Iron Man 3: A Threequel That Doesn't Suck!

The end of a movie trilogy has always been looked upon in the same way a fly looks at a piece of cow shit. You know one is going to be drawn to the other. You can't avoid it. The best you can do is hold your nose and hope that the fumes don't incur too much brain damage. Some call it the Godfather 3 syndrome. I call it overpaid movie types spending too much money on blow and not enough on making sure the damn story actually works. I'm not against Hollywood types doing blow. Hell, TMZ would go out of business if it stopped. But there's a little something us functioning crack heads called moderation and it pays off if you're not a complete fucking retard.

That brings us to Iron Man 3, the first movie in Marvel's Phase Two segment of its movies and the last in the trilogy that kicked off Phase One. Iron Man was in many ways the movie that set the standard for Marvel movies. It didn't just turn Robert Downey Jr. from a recovering coke head to a massive superstar. It showed that comic book movies can be both awesome, profitable, and entertaining. It did for Marvel what the internet did for porn. It created an exciting new medium for awesome that soaked the panties of a generation of comic fans.

Yet it's because these movies were so good that the third sequel was in great danger of burning out. When the bar is raised so high, it's only natural that someone ends up hitting their or flat out choking to death (see X3). Even when they don't choke, threequels can be so sub-par that they can taint the whole trilogy (again, see X3). So the stakes for Iron Man 3 couldn't be higher. But I'm both happy and drunk to report that this is not the case.

That's right. It was all uphill from here.

It's true. Iron Man 3 is awesome. Yes, it is a threequel and it's awesome. Praise Odin, Galactus, and whatever crazy deity those blue cat people worshiped on Avatar. For once, Hollywood didn't fuck up a threequel. I would not have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes while semi-sober. But it's true. Iron Man 3 actually succeeded where X3, Superman 3, Spider-Man 3, and Godfather 3 failed. It's basically Marvel Studio's way of saying "Suck it, Fox!"

Let's start with the premise. Iron Man 3 took one of the most recognizable Iron Man villains, the Mandarin, and one of the best Iron Man stories from the comics, Extremis, as source material. That would be like X3 using Apocalypse and NOT fucking up the Phoenix Saga. But it's not just the source material that is rich in awesome. The events of Avengers have left an indelible mark on Tony Stark. Apparently, flying a nuclear bomb into a wormhole has a way of fucking some people up. He's basically a wreck now, suffering from the same post traumatic stress disorder that most anyone would suffer from if they went through something so fucked up. He can't sleep. He's drowning himself in work. And he's doing a shitty job of keeping his girlfriend/partner, Pepper Potts, happy. Then again, I guess when you're Gweneth Paltrow and you're the most hated, pompous celebrity in Hollywood, that's not much of a stretch.

But the world after the events of Avengers has also been fucked up. I mean what do you do when you've been invaded by aliens and gods? Well one organization seems to know what to do. You fucking profit from that shit! It's insane how realistic that sounds, but that's exactly what the Advanced Idea Mechanics, or AIM as any self-respecting Marvel fan would know, plan to do. And that's where the Mandarin comes in. He's basically Bin Ladin, Khadafi, and Kim Jong Ill with better sunglasses and a beard. He also may be one of the most racist character you'll ever come across in the comics, but he's basically this evil guy with an Asian-sounding name who wants to destroy America. Why? Because fuck America, that's why! That's what it pretty much boils down to in the comics.

Yep. Nothing raised about this.

But it's worth noting here that the movie does something unique with the Mandarin that helps soften the blow to anyone inclined to bitch about racism. I won't give it away, but I will say that it establishes a sense of theatricality in the movie. I'm not talking about M. Night Shyamalan twists here. If you're hoping for a twist that's going to blow your fucking mind, go back to hoping for Batman fans to forgive Joel Shumacher because it's not going to happen.

