Luck Be A Lady (and Then Some): Domino #1

The following is my review of Domino #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Some heroes get all sorts of lucky breaks while others make their own luck in the crowded superhero market. As such, Neena "Domino" Thurman is unique in that she's able to do a little of both and not just because it's part of her mutant powers. Her superhuman lucky streak is on a bigger roll than usual. Between her upcoming role in Deadpool 2, the prospect of future roles in an X-Force movie, and a major presence in the X-men comics, these are good times for Domino.

That makes the idea of her getting a solo series, written by one of comics' most respected female writers in Gail Simone, all the more appropriate. Domino isn't just a colorful character with edge, grit, and attitude. She's the kind of character that requires a challenging story. She's not some hapless heroine whose only development comes through tragedy or loss. Her superhuman luck literally doesn't allow it. To make her mark, Domino's story requires a kind of nuance that Simone is in a unique position to pursue.

Like Red Sonja, another battle-hardened female character that Simone has written, Domino is fiercely independent. Since luck is always on her side, she's willing to take chances, be reckless, and explore uncharted territory. While that helps her survive the various rigors and frustrations that inherently come with the superhero genre, it rarely gives her time to pursue her own story. Domino #1 gives her the opportunity to really push the full extent of her luck. With Simone writing and David Baldeon providing art, she has even more going for her than usual.

Even with those advantages, Domino's story is a difficult one to tell. How does anyone go about making it interesting when luck is on her side in the most literal sense possible? Unlike the infamous Parker luck that plagues Spider-Man, Domino can usually count on the best case scenario. That means the particulars of a narrative have to be stronger than usual. Unlike Domino herself, Simone and Bladeon can't just throw this character into a series of action scenes and expect to get lucky.

That's exactly what makes the approach to Domino #1 so engaging because it doesn't rely on any one element of Neena Thurman's persona. She gets a chance to shoot things, as only she can. She gets a chance to self-reflect on who she is and where she's come from. She even gets a chance to show her softer side, but not in a way that feels forced or melodramatic. The plot doesn't rely on any one thing to flesh out Domino, but they all find a way to contribute. The fact a cute dog is somehow worked into the mix is just a nice bonus.

There specifics of the plot are somewhat chaotic. It starts with a cute dog, but builds itself primarily around some of Domino's most familiar traits. She's not a self-proclaimed superhero who sticks up for the little guy and hangs around adorable dogs. She's a mercenary who often works with other mercenaries to do gigs, make money, and shoot people who deserve shooting. It's not overly heroic, but it's hardly villainous either. It's not unreasonable to say that from a purely economic perspective, Domino maximized the value of her skills and powers more than any other Marvel character.

The business side of the story, though, is only a small part of a much larger narrative. She takes part in a gig that involves shooting people and teaming up with an old friend, Outlaw. There are guns, monsters, and even a fastball special. It's messy and violent, but not overly brutal. There's no Wolverine ripping out peoples' guts or Deadpool making R-rated jokes. For someone as inherently fortunate as Domino, those sorts of tactics aren't necessary.

To prove that she can still carry her own series without such tactics, though, Domino needs to show her more personal side. As a character who often finds herself in a supporting role to those with teams or movie franchises, she rarely gets an opportunity to reveal her thoughts, feelings, and insecurities. Outlaw ends up putting her in the best possible position when she drags to a surprise birthday party that ends up revealing more about Neena Thurman than any mercenary gig.

It doesn't end up being the craziest party that the X-men or a superhero team have thrown, but it plays out in a way that shows that Domino is capable of contributing more than quality marksmanship to a story. The surprise party doesn't just reveal that Domino is not that fond of celebrating her birthday or getting too close to anyone. It also reveals some of her insecurities, some of which are less obvious than others.

It helps give Domino #1 the kind of moment that demonstrates there is something to this character that's worth exploring. Domino may carry herself as a happy-go-lucky mutant mercenary who doesn't mind teaming up with the Deadpools of the world, but there are parts of her life and her personality that reflect deep scars. Simone doesn't probe too deeply, but does show the effects as Domino interacts with familiar X-men characters. Even when she encounters a cute dog, these insecurities show themselves.

It's a bit too subtle at times, but lays the foundation for more development. It also throws in a few larger conflicts that don't involve mercenary work or tolerating Deadpool's sense of humor. Those conflicts aren't as fleshed out as other elements of the story, so much so that the end is somewhat confusing, even if it is pretty jarring. Even so, Simone still leaves herself with plenty to work with in developing Domino's character.

Overall, Domino #1 offers a fairly diverse story that provides both basics and advanced refinements to a character on the rise. There's action, violence, and gunshots, as is often the case in any story involving Domino. There are also personal insights and unresolved issues that finally get to be part of a larger story for this character. She may not be Wonder Woman, Red Sonja, or Princess Leia, but Domino still finds a way to hold her own and she doesn't need to rely solely on luck.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #18

I’m no stranger to awkward situations. Give me someone else who has answered the door at three in the morning in pair of women’s underwear and explained to a police officer why there’s a goat in the front yard and I’ll have someone who has at least a faint understanding of dealing with awkward situations. The X-men certainly have more than their share, albeit without farm animals and inappropriate uses of women’s underwear. Hell, they live with time displaced versions of themselves and their future children. That shit has to be awkward to the point of therapy. It’s because of that I wonder just how much therapy someone like Rachel Grey has had since arriving from a shitty, dystopian future. She could probably put several families of psychologists through college. But it must work because she has managed to keep her shit together, even after some awkward moments with her time-displaced mother. She’s an active contributor on Storm’s all-female X-men squad, but she hasn’t had too many awkward situations to deal with. Now with a new arc and a new era in X-men #18, she has a chance to be very uncomfortable. At least in her case, wearing women’s underwear won’t add to the awkwardness.

