Summer Camp Snoozer: X-men Gold Annual #2

The following is my review of X-men Gold Annual #2, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Every great character goes through phases that don't put them in a very positive light. Some even become downright infamous, marking a dark period in their overall arc. In certain cases, those moments are best left forgotten in the same tradition as the original Clone Saga, Wolverine's relationship with Squirrel Girl, and that time time Juggernaut hooked up with She-Hulk.

Unfortunately, the recent events surrounding Kitty Pryde cannot be easily brushed aside. The events surrounding her wedding to Colossus in X-men Gold #30 are just too heavy to overlook. To say that she comes out of that ordeal looking less than heroic is like saying Mole Man needs a shower. She does herself a huge disservice, being the one to propose to Colossus and the one to break it off. In terms of superhero credibility, Kitty is near the bottom with Magneto.

That's not to say her character is beyond repair. X-men Gold #30 certainly adds complications, but not to the point of irreparable harm on the level of Hank Pym beating his wife. Kitty Pryde still stands out as once of those characters who undergoes the most growth over the course of her time with the X-men. She joins the team as a scared, uncertain teenager who just got thrust into this world of mutants, killer robots, and living weapons. X-men Gold Annual #2 takes a step back form her current melodrama and explores this critical side of Kitty Pryde, recounting less heartbreaking parts of her journey.

Seanan McGuire and Marco Failla don't try to reinvent Kitty Pryde. They simply attempt to reinforce the kind of person she already is and they don't even rely on killer robots to achieve this. Instead, X-men Gold Annual #2 recounts a younger Kitty Pryde taking a break from the Xavier Institute to go to summer camp. It's not exactly a journey through the Savage Land, but it's fitting in that it allows Kitty to feel normal for a while.

That ends up being a pretty significant theme, the act of being normal when unavoidable circumstances say otherwise. Kitty Pryde knows and acknowledges that she isn't normal. She can pretend to be normal and for a good chunk of the story, that's what she does. For the most part, it makes her happy. It gives her a chance to reconnect with old friends, enjoy traditional summer activities, and not worry about Magneto attacking every other week. For a young Kitty Pryde who has yet to get trapped in a giant space bullet, this should be cathartic.

That's not how things play out, though. Kitty learns fairly quickly that there's no use being normal. She's just not the same person she was before she found out she was a mutant. It shows in subtle ways at first. Her friends can't keep up with her anymore, she feels more restless at night, and she's a bit more willing to break the rules, which feels kind of like Wolverine's influence on her. It makes for powerful moments of self-awareness that put Kitty ahead of the curve for most teenagers. However, when mutant issues enter the picture, both the personal insight and the overall story start to falter.

Things devolve quickly for Kitty once she decides to stop being normal and exercise her inner X-men. She finds out that these friends who she gets along so well with for half the story actually harbor anti-mutant sentiments. It further shatters the notion that she can just be normal for a while. Her reaction is somewhat predictable. Her sentiments aren't much different from most expect of a teenager girl who just learns a hard lesson about the real world. She doesn't come off as Kitty Pryde, a future leader of the X-men with a thing for guys named Peter. She's just another upset teenager.

That's understandable, given her age in this story. It still hinders the overall drama. There's an effort to build more by having her cross paths with another young mutant who has to overhear the anti-mutant diatribes. It makes for a few nice moments, including Kitty's first kiss, but there's nothing iconic about it. There's no Spider-Man kissing Mary Jane on top of the Empire State Building. It's just two people who bear the brunt end of mutant hatred and help each other.

It's sweet, but contrived way to salvage Kitty's summer. Not much comes from it, though. There's some basic bullying on the part of their fellow campers. There's no nuance or depth to it. At times, it comes off as being copied from any teen drama movie made after 1987. Kitty doesn't even do anything to confront it. She doesn't change hearts or minds. She doesn't do anything to change anyone else's notion of normal. Granted, she's still young and inexperienced at this point, but the lack of ambition she shows seems out of character for an aspiring X-men.

