Rising, Falling, and Rebuilding: Secret Empire #10

The following is my review of Secret Empire #10, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The dramatic rise and spectacular fall of an empire is one of those rare narratives that can be just as dramatic in real life as it is in fiction. From the Ancient Rome to Star Wars, the story behind an empire has an undeniable impact on the human psyche, as well as the annuls of history. Every empire is unique in how it rises, grows, prospers, and falls. Sometimes it plays out over the course of centuries. Sometimes it happens over the course of a few decades. Marvel, with its ever-changing landscape, tries to squeeze that story into ten comic books.

Given the scope of empires, as a concept, that's pretty daunting for anyone not equipped with Reed Richards' mind or Tony Stark's gadgets. Nick Spencer and Steve McNieven may not have such resources, but they've made every moment count in Secret Empire. It's a story that taps into real world fears about powerful individuals seizing power and imposing tyranny under the guise of order. It evokes all sorts of passions, reservations, and arguments on message boards. That alone is a testament to the scope and scale that empires carry, as a story.

Secret Empire is not just about Hydra taking over the world. It's not just about Captain America betraying the Avengers either, although that is the emotional gut punch that makes it so controversial. These elements feed into that larger narrative of an empire coming to power, taking advantage of a vulnerable moment in time and trying to shape the course of history. The ascension of Hydra and Captain America into this position is established. Now, the downfall is underway.

For nine issues, the story sets up various plot-lines that lead to numerous skirmishes. It's not an exhibition game anymore. Both sides are carrying themselves like a couple prize fighters entering the last round. They each bear the scars of all the blows they've taken. They make clear that there will be no judges decision. One of them is going to get knocked out. It's just a matter of who can land the finishing blow. In Secret Empire #10, that blow finally lands with an impact that has both huge reverberations and major implications.

The rise of Hydra and the Hydra-affiliated Steve Rogers centers around reality-warping power capable of making good into evil, right into wrong, and making Deadpool less annoying. Any story that builds itself around that kind of power risks going too far and needing more reality-warping power to fix. It goes beyond resorting to another Deus Ex Machina, especially when that same device is used to set everything up in the first place.

Spencer sets up from the beginning of Secret Empire that a certain amount of warping will be necessary to resolve the story. There's just no way an empire as large as Hydra's can rise, fall, and leave a meaningful impact within ten issues of a series. The biggest risk any story takes in attempting to tell a story within these constraints is rendering reality a messy ball of mud that gets molded and remolded on a whim.

For the most part, the story strikes an appropriate balance between confronting the reality-warping forces behind the story and using them to defeat Hydra. Those involved in delivering that final blow even throw in some Loki-level cunning. It isn't just a matter of all the heroes gathering in one place and collectively beating up an over-powered villain. The Hydra-affiliated Steve Rogers is not Onslaught, Thanos, or some cosmic space god. He's someone with which every hero in the Marvel universe has an emotional connection.

It's that connection that makes the very concept of Steve Rogers becoming a fascist feel so untenable to begin with. That's like making Frank Castle the Kingin or Emma Frost a nun. It's so utterly antithetical to the core of the character that it just feels wrong for everyone involved. In a sense, both the characters in the story and those who know Captain America as the ultimate enemy of fascism are on the same page, in terms of emotional overtones. Nobody reading or participating in the story can accept a reality where Steve Rogers is, and always has been, a fascist.

By the end of Secret Empire #10, that untenable feeling is still there, to some extent. While the story does end up having to warp and re-warp reality to some extent, it stops short of completely undoing everything the Cosmic Cube changed. Certain characters stay dead. Certain places remain destroyed. Steve Rogers isn't the ultimate fascist anymore. A good chunk of the story, along with the best aspects of McNieven's art, is spent giving Rogers a chance to literally attack the fascist monster that Hydra created. While it's as satisfying as it often is when a fascist gets defeated, some of those feelings still linger.

Even though Secret Empire #10 crafts as concise a conclusion it can, given the cosmic forces involved, it still carries a distressing sentiment that may plague Captain America fans the same way the Clone Saga plagues Spider-Man fans. Regardless of the details, it's impossible to get around that Steve Rogers became a fascist. It doesn't matter that cosmic forces were involved. The very concept that such a story is even possible and a character must move forward with that kind of burden just evokes too many conflicting feelings.

The overall structure of the story still works with respect to showing the rise and fall of Hydra's empire. Secret Empire #10 even helps streamline some of the confusing, disjointed elements that are scattered throughout the previous nine issues. However, the manner in which it ends, the feelings surrounding it, and the prospect of moving forward from such a reality-shattering event are still mixed. It doesn't help that too much is narrated and too little is said in the end. It also doesn't help that some of the side-plots in the story don't connect as strongly to others and don't add to the overall impact.

These details, however, don't take too much away from the bigger picture surrounding Secret Empire. Spencer still succeeds at striking the necessary balance that's so hard to achieve when crafting a story that requires a complete deconstruction and subsequent reconstruction of the space-time continuum. That, in and of itself, is an accomplishment.

That accomplishment, however, will be forever lost in the stigma that Secret Empire will inevitably carry. While it might not be on the same level as the original Clone Saga, it will still be the story in which Marvel makes Captain America a fascist. It doesn't matter if someone makes a deal with Mephisto to ensure everyone in the Marvel universe forgets about it entirely. The fact it's still a story that got told in the first place, striking all the wrong emotional chords in the process, will plague it for the foreseeable future. If every fallen empire seeks to leave its mark, then Hydra definitely leaves theirs, albeit not for the reasons they probably intended.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Plots, Premonitions, and Pitfalls for an Empire: Secret Empire #7

The following is my review of Secret Empire #7, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Every evil empire, from Star Wars to all the organizations in a James Bond movie, goes through a cycle of self-destruction. It's part of a tried and true narrative wherein an authoritarian regime tries so hard to secure absolute control that they strain themselves and their resources. It doesn't help that these regimes tend to make a lot of enemies, many of which have little to lose and an abundance of targets. For a Hydra-affiliated Captain America, he's achieved a greater level of success than the Red Skull ever could, but he also made himself a huge target in the process.

Throughout the course of Secret Empire, as well as the events that led up to it, Nick Spencer puts Captain America in a high-risk, high-reward position. He is the unambiguous leader and visionary for Hydra, but he's also the perfect target for his enemies and former friends. His role in Secret Empire is akin to the design flaw in the Death Star. It's not very big and it's surrounded by all sorts of machinery, but the flaw is still there. The Avengers, the X-men, and everyone who doesn't enjoy living under Hydra's boot has a clear target and an easy rallying cry. No matter how powerful an empire is, this kind of vulnerability will create cracks.

With each issue of Secret Empire, Spencer reveals and widens certain cracks. Like the plot that put Captain America at the head of Hydra, the vulnerabilities of Hydra's empire are emerging subtly and steadily. The Avengers understand what they have to do to take Hydra down. Cap understands as well, but also has to contend with growing mistrust and distension among Hydra's ranks. Like any evil empire, unity and organization is a luxury and not a given.

There are all sorts of conflicting plots surrounding Hydra, Captain America, and the Avengers. A few have a foundation going back to the events of Civil War II. Some of those plots are finally starting to converge as the event nears its conclusion. Secret Empire #7 acts as both a turning point and a clear sign that the cracks in Hydra's world are about to turn into gaping wounds. As far as evil empires go, Spencer makes sure that Hydra is right on schedule.

From the very beginning of Secret Empire, and even a little bit before that, Captain America goes out of his way to make sure he's in a position of strength while his former allies are not. He arguably pulls off the greatest tactic in the history of the Marvel universe, dividing every major hero and using all the trust they ever put into Captain America against them. Nobody not armed with the Cosmic Cube, a time machine, or a cozy relationship with Marvel's editorial staff can hope to match that kind of subversion.

At the same time, however, Captain America's elaborate efforts have an unavoidable side-effect that even the Cosmic Cube can't avoid. It both humbles and enrages the heroes he worked so hard to defeat. From Captain Marvel to Black Widow to Squirrel Girl, every hero opposing Hydra's regime is battered and wounded, both physically and mentally. They're all in an impossible situation where they're fighting more than just Hydra. They're fighting someone who exposed their greatest vulnerabilities and exploited their trust.

It is, by every measure, a major low point for all those not on board with Hydra. Spencer uses this dire situation to give certain characters a moment of self-reflection. For many, it's overdue. For some, it's unavoidable. It's this self-reflection that helps make Secret Empire the kind of conflict that feels both epic and personal. It also hits hard in terms of drama, making the grim situation feel that much more intimate.

Of all the characters who feel the gravity of the situation in Secret Empire #7, it's Captain Marvel and Miles Morales who get hit hardest. Arguably, Captain Marvel's solemn admissions of failure and humility are overdue. For a character who has a movie coming out in two years and always seems too ambitious for her own good, it's a powerful moment that feels reflective of how many heroes feel after Hydra's triumph. It may not make it into a movie, but it's the kind of insight that can only be shown when a character is at their lowest.

For Miles Morales, the stakes are a bit more pressing. Since Civil War II, he lives with the burden of being destined to kill Captain America, according to a vision of the future. Granted, that vision occurs before Captain America is exposed as a Hydra agent, but it still haunts him. He and Black Widow have a chance to change how that vision plays out. It culminates in one of the most dramatic, and bloody, moments in Secret Empire to date. Vision or no vision, it's a moment meant to strike an emotional chord and it succeeds, albeit in part.

