A Cosmic Crescendo: Guardians of the Galaxy and X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1

The following is my review of Guardians of the Galaxy and X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There are certain games where the urge to cheat is just too great. Games like Contra are the best example where the temptation isn't just extreme. It's downright necessary to stand a chance of getting to the final boss. Cosmic power in comics are akin to cheat codes in video games. It does take away some of the fun. It does negate some of the satisfaction that might come from overcoming the odds. We all want to feel like Rocky Balboa after he just beat Ivan Drago. But there are times when we need to be Ivan Drago in order to stand a chance.

The threats faced by the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy during the Black Vortex would make even Rocky reach for the extra dose of steroids. The scope and scale of this crossover story has already defied the odds, creating a cohesive narrative with a large cast of characters and finding ways to make every character feel relevant. Part of what has kept it cohesive is that despite the cosmic chaos surrounding the power of the Black Vortex, the source of the conflict is painfully simple. It all starts and ends with Mr. Knife, also known as Starlord's father. Like King Joffrey in Game of Thrones, he's the least likable person in the universe. He's also the unifying force that has driven the conflict throughout this story.

At this point, Mr. Knife has done everything possible to make the universe hate his guts. He's recruited Thanos' son, he's tried to kill his own son, and he encased an entire planet in amber and did it with a smile that rivals Jack Nicholson in The Shining. He's done so much to vilify himself that using cosmic power/cheat codes to beat him wouldn't make it less satisfying. Guardians of the Galaxy and X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1 finally puts the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy in a position to finish him off and make this vast crossover story into a finished product. That product isn't a freshly cut diamond, but it's close and it has plenty of other gems to offer.

At this point in the story, there's no more teasing. There's no more subtlety. Like a toddler on an elevator pushing all the buttons, everything is pure spectacle. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy are battling the Slaughter Lords, trying to keep them from the Black Vortex. At the same time, Spartax is about to be turned into an oversized ant farm for the Brood. This led Kitty Pryde to submit to the Black Vortex in a last desperate effort to prevent her boyfriend's father from making her universe more miserable. Together, it creates a cosmic convergence of sorts that couldn't be more satisfying without fireworks and a barbecue.

The battle unfolds quickly, lacking the detail of earlier struggles. But at this point in the story where multiple characters have received cosmic upgrades, it can't be that slow. Between the events of Age of Ultron and the upcoming events of Secret Wars, the fabric of the Marvel universe just can't take it. But it still puts all the right pieces in place and has them clash in a way that doesn't feel forced or random. It's like the opposite of the last two Transformers movies and without any overly gratuitous shots of female characters' butts.

That's not to say a female character doesn't steal the show. While the battle against the Slaughter Lords, Mr. Knife, and Ronan provide the meat of the struggle, it's Kitty Pryde who provides both the steak sauce and the desert. She's the one who ends up saving Spartax. She's the one who ends up defeating the Brood and the rest of Mr. Knife's forces. It turns out a cosmic powered Kitty Pryde is basically the anti-Dark Phoenix. She saves worlds and terrifies those who would destroy them. And she does this all in the presence of her boyfriend, Starlord. It's probably the most romantic gesture a girl could do for her lover that doesn't involve lingerie.

This resolution has plenty of cosmic muscle, fitting the scope and scale of the story in all the right ways. However, some parts were still rushed. After the defeat of the Brood, Ronan and the Slaughter Lords essentially cut their losses and decide that they're woefully overmatched against a cosmic powered Kitty Pryde. They're not entirely wrong. Even with cosmic power of their own, they know they have no chance against a girl who is doing everything she can to impress her boyfriend. It's not entirely forced, but it does make the end result feel somewhat abrupt. That's not to say they were completely defeated. They still left with cosmic power. That's a way better consolation prize than anything on The Price is Right.

However, the resolution of the battle isn't what gives the story it's greatest impact. With Mr. Knife and the Slaughter Lords defeated, some of the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy are given the chance to give up their cosmic power. Given their history of being corrupted by cosmic power, it's not an unreasonable chance to take. Some opt to take that chance. Others opt to keep their power, ensuring that this story will have some lasting effects. Some of those effects may still get retconned thanks to a convenient spell cast by the Scarlet Witch, but it still makes for a profound moment for certain characters. They got a taste of cosmic power and like vacation to Europe gone horribly wrong, it's bound to effect them in different ways.

But the biggest emotional impact of the Black Vortex comes from Kitty Pryde and Starlord. That's entirely fitting since this whole conflict began with the two of them dealing with Starlord's deranged father. After having dealt with him, they decide there's no use wasting their time with more dinner dates and cosmic bowling. Starlord decides to propose to Kitty Pryde on the spot. After a girl uses cosmic power to humiliate his tyrannical father, I think that seals it. Starlord would've been crazy if he didn't propose to her on the spot and the reactions from the X-men and the Guardians is entirely appropriate.

The entire Black Vortex crossover has been vast in terms of scope and scale, yet it never felt overly chaotic or contrived. Numerous characters had a chance to shine. And for once, a story that involved cosmic power didn't end in tragedy. Nobody died. Nobody came back to life. Instead, the biggest impact was a marriage proposal. In an era where too many great stories end with sacrifices that make the creators of Prozac even richer, Guardians of the Galaxy and X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1 offers something sweet, satisfying, and epic. Let's just hope that Peter Quill doesn't get marital advice from Peter Parker.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Guardians of the Galaxy and the X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1

Maybe I've become a jaded drunk over the years or maybe my expectations have just become more realistic, but I've become numb to these big crossover events. I've seen too many of them amount to the comic book equivalent of a used tampon. Stories like the Fear Itself and Avengers vs. X-men show that it's unreasonable to expect that these stories end with unbroken spirits and intact assholes. For that very reason, crossover stories that are done right are all the more precious. They're like getting an extra lap dance at a strip club or a free blowjob from a Hooters waitress. It's something to cherish and enjoy for all its worth.

I freely admit I was not expecting the Black Vortex crossover to be anything special. But damn it, this story has found a way to inject so many awesome concepts into something that sounds like a story Chris Claremont told during the mid-80s. It took what the Trial of Jean Grey successfully established, showing that a decent crossover story between the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy isn't a fluke. It turns out that a story that involves mutants, talking trees, and cosmic-powered shit storms is a winning formula. I guess if a movie like Frozen and the Hangover can be a hit, why not?

This crossover story has spanned multiple titles and explored multiple characters. Yet it has found a way to remain coherent and awesome. It would be like me passing a sobriety test during Mardi Gras in New Orleans. So many characters have found ways to shine. Even Nova has had his moments. That alone is an accomplishment that I doubt Secret Wars will match. But after all these tie-ins and diverging conflicts, the final clash has arrived. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy have to beat Mr. Knife before he tears the universe one too many assholes. Can Guardians of the Galaxy and the X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1 provide a satisfying conclusion worthy of a Bankok massage parlor? The answer is a bit complicated, but in the best possible way.

Fittingly enough, Kitty Pryde sets the stage. She lays out the simple yet epic scenario. Spartax is encased in amber, thanks to Mr. Knife and Thane's douche-baggery. A group of cosmic-powered X-men and Guardians of the Galaxy are fighting off the Slaughter Lords to keep them from the Black Vortex. And the Brood are trying to turn the entire population of Spartax into all-you-can-eat alien buffet. It's as epic as it sounds. With so many characters involved and cosmic power in the mix, it should be utterly fucked up like the last three Phoenix Force retcons. But it wasn't. I read this drunk and I still understood it. For all the crossovers and tie-ins, this story has found a way to be concise enough for a drunk to follow. That alone is an accomplishment.

Also fittingly, it's Kitty Pryde who has to save Spartax, the planet her boyfriend's father tried to screw over in ways that even Richard Nixon would find excessive. She embraced the Black Vortex, becoming this uber cosmic spirit that looks like something Richard Gere would pray to. It's eerie, yet elegant. It's ominous, yet still sexy in a cosmic way. It's not Jean Grey level sexy, but it still has that epic cosmic scale. There's also some amazing inner monologue that helps Kitty describe what she's experiencing. Some of it sounds like what I thought the last time I took one too many hits of LSD, but most is completely genuine.

