A Most Worthy Milestone: The Mighty Thor #700

The following is my review of The Mighty Thor #700, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Whenever a comic reaches a major milestone, it seems obligated to do something big, flashy, and groundbreaking. More often than not, that can be more obstacle than opportunity. Obligation or not, these kinds of upheavals in a story cannot and should not be forced. That doesn't stop some from trying, but that also ensures the results will be mixed. That's exactly what makes The Mighty Thor #700 one of the most intriguing milestone issues of the past decade.

There's no need to force anything here. Jason Aaron has all the necessary pieces in place. What began several years ago in the final issue of Original Sin is set to culminate in The Mighty Thor #700. The concept of worthiness is now far beyond tired arguments of whether the Hulk, Superman, or Squirrel Girl can lift Mjolnir. It isn't just some mystical McGuffin meant to frustrate Thor, Odin, and all of Asgard, although it can come off as such.

Aaron often walks a fine line with Thor, one side being controversy and the other being contrivances. Jane Foster being Thor and wielding Mjolnir blurs that line to an extent that still bothers a certain segment of fans. However, even those fans can't deny the dramatic overtones that The Mighty Thor has conjured since Original Sin. It isn't just about a god struggling with unworthiness. It's about a dying mortal woman wielding the power of a god, knowing she's got little time left.

That time is exceedingly limited and The Mighty Thor #700 adds even more urgency for Jane Foster to make every swing of Mjolnir count. She's not the only one either. For a 50-page milestone issue, Aaron goes for broke by getting every corner of Thor's world involved and does so with an all-star cast of artists that includes the likes of Russell Dauterman, Walter Simonson, Oliver Copiel, and many more. That includes the past, present, and potential future of Asgard, Midgard, and everything in between. It's ambitious, but a worthy ambition befitting of any magic hammer.

There's a glut of material that touches on nearly every major player in Thor's world, from another major clash with Malekith to destructive fight with She-Hulk to a brief interlude with Frog Thor. All cards, including a few that haven't been played in a while, are on the table. They're all part of the same gamble to link every part of Thor's world into a singular conflict. That gamble doesn't necessarily hit the jackpot, but it does pay out in a lot of ways.

Despite all the many elements that find their way into The Mighty Thor #700, there are a few major connections to tie them together, some more so than others. Aaron digs deeper into the mythological foundations of Norse Mythology, literally to some extent, by setting the stage in Nornkeep. It gets even more literal as actual threads of fate start weaving various Thor-centered stories across the realms and across time.

These broad, diverse stories give a chance for every artist employed in this milestone issue to maximize their talent. Some utilize different themes, touching on the future of Thor and what lays in store for all those whose lives revolve around magic hammers. Others unfold in the present, which build on threads from previous issues leading up to The Mighty Thor #700. Some are colorful asides that don't add much to the overall plot, but belabor all things Thor in a way that feels necessary in an oversized issue.

This is where some of the ambition ends up overplaying the plot. Even though the connection of each plot has ties to the events in Nornkeep, those connections aren't always clear or concise. Some are so loose that it's hard to make sense of the role they play in the larger narrative. In addition, the scale of that narrative covers so many times, places, and hammer-centered battles that some end up feeling rushed. Even Jane Foster's battle against She-Hulk doesn't get the kind of elaborate smashing that most battles involving Hulk and Thor require.

Even with connections that are weak and rushed, at times, the direction of the story never gets derailed. Even after Frog Thor provides a little comic relief, the destination of each plot becomes clear. The conflict that begins in Nornkeep is set to spread through every realm, involving the likes of Maliketh, Loki, War Thor, and any number of divine forces that have been hit by Mjolnir one time too many. In that sense, the ambition serves to make The Mighty Thor #700 feel as epic as it needs to.

The worth of any milestone issue is measured in its ability to encompass the past, present, and future of a story. Given the size and scope of the story Aaron tells, The Mighty Thor #700 checks all the necessary boxes. There's a general sense, as well as a major teaser at one point, that the future of Thor is poised for upheaval. Jane Foster's battle with Hulks, gods, monsters, and cancer is about to culminate. Odinson is about to confront his agonizing unworthiness. Frog Thor is going to wade through some puddles. Everyone in Thor's world is poised to have their moment.

Ultimately, that's the most important aspect of any milestone issue. It should act like a catalyst and not an endpoint. It doesn't have to be a full-blown movie trailer, complete with heavy voice-overs and messy editing. It just has to make the journey thus far feel meaningful while making the journey ahead that much more appealing.

It may not have the loud explosions, coupled with heavy metal music, but The Mighty Thor #700 is plenty appealing in all the right ways. Worthiness may still be a hopelessly esoteric concept that fans will be arguing over on message boards for another 700 issues, but this one proves its worth, as only a Thor comic can.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Worthy of Unworthiness: Thor #1

The following is my review of Thor #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The concept of being worthy is as ambiguous as the concept of being weird. In the same way the concept of being weird breaks down considerably at a Marilyn Manson concert, the concept of being worthy breaks down when the standards become skewed. Since worthiness is the main basis by which Thor is able to wield his enchanted hammer, Mjolnir, its standards are often undefined. This may or may not be on purpose because defining such an ambiguous term is like trying to nail pudding to a tree. Its very nature alone makes it impossible. But that doesn’t mean it’s completely without substance.

That substance is the driving force of the story within Thor #1. The main concept of this re-launched title was already spoiled when Marvel announced that Thor would become a woman. The nuts and bolts of this concept still need to be screwed into place. The events of Original Sin did plenty to skew the standards of worthiness, almost as much as the NSA skews the standards of legality.

