A Cosmic Crescendo: Guardians of the Galaxy and X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1

The following is my review of Guardians of the Galaxy and X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There are certain games where the urge to cheat is just too great. Games like Contra are the best example where the temptation isn't just extreme. It's downright necessary to stand a chance of getting to the final boss. Cosmic power in comics are akin to cheat codes in video games. It does take away some of the fun. It does negate some of the satisfaction that might come from overcoming the odds. We all want to feel like Rocky Balboa after he just beat Ivan Drago. But there are times when we need to be Ivan Drago in order to stand a chance.

The threats faced by the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy during the Black Vortex would make even Rocky reach for the extra dose of steroids. The scope and scale of this crossover story has already defied the odds, creating a cohesive narrative with a large cast of characters and finding ways to make every character feel relevant. Part of what has kept it cohesive is that despite the cosmic chaos surrounding the power of the Black Vortex, the source of the conflict is painfully simple. It all starts and ends with Mr. Knife, also known as Starlord's father. Like King Joffrey in Game of Thrones, he's the least likable person in the universe. He's also the unifying force that has driven the conflict throughout this story.

At this point, Mr. Knife has done everything possible to make the universe hate his guts. He's recruited Thanos' son, he's tried to kill his own son, and he encased an entire planet in amber and did it with a smile that rivals Jack Nicholson in The Shining. He's done so much to vilify himself that using cosmic power/cheat codes to beat him wouldn't make it less satisfying. Guardians of the Galaxy and X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1 finally puts the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy in a position to finish him off and make this vast crossover story into a finished product. That product isn't a freshly cut diamond, but it's close and it has plenty of other gems to offer.

At this point in the story, there's no more teasing. There's no more subtlety. Like a toddler on an elevator pushing all the buttons, everything is pure spectacle. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy are battling the Slaughter Lords, trying to keep them from the Black Vortex. At the same time, Spartax is about to be turned into an oversized ant farm for the Brood. This led Kitty Pryde to submit to the Black Vortex in a last desperate effort to prevent her boyfriend's father from making her universe more miserable. Together, it creates a cosmic convergence of sorts that couldn't be more satisfying without fireworks and a barbecue.

The battle unfolds quickly, lacking the detail of earlier struggles. But at this point in the story where multiple characters have received cosmic upgrades, it can't be that slow. Between the events of Age of Ultron and the upcoming events of Secret Wars, the fabric of the Marvel universe just can't take it. But it still puts all the right pieces in place and has them clash in a way that doesn't feel forced or random. It's like the opposite of the last two Transformers movies and without any overly gratuitous shots of female characters' butts.

That's not to say a female character doesn't steal the show. While the battle against the Slaughter Lords, Mr. Knife, and Ronan provide the meat of the struggle, it's Kitty Pryde who provides both the steak sauce and the desert. She's the one who ends up saving Spartax. She's the one who ends up defeating the Brood and the rest of Mr. Knife's forces. It turns out a cosmic powered Kitty Pryde is basically the anti-Dark Phoenix. She saves worlds and terrifies those who would destroy them. And she does this all in the presence of her boyfriend, Starlord. It's probably the most romantic gesture a girl could do for her lover that doesn't involve lingerie.

This resolution has plenty of cosmic muscle, fitting the scope and scale of the story in all the right ways. However, some parts were still rushed. After the defeat of the Brood, Ronan and the Slaughter Lords essentially cut their losses and decide that they're woefully overmatched against a cosmic powered Kitty Pryde. They're not entirely wrong. Even with cosmic power of their own, they know they have no chance against a girl who is doing everything she can to impress her boyfriend. It's not entirely forced, but it does make the end result feel somewhat abrupt. That's not to say they were completely defeated. They still left with cosmic power. That's a way better consolation prize than anything on The Price is Right.

However, the resolution of the battle isn't what gives the story it's greatest impact. With Mr. Knife and the Slaughter Lords defeated, some of the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy are given the chance to give up their cosmic power. Given their history of being corrupted by cosmic power, it's not an unreasonable chance to take. Some opt to take that chance. Others opt to keep their power, ensuring that this story will have some lasting effects. Some of those effects may still get retconned thanks to a convenient spell cast by the Scarlet Witch, but it still makes for a profound moment for certain characters. They got a taste of cosmic power and like vacation to Europe gone horribly wrong, it's bound to effect them in different ways.

But the biggest emotional impact of the Black Vortex comes from Kitty Pryde and Starlord. That's entirely fitting since this whole conflict began with the two of them dealing with Starlord's deranged father. After having dealt with him, they decide there's no use wasting their time with more dinner dates and cosmic bowling. Starlord decides to propose to Kitty Pryde on the spot. After a girl uses cosmic power to humiliate his tyrannical father, I think that seals it. Starlord would've been crazy if he didn't propose to her on the spot and the reactions from the X-men and the Guardians is entirely appropriate.

The entire Black Vortex crossover has been vast in terms of scope and scale, yet it never felt overly chaotic or contrived. Numerous characters had a chance to shine. And for once, a story that involved cosmic power didn't end in tragedy. Nobody died. Nobody came back to life. Instead, the biggest impact was a marriage proposal. In an era where too many great stories end with sacrifices that make the creators of Prozac even richer, Guardians of the Galaxy and X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1 offers something sweet, satisfying, and epic. Let's just hope that Peter Quill doesn't get marital advice from Peter Parker.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Guardians of the Galaxy and the X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1

Maybe I've become a jaded drunk over the years or maybe my expectations have just become more realistic, but I've become numb to these big crossover events. I've seen too many of them amount to the comic book equivalent of a used tampon. Stories like the Fear Itself and Avengers vs. X-men show that it's unreasonable to expect that these stories end with unbroken spirits and intact assholes. For that very reason, crossover stories that are done right are all the more precious. They're like getting an extra lap dance at a strip club or a free blowjob from a Hooters waitress. It's something to cherish and enjoy for all its worth.

I freely admit I was not expecting the Black Vortex crossover to be anything special. But damn it, this story has found a way to inject so many awesome concepts into something that sounds like a story Chris Claremont told during the mid-80s. It took what the Trial of Jean Grey successfully established, showing that a decent crossover story between the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy isn't a fluke. It turns out that a story that involves mutants, talking trees, and cosmic-powered shit storms is a winning formula. I guess if a movie like Frozen and the Hangover can be a hit, why not?

This crossover story has spanned multiple titles and explored multiple characters. Yet it has found a way to remain coherent and awesome. It would be like me passing a sobriety test during Mardi Gras in New Orleans. So many characters have found ways to shine. Even Nova has had his moments. That alone is an accomplishment that I doubt Secret Wars will match. But after all these tie-ins and diverging conflicts, the final clash has arrived. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy have to beat Mr. Knife before he tears the universe one too many assholes. Can Guardians of the Galaxy and the X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1 provide a satisfying conclusion worthy of a Bankok massage parlor? The answer is a bit complicated, but in the best possible way.

Fittingly enough, Kitty Pryde sets the stage. She lays out the simple yet epic scenario. Spartax is encased in amber, thanks to Mr. Knife and Thane's douche-baggery. A group of cosmic-powered X-men and Guardians of the Galaxy are fighting off the Slaughter Lords to keep them from the Black Vortex. And the Brood are trying to turn the entire population of Spartax into all-you-can-eat alien buffet. It's as epic as it sounds. With so many characters involved and cosmic power in the mix, it should be utterly fucked up like the last three Phoenix Force retcons. But it wasn't. I read this drunk and I still understood it. For all the crossovers and tie-ins, this story has found a way to be concise enough for a drunk to follow. That alone is an accomplishment.

