Worth Within Unworthiness: The Unworthy Thor #1

The following is my review of The Unworthy Thor #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Discussions over who is worthy and what constitutes worthiness in the first place is one of those topics that has consumed generations of Avengers fans. Go to any Avengers message board or comic book convention and chances are, there will be some people arguing what it means to be worthy, why Hulk can't lift Thor's hammer, and how someone could get around this rule.

This discussion even found its way into Avengers: Age of Ultron in a very tongue-in-cheek sort of way. It's clear that even Joss Whedon gets caught up in these discussions. He just has the resources and financial backing to turn it into a billion-dollar cinematic spectacle. Jason Aaron doesn't have those kinds of resources, but he did add a twist to the discussion when he made Thor Odinson unworthy to wield Mjolnir after the events of Original Sin.

That twist led to Jane Foster taking up the mantle of Thor. Her story is still one that is evolving in a way that continues the discussion over worthiness down a new path. However, Thor Odinson remains on a very different path and that's the path that The Unworthy Thor #1 explores. It has the feel of a story that's been brewing behind the scenes, but is only now ready to be served. It still feels late, overdue, and a little frustrating.

Despite this, it never feels stale. At a time when Jane Foster is flexing her worthiness like Namor at a beach, that's a remarkable accomplishment. Since becoming unworthy in Original Sin, Odinson carries himself less like a champion of Asgard and more like a whiny teenager who had his cell phone taken away. Aaron makes it a point to abandon that sentiment early, giving us an Odinson that is much more motivated and much less mopey.

The Unworthy Thor #1 puts Odinson right in the middle of brutal battle against the kinds of monsters he used to tear through on a boring Sunday afternoon. It doesn't just hit the ground running in terms of action, giving Oliver Copiel ample opportunity to create appropriately brutal visuals. It establishes that this former God of Thunder is learning the hard way what it means to be unworthy. He can't rely on his hammer or any enchanted weapon to carry him through a battle. He has to take a gut punches and blows to the jaw before he can think about the celebratory mead.

It's not just that he's unworthy of wielding Mjolnir. He's a weaker, more jaded Odinson who doesn't have the same power or ability he once did. He's already lost one of his arms. This means he has to fight that much harder to avoid losing more limbs. It helps bring out a different side of his character, one devoid of the nobility, poise, and bravado that once defined him. He actually resorts to biting his enemies now. That's as unworthy as it gets in battle.

Odinson definitely wields more drive and ambition. He's still not the same Thor that Chris Hemsworth did so much to bring to life in the movies, but we do see traces of that proud warrior throughout the narrative. That narrative isn't just restricted to brutal fighting with occasional biting either. Jason Aaron shifts the sequence of events around to add further context and this context actually goes a long way towards giving weight to the brutality.

Since Jane Foster picked up Mjolnir, the events of Original Sin and Secret Wars have been afterthoughts at best. There's just too much of an imperative to show why Jane Foster is so worthy of wielding the title of Thor. That's entirely understandable. It still leaves Odinson with little to work with.

By revisiting the site where he became unworthy, Aaron sets up an appropriate reunion between him and the new Watcher, who calls himself the Unseen. We still know him as Nick Fury, namely the one David Hasselhoff failed to turn into a viable movie franchise, but that only makes this connection all the more fitting. By having him be the one that gives Odinson a chance at being worthy again, it feels like an overdue continuation of the aftermath of Original Sin. Again, it's a story that feels late and overdue, but it never comes off as stale.

This sentiment helps make The Unworthy Thor #1 feel relevant in that it gives Odinson some badly-needed development that he hasn't gotten since he lost his hammer. It also makes this narrative feel somewhat disconnected and not just because Jane Foster is literally stealing his thunder. It feels like this story took too long to set up. Events like Original Sin and Secret Wars have been over for a while now. Reconnecting with those events at this point feel outdated.

Even if the timing is off, the narrative is still compelling. Jason Aaron still gives us a side of Odinson that is genuine and sincere. This is a character who lost a lot more than his favorite weapon. He lost a title and an identity. Now, he finally has the motivation and opportunity to follow a new path. This path doesn't require those same discussions of worthiness that make for such great fodder in the Avengers: Age of Ultron movie. It's uncharted territory for Odinson, but he's forging ahead and it's hard not to root for him.

Overall, The Unworthy Thor #1 creates a narrative that has the right impact. It gives us a former God of Thunder who has to fight harder and cope with being weaker than he's ever been before. It brings out some of his less noble traits, but he still carries himself like a warrior. He gets a chance to become more worthy and he jumps at that chance, if only to ensure he doesn't have to bite his enemies anymore.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

The Catalyst of a Genesis: Secret Wars #9

The following is my review of Secret Wars #9, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In physics, every major reaction requires a catalyst. Some require a light tap. Some require a metric ton of TNT. When it comes to re-shaping their entire comic universe, Marvel likes to ramp it up to a cosmic scale and then ramp it up a little more for good measure. Secret Wars certainly succeeded in establishing itself on this scale. But that was the easy part. Like making a cake with a nuclear bomb, the narrative got messy at times and subsequent delays didn't help.

However, the various elements that emerged on this massive scale are finally set to converge in Secret Wars #9 and the final product promises to be as succulent as all the cakes ever baked by Willy Wonka. Every issue and the tie-ins that spun out of these issues have been converging, setting the stage for a final battle that even Peter Jackson would find impressive. The main challenge is conveying the impact of such a battle without making it feel like Mythbusters rerun.

Secret Wars has had its flaws, but nobody can accuse Jonathan Hickman of not being thorough in establishing Battleworld and the god-like power of Dr. Doom. Between his attention to detail and the sheer breadth of the conflict, Hickman has channeled his inner Stanley Kubrick in crafting the perfect narrative.