With one little whisper, the contents of which remain a mystery, Thor is no longer worthy to wield Mjolnir and a good chunk of this story is spent lamenting about it. That’s not to say he acts like a child that just lost his favorite teddy bear. The very idea that he is no longer worthy is more damaging than no longer having the most awesome hammer in the universe that isn’t used to smash watermelons. It creates a tense and somewhat solemn narrative for him and the other Asgardians, who are just as confounded by Thor’s inability to lift his hammer. It calls into question their own understanding of what it means to be worthy, further adding to the ambiguity.

That ambiguity is downright frustrating at times because the concept of worthiness is now somehow so skewed that even Odin, the man responsible for using worthiness as the sole criterion for wielding Mjolnir, cannot lift it. That would be like Donald Trump not being allowed to fire anybody. It’s a major blow that sends a major message. The problem is that the ambiguity of that message limits its impact.

The only real substance offered by this new crisis of unworthiness comes from a threat that’s completely unrelated to it. While everyone else is struggling to understand what worthiness even means, Malekith launches an invasion at some underwater facility with an arm of Frost Giants. It’s as generic and plain as a threat Thor can face without including corn flakes and vanilla ice cream, but it’s a threat that creates the most meaningful impact because it demonstrates just how unworthy Thor has become.

Armed with his hammer, Thor can usually handle Malekith and Frost Giants with ease and still have plenty of energy to snuggle with Natalie Portman. This time, he might as well be fighting a pack of hungry wolves with a feather duster. He tries to compensate by attacking with an ax, but that ax is no Mjolnir. The battle isn’t too lopsided, but Thor’s unworthiness is still on full display for all to see. He’s sloppy, he’s unfocused, and he’s overmatched. He’s essentially become this year’s version of the Oakland Raiders. If he can’t handle Malekith and a few Frost Giants, then his season is as lost as the Raiders.

This is the most powerful message of the story, revealing the extent of Thor’s unworthiness. While the concept remains painfully ambiguous, it’s at least slightly clearer why Thor is no longer fit to be wielding it. If Mjolnir were a judge on American Idol, Thor would have been one of those contestants that left the stage in tears. However, this message is only powerful to the extent that the battle with Malekith forced it. The generic nature of this threat, which basically amounts to Malekith seeking something he and his Dark Elf buddies lost long ago, makes it too easy to gloss over. It still serves its purpose, but it’s still the least compelling part of this story.

The intent of this story isn’t to just shock the world into revealing that Thor is now a woman. Its purpose is to establish just how unworthy Thor and the other Asgardians have become. In this, the story succeeds, even though it does little to clarify the whole concept of unworthiness. Like the concept of weirdness, it’s one of those things that will remain forever undefined. It isn’t until the end where the woman now worthy enough to wield Mjolnir shows up and demonstrates her worthiness. But unlike Thor’s defeat, it lacks the same impact.

This woman basically acts as one of those shadowy figures that show up in every spy movie, not revealing her identity or even hinting who she might be. She just shows up on the moon, grabs the hammer, and just like that she’s Thor. It’s conveyed as one of those ongoing mysteries that won’t be resolved in the beginning. While this does offer intrigue, it doesn’t give many reasons to really care much about this character or even understand why they’re more worthy than Thor or Odin. It doesn’t even matter that she’s a woman. She could just as easily be just some random guy and it would have the same impact.

That’s not to say the impact isn’t meaningful. The mystery-woman says it herself. The world needs a Thor. It doesn’t matter if a man or woman has that title. A hammer doesn’t care which body parts its wielder has, only that it can hit the nails at the right angle. That takes away from the whole novelty of Thor now being a woman, but it doesn’t take away from the more tragic themes explored in this book. Thor struggling with his unworthiness helps make the story in Thor #1 compelling. The new woman who becomes Thor might as well be an afterthought. It might not make this story completely unworthy. But like grading a test on a curve, it still skews the concept as a whole.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #3

I love vacations as much as the next drunk, but I’ve had more than a few go horribly wrong. Sometimes it happens because I stayed in a shitty hotel room that had no hot water, no cable, and more semen stains than towels. Sometimes it happens because someone accidentally brought light beer. I believe it should be legal to bludgeon those people with hammers, but there’s a difference between an honest accident and keeping a secret. For O5 Cyclops, he’s on a vacation that any Star Trek fan would gladly give their left testicle to go on. He’s cruising around the galaxy with his father, meeting hot alien girls and raiding Badoon space ships. It has made for the kind of quality father/son time that we don’t usually see in comics because apparently, quality father/son time is about as rare as vibranium.

But as well as Corsair has done for himself, he’s still keeping a secret from his son and that secret has to do with that lingering tidbit that has been touched on yet not explained: he’s supposed to be dead. O5 Cyclops isn’t old enough to understand that death is a revolving door at a discount whore house in the Marvel universe. He has no idea that his father has been beating off the Grim Reaper in secret. Sooner or later, he’s going to have to come clean and Cyclops #3 promises to leave him with little choice. I still say it’s not as egregious as bringing light beer to a family reunion, but that’s just me.

It might end up having to be sooner because while O5 Cyclops is a teenager, he’s not stupid. He’s going to pick up on signs that his father is keeping something from him. And being a teenager, he’s definitely going to pick up on it when it involves drugs. I’m not sure if he was subjected to the same anti-drug PSAs back in the past, but I imagine Charles Xavier made it a point to not have his X-men get high. In addition to his father possibly being a drug addict, he has also noticed that no matter where they go, some alien bounty hunter is there waiting to frame their heads and drink whiskey out of their empty skulls. Teenagers might not have the knowledge or experience of adults, but they’re smart enough to know when something just ain’t right.