As it just so happens, I’m not the only one who doesn’t care for unexpected visitors. A while back, Rachel Grey lost all her appetite for unexpected visitors not delivering pizza. In the infamous “End of Greys” storyline by Chris Claremont, the Shi’ar dropped in unexpectedly and without any pizza to exterminate Jean Grey’s entire family. It was a dick move of cosmic proportions, akin to burning down the whole Amazon rain forest over a splinter. But it was a defining moment for Rachel Grey and for reasons not entirely clear, that painful moment is revisited in the form of a flashback. The purpose isn’t clear, but it’s by far the most dramatic moment Rachel Grey has had since returning from space. That alone is pretty fucking sad. She’s the daughter of Cyclops and Jean Grey for crying out loud. She should be way more than another pretty redhead that Wolverine has yet to bone.

The flashback doesn’t really relate to anything Rachel and her fellow X-women are doing initially. She’s still basically the beta telepath on a team that already has Monet and Psylocke. She’s not even the cutest because Jubilee is on the team as well. All she does is point out that they’re about to fly into a cloud of giant super-viruses, courtesy of AIM. They weren’t content being watered down in Iron Man 3 so they’re taking it out on the X-women. That’s like trading a punch in the jaw for a kick in the balls.

It makes for a generic battle that’s fun and full of nice quips. Every X-women here has their own voice and they all come off as distinct, something that has been somewhat erratic throughout this series. I still don’t know what the fuck this has to do with an “End of Greys” flashback, but it’s still a team of beautiful X-women taking down a cloud of greenish goop in an entertaining if not unspectacular sort of way. And I’m all for that.

But fighting a cloud of AIM cast-offs is the kind of shit the X-women do on a weekend when there are no good movies out. Another more pressing conflict happens to be unfolding and, semi-fittingly enough, it involves aliens. And since it involves aliens, it’s going to have to involve Agent Abigail Brand and the fine folks at SWORD. It’s been a while since Brand showed up with her uncanny ability to induce boners and make all the assholes within a five mile radius clench. She even reveals herself to be a Game of Thrones fan, thus making her even sexier and more intimidating. My penis is happy to see her again is all I’m saying.

Agent Brand, however, is not happy to have her Game of Thrones time interrupted by an unannounced alien that showed up unconscious at SWORD’s doorstep. The alien issue in this case is Deathbird and she’s not crashing their base because she got too drunk and forgot where her car was parked. This is a Shi’ar woman who likes to throw parties in the middle of inter-stellar wars. She also has a history with Rachel Grey, which helps provide a connection to the “End of Greys” flashback. It’s a weak connection, but like a nipple slip from Jessica Alba, it’s better than nothing.

SWORD contacts the X-women specifically because Rachel has a history with her. She’s actually Rachel’s aunt, but only by marriage thanks to Deathbird’s ability to exploit Vulcan’s fondness for alien pussy. I’m not judging here. I can only say that in Vulcan’s defense, dangerous alien women have a special allure that some men can’t resist.

That’s not to say Rachel is on good terms with her Aunt. It’s hard to be on good terms with someone who had a hand in the slaughter of her whole family. But she’s remarkably casual about agreeing to help out, going along with her fellow X-women to SWORD’s sub-orbital base, Peak. They even meet Cecilia Reyes there so she can give Deathbird a free assessment and not even charge a co-pay. This is somewhat confusing and not just because I had to wrestle with my insurance company just to see a doctor for a case of strep throat. They’re treating this alien like she’s just some cute college girl who got too crazy at a frat party and passed out in front of an emergency room. This is a woman who would probably arm-wrestle Gladiator for saying her ass looks fat. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

It becomes even more confusing when Rachel Grey agrees to help read Deathbird’s mind to figure out how the hell she ended up at SWORD in the first place. As the earlier flashback showed, this is someone who had a hand in the complete eradication of her entire family bloodline. Yet that seems to bother her less than having to wear a dirty pair of sox. It’s completely devoid of drama in a situation where there should at least be some. She could have at least tattooed a few dicks on Deathbird’s face to show she’s at least somewhat upset with the shit she’s done.

Instead, she just shrugs that shit off and teams up with Monet and Psylocke to read Deathbird’s mind. It makes for some colorful and interesting memories. It shows that Deathbird is a functional rageaholic, pitching fights and getting into plenty of trouble that a typical 12-step program won’t help with. It’s flashy, but lacking on details. I’m all for a story about a hot alien woman getting into trouble. It’s the basis of some of my favorite pornos. But even those need a little detail to spark my intrigue.

