Life, Living Weapons, and (Unlearned) Lessons: Weapon X #11

The following is my review of Weapon X #11, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There are certain narratives that can only offer so much novelty and shock value. Audiences can only see Captain America punch the Red Skull so many times before it loses its underlying impact. There's nothing inherently wrong with these stories. They can still be uniquely satisfying in their own sort of way. However, there comes a point where the novelty is so absent that the concept lacks any sense of tension.

When it comes to the Marvel Universe, there aren't many rules, written or otherwise, that don't get bent or broken at some point. The dead come back to life with almost as much regularity as Spider-Man's immature wisecracks. Villains become heroes and villains become heroes with the ease of changing car insurance providers. The malleability of Marvel, and comics as a whole, is part of what makes it so entertaining in the first place.

However, there are still a few rules carved into adamantium that rarely get broken. One such rule involves living weapons. It may as well be as ironclad as Deadpool's immaturity. Anyone who creates a living weapon will be unable to control it. It's as inevitable as the Hulk's mood swings. That still doesn't stop the forces Weapon H, the latest attempt to subvert the living weapons rule within the pages of the Weapon X comic.

In a sense, this attempt is the most ambitious effort to date to make a story about living weapons seem novel. It involves both the Hulk and Wolverine, two characters that Greg Pak has extensive experience writing. It plays to his strengths and the over-the-top destruction plays into Marc Borstel's strengths as an artist. Weapon X #11, which marks the conclusion of the Weapon H arc, has every necessary tool to succeed. The results are somewhat generic, but the conclusion is still satisfying.

Weapon H has an uphill battle from the beginning, but does plenty to set himself apart, even if he is a simple mix of Wolverine and Hulk type brutality. Like nearly every living weapon ever created in an X-men comic, Weapon H has a wannabe puppet-master in Dr. Alba. Having already gotten assistance from the likes of William Stryker, Dr. Alba establishes herself as the kind of callous, corrupt manipulator who is crazy enough to think she can buck the trend of living weapons turning violently on their creators. To her credit, though, she manages to accomplish more than most.

Her hold on Weapon H comes off as more complex than simple brainwashing, at first. For much of the Weapon H arc, as a whole, Dr. Alba proved herself to be more thorough than the typical Hydra spy or used car salesman. She places herself at the center of Weapon H's world, making it seem as though she's less a puppet-master and more a friend. Throughout the story, she presents herself as the only friend Weapon H has left whereas William Stryker sees him as just another blunt instrument to satisfy his thirst for mutant blood.

It's cunning and it helps create a solid backstory around Weapon H, whose identity remains somewhat guarded. However, he is shown to have a civilian life. Like the Hulk and Wolverine, there is a man behind the monster. While that man makes his share of questionable decisions, especially being a special ops soldier who gets involved with a living weapons program, he does make clear that he values his humanity. He shows that he's not quite as eager to throw that away, which is something Logan can't always claim.

However, whatever complexity the man behind Weapon H may have, much of that gets undercut when Dr. Alba resorts to using the kind of outdated control methods that failed miserably with Wolverine and everyone like him since the late 70s. Not surprisingly, she still can't make anyone who values their humanity to willingly become a living weapon. She ends up resorting to hypnotic suggestions and a mind control serum. That may occasionally work in a bad CIA movie, but against the Hulk, that's akin to giving Deadpool unlimited amounts of tacos and napalm.

It still makes for some brutal, Hulk-level action that Borstel's art brings to life nicely. However, it never gets too brutal, primarily because Old Man Logan and his Weapon X crew don't let that happen. To some extent, that does limit the impact of the action. There's never a sense that the brutality has some sort of price beyond property damage. Unless insurance premiums are sentient, nobody suffers beyond the utter terror that comes with seeing a monster that blends the Hulk and Wolverine.

Even if the action is generic, the way the conflict gets resolved still feels satisfying and carries with it a fair amount of drama. While the method by which Weapon H regains control of his faculties are somewhat predictable, the way he deals with his situation is probably the healthiest way any living weapon can cope. He doesn't suffer the kind of violent, blood-rage breakdown that Wolverine seems to endure every other week. What he does is actually consistent with that of a soldier who understands what that role entails.

This is what gives Weapon X #11 more staying power, beyond simply resolving the Weapon H arc and bringing yet another living weapon into the Marvel universe. It creates a character in Weapon H, or Hulkverine as he's also called, who has something to offer that goes beyond the standard narratives that Wolverine and the Hulk have been telling since the Cater Administration.

Weapon H may be the latest in a long line of failed living weapons, but he establishes his own unique character and story. He's not like Wolverine and Sabretooth in that he's not a mutant. He's not like Bruce Banner either in that he's not a scientist with anger management problems. He's a soldier, but the complexity Pak establishes in previous issues help set him apart.

In doing so, the way in which Weapon H ends the conflict has a sense of dramatic weight. It also lays a foundation for more stories involving this character. Even if he is a basic blend of Hulk and Wolverine, that blend is still pretty potent. Like putting a fresh coat of paint over a new car, there's still plenty of appeal with Weapon H.

That, in essence, is Weapon X #11's greatest accomplishment. It doesn't just give Old Man Logan and his team of Weapon X outcasts another victory in the never-ending war against people who still think living weapons are a good idea. It creates a character in Weapon H that is worth rooting for and caring about. Even in a world where there are multiple Hulks and multiple Wolverines, it makes clear that there's still a place for someone like Weapon H. In the same way a world can never have too much chocolate or free donuts, it can never have too many compelling Hulk/Wolverine characters.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

A Larger Legacy: Wolverines #1

The following is my review of Wolverines #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Certain people can never be replaced. There can be no Beatles without John Lennon. There can be no Nirvana without Kurt Cobain. There can be no Saved By The Bell without Screech. That doesn’t stop some from trying, but those attempts can never live up to the original. Like Steve Young trying to replace Joe Montana or Arron Rogers trying to replace Brett Favre, fans will always come up with new shortcomings. And if they can’t, they'll imagine a few because it’s often a coping mechanism.

The death of Wolverine is not quite the same as the death of Kurt Cobain or Brett Favre’s retirement, but he’s a character that casts the biggest shadow in all of X-men. There’s no denying his history and his legacy. No other character has had quite the impact. No other character can say they made Hugh Jackman a household name. And no other character can say they survived two terrible solo movies and still found a way to stay awesome. So how does a legacy like that continue?

In a ways, the X-men are already at an advantage. They have already shown that they can still function without Wolverine. Even Wolverine himself is at an advantage because he had so many supporting characters, ranging from friends like Jubilee to enemies who wanted to bathe in his blood like Lady Deathstrike. There is sufficient manpower to fill that void, but, his legacy still leaves a big void that has to be filled at some point. Wolverines #1 is the first concerted effort at this feat. It’s every bit as daunting as the challenges Steve Young and Aaron Rogers faced, but the results are promising in some unexpected ways.

