From Rebirth To Resolve: Wonder Woman #25

The following is my review of Wonder Woman #25, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

By every measure, Wonder Woman is having a great year. For the first time in her history, it's not unreasonable to say that hers is the brightest star in the DC trinity. Superman and Batman can have their epic battles and bitter disputes, but only Wonder Woman can say she raised her profile while maintaining the heart that makes her so endearing. She's conquered both the box office and the critics on Rotten Tomatoes, something that Batman and Superman's epic clash cannot claim.

Wonder Woman's star is burning so brightly at the moment that it's easy to forget that part of that flame has been regularly stoked by Greg Rucka and Liam Sharp in her comics. After the events of DC Rebirth, Wonder Woman goes through a sobering process of sorts. The world she thought she knew is shrouded with lies that she didn't know were plaguing her. The life she thought she had lived has gaping holes in it that she cannot ignore. For a woman used to extracting truth with her lasso and her charm, that's an unfamiliar feelings.

Like many other DC Rebirth titles, the narrative in Wonder Woman is crafted in a way that builds and escalates. At times, it tends to drag. On top of that, Rucka and Sharp explore some of the gaps that emerged while the DC universe underwent its messy rebirthing process. They end up having to retell, reshape, and update Wonder Woman's story, often while trying to tell a parallel story in the present. It's easy to lose track of the story, but it can make for a uniquely satisfying payoff.

Wonder Woman #25 marks the end of Rucka's run on the series. It also marks the epilogue of sorts of all the various plots within Wonder Woman's rebirth-induced history. It's no easy feat, revamping and retelling Wonder Woman's entire history in just 25 issues while a major Hollywood movie is making headlines in the background. Rucka rises to the challenge, providing a capstone of sorts to a journey that balances the hardened warrior, the loving spirit, and the feminine ideal that she embodies.

It's an important balancing act for Wonder Woman. Throughout her history, multiple writers approach her from various angles. For some, she's only that hardened warrior. For others, she's only that loving spirit and feminine ideal. As iconic a character she is, the stories about her tend to segment her character. All too often, only parts of her personality are explored. Rucka dares to use every one of them in Wonder Woman #25 and in many ways, it completes her rebirth process.

The story itself is built around the aftermath of a lengthy arc that jumps between time periods, exploring Wonder Woman's initial arrival into man's world and her latest clash with a couple menacing gods. Along the way, she faces an identity crisis that makes a rebirth all too necessary. She faces a painful, soul-crushing revelation. For someone who's used to getting the truth out of everyone with ease, that's an accomplishment, even for gods.

Entire chunks of Wonder Woman's life are called into question. Her faith in the gods, her heritage, and herself become subject to major doubt. At the same time, she's still trying to help her friends and still be a full-time member of the Justice League. It's stressful, to say the least. It sends the message that if someone like Wonder Woman can crack under the strain at times, then what hope does anyone have?

That hope doesn't stay lost for long, though. Early on, Rucka shows that Wonder Woman can still be Wonder Woman in the midst of so much upheaval. She can arrive on the scene with the Justice League, fight giant monsters, and hardly break a sweat in taking it down. The hardened warrior aspect of her character is rightly preserved. However, that's not the sole focus of the story or Wonder Woman's journey over the course of the past 25 issues. It's never more than a secondary focus because Wonder Woman embodies more than just a fighting spirit.

Much more of Wonder Woman #25 focuses on her heart, which is heavy and wounded. She spent a great deal of her recent journey trying to save Dr. Barbara Minerva from the clutches of Cheetah, but circumstances beyond her control make that impossible. That's pretty heart-wrenching because when something is impossible for Wonder Woman, who regularly deals with gods, monsters, and Batman, that makes clear that some things are just beyond anyone's control.

She still makes an effort to help her former friend. She also makes a desperate plea for help from the last person who would want to help her. Even with all her love and heart, it isn't enough. It shows in the way she fights. Even her fellow friends on the Justice League sense it. When she finally gets around to confronting it, she has to essentially accept what she can't control. The truth may hurt, but that doesn't make it any less important. There are people who go their entire lives avoiding that. Wonder Woman confronts it, even when she's angry and wounded. Given her immortal heritage, that's quite an accomplishment.


Rucka goes heavy on the symbolism, giving Wonder Woman a love/hate relationship with her magic lasso at a time when the truth can hurt even an immortal warrior woman. Sharp's colorful artwork keeps the tone of the story from getting too bleak or dire. In the end, her willingness to take back her lasso and accept the harsh truth for what it is highlights the end of a journey that Wonder Woman needed to take. It's a journey that strengthens every part of her character, as well as those around her.

As fitting an end as Wonder Woman #25 is to that journey, it does gloss over a few issues and rushes a few others. There's never a clear resolution with Cheetah and Wonder Woman's acceptance of the truth feels somewhat rushed. The fact she only needs a pep talk before taking back her lasso feels somewhat unremarkable, if not contrived. There are a lot of arguments she could've and probably should've had with the gods that deceived her. However, those conversations are essentially shrugged off in favor of some sexy time with Steve Trevor. On some levels, though, that's a fair trade-off.

Overall, Rucka's run on Wonder Woman is a remarkable accomplishment. At a time when Gal Gadot, Chris Pine, and Patty Jenkins are elevating Wonder Woman's star to new heights, her DC: Rebirth journey finds a way to make that star burn a little brighter. Wonder Woman is tough, compassionate, loving, loyal, and beautiful on every level. It's not something that most people need to be reminded of, but some reminders are still worth having.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

The Wonder of What Wonder Woman Embodies: Wonder Woman #10

The following is my review of Wonder Woman #10, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There are some origin stories that don't need to be retold again. The story of how Bruce Wayne lost his parents or how Clark Kent lost his home planet are so overplayed that there's really not much new to add to the narrative. We, the audience, get the message. We know why Bruce Wayne is Batman. We know why Clark Kent is Superman.

With Wonder Woman, however, the situation is different. Despite being the third pillar of DC's mighty trinity, her origin story is one of the few that DC Comics doesn't overly belabor. The setup is already established. Wonder Woman's basic history of growing up on an island of immortal women and rubbing elbows with Greek gods is easy to grasp. Anyone with access to Wikipedia can glean those details.

What Greg Rucka and Nicola Scott are doing with Wonder Woman in DC Rebirth takes it a step further. Conflicts in the present are used to explore elements of Wonder Woman's past. One issue covers the past. One covers the present. It sounds disorganized on paper, but in the grand scheme of things, it fits together into a fairly cohesive narrative.

It's not a re-imagining. It's not a reboot or a retcon either. In many respects, it's an overdue dose of depth. Despite 75 years of history, the Wonder Woman mythos is sufficiently vague to permit a certain level of refinement. Wonder Woman #10 takes advantage of that opportunity and adds a level of refinement that brings out the best in Wonder Woman.

There are no vindictive gods, shape-shifting monsters, or invading aliens in this narrative. In fact, Wonder Woman does surprisingly little fighting in this issue, but given how she seems to fight a new god, alien, or monster every other day, it's a refreshing and overdue change of pace. Instead, the story gives us a glimpse into Wonder Woman's past, focusing on her early exploration of man's world in its simplest form, namely by taking a trip to a local strip mall.

Granted, this a strip mall in America is hardly the most comprehensive insight into man's world, but it's fitting in that it doesn't make a terrible impression. Sure, there's excessive noise, rampant consumerism, and gaudy advertising displays, but there's nothing so horrifying that it would inspire an island of warrior women to purge the world of testosterone. Steve Trevor and Eta Candy even introduce her to margaritas. That's as good an impression man's world could make without something deep fried and dipped in chocolate.

This helps create a uniquely balanced tone for Wonder Woman #10. Rucka doesn't attempt to make Wonder Woman's impression of man's world too extreme. There's no emphasis on violence, rampant gender inequalities, and oppressive patriarchy. The world in which Wonder Woman explores never comes off as a beer commercial or a bad sitcom from the late 1950s. It actually makes the case that man's world is worth exploring and protecting.

It fits nicely with the overall tone of DC Rebirth in that the narrative isn't overly focused on dark and dire themes. There's still room for hope, understanding, and justice. Those are all among the highest qualities that Wonder Woman embodies. She's not just this tough warrior woman in a tiara who fights aliens and renegade gods alongside Superman and Batman. She stands for her own set of values, embodies them to the utmost, and looks great while doing it.