This has been one of the biggest strengths of the Black Vortex crossover. It has given every character a voice at some point. So many have had a chance to assess what it means to battle cosmic power and how it feels to either embrace or reject it. For a story that involves fighting Starlord's asshole father and Thanos' asshole son, it's amazingly profound. The fact it's so profound without the aid of weed is a hell of an accomplishment.

The stakes of the battle are never undersold. It isn't just the Slaughter Lords the X-men and Guardians have to deal with either. Even Ronan the Accuser has flown head-first into this cosmic shit storm. It already led to battle that laid waste to the Kree home planet, but that's never stopped him before. Even though it's his own damn fault for stealing the Black Vortex in the first place, he's blaming the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy for it. That sounds like an excuse that a corrupt police officer working for the LAPD would use, but it works just as well for Ronan.

The battle here is undeniably epic. However, it's lacking in details. Every character is just thrown into the mix. There are no individual struggles. And maybe that might be asking for too much when cosmic power is involved. A battle like that can only get so personal. When there's a cosmic power Ronan and a cosmic powered Groot in the same battle, there can't be too many intricacies. That's like asking someone at a Coldstone to strategically place every sprinkle on top of a hot fudge sundae. It doesn't matter how the sprinkles are ordered. It still tastes pretty damn good.

Usually, these kinds of cosmic battles end up tearing the universe a few extra assholes before someone gains the upper hand. But for once, that doesn't happen. Instead, a cosmic powered Kitty Pryde tips the scale. It doesn't take a tragic sacrifice. It doesn't require Tony Stark to shoot something with a big fucking gun. She just takes this vast power that she's been granted and uses it to remove the big amber shell around Spartax, thereby saving every living soul on that world and her friends.

I want to emphasize this again. Kitty Pryde used this cosmic power to save an entire world and nobody had to die as a result. That's pretty fucking remarkable considering how often cosmic-powered characters tend to die or sacrifice themselves. It's almost like a perverse tradition at Marvel that's second only to frat initiation rituals. Some might find it bland, but I think it's a welcome change after seeing one too many tragic outcomes from cosmic powered stories.

I'm not the only one who feels this way either. Everyone on Spartax, including the X-men and Guardians who were trapped, rejoice at Kitty Pryde's act of cosmic-level badassery. Nobody dies. Nobody is sacrificed. Everybody is saved and everybody cheers. Anyone who can't find satisfaction in that needs to go back to their goth music and shitty makeup. It's especially satisfying for Starlord, who saw earlier that he was too much of a dick to handle the power of the Black Vortex. But Kitty Pryde could handle it and she saved his world. That act should give him the least awkward boner in the history of the Marvel universe.

After this massive display of planetary justice, the Slaughter Lords wisely decide to cut their losses. Someone who can rip a planet-sized shell of amber away and crush a swarm of Brood is someone they don't want to fuck with. Even Ronan decided there's only so much accusing he can do for someone at that power level. He might as well be a traffic cop trying to give Vin Disel a parking ticket. And since Mr. Knife already managed to get his ass trapped in amber, they decide they've had enough cosmic mojo for one day. And since the Black Votex is still around, they figure they'll have other chances.

Now this is somewhat abrupt. The way the Slaughter Lords and Ronan retreat feels a bit rushed, even if it is understandable. They're smart for cutting their losses. They Slaughter Lords and Ronan have proven they're not the kind of thugs that a James Bond villain would hire. They got something out of this and were okay with how it panned out. However, the lack of a definitive defeat for them is still a bit disappointing even if it is logical on paper. Sometimes we can't expect logic to be epic unless Bill Nye is the one teaching it.

Now the Slaughter Lords are gone and so are the Brood. Spartax is safe and so are its people. So what's left for the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy? Some of them still have cosmic power that could corrupt them at any second. Then there's Gara, the ancient Dragonball Z ripoff who first got screwed over by the Black Vortex. She's fought hard to get it back and neither the X-men nor the Guardians are inclined to fight her for it. However, she understands that it's not good for the universe to have one too many cosmic characters running around.

So she makes an offer to those who submitted. They can give up their cosmic power and avoid further corruption, but warns them that rejecting it is kind of like spitting in the face of a Celestial. It may come back to bite them in the ass. And this kind of power does have a way of leaving scars, as though anyone who has ever known Jean Grey has to be warned of that shit. It still makes for an interesting dilemma in a series that has had plenty of them.

This leads to some internal debate, although not nearly on the same levels as we saw earlier in the series. There is some discussion among certain characters about whether to keep their cosmic enhancements. But some, like O5 Cyclops, don't need to discuss it. He already saw what happened to him when he embraced cosmic power. He has all the reason in the world to give it up. But the decisions for characters like Groot and O5 Iceman aren't as obvious. There's not a lot of discussions with them.

But what makes those decisions worthwhile is that some choose to keep their cosmic power, O5 Angel and Gamora being the most notable. This is actually pretty remarkable in the sense that it ensures this story will have a lasting impact. This isn't one of those stories that end like an episode of the Friends where everything goes back to normal at the end. There are going to be some lasting impacts. Some have already been revealed in other comics. It easily could've been undone so as not to fuck things up too much before Secret Wars. But that's not what happened and that makes these decisions more meaningful.

The one who probably has the most to lose is Beast, who is finally beginning to see that he might have been the omega level asshole by fucking with the timeline. He saw with his cosmic enhancements just how much he fucked up. Him keeping his cosmic power would be like Lance Armstrong keeping his medals. It just wouldn't be right. So he joins O5 Iceman, O5 Cyclops, and Groot in removing their cosmic enhancements. They don't seem to have any lasting scars initially, but I guess that's the benefit of Tony Stark not shooting it with a big ass gun.

With the decisions made, Gara leaves with the Black Vortex. Then the Guardians of the Galaxy do what they did on their last team-up with the X-men and take them home. But along the way, Kitty Pryde and Starlord have a nice moment. It turns out Kitty didn't give up her cosmic power. Why would she after she proved she was more than qualified to handle it? She passed the test that Jean Grey failed on multiple occasions, saving a world and not losing her fucking mind. She's earned the right to embrace these powers, if only for a while. And Starlord, having watched his girlfriend save his home planet, has every reason to romance the shit out of her. Any woman who saves a man's home planet and makes his asshole father look like a dick has earned a man's unconditional love. That's just a fact.

Starlord seems to understand this rule well because he does more than just share a few kisses and offer to take her on a fancy date. He actually does something that the editors at DC Comics swore they would never let their characters do. He gets down on one knee and asks Kitty Pryde to marry him. I'll give all the tweens a moment to squee as much as they need to. Men, feel free to squee as well. There's no shame in it.

Now I know the topic of marriage in comics has a permanent shit stain thanks to Peter fucking Parker, but I think there's still a place for it. And while I know the relationship between Starlord and Kitty Pryde is fairly new, having only begun after the Trial of Jean Grey, it's a relationship that has hit all the right chords. And let's face it, after Kitty Pryde saved his world, Starlord would be a total asshat if he didn't propose to Kitty. And in her cosmic state, she knows he's not just trying to get on her insurance plan so she says yes.

This is a beautiful moment for the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy. For Thane, Mr. Knife, and Ronan the Accuser, this is right up there with working late on a Saturday night. Mr. Knife is still encased in amber, which makes him a perfect addition for the Collector. Ronan is still pissed off that his planet was decimated, even though it was his own damn fault. But he's now a cosmic-powered douche so he has even fewer reasons to give a shit. These are some simple loose ends that are resolved in a very quick way, but at least they're not glossed over. These days, that alone counts for a lot.

And Thane, the son of Thanos, still wants to succeed where his father constantly fucked up. However, he knows he can't do that without the Black Vortex. He's going to keep looking for it, even though Gara has it now. It leaves open the possibility that we'll get something else out of this story down the line. Given the extent of its awesome, I can't say that's a bad thing.

