeye and a few tricks that involve pretending to surrender so he can further fuck with the Avengers. Along the way he helps expose a mystery that really twists the dynamics of the movie and of SHIELD in general. It turns out that they weren't researching the Tesseract to tap it's unlimited energy to give every man, woman, and child on Earth free electricity and cell phones that don't die out in the middle of a Mardi Gras wet T-shirt contest (still haven't forgiven Samsung for that). They were going to take a page right out of the Red Skull's playbook in Captain America and use it to make weapons. For reasons that are entirely understandable, the Avengers have a problem with this and Nick Fury doesn't apologize for it.

What? You didn't see me winking when I said I would use it for peace?

This secret threatens to undermine the whole order that SHIELD is trying to maintain in defending the world. To be fair, Nick Fury does offer a pretty valid reason. In previous movies like Thor, alien visitors and gods with way too much fucking time on their hands pretty much decimated an entire town. Granted it was in New Mexico and few outside of a few cattle rancher lobbyists gave a shit, it showed just how woefully unequipped they were. So why not develop the kind of doomsday weapons that tell guys like Loki and the Red Skull "You really want to piece of this, motherfucker?" Even if his reasons are valid, the Avengers aren't too keen on trusting a guy who only has one good eye and a shitty poker face. So when shit goes down, they decide to strike out on their own and end Loki's shit themselves.

Once everything is in place, Loki uses Tony Stark's own massive building that would easily compensate for even the smallest of dicks to open a portal. From there, the Chitauri hit New York almost as hard as the news about Tim Tebow being traded to the Jets. What follows is the kind of epic battle scene that Michael Bay probably jerks off to every night. It's even more satisfying than the previews imply, mostly because the movie dedicated so much time to setting up the dynamics between the Avengers. Plus, it's funny as hell to see the Hulk slam Loki around like a rag doll. Seeing it in 3D makes it all the more engaging. You couldn't ask for a better drawn out battle scene if Joss Whedon himself offered to pack your neighbor's garage with C4 and offered you a front row seat before blowing it up. It's the Avengers taking on an alien hoard and every moment is so immensely satisfying that if it were a hooker, Bill Gates would go bankrupt if he paid by the hour.

Overall, there's so much to love about this movie that I would need several blogs to list it all. Comic book movies have had their ups and downs over the years. Men like Joel Shumacher and Brett Ratner have tried their best to completely destroy the genre, but Joss Whedon and all the fine folk at Marvel have done a great job of giving those douche-bags the finger and showing them how you make a kick ass comic book movie. Watching the Avengers, it should give fans a true appreciation of how far we've come. And I'm not just talking about the five years of movies that built up the continuity that culminated in this one. A lot has happened since the days when comic movies were underfunded and not taken seriously. Now with this movie, it feels like the genre can finally spit on the critics and flex it's muscle.

We've come so far.

The Avengers isn't a perfect movie, but no movie is perfect no matter how many shots of Scarlett Johanssen's ass it tries to squeeze in. Some people will find some shit to be disappointed in. I personally thought it was bullshit when they killed Agent Coulson, but there is simply too much to love about this movie. It is the epitome of comic book excellence. For a long time, Marvel has been playing catch-up with DC since they had great movies like Superman all the way back in the 70s. Now with Avengers, they can finally say they have one-upped their asses and they are now the new standards in awesome. It is a great power for them to bear and hopefully they understand the responsibility of what they've done here. They can easily fall into the same trap as the Wolverine Origins and Superman Returns of the world, but with Avengers they have shown that they can do this shit right and do it well. I give the Avengers a perfect 5 out of 5. If there's even one cell of your body that enjoys comic movies, action movies, thrillers, or just shit that assaults your senses with weapons grade awesome then the Avengers is a movie you must see before you consider your life complete. Nuff said!

Ultimate Spider-Man and Avengers Earth's Mightiest Heroes - First Impressions

For times in the year when there's no football on Sunday's, I consider that akin to going into a strip club where the girls don't wear thongs. You just can't have one without the other and still have it be awesome. I try to fill the void, but there's only so much blow I can snort. Thankfully, I'm not too brain damaged to get no pleasure out of watching cartoons. Sometimes I don't even need weed to enjoy them. It's true. I do watch cartoons and I'm damn proud of it! Marvel cartoons have always been near and dear to my heart. I still remember the golden years of the 90s when the Soviet Union fell, ecstasy was still readily available, and Marvel was pumping out awesome shit with the Spider-Man and X-men cartoon. Since then, we elected Bush twice and shit's been pretty inconsistent. There have been a few gems like Wolverine and the X-men and X-men Evolution. Other than that, DC has been kicking Marvel's ass with Justice League, The Batman, and most recently Young Justice. I've been waiting eagerly with my best weed at hand for Marvel to finally churn out some quality toons. They finally delivered last year with the premier of Avengers Earth's Mightiest Heroes. But that was in the same mold as the X-men cartoons in that they were limited, singular, and potentially forgettable. What made the 90s so awesome was that it was an entire fucking universe. One show just isn't enough. Avengers needed a complementary show to feel complete. That's where Ultimate Spider-Man comes in. And no, I'm not talking about that shitty comic with Miles fucking Morales. I'm talking about a real fucking cartoon with Peter fucking Parker behind the mask and Stan fucking Lee doing guest shots. That's a lot of fucking awesome and it's taken a long ass time to get here, but it's finally here and I can offer my drunken assessment!

Stan "the fucking Man" Lee. Nuff said!