As a result, there's no real resolution in X-men Gold Annual #2. Kitty meets up with her friends and they just apologize to her for how they reacted. It happens randomly and without any real incentive. They feel bad about how they acted and that's it. There's no greater story behind it and that limits the overall impact. Kitty doesn't even get an opportunity to be heroic or show them the error of their ways. It just happens and everyone shrugs it off. That's as interesting as it gets in the end.

That's not to say X-men Gold Annual #2 doesn't have merit. It's still a refreshing reprieve for Kitty Pryde, exploring another part of her past at a time when her present is such a mess. It even has a relevant message about being normal in a world that isn't always kind to the abnormal. Kitty tries to just fit in and ignore the things that make her weird. That's something plenty of teenagers and adults can relate to. There's a story there, but it's incomplete and downright bland at times.

Kitty Pryde still has a lot of room to grow. She's one of those characters whose journey reflects the struggles of the X-men and mutants, as a whole. It's part of what makes her endearing and likable. X-men Gold Annual #2 does nothing to undercut that, but it does little to enhance it. In the past, she's still a young woman who's destined to become a member of the X-men. In the present, she's still the one who leaves Colossus at the altar. For her, growth isn't just inevitable. It's necessary.

Final Score: 4 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Spider-Man and the X-men #6

Like peanut butter and jelly or Jack Daniels and coke, there are just some combinations that work. And for a long time, Wolverine and Spider-Man was among those combinations. It was right up there with Emma Frost and She-Hulk as the most fitting team-up. These two were like the ultimate buddy cop movie. They carried themselves so differently, but they found a way to make it work in the most awesome way possible. Then Wolverine had to go get himself killed and like David Spade without Chris Farley, we lost something.

That loss still hurts, but it hasn't stopped Spider-Man from honoring his fallen friend. He's been trying to do just that in Spider-Man and the X-men as a teacher at the Jean Grey School. For the most part, he's either failed miserably or found a way to piss off all of Wolverine's old friends. But he's done it in a way that has been fun and entertaining, even if it has lacked depth and refinement. I admit a part of me reads this and thinks, "I'd much rather see Spider-Man and Wolverine kick the Kingpins ass and then bang a dozen redheaded strippers." Instead, I'm reading about Spider-Man tripping over his ass trying to find a mole in the Jean Grey Institute and continually pissing off Storm in the process. It has been entertaining, but it just hasn't been the same. Spider-Man and the X-men #6 is supposed to up the stakes. But it still has a long ways to go before it can be on the same level as Spidy and Wolverine getting drunk at a bar.

That said, it’s not too many levels down after Spidy finds out who that mole was that Wolverine wanted him to fine. And as it just so happens, that mole was working with Sinister, the only X-men villain who can make Norman Osborn seem less creepy without impregnating Gwen Stacy. At the end of the previous issue, Ernst finally revealed to Spider-Man that she had been the one looking to screw the X-men over. But she didn’t do it just so she could take a nice steaming shit on Wolverine’s grave. She did it for a friend.

I can write that with a straight face because even though she worked with Sinister, she doesn’t come off as a total dick. She reveals that she helped Sinister because he promised to create a new body for her disembodied friends, No Girl. It’s a surprisingly serious and sincere motivation in a story that has been about as serious as a physics lecture by Sarah Palin. It adds some much needed balance, even as Spider-Man jokes with Sinister while he’s tied down to a gurney. Yes, he jokes even in the face of Mr. Sinister. He’s Spider-Man. Even a deal with Mephisto can’t keep him from making these kind of shitty wise-cracks, but that’s a big part of why we still love him despite Andrew Garfield’s attempts to change that.

All joking aside, Spider-Man is exceedingly screwed in ways he probably hasn’t been since the last time he banged Black Cat. The only ones who have any idea he’s in trouble and give enough of a shit to do about it are his students, who he’s been trying to motivate with laughably limited success. But being teenagers, they’re inclined to get a little curious when their teacher disappears. Being curious in a way that would get most teenagers pregnant by their junior year, they decide to do more than just tweet about it and investigate.

