A Cosmic Crescendo: Guardians of the Galaxy and X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1

The following is my review of Guardians of the Galaxy and X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There are certain games where the urge to cheat is just too great. Games like Contra are the best example where the temptation isn't just extreme. It's downright necessary to stand a chance of getting to the final boss. Cosmic power in comics are akin to cheat codes in video games. It does take away some of the fun. It does negate some of the satisfaction that might come from overcoming the odds. We all want to feel like Rocky Balboa after he just beat Ivan Drago. But there are times when we need to be Ivan Drago in order to stand a chance.

The threats faced by the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy during the Black Vortex would make even Rocky reach for the extra dose of steroids. The scope and scale of this crossover story has already defied the odds, creating a cohesive narrative with a large cast of characters and finding ways to make every character feel relevant. Part of what has kept it cohesive is that despite the cosmic chaos surrounding the power of the Black Vortex, the source of the conflict is painfully simple. It all starts and ends with Mr. Knife, also known as Starlord's father. Like King Joffrey in Game of Thrones, he's the least likable person in the universe. He's also the unifying force that has driven the conflict throughout this story.

At this point, Mr. Knife has done everything possible to make the universe hate his guts. He's recruited Thanos' son, he's tried to kill his own son, and he encased an entire planet in amber and did it with a smile that rivals Jack Nicholson in The Shining. He's done so much to vilify himself that using cosmic power/cheat codes to beat him wouldn't make it less satisfying. Guardians of the Galaxy and X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1 finally puts the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy in a position to finish him off and make this vast crossover story into a finished product. That product isn't a freshly cut diamond, but it's close and it has plenty of other gems to offer.

At this point in the story, there's no more teasing. There's no more subtlety. Like a toddler on an elevator pushing all the buttons, everything is pure spectacle. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy are battling the Slaughter Lords, trying to keep them from the Black Vortex. At the same time, Spartax is about to be turned into an oversized ant farm for the Brood. This led Kitty Pryde to submit to the Black Vortex in a last desperate effort to prevent her boyfriend's father from making her universe more miserable. Together, it creates a cosmic convergence of sorts that couldn't be more satisfying without fireworks and a barbecue.

The battle unfolds quickly, lacking the detail of earlier struggles. But at this point in the story where multiple characters have received cosmic upgrades, it can't be that slow. Between the events of Age of Ultron and the upcoming events of Secret Wars, the fabric of the Marvel universe just can't take it. But it still puts all the right pieces in place and has them clash in a way that doesn't feel forced or random. It's like the opposite of the last two Transformers movies and without any overly gratuitous shots of female characters' butts.

That's not to say a female character doesn't steal the show. While the battle against the Slaughter Lords, Mr. Knife, and Ronan provide the meat of the struggle, it's Kitty Pryde who provides both the steak sauce and the desert. She's the one who ends up saving Spartax. She's the one who ends up defeating the Brood and the rest of Mr. Knife's forces. It turns out a cosmic powered Kitty Pryde is basically the anti-Dark Phoenix. She saves worlds and terrifies those who would destroy them. And she does this all in the presence of her boyfriend, Starlord. It's probably the most romantic gesture a girl could do for her lover that doesn't involve lingerie.

This resolution has plenty of cosmic muscle, fitting the scope and scale of the story in all the right ways. However, some parts were still rushed. After the defeat of the Brood, Ronan and the Slaughter Lords essentially cut their losses and decide that they're woefully overmatched against a cosmic powered Kitty Pryde. They're not entirely wrong. Even with cosmic power of their own, they know they have no chance against a girl who is doing everything she can to impress her boyfriend. It's not entirely forced, but it does make the end result feel somewhat abrupt. That's not to say they were completely defeated. They still left with cosmic power. That's a way better consolation prize than anything on The Price is Right.

However, the resolution of the battle isn't what gives the story it's greatest impact. With Mr. Knife and the Slaughter Lords defeated, some of the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy are given the chance to give up their cosmic power. Given their history of being corrupted by cosmic power, it's not an unreasonable chance to take. Some opt to take that chance. Others opt to keep their power, ensuring that this story will have some lasting effects. Some of those effects may still get retconned thanks to a convenient spell cast by the Scarlet Witch, but it still makes for a profound moment for certain characters. They got a taste of cosmic power and like vacation to Europe gone horribly wrong, it's bound to effect them in different ways.

But the biggest emotional impact of the Black Vortex comes from Kitty Pryde and Starlord. That's entirely fitting since this whole conflict began with the two of them dealing with Starlord's deranged father. After having dealt with him, they decide there's no use wasting their time with more dinner dates and cosmic bowling. Starlord decides to propose to Kitty Pryde on the spot. After a girl uses cosmic power to humiliate his tyrannical father, I think that seals it. Starlord would've been crazy if he didn't propose to her on the spot and the reactions from the X-men and the Guardians is entirely appropriate.

The entire Black Vortex crossover has been vast in terms of scope and scale, yet it never felt overly chaotic or contrived. Numerous characters had a chance to shine. And for once, a story that involved cosmic power didn't end in tragedy. Nobody died. Nobody came back to life. Instead, the biggest impact was a marriage proposal. In an era where too many great stories end with sacrifices that make the creators of Prozac even richer, Guardians of the Galaxy and X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1 offers something sweet, satisfying, and epic. Let's just hope that Peter Quill doesn't get marital advice from Peter Parker.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Guardians of the Galaxy and the X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1

Maybe I've become a jaded drunk over the years or maybe my expectations have just become more realistic, but I've become numb to these big crossover events. I've seen too many of them amount to the comic book equivalent of a used tampon. Stories like the Fear Itself and Avengers vs. X-men show that it's unreasonable to expect that these stories end with unbroken spirits and intact assholes. For that very reason, crossover stories that are done right are all the more precious. They're like getting an extra lap dance at a strip club or a free blowjob from a Hooters waitress. It's something to cherish and enjoy for all its worth.

I freely admit I was not expecting the Black Vortex crossover to be anything special. But damn it, this story has found a way to inject so many awesome concepts into something that sounds like a story Chris Claremont told during the mid-80s. It took what the Trial of Jean Grey successfully established, showing that a decent crossover story between the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy isn't a fluke. It turns out that a story that involves mutants, talking trees, and cosmic-powered shit storms is a winning formula. I guess if a movie like Frozen and the Hangover can be a hit, why not?

This crossover story has spanned multiple titles and explored multiple characters. Yet it has found a way to remain coherent and awesome. It would be like me passing a sobriety test during Mardi Gras in New Orleans. So many characters have found ways to shine. Even Nova has had his moments. That alone is an accomplishment that I doubt Secret Wars will match. But after all these tie-ins and diverging conflicts, the final clash has arrived. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy have to beat Mr. Knife before he tears the universe one too many assholes. Can Guardians of the Galaxy and the X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1 provide a satisfying conclusion worthy of a Bankok massage parlor? The answer is a bit complicated, but in the best possible way.

Fittingly enough, Kitty Pryde sets the stage. She lays out the simple yet epic scenario. Spartax is encased in amber, thanks to Mr. Knife and Thane's douche-baggery. A group of cosmic-powered X-men and Guardians of the Galaxy are fighting off the Slaughter Lords to keep them from the Black Vortex. And the Brood are trying to turn the entire population of Spartax into all-you-can-eat alien buffet. It's as epic as it sounds. With so many characters involved and cosmic power in the mix, it should be utterly fucked up like the last three Phoenix Force retcons. But it wasn't. I read this drunk and I still understood it. For all the crossovers and tie-ins, this story has found a way to be concise enough for a drunk to follow. That alone is an accomplishment.

