Iron Man 3: A Threequel That Doesn't Suck!

The end of a movie trilogy has always been looked upon in the same way a fly looks at a piece of cow shit. You know one is going to be drawn to the other. You can't avoid it. The best you can do is hold your nose and hope that the fumes don't incur too much brain damage. Some call it the Godfather 3 syndrome. I call it overpaid movie types spending too much money on blow and not enough on making sure the damn story actually works. I'm not against Hollywood types doing blow. Hell, TMZ would go out of business if it stopped. But there's a little something us functioning crack heads called moderation and it pays off if you're not a complete fucking retard.

That brings us to Iron Man 3, the first movie in Marvel's Phase Two segment of its movies and the last in the trilogy that kicked off Phase One. Iron Man was in many ways the movie that set the standard for Marvel movies. It didn't just turn Robert Downey Jr. from a recovering coke head to a massive superstar. It showed that comic book movies can be both awesome, profitable, and entertaining. It did for Marvel what the internet did for porn. It created an exciting new medium for awesome that soaked the panties of a generation of comic fans.

Yet it's because these movies were so good that the third sequel was in great danger of burning out. When the bar is raised so high, it's only natural that someone ends up hitting their or flat out choking to death (see X3). Even when they don't choke, threequels can be so sub-par that they can taint the whole trilogy (again, see X3). So the stakes for Iron Man 3 couldn't be higher. But I'm both happy and drunk to report that this is not the case.

That's right. It was all uphill from here.

It's true. Iron Man 3 is awesome. Yes, it is a threequel and it's awesome. Praise Odin, Galactus, and whatever crazy deity those blue cat people worshiped on Avatar. For once, Hollywood didn't fuck up a threequel. I would not have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes while semi-sober. But it's true. Iron Man 3 actually succeeded where X3, Superman 3, Spider-Man 3, and Godfather 3 failed. It's basically Marvel Studio's way of saying "Suck it, Fox!"

Let's start with the premise. Iron Man 3 took one of the most recognizable Iron Man villains, the Mandarin, and one of the best Iron Man stories from the comics, Extremis, as source material. That would be like X3 using Apocalypse and NOT fucking up the Phoenix Saga. But it's not just the source material that is rich in awesome. The events of Avengers have left an indelible mark on Tony Stark. Apparently, flying a nuclear bomb into a wormhole has a way of fucking some people up. He's basically a wreck now, suffering from the same post traumatic stress disorder that most anyone would suffer from if they went through something so fucked up. He can't sleep. He's drowning himself in work. And he's doing a shitty job of keeping his girlfriend/partner, Pepper Potts, happy. Then again, I guess when you're Gweneth Paltrow and you're the most hated, pompous celebrity in Hollywood, that's not much of a stretch.

But the world after the events of Avengers has also been fucked up. I mean what do you do when you've been invaded by aliens and gods? Well one organization seems to know what to do. You fucking profit from that shit! It's insane how realistic that sounds, but that's exactly what the Advanced Idea Mechanics, or AIM as any self-respecting Marvel fan would know, plan to do. And that's where the Mandarin comes in. He's basically Bin Ladin, Khadafi, and Kim Jong Ill with better sunglasses and a beard. He also may be one of the most racist character you'll ever come across in the comics, but he's basically this evil guy with an Asian-sounding name who wants to destroy America. Why? Because fuck America, that's why! That's what it pretty much boils down to in the comics.

Yep. Nothing raised about this.

But it's worth noting here that the movie does something unique with the Mandarin that helps soften the blow to anyone inclined to bitch about racism. I won't give it away, but I will say that it establishes a sense of theatricality in the movie. I'm not talking about M. Night Shyamalan twists here. If you're hoping for a twist that's going to blow your fucking mind, go back to hoping for Batman fans to forgive Joel Shumacher because it's not going to happen.

Throughout Iron Man 3, nothing is quite as it seems. It's hard to tell just what forces are at work at times, but unlike other movies that try to throw too many curve-balls that end up missing the plate and hitting the batter in the balls, those forces do get revealed. It helps create a bigger picture throughout the movie that actually sends a message that doesn't just involve the benefits of sending high tech robots to kill other high tech robots. It gives the sense that the world within the world is an act. People will manipulate the fears and outrage of the masses to accomplish a goal. Even when that goal is as basic as making money, the sheer breadth of it speaks to the depths of both greed and the need for control.