Ultimate Spider-Man debuted on Sunday, April Fools Day, and it was no fucking joke...at first. It was part of Disney's new animation block. They spent many a coin purchasing Marvel. Now they're ready to start mixing and matching the same way Snooki does with various body fluids. Only with Ultimate Spider-Man, the resulting offspring isn't the potential anti-Christ. The show takes various elements of the comics and mashes them together in hopes of creating the ultimate Spider-Man experience. It's not like Spectacular, a show based more on the shitty premise that everyone has fucking huge pupils and lawyers prevent any other Marvel properties from showing up. The very first scene of Ultimate Spider-Man shows that this Spider-Man is part of a bigger Marvel Universe. After taking down Trapster (and making a big fucking mess in the process), Spidy is confronted by Nick Fury (the Sam Jackson type and not the David Hasselhoff type) and is told he's a punk renegade who doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. And you know what? He's right. This show begins with Peter having been Spider-Man for a whole year and he's still making a mess every time he takes down a bad guy. So Fury offers to train him to be the "Ultimate" Spider-Man. Doesn't that just fit as perfectly as a bag of weed in Snoop Dogg's couch cushion?

Look at the mess you made! Russian rock bands are cleaner than you!

The first two episodes are really sort of an initiation for Peter Parker. One year in and his inexperience finally catches up with him. He has to contend with villains who tracked him to where he goes to school and assholes like Norman Osborne who are intent on copyrighting his powers and making it into a private army for neo-conservatives. Can you think of anything more evil? So Nick Fury doesn't just set him up with SHIELD training and some kick-ass gadgets that include a fucking motorcycle. He also puts him on a team of other young heroes that include White Tiger, Nova, Power Man (Luke Cage), and Iron Fist. All are also teenage heroes and Fury seems to think that Peter can lead them. Because putting a kid who knows the value of responsibility in charge of teenagers who are inherently responsible makes as much sense in the Marvel universe as it does any.

It's a great premise and one that opens the door to so many possibilities. This isn't that lame ass Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends crap. This is Peter Parker being thrust into a role he hasn't been in for pretty much every other cartoon. That, and his pupils are normal sized. Sorry Spectacular Spider-Man fans, but I just can't reinforce that point enough. It isn't just him that's taking on a larger role. Other Marvel characters like Nick Fury and Agent Coulson (yes, that Agent Coulson) play a part.

Agent Coulson. So awesome he needs to be real AND animated.

Ultimate Spider-Man's debut was pretty awesome...to a point. There was one aspect of the new cartoon that kept it from being the kind of cartoon that blow testicles out of scrotums. It has to do with the shitty 4th wall breaking gimmick that is done throughout the show. It's not like in past Spider-Man cartoons where Peter has all these internal monologues or narrates. This is Family Guy style 4th wall breaking that's twisted, incoherent, and is about as funny as pissing on a dumpster. It takes away from the more serious themes of the show. I get that it's a kids show, but so are all the Spider-Man cartoons and they didn't need this 4th wall breaking shit to be funny. They actually told decent jokes and memorable stories. I'm sorry, but random flashbacks to a Mexcian hat wearing Spider-Man just makes this shit too hard to take seriously. And this comes from a guy who can get stoned and laugh at C-SPAN.

Now I get what Marvel is trying to do. They want Ultimate Spider-Man to be light-hearted and funny. But this 4th wall breaking shit is just distracting. It makes for a great episode of Family Guy where plots can revolve entirely around fat men fighting giant chickens. For a show about great power and great responsibility, it really doesn't work quite as well. It's better than Spectacular, but it shoots itself in the foot for trying too hard to be funny. Ask Andy Dick how that's working out and then tell me that shit's a good idea.

This isn't even funny in Mexico.

In addition to Ultimate Spider-Man, the new season of Avengers Earth Mightiest heroes debuted. Now this is a cartoon that was already established and didn't need any 4th wall breaking bullshit to be awesome. It's a show that already set a high standard of awesome last year and now that it has some Marvel competition, it has to step up it's game. And like Paris Hilton at a dick sucking contest, it succeeds!

The second season of Avengers sets up shortly after the events of the last season. The Avengers saved the world, thwarted Loki, and earned the right to claim their dicks are bigger than everyone else's. However, the last scene ended on a cliffhanger of sorts. The Skrulls showed up and hinted at the beginnings of a Secret Invasion style infiltration. Well the first episode doesn't really get into that...at first. It starts by exploring the larger corners of the Marvel animated universe by bringing the Fantastic Four into the mix. And for once it's not for an elaborate mission to save the world. It's for a simple game of poker.

If only they had invited Black Widow and Emma Frost to play strip poker. Maybe for Season 3?

It quickly becomes a typical super-hero mash-up when Dr. Doom decides to launch a simultaneous attack on the Avengers mansion and the Baxter Building. Why? He's fucking Dr. Doom! He doesn't need a reason. He manages to abduct Wasp and Sue Storm, forcing the Avengers and the Fantastic Four to venture to Castle Doom to rescue them. It ends up being a one-sided battle with Doom beating their asses with the kind of ease reserved for Peyton Manning when he plays the Cleveland Browns. He could have easily killed them all, but he doesn't. Why? Well remember that whole Skrull issue? Well it turns out he abducted Sue and Wasp to check and see if they were Skrulls. Was he right? For once, I'm not drunk enough to spill the details! See for yourself! The show really is that awesome.

So in the end, Avengers still maintains the high bar of awesome. Despite all the hype surrounding Ultimate Spider-Man, it still falls short because it insists on being cooky with the 4th wall breaking rather than focus on actually telling awesome stories. Even so, the two shows make for the kind of awesome Marvel animation block that we haven't seen since Clinton was getting blowjobs by cute interns. This is just what Sundays need to not be boring again until football season starts up! For that, Marvel has my gratitude and even more of my money! Thank you, Marvel! I owe all you guys a round of drinks, but I have to warn you. I know a guy who mixes a drink called the Ultimate (Liver) Nullifier. Not for the faint of heart!