But fuck Thane. Fuck Ronan the Accuser. And fuck Mr. Knife from here until the end of the multiverse. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy won the day and they deserve this happy moment. There's nothing ominous or dark about this ending. There's no eerie post-credits scene. We just get to see the X-men and the Guardians cheering as they hear that Starlord and Kitty Pryde are getting married. It's a beautiful moment. Even Magik smiles and she's got a fucking demon realm in her. Storm is so happy that she even asks Rocket Racoon to be her date to the wedding. It sounds like such a fucked up concept, but admit it. You want to see that and some of you might even want to jerk off to it.

There's no tragedy. There's no heartbreak. Kitty Pryde and Starlord have the happy ending that so few outside of a Disney movie get these days. It's basically the anti-Dark Phoenix Saga. Cosmic power corrupts some, but it also helps save the day. Kitty and Starlord were already at a crossroads with their relationship before this story began. Now they're getting married. It's the end of an epic journey that has a very satisfying conclusion. And an ending where nobody's heart gets broken or nobody's balls gets busted is epic in its own right.

Let me put this into perspective before my drunken ranting gets too slurred. This crossover story, the Black Vortex, did something pretty amazing. It told a big crossover story that involved cosmic power and it didn't involve someone dying or sacrificing themselves. Let me repeat that. This story involved cosmic power without someone having to make a sacrifice or get needlessly killed. I think everyone who has been burned out on stories like the Phoenix Saga can appreciate just how remarkable an accomplishment that is. Not only did nobody die here, but there's actually going to be a wedding now and Storm might actually take Rocket Racoon as a date. I dare anybody to say with a straight face they don't want to see that.

As remarkable an achievement as the Black Vortex crossover was, it still isn't on the same epic scale as the Phoenix Saga. Very few stories are. This story succeeded in telling a story that covered a lot of characters and utilized cosmic forces, but it did so in a way that never got too chaotic. I never felt the need to sober up in order to follow along and for a story this big, that's saying a lot. As a drunk, I thank Sam Humphries for being so considerate.

There were plenty of successes here and Kitty Pryde being the one that ended this conflict was by far the best. However, the end result was a bit rushed. And while there was some debate over giving up the power of the Black Vortex, it wasn't as passionate as earlier discussions over it's power. Some still gave it up and some still kept it so at the very least, the impact of this story will be felt beyond Kitty Pryde and Starlords pending nuptials. It's a cosmic story that ended on a happy note, something that helps make this crossover story something to be cherished. That's why I give Guardians of the Galaxy and the X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1 a 9 out of 10. It's a story that has exceeded expectations and proved once again that the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy are a winning combination. I guess it's just hard to go wrong with stories involving space pirates, talking raccoons, and inter-stellar romance. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Legendary Starlord #11

There are just some problems that cannot be fixed, no matter how hard anyone tries. And I’m not talking about making a shitty internet connection bearable. Human beings just aren’t conditioned to endure shit like that. I’m talking about issues that are a clusterfuck of circumstance. Kitty Pryde has been in her share of clusterfucks, some of which ended up with her in a fucking bullet that got launched into space. But after getting involved with a number of guys named Peter and fucking it up along the way, she finally found a Peter she could enjoy in Starlord. There’s a good dick joke in there, but it’s just too easy.

The problem is Peter Quill’s father is a cosmic-level douche-bag. How big of a douche-bag can he be? He tried to murder his son at least once a week and he froze a whole planet in amber. And he did this without the Black Vortex. Giving him power like that would be like giving King Joffrey the Ultimate Nullifier. More than anything else, this latest crossover between the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy established that Starlord’s father is a monumental douche of galactic proportions. And with Mr. Knife closing in for the kill in Legendary Starlord #11, time is running out. All Starlord wanted to do was have some fun with his girlfriend and watch Rocket get drunk with Groot. Was that really so much to ask?

Since the both the Brood and the Slaughter Lords are involved, I guess that question doesn’t need an answer. Kitty Pryde gets things going with a few painful reminders about her weakness for cute boys named Peter. It all started with her and Starlord pissing off his father by stealing the Black Vortex. Then it ended up with her getting encased in amber. I have had my share of shitty dates, but that definitely ranks in the top five. At least Kitty didn’t wake up in the back of a pickup truck next to a goat and used bottle of lube.

She and Starlord are trying to protect Spartax from the Slaughter Lords, who are trying desperately to do Mr. Knife’s dirty work for him so he can continue pleasuring himself to the screams of his son and his son’s girlfriend. Magik even joins in the fun. But even a demon-powered teenage girl can only do so much against the Slaughter Lords and the Brood. Again, Starlord’s father is just that big an asshole.

There’s some really nice inner musings here by Kitty Pryde. Numerous characters have had a chance to show their thoughts in this story. Usually, this stuff is easy to overdo, like putting wasabi on a taco. But it definitely helps give weight to the story here. It also allows Kitty Pryde to assess just how bad the situation is. They’ve got the Brood, the Slaughter Lords, and Starlord’s father. On top of that, some of their friends are still stuck in amber. Forget having a shitty date. This is right up there with divorce, a tax audit, and being sued by Rupert Murdoch.

That’s not to say that all is lost. In the midst of this cosmic shit storm, Captain Marvel manages to make it back to Spartax. It’s another example of perfect convergence between the issues. She was able to get the Black Vortex away from Mr. Knife, but ended up getting chased by Gara, who got drunk on the Black Vortex eons ago. So her day has sucked just as much. Even so, having the Black Vortex in their possession goes a long ways towards ensuring that Mr. Knife won’t use it to fuck them over even more. It still attracts a larger shit storm, but it’s one they can still navigate.

Gara makes sure they don’t get too lazy. Because the Brood and Mr. Knife weren’t enough, she decides to kick up more shit by demanding they give the Black Vortex to her. Since this woman looks about as trustworthy as used car salesman at a lot owned by Cobra Commander, they’re not exactly inclined to give it up. And since Gara has a few billion years of experience with this thing, she’s willing to fight dirty. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy try to hold her off by throwing Magik at her. Again, a demon-powered teenage girl can only do so much. Believe me, I’m just as shocked that I have to keep pointing that out.

The intensity of this battle, along with the lingering threat posed by the Brood and the Slaughter Lords, leads some to think that a little extra cosmic power might be warranted. At this point, they might as well be playing Contra without cheat codes. It’s a losing battle with so many enemies. And since they have the Black Vortex, why the fuck not?

Well that kind of logic breaks down when O5 Jean Grey decides to take a dip in the cosmic pool. However, any X-men fan who has been alive since the mid-80s knows she has shittier luck than most when it comes to cosmic power. She wants to do it to save Spartax this time. Her heart is in the right place, but 5 billion D’brai would argue that’s not enough.

It’s a tense moment and one that could’ve easily turned the Black Vortex into the 1,988,584^th rip-off of the Phoenix Saga, but that’s not what happens. O5 Jean comes close to submitting, but Starlord stops her. He and Kitty Pryde agree that her history with cosmic power is just too spotty. While she might take offense to that, I don’t think she would deny it. She might be an irrational teenager, but she even she’s not willing to be this reckless. She should probably stick to weed, beer, and porn like most teenagers.

But someone still needs to tap a little of that cosmic power to tip the balance. Otherwise, they might as well be pissing into the cosmic wind. They all agree that they stand no chance against the Brood, Gara, and the Slaughter Lords without cosmic power. So being the responsible boyfriend, Starlord decides to volunteer. It’s fitting in many ways. It’s his father who’s causing this shit. He’s the one trying to show Kitty Pryde that he’s different from the other Peters she’s dated. This could be his chance to earn a permanent place in her panties.

So he takes a look inside the Black Vortex and he sees his cosmic version. And I gotta say, it’s pretty damn awesome. He doesn’t become a monster. He doesn’t go batshit crazy and decide snuff out an entire star system out of sheer boredom. He just becomes a supremely powerful, supremely confident cosmic badass. He’s basically like Han Solo, Captain Kirk, and Chuck Norris all rolled into one, plus cosmic power. He could both save Spartax and upstage his father. There couldn’t possibly be any downside to it. Hell, he could end this conflict while jerking off if he wanted.