Also fittingly, it's Kitty Pryde who has to save Spartax, the planet her boyfriend's father tried to screw over in ways that even Richard Nixon would find excessive. She embraced the Black Vortex, becoming this uber cosmic spirit that looks like something Richard Gere would pray to. It's eerie, yet elegant. It's ominous, yet still sexy in a cosmic way. It's not Jean Grey level sexy, but it still has that epic cosmic scale. There's also some amazing inner monologue that helps Kitty describe what she's experiencing. Some of it sounds like what I thought the last time I took one too many hits of LSD, but most is completely genuine.

This has been one of the biggest strengths of the Black Vortex crossover. It has given every character a voice at some point. So many have had a chance to assess what it means to battle cosmic power and how it feels to either embrace or reject it. For a story that involves fighting Starlord's asshole father and Thanos' asshole son, it's amazingly profound. The fact it's so profound without the aid of weed is a hell of an accomplishment.

The stakes of the battle are never undersold. It isn't just the Slaughter Lords the X-men and Guardians have to deal with either. Even Ronan the Accuser has flown head-first into this cosmic shit storm. It already led to battle that laid waste to the Kree home planet, but that's never stopped him before. Even though it's his own damn fault for stealing the Black Vortex in the first place, he's blaming the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy for it. That sounds like an excuse that a corrupt police officer working for the LAPD would use, but it works just as well for Ronan.

The battle here is undeniably epic. However, it's lacking in details. Every character is just thrown into the mix. There are no individual struggles. And maybe that might be asking for too much when cosmic power is involved. A battle like that can only get so personal. When there's a cosmic power Ronan and a cosmic powered Groot in the same battle, there can't be too many intricacies. That's like asking someone at a Coldstone to strategically place every sprinkle on top of a hot fudge sundae. It doesn't matter how the sprinkles are ordered. It still tastes pretty damn good.

Usually, these kinds of cosmic battles end up tearing the universe a few extra assholes before someone gains the upper hand. But for once, that doesn't happen. Instead, a cosmic powered Kitty Pryde tips the scale. It doesn't take a tragic sacrifice. It doesn't require Tony Stark to shoot something with a big fucking gun. She just takes this vast power that she's been granted and uses it to remove the big amber shell around Spartax, thereby saving every living soul on that world and her friends.

I want to emphasize this again. Kitty Pryde used this cosmic power to save an entire world and nobody had to die as a result. That's pretty fucking remarkable considering how often cosmic-powered characters tend to die or sacrifice themselves. It's almost like a perverse tradition at Marvel that's second only to frat initiation rituals. Some might find it bland, but I think it's a welcome change after seeing one too many tragic outcomes from cosmic powered stories.

I'm not the only one who feels this way either. Everyone on Spartax, including the X-men and Guardians who were trapped, rejoice at Kitty Pryde's act of cosmic-level badassery. Nobody dies. Nobody is sacrificed. Everybody is saved and everybody cheers. Anyone who can't find satisfaction in that needs to go back to their goth music and shitty makeup. It's especially satisfying for Starlord, who saw earlier that he was too much of a dick to handle the power of the Black Vortex. But Kitty Pryde could handle it and she saved his world. That act should give him the least awkward boner in the history of the Marvel universe.

After this massive display of planetary justice, the Slaughter Lords wisely decide to cut their losses. Someone who can rip a planet-sized shell of amber away and crush a swarm of Brood is someone they don't want to fuck with. Even Ronan decided there's only so much accusing he can do for someone at that power level. He might as well be a traffic cop trying to give Vin Disel a parking ticket. And since Mr. Knife already managed to get his ass trapped in amber, they decide they've had enough cosmic mojo for one day. And since the Black Votex is still around, they figure they'll have other chances.

Now this is somewhat abrupt. The way the Slaughter Lords and Ronan retreat feels a bit rushed, even if it is understandable. They're smart for cutting their losses. They Slaughter Lords and Ronan have proven they're not the kind of thugs that a James Bond villain would hire. They got something out of this and were okay with how it panned out. However, the lack of a definitive defeat for them is still a bit disappointing even if it is logical on paper. Sometimes we can't expect logic to be epic unless Bill Nye is the one teaching it.

Now the Slaughter Lords are gone and so are the Brood. Spartax is safe and so are its people. So what's left for the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy? Some of them still have cosmic power that could corrupt them at any second. Then there's Gara, the ancient Dragonball Z ripoff who first got screwed over by the Black Vortex. She's fought hard to get it back and neither the X-men nor the Guardians are inclined to fight her for it. However, she understands that it's not good for the universe to have one too many cosmic characters running around.

So she makes an offer to those who submitted. They can give up their cosmic power and avoid further corruption, but warns them that rejecting it is kind of like spitting in the face of a Celestial. It may come back to bite them in the ass. And this kind of power does have a way of leaving scars, as though anyone who has ever known Jean Grey has to be warned of that shit. It still makes for an interesting dilemma in a series that has had plenty of them.

This leads to some internal debate, although not nearly on the same levels as we saw earlier in the series. There is some discussion among certain characters about whether to keep their cosmic enhancements. But some, like O5 Cyclops, don't need to discuss it. He already saw what happened to him when he embraced cosmic power. He has all the reason in the world to give it up. But the decisions for characters like Groot and O5 Iceman aren't as obvious. There's not a lot of discussions with them.

But what makes those decisions worthwhile is that some choose to keep their cosmic power, O5 Angel and Gamora being the most notable. This is actually pretty remarkable in the sense that it ensures this story will have a lasting impact. This isn't one of those stories that end like an episode of the Friends where everything goes back to normal at the end. There are going to be some lasting impacts. Some have already been revealed in other comics. It easily could've been undone so as not to fuck things up too much before Secret Wars. But that's not what happened and that makes these decisions more meaningful.

The one who probably has the most to lose is Beast, who is finally beginning to see that he might have been the omega level asshole by fucking with the timeline. He saw with his cosmic enhancements just how much he fucked up. Him keeping his cosmic power would be like Lance Armstrong keeping his medals. It just wouldn't be right. So he joins O5 Iceman, O5 Cyclops, and Groot in removing their cosmic enhancements. They don't seem to have any lasting scars initially, but I guess that's the benefit of Tony Stark not shooting it with a big ass gun.

With the decisions made, Gara leaves with the Black Vortex. Then the Guardians of the Galaxy do what they did on their last team-up with the X-men and take them home. But along the way, Kitty Pryde and Starlord have a nice moment. It turns out Kitty didn't give up her cosmic power. Why would she after she proved she was more than qualified to handle it? She passed the test that Jean Grey failed on multiple occasions, saving a world and not losing her fucking mind. She's earned the right to embrace these powers, if only for a while. And Starlord, having watched his girlfriend save his home planet, has every reason to romance the shit out of her. Any woman who saves a man's home planet and makes his asshole father look like a dick has earned a man's unconditional love. That's just a fact.

Starlord seems to understand this rule well because he does more than just share a few kisses and offer to take her on a fancy date. He actually does something that the editors at DC Comics swore they would never let their characters do. He gets down on one knee and asks Kitty Pryde to marry him. I'll give all the tweens a moment to squee as much as they need to. Men, feel free to squee as well. There's no shame in it.

Now I know the topic of marriage in comics has a permanent shit stain thanks to Peter fucking Parker, but I think there's still a place for it. And while I know the relationship between Starlord and Kitty Pryde is fairly new, having only begun after the Trial of Jean Grey, it's a relationship that has hit all the right chords. And let's face it, after Kitty Pryde saved his world, Starlord would be a total asshat if he didn't propose to Kitty. And in her cosmic state, she knows he's not just trying to get on her insurance plan so she says yes.