So much of the narrative has been built around the scope of this world that Doom created and just as much effort was put into upsetting that order. It's been brewing in various forms through various plot-threads. Now, it all comes together in Secret Wars #9 to end Battleworld and foster the creation of a new Marvel universe. And the impact of this creation is akin to the aroma of freshly baked cookies on Christmas Eve.

Hickman dots the last of his I's and crosses the last of his T's. The big epic battles that unfolded in the previous issues set the stage for the final showdown between Dr. Doom, Reed Richards, and the few remaining characters who have survived to this point. Nothing is rushed. Nothing feels contrived. It's like pure spring water that hasn't been processed and package by a soft drink company. It's as refreshing as it sounds.

The fighting itself is visceral, but not just because of Esad Ribic's fine artwork. The drama, which has been marinating this story like a premium-quality flank steak, makes every word, every punch, and every off-hand comment by Spider-Man feel meaningful. Despite the delays, the teasers, and the trolling at various points, the impact is there and undeniably potent. It's not on the same level as the impact of seeing The Force Awakened after camping outside a theater for two weeks, but it's in the same time zone.

The primary source of that impact begins and ends with the classic clash between Dr. Doom and Reed Richards. It's one of the most famous conflicts in the history of Marvel and Secret Wars #9 adds another layer to that vast mythos. It effectively accomplishes what Tim Story and Josh Trank failed to do, despite having access to Rupert Murdock's pocketbook.

This clash, however, isn't just between two brilliant minds or two opposing philosophies. This is a conflict built around the core personalities of each character. Both are entirely convinced they're right. One of them just happens to have god-like power. That means this can't be a civil debate. It can't be something that's moderated by Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper. It has to come down to the core of both character.

It starts off lopsided. Reed comes armed only with the truth and his intellect. Dr. Doom has god-like power. That's like one side having a paper clip and the other having a nuclear bomb. But that god-like power ends up becoming a non-factor and not just because Reed subverts it. He doesn't even try to confront that power. He only tries to confront the man.

This is where the dramatic weight, along with Ribic's distinct art style, becomes the fudge icing on top of a plate of brownies. Take away the Doombots, the Fantasticars, the goofy costumes, and masks and you just have two personalities with the same goal. Both Reed Richards and Dr. Doom wanted to save a world that they knew was going to die. In their struggles, they reveal what drove them to do what they did. Neither comes off as inherently wrong, but Doom still comes off as exceedingly petty.

What makes the outcome satisfying is that neither side is humiliated or defeated. There's no scene where Dr. Doom vows horrible revenge on Reed, his family, and the next 10 generations of his descendants. Both actually manage to come out of the conflict better.

In the same mold, a renewed Marvel universe comes out of this conflict. It's not yet clear that it's completely free of incursions, retcons, and clones. But it's a world born from the clash between these two characters. It doesn't just feel like everything just snapped back to the way it was like the end of every sitcom made before 1987. This new Marvel universe feels like a beat up old Cadillac that got a much-needed makeover.

The rebirth of a new Marvel universe makes for a very satisfying conclusion, which has been the exception rather than the norm for man Marvel events. A story on the scope and scale of Secret Wars, complete with agonizing delays and multiple tie-ins, felt like one of those stories that could only ever have a forced, convoluted ending on par with the Seinfeld finale. But Hickman found a way to make it work and Ribic found a way to make it visually stunning.

In terms of accomplishments, this ranks right up there with revitalizing Robert Downy Jr.'s career as one Marvel's greatest. A year from now, nobody is going to remember the delays. Our collective attention spans barely last beyond a season of American Idol. The whole narrative of Secret Wars is now complete, polished, and worthy of its own trophy case.

Not every tie-in was satisfying. Not every character got a chance to shine. But the core narrative that culminated in Secret Wars #9 made it feel as though every character and sub-plot got a chance to contribute. Every moment carried some level of the dramatic weight. In the end, it made Secret Wars feel less like another event comic and more like a catalyst for the next stage of the Marvel mythos. The fact that it made readers feel better about forking over more of their hard-earned money to the Marvel enterprise is just a nice bonus for us and Disney's accountants.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Secret Wars #9: Nuff Said!

We don't like to admit it, but some things are actually worth the agonizing wait. Star Wars fans recently figured that out in the best possible way. The big difference with Secret Wars is that nobody is going to get shot over spoilers and Disney accountants won't be able to build castles of money from the sales. Due to all the bullshit delays that Secret Wars has endured, its ending can only have an impact comparable to prostate exam from a skilled, big-boobed nurse. If done right, it can be pretty awesome. If not, then the shit that comes out isn't going to be pretty. But even though it's several months overdue, I'm committed to reviewing Secret Wars #9 to determine whether the wait was worth it. If you're a Star Wars fan, I might suggest lowering the bar just a little.

Quick question, how do you fight a god-powered Dr. Doom? It sounds like a trick question, like how do you do the amount of blow Keith Richards does on a Saturday and survive. But it does have an answer. You use a fucking Infinity Gauntlet. That’s what Black Panther is packing and finally, it gives Doom a challenge. He can’t snap his neck like Cyclops or burn his ass to a crisp like Dr. Strange. He has to actually get off his ass and do something. I’m sure that’s a novel concept for any god.

Namor gets in on the action as well, throwing in a few punches. But seeing as how he gets his fucking head cut off after this in Squadron Supreme, it’s kind of bittersweet. At least he can die saying he banged Emma Frost and fought a god-powered Dr. Doom. A man who dies with that on his resume can die with some pride. That’s for damn sure.