She eagerly interacts with total strangers, embracing them regardless of their age, gender, or ethnicity. She's not at all put off by the sight of men interacting with women, children making unfiltered comments about her attire, or the woefully impractical shoes that some women wear. Wonder Woman has any number of opportunities to be offended or appalled, but doing so would require her to be overly petty.

Such pettiness is the antithesis of what Wonder Woman values. She loves and embraces everybody. She's willing to give others a chance and she's not going to be politically correct about it. These are all powerful values that Wonder Woman has always embodied to some degree, but there have been too few stories that explore how she shaped these values upon coming to man's world. It's still a story not nearly as familiar as Kryton exploding, but it's a story worth exploring.

Wonder Woman is less a warrior and more an ambassador in this issue, but that's not to say the hard-nosed warrior in her is completely muted in Wonder Woman #10. She does get a chance to fight. She does get a chance to protect the innocent. Granted, it's not against rampaging titan or an agent of Darkseid, but she still gets to be the wonderful hero she is at heart. It's not exactly an epic battle in which the outcome is in question. This is Wonder Woman fighting in a crowded strip mall after drinking a margarita. It can only be so epic in that context.

Despite the limited scale of the fighting, there's still some meaning and depth to the conflict. This isn't just some random attack meant to fill Wonder Woman's hard-nose warrior quota. It's an attack that has ties, albeit vaguely, to the events taking place in the present. In terms of tying Wonder Woman #10 into the larger narrative that has been unfolding since the DC Rebirth relaunch, this issue does succeed, albeit barely.

The ties to a larger narrative may be limited, but Wonder Woman #10 still succeeds in its most important task. It highlights a period in Wonder Woman's story that is poorly developed and in need of greater depth. This issue gives us that without belaboring the parts we already know.

Greg Rucka and Nicola Scott are crafting a large, ambitious story that jumps around multiple time periods, puts a modern spin on a classic superhero mythos, and highlights the core values of an iconic character. It still feels like something that's too convoluted on paper, but they somehow find a way to make it work. That is a wonder, in and of itself.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Obscuring a Mythos: Wonder Woman #1

The following is my review of Wonder Woman #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The strength of any ancient myth is measured by how well it conveys its themes. There's a reason why certain myths transcend generations, cultures, and network cancellations. They reflect ideals and insights into the human condition. The stories may include colorful plots like gods knocking up mortal women, but the strength of that story is what separates timeless myths from boring reruns.

Wonder Woman's entire persona is built around the themes of ancient myths. From her divine creation to her divine abilities to her divine insights into the affairs of man, she personifies the strength of every myth, regardless of who some playful god impregnates. She epitomizes the ideals of womanhood and the warrior spirit. The strength of her story transcends eras from the hyper-masculine bravado of the '80s to the communist paranoia of the '50s.

Now, the events of DC Rebirth are poised to confuse and confound this story, adding uncertainty to the entire foundation of Wonder Woman's mythos. Is she the daughter of Zeus? Is she molded from clay? Is she the rightful God of War? Is she destined to emasculate Steve Trevor at every turn? These are all questions that linger in the backdrop of Wonder Woman #1, but little is done to answer any of them. There aren't even any telling hints, be they ominous teasers or divine impregnations.

Instead, Greg Rucka attempts to set up a new story and a new conflict with Wonder Woman. On paper, the concept has some merit. He even succeeds in fleshing out this concept to some degree, but that success is marginal at best. That's not to say it fails though. There is some intrigue at work within this narrative. It just leaves too many unanswered questions and too few reasons to get excited. The effect is undeniable. When Wonder Woman fighting mythical monsters fails to excite, then there's definitely something missing.

The story itself basically starts in the middle of a conflict. Wonder Woman is on a journey, which is a common narrative in many classical myths. That journey puts her in an exotic locale that is much more colorful than the streets of Gotham or the skies of Metropolis. While the snarling beasts aren't quite as memorable as homicidal clowns, it does reflect Wonder Woman's mythical heritage and gives her a target for her mythical strength. Without any added context, however, it may as well be a typical Tuesday for Wonder Woman.

That's not to say there aren't other forces behind the scenes, providing context to Wonder Woman's journey. Rucka actually introduces a key figure in Wonder Woman's mythos that has been absent in recent years, namely Etta Candy. However, this version of her is very different a lot less colorful. She's basically an Amanda Waller wannabe, running some secret government operation that adds unnecessary bureaucracy to everyday heroes. It's an intriguing introduction with intriguing potential, but much of that potential goes unrealized.

Wonder Woman #1 focuses less on realizing potential and more on creating a foundation. That foundation does build somewhat on the recent events of DC Rebirth, which led Wonder Woman to question the details of her origins story. Any origin that involves gods impregnating mortal women or bringing clay figurines to life is bound to be confusing, but the foundation here does little to resolve that confusion. In some ways, it outright ignores it, which is a noticeable crack in the foundation.

Rucka tries to fill those cracks in by developing a sub-plot with Steve Trevor and Etta Candy, tying their conflicts to Wonder Woman's journey. The connection between these details is lacking, but it there is at least some sense of cohesion. It's limited, but it effectively gives roles to Wonder Woman's supporting cast. As Batman can attest, a supporting cast is vital in any iconic mythos.

Unlike Batman though, Wonder Woman's supporting doesn't directly aid her journey. They just make sure nobody distracts her so she can focus on the task at hand. However, the nature of that task doesn't become clear until later in the story. Before then, Wonder Woman spends most of her time just warning the monsters that attack her and fighting them when they ignore her warnings. It's not exactly the kind of tactic that makes a myth epic.

Even so, Rucka does make an effort to highlight the most important aspects of Wonder Woman's character. She's not just a warrior and an icon who can survive being on a team with Batman and Green Lantern. She's a woman of compassion and mercy, offering it even to monsters who stand in her way. Even though they ignore it as if it were typical trash talk, it reinforces a key component of Wonder Woman's identity.

That identity is a lot more vital in wake of DC Rebirth. With Wonder Woman being so unsure of her origins, it makes sense to remind herself and others of who she is and what she stands for. It ends up being the only real certainty conveyed in Wonder Woman #1 because many other details are left undeveloped and unaddressed.

There's nothing egregious about the way Rucka handles Wonder Woman or her supporting cast. Nobody sleeps with a god, makes a deal with Mephisto, or trusts Lex Luthor. The story surrounding these characters is simply lacking in context and detail. Without that, the story falls flat and there's a reason stories like that don't make their way into AP English classes or comic racks.

The aftermath of DC Rebirth is affecting all corners of the DC Universe. With Wonder Woman, however, these effects seem detached and distant. Wonder Woman #1 tries to build a new foundation on top of one that is still incomplete. The elements of her mythos are there. There are even a few new elements that have the potential to develop. Despite this, the details aren't there. The connections are weak, if present at all. For a mythos as iconic as Wonder Woman, the standards are high and potential alone never slayed a titan.

Final Score: 4 out of 10

Epilogues and Prologues: Journey To Star Wars The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1

The following is my review of Journey To Star Wars The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

The phrase, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end,” isn’t just a lyric to the only hit song Semisonic ever released. It’s the cornerstone of Disney’s strategy for expanding Star Wars beyond its iconic mythos and disappointing prequels. Not content with the billions of dollars that the Star Wars brand generated over several decades through six movies, Disney is betting that continuing the saga will yield even more billions. Everyone from George Lucas’ accountant to Disney’s top executives believes it’s a pretty safe bet.

But unlike a lotto ticket, Disney has the ability to guide Star Wars into this new era. They have the resources of the House of Mouse and the House of Ideas in Marvel to forge this new saga. But to date, the most Disney has done is create a trailer. Granted, that trailer nearly broke the internet with an outburst of fanboy squeals not seen since Carrie Fisher first put on a chain mail bikini. Even so, there’s still the matter of actually building this new era for a new generation, hoping that a new legion of fans will step forth and fork over enough money to build a new Death Star.

This is the process that Journey To Star Wars: The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1 attempts to begin. It doesn’t explore the history of the Star Wars universe. It doesn’t expand on the time gaps in between the first six movies, which have already yielded great comics and a couple of hit cartoon series. It’s going to boldly go where no one has gone before, if that’s not too inappropriate a term. It’s going to explore the future of Star Wars, picking up right where Return of the Jedi left off.

It’s a bold move and one that might scare some fans who still have nightmares about Jar Jar Binks. Those fears, however, are mostly unfounded. This story that unfolds from the closing scenes of Return of the Jedi contains nothing that will blow up message boards or crash the internet. There aren’t any Han-or-Greedo moments that will have Star Wars fans arguing for decades. That said, there aren’t many moments that will inspire the same feelings as Luke blowing up the first Death Star.