Wolverine’s story did not end with his death. In fact, his death served as a catalyst for a larger story involving characters affected by Weapon X. Some of these characters are intimately familiar with Wolverine, in some cases literally. Others are brand new characters who constitute a devil’s reject type cast of Weapon X characters. And all these characters have to come together in this story. On paper, it sounds chaotic and messy. But when put into practice, it works with surprising efficiency.

The ability of these characters and this story to fill the void left by Wolverine doesn’t necessarily come from their history or the scope of the conflicts they face. It comes from the extent to which these characters display a unique level of depth. They’ve all been affected by Wolverine’s death. Some have been affected by other events, such as Avengers and X-men: AXIS. These collective effects are what brought them into this conflict. Now, they have to work together to resolve it.

And they’re not exactly doing this in the spirit of honoring Wolverine’s memory either. The new Weapon X characters that were introduced in wake of Wolverine’s death each have knowledge of special words that can kill Sabretooth, Lady Deathstrike, Daken, Mystique, and X-23 in a single breath. It’s the ultimate leverage that doesn’t involve being friends with Tony Soprano. It’s also fitting in that it’s the exact kind of conflict Wolverine often got caught up in time and again. It really does feel like they’re trying to fill his shoes, albeit under the threat of sudden death.

The conflict itself is also fitting in that it brings all these characters back to where Wolverine’s life ended. It feels like a direct continuation of the story that led to his death, not missing a beat even as a whole host of new and unknown characters enter the picture. It feels like these characters are just one bad joke away from maiming each other, but for the moment they’re a team with a common goal. They even have a common enemy in Sinister, who has also hired the Wrecking Crew to help provide the standard Wolverine-level violence. It essentially forces them to stop being so vindictive and bitter so they can function. It has the feel of an overly violent reality show that isn’t staged and doesn’t cause significant brain damage.

Even though violence is as part of any conflict involving Wolverine, this is secondary for much of the story. There’s much more effort put into establishing who these characters are and how they carry themselves in a world where Wolverine is dead. It sounds like one of those fruitless endeavors, like trying to make Adam Sandler’s last three movies watchable. But somehow, it works. Characters like Lady Deathstrike and Daken are in an unfamiliar position, living in a world where they’re not defined by their hatred of Wolverine. It helps give them some new dynamics as characters. These dynamics aren’t fully explored, but the door has been opened.

That’s not to say there still isn’t room for the gratuitous violence that accompanies many Wolverine stories. Blood is still shed. Limbs are still ripped off. Eyes are still gouged out. And this is just some of the stuff Mr. Sinister does without breaking a sweat. It’s the kind of violence that would be inappropriate in an Archie comic, but it works perfectly in a Wolverine comic. Even though he’s dead, this still feels like a real Wolverine comic. He may be dead, or at least as dead as the nature of comics will allow him, but his story is still unfolding.

This is the biggest accomplishment of Wolverines #1. It continues Wolverine’s story and his legacy in a way that’s compelling and meaningful. It does get a little crowded with so many characters and the pacing does feel somewhat choppy since it builds on stories that came from other comics. But it’s a story that has the right setting, the right cast of characters, the right circumstances, and the right amount of violence. If it were a cup of coffee, Starbucks would grossly overcharge for and it would still be worth it. In many ways, that is the best way to honor Wolverine’s memory.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverines #1

Having a great legacy is like having a big penis. Many men seek it, few achieve it, and those that do cast a large shadow. Those that attempt to honor that legacy within that massive phallic shadow have a lot to live up to. I believe Steve Young was constantly measuring his dick every day after he took over for Joe Montana on the 49ers. He may still do it to this day, if only to assure himself that he can wear briefs without shame. Anybody attempting to carry on Wolverine’s legacy will have plenty of measuring to do. But in wake of his death, that’s exactly what a group of friends and enemies (mostly enemies) must do. And if I were them, I’d be stuffing my pants with rolls of quarters already.

Wolverine is dead, at least for now. But his legacy left a lot of unresolved conflicts. Now it’s up to Mystique, X-23, Daken, Lady Deathstrike, and an inverted Sabretooth to finish the job. Not all of them liked Wolverine. Some of them slept with him. Some of them dedicated a good chunk of their lives to killing him. But for reasons that can only be attributed to confusion and boredom, they’ve taken it upon themselves to carry on. Wolverines #1 is the beginning of that journey and like Steve Young, they need to earn the right to have their legacy be part of his. And it can’t just be accomplished with loose underwear and lots of whiskey either.

That’s not to say that a team of pro-bowlers can’t help. They’ve already got a mission and they’ve drafted a few newcomers to the team as well in Shogun, Neuro, Endo, Skel, and Junk. These are all basically Weapon X cast-offs, the late round draft picks that nobody wants. They want help from Wolverine’s frenemies to get the fuck out of the Weapon X business once and for all and they’re not afraid to use these special “control words” that kill them instantly. It’s like a team-up/hostage situation. Basically, it’s like every team-up that ever involved Deadpool.

This new team continues a story that has been unfolding in the aftermath of the Death of Wolverine for a while now. So it’s only fitting in a sense that this new struggle begins where Wolverine’s life ended. These two teams that could kill each other at any moment end up at the same base in Nevada where Wolverine met his end. It’s a shitty place to be right now. It’s like John Lennon’s tomb for Beatles fans. But this is where they’re going to find what they’re looking for.

What they’re looking for isn’t clear at first, but there’s a distinct mood amongst the team. None of them come off as heroes and none of them trust each other. They treat each other the same way co-stars treat Shia Lebouf. They work together and tolerate each other, but they make clear that they’re willing to murder each other the moment they have a reason. This same mood also highlights some recent changes in certain characters, most notably Sabretooth, who is still inverted from the events of AXIS. Few still buy him being a hero, but being inverted might actually help this situation because aside from X-23, there aren’t many other heroes. We don’t need a team of assholes carrying on Wolverine’s legacy. Anyone who wants to root for a team of assholes can just stick to rooting for the Dallas Cowboys.

Despite all the tension and bad blood between these characters, they still come off as a coherent team with a common goal. And remarkably, they don’t immediately give each other reasons to kill each other. In fact, they end up getting a very good reason to work together because before entering the base, they see the Wrecking Crew showing up. It’s not exactly Dr. Doom and an army of Doombots, but it is a complication that is best resolved with claws. Given their connections to Wolverine, it’s a good way to honor his memory.

The teams enter the ruins of the base before the Wrecking Crew can arrive, if only to give them time to sharpen their claws. This also gives them time to have a few interesting chats along the way. It may sound out of place, but it actually helps provide additional depth to who these characters are, something that many Wolverine comics overlook with a typical, “Let’s not and say we did,” approach. And with some of these characters being so new and/or inverted, it’s important to establish their personalities.