But you don’t just need an Infinity Gauntlet to fuck with Dr. Doom’s perfect world. You just need to get into the head of the hot blonde he made his wife. Reed finally gets to confront Sue, who still believes Dr. Doom is her husband. She’s now insanely skeptical. To her credit, she doesn’t laugh or bust Reed’s balls with a ratchet. I tried telling a woman that I’m from a world where she wasn’t married to such a douche-bag. I got a kick in the balls and a face full of cheap beer. So no, it’s not an effective pick-up line.

Reed, being the super-genius he is, finds a way to make it work. He doesn’t immediately get Sue to call a heavenly divorce lawyer or anything. He just convinces her that this shit they call Battleworld ain’t right and he can fix that. The fact he says it with a manly fucking beard probably gives Sue enough reason to hear him out. And Reed’s balls are probably thankful.

With his balls intact, he ventures into the fucked up realm where Dr. Doom is keeping Molecule Man, also known as the source of Doom’s godly power. It’s not a pleasant place to be and Ultimate Reed doesn’t help. They come with the intention of ending Doom’s power. Ultimate Reed uses it as an opportunity for the Ultimate Universe to do one last dick move.

How fucked up is it that in a story where Dr. Doom has god-like power, Ultimate Reed is the biggest douche? It’s a testament to both his assholery and the shitty effect the Ultimate Universe has on characters. He thinks he can end his counterpart, take Molecule Man’s power for himself, and spread Ultimate Marvel’s shit to the omniverse. Molecule Man says, “Fuck that!” and turns him into a bunch of meat slices. It’s as satisfying as it sounds. It couldn’t be more satisfying if he turned his piss into vodka.

All this tampering with the source of Doom’s power is sure to get noticed at some point. It’s here where Dr. Doom realizes that as nice as god-like power is, sometimes god-like awareness is more useful. He finds out the hard way that Black Panther was just jerking him around and not in the fun way with the Infinity Gauntlet. He was just distracting him and it fucking worked. That’s right. He fucking outwitted a god-powered Doom. It’s not as impressive as Namor banging Emma Frost, but he’ll live after Secret Wars. He’ll have his chances to catch up.

After getting that cold glare from Sue, which only a hot blonde can deliver, Dr. Doom turns his godly capacity to get pissed off on Reed. And even the lawyers that work for Disney and Fox have to admit it. This is how Secret Wars had to culminate. And Molecule Man, sick of Dr. Doom’s shit, ensures this is an even fight. Dr. Doom can’t use his godly power to end it with the same ease as blocking an internet troll on Twitter. He has to do what most gods avoid doing and put some actual effort into confronting his failures. Somewhere out there, the ghost of Nietzsche is smiling.

This is the battle that everyone since Roger Corman has failed to put into a movie. It’s Reed Richards versus Dr. Doom, the Marvel equivalent of Foreman versus Ali. One is an egotistical dictator who thinks he can fix everything if only he had god like power. One is a super-genius who doesn’t need to be in order to point out how fucked up that idea is.

The clash here is epic, personal, and visceral. There’s no explosions. There’s no cute princess being held in chains. It’s just two men with decades of animosity, fighting in the most meaningful way that doesn’t involve a broken beer bottle. What makes it so satisfying is that in the end, even the god-powered Doom can’t deny it. Reed is still better than him. I don’t care how much godly power Doom has. That shit hurts him, but it makes fans like me squee like a John Oliver in a room full of kittens.

This final clash allows Molecule Man to deliver the final shot in this war, ending both Dr. Doom’s godly reign and Battleworld. He’s still the source of all the power. That means he can end this shit in ways that’ll make Michael Bay jizz his pants. In one big bang, he effectively ends Battleworld. It’s not like when Ultimate Marvel ended and it was more of a “good riddance, that shit was overdue” type feeling. This is more of a “whoa fuck, this deserve another beer!” type feeling. And for a series that has been subject to so many shitty delays, that’s saying something.

So Battleworld ends. That’s it, right? Marvel’s universe is over. They’re shutting down the comics and focusing only on movies, video games, and TV shows that rip off X-men, right? Unless you just came out of a 30-year coma, you have no excuse for being surprised when Black Panther wakes up in a new Marvel Universe. He had a fucking Infinity Gauntlet. Of course he survived.

When he wakes up, he arrives back in his home of Wakanda. The time period is unclear, but there’s no god-powered Dr. Doom in sight so something must have gone right. There’s no mud pit where Storm and Emma Frost are wrestling naked either, but nobody said it was perfect. He arrives just in time to see a vision for a new future for his people. For a guy who went toe-to-toe with Dr. Doom and survived, he’s earned it. I’m sure he still would’ve preferred that mud wrestling match between Storm and Emma, but what are you going to do?

Jump ahead another 8 months. Somewhere along the line, the entire mutant race got fucked over worse than anyone who invested in a Syrian time share scam. But also, some of the less shitty elements from Ultimate Marvel made it into this new universe. That includes, and is almost exclusive to, Miles Morales. He and Peter Parker can now rub elbows in a way that still pisses off racists on the internet, but just not as much. And since you never want to piss off racists too much, I’m going to call that a win.

But what the fuck exactly happened to create this new universe? Did Molecule Man always have the ability to just blow up Battleworld whenever he got bored with Dr. Doom’s shit? Could it really be that contrived? Given Marvel’s history, I certainly wouldn’t be shocked.

But praise Odin’s beard and Emma Frost’s tits! That’s not the case this time. We do get a pretty concise explanation for what happened, courtesy of Valeria Richards. Instead of using this power to make Dr. Doom a god-powered asshole, he channels it through Reed Richards to create entirely new universes from that power. He even is nice enough to heal Molecule Man in the process, something Dr. Doom never would’ve done unless it made Reed’s balls shrivel. They didn’t just fix the universe. They created new ones in the process. It’s like planting one seed and getting enough weed for 20 joints. It’s a beautiful thing.