Dr. Doom says your Sunday mornings belong to Marvel!

The State of the (Marvel Animated) Union

I have a long list of fond memories as a kid. By fond I mean some make me want to steal Doc Brown's time machine and get the hell out of this apocalyptic time bomb and some make me want to kille very last brain cell in my head with a blow torch. Among the nicer memories of my childhood are cartoons. I'm not talking about those pansy ass talking animal cartoons either. I'm talking about the golden age of superhero cartoons.

It was the 90s. Apple was a laughingstock, the Cold War was over, Bill Clinton was nailing secretaries in addition to fueling a historic economic boom, and Marvel and DC were making some damn fine cartoons. The big three were Batman the Animated Series, X-men: The Animated Series, and Spider-Man: The Animated Series. They were groundbreaking for their time, telling the kind of stories that weren't campy and corny. There wasn't Bat shark repellant or Wolverine lecuring on the importance of reading or Spider-Man teaching kids that it's a bad idea to make deals with the devil (okay, bad example). They were mature stories that closely followed the comics while making plenty of tweaks along the way (like NOT killing Jean Grey in the Phoenix Saga and NOT killing Gwen Stacy). They set the gold standard by which all future comic book cartoons would be judged. They lasted years and left many such as myself with fond memories, but since then it's been an endless search for a successor.

In the years since these cartoons ended, Marvel and DC have tried a number of new cartoons. Some were pretty damn good like The Batman and X-men Evolution, but they were far outweighed by the sheer fecal tsunami unleased by others such as the infamous Avengers cartoon that didn't have Iron Man, Thor, or Captain America or a shitty Spider-Man series on MTV. Even promising series like Wolverine and the X-men were aborted before they could make their mark. It's tragic in a way that makes Rick Santorum want to throw up.

But in recent times, Marvel and DC are making an effort to make better cartoons again. This time Marvel has an ace up their sleve. It comes in the form of a mouse with big ears and deep pockets. I'm talking about Disney if you're that ignorant about cartoons and because of Disney, Marvel has a media titan that they can utilize without having to perform oral sex on lawers for affiliated channels like Fox Kids or Nicktoons. It has already created an admirable series with Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Now Marvel is finally looking to expand with a new series, Ultimate Spider-Man.

For the first time since the heydey of the Fox series, two Marvel cartoons get to share the same channel and possibly the same universe for a new Marvel world. Now no one from Marvel has come out and said that Avengers and Ultimate Spider-Man are in the same world, but they would have to be functionally retarded if the thought of cross-promotion and synergy in this era of "Avengers vs. X-men" crossovers didn't cross their mind. It's an exciting prospect, but how much awesome can we hope for?

I admit I'm very cynical about Spider-Man cartoons. Spectacular Spider-Man was a disappointing buchery of the series and it didn't help that every character had eyes that made them look like they had Down Syndrome. And the less said about the MTV series, the better. But Ultimate Spider-Man promises to be different. For one, it's not going to be restricted to characters strictly from the Spider-Man universe. That means Kingpin can actually show up after being benched due to lawyers bitch-slapping one another over the liscening for Spectacular Spider-Man. It also means other heroes like Iron Fist, Nova, and White Tiger can show up and they've never shown up in any cartoon before. It even means Agent Coulson, everyone's favorite SHIELD agent from the Avengers movies, is showing up as well. It's like trying to get the attention of fans by piling on different kinds of explosives on top of a barrel of TNT. It may be overkill, but I'm all for it!

More importantly, however, Ultimate Spider-Man will utilize a similar quality of animation set by Avengers. That means no Down Syndrome eyes and no bland colors that look like they've been air brushed by underpaid Korean kids in a sweatshop. It's definitely an upgrade when you go from the kind of googly eyed, poorly colored crap like this:

Help Spider-Man! My pupils have been stolen!

And get something like this:



Pupils. I got em, bitches!

 What a difference several failed series make, eh? Okay, maybe I'm making a big deal about eyes. But I've always pointed out that the little things are what sets apart the mediocre from the awesome. If someone is willing to make the extra effort to make sure these characters look awesome in animation, then that says to me as a customer that the people I trust to handle these characters give enough of a damn to make everything else awesome. That's a powerful message, even to a drunk.

Now Ultimate Spider-Man may look awesome, but can it deliever? Well, that remains to be scene. Looking pretty doesn't mean shit if the story you convey is complete shit. The clips offered by Spinoff and USA Today show promise, but they also show a different tone. This show doesn't seem to have the same serious undertones as Avengers EMH. It's about a high school kid, that I get. But crap like breaking the 4th wall and little anime moments that don't involve women's panties is pushing it. So I'm not going to come out and say that I'm certain that this cartoon will be awesome, but for the first time since Monica Lewinsky was learning new ways to use cigars, I'm optimistic.

But what about other Marvel properties? What about X-men? Marvel had some damn good shit going with Wolverine and the X-men, but someone decided that shit wasn't worth financing and it was cut. From Nicktoons of all place. I mean really? A show that looked good, told a great story, and ended on a cliff-hanger wasn't good enough? I call bullshit on a stick, but seeing as how Marvel seems to be building up a more cohesive animated world it may only be a matter of time before others like the X-men, Daredevil, or the Fantastic Four show up. Wolverine already showed up in Avengers EMH so Marvel just needs the time and balls to do it. They would be idiots as well as assholes if they didn't at least consider it.