O5 Cyclops, who had been documenting all the ways this shit ain’t right in a journal, hasn’t yet confronted his father about this issue. He doesn’t get much of a chance because while he’s still dressed in pajamas, their stolen Badoon ship decides to go batshit and they crash land on some planet with purple skies, blue trees, and three-headed cows. It’s basically the cover of a Jimi Hendrix album. But to O5 Cyclops’ credit, he doesn’t lose his shit. He’s an X-man. Planes and spaceships crashing is right up there will killer robots in basic X-men training. It’s a rough landing, as would be expected. Corsair assures his son that he has crashed plenty of times. Being a pilot and a space pirate, that’s not something to brag about. He even claims he has crashed on worse planets. Again, that’s nothing to brag about and O5 Cyclops is keen to remind him of that.

Once they emerge from the wreckage, they take in just how fucked they are. There’s no way the ship is going to fly again. They’re stranded on an alien planet with limited supplies and no hot alien women for them to seduce. It’s pretty bad. O5 Cyclops even admits that he’s scared. That’s saying a lot for a guy who recently got up in Gladiator’s face and told him to piss off. But it’s a nice way of showing that while he might be the leader of the X-men, he’s also still a teenager. That’s something we really don’t see much from adult Cyclops. It’s pretty hard when an adult Cyclops was doing things like leading the entire mutant race, fighting off Sentinels, and boning Emma Frost and Jean Grey. O5 Cyclops hasn’t become that man yet. He still leans on his father.

It’s pretty bad, but there’s another major reason why they should be prepared to shit their pants at a moment’s notice. Apparently, the reason why some alien thug bounty hunters were always waiting to pounce on them was because their stolen Badoon ship had a tracking gizmo on board. That means if someone is going to come by and rescue them, it’s going to be bounty hunters and not the space equivalent of the Coast Guard. It’s basically the premise of a much more exciting version of Cast Away.

This father/son road trip in space has now become an impromptu camping trip. It’s not the best circumstances under which to do a little father/son bonding, but it’s not the worst. Sure, it would help if they had some fishing poles and a six-pack of beer, but they find a way to make due. They set up a camp, start a fire, and learn the lay of the land. It’s not Bear Gryles in that they haven’t resorted to drinking their own piss yet, but there are no alien snakes or tigers yet. So it could definitely be worse.

Before the situation can get any worse, O5 Cyclops decides it’s probably as good a time as any to confront him about the drugs he’s been shooting up. He’s not in a place where he can just buy him some ice cream or a new X-box to shut him up. He has to come clean now. For O5 Cyclops, it’s overdue. But it’s even more overdue for everyone else because this has been an ongoing plot for a while now. Hints have been dropped, but explanations have been more lacking than the last two seasons of Heroes. Now Corsair, knowing a teenage son is prone to making some fucked up assumptions, comes clean.

He reveals that these drugs he’s taking aren’t the good kind that make people feel like they’re resting between Pamela Anderson’s breasts while sipping margaritas. These drugs are keeping him alive. He confirms what others pointed out during The Trial of Jean Grey. He was indeed dead. He was as dead as Adam Sandler’s chances of winning an Oscar. But he’s alive now and the only way for him to stay alive is to inject himself with illegal alien nanomachines that some alien authorities find scary as hell. That, or they just watched Termiantor and the Matrix way too much. It still sounds slightly less risky than some of the weight loss drugs I see advertised during football games.

But what gives this revelation emotional weight is the reason Corsair gives for keeping this from O5 Cyclops. He didn’t want to share the story about how he died. Seriously, who wants to tell that story? Who would even imagine that it would come up? For Corsair, this involves revealing more unpleasant stories about how O5 Cyclops has another brother, who happened to be ripped from his mother by D’ken before he killed her. It also involves revealing how his little brother went batshit crazy, went on a murder spree, and ended up killing him. O5 Cyclops just learned his father was alive. Now he has to deal with having a deranged little brother. That only promises to make it even harder around the holidays.

It’s not a bullshit reason to keep this sort of thing from his teenage son. It’s not like he kept knowledge about condoms and credit card debt from him. Corsair takes it even further though, saying that the rest of the Starjammers refused to just let him stay dead, another victim of his deranged son. So thanks to Hepzibah, they exhumed his body and brought him back to life with help from The Shrouded. I don’t know what The Shrouded is, but their work on resurrection must be sub-standard because they only brought him back to the point where he still needs drugs to keep himself alive. It’s either that or Corsair had a really lousy HMO.

This is a pretty important moment and not just because it’s touching in how a father comes clean to his son in a way that doesn’t involve one of them losing a limb like in Star Wars. It also closes a pretty gaping plot hole that had been lingering since The Trial of Jean Grey in that it revealed just how Corsair came back to life. There are enough egregious plot holes in comics these days. Each one that gets resolved, no matter how trivial, can only improve the tangled web of bullshit that is modern comics.

Now with this issue addressed, Corsair and O5 Cyclops and focus on more immediate concerns, namely Corsair’s limited supply of this drug that’s keeping him alive. He says he only has enough doses to keep him alive for another 27 days at the most. He basically has about as much time as it takes for someone to go through a typical play-through in Skyrim. That’s hardly enough time to help reassure a teenage boy that he’s not going to grow up to be a complete asshole, but that won’t stop him from trying.

