Fear Itself #7 - Fearless Awesome

Get yourself a spare pair of underwear, Marvel fans! The end has come on yet another Earth-shattering saga. Yes, I know that Marvel routinely blows up their world more times than Rick Perry in a presidential debate. Say what you will about it as a shameless marking ploy, but when the stories are awesome who gives a damn? Civil War was awesome. Second Coming was awesome. World War Hulk was awesome. Even if you make an ass of yourself hyping the event, so long as they're good then ass yourself to death! Fear itself is the latest event/ploy/whatever you want to call it. Marvel has made a big deal out of this story, building up the anticipation like a man's first trip to a strip club. For the last six issues it has delivered Fear Itself has been the kind of oversized, explosive, and just plain over-the-top story that will bring a tear to your eye while making your dick hard enough to joust with. But it isn't complete yet. I can't put this event on the same level as Civil War and Second Coming until the end is upon us.

Now when I say a lot has happened, that's not the same as me saying I got a little tipsy last night. The six issues of Fear Itself has spanned the entire Marvel universe. The Serpent arose from centuries of being pissed off at Odin for beating him for the title of All-Father. He distributed an array of magic hammers to form an army of Asgardian thugs that he's used to terrorize the whole freakin' planet. As the fear grows, he gets stronger. He went from looking like Betty White's snatch to a pre-crazy Mel Gibson. He put Thor, Captain America, and the rest of the Avengers on the ropes. He killed Bucky Barnes and broke Captain America's shield. Now he's gathered his army of brutes in the ruins of Asgard in Brokton, Oklahoma where Captain America has assembled the Avengers for a final showdown. A lot of insane shit happened in between, but I'm too drunk to go over every detail. All you need to know is Captain America is leading every hero with the balls to fight against the Serpent to defend what's left of their overly fucked world.

It's basically an Alamo scenario for Captain America. His shield has been shattered. Everywhere around him has been blown to hell worse than downtown Tripoli. All the while the Serpent really doesn't seem to notice. He's more focused on drawing Odin out so he can pay him back for being locked at the bottom of the ocean for so damn long. All the heroes that are opposing him and the people he's terrorizing are just a mild rectal itch to him. He really hasn't been threatened that much since this whole fearfest began. He's come off as both overly powerful and overly douchy. Since this is the last issue, it's about damn time the man's balls get shoved back into his stomach in a completely no-gay way.

But just throwing themselves at the Serpent like they did before would be fucking stupid. He beat their asses worse than every gay S&M club in San Francisco before so they need a little something extra to guard their tenderized asses again. Enter Iron Man, much more sober and wielding his own Asgardian weapons courtesy of Odin's forge. Since it worked so well for the Serpent when he passed out his magical hammers, why shouldn't it work for the other side? Yeah, he's basically ripping the Serpent's idea off, but villains have been doing that shit to heroes for years. It's about damn time someone turned it back on them!

The Serpent remains unthreatened. He still has a hard-on for his brother in a completely non-incest sort of way. He's spent the last six issues trying to call Odin out so that he can take on the role that Odin won so unfairly. Never mind that he has to fill the world with destruction and fear. When it comes to sibling rivalries, pretty much anything is fair game. Sadly, I can see how this would happen between myself and my own siblings if we were gods. If we get pissed enough, then of course you're not going to care about unleashing unholy terror all over the world. It's your siblings fault for being such a douche!

It's heroes vs. god-powered supervillains. It's the kind of brawl you could put on pay-per-view, charge an exceedingly unreasonable fee, and still get plenty of people to watch. Yet at the same time, there's a distinctly human element that doesn't go unnoticed. While this super-powered brawl is going on, the people of Braxton are huddling together just hoping this shit ends before they tear the whole fucking world one too many assholes. Now these are not the kind of people that look good in spandex. These are normal people who most comic fans won't jerk off to. They look like real people, the kind you see driving by at rush hour or the kind you buy pot from. They all start getting sick of being so scared because let's face it, at some point you run out of ways to shit your pants.

Now this is one of the elements that makes Fear Itself so great. It takes time to focus on the effects these massive hero mash-ups have on real people. It's an element that often goes unnoticed in comics. There are ordinary people that actually live in the Marvel universe and their story often gets lost. So I'm glad Fear Itself has taken time to explore that element and not just rely on the senseless destruction, as awesome as that may be.

But if you're already bored by the added human element, you either have ADD or just care about watching superheros fight giant dragons. Now I won't criticize your tastes or lack thereof, but you're in luck! Thor, who has been in the thick of the battle for the past few issues, ends up fighting the Serpent in said dragon-like form. He already beat the shit out of Thor while looking like handsome body double for George Clooney. Why not do it as a real actual serpent? It sounds more practical than it really is, but it makes for some kick-ass visuals and it shows Thor doing what Odin was too chicken shit to do.

During this fight, Thor's hammer literally comes to Captain America's aid. Keep in mind Thor isn't using his hammer. He's using the Odinsword that was given to him in the last issue, once again revealing that Odin has a hell of an ego even for a god because he has to name all his shit after him. In addition, that ordinary guy that reminded the readers that Fear Itself affected real people shows up. While he may look like George Costanza from Sienfeld, he shows more balls than most readers ever will and helps Cap up. It's a great moment that shows the bystanders of the Marvel universe aren't just a bunch of cowardly pussies. They can actually be of help. Inspired by their ballsiness, Captain America takes on Thor's hammer and quickly finds out that it's way more effective than a gun.

What follows next are the kinds of fight scene spreads that makes Marvel fans jizz in their pants. We don't just get gods fighting mortals armed with godly weapons. We also get Sin and her Nazi robots. Because you just can't have a battle like this without Nazi robots! It has every heavy hitter in the Marvel universe taking a stab at the Serpent's forces. Unlike last time, he can't just brush them off the same way Brad Pitt brushes off the panties countless women throw at him. It's over-the-top, it's excessive, and it's very basic. Yet it's still amazingly awesome. That's really all you can say about it.

In the midst of this battle some remarkable changes begin to take place. While Earth's Mightiest Heroes are fighting back against the Serpent, Earth's not-so-mighty heroes are doing their part. We start seeing broadcasts of rescues and stories that are won't make the average joe shit themselves. Why is this important? Well aside from it being part of that human element I mentioned earlier, the event is called Fear Itself, remember? The reason the Serpent is so damn strong is because he feeds on fear. Well when people stop feeling that fear, those massive balls of his start to shrivel.

Now all those Agardian-powered assholes start getting served parts of their own asses for a change. It doesn't just come from nowhere. There's actually a sense that there is a turning point, which can often go overlooked in a big event like this. I admit I expected Matt Fraction to gloss over smaller details like this. He has a track record of doing so in other comics, but he avoided it here. For that I applaud him. It's the little things that separate good comics from the truly awesome comics that rob me of my hard earned money and soils so many perfectly good pairs of underwear. But it's worth it!