Rachel and her fellow telepaths are just as confused. They know Deathbird has gotten herself into a few too many bar fights. They just don’t know the circumstances and assume it had nothing to do with someone pinching her ass. Before they can even get a few helpful hints, SWORD is hit with more alien visitors in the form of a massive swarm of alien bugs. It’s almost like a metaphor for beautiful women that show up at a doorstep. They usually are there because some really fucked up shit is chasing them. I contend that a swarm of alien bugs isn’t quite as daunting as an ex-cop father with anger management issues, but it’s close. These little pests are called Sidrian Hunters. Since SWORD and the X-men are almost as used to killer aliens as they are killer robots, they don’t start shitting themselves. They just know this is going to be more frustrating than they thought. It still would help to have at least some drama, but I guess that’s asking for too much.

Things go to shit pretty quickly, but Agent Brand and the X-women still play it as cool as Tom Brady in the fourth quarter of a close game. The lights go out and the Sidrian Hunters infiltrate the base. It’s another flashy and fairly satisfying dose of action. It’s not all that different from the big green cloud of AIM goop from earlier, but at least these bugs have more personality. It’s still just as fun watching Storm hit them with lightning while Agent Brand unleashes her Game of Throne style violence. It doesn’t have to have a lot of drama to be satisfying, but it’s about as memorable as Rob Schneider’s acting career.

That doesn’t keep the battle from intensifying. The Sidrian Hunters are still able to get in pretty deep, making their way through SWORD’s defenses and a pissed off Agent Brand. It has much more detail than the earlier battle, making it a more enjoyable spectacle. These are not Sentinels or Skrulls. They didn’t even bring anal probes or attack Independence Day style. They came directly to SWORD, right on the heels of Deathbird. That means they’re not there to land on the White House lawn and demand that they be allowed to impregnate Sigorney Weaver. They’re there because of Deathbird. It’s a logical connection, but one that is also lacking details. I know I sound like one of my old English teachers, but I don’t grade on a fucking curve or force anyone to read boring ass books from the Victorian era that nobody cares about.

What finally gives this battle some weight is a revelation at the end from Cecilia Reyes. She doesn’t begin to speculate why these Sidrian Hunters are after Deathbird, but she does reveal that Deathbird is pregnant. That definitely adds a new dimension to this otherwise generic battle against a bunch of killer space bugs. It’s still lacking in details with respect to why anyone in the X-men should give a shit, but at this point I don’t think that should surprise anybody. That theme has already been well-established. That doesn’t mean I’m not intrigued. Anytime a beautiful alien women shows up pregnant, there’s usually an interesting story about it and sometimes it can be as sexy as it is disturbing. What? I can’t be the only guy who finds alien women sexy.

A lot of interesting new concepts emerged in this comic, but they were only slightly fleshed out. It’s like throwing ice cream, chocolate fudge, and whiskey into a blender, but not turning it on. It’s basically partial cock-blocking because only to the extent that it delays rather than hinders a chance at awesome. The tone, characterizations, and setting all work fairly nicely, albeit not in a particularly spectacular manner. Those who got real sick of the Shi’ar after The Trial of Jean Grey will probably start dry heaving, but those who missed Abigail Brand’s crass yet bonerific personality will rejoice. The lack of drama and follow-through are the two major shortcomings in this issue, but all the minor details and overall setting are spot on. I give X-men #18 a 6 out of 10. I’m all for beautiful women fighting an invasion of killer aliens. I’m even for plugging Game of Thrones. I’m even for beautiful alien women getting knocked up. But for the love of Odin, could Rachel Grey get at least somewhat pissed at the assholes that killed her family? Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #17

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Scanned Thoughts: X-men #9

I don’t pretend to have too ambitious an agenda. All the weed and booze make setting an agenda akin to juggling knives while trying to pleasure my girlfriend. But I’ve seen and experienced enough agendas to know that on some levels, it always comes back to trying to screw someone over. Some are more vindictive than others. Some are just crazier than others. I’m not sure how crazy Lady Deathstrike is in the pages of Brian Wood’s adjectiveless X-men. The X-men have really fucked her up in the past, making it so she had to do some body jumping, Doc Ock style to keep living. So her desire to screw over the X-men isn’t really an agenda as much as it is a normal reflex. But that agenda is still somewhat ambiguous. I’m hoping it becomes clearer with X-men #9 because in my experience, beautiful women with an agenda are those special stories that terrify and arouse me at the same time. It’s awkward, but still pretty awesome.

I still can’t say that watching the X-women play the part of CSI investigators does much for my penis. But it does continue the story that began with Lady Deathstrike. Now in the body of a wealthy Latina woman named Anna Cortez who looks surprisingly similar to Rosario Dawson, she has the body and the resources to fuck with the X-men again. Since she already attacked them, Rachel Grey decides to interrogate John Sublime again. Because for some reason she thinks he fits into this shit somehow. It’s not completely unreasonable given his history, but what is unreasonable is the strangely implied innuendo between them.
Now I’m not talking about the kind of innuendo that is similar to how most pornos begin. I’m talking about the kind that’s more overt than even the shittiest romantic comedies. There haven’t been a lot of hints dropped or even any real chemistry, yet there seems to be a working assumption that John Sublime has somehow won a place in Rachel Grey’s panties. I don’t know if I got blackout drunk and missed a couple issues, but this makes no fucking sense and doesn’t contribute a damn thing to the story. All it does is put Sublime in a position to realize that his deranged sister, Akrea, is back. And I think there were easier ways to do that shit than imply he makes Rachel all tingly in certain places.