Corsair doesn’t stop just at filling gaping plot holes either. He’s too much on a role, that or the drugs he’s taking are just that awesome. He goes onto explain why he never came back to Earth. He points out how being a slave in the Shi’ar slave pits and watching D’ken murder his wife in front of him fucked him up in ways that made him ill-suited to be a parent. It’s not an unreasonable excuse. When a man is that pissed off at aliens, he just can’t put in the time and energy necessary to raise his sons in a way that won’t scar them for life. It’s an emotional moment for Corsair and he hasn’t had many. It’s hard when he’s got a hot alien woman all over him, but it’s the kind of humility that goes a long ways, even with teenagers.

That’s not to say that O5 Cyclops shrugs it off. He rightly points out that as messed up as he was, his sons still needed him. He saw what his adult form became. That version of Cyclops probably could have benefited from having his father around. It’s a powerful moment and one that feels like it should have happened years ago because Cyclops has had moments with his father in the past. They’ve just never been done this well. But if seeing Gal Gadot in her Wonder Woman costume at Comic Con this year has taught me anything, awesome shit is worth waiting for.

It might be overdue, but it makes for a very satisfying moment. While this time didn’t involve hot alien women or epic battles against space pirates, it did something just as profound. It had a father/son moment full of painful secrets and unpleasant revelations that didn’t end in a Hamlet rip-off. Corsair and O5 Cyclops just had a nice, honest conversation in the midst of a shitty situation and it ended up with them getting closer. They may only have 27 days left so they don’t have time to be assholes to one another. It’s sad that it takes these kinds of fucked up circumstances for a father and son to share a meaningful story, but it’s still very satisfying. In an era where every hero and villain is so damn vindictive over some pretty petty shit, this is quite an accomplishment.

This had all the makings of one of those trips where someone enters the wrong address on a navigator, the car ends up running out of gas, and the actual destination is in the next time zone. Situations like this that involve usually end in the kind of yelling and death threats usually reserved for an episode of Jerry Springer. I’m sure most fathers would want to strangle their sons Homer Simpson style if they ended up stranded in the middle of nowhere and vice versa. But that’s not the situation we got with O5 Cyclops and Corsair. Instead, we got a quiet moment where Corsair comes clean to his son, revealing everything he had been keeping from him. In some ways this counts as a post-death bed confession of sorts, which I imagine is fairly common in the Marvel universe. Corsair tells his son how he died, why he didn’t return, and that he had a long lost brother that he never knew about. It’s some pretty heavy shit to lay on a teenager who already learned he grows up to be somewhat of an asshole. But it’s done in a way that is heartfelt and honest. This doesn’t lead to the usual, "You have betrayed me, father! I shall dedicate the rest of my life blaming you for all my problems!" It ends up bringing O5 Cyclops and his dad closer while also filling in some outstanding plot holes that have been lingering since The Trial of Jean Grey. It’s not going to astonish anybody with action or epic struggles. But it will give everybody that reads it a warm and fuzzy feeling inside in a way not found outside the ending of "Field of Dreams." Cyclops #3 gets a 9 out of 10. A story about a teenage boy hanging out with his father isn’t usually associated with great stories. But in this day and age where too many fathers end up becoming Darth Vadar and too many sons end up becoming George W. Bush, it’s epic in its own special way. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #2

I usually don’t like surprises that don’t involve a free lap dance, free beer, or a nipple slip from Jessica Alba. Not saying I hate them. I’m just saying that cocaine is a hell of a drug. Few surprises that don’t involve free beer are usually that pleasant. That’s part of what made Cyclops #1 such an awesome book. I had no idea what to expect when I read the first issue and not just because I sustained a concussion the previous night in an argument that involved Star Trek and pizza toppings…I think. This was one of those comics where it could have been really awesome or really shitty. More often than not, the outcome usually requires an air freshener at the very least. Not Cyclops #1. This new series succeeded in making O5 Cyclops more awesome and less brooding than his adult counterpart. It actually told a story about a teenage boy hanging out and having an awesome time with his father. Seriously, when was the last time we ever got a story about a teenage boy and his father that didn’t turn into a Dearth Vadar situation? Now we have a series that gives O5 Cyclops a chance to learn how to be awesome from his father and Corsair has a chance to be awesome in a way that doesn’t involve banging a hot alien cat woman. Everybody wins. That said, Cyclops #2 isn’t in a position to pleasantly surprise me the way the first one did. The bar is now higher and it’s hard to imagine how it will be matched without more hot alien cat women.

Minus hot alien cat women, an space road trip that involves seeing an alien form of the Grand Canyon, flying through space and collecting glowing alien bowling balls, and watching an alien form of cockfighting in an alien stadium is the next best thing. And just as he promised, Corsair takes his son to all these places and helps him enjoy the wonders of the galaxy. He even lets him land an alien ship. Seriously, what kind of father lets their teenage son pilot an alien ship? The awesome kind, that’s what.

It’s a great montage of father/son moments, complemented by some nice inner monologue from Cyclops. There are some references to Hamlet, but it all boils down to one simple realization. The universe is fucking amazing and his dad is fucking awesome. It would only be more awesome if his father weren’t keeping a secret from him. As was hinted at in the previous issue, Corsair isn’t exactly in peak condition, despite having a hot alien cat woman for a girlfriend. He has been taking these fancy drugs, which I’m sure the DEA would make illegal in a heartbeat, to keep himself alive. Seeing as how he was supposed to be dead up until the Trial of Jean Grey, this reveals that it’s still an ongoing issue. And it’s an issue that is bound to bite him in the ass at some point.

