X-men: Apocalypse - A Strong and Fitting Finale

The following is my review of X-men: Apocalypse, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Within the ever-evolving standards by which superhero movies are gauged, the X-men franchise has been on every end of the spectrum in terms of quality and relevance. This is fitting since, in many ways, the X-men launched the modern era of superhero movies in 2000. That first X-men movie acts as a bridge from the era of excessive camp in Batman and Robin to era of unshakable charm in Iron Man. For that reason, the X-men franchise will always have an important role in the history of superhero movies and cinema in general.

However, the standard that X-men sets in 2000 is not a standard that can apply to X-men: Apocalypse in 2016. Over a decade-and-a-half of maturation, evolution, and even regression at times makes a movie like this difficult to assess. On its own, it’s the capstone to a trilogy that began with X-men: First Class. In terms of the bigger picture, which encompasses the superhero genre as a whole, X-men: Apocalypse enters an era of cinema where the deck is stacked and the standards are exceedingly unfair. However, even within these circumstances, X-men: Apocalypse finds a way to succeed.

X-men: Apocalypse doesn’t attempt to reinvent the superhero movie. It doesn’t attempt to radically alter the formula for making a movie that entertains, inspires, and delights. It simply takes the formula, follows it to the letter, and lets the results speak for itself. Those results, even in a crowded market of heroes fighting heroes and villains acting as heroes, show in both the quality of the movie and the foundation it lays for the future.

Those who saw Captain America: Civil War and Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice will have a very different cinematic experience in X-men: Apocalypse. In 2016, it might be jarring because there are no heroes fighting each other and no Deadpool poking fun at overplayed superhero themes. In nearly any other year, going back to the Richard Donner era, this movie would check all the right boxes for a superhero movie and wouldn’t need to be graded on a curve. Even with such unreasonable standards, X-men: Apocalypse doesn’t shy away from the challenge.

It starts with a daunting threat in En Sabah Nur, the titular villain played by Oscar Isaac. On paper, he’s not a very complex villain. He doesn’t have the charisma of Tom Hiddleston’s Loki or Heath Ledger’s Joker. He’s basically the personification of Social Darwinism, the belief that the strong will survive and the weak must perish. It’s a simple personification and one that leaves precious little room for Isaac’s charisma, but it’s also perfectly consistent with every single iteration of Apocalypse, from the classic X-men comics to the ‘90s cartoon that inspired generations of X-men fans.

What X-men: Apocalypse does with its primary villain is the template for how the rest of this movie unfolds. It doesn’t try to reinvent Charles Xavier, Cyclops, or Jean Grey. At times, as is the case with Hugh Jackman’s brief cameo as Wolverine, it takes iconic moments right from the comics and brings them to life. These are moments presented in a way that has a distinct impact, even for those who have never read an X-men comic in their life.

It’s the complete opposite approach that Josh Trank used in the latest iteration of Fantastic Four. For X-men: Apocalypse, Director Bryan Singer and Producer Simon Kinberg focus on the elements of X-men that make it so iconic. It shows in everything from Apocalypse’s over-the-top personality to Jubilee’s sunglasses and yellow jacket. At times, X-men: Apocalypse feels like several episodes of the old ‘90s cartoon come to life. However, it manages to avoid falling into the same trap of excessive camp that destroyed Batman movies for a decade.

That’s not to say everything in X-men: Apocalypse stays true to the source material. Certain elements are entirely disconnected from the comics and have been since X-men: First Class. Jennifer Lawrence’s Mystique and Evan Peters’ Quicksilver are nothing like their comic or cartoon counterparts. In fact, they’re so different that they might as well be different characters altogether. Remarkably though, this actually improves the tone and themes of the movie.

The past 16 years of superhero movies are fraught with instances where following the comics storylines doesn’t always work. Technically, Roger Corman’s maligned and unreleased Fantastic Four movie is quite true to the source material. However, there are just as many instances, if not more, where ignoring the source material is detrimental, as every Deadpool fan who saw Wolverine: Origins can attest. The key is knowing when to deviate and X-men: Apocalypse follows the same deviations that the previous two movies established.

This means that Mystique is a complex character with motivations that don’t involve tormenting the X-men for reasons she never even tries to justify. This means that Quicksilver is a fun, entertaining, and likable character without a false accent. This means that Quicksilver can follow up follow up his show-stealing, speed scene from X-men: Days of Future Past with another show-stopping spectacle in this movie. These are elements that are entirely absent from the source material, but they work in X-men: Apocalypse because they provide something that the X-men mythos needs, but isn’t present in other mediums.

Singer and Kinberg pick and choose the elements of the source material to highlight and the elements to reject and overall, they choose wisely. The cast in X-men: Apocalypse is much richer than previous X-men movies. It doesn’t rely heavily on more obscure characters like Azazel, Darwin, or Angel Salvador. It reintroduces the X-men’s heavy hitters in Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Nightcrawler, who are given fresh life thanks to the acting talents of Tye Sherriden, Sophie Turner, and Kodi Smit-McPhee.