Unlike any innuendo between Rachael and Sublime, the re-appearance of Arkea is a big fucking deal. The last time the X-women dealt with her, they almost resorted to killing Omega Sentinel. Between her and Lady Deathstrike, the X-women are in need of backup and Sabra brings help. And for once, that help actually has a penis. But angry feminazis need not worry. He’s not there to solve all their problems. Monet is still the heavy hitter in this arc. First, they find out the last place Arkea fucked up has already been razed and will likely be turned into a Starbucks. Next, they find out that Lady Deathstrike has just entered Dubai, a place full of high end shopping, obscenely expensive real estate, and blatant labor exploitation. It’s basically the perfect place for an over-privileged foreigner with a homicidal woman possessing her body.

Armed with this wealth and a blatant disregard for controlled spending, Lady Deathstrike set up a lab called the Body Shoppe in Dubai. It’s basically a place where disembodied minds and tweak their new bodies to their heart’s content and do it in a place with warm weather and pristine beaches. She brings Typhoid Mary and Enchantress, who they recruited in the previous issue, with her. She also has a fragment of the Arkea meteorite, which she also retrieved from the previous issue. It may seem like overkill, recruiting both Enchantress and Arkea, but there can be no such thing for Lady Deathstrike. This is a woman who fucked up her own body just so she could fuck with her enemies. She’s willing to go the extra mile or hundred if need be.

That doesn’t make the decision to use Arkea any less questionable. As soon as she gives the meteorite to Reiko, her assistant, Arkea makes herself right at home in a new host. It’s not even a struggle. She just jumps aboard and is basically the same deranged, disembodied hunk of pond scum that was introduced in the first arc. It’s as inane and unexciting as it sounds. It would have been nice to show a little variety. It’s as if Arkea doesn’t even remember how the X-women fucked her up in the previous arc. She’s just enjoying a new body. She doesn’t even try to play nice with the Sisterhood and starts fucking with all the fancy gadgets that Lady Deathstrike bought with some rich Latina woman’s money.

While it has been enjoyable seeing the Sisterhood expand their ranks, Arkea essentially does a lot of the same shit that happened earlier. And it’s not like she was a great villain to begin with. All she did was crash on Earth and feel the sudden urge to wipe out all life as if it were a mild rectal itch. She has none of the depth and history that Lady Deathstrike or Typhoid Mary have. There isn’t even an effort to build that kind of history. It’s disappointing that she now is joining a cast of much more developed characters. I think I’ve seen enough of Arkea at this point to determine that she’s not a very interesting character and my penis agrees with me for once.

Despite Akrea’s bland backstory, she does bring something to the table for Lady Deathstrike and her team. She tries to befriend Arkea and asks that she help enhance them. She’s not referring to boob jobs and lip injections either. They found out in the previous issue that they’re still woefully unequipped to take on the X-men. And Arkea has plenty of incentive to fuck with the X-men so why not help each other? They’re both disembodied women looking to fuck with the non-disembodied men and women who made them disembodied in the first place. It makes perfect sense from a motivational standpoint, but practically speaking, it would take more than a few bong hits. The Sisterhood don’t even know Arkea that well and they’re willing to trust her with their bodies? There are porn stars auditioning for jobs at unlicensed modeling agencies with more common sense than that.

They don’t get a chance to become sorority sisters though. The X-women have already been tracking Lady Deathstrike’s new persona and they’ve traced her to the fancy Dubai building. That gives Monet a non-moving target, which she gets to in record time. She then makes herself at home the same way Led Zeppelin made themselves at home in hotel rooms after a few rounds of hard liquor. She hits them hard and does plenty of property damage. She’s supposed to be perfect at everything so that naturally extends to wrecking expensive real estate run by their enemies. But wrecking the place doesn’t get the job done. Arkea is still able to do some enhancements and it’s not nearly as messy as Weapon X either.

The first one to benefit is Enchantress, who was basically a neutered dog. Odin stripped her of her powers and her ability to keep cock-teasing Thor. She naturally didn’t like that and jumped at the chance to get her powers back with the Sisterhood. And Akrea is able to deliver in a way that is poorly explained, but nicely demonstrated. Since Monet is such a powerhouse, who better than an Asgardian to take her down a peg? It makes sense even if it isn’t well-developed.

As Enchantress keeps Monet occupied, Akrea and Lady Deathstrike try to hatch a new plan. It involves finding more angry superpowered women to join their ranks. Arkea, having already spent some quality time in the Jean Grey Institute’s systems, has more than her share of information on who would love to blow up the school. Armed with that information, she uses some of the hardware that Lady Deathstrike has acquired to make use of that information. It makes sense in the same way it makes sense to befriend an ex-boyfriend’s best friend. It makes for a special kind of pwnage.