This story doesn’t actually follow Luke Skywalker or Princess Leia or almost any of the now-iconic characters that made George Lucas obscenely rich. It follows the story of Shara Bey. She’s not a Gungan. She’s not a princess. She’s not some random bounty hunter either. She’s just one of the many hotshot pilots who took part of the attack on the second Death Star. However, it’s established early on that she’s not a faceless extra in a Walking Dead rerun. Her story is actually woven into Return of the Jedi.

She’s the one who helped Lando make the final attack on the second Death Star with the Millennium Falcon. She’s also the one who helped Luke Skywalker escape in an Imperial shuttle without getting shot down. So right off the bat, she establishes herself as a pretty important character. And there’s nothing she does that fundamentally changes or undermines the events of Return of the Jedi. It doesn’t try to be like the last Terminator movie and fundamentally change the whole setup. Instead, it tries to expand it.

This expansion is what gives the story appeal. However, that appeal has limited scope. While we do see Shara playing an important role in this iconic battle in the Star Wars mythos, we don’t see her do much else that’s really noteworthy. That’s not to say she just sits around and dances with Ewoks either. She does make an effort to distinguish herself and she’s able to do it without a light sabre.

As the story unfolds, we learn a few things about Shara. In addition to being a capable pilot, she’s also married to a fellow Rebel named Tuck. And for the most part, their relationship is as passionate as any that involves surviving Imperial tyranny. It’s not nearly the spectacle of Han Solo and Princess Leia. In fact, by comparison it’s downright bland. In some respects, it’s refreshing. Star Wars doesn’t need another romantic struggle at this point, especially if someone ends up frozen in carbonite again.

Refreshing as it is, Shara and Tuck don’t do anything that’ll inspire cos-players at a Star Wars themed wedding. They just share a quiet moment to establish that this is one of those marriages where the passion is genuine and not something Jabba the Hutt imposed. It’s a moment that really doesn’t have much relevance other than putting them in a position to help their fellow Rebels with a follow-up mission on Endor.

It’s a mission that basically reveals that killing the Emperor and destroying his oversized battle station isn’t enough to destroy an Empire. There are still people in this world that think the Civil War never ended. So it makes sense that there would be plenty of Imperial holdouts. It makes for some nice action. It’s not nearly as epic as the battle against the Death Star, but then again few things are.

There’s nothing inherently flawed with the narrative. There aren’t any major plot holes. Shara Bey isn’t going to remind anybody of Jar Jar Binks either. The story, as a whole, is solid and concise. However, there’s nothing about this story that’s really memorable or jarring. There are no shocking revelations. There aren’t even any hints as to how this ties into Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. If it were a college essay, Journey To Star Wars: The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1would get a passing grade and nothing else.

This comic still offers a great deal of potential. Shara comes off as likable and compelling. The potential for battles against lingering Imperial forces also offers plenty of intrigue, but it fails to generate the kind of excitement that’ll start trending on Twitter. However, it does have a level of refinement that makes it a worthy supplement to Return of the Jedi. Princess Leia’s bikini will still be the most memorable part of that story, but every little detail helps.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Journey To Star Wars: The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1

This year is set to be the ultimate nirvana for Star Wars fans. This Christmas, at a time when we’re obsessing over sales and getting drunk off eggnog, it’s going to happen. A new Star Wars movie is going to be released. Not since the destruction of Alderan will so many voices collectively cry out at once. It’s a moment that fans and Disney accountants have been anticipating since Disney bought the Star Wars rights. It’s a new movie for a new era of the movie that redefined sci-fi, cinema, and incest overtones.

But before this most epic of holiday feasts can begin, Disney has tasked Marvel with wetting our appetites, as if Star Wars fans weren’t already gnawing on their arms like crack addicts in withdraw. To bridge the gap between Return of the Jedi and The Force Awakened, they’ve commissioned Marvel to craft Journey To Star Wars: The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1. This series is supposed to set everything up so that those of us who fork over more money than others in our Star Wars fandom aren’t completely lost. It’s either meant to reward our loyalty or suck more money out of our wallets. I don’t care which is the case. If it’s awesome, my wallet can kiss my ass.

This journey to Star Wars: The Force Awakened begins at the end of the last journey in Return of the Jedi, which is entirely appropriate. We’ve all seen the epic saga, complete with implied incest. For those who haven’t seen it in a while, there’s a nice recap page that shows Luke’s showdown with Darth Vader and the battle against the second Death Star. However, the focus isn’t on Luke, Han, or Lando this time. Rather than tell us shit we already know, this story adds a new dimension to this familiar scene. Return of the Jedi is already a delicious cake. Why not add more frosting?

This new dimension has a name and a codename. Her name is Shara Bey and she’s Green Four of the Green Squadron, who were part of the epic space battle against the second Death Star. Lando and the Millennium Falcon are still there. But again, we already know how their story pans out. Shara’s the one who gets the focus. She’s among those who helps the Millennium Falcon make its epic run into the Death Star’s core. So in that context, she’s not fucking Jar Jar. She has a big fucking role in Star Wars right off the bat.

She’s still an unknown, but this is still a good way to establish her importance. She’s not a character who is just randomly thrown into the shit storm and expected not to stink. She actually has a role in a familiar scene. That’s a good way to tie her into the core fabric of the Star Wars universe. We still don’t know much about her or why we should give a shit about her, but we do know that she’s already contributed to the moments we know and love in a major way.

Once Lando and the Millennium Falcon start their run, Shara ends up contributing in another major way. Remember when Luke escaped the Death Star? Well, he was in an Imperial Shuttle and last I checked, those things are easy targets. So how the hell did he make it down to Endor without getting shot down? Well, the movie never revealed that, but we finally find out now over 30 years later. It was Shara who found out that Luke was on board. And she helped keep the other Rebels from blowing him out of the sky.

It’s one of those minor details from the movie that didn’t need to get expanded. Even if there were message boards in the mid-80s, I doubt Star Wars fans would’ve been wondering how Luke made it down to Endor without getting shot down. Then again, these are the same fans who bitch and moan about who shot first, Han or Greedo. So maybe I’m giving them too much credit. But at least for now, there’s no more reason to bitch. Shara Bey is the reason Luke made it down to Endor in one piece and for that, I think she’s earned the right to be awesome.

More familiar details follow. The events of the movie take over again and we see nothing that hasn’t been seen or parodied by Family Guy and Robot Chicken before. Lando completes his run with the Millennium Falcon, the second Death Star explodes, and the Rebels rejoice. Shara joins her fellow squad mates back at the base where everyone is either ready to celebrate or take a long, overdue nap. There are some solemn words about their fallen commanders, but everybody is more inclined to party their ass off. And why shouldn’t they? They just beat the Galactic Empire. Even an Amish republican would say they’ve earned it.

That’s exactly what Shara does. She joins her fellow rebels down on Endor where the fireworks are going off, the Ewoks are dancing, and George Lucas is counting his money. There are some familiar faces with C-3PO, Lando, Chewy, and Han Solo. But they don’t really say much beyond the post-victory dick-measuring. Even so, their presence alone helps give Shara’s story more weight. It shows it’s a story that’s intimately entwined with the events of Star Wars.

At the same time, however, I’m still not seeing much reason to give more fucks about her than the other characters we know and love. As nice as it is to revisit this scene, we don’t really see anything with Luke, Han, Leia, or anyone else. I get that this is Shara’s story, but it feels like these major characters that people probably care way more about are getting overlooked. We’re seeing Shara’s post-Return of the Jedi story, but why the fuck his hers more important?

That question doesn’t really get answered. It really can’t be answered because we still know jack shit about who Shara is. Well, we do get some additional details, some of which are more important than others. While the others are partying, she catches up with a few of her squad mates in an Ewok hut. That’s where she meets Tuck Dameron, who happens to be her husband. And no, there’s no implied incest with these two. They really are just a husband and wife who have spent a good chunk of their lives and their marriage beating the shit out of imperials. And I guess the couple that fights the Empire together stays together.

There are some nice romantic scenes with these two, establishing that this isn’t one of those marriages that happens in Las Vegas over a bet. It’s a real, actual marriage. It’s the kind the Kim Davis’ of the world don’t quite appreciate. They actually talk about what the future holds for them and whether it’s truly over. It’s sweet, but fairly bland. There’s nothing about this scene that hasn’t played out in a Twilight book, minus emo vampires.