Also fittingly, it's Kitty Pryde who has to save Spartax, the planet her boyfriend's father tried to screw over in ways that even Richard Nixon would find excessive. She embraced the Black Vortex, becoming this uber cosmic spirit that looks like something Richard Gere would pray to. It's eerie, yet elegant. It's ominous, yet still sexy in a cosmic way. It's not Jean Grey level sexy, but it still has that epic cosmic scale. There's also some amazing inner monologue that helps Kitty describe what she's experiencing. Some of it sounds like what I thought the last time I took one too many hits of LSD, but most is completely genuine.

This has been one of the biggest strengths of the Black Vortex crossover. It has given every character a voice at some point. So many have had a chance to assess what it means to battle cosmic power and how it feels to either embrace or reject it. For a story that involves fighting Starlord's asshole father and Thanos' asshole son, it's amazingly profound. The fact it's so profound without the aid of weed is a hell of an accomplishment.

The stakes of the battle are never undersold. It isn't just the Slaughter Lords the X-men and Guardians have to deal with either. Even Ronan the Accuser has flown head-first into this cosmic shit storm. It already led to battle that laid waste to the Kree home planet, but that's never stopped him before. Even though it's his own damn fault for stealing the Black Vortex in the first place, he's blaming the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy for it. That sounds like an excuse that a corrupt police officer working for the LAPD would use, but it works just as well for Ronan.

The battle here is undeniably epic. However, it's lacking in details. Every character is just thrown into the mix. There are no individual struggles. And maybe that might be asking for too much when cosmic power is involved. A battle like that can only get so personal. When there's a cosmic power Ronan and a cosmic powered Groot in the same battle, there can't be too many intricacies. That's like asking someone at a Coldstone to strategically place every sprinkle on top of a hot fudge sundae. It doesn't matter how the sprinkles are ordered. It still tastes pretty damn good.

Usually, these kinds of cosmic battles end up tearing the universe a few extra assholes before someone gains the upper hand. But for once, that doesn't happen. Instead, a cosmic powered Kitty Pryde tips the scale. It doesn't take a tragic sacrifice. It doesn't require Tony Stark to shoot something with a big fucking gun. She just takes this vast power that she's been granted and uses it to remove the big amber shell around Spartax, thereby saving every living soul on that world and her friends.

I want to emphasize this again. Kitty Pryde used this cosmic power to save an entire world and nobody had to die as a result. That's pretty fucking remarkable considering how often cosmic-powered characters tend to die or sacrifice themselves. It's almost like a perverse tradition at Marvel that's second only to frat initiation rituals. Some might find it bland, but I think it's a welcome change after seeing one too many tragic outcomes from cosmic powered stories.

I'm not the only one who feels this way either. Everyone on Spartax, including the X-men and Guardians who were trapped, rejoice at Kitty Pryde's act of cosmic-level badassery. Nobody dies. Nobody is sacrificed. Everybody is saved and everybody cheers. Anyone who can't find satisfaction in that needs to go back to their goth music and shitty makeup. It's especially satisfying for Starlord, who saw earlier that he was too much of a dick to handle the power of the Black Vortex. But Kitty Pryde could handle it and she saved his world. That act should give him the least awkward boner in the history of the Marvel universe.

After this massive display of planetary justice, the Slaughter Lords wisely decide to cut their losses. Someone who can rip a planet-sized shell of amber away and crush a swarm of Brood is someone they don't want to fuck with. Even Ronan decided there's only so much accusing he can do for someone at that power level. He might as well be a traffic cop trying to give Vin Disel a parking ticket. And since Mr. Knife already managed to get his ass trapped in amber, they decide they've had enough cosmic mojo for one day. And since the Black Votex is still around, they figure they'll have other chances.

Now this is somewhat abrupt. The way the Slaughter Lords and Ronan retreat feels a bit rushed, even if it is understandable. They're smart for cutting their losses. They Slaughter Lords and Ronan have proven they're not the kind of thugs that a James Bond villain would hire. They got something out of this and were okay with how it panned out. However, the lack of a definitive defeat for them is still a bit disappointing even if it is logical on paper. Sometimes we can't expect logic to be epic unless Bill Nye is the one teaching it.

Now the Slaughter Lords are gone and so are the Brood. Spartax is safe and so are its people. So what's left for the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy? Some of them still have cosmic power that could corrupt them at any second. Then there's Gara, the ancient Dragonball Z ripoff who first got screwed over by the Black Vortex. She's fought hard to get it back and neither the X-men nor the Guardians are inclined to fight her for it. However, she understands that it's not good for the universe to have one too many cosmic characters running around.

So she makes an offer to those who submitted. They can give up their cosmic power and avoid further corruption, but warns them that rejecting it is kind of like spitting in the face of a Celestial. It may come back to bite them in the ass. And this kind of power does have a way of leaving scars, as though anyone who has ever known Jean Grey has to be warned of that shit. It still makes for an interesting dilemma in a series that has had plenty of them.

This leads to some internal debate, although not nearly on the same levels as we saw earlier in the series. There is some discussion among certain characters about whether to keep their cosmic enhancements. But some, like O5 Cyclops, don't need to discuss it. He already saw what happened to him when he embraced cosmic power. He has all the reason in the world to give it up. But the decisions for characters like Groot and O5 Iceman aren't as obvious. There's not a lot of discussions with them.

But what makes those decisions worthwhile is that some choose to keep their cosmic power, O5 Angel and Gamora being the most notable. This is actually pretty remarkable in the sense that it ensures this story will have a lasting impact. This isn't one of those stories that end like an episode of the Friends where everything goes back to normal at the end. There are going to be some lasting impacts. Some have already been revealed in other comics. It easily could've been undone so as not to fuck things up too much before Secret Wars. But that's not what happened and that makes these decisions more meaningful.

The one who probably has the most to lose is Beast, who is finally beginning to see that he might have been the omega level asshole by fucking with the timeline. He saw with his cosmic enhancements just how much he fucked up. Him keeping his cosmic power would be like Lance Armstrong keeping his medals. It just wouldn't be right. So he joins O5 Iceman, O5 Cyclops, and Groot in removing their cosmic enhancements. They don't seem to have any lasting scars initially, but I guess that's the benefit of Tony Stark not shooting it with a big ass gun.

With the decisions made, Gara leaves with the Black Vortex. Then the Guardians of the Galaxy do what they did on their last team-up with the X-men and take them home. But along the way, Kitty Pryde and Starlord have a nice moment. It turns out Kitty didn't give up her cosmic power. Why would she after she proved she was more than qualified to handle it? She passed the test that Jean Grey failed on multiple occasions, saving a world and not losing her fucking mind. She's earned the right to embrace these powers, if only for a while. And Starlord, having watched his girlfriend save his home planet, has every reason to romance the shit out of her. Any woman who saves a man's home planet and makes his asshole father look like a dick has earned a man's unconditional love. That's just a fact.

Starlord seems to understand this rule well because he does more than just share a few kisses and offer to take her on a fancy date. He actually does something that the editors at DC Comics swore they would never let their characters do. He gets down on one knee and asks Kitty Pryde to marry him. I'll give all the tweens a moment to squee as much as they need to. Men, feel free to squee as well. There's no shame in it.