It makes for a moment that’s actually happy and satisfying for the Richards family. Thanks to Josh Trank and a vendetta by Disney against anything they can’t exploit the fuck out of in their movies, the Fantastic Four haven’t had many. They’re a family again. They’re not dead. And unlike mutants, they haven’t been killed off, diseased, or sterilized. But they do have a new purpose now. Instead of just rubbing elbows with the Avengers and occasionally shitting all over the X-men, they’re just going to be a family and explore these new universes. Given all the ways they could’ve been screwed over by Secret Wars, this is the best thing they could’ve hoped for that didn’t involve puppies that shit chocolate.

But what about Dr. Doom? Did he get the divine screw-job he so rightly deserved? Nobody would shed a tear for his unholy ass if that happened. But those who picked up Invincible Iron Man already know this is not the case. In one last act that might have been an indirect middle finger from Reed, he heals Dr. Doom’s disfigured face. And he now wakes up in Latveria, looking far less menacing and much more fuckable. So in the end, everybody got a happy ending.

Except mutants. It still sucks to be a mutant, an X-man, or anything Bryan Singer and Brett Ratner have ever touched.

So...is it awesome?

Let me put it this way. That big-boobed nurse who gave that prostate exam I mentioned also had a nice ass. In another way, a simple fuck yes is appropriate. Star Wars fans might still scoff, but anyone who has endured the craptastic endings of Fear Itself and Avengers vs. X-men will take note. The delays, the tie-ins, and bullshit teasers that made the delays even worse became an afterthought in the end. And when you forget about that crap without the aid of a case of Jack Daniels, then that's how you know that Hickman and Ribic accomplished something here.

It's a classic clash, Dr. Doom and Reed Richards. At no point did it feel like Josh Trank and Tim Story were blowing each other behind the scenes. It's a culmination of a cosmic shit storm that might not have made all the shitty tie-ins better, but it made the end result pretty damn satisfying. The Marvel universe has been reborn and it doesn't feel like someone's grave got pissed on. Sure, the Ultimate universe died, but let's face it. That was a mercy killing at best. This new world may suck donkey balls for mutants, but the catalyst that created it in Secret Wars #9 is pretty damn awesome for all those involved.

Final Score: 10 out of 10

Ultimate (Overdue) Collapse: Ultimate End #5

The following is my review of Ultimate End #5, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

When Lindsey Lohan gets pulled over for another DUI, few are surprised. When DMX gets slapped with another paternity suit, few are shocked. These are events that people have become numb to because it's seen as all too common. Whatever innocence or reputation there once was is now as distant a memory as Vanilla Ice's music career. Sometimes it's just a product of new competition and an inability to keep up. Other times, it's a product of tragedy that can act as a cautionary tale for future generations.

When Kurt Cobain said, "It's better to burn out than fade away," he might as well have hand-written a warning note to Ultimate Marvel. At a time when flip-phones dominated the cell phone market, Ultimate Marvel was the hottest brand in comics. It became the gold standard for an entire industry. The quality of any superhero comic had to be measured against books like the Ultimates, Ultimate Spider-Man, and Ultimate X-men.

These books set the bar. They established what a great superhero comic ought to be. Then, like MC Hammer's bank account, it suffered a devastating decline from which it did not recover. If Ultimate Marvel were a drug addict, it would've overdosed years ago.

Now, after three failed relaunches and a complete destruction of everything that made Ultimate Marvel relevant, this world that once set the gold standard for Marvel is set to end. Fittingly enough, it's two most recognizable names, Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Bagley, act as the undertakers in its final issue. Ultimate End #5 is the last comic to carry the once-prominent Ultimate brand. But beyond being far more bitter than bittersweet, it fails once again to live up to that gold standard. In fact, it barely succeeds in living up to a copper standard.

Even as a tie-in for Secret Wars, Ultimate End as a whole only succeeds as a catalyst for putting Miles Morales in the mainline Marvel Universe, absent most of Ultimate Marvel's obscene amounts of baggage. And this success really only comes in Ultimate End #5. The previous four issues contributed next to nothing in this effort. All they did was put a bunch of 616 and Ultimate characters in the same domain, watch them bicker for reasons that are never fully explained, and pretend there's a plot.

It's the same tactic Michael Bay uses in movies that involve Megan Fox. The only difference is that Michael Bay movies make boatload of money and are actually entertaining at times. There's really not much entertainment value in Ultimate End. Other than Hawkeye getting deep-fried by Thor and Tony Stark literally arguing with himself, the story barely has the impact of a Simpsons rerun.

To this point, the 616 and Ultimate sides have just been bickering and arguing. It never feels sincere or dramatic. Every ounce of conflict in this story feels forced, as though there just had to be one last clash between 616 and Ultimate before Ultimate joined that big quarter bin in the sky. In addition to being forced, it's also rushed. If there is any chance at drama, it's glossed over in order to keep the conflict going. This story tries so hard to be a spectacle. It wants to be a fireworks show, but it's only armed with half a box of matches.

On top of the conflict being forced, the entire setup of Ultimate End was confusing and vague. There was no rhyme or reason as to how this particular group of 616 and Ultimate characters ended up in this segment of Battleworld. That made the conflict of the first four issues even more hollow. Ultimate End #5 finally offers an explanation of sorts, but it comes far too late to give the story any weight.

At the very least, the explanation offered in this story creates a solid connection with the overall narrative of Secret Wars. Miles Morales was one of the few survivors of the final incursion so he provided the catalyst for revealing the truth about this final Ultimate/616 conflict. That truth is still somewhat contrived. It basically amounts to a god-powered Dr. Doom taking a select group of 616 and Ultimate characters and throwing them into some random section of Battleworld the same way a kid throws a bunch of action figures in a microwave. It has only slightly more appeal than it sounds.