Throughout Iron Man 3, nothing is quite as it seems. It's hard to tell just what forces are at work at times, but unlike other movies that try to throw too many curve-balls that end up missing the plate and hitting the batter in the balls, those forces do get revealed. It helps create a bigger picture throughout the movie that actually sends a message that doesn't just involve the benefits of sending high tech robots to kill other high tech robots. It gives the sense that the world within the world is an act. People will manipulate the fears and outrage of the masses to accomplish a goal. Even when that goal is as basic as making money, the sheer breadth of it speaks to the depths of both greed and the need for control.

This is where AIM comes in. They are, in many ways, the ultimate villain of the modern era. They are not some blood-thirsty foreign army or some rogue terrorist group. It isn't enough for them to just make fancy shit that they can sell to people that are eager to blow shit up. They need to control both the supply and the demand of war. That's where Aldrich Killian and Maya Hansen come in. Aldrich is the leader of AIM and Maya is a chick Tony boned in the past who came up with Extremis, proving once again that most of the evil in the world can be traced back to ex-girlfriends. They seek to use Extremis, a bold new drug that started simply as a means of enhancing the human body and helping wounded war veterans heal, as the ultimate weapon of war. It's devious, but not unrealistic. You have to think that the guys at Fox News and the Vatican have entertained some plans like this at one point.

It all comes back to Tony Stark, but in this movie he can't just beat this threat by making a better Iron Man. In fact, for most of this movie he's either not in his Iron Man suit or he's using a suit that has been badly damaged. Early on in the movie, his instability and his arrogance get the better of him. His house blows up. His girlfriend gets abducted. Jarvis goes off line. And he's basically stuck in some random town in the middle of Tennessee (the part without Elvis impersonators) trying to piece everything together. He essentially has to rebuild himself and not just Iron Man. And that's part of what makes the story itself compelling. He's a badly wounded guy with serious anxiety issues trying t pull himself together. All the while, he's still the same lovable prick. Only a guy like Robert Downy Jr. can pull that shit off and make it so entertaining.

In the end, this battle comes to a very definitive and very satisfying conclusion. It's made clear that the suit is not the only thing that makes Iron Man who he is. Tony Stark and Iron Man are one in the same. Take away the suit and the house and he's still Iron Man. Stick him in the middle of nowhere and force him to team up with some random kid and he's still Iron Man. Take away that glowing chest plate and he's still Iron man. That's the main message of this movie and it delivers that message perfectly.

You'll never be this awesome. Ever.

That's not to say the movie is without flaws. Unlike Iron Man 2, you won't see Black Widow or Nick Fury showing up. There's no teaser either about new Marvel characters entering the movie universe. Everything is strictly Iron Man here. Even the after-credits teaser offers no insight. In addition, it can come off as a bit convoluted at times. But again, it doesn't force you to ignore the finer details like a Dark Knight Rises would.

Overall, nobody is going to put Iron Man 3 above Avengers. It's just not as epic. It can't be as epic by default. But if ever there was a template with which to effectively close out a trilogy, this would be it. This movie gets to the essence of who Iron Man is and doesn't try to do anything overly radical with it. It just takes some of the best elements that make Iron Man who he is and runs with it. For that, I give Iron Man 3 an emphatic 5 out of 4.5. It's a satisfying movie to complete a satisfying trilogy. It may not make you think Gweneth Paltrow is any less annoying, but it will make you love Robert Downy Jr. and it will make you love Iron Man. Now excuse me while I go give the finger to every other threequal that sucked. Nuff said!

Avengers Movie News: Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch Joining the Cast?

I know this isn't a site people go to for movie news. This is a site where people go to so they can see a semi-functioning drunk review comics. But every so often, some news comes along that I feel is worth reporting because it is either so big that it deserves to be reported on no matter how drunk I am or it's just so WTF that it must be brought up. This is the latter.

Spinoff: Quicksilver and Scarlett Witch Confirmed for Avengers 2

In case there was any doubt that writer/director Joss Whedon was referring to Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch last week when he teased there’s “a brother-sister act” in The Avengers 2, we now have confirmation.

According to Entertainment Weekly, an unnamed source states the twin children of Magneto will indeed join Earth’s Mightiest Heroes in Marvel’s 2015 sequel. When the question was posed to studio President Kevin Feige, he would only say, “I’m not confirming or denying. The draft could change six months from now.”