These are core characters to the X-men mythos. Without them, the X-men are missing a vital piece of their soul. Their presence and their portrayal help give X-men: Apocalypse the sense that it’s a complete X-men movie, not lacking in necessary elements nor trying to make up for them in other ways. It has all the ingredients and it makes use of them.

These ingredients include the continued dichotomy between Charles Xavier and Magneto, which retains the same complexity and constantly-shifting depth that began with Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen back in 2000. Both men have a vision for the mutant race. Both get opportunities to realize parts of that vision with Apocalypse acting as a catalyst. The clash of those visions, which forms the core of nearly every X-men movie that doesn’t involve Deadpool, brings out the core of what makes X-men work.

This core, along with the characters and themes around it, comprise only half the ingredients, though. The rest of X-men: Apocalypse succeeds or fails based on how those ingredients mesh in a plot. In this respect, the movie succeeds in every necessary way, but those looking for more advanced forms of success are just setting unreasonable expectations for a movie that doesn’t try to be more complex than it needs to be.

Apocalypse is the very antithesis of cunning and subtle. He doesn’t try to infiltrate or subvert his enemies. He’s the oldest, most powerful mutant who ever lived. He doesn’t have to resort to the tactics utilized by Hydra, Loki, or the Joker. He only has to use his power to influence and manipulate on a terrifying level that manifests in a massive spectacle that simply cannot be matched by civil wars or superhero brawls.

There is destruction. There is devastation. There is a conflict that consumes the entire planet, not just some airport in Germany or one generic American city. It’s over-the-top and excessive at times, but it’s also entirely appropriate for Apocalypse. What makes it work are the details behind the destruction. The way the young X-men get caught up in this conflict, the way Charles Xavier and Magneto’s visions clash, and the way the final confrontation unfolds all forge a plot that is concise, quick-paced, and coherent.

Not a frame is wasted. Every scene has a purpose. Every moment aids in the progression of the story. While that progression is rushed at times, the plot never gets derailed or chaotic. It never becomes overly elaborate or excessively dense. In a superhero movie built around destruction and spectacle, this is both an accomplishment and a necessity.

That’s not to say there aren’t some elements that slip through the cracks. X-men: Apocalypse employs a long list of iconic X-men characters. Not all of them get a chance to shine, but even those who don’t, such as Psylocke and Angel, don’t have their potential wasted or nullified. For these characters, X-men: Apocalypse is a teaser of sorts, showing off what they can do. For the brief moments they have, they do it well and leave the door open for future opportunities in other X-men movies.

It’s because of these elements that X-men: Apocalypse is unique in that it will confirm the bias of anyone who sees it with a specific intent. Those who are eager to hate it or are burned out on superhero movies can find a reason to not enjoy it. Those who are eager to embrace its excessive fan service and over-the-top spectacle will be able to do so. However, to hate X-men: Apocalypse requires a certain amount of short-sightedness.

What makes X-men: Apocalypse a landmark accomplishment for the X-men franchise has little to do with how it puts together a story and more to do with avoiding mistakes. When assessing the movie in this respect, there’s a certain context to consider when comparing it to other movies in the franchise. Those considerations include the following:

• Does this movie callously kill off major characters off-panel and never mention them again? No, it doesn’t.
• Does this movie include plot details that are wholly inconsistent with the timeline established by other movies? No, it doesn’t.
• Does this movie make egregious changes to a character, such as sewing Deadpool’s mouth shut? No, it doesn’t.
• Does this movie completely undermine iconic moments in the X-men mythos, such as Rogue choosing to cure her mutation or Jean Grey forcing someone to kill her instead of making a heroic sacrifice? No, it doesn’t.
• Does this movie attempt to hide the more colorful visuals of the mythos by making things more real and gritty? No, it doesn’t.

While the lack of flaws don’t necessarily make a movie great, they certainly give a movie a level of polish when seen in the context of its predecessors. X-men: Apocalypse has a level of polish that no X-men movie has achieved to date. It tells a concise, complete story with beloved, iconic characters through a cast of talented, charismatic actors. It checks all the right boxes and even includes a few bonuses, despite leaving a few holes for the cynical to exploit.

Even without the context of other X-men movies, X-men: Apocalypse stands as a complete, concise superhero movie. Singer and Kinberg finally assemble all the right ingredients and cook them in all the right ways. It’s fitting that a franchise built on the concept of mutation must undergo the chaotic and unforgiving process of natural selection to find something that works. X-men: Apocalypse, both as a superhero movie and a cinematic spectacle, works in ways that even the most ardent Social Darwinist cannot deny.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

X-Men: Apocalypse Final Trailer [HD] - Snikt Motherfucker!