Naturally, beating the Empire and celebrating their victory makes them very horny. So of course Shara and Tuck are going to enjoy a little victory nookie. Again, it’s pretty bland. There’s nothing in here that hasn’t been seen in every other PG-13 movie with Linda Hamilton in it. It just shows that Shara and Tuck are in a relationship where they enjoy doing the nasty in exotic locations like Endor. There are couples in this world that enjoy getting it on in dumpsters behind McDonald’s. Again, it’s downright tame. But it shows a nice bit of intimacy between the two.

However, they don’t even get to enjoy the post-victory afterglow before someone starts barking orders outside. This is officially beyond the credits of Return of the Jedi. The ghosts of Yoda, Obi Wan, and some asshole who looks like Hayden Christensen are gone. Now, we’re officially in uncharted territory with Star Wars. I want to be excited, but I can only do so much while following Shara’s story at this point. That or I took an extra valium and forgot. It’s entirely possible.

Once everyone gets dressed and hides the puke stains, they find out from Han Solo that destruction of a Galactic Empire isn’t exactly a clean and tidy process. They found out from Imperial transmissions that while most are fleeing with their dicks tucked between their legs, there are some holdouts. And some of them happen to be on Endor. They still think the Empire is equipped to fight back. I want to laugh at them, but there are still people in this country who don’t know that the Civil War has been over for over 150 years. So I can’t give Stormtroopers shit.

Having saved Luke Skywalker and banged her husband, Shara is in a good mood. So she volunteers to be the pilot that transports a strike team to this rebel holdout. Again, there’s not much here that’s really memorable. They have a chance to rub salt in the wound of a defeated Empire. Fuck yeah, they’re going to take it. But beyond that, we learn nothing more about Shara or anything about Luke, Leia, or Lando. It just seems like there are better shows in town.

That’s not to say it isn’t enjoyable. When Shara arrives with the strike team, we get a nice battle that we never saw in the movie. It’s the Rebels and Ewoks against a bunch of Imperial holdouts. It makes for some visually stunning scenes that feel like they might as well have been ripped from the movie. Shara doesn’t really do much other than provide air cover while Han leads the team below. And this is the only part of it that’s disappointing. Maybe I’m just more gay for Han Solo than I’m willing to admit, but I’d rather see him beating the shit out of Imperials than watch Shara casually observe the battle from a pilot’s seat. This is Star Wars, not fucking Top Gun.

While the battle has some nice visuals, it’s over very quickly. It’s not all that epic, nor should it be. The Rebels just destroyed another Death Star. Any subsequent battle isn’t going to be nearly as epic by default. Some things just can’t be properly followed up. Trevor Noah is going to find that out soon enough. But it’s a battle that does serve a purpose. Han and the strike team emerge from the base announcing that they found more intel and battle plans from the Imperials. Even though the Death Star has been destroyed, it’s not over yet. There are more battles to come, which is to be expected. Emperor Palpatine might have looked like an infected scrotum, but he wasn’t a fucking idiot. He ran his Empire like Steve Jobs on crystal meth. That means unlike a typical crack whore, it’s not going to go down easy.

This is one of those issues that doesn’t do anything wrong, but it doesn’t do anything exceedingly awesome either. If the point of this issue was to expand on the events of Return of the Jedi, it succeeded. And if the point was to introduce an intriguing new character in Shara Bey, it succeeded at least in part. But like a stoner who fixes a broken window with duct tape, it doesn’t do anything beyond that. Don’t get me wrong. I want to like Shara Bey. There’s nothing about here that I don’t like. I just don’t understand why I should give what few fucks I have to give when Han Solo, Princess Leia, and Luke Skywalker are present. Greg Rucka made a conscious effort to establish Shara Bey and post-Empire galaxy. I won’t say he failed, but I will say my panties are very dry right now.

There’s nothing about Journey To Star Wars: The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1 that tempers my excitement for the upcoming movie. There’s nothing that makes me want to beat up Dr. Who and steal his Tardis in order to see it either. It certainly has the potential to be awesome. It already took the first step in setting up the conflicts of the post-Empire Galaxy. It just needed to take a few more for me to spare some extra fucks. I give Journey To Star Wars: The Force Awakens Shattered Empire #1 a 6 out of 10. It’s concise, clean, and coherent. I don’t have to sober up to enjoy it. But it still a ways from being awesome in a way befitting of the Force. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #5

We’ve all had to rely on assholes to help us every now and then. Sometimes we have to coordinate with a neighbor who steals our paper or an ex-girlfriend who doesn’t return our underwear. But we don’t always have the luxury of avoiding them, especially when clean underwear is at a premium. I imagine that’s a lot more common for a pirate and not just because they have to deal with dirty underwear. They don’t always have the luxury of making a lot of friends. Corsair is lucky in that he was able to make friends with a few kick-ass alien outlaws, one of which happened to be a sexy alien cat lady. But with him and O5 Cyclops stranded on an alien planet, he can no longer take comfort in the knowledge that he has a sexy alien cat-lady to support him. That hasn’t stopped him from being awesome, giving O5 Cyclops the kind of fatherly love that might have made him less an asshole later in life. But now in order to get off this alien planet, they’re going to have to rely on assholes that would prefer to deep fry their entrails and piss on their bones. Cyclops #5 promises to be the part where O5 Cyclops starts putting the advice of his badass pirate father to good use. Unlike most big tests 16-year-old boys have to take, this isn’t one they can cheat or rely on the internet to pass.

Having fixed the tracking beacon in the previous issue, it doesn’t take long for someone to pick up on it. And since O5 Cyclops and Corsair were unlucky enough to get stranded on an alien planet in the first place, it shouldn’t surprise them in the slightest that the first bounty hunter to pick up on it happens to be a real asshole. His name is Travis and he’s basically a cross between a Skrull and Chris Brown. He treats others like shit, especially an alien slave girl named Savva, because he couldn’t call himself a professional asshole if he didn’t. He and a few of his alien buddies are on the prowl for a big payday and another opportunity to be assholes. On an alien planet with a wrecked Baddoon ship, they probably think they just stumbled into a cottage of sick puppies.

They survey the scene that has been O5 Cyclops and Corsair’s home for the past couple of issues. As they do this, O5 Cyclops throws in some of the nice narration that has given this whole series a great voice since it began. He basically explains that his father’s plan for these guys is the kind of plan that Blackbeard himself would’ve loved. He wanted to kill these guys, take their ship, and probably give them the finger at some point along the way. O5 Cyclops, still being the boy scout that hasn’t been corrupted by the Phoenix Force or Emma Frost’s pussy, isn’t okay with that. He opts for a more humane approach and that involves being a bit more cunning.

That means turning the exotic alien animals that they’ve been dining on for the past few days against them. This ensures these ruthless hunters will be nice and pissed. That sounds like a shitty plan on paper, but this is still Cyclops. Even as a teenager, he does know a thing or two about strategy and he learned at an early age that even ruthless bounty hunters make lousy decisions when their pissed. This is exactly why the Hulk should never attempt to buy a used car.

After letting these guys trip over their asses and doing everything possible not to laugh, Corsair ambushes them and traps them in as humane a way a pirate ever could. It’s a satisfying moment because this is a guy whose first inclination is to stab bounty hunters no fewer than 15 times the moment he sees them. I’m guessing that’s just an instinct every wanted pirate develops at some point. Yet his son convinced him that this instinct, like the one that tells drunks they can dance, isn’t the best instinct to follow. It shows that while Corsair has done plenty to influence O5 Cyclops since this series began, O5 Cyclops is influencing him as well. It’s another beautiful example of the father/son dynamic that makes this series more fun than a box of porn and a cooler full of beer.

While Corsair is busy suppressing his pirate instincts, O5 Cyclops launches his part of the attack as well. This involves sneaking past Travis and his buddies while they’re doing some looting and sneaking onto his ship. Unfortunately, that ship is still being guarded by Savva, the girl Travis was treating like shit earlier. It seems like a perfect opportunity for O5 Cyclops to use the same charm that will one day earn him a place in Jean Grey and Emma Frost’s panties. So he attempts to confront her peacefully, trying to be as cute as possible. While this might work on telepaths, it doesn’t work on her. I suppose that’s another skill he’ll have to refine at some point. A good pirate, like a good X-man, must be able to seduce pretty girls into avoiding a fight, even if they’re alien.