Now I know the topic of marriage in comics has a permanent shit stain thanks to Peter fucking Parker, but I think there's still a place for it. And while I know the relationship between Starlord and Kitty Pryde is fairly new, having only begun after the Trial of Jean Grey, it's a relationship that has hit all the right chords. And let's face it, after Kitty Pryde saved his world, Starlord would be a total asshat if he didn't propose to Kitty. And in her cosmic state, she knows he's not just trying to get on her insurance plan so she says yes.

This is a beautiful moment for the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy. For Thane, Mr. Knife, and Ronan the Accuser, this is right up there with working late on a Saturday night. Mr. Knife is still encased in amber, which makes him a perfect addition for the Collector. Ronan is still pissed off that his planet was decimated, even though it was his own damn fault. But he's now a cosmic-powered douche so he has even fewer reasons to give a shit. These are some simple loose ends that are resolved in a very quick way, but at least they're not glossed over. These days, that alone counts for a lot.

And Thane, the son of Thanos, still wants to succeed where his father constantly fucked up. However, he knows he can't do that without the Black Vortex. He's going to keep looking for it, even though Gara has it now. It leaves open the possibility that we'll get something else out of this story down the line. Given the extent of its awesome, I can't say that's a bad thing.

But fuck Thane. Fuck Ronan the Accuser. And fuck Mr. Knife from here until the end of the multiverse. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy won the day and they deserve this happy moment. There's nothing ominous or dark about this ending. There's no eerie post-credits scene. We just get to see the X-men and the Guardians cheering as they hear that Starlord and Kitty Pryde are getting married. It's a beautiful moment. Even Magik smiles and she's got a fucking demon realm in her. Storm is so happy that she even asks Rocket Racoon to be her date to the wedding. It sounds like such a fucked up concept, but admit it. You want to see that and some of you might even want to jerk off to it.

There's no tragedy. There's no heartbreak. Kitty Pryde and Starlord have the happy ending that so few outside of a Disney movie get these days. It's basically the anti-Dark Phoenix Saga. Cosmic power corrupts some, but it also helps save the day. Kitty and Starlord were already at a crossroads with their relationship before this story began. Now they're getting married. It's the end of an epic journey that has a very satisfying conclusion. And an ending where nobody's heart gets broken or nobody's balls gets busted is epic in its own right.

Let me put this into perspective before my drunken ranting gets too slurred. This crossover story, the Black Vortex, did something pretty amazing. It told a big crossover story that involved cosmic power and it didn't involve someone dying or sacrificing themselves. Let me repeat that. This story involved cosmic power without someone having to make a sacrifice or get needlessly killed. I think everyone who has been burned out on stories like the Phoenix Saga can appreciate just how remarkable an accomplishment that is. Not only did nobody die here, but there's actually going to be a wedding now and Storm might actually take Rocket Racoon as a date. I dare anybody to say with a straight face they don't want to see that.

As remarkable an achievement as the Black Vortex crossover was, it still isn't on the same epic scale as the Phoenix Saga. Very few stories are. This story succeeded in telling a story that covered a lot of characters and utilized cosmic forces, but it did so in a way that never got too chaotic. I never felt the need to sober up in order to follow along and for a story this big, that's saying a lot. As a drunk, I thank Sam Humphries for being so considerate.

There were plenty of successes here and Kitty Pryde being the one that ended this conflict was by far the best. However, the end result was a bit rushed. And while there was some debate over giving up the power of the Black Vortex, it wasn't as passionate as earlier discussions over it's power. Some still gave it up and some still kept it so at the very least, the impact of this story will be felt beyond Kitty Pryde and Starlords pending nuptials. It's a cosmic story that ended on a happy note, something that helps make this crossover story something to be cherished. That's why I give Guardians of the Galaxy and the X-men: Black Vortex Omega #1 a 9 out of 10. It's a story that has exceeded expectations and proved once again that the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy are a winning combination. I guess it's just hard to go wrong with stories involving space pirates, talking raccoons, and inter-stellar romance. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Legendary Starlord #11

There are just some problems that cannot be fixed, no matter how hard anyone tries. And I’m not talking about making a shitty internet connection bearable. Human beings just aren’t conditioned to endure shit like that. I’m talking about issues that are a clusterfuck of circumstance. Kitty Pryde has been in her share of clusterfucks, some of which ended up with her in a fucking bullet that got launched into space. But after getting involved with a number of guys named Peter and fucking it up along the way, she finally found a Peter she could enjoy in Starlord. There’s a good dick joke in there, but it’s just too easy.

The problem is Peter Quill’s father is a cosmic-level douche-bag. How big of a douche-bag can he be? He tried to murder his son at least once a week and he froze a whole planet in amber. And he did this without the Black Vortex. Giving him power like that would be like giving King Joffrey the Ultimate Nullifier. More than anything else, this latest crossover between the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy established that Starlord’s father is a monumental douche of galactic proportions. And with Mr. Knife closing in for the kill in Legendary Starlord #11, time is running out. All Starlord wanted to do was have some fun with his girlfriend and watch Rocket get drunk with Groot. Was that really so much to ask?

Since the both the Brood and the Slaughter Lords are involved, I guess that question doesn’t need an answer. Kitty Pryde gets things going with a few painful reminders about her weakness for cute boys named Peter. It all started with her and Starlord pissing off his father by stealing the Black Vortex. Then it ended up with her getting encased in amber. I have had my share of shitty dates, but that definitely ranks in the top five. At least Kitty didn’t wake up in the back of a pickup truck next to a goat and used bottle of lube.

She and Starlord are trying to protect Spartax from the Slaughter Lords, who are trying desperately to do Mr. Knife’s dirty work for him so he can continue pleasuring himself to the screams of his son and his son’s girlfriend. Magik even joins in the fun. But even a demon-powered teenage girl can only do so much against the Slaughter Lords and the Brood. Again, Starlord’s father is just that big an asshole.

There’s some really nice inner musings here by Kitty Pryde. Numerous characters have had a chance to show their thoughts in this story. Usually, this stuff is easy to overdo, like putting wasabi on a taco. But it definitely helps give weight to the story here. It also allows Kitty Pryde to assess just how bad the situation is. They’ve got the Brood, the Slaughter Lords, and Starlord’s father. On top of that, some of their friends are still stuck in amber. Forget having a shitty date. This is right up there with divorce, a tax audit, and being sued by Rupert Murdoch.

That’s not to say that all is lost. In the midst of this cosmic shit storm, Captain Marvel manages to make it back to Spartax. It’s another example of perfect convergence between the issues. She was able to get the Black Vortex away from Mr. Knife, but ended up getting chased by Gara, who got drunk on the Black Vortex eons ago. So her day has sucked just as much. Even so, having the Black Vortex in their possession goes a long ways towards ensuring that Mr. Knife won’t use it to fuck them over even more. It still attracts a larger shit storm, but it’s one they can still navigate.

Gara makes sure they don’t get too lazy. Because the Brood and Mr. Knife weren’t enough, she decides to kick up more shit by demanding they give the Black Vortex to her. Since this woman looks about as trustworthy as used car salesman at a lot owned by Cobra Commander, they’re not exactly inclined to give it up. And since Gara has a few billion years of experience with this thing, she’s willing to fight dirty. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy try to hold her off by throwing Magik at her. Again, a demon-powered teenage girl can only do so much. Believe me, I’m just as shocked that I have to keep pointing that out.

The intensity of this battle, along with the lingering threat posed by the Brood and the Slaughter Lords, leads some to think that a little extra cosmic power might be warranted. At this point, they might as well be playing Contra without cheat codes. It’s a losing battle with so many enemies. And since they have the Black Vortex, why the fuck not?