That’s not to say these characters get the depth of a Stanley Kubrick movie, but the interactions help establish a sense of dynamics, even among those such as Sabretooth and Lady Deathstrike. It even gives the new guys a chance to bust the balls of the experienced Wolverine-haters. Sabretooth may be inverted, but Lady Deathstrike has no such excuse. Now that Wolverine’s dead, she has to find a new reason for existing that doesn’t involve looking hot in a kimono. It’s something to think about, but none of them get much time because the Wrecking Crew does eventually catch up with them. It’s still a Wolverine comic. At some point, someone has to start breaking shit.

The Wrecking Crew are basically playing the part of killer robots/Nazis. But their presence is still secondary compared to what’s going on with the characters. Those such as X-23 and Daken are already established. We know their personalities. One is a messed up clone/teenage girl who has a thing for time-displaced X-men. The other is Wolverine’s even more fucked up son who will fuck anything with a pulse. But they both carry themselves in a serious, genuine way that we didn’t see with their first encounter. Granted, they’re not trying to kill each other this time, but it still feels like progress.

That progress turns to results when they finally find what they’re looking for. Fittingly enough, it’s the adamantium casing that is Wolverine’s unofficial tomb. He’s still in the exact same state he was during his death. Now his enemies and friends and a few assholes that he would’ve beat up in between drinking binges are after it. Something about that just feels so right. It couldn’t have been more fitting without someone bringing a case of beer.

So now it’s clear what everyone is after. Wolverine’s dead adamantium-covered body is still very valuable, if only as a centerpiece for a shrine where pretty redheads get in free. It’s not clear how this is the key to helping these new Weapon X rejects. They all clearly have enough problems. One of them, Endo, actually tries to get advice from Mystique about holding herself together. And if someone is looking to Mystique for advice, then that’s a bad sign. That’s like going to MC Hammer for investment advice. It’s another instance of these characters who are one bad joke away from murdering each other getting a little personality. It’s a nice touch, but the arrival of the Wrecking Crew fucks that up. However, they do so in the most appropriate way possible.

There’s a time and a place for good character development. But there’s also a time and a place for mindless violence. Since this comic isn’t a Michael Bay movie, the mindless violence is fitting because it doesn’t feel like it dominates the story. The Wrecking Crew are just the guys with matches lighting the firecrackers. It helps get Wolverine’s frienemies and the Weapon X rejects into a more uncomfortable situation. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. No awesome story ever came from comfortable circumstances. This isn’t a reality show featuring douche-bag rich kids complaining about a dig in their BMW. This is a fucking Wolverine comic and the action helps give it that feel. Someone at Fox better be taking notes from this shit.

But the Wrecking Crew on their own cannot provide the kind of visceral action that will soak the panties of mourning Wolverine fans. That’s fair because they always have been a semi-pro team and/or the Cleveland Browns of bad guys. So who could provide a sufficient “We’re fucked” moment? How about Mr. Sinister? Saying that name, which has a history of fucking up a great many characters not named Wolverine, should get some excited. But seeing him show up just as X-23 and Daken find Wolverine’s body should require a fresh pair of panties.

It turns out Sinister was the one that hired the Wrecking Crew. He likes to work smart and not hard. That means getting asshole henchmen like the Wrecking Crew to do some of the dirty work so that he can claim his prize and carry himself in ways that would make a pimp cry tears of joy. He’s at the top of a very short list of characters who can use Wolverine’s body for more than just a pretty conversation piece in a Japanese massage parlor. That makes his arrival the perfect, “Fuck yeah!” moment in this comic.

It’s still not enough for Sinister to just show up and laugh his ass off while his enemies and fans collectively shit themselves. He has to go the extra mile because he’s fucking Sinister, both in name and in action. So rather than start small by desecrating Wolverine’s body with non-alcoholic beer or balls of Cyclops’ pubic hair, he rips Daken’s arm off and rips an eye out. Let me say that again just so it’s understood. Sinister ripped off Daken’s arm and tore out one of his eyes. And he did it with a smile that would make Freddy Kruger himself tremble. It’s as awesome and brutal as it sounds. Now why would he need to do this? Does he really need a reason? He’s fucking Sinister. Like Chuck Norris, his badass name is the only reason he needs.

X-23 does her best to wipe that grin off Sinister’s face, but she might as well be giving an ethics lesson to Gordon Gecko. He ends up tossing her aside like a used condom at a brothel and leaves with both Wolverine’s body and Daken’s dismembered body parts. It’s brutal, but he still finds a way to do it like a motherfucking boss. He leaves behind a very bloody and very uncomfortable Daken. It’s at this point X-23 reveals Daken doesn’t have his healing factor so this isn’t exactly something he can walk off. Even so, I’ll still bet this sort of thing gives Daken a boner somehow.

This issue hit the ground running, throwing all these Wolverine-esque characters into the fire in the same way I throw hot sauce on a plate of chicken wings. It should’ve become a mindless slaughter, as many of Wolverine’s battles often do. But that didn’t happen here. There was actually a concerted effort at giving each character depth and mixing some personal moments into the expected slaughter. Sure, it got gratuitous once guys started losing eyes and limbs. That may be inappropriate in a My Little Pony comic, but it works perfectly in a Wolverine-inspired story.

This issue felt like a genuine, sincere continuation of Wolverine’s legacy. He may be dead (or as dead as anyone can be in comics these days), but his story is still continuing. And it’s continuing in a compelling way. He’s got friends and enemies looking to continue his battles and it’s actually presented in a way that feels exciting, intriguing, and fun. How can it not be when it involves Daken getting a limb ripped off? The pacing is a little erratic, but not to the point where it has to be read sober. That’s why I give Wolverines #1 gets an 8 out of 10. I still miss Wolverine. But if his death means there are still those prepared to carry out his legacy of brutality and depravity, then I think it’s safe to say Wolverine can rest in peace…or at least for as long as Marvel allows him to rest.

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #10

There are some things that men are inherently petrified of and for most of human history, religion and government have conspired to exploit those fears, sometimes with the help of big business. Chief among those fears involves women. And no, I’m not talking about the mysterious workings of the female orgasm or the innate discomfort men endure whenever a woman discusses her period. I’m talking about the overwhelming fear that in some dark meeting place in some remote location, the women of the world conspire to use every man’s boner against him. It’s paralyzing, knowing that women can control men by simply controlling their penises. I personally have much more pressing fears, namely my landlord and the DEA. But I admit this fear has crossed my mind a few times. Yet it’s because of that fear that the concept of an all-female team of supervillains is so awesome. That team has been assembling for the past few issues in Brian Wood’s X-men. And X-men #10 promises to put that team one step closer to turning every man’s penis into a puppet string. In other words, be afraid men with working balls. Be very afraid.