This is where AIM comes in. They are, in many ways, the ultimate villain of the modern era. They are not some blood-thirsty foreign army or some rogue terrorist group. It isn't enough for them to just make fancy shit that they can sell to people that are eager to blow shit up. They need to control both the supply and the demand of war. That's where Aldrich Killian and Maya Hansen come in. Aldrich is the leader of AIM and Maya is a chick Tony boned in the past who came up with Extremis, proving once again that most of the evil in the world can be traced back to ex-girlfriends. They seek to use Extremis, a bold new drug that started simply as a means of enhancing the human body and helping wounded war veterans heal, as the ultimate weapon of war. It's devious, but not unrealistic. You have to think that the guys at Fox News and the Vatican have entertained some plans like this at one point.

It all comes back to Tony Stark, but in this movie he can't just beat this threat by making a better Iron Man. In fact, for most of this movie he's either not in his Iron Man suit or he's using a suit that has been badly damaged. Early on in the movie, his instability and his arrogance get the better of him. His house blows up. His girlfriend gets abducted. Jarvis goes off line. And he's basically stuck in some random town in the middle of Tennessee (the part without Elvis impersonators) trying to piece everything together. He essentially has to rebuild himself and not just Iron Man. And that's part of what makes the story itself compelling. He's a badly wounded guy with serious anxiety issues trying t pull himself together. All the while, he's still the same lovable prick. Only a guy like Robert Downy Jr. can pull that shit off and make it so entertaining.

In the end, this battle comes to a very definitive and very satisfying conclusion. It's made clear that the suit is not the only thing that makes Iron Man who he is. Tony Stark and Iron Man are one in the same. Take away the suit and the house and he's still Iron Man. Stick him in the middle of nowhere and force him to team up with some random kid and he's still Iron Man. Take away that glowing chest plate and he's still Iron man. That's the main message of this movie and it delivers that message perfectly.

You'll never be this awesome. Ever.

That's not to say the movie is without flaws. Unlike Iron Man 2, you won't see Black Widow or Nick Fury showing up. There's no teaser either about new Marvel characters entering the movie universe. Everything is strictly Iron Man here. Even the after-credits teaser offers no insight. In addition, it can come off as a bit convoluted at times. But again, it doesn't force you to ignore the finer details like a Dark Knight Rises would.

Overall, nobody is going to put Iron Man 3 above Avengers. It's just not as epic. It can't be as epic by default. But if ever there was a template with which to effectively close out a trilogy, this would be it. This movie gets to the essence of who Iron Man is and doesn't try to do anything overly radical with it. It just takes some of the best elements that make Iron Man who he is and runs with it. For that, I give Iron Man 3 an emphatic 5 out of 4.5. It's a satisfying movie to complete a satisfying trilogy. It may not make you think Gweneth Paltrow is any less annoying, but it will make you love Robert Downy Jr. and it will make you love Iron Man. Now excuse me while I go give the finger to every other threequal that sucked. Nuff said!

Iron Man 3 Trailer (With Plenty of Backup)

We're getting close to that time of year again, my fellow fanboy! It's that time when the weather isn't trying to freeze your nuts off on a daily basis and the cocaine-fueled orgy that is Hollywood prepares to corrupt America's youth with more senseless entertainment. As one of those proud youths, I say corrupt away motherfucker!

It has become routine for the summer movie season to be ushered in by a big name comic book movie. Last year we had the Avengers and fuck, you can't get much bigger than that. This year we have the end of yet another comic book movie trilogy and hopefully it's less X3 and more Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

I'm talking about Iron Man 3, the first Marvel movie to take place after the events of the Avengers. We already know Tony Stark is more fucked up than his alcoholism can cope with. We've had plenty of time to digest the earlier previews that show shit blowing up and the Mandarin trying his best to make audiences forget that it's a white guy playing an Asian character. But today Marvel has released a more detailed trailer that offers some additional insight that can be best summed up in one word...backup!

Iron Man was the first Marvel movie to usher in the era of the Marvel movieverse. It set the tone for a long streak of awesome that would eventually culminate in Avengers. But Marvel says that shit was only Phase 1. This is Phase 2 bitches! And Phase II requires more than just one guy in an Iron Man suit for reasons that are too awesome for any trailer. While I'm not the most patient drunk in the world, I understand that awesome shit is worth waiting for. But still, May 3rd better hurry the fuck up and get here! Nuff said!

Iron Man 3 Superbowl Trailer - Rich People Troubles

You know you got too drunk watching the Superbowl when you wake up hung over on your bed spooning your laptop with a porno still playing. Between oversized men beating the shit out of each other and hot women dancing on a stage, there are few things more American than the Superbowl. Hell, it's the only time of year when you don't skip the commercials because you might actually find one that's entertaining. Because most major companies these days can't be bothered to put in the effort during the other 364 days of the year.