So the Serpent is finally weakening, the heroes and non-heroes alike are showing some backbone, and Thor is taking on the Serpent with the kind of brazen attitude you would expect of any god. Finally, Odin decides to join in. Given how late it is in the conflict, this just seems random in addition to being a dick move. Seriously, he couldn't have sent his massive armies to stem the tide of this onslaught when it was just getting bad? Wouldn't that have gone a long ways towards alleviating all the fear that drove the Serpent in the first place? Just after it seemed Matt Fraction was putting all those smaller details together, this one just seems off. I tried wrapping my head around it, but I ran out of weed. Odin is simply without excuse here. Given what was just shown on how the fuck with the Serpent, all the action of the past few issues just seems unnecessary because Odin could have helped put a stop to it in the beginning. It's the first time I've seen an egregious inconsistency in Fear Itself. There are any number of ways it could have been spun, but this just feels like it's missing an important detail.

Now I would say it's better late than never that Odin shows up with an army of Asgardian's behind him, but this is one instance where that's just pure bullshit. Because as soon as Odin gives the order, Thor delivers the finishing blow to the Serpent. It's an awesome moment, one that demonstrates Thor's true badassery. He did what his father should've (and definitely could've) done. He drives the Odinsword right between the Serpent's eyes. With the fear dwindling and an army bearing down on him, the Serpent can't shake this shit off. Yet Odin's forces don't even get to fire a single shot. There's being fashionably late and then there's just being late. Even in a comic, being this late is just fucked up.

As the Serpent falls, all his hammer-wielding minions start to fall. Their weapons and their fear-fueled mojo starts to dwindle. Odin helps throw a little dirt on the fire, but the flames are already out. It just seems unnecessary at this point. Even Thor's fellow Asgardians seem to feel pissed that they're so late to the game because they don't arrive in time to help Thor. So now it's not just Odin that's a dick. All of Asgard is a dick because they didn't do shit to help out in this victory. It was all the heroes of Earth, the people, and Thor for giving his father the finger and disobeying him. It adds to the feeling that they really could have done more at an earlier time and made a difference. It was just Odin being an ass and fucking stupid that prevented them.

His price for being such a dick? His son dies. That's right. In striking down the Serpent, Thor dies. I know. I had the same WTF reaction. Thor wasn't wounded. He wasn't hurt. The Serpent didn't even say he was going to take his ass with him to the end. Yet somehow he just dies in the spectacle? For a series that has been so solid and adding method to the madness, it's not so much a shocker as it is a "Really? They actually did this?" moment. Just as Odin's final entry into the battle, this just seems so needless. There's no reason for this to happen aside from forcing some emotion into the story that really wasn't necessary. It feels as though plenty more could have been done if Thor was still alive. Instead he's just killed to prove once again that Odin was a massive dick-cheese, as if we needed any more reasons in this story.

Now a death in an event like this isn't completely uncalled for. Hell, they killed Bucky (again) earlier in the story. At least his death did have some merit to it. His death led Steve Rogers to become Captain America again. And he was actually wounded before he died. Here Thor is fighting the Serpent one moment and is dead the next. Marvel has handled deaths poorly before. While this isn't as egregious as they way they killed Jean Grey, it's still pretty lame. It takes what has been a truly awesome story and just makes it an "Aw! So close!" type moment. Very disappointing. Excuse me while I take a quick shot of vodka.

So the war that Odin had no excuse in letting get out of hand is over. In the ruins the Avengers prepare a funeral pyre for Thor. The emotions here are somewhat light, but I suppose the characters are just as jaded about the death as I am. Odin, in one last act of douche-baggery, isn't even present at his son's funeral. He's still standing over the body of the Serpent. So rather than stick around and apologize to everyone for allowing their world to be fucked six-thousand ways till next April, he takes the Serpent back to Asgard space and then seals it off. This not only strands the rest of the Asgardians back on Earth, it ensures that the Serpent is trapped. It's not a complete dick move, but if you don't think Odin is a complete ass after this what more does he have to do? Strangle a puppy?

So the funeral commences. We also get a shot of Buckey's funeral as well. Like Thor's death, it's somewhat glossed over. Iron Man also returns the weapons he made, which really doesn't seem to make sense because I have a hard time imagining that those wouldn't come in handy. On the plus side he does manage to fix Captain America's shield, albeit with a Liberty Bell style crack. It's not much, but it shows that this event will have more marks than just needless death. Captain America offers a nice speech to the Avengers and the rest of the world. It's your standard "Let's work together and repair" deal. Seeing as how it's only a matter of time before the world is attacked again, it seems rather redundant. That or the sense of needless deaths just further rob it from it's impact.

We do get one last shot of the George Costanza wannabe, the everyman that seems to represent the human touch of Fear Itself. He helps reinforce that element by offering help to other neighbors that are rebuilding. It's a nice touch that doesn't completely gloss over the deadpanned feeling of the ending. But it still works and it leads to a nice ending scene.

Now after the official end, there are some nice epilogues that cover characters like Sin and Hulk. However, they're really not all that important to how Fear Itself ends so I won't go over them. All they really do is just tie up some loose ends that really didn't need to be tied up in this issue. While it does make the issue feel bigger than it already is, the ending still falls flat. Given how amazing Fear Itself has been up to this final issue, it's a real let-down. It makes me feel like I need another drink, but then again I would probably feel that way no matter how it ended.

Now that this obscenely hyped event is over, I'm left with mixed feelings. I've enjoyed Fear Itself a great deal. It's been a wildly entertaining if not overly basic Marvel event. It doesn't have the same political undertones as Civil War or the same social undertones as Second Coming. Yet it succeeds in creating a vast, complex, coherent battle between the heroes of Marvel and a new villain. The build-up to Fear Itself was great. It followed the events of Siege and the story of Sin. However, the ending comes off as flat. While it feels complete, it also feels light on substance. We don't see at what point the fear stops gripping the people that have been fueling the Serpent. We really don't get a sense of why Odin no longer cares to let the Serpent butcher everyone on Earth. It feels as though he could have confronted the Serpent earlier and not a whole lot was done to change his mind. There was no method to his god-like madness. So when the Serpent is defeated it makes it seem as though this event was longer than it needed to be.

What really hurts this ending is the way in which it killed Thor. Now I know Marvel has made killing major characters a huge selling point for years now. They killed Johnny Storm. They killed Ultimate Peter Parker. It hasn't been the first time that Thor has gone KIA, but the way he died in this story just felt too flat. It was the same problem for Bucky. It wasn't completely callous, but it just felt hallow in the end. I'm not arguing that Thor shouldn't have died. I just think it could have been given more impact. It feels like cheap vodka that only gets you partially drunk while tasting bitter. The death doesn't completely kill the issue or the ending, but it certainly doesn't help either. Regardless of whether or not this death sticks, it is still lacking as an honorable comic book death should. We can make all the jokes we want about comic characters dying and coming back, but the key is and always has been the story surrounding those characters. It doesn't matter if they're killed or revived. If they story lacks impact, it really doesn't matter.

That's not to say this isn't a good comic. The battle between the Serpent and Marvel's massive legion of heroes was a sight to behold. Matt Fraction did a great job making this issue and all of Fear Itself the spectacle it was meant to be. The dialog is solid. He avoids writing anything that can be made into a bad internet meme, but nothing really sticks out either. The sheer breadth of the events and the story as a whole was very nicely done. Fear Itself really feels like a story that involved the entire Marvel universe. And getting ordinary people involved was a nice personal touch.