Just one month left! One month until we find out once and for all whether Fox can make an X-men movie that doesn't suck and doesn't rely on Ryan Reynolds' insane dedication to making a Deadpool movie. There are a lot of ways Fox can fuck this up. They've done it in the past and it's unreasonable to think they won't do it again. But I'm feeling a bit more upbeat and maybe a bit high. I'm willing to give any movie a chance that has Jennifer Lawrence, Sophie Turner, Alexandra Shipp, and Oscar Issac a chance to be awesome. The final trailer came out today and it even offers something that might give it some extra awesome to compete with Disney, aliens, and ninja turtles. One word people. Snikt!


Oh Hugh, I'm going to miss you. I think I speak for a lot of X-men fans and horny housewives when I say we are so going to miss you. Nuff said!

Possible X-men: Apocalypse SPOILERS!

I don’t normally do this, but I felt like I had to make a big fucking exception for this. First of all, I know this is going to rub a certain set of people the wrong way. To those people I say, go back to 1996. This is 2016. The internet is here and it’s here to stay. That means shit is going to be spoiled. Movies, TV shows, video games...all of it will be spoiled. If you like spoilers, stay off the internet. For some people, that’s just too fucking hard and too fucking bad.

That said, here’s the deal. Some major spoilers may or may not have leaked for X-men Apocalypse. It’s still a little more than two months before the release. That means someone is blowing someone else to get info on screenings, scripts, etc. Someone’s jaw must be sore because someone on the internet toilet/treasure trove known as 4chan has posted what appears to be a full run-down of the events of X-men Apocalypse.

Now full disclosure here. I have no fucking clue as to how valid this is. It may be an elaborate act of trolling. It might be someone who just happened to blow the right person at Fox. But since I’m in the business of sharing juicy details with X-men fans, here it is, courtesy of some help from the fine folks at the CBR message boards.

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Begins with "2001"-esque imagery of the birth of humanity with a narration by Xavier on the different approaches of science and religion to evolution, and how sometimes they can become one and the same, as we see a caveman become possessed by Apocalypse.

Cut to ancient Egypt. Apocalypse is in an old, withered body, as his followers wait outside his temple, chanting his name and praying for his ressurrection. The Four Horsemen, hooded figure with techno-stone suits, bring a man (Oscar Isaac) into the chamber. The priestress slashes the man’s neck, but he recovers. He’s a mutant with Wolverine-tier healing. He’s one of the followers.

The man is loaded into a tablet, Apocalypse in other, and Apocalypse transfers his consciousness into the mutant’s body, rendering him blue. As he celebrates, he is betrayed by his Horsemen, who seal him away in a tomb and bury it in a deep chamber within the pyramid. The horsemen then appear before the followers and claim En Sabah Nur is dead.

Cut to 1989, as archaeologists are excavating the tomb of En Sabah Nur, the "forgotten pharaoh", they find the chamber where he’s entombed. One of the archaeologists reads an inscription they’ve pieced together from their research and manage to open the tomb, through which Apocalypse emerges and feeds off of their life force to regain a semblance of his strength.

Apocalypse stumbles into modern day Cairo and is disgusted by what his kingdom has been reduced to. As he walks around, covered in a cloak, and happens upon Storm, a street urchin and pickpocket, when she creates a gust of wind to distract some passerbyes so she can snag and dash. Apocalypse follows her into a flophouse where she’s holed up and finds her going through the meager gains of the day. Storm is weak, barely able to conjure lighting, which Apocalypse dodges. He then uncloaks, revealing himself to her, caresses her face, and calls her "my child". Her hair begins to turn white.

This segues into a montage of war, destruction and chaos, which turns out to be a nightmare from Jean Grey. She’s a student at the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters, which is now a public institution. Jean wakes up, Xavier is by her bedside and comforts her. She tells him she saw the end of the world, but Xavier reassures her it was just a dream. They walk around the mansion, discussing their powers and how Jean came into becoming Xavier’s first student. Xavier says he had nearly lost hope, but Mystique taught him there was a better future worth fighting for, and Jean, to him, symbolizes that hope for tomorrow. Mystique, I should add, is kind of a mutant hero for saving the President. Jubilee is another student at the mansion and Jean’s roommate.

Cut to Russia. Storm, now powerful as fuck, approaches Caliban, a broker who provides mutant mercenaries for stuff like assassinations, sabotage and shit. Apocalypse arrives and demands someone strong and merciless. In comes Psylocke, who quickly sneaks upon Storm with her sword, and upon being disarmed, pulls out her psi-blade. They have a brief girl fight before Apocalypse stops and recruits her to be the second Horseman.

We then meet Scott Summers, who is brought into the Xavier School by his estranged older brother Alex Summers. Scott doesn’t want to be there and is a douche to Alex, Xavier, Jubilee and Hank McCoy, but gets interested in Jean and agrees to stay for a weekend. Hank is not particularly thrilled with Scott, since he’s all like "I’m superior to everyone", which reminds him of Magneto. Xavier says there is no more Magneto.