So things look good for Marvel, but what about DC? Well aside from their awesome Direct-to-DVD movie releases like Justice League Doom, they don't have much in the form of animated potential. Their last big world was Justice League Unlimited, but that show ended when Bush was still in office. They have shows like Young Justice, but that's not nearly as extensive as Justice Leage Unlimited and on Cartoon Network it seems limited by what it can do and still be on the same level as an Ed, Edd, n' Eddy rerun. The only other mature option DC has going at the moment is a new Green Lantern series. Given how popular Green Lantern has become over the past few years (Ryan Reynolds not withstanding), it's understandable. But so far, it's appeal hasn't been all that great. Going back to animation, this thing looks like a pre-rendered screen test from Justice League. Hell, it's a huge downgrade compared to Young Justice.


The best CGI from 1997.

 I'm sorry, but I just can't get too excited when it looks like DC is getting cheap on me. I'm still willing to give it a chance, but come on DC! Marvel is making a big animation push with their new sugar daddies in Disney. At least try to show that you care about matching their awesome. You're the guys who made Batman and Justice League. You have no excuse.

So in conclusion to this drunken rant, what's the overall state of the animated union? Well, I think it's safe to say it's strong on Marvel's end. They're setting up a brand new world with Disney that has the potential to do in 2012 what they did in the 90s. They still have to put in the necessary work to make it awesome, but they have all the tools they need to make it happen. DC is in another boat. They seem a little lost in terms of matching the scale Marvel is utilizing. They still have potential with cartoons like Young Justice, but for the moment they're tripping over their own feet while Marvel is running full speed towards the peak of Mt. Awesome. It's a great time to be a comic fan and a couch potatoe. Since TV shows are being canceled and/or ended left and right and there's no football on for another four months, we need something to fill the void and there's only so much booze can do. Nuff said!

Ultimate X-men #1 - The Ultimate Letdown

I consider myself an equal opportunity drunk. By that I mean if I get fucked up on one exotic substance, I make it a point to get fucked up on another just to ensure the karma of the universe remains intact. Sure, it makes me sick to my stomach. I think I puked up half my small intestines after reading Ultimate Spider-Man #1. And I can objectively say that the reddish brown entrails on the gas station toilet had more creative merit than that piece of shit. Ultimate comics have sucked so bad that it's made me wish that kid who kicked my ass in school spiked my milk with rat poison rather than laxatives. That would be far less painful than this shit. But in the spirit of fucking myself up on a balanced level, I've decided to review Ultimate X-men #1. After reading Ultimate X #4 I now go into uncontrolled convulsions every time I read the worlds Ultimate and X-men in one sentence. It's hard to believe that this used to be my favorite book for the better part of a decade. Since then it's crashed harder than Tiger Woods's image.

Ultimate X-men is like a corpse that's already been butt-fucked by necrophiliacs, lit on fire, pissed out by incontinent monkeys, and then shit on again by a pack of constipated elephants. Jesus Christ, Mohammed, Moses, and Xenu couldn't fix this shit with all the magic from every holy book ever written. That's what happens when you have an event like Ultimatum that essentially butchers good characters in a way so tasteless that Marvel might as well have paid a bum four bucks to stab their fans with a rusty knife. Now the only fans who seem to enjoy Ultimate X-men are the fans that never gave a shit about X-men in the first place or hate the major characters that make up the X-men. But by that definition, they aren't really X-men fans! So what the fuck is the point of this book?

Apparently, Marvel is treating Ultimate like that sandbox every kid takes a shit in. It was once fun, but nobody wants to go near it anymore. It's like that slut in your senior year of high school that everybody fucks and will do anything you want. Those sluts usually disappear without a trace for a reason. But not Ultimate X-men. Marvel insists on telling an X-men story where Cyclops, Wolverine, Professor Xavier, Magneto, Gambit, and Angel are dead. Well if that's the story they want to tell, then why the fuck call it X-men? But I digress.

Ultimate X-men is basically a world where all X-men are screwed. Magneto inflicted mass genocide. Now all mutants are basically criminals by association. They're to be shot on sight or thrown into prison camps. It's not an issue of them being victims. Magneto fucked them all over and there's no going back from it. They might as well be Nazis trying to win the Jewish vote in Florida. There's just no coming back from genocide. You're either screwed over or slightly less screwed over. The new writer, Nick Spencer, has a proven track record with titles like Morning Glories (a book you should totally read if you haven't already). However, he seems to have drawn the short straw and has to tell stories in this shitty series about how shitty the lives of mutants are. I actually feel sorry for the guy because he might as well be trying to market used toilet paper. But enough shitting over this already wrecked stage. What exactly does this shell of an X-book have to offer? Well that's why I'm here, people! I review this shit so you don't have to.

Ultimate X-men #1 starts off with Karen Grant. She's another brilliant fuck-up from the X-books. She was once Jean Grey, an outgoing and passionate character that was one of Ultimate's most lovable characters. Then after Ultimatum she changed her appearance, took on the role of Karen Grant, and become this emo porcelain doll with the personality depth of someone who had a botched frontal lobotomy. She even refers to Jean Grey in the past tense. She doesn't even consider herself Jean Grey anymore. And maybe that's for the better because she has the people skills of a crack head. It shows when she visits this woman who just found out her daughter is a mutant. She has red hair and telekinesis. Really? In a book where and I quote "Anything can happen" this is what they come up with? I'm sorry, but Generation Hope beat this book to the punch by over a fucking year. Since when did "anything" mean shit that was done less than a year ago?