Considering how chaotic and disorganized the previous issue was, it’s nice to get a quick recap from the perspective of Lady Deathstrike, who kicked up this shit storm from the beginning. The basic details are simple, but important to recall. Lady Deathstrike took over the body of a rich Columbian woman with a nice ass named Ana Cortes. She tried to break into the Jean Grey Institute to learn more about Arkea, the crazy primordial sister of John Sublime. She managed to obtain a sample of Arkea from Emora the Enchantress and even gave Akrea a new body with her assistant Reiko. And in return for serving Arkea, they would get some kick-ass cybernetic upgrades. It’s not completely unreasonable. I’m sure there are plenty of men and women alike who would sell their souls to Mephisto himself to get the latest iPhone a year in advance.

This recap helps add some context to Monet, who got her ass kicked by the Enchantress in the previous issue. She found out that hard way that perfection only goes so far against magic, especially when it’s being wielded by a hot blond demigod with a great rack and a pussy boner for Thor. She got roughed up so badly that she was declared dead by the authorities in Dubai, who I guess were on a coffee break from arresting rape victims who reported their crimes. I wish that shit actually happens. But Monet doesn’t have to deal with Middle Eastern justice. She is awakened by Gabriel Sheppard, who has been assisting the X-women since the Sisterhood returned. He helps her recover her balance, but not her pride. He also takes it upon himself to ensure that Akrea doesn’t spread like the clap at Flavor Flav’s birthday party. He’s basically a glorified janitor for the X-women. I think radical feminists everywhere will give their tentative seal of approval for this moment.

Monet then meets up with Storm and the rest of the X-women, who are still trying to track down spikes in Arkea’s activity. They’re the ones that put her down before so they’ve taken it upon themselves to deal with her again, even though she has made friends with a fucking Asgardian. And now they have Monet helping them. She adds a bit of muscle, but beyond that it helps solidify her new role with the team.

It’s easy to forget after a few too many bong hits that she only recently came back to the X-men and admits she hasn’t exactly been using her time wisely. I take that to mean she spent too much time in overpriced spas and watching Downtown Abby rather than helping her fellow X-men save the world. It has been a while since Monet has had this kind of role and while I think she’s basically the Kristen Stewart of the X-men at the moment, it’s nice to see that she’s willing to put the extra effort into being part of the team again.

With Monet adding her knack for perfection to the X-men’s arsenal, Arkea understands something that the rest of the Sisterhood can’t seem to wrap their heads around. Pissing off the X-men is a bad idea. It’s like beating up on a polar bear’s cub and stealing their food. Even for someone as powerful as Akrea, she understands that the Sisterhood needs to be more resourceful if they’re to stand a chance. She also makes it clear that she’s the alpha female of this team at the moment. Lady Deathstrike, Typhoid Mary, and Enchantress bitch about it at first, but Arkea makes it clear that she has the plan and the resources necessary to turn that angry polar bear against the X-men. And if they want to be around to see it, they need to quit their bitching and obey her. There’s something very S&M about her attitude, but neither I nor my penis will argue with results.

The X-men still have allies of their own, namely John Sublime. He’s the one that initially warned the X-men about Arkea and he’s the one that helped them defeat her. It would have been perfectly fine if that was the extent of his role, but for some reason there has to be this fucked up romantic sub-plot between him and Rachel Grey. This is what really left me scratching my head with the previous issue and for once it wasn’t because I was in withdrawal. At no point in this series or any previous X-men series did Rachel and Sublime flirt, kiss, or even make dirty jokes to one another. Yet they talk to each other like two people who have been going out on dates, dry humping in the back seat of a car, and texting naked pictures of themselves to one another on a weekly basis. Maybe this shit all happened off-panel, but even if it did it has absolutely no emotional resonance.

I know I’m basically repeating the same criticism I had in X-men #9, but the same goddamn problem persists in this issue. Why the fuck would Rachel Grey have any sort of inclination to John Sublime or vice versa? Granted, Rachel has Jean Grey’s rack and Cyclops’s sex appeal, but to portray them as a serious love interest is like Adam Sandler trying to play a part in an M. Night Shyamalan movie. It doesn’t work and it isn’t compelling in the slightest. I’m okay with love interests forming in any comic, but only if there’s some actual fucking development.

The conversation with Rachel and Sublime was a complete waste of time. Storm and Monet’s next lead on the Sisterhood wasn’t much better. But at least they got to dive out of a moving jet and hang out on a fancy yacht owned by Lady Deathstrike’s meat puppet, Ana Cortes. They claim they tracked Akrea’s single to the ship, but they find jack shit when they arrive. So really it accomplishes almost as much as Sublime and Rachel’s overly contrived relationship. It just shows that the X-women are still failing miserably to track the Sisterhood. At least their actions make some fucking sense.

Speaking of strategies that make sense, Arkea makes it clear that she has a bold and downright crazy plan to deal with the X-women and it doesn’t involve using Cyclops’s penis. Now safe within another Sisterhood hideout, she makes good use of the information that Lady Deathstrike stole from the Jean Grey Institute by finding a few familiar females that also have an incentive to horribly maim the X-men. And she wants to bring both of them into the Sisterhood. But who could be powerful enough or dangerous enough to take on the X-men? How about Madelyne Pryor and fucking Selene Gallio, the Goblin Queen and the Black Queen.

So now we know who this whole resurrection plot is referring to. I suspected that Madelyne Pryor would be a strong candidate, but Selene? Fuck, that’s like adding napalm and gasoline to a fire. It’s so awesome and dangerous that even the Sisterhood has reservations about bringing them aboard. These are two women that have a history of trying to unleash zombie hoards and make deals with demons. Then again, I suspect the same for some of my ex-girlfriends so maybe they’re tapping into just the right kind of womanpower. It’s enough to evoke both fear and excitement from the brain to the genitals.

Sadly, we don’t get to see Akrea and the Sisterhood recruit the Goblin Queen and the Black Queen back from the dead. Instead, we only see some of the younger X-men, as led by Jubilee, hanging out on a nice tropical beach. But they’re not there to work on their tan or take pictures of topless sunbathers. At the end of the previous issue, Akrea did a little something extra to keep the X-men busy. She reactivated a bunch of rusted old Sentinels that were withering away on the ocean floor. They’re even coordinating with Omega Sentinel, who also is trying to establish herself in the X-men like Monet. She’s just playing it on easy mode by going after the Sentinels.

And they do eventually arrive. The Sentinels show up on the beach like a shark attack, but they’re still old and rusted. So the prospect of the young X-men fighting them doesn’t give the impression that they’re in a lot of danger. They’ve got plenty of firepower and training to take down these things. It’s not just playing the game on easy mode. They might as well be using cheat codes. I would much rather see the Goblin Queen and the Black Queen showing up on the final page. Instead, I only see another Sentinel attack. It’s like watching a rerun of my favorite porno after I’ve jerked off. It really doesn’t do much other than remind me I need to wait a while before the real fun can begin.