That doesn’t mean he’ll let it keep him from showing his son a good time during their little space road trip. Their next destination involves some place called Yrzt, which sounds like the sound a guy makes when someone shocks his balls with a taser. Not saying I’m speaking from personal experience. I’m just saying I’ve been in a Dutch brothel. Corsair describes this planet as the Las Vegas of the galaxy, which means it’s the kind of place where a pirate can drink, gamble, and bang alien prostitutes to his heart’s content. Again, what kind of father takes his teenage son to a place like that? The awesome kind, that’s what. While O5 Cyclops doesn’t get to see strippers with bad boob jobs and live shows involving Elvis impersonators, he does get to see naked aliens. Being a teenage boy, I’m sure he’ll still find that sexy.

Corsair then leads him into an alien bar. Admittedly, awesome parents don’t always follow the law, especially bullshit laws about drinking ages. But it happens to be closed and Corsair isn’t interested in getting his teenage son drunk off alien booze. Even an awesome dad isn’t that irresponsible. Instead, he’s there to visit an old associate, Baroque. He’s basically a cross between a sumo wrestler and a squid. There’s some hostility at first, but I guess that counts as a term of endearment among pirates and deviants. There’s even a nice little jab at Corsair having been dead recently, something that could have easily been glossed over, but has been a developing story since The Trial of Jean Grey. It’s a nice moment among deviants, hoping to discuss raiding, plundering, and alien boobs. There’s even a reference to strippers. What kind of father has experience with strippers? If I have to answer that again, then I’ll never get the point across.

It would have been nice if they were just there to talk about all the ways he bangs hot alien cat women with Baroque. He was getting a fresh batch of the drug that appears to be keeping him alive. The fact that he has to go to the black market and cash in favors from old friends shows that not only is he desperate, but health care in space sucks just as bad.

While Corsair and Baroque have their Breaking Bad moment, Baroque summons Vass. She’s another cute alien girl with green hair, blue skin, and red eyes and she’s supposed to keep O5 Cyclops occupied while the grown-ups talk. It doesn’t sound sexy, but for a teenage boy, it’s still sexy enough. Their parts might not even fit, but that’s not a deal breaker for most teenagers. If couch cushions could talk, they would verify my position. She’s supposed to show him the Senex. It sounds like an alien peep show, but Corsair deems it appropriate enough for his teenage son and that’s good enough.

It’s probably an uncomfortably awesome moment for O5 Cyclops, finally meeting a hot alien girl that’s more his age, assuming of course Vass is as old as she looks. I’m sure that’s just as common a problem in Yrzt as it is in Las Vegas. But they don’t end up doing anything that will inspire another shitty Species movie. They just have some simple innocent fun. Yes, teenagers are capable of doing that. Fox News just doesn’t bitch about it as often.

O5 Cyclops still doesn’t know about his father’s condition. How can he when a cute alien girl invites him into what looks like an alien diner. She even manages to get him a milkshake. O5 Cyclops is understandably skeptical at first, knowing that aliens couldn’t possibly have access to fresh milk and chocolate. For all he knows, this milkshake was made with alien semen and fungus. But since a cute alien girl is encouraging him, he does it. And remarkably, it tastes like a real chocolate milkshake. It makes for another awkward moment, which is to be expected with teenage boys and girls. It’s so cute that it’s bound to be ruined by something. But instead of parents or high school administrators, this one is ruined by Skrulls. I still say that high school administrators are worse.

It turns into a bar fight, minus the alcohol and vomit. O5 Cyclops may be on a road trip in space with his father, but trouble still finds him somehow. I imagine every teenager feels like that, but this time it’s more than just teen angst. Like a good aspiring Summers, he kicks some Skrull ass and protects the pretty alien girl. That’s enough to make any father proud. However, there’s a catch. This whole scenario was even more innocent than it seemed.

Turns out, the Senex isn’t quite as dirty as my perverse imagination led me to believe. It was just a glorified Danger Room where O5 Cyclops could enjoy the company of a hot alien women in a more comfortable setting. Okay, that sounded dirtier than it needed to be, but again there’s nothing about it that could be turned into freaky alien porn. It’s a little awkward, but given O5 Cyclops’s experience in the Danger Room, it doesn’t shock him as much as it would most teenage boys. It allows him and Vass to part ways on a positive note. If he’s lucky, Vass will think of him the next time she’s in the shower or whatever her species does for private time.

After they leave, Corsair and O5 Cyclops continue their little romp around Yrzt. While Corsair gets O5 Cyclops to try more alien food, he gives him a brief lesson in dealing with Skrulls. It’s not an unreasonable lesson to teach. He points out that his older self has dealt with them in the past and there are very few heroes in the future who haven’t had to deal with their shape-shifting douche-baggery. And since they are in space, there’s always a chance they could run into one of them disguised as an alien hooker. It’s even worse than ending up with a hooker that just likes to tie men up, steal their clothes, and pawn their cell phone. Maybe this is Corsair’s way of telling his son to avoid alien hookers. It’s way more effective than the sex ed I got in high school.

It would probably make for another uncomfortable father/son conversation so maybe O5 Cyclops should be relieved on some levels when they’re attacked by a bunch of alien bounty hunters. Being in the Las Vegas of space, it’s expected to have plenty of other deviants running around. Some of them have probably developed a hefty gambling debt and picking up a wanted pirate would help them get back to the tables. It makes for another battle, but this time it’s not simulated and there are no milkshakes. And unlike Corsair’s last battle, he doesn’t fare as well this time. To be fair, he’s not in peak physical condition. But it’s a nice reminder that he’s still a pirate.