There is still a concerted effort on the part of Brian Michael Bendis to inject some dramatic weight into this moment. When both the Ultimate and 616 characters realize they're just melted bits of plastic in Dr. Doom's toy chest, it does end the meaningless conflict that has been unfolding for the past four issues. It just isn't in time for anyone to do much with it. If anything, it makes the first four issues of Ultimate End feel like one, prolonged missed opportunity.

Missed or not, the revelation triggers a montage of sorts that attempts to put the finality of the story into context. At the very least, it tries to focus on the happier times, absent the Ray Connors, the nerd Hulks, and the incest with the Maximoff twins. It does make for a solemn moment where we, the readers, are left to remember how rich and promising Ultimate once was. In doing so, however, it also reminds us just how drastically it declined as a whole. It's not just bittersweet. It's downright tragic.

Brian Michael Bendis can now say without reservation that he's the only Ultimate writer who resisted the urge to throw Ultimate Marvel into a blender. His work on Ultimate Spider-Man was the only sliver of the Ultimate universe that remained true to the overall themes of Ultimate Marvel. His efforts to remain true to those themes in Ultimate End are respectable. But like trying to make mullets a fashionable hair style again, his efforts can only go so far.

The ultimate tragedy of Ultimate End #5 is that it set goals that it had no chance of achieving. Like Homer Simpson attempting brain surgery, it was destined to get messy. It tried to encompass everything that once made Ultimate Marvel so appealing. It could only ever remind readers that this appeal ended years ago. Marvel just finally got around to making it official.

Final Score: 3 out of 10

Secret Wars #8: Nuff Said!

There aren't a lot of situations where I'm okay with delays. Whether it's my flight to Las Vegas or a traffic jam on the freeway or my latte at a coffee shop, I just have a low threshold for getting pissed. That said, I will tolerate delays to some extent in comics if the end result is sufficiently awesome. There just comes a point where that extent becomes so frustrating that I lose my capacity to give enough fucks.

Secret Wars #8 was supposed to come out three months ago. Fuck, it was supposed to be the final issue. Instead, someone at Marvel must have gotten some really shitty weed because their schedule has been more fucked than a Bangkok crack whore. But it's still a story that has been building and escalating in all the right ways. And damn it, I'm going to swallow my frustration, along with what's left of my Thanksgiving leftovers, to review this book for you lovely people.

You don’t need to know too much about the setup. There’s a big fucking battle raging. It’s Secret WARS, remember? There’s Spider-Man, Hulk, Sinister, Thors…pretty much everyone who can make a big fucking war and make it awesome. The last issue established the epic scale. If at this point you don’t appreciate it, you should probably lay off the Xanax.

That’s not to say there isn’t a larger strategy here. While the big ass war is unfolding outside Castle Doom, the two Reed Richards are trying to sneak in with help from Starlord. That goes about a s well as you would think. The fact they only got hit by a Hulk means they got off easy.

Speaking of Hulks, remember that big fucking Hellicarrier that arrived at the battle at the end of the previous issue? The one that, for a brief moment, looked like it was going to make Doom break a divine sweat? Well, it doesn’t matter if you forgot or were too stoned to care because Doom has something better than a Hellicarrier with Hulks. He has a giant fucking Thing to take them down. And no, that’s not a dick joke. But it ought to be.

The explosions, the destruction, and the fighting really don’t need much detail here. It’s like a big pair of tits. No words are needed to convey the awesome. And the arrival of a reanimated Galactus? I’ll let that speak for itself too.

It’s an epic battle on an epic scale that should give everyone an epic erection and/or pussy boner. But there are still a few finer details that ensure this battle will do more than just inconvenience Doom. The Richards duo and Starlord might have been hit by a Hulk, but when has that ever stopped them from landing? Like a North Korean airliner, they still get to their destination and crash in Castle Doom. Now they can fuck with Dr. Doom in a more subtle way. They can’t punch him in the balls, but they can give him a nasty rectal itch.

But who really wants to see two versions of Reed Richards get a rage boner for Dr. Doom? This is a Secret WAR god damn it! Let’s see some more war! A giant Thing and Galactus might make things too lopsided though. That’s why Thanos decides to finally join the fun, complete with the Annihilation Horde. This finally gets Dr. Doom to do something other than watch his world turn against him. It’s finally annoyed him to the point where he’s willing to get off his divine ass and act. Like having to take a piss during a football game, it’s annoying, but necessary.

It gets slightly less annoying for Doom when his pet Galactus makes the battle just a bit more uneven. It’s a little rushed, but not for the same reason a zord battle in a Power Rangers episode is rushed. When Thing finds out that it’s Franklin Richards whose piloting his Galactus zord, he’s no longer quite so eager to wreck Doom’s shit. In fact, he’s so un-eager that he lets Franklin finish him off.

It’s a powerful moment and there have been more than one in this series. Despite the annoying delays, this one still has an impact. Thing would rather die than take down someone he loves. That could be a dick joke as well, but it wouldn’t be a very funny one.

You know what is funny though? Starlord fighting the Black Swan. Why is it funny? Well, it’s not because Starlord has a lousy record in battles against sexy female villain types. It’s because he knows he’s outmatched. Hell, even his dick knows it. But he still carries himself with the kind of swag that makes him worthy of being played by Chris Pratt. Sure, he lets her kick his ass for a bit, but he’s got a plan and it doesn’t involve more dick jokes.

The non-sober crowd might not have noticed, but Starlord has been chewing on a tooth pick since this issue began. Since he’s neither a hillbilly nor a NASCAR fan, he has to have a reason for it. Well, that reason happens to have a name and he likes to remind people of that name. No, it’s not Kid Rock. It’s fucking Groot. You can just hear Vin Disel’s voice and how it soaks every pair of panties in a five-mile radius. On top of that, he grows to a level where he can do the kind of remodeling on Castle Doom that we don’t see outside of a Mythbusters special. It’s a very satisfying moment and I’d be shocked if this didn’t make Black Swan horny on some levels.