But among all the colorful commercials of stupid white men, clever animals, and overt sexual innuendo there are a few other gems, namely movie trailers. Because what better way than to spread the word about a movie you've been hyping up for over a year than to pay TV stations obscene amounts of money to show a trailer that most people would just as easily watch on Youtube? I don't get it either, but I guess that's why I'm not in advertising. My only ideas would be putting ads on beer bottles to entice already gullible drunks. But Marvel seems to be saving that as a last resort, it seems, because during the Superbowl they showed yet another trailer of Iron Man 3. And in case you were too drunk like me to remember or too busy jerking off to Beyonce, here it is.

We don't really learn much more than we already know. Apparently, Tony Stark is overly traumatized by the shit that happened in Avengers and like a typical rich douche and part time superhero he manages to make it a serious fucking problem. Don't get me wrong. I'll be standing in line to see this movie with Iron Man cos-players and sneaking in a six pack like every other self-respecting Marvel comics fanboy. But I can't feel too compassionate about a guy going through personal issues when he has billions of dollars to fall back on. That or I'm still bitter about him being the asshole who thought that shooting the Phoenix Force with a big ass gun in Avengers vs. X-men was a good idea.

Whatever the case, it's going to be a big fucking deal when this movie comes out. If for no other reason, it's big because it's the first Marvel movie to take place after Avengers. And if a rich douche like Tony Stark is going to get shell shocked in a way that Shwarma can't fix, what hope do the other Avengers have? Nuff said!

Iron Man 2 Review - Solid Awesome

Well I went to a late night showing of Iron Man 2 amidst a crowded theater and a line that stretched out the doors. But this was one of those movie events you just have to see because it radiates awesome on so many levels. Now it's a common theme for movie sequels to be a big deal, especially ones coming off the heels of a first movie that was so successful. Many times they can fizzle out, coming off as so contrived it feels like the producers just took some bums off the street, gave them a case of tequila laced with LSD, and had them hammer out a plot that the studio could slap together with some flashy gimmicks to make more money. Iron Man 2 doesn't have that problem. It feels like someone put more work into it than your standard sequel. It was going to make money no matter how good it was, but it's comforting when it's good enough to warrant this title as an awesome successor.

Iron Man 2 picks up about six months from where the first movie left off. In that time Tony Stark has revealed to the world that he is Iron Man and since then, he's been using his suit to trot around the world blowing shit up and making peace with an iron fist. Most people know this line from the previews.

"I have successfully privatized world peace."

That's not an bullshit statement. He's effectively cut out the middle man when it comes to peace making, namely the government. As such, he's got no bureaucrats up his ass telling him where and when he can kick ass. Of course, the government doesn't like that. Congress led by Senator Gary Shandling accuse him of making them look bad (as if that's hard for anyone who has ever had to go to the DMV) and demands he give the Iron Man suit to the military. Of course he says no and this opens up one of the major themes to the movies.

From the beginning Robert Downy Jr. plays up all of Tony Stark's charming personality and by charming that also implies his douchebag tenancies. He really gives a sense that Tony Stark may not be privatizing peace just because it's the right thing to do. It often comes off as an ego trip, a guy trying to carve a legacy for himself because he didn't like the one he had in the last movie. It does come off as selfish and altruistic at the same time and few actors could pull that kind of thing off. Downy does it as easily as a line of cocaine and it makes for great movie magic.

Downy's brilliance is well complimented by the awesome sexiness that is Scarlett Johansson. She takes on the role of a "Legal Assistant" who helps Tony in transferring the role of CEO to Pepper Pots. Of course, she's too hot for that shit. She's really a badass secret agent named Natasha Romanov, aka the Black Widow, working for Nick Fury (played by the super cool Sam Jackson) and SHIELD. Her job, other than looking hot, seems to be tempting Tony Stark's piss poor will-power and giving him some lousy advice about what to do if he's dying. She also analyzes him for his potential role in the Avengers initiative (hinting at yet another movie down the road), which is less than stellar. She eventually joins in the ass-kicking, looking super skilled and super hot in the process. Some of the things she can do with her legs are deadly, but seriously you might just envy the men who died like that because what better place to leave this world than between Scarlet Johansson's thighs? Not a bad way to go out.