However, there is another part of that vision into his cosmic awesome that makes him think twice. In addition to being a cosmic-powered badass, he also becomes a cosmic-powered douche-bag. He’ll save the day. He’ll upstage his father. He might even become the most celebrated cosmic figure since that three-titted woman in Total Recall. But in doing so, he would lose Kitty Pryde. Apparently, slutty women of every alien race find cosmic-powered douche-bags sexy. And with that kind of power, Starlord just can’t resist being the asshole that pushes Kitty away.

It makes for another powerful, emotional moment in which Starlord rejects this power. As much as he and everyone who ever saw Star Wars wants to be a badass, he’s not willing to break Kitty Pryde’s heart. Now is it selfish? Yes, to some degree. Does it sound like the kind of exaggerated romantic ploy that belongs in a bad Hugh Grant movie? Kind of. But it makes Starlord show more humility than he’s shown in a long time. It’ll give some women a pussy boner, but it still leaves the situation unresolved.

There’s still the matter of the Slaughter Lords and the Brood. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy want to save Spartax and they need cosmic mojo to do it. This is where things get a little choppy. Gara, who has had a rage boner since she showed up in this story, takes a moment to lecture them on how fucked they are if they try to tamper with the Black Vortex. She knows because she fucked with it billions of years ago and ended up destroying her entire race. It’s a story that was already explored early in the Black Vortex crossover. Getting a reminder really doesn’t add much to it. She tells them noting that they didn’t already learn in the Phoenix Saga. If they fuck with this power, they may save Spartax. But they may end up turning countless other planets into the equivalent of downtown Detroit.

There’s some light debate on the merits of using the Black Vortex at this point. It’s nowhere near as spirited as earlier debates. That’s a bit of a problem because the stakes are much higher now. They’re not just looking to take this cosmic power for a cruise down the cosmic highway and show off to whatever the space equivalent is for cute cheerleaders. They’re trying to save a planet and stop Mr. Knife from wielding a cosmic-powered rage boner. It’s a debate that should be a lot more emotional, but it falls flatter this time.

In the end, it does lead to a meaningful decision. While Starlord and O5 Jean Grey might not be able to handle this power, Kitty Pryde decides she’s willing to risk it. She doesn’t have as big a history of murdering 5 billion aliens or being a space-outlaw douche. She is probably in the best position because she has the most incentive. She’s trying to help her boyfriend’s home planet. She’s trying to piss off her father. Short of carrying his child, Kitty Pryde has every conceivable reason to wield the power of the Black Vortex and not screw up. It still feels like Gara and Starlord don’t do or say enough to dissuade her, but it’s still a moment that carries a lot of weight.

So without any more meaningful debate, Kitty Pryde decides to take the jump and embraces the power of the Black Vortex. This time, we don’t get any visions of what could happen if she fucks up. We don’t see her sitting by a pool while a bunch of male strippers named Peter serve her martinis. Instead, she becomes this cosmic-powered ghost who looks like she’d haunt the nightmares of Mr. Knife and bless the wet dreams of every man named Peter in the history of the universe. It’s not quite as spectacular as Jean Grey embracing the Phoenix Force or Thanos wielding the Infinity Guantlet. But it is eerily beautiful in its own special way and the emotions behind her choice still carry plenty of weight. The only problem at this point is that Starlord probably has to hide the most awkward boner of his life.

This issue wasn’t epic in that it didn’t have the same cosmic-powered smackdowns that previous issues had. There was a lot more talking and a lot less planets being turned into a giant Jurassic Park prop. Granted, that talking was meaningful. Nobody ever got off-topic and started discussing the NFL draft or anything like that. And it did move the story forward. Once again, the overall Black Vortex story remained concise and focused. Given the size and scope of this story, it deserves a steak dinner and a blow-job. That still didn’t keep it from dragging a bit more than previous issues. And the absence of Mr. Knife and the rest of the team didn’t help. At times, it felt like only half a pizza. It’s still better than no pizza, but not as good as it could have been.

Even with all the talking and repetitive whining, this issue made a solid contribution to the Black Vortex story as a whole. It also played up the emotional undertones between Starlord and Kitty Pryde. Even though some of those undertones felt too Twilight-esque at times, it still felt genuine. The emotions don’t feel overly forced, but they’re not going to make anyone think they did an extra line of blow. It was still enough to make Kitty Pryde’s decision at the end feel meaningful. It took a while and it was a bit predictable, but it still felt right. That’s why I give Legendary Starlord #11 a 7 out of 10. All Starlord wanted to do was enjoy his time with his girlfriend and not have to save the galaxy. His dad is just that big of a douche and the Black Vortex is just that much of a cockblock. I think a lot of men can relate to some degree. It still beats being dragged to a shitty Johnny Depp movie. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #12

If Murphy’s Law had actually been passed by a real politician, I’m confident that said politician would have been tarred, feathered, and forced to listen to every One Direction song until the end of time. It’s one of those laws that can’t be bribed or stashed away in the glove box like a bunch of unpaid parking tickets, some of which go back to the Bush administration. If something truly can go wrong, the universe will make it happen like a horny meth head trying to fuck a banana peel. It may take some creativity and some lube, but it’ll happen.

For the X-men, Murphy’s Law has an amendment regarding cosmic power on the level Phoenix Force. That amendment basically states that if anyone gets drunk on cosmic power, especially if that someone’s name is Jean Grey, bad shit is going to happen. It’s like giving Mel Gibson truth serum, a recorder, and a book of famous Jewish men. It’s not going to end well. The Black Vortex isn’t quite the same as the Phoenix Force, but it has the potential to be the light beer version of it. The X-men, the Guardians of the Galaxy, and the Starjammers are trying to stop too many people from going on a bender. In Cyclops #12, someone throws a few tequila shooters into the mix to test this amended version of Murphy’s Law. It may or may not end in a total cosmic shit storm, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be entertaining as fuck.

And when it comes to entertainment, how could a prison break involving pirates not be entertaining? Seriously, Joel Shumacher would have to come out of retirement to make something like that seem awful. This is exactly what O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot need. They ended up getting captured by Mr. Knife while helping the rest of the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy escape Spartax. And since Mr. Knife is about as welcoming as Tom Cruise at a convention of psychiatrists, they definitely need to be rescued. They can’t expect to stay in one piece for very long for a guy who probably jerks off to thoughts of torturing his son.

O5 Cyclops even fantasizes about the kind of rescue operation that his father would have to carry out to save him. It’s so vivid and specific that we don’t immediately know it isn’t happening and probably wouldn’t know if previous issues hadn’t already shown Corsair getting the Jurassic Park treatment in amber. But even if it isn’t real, it shows that O5 Cyclops has become pretty adept at thinking like a badass space pirate. And this kid is only 16. Most 16-year-olds these days are thinking about Jennifer Lawrence naked in a tub of chocolate pudding. O5 Cyclops knows how to make good use of his thoughts and unlike the Michael Jackson’s of the world, he has good reason to trust his father. It’s a big part of what has made this series so enjoyable.

Unfortunately, like a bad hangover coupled with a surprise visit from the IRS, O5 Cyclops gets a slap in the face from reality. And unlike most immature teenagers, he accepts it. He senses something is wrong because his father hasn’t shown up to pull off another one of his badass rescues. It’s not entirely inaccurate either, but his concern still feels genuine. This isn’t the callous, bitter adult Cyclops who probably misses seeing Emma Frost naked. This is a young, uncorrupted Cyclops who has come to appreciate his father’s skills while learning that he doesn’t have to be a total dick to get the job done. It even almost got him some alien pussy so it has to be genuine.

Unlike his experience with Captain Malafect, O5 Cyclops doesn’t have to endure this crap alone. He has O5 Iceman and Groot to keep him company. And also unlike his adult form, O5 Iceman hasn’t been corrupted by whatever powerful forces made his adult self such a douche-bag. He doesn’t bust O5 Cyclpos’ balls for shit he did or might do in the future. He just tries to be a good friend like he used to be when he was the kind of guy I didn’t want to punch in the jaw. It’s another one of those more innocent elements that adds sincerity to this moment. But it also shows just how fucked they are as prisoners of Mr. Knife.