Well that kind of logic breaks down when O5 Jean Grey decides to take a dip in the cosmic pool. However, any X-men fan who has been alive since the mid-80s knows she has shittier luck than most when it comes to cosmic power. She wants to do it to save Spartax this time. Her heart is in the right place, but 5 billion D’brai would argue that’s not enough.

It’s a tense moment and one that could’ve easily turned the Black Vortex into the 1,988,584^th rip-off of the Phoenix Saga, but that’s not what happens. O5 Jean comes close to submitting, but Starlord stops her. He and Kitty Pryde agree that her history with cosmic power is just too spotty. While she might take offense to that, I don’t think she would deny it. She might be an irrational teenager, but she even she’s not willing to be this reckless. She should probably stick to weed, beer, and porn like most teenagers.

But someone still needs to tap a little of that cosmic power to tip the balance. Otherwise, they might as well be pissing into the cosmic wind. They all agree that they stand no chance against the Brood, Gara, and the Slaughter Lords without cosmic power. So being the responsible boyfriend, Starlord decides to volunteer. It’s fitting in many ways. It’s his father who’s causing this shit. He’s the one trying to show Kitty Pryde that he’s different from the other Peters she’s dated. This could be his chance to earn a permanent place in her panties.

So he takes a look inside the Black Vortex and he sees his cosmic version. And I gotta say, it’s pretty damn awesome. He doesn’t become a monster. He doesn’t go batshit crazy and decide snuff out an entire star system out of sheer boredom. He just becomes a supremely powerful, supremely confident cosmic badass. He’s basically like Han Solo, Captain Kirk, and Chuck Norris all rolled into one, plus cosmic power. He could both save Spartax and upstage his father. There couldn’t possibly be any downside to it. Hell, he could end this conflict while jerking off if he wanted.

However, there is another part of that vision into his cosmic awesome that makes him think twice. In addition to being a cosmic-powered badass, he also becomes a cosmic-powered douche-bag. He’ll save the day. He’ll upstage his father. He might even become the most celebrated cosmic figure since that three-titted woman in Total Recall. But in doing so, he would lose Kitty Pryde. Apparently, slutty women of every alien race find cosmic-powered douche-bags sexy. And with that kind of power, Starlord just can’t resist being the asshole that pushes Kitty away.

It makes for another powerful, emotional moment in which Starlord rejects this power. As much as he and everyone who ever saw Star Wars wants to be a badass, he’s not willing to break Kitty Pryde’s heart. Now is it selfish? Yes, to some degree. Does it sound like the kind of exaggerated romantic ploy that belongs in a bad Hugh Grant movie? Kind of. But it makes Starlord show more humility than he’s shown in a long time. It’ll give some women a pussy boner, but it still leaves the situation unresolved.

There’s still the matter of the Slaughter Lords and the Brood. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy want to save Spartax and they need cosmic mojo to do it. This is where things get a little choppy. Gara, who has had a rage boner since she showed up in this story, takes a moment to lecture them on how fucked they are if they try to tamper with the Black Vortex. She knows because she fucked with it billions of years ago and ended up destroying her entire race. It’s a story that was already explored early in the Black Vortex crossover. Getting a reminder really doesn’t add much to it. She tells them noting that they didn’t already learn in the Phoenix Saga. If they fuck with this power, they may save Spartax. But they may end up turning countless other planets into the equivalent of downtown Detroit.

There’s some light debate on the merits of using the Black Vortex at this point. It’s nowhere near as spirited as earlier debates. That’s a bit of a problem because the stakes are much higher now. They’re not just looking to take this cosmic power for a cruise down the cosmic highway and show off to whatever the space equivalent is for cute cheerleaders. They’re trying to save a planet and stop Mr. Knife from wielding a cosmic-powered rage boner. It’s a debate that should be a lot more emotional, but it falls flatter this time.

In the end, it does lead to a meaningful decision. While Starlord and O5 Jean Grey might not be able to handle this power, Kitty Pryde decides she’s willing to risk it. She doesn’t have as big a history of murdering 5 billion aliens or being a space-outlaw douche. She is probably in the best position because she has the most incentive. She’s trying to help her boyfriend’s home planet. She’s trying to piss off her father. Short of carrying his child, Kitty Pryde has every conceivable reason to wield the power of the Black Vortex and not screw up. It still feels like Gara and Starlord don’t do or say enough to dissuade her, but it’s still a moment that carries a lot of weight.

So without any more meaningful debate, Kitty Pryde decides to take the jump and embraces the power of the Black Vortex. This time, we don’t get any visions of what could happen if she fucks up. We don’t see her sitting by a pool while a bunch of male strippers named Peter serve her martinis. Instead, she becomes this cosmic-powered ghost who looks like she’d haunt the nightmares of Mr. Knife and bless the wet dreams of every man named Peter in the history of the universe. It’s not quite as spectacular as Jean Grey embracing the Phoenix Force or Thanos wielding the Infinity Guantlet. But it is eerily beautiful in its own special way and the emotions behind her choice still carry plenty of weight. The only problem at this point is that Starlord probably has to hide the most awkward boner of his life.

This issue wasn’t epic in that it didn’t have the same cosmic-powered smackdowns that previous issues had. There was a lot more talking and a lot less planets being turned into a giant Jurassic Park prop. Granted, that talking was meaningful. Nobody ever got off-topic and started discussing the NFL draft or anything like that. And it did move the story forward. Once again, the overall Black Vortex story remained concise and focused. Given the size and scope of this story, it deserves a steak dinner and a blow-job. That still didn’t keep it from dragging a bit more than previous issues. And the absence of Mr. Knife and the rest of the team didn’t help. At times, it felt like only half a pizza. It’s still better than no pizza, but not as good as it could have been.

Even with all the talking and repetitive whining, this issue made a solid contribution to the Black Vortex story as a whole. It also played up the emotional undertones between Starlord and Kitty Pryde. Even though some of those undertones felt too Twilight-esque at times, it still felt genuine. The emotions don’t feel overly forced, but they’re not going to make anyone think they did an extra line of blow. It was still enough to make Kitty Pryde’s decision at the end feel meaningful. It took a while and it was a bit predictable, but it still felt right. That’s why I give Legendary Starlord #11 a 7 out of 10. All Starlord wanted to do was enjoy his time with his girlfriend and not have to save the galaxy. His dad is just that big of a douche and the Black Vortex is just that much of a cockblock. I think a lot of men can relate to some degree. It still beats being dragged to a shitty Johnny Depp movie. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Guardians of the Galaxy #25

Cosmic power in the Marvel universe is like tequila. It’s incredibly potent and can make all sorts of wonderful shit happen. But it’s also extremely easy to abuse and can cause a world of pain. In the same way most people can’t handle tequila, most can’t handle cosmic power either. And something like the Black Vortex is akin to making tequila more potent while tasting as good as a chocolate milkshake with whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles on top. There are very few ways that shit can’t be abused to a horrible degree. And so far, the Black Vortex crossover has done plenty to make the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy swear off cosmic power and tequila for the foreseeable future.

However, they haven’t quite reached the point where the nasty hangover kicks in just yet. They’re still in the midst of the kind of cosmic bar fight that usually ends with cracked skulls and multiple concussions. Beast, Gamora, and O5 Angel have already caused the kind of mess that’s usually reserved for a Spring Break holiday in Cancun by a bunch of frat boys armed with Donald Trump’s credit card. At some point, the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy have to play the part of the asshole bartender that cuts them off. Guardians of the Galaxy #25 takes them one step closer to that nasty hangover, but it also shows that they would probably make shitty bartenders.