At the same time, the X-women just happen to realize that Akrea is probably allying herself with their enemies. It makes for a somewhat choppy narrative. John Sublime is still trembling at the danger his sister can cause and basically warns the X-women about how dangerous she is, just as he did in the first arc. Again, it’s basically the same fucking plot with Arkea. There’s nothing new or interesting about her. She just happens to surround herself with other characters who are already interesting. And that’s basically the same as a cheat code in a video game.

So the rest of the X-women decide to go after the Sisterhood in full force. At the same time, Monet is getting her ass kicked by the Enchantress. She’s a fucking goddess for a reason and not just because she has a rack worthy of one. Since Arkea managed to get around Odin’s little trick, Enchantress is able to beat Monet. On paper, a battle between Monet and Enchantress should be the kind of thing that makes my penis smile in a very special way. But when put into practice, it’s horribly unepic. There’s nothing memorable about it, even when read sober. It’s also poorly detailed. It’s not clear of Enchantress flat out snaps Monet’s neck or if she just renders her unconscious. It’s one of those scenes that forces too many assumptions and for anyone reading this issue after a few shots of tequila, that’s more confusing enough to trigger a bar fight.

It also makes for a decidedly unexciting end the issue. With Monet now down for the count and the X-women still on their way, there’s not much else to show. Arkea continues to rally more of the X-men’s enemies and that includes some old discarded Sentinels. Because it’s not like Sentinels were used in a major plot in another book like Wolverine and the X-men or a big event like X-men Battle of the Atom. Oh wait, that’s probably a bad example. But that’s basically what is used here and it’s as exciting as it sounds. It’s like the opposite to an ending of an episode of Breaking Bad. There’s nothing about it that generates intrigue about the next issue. That doesn’t mean the next issue won’t be awesome, but nobody is going to be biting off their fingers in anticipation.

This story left me with mixed feelings and not just in my penis. This issue moved things forward, but in a way that was about as exciting as watching Glenn Beck find a new way to make himself look foolish. It’s entertaining, but brings nothing new to the table. The Sisterhood is continuing to expand and Akrea is back causing trouble. But beyond that, the story isn’t going to soak anyone’s panties. And this strange sub-plot with Rachel and John Sublime just makes no fucking sense. I’m not against at least one of the X-women on this all-female team having issues involving a guy, but John fucking Sublime? It would have made more sense if it involved Edward fucking Cullen. But that was still a minor sub-plot. This series and this arc has plenty going for it. There just wasn’t much progression in this issue. I give X-men #9 a 5 out of 10. There are so many ways a story about a team of evil women can entertain and titillate. Only a few of those ways have been realized so far, but my penis and I are hopeful that more will follow. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #8

When it comes to being devious and evil, I agree with the feminists for once. Women are every bit as capable as men. Not having a penis does not prevent anyone from torturing and maiming others while dancing to Kids Bop music. That’s not to say there aren’t some variations. Like shopping for clothes and choosing a shade of paint for the living room, women have a different approach. So it makes sense to explore their approach in a series that focuses on all the major X-men who don’t have a penis. Brian Wood’s adjectiveless X-men has kept the testosterone to a minimum since he began this series. Now he’s in the process of introducing some estrogen powered evil with a new Sisterhood of Mutants. He already brought Lady Deathstrike and Typhoid Mary into the mix. How much more sinister can he get? Is it enough to give feminazis a pussy boner? I’ll be the judge of that with my review of X-men #8.

That’s not to say that Brain Wood has given up on giving male fans traditional boners. Why else would the story pick up with Psylocke chasing down an intruder in a tank top and shorts? It’s as sexy as it sounds. Plus, she’s wielding a katana. For some reason, that makes her even more sexy. She coordinates with Rachel Grey, who apparently sleeps in her uniform if she even sleeps at all. They don’t know who would be stupid enough to break into the Jean Grey Institute, but they apparently know what they’re after. Psylocke finds the intruder in the mainframe room, most likely stealing Kid Omega’s internet porn stash. It makes for a nice sexy chase, but sadly it doesn’t pan out as most lesbian pornos do. The intruder, who happens to be Typhoid Mary, gets away and Psylocke decides that since she’s probably not going to get any more sleep tonight, she goes after her.

While Psylocke prepares to exercise her ninja skills in a way that will probably trigger more boners for male readers, Rachel reveals that the intruder stole the Box, a very badly named thing that apparently holds all their sensitive files. It’s like a bunch of Nigerian scammers stealing all the bank account numbers and pin numbers for a certain bank. It’s bound to cause a lot of damage. And Psylocke also makes it clear to Rachel that she needs to keep Storm in the loop. That may sound reasonable, but Rachel and Storm have been getting along about as well as Cowboy fans and Eagles fans lately. The whole setup of this all-female X-men team is still in flux and Rachel Grey isn’t exactly on board with Storm’s leadership after what happened with Omega Sentinel. And sadly, they’re not going to resolve these issues with nude oil wrestling.