It's that same moment that also exposes some of the flaws in Secret Empire #7. While it succeeds in tying the events of Secret Empire with the events of Civil War II, the path the narrative follows is uneven and chaotic at times. While it never feels rushed, it does feel messy in the sense that there's so much going on between each moment and it's hard to follow the journey for certain characters. That ensures some of those dramatic moments feel hollow.

It's not that the moment has no impact at all. It just comes off as too easy. Given all the drama the entire Marvel universe endures in avoiding the visions in Civil War II, the choices that characters like Miles make and the impacts of those choices don't strike enough of those emotional chords. It creates connections, but not much else. In the end, it feels more like a teenager who just doesn't want to be told what to do rather than someone making the right decision.

Even with the chaotic plot structure, Secret Empire #7 makes clear that Hydra's hold is weakening. Even Steve Rogers is starting to crack under the pressure. Like so many other evil empires before them, he and Hydra are starting to realize that managing a chaotic world full of angry superheroes who don't enjoy being tricked is not easy. At some point, the chaos overwhelms even the mightiest armies. Hydra may be as powerful as any evil organization, but even they can't micromanage beyond a certain extent.

While certain moments struggle to create an impact, the overall story of Secret Empire remains on track. Like a slow-building firestorm, it's finally getting noticeably hot and the artwork of Leinil Francis Yu ensures it's a spectacle to behold. With only a few issues left, Hydra is facing many headaches and for an army that claims to have so many heads, that's saying something.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

No More Secrets With Much Greater Intrigue: Secret Empire #1

The following is my review of Secret Empire #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There's a lot that can be said about Marvel's various crossover events, retcons, and relaunches over the past decade. It's now trendy for fans to roll their collective eyes at yet another major event that promises to shake the foundations of the Marvel universe, as if that doesn't happen every other week. To some extent, Marvel does rely heavily, if not excessively, on crossover events, either to raise the profile of certain characters or establish a new status quo. The success of these efforts vary wildly, from the blockbuster success of the original Civil War to endlessly forgettable Clone Saga.

Within this environment of cynicism and aversion to crossover events, Nick Spencer and Steve McNiven's Secret Empire is up against unreasonably unfair odds. It's a story that has been building for a while, having begun after the events of Avengers: Standoff. However, it's a story that Captain America fans, and Marvel fans in general, are already prepared to despise.

That predetermined sentiment has some basis in the growing aversion to crossover events, but that hate got a gamma-powered boost with the shocking reveal/retcon that Captain America is a secret Hydra agent. That revelation is on par with Thanos revealing he's Tony Stark's biological father. It's both shocking and infuriating with some eagerly awaiting answers while others complain that their childhood is ruined.

In both cases, Spencer and McNiven have an uphill battle with Secret Empire. They can't do anything about those who are already determined to hate anything that doesn't involve Nazi punching, but they can still make the most of Secret Empire's potential and the potential is there. Secret Empire #1 finally unleashes the full extent of Hydra's subversion efforts. While it's sure to trigger those who Hulk out at the idea of Captain America being a secret Hydra agent, there is a wealth of content and substance.

Those who can look past the lack of Nazi punching will uncover a world that offers much more than the stand heroes versus fascist narrative. Spencer dares to add a bit more balance to the conflict and when one side of that equation are regularly equated with Nazis, that's both bold and risky. It's also necessary within the context of Secret Empire. It's not enough to just have Hydra raise their flag over the White House, declare themselves rulers of the world, and spend every other moment twirling their collective mustaches in triumph. It's necessary to explore the kind of world they now rule and why some buy into it.

Spencer doesn't water it down either. The new world revealed in Secret Empire is a fascist, authoritarian world where children are taught the glory of Hydra and government-sponsored bullies arrest people for daring to scoff at such glory. The first part of the story doesn't even involve any heroes. It just shows how a few school-age children live their lives in a world now dominated by Hydra. Those lives, as well as the order they now regularly hail, provide an important context that gives greater weight to the conflict.

Hydra may be fascist and anything fascist tends to elicit Hulk-like outrage by most, but the order they offer is tempting to some extent. Throughout Secret Empire #1, Spencer shows some of the benefits of that order. There's a strong, well-equipped army armed with ridiculous Hydra weapons to enforce the peace. There's a robust, orderly economy that is rich in jobs and opportunity. Those who buy into it gain a level of security and certainty that doesn't require mind control to appreciate.

That's an important component of the narrative because it adds a certain level of complexity to the conflict. It's not just a matter of underdog heroes taking on the big Hydra bullies who spend their days bathing in the tears of sick orphans. Secret Empire #1 dares to offer two sides of that conflict. Usually, when one of those sides is an outright fascist, there isn't much to debate that doesn't involve lung-bursting outrage. By ignoring that unavoidable outrage, Spencer and McNiven set up a uniquely daunting challenge for those who oppose Hydra's new world order.

The circumstances are pretty dire, as they tend to be for those on the other side of a fascist conflict. Those who play by the rules in a fascist state don't lose their freedom, their lives, or even their internet connection. For those resisting this style of patriotic tyranny, it's a test of will and resolve. Unlike previous conflicts, there's no rousing speech by Captain America to inspire the heroes. For once, the rousing speeches are working against them.

Cap being on the fascist side of the conflict in Secret Empire completely flips the script. This time, the iconic leader and pillar of virtue is working for Hydra. His style is not like that of the Red Skull or Baron Zemo. He still carries himself as a patriot, seeking to preserve the values he believes are right. It doesn't just add yet another daunting element for the Avengers or any other hero seeking to oppose Hydra. It gives the overall conflict a dramatic impact that can only happen through Captain America.

In the same way that generations of Captain America fans who played with toy shields as kids refuse to believe his betrayal, the heroes now fighting Hydra share in that disbelief. They look for any possible excuse, clinging to the belief that the Captain America they know and love is still there. Spencer makes it clear, though, that there's no mind control, evil clone, or Skrull agent at work here. The Captain America now leading the "Hail Hydra!" cheers is the same Captain America they've always known. It's gut-wrenching on a level that no amount of Nazi punching can alleviate.

The fact that the context and structure of Secret Empire is so dramatically gut-wrenching is what gives the story such strength. The details and organization of that story are somewhat loose in certain areas, but the impact is still there. Those still determined to hate Secret Empire and everything that set it up will probably not change their opinion. Anyone who still despises the idea of Captain America being a fascist will still be sick their stomach seeing him salute Hydra's flag.

Spencer and McNiven take a huge risk in Secret Empire #1, daring to make a conflict that involves fascists feel balanced. While that balance is still somewhat fragile, it still works. It still creates a story that feels compelling and dramatic. It won't make anyone pro-fascist, but it will offer plenty of intrigue.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Reverted Meaning: Avengers and X-men: AXIS #9

The following is my review of Avengers and X-men: AXIS #9, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There's a constant clash between shaking things up and sticking with what works. All too often, those that try to be more efficient learn the hard way why certain inefficiencies persist. Characters are not machines. Even the robots in Isaac Asimov's stories had personality. If they only operated at their most efficient capacity, they wouldn't be very interesting. A story with those characters would be akin to watching a machine make a million paperclips one-by-one. That's why the whole concept surrounding Avengers and X-men: AXIS was so risky.

It didn't just attempt to tell a story about another struggle between heroes and villains. It attempted to completely flip the script, inverting the personalities and roles of these characters. This helped put them in a strange, unfamiliar situation. Some of those situations have been interesting. Others have been lacking. In fact, one of the biggest weakness throughout Avengers and X-men: AXIS was its constant lacking of details and depth. But that doesn't mean it can't be a complete story in the end. And if nothing else, Avengers and X-men: AXIS #9 makes this story feel complete.

It's complete in the sense that it resolves the main conflict. It ends the epic battle in New York City between the X-men, the inverted Avengers, the inverted heroes, and the heroes that weren't inverted. It's as complicated and chaotic as it sounds. It's like a boxing match where the boxers invite their families and distant relatives to participate. It's so chaotic at times that it's hard to get much depth from it. At most, it provides a visceral, action-packed struggle that's slightly more enjoyable than a standard Michael Bay movie.

Beyond the action, however, there are some solid insights that help give the story a sense of impact. The biggest impact of Avengers and X-men: AXIS as a whole is the extent to which these characters were inverted. It's not just that characters like Carnage were upstaging Spider-Man, going so far as to make Spider-Man look like an undrafted rookie. It's not just that characters like Loki became worthy to lift Thor's hammer either. These characters knew they were villains. They understood what had happened to them and they embraced it. They took the whole concept of being a hero and ran with it the same way slasher movies run with Wes Craven's movies.

This led to the inverted villains to do more than just fight the battle. They went so far as to plan for its inevitable conclusion. They made it so that when all was said and done, the world wouldn't completely turn on the heroes that became corrupted. They wouldn't completely undermine the foundation of how heroes were seen and how they functioned. In a ways, they preserved those old inefficiencies that keep the Marvel Universe going. It was a noble sacrifice. At the same time, it still felt like the equivalent of hitting the reset button on an old Nintendo game.