That hangover can’t come soon enough for Hank McCoy. This is a guy who has been drunk on his douche-baggery for way too long. He’s so smart, but he can’t see the omega level asshole he’s become. He bitches about Cyclops, but offers no solutions. He whines about tapping immense power, but fucks up the space-time continuum to bring the O5 X-men back from the past. If his hypocrisy were any worse, Ted Haggard would try to buy meth from him. At some point, he has to see how badly he’s fucked up. Well that time has finally come. It just took cosmic level power for him to do it. That’s both ironic and hypocritical.

He laments to Gamora how he stuck his dick in the sadistic bitch that is hypocrisy, thinking he was doing the right thing. And just like Cyclops, the guy he can’t stop bitching about, he thought he could handle the power and the responsibility. Now that he has the power of the Black Vortex, he realizes he’s fucked. Even with cosmic power, he can’t undo the damage he did. It’s still too late to make him less of an asshole, but that doesn’t make this any less refreshing. Like someone lost in the desert, this feels like a nice cold beer. It’s still not enough, but it’s more progress than Hank McCoy has had in years.

Beast’s overdue humility still doesn’t help the friends he’s screwed over. A team of X-men, Guardians of the Galaxy, and Nova attempted to get to Hala to retrieve the Black Vortex from Ronan. They arrived on a planet that Beast, Gamora, and O5 Angel did a damn good job of fucking up. And Ronan even got in on the act, using the Black Vortex for himself and deciding to give the finger to his home world as well. I guess he understands that he has a lot of catching up to do if he wants to reach Hank McCoy’s level of douche-baggery. The X-men and the Guardians understand this and they want to use the Black Vortex to return their friends to a state that’s slightly less overpowered.

It’s a perfectly reasonable request. It’s in the universe’s best interest to have fewer cosmic-powered assholes running around. So of course the Supreme Intelligence tells them to piss off. He’s okay with just sealing it away and using the Kree’s might to subdue these cosmic-powered renegades. That has some merit on some levels. And by that, I mean it has as much merit as a war plan organized by Dick Cheney. But it’s at least somewhat balanced. That’s something this whole story has been pretty good at maintaining, even when characters like Ronan and Beast are involved. That alone is quite an accomplishment.

Balance or not, the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy aren’t inclined to be overly diplomatic. They came expecting to resort to Jack Baur’s tactics, knowing that the Supreme Intelligence was never going to be overly generous. So Starlord decides intelligence is overrated and starts shooting while Nova takes the Black Vortex. It makes for a pretty epic escape, complete with Captain Marvel punching the Supreme Intelligence in the face. For her, that’s like me kicking my old gym teacher in the balls. It’s just that satisfying.

It’s also satisfying to see Nova finally do something meaningful. His presence in this story was a bit forced, but he’s finally found a way to contribute. He’s still an immature kid who has seen Indiana Jones one times too many, but that only makes his battle against the Kree Accusers more entertaining. I’ve never been much of a Nova fan because he comes off as the teenage Peter Parker that Andrew Garfield failed to be, but I will give him credit here. Any kid who can go up against the Kree and pwn them appropriately deserves respect.

Nova’s efforts to escape with the Black Vortex are still dependent on the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy’s ability to keep the Supreme Intelligence from using Nova as chewing gum. They have to take part in another epic battle in a story that has already had plenty. But like a nap on a beach in Maui, it’s one of those things that’s hard to overdo.

The battle is intense, but brief. However, it’s not rushed because it’s brief for a damn good reason. Even though the X-men and the Guardians are surrounded by Kree Accusers and a very pissed off Supreme Intelligence, they still have O5 Jean Grey on their side. That’s like bringing the Death Star to a knife fight. They have the edge. And O5 Jean even uses this as a chance to exercise the powers she gained during her last adventure with the Guardians of the Galaxy, turning the psychic energy around her into an unstoppable wave of pants-shitting awesome. The Supreme Intelligence is the lucky one here because it doesn’t wear pants, but I’m sure it wished it did.

With the Supreme Intelligence down for the count, the X-men and the Guardians can escape. They just have to trust that Nova found a way to escape with the Black Vortex. That’s right. They trust that an immature teenager who only recently got access to the power of the Nova corps can protect the Black Vortex from the Kree. That’s like trusting Russian teenagers with a crate of grenades and an unlimited supply of vodka. It’s not going to work.

The result is somewhat predictable. Nova eventually does fuck up, but it’s not from the Kree. One of the Slaughter Lords that had been sent to Hala to retrieve the Black Vortex for Mr. Knife finally joined the party. Since the Kree couldn’t get the job done, he decides to show them how it’s done. I hope the Kree took notes. Nova is the one who gets pwned this time and he doesn’t have the luxury of a pissed off Jean Grey to back him up. So while he did show some competence against the Kree, the Slaughter Lords remind us that he’s still a teenager.

But neither the Slaughter Lords nor Mr. Knife are content to just rough up some whiney teenager and take the Black Vortex. That just seems too half-assed. Mr. Knife decides he has to go the extra distance to prove he’s now the biggest asshole in the universe, leapfrogging Hank McCoy and Iceman by several light-years. To do that, he decides to turn his ship on Hala and finish what Beast, Gamora, and O5 Angel only started. He destroys the whole fucking planet.

It’s not clean or swift like the Death Star either. Mr. Knife is the kind of asshole who likes to rip the wings off a bug and torture it for a while before he crushes it. He bombards the planet with missiles, so much so that he rips out a chunk of the planet. It’s every bit as epic as it sounds and then some. It forces the X-men and the Guardians, as well as most of the Kree, to get the fuck off that planet as if it were the site of an upcoming Justin Bieber concert. It shocks even Starlord, who already knew his father was an asshole, just not on this scale.

Now it was a given that a few planets would get fucked up during this story. Any story involving cosmic-powered characters is bound to rearrange a few solar systems. But Mr. Knife did this shit without the aid of the Black Vortex. He just had to be a total douche-bag with a big ass ship and a complete disregard for life in general. It’s another example, albeit terrifying, of the balance this story has maintained. But that only adds to the overall awesome.

Mr. Knife has now firmly established himself as the last person in the universe who should have the power of the Black Vortex. He doesn’t just order the destruction of Hala. He takes pleasure in it like a guy jerking off to animal porn. He paints it as a good thing for the galaxy, although he doesn’t hide that he blames the Kree for him losing his world. So there’s also an element of vindictive douche-baggery at work here, as if he needed.

The thought of this guy having the Black Vortex should make the universe as a whole shit itself. And for a moment, it looks like he has it. The Slaughter Lords roughed up Nova and took it. They should be preparing for the party when Mr. Knife takes a big cosmic shit on the ruins of Hala. However, one of them reveals they lost the Black Vortex. It’s not entirely clear how it happened, but it is revealed that it’s still with Nova. Somehow he managed to wrestle it away when he wasn’t busy looking like an immature teenager. It’s a bit of an oversight that could be easily addressed in another issue. Or it could just be one of those cases where an immature teenager gets lucky. If it’s ever going to happen, it should happen at a time like this to keep an asshole like Mr. Knife from getting the Black Vortex.

The problem is the Black Vortex is still out there and it’s still vulnerable for any cosmic asshole to exploit. That’s why Magik and Rocket Raccoon were tasked with finding Gamora, Beast, and O5 Angel and hope they’re not too drunk on cosmic power to help. Even they have to agree on some levels that keeping Mr. Knife away from the Black Vortex is in everybody’s best interest.