Corsair might not be at the top of his game, but O5 Cyclops more than compensates. This time, he’s the one who gets to kick ass and he gets to do it outside of a simulation. In addition, it gives O5 Cyclops a chance to wield that Badoon sword he took in the previous issue. Why does Cyclops need a sword? Why the fuck not would be a better question? He puts both it and his optic blasts to good use, taking down the bounty hunters with a swagger that would probably soak the panties of every telepathic woman in a 1,000 light year radius. He might still be a teenager who is still awkward as fuck around girls, but he can still kick plenty of ass. I’m sure Corsair had to wipe away tears of joy after this.

O5 Cyclops, still oblivious to his father’s condition, leads him back to the ship and takes off. As far as he’s concerned, this was nothing more than that part of a road trip where they eat at the wrong diner, piss of the wrong people, and have to beat up a few douche-bags to get back on the road. But he got to meet a cute alien girl so I think that counts as a win-win. However, during the battle, Corsair lost the medication he had been using to keep himself alive. If that weren’t bad enough, another alien bounty hunter who is badly in need of a trip to the dentist has started tracking them. I guess that point on the road trip where everything starts going to hell is just around the corner.

The previous issue was a nice reminder of why Corsair embodies the awesome that makes Summers men so noble and so irresistible to beautiful women, especially telepaths and alien cat women. In one issue, he showed O5 Cyclops how to be a badass space pirate and make women horny at the same time. It’s a vital lesson for any teenager. But in this issue, it’s O5 Cyclops who got to step up and remind readers why he grows up to be the guy that bangs Emma Frost and Jean Grey. His father gets into trouble, but he’s able to save him. It’s another wonderful father/son moment in a series that has already had more than the last seven seasons of the Simpsons. It really shouldn’t be such a novel concept, telling stories about a teenage boy learning to be a better man from his father. Yet in an era where Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin are seen as the most competent father figures, that’s exactly what this comic conveys. Now that father/son relationship promises to face some significant new challenges and it doesn’t just involve wading through a sea of panties. There’s so much to enjoy in the present and so much to look forward to with this series. That’s why I give Cyclops #2 a 9 out of 10. I honestly didn’t expect this series to be this good, but like finding a bag of weed in my couch cushion, I welcome the awesome it brings. Nuff said!

Like Father Like Son: Cyclops #1

The following is my review of Cyclops #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Being a father is like being President of the United States, minus the lifetime salary and personal jets. When things are bad, they get all of the blame. When things are good, they get none of the praise. They’re both firmly in the Rodney Dangerfield categories for both ordinary people and superheroes. It’s no coincidence that whenever some kid turns into a deviant or some disturbed individual becomes a supervillain, the first step for any psychiatrist is to blame parents. And 9 times out of 10, the father is the one that gets the blame. In most cases it’s not fair. At some point, circumstances need to be taken into account and few families have had crazier circumstances than the Summers family.

Throughout the history of the X-men, the Summers family has been one part Roosevelt and two parts Kennedy. They are charismatic leaders with very human flaws that can lead to great victories in the battlefield and great shame in the tabloids. That’s a big part of their appeal and that appeal is the main selling point for Cyclops #1. Due the colorful and exceedingly convoluted history of the Summers clan, Cyclops and his father, Corsair, have rarely had chance to squeeze in some bonding time. They’re usually too busy leading their respective teams into battle or getting caught up with beautiful women. Now another set of crazy circumstances has given them a chance to actually be a real father/son unit with the time-displaced Cyclops deciding to stick around with his father after finding out he was alive in the events of The Trial of Jean Grey. The mere fact that time travel is necessary for Cyclops and Corsair to have some family bonding time is a testament to the extent their history is convoluted, but that doesn’t make it any less meaningful.

The time displaced Cyclops comes into this new series with a lot of emotional baggage, little of which involved his father not being there. There isn’t a sense of bitterness or neglect. Cyclops doesn’t blame his father for his problems and Corsair isn’t obsessing over making up for all of his mistakes. In other words, it’s almost the exact opposite of the narrative a father/son story often takes. At its core, it involves a teenage boy trying to be a better man and a man trying to figure out how he’s going to be a father to a teenage boy. The fact that this is all taking place in space with hostile Badoon ships is almost secondary. That alone demonstrates how well the narrative unfolds.

It’s a theme that almost seems too optimistic and upbeat for the circumstances. It stands in stark contrast to the distressing events that Cyclops has been dealing with. Since All New X-men began, he has revelation after revelation, each more unpleasant than the last. He finds out that the girl he loves ends up dying, the team he leads turns against him, and the man who taught him how to be a hero died by his hands. He hasn’t really had a chance to just be a teenager. The X-men began as teenagers. Mutant powers are a metaphor for the changes everyone undergoes as a teenager. Being with his father and the Starjammers gives him the chance to be that teenager. It even gives him a chance to entertain his inner sci-fi geek. He may be the future leader of the X-men, but he’s still a teenager at heart.

That’s not to say there isn’t some lingering angst from these long string of unpleasant revelations. He still can’t seem to write one complete letter to Jean Grey. He’s also still deeply disturbed by the man he grows up to be. This is the biggest issue for him. He doesn’t want to grow up to be the Cyclops that is currently a fugitive from SHIELD and wanted for murdering Charles Xavier. At one point, he lists all the things he wanted to be as a kid. It’s a list most kids make at some point. Astronaut and pirate are usually somewhere on that list along with ninja and cyborg. But unlike most kids, Cyclops is trust into the role of an astronaut and a pirate. And unlike most teenagers, he handles it in relatively mature way.