And while the inverted villains achieved some level of depth, the inverted heroes fell flat. There were times when some of these characters could've been replaced from the bad guys in an old episode of Looney Toons and nobody would've noticed. With the exception of Iron Man, none of the heroes really distinguished themselves as anything more than glorified Stormtroopers with slightly better aim.

This is the biggest flaw of Avengers and X-men: AXIS. It lacks depth in many areas. Too many elements feel rushed and forced. It's like a Stephen King novel with multiple chapters cut out at various points. There were a number of characters with intriguing sub-plots. Few were sufficiently explored. Who wouldn't want to read more about a hippie version of Deadpool or a meaner version of Storm?

In addition, the story goes too far in just reverting things to back the way they were. The way it ended ensured that very little would change in terms of overall impact. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, the struggle in AXIS was just another attack by Dr. Doom and his cronies. That sort of thing seems to happen every other week. It makes the end result feel somewhat bland, like a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie that turned out to have raisins instead.

That's not to say there aren't some lasting impacts. Some of the characters did escape being reverted. It wasn't much and there were a number of characters that probably would've been better choices, but it did ensure that some of the intriguing aspects of this story would be preserved. It's not as much as it could've been and the lack of depth makes it hard to get too excited about. But it does shake things up in a way that won't completely disrupt the established order that Marvel has spent 50 years creating. Those at Marvel Studios seeking more material for future movies can rest easy in that respect.

With respect to other major Marvel events, Avengers and X-men: AXIS does not rank near any of the extremes. It is not as terrible as the Clone Saga. It's no Civil War either, although at times it really tried to be. It had the potential to be on that level, but its lack of refinement kept it from ever achieving it. There are some aspects to this story that are worth preserving. There are also some elements that'll have fans complaining on message boards for years to come until future reversions come into play.

In the end, Avengers and X-men: AXIS #9 completes the story in a way that isn't wholly satisfying, but it won't make anyone too sick to their stomach. It's a powerful struggle with a compelling concept that never got the refinement it needed. It was still a struggle worth following and while some of the impact was lost in the spirit of not fixing what isn't broken, it still has merit. There will be some who don't appreciate it, but that's one inefficiency that can never be inverted.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Avengers and X-men: AXIS #9

In certain movies, there comes a point where some people just go, "Fuck it, I'm sneaking into the theater next door." These days, it takes a lot to get people to ditch a movie. Between the cost of a ticket and the challenge of smuggling in bottles of whiskey, nobody wants to admit they pissed away their hard earned money on this crap. I get the sense that if Avengers and X-men: AXIS were a movie, a sizable chunk of the audience would've left the theater by now. Between shitty retcons and disorganized pacing, it's been a hard story to like. But I would be among those who stuck around until the ending. That's because that while Avengers and X-men: AXIS hasn't exactly lit a fire of awesome under my ass, it has explored some pretty awesome concepts and even developed a few that are still pretty interesting. But even I'll concede that at this point in the story, it's unlikely that its flaws will be resolved in the final issue.

Avengers and X-men: AXIS is one of those stories that thrives on concept, but struggles with execution. If it were a football team, it wouldn't be in the playoffs. But it would still be playing meaningful games in December. The inversion stirred up a lot of crazy shit. It's lacked depth most of the time, but it's already leaving some pretty big impacts. And while it may be a foregone conclusion that many of these inversions will be reversed, there's plenty of aftermath to explore. Avengers and X-men: AXIS #9 is set to reveal the scope and scale of these impacts. While I understand and sympathize with those who already left this story for dead, I feel like I've got enough whiskey in me to absorb the impact, however big it might be. I still may end up feeling ripped off, but if I'm drunk in the end, I still consider it a win.

It's usually worth the price of a comic to see two versions of Captain America beating the shit out of each other. Sure, I would prefer it if they were two hot girls in a mud-wrestling pit, but I understand that's asking for too much. Instead, I'll settle for Sam Wilson beating up the old and grizzled Steve Rogers, who is trying to save an inverted Red Skull. The fight is actually more satisfying than it sounds. Sam Wilson is still pissing and moaning about how much he enjoys being a selfish inverted douche-bag. He's basically repeating the same speech that all the inverted heroes have been giving since this story began. It helps that Steve Rogers keeps on fighting as we would expect Captain America to fight. Considering what an asshole he was in Avengers vs. X-men, I find this refreshing and overdue.

While Steve Rogers is still fighting with a noble, non-inverted mind, he's still horribly under-equipped to battle Sam Wilson. This is a guy who is in his prime. He's like Aaron Rogers beating the shit out of Brett Favre. They're two heavyweights in their field, but one is way fucking past his prime and Steve doesn't have the luxury of going back to selling jeans. However, he does have the luxury of having an inverted Red Skull who happens to be a powerful telepath. That power allows them to sneak away with a nice psychic trick. There's even a nice moment where the Red Skull, who is now whiter than an albino's ass, to lament about all the horrible Nazi shit he's done. But that's one of the many details that gets glossed over. At this point, nobody should be surprised by that.

This leads Sam Wilson even more pissed off and maybe a little emasculated. While he's pondering the sudden shrinkage of his testicles, he catches up with some of his other inverted heroes. They've apparently succeeded in subduing most of the X-men and the inverted villains. Now they know that with Steve Rogers teaming up with an inverted Red Skull, he's planning to revert them back to the way they were. And they don't want that. They still want to keep being total assholes.

If anyone else is having a fuckton of WTFs going through their head right now, calm down. That's not the weed talking. That's just another one of those details this story has glossed over yet again. It's way too fucking rushed and a bit of a "fuck you" to the X-men and the villains that tried to be heroes. But that should surprise nobody. Marvel has already shown that they have a strong preference for the characters that their Disney overlords have movie rights to. So the best we can do is suck it up and take another bong hit.

Not all the inverted villains are completely down for the count though. Sabretooth and Mystique are still in it, albeit they both look like Rocky Balboa after one too many rounds with a meth-fueled Ivan Drago. They actually share a nice moment, one that speaks to their history of sharing the joys of being total assholes and fucking each others' brains out in the end. I still count that as a nice moment in the comics. These days, that's the most comprehensive romance we can expect from Marvel. But it's a moment that's short lived and a bit hallow because they both seem to know that they're about to get reverted. That doesn't stop Sabretooth from making one last romantic gesture by battling Rogue while Mystique gets away. It's not a box of chocolates and a new pair of lingerie, but it's fitting. I'm sure Mystique will pleasure herself to it for as long as her inversion lasts, which won't be much longer sadly.

Havok tries to throw in a romantic gesture of his own. Through this whole "take over New York City and exterminate the human race" endeavor that the X-men have undertaken, they've kept Wasp prisoner. Well Havok, who still harbors some love and a boner for her after the events of Planet X, decides that letting her die with the humans is too inverted for his tastes. So while the rest of the team is fighting the inverted Avengers and villains, he frees her.

There's just one big fucking problem with following his penis and his brain. And this time it doesn't involve cheap hookers and crack. She finds out that she and the X-men actually did try to detonate the gene bomb. They really did try to wipe out all of humanity. Needless to say, this pisses of Wasp and ensures Havok will never see her naked again. It's probably for the best. Given how forced and poorly developed this relationship has been, it couldn't have happened sooner. It only could've been better if Wasp kicked Havok in the balls and dry-humped Cyclops.

There are other far less romantic struggles going on. Hippie Deadpool, who stole the show in the last issue is still trying to get through to Apocalypse. Unlike the other X-men, an inversion with him might or might not make him evil. If I were to channel my inner asshole lawyer, I could technically argue that Apocalypse was inherently evil and the inversion actually made him good. There's still that issue of him making a fucking bomb to kill off humanity, but technicalities are supposed to be messy. It still doesn't make Hippie Deadpool's efforts to reach Apocalypse feel less forced.

But when it comes to the struggle between Thor and Loki, it rarely has to be forced. These two have fought in ways that have helped create two awesome Marvel movies. There really aren't too many ways it can't be awesome on some levels at this point. An inverted Loki follows Thor to the moon and tries to beat him without being a total asshole. This proves difficult so he finds Mjolnir, which is still on the moon and still has nobody worthy of lifting it (this takes place before Lady Thor took that title, I'm assuming). It might be the only time he gets to know what it feels like to wield a badass hammer and have the power to crush mountains and make the Enchantress horny. Inverted or not, he better fucking take that chance.

And he does. In his inverted form, Loki is worthy of lifting Thor's hammer and he puts it to good use. I want to say it's satisfying. It certainly is on some levels. However, it still feels somewhat hollow. Anyone who has seen the movies can probably surmise that it's not going to last. But like seeing Tom Cruise not come off as batshit crazy, it's something to enjoy and appreciate for however long it lasts. Just try to imagine Tom Hiddleston doing this while making out with Natalie Portman. It helps convey a much stronger message.

Back on Earth and without the aid of Tom Hiddleston's charisma, Steve Rogers gets the inverted Red Skull back to Avengers Mansion where they hope to undo the inversion with Onslaught's omega-level mind-fuck. However, the inverted Avengers find them first and decide to royally fuck that plan up as only they could. It gets messy and brutal to say the least. The same visceral action that began with Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson battling continues. It lacks the same emotional impact as Civil War did, but it's still somewhat satisfying. I won't say it's like the final battle in Lord of the Rings, but it's serviceable. It's not like every shot of whiskey has to come from the personal stash of the king of Scotland.