I was ready to christen Fear Itself the best Marvel event of the last decade. I was ready to make that bold claim and tattoo it on my forehead. Unfortunately, it looks like I'll have to cancel my appointment with the barber and the tattoo artist. Fear Itself is great both in the beginning and for much of the middle, but the end just falls flat. It's not a complete disappointment, but it's not a case study in comic book awesome either. It is what it is, a half-full bottle of booze that won't get you completely high but will still get you plenty of buzz. I give Fear Itself #7 a 3 out of 5. I would give the whole series a 3.5 or 4 out of 5 depending on how drunk I am. Marvel did a great job with this story, but like Tony Romo in the clutch it fell short in the big game. It's still an awesome series and I would recommend it to anyone as a starting point if you're just getting into Marvel comics. In terms of events, let's just say I'm already looking forward to the next overhyped story that Marvel has in their back pocket. Nuff said!

Fear Itself #6 - Awesome Grows Balls

Do you know what I fear? You know, besides running out of booze and weed? I fear a comic book series that has been so awesome turning to shit. When a comic series has been so awesome, few things are more tragic than seeing it take a gut-wrenching decline. It's more painful than watching a full season of the Jersey Shore. It's happened before. Ultimate Marvel is the poster boy for diving head first into a river of shit, setting itself on fire, and then pissing itself out into a smoldering heap of suck so bad that it would turn a black hole inside out. For a story as big as Fear Itself, the potential for that kind of downfall is definitely there. It hasn't happened yet, but it has only a few issues left with which to avoid this fate.

As much as I fear comics turning to shit, I love it when they surprise me with their awesome. I admit that I wasn't all that excited about Fear Itself when I first heard about it. That or my dealer just sold me some shitty ecstasy. But I gave it a chance because I haven't read a genuinely awesome Marvel event since Civil War. So far, it's delivered in ways you could only match with a Russian mail-order bride that's into S&M. It has a basic foundation, but on top of it Matt Fraction has build a solid pillar of awesome that affects characters from all across the Marvel Universe. The Serpent, Odin, Asgard, and all the godly elements that make Christian conservatives shit themselves is wonderfully balanced. There's a lot of action, but just enough heart. So with Fear Itself #6 being the penultimate issue, I'm excited and anxious to see how it pans out.

Fear Itself #5 defined itself as a knock-down, dragged out bar fight in which the beer was spiked with PCP. It had Captain American fighting Sin, Thor fighting Hulk and the Serpent, and the rest of the Avengers just looking for something to fight themselves so they wouldn't miss out on the fun. In the midst of this fighting, Odin continues to act like a total douche-bag by hanging humanity out to dry and hiding like a little bitch while his son flexes his god-like balls by taking on the Serpent. It was a pretty brutal issue and one that was a little mindless at times. However, it still worked and left the next issue with plenty to live up to.

At the beginning of Fear Itself #6, the fighting ceases and the Avengers are left scrambling for some Xanax. After taking on the Serpent and his hammer-wielding minions, Thor has taking a greater pounding than President Obama's approval rating. As a god of Asgard, he's supposed to be a heavy hitter. If he's the one falling in battle, then that's a clear sign that the Avengers aren't just fucked. They divinely fucked in ways only possible with god-like powers. Their only chance to save his holy ass it to haul it back to Asgard. You know, the place where Odin is hiding behind like a little bitch. So yeah, that's pretty fucked.

Captain America takes a small group of Avengers that includes Hawkeye and Miss Marvel to Asgard, leaving the rest of the Avengers to stay behind and guard what's left of the world (which ain't much). They arrive in Asgard to see Odin assembling an army of god-like figures. But it's not to liberate Earth from the Serpent. Heavens no, that might actually make him less of a dick. This army is solely to protect Asgard from the Serpent once he's done fucking over Earth. Odin is not pleased with non-Asgardians hauling his son's injured body into his domain. Steve Rogers makes it clear that there are in infinite number of fucks that he does not give. That earns him a holy bitch-slap, but to Odin's credit he does take his son to a place where he can rest. So he cares about his son, but he's still douche-bag.

With Odin making it clear that they're not welcome in Asgard, Captain America leads the rest of the Avengers back to Earth. Once he's back, he goes emo in a way that hasn't been seen on an American patriot since the final episode of 24. He has no faith in Asgard's ability to assist them. Not with Odin being such a tool. He also has no faith in anyone on Earth being able to stop the Serpent. For a guy that didn't surrender to the Nazis, that says a lot. Then again the Nazis just believed they were gods. The Serpent actually is a god. Cap starts musing over how they need to evacuate Earth. It's incredibly fucked up when it's impossible to tell if he's being sarcastic.

While Cap is turning into a walking Anne Rice novel, the Serpent is having what can only be described as an unholy orgasm. He's done such a great job of terrifying the shit out of the world that he has enough power to stick his dick in a black hole just for kicks. He's like Mike The Situation only he's actually as powerful as he believes he is. He talks to Sin about how the end is near and not in the way you hear schizophrenics bitch about when they're off their meds preaching on a street corner. He's actually gained enough fear to begin his assault on Asgard. So remember all those obscenely powerful minions of his that he sent magic hammers to? He basically summons them to his side so they can begin kicking some godly ass.

In the midst of all this gods acting like assholes and heroes acting like whiney bitches, it's easy to forget the personal impact that Fear Itself has had. It isn't just about gods kicking the everloving shit out of each other, although that is a major appeal. The Serpent has been all about scaring the shit out of ordinary people. So what about those ordinary people? Well in the midst of all this fighting, Spider-Man (the one that made a deal with the devil and not the one that got replaced by a fucking 13-year-old) breaks off from the rest of the Avengers to find his Aunt May. He eventually finds her in a crowd of people that is still in the process of shitting their collective pants in fear. But she's able to give him a nice pep talk, reminding him that he has a responsibility to not be a pussy like Odin. He also lies to her face and says that Peter Parker is okay, but I guess that's besides the point.

This kind of scene is like the antithesis of what was so dominant in the last issue. This goes beyond the destruction incurred by all this fighting and strikes at the personal effect that all this fear is having. It isn't just that people are getting their shit destroyed and their cell phones are working. It's more that their greatest fears are essentially ass-fucking them and they don't know how to clench their butts tight enough. So the personal touch works beautifully, especially at this point when the heroes of Earth are catching their collective breath and trying to ignore the pain in their asses from the beating it took.

We return to Asgard where Thor is in the process of healing. Along the way, his father is by his bedside and for the first time in this entire event he isn't acting like a total dick. That's right. Odin actually shows a little compassion here. Never mind that he's the one who threw his son back to Earth where he got his ass kicked. This time he does actually explain himself. He admits that the Serpent is his brother. He's so powerful that even the mighty All-Father couldn't beat him. The best he could do was contain him, but he ended up slaughtering a billion souls in order to do so. Okay, it's a dick move, but it's not like the Serpent wouldn't have fucked them over any worse. So knowing that Thor won't let Earth die, he does probably the second nicest thing he's done yet. He gives Thor his armor and the Odinsword which he used to slay the Serpent before. It's something that sure would have come in handy the first time, but better late than never I guess.

Like the scene with Spider-Man and his Aunt May, this is another solid personal scene that shows Odin not being an asshole. We also get a sense that he's not doing this just because he can. He really does fear the Serpent and he's done his best to protect what he loves, even if it means lying and being a douche. People do strange things for shit they love. Just ask John Hinkley. But most importantly, it gives Thor another reason to defeat the Serpent and it gives him the tools to do so.