So Starlord is taking care of things on his end. He might even get laid if he’s really lucky. Reed Richards (at least one of them) might be able to say the same because while Castle Doom is crumbling like the Cleveland Browns’ season, Valeria manages to lead Sue to him. Now keep in mind, she’s still brainwashed into thinking she’s Dr. Doom’s queen and Battleworld is the only world that matters. Now, she’s face-to-face with Reed again. Not only that, he’s rocking an epic beard. I’d be shocked if even this version of Sue can keep her panties on for more than 15 minutes.

Sadly, it’s not the emotional reunion it could’ve been. It’s more of a teaser. And given how every issue of this series has been more delayed than a Guns N’ Roses album, it’s pretty frustrating. But it’s not completely shrugged off or thrown away off-panel. It’s not like this is an X-men comic.

There are some things that just can’t and shouldn’t be done off-panel. A clash between Thanos and Dr. Doom is one of them. Like a nude oil wrestling match between Jennifer Lawrence and Megan Fox, it cannot and should not be glossed over. Thanos has already annoyed the fuck out of Doom by breaking down the walls that separate Battleworld. And since he’s more merciful than most gods, Doom actually offers him a chance at redemption. If he just places faith in him, he’ll make him a new baron. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, right?

Well, Doom is not a Scientologist and Thanos is not Tom Cruise. So naturally, Thanos tells Doom to go fuck himself. That’s some pretty serious blasphemy and Dr. Doom deals with it the same way Saudi Arabia deals with it. He fucking offs Thanos with just as much ease as he offed a Cyclops-powered Phoenix. It’s every bit as badass as it sounds.

So again, the balance is now tipped in Doom’s favor. He’s the one with the god-like power. There’s only so much edge anyone can have over him. He’s now in a position to deal with this war the same way Bill Belichick deals with annoying journalists. He’s taken out Thanos and a giant Thing. With his kind of god-like power, what more can anyone throw at him that would be more than a mild cough?

Well, there’s always zombies. Never forget about zombies. Battleworld had a whole domain of them and as it just so happens, a portal opens that lets a whole fuckton of them come charging through. And if the Walking Dead has shown us anything, it’s that zombies make any fucked up situation more frustrating. A god-powered Doom isn’t immune to that.

But a portal of zombies alone isn’t enough to make a god-powered Dr. Doom worry. It’ll still annoy him, but not to the point where it’s anything more than extensive target practice. But that’s not all that comes through the portal. In addition to zombies, Namor and Black Panther show up and they’ve got something better than a trillion zombies. They’ve got a fucking Infinity Gauntlet. The list of things that’ll make a god-powered Dr. Doom shit himself is exceedingly short, but this has to be at the top, right along with an army of giant Hulks on meth.

So...is it awesome?

To this, I say a partial fuck yes! Any comic that has a giant monster Groot fight Galactus while Dr. Doom wastes Thanos like a fresh line of blow is awesome by default on some levels. Even shitty delays can't keep a moment like that from being pretty damn satisfying. But after the previous issue set up the kind of epic final battle that Peter Jackson probably jerks off to, this battle didn't exactly follow through. It didn't strike out, but it didn't hit a home run either. There's still plenty to enjoy. Like half a joint, it won't get you high, but it will put a smile on your face. Plus, the final issue still offers the possibility of a full-joint when it comes out...whenever the fuck that might be.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Secret Wars #7: Nuff said!

It's late as fuck, partially spoiled, and coming out at a time when some of us are still hung over from Halloween. But in the same way every mall in America assumes I want to do my Christmas shopping this early, I assume enough readers still give a shit about what's going on in Secret Wars. There are only a few issues left. Dr. Doom has already laid the foundation for screwing himself over. It's just a matter of actually getting there. But due to so many shitty delays, even a god-powered Doom only has the power to give so many fucks. I'll try to conjure as many fucks as possible as I review Secret Wars #7, but I'm not making any promises. At least not until I get the taste of Pumpkin Ale and tequila out of my mouth.

Right now, Doom is going to be the one who needs some ale and tequila of the very unholy variety. It's been brewing for a while, both in the tie-ins and in the main series. People are starting to suspect that a world where Doom is god just ain't right. And now, some of Marvel's mightiest heroes are channeling their inner Christopher Hitchens and rebelling against a god-powered Doom in ways that would make the entire Catholic Church shit themselves. One of them even has raised an army and marched right onto Doom's doorstep. Sure, it's only Maximus, whose about as menacing as a barista in a bad mood. But he's got a fucking army and people are actually following him. Now Doom is about to find out how Pat Robertson feels on an atheist message board.

It's not like Doom is twiddling his thumbs and laughing his ass off at idiots who write holy books in his name. He does see this shit storm brewing. He is aware that adherents are getting less and less willing to kiss his divine ass. But he still has god-like power and a smoking hot blonde in Sue Richards by his side. So he still has the edge. But even Sue suspects this isn't just Richard Dawkins publishing another god-bashing book. This is a real threat, right up there with the IRS threatening to audit a church.

While Doom is preparing his holy response, the battle below begins to unfold. It's pretty damn epic, albeit not on the same scale as the third Lord of the Rings movie. It still has battles that involve Sinister, Captain Marvel, and the Goblin Queen. To hell with elves and wizards. They don't look half a sexy as Madelyne Pryor.

Even without that epic scale, there are a few twist that will give Doom an even holier headache. Sinister decides he no longer has a boner for redheads and obscenely revealing outfits. He's now into blonds and with Captain Marvel's help, he turns on the Goblin Queen. I can't fault a guy for changing tastes. Goblin Queen might give you a good boner, but Captain Marvel will kick more ass. It's a hard choice for any man's penis, but in the heat of a battle, you go with the woman who kicks more ass.