In this desire to be a better man, Cyclops turns to his father for inspiration. Again, it’s basically the opposite of the typical father/son narrative. That’s a big part of what makes it so compelling. When was the last time a story involved a confused teenager looking to his father to be great rather than rebelling against him? Moreover, when was the last time a story involved a father that actually rose to the challenge? While this issue might not contain quality parenting tips, it does create a unique and cautiously optimistic father/son dynamic between Cyclops and Corsair.

That’s not to say Corsair doesn’t have his share of angst as well. While Cyclops may be the one narrating the story, Corsair freely admits that he’s not sure how to be a father to a teenage son. Most fathers would probably share that angst. But being a Summers, he doesn’t run from the challenge. He confronts it and that involves letting Cyclops be part of a raid on a Badoon ship. Granted, it probably qualifies as being an irresponsible parent on multiple levels. But it certainly helps endear him to his teenage son. That alone is a greater accomplishment than raiding any alien ship.

The whole of Cyclops #1 is an accomplishment. This is a story that could have easily become just another story about a messed up teenage boy and an overwhelmed father. There are enough sitcoms, movies, and Star Wars rip-offs telling that story. This takes a different approach. It shouldn’t feel so novel, a teenage boy spending time with his father and learning to become a better man. But that’s what this comic accomplishes. In that sense, there might yet still be hope for fathers of teenage boys everywhere.

Final Score: 10 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #1

Let’s face it. Shitty fathers have gone from a serious issue to a defacto excuse every time some teenage boy gets drunk and crashes his car into the neighbor’s pool or some girl gets drunk and bangs half the football team. It’s always the father’s fault. Somehow, he didn’t love them enough to make them not want to have too much fun. That’s not to say fathers can’t fuck their kids up. They can. But I prefer to think that it’s more a matter of kids being surrounded by fucked up adults in general. So I look at Cyclops’ many problems and I can’t blame even a quarter of them on his dad being absent. The guy was abducted by aliens for crying out loud. That couldn’t be a more valid excuse without being abducted by Nazis. But during The Trial of Jean Grey, O5 Cyclops learned that his father was alive and decided to hang out with him while he plays Han Solo with the Starjammers. All I’ll say about that is it beats the shit out of fishing. There’s a lot of stuff Corsair has to teach to his son, including how he’s now banging some hot alien cat chick. And since it can’t all be contained in an arc or two of All New X-men, we’re now getting a full blown Cyclops solo series by Greg Rucka. Still not sure that’s going to be big enough for O5 Cyclops to work out his father issues, but it’s Cyclops and Corsair kicking ass in space. It all starts in Cyclops #1 and I’ve made sure my ass is ready.

But before any ass-kicking can begin, O5 Cyclops needs to learn the basics of functioning in space. Unlike his older counterpart, the most experience he has with aliens probably involves Halloween costumes and action figures. Now he’s hovering around in space getting instructions from Hepzibah, his father’s sexy cat-lady girlfriend and sort-of stepmom. Is it awkward? Probably. But let’s face it, there are worse ways to learn how to spacewalk and few of those ways involve sexy cat-women.

It’s a pretty simple lesson, yet O5 Cyclops still finds a way to screw it up, showing once again that he’s a teenager. If there’s a way to fuck something up, he’ll find it. It just involves using his optic blasts to navigate space without a jet pack. It’s actually a nice lesson in physics until he crashes into the damn ship. Again, he’s a teenager. They’re not known for being fully aware of their surroundings, especially when sexy cat women are in close proximity. But beyond teenage clumsiness, O5 Cyclops narrates the whole ordeal and offers some great insight into his current mentality. He’s still dumbstruck that his dad is alive, pissed off at the man he grows up to be, and confused about all things related to Jean Grey. Because apparently being a teenager isn’t confusing enough, this is what he has to deal with. And to his credit, O5 Cyclops handles it better than most teenagers handle calculus exams.

When he’s done with his spacewalk training, he returns to the Starjammer for some typical teenage brooding. It doesn’t matter that he’s in deep space with his space pirate father and sexy cat-lady girlfriend. He’s still a teenager. He’s going to fucking brood no matter what the circumstances. But beyond the typical confusing cocktail of hormones and destructive impulses, O5 Cyclops is still a kid on many levels.

It shows in more telling narration. He dwells on all the things he wanted to be growing up. It’s not a unique list. He wanted to be an astronaut, a pirate, and a hero. This, of course, was all before he learned about the more unpleasant sides of these dream occupations, like having to take a shit in zero gravity, dealing with scurvy, and having to work with other heroes like Wolverine. It’s the kind of wide-eyed optimism that most kids have at some point and the kind Cyclops hasn’t had since the Nixon administration. But the biggest sticking point for him is that he doesn’t like the man he became. Sure, that man married Jean Grey, banged Emma Frost, and saved the entire fucking mutant race. Nobody ever said teenagers had reasonable standards. But he wants to be better and that’s pretty damn noble for a sixteen-year-old.

Beyond the teenage brooding, there are more adult issues to deal with. And in a story involving a sexy cat-lady, this can only be a good thing. Corsair is busy getting a checkup from Sikorsky, a bug/doctor. I want to say I’m making that up, but I’m pretty sure my weed isn’t quite that potent. It’s the first hint at what might have happened to bring Corsair back from the dead. I may be a drunk, but I do remember that Corsair was six feet under at one point. Then again, who hasn’t been dead in the X-men comics these days? Wolverine fans, this should count as hope. But the hints are lost when Hepzibah shows up and makes his checkup a little more pleasant. I sure as hell wouldn’t mind getting my prostate checked if I had a sexy cat-lady keeping me company.