It isn't just touching family moments that make up every movie that ever played on the Hallmark channel. We finally get to catch up with Tony Stark as well. Last we left him, he was getting shit-faced drunk as a way of calling Odin out. I'm not sure what the logic is behind it, but last I checked you don't need to have a logical premise to get shit-faced drunk. Somehow Tony's liquor retention made it so Odin let him use his workshop. Once there, Tony did what he did best (after having three-ways with supermodels of course). He built awesome shit that blows other shit up. He's been mixing Asgardian power with Stark technology. It's like mixing ecstasy with meth. It's a lethal combination and you may wake up with your pants around your ankles and a very sore asshole.

The end result is a new arsenal of badass weapons. He's prepared to distribute these weapons to all of Earth's mightiest heroes as they prepare to face the business end of the Serpent's unholy dick. If that weren't badass enough, Iron Man is prepared to throw himself in a vat of liquid uru so that he has the kind of toughness that you only see in Viagra commercials. It's ballsy, but when a fear-fueled god is fucking up your shit throwing yourself into a vat of liquid metal actually makes sense.

Back on Earth, the Serpent has gathered every one of his overly powered minions. Armed with their hammers and the kind of swagger you only see in old MC Hammer music videos, they're prepared to begin their assault on Asgard. So how does Captain America, the Avengers, and the terrified people of the world respond? They gather old rifles, ride up to the ruins of Asgard in pick-up trucks, and prepare to go Alamo on their ass. Yeah, the Alamo didn't end all that well for the Americans, but it's still pretty badass. We're left to assume they would just rather get slaughtered than be scared to death by the Serpent's shit. Again, it sounds irrational, but it makes a lot of sense. It also has Captain America being a badass again after being such a pussy early on. It's a great way to end the issue. Whenever an iconic hero's balls descend a little lower, it's like when a nerd gets a blow-job. It's a beautiful thing.

In every major event, there's a calm before the final battle. The stage has to be set for the big performance at the end and comics are no exception. Whereas the last issue was an orgy of violence with gods engaging in the kind of dick-measuring contests that brought down buildings, this issue had Earth's mightiest heroes picking up the pieces and preparing for a final showdown against the Serpent. In the process, Odin actually comes off as less of a douche-bag. We even get a chance to catch up with Tony Stark, who was pretty much ignored in the last issue. We even get a touch of the more personal elements with Spider-Man catching up with Aunt May. It's the kind of storytelling that nicely balances out the sheer insanity of such an unholy brawl like the one that transpired in Fear Itself #5. Alone they're okay, but together they make a great event even more awesome.

I'm not Buddhist, but I enjoy balance in my comics. I was a little concerned after the last issue that the rest of Fear Itself would be one big slaughter. Like a party at Charlie Sheen's house, there would be no logic to it. However, Matt Fraction was able to weave some personal elements into the story and prepare the Avengers for the big confrontation with the Serpent. As nice as these elements are, they lack details at certain points. We don't find out how Tony's Asgardian weapons will make much a difference against the Serpent. There's some explanation about the history of the Serpent and Odin, but it feels glossed over. There appears to be so much more going on here than, but it isn't fleshed out. Everything else is like a cold bear and a football game. It just works.

With one issue left, I'm very close to calling Fear Itself the kind of success that you can proudly stick your dick in without crying in shame. It's a story full of action and this particular issue gives it some much needed heart. Your eyes won't be gangbanged with unmitigated violence. Instead they'll be slowly teased and gently blown as the story evolves and flows. Now the final showdown is set and if you're not excited about it then you need to cut the beta blockers out of your diet. Fear Itself #6 gets a final score of 4.5 out of 5. Marvel is on the cusp of doing something special and they didn't even need to relaunch their whole fucking library to do it! For that, Fear Itself deserves all the awesome it gets. Nuff said!

Fear Itself #5 - Big Brawls of Awesome

There's an old saying about big comic events. The bigger they are the easier they are to bash. Okay, it's not old. I just pulled it out of my ass while high. That doesn't mean it's wrong though. Whenever Marvel, DC, or anybody who pays a metric fuck-ton of money to marketing firms to hype up a product, it raises expectations so high that the flaws stand out like Snooki in an abstinence convention. You have to have balls of vibranium to hype up an event like Fear Itself, putting that big target on your ass and daring the haters to kick it. Marvel spared no expense in saying this will be the greatest story you can read without the aid of LSD. And for the most part, it's delivered.

I don't hide from it. I was one of Matt Fraction's crazy drunken critics while he was writing Uncanny X-men. I bashed everything from his characterization to those goofy glasses he wears at comic conventions, but I'm willing to take all that and shove it up my own ass for what he's done with Fear Itself. It's the kind of event I haven't seen from Marvel in years. It's big, it's explosive, it's dramatic, it's heartfelt, and above all it's fucking awesome. It has gods fighting superheroes, family secrets fucking up lives, giant Nazi killer robots, and Tony Stark getting shit faced. It basically has all the trademarks of a great Marvel event. It hasn't been perfect. At times, it has been a little mindless and low on depth. However, the sheer scale and impact of the story has more than compensated.

The previous issue of Fear Itself dealt with the death of Bucky Barnes. It was a powerful moment, one that led Steve Rogers to dawn his old Captain America outfit and fight in the name of his fallen friend. It also had Thor returning to the battle after Odin had been a divine sized dick and threw him back to Earth while he cowered from the Serpent, who was terrorizing massive amounts of shit from every bowel on the planet with his army of hammer-wielding minions. And as I previously stated, it had Tony jump off the sobriety wagon and hit the bottle again. That's three big name Avengers stepping up, allowing their superhero balls descend, and take on the Serpent in a battle that was as epic as it was flashy. There was a lot of style and a little bit of substance. I gave that book a high score because of how it came together. Now all that style continues with Fear Itself #5. I've already swallowed many a shit from what I said about Matt Fraction. I'm ready to swallow more and I had a light lunch! So here we go!

Fear Itself #5 skips needless banter and soap-opera bullshit and gets right down to business. By that I mean Thor is going hammer to hammer with Hulk and Thing, two old buddies of his who were air mailed a couple of the Serpents Asgardian hammers and like dip-shits they picked them up. Now they're not just mindless minions of the Serpent. Their mindless minions with god-like power capable of liquifying bones with their pinkie toe. And Thor has to take them both on. Needless to say, Thor gets hammered in ways you can only get in New Orleans during Mardi Gras.

While Thor is getting the kind of hammer treatment that only MC Hammer's bankruptcy lawyers could possibly comprehend, Captain America (keep in mind this is Steve Rogers and not Bucky) is facing off against Sin. The bitch killed his best friend so he's got plenty of incentive to fuck her up. Never mind the fact that she started this shit and is responsible for the Serpent in the first place. Just for killing Bucky, Captain America has plenty or reason to take her on. He skips the speech about how she killed him. He just lets her boast like Charlie Sheen at the bank and goes right after her. It's raw, it's basic, it's a little dumbed down, but it's still awesome.