So they're talking and Jean goes over how fucked all mutants are. They're basically under the thumb of the government and the only reason she's not in a prison camp is because Nick Fury says so. She didn't even say she could help. She says she's just visiting out of "concern." As if somehow that's enough to do much good. She has nothing to offer this woman. No hope for her daughter other than a life that sucks. So when there's a bang off panel and the girl's father comes down carrying a shotgun saying he just killed his daughter, there's really no impact. It's not all that shocking or all that hard hitting. It's meant to be an emotional scene, but since this is an Ultimate book it's just par for the course. So a man kills his daughter when she finds out she's a mutant. In Ultimate, that's like finding out that Lindsey Lohan got arrested again. Boring!

Then the book gets political because seriously, what's more exciting than politics in comic books? Isn't that why fans read books and not because of the characters that the title on the cover promises? Or maybe I'm just crazy. Anyways, Valerie Cooper basically holds a press conference telling the world what readers found out in Ultimate Origins (nearly four years ago). Mutants aren't a big step in evolution. They're just a failed science experiment. This as opposed to being the product of alien space gods like the Celestials in 616. That's like going from fucking Pamela Anderson to fucking Betty White.

Watching this news conference are the rag-tag team of non-X-men that were assembled in Ultimate X. They include Jimmy (Wolverine replacement), Derek Morgan (a Batman/Daredevil/Angel ripoff), and Liz Allen (whiny bitch that's just annoying). They're understandably frustrated by the royal screw-job that mutants are getting. But again, they got no choice and no hope. They're basically just hanging around Karen because she's on Nick Fury's good side and he's keeping them out of jail. This leaves Jimmy the Wolverine rip-off to basically copy his old man completely and strike out on his own. He wants to see this place where mutants were first made. For a moment it sounds like Wolverine isn't even dead. Ultimate X sucked ass, but at least Jimmy made an effort not to be too much like his old man. Seriously, if Marvel wants an X-men series where Wolverine is dead, why replace him with a kid that acts just like him?

So the news report continues because politics are just so exciting. Valerie Cooper continues answering questions, basically taking excuses right from the press in 1942 when everyone was justifying the internment of the Japanese. The difference here is that mutants are being prodded like cattle as a scene with Colossus so nicely illustrates. There are some places that claim to be nice such as the one Storm is at, but those are just for photo-ops. I'm not sure if the historical parallels are supposed to apply here, but they do to a point. The only difference is that if a guy like Magneto inflicts mass genocide then something as shitty as internment camps actually seems reasonable. That's how fucked up politics are in Ultimate. Michelle Bachmann would be right at home.

But it isn't just prison camps that are screwing mutants over. Some are still on the loose. Some still need to be hunted. How do they do that? Well here's a pop quiz for all you X-men fans out there. What other reality has mutants being hunted and thrown into prison camps? If you answered Days of Futures Past, you get a gold star and bonus points for being able to look up a story that is over 30 years old. Now Nick Spencer claimed that he's simply taking some inspiration from Days of Futures Past. He's not just ripping it off. I want to believe him. I really do. But when Rogue, who has been on the run since Ultimate X, is confronted by a Nimrod sentinel that might as well have been copied and pasted from the old Days of Futures Past storyline then I have to cry foul.

This is a huge problem for me among many. Ultimate has been pitched as this place where these new, novel stories can be told that can't be told in 616. But mutants being hunted and thrown into prison camps is not new. Days of Futures Past is an old story. It's one thing to take some elements from it. I know pretty much everything is a rip-off these days, but it's a matter of degree. When you throw the Nimrod sentinel into the mix and it looks almost exactly like it's 30-year-old counterpart then that's ten degrees too much. It's such an egregious level that Al Gore could make a documentary out of it.

So the White House press event went about as well as it does in real life. That is to say it triggered riots all over the country. So at least Ultimate still gets some things right. It falls on Nick Fury to do something about it. Yet he's the guy putting together a mutant team with a Karen Grant and Wolverine's kid. So how is he credible again? He's prepared to call in the National Guard, which in comics is like admitting your a pussy. That's when Quicksilver shows up. You know, the guy who basically manipulated Magneto into conducting mass genocide by making him believe his children were dead? He comes along and no one shoots on him the spot because only the readers know that. Now I know dramatic irony is supposed to heighten the moment here, but all it really does is make Fury and the President look like morons because they actually take him seriously. Pietro doesn't actually reveal what he has in mind. No, that's because this is a setup issue. That means shit isn't going to happen until the next issue. It's not a cliff-hanger. It's basically a hostage situation.

So most of this comic has essentially showed you how fucked mutants are and how fucked they're going to be with Quicksilver working out his daddy issues. Now we revisit some of the other X-men that weren't horribly butchered. Kitty Pryde, Bobby Drake, and Johnny Storm have all basically given up on the whole hero gig. It's hard to be a hero when everyone wants to kill you. So they just live the life of hobos, sleeping in old Morlock caverns. Yet they're aware of the crap that's going on and aren't inclined to thrust themselves into that shit storm. And who can blame them? This is one instance were being a hero is not just stupid. It's pretty much pointless.

But then Bobby points out on his nifty product placement ipad (I'm sure Marvel gets a shit ton of free itunes cards for this) that Rogue is involved in one of those riots. Well that seals it. When an old girlfriend is about to get lynched, that warrants coming out of the sewer and actually kicking some ass. It would be so heroic if at the end Kitty doesn't narrate it as saying this is how she became the world's most wanted terrorist. There's trying to twist the plot and then there's just trying too hard. So now they're going to become terrorists? Yet this book is called Ultimate X-men, isn't it? Four years ago I would have been confused and intrigued. Now I'm just bored. It's the end of the issue and all the elaborate setup, but I have no desire to see the action. I think it's safe to assume that the setup failed for me. Watching heroes become terrorists and mutants become increasingly screwed may make for a decent arc, but not a whole fucking comic series.