Cut to Erik Lensherr living in a small village in Poland with a wife and small daughter. He’s still wanted by the government and went off the grid, and the townspeople don’t know he has powers. He works at the local steel mill and leads a generally happy life. Apocalypse, Storm and Psylocke show up at the factor and Apocalypse disables everyone so he can try to bring Erik to his side, but Erik refuses, and even uses his magnetism to fend Storm and Psylocke off. Apocalypse leaves with a cryptic warning that his façade won’t last, and we see he left one worker awake to witness the whole exchange, including Erik using his powers.

Cut to Mystique in Germany, intercepting a truck transporting young mutants to an underground fight club where they’re forced to fight for high rollers. She is then intercepted by a military group led by William Stryker, who has become obsessed with capturing her since she let Wolverine go before Stryker could get to him, and because she changed public perception of mutants for the better. Mystique beats up his men and escapes.

At the fight club, we see Angel being pitted against Nightcrawler, who wins. The crowd wants Nightcrawler to finish Angel off, but Nightcrawler refuses. The club owner then decides to have them both executed nevertheless, but Apocalypse and his followers arrive and kill the bodyguards. Nightcrawler teleports away, while Angel pleads allegiance to Apocalypse and becomes Archangel and proceeds to slaughter the high rollers as a terrified Nightcrawler watches from afar.

At the X-Mansion, Scott makes an ass of himself during a class taught by Xavier and gets into a fight with Jean. She thinks he’s a douchebag, he thinks she’s a nerd and a teacher’s pet. It’s supposed to be cute, but honestly it just feels awkward.

Back to Poland, as Erik leaves for work (his wife’s name is Magda and the daughter is named Anya, for whoever asked). Erik arrives at the plant and slowly notices the men lining up around him, led by the guy that saw he’s a mutant. They jump him and hit him with a tire iron, knocking him out.

When Erik comes to, he’s tied up in front of his home, as the townspeople drag his wife and daughter out as they plead for help. He’s too weak from the blow on his head, and just pleads mercy, but the townspeople tie them to poles and aim arrows at them. Erik yells for them not to. They set his house on fire, accuse Erik of being a monster and an aberrator, and kill the wife and daughter via firing squad. It’s tense as fuck, almost R-rating tier, I don’t even know if that shit will be allowed in the PG-13 cut.

Erik is next on the execution. The townspeople intend to burn him at stake, but he begins crying and yelling and suddenly everything metal goes crazy. Erik then kills the lynch mob with their own metal belongings, like the prom scene from Carrie, but once again lets his accuser live to go and tell the tale. He then pulls his wife and daughter’s mangled corpses from the poles, slowly fixes their hair and clothes and gives them a funeral pyre, while sharing them a story from his childhood he had earlier promised the little girl he’d tell. Xavier senses his pain from afar and dread overcomes him.

Mystique arrives at the fight club and finds the massacrated bodies of the locals, with Nightcrawler staying behind to pray for each of their souls, as an act of forgiveness for what they put him through. She asks him what happened, and he relays his brief encounter with Apocalypse. Mystique then decides to take him back to the Xavier mansion.

Back in the town, it’s now deserted. Everyone has fled. Erik is alone in the steel mill, mourning his death, when Apocalypse returns. Erik accuses him of ruining his life, but Apocalypse spews out some sick logic of merely pulling a thread that would unravel sooner or later, and inflict pain upon Erik now that he can grow stronger from it rather than later when it would just consume him. Apocalypse then convinces Erik to become the final Horseman, and enhances his powers, allowing Erik to level the entire town.

Mystique and Nightcrawler arrive at the X-Mansion, and Nightcrawler gets to know Jean and Jubilee, while the other students are afraid of him. Cyclops is a dick to Nightcrawler, which Beast remarks reminds him of how Havok was a dick to him. Mystique and Xavier reunite, and Mystique tells Xavier about Apocalypse. Xavier finds it suspicious, and decides to visit Moira McTaggert over at the CIA with Alex since she’s become an expert in mutant phenomena. Cyclops, that edgy rebel, rallies Jean, Nightcrawler and Jubilee to go blow some steam off at the mall, where they get into a fight with some local bullies and it’s all kinda’ silly.

At CIA headquarters, Xavier reunites with Moira. She doesn’t remember him because he wiped her mind, but is still attracted to him and respects his contributions for the mutant cause. She gives a basic infodrop on Apocalypse and we find out Stryker is also consulting with the CIA, and trying to get them to approve the Weapon X Program.

Quicksilver arrives at the X-Mansion searching for his father after hearing reports of Magneto destroying Poland and reunites with Beast and Mystique. Meanwhile, Xavier, Moira and Havok return to search for Apocalypse using Cerebro, but Apocalypse instead infects Xavier’s mind, forcing Havok to cut off the connection. Jean senses Xavier’s distress due to a telepathic link they share, and the young mutants return to the X-Mansion just as Apocalypse and the Horsemen attack it to kidnap Xavier and seize control of the Cerebro technology.