This is a beautiful moment for the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy. For Thane, Mr. Knife, and Ronan the Accuser, this is right up there with working late on a Saturday night. Mr. Knife is still encased in amber, which makes him a perfect addition for the Collector. Ronan is still pissed off that his planet was decimated, even though it was his own damn fault. But he's now a cosmic-powered douche so he has even fewer reasons to give a shit. These are some simple loose ends that are resolved in a very quick way, but at least they're not glossed over. These days, that alone counts for a lot.

And Thane, the son of Thanos, still wants to succeed where his father constantly fucked up. However, he knows he can't do that without the Black Vortex. He's going to keep looking for it, even though Gara has it now. It leaves open the possibility that we'll get something else out of this story down the line. Given the extent of its awesome, I can't say that's a bad thing.

But fuck Thane. Fuck Ronan the Accuser. And fuck Mr. Knife from here until the end of the multiverse. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy won the day and they deserve this happy moment. There's nothing ominous or dark about this ending. There's no eerie post-credits scene. We just get to see the X-men and the Guardians cheering as they hear that Starlord and Kitty Pryde are getting married. It's a beautiful moment. Even Magik smiles and she's got a fucking demon realm in her. Storm is so happy that she even asks Rocket Racoon to be her date to the wedding. It sounds like such a fucked up concept, but admit it. You want to see that and some of you might even want to jerk off to it.

There's no tragedy. There's no heartbreak. Kitty Pryde and Starlord have the happy ending that so few outside of a Disney movie get these days. It's basically the anti-Dark Phoenix Saga. Cosmic power corrupts some, but it also helps save the day. Kitty and Starlord were already at a crossroads with their relationship before this story began. Now they're getting married. It's the end of an epic journey that has a very satisfying conclusion. And an ending where nobody's heart gets broken or nobody's balls gets busted is epic in its own right.

Let me put this into perspective before my drunken ranting gets too slurred. This crossover story, the Black Vortex, did something pretty amazing. It told a big crossover story that involved cosmic power and it didn't involve someone dying or sacrificing themselves. Let me repeat that. This story involved cosmic power without someone having to make a sacrifice or get needlessly killed. I think everyone who has been burned out on stories like the Phoenix Saga can appreciate just how remarkable an accomplishment that is. Not only did nobody die here, but there's actually going to be a wedding now and Storm might actually take Rocket Racoon as a date. I dare anybody to say with a straight face they don't want to see that.

As remarkable an achievement as the Black Vortex crossover was, it still isn't on the same epic scale as the Phoenix Saga. Very few stories are. This story succeeded in telling a story that covered a lot of characters and utilized cosmic forces, but it did so in a way that never got too chaotic. I never felt the need to sober up in order to follow along and for a story this big, that's saying a lot. As a drunk, I thank Sam Humphries for being so considerate.

There were plenty of successes here and Kitty Pryde being the one that ended this conflict was by far the best. However, the end result was a bit rushed. And while there was some debate over giving up the power of the Black Vortex, it wasn't as passionate as earlier discussions over it's power. Some still gave it up and some still kept it so at the very least, the impact of this story will be felt beyond Kitty Pryde and Starlords pending nuptials. It's a cosmic story that ended on a happy note, something that helps make this crossover story something to be cherished. That's why I give Guardians of the Galaxy and the X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1 a 9 out of 10. It's a story that has exceeded expectations and proved once again that the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy are a winning combination. I guess it's just hard to go wrong with stories involving space pirates, talking raccoons, and inter-stellar romance. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Legendary Starlord #11

There are just some problems that cannot be fixed, no matter how hard anyone tries. And I’m not talking about making a shitty internet connection bearable. Human beings just aren’t conditioned to endure shit like that. I’m talking about issues that are a clusterfuck of circumstance. Kitty Pryde has been in her share of clusterfucks, some of which ended up with her in a fucking bullet that got launched into space. But after getting involved with a number of guys named Peter and fucking it up along the way, she finally found a Peter she could enjoy in Starlord. There’s a good dick joke in there, but it’s just too easy.

The problem is Peter Quill’s father is a cosmic-level douche-bag. How big of a douche-bag can he be? He tried to murder his son at least once a week and he froze a whole planet in amber. And he did this without the Black Vortex. Giving him power like that would be like giving King Joffrey the Ultimate Nullifier. More than anything else, this latest crossover between the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy established that Starlord’s father is a monumental douche of galactic proportions. And with Mr. Knife closing in for the kill in Legendary Starlord #11, time is running out. All Starlord wanted to do was have some fun with his girlfriend and watch Rocket get drunk with Groot. Was that really so much to ask?

Since the both the Brood and the Slaughter Lords are involved, I guess that question doesn’t need an answer. Kitty Pryde gets things going with a few painful reminders about her weakness for cute boys named Peter. It all started with her and Starlord pissing off his father by stealing the Black Vortex. Then it ended up with her getting encased in amber. I have had my share of shitty dates, but that definitely ranks in the top five. At least Kitty didn’t wake up in the back of a pickup truck next to a goat and used bottle of lube.

She and Starlord are trying to protect Spartax from the Slaughter Lords, who are trying desperately to do Mr. Knife’s dirty work for him so he can continue pleasuring himself to the screams of his son and his son’s girlfriend. Magik even joins in the fun. But even a demon-powered teenage girl can only do so much against the Slaughter Lords and the Brood. Again, Starlord’s father is just that big an asshole.

There’s some really nice inner musings here by Kitty Pryde. Numerous characters have had a chance to show their thoughts in this story. Usually, this stuff is easy to overdo, like putting wasabi on a taco. But it definitely helps give weight to the story here. It also allows Kitty Pryde to assess just how bad the situation is. They’ve got the Brood, the Slaughter Lords, and Starlord’s father. On top of that, some of their friends are still stuck in amber. Forget having a shitty date. This is right up there with divorce, a tax audit, and being sued by Rupert Murdoch.

That’s not to say that all is lost. In the midst of this cosmic shit storm, Captain Marvel manages to make it back to Spartax. It’s another example of perfect convergence between the issues. She was able to get the Black Vortex away from Mr. Knife, but ended up getting chased by Gara, who got drunk on the Black Vortex eons ago. So her day has sucked just as much. Even so, having the Black Vortex in their possession goes a long ways towards ensuring that Mr. Knife won’t use it to fuck them over even more. It still attracts a larger shit storm, but it’s one they can still navigate.

Gara makes sure they don’t get too lazy. Because the Brood and Mr. Knife weren’t enough, she decides to kick up more shit by demanding they give the Black Vortex to her. Since this woman looks about as trustworthy as used car salesman at a lot owned by Cobra Commander, they’re not exactly inclined to give it up. And since Gara has a few billion years of experience with this thing, she’s willing to fight dirty. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy try to hold her off by throwing Magik at her. Again, a demon-powered teenage girl can only do so much. Believe me, I’m just as shocked that I have to keep pointing that out.

The intensity of this battle, along with the lingering threat posed by the Brood and the Slaughter Lords, leads some to think that a little extra cosmic power might be warranted. At this point, they might as well be playing Contra without cheat codes. It’s a losing battle with so many enemies. And since they have the Black Vortex, why the fuck not?

Well that kind of logic breaks down when O5 Jean Grey decides to take a dip in the cosmic pool. However, any X-men fan who has been alive since the mid-80s knows she has shittier luck than most when it comes to cosmic power. She wants to do it to save Spartax this time. Her heart is in the right place, but 5 billion D’brai would argue that’s not enough.

It’s a tense moment and one that could’ve easily turned the Black Vortex into the 1,988,584^th rip-off of the Phoenix Saga, but that’s not what happens. O5 Jean comes close to submitting, but Starlord stops her. He and Kitty Pryde agree that her history with cosmic power is just too spotty. While she might take offense to that, I don’t think she would deny it. She might be an irrational teenager, but she even she’s not willing to be this reckless. She should probably stick to weed, beer, and porn like most teenagers.