As Psylocke tracks the intruder, Rachel Grey has to call in an old favor from John Sublime and not the sexy kind either. She tells him that the Jean Grey Institute had a break-in. I doubt he was surprised. Hell, I doubt he would have been surprised if he found out someone blew up the institute again. But she adds that among the shit that was stolen was a sample of his sister, Arkea, who took over Omega Sentinel and had a pussy boner for wiping out all life on Earth. It was actually the first mission this all-female X-men team had so it offers some nice connection to the rest of the series. However, that connection might be too concise because when Rachel calls, he happens to be meeting with Lady Deathstrike. He’s kind of an ass is what I’m saying.

And that’s a bit of an issue because there have been some vague hints that Rachel Grey might be looking to jump Sublime’s bone. They have been very poor hints that are more devoid of chemistry than Kristen Stewart’s acting. I get being subtle, but there comes a point where subtlety just become bullshit. I expect that from politicians, traffic cops, and probation officers. I don’t expect or enjoy that in comics. And like I said, Sublime is kind of a dick. He’s rubbing shoulders with Lady Deathstrike and not in the fun way either.

I’m really not sure why he’s even meeting with Lady Deathstrike unless he’s interested in boning her and Rachel together. That might just be too much even for an ancient pack of sludge. All he really does is just warn Lady Deathstrike that Arkea is not something to toy with. Lady Deathstrike thinks it’ll help upgrade her systems. It makes some sense after Arkea made Omega Sentinel so deadly. It also makes sense that smoking lots of meth will help someone lose weight. That doesn’t make it a good idea. Don’t get me wrong. I want to like John Sublime. He hasn’t exactly been a complete asshole since this series began, but he couldn’t be any less trustworthy without changing his last name to Madoff. He has done nothing in this story to make him compelling or likable. When Typhoid Mary arrives with the sample in hand, Sublime freaks the fuck out. But I still find it hard to root for him.

It also doesn’t help that Sublime can’t fight worth a shit or persuade devious women to listen to him. He must suck at picking up hookers. Lady Deathstrike unsurprisingly ignores his warnings and opens the container that has Arkea. It’s not much of a fight. He’s more a pretty boy than a fighter because the two women subdue him in ways that probably would cost extra at a German S&M club. But he’s not completely inept. He’s still able to take the containment device. That’s when he realizes that he got all pissed off for no reason. Now I guess he knows how PMS feels. It turns out Arkea wasn’t in the hardware that Typhoid Mary stole. So Lady Deathstrike can’t use her to upgrade herself. It seems like her plan is a complete failure.

But like Donald Trump’s fiancé seeking a prenup, Lady Deathstrike doesn’t give up that easily. She goads Sublime into revealing that he suspects that Arkea may have shown up in other locations. He thinks he has leverage. He knows the locations and Lady Deathstrike wants to know so she can do exactly what he told her not to do. They seem to be at a standoff. But Sublime seems to forget that Typhoid Mary is psychic. She’s like Emma Frost in that she’s not going to ask permission to rip vital information out of his head. So she does just that and probably damages his bladder control in the process.

Armed with this information, Lady Deathstrike and Typhoid Mary leave Sublime to drool mindlessly into the floor while they go seek out Arkea. He probably would have lingered on the floor in an expanding puddle of piss like me after a bad night in Tijuana if Psylocke hadn’t showed up. She managed to track Typhoid Mary to their base and helps troubleshoot Sublime’s damaged brain, saving his bladder control in the process. Now he’s stuck helping the X-women again. If it gives him a chance at seeing Rachel Grey naked, I don’t think he’ll mind.

And if the X-women are going to get reinforcements, then Lady Deathstrike and Typhoid Mary will need them as well. Women can be just as competitive as men, last I checked. Just go to a clearance sale at a Victoria’s Secret for proof of that. They find help in Enchantress, a hot blond who made it her mission in her immortal life to manipulate Thor with her magic and her vagina. However, neither were powerful enough because she ended up getting exiled and de-powered. She’s understandably bitter and doesn’t take too kindly to Lady Deathstrike and Typhoid Mary at first. But when they promised to help her give a giant middle finger to all of Asgard and become more powerful than before, she gladly offered her help. She knows a little something about another meteor that might contain pieces of Arkea. So that means Lady Deathstrike and Typhoid Mary have a hot, vindictive blond on their side. And just like that, they become both deadlier and sexier.

I would have loved to learn more about how much deadlier and sexier these devious women planned to be. Instead, we get more of a somewhat random side-plot that has been going nowhere faster than Anthony Wiener’s political comeback. Jubilee hasn’t really been involved with the main plot. She has just been making friends with Roxy, who happens to be gay and got an overly Christian reaction from Mercury when she flirted with her. I’m not sure what to make of this, but Roxy seems to be very horny because she flat out kisses Jubilee. It really doesn’t make much sense. I usually don’t care when two pretty girls kiss, but for this story even my penis can’t make sense of it.

It’s almost a relief when Monet drops in and tells Jubilee they have a mission. So at the very least, this scene connects with the larger conflict at hand. It’s still somewhat confusing. I’m not sure why this side-plot with Roxy has to be part of a story about the Sisterhood. I’m also not sure why Jubilee has to be the one that Roxy wants to pick carpet cleaner with. They’re two wildly different sub-plots that don’t fit together particularly well, but it doesn’t take away from the main story.