The young mutants attempt to intervene and shit goes south HARD, with Archangel killing Jubilee (she had a little bit of a flirt with Nightcrawler). Havok sacrifices himself to hold off the Horsemen while Beast and Mystique lead Moira and the young surviving mutants to the lower levels, but he is killed by Apocalypse, who proceeds to curbstomp the young mutants with his multiple powers. Apocalypse then leaves with the Horsemen and Xavier after Quicksilver manages to extract everyone to a safe location.

Apocalypse leads the Horsemen back to Cairo, where he excavates his pyramic, containing advanced technology including the transfer tablet. He then announces his plans to purge the Earth of the weak and create a better world from its ashes. Storm is uncomfortable when Apocalypse commits a massacre with his powers, to increase hisn own strength. His power, of course, is to transfer his mind to Xavier’s body. While being held captive, Xavier manages to reach out to Storm, who has been persecuted as a "witch" by all her life, and resents the human race for what they done to her because she’s "another innocent’ despite her being innocent and her own person, which Xavier points out she is doing right now. Xavier and Magneto also share a moment, with Xavier claiming Magneto’s grief is blinding him, and Magneto ignoring it. Psylocke and Archangel, though, are just psycho brutes.

The young mutants are scattered. Cyclops particularly takes Havok’s death hard and is comforted by Jean, while Mystique gives Nightcrawler some advice. Quicksilver is disheartened his father is among the Horsemen. Eventually, Mystique decides to pick up the dust and go rescue Xavier and stop Apocalypse. Beast decides to accompany her, and one by one the young mutants agree as well, and Moira decides to join them as well, resigning from the CIA. Meanwhile, Stryker uses Apocalypse’s massacre as proof mutants are dangerous and assembles a task-force codenamed "The Purifiers" to launch an all-out assault on Cairo, with a nuke being the last-ditch measure to prevent Apocalypse from fulfilling his plans.

Apocalypse’s secret weapon is the Horsemen themselves. Although they are not directly referred to as such, they embody the basic aspects of the biblican Horsemen. War (Magneto), Death (Archangel), Famine (Storm) and Plague (Psylocke, I guess?)

The X-Men suit up in prototype battlesuits developed by Beast and head to Cairo to rescue Xavier and battle Apocalypse and the Horsemen. They are intercepted by the Horsemen, who destroy the X-Jet, and crash-land in the derelict ruins ot a town in Cairo, where they battle the Horsemen. The Purifies also arrive, leading to a threeway battle, though the Purifiers are quickly disposed of. During the fight, Jean has a vision of Stryker launching the nuke, which in turns causes other countries to launch nukes as well as destroys the world, with Apocalypse as the sole survivor.

Mystique is taken out by Apocalypse, so Cyclops levels up and rallies the X-Men to fight the Horsemen. Through a combined effort, they take down Archangel (Nightcrawler delivers the final blow) and Psylocke (honor goes to Jean). Cyclops fights Storm while Quicksilver fights Magneto. Magneto can’t bring himself to kill Quicksilver upon learning he’s his father, while Cyclops manages to get through to Storm and she switches side.

When the other Horsemen are taken out, Apocalypse arrives, defeats them almost effortlessly, and begins tearing the world apart. Magneto realizes the error of his ways when he notices a young woman and her daughter, very similar to his own lost family, being vaporized in Apocalypse’s massacre. He turns the tables on Apocalypse and fights him, with Storm joining in, and eventually the other X-Men.

Apocalypse is weakened and retreats to his pyramid to transfer his consciousness to Xavier. He leaves his original body, but Xavier resists him, leading to a psychic battle. Cyclops blasts the pyramid’s defenses open and Jean uses her link to Xavier to help him battle Apocalypse in the astral plane, which also causes her to unlock her full powers.

Meanwhile, Stryker confronts Moira, accusing her of being a race traitor, and orders the launch. Moira alerts Magneto, who stops all the nukes in mid-air and dismantles them like he did in "First Class", but bigger. Nightcrawler saves Archangel from certain death as an act of forgiveness, while Quicksilver rescues Psylocke.

Apocalypse is so weakned by his battle with Xavier and Jean that he tries to return to the original body, but Mystique is impersonating it. Without the rapid healing, Apocalypse remains vulnerable both physically and mentally, and Xavier purges him out of Mystique’s mind, losing all his hair in the process. Apocalypse vanishes, unable to exist without a physical form, and all his followers lose their powers. Pyslocke escapes to go off on her own, while Nightcrawler allows Angel, now in control of his own emotions, to flee.

The X-Men have won, but the government is coming. On Xavier’s behalf, Cyclops destroys Apocalypse’s technology so they can consfiscate it, and they escape.