Once O5 Cyclops’ charm fails, he puts all those sword-fighting skills his father has been teaching him to good use. It’s a very different kind of fight for O5 Cyclops, who so often relies on his fists or his optic blasts. It would be like Wolverine using a baseball bat instead of his claws or a katana. But it’s still plenty effective and O5 Cyclops looks like a real pirate in the process. It makes me think that this comic should’ve come with a warning saying that any woman who happens to be a telepath, has red hair, or was once a stripper at the Hellfire Club should carry an extra pair of panties. I’m pretty sure they’ll need them after seeing this.

It’s a very well-designed clash, but one O5 Cyclops keeps trying to end. He urges Savva to surrender, but she repeatedly refuses. She says she’ll either kill him or he’ll kill her. O5 Cyclops still has a problem with that so he does the third best thing, after attempting to reason with her and attempting to charm her. He finally uses his optic blasts, but only to open up one of the holding cells on the sip. He then traps her in the most merciful way possible. He couldn’t have been more merciful without offering a back massage, but Savva warns him that the rest of his plan will wind up killing them anyways. It sounds like a really lousy bluff from someone at a poker table, but since she’s a cute alien girl and he’s a teenage boy, he foolishly listens.

Outside the ship, another epic swordfight erupts. This time Corsair gets in on the action, showing that he’s not quite as merciful as his son. He still avoids the burning urge to kill these bounty hunters and spit on their corpses, but that doesn’t keep him from being a little rougher. It’s demonstrates nicely that while Corsair might not be a mutant, he’s still a badass pirate. And this time he was able to beat these bounty hunters without his sexy alien cat girlfriend providing support. That alone should earn him bonus points.

For a moment, it looks like the plan has succeeded. Corsair and O5 Cyclops took out all the bounty hunters without killing them and now they have a ship to get them off this planet. It’s a plan that worked so well that, like the fine print of an Apple user agreement, it can’t possibly pan out. Sadly, this is exactly what happens. Before Corsair can even enjoy his triumph, O5 Cyclops emerges from the ship with Savva as her prisoner. She orders that he surrender and Corsair is understandably pissed.

They spent days stranded on an alien planet learning to swordfight and he couldn’t subdue a cute girl? Any father would be disappointed, but O5 Cyclops hints that he has a plan. So Corsair decides to table the spanking and go along with it. If anyone else other than Cyclops, even a time-displaced version of him, asked him to do something like this, Corsair would have immediately gone back to following his basic pirate instincts. But he knows as well as the X-men that Cyclops has a plan and it usually works, even when the Avengers turn against him.

But why the hell did O5 Cyclops surrender to her anyways? Did she promise to let him touch her boobs or something? That might be acceptable to some, but there’s another explanation that’s a bit less crude. She and Travis are part of this race where they take an oath to not eat until they capture a bounty. It sounds like an extreme form of fasting that would probably make for a good hippie protest, but not a good tactic for a bounty hunter. And since Savva is their slave, she can’t eat either and she would’ve died even if O5 Cyclops let her and the others live. They’re just that dedicated. They’re basically the opposite of congressmen.

While Savva does keep her oath, she also keeps another that she made to O5 Cyclops. That involved letting him and Corsair out of their cells just as they’ve finished gorging like hungry wolf in a bacon factory. Since she’s big on keeping oaths, O5 Cyclops makes sure it works out for all of them. He blasts them with his optic blasts. Corsair throws a few punches. And since they were all probably close to a food coma anyways, it wasn’t a fair fight in the slightest. Yet it still felt satisfying, primarily because cute girls coming to the rescue never gets old.

Later on, all the bounty hunters are in their cells and Corsair now has control of a ship. So their plan worked, albeit indirectly and with a few complications. But now they’re back on track and can continue this father/son road-trip throughout the galaxy. Naturally, O5 Cyclops asks Savva to join them since it looks like tagging along with Travis is like being Chris Brown’s punching bag. But she refuses. Again, she’s big on keeping her oaths. It’s tough for a teenager to understand, but Corsair tells him that everybody finds out at some point how valuable someone’s promise is. Later on in life, it’s right up there with experience in blowjobs in terms of importance.

So anyone who was complaining about there being too many Andy Griffith moments for the past few issues can finally stop their bitching with this one. This issue was no alien fishing trip. It was O5 Cyclops’ first opportunity to be a badass pirate while still retaining his boy scout hero persona. And if this were a final exam, he would’ve passed with flying colors and guys like me would’ve been cheating off him. He and Corsair didn’t just escape the alien planet. He did it without killing anybody and keeping a cute alien girl from being harmed. That’s like hitting for the cycle in the World Series for a teenager. It was Cyclops without the all the dark undertones that have plagued his character for over a decade. It helps remind X-men fans why Cyclops is awesome in the first place. This issue definitely got that message across, continuing with the theme of making O5 Cyclops one of the most lovable characters in Marvel not named Kamala Khan. Cyclops #5 gets a 9 out of 10. So far this series had great father/son moments, solid action, and a few cute alien girls. Anybody who finds a reason to complain about it at this point is just being an asshole. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #4

Some people are better equipped to deal with shitty situations than others. These people will fuck up like everybody else, but they'll actually find a way to come out stronger. They're the ones that become accomplished athletes and businessmen. Sometimes they'll also become politicians and lawyers, but we take the good with the bad. Superheroes have to deal with shittier situations than any overpaid athlete or well-connected politician. They can't always buy or charm their way out of a problem, unless they're name is Tony Stark or Bruce Wayne. They have to be survivors. Cyclops has definitely survived some pretty amazing shit, including but limited two a couple of dead wives, a clone, and a homicidal lost brother. But O5 Cyclops hasn't survived these things yet and hasn't yet become the alpha male X-man who's equipped to confront any threat and still have the strength to bone Emma Frost and Jean Grey.

That's what has made the Cyclops solo series so enjoyable. We get to see O5 Cyclops on his journey to becoming this survivor with help from his father of all people. In Cyclops #4 he gets a chance to learn a very important set of survival skills, namely those that help him survive being stranded on an alien planet. Even though he's just a teenager, these are skills he needs to learn if he's going to live long enough to see Emma Frost and Jean Grey naked.

Being a good father and all, Corsair is dedicated to teaching his son the skills he'll need if he's going to hook up with women like Emma Frost and Jean Grey. That includes survival skills on an alien planet. I'm not entirely sure how that would help him deal with beautiful women, but I imagine it can't hurt. Like much of this series, O5 Cyclops shares some of his inner thoughts. He and Corsair are roughing it, doing what they can to survive in this alien world with the knowledge that his father won't be able to live much longer without the illegal drugs he's been using. It sounds like an awesome Breaking Bad spin-off, but it reveals O5 Cyclops' growing doubts.

When they're not just trying to survive, Corsair attempts to teach his son other skills that he might find useful when the time comes to get Emma Frost and Jean Grey out of their panties. That includes swordplay because beautiful women apparently love guys who can wield a sword. And Corsair shows that O5 Cyclops clearly has plenty of room for improvement. His current skills wouldn't impress a waitress at an Applebees, let alone the Emma Frost's of the world. Corsair is a tough teacher, not adhering to any the bullshit New Age parenting techniques that only permit feeding a teenager's bloated self-esteem. But he does it in a way where he doesn't come off as a dick. He just comes off as a competent parent. Seriously, why does that have to sound like such a novel concept?

O5 Cyclops, to his credit, accepts his shortcomings with more maturity than my entire graduating high school class. But he accepts them a bit too much in that he seems okay with knowing that he's probably going to die on this alien planet as soon as Corsair dies. And what teenage boy in his position wouldn't think that? He's not the experienced space pirate here. He only recently learned how to fly a space ship and flirt with alien women. How can he expect to survive on his own once his father is gone? He can't and for once, that's not just typical teenage angst. That's just plain logic.

Corsair, once again demonstrating the kind of parenting skills that are exceedingly rare in comics, refuses to accept that attitude in his son. Any decent, non-lazy parent wouldn't accept it. So he calls his son out on his angst. Anyone who has ever called a teenager out on their angst knows it's like trying to trim a pit bull's toenails when he's he's horny. It's a tough fight to even approach, but Corsair does in a way that once again doesn't make him come off as a dick. He's just being a decent parent. I know I should be used to this by now in this comic, but it still astounds me.