This issue didn’t bring a whole lot of new developments to the table, but it did move the story forward in a more concise manner. It also revealed who would be resurrected to join the Sisterhood and the prospect of Madelyne Pryor and Selene Gallio joining the fray is just too awesome for my penis to articulate. Even though we don’t get to see them, the mere possibility that those two could join an already bonerific team of villainous women makes this issue worth-while. However, the WTF involved in the Rachel Grey/John Sublime sub-plot and the rusted old Sentinels attacking a beach just fell flat. It’s not going to keep me from getting excited about the future of this series. But it only allows me to give X-men #10 a 5 out of 10. Two more dangerous women who look awesome in a thong are about join the Sisterhood. On behalf of my penis and all men who admire devious women, I say thank you Marvel. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #9

I don’t pretend to have too ambitious an agenda. All the weed and booze make setting an agenda akin to juggling knives while trying to pleasure my girlfriend. But I’ve seen and experienced enough agendas to know that on some levels, it always comes back to trying to screw someone over. Some are more vindictive than others. Some are just crazier than others. I’m not sure how crazy Lady Deathstrike is in the pages of Brian Wood’s adjectiveless X-men. The X-men have really fucked her up in the past, making it so she had to do some body jumping, Doc Ock style to keep living. So her desire to screw over the X-men isn’t really an agenda as much as it is a normal reflex. But that agenda is still somewhat ambiguous. I’m hoping it becomes clearer with X-men #9 because in my experience, beautiful women with an agenda are those special stories that terrify and arouse me at the same time. It’s awkward, but still pretty awesome.

I still can’t say that watching the X-women play the part of CSI investigators does much for my penis. But it does continue the story that began with Lady Deathstrike. Now in the body of a wealthy Latina woman named Anna Cortez who looks surprisingly similar to Rosario Dawson, she has the body and the resources to fuck with the X-men again. Since she already attacked them, Rachel Grey decides to interrogate John Sublime again. Because for some reason she thinks he fits into this shit somehow. It’s not completely unreasonable given his history, but what is unreasonable is the strangely implied innuendo between them.
Now I’m not talking about the kind of innuendo that is similar to how most pornos begin. I’m talking about the kind that’s more overt than even the shittiest romantic comedies. There haven’t been a lot of hints dropped or even any real chemistry, yet there seems to be a working assumption that John Sublime has somehow won a place in Rachel Grey’s panties. I don’t know if I got blackout drunk and missed a couple issues, but this makes no fucking sense and doesn’t contribute a damn thing to the story. All it does is put Sublime in a position to realize that his deranged sister, Akrea, is back. And I think there were easier ways to do that shit than imply he makes Rachel all tingly in certain places.

Unlike any innuendo between Rachael and Sublime, the re-appearance of Arkea is a big fucking deal. The last time the X-women dealt with her, they almost resorted to killing Omega Sentinel. Between her and Lady Deathstrike, the X-women are in need of backup and Sabra brings help. And for once, that help actually has a penis. But angry feminazis need not worry. He’s not there to solve all their problems. Monet is still the heavy hitter in this arc. First, they find out the last place Arkea fucked up has already been razed and will likely be turned into a Starbucks. Next, they find out that Lady Deathstrike has just entered Dubai, a place full of high end shopping, obscenely expensive real estate, and blatant labor exploitation. It’s basically the perfect place for an over-privileged foreigner with a homicidal woman possessing her body.

Armed with this wealth and a blatant disregard for controlled spending, Lady Deathstrike set up a lab called the Body Shoppe in Dubai. It’s basically a place where disembodied minds and tweak their new bodies to their heart’s content and do it in a place with warm weather and pristine beaches. She brings Typhoid Mary and Enchantress, who they recruited in the previous issue, with her. She also has a fragment of the Arkea meteorite, which she also retrieved from the previous issue. It may seem like overkill, recruiting both Enchantress and Arkea, but there can be no such thing for Lady Deathstrike. This is a woman who fucked up her own body just so she could fuck with her enemies. She’s willing to go the extra mile or hundred if need be.

That doesn’t make the decision to use Arkea any less questionable. As soon as she gives the meteorite to Reiko, her assistant, Arkea makes herself right at home in a new host. It’s not even a struggle. She just jumps aboard and is basically the same deranged, disembodied hunk of pond scum that was introduced in the first arc. It’s as inane and unexciting as it sounds. It would have been nice to show a little variety. It’s as if Arkea doesn’t even remember how the X-women fucked her up in the previous arc. She’s just enjoying a new body. She doesn’t even try to play nice with the Sisterhood and starts fucking with all the fancy gadgets that Lady Deathstrike bought with some rich Latina woman’s money.

While it has been enjoyable seeing the Sisterhood expand their ranks, Arkea essentially does a lot of the same shit that happened earlier. And it’s not like she was a great villain to begin with. All she did was crash on Earth and feel the sudden urge to wipe out all life as if it were a mild rectal itch. She has none of the depth and history that Lady Deathstrike or Typhoid Mary have. There isn’t even an effort to build that kind of history. It’s disappointing that she now is joining a cast of much more developed characters. I think I’ve seen enough of Arkea at this point to determine that she’s not a very interesting character and my penis agrees with me for once.

Despite Akrea’s bland backstory, she does bring something to the table for Lady Deathstrike and her team. She tries to befriend Arkea and asks that she help enhance them. She’s not referring to boob jobs and lip injections either. They found out in the previous issue that they’re still woefully unequipped to take on the X-men. And Arkea has plenty of incentive to fuck with the X-men so why not help each other? They’re both disembodied women looking to fuck with the non-disembodied men and women who made them disembodied in the first place. It makes perfect sense from a motivational standpoint, but practically speaking, it would take more than a few bong hits. The Sisterhood don’t even know Arkea that well and they’re willing to trust her with their bodies? There are porn stars auditioning for jobs at unlicensed modeling agencies with more common sense than that.

They don’t get a chance to become sorority sisters though. The X-women have already been tracking Lady Deathstrike’s new persona and they’ve traced her to the fancy Dubai building. That gives Monet a non-moving target, which she gets to in record time. She then makes herself at home the same way Led Zeppelin made themselves at home in hotel rooms after a few rounds of hard liquor. She hits them hard and does plenty of property damage. She’s supposed to be perfect at everything so that naturally extends to wrecking expensive real estate run by their enemies. But wrecking the place doesn’t get the job done. Arkea is still able to do some enhancements and it’s not nearly as messy as Weapon X either.

The first one to benefit is Enchantress, who was basically a neutered dog. Odin stripped her of her powers and her ability to keep cock-teasing Thor. She naturally didn’t like that and jumped at the chance to get her powers back with the Sisterhood. And Akrea is able to deliver in a way that is poorly explained, but nicely demonstrated. Since Monet is such a powerhouse, who better than an Asgardian to take her down a peg? It makes sense even if it isn’t well-developed.

As Enchantress keeps Monet occupied, Akrea and Lady Deathstrike try to hatch a new plan. It involves finding more angry superpowered women to join their ranks. Arkea, having already spent some quality time in the Jean Grey Institute’s systems, has more than her share of information on who would love to blow up the school. Armed with that information, she uses some of the hardware that Lady Deathstrike has acquired to make use of that information. It makes sense in the same way it makes sense to befriend an ex-boyfriend’s best friend. It makes for a special kind of pwnage.