Back in the X-Mansion, Xavier and Magneto make amends over past mistakes, Mystique and Beast rekindle their relationship, and Mystique decides to stay behind. Cyclops and Jean kiss, Cyclops and Nightcrawler cement themselves as bros, and Magneto decides to leave to find his own place, but assures Xavier he’ll return one day, and "has one thing or two to teach these children". Quicksilver wants to go with him, but Magneto accepts him as a son, tells him he’d be proud to have Quicksilver as a member of the X-Men. Storm is also accepted into the Institute, as Jean’s roommate. As a gesture of kindness, she returns Jubilee’s locket, which she had taken after Jubilee was killed. Jean also displays greater telepathic and telekinetic powers than Xavier has predicted, and we have the tiniest foreshadowing of a Dark Phoenix lurking in the future.

The mutants are blamed for the destruction of Cairo and the full-scale assault on the world. A young politician, Robert Kelly, is amassing followers with his claims of mutant registration. Moira returns to the X-Mansion, having officially resigned from the CIA, and reveals that Stryker’s Weapon X Program has been approved, but she has stolen a copy of the files on Stryker’s first target: Wolverine.

Xavier assembles the X-Men: Cyclops, Jean Grey, Storm, Nightcrawler, Quicksilver, Beast and Mystique, and they depart to rescue Wolverine before Stryker gets to him.

Then we have a final stinger that didn’t really make much sense, of a government official of some sort doing cleanup on Cairo. He finds a lone, forgotten piece of Apocalypse’s technology and, upon touching it, his eyes become white, like Apocalypse’s.

So there you have it. This is what we can expect from X-men Apocalypse. Overall, I’m content with the fact that it doesn’t suck. That’s the most I think we can hope for with X-men movies, especially when the competition in Captain America: Civil War and Dawn of Justice will likely blow it the fuck out of the water. But still, an X-men movie that doesn’t fuck up as badly as X3 or Wolverine: Origins gets a seal of approval in my book. Nuff said!

X-Men: Apocalypse | Official Trailer [HD] | 20th Century FOX (Mutants Are Fucked)

The second and, presumably, final trailer for X-men Apocalypse came out. After seeing this, all I can say is this movie is going to get its mutant ass kicked by Captain America: Civil War. I love Sophie Turner, Jennifer Lawrence, and James McAvoy. I love X-men and will root for them over those who would try to replace them with bullshit Inhumans. But they're just not going to win 2016. Between Justice League, Captain America: Civil War, and a fucking Ninja Turtles movie that has Krang in it, I think I'm not crazy to say that X-men Apocalypse is fucked.

X-MEN: APOCALYPSE Official Trailer: Apocalyptic Odds

In the old X-men Animated Series, also known as the GREATEST CARTOON EVER, Apocalypse had one line that best summed up what an evil badass he was. He said this:

"There is no freedom from me. There is only freedom through me!"

THAT'S Apocalypse. That's who he is. Of all the complex villains in X-men history, he's probably the most basic. He's a mutant with god-like power, a god-like ego, and a god-like grudge against the weak. Surely, Fox is incapable of fucking up a movie with a character like this. I want to believe it. But time and again, Fox has proven that they're capable of fucking up any character. Just ask Dr. Doom.

That said, I do concede that Fox has done a better job minimizing their fuck-ups with X-men than it has Fantastic Four. I think Bryan Singer is a douche, but he's WAY better than Josh Trank. Pretty sure that shit is beyond dispute.

Singer indirectly admitted he let shit get really fucked up in the X-men movies when he left to make Superman a deadbeat dad when he rebooted the entire X-men canon in X-men: Days of Future Past. Pretty much everything from that movies is now as meaningful as David Hasselhoff's music career. It's probably for the best. Aside from Mystique running around naked, those movies were basically an elaborate circle jerk of stories centered around Wolverine whining about a woman he never got to fuck.

Fox now has a clean slate to work with. They shit all over the clean slate they had with Fantastic Four. Now, this might be their last chance to prove they can't fuck it up. And the trailer finally came out this past week, minus Ivan Ooze. So will it work? Will Singer avoid Trank's mistakes? I don't know. All I know is that Sophie Turner looks fucking gorgeous.


Even if this movie finds a way NOT to suck, the cards are already stacked against it. X-men Apocalypse isn't just battling other Marvel movies next summer. It also has to deal with Batman v. Superman and Independence Day as competition. And Marvel has proven time and again that even their sub-par movies beat the shit out of Fox's best. This is a movie destined to get swallowed up by the collective efforts of the Justice League, the Avengers, and Jeff Goldbloom. So put on some adamantium-coated underwear, X-men fans. It's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

X-men: Days of Future (Undoing the) Past - A Painfully Detailed Review

When it comes to providing quality awesome to the fine folks to who follow this mess of drunken ramblings some call a blog, I am fully willing to put myself through plenty of punishment. I will endure hangovers, brain damage, and strange burn marks on my ass that I don't remember getting after blacking out at a rave in Miami. That's how dedicated I am. Now it's easier for me in some respects because sometimes pain gives me a boner. But what I just did is nowhere near as enjoyable as paying a couple of strippers to bite my nipple and choke me while I touch myself. Since I know some fans would be clamoring for it, I sucked it up and did it. I saw X-men: Days of Futures Past.