There's still some effort on Steve Rogers' part to get through to the inverted heroes. Apparently, he suffered a severe concussion because even a dictionary from the 1940s has a good definition of what inverted means. There was never a chance that he could touch Sam Wilson's inverted heart and make everything all peaches, cream, and whiskey again. But when Apocalypse and hippie Deadpool show up to fuck up the fight even more, that proves to be just as effective.

Don't panic. That new round of WTFs is to be expected. I'm just as confused as to how hippie Deadpool was able to reach Apocalypse and get him to help. I'm okay with that. I'm used to being confused. Normally it happens after I wake up in a crack house in another state, but it's still disorienting. It's another element that's more forced than Kelly Clarkson's continued relevance, but it helps keep the fight from getting too lopsided if nothing else.

Steve Rogers and the inverted Red Skull try to get away, using Apocalypse's contributions to their advantage. That doesn't last long. They barely make it far enough to take a bathroom break before the Superior Iron Man shows up. In another battle that's trying way too hard to copy Civil War, he battles Steve Rogers in an effort to prevent the reversion. He makes clear that he likes being superior. He likes being the kind of guy who turns an entire city into a population of addict supermodels full of orgies, drinking binges, and irresponsibility. Who among us here could blame him? It actually does ring with a touch of emotion because Tony Stark is one of those characters who has been most effected by the inversion. It just doesn't make up for all the other moments that were more forgettable than the True Blood finale.

It's now painfully clear that Steve Rogers is not equipped to protect the Red Skull or anyone to get an reversion spell going. Lucky for him, Dr. Doom shows up and he's got a mind-controlled Scarlet Witch at his disposal once more. He's there with Magneto and Quicksilver, which I imagine is still awkward as fuck considering the whole "You are NOT the father" issue that still has so many fans pissed off. But unlike last time, Dr. Doom isn't as inclined to use a mind-controlled Scarlet Witch to tear reality a new asshole and make Wanda Maximoff guilty of genocide.

With their arrival, Magneto subdues the Superior Iron Man. It's a lot more satisfying when Tony Stark is a bigger douche than usual. This even leads to another powerful moment where the inverted Red Skull helps hold Magneto back. It's a hell of a concept, a repentant Nazi telling Magneto not to kill a guy threatening to make Iron Man level mutant hunting Sentinels. It shows the true power of the inversion. It actually makes a Nazi opposed to killing. Let that sink in for a moment before bitching and moaning about the story as a whole.

With nobody left to stop them, Dr. Doom helps cast the reversion spell. It's not nearly as big a spectacle as it was early on in the story. But it's still plenty flashy for the stoner crowd to enjoy. However, there are some complications, as though spells cast by Dr. Doom and the Scarlet Witch are ever short of them. The Superior Iron Man, being the superior asshole he is, prepared for this and took precautions to make sure that he would stay superior. The details are lacking, but everybody who has been reading this story should be used to that shit at this point.

But it isn't just Iron Man who protects himself from the spell. Sabretooth and Havok are caught in his superior shit storm as well. That means these two aren't going to have the luxury of being reverted. So that ensures that everything won't go back to the way it was with Sabretooth taking a shit on Wolverine's grave and Havok looking for new opportunities to tell his brother to fuck off. It also means Iron Man will continue to be a lovably superior asshole. That may upset some, but I'd be way more upset if shit just went back to normal. That's too much like getting blackout drunk and not waking up safely in bed with no scars, strange smells, or naked women. It just defeats the purpose.

The spell is apparently successful. The heroes snap out of their inverted mind-fuck. Some don't even remember the crazy inverted shit they did. And villains like Loki go back to being assholes unworthy of lifting Mjolnir. There aren't a whole lot of details here in terms of showing how all the characters snap out of it. Nobody should expect something that refined and competent at this point in the story. But it does help make clear that Sabretooth is still inverted. And it makes painfully clear that Havok is still a bigger asshole than he was before, going so far as to threaten to kill Wasp if she doesn't get him out of this shit. So if anybody out there was a Wasp/Havok fan (all three of them I'm guessing), don't reach this scene. It essentially means their love is more dead than Hayden Christian's career as a Star Wars icon.

There are still a few big ass loose ends to deal with. The heroes may be back to normal, but there's still that little issue of the X-men taking over New York City and the Avengers fighting them in a way that caused more property damage than three Man of Steel movies. That's one detail that this story can't gloss over and claim it was One More Day style magic. However, there actually is a nice, semi-coherent explanation that helps absolve both the X-men and the Avengers. Before the battle, the inverted villains made a video claiming they were the ones responsible for taking over New York. They mind-fucked the heroes and got them to act like assholes. Given how mind-fucks are so common in the Marvel universe, it's not that far fetched. I'm sure the DEA comes up with way shittier excuses when doing a drug bust.

It's not the cleanest explanation, but I think it's plenty viable. I think it's even fitting. These villains became heroes. It's hard for anyone with a sober mind to wrap their head around that shit. But they did it and they showed the extent to which they had been inverted by actually making an overly heroic sacrifice to take responsibility for a crime they didn't do. They understood on some levels that if everyone blamed the X-men and the Avengers for what happened in New York, it would cause way more damage than any inverted hero or villain could cause. So they did what may be the most heroic act of all and took the blame. That's what a competent hero does. And more than anything else, I think that helps give this issue and this event some weight.

That's not to say there aren't still some loose ends. Some of them are partially addressed in an epilogue of sorts, which involves a still-inverted Sabretooth writing a letter about what he intended to do next. It's still hard to accept a version of Sabretooth that isn't an unrepentant asshole, especially after the events leading up to the Death of Wolverine. But in light of all these inversion sub-plots, it's somewhat palpable. Nobody should be too sick to their stomach at the idea of Sabretooth joining the Uncanny Avengers and attempting to be the hero that Wolverine was. Some still might require a barf bag and a shot of heroin, but the events of AXIS at least make it sound like an interesting prospect. It's just too bad Mystique couldn't join him because that would've been a way better romance than Havok and Wasp, even if that's not saying much.

So what can we say about Avengers and X-men: AXIS in the end? For an event that had such an interesting concept, but found a way to complicate it by giving a big middle finger to certain characters' history, it was complicated to say the least. Hell, this story was messier at times than a hotel room that Led Zepplin and Motley Crue used for a three-day orgy. But if nothing else, this final issue made AXIS feel like a complete story. It didn't completely revert everything back to the way it was before. Granted, it did have to sling a little bullshit to work around that whole bit about the X-men taking over New York City, but that's to be expected. Anyone not expecting a certain level of bullshit was expecting way too fucking much. But in the end, some of the same problems persisted.

If one flaw brought down AXIS, it was that it was just too damn rushed and too damn disorganized. There was no process to the inversion. There was little intricacy to the plan. And aside from the epic struggle at the end, some of the actions felt forced and unjustified. Maybe if this series had been a few more issues longer, it could've had more to work with. But in the end, it tried to do way too fucking much and had way too many fuck-ups along the way. I can't say it's bad. It was a lot more engaging than Avengers vs. X-men or Secret Wars. But it's not going to soak anyone's panties with its quality.

There are still some loose ends with certain characters, namely the Maximoff twins and Apocalypse. There are still some missed opportunities in that some characters just reverted back to themselves and this event might as well have not happened for them. But overall, I think there's enough gold around the shit stains to make this story worthy. It was lacking in heavy emotion, but it had plenty of ball-busting impact. Some are going to just hate this story because of the revelations surrounding the Maximoff twins. I can understand that, but that's petty. That's like hating the Guardians of the Galaxy movie just because Starlord's awesome mix didn't have any Lynord Skinner. If I were to recommend a big time Marvel event to a newbie, I wouldn't recommend something like Avengers and X-men: AXIS. But I still give Avengers and X-men: AXIS #9 a 6 out of 10. It's just slightly above mediocre. It's not the kind of event that'll make people want to shoot their TVs or gouge their eyes out. It's not the kind of event that'll make people hump their book shelf either. It's just a decent event in Marvel's long line of fucked up events. Take it for what it's worth. Just don't be an overly petty douche-bag about it. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Avengers and X-men: AXIS #8

We've become so accustomed to the whole good vs. evil struggle that we're practically numb to it. If this concept were heroin, it would take all the dope in Southeast Asia to get us the least bit high. That's why we've seen stories try more and more fucked up methods to make that struggle compelling. They could just come up with new ideas entirely. Isn't that the kind of shit they get paid for anyways? But that might make too much sense. They would rather find new ways to tell the same old story that's been told since the days when shitting in a ditch was considered sufficient plumbing. As inane as that is, Avengers and X-men: AXIS has found a way to make it interesting.

Setting aside for a moment the Hulk-level rage of fans regarding the Quicksilver/Scarlet Witch revelation, this story has explored new territory by inverting the roles of heroes and villains. It's still the same struggle we've seen since the Bronze Age. It's just turned on its head in a way that has a lot of appeal, but not a lot of refinement. And as the story has progressed, it continues to intrigue, albeit never as much as it could. But it's getting close to the end and Avengers and X-men: AXIS #8 is supposed to set up the final showdown between inverted heroes and inverted villains. It's already a foregone conclusion that most of the inversions will be reversed and we'll be right back where we started, but there are also supposed to be significant ramifications. I don't usually count anything other than Emma Frost coming out as a lesbian as significant, but I'll try to temper my expectations accordingly. Whenever bullshit magic spells that undo continuity, family ties and marriages are involved, there's really no other way to deal with it in a sober mind.