They don’t stay fucked though. Unlike O5 Iceman, O5 Cyclops did spend a lot of time learning to be a badass space pirate. That means if his father can’t come to rescue him, then he’ll do it himself. And he’ll do it without the promise that Emma Frost or Jean Grey will reward him with lingerie and flavored lube. That in and of itself should demonstrate how awesome O5 Cyclops can be.

What he does would make Jack Sparrow and Captain Kirk both proud and confused. Somehow, he’s able to use his optic blasts to activate a fingerprint scanner. It sounds a bit too much like Batman’s shark repellant and it is. I don’t remember Corsair ever teaching him shit like this, but it definitely feels like something a pirate would do, as contrived it may be.

The only problem is that escaping didn’t even partially unfuck their situation. They’re still on a ship surrounded by mercenaries hired by Mr. Knife. That’s like sobering up while still in the middle of a bar fight. It doesn’t necessarily give them an advantage. It even has the potential to make them even more fucked.

Since they can’t expect Mr. Knife to treat escaped prisoners any better than he treats his outlaw son, they fight. And by that I mean they run. I know Captain Kirk would’ve probably fought, but he probably would’ve been killed too or made useless to all sexy alien women for the rest of his life. There are times to fight and times to run and this one doesn’t leave much wiggle room.

So they run and they eventually find the Black Vortex. This isn’t as contrived as it sounds. In a previous issue, the Slaughter Lords did retrieve the Black Vortex for Mr. Knife. So it does fit the overall narrative. But the fact that it’s not locked up in a safe guarded by an army of Chuck Norris clones is a bit confusing. Maybe Mr. Knife just too cheap to splurge on a vault or something. I guess if the Death Star can be destroyed by one shitty thermal exhaust port, Mr. Knife can be cheap.

But finding the Black Vortex presents O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot with a tough dilemma. They’re surrounded in a ship of Mr. Knife’s ruthless mercenaries and they quickly end up trapped. They’re not going to fight their way out of this shit. The only chance they have of surviving is to give into the Black Vortex. O5 Iceman is all for it, but O5 Cyclops is understandably reluctant. He still remembers how cosmic power fucked up Jean Grey and led him to killing Professor Xavier. It’s another moment of sincere conflict and the fact he hesitates shows that learning about his adult self has affected him in a meaningful way. He’s trying to not be that guy and getting drunk on cosmic power certainly can’t help in that effort.

As time starts to become a factor, he gets what he believes to be a telepathic message, courtesy of O5 Jean Grey. I guess this is her way of making up for O5 Beast cock-blocking him earlier. This allows him to get a heartfelt message from Corsair, who tells him what has already been made painfully apparent over the course of this series. O5 Cyclops is not like his adult self. He’s shown that he can do the right thing for the right reasons. He doesn’t have to be a ticking time bomb waiting to kill Charles Xavier or jump into bed with Emma Frost the first chance he gets. He can be something better and his father trusts him to be that man.

Because of this trust, O5 Cyclops decides to take a big chance at pissing off karma again and submits to the Black Vortex. It’s a powerful moment in that he does this in a very different set of circumstances compared to his older self or Jean Grey. He didn’t have this power thrust on him. Tony Stark didn’t shoot it at him with a big ass gun. He chose to embrace this power and intends to use it for the right reasons. That may still fly in the face of the whole concept of power corrupting, but that shit is a lot less meaningful when surrounded by Mr. Knife’s thugs.

So once again, Cyclops is imbued with cosmic power. O5 Iceman and Groot get it too. And with this power, the fight becomes about as fair as a cage fight between Andre the Giant and Justin Bieber. It makes for a beautifully potent moment where the three of them paint the walls with the humiliation of Mr. Knife’s thugs. And this time, Cyclops’ cosmic costume isn’t a complete rip-off of Red Robin. So DC’s lawyers can put their dicks back in their pants.

There’s no cosmic rage. No planets start burning and nobody starts blaming O5 Cyclops for launching an attack on Wakanda. They remain in control and badass. The only thing that doesn’t work is O5 Iceman’s cosmic form. Seriously, he looks like a frost giant fucked Orlando Bloom. It is by far the least imposing cosmic form he could possibly have. I guess this is the universe’s way of telling him his adult self is a total douche.

Armed with this power, they fight their way out of Mr. Knife’s fortress and make sure they take the Black Vortex with them. They are now feeling pretty damn good about themselves. They can finally let their cosmic nuts hang a little. They don’t get to hang for very long though. They end up running right into a battle between the X-men, the Guadians of the Galaxy, Nova, and the Slaughter Lords. I still think it’s an upgrade compared to being in the same ship as Mr. Knife, but not by much. This also helps link this issue up with the events of the others because the other cosmic-enhanced friends also realized that it was in everybody’s interest to keep the Black Vortex away from Mr. Knife and the Slaughter Lords. It shouldn’t take cosmic power to realize that, but I try not to hold that against them. Mr. Knife is just that big a douche.

O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot immediately try to help their friends. But O5 Cyclops is more concerned with contacting his dad again. He fails and even loses track of the Black Vortex at one point. Captain Marvel ends up saving his ass, saying she and the others have plans for dealing with this thing. They just have to get through the Slaughter Lords first.

Captain Marvel even gives O5 Cyclops more incentive by revealing that Mr. Knife had Thane encase the entire planet Spartax in amber and that includes his father. So right now, she doesn’t know if his father is alive or dead. But he is in a shitty situation that can become a lot shittier if Mr. Knife gets his hands on the Black Vortex.

It makes for one last emotional moment that helps sum up all the emotions that this series has explored. First, O5 Cyclops finds out that the telepathic message he got from his father earlier wasn’t actually a message. It was just his own mind creating the message for him. But for once, a voice in his head isn’t a sign that he’s going crazy or letting Emma Frost fuck with him again. It shows just how big an influence Corsair has had on him.

Spending time with his father has helped O5 Cyclops understand the man he ended up becoming. It also helped him understand the kind of man he has to be if he doesn’t want to become the asshole that Wolverine badly wants to stab. In the end, he realizes that he doesn’t have to become this morally gray asshole that bases his decisions on how much it’ll piss off the Norman Osbornes of the world. He can just do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing.

It’s a perfect way to sum up the journey he’s taken since joining his father. He’s rediscovered what it means to be the kind of Scott Summers that people don’t want to stab repeatedly. He can still be that lovable boy scout that he is at heart. He doesn’t have to be corrupted by all the crazy shit that happens to him. He can take all these skills and powers and use them to save the world. If anyone not named Wolverine can still hate him after that, then they’re just assholes.

Reading this issue was bittersweet and not just because it was another quality insight into the mind of a teenage Cyclops. Ever since this series began, it has succeeded way beyond a typical father/son getaway. At a time when legions of fans are bitching and whining about Cyclops’ character on every comic book message board in existence, this series helped remind everybody why Cyclops was such a great character to begin with. And more than anything else, this young version of Cyclops proves that his older self really did lose his way. And O5 Cyclops can still get the job done without becoming Emma Frost’s personal gigolo.

In addition to being bittersweet, this issue also did a great job maintaining the tone of the series while effectively tying it into the events of the Black Vortex. It effectively incorporates the events of O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot’s imprisonment with the events that unfolded in other issues. It wasn’t completely seamless, but it was effective in every meaningful way. It adds detail and depth to a story that has already offered plenty. It also adds a fitting cap to help give O5 Cyclops some perspective on the journey he’s had since this series began. It’s fun, heartfelt, and meaningful. And that’s something that Cyclops just hasn’t had since he first learned how clones fuck everything up. Cyclops #12 gets a well-deserved, albeit solemn 9 out of 10. I want to give it a perfect score, but I just can’t reward how goofy a cosmic-powered Iceman looks.