But someone still needs to tap a little of that cosmic power to tip the balance. Otherwise, they might as well be pissing into the cosmic wind. They all agree that they stand no chance against the Brood, Gara, and the Slaughter Lords without cosmic power. So being the responsible boyfriend, Starlord decides to volunteer. It’s fitting in many ways. It’s his father who’s causing this shit. He’s the one trying to show Kitty Pryde that he’s different from the other Peters she’s dated. This could be his chance to earn a permanent place in her panties.

So he takes a look inside the Black Vortex and he sees his cosmic version. And I gotta say, it’s pretty damn awesome. He doesn’t become a monster. He doesn’t go batshit crazy and decide snuff out an entire star system out of sheer boredom. He just becomes a supremely powerful, supremely confident cosmic badass. He’s basically like Han Solo, Captain Kirk, and Chuck Norris all rolled into one, plus cosmic power. He could both save Spartax and upstage his father. There couldn’t possibly be any downside to it. Hell, he could end this conflict while jerking off if he wanted.

However, there is another part of that vision into his cosmic awesome that makes him think twice. In addition to being a cosmic-powered badass, he also becomes a cosmic-powered douche-bag. He’ll save the day. He’ll upstage his father. He might even become the most celebrated cosmic figure since that three-titted woman in Total Recall. But in doing so, he would lose Kitty Pryde. Apparently, slutty women of every alien race find cosmic-powered douche-bags sexy. And with that kind of power, Starlord just can’t resist being the asshole that pushes Kitty away.

It makes for another powerful, emotional moment in which Starlord rejects this power. As much as he and everyone who ever saw Star Wars wants to be a badass, he’s not willing to break Kitty Pryde’s heart. Now is it selfish? Yes, to some degree. Does it sound like the kind of exaggerated romantic ploy that belongs in a bad Hugh Grant movie? Kind of. But it makes Starlord show more humility than he’s shown in a long time. It’ll give some women a pussy boner, but it still leaves the situation unresolved.

There’s still the matter of the Slaughter Lords and the Brood. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy want to save Spartax and they need cosmic mojo to do it. This is where things get a little choppy. Gara, who has had a rage boner since she showed up in this story, takes a moment to lecture them on how fucked they are if they try to tamper with the Black Vortex. She knows because she fucked with it billions of years ago and ended up destroying her entire race. It’s a story that was already explored early in the Black Vortex crossover. Getting a reminder really doesn’t add much to it. She tells them noting that they didn’t already learn in the Phoenix Saga. If they fuck with this power, they may save Spartax. But they may end up turning countless other planets into the equivalent of downtown Detroit.

There’s some light debate on the merits of using the Black Vortex at this point. It’s nowhere near as spirited as earlier debates. That’s a bit of a problem because the stakes are much higher now. They’re not just looking to take this cosmic power for a cruise down the cosmic highway and show off to whatever the space equivalent is for cute cheerleaders. They’re trying to save a planet and stop Mr. Knife from wielding a cosmic-powered rage boner. It’s a debate that should be a lot more emotional, but it falls flatter this time.

In the end, it does lead to a meaningful decision. While Starlord and O5 Jean Grey might not be able to handle this power, Kitty Pryde decides she’s willing to risk it. She doesn’t have as big a history of murdering 5 billion aliens or being a space-outlaw douche. She is probably in the best position because she has the most incentive. She’s trying to help her boyfriend’s home planet. She’s trying to piss off her father. Short of carrying his child, Kitty Pryde has every conceivable reason to wield the power of the Black Vortex and not screw up. It still feels like Gara and Starlord don’t do or say enough to dissuade her, but it’s still a moment that carries a lot of weight.

So without any more meaningful debate, Kitty Pryde decides to take the jump and embraces the power of the Black Vortex. This time, we don’t get any visions of what could happen if she fucks up. We don’t see her sitting by a pool while a bunch of male strippers named Peter serve her martinis. Instead, she becomes this cosmic-powered ghost who looks like she’d haunt the nightmares of Mr. Knife and bless the wet dreams of every man named Peter in the history of the universe. It’s not quite as spectacular as Jean Grey embracing the Phoenix Force or Thanos wielding the Infinity Guantlet. But it is eerily beautiful in its own special way and the emotions behind her choice still carry plenty of weight. The only problem at this point is that Starlord probably has to hide the most awkward boner of his life.

This issue wasn’t epic in that it didn’t have the same cosmic-powered smackdowns that previous issues had. There was a lot more talking and a lot less planets being turned into a giant Jurassic Park prop. Granted, that talking was meaningful. Nobody ever got off-topic and started discussing the NFL draft or anything like that. And it did move the story forward. Once again, the overall Black Vortex story remained concise and focused. Given the size and scope of this story, it deserves a steak dinner and a blow-job. That still didn’t keep it from dragging a bit more than previous issues. And the absence of Mr. Knife and the rest of the team didn’t help. At times, it felt like only half a pizza. It’s still better than no pizza, but not as good as it could have been.

Even with all the talking and repetitive whining, this issue made a solid contribution to the Black Vortex story as a whole. It also played up the emotional undertones between Starlord and Kitty Pryde. Even though some of those undertones felt too Twilight-esque at times, it still felt genuine. The emotions don’t feel overly forced, but they’re not going to make anyone think they did an extra line of blow. It was still enough to make Kitty Pryde’s decision at the end feel meaningful. It took a while and it was a bit predictable, but it still felt right. That’s why I give Legendary Starlord #11 a 7 out of 10. All Starlord wanted to do was enjoy his time with his girlfriend and not have to save the galaxy. His dad is just that big of a douche and the Black Vortex is just that much of a cockblock. I think a lot of men can relate to some degree. It still beats being dragged to a shitty Johnny Depp movie. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Captain Marvel #14

We all find ourselves caught in brutal, self-perpetuating cycles at some point in our lives. And I’m not just talking about the brutal cycles that involve trying to fix an old pair of shoes with duct tape and used chewing gum. I’m talking about the kind of shit that leads to interventions on shitty reality shows. It’s kind of like the worst kind of alcoholism. We drink because we’re depressed, but drinking makes us more depressed so we drink even more. It’s like trying to put out a grease fire with gasoline. We know it’s insane on some levels, but we do it anyways because we’re in that cycle and we’ve just become too comfortable fucking things up.

Since the Black Vortex crossover story began, the seeds of that brutal cycle have been blossoming slowly yet surely. It has made for an intense, compelling, dramatic story that has surprised everyone not pissing themselves over Marvel’s upcoming Secret Wars event. The Black Vortex is like alcohol mixed with meth mixed with gambling mixed with internet porn. It gives people everything they want and all the feelings they want, minus the hangover or having to blow some guy in a trailer park. Some of the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy have already succumbed. Some who have are starting to find out the Black Vortex can lead to shit way worse than a hangover.

Yet still, they’re tempting their friends to drink, snort, and indulge in its cosmic glory. Now someone like Carol Danvers is already powerful enough and is among those who doesn’t need cosmic power to be awesome. But in the same way Hugh Hefner is prone to hooking up with a new buxom blonde every month or so, Carol is just as vulnerable to temptation in Captain Marvel #14. But unlike Hugh Hefner, the Black Vortex can do way more than damage than bad pre-nup or a failed reality show.

The temptation is already there and not just because Carol Danvers is probably getting sick of receiving dick pics from Hugh Hefner. She drew the short straw at the end of Cyclops #12 in that she had to be the one to get the Black Vortex away from Mr. Knife and the Slaughter Lords. I’m pretty sure she’s given them the cosmic finger no fewer than ten times since then because the Slaughter Lords do catch up to her. And she even muses how she’s reached her limits many times before. This may be one of those times where she has to punch those limits in the dick, but she’s not quite there just yet.