But once again, a man who makes hard choices with his penis tends to get fucked over in the end. Sinister's betrayal doesn't go unnoticed. In fact, the end result is him getting his fucking head chopped off by one of Apocalypse's buddies. Now for Sinister, this is more of an inconvenience than a defeat. Granted, it's going to be a lot harder for him to have fun with Captain Marvel, but it still helps add to the visceral chaos of the battle.

That's really the point of this unfolding shit storm. This unholy order that Doom created in Battleworld is starting to fuck itself. His barons are betraying one another. Now, they're decapitating one another. That's not a formula for a stable order, no matter how holy you are. Doom may or may not realize that, but I imagine his ass is getting more sore by the nanosecond.

But Doom still has the edge, right? I mean it's not just that he has god-like power in a world that HE created. This guy snapped the next of a Phoenix-powered Cyclops. He also happens to have an army of Thors at his disposal. Surely ending an uprising like this should be as simple as ordering a pizza.

There's just one problem. Even the pizza boys are turning against him. Thor (the Jane Foster one) has been channeling her inner Christopher Hitchens as well. She's like Sam Harris giving a lecture at the Vatican, turning the Thor Corp against Doom. And if you read Thors #4, you know she succeeded and didn't even need to flash her boobs. Now, she's got the Thors going up against Doom as well. Surely, he can't snap all their necks.

The Thors add more chaos to the battle. There's hammers, explosions, firepower, and Sinister's head. It's definitely starting to escalate. It still doesn't feel quite as epic as it ought to. There are games of Starcraft that feel more epic, but not by much.

However, the arrival of the Thors does effectively nullify any edge Doom has with his barons. Apocalypse might have been able to end Sinister's treacherous ass before he fucked Doom's world up more than it already was, but can he do that against an army of Thors? Maybe the Thors are also mistaking him for Ivan Ooze because they think they can take his ass down. Sinister is still a useless head, but I get the sense he felt he made the right decision by not siding with Doom.

So now the Thors have turned against Doom. And his barons are cutting each other's heads off. He's still not completely fucked, right? He's still got godly power, a smoking hot blonde by his side, and armies of loyal minions. He basically has what the Vatican wishes it had back in the day before all this annoying enlightenment shit took hold. He's still got the edge, right?

Well if an army of Thors turning against him wasn't bad enough, how about an army of Hulks? That's right, the events of Contest of Champions did not come out in Doom's favor. Now, like a compulsive gambler in debt to Tony Soprano, they're coming to fuck him up and they're not just going to stop at breaking his legs. Any battle that has both Hulks and Thors in it is inherently epic. And at this point, no amount of godly power is going to keep Doom from shitting himself.

It's a hell of a battle that's unfolding. It has all the potential to be the most epic clash outside the new Star Wars movie. And it doesn't even involve Tony Stark shooting shit with giant guns...yet. But there are still elements of this battle unfolding behind the scenes that still don't think this is enough. Hulks and Thors are all well and good, but it's not going to kick Doom's ass in the way he deserves.

Enter Reed Richards...not one, but two of them. One is evil as fuck. One is pissed off to no end because Doom stole his wife and family. They're both working together with Starlord to cut off Doom's power and let all the people he's pissed off do the rest. It's not as brilliant as I would expect from Reed Richards, but I can't say I blame him for wanting to see Doom suffer.

And if all this isn't enough, because I guess there's just no such thing as overkill when it comes to a god-powered Doom, Reed is also coordinating with Namor and Black Panther. Sure, Namor laid waste to Wakanda while drunk on Phoenix power, but when they're facing a god-powered Doom, that's water under the bridge. They decide to take another piss on the foundation of Battleworld by blowing up one of the many barriers separating each domain. Why would they do that? Well it's going to piss Doom off even more so why not?

There's another reason why they do it. On the other side of this particular wall is a horde of zombies and dead heroes. Apparently, Doom is a Walking Dead fan and lets them roam in their own domain of Battleworld. They still don't like that though. There just aren't enough brains to enjoy in a domain like this. So when Black Panther and Namor show up offering them a chance to attack Doom and feast on his divinely delicious brain matter, they jump at the chance. Because he's already got Thors and Hulks opposing him. Why not throw zombies into the mix for good measure?

So...is it awesome?

That depends. Is it awesome for Dr. Doom? Well he's got Maximus leading an army against him. He's got the Thor corps turning on him. He's got his Barons back-stabbing one another. He's got not one, but two Reed Richards looking to fuck him over. And he's got a zombie army going after him as well. So for Doom, fuck no. This is shaping up to be as bad a day as any prostate exam or parole hearing. For everyone else, it's double shot of awesome that this overly-delayed event badly needed.

Given the size and scope of this event, it's hard to cover all the meaningful details. A lot of shit that happened in this issue unfolded in the tie-ins. So reading this issue without reading those is like watching only the second half of Full Metal Jacket. You're not going to get the bulk of the awesome. But it doesn't make the growing shit storm around Doom any less epic. So unless the delays have completely hindered your ability to give more than half a fuck, you'll enjoy this.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Secret Wars #6: Nuff Said!

NOTE: This is a new review format I'm trying. Since I originally intended to stop Scanned Thoughts after Secret Wars, I decided to try something else to cover the rest of the event. It's much shorter. And it may only be temporary. Let me know what you all think.

What happens when a drunk decides to share his opinions of an overly ambitious, obscenely delayed comic? Well, if that question has ever crossed your mind, congratulations. You’re in the right place and you might need to lay off the weed. It actually happened. It took over two fucking months, but Secret Wars #6 came out this week. And in an effort to create a fun, spoiler-filled rundown of this comic, I’ve prepared the following drunken rant. Enjoy!