This leads to a much more meaningful conversation, which O5 Cyclops and Corsair have been having a lot of lately. Whereas previous issues focused primarily on Corsair, this time they focus on the man O5 Cyclops became. Corsair claims that the reason his older self went down such a dark path was because he lost hope. It sounds cheesy, like something from a Mel Gibson speech. But it's not wholly inaccurate. It's just overly simplistic, ignoring the really fucked up circumstances in which Cyclops found himself. I'm sure a lack of hope wasn't what drove him to marry a clone of his dead girlfriend or go Dark Phoenix when everyone in the Marvel universe was attacking him.

That said, there is some merit to it and Corsair even relates it to his own experiences. He mentions at some point how Cyclops traded hope for rage. That still doesn't account for the difficult circumstances he had to deal with, but it does show how his judgment and his outlook became so clouded at times. There's no doubt that Cyclops as an adult became a much darker person and not just because he dated Emma Frost. O5 Cyclops once again makes clear that he does not want to become that person, which he has said time and again since All-New X-men started. It's a powerful moment for him and one that couldn't have happened without decent parenting. And it didn't even require Corsair to threaten to take his cell phone away. He's rapidly becoming the anti-Darth Vadar of comic book parents.

Encouraged by his father, something I'm sure many teenagers aren't used to, O5 Cyclops decides to ditch the angst and get to work on this new hopeful approach. But unlike the bullshit self-esteem programs that are pushed in high schools, he decides that wishful thinking is for suckers and goes to work finding the quantum tracker from the ship. He's not an expert on quantum trackers or anything quantum related. But he knows that if they're going to be rescued, they need to fix this thing so some bounty hunters can find them. Technically, that's not a rescue. That's more like trying to hitch a ride with a state trooper by waving a bag of cocaine in the air, but it's better than staying stranded.

Now O5 Cyclops and Corsair divide their time between surviving and fixing some advanced alien technology that they're not equipped to understand. I won't say that's a productive use of their time, but I imagine that's also a skill that'll help O5 Cyclops with the ladies down the line. The pacing of the story does start to drag somewhat here. It's hard to tell just how productive they're being. But knowing that Corsair has only so many doses of that life-saving drug left, they have plenty of incentive to not sit on their asses and whine.

That's not to say there isn't some excitement. At one point, they do have to deal with the local alien animal life on the planet. And on this planet, the skies are full of these flying blue fish with bat wings. It's not nearly as terrifying as it sounds. Earlier, Corsair did warn O5 Cyclops that he might have to resort to eating these things if he wants to survive. These creatures must have heard that because they decide to attack Corsair. No matter what planet they're on, talking about turning someone into food is kind of a dick move.

This time, it's O5 Cyclops who gets to show he's got some skill to work with. He uses his optic blasts to take down the creatures. He even admits that he let his father act as bait so he could get as many as possible with one blast. It's also somewhat of a dick move, but it does show that O5 Cyclops has been paying attention to his father's survival training. And the first rule of survival training is that sometimes a dick move is necessary to survive in a hostile environment. I have a hard time believing that women don't find a man who can survive an alien world like that wouldn't find it sexy on some levels. Corsair seems to understand this and gives his son a deserved pat on the back.

This leads to a well-deserved feast with alien flying fish as the main course. It may sound disgusting at first, eating alien creatures. Even the Ted Nugants of the world would be somewhat reluctant. But O5 Cyclops doesn't complain. He just says it tastes like chicken. Apparently, chicken is the universal taste of all undefined meats in the universe. There's something about that which makes me smile. It also makes me hungry too. It feels like a fitting way for O5 Cyclops to put his father's advice about having hope to good use. Not only did it get him to stop whining, but it got them a good meal. It shows that being a decent parent actually has more benefits than just not being a dick.

Armed with hope and a full stomach, they're finally able to fix the quantum tracker from the ship. So in the end, their efforts were pretty damn productive. They learned to effectively survive in an alien environment, living off the land and eating alien creatures. Now they're going to have to learn how to survive being "rescued" by bounty hunters. Somehow being stuck on a planet and eating alien fish birds doesn't sound so unappealing. But O5 Cyclops has already learned plenty of valuable skills from his space pirate father. This sounds like it could be yet another teachable moment. And the more O5 Cyclops learns, the more he'll have to impress Jean Grey and Emma Frost when he gets back.

Now O5 Cyclops is one step closer to becoming the man that will one day see Emma Frost and Jean Grey naked. This was another issue that provided compelling insight into O5 Cyclops as he learns and grows with his father. He's not the same whiny, confused teenager he was for a good chunk of All-New X-men. He's more vulnerable now. He sounds more like just another anxious teenager than the future leader of the X-men. This time, there was more focus on the man he would become rather than who he is now. His father's insight was a little generic, sounding like something he got from a fortune cookie. But it's not wholly inaccurate either. And for once, the value of a good father really shows in how Corsair inspired O5 Cyclops to fight for survival rather than succumb to typical teenage angst. It's a beautiful moment, even if it dragged a bit at times. It's still sad that a father has to be stranded on an alien planet with son to have a little quality time in the Marvel universe, but that doesn't make it any less meaningful. I give Cyclops #4 an 8 out of 10. With that, I'm going to KFC. For some reason, I've got a strange graving for chicken. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #3

I love vacations as much as the next drunk, but I’ve had more than a few go horribly wrong. Sometimes it happens because I stayed in a shitty hotel room that had no hot water, no cable, and more semen stains than towels. Sometimes it happens because someone accidentally brought light beer. I believe it should be legal to bludgeon those people with hammers, but there’s a difference between an honest accident and keeping a secret. For O5 Cyclops, he’s on a vacation that any Star Trek fan would gladly give their left testicle to go on. He’s cruising around the galaxy with his father, meeting hot alien girls and raiding Badoon space ships. It has made for the kind of quality father/son time that we don’t usually see in comics because apparently, quality father/son time is about as rare as vibranium.

But as well as Corsair has done for himself, he’s still keeping a secret from his son and that secret has to do with that lingering tidbit that has been touched on yet not explained: he’s supposed to be dead. O5 Cyclops isn’t old enough to understand that death is a revolving door at a discount whore house in the Marvel universe. He has no idea that his father has been beating off the Grim Reaper in secret. Sooner or later, he’s going to have to come clean and Cyclops #3 promises to leave him with little choice. I still say it’s not as egregious as bringing light beer to a family reunion, but that’s just me.

It might end up having to be sooner because while O5 Cyclops is a teenager, he’s not stupid. He’s going to pick up on signs that his father is keeping something from him. And being a teenager, he’s definitely going to pick up on it when it involves drugs. I’m not sure if he was subjected to the same anti-drug PSAs back in the past, but I imagine Charles Xavier made it a point to not have his X-men get high. In addition to his father possibly being a drug addict, he has also noticed that no matter where they go, some alien bounty hunter is there waiting to frame their heads and drink whiskey out of their empty skulls. Teenagers might not have the knowledge or experience of adults, but they’re smart enough to know when something just ain’t right.

O5 Cyclops, who had been documenting all the ways this shit ain’t right in a journal, hasn’t yet confronted his father about this issue. He doesn’t get much of a chance because while he’s still dressed in pajamas, their stolen Badoon ship decides to go batshit and they crash land on some planet with purple skies, blue trees, and three-headed cows. It’s basically the cover of a Jimi Hendrix album. But to O5 Cyclops’ credit, he doesn’t lose his shit. He’s an X-man. Planes and spaceships crashing is right up there will killer robots in basic X-men training. It’s a rough landing, as would be expected. Corsair assures his son that he has crashed plenty of times. Being a pilot and a space pirate, that’s not something to brag about. He even claims he has crashed on worse planets. Again, that’s nothing to brag about and O5 Cyclops is keen to remind him of that.

Once they emerge from the wreckage, they take in just how fucked they are. There’s no way the ship is going to fly again. They’re stranded on an alien planet with limited supplies and no hot alien women for them to seduce. It’s pretty bad. O5 Cyclops even admits that he’s scared. That’s saying a lot for a guy who recently got up in Gladiator’s face and told him to piss off. But it’s a nice way of showing that while he might be the leader of the X-men, he’s also still a teenager. That’s something we really don’t see much from adult Cyclops. It’s pretty hard when an adult Cyclops was doing things like leading the entire mutant race, fighting off Sentinels, and boning Emma Frost and Jean Grey. O5 Cyclops hasn’t become that man yet. He still leans on his father.