There’s some funny moments with Rocket Raccoon, but there’s also a meaningful conversation here. There have actually been many of those in a story that has already blown up a planet so that’s saying something. Magik uses her experience with being Dormammu’s mystica; prison bitch to relate to Gamora’s plight. I won’t say it’s a perfect analogy, but it does speak to the same themes of dealing with overwhelming power. And that’s something they’re all dangerously close to failing at.

Then they pick up on the destruction of Hala and now there’s some fucking urgency to not fail. And since cosmic power wasn’t even used to destroy it, Gamora and Beast decide it’s time to stop waving their cosmic-powered dick around and help their friends. It’s another small step towards Hank McCoy’s long road to being likable again. He still has a long fucking ways to go. If it takes the destruction of a whole planet for him to get his shit together, then it might not be worth it.

Even so, Mr. Knife is already going in the opposite direction and he’s well on his way to surpassing Beast’s douche-baggery at an exponential rate. He might not have the Black Vortex, but he does have a few hostages. The Slaughter Lords were able to take O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot prisoner when their teammates were escaping Spartax. Now Mr. Knife wants to use them as bait to get the Black Vortex back. He also makes sure to inform them that he just blew up a planet and got a big fucking boner while doing it. He then makes clear he’s willing to do that to Earth while the surviving Kree give him a hand-job. It’s a fucked up situation that even Groot can’t sufficiently articulate. I get it, Mr. Knife. You’re a bigger asshole than Beast now. I concede. This issue makes that abundantly clear in the most awesome possible way and ensures more planets could blow up before this is over.

When the Black Vortex crossover started, I think everybody got the impression that this was the comic book equivalent of an NFL preseason game. It was meaningless filler meant to bridge the gap to the regular season, which in this case I guess would be Secret Wars. But somehow, the Black Vortex has found a way to be awesome on a truly epic level. It couldn’t be more proficient without being a star quarterback married to a Brazilian supermodel. This issue truly reinforced the epic scale of this story. A fucking planet got blown up and not in the casual Phoenix Force kind of way either. It was a massive, Independence Day style attack that hit all the right emotions without being derailed by a Will Smith character.

Any crossover story can start strong. I’m sure Battlefield Earth felt interesting to some during the first five minutes. But Black Vortex keeps finding a way to build momentum. It’s getting so many great characters involved. The X-men, the Guardians of the Galaxy, the Starjammers, and even Nova are all finding a way to be awesome in their own right. The struggle keeps taking new turns. Some are personal and way fucking overdue, as with everything involving Hank McCoy. Some are just epic in a way that blows up half a fucking planet. Mix that shit together and it’s like Jack and Coke. It’s a beautiful, potent combination that’ll get people fucked up in all the right ways. I give Guardians of the Galaxy #25 a 9 out of 10. Fuck the preseason. This story is a playoff contender now. Just hope that it doesn’t fail to complete the process of making the catch or it can end badly. Just ask Dez Bryant. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Legendary Starlord #9

We’re all taught time and again that power corrupts and we shouldn’t stick our dick in it unless we want to get horribly maimed. We tend to believe that because it makes for great stories about the underdog overcoming overwhelming power. That’s the appeal of every Rocky movie ever made. But on some levels, we all wish we had that kind of power, if only to maim the assholes who cut us off on the highway. Well that’s exactly the kind of thinking the Black Vortex crossover appeals to. And so far, that appeal has made for a pretty awesome story.

The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy have teamed up again. This unlikely crossover has already produced some unlikely awesome with The Trial of Jean Grey and so far, this story has shown that it wasn’t a fluke. But this time, they’re not the underdogs. They were able to take the Black Vortex from Mr. Knife and the Slaughter Lords before they could use it to make the universe their own personal roll of toilet paper. They debated on whether they should use it for a while and that made for some nice moments. Then Gamora decided to tempt them in a way that can’t be matched without strippers laying on a bed of cocaine. She showed them what they could all look like if they decided they want to pack cosmic heat. And seriously, who wouldn’t be tempted about getting the kind of power that would mean they never paid for another speeding ticket?

Now in the Legendary Starlord #9, we see who can best resist the lure of this power. There was already tension among lovers, teammates, and talking trees. Adding cosmic power to the mix is a great way to fuck things up and/or make it more entertaining. However it pans out, I’m sure Hank McCoy will still find a way to blame Cyclops for it.

For the moment, Beast is letting his cosmic nuts hang along with Gamora. They’re both enjoying the effects of the Black Vortex the same way enjoy a cold beer and a hot bath. They just showed the X-men, the Guardians of the Galaxy, and Nova what they can expect with this power. While I’m sure they’re tempted, they understand that it’s like an infomercial for a weight loss drug. It’s never as good as the paid supermodels make it out to be. And since Beast is no supermodel, nobody on either team is lining up to give him the credit card number to their souls.

But in the same way infomercials sucker some people in with their shitty effects and overly enthusiastic voice-overs, some are tempted. And O5 Angel is one of them. Given what he’s been through in the pages of All-New X-men, that’s actually understandable. He found out that he’s going to grow up to be a brain-dead hippie, minus the excessive LSD and body odor. That’s not a lot to look forward to. While Iceman might be content never evolving beyond being an immature little shit, O5 Angel isn’t.

So he decides to submit to the Black Vortex. Even though it has the feel of one of those videos that put paintball guns in the hands of teenagers, the initial result is pretty awesome. O5 Angel becomes a slightly upgraded version of Arcangel, minus the smurf-like appearance. I admit it’s pretty badass. I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t take Arcangel as being that menacing when he had the same skin complexion as Papa Smurf. Even Nova admits it’s cool. I usually don’t agree with Nova on much so I think that says a lot about just how potent the Black Vortex is.

And like a joint of some really awesome weed, others want a puff. O5 Iceman, again showing the maturity that never leaves a Junior High homeroom, wants to get a taste. Drax saves us from his cosmic level immaturity by getting in his way. And Kitty Pryde tries to stop Beast from tempting any more impressionable young minds. At this point, German dungeon porn is healthier than Beast’s influence.

What’s really fucked up about it is that Beast in this new form sounds exactly like Cyclops did while he was doped up on the Phoenix Force. He talks about accomplishing so much more with this power than they ever could have otherwise. He talks about remaking the whole universe in their image whereas Cyclops only wanted to remake the Earth. Yet Beast still gives Cyclops shit? I know I shouldn’t be surprised by this level of hypocrisy. I really shouldn’t. Yet here I am.

Storm seems to sense the hypocrisy as well because she decides to grab the Black Vortex and run while Kitty Pryde is busy busting Beast’s balls. It’s a pretty effective distraction for someone just looking to cock-block a friend at a club in Miami. But when cosmic power is involved, it’s like pissing on the face of a hungry shark. It’s not going to end well.

It has already ended in a pretty shitty way for Mr. Knife, also known as Starlord’s asshole father. He’s not at all thrilled that he lost the Black Vortex. He’s probably pissing himself at the possibility that he may have to face his cosmic-powered son and his girlfriend, who he’s gone out of his way to berate. But he still has allies, specifically Thanos’ son. He also has a giant fucking ship so it’s not like he’s completely helpless. He’s still totally fucked, but at least he’ll put up a fight. Even though he’s still the underdog in this battle that involves cosmically powered X-men and Gamora, I have a hard time rooting for him. How can I root for anyone who berates his son’s even after he’s hooked up with Kitty Pryde? There’s being tough and then there’s just being a douche-bag.