On a final note, I know Cyclops fans are in a strange place right now, bitching and moaning about how he’s handled the Last Will of Charles Xavier and AXIS. But please, my fellow nerd-rage addicts, take a moment to appreciate what this series has given us. This is a kind, caring, lovable Cyclops that doesn’t get overly drunk on cosmic power. He’s the kind of guy we don’t mind hooking up with the Jean Greys and Emma Frosts of the world. Please, for those not overly hardened by internet trolls, appreciate that and cherish this series for what it is. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Guardians of the Galaxy #25

Cosmic power in the Marvel universe is like tequila. It’s incredibly potent and can make all sorts of wonderful shit happen. But it’s also extremely easy to abuse and can cause a world of pain. In the same way most people can’t handle tequila, most can’t handle cosmic power either. And something like the Black Vortex is akin to making tequila more potent while tasting as good as a chocolate milkshake with whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles on top. There are very few ways that shit can’t be abused to a horrible degree. And so far, the Black Vortex crossover has done plenty to make the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy swear off cosmic power and tequila for the foreseeable future.

However, they haven’t quite reached the point where the nasty hangover kicks in just yet. They’re still in the midst of the kind of cosmic bar fight that usually ends with cracked skulls and multiple concussions. Beast, Gamora, and O5 Angel have already caused the kind of mess that’s usually reserved for a Spring Break holiday in Cancun by a bunch of frat boys armed with Donald Trump’s credit card. At some point, the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy have to play the part of the asshole bartender that cuts them off. Guardians of the Galaxy #25 takes them one step closer to that nasty hangover, but it also shows that they would probably make shitty bartenders.

That hangover can’t come soon enough for Hank McCoy. This is a guy who has been drunk on his douche-baggery for way too long. He’s so smart, but he can’t see the omega level asshole he’s become. He bitches about Cyclops, but offers no solutions. He whines about tapping immense power, but fucks up the space-time continuum to bring the O5 X-men back from the past. If his hypocrisy were any worse, Ted Haggard would try to buy meth from him. At some point, he has to see how badly he’s fucked up. Well that time has finally come. It just took cosmic level power for him to do it. That’s both ironic and hypocritical.

He laments to Gamora how he stuck his dick in the sadistic bitch that is hypocrisy, thinking he was doing the right thing. And just like Cyclops, the guy he can’t stop bitching about, he thought he could handle the power and the responsibility. Now that he has the power of the Black Vortex, he realizes he’s fucked. Even with cosmic power, he can’t undo the damage he did. It’s still too late to make him less of an asshole, but that doesn’t make this any less refreshing. Like someone lost in the desert, this feels like a nice cold beer. It’s still not enough, but it’s more progress than Hank McCoy has had in years.

Beast’s overdue humility still doesn’t help the friends he’s screwed over. A team of X-men, Guardians of the Galaxy, and Nova attempted to get to Hala to retrieve the Black Vortex from Ronan. They arrived on a planet that Beast, Gamora, and O5 Angel did a damn good job of fucking up. And Ronan even got in on the act, using the Black Vortex for himself and deciding to give the finger to his home world as well. I guess he understands that he has a lot of catching up to do if he wants to reach Hank McCoy’s level of douche-baggery. The X-men and the Guardians understand this and they want to use the Black Vortex to return their friends to a state that’s slightly less overpowered.

It’s a perfectly reasonable request. It’s in the universe’s best interest to have fewer cosmic-powered assholes running around. So of course the Supreme Intelligence tells them to piss off. He’s okay with just sealing it away and using the Kree’s might to subdue these cosmic-powered renegades. That has some merit on some levels. And by that, I mean it has as much merit as a war plan organized by Dick Cheney. But it’s at least somewhat balanced. That’s something this whole story has been pretty good at maintaining, even when characters like Ronan and Beast are involved. That alone is quite an accomplishment.

Balance or not, the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy aren’t inclined to be overly diplomatic. They came expecting to resort to Jack Baur’s tactics, knowing that the Supreme Intelligence was never going to be overly generous. So Starlord decides intelligence is overrated and starts shooting while Nova takes the Black Vortex. It makes for a pretty epic escape, complete with Captain Marvel punching the Supreme Intelligence in the face. For her, that’s like me kicking my old gym teacher in the balls. It’s just that satisfying.

It’s also satisfying to see Nova finally do something meaningful. His presence in this story was a bit forced, but he’s finally found a way to contribute. He’s still an immature kid who has seen Indiana Jones one times too many, but that only makes his battle against the Kree Accusers more entertaining. I’ve never been much of a Nova fan because he comes off as the teenage Peter Parker that Andrew Garfield failed to be, but I will give him credit here. Any kid who can go up against the Kree and pwn them appropriately deserves respect.

Nova’s efforts to escape with the Black Vortex are still dependent on the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy’s ability to keep the Supreme Intelligence from using Nova as chewing gum. They have to take part in another epic battle in a story that has already had plenty. But like a nap on a beach in Maui, it’s one of those things that’s hard to overdo.

The battle is intense, but brief. However, it’s not rushed because it’s brief for a damn good reason. Even though the X-men and the Guardians are surrounded by Kree Accusers and a very pissed off Supreme Intelligence, they still have O5 Jean Grey on their side. That’s like bringing the Death Star to a knife fight. They have the edge. And O5 Jean even uses this as a chance to exercise the powers she gained during her last adventure with the Guardians of the Galaxy, turning the psychic energy around her into an unstoppable wave of pants-shitting awesome. The Supreme Intelligence is the lucky one here because it doesn’t wear pants, but I’m sure it wished it did.

With the Supreme Intelligence down for the count, the X-men and the Guardians can escape. They just have to trust that Nova found a way to escape with the Black Vortex. That’s right. They trust that an immature teenager who only recently got access to the power of the Nova corps can protect the Black Vortex from the Kree. That’s like trusting Russian teenagers with a crate of grenades and an unlimited supply of vodka. It’s not going to work.

The result is somewhat predictable. Nova eventually does fuck up, but it’s not from the Kree. One of the Slaughter Lords that had been sent to Hala to retrieve the Black Vortex for Mr. Knife finally joined the party. Since the Kree couldn’t get the job done, he decides to show them how it’s done. I hope the Kree took notes. Nova is the one who gets pwned this time and he doesn’t have the luxury of a pissed off Jean Grey to back him up. So while he did show some competence against the Kree, the Slaughter Lords remind us that he’s still a teenager.

But neither the Slaughter Lords nor Mr. Knife are content to just rough up some whiney teenager and take the Black Vortex. That just seems too half-assed. Mr. Knife decides he has to go the extra distance to prove he’s now the biggest asshole in the universe, leapfrogging Hank McCoy and Iceman by several light-years. To do that, he decides to turn his ship on Hala and finish what Beast, Gamora, and O5 Angel only started. He destroys the whole fucking planet.

It’s not clean or swift like the Death Star either. Mr. Knife is the kind of asshole who likes to rip the wings off a bug and torture it for a while before he crushes it. He bombards the planet with missiles, so much so that he rips out a chunk of the planet. It’s every bit as epic as it sounds and then some. It forces the X-men and the Guardians, as well as most of the Kree, to get the fuck off that planet as if it were the site of an upcoming Justin Bieber concert. It shocks even Starlord, who already knew his father was an asshole, just not on this scale.

Now it was a given that a few planets would get fucked up during this story. Any story involving cosmic-powered characters is bound to rearrange a few solar systems. But Mr. Knife did this shit without the aid of the Black Vortex. He just had to be a total douche-bag with a big ass ship and a complete disregard for life in general. It’s another example, albeit terrifying, of the balance this story has maintained. But that only adds to the overall awesome.

Mr. Knife has now firmly established himself as the last person in the universe who should have the power of the Black Vortex. He doesn’t just order the destruction of Hala. He takes pleasure in it like a guy jerking off to animal porn. He paints it as a good thing for the galaxy, although he doesn’t hide that he blames the Kree for him losing his world. So there’s also an element of vindictive douche-baggery at work here, as if he needed.