It’s pretty bad, but there’s another major reason why they should be prepared to shit their pants at a moment’s notice. Apparently, the reason why some alien thug bounty hunters were always waiting to pounce on them was because their stolen Badoon ship had a tracking gizmo on board. That means if someone is going to come by and rescue them, it’s going to be bounty hunters and not the space equivalent of the Coast Guard. It’s basically the premise of a much more exciting version of Cast Away.

This father/son road trip in space has now become an impromptu camping trip. It’s not the best circumstances under which to do a little father/son bonding, but it’s not the worst. Sure, it would help if they had some fishing poles and a six-pack of beer, but they find a way to make due. They set up a camp, start a fire, and learn the lay of the land. It’s not Bear Gryles in that they haven’t resorted to drinking their own piss yet, but there are no alien snakes or tigers yet. So it could definitely be worse.

Before the situation can get any worse, O5 Cyclops decides it’s probably as good a time as any to confront him about the drugs he’s been shooting up. He’s not in a place where he can just buy him some ice cream or a new X-box to shut him up. He has to come clean now. For O5 Cyclops, it’s overdue. But it’s even more overdue for everyone else because this has been an ongoing plot for a while now. Hints have been dropped, but explanations have been more lacking than the last two seasons of Heroes. Now Corsair, knowing a teenage son is prone to making some fucked up assumptions, comes clean.

He reveals that these drugs he’s taking aren’t the good kind that make people feel like they’re resting between Pamela Anderson’s breasts while sipping margaritas. These drugs are keeping him alive. He confirms what others pointed out during The Trial of Jean Grey. He was indeed dead. He was as dead as Adam Sandler’s chances of winning an Oscar. But he’s alive now and the only way for him to stay alive is to inject himself with illegal alien nanomachines that some alien authorities find scary as hell. That, or they just watched Termiantor and the Matrix way too much. It still sounds slightly less risky than some of the weight loss drugs I see advertised during football games.

But what gives this revelation emotional weight is the reason Corsair gives for keeping this from O5 Cyclops. He didn’t want to share the story about how he died. Seriously, who wants to tell that story? Who would even imagine that it would come up? For Corsair, this involves revealing more unpleasant stories about how O5 Cyclops has another brother, who happened to be ripped from his mother by D’ken before he killed her. It also involves revealing how his little brother went batshit crazy, went on a murder spree, and ended up killing him. O5 Cyclops just learned his father was alive. Now he has to deal with having a deranged little brother. That only promises to make it even harder around the holidays.

It’s not a bullshit reason to keep this sort of thing from his teenage son. It’s not like he kept knowledge about condoms and credit card debt from him. Corsair takes it even further though, saying that the rest of the Starjammers refused to just let him stay dead, another victim of his deranged son. So thanks to Hepzibah, they exhumed his body and brought him back to life with help from The Shrouded. I don’t know what The Shrouded is, but their work on resurrection must be sub-standard because they only brought him back to the point where he still needs drugs to keep himself alive. It’s either that or Corsair had a really lousy HMO.

This is a pretty important moment and not just because it’s touching in how a father comes clean to his son in a way that doesn’t involve one of them losing a limb like in Star Wars. It also closes a pretty gaping plot hole that had been lingering since The Trial of Jean Grey in that it revealed just how Corsair came back to life. There are enough egregious plot holes in comics these days. Each one that gets resolved, no matter how trivial, can only improve the tangled web of bullshit that is modern comics.

Now with this issue addressed, Corsair and O5 Cyclops and focus on more immediate concerns, namely Corsair’s limited supply of this drug that’s keeping him alive. He says he only has enough doses to keep him alive for another 27 days at the most. He basically has about as much time as it takes for someone to go through a typical play-through in Skyrim. That’s hardly enough time to help reassure a teenage boy that he’s not going to grow up to be a complete asshole, but that won’t stop him from trying.

Corsair doesn’t stop just at filling gaping plot holes either. He’s too much on a role, that or the drugs he’s taking are just that awesome. He goes onto explain why he never came back to Earth. He points out how being a slave in the Shi’ar slave pits and watching D’ken murder his wife in front of him fucked him up in ways that made him ill-suited to be a parent. It’s not an unreasonable excuse. When a man is that pissed off at aliens, he just can’t put in the time and energy necessary to raise his sons in a way that won’t scar them for life. It’s an emotional moment for Corsair and he hasn’t had many. It’s hard when he’s got a hot alien woman all over him, but it’s the kind of humility that goes a long ways, even with teenagers.

That’s not to say that O5 Cyclops shrugs it off. He rightly points out that as messed up as he was, his sons still needed him. He saw what his adult form became. That version of Cyclops probably could have benefited from having his father around. It’s a powerful moment and one that feels like it should have happened years ago because Cyclops has had moments with his father in the past. They’ve just never been done this well. But if seeing Gal Gadot in her Wonder Woman costume at Comic Con this year has taught me anything, awesome shit is worth waiting for.

It might be overdue, but it makes for a very satisfying moment. While this time didn’t involve hot alien women or epic battles against space pirates, it did something just as profound. It had a father/son moment full of painful secrets and unpleasant revelations that didn’t end in a Hamlet rip-off. Corsair and O5 Cyclops just had a nice, honest conversation in the midst of a shitty situation and it ended up with them getting closer. They may only have 27 days left so they don’t have time to be assholes to one another. It’s sad that it takes these kinds of fucked up circumstances for a father and son to share a meaningful story, but it’s still very satisfying. In an era where every hero and villain is so damn vindictive over some pretty petty shit, this is quite an accomplishment.

This had all the makings of one of those trips where someone enters the wrong address on a navigator, the car ends up running out of gas, and the actual destination is in the next time zone. Situations like this that involve usually end in the kind of yelling and death threats usually reserved for an episode of Jerry Springer. I’m sure most fathers would want to strangle their sons Homer Simpson style if they ended up stranded in the middle of nowhere and vice versa. But that’s not the situation we got with O5 Cyclops and Corsair. Instead, we got a quiet moment where Corsair comes clean to his son, revealing everything he had been keeping from him. In some ways this counts as a post-death bed confession of sorts, which I imagine is fairly common in the Marvel universe. Corsair tells his son how he died, why he didn’t return, and that he had a long lost brother that he never knew about. It’s some pretty heavy shit to lay on a teenager who already learned he grows up to be somewhat of an asshole. But it’s done in a way that is heartfelt and honest. This doesn’t lead to the usual, "You have betrayed me, father! I shall dedicate the rest of my life blaming you for all my problems!" It ends up bringing O5 Cyclops and his dad closer while also filling in some outstanding plot holes that have been lingering since The Trial of Jean Grey. It’s not going to astonish anybody with action or epic struggles. But it will give everybody that reads it a warm and fuzzy feeling inside in a way not found outside the ending of "Field of Dreams." Cyclops #3 gets a 9 out of 10. A story about a teenage boy hanging out with his father isn’t usually associated with great stories. But in this day and age where too many fathers end up becoming Darth Vadar and too many sons end up becoming George W. Bush, it’s epic in its own special way. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #2

I usually don’t like surprises that don’t involve a free lap dance, free beer, or a nipple slip from Jessica Alba. Not saying I hate them. I’m just saying that cocaine is a hell of a drug. Few surprises that don’t involve free beer are usually that pleasant. That’s part of what made Cyclops #1 such an awesome book. I had no idea what to expect when I read the first issue and not just because I sustained a concussion the previous night in an argument that involved Star Trek and pizza toppings…I think. This was one of those comics where it could have been really awesome or really shitty. More often than not, the outcome usually requires an air freshener at the very least. Not Cyclops #1. This new series succeeded in making O5 Cyclops more awesome and less brooding than his adult counterpart. It actually told a story about a teenage boy hanging out and having an awesome time with his father. Seriously, when was the last time we ever got a story about a teenage boy and his father that didn’t turn into a Dearth Vadar situation? Now we have a series that gives O5 Cyclops a chance to learn how to be awesome from his father and Corsair has a chance to be awesome in a way that doesn’t involve banging a hot alien cat woman. Everybody wins. That said, Cyclops #2 isn’t in a position to pleasantly surprise me the way the first one did. The bar is now higher and it’s hard to imagine how it will be matched without more hot alien cat women.

Minus hot alien cat women, an space road trip that involves seeing an alien form of the Grand Canyon, flying through space and collecting glowing alien bowling balls, and watching an alien form of cockfighting in an alien stadium is the next best thing. And just as he promised, Corsair takes his son to all these places and helps him enjoy the wonders of the galaxy. He even lets him land an alien ship. Seriously, what kind of father lets their teenage son pilot an alien ship? The awesome kind, that’s what.