But not all action need be mindless hammer bashing and revenge killings. Tony Stark got his ass kicked a different way. He picked up a bottle of booze again and went graveling to Odin, who is still hiding away and letting Earth get fucked worse than Bankok tranny on meth. In the last issue, Tony called him out in a very memorable moment that showed Iron Man at his most vulnerable. Odin heeds his call and it's here where Fraction shows some interesting characterization.

Keep in mind that this is a god and a man of science. One uses magic. The other uses machines. The contrast here is striking and it shows in how they carry themselves. Odin scoffs at the need for tools because he has magic. Iron Man scoffs at magic because he has tools. He doesn't ask Odin for help. He doesn't even ask him for a secret weapon. He just asks to use his workshop. That's it. He'll build the shit himself. That's like a guy saying "Fuck your fancy blow-up doll! Give me some silicone, a cow heart, and a car battery and  I'll build one myself!" It's one of the most powerful moments to date for Fear Itself and it sets the stage for a big moment for Tony Stark, hopefully one where he keeps his pants on.

Whereas Tony uses his words to get a message across, Thor still uses a more direct approach. And by direct, I mean he uses a big ass hammer. I can say from experience that a hammer goes a long ways towards winning a debate with someone. For a while, Thing and Hulk get the better of him. But Thor shows that he's more than capable of wounding his friends when he summons his hammer and it goes right through Thing. I'll repeat that. The hammer goes right through Thing like a fucking blast of buckshot to the chest. I don't care how much holy mojo the Serpent shoots into your ass. That kind of shit is hard to heal from. Not content with taking down Thing, Thor goes on the offensive against Hulk. There's no "HULK SMASH" or "HULK STRONGEST THERE IS" bullshit. Thor just lets his hammer shut him up and it's quite a sight to behold.

The battle against Sin and Captain America is also quite a spectacle, but it's somewhat tapered by the fact that Sin just won't shut the hell up. She keeps boasting about how she killed Bucky and how Cap killed her father. Granted, her father was a complete asshole AND a Nazi, but that’s besides the point. Remarkably, Captain America doesn’t seem to bring up how pissed he is that Bucky is dead. In fact, he doesn’t say much either. I don’t know if that’s because Sin keeps talking over him or if he’s getting his ass kicked that much. But this is where a slight problem begins with the book. After having such great dialog with Tony and Odin, he really falls flat here. Maybe it’s because he’s written Iron Man before, but he has to know that Cap actually talks when he’s kicking ass or getting his ass kicked.

It ends up making little difference because while Sin is talking Cap’s ear off, the Serpent shows up. And he’s not a grizzled old man that looks like Christopher Walken without the makeup. He’s actually quite dashing in a way that says nothing about my sexuality. That’s the result of all that yummy fear fueling his power. I can already some phony doctor trying to patent this idea and pay a supermodel in cocaine to sell it on an infomercial. Unlike their money back guarantees, this shit actually works. The Serpent lands next to Sin, proclaims himself to having the biggest most godly balls in the world. He’s basically like Donald Trump, but with slightly more humility and much better hair.

No matter how big his godly balls may be, the rest of the Avengers (at least their second stringers) show up to help Captain America. Unlike the Bush Doctrine, they don’t expect the red, white, and blue to do all the heavy lifting and be an asshole about it. So they all move in to attack the Serpent in what promises to be another epic clash. However, it’s over rather quickly. Not because it’s poorly done or anything. It’s because…well, the Serpent is THAT fucking powerful. He calls Earth’s mightiest heroes children. So with the godly equivalent of giving them the middle finger, he unleashes the kind of power that Kim Jong Ill probably masturbates to every night.

Now this show of force is pretty fucking awesome. However, there is a problem. It doesn’t kill anybody. Now how is that a problem? Well if he’s really that powerful, why the fuck wouldn’t he just wipe out all the heroes like a competent powerful asshole? Stalin didn’t have any powers and he did a damn good job wiping out pricks that annoyed him. It’s an age old flaw that so many comic villains make, but in this case it just seems way too fucked up. Not only that, the Serpent disappears afterwards. He doesn’t even stick around to wave his dick in their face. Again, it’s an old gimmick, but one that really comes off as cheap in an event that has done such a great job of balancing such elements.

Now the issue could have gone downhill from here, but Fraction does make up for it somewhat. While the Serpent is treating the Avengers the same way Colonel Sanders treats chickens, Thor is still battling Hulk. Remember, Thor was getting his ass kicked when this issue began. Well now he’s showing that being cast out by his own father has a way of pissing him off. He doesn’t take him down subtly either. When the time comes to deliver the finishing blow, he reminds readers that he’s the motherfucking god of Thunder and the Serpent could suck it! That last part is implied by the way.

As for the heroes who just got pwned by the Serpent, they wake up from the ashes with remarkably minor injuries. Considering the explosion earlier looked like something from the Akira movie, that's grounds for calling bullshit. What they say is even more shitty. They just walk around, talking about how powerful the Serpent is and how screwed they are. There's really not much drama here. There's no heart in their words. It's quite a change from earlier when Fraction demonstrated that he could write drama into a moment with Odin and Tony Stark. So this is quite a shift and it ends the comic on a bit of a bland note. Nobody's dying. Nobody's seriously wounded. They're just standing around, musing at how fucked they are. Not a good way to end the book, but at least the beginning and middle were decent. It's like a slightly better version of the Matrix trilogy that wasn't fucked up by Keanu.

It's a pretty bleak assessment. Marvel's mightiest heroes came together in their usual Rocky IV moment only to get bitch-slapped by the Serpent's inner Ivan Drago. This issue was heavy on epic battles. Hell, that took up most of the issue. You had Thor vs. Hulk vs. Thing. You had Captain America vs. Sin. You had the Serpent vs. damn near everybody. In the end, the Serpent proved he's the pimp and everyone else are the hos. The Avengers have thrown everything they could possible throw at him and they were brushed off like Tiger Woods's clean cut image. It's a spectacle, plain and simple. It fits the whole plain and simple model that this series has demonstrated since the beginning. That's still a major part of the appeal, but this time that fragile balance between awesome and mindless is somewhat upset.

The problem is the dialog. For the most part, it was decent. Odin's conversation with Iron Man was Matt Fraction at his best. His dialog towards the end was the kind of shit you pay a drunk hobo to say in exchange for a shot of whiskey. It got pretty bland. The Serpent just showed he's got the kind of power that would make Galactus piss his cosmic underwear and the best he gets is Captain America saying "We're going to lose"? The impact is completely glossed over. The sheer weight of the Serpent's power is understated if not in the artwork then certainly within the characters. There are no memorable lines at the end. Nothing ominous is said to soak the panties for the next issue. Everything from the beginning and most of the middle was wonderfully crafted. It was the end that just fell flat and it's a disappointing shift in the momentum of this event.

While the end was pretty weak, it wasn't weak enough to bring down the whole event. I'm not saying it was so poorly done that it warrants dropping the event. If you give up on Fear Itself just because of one weak ending, then you're just being an asshole. But the lack of impact and the underwhelming sentiment of the issue makes me somewhat less excited for the next issue. I'm not foaming at the mouth, punching myself in the kidney's in anticipation for the next issue like I was early on (speaking of which, anybody in the market for a slightly worn out kidney?). I'm still excited to see where Fear Itself goes. But for this issue, I can't be as enthusiastic as I once was. So for Fear Itself #5, I give it a 3.5 out of 5. It's still above average on most levels, but the end is disappointing. It's like a good meal followed by a bad shit. One overly compensates for the other. Nuff said!