It would have been easy to just give Sikorsky the finger and enjoy a little xenophilliac indulgence. But Corsair, despite having Hepzibah all over him, hasn’t forgotten that he’s now trying to be a father again to a sixteen-year-old son. His ability to remember that when his penis is giving him every reason not to is nothing short of herculean. It also shows that Corsair is dealing with his own angst about this arrangement. It happened so quickly and it probably means less time humping his hot alien girlfriend. But he’s not DMX. He’s going to be part of his kid’s life, damn it.

The problem is that kid’s life now involves dealing with aliens while still being stuck on hot psychic redheads. These are things even some quality father time can’t work around. But to his credit, O5 Cyclops is able to work nicely with the rest of the Starjammers. He’s already growing fond of Cr’reee, a cat-like alien pet that Paris Hilton would probably love. He’s also getting along with Ch’od. He may be a big alien green guy, but I imagine he’s no more hostile than senior high school boys in a game of dodge ball. It demonstrates nicely that O5 Cyclops doesn’t just fight for peace and quality. He practices what he preaches, finding a way to get alone with even ridiculously inhuman creatures. That puts him above over 80 percent of today’s religious leaders.

Everything seems to be going smoothly for O5 Cyclops. He’s getting along with his father’s girlfriend and making new alien friends. But at some point, his dad being a space pirate is going to catch up with him. It comes in the form of a Badoon ship. It gives him a chance to see his dad and the Starjammers do their thing, taking on the ship and crippling it so they could plunder it. It also gives him a chance to channel his inner Star Trek geek. I imagine most Trekkies would be jazzing their pants in this situation. To his credit, O5 Cyclops hides his boner well.

While he’s hiding that boner, there are some more interesting musings. O5 Cyclops keeps coming back to how he doesn’t want to be the man he grew up to be. And in seeing his father work, he actually has some insight into what he wants to be. His father is cool, badass, and has a hot girlfriend while taking on an alien ship. Whereas most teenage boys try to avoid becoming like their father, O5 Cyclops wants to do the opposite. He’s basically an anti-hippie and there’s nothing wrong with that.

There’s some light Star Trek style battle. It’s no Star Wars Death Star run, but it’s O5 Cyclops’s first mission. It can’t be too epic. The Starjammer eventually subdues the Badoon ship and manages to stay in one piece. That’s a victory in and of itself. Now comes the fun part and that’s plundering the ship. Beating up Badoon are just bonus. And being an awesome/irresponsible father, Corsair wants O5 Cyclops to tag along. If he’s going to learn from his space pirate dad, he might as well get his hands dirty. If only learning algebra had been that much fun in high school. I might not have felt the urge to throw up every day I went.

Irresponsible parenting aside, Corsair had another reason for allowing his son to tag along and not just because he didn’t trust him not to download porn on the ship while he was gone. The Badoon ship might be disabled, but there are still plenty of pissed off Badoon inside. They’re all armed, hostile, and ready to shoot them like Storm Troopers at a shooting range. Corsair knows this and isn’t retarded so he comes up with a plan. And it’s a plan that would make any son, teenager or otherwise, gush with pride.

Using O5 Cyclops’s blast, the blow a hole in the roof of the ship and surprise the Badoon before they can get too trigger happy. Not only that, Corsair makes one of the most badass speeches made in space that wasn’t made by James T. Kirk. In that speech, he gives the Badoon all the reasons they need to surrender unconditionally. If this were a Father’s Day gift, it would be the best damn gift ever. And it didn’t even cost them overpriced tickets to a baseball game.

It’s a great impression for a father to make on his teenage son, outsmarting a ship of hostile aliens and plundering their gear. And he didn’t even have to buy him a car. It’s a pretty basic victory for the Starjammers, but Corsair isn’t all bravado and dick-waving. He’s still uncertain about being a father to a teenage boy. To be fair, the idea of being a space pirate is less daunting than being a father to a teenage boy. But he makes it clear that he wants to make the effort. Just being badass and hijacking Badoon ships isn’t enough. He’s a fucking Summers. He has to go further.

And he does just that with help from Hepzibah and the rest of the Starjammers. While the rest of the Starjammers handle the Badoon, Corsair hijacks their ship and offers to take O5 Cyclops to a few exotic inter-stellar locales for some quality father/son time. That’s like a father hijacking Donald Trump’s private jet and letting his son choose the beach they’re going to crash. What kind of father does that for their son? The awesome kind, that’s who! And Corsair shows that in addition to hijacking alien ships and hooking up with hot alien women, he can still be an awesome father. He couldn’t be more awesome without telling Captain Kirk and Han Solo to kiss his ass.

Reading this comic, the former sixteen-year-old cried a little. This is the comic that Cyclops fans have been waiting for almost as long as an X-men movie that doesn’t screw him over. It isn’t just about an awkward teenager having out with his father, playing Han Solo in deep space. It’s also about a father trying to figure out how to be a father to a sixteen-year-old son. Spoiler alert: nobody fucking knows how to be a father to a sixteen-year-old son. And that’s what makes it so awesome. We get both perspectives, O5 Cyclops and Corsair’s. Yet they still find time to blow up an alien ship and beat up some Badoon. In terms of parenting, that’s not a bad start. Sure beats the hell out of fishing. Cyclops #1 gets a much deserved 10 out of 10. It has all the right emotions, from awe to angst. And it has a sexy cat woman. It’s hard to go wrong with a sexy cat woman. Nuff said!