They find out that someone roughed Spider-Man up and not with pumpkin bombs or metal arms either. Since one of them has the tracking skills and the head of a shark, they can sniff him out. And since teenagers aren’t prone to thinking things through, hence the prevalence of shitty tattoos and body piercings, they decide to go after it. And since they have mutant powers, they’re less inclined to be stopped. Who the fuck would try to stop a guy with rocky skin and a girl who looks like a shark?

Back at Sinsiter’s lab, Spider-Man is still trapped and still making jokes. He doesn’t even get too pissed at Ernst. Most teachers I know would’ve gone Catholic School on her ass at this point. But all the joking doesn’t make what Sinister reveals any less disturbing. Despite being a pasty-faced dick, he does fulfill his end of the bargain. He gives No Girl a new body. He just does it in a way that makes him both a dick and a dick with a twisted sense of humor.

The new body he gives her happens to be a clone of Storm. Granted, it’s not the worse body he could’ve given her. He could’ve put her in the body of Rosanne if he wanted. Instead, he put her in a badass weather goddess’ body. I would’ve preferred the body with the boobs of Emma Frost and the ass of Captain Marvel, but that’s just me. What makes it a dick move is that he adds something else that he didn’t tell Ernst. He adds a little fine print to the user agreement that allows him to control her. So she has a body, but she might as well be the pinkie toe instead of the brain. It’s not much of an upgrade.

It still puts Spider-Man in a shitty situation. Him against a clone Storm is not a fair fight. Given his history with clones, he’s probably better off trying to fuck her than fight her. But his students are coming to his rescue, albeit with the competence of a Comcast customer service rep. They’re able to track him down to a mall of all places, which I guess is a nice change of pace from the typical abandoned warehouse. But they only find it just in time to see that Sinister cloned more than Storm. He cloned the rest of the Jean Grey Institute staff as well, including Wolverine.

Even though they’re clones, they still present an unfair fight for Spidy’s students. It still sets up a fairly epic clash. That’s not something I usually say when Spider-Man is involved in a fight with clones. That’s usually a good sign. Any battle involving Spider-Man and clones is taboo for the same reason anything involving star athletes and strip clubs is taboo. But it helps that emotions with Ernst and No-Girl add weight to the battle. Otherwise, it would just be a battle about Sinister being a dick.

The battle is nicely detailed and eventually Spider-Man is freed so he can participate. He gets a chance to give his students what amounts to a pop quiz that’s only slightly less nerve-racking than a Calculus quiz. These students that he’s been trying to motivate in a ways that won’t make Wolverine throw up in his grave actually rally behind him. He’s able to guide them in a way that allows them to one-up these rip-off X-men. Hellion and Eye Boy especially shine, turning clone Iceman’s powers against him. It may or may not be a result of Spider-Man’s teaching, but he definitely deserves a gold star.

But the most intense part of the battle is still with No Girl and Ernst. Sinister doesn’t seem to care that much that his clones are getting their asses kicked by a bunch of teenagers who can probably still count the number of Sentinel attacks they’ve experienced on one hand. He’s more than happy to just watch his creations torment Ernst. He’s probably hiding a huge erection. But that boner quickly gets killed when Spider-Man conveniently tricks a clone of Firestar to burning away the DNA samples that Ernst collected for him. Spider-Man even is a dick about it, but in the most satisfying possible way. Given Sinister’s capacity for doing twisted shit, a dick move like this is both warranted and satisfying.

The battle gets a little less detailed from here. The rest of the team doesn’t really do much while what’s left of Sinister’s clone army continues to rampage. The main struggle is still with No Girl and Ernst. It’s here where we find out that Spider-Man’s efforts to teach these renegade, hormonal mutant teenagers actually succeeded on some levels. His preaching about power and responsibility actually resonated with them. Usually, a message doesn’t resonate with a teenager unless food or internet access is involved. That’s what makes it so meaningful.