I know I come off as harsh, but in reality I'm saddened by how terrible this series has become. I can't find anything appealing about this book at all. A book where anything can happen except the return of the characters that most X-men fans actually give a shit about isn't a very good premise for a book. Not only is this book basically a setup issue, all it really sets up is that mutants are fucked. The only stories you can really look forward to is how fucked are they. The only way they can not be fucked is if the story becomes extremely contrived and just starts ignoring all the shit that led up to it. So in order for the stories to be good, it has to use bad storytelling. In a universe with working physics, that's just not possible. Nick Spencer is basically in a catch 22. There's really nothing he can do here other than roll with the punches and there's nothing to work with. Not in the slightest. Now like Brian Bendis, I like Nick Spencer. He's a great writer and if I met him and real life, I would buy him a beer and a hooker. But the circumstances of this book are beyond salvaging and he doesn't do anything to make it better. That's really the least I can say about this book.

I want to be excited for an Ultimate book again. I really do. But this series has just turned into a What If story that won't fucking end. What if Marvel was actually stupid enough to kill Peter Parker? What if Marvel was actually deluded enough to kill most of the X-men, try to replace some of the characters, and make a series out of it? What if Marvel made a series about the Avengers just being a bunch of assholes who only occasionally acted heroic? Part of the appeal of What If stories are that they're finite. They're not dragged out or used to destroy the potential of a series that actually was once a top tier series. But Ultimate X-men #1 epitomizes all that is wrong with Ultimate comics. It's boring. It's bland. The characterization sucks. The premise sucks. There's no sense of progression. No build-up or promise. No hope whatsoever. Now if this story happened without Ultimatum, then it may have some merit. But Ultimatum did such a thorough job of desensitizing the series from any shock or intrigue that there's nothing this book can do that will leave the readers' jaw on the floor. When a series has resorted to cannibalism, decapitation, and replacement characters shrouded in race gimmicks that's it. Game over. There's nothing left to surprise anyone.

At the very infinitesimal least, Nick Spencer makes sure his talent is apparent in the way the characters talk and interact. However, all the talent in the world couldn't make this shit ball shine. I hope Spencer gets a shot at another X-men book, but this just has nothing going for it. I can't find any reason to recommend it to anybody, even if they were just going to use it as toilet paper. No ass deserves the crap that's within these pages. If Ultimate were a dog, it would have been shot and buried by now. That's really the only thing that will make this series meaningful again. If Marvel decided to kill it like it should have after Ultimatum. Ultimate X-men #1 only gets a 0.5 out of 5. I didn't want to give the 0 I gave Ultimate X #4 because that book also had shitty art to go along. That book will make you spew diarrhea through your tear ducts. This one will just make you sick to your stomach and depress you that this is how low Ultimate has sunk. Nuff said.

Captain America - Patriotic Awesome

It's been a damn good year for Marvel's movie division. As I blogged earlier this year, Thor was a godly orgy of awesome complete with Natalie Portman's ass to make it all the more sweet. This movie, like Iron Man before it, is assembling a massive load of C4 caliber awesome to help build up the impending nuclear blast of pants-shitting awesome that is the Avengers movie. But like any self-respecting Marvel fan knows, you can't have the Avengers without Captain America. That's where Marvel's Captain America: The First Avenger movie comes in.

Now this movie wasn't without controversy and some of it was fairly warranted. The man who got the role of Steve Rogers, Chris Evans, is no stranger to Marvel movies. He also played Johnny Storm in the two maligned Fantastic Four movies, two movies that despite solid visuals had about as much depth as a two-year-old's fingerpainting. I've yet to see both movies fully sober and Chris Evan's flat performance was only the 5th thing wrong with that movie. But unlike some fans, I believe in second chances so I gave Chris Evans the benefit of the doubt with Captain America.

The movie starts out in the present with a scene all Cap fans should be familiar with. SHIELD, having too much free time and money on their hands, search an arctic wasteland for ruins of something deemed more precious than gold or the Grateful Dead's secret stash. They end up finding Captain America encased in ice and from here, we go from the present to the past. This is where most of the movie takes place, but it's not just one big flashback. If anything, the present is the prelude. The real meat of the story takes place in the 1940s where Steve Rogers is a sickly kid from Brooklyn and everyone else is busy shitting their pants over the prospect of Nazis taking over the world.

In these early parts of the movie, we don't get straight into the action. We actually get a glimpse into the kind of man that Steve Rogers really is. He's not some tragic figure who pisses and moans about everything. He's a guy who God slacked off on when crafting his body, but he doesn't let that stop him. He's willing to pick fights with guys who can kick his ass and he's willing to lie in order to get into the army to go fight the Nazis. He's basically the anti-George W. Bush.

One of the most powerful scenes in this area is when Professor Erskin, the man behind the super soldier formula, does a quick test to find his first specimen. He takes a grenade and throws it into a crowd of recruits. It's a bit of a dick move, but it makes a point. While all the other macho men tighten their assholes and adjust their panties, the sickly and weak Steve Rogers dives right on top of the grenade. I don't care who you are, but that shit takes balls and it proves more than anything that Steve Rogers is the man for the job.

So Steve gets his shot at the Super Soldier serum. And low and behold, it works. He becomes the strong, tough guy that used to beat the shit out of him. Except he doesn't let it go to his head. He uses his skills to chase after the goons from Hydra, who have secretly become the kind of force that Hitler could only have jerked off to in his sleep. They succeed in killing Professor Erskin, which pretty much puts Captain America on a collision course with these assholes that would dominate the rest of the movie.