That story escalates when Enchantress leads Lady Deathstrike and Typhoid Mary to the crater where the meteorite fell. But once they find it, things get a little less friendly between the three deviant women. I know it seems hard to believe, three unstable women with a history of anti-social behavior not getting along. But now Typhoid Mary feels she’s entitled to more than just being a hired gun who looks hot in skin-tight pants, although I would strongly argue that point. She wants Lady Deathstrike to help integrate her diverging personalities in addition to helping Enchantress regain her power. It could have become a hell of a cat-fight that could only be more awesome if they did it in their underwear. Unfortunately for my penis, Lady Deathstrike is more than happy to sweeten the deal. She says she has the resources to give them both what they want, thereby strengthening the foundation of the new Sisterhood of Mutants. And everyone with balls would be wise to take notice. I certainly did.

This was a solid issue. It wasn’t all that exciting, but it did move the story forward in a compelling way. It also added a hot blond in the Enchantress. That’s just a bonus in my book. There were a few minor skirmishes and some unexpected tensions, but this issue wasn’t meant to be epic. It was meant to set the tone for the Sisterhood of Mutants. And in that sense, it succeeded. Now I’m still not sold on John Sublime or him having a boner for Rachel Grey. I’m also not sold on this sub-plot with Jubilee and Roxy. These details are interesting, but they don’t fit into the narrative in a concise manner. It’s like mixing cocaine and booze without effectively blending them. It’s going to mute the effect and it also wastes perfectly good booze. The Sisterhood is shaping up to be pretty damn awesome, but it needs to be more cohesive. It doesn’t need duct tape or crazy glue. Just a little spit and scotch tape will do. I give X-men #8 a 7 out of 10. A very powerful female force is steadily emerging. As someone with a penis, I’m both horrified and aroused. It’s a strange feeling, but that’s part of what makes it awesome. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #7

When women ban together for anything that doesn't involve an orgy in a porno movie, they're every bit as deadly as any gang of men. I don't just say that to ward off angry feminists who send me hate mail on a regular basis. I say that from experience. It's hard enough dealing with one angry woman, but a whole team of them? That's enough to make any man's penis shrivel in fear. Yet that's exactly what the all-female team of the X-men are facing in the post-Battle of the Atom world. It makes sense, doesn't it? A new team of female X-men form. Therefore, a new team of female villains should form. Just because it makes sense doesn't make the concept any less painful for anyone with functioning testicles. So as I review X-men #7, I will keep them tucked away for their own protection.

It’s a common misconception that only old rich men who can’t get an erection without a bottle of Viagra are inherently evil. Young, attractive rich women can be every bit as inherently evil. Ana Cortes certainly doesn’t look that evil when she is first introduced. She looks basically like a Latina Paris Hilton who hasn’t put out a sex tape or had her own reality show yet. And like Paris Hilton, she didn’t earn her money. She inherited it from her father. And after he died, she now has all kinds of money and a lot of free time, which are two of the most important ingredients to evil. And like Charlie Sheen, she needs drugs to unlock that evil, which she gets courtesy of her strangely familiar female assistant looks like an extra on the set of lesbian porn.

But this woman apparently has access to drugs that are much more potent than anything Charlie Sheen has ever taken, as hard as that may be to believe. Through some creative and engaging inner monologue, we find out that these drugs have unlocked Lady Deathstrike from within Ana’s persona. That’s surprising considering Lady Deathstrike is supposed to be dead, but then again death is no worse than the common cold in the Marvel universe, provided the character in question isn’t named Jean Grey or Gwen Stacy. She apparently convinced some rich Latina bimbo to share her body so that Lady Deathstrike could have access to her funds. It’s ingenious and pragmatic, but how anyone could convince some upper class bimbo to share her body like that without the promise of undeserved fame and powerful drugs is beyond me.

As Lady Deathstrike is enjoying a new body and new access to resources, Jubilee is enjoying some welcome news from Storm at the Jean Grey Institute. It’s official now. She’s a single, vampire, adoptive mother. Storm, who I imagine threatened a new ice age to the Hungarian government, made it official. They’re not going to press charges against a teenage vampire who wants to adopt one of their infant citizens. They probably don’t know that this baby is going to be living in a school that gets blown up every few years with a teenage girl who also happens to be a vampire, but I doubt they care. They probably have bigger problems to worry about, like how to attract more rich American tourists to their red light district.

And that’s not the only good news either, although it’s not clear whether it qualifies as good. After Jubilee finds out she’s now a single mom, Monet shows up and reveals that Storm is letting her stay at the institute while she “rests and recuperates.” I’m pretty sure that’s code for “she’s dry humped karma and now it’s screwing her over.” It tapers Jubilee’s enthusiasm because of their history. And it’s not clear which part of that history has screwed her over, making her appearance a bit contrived. But it’s another beautiful, tough woman on a team of all-female X-men. And like an orgy with Playboy playmates, more is better.

Monet quickly makes herself at home, meeting up with Omega Sentinel and Beast in his lab. Omega Sentinel, who is fresh of her unexpected awakening from her coma at the hands of Arkea, is still recovering and for some reason, running on a treadmill while Beast takes in data is supposed to help with that. That sounds like treating a recovering alcoholic with cocaine. But it effectively continues the plot with Omega Sentinel that began in the first arc while throwing Monet into the mix.