Fear Itself #4 - Assembling The Awesome

Four books in and Marvel has managed to keep me hooked like a Bankok transvestite hooked on meth with Fear Itself. I'll be honest. I didn't expect it to be as engaging. Big events involving the Avengers tend to get more convoluted and bloated than the Octomom when she's PMSing. Events like Secret Invasion and Siege have been needlessly complicated to me. They lack coherence. Fear Itself, like it's predecessors, has every other writer and their second cousin doing a spin-off book. However, the main title has kept things unified. You can follow just the main title and not get so lost that you wake up naked in an Amsterdam slum with toothless whore snorting blow off your ass. It's more basic without being too bland or mindless. It's just what Marvel has been missing in an event.

At the same time, the basic nature of Fear Itself has been a source of criticism. It's not unwarranted either. It's a book that has Nazi killer robots. That's as campy as it sounds. Yeah, it ditches the convoluted political undertones of Civil War. But Nazi killer robots? That's the kind of shit you would expect writers in the 60s to come up with during a bad LSD trip. I've still given Fear Itself high marks, but I have my reservations about how deeper this series can go and maintain the quality. So far I've been impressed. I want to keep being impressed. It feels good in a comic. Not as good if it came with a free bag of weed, but I'll settle for Marvel just keeping the damn thing interesting

Fear Itself #3 ended with some powerful moments. The battle against the killer Nazi robots in Washington DC went bad real fast. The Serpent grew his army by giving the wonderful gift of magic hammers to a collection of dangerous, pissed off superhumans who in turn used it to unleash an unholy terror on the entire planet. That terror feeds the Serpent the same way undeserved media attention fuels Charlie Sheen. As Earth's mightiest heroes weaken, the Serpent grows stronger. All the while, Odin is being a divine prick. He's shut off Asgard from Earth and basically insulated himself while all of humanity suffers. He knows what's going on. He knows just how fucked the world is and he's not doing a damn thing about it. He was nice enough to send Thor back with his hammer to help, but he still did it in a way that makes him a god-level dickcheese.

Fear Itself #4 follows this divine dick move. Thor arrives where this shit began in Broxton. This time the locals aren't so generous with their welcome. They no longer give a damn about all the tourism dollars that having Asgard nearby will bring. Thor's buddies have triggered a global fear event and now he's about as welcome as the gay pride parade in Saudi Arabia. Thor just shrugs his shoulders and flies off into the sea of pants-shitting terror that the Serpent has unleashed.

We then get a nice assessment of just how far the Serpents reach has gone. All over the world, the lucky bastards who got a hold of his hammers are having a blast and scaring people to no end. With every pair of pants that are shat, the Serpent grows stronger. It makes for a truly global scale conflict, the kind that should be legally required of every Marvel event. Odin picks up on this as well. He still comes off as a dick, but he also comes off as being genuinely scared of the Serpent. His power is basically terror with the personality of a cranky old man who is sick of having to rely on pills to get a semi anymore. He's basically willing to throw Earth and everyone on it under the bus. I get it. People don't worship Odin anymore or kill in his name, but he still comes off as an asshole. He also offers a pretty cryptic warning. Mankind's faith will basically be crushed. So the Richard Dawkins of the world may finally get their wish.

It's not like the Avengers' spirits aren't already wounded. If you'll recall, Bucky Barnes got roughed up in a way that only every Nazi in the Call of Duty games can relate to. It was a cryptic ending, but it's not so cryptic now. Bucky Barnes died. And this time Marvel didn't polybag it and use it as a lame sales gimmick (see Ultimate Spider-Man for how shitty those gimmicks can be). For this, I'm somewhat relieved. I'm also somewhat curious because if Marvel isn't making a big deal of this that either means Bucky isn't truly dead or they're just undoing the elaborate story that brought him back. Given how Marvel has used death as a gimmick more times than the last ten Friday the 13th movies, it's hard to tell. But it plays into the basic nature of the story.

Iron Man, Fury, Black Widow, and Steve Rogers (the REAL Captain America) all stand over and take a moment to mourn their loss. It's not glossed over. It's not overly emotional either. Black Widow is the only one that cries and why shouldn't she? She was boning the guy. But before Bucky 'died' he did offer the Avengers the first clue. He revealed the Serpent as the main douche-bag behind this global display of douche-baggery. Now the Avengers know who to take their angst out on.

So with Bucky fallen, Steve Rogers ditches the old knock-off costume which might as well have been Captain America lite and dawns his classic look. It only took a few years since he was 'killed' off. Sure, we elected a black president since then, but still it's not among the brain cells I've destroyed. So that lends little credence to Bucky's death. But I'm willing to overlook that because in his old costume, Cap can now assemble Thor and Iron Man as the big three. Since Thor is now back, they know who they're up against and they're ready to start kicking his ass.

Before his asshole can even clench, the Serpent ups the ante. All that delicious fear strengthens him the same way democratic scandals strengthen Ann Coulter's evil. From a simple lake, the Serpent goes out of his way to scar for life some casual fisherman and rise up his own little castle. I say little by god standards because it's probably big enough to get Donald Trump to raise an eyebrow. Just not big enough to make him ditch that stupid hair. It shows that the Serpent has arrived and he's got style with him now. Every other one of his minions feels it and like a kid who was just fed a box of sugar cookies, they're even more hyped up.

The big three each fly off into battle. Thor goes right for the Serpent. Captain America goes after Sin, who was responsible for Bucky's so called 'death.' I'll stop using those goofy quotes when it starts getting believable. They're met with the kind of resistance you would expect. Serpent's forces are playing like the New England Patriots against the Detroit Lions. It's not even close. But their presence does more than just add another body to the crossfire. It inspires everyone to kick more ass. However, it's what Iron Man does that's a bit more curious.

Rather than find the nearest fight and start blowing shit up, Iron Man does something that may or may not be all that productive. He flies out to confront Odin. Now keep in mind that Stark is a man of science. He takes the whole concept of Asgardian gods and magic about as seriously as Paris Hilton takes a lecture on quantum mechanics by Stephen Hawking. He demands to speak to Odin, calling him out in the sense that mankind no longer burns his effigies or worships him. So he decides to make an offering of his own. By offering I mean he chucks a bottle of booze.

Now why is that significant? I know getting drunk solves a great many problems with life, but what good could it possibly do here? Well keep in mind Tony Stark is a recovering alcoholic. In the history of Marvel comics, few people have been made more a jackass by booze than Tony Stark. He seemed to get sober and stay sober. Now he's basically sacrificing that for Odin. It's symbolic, something that adds some complexity to what is admittedly a basic arc. It's a nice touch that revisits a story that hasn't been touched on in a while.

It's not clear what Stark is trying to accomplish. The fights with Captain America and Thor are much more basic. Captain America makes it clear that he's going to take on Sin and she makes it clear that she's ready to kill Captain America a second time if he has to. When Thor confronts the Serpent, he no longer looks like a grizzled old man who just got fired from his Santa Clause gig for being drunk on the job. He actually looks like a dashing young 80s make porn star, complete with a mustache. It shows just how much power he's attained. When Thor confronts him, he drops a few more little secrets. He says that Odin is his brother and he usurped the title of All-Father from him. It presents a rather interesting question. Is Odin really the true All-Father? Or is Serpent? While you're digesting on that, he also claims that Thor is his nephew. Well if Odin is his brother, isn't that a given?