The inner monologue here does more than just provide insight into Captain Marvel’s state of mind. It also provides a nice recap of what got her to this point and how fucked the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy currently are. In simplest terms, the tip is in and it wants to go further. It provides a nice bit of context for this part of the story, keeping the Black Vortex saga concise. And in an era where crossover stories are about as coherent as a schizophrenic acid trip, that says something.

Even so, not much context is needed to establish that Captain Marvel is up the cosmic version of Shit’s Creek. The Slaughter Lords surround her and attack her before she can get to Spartax where the rest of the Guardians and the X-men are waiting for her. She eventually takes one too many hits and loses the Black Vortex. Considering how Mr. Knife has tormented everyone since this story began, she’s still getting off easy. And that temptation to punch her limits in the dick just keeps getting stronger.

She eventually loses the Black Vortex and Thane is first in line to chase it with Mr. Knife following close behind. Knowing the universe has enough freshly torn assholes after the events of Age of Ultron, Captain Marvel goes after it. And she still has to do this without the aid of the kind of cosmic mojo that Thane already has and Mr. Knife desperately wants to dry hump. She’s able to avoid getting encased in amber like some of her friends, but she’s not able to avoid Mr. Knife being a dick. That’s one force that no amount of cosmic power can stop at this point. Her only advantage is that he’s got rocket skates while she has the power of the Kree and being an awesome blond female badass. It sounds like a Lamborghini versus a golf cart, but Mr. Knife is the kind of guy who fits his golf carts with surface-to-air missiles.

Even though Captain Marvel wins the race, Mr. Knife makes sure the finish line has a giant middle finger at the end. She has the Black Vortex for a grand total of five seconds before she crashes right into Mr. Knife’s floating base. Both her confidence and her pride are probably pretty wounded. And I’m sure Mr. Knife has a throbbing erection right now. Like a walking Cialis commercial, he keeps it up by showing off some of the gadgets that Starlord usually likes to play with. That includes the kind of illusions and tricks ripped off from a Dragonball Z rerun. The only difference is that Mr. Knife does it a way that makes even Freiza likable.

It really doesn’t need to be reinforced at this point, but every part of the Black Vortex saga seems to do it anyways. Mr. Knife is a dick and a shitty father. Even Darth Vader at this point would shake his head and tell him he’s overdoing it. It’s getting to the point where his assholery is being belabored, but it helps establish that this is a guy who should not come within a billion light years of the Black Vortex. And even if it is belabored, it does leave no ambiguity as to who the villain is here.

It’s because of Mr. Knife’s uncanny ability to be a total dick that Captain Marvel is on the ropes. She’s already been shot at and roughed up by Thane and the Slaughter Lords. Now Mr. Knife is violently shoving her to those dangerous limits of hers. This leads to that tantalizing temptation to just fire up her inner Game Genie and end this without breaking a sweat. The Black Vortex senses that temptation and offers her the power she needs. I imagine it’s like dangling a cold beer in front of Wolverine on a hot summer day. And like a crack head in Rick James’ old house, she is definitely tempted.

This is where nobody would blame her for embracing this power. Others in this story have been in similar situations and succumbed. It seems like the most obvious decision in the world that doesn’t involve choosing imported whiskey over diet Pepsi. But that’s not what happens. Carol Danvers shows the kind of will-power and strength that the Ted Haggards of the world would envy. She rejects the Black Vortex’s power.

This moment carries a lot of weight because it helps switch things up from the rest of the X-men and the Guardians, who seemed to be leaning towards succumbing the first chance the going gets tough. Carol Danvers isn’t ready to resort to cheat codes just yet and that puts her right up there with Jennifer Lawrence in terms of awesome blonds. That said, there isn’t a lot of emotion in this decision. Sure, she describes the power as being akin to injecting meth while beating up every player on the Dallas Cowboys’ active roster, but there’s not much else that goes into it. There’s not an emotional push here. She just says, “Fuck it! I don’t need this shit.” That’s badass and all, but nothing we haven’t heard Chuck Norris say.

Without the aid of the Black Vortex, Captain Marvel pushes herself to be a little more badass and it works. She’s able to pull off some flashy theatrics that effectively kills Mr. Knife’s boner. He’s still in one piece so it’s not entirely successful, but it does give Captain Marvel one less asshole with cosmic ambitions to worry about.  Granted, that asshole is the son of Thanos. It’s like exchanging one shitty car for another. But so long as that car isn’t a Kia, it’s still an upgrade. It’s still satisfying, seeing her take down Mr. Knife. The man hasn’t been humbled much in this crossover event. He needs it almost as much as Simon Cowell at this point.

She should probably do the same thing to Thane. However, she’s willing to bet that Thane isn’t quite the same asshole as Mr. Knife. This is actually as safe a bet as she could get without being accused for insider trading. She challenges him to question whether helping Mr. Knife will actually aid his goals or if Mr. Knife will only screw him over the moment he gets bored with his new cosmic powers. It’s wholly reasonable, but it backfires in ways that most internet videos involving bottle rockets backfire.

Thane considers who is more trustworthy with the help of an imaginary friend that has been very poorly defined to this point. Is it Mr. Knife or some pretty female Avenger who has played a part in pissing off his father on multiple occasions? Rather than hold his nose and flip a coin, Thane decides they’re both full of shit and neither deserve the Black Vortex. It is a dick move, but it’s the most logical decision an admitted asshole can make in a situation like this.

As part of this decision, Thane tries to encase both Captain Marvel and Mr. Knife in amber like he did all of Spartax. He ends up only succeeding in part. Captain Marvel shows that she can be pretty damn cunning in addition to being powerful and sexy. She uses the Black Vortex in a way Captain America would probably approve of, redirecting the amber right at Mr. Knife. He ends up getting encased in amber, ensuring he won’t get that same raging boner again. It still might have been more satisfying to see Captain Marvel and Thane crush his skull and use it as a coffee mug. But this is a close second.

It also effectively proved that Captain Marvel didn’t need the Black Vortex to win this fight. Sure, it probably would’ve been easier and she would’ve been able to torment Mr. Knife in all the ways he deserved. But that’s not her style. That’s not the kind of superhero she is. In the same way Superman resists the temptation to use his X-ray vision on the Lakers Cheerleading squad, she resists the temptation to gain more power to solve her problems. That’s why she’s one of Marvel’s biggest heroes and why she’s getting her own movie.

Sadly, we don’t get to see Mr. Knife suffer in his fancy new state. Before Thane can take another shot, Gara shows up. She’s the ancient Frieza rip-off whose people first used the Black Vortex, as shown earlier in the crossover. For some reason, she chose this random moment to come back and fuck things up a little more. Sure, it helps that she hits Thane with the kind of punch that sends him to the nearest black hole. And yes, that’s very satisfying. But it’s still a bit random and doesn’t fit as cleanly as some of the other developments in the Black Vortex. It’s still way more concise than 80 percent of most major crossover stories that don’t involve the Simpsons so I can’t make too big a deal out of it.

This is one of those stories that could’ve become painfully predictable just by changing a few minor details. It could’ve become the Dark Phoenix Saga featuring a pretty blond instead of a pretty redhead. It could’ve become the same story that Chris Claremont perfected back during the Carter Administration. But it didn’t. It nicely continued the clusterfuck that began to unfold in Cyclops #12 and put Carol Danvers at ground zero of the shit storm. Yet somehow she managed to come out of it without smelling like an unwashed pair of Bill O’Riley’s underwear. That’s both an achievement and a testament to the strength of this story.