Now I had planned to see this movie at some point, preferably when it came out on cable so I could go to the bathroom during commercial breaks and throw up when I needed. But I decided to just bite the bullet, sneak some whiskey into a movie theater, and saw the movie so that I can at least give the impression that I know what the fuck I'm talking about when I discuss it. Sure, I left drunk, but I also left with a full assessment of this movie that was supposed to give the X-men movies a fresh start.

Let's start by getting one thing out of the way. X-men: Days of Futures Past is NOT as awful as X3 or Wolverine Origins or The Wolverine. But again, that's like saying punch in the jaw feels better than a kick in the balls. The bar for quality in the X-men movies has been set so fucking low that Homer Simpson has the athletic ability to jump it. So making a movie that didn't make fans want to violently shit out their intestines through their eye sockets wasn't very hard. However, that doesn't mean it was worth massaging Bryan Singer's ego.

Because that's really the impression I got when I saw this movie. X-men: Days of Futures Past was all about ego. There's a very salient scene that was blatantly spoiled in a trailer where Xavier and Magneto have this little exchange:

Xavier: You took the things that meant most to me.

Magneto: Well maybe you should have fought harder for them.

Then Magneto fucks up the plane to make his point, which is a pretty effective way to win an argument. But when I saw this, I got the sense that this same conversation happened at some point behind the scene.

Bryan Singer: You destroyed something that meant so much to me.

Brett Ratner: Well maybe you should have fought harder for it.

That really is what this is about. Singer himself stated outright that this movie was meant to fix the steaming mountain of shit that Brett Ratner created when he spewed out X3 through his colon. But let us not forget the context of that epic tragedy. Singer is the one that ditched the X-men movies. Ratner was just the dipshit Fox hired to try and replace him. Singer put Ratner in a position to desecrate his own mountains of shit and for what? So he could make a movie that turned Superman into a fucking deadbeat dad? I'm sorry, Mr. Singer, but you have nobody to blame but yourself for this shit.

And that is very much the same situation that Charles Xavier finds himself in. He just fucking up and quit, turning into a burned out Saturday Night Fever wannabe after he lost his team and his students. And it wasn't like Magneto took them from him. They all got drafted into the Vietnam War because back in the 60s and 70s, public lynchings of minorities were less tolerated so the the government did the next best thing and sent their asses to war. Yes, it's a dick move. But it's an even bigger dick move to not do dick about it.

It's only when Xavier and the rest of the surviving X-men in the dystopian world of 2023 concoct the plan to send Wolverine back to the past to give his younger self a good kick in the ass. This in and of itself reeks of the same bullshit that made X3 such an infuriating subject for drunken X-men fans. In the same way Wolverine was forced into the main role that Cyclops should have had in X3, Wolverine is forced into the main role that Kitty Pryde should have had in X-men Days of Futures Past. At the very least, this time Kitty Pryde still plays a significant role. Unfortunately, she plays the role Rachel Grey should've played, but that's to be expected since Rachel Grey's parents were fucking killed. So from the beginning, this movie walks the same shit-stained path of X3.

However, it doesn't stay on that path. X-men Days of Futures Past actually relies less on shitty action and more on actual plot. There is a greater emphasis on making character moments that actually bring out a little emotion. The problem is those emotions still ring hollow. At no point in this movie does it make anyone forget just how badly the previous X-men movies were fucked. These emotions feel like nothing more than teases, like a stripper only pretending to take her top off. They never feel totally sincere.

That's not to say there isn't a concerted effort, but they leave me more confused than touched. Like why the fuck would Mystique get all weepy and teary-eyed over the deaths of Emma Frost, Azazel, or Banshee? There was absolutely no material in this movie or in X-men First Class to establish that she gave more than a partial fuck about them. I understand that they're all mutants and they're all supposed to be one big happy mutant brotherhood, but it's hard to take those emotions seriously when we have to just assume that Mystique, a character who has given fewer fucks than anyone in the X-men comics for the past decade, was actually really close to her teammates.

That's another thing that made me wish I snuck in another bottle of whiskey into the theater. A lot of the characters from X-men First Class were dead before this movie even began. Apparently, they had all been captured and subject to Nazi style torture by Bolivar Trask. No flashbacks. No teaser scene. They're all just dead and that's supposed to be what sets Mystique on the path to killing Trask, which somehow ushers in the dark and dangerous future that needs to be undone.

And that's yet another thing. Mystique is supposed to have killed Trask in 1973. And somehow THIS was supposed to be the trigger point. Yet in that time, the events of X1, X2, and X3 were able to transpire. Xavier said it himself. Trask's death is what kickstarted the Sentinel program. Yet his X-men, with all their power, did absolutely jack shit about it in all that time. The X-men are many things, but they're not nearly as inept as the fucking government. It lacks so many details, the least of which involves Bolivar Trask being alive and black in X2. Those are details that can be ignored in some circumstances, but this movie is trying to squeeze itself into the same universe as every other X-men movie. And therein lies the biggest flaw of X-men Days of Futures Past.