But before these inversions are reversed, there is still an opportunity for these inverted characters to do something with lasting impact. Now these are usually the opportunities Marvel throws away in the same way Donald Trump throws away one dollar bills, but some characters do take advantage of it. And remarkably, the character that makes the most of their inversion is the one who's crazier than a toilet of Gary Busey's shit.

At the end of the previous issue, Apocalypse and the X-men were set to ignite the Gene Bomb, thereby wiping out all of those annoying homo sapians who only ever seemed to sic giant robots on them. Spider-Man, being unable to fix his marriage and his reputation, had no chance of fixing the bomb. But Carnage, despite probably dropping out of high school, is able to stop it with a heroic sacrifice that involves surrounding it with his symbiote body. It's a powerful moment, yet at no point does Carnage seem out of character. It's by far the most powerful example of just how far this inversion has gone. Carnage, a character defined by his inability to take the right meds, made a heroic sacrifice. Something about that should put a smile on everyone's face in a way only matched by a good fart joke.

This powerful moment disrupts Apocalypse and the X-men's plan and they deal with it in the same way hockey players deal with disagreements. They fight. That's really as deep as it gets. They don't try to fix the Gene Bomb. They don't try to implement a backup plan. That might actually require some strategy and that shit's for World of Warcraft players only it seems. All they do is keep fighting the Astonishing Avengers/Inverted Villains and rough up Spider-Man. It's as effective as it sounds.

That ineffectiveness is further enhanced when the inverted Avengers show up. They already committed to killing the X-men in the previous issue. Now they're just getting around to it, completely ignoring the inverted villains that beat them to the punch. It sounds like one of those battles that should actually be pretty awesome because it means Thor is getting another chance to take on Apocalypse. And we saw in Uncanny Avengers just how awesome that shit could be. However, this rematch is about as pay-per-view worthy as a David Hasselhoff concert. All he does is say he's got a fancy axe that can crack Apocalypse's armor and that's about it. That's like Clint Eastwood giving a physics lecture on how a gun works before he shoots it. It's not information any of us need to know in a situation like this.

The fighting quickly becomes painfully generic. Most of it focuses on Thor dealing with his overwhelming rage boner. First he fights Apocalypse. Then he fights the X-men. Then he fights Absorbing Man. Then he fights Loki and the Enchantress. There's no rhyme or rhythm do it. If it were a rap battle, he'd have already lost. At the very least, it does have some sense of impact. As generic as the action is here, it's still pretty fucking visceral. There's a real sense of damage and impact. That in and of itself is pretty satisfying, but nothing that can't be found in a God of War game or a Mission Impossible movie.

Eventually, there is some method to the mindless fighting, but not on the part of Thor. In the end it's Loki and the Enchantress that end up utilizing the most effective strategy. Let me say that again for the sake of emphasis. Loki and the Enchantress are actually the most competent ones here. While that does help emphasize the impact of the inversion, it's still pretty fucking pathetic. And it's not like their strategy is worthy of a Bond villain. All they do is piss Thor enough to chase them into a portal that takes him to the moon. I guess it would've made too much sense to send him to the other side of the universe. I only said that Loki and the Enchantress were the most competent. I didn't mean to imply that competence went far.

This is the biggest shortcoming of all this fighting. It might be visceral, but it's lacking in depth. It's focusing on all the wrong things. This battle was supposed to be about stopping the X-men. Why the fuck does so much attention need to be paid to Thor? I get that he's one of the most powerful members of the team, but it's not like he steals the show in the Mel Gibson sense. There are so many other conflicts going on. Focusing on this just seems misguided. It doesn't help that they don't say much either other than, "I'm pissed! You pissed me off! You must die!" That might work during a Call of Duty co-op mission, but not during a battle like this.

There's still plenty of action unfolding beyond the fight. It's just the kind of action that's way too fucking late. So much of this began when someone broke the Red Skull out of SHIELD custody. But at this point, who the fuck remembers that? Eventually, the old and un-inverted Steve Rogers remembers. I guess old age hasn't fucked up his memory just yet. He also gets help from Jarvis, who has also been MIA since the Red Skull disappeared. It's taken way too fucking long for him to finally contribute to the story again. I guess he just had to wait until that gene bomb went off. Anything else would've made too much sense.

And even though his appearance is overdue, he only reminds Steve Rogers what has already been made painfully clear. The inversion has fucked everybody up. At this point, we don't another reminder. We need more details about how they're going to actually do something about it. Nobody needs to set the mood at this point. If this were a romance novel, it would be too much even for the Twilight books. Their role in this battle might be late, but at least they're not completely forgotten. Given the ADHD nature of these stories, it at least shows there's something of actual depth to explore here.

That depth still gets lost with more fighting. At this point, the Astonishing Avengers are even less relevant than before. More attention is paid to the battle between the inverted heroes because I guess Avengers vs. X-men didn't make us all sick enough of hero vs. hero battles. Some contributions are squeezed in, like Mystique shifting into Charles Xavier to try and convince Apocalypse to stand down. Seriously, did she really think that shit was going to work? Apocalypse is about as reasonable as Sean Hannity. She might have had a better effect by flashing her boobs at him. That would've made the fighting a lot more entertaining to say the least, but I guess that also would've made too much sense while being too sexy. And there's only so much of that my penis can take.

The fighting in Latveria is decidedly less sexy. This was the site of Marvel's latest bullshit retcon. Nobody's marriage got sold to the devil, but Marvel's lawyers did find a way to squeeze in a not-so-subtle "Fuck you!" to Fox when they completely rewrote the Maximoff twins' history. The Scarlet Witch seems to be the only one happy about it. And I guess happiness for her means going into a more murderous rampage. There are no more crazy revelations or retcons here. There's not even a hint at what the Maximoff twins' new history entails. It's just Wanda Maximoff being really pissed off and trying to kill her family while her brother pleads with her. It's as interesting as it sounds, but at least it won't crash the message boards.

It's easy to forget that this latest retcon shit storm began when the Scarlet Witch came to Latveria hoping to royally fuck Dr. Doom up for all the shit he did to her. I guess family issues take priority. I can respect that to some extent. But in doing so, she basically forgot about Dr. Doom and even in his inverted form, that's pretty fucking dumb. Somehow, while the Scarlet Witch was busy bitching and moaning at Magneto, Dr. Doom found the time to strike a deal to resurrect Dr. Voodoo so he could possess the Scarlet Witch. I'm not saying it's smart, getting someone to possess an overpowered and pissed off young woman who can fuck reality with a sentence fragment. I'm just saying that the bar for competence and strategy is very low at this point.

Again, it says a lot that the most competent characters here are villains like Carnage and Dr. Doom. That helps give the whole inversion concept its power. And while it had an emotional impact with Carnage, this one just feels a bit more contrived. Somehow in the middle of this battle, Dr. Doom is able to step away and cut a deal with one of Marvel's many mystical characters? That's a gross oversight that I would usually expect of George W. Bush, but not the Scarlet Witch. Maybe I'm giving her too much credit in her inverted state, but it still makes for an overly contrived strategy.

At this point, any kind of strategy would help the ongoing battle between the inverted heroes and the inverted villains. It's still painfully disorganized in that's only focusing on a few characters at a time and not giving a better understanding of the scope and scale of the battle, but it does move the story forward. At this point, the inverted Avengers are fighting both the X-men and the inverted villains. It's hard to really keep track of anyone. It's like paintball match that gets way out of hand once someone decides to use dog piss instead of paint, but far less entertaining.

Despite this lack of strategy and scope, the story still moves forward. At one point, Captain America (still Sam Wilson) finds out from Iron Man that they have a lead on the Red Skull. They're just now finding out that the X-men don't have him. So Iron Man decides to occupy himself with the Summers brothers while Captain America goes after the asshole who started this whole shit storm. I won't say it feels forced, but it's still way fucking overdue.

He eventually finds the Red Skull, but he's not so red anymore and he's made a new friend in the overly aged Steve Rogers. Now he's sporting a dull, gray look. He's now about as intimidating as a dust bunny, but that may only hint at the effect of the inversion on him. It may or may not be Charles Xavier. It may or may not be a guy who just had his Nazi-style douche-baggery inverted. At the very least, this chaotic battle is returning back to the source of the chaos. Sure, shit got way off track for a while. And sure, the entire human race almost got wiped out by a bomb that they needed Carnage to stop. But unless it involves Snooki's period, being really late is still better than being glossed over.

In my vast experience with bar fights and drunken brawls, I understand there's a fine line between fighting because someone made a "Yo' mama's so fat joke" that hit too close to home and fighting for the sake of fighting. The only thing the latter accomplishes is pissing off probation officers and jacking up health insurance premiums. As much as I hated how Avengers vs. X-men played out, I'll at least say the fighting was fairly meaningful to varying degrees. Some of those degrees were more contrived than the plot to the last Ninja Turtles movie, but that's besides the point. With this comic, the fighting isn't wholly contrived. But it's hard to understand the reasoning behind it.