Ernst, knowing she betrayed the X-men and aided one of their worst enemies, takes responsibility for her shit and does the right thing. She attacks her friend in a beautifully emotional moment. The themes of power and responsibility really shine here, something that teenagers usually don’t say outside of a made-for-TV Disney movie. But it still feels genuine and in a story that involves clones, that’s saying a lot.

Once Ernst subdues No Girl, she joins up with the others to take on Sinister and his clone army. It’s more than a little messy. She just ripped the brain out of the head of a clone of Storm. Sadly, we don’t get any gruesome details. Those with a weak stomach can breathe a sigh of relief. Those who aren’t afraid to eat pizza they find between couch cushions can sigh in disappointment.

It’s even more disappointing when the battle against Sinister is essentially cut off. Once No Girl is back to being a brain in a jar, we don’t get any more details. The story basically just skips ahead to the aftermath. For a battle that had been pretty visceral, despite involving clones, that’s a pretty big disappointment. Then again, Sinister was now facing a team of unified pissed off teenagers. He had to know he was outmatched at that point.

However the battle ends, the aftermath is still somewhat compelling. Spider-Man has a nice chat with Storm, which is saying something in and of itself given how she’s made it clear in this series that she finds Spider-Man only slightly less annoying than head lice. But during this chat, he talks about what he tried to teach these mutant teenagers. More importantly, these mutant teenagers show the Jean Grey Institute that they appreciated this lesson. They even used it in a real-world situation. How many teenagers who appreciate an algebra lesson an say that?

It makes for a nice bit of insight for each character. These are all D-list X-men characters who don’t usually get a chance to be awesome. But the way they talk to Storm and the Jean Grey Institute staff about their experience with Spider-Man makes them worth giving a few fucks about. They actually show that they’re not just teenagers with powers. They’re capable of using these powers to kick Sinister’s ass, beat up clones, and help civilians. That’s way more progress than most teenagers get without getting drafted.

Their heroics genuinely impress the Jean Grey Institute staff. What impresses them even more is that they actually stick up for Ernst. Whether inspired by Spider-Man or just being less dickish than most teenagers, they urge them not to expel Ernst for working with Sinister. Even Storm admits that she wouldn’t have been the first X-men to work with him. Hell, if they can let Emma Frost join the X-men after the shit she’s done, they have no excuse for ditching Ernst. It’s a nice moment and one that highlights the progress these young mutants have made. It’s more progress than they would’ve gotten by just fighting giant robots too. That’s what makes it unique and meaningful.

They still get disciplined, but not in a way that’ll make them drop cherry bombs down toilets. Spider-Man even goes out of his way to commend his students for being so responsible. They managed to be responsible in the face of evil clones. By Spider-Man’s standard, they’re the mutant equivalent of a playoff caliber football team. He gives them a nice speech and even goes out of his way to apologize to No Girl for thinking she was the mole. It’s probably the most serious tone that Spider-Man has used in this series and its fitting.

It’s also fitting that in the spirit of responsibility, they start helping Spider-Man with his patrols. That’s right. As an extra credit assignment of sorts, they get to become the beta version of Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends. They get to fly with him throughout New York and fight crime. All I’ll say about that is it beats the hell out of study hall.

So in the end, was this series as entertaining as a classic Wolverine/Spider-Man team-up? In my soberish opinion, no. It is not. But then again few things are and this issue came tantalizingly close. It's in the same zip code, even if it isn't in the same neighborhood. This series has been chaotic and uncoordinated at times. It has made a noble effort to capture the fun, entertaining experience that Wolverine and the X-men once had. It only succeeded in part in that respect, but it succeeded in plenty others that helped make up for it.