This scene was an opportunity to throw in more mystery or expand on others. It was already known to a point that Serpent was someone who was once in the running for the All Father gig. Then somewhere along the way Odin got the better of him and wasn't very nice about it either. This is where the whole simple approach to Fear Itself falls a little flat. None of this is very ground breaking. It moves the story forward, but it won't shock anyone more than an ant crawling along your toenail. The only intriguing part is how Serpent is so power that he's able to knock Thor around like a pinball with minimal effort.

When he lands, Thor finds himself caught between two of the Serpents hammer-wielding buddies. Both Thing and Hulk got their new Asgardian toys in the past few issues. They haven't really demonstrated them in this title yet (although they have shown up in the spin-offs, but I'm too busy/drunk to review those at the moment). Now the two of them are about to take on Thor and rather than shit his pants like the rest of the world, Thor prepares to take them on. It's hard to tell whether this is the beginning of a new battle or just the middle of the first one. I guess it could be either, but the comic ending here feels a little abrupt. It's not the worst way it could have ended, but like Kim Kardashian's sex tape it leaves plenty to be desired.

After reading this comic, it's worth bringing up it's basic nature once more. It's not a very complicated story. Nor is it full of many twists or turns. The Serpent being related to Thor is somewhat of a twist, but it's nothing too groundbreaking. This being the middle of the story, it's likely some of those revelations are still waiting in the wings. Even if they are, a few hints or even a light tease wouldn't hurt. Readers like me aren't overly demanding. Not every money shot has to be full frontal. A simple nipple slip is more than enough to add some extra intrigue. This issue really didn't have that. It was an oversized brawl with some of Marvel's biggest names. It did offer some dramatics with Steve Rogers dawning his Captain America costume again and Tony Stark falling off the wagon again with alcoholism. But again, it's pretty basic. It's nothing you need to write a college theses on.

It would be easy to criticize Fear Itself for simply being too basic. Some critics and fans have already said this. I could say this, but I won't. That's because Fear Itself isn't pretending to be more than it is. Yeah, Marvel's hyping it up. But they're not trying to polish a pile of shit and call it chocolate pudding. Fear Itself is exactly what it's billed to be, a large-scale battle with the Avengers and the Serpent. That's really all it needs to be and Marvel isn't trying to make it into anything else. So in that sense I can't say the simple nature of the book is a flaw. It's a welcome return to basics that make this one of the most accessible Marvel events in recent memory. Then again, my memory is fucked from years of pot smoking so maybe I'm not the best source for that.

Fear Itself #4 still doesn't offer the same impact as the previous three issues. It's the midpoint so it's going to get a little forgettable at times. The story doesn't necessarily drag, but it doesn't fall flat either. It's still coherent, which in and of itself is an accomplishment. There are no huge revelations that will blow your mind and there aren't any hints at future revelations. That doesn't mean they won't come. However, on it's own this issue simply delivers the core basis of Fear Itself. For that I give Fear Itself #4 a 4 out of 5. It's an awesome addition to an event that has delivered as promise. It's a great time to be a Marvel fan or to get into the mainline universe. Matt Fraction has done something really special here and he deserves all the praise and a few Brazilian hookers on the side. Nuff said!

Fear Itself #3 - Unamerican Awesome

Before I begin this review, let me start by saying I'm still a high after the announcement by DC Comics. There's just something wonderful about news that some of your favorite comics are being relaunched and given day-and-date digital release. It's almost as effective as a line of blow mixed with ecstasy. The prospect of a new era in DC almost overshadows what Marvel is doing using the old publishing methods that the interweb is putting out of business. But whether it's on paper or my new iphone, awesome comics are awesome comics and Fear Itself has been pretty awesome so far.

Marvel will have to put it's fingers in it's ears and sing Lady Gaga songs if they want to stay focused on this story. It is still billed as the biggest event of the year for Marvel and so far it has delivered. In just two issues, the story is doing some far-reaching damage. It's almost like when Tiger Woods admits he's banging a new porn star, but with more explosions. The Serpent, who Odin was kind enough to bury at the bottom of a fucking ocean, is back and he's pissed. In the last issue he triggered a new wave of hammers similar to Thor's to fall from the sky. From there, others such as the Hulk, Juggernaut, and Absorbing man picked them up and became hos while Serpent became their pimp. If that weren't enough, the Red Skull's daughter, Sin, unleashed a full on attack on Washington DC using killer Nazi robots. It's as awesome as it sounds, no more no less.

The last issue was great in that it set the stage for a much bigger battle and then fired the first shots of that battle in the last few pages. Now this issue picks up from that battle, showing Captain America (the non-Steve Rogers version) leading the Avengers into battle. You might call it a bit cliched. Captain America fighting Nazi killer robots and the daughter of his greatest enemy sounds like a story that's been done before. It doesn't make the battle any less intense. There's plenty of room for terrified civilians to run around shitting their pants. That whole fear concept doesn't really seem to play out any different than it would if this story was just called Giant Nazi Robots and Pissed Off Gods. It's just what you want it to be and that's it.

The fight takes on a more personal touch with Cap (again, the non-Steve Rogers version) and Sin. They're basically legacies trying to finish what their predecessor's couldn't. Bucky has the advantage of the courage, training, and shield of Steve Rogers. However, Sin has the full power of the Serpent behind her. That's like bringing the Death Star to a knife fight. When they clash, it's not too surprising who hits harder. Bucky still fights admirably, but he might as well be fighting with a fly swatter.

While the world is getting fucked ten ways past the red light district in Amsterdam, Thor is in the slammer after he dared to question the firmness of his father's balls. The god of thunder is now the god of time-out. But he's not the only one who thinks Odin's balls have gotten too jagged for the cheap underwear he buys. Loki of all people uses one of this classic steaks-laced-with-sedative trick to knock the guards out. I used that same trick to get out of a few college exams with my professors. So I like Loki's tastes, although as the god of mischief I expect more from him. For some reason he has a problem with Odin taking a flamethrower to Earth. He probably doesn't want to lose all the people he loves to fuck with so much so he tells Thor that something has to be done and for once bullshitting him (or so it seems).

If family issues bore you more than a 7:00 am Economics class, a battle between Hulks tends to keep you awake. In the last issue, Bruce and Betty were working on their marriage and their anger issues that caused them to become raging monsters (not unlike me and my ex-girlfriend). Then Bruce became one of the Serpent's mindless minions, which is a little oxymoronic because Hulk was pretty mindless to begin with. So Red She-Hulk has to play hero for once and save people from her hubby's rampage. This is quite a change for anyone who has read her in the ongoing Hulks book where her sole desire is to have fun, look hot doing it, and force men to find creative ways to hide their boners. I've yet to discover one myself, but then I stopped hiding boners when I realized it kept me from pissing myself when I'm drunk.