I won't say it's as pointless as that time I picked a fight with a statue of Stonewall Jackson. In my defense, the statue was giving me a dirty look. But there really was no strategy or intrigue with this battle. The Astonishing Avengers really didn't do jack shit. The inverted Avengers just jacked up more insurance rates by getting involved. There were some powerful moments with Carnage's sacrifice. But beyond that, this kind of fighting only moved the story along ever so slightly. Not much really came of it. There was nothing about it that was egregiously wrong and there were no ball-busting retcons either. It was just mindless violence. I'm not against that, provided it's in a Michael Bay movie or a football game. I just like it to have a bit more depth and trash talk in a comic. I give Avengers and X-men AXIS #8 a 5 out of 10. It's not terrible. It's not going to soak anyone's panties either. Maybe for the finale, the inverted Avengers and X-men should get some trash talking advice from Richard Sherman. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Avengers and X-men: AXIS #7

For some people, it doesn't take much for them to say, "Fuck this, I'm doing this my way." The threshold varies from person to person. Some people have to lose a loved one or get a visit from a demon or an angel to get to that point. These people are pretty set. They're like creationists, but with functioning brain matter. Then there are those who will jump ship if the barista at Starbucks spells their name wrong. These are the petty, self-indulged assholes who often become supervillains in comics. Their threshold is even higher and their competence is even lower. Avengers and X-men: AXIS has exploited this notion like a child actor with a drug problem with varying degrees of success, but the concept itself is still appealing.

It took the collective mystical talents of Dr. Doom and the Scarlet Witch, but they really did it. The heroes of the Marvel universe had their, "Fuck it," moment and the villains had theirs. But unlike the villains, these heroes have a better track record of competence. The world being intact is proof of that. So what happens when they try to do the job the villains constantly fucked up? Well the X-men have already taken over Manhattan and the Avengers are looking to kill them. So yeah, the world is pretty fucked up. Avengers and X-men: AXIS #7 promises to explore that world and I'm ready to take the ride. I know I'll need a barf bag at times, but if it comes from eating too much comic-style bacon, it's worth it.

This world might suck on a large scale, but it's paradise for Cyclops-haters. Before the battle begins, he has a little brotherly chat with Havok. In it, he admits that he would sacrifice his wife in order to end the war. Now Havok has to do the same with Wasp. Since she's not a mutant, she's not going to survive Apocalypse's little gene bomb. But that doesn't bother Havok all that much it seems. There's no real tearful pleading or last-second change of heart. He just concedes that this is what has to be done. It's a dick move, but it once again shows the extent of the inversion in a meaningful way. Now I'll step aside for a moment and let the Cyclops-haters masturbate to this scene if they haven't already.

For those who don't need a box of tissues and a bathroom break, this brotherly discussion quickly gives way to yet another epic brawl. It's Avengers vs. X-men again, but there's a different setup here and it's not just because there's no Hope fucking Summers. These are not the regular Avengers. These are the Astonishing Avengers, made up primarily of inverted villains. They're now the only ones who can stop the X-men from going full frontal evil and wiping out the human race. In other words, humanity is fucked. But it still makes for an awesome spectacle, full of a unique brand of action that could never happen without the aid of bullshit magic. I know magic has had a shitty reputation thanks to Spider-Man and while the battle here doesn't redeem it, I feel it can at least take the paper bag off its head.

It's not the most epic battle in that it doesn't involve any cosmic forces of infinity gems, but it's not intended to be. Unlike the previous clash between the Avengers and X-men, there is actually a strategy here. It's a crazy concept, I know. But it's true. While the Astonishing Avengers battle the X-men, Spider-Man and an inverted Deadpool, complete with a new hippie view on life, slip into Apocalypse's ship to stop the gene bomb. This might be the only time I'll ever consider rooting for a hippie, but Deadpool actually finds a way to make being a hippie awesome. Let me say that again because I think it bears repeating. Deadpool made being a hippie awesome. I'll give some people a moment to sober up from that.

He's not the main focus of the battle. Hell, he's not even on top of this unfolding clusterfuck. But he's actually the one narrating some of this battle, complete with hippie-style rhetoric. It feels way out of place for a story like this, but it somehow works. It somehow makes impending genocide less morbid. And unlike most hippies, Deadpool is willing to do more than just sit around, drop acid, and pretend that it counts as doing something. He actually is willing to incur Apocalypse's wrath while Spider-Man stops the gene bomb. It's probably the first time anyone could ever use the word hippie and badass in the same sentence and keep a straight face.

Deadpool's hippie-style taunting helps give the overly one-sided battle that follows a unique tone. It's far more engaging than the "I'm evil so look at the size of my penis!" and "I'm good so my penis is inherently bigger!" type exchange. It helps spice up a battle that Deadpool, even in his non-hippie form, can't possibly win. This is fucking Apocalypse here. This is a guy who got into a bar brawl with Thor and battled him to a stalemate. How the fuck can Deadpool hope to compete with that? He can't, but he knows that and he knows it without the aid of being high. Again, he's the only hippie badass to ever exist.

As much fun as Deadpool's hippie-fueled smack-talk is, it doesn't buy Spider-Man enough time to stop the gene bomb. Remember, he's not superior anymore. That means he's not going to be as competent as he would if he were still an asshole. And nobody in the Marvel universe can seem to get anything done unless they're an asshole. Apocalypse forces the battle back outside into the non-Avengers vs. X-men clash. He roughs up Spider-Man a bit and I can't exactly cheer for him as much as I did hippie Deadpool. At least hippie Deadpool had personality. Spider-Man just tries to give Apocalypse a lesson in what evolution actually is. He might as well be debating a creationist. It makes Spider-Man's efforts feel downright bland.

Eventually, some of the X-men come to Apocalypse's aid and get Spider-Man away from him. They don't need him giving lectures on evolution. Leave that shit to the Bill Nye's of the world. It forces Carnage to come in and save him because once again, Spider-Man isn't superior anymore. Hell, he's barely above inferior in this fight. But he's still a hero here so I can't belittle him too much. I'll leave that to the Mary Jane and Gwen Stacy fans of the world.

Spider-Man isn't the only one who ends up needing saving either. Sabretooth, who I still have trouble seeing as anyone other than an asshole, attempts to take on the Summers brothers by himself. He even tries to throw in a jab using the recently-deceased Wolverine. He may have hated Wolverine, but even Sabretooth understands how much Wolverine hated all things Summers related. Inverted or not, he can get behind that. The problem is that he's still taking on a couple of Summers brothers who have Storm at their back. If Wolverine were still alive, he'd be laughing his ass off at how badly his efforts failed. I know the roles are supposed to be inverted here, but I just find any battle that ends with Sabretooth getting his ass kicked inherently awesome.

While this epic battle is still ground zero for the ongoing clusterfuck that is AXIS, there are smaller yet still fairly epic battles going on in other parts of the world. One other battle that has been unfolding involves the Scarlet Witch and Dr. Doom. Basically, the Scarlet Witch has gone full feminazi on Dr. Doom's patriarchal ass. She sees how he's now working with Magneto and Quicksilver and concludes that they all must die. Logical? Fuck no. But from a feminazi perspective, it makes perfect sense.

This is one of the few instances in this story where the lines of inversion become somewhat blurred. Because let's face it, Doom and Magneto deserve this shit from Wanda. For the crap they've put her through and the way they've used her, she really didn't need to be inverted to snap like this. She just needed to be pissed off enough. Well the inversion finally gave her the nudge she needed and now she can finally hulk out in a way that can't be attributed to PMS.

It's a visceral moment, but one that's somewhat muted by the Scarlet Witch's horrendous excuse for trash talk. She basically talks like a drunk Hydra agent when she's attacking Magneto, Quicksilver, and Dr. Doom. She calls herself the Queen of Chaos, blaming all her anger on her family and Doom. Sadly, it's not wholly inaccurate. They have caused at least 90 percent of her problems throughout her life. But the way she points that out is just devoid of emotion. There's no depth here from either side. It's just a battle between inversions that doesn't feel like it has that strong an impact.

But it's a battle that reveals what may or may not be a special "fuck you" to Fox and Bryan Singer. In her rage, the Scarlet Witch attempts to "purge" her bloodline so that she'll be free of the bullshit that her family heritage has caused her. It affects Quicksilver since he's her twin. However, it doesn't affect Magneto. She takes this to mean that Magneto is actually not her biological father. This would be a real middle finger to decades of continuity establishing her as Magneto's daughter, but then again Marvel has shown it's been willing to do that before with Spider-Man and Mary Jane. I don't see why they wouldn't do it with the Scarlet Witch. The bottom line here is Wanda is pissed and Marvel's Disney overlords want to stick it to Fox and their shitty X-men movies. Mission accomplished in both respects.

Between these raging battles, there's plenty of pending destruction and doom. So where the fuck are the inverted Avengers in all this? Does inverting them mean they prefer to sit around and jerk off to Game of Thrones reruns while these battles rage? That actually might make sense from an inverted standpoint, but they do have to take an interest in a battle that could result in the destruction of the world's non-mutant population.