This issue completed a story that got more side-tracked Keanu Reeves' career. Spider-Man came to the Jean Grey Institute to find a mole. He found that mole, which led to a clash with Sinister and extensive property damage. It wasn't as epic as it could've been, but it was still entertaining. Spider-Man still comes off as the least qualified teacher at the Jean Grey Institute, but that's part of what made it so entertaining. And like a drunken boxer that somehow lands a lucky hit, he managed to get the job done. He got through to his students and even the Jean Grey Institute staff found him less annoying. It may have had the tone of a Looney Toons rerun, but it still had heart and it made for a satisfying conclusion to this series. I give Spider-Man and the X-men #6 a 7 out of 10. I still miss stories about Spider-Man and Wolverine being the ultimate buddy-cop team-up. But if Spider-Man can team-up with shark girls, eye boys, and disembodied brains while Wolverine enjoys his death vacation, I think that'll tide me over in the interim. Nuff said!

Grading on a Curve: Spider-Man and the X-men #1

The following is my review of Spider-Man and the X-men #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Teachers are heroes in their own right. It really takes superhuman courage to walk into a class room and attempt to educate a bunch of kids who would rather have their wisdom teeth pulled than learn algebra. Give those kids mutant powers and suddenly teachers have to worry about more than spitballs, cheating, and texting during class. Concepts like responsibility and respect do not yet fully compute in an undeveloped mind. It just isn’t as cool to them as texting each other pictures of pets and body parts.

Few characters understand the importance of responsibility like Spider-Man. His strength and personality is built around responsibility almost as much as it’s build around his wise-cracking. After what happened to his uncle, he had to build it the hard way. In that respect he’s in a unique position to teach kids about responsibility. But it’s one thing to teach under-privileged kids in a failing public school this lesson. It’s quite another to teach that lesson to the students of the Jean Grey Institute, whose idea of responsibility is restricted to cleaning up the Danger Room and staying away from Wolverine’s liquor cabinet.

This is exactly what Spider-Man attempts in Spider-Man and the X-men #1. As one of Wolverine’s final requests prior to his death, he’s taken it upon himself to honor his fallen friend by contributing to the school he founded. It’s an entirely noble and responsible endeavor. It’s also one that even involves skills with which he has experience, having been a teacher at one point. It all sounds so good on paper. Then again, communism sounded good on paper as well. Spider-Man’s efforts to work with the X-men didn’t result in another Russian Revolution, but the results left room for improvement to say the least.

From the beginning, it’s painfully clear that Spider-Man does not get along with the rest of the X-men. He arrives at the Jean Grey Institute like someone who got invited to a frat party by mistake. He also does little to make it less awkward, showing the social skills of Mormon at a strip club. He is able to connect with some of the other X-men he’s teamed up with before, like Iceman and Firestar. But as a whole, Spider-Man and the X-men do not get along. They’re like Windows and Mac users. They both do similar things, minus commercials starring Justin Long. They struggle to interface, even though their goals are the same.

This sets up a unique yet engaging tone for the story. It’s harsh and crass in revealing how little the X-men have in common with Spider-Man, but that’s exactly what helps give it its appeal. Just because the X-men and Spider-Man consider themselves heroes doesn’t automatically mean they get along. That’s not to say they clash like nitro and glycerin. They just deal with very different circumstances and go about their business in a very different way. They can still coordinate well enough to stop some lesser challenge like Unus the Untouchable. But teaching young mutants the value of responsibility? That’s right up there with Apocalypse and an army of Sentinels.

It makes for a messy, but entertaining narrative. Spider-Man tries to be one of those teachers that will later be played by Edward James Olmos, attempting to connect with a bunch of young mutants who are already alienated from a world that sees them as freaks. He struggles at first because he tries to do things his way, as though dealing with students who have 50 eyes and shark fins respond the same way. But he eventually does adapt, attempting to convey his message to these young mutants in a way they understand. Unfortunately for him, that way involves teaching while fighting killer robots in the danger room, but it helps add to the entertainment value.