At first, he doesn't get his shot. Rather than send him into the field to kick ass against the Nazis, the politician of the 40s show they're as shameless as the politicians of today. They send Cap on a PR campaign to beef up support for the war. They dress him up in what looks like the Captain America costume my old roommate wore to a Halloween party, which he later pissed in when he got drunk. But that's another story. Naturally, Steve Rogers doesn't care for this shit so when nobody is willing to throw him into the field, he throws himself into the field. With balls as tough as adamantium, he single-handedly frees over 400 prisoners from Hydra including his old buddy Bucky Barnes. This finally gets the point across. He's not a showman. He's a soldier and he's ready to kick some ass.

His chief opponent is the Red Skull, who throughout the movie is working to tap a power that if you stayed after the credits for the Thor movie you will recognize. Somehow, this guy got his hands on the fucking cosmic cube and is preparing to use it to sodomize the world on a level not seen since boy bands hit it big in the late 90s. There isn't much depth to the guy. He sees himself as a demigod, drunk with power. He doesn't get the same treatment that Steve Rogers gets in that we never find out what makes him tick. That's a bit of a shame because there's no denying that the son-of-a-bitch is motivated. He makes it a point to beat the shit out of Captain America any chance he gets. This is what leads to the big climax of the movie when Cap has to stop the Red Skull from bombing the entire eastern seaboard of the US with cosmic cube powered bombs.

It makes for a heroic finale, but the best parts happen when the credits stop rolling! Like with Thor and Iron Man, we get some extra scenes. However, this time it's a lot more than just a teaser. It's a full blown trailer for the Avengers movie! If you see this trailer and your brain is still intact, you're either comatose or dead! THAT'S how awesome it is.

So what can I say about Captain America overall? Well for one thing, it made me feel patriotic again. After a decade of George W. Bush, my love for America was ranked at about the same place as my love for my back scratcher. America doesn't give us a lot of reasons to love her these days, but Captain America epitomizes what makes America awesome. Chris Evans fully redeems himself from Fantastic Four. He depicts both the hero and the man with Steve Rogers. He leads a story that's full of action, personal drama, and depth. Moreover, the details in this movie closely connect with the other Marvel movies. Howard Stark shows up as does the cosmic cube and references to Norse mythology. It's a beautifully coherent and beautifully crafted story that sets the stage for the Avengers movie. For that, I can only say that Captain America accomplishes everything it set out to accomplish. For that, I give it a 5 out of 5. It's not quite as good as Thor, but it's within spitting distance! If you want to see the next step to the Avengers movie and get a sneak peak while you're at it, you owe it to yourself to see this movie! If you start agonizing over the prospect of waiting until next summer to see Avengers, then don't worry. That's to be expected! Nuff said.

Ultimate Mystery #1 - The Ultimate Scourge Continues

I know I haven't reviewed many Ultimate titles on this blog. After Ultimatum and Ultimate X my capacity to look at an Ultimate book without going into catastrophic seizures has been severely hindered. My doctor tells me that it already has brianed my damage. It sucks still having to look at all the Ultimate books I bought over the years in my book case. I almost want to have a bon-fire in my back yard and dance naked around it in hopes that some angry fire gods will strike this book from existence. I've tried reading Ultimate Spider-Man, but the art is so god-awful that it looks like a crack addict in withdrawal threw up on the pages. I've even tried giving Brian Bendis's ongoing minis a try. The last one was Ultimate Enemy, which was billed as the beginning to an Ultimate Gah Lak Tus type trilogy. It sounds awesome, but keep in mind that Ultimate Gah Lak Tus was written by Warren Ellis at a time when much of the Ultimate universe was still intact and not suffering from chronic shit stains on certain characters.

The problem with Ultimate enemy is that not much really happened in it. New York City was attacked by some alien creature courtesy of Roxxon, Reed Richards died (killing yet another A-list character from this already depleted series), and Thing shed his rocky cocoon to become some gay-looking purplish creature. That's about it. Again, the whole plot revolves around some creature destroying New York. Seriously, THAT'S the best they can come up with after fucking up the whole series with Ultimatum? Destroy shit again? If this is supposed to be a fresh new story then I'm a respected Gynecologist to Playboy Playmates.

Ultimate Mystery #1 essentially picks up from this bland, boring ass story and tries to continue. Overall, it's about as interesting as watching a hobo scratch himself. But to Bendis's credit, he tries to make it interesting. He deserves some praise for trying to link up the events of this trilogy with that of the first Gah Lak Tus trilogy by bringing in Dr. Philip Lawson, who way back in Ultimate Secret was revealed as the Ultimate version of Captain Marvel (pronounced Mhar Vel). He brings with him Project Pegasus, another story from the Gah Lak Tus trilogy that was originally billed as an advanced new propulsion system meant to take mankind to the stars. Now it's a glorified archives where SHIELD keeps all objects of mysterious or unexplained origins. Lawson gets a little tour from some SHIELD cronies and they seem about as knowledgeable as Sarah Palin on quantum mechanics.

The point of Lawson's trip seems to be that he's an extra level of security. SHIELD is really keen on guarding this place and don't trust a bunch of non-superpowered men with guns to do the job. So Lawson has some witty exchanges with the troops, some of which are pretty funny. It still speaks to the strength of Bendis's writing, but as funny as it may be it really doesn't move things forward or develop any plots. It's just there for the sake of making the book more funny and that would be okay if the premise of this book wasn't so damn serious. The only time Lawson even gets serious is when he shows the troops his Captain Marvel form, which still looks pretty damn awesome.