Starlord’s father is still very low on the list of concerns for the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy at this point. Storm is probably the only one in the galaxy at this point who can be trusted with getting the Black Vortex as far away from Beast, O5 Angel, and Gamora at this point. But she might as well be hiding a cheesecake from John Goodman. They’ve got cosmic fucking power on their side. It’s like giving Ivan Drago a tank.

That doesn’t stop her from putting up a fight. She may not have cosmic power, but she’s Storm. She doesn’t need cosmic power to kick ass. She gets into a visceral battle with Gamora. It’s the kind of battle that gets my heart racing and my dick aching, but in a good way. It’s not rushed. It’s not glossed over. It’s just a beautifully detailed struggle. Anyone who can’t enjoy this is either comatose or overdosing on Xanax.

Gamora eventually does beat Storm. As satisfying a fight it might be, it’s more lopsided than Brian Williams’ memory. She’s not going to defeat a cosmically powered Gamora for the same reason I’ll never bang Megan Fox and Jessica Alba in a single night. But Storm still has allies. They might not be able to hook me up with movie stars, but they can make the battle feel a little less lopsided. O5 Jean Grey does this by doing a little mind-fuck with Gamora, tapping into her cosmic-powered daddy issues with Thanos. She doesn’t appreciate this in the same way Willie Nelson doesn’t appreciate the IRS. She tries to gut O5 Jean where she stands, but Kitty Pryde manages to spare them another Phoenix-level fuck-up.

Drax and some of the others catch up to help keep O5 Jean and Kitty Pryde from being Friday the 13^th cos-players against Gamora. Again, it’s a nicely detailed and well-developed battle. It’s not rushed and on some levels, it drags a bit. Not much really happens as a result of the X-men and Guardians’ effort to keep the Black Vortex from their cosmic-powered friends. It’s not as emotional as it could be either. However, it’s still satisfying enough to make everyone’s pants at least somewhat tighter.

The battle’s outcome is hardly surprising. The X-men, the Guardians of the Galaxy, and Nova really don’t stand much of a chance against three cosmic-powered friends. Beast and O5 Angel manage to get their hands on the Black Vortex again. They don’t stick around to finish off their friends. While Gamora is tempted and my penis does want to see her keep fighting, Beast convinces her that their time would better be spent putting the Black Vortex to good use. I still really want to kick his ass for basically plagiarizing that shit from Cyclops during Avengers vs. X-men, but I’ve learned to control my outrage towards Hank McCoy. It may take a few extra bong hits. At some point, however, I’d love it if someone called him out on his shit.

Instead, Kitty Pryde takes her frustration out on her boyfriend. Apparently, she blames him for Gamora choosing to embrace its power and Beast deciding that he wants to be an even bigger hypocrite. It’s irrational and she comes off as a nagging bitch. Having been blamed for way more shit than I was ever guilty of by ex-girlfriends, I’m not all that surprised. I just think this is a disturbing pattern for Kitty Pryde. She’s so fucking petty with the Peters in her life. She’ll blame them for choices that other people make and use that as an excuse to bust their balls. She’s a great teacher and a great motivator, but it’s times like this I’m glad my parents didn’t name me Peter.

The others remain a bit more focused. They see their friends leaving with the Black Vortex and they know they’re capable of kicking up a cosmic shit storm. Hank McCoy alone already fucked up the timeline without cosmic power. How much more can he fuck up now that he has it? IT’s a disturbing thought and both the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy are pretty fucked. And Kitty Pryde just makes it worse by berating her boyfriend.

However, as bad as Kitty Pryde can be in dealing with boyfriends and crises, Starlord’s father is still the reigning champ. Just as the others escape with the Black Vortex, he shows up in his giant living ship to attack them. As far as he knows, they still have the Black Vortex. They may already be packing cosmic heat. So like Jack Baur at a terrorist convention, he doesn’t ask questions. He just starts shooting. There are a lot of ways a conflict involving cosmic forces can get progressively worse. Starlord’s father just put himself in the top ten.

If this story were an episode of Jerry Springer, this would be the point where the transsexuals and midget strippers start fighting. They wouldn’t yet reveal that one of the midgets slept with the transsexual’s mother, but it’s getting there. Not everyone is succumbing to the lure of the Black Vortex, but some really want to. It’s creating the kind of discord that reminds me why I miss Jerry Springer. But beyond the well-developed infighting, there’s a remarkably balanced conflict there. Both sides have merit in that conflict. There’s genuine good that could be done with the Black Vortex. Sure, that depends on completely forgetting the shit storm caused by other cosmic powers like the Phoenix Force, but that doesn’t make it any less justified. And it’s that balance that gives this story just the right kind of tension.

As balanced as the conflict was, the story didn’t move forward all that much. Most of it centered around the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy fighting over what to do with the Black Vortex and Kitty Pryde blaming Starlord for not destroying it. But what it lacked in progress it made up for in detail. The struggles here were beautifully visceral and had a few notable moments that should make everyone’s asshole a little tighter. There’s a lot to enjoy here. It hasn’t gotten too confusing or fucked up, even by Jerry Springer standards. It has a lot going for it and if it can avoid the same fuck-ups as Avengers vs. X-men, it has the potential to be truly special. The Legendary Starlord #9 gets an 8 out of 10. I think we should all be deeply tempted by the Black Vortex at this point. Sure, it may fuck us up. But like a fresh bottle of whiskey and a bag of weed, that’s exactly what makes it worth doing. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Guardians of the Galaxy #24

For the same reason it’s never wise to give a convicted arsonist a flamethrower, it’s also unwise to give cosmic power to certain characters. Jean Grey proved that it fuck people up in ways that couldn’t be worse without the inclusion of Jack Daniels and crystal meth. Any time someone has gotten their hands on that kind of power, it has usually led to a lot of death, destruction, and bitching on comic book message boards. And perhaps it’s for that very reason that the Black Vortex crossover has people talking. We know something that gives anyone, including the asshole who can’t spell anyone’s name right at Starbucks, a dose of comic power is bound to be a spectacle.

The event began with a rushed, but concise bang. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy have teamed up again because The Trial of Jean Grey got everyone way more drunk than expected. This time, the scale is bigger. This doesn’t just involve the X-men and the Guardians navigating the fucked up legal systems of the Shi’ar. It involves fighting over an artifact that could tear the whole universe way too many new assholes. They managed to steal it from Starlord’s asshole father, now known as Mr. Knife. Then someone thought it might be a fun idea to try it and Gamora volunteered. Now Guardians of the Galaxy #24 promises to show why this ranks right up there with New Coke, Crystal Pepsi, and non-alcoholic beer as the worst ideas of all time.

Starlord already has his doubts about this idea. He and the others watch as Gamora flexes her new cosmic power by beating the living shit out of the Slaughter Lords. She even does with the same smile that most women get when using their favorite vibrator. This is the adopted daughter of Thanos. Now she’s got cosmic power. Pretty much any fight short of an eating contest with Galacuts would be unfair at this point. Starlord understands that. He even pities the Slaughter Lords. That’s like pitying the Seattle Seahawks at this point. But more than anything else, it shows that wielding the power of the Black Vortex essentially makes every fight akin to playing Skyrim in God mode.