And Spider-Man’s message is one that’s worth conveying. He points out that these young mutants spend so much time learning to fight and survive, but they don’t put that much time into actually using their powers responsibly. It’s not an unfair criticism to them and the X-men as a whole. In their defense, they have been facing extinction, extermination, and a string of bad movies. But it’s still a valid point. They wouldn’t have to fight so hard to survive if they showed they could do more than just fight. It sounds like one of those ideas that makes too much sense, like raising the minimum wage or giving free school lunches to poor children.

The strength of this message, along with the general dysfunction that surrounds these young mutants, helps create a nice blend of depth and fun. There are serious issues at hand in this story. There are also plenty of entertaining moments that involve deranged mutants, killer robot holograms, and mischievous bamfs. It creates an engaging story, but one that doesn’t take itself too seriously. If it were an actress, it would be right up there with Jennifer Lawrence.

However, that potent blend becomes somewhat messy down the line. It’s not that the story starts getting overly serious. It just ends up trying to hide these issues, but does a very poor job of it. Instead of Spider-Man trying to teach these students, it devolves into another conflict involving dinosaur humanoids and kidnapping. It’s really not that far away from being a blatant rip-off of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And because of that, the underlying message Spider-Man is trying to convey gets lost.

There are a lot of strengths to build on with this narrative. Spider-Man and the X-men #1 establishes an awkward set of circumstances, but in a wonderfully entertaining way. It just goes off-track before it can develop into something truly cohesive. It still has the potential to become a more polished product that blends all these themes. It just needs to find a better way to do so without resorting to killer dinosaurs.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Spider-Man and the X-men #1

I have a lot of respect for teachers, relatively speaking. And by relative, I mean I reserve that respect for teachers that don’t contribute to the ongoing horror show that is high school, which every teenager must experience. Throughout my awkward teen years, I encountered many teachers who preferred add another set of nails to the chalkboard that is the high school experience. Even now, I get it. Their jobs sucked. They had to teach subject with bullshit standards to a bunch of dead-eyed teenagers who would rather be getting root canal. It would break anyone’s spirit. But there were a few good teachers who genuinely gave a damn. I could fit most of those teachers in an undersized SUV, but they can make all the difference. That’s why I was more than a little confused when it was revealed that Spider-Man would become a new teacher at the Jean Grey Institute.

Now this isn’t exactly as crazy as making Captain America gay or turning Emma Frost into a lesbian. Peter Parker has been a teacher in the past. He’s even been pretty good at it. But those were typical high school students. That in and of itself is right up there with being mind-fucked by Doc Ock. Now he’s going to teach high school students armed with mutant powers? His spider sense should be kicking his ass right now. But that’s exactly what makes the concept so intriguing. With Wolverine dead, someone has to pick up the slack. Spider-Man and the X-men #1 marks Spider-Man’s attempt to contribute in this noble endeavor (sort of). Somewhere out there, I think Otto Octavious is thinking, “Damn! Guess I dodged that bullet.”

Spidy gets off to a rocky start before he even sets foot on the Jean Grey Institute campus. While on the ride from New York, courtesy of Storm, he manages to say all the wrong things and push all the wrong buttons. I don’t know if this counts as Parker luck or just piss poor social skills when it comes to dealing with mutants not named Wolverine, but it’s pathetic and pretty entertaining. It’s not enough that Storm says she doesn’t like him very much. It’s that Spider-Man insists on giving her reasons not to like him by mentioning her failed marriage to Black Panther. It’s as awkward as it sounds.

It’s actually less awkward that Unus the Untouchable, the closest thing the X-men have at a D-list villain now, has decided to fuck things up at the Jean Grey Institute. Because I guess he thought attacks by the Avengers, SHIELD, the Phoenix Force, and the Hellfire Club just wasn’t enough. That or he used to work for whatever insurance company was stupid enough to give the X-men a policy. His appearance is as contrived and pointless as it sounds, but it does help reinforce the same tone from earlier.