Of course, that does confirm Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch appear in Whedon’s first take on the script, which the writer acknowledged is “an evolution, and that goes on in editing,  it goes on all through shooting and it never stops. [...] You do come to a point where you all agree, OK … I’ve got these two characters — my two favorite characters from the comic book, a brother-sister act, they’re in the movie, that’s exciting — you lock certain things in. But then, there’s a certain fluidity …”

Judging by Whedon’s enthusiasm, it seems likely Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch will be among those things locked in throughout the development process.

While Fox owns the film rights to the X-Men franchise, Feige indicated in April 2012 that, presumably because of the characters’ long histories with the Avengers — they joined the team within a year of their introduction as X-Men villains — Marvel could use Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch as well.

“It’s a little complicated,” he said, “but if they [Fox] want to use them in the X-Men movie they could, [but] if we want to use them in The Avengers movie, we could.”

The Avengers 2 opens May 1, 2015.

Make no mistake. Avengers 2 has the capacity to set a standard of awesome that would make the universe shit itself. Marvel Studios has a wealth of characters and history to draw from, even with many characters belonging to other studios (fuck you, Fox and Sony). Yet they're risking multiple orgasms from lawyers by bringing in Quicksilver and the fucking Scarlett Witch? Two characters who for the past decade are best known for fucking things up with the Avengers rather than helping them? And then there's the incest. By Odin's divine shit, the fucking incest.

The image this panel burns in your mind will never go away. EVER.

How the fuck did someone wake up one day at Marvel studios and say, "Gee, you know what would be awesome? Putting two characters with incestuous tendencies and a knack for fucking up reality in our biggest franchise!" Anyone who said that should have either been fired or drug tested.

Now I have nothing against Quicksilver and the Scarlett Witch. I understand they have a history with the Avengers. But throwing them in a movie where lawyers make sure that the X-men (which Fox has the rights to) never dare touch Marvel's greedy hands just seems needlessly complicated when there are already a long list of Avengers characters to explore.

Is anyone out there really going to argue in a sober state of mind that Quicksilver and the Scarlett Witch are bigger names than Miss Marvel, Black Panther, Wasp, Ant Man, or She-Hulk? There is way too much fucking material for Marvel to work with on a movie this big so they have no fucking excuse. Now don't get me wrong. I am going to be among those waiting in line to see Avengers 2, but it won't be for Quicksilver and the Scarlett fucking Witch. If decades down the line Marvel has sodomized enough lawyers to get the X-men rights back from Fox, I would fully support a bigger crossover. But not like this. Nuff said!

Iron Man 3 Trailer (With Plenty of Backup)

We're getting close to that time of year again, my fellow fanboy! It's that time when the weather isn't trying to freeze your nuts off on a daily basis and the cocaine-fueled orgy that is Hollywood prepares to corrupt America's youth with more senseless entertainment. As one of those proud youths, I say corrupt away motherfucker!

It has become routine for the summer movie season to be ushered in by a big name comic book movie. Last year we had the Avengers and fuck, you can't get much bigger than that. This year we have the end of yet another comic book movie trilogy and hopefully it's less X3 and more Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

I'm talking about Iron Man 3, the first Marvel movie to take place after the events of the Avengers. We already know Tony Stark is more fucked up than his alcoholism can cope with. We've had plenty of time to digest the earlier previews that show shit blowing up and the Mandarin trying his best to make audiences forget that it's a white guy playing an Asian character. But today Marvel has released a more detailed trailer that offers some additional insight that can be best summed up in one word...backup!

Iron Man was the first Marvel movie to usher in the era of the Marvel movieverse. It set the tone for a long streak of awesome that would eventually culminate in Avengers. But Marvel says that shit was only Phase 1. This is Phase 2 bitches! And Phase II requires more than just one guy in an Iron Man suit for reasons that are too awesome for any trailer. While I'm not the most patient drunk in the world, I understand that awesome shit is worth waiting for. But still, May 3rd better hurry the fuck up and get here! Nuff said!