Even though the Slaughter Lords are getting their asses kicked in ways that Gamora will probably pleasure herself to from now on, the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy think it’s probably best to get the fuck out of this shit storm and take the Black Vortex with them. I guess just standing around and watching Gamora beat the shit out of the Slaughter Lords is just too entertaining for them. Besides, it’s probably not a good idea to have such a lop-sided battle in the presence of a cosmic artifact like the Black Vortex. That’s like leaving a barrel of lube in a room full of compulsive masturbators. It’s a bad situation.

So Magik ends up teleporting them to Spartax’s moon. It’s not exactly the Temple of Doom, but it’s not the middle of New York City during rush hour either. Now that the fighting has stopped, they all get a chance to catch their breath and decide what the they’re going to do with such a powerful artifact. They’re like a bunch of kids that just found a crate of fireworks and machine guns. It’s a volatile situation and one that actually leads to a pretty engaging discussion, complete with some heavy drama between Starlord and Kitty Pryde. Not long ago, they were bumping uglies and pissing off Starlord’s father. Now they’re arguing about the merits of using the Black Vortex. I’m not sure if that counts as progress in a relationship, but in this context it should.

Even though the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy have a history dealing with cosmic forces that go batshit, there is some significant disagreement. They look at Gamora and she’s not in the process of devouring stars or killing Charles Xavier. Bad history aside, both teams end up in way too many battles where they’re overpowered and overmatched. Honestly, would Starlord’s father or the Red Skull really be in a position to fuck with them if they had this kind of power?

It’s a genuinely engaging debate that discusses the merits of wielding great power. It’s a discussion that goes beyond fighting killer aliens and robots, something that doesn’t happen nearly enough for the X-men or the Guardians. Kitty Pryde remains adamantly opposed while others like Captain Marvel, Magik, and O5 Beast are in favor of dipping their toes in the cosmic wading pool. What makes it so compelling is that both sides make a valid point. Gamora points out how this power could help her end Thanos’ reign of douche-baggery permanently. And that says nothing about all the Sentinels the X-men can destroy with this thing. But again, the Phoenix Force comes up and that’s not something people can easily forget. And as the debate continues, Starlord’s place in Kitty Pryde’s heart and panties becomes increasingly vulnerable.

The debate doesn’t get resolved, but for good reason. Beast, never one to pass up an opportunity to be a massive douche, decides to skip the debate and try the Black Vortex for himself. The results aren’t nearly as awesome as Gamora’s overpowered ass-kicking. For Beast, the Black Vortex turns him into a cross between a Star Trek villain and a creepy Disney toy. It’s not quite as horrifying as it could be. He’s still way less goofy-looking than Cat Beast. But more than anything else, his actions prove that he’s not afraid to tell his friends to go fuck themselves so he can do shit his own way. Yet for some reason, he has a problem when Cyclops does this. Go figure.

This is bad news for both the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy. But it’s even worse news for Mr. Knife, who has now officially lost the Black Vortex to his son, his son’s girlfriend, and a bunch of mutants who are already known for being on the Shi’ar’s shit list. He’s having a bad day to say the least and his internet didn’t even go out. That’s saying a lot. He now has the fucking Brood breathing down his neck, saying he better get the Black Vortex back. He just has to find a way to pry it out of his son’s bitter grip, knowing his son’s girlfriend has the power to make that even harder.

And since Mr. Knife isn’t screwed enough, his own allies are starting to turn against him. One of them even tries to convince Thane, the son of Thanos who already got a taste of the Black Vortex, starts planning a coup. Thane doesn’t go along with it. He’s got enough shit on his plate and slipping into his father’s old habits is not a good coping mechanism. It’s still a bad sign for Mr. Knife and these guys were supposed to be the main villains. Now they’re underdogs that no amount of Mighty Ducks movies can match. It’s still hard to have sympathy for them, but fuck if they don’t have it rougher than most villains.

Villains actually aren’t the biggest problem the X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy face at this point. Now Beast is high on cosmic power and he looks at it the same way a teenage boy looks at internet porn. He’s now on the world’s greatest power trip that doesn’t involve LSD. He claims he can see the whole universe now and can solve all its problems, including the ones he created. I’m sure he’s probably said shit like that before, usually when he hasn’t had his coffee. But this time he’s got cosmic power so maybe this time he won’t fuck it up that badly. He’ll still fuck it up though. Just because he’s got cosmic power doesn’t make him any less a douche-bag.

This definitely worries Kitty Pryde and the others. X-23, never one to need powers aside from her claws, tries to destroy the Black Vortex. Beast responds by blasting her in a way Cyclops usually reserves for Captain America. I guess it’s only a dick move when he does it now. This helps end the argument. If the Black Vortex has users blasting their own teammates, then that’s probably a good sign that they should stick to safer forms of power like weed and blow. Even Starlord comes around. And to her credit, Kitty Pryde doesn’t say, “I told you so, asshole. Now you owe me a movie and cheesecake.” That alone makes her the best girlfriend in the galaxy.

The tension escalates and it’s at this point that Nova, who Starlord called in a previous issue, finally shows up the join the fight. Now his appearance isn’t completely random. Like I said, Starlord did call him. But his timing couldn’t be worse if he caught Hulk in the middle of taking a shit. He’s like a camera guy showing up in a porno. He ruins the moment. He doesn’t contribute anything.

This is probably the only part of the plot that feels choppy. It’s understandable why Nova would be involved. An artifact that induces cosmic power in its users is definitely something within the Nova Corp’s jurisdiction. The problem is that he doesn’t add to the debate or the conflict. He’s completely out of place and distracts from the reactions of the rest of the teams. He’s just there in that he provides a distraction for Gamora to fuck things up even more.

Gamora makes good use of that distraction as well. While the others are focused on Nova and Beast’s cosmic powered douche-baggery, she swipes the Black Vortex and decides to end the debate once and for all. She does this by turning the Black Vortex on everyone and giving them a full dose. They don’t ask for it. Some of them have already concluded that this isn’t something they want to fuck with. They end up getting it anyway, making for the best possible WTF moment that doesn’t involve Emma Frost being naked. And it didn’t even require that Tony Stark shoot it with a big ass gun. I think that counts as progress.

As bad an idea it was to give Gamora cosmic power, she’s not even in the same galactic neighborhood as Beast. Storm already went out of her way to tell him he’s kicking up one too many shit storms in the previous issue. Now I’m pretty sure he’s given the finger to all her concerns now that he’s got cosmic power. He and Gamora embrace this power and give the finger to anyone who thinks the lessons learned from the Phoenix Saga have any merit. And to prove their point, Gamora makes sure they all get a taste, even after they started recalling those lessons. I’m not going to say it doesn’t prove her point. I’m just saying Cyclops is probably doing a cosmic powered face palm back on Earth.

Once again, Gamora gave this issue the best possible “oh fuck!” moment it could’ve had. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy managed to keep the Black Vortex away from the Slaughter Lords. That ended up being the easy part. Now they’ve got to deal with cosmic level complications. And if after this they still think Cyclops was a douche bag with the Phoenix Force, then they’re just being assholes. It also helps that there was genuine debate on the merits of using this power, despite their shitty history with cosmic powers in general. It’s a debate that never happened during Avengers vs. X-men. Maybe that would’ve helped give it a less shitty ending. But it’s too late for that story. It sure as hell isn’t too late for this story. Guardians of the Galaxy #24 gets a 9 out of 10. Between Beast’s douche-baggery and the promise of more cosmic powered characters, this story couldn’t be more of a rush without including a free hit of meth. My dentist can breathe a sigh of relief. Everybody else can continue to squee. Nuff said!