Spider-Man catches up and joins the fight. Even makes some meaningful contributions while reconnecting with some of his Amazing Friends buddies in Iceman and Firestar. He just does so in a way that significantly irritates the rest of the X-men. They all make clear that they don’t like him anymore than Storm. Rachel Grey rightly points out that he has no fucking clue what it’s like to be a mutant. He runs around in a mask and dates supermodels. That might help him relate to Wolverine, but not the X-men as a whole. It’s entirely reasonable that the X-men not trust him. The only thing that keeps them going along with this is that part of Wolverine’s final wishes was to have Spider-Man do this.

And this is where the “sort of” aspect of his efforts come into play. Spider-Man is here to teach young mutants and help them. That’s perfectly heroic in and of itself. What makes it only partially heroic is Spider-Man revealing that he’s also there to uncover a mole that Wolverine suspected had infiltrated the Jean Grey Institute. So he’s not doing this out of the goodness of his heart or because he really wants to help vulnerable young mutants. He’s doing Wolverine a favor. It’s not much different than asking him to mow his lawn after his death, but the fact that Spider-Man goes through with it shows he’s willing to honor his friend’s wishes and still make an effort. And that’s more than I can say for a lot of teachers in my old high school, most of which I’m convinced just worked there for the health benefits.

As expected, Spider-Man basically walks right into a John Hughes movie. He doesn’t get to teach the class with the straight-A students. He has to teach the class with the students who have a history of using their mutant powers to amplify their douche-baggery. This is probably a good way for Spider-Man to start looking for the mole. It could also be Storm and Beast’s way of saying, “Fuck you, Spider-Man. You’re teaching in the armpit of the Jean Grey Institute.” I think it might be a little of both.

But remarkably, it doesn’t turn into a cheap rip-off of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. There actually is a more serious point to be made here and it doesn’t involve how hard it is to teach teenagers to want more out of life than texting naked pictures of themselves to one another. He wants to teach these mutants things they can’t learn in the Danger Room. Even though these mutants have come to prefer it, Spider-Man doesn’t see that as an environment conducive to learning. As expected, the students don’t agree and Spider-Man gets a little exposed by one of the bamfs. That’s to be expected. He still got off easy compared to my homeroom teacher during my junior year of high school. I’m still not sure if that bone in her left hand healed.

Eventually, Spider-Man relents and allows his class to be taught in the Danger Room. So now he has to give a lecture while being attacked by killer robots. Because apparently that’s the only way mutants in the Marvel universe know how to function. It’s mindlessly enjoyable, as most killer robot fights are with the X-men. But this is where Spider-Man is able to make an important point that makes this story more than just a fancy Saved By The Bell spin-off.

Spider-man points out that while mutants learn to fight and survive, they don’t seem to make much of an effort to help others. They have such a diverse array of powers. They should be able to employ some of those powers to actually help ordinary humans. Because maybe, just maybe they’ll hate mutants a little less if they find out mutants can do shit for them. It works for Mexicans, sort of. But it’s actually something that nobody has bothered to point out to these mutants and something even the X-men seem to overlook. By training to fight so hard, should they really be shocked when they attract trouble.

It kind of reminds me of this guy who always put up giant middle finger on his front lawn instead of Christmas lights every holiday. He did it because he hated the holidays, but he also made himself an easy target. I can’t remember how many perfectly good eggs and toilet paper rolls were sacrificed for his douche-baggery. The X-men train so hard to fight and survive. While that made plenty of sense when they were on the verge of extinction, times have changed. Mutants aren’t going extinct. They’re growing in a world and they have to share that world. If they show their willingness to share that world by preparing for the day when they have to beat the shit out of every human on the planet, what message does that send? Treat someone like a bitch and they’re going to act bitchy. It’s simple physics.

As valid as this point is, Spider-Man can’t really get it across in the Danger Room. Killer robots tend to be a major distraction. Yet somehow some teachers insist on bitching about cell phones. First, Spider-Man makes a note of which of these asshole kids could be the mole. Then, he takes them on a field trip to a museum. That’s a nice compromise. Most students don’t mind field trips, if only because it means no boring lectures or pop quizzes. And he does use it to make another valid point.