At the same time, the X-women just happen to realize that Akrea is probably allying herself with their enemies. It makes for a somewhat choppy narrative. John Sublime is still trembling at the danger his sister can cause and basically warns the X-women about how dangerous she is, just as he did in the first arc. Again, it’s basically the same fucking plot with Arkea. There’s nothing new or interesting about her. She just happens to surround herself with other characters who are already interesting. And that’s basically the same as a cheat code in a video game.

So the rest of the X-women decide to go after the Sisterhood in full force. At the same time, Monet is getting her ass kicked by the Enchantress. She’s a fucking goddess for a reason and not just because she has a rack worthy of one. Since Arkea managed to get around Odin’s little trick, Enchantress is able to beat Monet. On paper, a battle between Monet and Enchantress should be the kind of thing that makes my penis smile in a very special way. But when put into practice, it’s horribly unepic. There’s nothing memorable about it, even when read sober. It’s also poorly detailed. It’s not clear of Enchantress flat out snaps Monet’s neck or if she just renders her unconscious. It’s one of those scenes that forces too many assumptions and for anyone reading this issue after a few shots of tequila, that’s more confusing enough to trigger a bar fight.

It also makes for a decidedly unexciting end the issue. With Monet now down for the count and the X-women still on their way, there’s not much else to show. Arkea continues to rally more of the X-men’s enemies and that includes some old discarded Sentinels. Because it’s not like Sentinels were used in a major plot in another book like Wolverine and the X-men or a big event like X-men Battle of the Atom. Oh wait, that’s probably a bad example. But that’s basically what is used here and it’s as exciting as it sounds. It’s like the opposite to an ending of an episode of Breaking Bad. There’s nothing about it that generates intrigue about the next issue. That doesn’t mean the next issue won’t be awesome, but nobody is going to be biting off their fingers in anticipation.

This story left me with mixed feelings and not just in my penis. This issue moved things forward, but in a way that was about as exciting as watching Glenn Beck find a new way to make himself look foolish. It’s entertaining, but brings nothing new to the table. The Sisterhood is continuing to expand and Akrea is back causing trouble. But beyond that, the story isn’t going to soak anyone’s panties. And this strange sub-plot with Rachel and John Sublime just makes no fucking sense. I’m not against at least one of the X-women on this all-female team having issues involving a guy, but John fucking Sublime? It would have made more sense if it involved Edward fucking Cullen. But that was still a minor sub-plot. This series and this arc has plenty going for it. There just wasn’t much progression in this issue. I give X-men #9 a 5 out of 10. There are so many ways a story about a team of evil women can entertain and titillate. Only a few of those ways have been realized so far, but my penis and I are hopeful that more will follow. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #8

When it comes to being devious and evil, I agree with the feminists for once. Women are every bit as capable as men. Not having a penis does not prevent anyone from torturing and maiming others while dancing to Kids Bop music. That’s not to say there aren’t some variations. Like shopping for clothes and choosing a shade of paint for the living room, women have a different approach. So it makes sense to explore their approach in a series that focuses on all the major X-men who don’t have a penis. Brian Wood’s adjectiveless X-men has kept the testosterone to a minimum since he began this series. Now he’s in the process of introducing some estrogen powered evil with a new Sisterhood of Mutants. He already brought Lady Deathstrike and Typhoid Mary into the mix. How much more sinister can he get? Is it enough to give feminazis a pussy boner? I’ll be the judge of that with my review of X-men #8.

That’s not to say that Brain Wood has given up on giving male fans traditional boners. Why else would the story pick up with Psylocke chasing down an intruder in a tank top and shorts? It’s as sexy as it sounds. Plus, she’s wielding a katana. For some reason, that makes her even more sexy. She coordinates with Rachel Grey, who apparently sleeps in her uniform if she even sleeps at all. They don’t know who would be stupid enough to break into the Jean Grey Institute, but they apparently know what they’re after. Psylocke finds the intruder in the mainframe room, most likely stealing Kid Omega’s internet porn stash. It makes for a nice sexy chase, but sadly it doesn’t pan out as most lesbian pornos do. The intruder, who happens to be Typhoid Mary, gets away and Psylocke decides that since she’s probably not going to get any more sleep tonight, she goes after her.

While Psylocke prepares to exercise her ninja skills in a way that will probably trigger more boners for male readers, Rachel reveals that the intruder stole the Box, a very badly named thing that apparently holds all their sensitive files. It’s like a bunch of Nigerian scammers stealing all the bank account numbers and pin numbers for a certain bank. It’s bound to cause a lot of damage. And Psylocke also makes it clear to Rachel that she needs to keep Storm in the loop. That may sound reasonable, but Rachel and Storm have been getting along about as well as Cowboy fans and Eagles fans lately. The whole setup of this all-female X-men team is still in flux and Rachel Grey isn’t exactly on board with Storm’s leadership after what happened with Omega Sentinel. And sadly, they’re not going to resolve these issues with nude oil wrestling.

As Psylocke tracks the intruder, Rachel Grey has to call in an old favor from John Sublime and not the sexy kind either. She tells him that the Jean Grey Institute had a break-in. I doubt he was surprised. Hell, I doubt he would have been surprised if he found out someone blew up the institute again. But she adds that among the shit that was stolen was a sample of his sister, Arkea, who took over Omega Sentinel and had a pussy boner for wiping out all life on Earth. It was actually the first mission this all-female X-men team had so it offers some nice connection to the rest of the series. However, that connection might be too concise because when Rachel calls, he happens to be meeting with Lady Deathstrike. He’s kind of an ass is what I’m saying.

And that’s a bit of an issue because there have been some vague hints that Rachel Grey might be looking to jump Sublime’s bone. They have been very poor hints that are more devoid of chemistry than Kristen Stewart’s acting. I get being subtle, but there comes a point where subtlety just become bullshit. I expect that from politicians, traffic cops, and probation officers. I don’t expect or enjoy that in comics. And like I said, Sublime is kind of a dick. He’s rubbing shoulders with Lady Deathstrike and not in the fun way either.

I’m really not sure why he’s even meeting with Lady Deathstrike unless he’s interested in boning her and Rachel together. That might just be too much even for an ancient pack of sludge. All he really does is just warn Lady Deathstrike that Arkea is not something to toy with. Lady Deathstrike thinks it’ll help upgrade her systems. It makes some sense after Arkea made Omega Sentinel so deadly. It also makes sense that smoking lots of meth will help someone lose weight. That doesn’t make it a good idea. Don’t get me wrong. I want to like John Sublime. He hasn’t exactly been a complete asshole since this series began, but he couldn’t be any less trustworthy without changing his last name to Madoff. He has done nothing in this story to make him compelling or likable. When Typhoid Mary arrives with the sample in hand, Sublime freaks the fuck out. But I still find it hard to root for him.