It’s a great montage of father/son moments, complemented by some nice inner monologue from Cyclops. There are some references to Hamlet, but it all boils down to one simple realization. The universe is fucking amazing and his dad is fucking awesome. It would only be more awesome if his father weren’t keeping a secret from him. As was hinted at in the previous issue, Corsair isn’t exactly in peak condition, despite having a hot alien cat woman for a girlfriend. He has been taking these fancy drugs, which I’m sure the DEA would make illegal in a heartbeat, to keep himself alive. Seeing as how he was supposed to be dead up until the Trial of Jean Grey, this reveals that it’s still an ongoing issue. And it’s an issue that is bound to bite him in the ass at some point.

That doesn’t mean he’ll let it keep him from showing his son a good time during their little space road trip. Their next destination involves some place called Yrzt, which sounds like the sound a guy makes when someone shocks his balls with a taser. Not saying I’m speaking from personal experience. I’m just saying I’ve been in a Dutch brothel. Corsair describes this planet as the Las Vegas of the galaxy, which means it’s the kind of place where a pirate can drink, gamble, and bang alien prostitutes to his heart’s content. Again, what kind of father takes his teenage son to a place like that? The awesome kind, that’s what. While O5 Cyclops doesn’t get to see strippers with bad boob jobs and live shows involving Elvis impersonators, he does get to see naked aliens. Being a teenage boy, I’m sure he’ll still find that sexy.

Corsair then leads him into an alien bar. Admittedly, awesome parents don’t always follow the law, especially bullshit laws about drinking ages. But it happens to be closed and Corsair isn’t interested in getting his teenage son drunk off alien booze. Even an awesome dad isn’t that irresponsible. Instead, he’s there to visit an old associate, Baroque. He’s basically a cross between a sumo wrestler and a squid. There’s some hostility at first, but I guess that counts as a term of endearment among pirates and deviants. There’s even a nice little jab at Corsair having been dead recently, something that could have easily been glossed over, but has been a developing story since The Trial of Jean Grey. It’s a nice moment among deviants, hoping to discuss raiding, plundering, and alien boobs. There’s even a reference to strippers. What kind of father has experience with strippers? If I have to answer that again, then I’ll never get the point across.

It would have been nice if they were just there to talk about all the ways he bangs hot alien cat women with Baroque. He was getting a fresh batch of the drug that appears to be keeping him alive. The fact that he has to go to the black market and cash in favors from old friends shows that not only is he desperate, but health care in space sucks just as bad.

While Corsair and Baroque have their Breaking Bad moment, Baroque summons Vass. She’s another cute alien girl with green hair, blue skin, and red eyes and she’s supposed to keep O5 Cyclops occupied while the grown-ups talk. It doesn’t sound sexy, but for a teenage boy, it’s still sexy enough. Their parts might not even fit, but that’s not a deal breaker for most teenagers. If couch cushions could talk, they would verify my position. She’s supposed to show him the Senex. It sounds like an alien peep show, but Corsair deems it appropriate enough for his teenage son and that’s good enough.

It’s probably an uncomfortably awesome moment for O5 Cyclops, finally meeting a hot alien girl that’s more his age, assuming of course Vass is as old as she looks. I’m sure that’s just as common a problem in Yrzt as it is in Las Vegas. But they don’t end up doing anything that will inspire another shitty Species movie. They just have some simple innocent fun. Yes, teenagers are capable of doing that. Fox News just doesn’t bitch about it as often.

O5 Cyclops still doesn’t know about his father’s condition. How can he when a cute alien girl invites him into what looks like an alien diner. She even manages to get him a milkshake. O5 Cyclops is understandably skeptical at first, knowing that aliens couldn’t possibly have access to fresh milk and chocolate. For all he knows, this milkshake was made with alien semen and fungus. But since a cute alien girl is encouraging him, he does it. And remarkably, it tastes like a real chocolate milkshake. It makes for another awkward moment, which is to be expected with teenage boys and girls. It’s so cute that it’s bound to be ruined by something. But instead of parents or high school administrators, this one is ruined by Skrulls. I still say that high school administrators are worse.

It turns into a bar fight, minus the alcohol and vomit. O5 Cyclops may be on a road trip in space with his father, but trouble still finds him somehow. I imagine every teenager feels like that, but this time it’s more than just teen angst. Like a good aspiring Summers, he kicks some Skrull ass and protects the pretty alien girl. That’s enough to make any father proud. However, there’s a catch. This whole scenario was even more innocent than it seemed.

Turns out, the Senex isn’t quite as dirty as my perverse imagination led me to believe. It was just a glorified Danger Room where O5 Cyclops could enjoy the company of a hot alien women in a more comfortable setting. Okay, that sounded dirtier than it needed to be, but again there’s nothing about it that could be turned into freaky alien porn. It’s a little awkward, but given O5 Cyclops’s experience in the Danger Room, it doesn’t shock him as much as it would most teenage boys. It allows him and Vass to part ways on a positive note. If he’s lucky, Vass will think of him the next time she’s in the shower or whatever her species does for private time.

After they leave, Corsair and O5 Cyclops continue their little romp around Yrzt. While Corsair gets O5 Cyclops to try more alien food, he gives him a brief lesson in dealing with Skrulls. It’s not an unreasonable lesson to teach. He points out that his older self has dealt with them in the past and there are very few heroes in the future who haven’t had to deal with their shape-shifting douche-baggery. And since they are in space, there’s always a chance they could run into one of them disguised as an alien hooker. It’s even worse than ending up with a hooker that just likes to tie men up, steal their clothes, and pawn their cell phone. Maybe this is Corsair’s way of telling his son to avoid alien hookers. It’s way more effective than the sex ed I got in high school.

It would probably make for another uncomfortable father/son conversation so maybe O5 Cyclops should be relieved on some levels when they’re attacked by a bunch of alien bounty hunters. Being in the Las Vegas of space, it’s expected to have plenty of other deviants running around. Some of them have probably developed a hefty gambling debt and picking up a wanted pirate would help them get back to the tables. It makes for another battle, but this time it’s not simulated and there are no milkshakes. And unlike Corsair’s last battle, he doesn’t fare as well this time. To be fair, he’s not in peak physical condition. But it’s a nice reminder that he’s still a pirate.

Corsair might not be at the top of his game, but O5 Cyclops more than compensates. This time, he’s the one who gets to kick ass and he gets to do it outside of a simulation. In addition, it gives O5 Cyclops a chance to wield that Badoon sword he took in the previous issue. Why does Cyclops need a sword? Why the fuck not would be a better question? He puts both it and his optic blasts to good use, taking down the bounty hunters with a swagger that would probably soak the panties of every telepathic woman in a 1,000 light year radius. He might still be a teenager who is still awkward as fuck around girls, but he can still kick plenty of ass. I’m sure Corsair had to wipe away tears of joy after this.

O5 Cyclops, still oblivious to his father’s condition, leads him back to the ship and takes off. As far as he’s concerned, this was nothing more than that part of a road trip where they eat at the wrong diner, piss of the wrong people, and have to beat up a few douche-bags to get back on the road. But he got to meet a cute alien girl so I think that counts as a win-win. However, during the battle, Corsair lost the medication he had been using to keep himself alive. If that weren’t bad enough, another alien bounty hunter who is badly in need of a trip to the dentist has started tracking them. I guess that point on the road trip where everything starts going to hell is just around the corner.

The previous issue was a nice reminder of why Corsair embodies the awesome that makes Summers men so noble and so irresistible to beautiful women, especially telepaths and alien cat women. In one issue, he showed O5 Cyclops how to be a badass space pirate and make women horny at the same time. It’s a vital lesson for any teenager. But in this issue, it’s O5 Cyclops who got to step up and remind readers why he grows up to be the guy that bangs Emma Frost and Jean Grey. His father gets into trouble, but he’s able to save him. It’s another wonderful father/son moment in a series that has already had more than the last seven seasons of the Simpsons. It really shouldn’t be such a novel concept, telling stories about a teenage boy learning to be a better man from his father. Yet in an era where Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin are seen as the most competent father figures, that’s exactly what this comic conveys. Now that father/son relationship promises to face some significant new challenges and it doesn’t just involve wading through a sea of panties. There’s so much to enjoy in the present and so much to look forward to with this series. That’s why I give Cyclops #2 a 9 out of 10. I honestly didn’t expect this series to be this good, but like finding a bag of weed in my couch cushion, I welcome the awesome it brings. Nuff said!