Like Carol Danvers, the Black Vortex saga has resisted the urge to follow the same tried and true formula involving powerful cosmic mojo. It hasn’t become the Phoenix Saga. Carol Danvers didn’t become Jean Grey. And the Black Vortex hasn’t become the Infinity Gauntlet. Carol Danvers had to fight Mr. Knife and Thane in the kind of situation where there was an easy out. She could’ve just punched in the cheat code and flossed her teeth with their entrails. She chose not to. She resisted the urge to start another brutal cycle and ended up defeating Mr. Knife in a much more satisfying way. He’s the only one who left this story with shit stain and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer asshole.

The appearance of Gara at the end still felt a bit random, but her story was never meant to be cast off at the beginning so it doesn’t keep Captain Marvel #14 from being both awesome and coherent. I give this comic an 8 out of 10. It continues the story without resorting to the kind of bullshit cycle of power corrupting that we’ve seen in every Macbeth rip-off. That in and of itself is an accomplishment. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Guardians of the Galaxy #25

Cosmic power in the Marvel universe is like tequila. It’s incredibly potent and can make all sorts of wonderful shit happen. But it’s also extremely easy to abuse and can cause a world of pain. In the same way most people can’t handle tequila, most can’t handle cosmic power either. And something like the Black Vortex is akin to making tequila more potent while tasting as good as a chocolate milkshake with whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles on top. There are very few ways that shit can’t be abused to a horrible degree. And so far, the Black Vortex crossover has done plenty to make the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy swear off cosmic power and tequila for the foreseeable future.

However, they haven’t quite reached the point where the nasty hangover kicks in just yet. They’re still in the midst of the kind of cosmic bar fight that usually ends with cracked skulls and multiple concussions. Beast, Gamora, and O5 Angel have already caused the kind of mess that’s usually reserved for a Spring Break holiday in Cancun by a bunch of frat boys armed with Donald Trump’s credit card. At some point, the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy have to play the part of the asshole bartender that cuts them off. Guardians of the Galaxy #25 takes them one step closer to that nasty hangover, but it also shows that they would probably make shitty bartenders.

That hangover can’t come soon enough for Hank McCoy. This is a guy who has been drunk on his douche-baggery for way too long. He’s so smart, but he can’t see the omega level asshole he’s become. He bitches about Cyclops, but offers no solutions. He whines about tapping immense power, but fucks up the space-time continuum to bring the O5 X-men back from the past. If his hypocrisy were any worse, Ted Haggard would try to buy meth from him. At some point, he has to see how badly he’s fucked up. Well that time has finally come. It just took cosmic level power for him to do it. That’s both ironic and hypocritical.

He laments to Gamora how he stuck his dick in the sadistic bitch that is hypocrisy, thinking he was doing the right thing. And just like Cyclops, the guy he can’t stop bitching about, he thought he could handle the power and the responsibility. Now that he has the power of the Black Vortex, he realizes he’s fucked. Even with cosmic power, he can’t undo the damage he did. It’s still too late to make him less of an asshole, but that doesn’t make this any less refreshing. Like someone lost in the desert, this feels like a nice cold beer. It’s still not enough, but it’s more progress than Hank McCoy has had in years.

Beast’s overdue humility still doesn’t help the friends he’s screwed over. A team of X-men, Guardians of the Galaxy, and Nova attempted to get to Hala to retrieve the Black Vortex from Ronan. They arrived on a planet that Beast, Gamora, and O5 Angel did a damn good job of fucking up. And Ronan even got in on the act, using the Black Vortex for himself and deciding to give the finger to his home world as well. I guess he understands that he has a lot of catching up to do if he wants to reach Hank McCoy’s level of douche-baggery. The X-men and the Guardians understand this and they want to use the Black Vortex to return their friends to a state that’s slightly less overpowered.

It’s a perfectly reasonable request. It’s in the universe’s best interest to have fewer cosmic-powered assholes running around. So of course the Supreme Intelligence tells them to piss off. He’s okay with just sealing it away and using the Kree’s might to subdue these cosmic-powered renegades. That has some merit on some levels. And by that, I mean it has as much merit as a war plan organized by Dick Cheney. But it’s at least somewhat balanced. That’s something this whole story has been pretty good at maintaining, even when characters like Ronan and Beast are involved. That alone is quite an accomplishment.

Balance or not, the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy aren’t inclined to be overly diplomatic. They came expecting to resort to Jack Baur’s tactics, knowing that the Supreme Intelligence was never going to be overly generous. So Starlord decides intelligence is overrated and starts shooting while Nova takes the Black Vortex. It makes for a pretty epic escape, complete with Captain Marvel punching the Supreme Intelligence in the face. For her, that’s like me kicking my old gym teacher in the balls. It’s just that satisfying.

It’s also satisfying to see Nova finally do something meaningful. His presence in this story was a bit forced, but he’s finally found a way to contribute. He’s still an immature kid who has seen Indiana Jones one times too many, but that only makes his battle against the Kree Accusers more entertaining. I’ve never been much of a Nova fan because he comes off as the teenage Peter Parker that Andrew Garfield failed to be, but I will give him credit here. Any kid who can go up against the Kree and pwn them appropriately deserves respect.

Nova’s efforts to escape with the Black Vortex are still dependent on the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy’s ability to keep the Supreme Intelligence from using Nova as chewing gum. They have to take part in another epic battle in a story that has already had plenty. But like a nap on a beach in Maui, it’s one of those things that’s hard to overdo.

The battle is intense, but brief. However, it’s not rushed because it’s brief for a damn good reason. Even though the X-men and the Guardians are surrounded by Kree Accusers and a very pissed off Supreme Intelligence, they still have O5 Jean Grey on their side. That’s like bringing the Death Star to a knife fight. They have the edge. And O5 Jean even uses this as a chance to exercise the powers she gained during her last adventure with the Guardians of the Galaxy, turning the psychic energy around her into an unstoppable wave of pants-shitting awesome. The Supreme Intelligence is the lucky one here because it doesn’t wear pants, but I’m sure it wished it did.

With the Supreme Intelligence down for the count, the X-men and the Guardians can escape. They just have to trust that Nova found a way to escape with the Black Vortex. That’s right. They trust that an immature teenager who only recently got access to the power of the Nova corps can protect the Black Vortex from the Kree. That’s like trusting Russian teenagers with a crate of grenades and an unlimited supply of vodka. It’s not going to work.

The result is somewhat predictable. Nova eventually does fuck up, but it’s not from the Kree. One of the Slaughter Lords that had been sent to Hala to retrieve the Black Vortex for Mr. Knife finally joined the party. Since the Kree couldn’t get the job done, he decides to show them how it’s done. I hope the Kree took notes. Nova is the one who gets pwned this time and he doesn’t have the luxury of a pissed off Jean Grey to back him up. So while he did show some competence against the Kree, the Slaughter Lords remind us that he’s still a teenager.

But neither the Slaughter Lords nor Mr. Knife are content to just rough up some whiney teenager and take the Black Vortex. That just seems too half-assed. Mr. Knife decides he has to go the extra distance to prove he’s now the biggest asshole in the universe, leapfrogging Hank McCoy and Iceman by several light-years. To do that, he decides to turn his ship on Hala and finish what Beast, Gamora, and O5 Angel only started. He destroys the whole fucking planet.

It’s not clean or swift like the Death Star either. Mr. Knife is the kind of asshole who likes to rip the wings off a bug and torture it for a while before he crushes it. He bombards the planet with missiles, so much so that he rips out a chunk of the planet. It’s every bit as epic as it sounds and then some. It forces the X-men and the Guardians, as well as most of the Kree, to get the fuck off that planet as if it were the site of an upcoming Justin Bieber concert. It shocks even Starlord, who already knew his father was an asshole, just not on this scale.