That mix isn’t all that compelling at first. Monet makes it clear that she didn’t come to the Jean Grey Institute to put on a spandex uniform and beat up Sentinels. If she wanted that kind of stress, she would work for the mayor of Toronto. She’s at the institute to unwind, which is like going to Afghanistan for a vacation. But for whatever reason, she connects with Omega Sentinel in a way that isn’t easy to masturbate to. They talk about coming back from the dead, which has already been established as a major theme of this issue. So I guess it’s fitting in some respects.

Since Beast’s lab is about as relaxing as Jerry Sandusky’s basement, Monet invites Omega Sentinel to do some more traditional running by going on a jog in the countryside. It’s not a bad idea. Some people do relax by jogging in the same way I relax with beer and porn. I would still argue that my method is more effective, but who am I to judge? But at the very least it should give them some additional bonding time without Beast being a douche to mess it up.

However, this pleasant little fun run is rudely interrupted when Lady Deathstrike, now the dominant force in her new body and sporting some badass new body paint, drive by with some well-paid thugs. She probably thinks she’s luckier than a rat in a cheese factory because she apparently didn’t know that Omega Sentinel woke up from her coma recently. She hired these thugs to break into the Jean Grey Institute and bust her out. She must have been having multiple orgasms when she found Omega Sentinel just running out in the open. They attack the two ill-prepared women and effectively ruin any further efforts at relaxing.

Like any prank involving horse shit and crazy glue, having the element of surprise goes a long ways towards making it work. Lady Deathstrike’s thugs successfully wound Omega Sentinel, leaving her more vulnerable than a chocolate cake at John Goodman’s house. But Monet has a pretty extensive array of powers and since Omega Sentinel took a bullet, she takes it upon herself to make these assholes pay for ruining her relaxing getaway. She takes out Lady Deathstrike’s thugs, which makes me wonder how long they would have lasted if they had to actually break into the Jean Grey Institute. I have to think that Storm would have shoved fifty bolts of lightning up their asses and Wolverine would have peeled their skin off like a banana, but Lady Deathstrike is not dissuaded. How can she be when she looks like a professional wrestler?

When Monet and Omega Sentinel return to the Jean Grey Institute, Storm and the other all-female X-men team are understandably skeptical and disturbed to hear that Lady Deathstrike is back. But none of them seem too surprised. I figure they’ve long since accepted that their hated enemies never stay dead. It warrants a quick and thorough investigation, knowing that Lady Deathstrike can never go too long without eviscerating someone. She’s like a coffee addict with no Starbucks to feed her addiction. And Monet offers to be part of the fight. Even though she’s supposed to be lying low, she feels obligated to help Omega Sentinel since she took a bullet for her. It’s a somewhat weak explanation since it hasn’t really been explained why she needs to lie low in the first place. It doesn’t help that the dialog is somewhat weak as well. But it gets the point across that the all-female X-men are going to fight back against Lady Deathstrike.

This isn’t the only instance of weak dialog. Jubilee, whose role on the team is still unclear since she has a baby now, meets up with Roxy, who she was supposed to meet up with earlier. She talks about how she tried to ask Mercury out on a date and ended up getting punched. Most straight people who get hit on by gays tend to be flattered so I can’t imagine why Mercury would want to punch her. But Roxy makes it clear that she’s already over Mercury and now she has a crush on someone else. Then she proceeds to look at Jubilee the same way a teenage boy looks at his first pair of boobs.

The innuendo in an all-female X-men comic is sure to piss of feminists, but they may take comfort in seeing that Lady Deathstrike has teamed up with another woman in a completely non-lesbian sort of way. That assistant from earlier who looked way too hot to be an assistant for someone not named Donald Trump reveals that she isn’t just some overpaid pretty face. She’s fucking Typhoid Mary, the second most devious redheaded mutant after Hope fucking Summers. She was the one that helped Lady Deathstrike set up shop in a new body and now she’s going to help Deathstrike fuck with the X-men. It’s a beautiful thing and both my brain and my penis agree for once.

After reading this comic, I'm honestly not sure how angry feminists will bitch about it. I can see how they would piss and moan at the first arc, which involved an all-female X-men team relying on a man in John Sublime (granted, he's not a man as much as he is a sentient grouping of sludge) to help them defeat Arkea. I really don't know how anyone who wants to bust the balls of every man within a five-mile radius can be upset about this book. It brings in yet another female character to join the all-female X-men. It also introduces two dangerous female villains. It might as well be entitled X-men: No Dicks Allowed. And it still worked in a way that still made it feel like a regular X-men book and not one that focused only on showing Psylocke's ass or Monet's cleavage. It's enough to stimulate both the mind and genitals. For that, feminists should find plenty to enjoy in this issue and so should men with functioning penises. I give X-men #7 a 7 out of 10. It has single mothers, non-lesbian friendships, and disembodied souls from pissed off enemies. It's like Desperate Housewives with mutants, minus the overly sexual undertones. But that's okay. Perverted men can still make good use of their imagination while angry feminists will always find a reason to be pissed off. Nuff said!