The thought of this guy having the Black Vortex should make the universe as a whole shit itself. And for a moment, it looks like he has it. The Slaughter Lords roughed up Nova and took it. They should be preparing for the party when Mr. Knife takes a big cosmic shit on the ruins of Hala. However, one of them reveals they lost the Black Vortex. It’s not entirely clear how it happened, but it is revealed that it’s still with Nova. Somehow he managed to wrestle it away when he wasn’t busy looking like an immature teenager. It’s a bit of an oversight that could be easily addressed in another issue. Or it could just be one of those cases where an immature teenager gets lucky. If it’s ever going to happen, it should happen at a time like this to keep an asshole like Mr. Knife from getting the Black Vortex.

The problem is the Black Vortex is still out there and it’s still vulnerable for any cosmic asshole to exploit. That’s why Magik and Rocket Raccoon were tasked with finding Gamora, Beast, and O5 Angel and hope they’re not too drunk on cosmic power to help. Even they have to agree on some levels that keeping Mr. Knife away from the Black Vortex is in everybody’s best interest.

There’s some funny moments with Rocket Raccoon, but there’s also a meaningful conversation here. There have actually been many of those in a story that has already blown up a planet so that’s saying something. Magik uses her experience with being Dormammu’s mystica; prison bitch to relate to Gamora’s plight. I won’t say it’s a perfect analogy, but it does speak to the same themes of dealing with overwhelming power. And that’s something they’re all dangerously close to failing at.

Then they pick up on the destruction of Hala and now there’s some fucking urgency to not fail. And since cosmic power wasn’t even used to destroy it, Gamora and Beast decide it’s time to stop waving their cosmic-powered dick around and help their friends. It’s another small step towards Hank McCoy’s long road to being likable again. He still has a long fucking ways to go. If it takes the destruction of a whole planet for him to get his shit together, then it might not be worth it.

Even so, Mr. Knife is already going in the opposite direction and he’s well on his way to surpassing Beast’s douche-baggery at an exponential rate. He might not have the Black Vortex, but he does have a few hostages. The Slaughter Lords were able to take O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot prisoner when their teammates were escaping Spartax. Now Mr. Knife wants to use them as bait to get the Black Vortex back. He also makes sure to inform them that he just blew up a planet and got a big fucking boner while doing it. He then makes clear he’s willing to do that to Earth while the surviving Kree give him a hand-job. It’s a fucked up situation that even Groot can’t sufficiently articulate. I get it, Mr. Knife. You’re a bigger asshole than Beast now. I concede. This issue makes that abundantly clear in the most awesome possible way and ensures more planets could blow up before this is over.

When the Black Vortex crossover started, I think everybody got the impression that this was the comic book equivalent of an NFL preseason game. It was meaningless filler meant to bridge the gap to the regular season, which in this case I guess would be Secret Wars. But somehow, the Black Vortex has found a way to be awesome on a truly epic level. It couldn’t be more proficient without being a star quarterback married to a Brazilian supermodel. This issue truly reinforced the epic scale of this story. A fucking planet got blown up and not in the casual Phoenix Force kind of way either. It was a massive, Independence Day style attack that hit all the right emotions without being derailed by a Will Smith character.

Any crossover story can start strong. I’m sure Battlefield Earth felt interesting to some during the first five minutes. But Black Vortex keeps finding a way to build momentum. It’s getting so many great characters involved. The X-men, the Guardians of the Galaxy, the Starjammers, and even Nova are all finding a way to be awesome in their own right. The struggle keeps taking new turns. Some are personal and way fucking overdue, as with everything involving Hank McCoy. Some are just epic in a way that blows up half a fucking planet. Mix that shit together and it’s like Jack and Coke. It’s a beautiful, potent combination that’ll get people fucked up in all the right ways. I give Guardians of the Galaxy #25 a 9 out of 10. Fuck the preseason. This story is a playoff contender now. Just hope that it doesn’t fail to complete the process of making the catch or it can end badly. Just ask Dez Bryant. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #11

We all tell crazy lies at some point in our lives. Sometimes we do it to get ahead. Sometimes we do it to get laid. Sometimes we do it because we work at Fox News and lying is the only way Rupert Murdoch can get an erection anymore. Contrary to what the hippies may say, most lies are harmless. But certain lies can do a fuckton of damage if they come out the wrong way. Most of us learn that lesson in our youth, especially during our teen years. O5 Cyclops is learning that lesson in the hardest way possible.

For once, Cyclops did everything right. He did the right thing for the right reason. He saved his father from Captain Malafect. He even went out of his way to save Captain Malafect’s crew when he didn’t have to. Even the assholes who still bust his balls for what happened with Madelyne Pryor have to admit he’s done all the right things. But that just wasn’t enough for Vileena, the hot alien girl who wanted to show him her inter-species mating rituals. Even alien teenage girls don’t give a shit about the circumstances. He lied to her and that pisses her off in a way that justifies ball busting torture. It’s a tough lesson that men have to learn at some point in their lives and O5 Cyclops gets to learn it in Cyclops #11. But it’s going to be an important lesson, especially if he’s going to survive dating Emma Frost.

First, he has to survive being the latest of Vileena’s unfortunate love interests. As it turns out, she has a bit of a history with cute young pirates. And it’s not unlike the same history a hungry piranha has with a wounded duck. It’s revealed through some flashbacks that O5 Cyclops isn’t the first hormonal male who has been smitten with Vileena’s charms. And like the Hilton kids, she never hesitates to exploit her family’s resources.

She wants her father to torture O5 Cyclops in every horrible way imaginable and a teenage girl can imagine some pretty fucked up shit. And I’m sure under most circumstances Captain Malafect wouldn’t hesitate to listen to his precious little girl’s whining the same way Paris Hilton’s family entertained her failed music career. There’s just one big fucking problem. They’re in a busted ship and the big fancy weapon they hoped to sell for a fuckton of money is broken. And since badass pirates can’t afford to be broke, they have to work smart. Money does indeed trump whiney teenage girls. It’s one of the few forces that can.

This takes the conflict to a special little hell hole called Tjaro-6. It’s basically an even shittier version of Mos Eisleys in Star Wars. It’s basically a pirate’s den, but it doesn’t just trade in weapons, ships, and Wookie furs. It also trades in slaves. It’s basically what sweatshop owners wish existed. And this is where Malafect wants to take O5 Cyclops and Corsair. I think on some levels Vileena would be okay with that.

But it’s not just Corsair and O5 Cyclops who have to enjoy this colorful speck of hell in the galaxy. The rest of the Starjammers were lucky enough to be rescued by slave traders. And where do slave traders go to take their cargo? I guess Tjaro-6 is the Wal-Mart of slaves. Now this also makes for a galactic level coincidence. The Starjammers just happened to be picked up by slave traders and they just happen to end up in the same place as Corsair and O5 Cyclops. Even if Tjaro-6 is the Wal-Mart of slaves, it’s still quite a coincidence. I won’t say it’s overly contrived. They’re pirates. I imagine they cross paths with slave traders at least once a week. So it does fit in that context. It just feels too convenient in a galaxy large enough to have more than one slave post.

Convenience or not, it still makes for a less-than-pleasant reunion between Corsair and his crew. They arrive shortly after Hepzibah and the others are thrown into cells. So if he and O5 Cyclops were hoping the rest of the Starjammers would rescue them, he can pretty much flush that down the toilet along with his dignity. They don’t even give him the courtesy of a conjugal visit. These are slave traders, not medium security prisons, not discount motels along the Jersey Turnpike. However, I imagine the beds are just as comfortable.

Before Corsair and O5 Cyclops get thrown into a cell, O5 Cyclops attempts to reason with Kratyr. He’s the big yellow Thing rip-off who O5 Cyclops went out of his way to save during their battle against the Shi’ar. He’s not Captain Malafect and he’s not Vileena. O5 Cyclops never broke his heart or made him horny. He has a reason to help O5 Cyclops. He’s the one who directly benefited from O5 Cyclops’ annoying tendency to be a boy scout. But it wasn’t enough. He still throws them in a slave cell, knowing they’ll probably get sold into an alien plantation or an alien zoo, whoever has deeper pockets pays better.

However, the torture and indignation that O5 Cyclops and Corsair would endure as slaves still isn’t enough for Vileena. Like a spoiled rich girl who is upset over having one less Bentley than her neighbor, she demands that O5 Cyclops die. It’s a perfectly irrational demand for any teenage girl to make, alien or otherwise. The problem is that few badass space pirates succeed by listening to the whims of teenage girls and Captain Malafect understands this.