It also doesn’t help that Sublime can’t fight worth a shit or persuade devious women to listen to him. He must suck at picking up hookers. Lady Deathstrike unsurprisingly ignores his warnings and opens the container that has Arkea. It’s not much of a fight. He’s more a pretty boy than a fighter because the two women subdue him in ways that probably would cost extra at a German S&M club. But he’s not completely inept. He’s still able to take the containment device. That’s when he realizes that he got all pissed off for no reason. Now I guess he knows how PMS feels. It turns out Arkea wasn’t in the hardware that Typhoid Mary stole. So Lady Deathstrike can’t use her to upgrade herself. It seems like her plan is a complete failure.

But like Donald Trump’s fiancé seeking a prenup, Lady Deathstrike doesn’t give up that easily. She goads Sublime into revealing that he suspects that Arkea may have shown up in other locations. He thinks he has leverage. He knows the locations and Lady Deathstrike wants to know so she can do exactly what he told her not to do. They seem to be at a standoff. But Sublime seems to forget that Typhoid Mary is psychic. She’s like Emma Frost in that she’s not going to ask permission to rip vital information out of his head. So she does just that and probably damages his bladder control in the process.

Armed with this information, Lady Deathstrike and Typhoid Mary leave Sublime to drool mindlessly into the floor while they go seek out Arkea. He probably would have lingered on the floor in an expanding puddle of piss like me after a bad night in Tijuana if Psylocke hadn’t showed up. She managed to track Typhoid Mary to their base and helps troubleshoot Sublime’s damaged brain, saving his bladder control in the process. Now he’s stuck helping the X-women again. If it gives him a chance at seeing Rachel Grey naked, I don’t think he’ll mind.

And if the X-women are going to get reinforcements, then Lady Deathstrike and Typhoid Mary will need them as well. Women can be just as competitive as men, last I checked. Just go to a clearance sale at a Victoria’s Secret for proof of that. They find help in Enchantress, a hot blond who made it her mission in her immortal life to manipulate Thor with her magic and her vagina. However, neither were powerful enough because she ended up getting exiled and de-powered. She’s understandably bitter and doesn’t take too kindly to Lady Deathstrike and Typhoid Mary at first. But when they promised to help her give a giant middle finger to all of Asgard and become more powerful than before, she gladly offered her help. She knows a little something about another meteor that might contain pieces of Arkea. So that means Lady Deathstrike and Typhoid Mary have a hot, vindictive blond on their side. And just like that, they become both deadlier and sexier.

I would have loved to learn more about how much deadlier and sexier these devious women planned to be. Instead, we get more of a somewhat random side-plot that has been going nowhere faster than Anthony Wiener’s political comeback. Jubilee hasn’t really been involved with the main plot. She has just been making friends with Roxy, who happens to be gay and got an overly Christian reaction from Mercury when she flirted with her. I’m not sure what to make of this, but Roxy seems to be very horny because she flat out kisses Jubilee. It really doesn’t make much sense. I usually don’t care when two pretty girls kiss, but for this story even my penis can’t make sense of it.

It’s almost a relief when Monet drops in and tells Jubilee they have a mission. So at the very least, this scene connects with the larger conflict at hand. It’s still somewhat confusing. I’m not sure why this side-plot with Roxy has to be part of a story about the Sisterhood. I’m also not sure why Jubilee has to be the one that Roxy wants to pick carpet cleaner with. They’re two wildly different sub-plots that don’t fit together particularly well, but it doesn’t take away from the main story.

That story escalates when Enchantress leads Lady Deathstrike and Typhoid Mary to the crater where the meteorite fell. But once they find it, things get a little less friendly between the three deviant women. I know it seems hard to believe, three unstable women with a history of anti-social behavior not getting along. But now Typhoid Mary feels she’s entitled to more than just being a hired gun who looks hot in skin-tight pants, although I would strongly argue that point. She wants Lady Deathstrike to help integrate her diverging personalities in addition to helping Enchantress regain her power. It could have become a hell of a cat-fight that could only be more awesome if they did it in their underwear. Unfortunately for my penis, Lady Deathstrike is more than happy to sweeten the deal. She says she has the resources to give them both what they want, thereby strengthening the foundation of the new Sisterhood of Mutants. And everyone with balls would be wise to take notice. I certainly did.

This was a solid issue. It wasn’t all that exciting, but it did move the story forward in a compelling way. It also added a hot blond in the Enchantress. That’s just a bonus in my book. There were a few minor skirmishes and some unexpected tensions, but this issue wasn’t meant to be epic. It was meant to set the tone for the Sisterhood of Mutants. And in that sense, it succeeded. Now I’m still not sold on John Sublime or him having a boner for Rachel Grey. I’m also not sold on this sub-plot with Jubilee and Roxy. These details are interesting, but they don’t fit into the narrative in a concise manner. It’s like mixing cocaine and booze without effectively blending them. It’s going to mute the effect and it also wastes perfectly good booze. The Sisterhood is shaping up to be pretty damn awesome, but it needs to be more cohesive. It doesn’t need duct tape or crazy glue. Just a little spit and scotch tape will do. I give X-men #8 a 7 out of 10. A very powerful female force is steadily emerging. As someone with a penis, I’m both horrified and aroused. It’s a strange feeling, but that’s part of what makes it awesome. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #7

When women ban together for anything that doesn't involve an orgy in a porno movie, they're every bit as deadly as any gang of men. I don't just say that to ward off angry feminists who send me hate mail on a regular basis. I say that from experience. It's hard enough dealing with one angry woman, but a whole team of them? That's enough to make any man's penis shrivel in fear. Yet that's exactly what the all-female team of the X-men are facing in the post-Battle of the Atom world. It makes sense, doesn't it? A new team of female X-men form. Therefore, a new team of female villains should form. Just because it makes sense doesn't make the concept any less painful for anyone with functioning testicles. So as I review X-men #7, I will keep them tucked away for their own protection.

It’s a common misconception that only old rich men who can’t get an erection without a bottle of Viagra are inherently evil. Young, attractive rich women can be every bit as inherently evil. Ana Cortes certainly doesn’t look that evil when she is first introduced. She looks basically like a Latina Paris Hilton who hasn’t put out a sex tape or had her own reality show yet. And like Paris Hilton, she didn’t earn her money. She inherited it from her father. And after he died, she now has all kinds of money and a lot of free time, which are two of the most important ingredients to evil. And like Charlie Sheen, she needs drugs to unlock that evil, which she gets courtesy of her strangely familiar female assistant looks like an extra on the set of lesbian porn.