This is also where Ivan Danko, aka Whiplash, comes in. Ivan, who is wonderfully portrayed by Mickey Rourke, sees through Tony's charm. He's one of those villains who naive viewers think he's just an asshole looking to make trouble, but if you watch for more than two seconds you'll see there's some truth behind the madness. Danko has the resources to prove his point. His father worked for Tony's father, Howard Stark, and was essentially shafted. He was like a stray dog someone would bring into their home because he looked lost and abused, but the second he took a shit on the rug they kicked him to the curb. The general idea here is that dog had a puppy and it grew up to be a vicious little mutt that went back to bite the previous owner in the balls. That vicious mutt is Danko.

He showed everybody that Iron Man isn't invincible and made his own suit using technology left to him by his father. He ended up using it quite well at that, taking on Tony and messing him up in broad daylight in front of a global audience. It was the superhero equivalent of pulling down his pants and showing the world he had hemorrhoids. From here, Danko gets the attention of Justin Hammer, the other big villain of the movie who Tony Stark has gone out of his way to discredit and humiliate as an incompetent, dim-witted competitor in the world of weapons manufacturing. He's such a jackass to this guy you almost want him to get Danko's help because nobody deserves that kind of lampooning, even if they are a rich bastard.

While Hammer and Danko start working together, Stark is going down a path of self-destruction that Keith Richards himself might step back from. In the last movie his love of decadence was well-demonstrated, but it's different this time around. This time, Tony is suffering from blood toxicity caused by the chest plate that's keeping him alive. So he doesn't believe he's going to be alive much longer. What's the most logical thing to do in that respect? What else? Get pissed faced drunk, throw a party, destroy your house, and completely alienate your friends in the process. This is where the guy who always defends him, James Rhodes, basically strikes out and takes one of Tony's suits to the military where they make it into War Machine.

It all comes to ahead at the end when Danko once again makes Hammer look like an incompetent tool, hijacking his new Iron Man knock-offs and attacking Stark's expo. It makes for some great explosions, some kick-ass fighting, and general over-the-top action that one would expect from a film taken from the annuls of Marvel Comics.

So what does the final product come to? Well it definitely rides the tidal wave of hype and manages not to fizzle out, so there's that. But compared to the first film, there wasn't much of an improvement. In fact, in some ways it felt a lot more disjointed. The action, dialogue, and plot didn't flow nearly as well or as naturally as it did in the first movie. At times the cinematography reads like it was edited by a 15-year-old crack addict with carpel tunnel syndrome. The dialogue was also pretty off at times. It sounded nowhere near as conversational as the last movie or most movies for that matter. When the characters talked, it sounded like they were reading it from a teleprompter and not trying to add a personal touch. I get that this is a movie of big explosions and pretty technology, but that alone an awesome movie does not make.

Then there were the little things. Gwenth Paltrow's portrayal of Pepper Pots didn't change much from the last movie and that in and of itself isn't a bad thing, but you expect a wee bit more progress in the character than this. She sounded downright whiny and bitchy at times, like a spoiled rich girl complaining that her daddy was having fun without her. Granted, she still had great chemistry with Downy, but she lacked the maturity she had in the first movie. Mickey Rourke's performance was solid too, but at times his character came off as flat. When he spoke, it didn't have much personality behind it. He sounded as though he was overacting at times, like he was not really into the character and trying too hard to be like the comic book. There's a limit to that because his lines were limited and when he did speak, it was short and contrived. You get the sense there was depth to Danko's character, but Rouke never got to flesh it out. Now while Scarlet Johansson's portrayal of Black Widow was sheer hotness, it takes more than boner-inducing looks to pull off a character. She came off as flat as Rouke at times. Plus, she didn't even have an accent! How can you do Black Widow and not have that distinct Russian accent? Rouke made it work well. Why couldn't Johansson?

Take all these peeves, throw them into a blender with the rest of the movie, mix it all up, and you'll get something you won't chug every day like chocolate milkshake laced with crack. But you'll get something that's bearable and tasteful, enough to make you glad you indulged and enough to make you want to indulge again. But it's nowhere near the sheer ecstasy of other kick-ass sequels like The Dark Night, X2, or Spider-Man 2. It is still awesome in it's own light. It stands on it's own as a worthy successor to the first Iron Man. And wouldn't you know it? There was one last scene after the credits that hinted at the next big Marvel movie. I'll give you a hint. It involves a guy with a hammer who talks like he's spent one day too many at a Renaissance fair. Nuff said.

So what's the final verdict? For all it's faults and successes, Iron Man 2 gets a 3.5 out of 5. It has plenty of charm, but not the revolutionary imagining that the first one did. It keeps the appetite hungry for more, building further to the eventual Avengers movie set to come out in a few years. There's a lot to love and it's perfectly acceptable to say that Iron Man 2 is kick-ass awesome and one of the best movies of the year so far.