That leads to a meeting between the inverted Avengers, which includes the newly Superior Iron Man and the Kluh, the inverted Hulk. None of these guys have done much to distinguish themselves in this story so this meeting has about as much excitement as a Mormon bake sale. But they don't need to really discuss much in the end. They all just take a vote and agree that the X-men need to die. That should solve the problem of the gene bomb. It's crude, but perfectly in line with their inverted reasoning. That means it'll be Avengers and non-Avengers alike vs. X-men. Seriously, it couldn't be less subtle without putting Brett Ratner's face on all the X-men.

At this point, it's starting to get pretty damn dark. But hippie Deadpool continues to provide the perfect antidote. He still continues to battle Apocalypse. He hasn't forgotten that he once helped save him when he was still the lovable yet insanely creepy kid, Genesis. It's probably the only instance in this battle thus far that carries significant emotional weight. And Deadpool, true to his hippie values, doesn't attempt to fight back that hard. He knows it's a losing battle. That probably makes him the most competent guy who has ever faced Apocalypse. And yes, I really wrote that. A hippie Deadpool has exercised competence. Now it's starting to feel like my brain is inverted.

It doesn't change the outcome for hippie Deadpool. As lovable as his hippie ramblings were, they're no match for a pissed off Apocalypse. Eventually, he literally loses his head, which I guess is as good a way as any to shut him up without going full Barakapool. It leaves Apocalypse and the X-men in a pretty good state. They've fought off the Astonishing Avengers. They've silenced a hippie. Now they're about to detonate the gene bomb and get rid of all these annoying humans. Overall, I'd say that's a pretty productive day, even by X-men standards. It couldn't have been more productive without Emma Frost buying a new thong.

There's nothing inverted about the tone of this story at this point. There's no subtlety, no build, and no process. The X-men have gone evil. The Avengers have gone evil. And the villains are trying to fill the role and doing only a marginal job of it. It makes for great action and spectacle, but it does so in a way that's like going from watching Inception to watching another Die Hard sequel. There's not much progression in between. And maybe we shouldn't expect that much because magic is involved here. If magic could be used to end a marriage and retcon two decades of comics without much detail, then it sure as hell could be used to invert heroes in the most extreme way possible without much detail.

So from a logistics perspective, the concept works and the story that comes from it is still plenty entertaining. Hippie Deadpool alone makes this issue worth buying. But it's still unsatisfying in the sense that the whole inversion happened so damn fast that we don't really get a chance to see the heroes and villains undergo the process. It just jumps straight into an orgy of hate, minus the lube. It's messy and rough, but still coherent for the most part. It has things for both a sober and non-sober mind to enjoy so I can't be that disappointed. That's why I give Avengers and X-men: AXIS #7 a 7 out of 10. I accept that certain elements of this inversion won't stick. Heroes will go back to being heroes and villains will go back to being villains. But if ever there was a time to make an exception, could we at least keep hippie Deadpool? He's the only character in any universe that could actually make hippies entertaining. Nuff said!

Anatomy of an Inversion: Magneto #12

The following is my review of Magneto #12, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Anyone who has ever dared to debate a creationist or argue with someone on an internet message board knows that most people will go to any length to avoid admitting they’re wrong. It’s probably the most painful act any person can do that doesn’t involve a lawyer. Sometimes the mere thought of being wrong is so traumatic that some people will practically lobotomize themselves to avoid even considering it. That obsessive aversion to avoid such a painful admission embodies many of the defining traits that make someone a villain. From Satan to Donald Trump, it’s a mentality that has spanned generations, civilizations, and culture.

This is what makes the concept of an “inversion,” as it has been defined in the ongoing events of Avengers and X-men: AXIS, so intriguing. It’s easier for a hero to become a villain for the same reason it’s easier to blow up a house than it is to build one. But for a villain to become a hero, they have to confront their flaws and actually admit that they’re wrong on some levels. They might as well be performing open heart surgery on themselves. This dramatic realization hasn’t been explored that much in Avengers and X-men: AXIS. However, the events of Magneto #12 that tie into this story offer insight into the actual process of this inversion. And the process, it turns out, is even more profound than the results.

In terms of the bigger picture, the story itself doesn’t reveal much more than what was already shown in the early events of Avengers and X-men: AXIS. That’s not to say it’s a glorified flashback. These events are given a different, more personal perspective by Magneto as he’s battling the Red Skull and the Sentinels. That’s not to say it’s not explosive and visceral either. There’s certainly no shortage of stories that have Magneto fighting Nazis and Sentinels. That has been the subject of at least half of his stories. What makes this struggle meaningful is how it establishes Magneto prior to the inversion.

He identifies himself as a villain. He associates himself with the team of villains he assembled to defy the Red Skull. He sees his part in this attack and that of his fellow villains as a strategy. The Red Skull probably always works under the assumption that the Captain Americas of the world will attack him at some point. He’s not nearly as likely to assume that a team of villains would attack. It would be like showing up to a gang war wearing clown costumes. The concept alone is so brazen that it leaves the other side too shocked.

Magneto and his team of villains stop short of putting on clown makeup, but their attack does the job from both a strategic and conceptual standpoint. Magneto is still a villain. He’s just a villain who has a grudge against Nazis and guys who rip out the brains of his deceased friends. But beyond being a villain, the story also re-establishes the decades-old divisions between Magneto and Charles Xavier. Now even though these divisions have been revisited more than a Simpsons rerun, it adds another dimension to the conflict that goes beyond labeling the guys superheroes regularly beat up.

While Magneto’s relationship with Charles Xavier and the X-men has been complicated over the years to the point of absurdity, he has still never once admitted that he was wrong. He still thinks Charles Xavier is crazy to think that mutants and humans could live in peace. A flashback with him, Charles, and Gabrielle Haller help explore this disagreement. It was among the first of an argument that Bryan Singer would eventually turn into a series of bad movies, but it established Magneto as the kind of guy who would sooner rip his own tongue out with a butter knife rather than admit he was wrong.

Then the inversion spell happens and Magneto experiences a moment of clarity nearly a century in the making. Like an alcoholic having endured one hangover too many, he awakens after the Red Skull’s defeat with a very different mentality. He now has a new understanding of what it means to be a villain and why it has turned his friends and family against him. It’s the kind of moment that is usually reserved for a made-for-TV movie on the Hallmark Channel, but it’s done in a way that feels genuine.

What makes it a truly powerful moment is the last message Charles Xavier gives Magneto before his mind fades again. Magneto goes out of his way to tell his friend he now understands the merits of hid ideas. He even comes to terms with his role as a villain in helping the X-men pursue it. But what makes this realization all the more painful isn’t the overflow of humility. It’s Xavier’s admission that Magneto might have been right all along. It couldn’t be a bigger case study in irony without being an Alanis Morissette song.

The irony and the emotions help give the whole inversion concept a sense of substance that has been lacking. It doesn’t just show how it changes the way a villain like Magneto thinks. It puts all the conflicts that helped make him a villain in a new context. It helps take away some of the magical elements of the inversion. It’s not just a spell that gives characters an excuse to be different. There is something else to it that can’t be accomplished with clones or mind-control and anything that can avoid resorting to clones and mind-control deserves credit.

What Magneto #12 accomplishes has little bearing on the overall events of Avengers and X-men: AXIS. However, it helps enrich the concepts of this event in ways no amount of killer robots or Nazis could ever match. It details the actual sobering journey of villains who become heroes. And like a recovering alcoholic, it’s a much harder journey to make. Nobody likes to admit they’re wrong. But when someone does find the strength, it makes for a rare, beautiful moment that has only become increasingly precious in this era of message boards and Kardashians.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Avengers and X-men: AXIS #6

There's a reason why asshole douche-bags tend to be the same people who become fortune 500 CEOs, career politicians, and used car salesman. As much as we despise them, these people know how to get shit done. Sure, it often involves blurring and/or shitting all over the ethical and moral boundaries that most reasonable people have. And sure, it often creates the kind of kind of collateral damage that that ruins lives. And sure, it also tends to...actually, I think I'll just stop right there because I don't need to make myself that depressed around the holidays. I'll just say that the traits of asshole douche-bags tend to make an impact and part of what has made Avengers and X-men: AXIS so intriguing is that it's giving the heroes a chance to do just that without resorting to mind-control or evil clones.

We've already seen how far they're willing to go once they shake off those annoying feelings of selflessness and compassion. The X-men have teamed up with Apocalypse and taken over Manhattan. Tony Stark has turned San Francisco into a perverse mix of Candy Crush and never-ending porno. It's been chaotic as fuck at times, so much so that it's hard to remember that the Red Skull is still on the loose. But that's part of what makes this bold new world so volatile. It helps kick up a different kind of shit storm in Avengers and X-men: AXIS #6. At this point, the Avengers and X-men aren't really that far away from getting a job as lobbyist for Goldman Sachs.

Even if the X-men got that job, they would suck at it because they wouldn't have the devious subtlety that is necessary for all soulless lobbyists. It just wasn't enough that the X-men teamed up with Apocalypse and took over Manhattan. They had to go the extra mile and broadcast to the world that they've claimed the Big Apple as a new mutant nation and no humans are allowed, except for maybe Jennifer Lawrence and Channing Tatum. They even go the extra mile, saying they have very little incentive to treat humans nicely. Having just come from a mutant concentration camp, it's hard to pin that solely on the inversion. But that's still not enough. The X-men had to help Apocalypse make a fucking bomb as well. That probably can be pinned on the inversion spell, but at this point it's more of an excuse than a detail. And I know from my experience with traffic cops that excuses are about as valuable as frozen dog shit.