In Singer's effort to save his baby and his ego, he forgets that there are a fuckton of inconsistencies that should've made X-men First Class a reboot from the get go. 

First off, why the fuck is Bolivar Trask in X2, black, and not dead?

Second, how the fuck did Xavier and Magneto team up in X3 to recruit a young Jean Grey when they were clearly mortal enemies?

Third, how was Xavier able to walk when he met a young Jean Grey in X3 and still wield his telepathic powers when this movie established that so long as he took this drug to treat his legs, he couldn't use his telepathy?

Fourth, how is it that Xavier and Beast developed a serum that effectively suppressed their powers back in fucking 1973, yet they claimed they couldn't help mutants like Rogue or Cyclops, who couldn't control their powers?

Fifth, if a cure for mutant powers was developed that long ago, why the fuck was it such a big deal in X3?

Sixth, if Emma Frost is dead, then who the fuck was that same diamond-skinned woman in Wolverine Origins?

Seventh, if the Sentinels had working models as far back as 1973, why the fuck didn't they ever show up sooner? William Stryker knew about them. Yet he didn't bother using them when he attacked the X-men in X2?

Eighth, after Magneto demonstrates his power by taking an entire fucking football stadium and plop it down around the White House, how is it that Richard fucking Nixon, of all Presidents, basically shrugs his shoulders when Mystique decides to stop him? This is Richard Nixon, the man who began the drug war and spied on anyone who he couldn't make his bitch. Yet he's not paranoid enough to come up with some insane weapon to stop mutants like Magneto?

I could go on. There are so many inconsistencies in this movie that the idea that it takes place int he same universe as the other X-men movies makes no fucking sense, no matter how much LSD or weed anyone ingests. The only thing that can be said about this movie is that it did succeed in one important way. It completely undid the events of every other X-men movie, from X1 to The Wolverine. None of that shit happened. In the end, Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Professor Xavier are alive. Rogue is still at the school and not swapping spit with Iceman, hinting that her powers aren't cured. The Xavier Institute is still intact and Wolverine didn't turn into a complete fucking pussy by ditching the team to run off and hump Mariko Yashida. I admit this did make the movie feel satisfying. All these other X-men movies that I hated with the passion of a billion lit farts have officially been nullified. However, the same problems still persist.

Characters like Rogue are still horribly underdeveloped and utterly different from their entire history in the comics. Cyclops is still just the pretty boy who acts as an obstacle to Wolverine humping whoever he wants to hump at the moment. Jean Grey is still this passionless, dead-eyed barbie doll that exists only to turn Wolverine into Edward Cullen. Storm still lacks the grace and charisma that she's supposed to have because it doesn't jive with Halle Barry's acting style. And since Singer is staying on board, there's no reason to believe this shit will change, even with the complete reboot that this movie created.

So what more can I say about X-men: Days of Futures Past that I can't say while sober? In terms of comic book movies, this one has to be graded on a reverse curve because every other X-men movie sucks so horribly that it's impossible to compare it to other movies like the Avengers or Captain America: The Winter Soldier. But it did at least attempt to catch up to the new, refined style of comic book movies by undoing the shitty movies that came before it. 

However, it tried way too fucking hard to make X-men First Class fit into the same world. It would have been much easier and opened so many new doors to just say, "Fuck it, X-men First Class is a reboot." But Singer just had to undo the shit that fucked up his precious X2. I can't give this movie too high or too low a score in that respect. Right now, I'll give it a 5 out of 10 because while it still sucked when it came to details, it did succeed in what it was supposed to do. Now we can all just cheer that X3, Wolverine Origins, and The Wolverine officially didn't happen. Then we can look forward to Singer fucking up this new timeline. For that, I'm going to need way more whiskey when I go into the theaters to see X-men: Apocalypse. Nuff said!

X-men: Days of Futures Past - Decoding Whether It Will Suck

I've avoided talking about the upcoming X-men: Days of Futures Past movie on this blog and for good reason. Every time I start talking about the X-men movies, I get so worked up I need three shots of heroin just to keep the veins in my neck from exploding. I've made no secret of my sentiment towards the X-men movies. I think they all suck more balls than Jenna Jameson in her prime. But I know I can't ignore this shit. It's going to give off a shitty stench no matter what I say or don't say. But I wouldn't be much of an X-men fan and this wouldn't be much of a blog if I didn't at least mention this movie. And at the request of someone from The Hollywood Reporter, I think I have something I can share with my wonderful readers that doesn't involve a shot of heroin.

Longtime X-Men fans have bemoaned the fact that this summer’s X-Men: Days of Future Past sends Wolverine back in time to prevent a particularly dystopian future instead of Kitty Pryde, who served that role in the original comic version of the story. But what if there’s more going on than people suspected?

Read More At The Following Link:

'X-Men: Days of Future Past': Decoding CinemaCon's Time-Traveling Clip (Analysis)