He uses the dinosaurs as an example. They were once strong and powerful, like mutants are now. Now they’re extinct, existing only in museums and Jurassic Park movies. And part of the reason they went extinct is that they didn’t look out for each other. That and the giant asteroid didn’t help, but it’s still a good point to make. By not cooperating with one another, it doesn’t matter how well they can bust up a killer robot. They won’t be able to survive. It’s a point that the students don’t accept completely, but they don’t reject it either.

It could’ve made for an enlightened moment or a surreal debate. At the very least, it could’ve helped Spider-Man actually challenge these mutants in a new way. But sadly, that’s one of those ideas, like not torturing prisoners of war, that makes too much sense. This overdue and insightful lesson basically falls apart when the field trip is interrupted by an attack by Stegron. No, I didn’t make that name up. I take way too much LSD to come up with something that original. It’s exactly what it sounds like, a dinosaur humanoid that doesn’t take kindly to extinction jokes.

It leads to another basic battle that’s not even as enjoyable as the battle against Unus. Killer monosters are basically the same as killer robots, but with a more diverse vocabulary. And the battle here has few surprises. But it feels way too fucking random and completely derails what was a genuinely interesting lesson that Spider-Man was attempting to teach. If I were in that class, I might actually pay attention instead of drawing boobs on my textbook. Not that I find killer monster dinosaurs boring, but this is shit we’ve been seeing in Fantastic Four comics for decades.

The battle unfolds with plenty of destruction. Spider-Man and these young mutants are understandably outmatched. It’s not too epic a struggle. In fact, it’s even a little playful at times. It sort of has to be when it’s dealing with a goofy dinosaur creature. It eventually gains a larger complication when Sauron, a more established X-men villain with a less goofy albeit plagiarized name, shows up. He’s able to end the battle before Segron can hear too many jokes about his name. He uses his hypno-vision to knock everybody out, further derailing the conversation. Again, there’s nothing bad or flawed about this battle. It just fucks up what was a genuinely serious moment between Spider-Man and his new students.

In the end, the only real conflict here is entirely generic. Stegron and Sauron have teamed up since that’s really all extinct animals can do in this age. They then proclaim they’re going to create a new Savage Land out of Staten Island. It’s not the most ridiculous plan they could’ve come up with. It’s almost quaint in its simplicity. It could easily be the central conflict in another comic with another set of heroes. It just did too much to derail all the good shit this story had going for it. So I guess that means we’ll have to be content with Spider-Man and his students battling dinosaurs for this arc. I suppose there are worse things they could be doing. Still beats calculus, that’s for sure.

This story really has a lot going for it, but that won’t amount to jack shit if the story continues to unfold like drunk trying to tie his shoes in the dark. There’s so much dysfunction and awkwardness in this issue, but it’s not the kind that involves having to give a presentation in high school with a raging boner. It actually explores the significant differences between how the X-men operate and how other heroes like Spider-Man operate. It points out real, legitimate problems that have often gone overlooked. And it would’ve been great to focus on that while still fighting killer robots in the Danger Room. Then the Jurassic Park fan had to come out in everybody. Killer humanoid dinosaurs got involved and just like that, this story becomes another glorified team-up. And instead of seeing Spider-Man kick ass with Wolverine or his Amazing Friends, he has to do it with the likes of Shark Girl, Hellion, and Glob Herman. That’s like trading a Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg collaboration for Dr. Dre and Justin Bieber. It’s a significant downgrade.

This story started out as a serious conversation that turned into an impromptu dick-measuring contest. That might be okay for Congress, but it derailed this comic when it had so much going for it. I give Spider-Man and the X-men #1 a 7 out of 10. The students of the Jean Grey Institute have a lot to learn about responsibility and Spider-Man is in a perfect position to teach it. But if he has to account for possible interruptions by dinosaurs, then chances are nobody is going to get a passing grade in the long run. Nuff said!