So who would dare take a stand against a team of deranged X-men who have teamed up with Apocalypse and are willing to drop a bomb on humanity that'll do more than get them fined by the FCC? How about Mystique? No, that's not a joke. I know it sounds like one of those ideas I can only come up with after a certain number of bong hits, but that's what actually happens. Mystique is the one to try and confront the X-men and tell them this is fucked up.

Now bear with me here because it makes more sense than it actually sounds, even without the aid of a bong hit. Mystique was on Genosha. That means she was inverted. So were Nightcrawler and Rogue. And Apocalypse being the biblical ass that he is sent those two to deal with Mystique. It makes for a clash that perfectly captures the essence of the whole inversion concept. Mystique is the one saying this is wrong. Rogue and Nightcrawler just laugh it off and try to murder her ass with a smile. It really does sound like something that shouldn't work, but in the context of the inversion, it actually feels right. It finally conveys the kinds of compelling emotions that were so lacking from previous issues. Mystique is now a hero. Rogue and Nightcrawler are now villains. And somehow it's presented in a way that feels genuine and awesome. Maybe the weed has inverted parts of my brain, but it really does work here.

It's almost a shame that Sabretooth has to come in and ruin this overdue family moment. Like Mystique, he's inverted too. However, he doesn't come off quite as compelling as Mystique. That's mainly because there have been a number of cases in the past where Mystique has tried to be a hero. She's tried to help her kids (and failed miserably). She's tried to join the X-men (and failed miserably while sleeping with Iceman in the process). It's only in the past six years that she's become the kind of unrepentant sociopath who would usually masturbate to the idea of detonating a bomb on humanity. But Sabretooth has a long, rich history of being the kind of degenerate asshole who wouldn't just jerk off to the thought of detonating a bomb. He would film himself doing it while dancing to Justin Bieber music.

Nobody is going to ever buy Sabretooth being a hero any longer than a Seinfeld rerun, but again the inversion spell gives him a convenient excuse. That's really all he needs to save Mystique from getting the worst kind of family therapy outside Jerry Springer. He escapes with her into the Morlock tunnels, but the battle still served its purpose. It showed the extent of the inversion and did it in a way that actually felt compelling. And my liver couldn't be more relieved.

The same can't be said about Tony Stark's liver. In addition to launching his new Extremis 3.0 enterprise in the most lucrative and douchebaggy way possible, he started drinking again. We've already seen in the events of AXIS and Superior Iron Man why he had to stop drinking in the first place, but now that he's surrounded by beautiful women and a fuckton of money, who can blame him?

Well how about Daredevil? And unlike Mystique, no inversion spells or bong hits are required to understand this. He takes some time to cock-block Iron Man from his never-ending orgies and drinking to tell him that this new endeavor of his has been causing a fuckton of problems. I imagine the radio folks said the same thing to the guys making TV shows. But this is a bit less contrived and requires fewer lawyers. Daredevil just happens to be one, but it's not necessary for him to point out that charging for the Extremis 3.0 app has caused a crime wave that make the 80s crack wars look like a Sunday School picnic. Tony Stark's response? Meh, that's capitalism asshole. Yes, it's a total dick thing to say. And yes, it's totally true.

It leads to a second clash that actually carries with it some meaningful emotions. Like the battle with Mystique and her kids, the effects of the inversion are secondary in the sense that it reveals a deeper division. Tony Stark likens his product to other expensive goods that people love to steal, like plasma TVs. Sure, plasma TVs don't turn anyone into supermodels. They just let us common folk look at them. But it's not an invalid point. He has something here that is a luxury and like the kid who sold his kidney for an iPad, people will go to fucked up lengths to get it. But when was the last time Apple ever let anyone try a free sample of their shit? Sure, we can question Tony Stark's business practices. And sure, he's still an ass for beating up Daredevil and telling him to fuck off. But he's not entirely wrong here and that's part of what makes the whole inversion concept more compelling than just another excuse to get people fighting. Alcohol does the same thing.

Alcohol might have been a better option for the clash between Dr. Doom and the Scarlet Witch, if only because it would've made for more cursing. But in this case, the more meaningful impact of the inversion is interrupted by the fight. Dr. Doom, now inverted, is announcing to his people that he's been a real asshole dictator and he's willing to give democracy a try. Now at this point, it's clear that the whole inversion spell was pretty fucking potent because no dictator in history has ever, even at their most humble, just thrown up their hands and say, "Fuck it, I'm an ass. Let's do things America's way." Maybe that happens inside George W. Bush's wet dreams every now and then, but it doesn't happen without the aid of fucked up magic. And that's what makes the moment so important. It also makes it disappointing because the Scarlet Witch just randomly shows up and starts pitching a hissy fit.

There really isn't much depth to it. I can't even make a good PMS joke about it. I won't say it's completely random since the Scarlet Witch already hinted at her intentions in previous issues, but it feels like another excuse. She just starts whining about how Dr. Doom used her in the past. But seriously? She needed a fucking inversion spell to do that? She could've turned his asshole inside out without it and still come off as a hero. Like the other fights, it shows how much of an asshole the inversion has made the Scarlet Witch. It just doesn't do so with Tony Stark's swag or Rogue and Nightcrawler's passion. Maybe alcohol would've helped here too.

As helpful as alcohol often is in fucked up situations, Quicksilver is a close second. With help from Magneto, never one to stay out of affairs that allow him to fuck with his daughter's life, they're able to rescue Dr. Doom before he can completely lose all his dictatorial credibility. Sure, it pisses off the Scarlet Witch even more. But that's the kind of shit that happens at least once a week without the aid of an inversion spell. So in that sense, it reveals that not everything is totally fucked up in an inverted world. And we should all take some comfort in that.

We shouldn't take nearly as much comfort in the idea that an inverted Thor (the one with the penis and not the new one with the boobs) becomes a degenerate gambler whose idea of Valhalla is Las Vegas. To be fair, even the most inverted among us would still prefer Vegas as a close second to most versions of heaven, but that's besides the point. Like the other inverted heroes, Thor is taking some time to enjoy himself and piss off every casino owner on the strip. But unlike other degenerate gamblers, they can't unleash Joe Pecci on Thor and hope he walks out with a broken hand and missing testicle. However, I still think Joe Pecci would've fared better than Loki did.

This is another clash that has many of the same undertones as the one between Mystique and her kids. There's a family element to it that makes the inversion feel like more than just another excuse to get them fighting again for our amusement. Like Mystique, Loki has attempted to be less a dick at times. It rarely works out and this is no different. He even goes so far as to tell Thor he loves him like a brother and Thor's response is to punch him through a wall. I want to say that's typical brotherly affection on an Asgardian level, but it lacks the subtle Tom Hiddleston charisma to make more than a glorified bar fight. It still has all the right emotions, albeit inverted. It helps reinforce the effect of the inversion. And I think at this point, it needs no reinforcing. That still doesn't make Thor beating up Loki less satisfying.

Eventually, Loki has to escape because he knows he's never going to beat Thor when he's on a winning streak in Vegas. Too many hookers and fellow degenerate gamblers would have his back. So he's picked up by Spider-Man and what's left of the non-inverted heroes. They meet up with Steve Rogers, who helps get Loki up to speed on why the heroes are acting so fucked. He also adds that most of the non-inverted heroes are no longer in the picture because of the wonders of Pym particles. So yeah, they're that much more fucked.

The solution? First, they need to establish priorities. What's more important? The X-men packing an Apocalyptic bomb capable of wiping out all humans not carrying an X-gene or Thor's gambling streak? Loki would probably argue an inverted Thor on a gambling streak would be way more dangerous, but he would be outvoted because Steve Rogers has already assembled a team of inverted villains that have enough votes to overrule him. These inverted villains, as fucked up as it may seem, are now the de-facto Avengers. It once again shows the extent of the inversion without resorting to another fight. It may sound way too fucked up to work if it were a movie trailer, sort of like the LEGO Movie, but that doesn't stop it from being awesome.

If the point of this issue was to show just how fucked up heroes can be once they stop giving a shit, then it definitely succeeded. The message is pretty clear. When these heroes act like assholes, they're way better at it than ordinary villains. Could Magneto or Sinister have helped Apocalypse take over Manhattan this quickly and this efficiently? Could Loki have scared a casino into letting him win when most casinos would knock out the front teeth of anyone they suspected of counting cards? I think not. This issue finally starts providing the kind of details and refinement that previous issues lacked. The problem is they weren't exactly the details that were most vital.

Now I'm not saying this issue exchanged actual plot for a cupcake recipe or something that random, but it essentially moved the story forward without tying up too many loose ends from previous issues. We still don't get a clearer understanding of just what the fuck the inversion spell did and how the fuck others are reacting to it. But this issue reveals enough to let us know just how fucked everybody is. It still wasn't terribly concise. However, it conveyed all the right emotions and somehow found the time to join the party with Tony Stark. The story as a whole still needs refinement, but it's finally starting to sober up. I give Avengers and X-men #6 an 8 out of 10. Now it just needs to avoid the kind of hangover to be genuinely awesome. And if it's lucky, it won't wake up next to a blow-up doll and a stolen pig. Nuff said!