So that provides one iconic montage for the book to build on. The next picks up with Bendis's signature character, Spider-Man. In this it's refreshing to see him drawn with some level of skill. Rafa Sandoval is several trillion times better than the bullshit, nauseating ass scrapping of David Lafuente. It feels like this should be the real Ultimate Spider-Man comic because the fucking art in the other book is an insult to Bagley and Immomen, their children, and every one of their ancestors. But it isn't so it feels cheapened.

There are still some decent splashes of Peter and his clone, Jessica Drew, talking about the events of Ultimate Enemy. They talk a lot as they're so inclined to do so (they are clones mind you). They even manage to touch on the whole issue of Peter's clone having "lady parts" that may or may not make him question his sexuality. It's too bad they don't stay on that subject because they just end up talking about the events of Ultimate Enemy and deciding to investigate Roxxon further. Again, not much action and that's okay. But you would think that in a series that fucking destroyed everything in Ultimatum would come up with better plots than the old evil corporation bit. Seriously, hasn't that been overplayed enough in comics, movies, and hippie talk?

Yet another story from Ultimate Enemy is revised with the Fantastic Three (yeah, that doesn't have the same ring as Fantastic Four but that's what you get when you fucking kill Reed Richards like you killed so many other decent characters in Ultimate). Sue Storm is having a bad dream and it involves Ben and his ever-loving powers. She seems to be the only one not thrilled with Ben breaking out of his rocky cocoon to look somewhat human again, even if he does look like one of the fucking Teletubbies. Add to this the whole revelation that Ben is in love with Sue in Ultimate Enemy and you get another tired drama that seems somewhat out of place since Reed was killed. But this is Ultimate. Fucking shit up like this is par for the course since Ultimatum.

When Ben does show up he's probably the only one in the Ultimate universe who giddy as a school girl. He loves his new purple glowing power. He now has all the strength without the rock. It seems like the perfect mix for him because he's always been burdened with his appearance. The problem with that is it takes away from some of the appeal of Ben Grimm's Thing character. If he's not struggling with that issue then what the fuck is he struggling with? Is he just going to be another cocky little shit because now the competition into Sue's panties is diminished and he can look in the mirror without cringing again? I respect what Bendis is trying to do by making Ben's power more elaborate, but he's sacrificing some of the aspects that make it compelling. Now that Ben has this power, he really comes off as someone with huge potential to be an epic douche-bag.

Again, there's more talk than action here. They're essentially set up as SHIELD agents now that Reed is dead and there's no more Baxter Building to speak of. The only potential for plot comes from Nick Fury when he comes in and says they're under attack and they need the Fantastic Three (or Terrific Trio now, which sounds far more lame). No details are given and why should they be? This is Ultimate. They follow the standard "destroy a city with a bizarre creature" plot and that's about it.

While this "attack" is unfolding, Dr. Lawson continues flaunt his wit with the troops at Project Pegasus. Again, much of the shit they're storing there is as mysterious as John Goodman's sex appeal. There's more witty exchanges, but they all amount to basically saying "We don't know shit about this shit so why the fuck are you here anyways?" If this is part of the mystery in Ultimate Mystery it's painfully lame. The world was already destroyed in Ultimatum. Who gives a shit about how powerful these relics are anyways? Unless one of them can do a One More Day style retcon, they're essentially hood ornaments for a Pinto.

Some action finally does happen in the middle of their conversations though. There's a sudden jolt and Captain Marvel springs into action. So what's the story here? Is it another alien? Another pan-dimensional blob? Lindsey Lohan getting behind the wheel of a monster truck? Nope, it's Ultimate Rick Jones. Again, this is another reference to a previous Pre-Ultimatum book, namely Ultimate Origins. In it Rick Jones was chosen by the Watchers as a herald of sorts. The nature of his mission and powers aren't clear and this would have been a perfect chance to reveal some of it. But sadly, nothing happens. All he says is that the Watchers told him to announce that destruction is coming.

 That's right, destruction. Again...fucking destruction. Seriously, in this book that takes place after a shit ton of destruction in Ultimatum utterly fucked up every Ultimate book ever since that's the best mystery Bendis could come up with. That shit would have plenty of weight if it didn't already fucking happen! That's what happens after you pull a stunt like Ultimatum and destroy damn near everything. Every other plot that involves destruction loses it's punch. It takes what could definitely be an awesome comic in the Pre-Ultimatum world and makes it utterly fucked like a German whore on coupon day. It once again shows how the Ultimatum title has utterly destroyed any potential for Ultimate comics to be awesome and every future story you read must coincide with a powerful urge to shit diarrhea from your eyes.

As painfully shitty the premise of these books are, I can't condemn Bendis too much for this book because it does have a lot of the elements that make his writing so appealing. He does fantastic dialogue and the characterization is pretty solid all around. Then there's the art, which doesn't reek of a perverse manga mix that makes readers want to gouge their eyes out. On it's own it would be a pretty decent book. Not much happened and there was more talking than setup, but it could have certainly set the stage for something awesome. Had I not read Ultimatum, I would be inclined to give this book a 3.5 out of 5. But Ultimatum did happen. All that shit that's totally fucked up the Ultimate comics still remains. That's a hell of a taint and add to that the lame destruction bit at the end and I can only give this comic a 1.5 out of 5. It's not as terrible as the god-awful shit that was Ultimate X, but it's not much of an improvement.

None of the Ultimate comics have any appeal anymore. There's nothing to really make them exciting because it was all destroyed in Ultimatum. Ultimate Mystery #1 is a book that could have been great without Ultimatum. It offers yet another reason why Ultimate should be completely rebooted because nothing can escape the taint of Ultimatum. Until that's undone, Ultimate comics will be relegated to toilet paper. Nuff said.