He calmly explains to her that killing O5 Cyclops and Corsair will just make things harder for them in the long run. Their ship already got fucked up after their battle with the Shi’ar. They need money in order to fix it. Since the starcracker is trashed, they need to sell O5 Cyclops and Corsair as slaves. That way they have the money to fix their ship and get the fuck away from the Shi’ar before they can come looking for their missing starcracker. It’s a perfectly reasonable explanation. It makes good sense from a pragmatic and logistical level. But since when has that ever been enough to satisfy a pissed off teenager? Being reasonable and pragmatic just doesn’t compute for an immature teenage mind. Captain Malafect might as well be trying to convince a dog not to lick its balls.

This puts O5 Cyclops and Corsair in a very bad position. They’re about to be sold off as slaves. They even watch as the rest of the Starjammers get sold off and hauled away. This is usually the time where most people just start shitting themselves and not bother to ask for a change of underwear. Corsair certainly seems ready to take a knee, but O5 Cyclops remains convinced that they have to fight. Like I said, teenage minds simply can’t compute logistics sometimes. Corsair says they need a miracle, but they end up getting the next best thing.

Remember O5 Cyclops’ annoying tendency to be a boy scout and how that ended up screwing them over by helping Malafect? Well, it also ended up saving their miserable asses because the shackles on them just suddenly unlock. It’s not a miracle. O5 Cyclops figures out it comes courtesy of Kratyr, the Thing rip-off he went out of his way to save earlier. He set their shackles to unlock themselves. That way they can save themselves and he doesn’t screw himself over. It’s not just a perfect crime. It’s wonderfully befitting.

This is the kind of shit that the adult Cyclops forgot. Being the boy scout and doing the right thing may cause some nasty complications, some of which include pissing off vindictive ex-girlfriends. But it does pay off in the long run. Karma can screw people over, but it can deliver a much needed shot in the arm when shit starts to get heavy. It shows that there’s genuine merit to O5 Cyclops’ tactics. Even vehement Wolverine fans have to concede that this was much more effective than trying to solve every problem with claws and whiskey.

Once O5 Cyclops and Corsair escape, they race to get the fuck out of this slave pit. But their escape does not go unnoticed. And of course Vileena is the first one to make them wish they could live the rest of their lives as slaves. She manages to hunt them down and she brings a big fucking gun with her. She may not dress in the overtly sexual outfits of the Goblin Queen, but a big fucking gun is just as effective as an army of goblins. And she’s able to do what I’m sure Madelyne Pryor dreams of doing when she jerks off, punching O5 Cyclops right across the face after he tries to apologize. Considering what she could’ve done, I still think he got off easy.

This is where the pacing gets a little choppy and rushed. I get shit is starting to hit the fan, but it happens a little quickly. Vileena and Captain Malafect find O5 Cyclops and Corsair pretty damn quickly. That’s perfectly understandable. They want them to suffer. Why wouldn’t they keep a close eye on them? It just doesn’t flow as well as other recent shit storms in this series. I’m sure that still won’t stop the anti-Cyclops fans from enjoying the sight of Vileena decking him in ways that would get her suspended from the NFL.

But she does more than just punch him. She makes it clear that she really did care about O5 Cyclops. She’s not just some crazed teenage girl who enjoys getting pissed off at her love interests, although she doesn’t seem to mind. She really did care about O5 Cyclops. And his betrayal really did hurt her. It makes her cosmic hissy fit a bit more meaningful. That’s more than can be said for Madelyne Pryor. She tries making O5 Cyclops pay by shooting his father. I guess that basically ruins any possibility of break-up sex.

This is when Captain Malafect also gets in on the fun. Being a good father who spends time with his daughter and shares her passions, she decides to help her maim O5 Cyclops and Corsair. He goes after Corsair specifically, making a point at how much he hates it when hormonal boys hurt her daughter. He also takes plenty of that frustration out on Corsair. But for Corsair, his son’s ability to be a pain in Captain Malafect’s ass is a compliment. I guess that’s two things they both have in common. They’re very proud of their children and they’re willing to help them kick ass when it needs to be kicked. It’s the joys of fatherhood, minus the complications caused by Maury Pouvich.

The battle between the two sides is intense and visceral. That’s what makes it satisfying. This is a battle between two rival space pirates and two hormonal teenagers. It’s like Pirates of the Caribbean meets the Jersey Shore, taking two things that suck and making something awesome out of it. The emotions help make it an awesome battle. But it also ensures that it ends tragically.

Because she’s in a pissed off, overly emotional state, Vileena makes another poor decision. She attempts to throw a knife at Corsair and O5 Cyclops saves him. But in her anger, she fails to notice her father right behind him and the blade ends up killing him instead. It makes for another emotional moment. In her anger over a boy, she ends up killing her father. But being a teenage girl, chances are she’s not going to learn from that mistake. It’s a powerful moment that also gives O5 Cyclops and Corsair a chance to escape. O5 Cyclops offers his condolences, but he might as well offer her cupcakes laced with meth because there’s nothing that’s going to fix this situation for her.

The pacing gets a little rushed and choppy again, but it still helps tie up the remaining loose ends. Once free, O5 Cyclops and Corsair take out the slave traders who took the Starjammers. They then get the fuck out of this slave pit and back into the cold darkness of space, which at this point is like a beach in Maui.

But for Vileena, it’s not nearly as pleasant. She and the crew of the Desolation have a funeral for her father that they clearly ripped off from Star Trek. The crew then names her the captain because making a pissed off teenager a leader has always turned out well, as Game of Thrones has shown. I guess pirates should watch more HBO because Vileena makes it clear she’s now on Madelyne Pryor’s team. She wants to make O5 Cyclops suffer, even though she’s the one responsible for her father’s death. Why? She’s a teenage girl. It doesn’t need to be logical.

When all is said and done, the Starjammers are finally back home. They make their way back to their ship and start repairing it. They can finally focus on being badass space pirates again. They’ve more than earned it. It also gives them a chance to catch up with some of the events in the galaxy they missed, namely the shit storm being caused by the Black Vortex. They were already aware of it. Now they’re set up for the perfect transition that’ll put them in the crossfire of more cosmic power and more emotional teenagers, talking trees, and Hank McCoy. Because why not? They’ve just handled a ruthless pirate and his vindictive daughter. They’re more than equipped to handle a cosmic power not named the Phoenix Force.

This series has had more than its share of defining moments for O5 Cyclops. These were the kinds of moments that would’ve sent his older self farther down that darker path he’s been following ever since Apocalypse mind-fucked him and Emma Frost gave him a repeated dose of sloppy seconds. But O5 Cyclops didn’t fall into that same trap. He resisted the urge to become a Wolverine-lite anti-hero. He remained the lovable boy scout who kept trying to do the right thing, even when it screwed him over. And more than anything else, this issue showed how being that boy scout can pay off.

It was because O5 Cyclops showed mercy and compassion to even his enemies that he escaped Captain Malafect. Sure, Vileena still hates his guts. Sure, she blames him for her father’s death even though she’s the one who threw the fucking knife. But mercy and compassion just aren’t enough for teenage girls. However, it is enough to save him and his father in the most fitting and satisfying way possible. He didn’t have to compromise. He didn’t have to lose his fucking mind or sell his soul. He just had to keep fighting and doing the right thing. Even Madelyne Pryor fans have to respect that.

This issue did so many things right. It wrapped up plenty of loose ends. And while it did get a little choppy in some areas, it provided a perfect transition into the Black Vortex crossover. There was emotion, drama, tragedy, and badass space pirates kicking ass. Anyone who is not satisfied with that needs to lay off the valium. Cyclops #11 gets a 8 out of 10. It also deserves to be added to the list of reasons why Cyclops is an awesome character. It’s not just that he can hook up with hot telepaths and cute alien girls. He can do so while being a nice, honest boy scout. In other words, Hank McCoy can go fuck himself. Nuff said!