But this woman apparently has access to drugs that are much more potent than anything Charlie Sheen has ever taken, as hard as that may be to believe. Through some creative and engaging inner monologue, we find out that these drugs have unlocked Lady Deathstrike from within Ana’s persona. That’s surprising considering Lady Deathstrike is supposed to be dead, but then again death is no worse than the common cold in the Marvel universe, provided the character in question isn’t named Jean Grey or Gwen Stacy. She apparently convinced some rich Latina bimbo to share her body so that Lady Deathstrike could have access to her funds. It’s ingenious and pragmatic, but how anyone could convince some upper class bimbo to share her body like that without the promise of undeserved fame and powerful drugs is beyond me.

As Lady Deathstrike is enjoying a new body and new access to resources, Jubilee is enjoying some welcome news from Storm at the Jean Grey Institute. It’s official now. She’s a single, vampire, adoptive mother. Storm, who I imagine threatened a new ice age to the Hungarian government, made it official. They’re not going to press charges against a teenage vampire who wants to adopt one of their infant citizens. They probably don’t know that this baby is going to be living in a school that gets blown up every few years with a teenage girl who also happens to be a vampire, but I doubt they care. They probably have bigger problems to worry about, like how to attract more rich American tourists to their red light district.

And that’s not the only good news either, although it’s not clear whether it qualifies as good. After Jubilee finds out she’s now a single mom, Monet shows up and reveals that Storm is letting her stay at the institute while she “rests and recuperates.” I’m pretty sure that’s code for “she’s dry humped karma and now it’s screwing her over.” It tapers Jubilee’s enthusiasm because of their history. And it’s not clear which part of that history has screwed her over, making her appearance a bit contrived. But it’s another beautiful, tough woman on a team of all-female X-men. And like an orgy with Playboy playmates, more is better.

Monet quickly makes herself at home, meeting up with Omega Sentinel and Beast in his lab. Omega Sentinel, who is fresh of her unexpected awakening from her coma at the hands of Arkea, is still recovering and for some reason, running on a treadmill while Beast takes in data is supposed to help with that. That sounds like treating a recovering alcoholic with cocaine. But it effectively continues the plot with Omega Sentinel that began in the first arc while throwing Monet into the mix.

That mix isn’t all that compelling at first. Monet makes it clear that she didn’t come to the Jean Grey Institute to put on a spandex uniform and beat up Sentinels. If she wanted that kind of stress, she would work for the mayor of Toronto. She’s at the institute to unwind, which is like going to Afghanistan for a vacation. But for whatever reason, she connects with Omega Sentinel in a way that isn’t easy to masturbate to. They talk about coming back from the dead, which has already been established as a major theme of this issue. So I guess it’s fitting in some respects.

Since Beast’s lab is about as relaxing as Jerry Sandusky’s basement, Monet invites Omega Sentinel to do some more traditional running by going on a jog in the countryside. It’s not a bad idea. Some people do relax by jogging in the same way I relax with beer and porn. I would still argue that my method is more effective, but who am I to judge? But at the very least it should give them some additional bonding time without Beast being a douche to mess it up.

However, this pleasant little fun run is rudely interrupted when Lady Deathstrike, now the dominant force in her new body and sporting some badass new body paint, drive by with some well-paid thugs. She probably thinks she’s luckier than a rat in a cheese factory because she apparently didn’t know that Omega Sentinel woke up from her coma recently. She hired these thugs to break into the Jean Grey Institute and bust her out. She must have been having multiple orgasms when she found Omega Sentinel just running out in the open. They attack the two ill-prepared women and effectively ruin any further efforts at relaxing.

Like any prank involving horse shit and crazy glue, having the element of surprise goes a long ways towards making it work. Lady Deathstrike’s thugs successfully wound Omega Sentinel, leaving her more vulnerable than a chocolate cake at John Goodman’s house. But Monet has a pretty extensive array of powers and since Omega Sentinel took a bullet, she takes it upon herself to make these assholes pay for ruining her relaxing getaway. She takes out Lady Deathstrike’s thugs, which makes me wonder how long they would have lasted if they had to actually break into the Jean Grey Institute. I have to think that Storm would have shoved fifty bolts of lightning up their asses and Wolverine would have peeled their skin off like a banana, but Lady Deathstrike is not dissuaded. How can she be when she looks like a professional wrestler?

When Monet and Omega Sentinel return to the Jean Grey Institute, Storm and the other all-female X-men team are understandably skeptical and disturbed to hear that Lady Deathstrike is back. But none of them seem too surprised. I figure they’ve long since accepted that their hated enemies never stay dead. It warrants a quick and thorough investigation, knowing that Lady Deathstrike can never go too long without eviscerating someone. She’s like a coffee addict with no Starbucks to feed her addiction. And Monet offers to be part of the fight. Even though she’s supposed to be lying low, she feels obligated to help Omega Sentinel since she took a bullet for her. It’s a somewhat weak explanation since it hasn’t really been explained why she needs to lie low in the first place. It doesn’t help that the dialog is somewhat weak as well. But it gets the point across that the all-female X-men are going to fight back against Lady Deathstrike.

This isn’t the only instance of weak dialog. Jubilee, whose role on the team is still unclear since she has a baby now, meets up with Roxy, who she was supposed to meet up with earlier. She talks about how she tried to ask Mercury out on a date and ended up getting punched. Most straight people who get hit on by gays tend to be flattered so I can’t imagine why Mercury would want to punch her. But Roxy makes it clear that she’s already over Mercury and now she has a crush on someone else. Then she proceeds to look at Jubilee the same way a teenage boy looks at his first pair of boobs.

The innuendo in an all-female X-men comic is sure to piss of feminists, but they may take comfort in seeing that Lady Deathstrike has teamed up with another woman in a completely non-lesbian sort of way. That assistant from earlier who looked way too hot to be an assistant for someone not named Donald Trump reveals that she isn’t just some overpaid pretty face. She’s fucking Typhoid Mary, the second most devious redheaded mutant after Hope fucking Summers. She was the one that helped Lady Deathstrike set up shop in a new body and now she’s going to help Deathstrike fuck with the X-men. It’s a beautiful thing and both my brain and my penis agree for once.

After reading this comic, I'm honestly not sure how angry feminists will bitch about it. I can see how they would piss and moan at the first arc, which involved an all-female X-men team relying on a man in John Sublime (granted, he's not a man as much as he is a sentient grouping of sludge) to help them defeat Arkea. I really don't know how anyone who wants to bust the balls of every man within a five-mile radius can be upset about this book. It brings in yet another female character to join the all-female X-men. It also introduces two dangerous female villains. It might as well be entitled X-men: No Dicks Allowed. And it still worked in a way that still made it feel like a regular X-men book and not one that focused only on showing Psylocke's ass or Monet's cleavage. It's enough to stimulate both the mind and genitals. For that, feminists should find plenty to enjoy in this issue and so should men with functioning penises. I give X-men #7 a 7 out of 10. It has single mothers, non-lesbian friendships, and disembodied souls from pissed off enemies. It's like Desperate Housewives with mutants, minus the overly sexual undertones. But that's okay. Perverted men can still make good use of their imagination while angry feminists will always find a reason to be pissed off. Nuff said!