So the survivors of 616 and Ultimate are fucking up Dr. Doom’s divinely ordered world. They’ve already managed to get Dr. Strange killed. And for some reason, an army of Thors isn’t enough to take down a tiny team of survivors. Either Dr. Doom is really shitty when it comes to managing god-like power or he should stick to Doombots. They don’t have badass hammers, but they don’t hesitate to get the job done.

He might be able to deal with having an inept army of Thors. It’s still more effective than a competent army of SHIELD agents. But can he deal with Valeria starting to suspect that a world where Doom is god just ain’t right? It’s hard to say, but I think Doom is going to really appreciate his Doombots more by the end of this.

Valeria might be a cute blond, but she knows how to make trouble. And it’s not the kind of trouble that involves school girls uniforms, middle-aged teachers, and anal lube. It looks like she’s actively looking for ways to screw Dr. Doom over, or at least figure out how he screwed multiple universes over. It could be just out of sheer, scientific curiosity, which is not unreasonable for a character like her. But she could also just be looking to fuck shit up as only cute blonds can. I’m sure Jennifer Lawrence would give Valeria her seal of approval.

So in the time since the survivors arrived up until Dr. Strange scattered them throughout Battleworld, Reed Richards and Evil Ultimate Reed Richards found a way to meet up. That’s not a question. That apparently happened and I have no fucking clue how. Maybe I’m just that drunk or maybe after all these delays, I’ve stopped giving a shit about those minor details. All I know is that Reed Richards looks shitty with a beard and Ultimate Reed Richards looks like meth addict with a bad case of pink eye. Yet somehow, I’d rather be locked in a room with that meth addict than Ultimate Reed Richards. Is that weird?

Valeria continues to be a naughty yet lovable blond. It’s not enough that she’s searching for ways to screw over Dr. Doom. She helps Spider-Man from both 616 and Ultimate in their efforts as well. She knows that a grown man and a teenage boy are going to trust a cute blond, even if she doesn’t flash her tits. She lets them do the dirty work of uncovering Dr. Doom’s dirty secrets. That way if they get caught, she can just give him the puppy-dog eyes and get away with it. It’s a dick move, but a brilliant dick move.

Peter and Miles enter the realm from which Doom draws his powers. That’s where they find Molecule Man, who looks as approachable as Gary Busey on a crack binge. But Miles Morales has a burger in his pocket. That gives them the ultimate leverage. Apparently, burgers are just that valuable in Battleworld. Go figure.

Not saying it’s unreasonable. A good burger is almost as good as god-like power. But Molecule Man basically confirms what we already know. Doom is using him to channel the power of the Benyonders. He’s basically akin to the plug we use for our cell phones. He’s dirty and underappreciated, but his importance can’t be understated.

Doom still isn’t aware how Valeria and the others are plotting to screw them over. He’s all-powerful, but not omniscient. He probably wishes he was because he has to chat with his Barons from other realms. They’re basically about as helpful as Comcast Customer Support. One of them is even working against him. Somehow, Sinister tracked down Captain Marvel and convinced her to have a drink with him. Either he’s the greatest smooth-talker in the history of the omniverse or Captain Marvel just really needed to get drunk in a world where Doom is god.

Even in death, Dr. Strange always expected that he would have to screw Doom over. Let’s face it, Doom is about as fit to be a god as I am to be the head of Alcoholics Anonymous. With his dying breath, Strange somehow managed to get Black Panther and Namor to the Isle of Agamatto, which I guess is Strange’s mystical version of a porno stash. Because he’s got some pretty forbidden shit in here. And by forbidden, I mean the kind of shit that could make Doom divinely shit himself.

What could possibly be in his collection that could undermine a god-powered Doom? How about a fucking Infinity Gauntlet? Yeah, that would do the trick. I’m pretty sure any god or wannabe god would piss themselves at the notion of someone wielding that kind of power. Hell, Namor is lucky that Black Panther doesn’t test it by turning him into shrimp cocktail for laying waste to Wakanda during Avengers vs. X-men. I guess in a world where Doom is a god, they can’t afford to be petty.

I’d love to see how a god-powered Doom takes on a pissed off Black Panther armed with an Infinity Gauntlet. Instead, I get Sue Richards telling Franklin a bedtime story. It’s a lame bedtime story in that it doesn’t have any unicorns that shit chocolate, but it does offer some background into the history Doom has created in this world. There’s no Reed Richards, but there is a Fantastic Four. And Dr. Doom made damn sure it happened his way. It’s like a fanfiction writer making his story become reality. I admit I’d do the same thing if I had Doom’s power.

So at some point, Thanos managed to get himself imprisoned. Guess without his Infinity Gauntlet, he’s just a giant purple scrotum. But he happens to have a cell next to Ben Grimm. He also happens to know that Doom created this world with the sole purpose of screwing the Fantastic Four over. And he did almost as good a job as Josh Trank. That’s more than enough to piss Thing off. So now he wants to screw Doom over too in addition to Valeria. Pretty sure he’s going to be divinely fucked soon enough.

So...is Secret Wars #6 awesome?

If I were to sober up and offer my most sincere assessment, then I would say not really. This issue moved the plot forward, but not much else. And after over a two-month delay, that’s more than a little disappointing. That’s like waiting in line for eight hours to see a new Star Wars movie only to find out at the end that Jar Jar is the main character. While this issue didn’t derail the whole event, it did make me give substantially fewer fucks about it. Between being annoyingly incohesive and distinctly underwhelming, I doubt anybody’s panties are getting wet from this. At the very least, it moves the story forward enough to know that Dr. Doom is about to get divinely screwed over. And honestly, that shit never gets old.

Final Score: 5 out of 10