Instead of channeling her inner Tanya Harding, Betty summons Tina Turner and tries to get through to Bruce. For a moment it looks like she's successful. It's a powerful moment because this is the first time someone seems to have resisted the Serpent's control. The hoes are trying to beat back the pimp. It's short lived though because the Avengers arrive and start attacking him. It's not shown how effective it is, but it shows that the Avengers can also have some piss poor timing.

This battle offers a nice variation from the beat-em-up that's been unfolding for most of the book. Betty and Bruce's relationship has been pretty rocky in the Hulk books. It's not clear when in the timeline this takes place, but then again the timeline in all comic continuity is so fucked that there are more holes than dicks to stick in them. So whenever it happens, it still offers a nice insight into Bruce and Betty's relationship. Their roles are reversed in that Betty now has to try and tame Hulk instead of obsessing over how hot she looks.

While some are trying to fight the Serpents growing army of superpowered hos, others are trying to study it. In New York City, Reed Richards and his FF (not the Fantastic Four anymore since Johnny bit the big one) are analyzing one of the unclaimed hammers. Now it's worth remembering that this guy is supposed to be one of the smartest men in the Marvel universe. He probably knows that everyone who picked up one of these hammers became a rampaging asshole. So when he suggests that Thing try and move it, it ranks right up there with the spiked dildo as the worst idea ever. The moment Thing grabs it, he joins Serpent's army. When he starts laying waste to New York City, it's hard to be surprised. I'm not saying Reed should be smarter than this, but seriously. George W. Bush would have given that plan more thought.

Thing's predicament sucks, now the victim of Reed's stupidity. Just as Thor's predicament sucks, having been a victim of Odin's douche-baggery. Having been sprung from his time out, he joins with Sif and his Asgardian buddies to figure out their next move. They all seem to agree that Odin is being a holy caliber dick. They also seem to agree that they're shit out of ideas. Before they can even brainstorm anything, Odin shows up. If they actually thought they could keep Thor's escape from the All-Father, then they might as well have shot themselves in the ass to begin with. It would have been just as productive.

Odin tries to make excuses. He uses the same tricks that child abusers, wife beaters, and OJ Simpson use. He claims that he's protecting Asgard and his children from a prophecy. He doesn't go into details, but at least he's making an effort to not be a massive tool. The Serpent genuinely scares the shit out of him and his son doesn't seem to understand that. Odin must be smart enough to realize that rationalizing with punk kids is like trying to take a shit upside down. It's bound to get messy. So when Thor refuses to stand by while Earth suffers, Odin essentially throws his hands up and casts Thor back to Earth with his hammer. It's not sure if he's just teaching him a lesson or giving up. Either way, it's putting Thor back into play.

It's another break from the action in that it highlights the family drama between Odin and Thor. In a way, Odin is in a no-win situation. He knows he can't convince Thor to see things his way. He doesn't understand and maybe he can't. So rather than fight him or punish him, he throws him back into the destruction on Earth. It could be a lesson or it could be a shitty parenting move. Either way, it's divine mix of family conflict that has helped give Fear Itself a personal touch.

Thor's return is probably necessary because pretty much everyone is getting their asses handed to them on an Asgardian platter. In Washington DC where Sin is parading around like an Asgardian hooker, she bloodied Bucky to a point where he looks like a kid who just suffered an atomic wedgie. Black Widow and Falcon try to be the voice of reason, saying that maybe evacuating and regrouping would be a good idea. That doesn't fly with Bucky. Unlike Steve Rogers, he's more balls than tactician. As far as he's concerned, retreating from Washington DC is like admitting your dick is too short. He's too proud for that.

He puts up his best fight. Against the daughter of the Red Skull armed with Asgardian mojo, he might as well be trying perform open heart surgery with a spoon. Sin is too pissed to let that old American spirit from Captain America bring her down. The constitution is no match for an Asgardian hammer. She lays into him with a light show that even Chris Angel may admire if he could stop banging Las Vegas hookers for more than ten minutes. Sin doesn't just bloody Bucky. She rips one of his fucking arms off. I'll repeat that. She rips a fucking arm off! Granted, it's a mechanical arm. It's still pretty bloody. It would be even more powerful if he put up more of a fight, but it's one of the few scenes in this issue that leaves a decent impact.

Now having your arm ripped off will definitely fuck up your day. Bucky is in bad shape. The American spirit can do a lot, but it can't heal you when you get your arm ripped off. All the democracy in the world won't take the place of a skilled ER surgeon. The only positive here is that now Bucky knows who they're dealing with. It seems like a lot of discomfort to endure just to find out who's fucking the world over. He end scene implies that he's dying. That's not too surprising given the beating he took. But then again, this isn't Steve Rogers. This is Bucky. He's been dead before and dead quite extensively. The image of him dying really doesn't hold much weight. Nor does simply knowing who they're up against. The readers already know that. It seems like there's not much point to this scene other than to show Bucky looking like someone who forgot to pay his cocaine dealer. It makes the situation a lot more dire. It's presented in an awesome way, but it's not going to blow your mind. Even snorting the ink fumes only goes so far.

It's a pretty dramatic ending. It doesn't feel quite as dramatic as it should though. Not long ago, Bucky Barnes was in the same league as Spider-Man's Uncle Ben as dead characters who would not be brought back. He was part of the anti-Jean Grey crowd. Well when he came back, it was quite a spectacle. That's part of what made it awesome. So when he gets his ass kicked and it looks like he's going to die, it doesn't hit with the same impact as one would expect. So Bucky is bloodied and battered. If he dies, well then he was dead for a long time anyways. If he doesn't, well that's okay too because he beat the odds. I'm not saying that it's a bad idea, but it does feel a little underhanded.

The other major battles don't do much in that they basically just showcase Serpents destruction. It makes for some great battle scenes, but not much progression in the story. The battle against Hulk had a nice personal touch with Betty. And having Thing become a new ho for Seprent's army of superpowered hos added yet another battle to the conflict, which is always a plus. Odin was still a dick to Thor and pretty much everyone else in Asgard. Not sure if that's a plus, but at least he's getting Thor back into the action hammer and all. Between all the hammers showing up in this story it feels like a big advertisement for MC Hammers comeback tour.

This issue had plenty of action. However, it lacked the impact of the previous issue. At the end of the last issue we saw this cloud of fear engulfing the entire world. In this issue that cloud didn't seem to do damn near anything. It looked as though the battle would have unfolded in pretty much the same way. What happened in the previous book didn't seem to affect this book all that much. Even if the fight scenes were nicely developed, their impact was limited. It's the first time in this Fear Itself story that I finished a book feeling underwhelmed. It's not bad, but I'm not grinding it up and snorting it with meth.

Fear Itself #3 continued the story, but not a whole lot. It set the stage for some interesting conflicts. It definitely makes the next issue worth picking up, but you may find yourself less excited than before. In that sense it does fall a bit short and I can't start making comparisons to boobs like I do when I'm high on a series. So for Fear Itself #3, I give it a 4 out of 5. You'll get everything you want, but nothing more. There's no bonus here. There's just a solid story that moves things along. It could be worse, but it could be a lot better as well. For an event like this the standards are a lot higher. There are still plenty of issues for Fear Itself to spray brain matter on the walls of every comic shop before DC's deal starts closing them. So for that it's still worth getting excited about. To pass the time, there's always DC's ongoing Flashpoint event. Nuff said!