Now it was a given that a few planets would get fucked up during this story. Any story involving cosmic-powered characters is bound to rearrange a few solar systems. But Mr. Knife did this shit without the aid of the Black Vortex. He just had to be a total douche-bag with a big ass ship and a complete disregard for life in general. It’s another example, albeit terrifying, of the balance this story has maintained. But that only adds to the overall awesome.

Mr. Knife has now firmly established himself as the last person in the universe who should have the power of the Black Vortex. He doesn’t just order the destruction of Hala. He takes pleasure in it like a guy jerking off to animal porn. He paints it as a good thing for the galaxy, although he doesn’t hide that he blames the Kree for him losing his world. So there’s also an element of vindictive douche-baggery at work here, as if he needed.

The thought of this guy having the Black Vortex should make the universe as a whole shit itself. And for a moment, it looks like he has it. The Slaughter Lords roughed up Nova and took it. They should be preparing for the party when Mr. Knife takes a big cosmic shit on the ruins of Hala. However, one of them reveals they lost the Black Vortex. It’s not entirely clear how it happened, but it is revealed that it’s still with Nova. Somehow he managed to wrestle it away when he wasn’t busy looking like an immature teenager. It’s a bit of an oversight that could be easily addressed in another issue. Or it could just be one of those cases where an immature teenager gets lucky. If it’s ever going to happen, it should happen at a time like this to keep an asshole like Mr. Knife from getting the Black Vortex.

The problem is the Black Vortex is still out there and it’s still vulnerable for any cosmic asshole to exploit. That’s why Magik and Rocket Raccoon were tasked with finding Gamora, Beast, and O5 Angel and hope they’re not too drunk on cosmic power to help. Even they have to agree on some levels that keeping Mr. Knife away from the Black Vortex is in everybody’s best interest.

There’s some funny moments with Rocket Raccoon, but there’s also a meaningful conversation here. There have actually been many of those in a story that has already blown up a planet so that’s saying something. Magik uses her experience with being Dormammu’s mystica; prison bitch to relate to Gamora’s plight. I won’t say it’s a perfect analogy, but it does speak to the same themes of dealing with overwhelming power. And that’s something they’re all dangerously close to failing at.

Then they pick up on the destruction of Hala and now there’s some fucking urgency to not fail. And since cosmic power wasn’t even used to destroy it, Gamora and Beast decide it’s time to stop waving their cosmic-powered dick around and help their friends. It’s another small step towards Hank McCoy’s long road to being likable again. He still has a long fucking ways to go. If it takes the destruction of a whole planet for him to get his shit together, then it might not be worth it.

Even so, Mr. Knife is already going in the opposite direction and he’s well on his way to surpassing Beast’s douche-baggery at an exponential rate. He might not have the Black Vortex, but he does have a few hostages. The Slaughter Lords were able to take O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot prisoner when their teammates were escaping Spartax. Now Mr. Knife wants to use them as bait to get the Black Vortex back. He also makes sure to inform them that he just blew up a planet and got a big fucking boner while doing it. He then makes clear he’s willing to do that to Earth while the surviving Kree give him a hand-job. It’s a fucked up situation that even Groot can’t sufficiently articulate. I get it, Mr. Knife. You’re a bigger asshole than Beast now. I concede. This issue makes that abundantly clear in the most awesome possible way and ensures more planets could blow up before this is over.

When the Black Vortex crossover started, I think everybody got the impression that this was the comic book equivalent of an NFL preseason game. It was meaningless filler meant to bridge the gap to the regular season, which in this case I guess would be Secret Wars. But somehow, the Black Vortex has found a way to be awesome on a truly epic level. It couldn’t be more proficient without being a star quarterback married to a Brazilian supermodel. This issue truly reinforced the epic scale of this story. A fucking planet got blown up and not in the casual Phoenix Force kind of way either. It was a massive, Independence Day style attack that hit all the right emotions without being derailed by a Will Smith character.

Any crossover story can start strong. I’m sure Battlefield Earth felt interesting to some during the first five minutes. But Black Vortex keeps finding a way to build momentum. It’s getting so many great characters involved. The X-men, the Guardians of the Galaxy, the Starjammers, and even Nova are all finding a way to be awesome in their own right. The struggle keeps taking new turns. Some are personal and way fucking overdue, as with everything involving Hank McCoy. Some are just epic in a way that blows up half a fucking planet. Mix that shit together and it’s like Jack and Coke. It’s a beautiful, potent combination that’ll get people fucked up in all the right ways. I give Guardians of the Galaxy #25 a 9 out of 10. Fuck the preseason. This story is a playoff contender now. Just hope that it doesn’t fail to complete the process of making the catch or it can end badly. Just ask Dez Bryant. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: All-New X-men #39

Maybe I've had one too many shitty family reunions that end in drunken brawls and/or trips to the emergency room, but I think reunions are overrated. Whenever I see a show or comic built around a reunion, my first instinct is to assume that some producer didn't get blown enough or some editor had a stick up their ass about a certain story. I know that sounds cynical, but reunions don't carry much weight when the departure was never that sincere.

That said, I make an exception for how O5 Cyclops parted ways with the rest of his team after the Trail of Jean Grey. That actually felt sincere. He just learned his father was alive. He wanted to spend time with him, especially after finding out he's a badass space pirate. He was always going to reunite with his friends at some point. It was just a matter of how it would happen. And I can't think of a way more fitting than a crisis involving Hank McCoy, cosmic power, and space pirates. That's the crisis O5 Cyclops walks into in All-New X-men #39. He arrives just in time to see Hank McCoy being a douche again and put O5 Jean Grey in a very awkward position. I can't think of how a reunion would be better without free whiskey and blow.

That said, the first part of the reunion doesn't involve O5 Jean Grey at all. It doesn't even involve Hank McCoy being a douche, as crazy as that sounds. It involves O5 Cyclops and X-23, which is another notable reunion in and of itself. Even though X-23 got cozy with O5 Angel in his absence, I'm sure she still gets all warm and fuzzy inside when she thinks about O5 Cyclops' hugs. She wakes up after a pretty fucked up nightmare involving O5 Angel and what appears to be a fire fetish, but she sees O5 Cyclops with her so that helps balance shit out.

There were a lot of unresolved issues between O5 Cyclops and X-23, but some of those issues became a moot point when she hooked up with O5 Angel. She makes it clear she's still pissed that he left, even if he did have a semi-valid excuse. But it doesn't get more emotional than it needs to get. She's not ready to hug again, but she is content to tell him he needs to fix shit with O5 Jean. That in and of itself is pretty telling. It means she either understands the kind of strain his absence had on her or she just needs him to get away before she jumps his bone. Given how often Wolverine was inclined to jump Jean Grey's bone, I imagine it's a combination of both.

The reunion between Thane and Mr. Knife isn't nearly as emotional, but it is still an important part of the story. It's important because it establishes that Mr. Knife is an impatient asshole who thinks he can talk down to the son of Thanos. There's balls, there's bravado, and then there's just being a cosmic ass. Chuck Norris can get away with balls. Bruce Willis can have the bravado. But Mr. Knife comes off as a cosmic version of Donald Trump. He wants the Black Vortex the same way Donald Trump wants a private jet entrusted in gold and maintained by female elves with big tits. Thane, despite his asshole father, actually comes off as the bigger man here. He's tempted to just snap Mr. Knife's neck and nobody in the universe would blame them. Instead, he just opts to give him the finger and leave. A man truly does sink to a new low when he's now a bigger asshole than the son of Thanos.

That's not to say that Mr. Knife is now incapable of spreading his douche-baggery to the farthest parts of the galaxy. He still has the Slaughter Lords under his control and they're still looking for the Black Vortex on Spartax's moon. They're at least several steps behind, completely unaware that the Black Vortex is gone and being used to fuck up the Kree home world. They might as well be those guys that keep looking for the Loch Ness Monster even after the rest of the world has come to understand that it's basically just a tourist scam. But they are still a problem in that they can fuck up the X-men and the Guardians' efforts to make a move. So in that sense, they're just a step above a few speed bumps in a badly paved road.

But who gives a shit about the Slaughter Lords or how big a douche-bag Mr. Knife can be at this point? The main appeal of this issue is the reunion of O5 Cyclops and the X-men. That's what should have everybody's panties soaked with anticipation. And when he finally confronts O5 Jean Grey, it's worth having to do an extra load of laundry.

The reunion isn't ripped off from every romantic comedy in the 90s. It's not rushed or forced either, like the plot of every Mission Impossible movie. It's a simple, genuine reaction between two characters who have a metric fuckton of issues on top of being teenagers. They don't get right into how badly they want to bone each other. They actually make meaningful small talk at first. They don't try to avoid the issues, which even some adults can't seem to do in a serious conversation. Their maturity here puts them at least six levels above Peter Parker in that respect. But what makes it so powerful is how torn they still are.

For a good chunk of All-New X-men, O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean have been torn over their emotions. They still clearly care for one another, but they don't want to be doomed to this fate where they get married, she dies, and one of them starts hooking up with clones. That's entirely understandable. Teenagers love clinging to the idea that they can forge a magical future where they have the love of Russian gymnast and the wealth of Bill Gates. But sometimes there are forces they can't escape and I'm not just talking about the high failure rate of nearly every goal that every teenager ever makes. There are still real emotions between these two. Those emotions draw them together, even when they make clear that they are very different now as a result of being in the future. And that's what makes it so meaningful.

Despite being so different, O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean are still drawn together. There's something fitting and sincere about that. And it's not just because teenage emotions make about as much sense as a quantum physics lecture in Swahili. These two characters have such a long history and that history still feels relevant despite all these changes. The one constant, however, is that O5 Beast still ends up cock-blocking them. They probably would've jumped each others' bone if they hadn't. They're teenagers. It's always a distinct possibility. Even though they don't get a chance, it's still a powerful moment that should require another change in panties.

The same could be said for every Kree living on Hala right now, albeit for an entirely different reason. While O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean are trying find some time to swap spit, amongst other bodily fluids, the Black Vortex is tearing Hala a new asshole thanks to Beast, Gamora, and O5 Angel. The destruction here is epic. It's the kind of destruction that would make Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich so horny. But it's not really adding anything new to the mix. We already knew from the second that Ronan tried to take the Black Vortex that Beast, Gamora, and O5 Angel would fuck his world up. This is just confirming what we already suspected. While confirmation is nice, it's not portrayed as an epic struggle on part with the Lord of the Rings trilogy. But it does get the point across. If only someone challenged Ronan to a dance-off like in the Guardians of the Galaxy movie. Maybe Hala could've been spared. We may never know.

Even with all the destruction and the raging teenage hormones, there's still a conflict here. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy can't just sit on their asses and hope Tony Stark doesn't try to solve this problem with a big fucking gun. Now that the Starjammers are in the picture, they try to formulate a plan. It's not necessarily an ambitious plan that would make for a good Ocean's 11 movie. They understand they're overmatched against the Slaughter Lords. They also understand that Mr. Knife is going to keep fucking up their day so long as he thinks they'll keep him from the Black Vortex. So if they're to have any shot at getting out of this with their asses intact, they need help from their cosmic-powered friends.

That's a lot like hiring the Hells Angels to police a church bake sale, but I guess overkill is necessary when dealing with Starlord's asshole father. O5 Cyclops even offers to contribute by heading back to Spartax's moon to distract the Slaughter Lords so they can get away. He may just be trying to make O5 Jean hornier, but that doesn't make it any less tactically sound. In addition, they also have to help some of the fine folk on Spartax that their former king fucked over. So this is quickly becoming one of those crossovers where the extra manpower is a necessity and not just a novelty.

But getting away from the Slaughter Lords and Mr. Knife is actually the easy part. They also find out that in order to carry out the next part of their plan, they'll have to go to Hala while it's in the process of being burnt to a crisp like a rain forest in an oil field owned by Koch Industries. So that means they'll have to deal with both the effects Black Vortex and a pissed off Kree Empire in order to get help from their cosmic powered friends. They might as well chop off a limb, get drunk on tequila, and blindfold themselves in the process. It couldn't possibly make the situation any more fucked.

This is where the pacing of the story stalls somewhat, but for good reason. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy actually have to take more than five minutes to assess the situation they're stuck in. That actually helps provide some logic to their plan. That shouldn't be such a novel concept. It really shouldn't. But all too often, it's one of those details that is so convenient to forget. It keeps the story cohesive, even though it moves things forward slower. And for those who like to read comics stoned, that's can be an issue.

The pacing picks up again when the teams split up to carry out their respective missions. I imagine they're all bracing themselves and will likely keep their assholes clenched until its over. And the first part of that mission involves O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot heading to Spartax's moon to distract the Slaughter Lords. That's right. They send two teenagers and a talking tree to distract the Slaughter Lords. Tweak that a bit and it's the perfect premise for the next Disney movie. Although this fight unfolds in a way that's not exactly G-rated.

Naturally, the Slaughter Lords ambush them and kick their asses. Again, it's not an overly epic battle. It's not intended to be either. Their job was to just distract the Slaughter Lords so the others could get away. In that respect, they succeeded. They still got their asses kicked, but they succeeded. I don't claim to be a tactical genius in anything that doesn't involve getting kick-ass weed at a discount, but it still works. And I guess Cyclops or Iceman haters can jerk off to this. However, I find it hard to imagine anyone could ever hate Groot. Seriously, if someone hates Groot, they're in need of therapy.

It doesn't end well for O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot. They get roughed up and dragged away, but they're still alive. That's because Mr. Knife wants them alive. He must not watch the Walking Dead that much because he seems to be working under the assumption that keeping enemies alive means they can't screw him over. And now he's just roughed up O5 Cyclops, who spent a good deal of time learning to be a badass space pirate. And since he nearly got to bang a hot alien girl, I'd say he's pretty damn good at it. Screwing over Mr. Knife isn't going to be enough to stop the Black Vortex, but it would be a good start.

In the end, this issue added a new dimension to a story that already had plenty to begin with. The underlying crisis still revolves around the Black Vortex and all the horrible shit the Gamora, O5 Angels, Hank McCoys of the universe could do with it. But now there are also some more emotional stakes that have little to do with saving the Kree's undeserving asses. And those emotional stakes are what makes this issue a solid contribution to the story.

O5 Cyclops' return to the X-men was not glossed over, rushed, or forced. The lingering issues surrounding his departure were not ignored and that counts for a lot in an era where too many comics are eager to skip over the details to get to the parts where the X-men battle killer robots. Even porn tries to offer some segway. This issue offered plenty of that (segway not porn) by adding some emotional undertones for O5 Cyclops, O5 Jean, and the team as a whole. But overall, it didn't really move the plot forward that much. That's not entirely a bad thing.

For a story on this scale, there is a little leeway. But there was also room to do a lot more. Aside from the emotional undertones, there wasn't much else to push the story forward. They came up with a plan, that plan got fucked up, and that's about it. Still counts as progress though, which is more than anyone can say for the past decade of Spider-Man comics. I give All-New X-men #39 a 7 out of 10. The reunion was sweet, even though O5 Beast cock-blocked it again. The conflict with the Black Vortex is still compelling. It's just a matter of how more I want kick Hank McCoy in the balls when all is said and done. Nuff said!